1 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:27,640 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:39,840 Gooooooooooooood 3 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,680 evening! And welcome to QI, 4 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:48,720 which tonight is a general grab bag of Gs - gifts, gags, genetics, gaols and granaries. 5 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:54,360 Let's open the gifts first. I have been given the most fantastic presents. 6 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,560 First out of the box, Jimmy Carr! AUDIENCE: Oooh! 7 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:04,480 And Jan Ravens! AUDIENCE: Mmmmmm! 8 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:08,440 But what about Clive Anderson? Ohhhh! 9 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:14,960 And just what I've always wanted. My very own puppy - Alan Davies! Ahhhh! 10 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:19,600 Now what am I going to get in the buzzer department? Jimmy goes... 11 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:24,760 # Gimme all your lovin' All your hugs and kisses too! # 12 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:29,080 Jan goes... # Give me just a little more time! # 13 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:35,160 Clive goes... # Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight! # 14 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:41,800 And Alan goes... # How much is that doggie in the window? Woof! Woof! # 15 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:49,280 Here's a gift of a question. Suppose you want to send a present to someone in the USA. 16 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:53,000 What's the commonest item that is seized by the Customs? 17 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,880 # Gimme all your lovin'! # 18 00:01:55,880 --> 00:02:00,040 I'm rather enjoying that. Yes. Mexicans. 19 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:05,520 That's a reasonable guess. I actually have a bag of items... 20 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,760 Of Mexicans? 21 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:12,080 Can you pass that to Jimmy? Keep one. And vice versa. 22 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:18,400 What's in the bag? These are all items that may or may not be banned 23 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:25,560 by US Customs if you try to cross the border with them. Chopped pork and ham? Money. Dirty handkerchiefs. 24 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,600 Dirty handkerchiefs. Some seeds and a lottery ticket. A cigar! 25 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:36,200 I bet you're not allowed to have seeds. You're not allowed to have anything in there. A shoe?! 26 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,960 One is the most confiscated item. 27 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:46,280 I've been to America and I definitely remember wearing shoes. It's a shoe that's been to a farm lately. 28 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:51,200 It's got soil on it, the shoe. Is this because of Cuba? 29 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,320 Exactly right. It's a Cuban cigar. 30 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:58,160 Does this just indicate you've got flu or a disease? 31 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:03,800 A hankie that is covered in any amount of human disjecta, any fluids... 32 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:09,400 Is money too obvious? It's not real money. It's counterfeit money. 33 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:14,000 I'm going to go with shoes. Shoes. Lottery tickets. Lottery tickets. 34 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:19,440 Who tries to import lottery tickets? You can go to prison for two years. 35 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,280 Worth it for a Ł10 million prize. IF! Yes. 36 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:27,760 So which do you think is the item? Hessian bags! 37 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:32,640 They are also illegal. The bag. It's made out of hemp. Extra point. 38 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:36,760 It actually rhymes with "tinder egg". 39 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:42,720 Kinder Egg? The egg with the secret surprise in it. Because you can easily open them? 40 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:48,760 Then fill them with heroin? No. A child may easily choke on the small parts. Exactly. 41 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:53,360 In their poetic phrase, "It poses a choking and aspiration hazard." 42 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,560 It's happening now! Oh, no! Quick! 43 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,960 That is a Creme Egg! A Creme Egg. 44 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:03,520 Is it tidy up time now? You can tidy up, thank you. 45 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,680 But the fact is that there is the "surprise toy" egg 46 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:12,120 which is the most confiscated item. And all imports from Cuba. 47 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:17,880 For 17 years in a row, the United Nations has deemed what illegal? 48 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:21,800 The US boycott. Yes. The US boycott on Cuba 49 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:27,520 has for 17 years in a row been deemed illegal by all the UN countries except... 50 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:31,760 Cuba! No, Israel and the Pacific state of Palau. 51 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:37,840 Have you been to Cuba on your many journeys? Sadly not. 52 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:42,680 I have. You can get a flight from Miami. A lot of people do it. 53 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:48,920 They have huge restrictions on what you can take in, so everybody goes in huge numbers of coats. 54 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:53,080 They want to give family stuff, so they have five hats, six coats, 55 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:57,640 in tropical weather. And they look like Michelin men. 56 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,880 I was the only one there not overdressed. For once. 57 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:07,320 They're looking at you thinking, "Cheapskate! No mates. One coat?" 58 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:13,680 Do you know what's happened in terms of legality to the famed Academy Awards goodie bag? 59 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:20,840 You've probably been. You get a big bag of stuff. It's so valuable, you can't take it out the country? 60 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:25,280 No, you have to declare it against tax. Oh, really? Yeah. 61 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:30,440 The 2008 goodie bags were worth Ł57,000. Holy smoke! A goodie bag. 62 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:34,280 Blimey! The contents of the 2008 goodie bag 63 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:40,360 were a Ł15,000 holiday, an espresso machine, a cashmere blanket worth Ł855. 64 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:45,960 I hope it was tartan. Cashmere check. "Cash me a cheque." LAUGHTER 65 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:51,280 And a white gold pearl and diamond pendant worth Ł740. That is disgusting. 66 00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:57,120 That's truly disgusting. Is it? They should be brought over here for the BAFTAs. 67 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,880 We get... A lollipop. 68 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:05,080 I think you actually do get a lollipop. 