1 00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:03,540 WOLF HOWLS 2 00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:09,140 MOURNFUL BELL TOLLS 3 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:15,540 WIND WHISTLES 4 00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:22,940 A WOMAN SCREAMS 5 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,340 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:36,540 Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. 7 00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:40,780 Good evening and welcome. Welcome to the QI Gothic special. 8 00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:45,620 It is a dark and stormy night and four contestants are sat in my cave. 9 00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:48,460 The ghostly Jimmy Carr! 10 00:00:48,460 --> 00:00:50,500 APPLAUSE 11 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,380 The gruesome Jack Dee! 12 00:00:54,380 --> 00:00:56,420 APPLAUSE 13 00:00:58,940 --> 00:01:01,380 The ghoulish Sue Perkins. 14 00:01:01,380 --> 00:01:03,420 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:08,020 And the gibbering Alan Davies! 16 00:01:08,020 --> 00:01:09,860 APPLAUSE 17 00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:19,260 So let's hear, if we may, your bloodcurdling buzzers. So Jack goes... 18 00:01:19,260 --> 00:01:22,700 SHARP "PSYCHO" MUSIC Jimmy goes... 19 00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:24,940 THUD! THUD! THUD! 20 00:01:24,940 --> 00:01:29,500 "Here's Jimmy!" A WOMAN SCREAMS 21 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:32,140 Sue goes... "Aaaaow!" 22 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:38,860 And Alan goes... Arsenal 0 Norwich City 4 23 00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:43,100 I can dream! Wake up! 24 00:01:44,940 --> 00:01:48,980 Here's something Gothic that starts with a G. What would you call it? 25 00:01:48,980 --> 00:01:51,060 Gargoyle. I'll go. 26 00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:54,580 I think you were first! HOOTER 27 00:01:55,580 --> 00:02:00,140 It's not a gargoyle. It is. No, it isn't. Well, it is. 28 00:02:00,140 --> 00:02:05,260 That is a gargoyle. No, a gargoyle is a special, particular thing. 29 00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:09,260 It's not a gargoyle because you can't pour milk out of it. 30 00:02:09,260 --> 00:02:15,580 Well, milk is perhaps an unusual use of a gargoyle, but... Isn't that what the little jugs are? 31 00:02:15,580 --> 00:02:22,020 Oh, yes. But it's a water spout. That's a gargoyle. It's a draining implement for guttering. 32 00:02:22,020 --> 00:02:25,740 It's from the French "gargouille", meaning throat. 33 00:02:25,740 --> 00:02:30,140 Same root as our word gargle. So what was the thing before? 34 00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:35,260 Grotesque! A grotesque! Help yourself to a handful of points. Thank you. 35 00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:38,460 A grotesque, not a gargoyle. 36 00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:45,500 It's useful to know... It would have been useful to know two minutes ago. Now it will never come up again. 37 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:51,460 You'll be walking your best girl along the park near the cathedral... My best girl! 38 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:55,380 And your second-best girl's at home! 39 00:02:55,380 --> 00:03:00,300 Water pouring out of her mouth. Anyway, the point is 40 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:04,740 gargoyles spout water. Ones that don't are grotesques. 41 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:07,380 What is Gothic about the Goths? 42 00:03:07,380 --> 00:03:08,940 "Aaaaow!" 43 00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:16,420 Er, the Goths were an ancient German tribe who wore crushed velvet and very thin drainpipe trousers. 44 00:03:16,420 --> 00:03:18,860 And spat in shopping centres. 45 00:03:18,860 --> 00:03:25,260 And Goths carry on that tradition to this day. A rampaging army of horny-headed warriors? 46 00:03:25,260 --> 00:03:29,460 Yes. And you should have some points because, oddly enough, 47 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:35,060 people think Goths were German, but they were originally Scandiwegian. 48 00:03:35,060 --> 00:03:39,620 Glaswegian Scandinavians?! Norwegian Scandinavians. 49 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:43,660 They sound dangerous. They came from Scandinavia 50 00:03:43,660 --> 00:03:49,020 and defeated the Vandals... Who hung around bus shelters. Exactly. 51 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:53,940 So you are, oddly enough, the most Gothic of the Goths. 52 00:03:53,940 --> 00:03:58,900 Gothic has been used to mean all kind of things. What kind of things? 53 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:05,740 Cathedrals. Why are they called Gothic? Is it anything that isn't classic? Yes, it was an insult. 54 00:04:05,740 --> 00:04:09,740 In Renaissance Italy, they called them Gothic to mean barbarian. 55 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:16,220 They were conceived to be the people who destroyed Rome and civilisation. Gothic was a huge insult. 56 00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:19,260 What else was called Gothic? Literature. 57 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:22,820 That's where you get Gothic as the macabre. 58 00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:27,780 Yes, and the sort of Byronesque sort of anti-hero, maybe. Yeah. 59 00:04:27,780 --> 00:04:33,740 Bad monks and women who always fainted and slightly lezzed it up. Yes. 60 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:38,340 They did a bit! Bad monks is a great idea for a book. They've done that. 61 00:04:38,340 --> 00:04:42,620 The Da Vinci Code. They should have called it Bad Monks. 62 00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:47,220 "It's a film about some BAD monks! These monks have turned nasty!" 63 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:52,100 This is now stuck to my head. Do take it off. Thank you. 64 00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:59,460 What other forms of Gothic are there? Carpenter Gothic? Carpenter? 65 00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:03,300 An interesting phase in their recording career. 66 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:07,980 She was quite skinny and had the mascara. It looked good. No. 67 00:05:07,980 --> 00:05:12,420 Carpenter Gothic? Was it a death-obsessed Geppetto? 68 00:05:12,420 --> 00:05:18,740 Oh, that's American Gothic! That's right. By? I thought it was Norman Rockwell. Grant somebody. 69 00:05:18,740 --> 00:05:23,420 Grant Wood. Grant Wood. Sounds like a porn star. 70 00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:26,380 It does rather. "I grant wood!" 71 00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:28,220 LAUGHTER 72 00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:30,300 "Thank you!" 73 00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:39,020 That is the actual building there, in Eldon, Iowa. Looks better in the painting, really. Dilapidated. 