1 00:00:22,420 --> 00:00:25,740 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:25,740 --> 00:00:28,940 CHEERS AND WHISTLES 3 00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:32,660 O-o-oh... 4 00:00:32,660 --> 00:00:38,700 Hello, hello, hello, hello and welcome to the temple of QI on Mount Olympus, 5 00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:43,140 where four mighty heroes will confront the forces of ignorance 6 00:00:43,140 --> 00:00:45,660 in a show about Greeks and gods. 7 00:00:45,660 --> 00:00:50,100 Limbering up in the gymnasium of thought we have tonight 8 00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,700 a handsome Adonis in Clive Anderson. 9 00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:55,580 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:59,460 An Odysseus, Rich Hall! 11 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,220 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:04,860 --> 00:01:08,660 A legendary demi-God, Phill Jupitus. 13 00:01:08,660 --> 00:01:11,500 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:16,700 And our Achilles' heel, Alan Davies. 15 00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:19,180 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:25,620 Their buzzers are all Greece-y! Clive goes... 17 00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:28,820 STATELY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC 18 00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:33,420 You'll recognise that as the Greek national anthem. Rich goes... 19 00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:39,740 MUSIC: "Zorba The Greek" 20 00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:42,020 Phill goes... 21 00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:46,660 TRADITIONAL GREEK FOLK TUNE 22 00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:48,580 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:52,540 # Greased lightning Oh, greased lightning! # 24 00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:56,620 Now that we're "Greece-d up", here's my first question. 25 00:01:56,620 --> 00:02:02,860 You're a wealthy Athenian and you're invited to sponsor a battleship. How do you get out of it? 26 00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:06,620 Out of the ship? Out of the sponsor-ship. 27 00:02:06,620 --> 00:02:10,900 How do you get out of sponsoring this expensive business? I see. 28 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:14,580 If you were rich, did you...? Not if you were Rich. 29 00:02:14,580 --> 00:02:19,300 Have you ever funded the Greek navy? I've never funded the Greek navy. 30 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:24,580 But if history has taught us anything, it's that I should've. 31 00:02:24,580 --> 00:02:28,060 You puzzled yourself there, didn't you? Yeah. 32 00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,780 If you were rich, did you have to? 33 00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:36,660 There wasn't much taxation in Greece, but when it came to things like the ships, 34 00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:41,020 they made the richest Athenian citizens pay for it. 35 00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:46,060 You got an accountant to explain how to put your money in a rowing boat. 36 00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:49,140 Put it off-shore. Off-shore! Yes! 37 00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:55,740 The great thing about Greece was it was a true democracy in an extraordinary way. 38 00:02:55,740 --> 00:03:00,580 If your property was worth 70 times more than the average wage 39 00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:04,220 they said, "You have to pay for our navy." 40 00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:10,940 To challenge it, you had to find someone you thought was richer, and appear together in court. 41 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:16,900 You had to offer to swap all your property with the guy you thought was richer. 42 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:21,780 And the guy you thought... Bagsy swapsy with you, Stephen! 43 00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:24,060 So the Greek military tactics 44 00:03:24,060 --> 00:03:26,740 were based loosely on Swap Shop? 45 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:31,900 LAUGHTER Multi-Coloured Swapus Shopus. Yes. 46 00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:37,500 No, it's quite a clever idea. Sponsorship is Greek, then? 47 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:42,180 Well, not necessarily Greek. I guess people had sponsored things before. 48 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:46,780 But the "ship" bit of words...? The "ship"? Yeah. 49 00:03:46,780 --> 00:03:50,780 "Sponsorship". "Championship"? That's Germanic. Yeah. 50 00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:52,820 Just curious. 51 00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:55,940 You're very good on words. I like to check. 52 00:03:55,940 --> 00:04:00,380 There's the extraordinary thing of how the F became P. 53 00:04:00,380 --> 00:04:05,820 Pfennig became penny. Pfeffer became pepper. All the German Fs became Ps. 54 00:04:05,820 --> 00:04:11,100 It happened so much so in Arabic that all the Ps disappeared. 55 00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:14,300 They're all Fs. Sharip became Sharif. 56 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:16,460 One of the interesting byways... 57 00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:20,140 I use the word "interesting" obviously wrongly! 58 00:04:20,140 --> 00:04:22,700 LAUGHTER I am quite interested. 