69 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:10,560 You get Tic Tacs. At the Comedy Awards they had bowls of Minstrels. 70 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:16,040 Huge amounts of alcohol and very little food. "They've all got drunk! How?!" 71 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:20,360 Someone said something controversial. "Not that we planned it..." 72 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:25,080 Lawks a-lummy. Can we just find out, because you know everything, 73 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:30,600 what happens to all the Swiss Army pen knives that are confiscated in the airport? 74 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:38,040 What happens to them? Given to charity? You know if you lose your hair gel, or whatever they pinch, 75 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:43,280 on your way out you should get to take something. Very good idea. 76 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:48,800 A kind of "help yourself" box. Yeah. Only one thing. Don't be greedy. 77 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:52,840 Cigars... They're very well groomed, those guys that work in Customs. 78 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,240 They have very well-trimmed nails. 79 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,320 Well-plucked eyebrows. It's no accident. 80 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:03,000 If a horse gets a stone in its hoof, they're first in! 81 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:09,160 They burn, of course, the contraband cigars... one by one, quite slowly. 82 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,960 LAUGHTER 83 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:17,200 I'll tell you, bizarrely, what is legal to import is what Americans call a switchblade, a flick knife, 84 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:23,400 but only if you can satisfy one condition. One type of person is allowed it. A fisherman? Nope. 85 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,000 Teddy Boy. A gang member. > 86 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:31,080 Think about what distinguishes a switchblade from any other knife. 87 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:35,880 You're a one-armed person. You've got a good brain, Clive Anderson. 88 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:40,520 So if you got caught with a switchblade... Chop your arm off. 89 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,520 Ha! You've got it. 90 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:47,360 There you are. Put it in your hand luggage. For reattaching later. 91 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:53,760 Fishermen are supposed to use them sensibly. When you're catching a fish you have to cut the line. 92 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:57,280 That was always the justification we used to use! 93 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:03,520 Anyway, chocolate eggs with toys in are the commonest items seized by US Customs, then Cuban cigars, 94 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:09,240 but what happened to the box of chocolates that Gordon Brown gave to George W Bush? 95 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:15,000 # Gimme, gimme, gimme... # Presumably, they chucked it away. Absolutely right. 96 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:20,640 Under Secret Service rules, any gifts of food or drink are destroyed upon receipt. 97 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:29,880 Gordon Brown gave a Ł150 box of Charbonnel et Walker chocolates. Money well spent(!) 98 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:33,920 Thanks for that. The Qatari PM gave a Ł650 box of chocolates, 99 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:38,320 an assortment of nut pasties from the Iraqi president 100 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:43,360 and 3lbs of live shamrocks from Bertie Ahern were all destroyed. 101 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,880 Why DID he give him chocolates? We called Downing Street to ask. 102 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:53,760 We said, "Come on. Surely you knew the rules." They did not favour us with a reply. 103 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:59,800 Do you know what Gordon Brown's present to Obama was? An inedible ornamental pen holder, 104 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:06,400 but it was made from the timbers of...a Victorian anti-slaver called the HMS Gannet. 105 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:10,960 He received, in return, a slightly less historically... A slave! 106 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:16,240 This was reported at the time. Obama being very ironic. 107 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,440 < DVDs. DVDs. 108 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:24,080 25 American classic DVDs. Did Obama give him a copy of Nailin' Palin? I don't know it. 109 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:28,080 Nailin' Palin? Nailin' Palin was a film made last year 110 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:32,120 about Sarah Palin. Oh, a porn movie. Well, not porn. 111 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:36,720 Porn is a very subjective term. Gentleman's special interest. 112 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:41,320 The film is very good. Is it? Is it a looky-likey? 113 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:45,040 It's a looky-likey, but it'll do. 114 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,560 Delighted to hear it. Well, well. 115 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:52,360 What were the classics he gave him? People speculated they were Region 1 116 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:56,400 in which case he couldn't watch them unless he'd a hacked DVD player. 117 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:02,440 He's not going to watch them. That's had the eyes taken out of it 118 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:09,400 so it's not dangerous. Why do they give each other presents? Protocol! Yeah. Yes. 119 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:15,280 That's the answer. Why not give something to charity? "I'm not giving presents this trip." 120 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:19,400 I'm planting a tree. Good idea. Buying an animal in Africa. 121 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:24,440 Have you ever had that as a present? Someone adopted some panda for me. 122 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,680 I'd rather have a CD, thanks. 123 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:32,680 Or name a star after you. I don't want a star. "I'm already a star," you say. 124 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:40,760 That's sick. When you adopt a panda, if something happens to the people, is it my responsibility? 125 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,960 It comes to live with me and it looks like I've been hitting it. 126 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,240 You're silly. Now... 127 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:54,200 All food gifts to the President of the United States are destroyed. 128 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaking of worthless gifts, name and shame the world's cheapest cheapskate. 129 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:04,360 # Give me just a little more time! # Was it Diogenes the Cynic? 130 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:08,760 Wow. Tell me more. You've seen this show before. Well... 131 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:12,600 Yes. I think he's slightly aroused. 