74 00:05:39,020 --> 00:05:45,020 How have they got Gothic from that? From that pointed ecclesiastical star window. 75 00:05:45,020 --> 00:05:50,980 It's a Gothic arch. It's a bit of a lame effort. Considering the trouble we went to over here. 76 00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:56,420 Americans think they can put a window like that in and call it Gothic. Lazy Gothic. 77 00:05:56,420 --> 00:06:01,300 Half-arsed Gothic. Couldn't be bothered Gothic. 78 00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:05,820 It's just so it fits under the roof, really, isn't it? Yes. 79 00:06:05,820 --> 00:06:08,300 APPLAUSE 80 00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:15,780 "What are we gonna do with the window?" "I don't know." "We'll tell them it's Gothic." 81 00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:19,820 Wasn't the guy in that painting his dentist? Absolutely right. 82 00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:23,980 It was Grant Wood's dentist. Points for Sue Perkins. 83 00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:26,460 APPLAUSE 84 00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:33,420 And the woman...? Is it Gail from Corrie? 85 00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:38,260 I'm sure that's her. Gail from Corrie. Helen Worth. Nice woman. 86 00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:42,780 She looks exactly like the character she plays. 87 00:06:44,980 --> 00:06:47,340 Very talented. 88 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:50,420 There is an incredible similarity. 89 00:06:50,420 --> 00:06:56,820 So there are lots of things we call Gothic. And the young people who go about in black eyeliner 90 00:06:56,820 --> 00:07:02,020 and stuff. I like the fact that the Goths sacked Rome 91 00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:08,900 only after being nagged by their mums for a fortnight. "Oh, do we have to? It's rubbish." 92 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:12,580 I like Goths. They're emotional and soulful. 93 00:07:12,580 --> 00:07:16,460 If they're emotional, they're... Emos. Aren't they? 94 00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:18,740 I love an Emo. 95 00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:25,540 I was a Goth for a while. Were you? I was asked to leave. I was just too miserable. 96 00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:29,900 "You're a bit of a downer." Bringing them down? 97 00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:37,260 Bringing the Goths down. I was an emu for a while. Aww. When did the hand come out? 98 00:07:37,260 --> 00:07:41,300 What is the difference between an Emo and a Goth? 99 00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:47,860 One's a flightless bird. And one's... The other one is a horny-headed vandal. 100 00:07:47,860 --> 00:07:51,940 You know you've got Fields of the Nephilim and Sisters of Mercy, 101 00:07:51,940 --> 00:07:57,340 then My Bloody Valentine and Death Cab For Cutie? It's different. 102 00:07:57,340 --> 00:07:59,580 LAUGHTER 103 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:05,220 It's like being on a show with your dad. "You don't get it. I hate you." 104 00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:11,500 No, they say that Emos want to kill themselves and Goths want to kill everyone else. 105 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:18,140 I think Goths have just decided to bring together all the things parents hate and fear most 106 00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:23,660 and put it all into one look. The pasty face, horrible dyed hair, 107 00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:27,780 punk clothing and rubbish music... Ohhh(!) 108 00:08:27,780 --> 00:08:30,020 ..and too much cider. 109 00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:31,460 Ohhh(!) 110 00:08:33,140 --> 00:08:38,020 I wanted to paint my bedroom black. What's the urge there? 111 00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:43,620 That seems to be very common. What colour is it? "Black. All of it. Ceiling's black." 112 00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:46,140 Were you allowed to do that? No. 113 00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:53,140 I got some wallpaper from Fads, right? And after I'd had it put up, I was quite pleased with it. 114 00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:57,180 And I was watching Coronation Street. This is 1982, I think. 115 00:08:57,180 --> 00:09:02,020 And Mike Baldwin was on at home with a glass of wine, flirting. 116 00:09:02,020 --> 00:09:06,940 And I realised he had exactly the same wallpaper as me. 117 00:09:06,940 --> 00:09:09,980 Ahh! And I felt really unwell then. 118 00:09:09,980 --> 00:09:15,220 I've got the same taste as Mike Baldwin! 119 00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,460 A very lowering thought. 120 00:09:17,460 --> 00:09:23,500 Then I settled on that as a role model. In my bedroom - Hyacinth Bucket...my bedroom. 121 00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:27,300 Hyacinth Bucket...my bedroom. Identical. 122 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:33,740 Goths are a little like vampires. They're sort of the same - they can't go out in the day or summer. 123 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:41,020 They just sort of melt. And the white face. Alice Cooper, was he...? It's almost a Goth look. 124 00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:45,580 Looks pretty Gothy to me. Goth-ish. Robert Smith of The Cure? 125 00:09:45,580 --> 00:09:50,540 He defines it. Siouxsie Sioux. Indeed. You look like her. 126 00:09:50,540 --> 00:09:56,460 But we both know I've got ridiculous glasses on top. That is quite Goth. 127 00:09:56,460 --> 00:09:59,540 That is...librarian Goth. 128 00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:04,380 It's a new movement! Maybe a supply teacher. 129 00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:08,820 Just over the glasses. Slightly licking the pencil. 130 00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:16,260 Oh, that's coquettish. I'm too old for that. The point is there are many things we call Gothic. 131 00:10:16,260 --> 00:10:20,860 Just about the only thing they have in common is no connection to Goths. 132 00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:23,740 But who painted this picture? 133 00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:26,100 "Aaaaow!" Yes? 134 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:29,660 Van "Goff". HOOTER 135 00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:31,780 We're after... 136 00:10:31,780 --> 00:10:35,220 I'm going to go Van Goth. 137 00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:38,260 HOOTER 138 00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:42,580 Wha...?! Van "Go"! Van Go? 139 00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:44,700 HOOTER 140 00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:49,460 "Here's Jimmy!" 141 00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:51,340 Cezanne. 