59 00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:25,140 This is just for ME! Thank you! 60 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:28,500 The brothers Grimm, we think of for fairytales, 61 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:31,580 invented the subject of linguistics 62 00:04:31,580 --> 00:04:34,780 and they traced the great fricative shift. 63 00:04:34,780 --> 00:04:39,060 CHUCKLING: Or the great "pricative" shift, you might say. 64 00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:41,580 How did we get here? LAUGHTER 65 00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:46,020 So, to summarise, if you're called upon to sponsor a ship, 66 00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:51,060 and you're rich, you had to, unless you could find a richer person. 67 00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:57,420 And you tested if they were richer than you by offering to swap your fortunes in court. 68 00:04:57,420 --> 00:05:03,660 You're spending the weekend with your grandmother. Which would she prefer? 69 00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:07,340 A Roman orgy or a Greek symposium? 70 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:12,380 Does this depend on the granny? It sort of does, but let's assume... 71 00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:17,380 Symposium is a fun thing. A symposium? It's a drinking thing. 72 00:05:17,380 --> 00:05:21,980 You're right. "Symposium", which is now used to mean a seminar... 73 00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:26,060 Yeah. ..people talking about intellectual things... 74 00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:29,900 Are you saying that "orgy" didn't mean anything to do with sex? 75 00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:33,740 It did mean a dinner party, but... It was also stuff for kids. 76 00:05:33,740 --> 00:05:39,100 You know, in an orgy. It wasn't just adults. No... Petting zoo... 77 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,420 LAUGHTER Anyway... 78 00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:48,260 The perhaps surprising thing is that a Roman orgy tended not to be a particularly wild sexual feast. 79 00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:53,180 It was more about the food, the extravagance of the display. 80 00:05:53,180 --> 00:05:59,100 Like Caligula, they were more famous for having solid gold food, and food like fish, 81 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:05,140 that was bright blue, so it looked as if it was still in the ocean - a food party. 82 00:06:05,140 --> 00:06:09,900 Did they really eat so much, you brought it up again? The vomitorium? 83 00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:14,540 Of course, a vomitorium is actually an exit from a theatre, 84 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,500 where the people are vomited out. 85 00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:21,300 Especially if you've just seen Mama Mia. 86 00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:26,540 I always expect to lose points when I say anything I THINK I know. 87 00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:31,140 They made themselves sick in order that they could carry on eating. 88 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:36,980 Did they really do that? People definitely did that in pubs when I was growing up. 89 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:41,780 Throw up in order to drink more? Go outside. Be sick on the pavement. 90 00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:46,340 Yeah. Shake the head, go straight back to the bar. 91 00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:49,940 The tactical chunder is very... LAUGHTER 92 00:06:49,940 --> 00:06:51,940 Totally. 93 00:06:51,940 --> 00:06:56,620 "I feel terrible. I'm going to have to have a tactical chunder!" 94 00:06:56,620 --> 00:07:01,100 Come back. "I'm fine now." That makes sense, I suppose. 95 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:04,220 12 quids' worth of bitter in the gutter! 96 00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:06,300 Rich is looking bemused. 97 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:09,900 No. I've seen it. I believe you. 98 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:14,540 I've tried to do it myself but it doesn't work the same. 99 00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:18,460 So it really depends on what your granny is into. 100 00:07:18,460 --> 00:07:22,780 The point is that orgies were not as debauched as symposia. 101 00:07:22,780 --> 00:07:27,140 What should you do if you see a Spartan with a new hairdo? 102 00:07:27,140 --> 00:07:31,980 There is one. Slightly Boris Johnson, but it's a start. 103 00:07:31,980 --> 00:07:36,340 Collar and cuffs aren't matching! LAUGHTER 104 00:07:36,340 --> 00:07:40,100 They're not, are they? A handily placed scabbard! 105 00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:44,660 The painter goes, "Just move that." 106 00:07:44,660 --> 00:07:48,820 Give him a wide berth? Do they have their hair cut before combat? 107 00:07:48,820 --> 00:07:54,060 I'm going to have to give you all those points. That is exactly right. 108 00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:56,700 APPLAUSE 109 00:07:56,700 --> 00:08:01,580 Before the battle of Thermopylae, the Persians made a mistake. 110 00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:05,300 One of their spies who'd gone to the Spartan camp 111 00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:10,780 said, "They're a load of nancy boys. I've seen them doing their hair." 112 00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:13,340 "You going anywhere?" "Into battle." 113 00:08:13,340 --> 00:08:18,420 "Who are you against? The Persians? They're a nasty lot! 114 00:08:18,420 --> 00:08:22,460 "Over at Thermopylae? Ooh! I wouldn't tell anybody." 