132 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:23,880 Well, Diogenes the Cynic was a famous cheapskate in the ancient world. He lived in a barrel. He did. 133 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:31,440 And he eschewed material possessions apart from a loin cloth and a little bowl so he could drink water. 134 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:36,280 Then he saw a little boy drinking water from the river with his hands 135 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:42,680 and so he eschewed the bowl as well, leaving just the loin cloth and the barrel. Very good answer. 136 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:48,080 It's a good human answer, but it's an animal answer. 137 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:54,040 A tight-fisted animal? There's a species of insect that gives gifts. That's our theme, really, gifts. 138 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:59,120 The male gives the gift to the female... In order to mate. 139 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:06,040 It's particularly prevalent amongst males who are afraid of being eaten by their mates, to distract them. 140 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,480 The praying mantis. Insects, flies. 141 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,480 The Black Widow spider. Famously. 142 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,280 Hence the name. It's terribly exciting and erotic, 143 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:21,280 this huge female you're trying to have sex with, you give her a gift and if it's wrong, she'll eat you! 144 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,760 You must have a film like that in your collection. 145 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:29,120 You've brought back KFC. She says, "No, I wanted Nando's." 146 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,840 You're out. There are flies called dance flies. 147 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,520 Often the gift is wrapped in silk. 148 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:39,440 Or in a balloon formed from the male's anal secretions. 149 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,560 "Just what I wanted, darling!" 150 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:48,000 There is a species called rhamphomyia sulcata, 151 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:52,040 which captures an insect, sucks out its innards completely 152 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:56,880 and wraps the empty shell in silk and gives it to the female. 153 00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:02,040 By the time the female's unwrapped it, he's mated her and scarpered. 154 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,120 Yes. Don't try this at home! 155 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:10,280 That's a very good tip. Yeah! "Here's a box of chocolates!" 156 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:16,720 Possibly the greatest cheapskate in the animal kingdom. I heard about someone being on a date with a guy 157 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:22,520 and he leaned over to her plate, took a massive bit of her food and ate it. Did it again. 158 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:29,160 Did it for the third time and all she said was, "What are you doing?" and he said, "I'm paying for it." 159 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:35,960 Wow! The most magnificently cheap thing! On so many levels, that is... 160 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:40,000 Wow! Staggering. So that's that dance fly. 161 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:46,240 Others do strange things. There are some male insects that pretend to be female 162 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:52,880 so that another male gives it a present, which it then steals and gives to another female. 163 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:59,320 The male dance fly is the cheapest cheapskate. What do you call someone who never laughs? That bloke. 164 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,880 LAUGHTER You're right. 165 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:07,720 He hasn't cracked a smile all evening. Might be dead. Nudge him. 166 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:15,400 Are we looking for a phobia word? Agelastic, meaning they don't laugh. There are people. 167 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:19,520 It seems... They can't laugh? Well, who knows? 168 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:23,360 There's a sort of epilepsy where you...hahaha...a lot, 169 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,600 which is an unusual affect. 170 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,880 That was shocking. 171 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:35,200 I've got an interesting sort of Greek-type word for something that I do sometimes 172 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:39,640 where I can't help the urge to do an impression of somebody. 173 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:47,160 Sometimes if somebody's got a limp or a funny walk, I want to... go along with it. It's terrible. 174 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:52,840 Apparently, when you want to take on somebody's limp, it's called echopraxia. 175 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:58,920 Oh, brilliant. If you do it with words, imitating them verbally, it's echolalia. 176 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,000 That is very... Points! Points! 177 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,960 Brilliant. APPLAUSE 178 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:10,640 It's also, I think, if I'm not mistaken, it's called taking the piss as well. 179 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:19,440 Yeah. It almost defines being human, laughter. Animals don't laugh. They don't put two things together. 180 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:25,160 It's very social. People tend not to laugh on their own. Even watching a show as hilarious as this, 181 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:31,200 at home on your own you won't laugh in the same way, which is why people think it's canned laughter. 182 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:36,040 You ARE laughing at bits. It's a very social thing. 183 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:40,960 You're showing that you get the thing and understand. A communal thing. 184 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:47,960 People said to be agelastic include Isaac Newton, who is supposed to have laughed once in his life. 185 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:53,960 When an apple fell on his head! Someone asked the point of studying Euclid and he burst out laughing. 186 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:58,840 That is a good one, though. What was he like?! 187 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:05,320 According to Marshal Zhukov, Stalin didn't laugh. I'm amazed. He seemed such a chirpy chap. 188 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:12,880 Behind the moustache, he's chuckling. Jonathan Swift and Gladstone. He was a funny writer. 189 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:19,160 Lots of comedians don't laugh. Lots of comedians are miserable in real life. Not us, obviously. 190 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,800 The bloke on the left and the bloke in the middle are the same. 191 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:30,760 On the left, he's been on a diet. It's an advert for the Chin Gym. 192 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:36,400 The one on the left is Isaac Newton. That's Newton. And Jonathan Swift. 193 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:42,200 Trollope, on the other hand... Couldn't stop laughing. He died giggling. 