142 00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:53,380 LAUGHTER 143 00:10:55,700 --> 00:11:00,540 At least you don't lose points for that. Van Ho. 144 00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:03,660 Closer... Van Heugh. What? 145 00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:08,660 Van Heugh. Now, listen. We can help you out with that name. 146 00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:13,620 Jolly close, Jack. Were you aware there's a Dutch version of QI? Yes. 147 00:11:13,620 --> 00:11:17,940 Would you like to see the presenter? Not really. 148 00:11:17,940 --> 00:11:23,260 He will tell us how the name is pronounced. Pretty good. Sho shexy. 149 00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:29,500 Come on! The correct Dutch pronunciation is Vincent Van "Hoch". 150 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,140 But, please, don't try this at home. 151 00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:38,180 There you are. What would he know? He wears more makeup than you, Stephen! 152 00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:42,260 You ought to be polite. He's in the audience. 153 00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:47,700 Arthur Japin, there he is! Hello! Thank you. 154 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:51,780 THEY SPEAK IN DUTCH 155 00:11:54,980 --> 00:12:00,660 Excellent to see you. Very good. How is QI? Is it a success in Dutchland? 156 00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:05,940 Yes, people love it. Good. Do you have a regular person ever week? 157 00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:09,740 I do. He's called Thomas van Luyn. Is he a bit...? 158 00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:12,140 Is he...? 159 00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:15,140 What's he like? LAUGHTER 160 00:12:15,140 --> 00:12:19,620 How can we put this delicately? He is a bit like Alan. 161 00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:26,780 He's sharp, funny, clever... We have to be kind to them. Yes. 162 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:33,140 See that behind Van Gogh? It's very similar to Mike Baldwin's wallpaper. 163 00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:39,620 It's really uncanny. You had taste after all. 164 00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:44,740 I also should say Arthur is a very, very, very brilliant novelist. 165 00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:49,380 That's Arthur Japin, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. 166 00:12:52,260 --> 00:12:55,100 Are we talking about Van Hoch now? 167 00:12:55,100 --> 00:13:01,420 Yeah, go on. He gave his ear to a girl, didn't he? To a prostitute. Well, yes. 168 00:13:01,420 --> 00:13:05,900 I was wondering if that was a very primitive bugging device. 169 00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:12,940 He thought she was cheating and he went, "I'll leave that." 170 00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:17,380 Like that John Sayles film Brother From Another Planet. 171 00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:23,420 Really good film. A guy lands - he's an alien - but he just looks like a black guy from Harlem. 172 00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:27,980 So he goes and lives there and gets a job fixing fruit machines. 173 00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:34,980 He can take his eye out and leave it and still see. Much as I have done there. 174 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:38,340 I don't know why I've shut my eye! 175 00:13:38,340 --> 00:13:44,380 You think Van Hoch was eavesdropping using his own ear? Almost certainly. 176 00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:48,620 There is now a theory that it was cut off by Gauguin in a fight. 177 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,380 It's not pronounced Gauguin. 178 00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:56,140 Hoo-hon! There we are. I'll have you know. 179 00:13:56,140 --> 00:14:02,580 He looks like he'd have your ear off in a second. He was a bit unfortunate, Van Gogh, 180 00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:09,420 in his reactions to things. There was a girl he was in love with. The parents denied him access. 181 00:14:09,420 --> 00:14:15,540 He put his hand in a flame and said, "She can see me for as long as I keep my hand there. 182 00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:22,180 "I'll keep burning it." The father just blew it out and said, "Go away!" 183 00:14:22,180 --> 00:14:28,820 Thanks to our friends on the Dutch version of QI, we were able to give you the correct pronunciation. 184 00:14:28,820 --> 00:14:36,260 Sounds like an outbreak of pneumonia in a frog pond, but speaking of infectious issue, Alan, 185 00:14:36,260 --> 00:14:42,220 you're a zombie. You bite Jimmy. Jimmy, you're now a zombie. You bite Jack. 186 00:14:42,220 --> 00:14:46,020 Jack bites Mel and so on. Sue. 187 00:14:46,020 --> 00:14:48,420 What? Sue. LAUGHTER 188 00:14:56,540 --> 00:14:58,340 Gosh. 189 00:14:58,340 --> 00:15:02,340 Stephen, 10 points now if you know her name. 190 00:15:02,340 --> 00:15:07,420 It's that warm, personal touch that you get on this show. 191 00:15:07,420 --> 00:15:11,300 I am so... Get the conveyor belt! Come on! 192 00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:15,420 I am so ashamed! Oh, Sue...! No one noticed, Hugh. 193 00:15:19,020 --> 00:15:24,300 Oh... So I've just been bitten and been called the wrong name! 194 00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:30,460 I'm sorry, Sue. So sorry. The point is the reciprocation. You've all been turned into zombies. 195 00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:35,380 How long would it take for the whole planet to be turned into a zombie? 196 00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:37,540 15 minutes. 197 00:15:37,540 --> 00:15:41,700 6.8 billion people. I reckon it would take about... 198 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:45,700 How are they travelling? Just...uugh! 199 00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:49,580 That is like holding a tea tray on a cruise ship. 200 00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:55,380 That is... Oh, years. I think it's a trick question. 201 00:15:55,380 --> 00:16:00,260 You're a vegetarian. You wouldn't bite me. You'd have a salad. 202 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:06,580 I wouldn't consume you, but I would be prepared to kill you and turn you into one of me! 203 00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:11,100 And we'll all live in windmills and solve crime! 204 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:20,140 Well... I look like the character. 205 00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:24,140 LAUGHTER You do, actually! 