194 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:46,320 Didn't he work in the post office? That's probably it. He did. 195 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:52,000 He invented the post-box. Yes. And lived to regret it. He couldn't get out. 196 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:59,720 No, he was sorry for a very odd reason. He was very old-fashioned about what women shouldn't do. 197 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:06,040 He hadn't anticipated that the post office would allow women to communicate with anyone, freely. 198 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:13,080 Before the post-box, they would have to go to their father or a servant who would put the stamp on. 199 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:19,400 Suddenly they could send their own letters and have relationships without their parents' consent 200 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:23,360 and he resented this. What has he done?! 201 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:27,680 The law of unintended consequences. Good old Trollope. 202 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:33,880 There are theories of laughter. The superiority theory - the glory we feel when we see someone suffer. 203 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:40,080 I believe it, but a lot of people don't understand it. Very good. There's the incongruity theory. 204 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:44,280 The decorous and logical abruptly dissolves into the low and absurd. 205 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:48,840 We wouldn't farting well want that. For example. 206 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:54,880 Not that I'd say that. The relief theory, Freud - naughtiness of the joke liberates the laughter 207 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:58,800 from inhibitions about forbidden thoughts. Watching Jackass. 208 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:04,640 You've written a book. The Naked Jape. Yeah, with my friend Lucy, about the nature of jokes. 209 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:10,280 Have you come to a theory? There's all these different theories from around the world. 210 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:16,120 And they're all pretty much nonsense. They all work in the same way - all jokes are two stories. 211 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:22,160 The first makes you make an assumption and the second makes you realise it was erroneous. 212 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:29,480 An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman go into a pub and the barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" 213 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:36,320 A meta joke. Yeah. When I told them I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed. They're not laughing now. 214 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,920 That's a brilliant one. Monkhouse. Bob Monkhouse. 215 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:45,960 It's hard when you write about comedy to make it funny as well. Did you...? 216 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:50,400 In the end, we put a joke on every page. Some of it's complicated. 217 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:56,880 They say analysing jokes is like dissecting a frog - no one's that interested and the frog dies. 218 00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:01,520 Like digging up the roots of a plant. And killing it as you do it. 219 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:06,720 Exactly. Anyway, agelasts are people who don't laugh at gags. 220 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:11,560 Answer me this. Who is responsible for the oldest joke in the world? 221 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,360 # Give me just a little more time! # 222 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:19,400 Well, I don't know who is responsible for the oldest joke, 223 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:25,560 but I can tell you something quite interesting about the subject of the first impression, 224 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:28,280 which was Socrates. Really? 225 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:32,560 In a play by Aristophanes called The Clouds. 226 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:38,400 The interesting thing about it was that this portrayal resulted in him being put on trial 227 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:43,080 and put to death for corrupting youths. 228 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,600 And they used the impression of him ... As evidence. 229 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:52,880 David Steel complains about his Spitting Image puppet ruining his career or whatever, 230 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:59,640 but the first ever recorded impression. I was doing a show about impressions, many years ago now, 231 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:06,520 and trying to find out were there impressions around before recorded media. Exactly. 232 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:10,840 Were there widely-recognised characters? Apparently, in Athens, 233 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:16,400 everybody knew everybody else. Socrates was very widely... Well-known. 234 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:20,560 Presumably in the 19th century you couldn't do Disraeli. 235 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:26,280 Too big a population and too few people had heard them speak to know if it was accurate. 236 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:32,720 At the Establishment Club, Harold Macmillan went to see Peter Cook. It was at the Fortune Theatre. 237 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:39,000 What happened was that Peter Cook did a very famous...the first time a Prime Minister had been done. 238 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,040 Of Supermac. 239 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,840 ALL DO MACMILLAN IMPRESSIONS 240 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:51,280 AS PETER COOK AS MACMILLAN: He went to see the German Chancellor, Herr...here and there... 241 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:56,320 And... And how Britain could act as an honest broker in the world. 242 00:20:56,320 --> 00:21:01,160 No nation is more honest and no nation is broker. 243 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:07,600 Someone said to me it was illegal to impersonate a real person. It was until 1968. 244 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:13,760 There was a fellow called the Lord Chamberlain whose job was to censor plays. 245 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,560 That Act was the fault of impressionists. Really? 246 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,600 Robert Walpole in 1737, who set it up, 247 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:27,240 he was fed up with having the mickey taken out of him by these satirical playwrights, 248 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:34,120 so he set up the Lord Chamberlain's Act so they couldn't. All that time ago... And the Establishment Club 249 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:37,800 didn't have to submit a script, as a private member's club. 250 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:43,440 And latterly it became the living monarch rather than politicians. It relaxed a bit. 251 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:47,680 You'd never do the living monarch. AS THE QUEEN: No, I never would. 252 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,400 Not in a million years. 253 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,960 Well, these are all excellent. There's a joke here, 254 00:21:54,960 --> 00:22:01,040 which is a pretty old Greek joke. There was an absent-minded professor who was on a sea voyage 255 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:05,320 when a storm blows up and his slaves are weeping in terror. 256 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:09,440 He says, "Don't cry, I have freed you all in my will." That's a joke. 257 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,480 Slave-related humour there. 258 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:16,720 The Abderites were stereotyped as being incredibly stupid. 259 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:22,680 This is really frustrating. This is joke 114 in the Philogelos, the joke book. 260 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:27,320 This Abderite asks a eunuch how many children he has. 261 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,360 You see? And the eunuch goes, "Duh! None. I'm a eunuch." 262 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:36,920 So the Abderite says... And the fragment is missing. We don't have the punchline. 263 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,920 So...I'm inviting you to provide the punchline. 264 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:45,480 "How many children have you got?" "I don't have any. I'm a eunuch." 265 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:49,640 The Abderite, who's thick, says... How many grandchildren? Very good! 266 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,840 "Excellent. How many grandchildren?" APPLAUSE 267 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,120 I like working with old material. 268 00:22:57,120 --> 00:23:02,960 The oldest joke I found that still sort of works, and I've seen it performed on stage, 269 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:08,600 is an old Greek joke. A barber says to a man, "How do you want your hair cut?" 270 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,240 And the man says, "In silence." 271 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,240 It still kind of works. 272 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,600 Very good. That's an old one. 273 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:22,520 There's a much older one. A Sumerian one from 1,900 BC, which is really pretty old. 274 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:26,560 Something that has never occurred since time immemorial - 275 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:31,200 a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. 276 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:38,480 Don't open with it, Stephen, don't open with it. Work it into the set somewhere. 277 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:43,000 Time immemorial in those days was a week last Tuesday. 278 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:47,760 An old English one is what is the most cleanliest leaf? 279 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:53,600 Holly leaves, for no one will wipe their arse with them. LAUGHTER 280 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,040 Humour was about farts and bottoms. 281 00:23:56,040 --> 00:24:00,640 We've moved on from there. Thank God for that. 282 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,720 Farting in the lap? I don't...? Was everyone doing it? 283 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:11,920 For the first time, a young woman did NOT fart in his lap. So women probably weren't allowed chairs. 284 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:17,080 Chairs were expensive. The woman would be on his lap and would fart. 285 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:24,440 Once there was a woman who didn't and it was worthy of report. "She hasn't farted! Ha ha!" 286 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,080 A very interesting joke. 287 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:31,520 Here is a good gag. What sort of person wears one of these? 288 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,000 Lord! 289 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:38,040 You can try it on yourself if you like. It's got little... 290 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,760 The sound of polystyrene! Ah! Ah! There you are. Sorry. 291 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,400 Oh, this is a tongue thing. Yeah. 292 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:53,680 This is to stop... I can't remember what it's called. They've got one of these in the Museum of Torture. 293 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,200 You can open the side somehow. 294 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,240 That bit goes in the mouth. It stops your lady talking. 295 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,760 That's it. Would Pony Boy come in this answer? 296 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,800 Pony Boy? Yes. Excuse me?! 297 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:11,240 That's it. Oh, I say. Fits you rather well. 298 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:17,680 You sounded like you were having an idea then, Stephen! 299 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,960 It was quite disconcerting. Giddy-up! 300 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:29,800 "You've given me a thought there, Alan, I must say. Have him scrubbed and brought to my room." 301 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,680 LAUGHTER 302 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,200 Don't bother to have him scrubbed. 303 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:42,680 They're called, does anybody know? MUFFLED: A witch's cradle. 304 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,040 So close. A witch's cradle. 305 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,680 MUFFLED: I can't talk! 306 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:53,080 What's the answer, Alan? Let's do the letters. One for yes... 307 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,120 Is it A? Uh-uh. 308 00:25:56,240 --> 00:26:01,560 It's... Is it a device used for pigs when they are constipated? 309 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,640 Ohhh(!) 310 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:11,440 Sorry, Alan. I probably should have said before. What they do is strap it on and ram it home. 311 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:15,800 It's a sort of chastity belt for the face? 312 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:19,240 Known as a scold's bridle. Scold's bridle! 313 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:24,200 Was she ducked in the river? Get it before he says it! 314 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:30,600 You were ducked in the water? The more common punishment was a cucking stool, not ducking stool. 315 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:35,440 It is actually a cucking stool. "Excuse me! That's the wrong word! 316 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,760 "Get me off the cucking stool!" 317 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:43,240 So who had to wear one? Other than Alan. 318 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:46,880 Nagging and malicious, spiteful, gossipy women. 319 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:52,240 The male equivalent is barratry. A barrator was a male equivalent. 320 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,880 There are no real records of these being used. There are 50 in Britain. 321 00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:01,000 This is the replica of one that comes from Walton on Thames. 322 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:06,040 Look at that. Extraordinary. Makes her look like a dog as well! 323 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:11,440 That second one's not practical. Is that the front or the back of the head? 324 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:16,720 That's the male version. See the beard? For a barrator. 