206 00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:28,100 Whereas Mel looks nothing like herself. You don't, Mel. 207 00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:31,060 You look like the other one! I know. 208 00:16:31,060 --> 00:16:36,100 Zombies? Yeah. I don't know how long it would take. 209 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:39,700 They're all biting...? It multiplies out? 210 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:45,460 It's exponential growth. Isn't there that thing that the Chinese emperor did? 211 00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:51,300 He did the thing with the chessboard. Some guy said, "Pay me one grain of rice the first day. 212 00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:56,420 "Two for the second day. Then four, then eight." "No problem." 213 00:16:56,420 --> 00:17:02,260 By the end of the chessboard, it's all the rice in the world. It's WAY more than that. 214 00:17:02,260 --> 00:17:08,500 It's a staggering amount. 64 squares. I'll have to read it. It's not a number you can memorise. 215 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:15,820 18 quintillion, 446 quadrillion, 744 trillion, 73 billion, 216 00:17:15,820 --> 00:17:20,060 709 million, 551 thousand, 217 00:17:20,060 --> 00:17:26,300 615 grains, which is what the whole world could possibly produce in 80 years 218 00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:31,620 if all arable land was converted. So if that's 64...30 days. 219 00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:36,660 Not bad. 38 days. 38 days. For a full infection rate? 220 00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:41,620 Do you know what this progression is called? A geometrical progression. 221 00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:44,020 As opposed to arithmetic. 222 00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:50,740 But if it was really happening, you wouldn't care what it was called. You'd just bloody run. 223 00:17:50,740 --> 00:17:54,460 The zombie thing. I think zombie is a Haitian word. 224 00:17:54,460 --> 00:17:59,700 You're wrong. Oh. It's associated with Haiti. Voodoo, isn't it? 225 00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:04,420 But voodoo originated in...? Haiti. Croydon! Whitby. 226 00:18:04,420 --> 00:18:09,340 Haiti is a Caribbean island peopled by... Africans. West African. 227 00:18:09,340 --> 00:18:14,380 So don't zombies actually exist in Haiti? I read - probably nonsense - 228 00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:21,620 that they get venom from a puffer fish... Yes. ..and they appear dead, like in a coma, 229 00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:28,060 and then they wake up like real zombies and that's where it's from. You're very right. Really? 230 00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:33,580 An ethno-botanist called Wade Davis in the '80s discovered - it's his theory - 231 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:39,940 that the puffer fish poison was being used to create a zombie trance, a death-like trance. 232 00:18:39,940 --> 00:18:43,540 From "nzambi", the West African word. 233 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:47,700 Going back to Alan zombieing, due to the power of exponential growth, 234 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:54,100 it would take just over a month for everyone in the world to be like Alan. I'd love to see that day. 235 00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:59,140 I really would. Now, where's this fish going? 236 00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:01,660 A massive cat! 237 00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:06,580 It's got "decoy" written all over it. LAUGHTER 238 00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:13,220 A bird. We're in Ghana. Accra, in fact. Can you see a line along the fish? The lid! 239 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:18,700 Cockpit. It's a mini sub. What? Cockpit. I thought you said coffin. 240 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:25,380 It's not! It's a coffin. In Accra, there's a tradition... Buried in a fish with a painted face?! 241 00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:32,020 Whatever you like. It can be a mobile phone, a Bible is common. Was he cremated or grilled? 242 00:19:32,020 --> 00:19:33,940 LAUGHTER 243 00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:39,820 Could you have a floating one with a domed top? 244 00:19:39,820 --> 00:19:44,820 You can have an aeroplane. Or a car. That's wrong. Do you think? 245 00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:49,420 It's just one final chance to be a bloody nuisance to everyone. 246 00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:54,700 "I want to be buried in a 15-foot fish." "Oh, do you? Great(!)" 247 00:19:54,700 --> 00:20:01,420 - I like the big shoe! - "You were a pain when you were alive and now you're even worse." 248 00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:06,860 What about the red hot chilli pepper in the background? And a giant shoe! 249 00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:11,900 "I'd like to be buried in a pair of Oxfords. A pair, mind!" 250 00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:17,740 They cost 400, you know. A year's wages. What a waste of money. 251 00:20:17,740 --> 00:20:25,100 A year's wages? You're not going to need it once you're gone. True. Jack, you're angry at this. 252 00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:29,340 It's made me cross, that. Shouldn't there be fun in death? 253 00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:35,260 If you can't be convenient when you're dead, then you know... You might as well forget about it. 254 00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:39,380 It's quite a recent tradition. I'd imagine it is! 255 00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:43,460 They've got better things to spend their money on, like food! 256 00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:48,540 Oh, Lord. Anyway... There's a tiny little fish on the back shelf. 257 00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:54,020 Is that to put your cat in or something? Rather a sad thought. 258 00:20:54,020 --> 00:21:00,620 Maybe it's just a model. How quickly does he knock these up? That must be quite depressing. 259 00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:05,140 "There's good news and bad news. Bad news is you're not going to make it. 260 00:21:05,140 --> 00:21:07,460 "Here's a brochure. 261 00:21:07,460 --> 00:21:10,620 "Pick your favourite." Absolutely. 262 00:21:10,620 --> 00:21:17,380 I was once in a graveyard... You can't begin a story, "I was once in a graveyard"! 263 00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:21,620 Quite nonchalant. You know the old gravestones with curly bits? Yes. 264 00:21:21,620 --> 00:21:29,220 My little brother thought that was where chefs were buried. Ohh. Funnily enough, you know, 265 00:21:29,220 --> 00:21:31,580 we have a question about graveyards. 266 00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:37,780 If you saw a graveyard like this, what would it tell you? That signifies... Yes. Decapitation? 267 00:21:37,780 --> 00:21:44,700 No. He... It looks a bit old and derelict and disused and not using it any more... No. 268 00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:50,700 When a column is brand-new like that... Was it that distressed look that Kirsty Allsopp goes on about? 