325 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,160 There you are. 326 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:25,720 A bit of fun with genetics now. What do you get if you cross a butterfly with a caterpillar? A butterpillar. 327 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,960 Oh! HOOTER 328 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,800 Should have said the other one. Caterfly. Oh! 329 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,840 HOOTER 330 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,120 I feel such a fool! 331 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:49,960 I'm reading a book at the moment about a very, very hungry caterpillar... 332 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:56,960 I might know where it's going, but I don't want to spoil it. 333 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:01,280 Are you saying a species reproduces halfway through its life cycle? 334 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:06,080 No, there is a theory which is that actually they are different species. 335 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:11,360 I know it sounds insane. What he's done there is he's not understood. 336 00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:18,320 Fair enough because it is complicated and you might not... Was it Alan who put this forward? 337 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:23,920 I'll tell you. Donald Williamson, formerly of the University of Liverpool. 338 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:28,760 It's called hybridogenesis. It does seem pretty off the wall, but... 339 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:33,960 ..he has some... That's a fantastic idea, though. 340 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:40,000 But sometimes you see an old guy in St Tropez with a beautiful young girl and think a similar thing. 341 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:45,720 Maybe the caterpillars had a lot of money. No such thing as an ugly rich bloke. Williamson, 342 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:52,280 his star witness was Luidia sarsi, which starts life as a small larva with a tiny starfish inside. 343 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:58,240 As the larva grows, the starfish migrates to the outside and they separate. This is normal. 344 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:02,280 But in this one, instead of degenerating, the larva swims off 345 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:06,200 and lives for several months as an independent animal. 346 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:11,400 It's like the caterpillar and butterfly alive at the same time. 347 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:15,320 His point is that for millions of years, particularly in the sea, 348 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:19,960 sperm and seed have been mixed, hundreds of thousands of species, 349 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:26,400 and just once every million years, happen to create a double species. He thinks it's not impossible. 350 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,400 We're intrigued by the possibility. 351 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:33,040 Other candidates are the tadpole and the frog, 352 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:37,480 but why did Luigi from Bologna galvanise his frogs? 353 00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:41,320 # Gimme, gimme, gimme! # We've had a clue from Jimmy. 354 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:45,320 He invented the idea of putting electricity through frogs. 355 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:51,960 Do you know his surname? It's something like Galvan. Some Italian... Galvani. 356 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:55,360 Hence... Galvanisation. Exactly. 357 00:29:55,360 --> 00:30:01,560 And his nephew, his star pupil, came over to England and demonstrated all round Europe. 358 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:06,200 He took the Royal College of Surgeons by storm in 1803 359 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:13,200 when he convulsed the body of a murderer called George Foster. Sorry, he did what? Convulsed. 360 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:17,200 With electricity. The dead body. To spark him to life again. 361 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:21,520 He'd just been hanged. That was Britain's Got Talent in what year? 362 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:26,200 That's a hell of an act. Even Piers Morgan will like that. 363 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:33,080 Rods were applied to Foster's mouth and ear. The jaw quivered and one eye opened and when a rod was moved 364 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:37,200 to touch the rectum, the whole body convulsed like reanimation. 365 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:40,240 Well, it would, wouldn't it? 366 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:44,080 It made a strong impression... Of course it did! 367 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:50,000 Why a murderer? "I've got a murderer. We're going to bring him back to life." And he went, "Sorry!" 368 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:56,960 The point is... It shows the nerves use electricity to work. Previously, they thought it was pneumatic power. 369 00:30:56,960 --> 00:31:02,640 Also, Mary Shelley read about this and the idea that electricity was the life force, 370 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:09,640 the thing that gave us life. And she, of course, wrote Frankenstein, which DOESN'T use electricity. 371 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:14,720 It does in the films. It does. Very weird book. This murderer guy, 372 00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:20,200 did they ask his permission before they hanged him? "Do you mind?" 373 00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:27,560 I sadly doubt it. I fear not. Did he have a donor card? He might have got a lesser sentence. 374 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:30,120 "We'll hang you slightly quicker..." 375 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:34,640 But galvanised iron in a galvanised bucket, how does that work? 376 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:40,200 You must run electricity through it so it attracts other metals... You'd think. 377 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:45,320 How do buckets work? You put stuff in it. Galvanised buckets. Same way. 378 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:51,280 It's coated with zinc, which resists corrosion. Nothing to do with it. It's a misnomer entirely. 379 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:55,680 Luigi Galvani discovered that electric shocks make muscles twitch, 380 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:59,640 leading people to wonder if it contained the gift of life. 381 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:04,080 Now something disconnected. Where are 1% of American adults? 382 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:09,360 We could find out. Use Google Earth. Some of them are quite big. 383 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:13,720 You could. "There's one. He's got his own postcode." 384 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:18,000 1% - what's the population? 300 million, isn't it? 385 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:22,360 So you're talking about 2.5-3 million. Jail! 386 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:27,920 Yes! G for gaol. English spelling of jail, of course. G for gaol. That many people? 387 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:31,800 3 million people are locked up? 2.3. 388 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:36,200 One in every 99.1 adults. All of those guys are innocent. 389 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:42,280 They were arrested for having switchblades, but only have one arm! Well spotted! 