269 00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:56,780 There is an element of that. Is it like "died young"? Yes, it's a symbol of life being cut short. 270 00:21:56,780 --> 00:21:59,980 There's a lot of symbology going on in graveyards. 271 00:21:59,980 --> 00:22:02,820 I bet people have fixed those. 272 00:22:02,820 --> 00:22:07,260 I bet councils have been in there and gone, "This needs redoing." 273 00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:10,180 It might be true. That's a horrible thought. 274 00:22:10,180 --> 00:22:13,580 So it's an untimely death, like a lightning strike? 275 00:22:13,580 --> 00:22:15,620 Yeah, a life cut short. 276 00:22:15,620 --> 00:22:21,220 There must be an age at which they died where they went, "That's fair enough, that'll do." 277 00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:24,860 There's a broken chain which symbolises...? Messy divorce? 278 00:22:24,860 --> 00:22:27,700 Well, a loss in the family. Goth? 279 00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:31,020 Everyone's death is a loss in the family, isn't it? 280 00:22:31,020 --> 00:22:33,500 Apples? A greengrocer? 281 00:22:35,260 --> 00:22:37,340 Sin. They represent sin. 282 00:22:37,340 --> 00:22:40,620 Fallen women. Fallen women might have an apple. 283 00:22:40,620 --> 00:22:46,460 Why would scientists be interested in lichen, particularly in graveyards on tombstones? 284 00:22:46,460 --> 00:22:51,220 It's a pollution indicator, all that moss? Very good. Absolutely right. 285 00:22:51,220 --> 00:22:57,060 Why is it particularly useful in graveyards? It absorbs pollutants like heavy metals, cadmium. 286 00:22:57,060 --> 00:23:02,220 You've got the dates on the gravestones. Very good. You know how much of it there is. 287 00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:05,860 And also they tend not to spray graveyards with chemicals. 288 00:23:05,860 --> 00:23:09,700 It's considered disrespectful to spray them with pesticides. 289 00:23:09,700 --> 00:23:12,580 That's good on the grave. Well done, everybody. 290 00:23:12,580 --> 00:23:18,740 What's the best way to ensure that your family never forgets you after you're gone? Haunting. Yeah. 291 00:23:18,740 --> 00:23:23,980 If he insists on being buried in an exact replica of your house 292 00:23:23,980 --> 00:23:29,460 that they have to pay for and therefore sell the house they live in to... 293 00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:33,100 You're still angry, aren't you? ..finance it. Yeah. 294 00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:37,220 Being stuffed. Well, yes, being stuffed. Preserved in some way. 295 00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:42,180 There's a very extreme example... Leaning on the mantelpiece. With a pipe. 296 00:23:42,180 --> 00:23:47,140 Just slightly in front of the television, so they can't see it. 297 00:23:47,140 --> 00:23:50,500 Just one arm, so you just... 298 00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:54,220 There was an artist called Hananuma Masakichi. 299 00:23:54,220 --> 00:23:58,060 Yeah. Have you heard of him? He's bloody good. He's excellent. 300 00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:02,260 In the 1880s he was diagnosed with tuberculosis and knew he would die, 301 00:24:02,260 --> 00:24:05,060 so he made a statue of himself so life-like 302 00:24:05,060 --> 00:24:09,900 that when he stood next to it, people couldn't tell which was which, apparently. 303 00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:15,780 He hand-crafted glass eyes, then bored tiny individual holes for every pore of his body, 304 00:24:15,780 --> 00:24:20,740 then took the hairs from every pore of his body and put them into the other pores. 305 00:24:20,740 --> 00:24:26,860 He pulled out all his own fingernails and put them in like that. His toenails and his teeth. 306 00:24:26,860 --> 00:24:32,660 Obviously, this is a replica because it's quite shiny and not anything like a real person. 307 00:24:32,660 --> 00:24:38,500 Imagine if he did all that and someone went, "It doesn't look that much like you." You're left with... 308 00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,500 Bald. No teeth, no nails. 309 00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:44,540 He pulled his teeth out while he was still alive? He wanted it to be real. 310 00:24:44,540 --> 00:24:48,420 Who was it for? Gunther von Hagens. His girlfriend and his family. 311 00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:54,140 Imagine if he'd taken his eyes out at an early stage and realised what a stupid mistake that was. 312 00:24:54,140 --> 00:25:00,340 "Oh, damn!" It found its way, the original, to Robert Ripley's Odditorium in Los Angeles, 313 00:25:00,340 --> 00:25:06,380 but unfortunately, it was injured in an earthquake in '96 and it's currently awaiting restoration. 314 00:25:06,380 --> 00:25:11,900 There is a replica in London's Odditorium. I didn't know we had one. On Piccadilly Circus. 315 00:25:11,900 --> 00:25:16,100 Where did they get this one from? This one is from the Odditorium. 316 00:25:16,100 --> 00:25:19,140 You can also be turned into compost. 317 00:25:19,140 --> 00:25:24,780 You're dipped in liquid nitrogen, then vibrated. Liquid nitrogen makes you so brittle. Vibrated? 318 00:25:24,780 --> 00:25:27,420 That's a sales pitch, isn't it? 319 00:25:27,420 --> 00:25:30,060 "Well, if that doesn't kill you..." 320 00:25:30,060 --> 00:25:36,100 They use a magnet to get rid of mercury and other metals which can then go into the making of something 321 00:25:36,100 --> 00:25:40,940 or into an ordinary recycling thing, so they just make a car or bits of a car. 322 00:25:40,940 --> 00:25:46,740 Then you've got 25 to 30 kilograms left over which is put into a coffin made of maize or potato starch 323 00:25:46,740 --> 00:25:52,980 and you're then buried and you rot into the earth and you're biodegraded in six or twelve months. 324 00:25:52,980 --> 00:25:58,500 It's weird how the world has changed. It used to be people wanted to leave a mark on the world. 325 00:25:58,500 --> 00:26:04,500 "I'm going to leave a mark, people will know I was here." Now just the opposite. "I won't leave a mess!" 326 00:26:04,500 --> 00:26:08,740 You're known as a big grow-bag! "You won't know I've been here." 327 00:26:08,740 --> 00:26:12,780 "That's your Uncle Jimmy there." "That tomato sticking out of him!" 328 00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:16,300 "I've done pak choi this year on him." 329 00:26:16,300 --> 00:26:18,220 "I'd be very happy." 330 00:26:18,220 --> 00:26:25,020 What about letting your family see you disintegrate, see you in your coffin, have a camera...? 331 00:26:25,020 --> 00:26:30,980 Have a camera in your coffin? A webcam. There is a Seattle-based company called SeeMeRot.com. 332 00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:33,900 I'm not making it up. No! 333 00:26:33,900 --> 00:26:38,420 They have a light and you can watch your loved one basically rot. 334 00:26:38,420 --> 00:26:40,860 There you go. Can I... 335 00:26:43,460 --> 00:26:48,460 When you say... The only problem I've got with that is "loved one". 