390 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:43,880 APPLAUSE 391 00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:51,440 The proportion is more than twice as many as South Africa, more than three times as many as the Iranians, 392 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:58,480 more than six times as many as the Chinese. No society in history has imprisoned more citizens. 393 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:03,840 But we top the European league. We're ahead of China, Turkey and India. Yes. 394 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:06,520 148 prisoners per 100,000. 395 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:10,240 It's three strikes and they're out. That's the problem. 396 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:14,080 A legal system based on baseball(!) It just seems bizarre. 397 00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:19,720 "You don't understand the law. It's complicated. What's simple? Baseball! 398 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:24,960 "Right, then. Here's the rules..." Three strikes and you're out. 399 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:31,000 If the first two crimes you're convicted of are serious enough, the third, no matter how trivial, 400 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:35,120 will get a life sentence, 25 years or more. 401 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:41,320 Leandro Andrade is serving two consecutive 25-year terms for shoplifting nine videotapes. 402 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:47,760 He took nine?! Yes. Kevin Weber, 26 years for stealing four chocolate chip cookies. It's astonishing. 403 00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:52,120 It's really stupid. You know you're on this sort of deal... 404 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,360 Take five! That is the idea. 405 00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,560 Go nuts! < Do another murder! 406 00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:00,880 Do a bank job. No point in doing anything trivial. 407 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:08,360 It is a bit bonkers. The racial and gender numbers are worrying. One in 30 men aged 20-34 is behind bars. 408 00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:12,080 But for black males it's one in nine. One in nine. 409 00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:16,920 There are more 17-year-old black people in gaol than in college. 410 00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:21,320 5% of the world are American, 25% of all prisoners are American. 411 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:26,320 Isn't there controversy with the business end of it? It is a business. 412 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:32,800 They make loads of stuff. Well, one thing I should have said when talking about contraband 413 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:37,640 is you're not allowed to bring in to America anything made in prisons, 414 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:41,600 but in America you can almost say, if you are so minded, 415 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:47,440 that they've re-invented the slave trade. They produce, for example, 100% of all military helmets, 416 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:51,320 ammunition belts, bulletproof vests, ID tags and other items. 417 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:58,040 93% of domestically produced paints, 36% of home appliances, 21% of office furniture, 418 00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:05,440 which allows the US to compete with factories in Mexico. The workers can't refuse to work. 419 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:12,080 I'd like to say something hilarious, but something must be done. It's more Question Time-y tonight. 420 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:16,360 It is a bit amazing. Extraordinary. It's slavery by the back door. 421 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:18,800 Exactly. Another video I've got. 422 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:21,400 LAUGHTER 423 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:24,120 Ohhh! You found the joke. 424 00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:31,080 If you're in prison, is there an incentive for you to work? You get solitary confinement if you refuse. 425 00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:36,000 More than one in 100 American adults are in jail. 426 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:42,240 Now we're off to another location beginning with G. Why didn't the Emperor of China like pigeons? 427 00:35:42,240 --> 00:35:45,240 A pigeon flew into my house today. 428 00:35:45,240 --> 00:35:49,560 Pigeon flu?! No, a pigeon... Oh, I see. Sorry. 429 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:56,400 Was this the terracotta army chap? He wouldn't want the pigeons to come and splash them. 430 00:35:56,400 --> 00:36:01,040 Do you think the terracotta army was a mistake? 431 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:05,040 He meant the territorial army! That's what he tried to say. 432 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:12,760 Amongst other gifts that pigeons have, one is... Message carrying. Because? They come back. 433 00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:18,400 So criminals used pigeons, basically, against property of the Emperor, 434 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:22,440 namely his granaries. He had huge rice granaries. 435 00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:28,360 What these people would do is they'd train hundreds of pigeons to fly to the granaries, 436 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:32,840 they'd eat all the rice, or as much as they could carry, then fly home. 437 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:38,160 Then they'd be fed water and alum, which made them disgorge the rice, 438 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:45,040 which would be washed. And they could get 50lbs from 100 pigeons. Can't they just eat the pigeons? 439 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:51,480 I bet they did that as well. It would be like stuffed pigeon with a sort of risotto thing... 440 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:55,720 It's only one meal, though. Don't shoot the messenger. 441 00:36:55,720 --> 00:37:01,200 That's it. That's a pretty ingenious crime, though. Did they get caught? 442 00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:05,200 I don't know. I just simply don't know. 443 00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:10,840 I once was given a pair of homing pigeons. They fly back to where you bought them from! 444 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,960 It's a brilliant scam! 445 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:23,120 Chinese homing pigeons were used to steal grain. With 100 pigeons, you could steal 50lbs of rice a day. 446 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:26,720 It's General Ignorance time. Fingers on buzzers. 447 00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:31,520 What mischief did Cornish wreckers get up to? 448 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,440 I imagine it involved the gene pool. 449 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:38,240 # Give me just a little more time! # Jan? They lit fires 450 00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:43,240 and lured boats onto the rocks by pretending... Is that...? 451 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:45,680 HOOTER Oh, dear! 452 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,280 You're thinking of mermaids. 453 00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:55,080 I was totally sold on that idea. That is the myth. They didn't. No record of it ever happening. 454 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,120 No contemporary source mentions it. 455 00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:04,360 There was one accusation in Anglesey but that turned out not... Weren't people hanged for this? 456 00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:06,920 No. No record of it. Never happened? 457 00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:12,120 Only in novels like... Jamaica Inn. Jamaica Inn. By Daphne du Maurier. 458 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:15,720 Which you know all about. You won Celebrity Mastermind. 459 00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:20,160 What was your specialist subject? Daphne du Maurier, curiously. 460 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:24,320 But I'm very surprised at this, actually. 461 00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:29,640 It was invented, many people believe, by Methodist preachers 462 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:34,360 and taken up by Victorian romantic novelists and Daphne du Maurier. 463 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:41,320 The stuff you learn on here. Repeated by Rev Sabine Baring-Gould, who wrote Onward, Christian Soldiers, 464 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:45,840 and was the subject of a strange story. He was at a children's party 465 00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:52,520 and he said, "Whose little girl are you?" and the little girl burst into tears and said, "Yours, Daddy!" 466 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:56,160 He did have 15 children, but it's shocking. 467 00:38:56,160 --> 00:39:02,200 Nearly as bad as the comedian who did an act. An agent approached and said, "You're very good. 468 00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:06,440 "Do you have representation? Who's your agent?" He said, "You are!" 469 00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:08,840 LAUGHTER 470 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:15,480 Oh, dear. Edward James, the great art collector, recalled in his autobiography his mother shouting, 471 00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:20,120 "Nanny! I'm going to church. I want one of my daughters to go with me." 472 00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:24,160 The nanny said, "Very good, Mrs James. Which one?" 473 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:28,600 "Oh, the one with the red hair. She'll go with this coat." 474 00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:37,960 There you go. Anyway, it seems, sadly, that wreckers made a living salvaging stuff from shipwrecks, 475 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:42,280 but there's no evidence that they lured ships onto the rocks. 476 00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:45,560 How could Archimedes have moved the Earth? 477 00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:52,200 # Gimme all your lovin'! # He could have made love to me like a wild man. 478 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:59,920 # Gimme, gimme, gimme! # Didn't he say he wanted a fulcrum big enough and then a lever? 479 00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:04,760 HOOTER But he couldn't have done it. I'm only quoting him! 480 00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:09,680 He said... He's your best available source. 481 00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:14,000 The best way to move the Earth is a montage with a Coldplay song. 482 00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:19,840 Some sporting achievements and maybe Take That's Greatest Day. 483 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:24,600 You'll say next Archimedes' screw wasn't up to much. I'm sure it was. 484 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,920 He did say... SPEAKS IN GREEK 485 00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:33,600 "Give me a place to stand and I will move the Earth." He discovered the power of the lever. 486 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,360 He was big, wasn't he? 487 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:42,400 One of our elves worked out that if he weighed 100kg, which is reasonable, I suppose, 488 00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:47,160 and placed his fulcrum a kilometre from the bottom of the Earth, 489 00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:52,600 to balance the planet he'd need a lever 6.5 billion light years long. 490 00:40:52,600 --> 00:41:00,040 Assuming he moved his end one metre, the Earth would move by less than the diameter of a single proton. 491 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:04,680 He wasn't to be taken literally, Stephen, for goodness' sake! 492 00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:10,720 I'm being penalised for you taking his words as though he meant it. He was merely... 493 00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:15,320 I'm asking how he could have. Who is he on the phone to? 494 00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:19,480 "This isn't working." 495 00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:22,960 "Is that Socrates? I saw a play about you..." 496 00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,120 "Just leave it, mate." 497 00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:33,000 Can we all move the Earth when we walk around? In a literal sense. Does it move a little bit? 498 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:38,800 Well... They say if everyone in China at the same time jumped up and down, they'd be livid. 499 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:43,760 He's saying, "Did you put my toga in with that red towel?" 500 00:41:49,240 --> 00:41:53,800 No, if you jump up, according to Newtonian insight, 501 00:41:53,800 --> 00:42:00,240 you could move the Earth by a tiny amount, but it would cancel itself out under the Third Law of Motion. 502 00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:07,880 The jumping up and down would cancel itself out. So all that effort is a complete waste of time. It is. 503 00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:14,520 Speaking literally. Archimedes would have moved the Earth more by jumping than by using a lever. 504 00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:18,800 This is all we have time for this week. The scores - oh, my goodness! 505 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:23,640 Our winner is, for the first time, Jan Ravens with six points! 506 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:26,280 APPLAUSE Plus six! 507 00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:34,000 In second, with minus seven, Jimmy Carr! 508 00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:37,440 APPLAUSE I'll take that! 509 00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:42,880 In third place, with minus 14, Clive Anderson! 510 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:46,120 That's not bad. APPLAUSE 511 00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:51,000 I'm afraid that means this week's loser is Alan 512 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,440 with minus 18! 513 00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,280 APPLAUSE 514 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:03,560 That's it from Jan, Jimmy, Clive, Alan and me. 515 00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:09,600 The actress Tallulah Bankhead was in a stall in the ladies lavatory and heard someone in the next one. 516 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:16,040 She said, "Honey, I got no paper in here. Is there some in your stall?" The woman said, "I'm afraid not." 517 00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:21,880 "Could you check by the hand basins for paper towels?" The woman says, "I can't see any." 518 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:27,160 Tallulah says, "In that case, have you got two tens for a twenty?" Good night.