336 00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:51,700 Their slogan... 337 00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:56,180 "Being dead and buried doesn't mean you can't have friends over." 338 00:26:58,220 --> 00:27:04,260 Imagine if you were watching the webcam, watching and watching and watching, then suddenly it went... 339 00:27:05,740 --> 00:27:09,260 You would be so freaked out by that, wouldn't you? 340 00:27:10,180 --> 00:27:15,460 They used to bury people and sometimes they would be scratching on the coffin lid 341 00:27:15,460 --> 00:27:19,340 because they were in a coma and then they woke up. 342 00:27:19,340 --> 00:27:22,180 Nowadays, they should just give you a mobile. 343 00:27:22,180 --> 00:27:26,660 That does happen. A lot of people are afraid of being buried alive. 344 00:27:26,660 --> 00:27:29,220 I'm quite afraid of it. 345 00:27:29,220 --> 00:27:31,620 Now you mention it! 346 00:27:31,620 --> 00:27:37,380 What I mean is, they have a real... It doesn't bother me! They're obsessed by it. 347 00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:39,620 Yeah, whatever, bring it on! 348 00:27:39,620 --> 00:27:43,620 I'd prefer it not to happen, but I don't think about it. 349 00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:47,620 There are people who really think about it and plan against it. 350 00:27:47,620 --> 00:27:51,900 I get frustrated enough if I can't get a signal if I'm in a hotel. 351 00:27:51,900 --> 00:27:57,420 You'd be annoyed if your battery had run out. Six feet under, you've got no chance! 352 00:27:57,420 --> 00:28:04,340 You'd make that call, but only after checking your e-mails. "I'll just check... Oh, the battery's gone!" 353 00:28:04,340 --> 00:28:10,820 Now, perhaps the most macabre posthumous gift was that Japanese chap there, Hananuma Masakichi, 354 00:28:10,820 --> 00:28:14,460 which he constructed entirely out of his own body parts. 355 00:28:14,460 --> 00:28:19,420 But tell me about the vampire squid from hell. What's scary about it? 356 00:28:19,420 --> 00:28:23,540 It going through your digestive system and the havoc it wreaks? 357 00:28:23,540 --> 00:28:26,660 It does look like... I had a meal like that in Spain. 358 00:28:26,660 --> 00:28:32,460 When you say it's FROM hell, is it quite nice and it didn't fit in in hell, so it came back? 359 00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:36,300 Its name is Vampyroteuthis infernalis. 360 00:28:36,300 --> 00:28:40,140 It has the biggest eyes of any animal relative to its head. 361 00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:43,380 In a human, the eyes would be a foot wide. 362 00:28:43,380 --> 00:28:46,140 It would be Natalie Imbruglia. 363 00:28:46,140 --> 00:28:48,660 There one is. They're rather ugly. 364 00:28:48,660 --> 00:28:52,180 I think she's all right. You like that, do you? 365 00:28:52,180 --> 00:28:56,420 My God, that's hideous! It sort of looks like an organ of some kind. 366 00:28:56,420 --> 00:28:59,900 It's rather like a baked potato at the moment. Yeah. 367 00:28:59,900 --> 00:29:02,740 They live in the dark? They live really deep. 368 00:29:02,740 --> 00:29:07,100 There are the big eyes. A tendril comes out. I bet that's off-putting. 369 00:29:07,100 --> 00:29:13,100 They are so deep that their defence is not ink which would be no good cos the water is so dark down there, 370 00:29:13,100 --> 00:29:18,940 it's jets of bioluminescence - countless bright blue orbs that dazzle anyone who attacks them. 371 00:29:18,940 --> 00:29:22,740 In the dazzle, they escape. Their defence is to dazzle? Yeah. 372 00:29:22,740 --> 00:29:25,340 Showtime! 373 00:29:25,340 --> 00:29:27,900 Yeah. Not... Ta-da! 374 00:29:27,900 --> 00:29:32,500 It's the John Barrowman of deep-sea... 375 00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:35,900 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Of deep-sea survival. 376 00:29:37,020 --> 00:29:40,220 "Get back or I'll show you my teeth!" 377 00:29:40,220 --> 00:29:42,140 "Aagh!" 378 00:29:42,140 --> 00:29:46,180 Despite its name, the vampire squid from hell is a docile creature. 379 00:29:46,180 --> 00:29:50,020 It releases a firework display from its arms when threatened. 380 00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:53,900 What is the toughest way, though, to become a mummy? 381 00:29:53,900 --> 00:29:56,340 Well... I'll take it. 382 00:29:57,340 --> 00:30:00,900 'Here's Jimmy!' A WOMAN SCREAMS 383 00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:03,020 Reverse cowgirl? 384 00:30:04,020 --> 00:30:07,020 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 385 00:30:07,020 --> 00:30:11,100 They understand that. You're going to have to explain it to me. 386 00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:14,060 I'll need a volunteer from the audience. 387 00:30:14,060 --> 00:30:18,980 If you were having sex with me... Yeah. Or Mel. Or Mel. 388 00:30:18,980 --> 00:30:23,540 Say you're having sex with Mel and you're lying down on your back 389 00:30:23,540 --> 00:30:26,980 and Mel is... I can't use her name. 390 00:30:26,980 --> 00:30:31,140 Jordan. She's sitting on top of you, but looking away - reverse cowgirl. 391 00:30:31,140 --> 00:30:34,980 Oh. I find they're much happier without looking away from me. 392 00:30:34,980 --> 00:30:39,660 Really? Especially if they can see out the window. It's like a budgie. 393 00:30:42,060 --> 00:30:48,300 She could be reading a book or watching telly. If she can see the telly or outdoors, she doesn't mind. 394 00:30:48,300 --> 00:30:51,340 That's wonderful. It's catch-up time for women. 395 00:30:51,340 --> 00:30:56,140 So she's doing sudoku or whatever. Yes, whatever you need to do. 396 00:30:56,140 --> 00:31:01,940 You're thinking of making babies, aren't you? That sort of mummy I realise now as well. 397 00:31:03,220 --> 00:31:06,660 Can you turn yourself into a mummy? Probably. 398 00:31:06,660 --> 00:31:12,700 You could probably wrap yourself up in... Haven't you got to take your liver out through your nose? 399 00:31:12,700 --> 00:31:19,140 They took the organs out through the mouth and nose? The brain they would take out through the nose. 400 00:31:19,140 --> 00:31:25,340 They'd agitate it with hooks, so it turned into a liquid mush. Oh! Worse than being buried alive or...? 401 00:31:25,340 --> 00:31:28,580 Then after that, they would kill them! 402 00:31:28,580 --> 00:31:33,460 But the Sokushinbutsu were members of an obscure Buddhist sect 403 00:31:33,460 --> 00:31:38,180 who, in Japan, used to practise the macabre idea of self-mummification. 404 00:31:38,180 --> 00:31:41,220 It's quite complicated, it's really interesting. 405 00:31:41,220 --> 00:31:44,740 For a thousand days, a priest would eat nuts and seeds 406 00:31:44,740 --> 00:31:49,780 while taking part in vigorous physical activity, so that he had no body fat. 407 00:31:49,780 --> 00:31:53,780 He'd then only eat bark and roots for another thousand days, 408 00:31:53,780 --> 00:32:00,020 then drink a poisonous tea made from the sap of the urushi tree, causing him to vomit and lose bodily fluids. 409 00:32:00,020 --> 00:32:05,300 Then he'd lock himself into a tiny stone tomb with an air tube and a bell. 410 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:08,620 Every day, he'd ring his bell to show he was alive. 411 00:32:08,620 --> 00:32:12,660 When the bell stopped, the tube was removed and the tomb was sealed. 412 00:32:12,660 --> 00:32:16,860 Then other monks waited for another thousand days, then opened the tomb 413 00:32:16,860 --> 00:32:21,180 and if the monk had succeeded in preserving his body in his death, 414 00:32:21,180 --> 00:32:27,100 he was considered to have achieved the state of a truly enlightened Buddha. Who made that up? Buddhists. 415 00:32:27,100 --> 00:32:29,540 It's a terrible photo of him. 416 00:32:29,540 --> 00:32:34,460 If I was going to go to all that trouble, I'd have a decent photo taken of me. 417 00:32:34,460 --> 00:32:40,380 A lot of people think that Buddha is like the sane religion, Buddhists are normal and decent. 418 00:32:40,380 --> 00:32:45,140 But even Buddhism has "weirdery" beyond belief, really, I'm afraid. 419 00:32:45,140 --> 00:32:49,940 They don't do it like that any more? It's now an illegal form of suicide. 420 00:32:49,940 --> 00:32:52,180 They have a webcam now. 421 00:32:52,180 --> 00:32:55,140 As a form of suicide, that should be promoted. 422 00:32:55,140 --> 00:33:01,180 If you jump off something high, it's all over very quickly. You've not been able to think it through. 423 00:33:01,180 --> 00:33:05,740 With that, you can change your mind. "You know what? I fancy a drink." 424 00:33:05,740 --> 00:33:10,060 After about 900 days, you'd go, "Oh, a pizza wouldn't go amiss!" 425 00:33:10,060 --> 00:33:15,900 If you open it after a thousand days and he hasn't turned into a mummy, do you say, "I told you he had a Twix"? 426 00:33:15,900 --> 00:33:21,940 Members of an obscure Buddhist sect in Japan went through a rigorous process of self-mummification 427 00:33:21,940 --> 00:33:25,380 until the practice was stopped in the 19th century. 428 00:33:25,380 --> 00:33:31,860 In the 1960s, two-thirds, right, two-thirds of the Americans who accidentally lost a limb, 429 00:33:31,860 --> 00:33:35,820 of all Americans, two-thirds of them, came from one town in Florida. 430 00:33:35,820 --> 00:33:40,300 Why? Well, because that enormous thing dropped on their limbs. 431 00:33:40,300 --> 00:33:43,940 The enormous doughnut from outer space took their legs. 432 00:33:43,940 --> 00:33:47,380 Is it because it cost an arm and a leg to live there? 433 00:33:47,380 --> 00:33:49,940 No, there's more. 434 00:33:49,940 --> 00:33:54,980 I'm here all week. It was all men, funnily enough. I don't think any of them were women. 435 00:33:54,980 --> 00:34:00,140 Is it the town where they put the diabetic clinic next to the doughnut shop? 436 00:34:00,140 --> 00:34:02,940 Oh, my God... What? 437 00:34:02,940 --> 00:34:08,260 It happens. It does. Is it the town where the helicopter pad was next to the taxi rank? 438 00:34:09,300 --> 00:34:11,340 Oh...! No. 439 00:34:11,340 --> 00:34:14,140 An unnatural amount of... Sharks. 440 00:34:14,140 --> 00:34:17,860 Not sharks. This is self-harm we're talking about. 441 00:34:17,860 --> 00:34:20,100 Oh, amputee wannabes. 442 00:34:20,100 --> 00:34:24,820 I think I've made that sound disrespectful. 443 00:34:24,820 --> 00:34:27,660 # Amputee Wannabes... # 444 00:34:27,660 --> 00:34:31,700 It's new on ITV-2. You are going to love it. I'll present it. 445 00:34:33,020 --> 00:34:35,940 Welcome to Amputee Wannabe! 446 00:34:35,940 --> 00:34:41,020 No, it's not that form of dysmorphia. It's self-harm for another reason. 447 00:34:41,020 --> 00:34:44,580 To avoid the draft, is it? No, but it is for gain. 448 00:34:44,580 --> 00:34:47,340 Oh, insurance. Insurance is right. 449 00:34:47,340 --> 00:34:53,180 When you said avoid the "draft", I thought a cardigan would have been an easier way. 450 00:34:54,420 --> 00:34:57,100 My legs are freezing! Hack 'em off! 451 00:34:57,100 --> 00:35:01,820 Really... You put your jumper on, then wrap your arms round your neck. 452 00:35:02,820 --> 00:35:06,500 They did. It's a bit chilly. They sawed them off. 453 00:35:06,500 --> 00:35:13,500 It just became a fever of it. More than 50 occurrences in a town of a population of 500. 454 00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:16,460 Most limbs were shot off with hunting rifles. 455 00:35:16,460 --> 00:35:21,740 Triggers pulled unexpectedly as victims climbed fences, guns misfiring. These were the claims. 456 00:35:21,740 --> 00:35:24,020 All the mishaps involved men. 457 00:35:24,020 --> 00:35:28,140 Somehow they'd always shoot off the parts they seemed to need least. 458 00:35:28,140 --> 00:35:33,980 Your left hand. Yeah. "A foot while protecting chickens." "Lost a hand while trying to shoot a hawk." 459 00:35:33,980 --> 00:35:38,020 "A man lost two limbs in an accident involving a rifle and a tractor." 460 00:35:38,020 --> 00:35:44,020 The time has come to see what skeletons are lurking in our closet of general ignorance, 461 00:35:44,020 --> 00:35:48,420 so skeletal finger bones on buzzers, please. What does this tell you? 462 00:35:48,420 --> 00:35:50,460 RHYTHMIC BEEPING 463 00:35:50,460 --> 00:35:54,460 SHARP "PSYCHO" MUSIC It's your heartbeat, isn't it? 464 00:35:54,460 --> 00:35:58,020 CONTINUOUS BEEP But this? It tells you you're dead. 465 00:35:58,020 --> 00:36:01,620 KLAXON SOUNDS Oh, Jackie baby! 466 00:36:01,620 --> 00:36:04,180 You've fallen into another trap. 467 00:36:04,180 --> 00:36:08,220 It's called flat-lining and in films it tends to mean you're dead, 468 00:36:08,220 --> 00:36:11,820 but in real life, if you died, you wouldn't get that. 469 00:36:11,820 --> 00:36:18,580 So why do they panic when that comes up? In real life, if you tripped on a cable and pulled it out... 470 00:36:18,580 --> 00:36:23,620 Someone could have died. They tripped on a cable. It doesn't tell you that they're dead. 471 00:36:23,620 --> 00:36:28,340 It tells you the cable's missing, then you would find out... 472 00:36:28,340 --> 00:36:33,420 The fibrillator is used like that. What do you use those for? To start the heart up again. 473 00:36:33,420 --> 00:36:36,940 I use them for making paninis. Ah! Very good. 474 00:36:36,940 --> 00:36:40,260 They're paddles to get the heart working again. 475 00:36:40,260 --> 00:36:46,780 It's for an arrhythmia. It's not to start a heart that's stopped, but in movies, that's what it's used for. 476 00:36:46,780 --> 00:36:50,820 It's no wonder I failed my finals. It's probably as well for the world. 477 00:36:50,820 --> 00:36:55,980 If an ECG monitor goes flat, it probably means somebody has tripped over the cable. 478 00:36:55,980 --> 00:37:00,820 After the Vietnam War, who was buried in the tomb of the Unknown Soldier? 479 00:37:00,820 --> 00:37:04,220 We don't know. All of them were anonymous deliberately. 480 00:37:04,220 --> 00:37:07,540 KLAXON SOUNDS 481 00:37:07,540 --> 00:37:13,500 The whole nature of this show will mean the Unknown Soldier wasn't a soldier, they knew him, 482 00:37:13,500 --> 00:37:16,820 and he wasn't dead. He wasn't dead. 483 00:37:18,500 --> 00:37:24,300 Yeah, the Unknown Soldier was actually buried in a replica of a large red chilli. 484 00:37:24,300 --> 00:37:28,060 Was he an unknown soldier when he was still alive as well? 485 00:37:28,060 --> 00:37:33,420 He kept turning up and everyone said, "How are you doing?" "Who's that?" "I don't know." 486 00:37:33,420 --> 00:37:36,940 He seems keen to join in. "I don't know who he is." 487 00:37:36,940 --> 00:37:40,980 "What happened to that unknown soldier?" "He died. Let's bury him." 488 00:37:40,980 --> 00:37:44,500 After the Vietnam War, there was an unknown soldier buried, 489 00:37:44,500 --> 00:37:49,420 but a family thought they heard that the Unknown Soldier had died in a helicopter crash. 490 00:37:49,420 --> 00:37:52,300 They thought their son had died in the same crash, 491 00:37:52,300 --> 00:37:57,460 so in the 1990s, they persuaded the US government to do a DNA test on the Unknown Soldier 492 00:37:57,460 --> 00:38:01,380 and it was indeed their son, so the remains were returned. 493 00:38:01,380 --> 00:38:07,620 It's unlikely there'll be another unknown soldier as all American and British soldiers are DNA-profiled, 494 00:38:07,620 --> 00:38:10,060 so they will always be known. 495 00:38:10,060 --> 00:38:13,060 That's a happy ending, isn't it(?) 496 00:38:14,260 --> 00:38:18,300 But the original Unknown Soldier, do you know the first time it was done? 497 00:38:18,300 --> 00:38:22,900 After World War One? Yes. It was done in 1920 in France and Britain. 498 00:38:22,900 --> 00:38:25,940 In Britain, there were four unknown soldiers 499 00:38:25,940 --> 00:38:30,500 and a general pointed at one body and that became The Unknown Soldier 500 00:38:30,500 --> 00:38:34,540 who was honoured with a state funeral in Westminster Abbey, 501 00:38:34,540 --> 00:38:37,860 entombed with a medieval crusader's sword 502 00:38:37,860 --> 00:38:40,900 in the presence of a guard made up of 100 VCs. 503 00:38:40,900 --> 00:38:47,060 The guests of honour were 100 women, each of whom had lost her husband and all her sons in the war. 504 00:38:47,060 --> 00:38:50,300 That is sobering. Wow! An amazing ceremony. 505 00:38:50,340 --> 00:38:54,780 The Cenotaph is a memorial to the Unknown Soldier, isn't it? Yes. 506 00:38:54,780 --> 00:38:57,820 It was designed by Lutyens, wasn't it? Yes. 507 00:38:57,820 --> 00:39:00,900 I think you must have points. I hope so. 508 00:39:00,900 --> 00:39:04,540 To make up for your large collection of negative points. 509 00:39:04,540 --> 00:39:07,460 That's a very funny round, I think(!) 510 00:39:07,460 --> 00:39:11,420 It'll be interesting to see if we can pick it up from there. 511 00:39:11,420 --> 00:39:16,660 It was quite interesting, if not quite funny. It was amazing, the story of that service. 512 00:39:16,660 --> 00:39:22,300 Anyway, moving on... Where does the saying "saved by the bell" come from? 513 00:39:22,300 --> 00:39:26,220 SHARP "PSYCHO" MUSIC I know what's going to happen now. 514 00:39:26,220 --> 00:39:30,220 I'm going to get the klaxon for this. Is it a boxing reference? 515 00:39:30,220 --> 00:39:33,140 Yes! Well done. APPLAUSE 516 00:39:35,900 --> 00:39:38,340 We thought... 517 00:39:38,340 --> 00:39:42,860 It is actually... Is this where the bell's going to go off? Don't do it. 518 00:39:42,860 --> 00:39:46,820 He's going to lead you... It's going back to being buried alive. 519 00:39:46,820 --> 00:39:49,900 No... KLAXON SOUNDS 520 00:39:49,900 --> 00:39:55,700 How can you get it wrong after he's got it right? That's extraordinary! Only Alan... 521 00:39:55,700 --> 00:40:01,740 You were saved by the bell. He got it right. You couldn't say the stupid thing and went there anyway! 522 00:40:01,740 --> 00:40:05,660 I find it quite interesting. I thought that was the true one. 523 00:40:05,660 --> 00:40:11,980 People do think that. You had a bell tied to your toe and if you were buried alive, you'd start kicking. 524 00:40:11,980 --> 00:40:17,140 There have been people who have been so afraid of premature burial. 525 00:40:17,140 --> 00:40:21,180 There was an old film of a man who was so afraid of being buried alive 526 00:40:21,180 --> 00:40:25,020 that he equipped his tomb with these different emergency things, 527 00:40:25,020 --> 00:40:29,900 but when he came round, it had all rotted and the string for the bell had corroded. 528 00:40:29,900 --> 00:40:35,100 There's an Edgar Allan Poe story called The Premature Burial. It'll never be that premature. 529 00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:39,180 Maybe five days max. It's premature enough for most of us. 530 00:40:39,180 --> 00:40:41,980 What can you tell me about Mozart's burial? 531 00:40:41,980 --> 00:40:46,860 'Here's Jimmy!' Did they play Angels by Robbie Williams? 532 00:40:48,460 --> 00:40:54,420 Was it Bohemian Rhapsody? They do have a top ten of the play-off tunes that people choose for going into... 533 00:40:54,420 --> 00:40:58,140 Do you know what one of the most popular is? Countdown. 534 00:40:58,140 --> 00:40:59,980 No! 535 00:40:59,980 --> 00:41:03,420 As they go in... THEY SING "COUNTDOWN" THEME 536 00:41:05,980 --> 00:41:09,020 There's a quite interesting fact about this. 537 00:41:09,020 --> 00:41:12,860 One of the most popular ones is Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. 538 00:41:12,860 --> 00:41:18,620 And the next track on their Best Of, if you bring the CD, is Another One Bites The Dust. 539 00:41:18,620 --> 00:41:21,820 You've got to be really quite quick. Yes, you have. 540 00:41:21,820 --> 00:41:25,460 It's a better choice, isn't it? Much better. 541 00:41:25,460 --> 00:41:31,700 This is a terrible way to hear he's dead. Contrary to popular belief, it was not a pauper's funeral. 542 00:41:31,700 --> 00:41:35,900 Only the aristocracy had tombs and vaults in those days. 543 00:41:35,900 --> 00:41:41,340 His funeral cost quite a lot of money - 8 guilders and 56 kreuzer. To hire the orchestra. 544 00:41:41,340 --> 00:41:46,420 That was all paid for by Guten Tag, which was their version of Hello magazine. 545 00:41:47,780 --> 00:41:51,700 They covered it very tastefully. It was really nicely done. 546 00:41:51,700 --> 00:41:55,860 In Mozart's lifetime, he had a pet starling whom he buried in 1784. 547 00:41:55,860 --> 00:42:01,780 Its whistling inspired the principal theme of the last movement of Mozart's Piano Concerto K453. 548 00:42:01,780 --> 00:42:05,900 BIRD WHISTLING That's the starling, obviously. 549 00:42:05,900 --> 00:42:09,260 ORCHESTRAL MUSIC That's the Piano Concerto. 550 00:42:14,900 --> 00:42:21,820 Mozart wasn't buried in a pauper's grave. He had the same kind of funeral as everybody else in Vienna. 551 00:42:21,820 --> 00:42:24,460 Finally, it's time for the scores. 552 00:42:24,460 --> 00:42:27,380 And...oh! Oh, my goodness me! 553 00:42:27,380 --> 00:42:33,020 Well, I'm sorry to say that in last place with minus 28, it's Jimmy Carr! 554 00:42:33,020 --> 00:42:35,700 APPLAUSE 555 00:42:39,820 --> 00:42:42,740 A little better with minus 26, Sue Perkins! 556 00:42:42,740 --> 00:42:45,420 APPLAUSE 557 00:42:48,380 --> 00:42:51,060 But there's no question about it, 558 00:42:51,060 --> 00:42:57,060 tonight's winners, tied on minus 17, it's Alan and Jack! 559 00:42:57,060 --> 00:43:00,100 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 560 00:43:05,220 --> 00:43:11,060 So before the show breathes its last, I've just got time to thank Jimmy, Jack, Sue and Alan. 561 00:43:11,060 --> 00:43:14,900 I leave you with this boo-boo from baseball great Yogi Berra. 562 00:43:14,900 --> 00:43:21,140 "Always go to other people's funerals," he said, "otherwise, they won't come to yours." Good night!