115 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,500 What the Persians didn't know 116 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:29,020 was that when the Spartans did their hair they were prepared to die. 117 00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:32,300 They were preparing their bodies for mortal combat. 118 00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:38,820 Who's going to notice your haircut with your junk hanging out? 119 00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:41,260 Never heard it called "junk" before! 120 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:46,260 Put on some pants before you go into battle! 121 00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:50,020 Fighting pants. Yeah. Your best fighting pants. 122 00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:56,180 What do we know about the Spartans? They were good in that film, 300, very erotic, camp. 123 00:08:56,180 --> 00:09:03,020 It could have been camper because in historical fact, those 300 Spartans were accompanied by 700 Thespians. 124 00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:04,620 Really? 125 00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:07,460 "Let's do the show HERE!" LAUGHTER 126 00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:10,900 It Ain't Half Hot Mum. "Lovely boy! Lovely boy!" 127 00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:14,580 "A waste of space, what is you?" and all that. 128 00:09:14,580 --> 00:09:18,900 "La-di-da, Gunner Graham!" "La-di-da, Gunner Graham!" 129 00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:23,660 Was there stereotyping? "Those Spartans are like that." 130 00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:27,020 Or were they genuinely run on different lines? 131 00:09:27,020 --> 00:09:32,540 I think they were. As you know, the Spartans and Athenians went to war. 132 00:09:32,540 --> 00:09:36,220 Sadly for us who love classical civilisation, the Spartans won, 133 00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:42,700 who were the least interested art, harmony, music, mathematics, logic and politics. 134 00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:44,900 They were a war-like race. 135 00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:50,180 It's like as if the Klingons beat the Vulcans in Star Trek. Awful! 136 00:09:50,180 --> 00:09:54,260 It would be. That's what Star Trek is kind of based on. 137 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,260 Unthinkable, Stephen! 138 00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:59,340 I know. Can you imag such a thing? 139 00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:03,940 Or the Daleks. Yeah. Yeah. A warrior people. 140 00:10:03,940 --> 00:10:07,060 Or Britain beating France! Yes. 141 00:10:07,060 --> 00:10:13,100 Do you know the word "laconic"? I dunno. Is it from Star Trek? 142 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:17,460 Do you know what "laconic" means? RICH: I do. 143 00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:19,860 Kind of means... 144 00:10:19,860 --> 00:10:22,140 taking your time. 145 00:10:22,140 --> 00:10:25,420 Taking your time... Before you answer. 146 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:30,340 When the Peloponnesian War took place, 147 00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:33,740 the Athenians they sent a messenger to Sparta. 148 00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:40,740 "If we beat you, we will not spare your children. We will destroy your civilisation. We will spare no-one." 149 00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:43,620 The Spartans sent one word reply. 150 00:10:43,620 --> 00:10:46,620 Yeah. "Bovvered?" No. LAUGHTER 151 00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:49,860 Similar... APPLAUSE 152 00:10:51,140 --> 00:10:56,780 I hate to disagree with the audience, but it was better. 153 00:10:56,780 --> 00:11:01,180 It was simply the first word of the message. "If." Ah! 154 00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:05,940 "If." And that was the original laconic reply, the Spartan reply. 155 00:11:05,940 --> 00:11:09,700 "If we beat you..." "Yeah. If." 156 00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:14,020 If you see a Spartan with a new hairstyle run as fast as you can. 157 00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:20,580 According to Herodotus, the last thing a Spartan soldier did before a fight was get a new do. 158 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:24,060 What's the proper thing to wear to the gym? 159 00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:26,820 Oh, please! 160 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:31,460 Now, that's disturbing. Look at your tiny arms! 161 00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:34,900 It's rather weird, isn't it? 162 00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:37,700 LAUGHTER 163 00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:40,820 I remember that day! LAUGHTER 164 00:11:42,860 --> 00:11:46,660 Oh, we had fun that day! Didn't we just? 165 00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:49,100 I like to be left alone at the gym. > 166 00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:53,420 I wear Speedos and brown wing tips. Right. 167 00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:57,340 Not a stitch. The point is not a stitch. 168 00:11:57,340 --> 00:12:00,340 Gymnos is the Greek for "naked". 169 00:12:00,340 --> 00:12:03,940 That's what "gymnasium" means, "a naked place". 170 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:06,980 Now that's Britain's Got Talent! LAUGHTER 171 00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:10,380 In the Olympics, they ran naked, didn't they? Yes. 172 00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:13,180 Quite hard to be the high hurdle champion. 173 00:12:13,180 --> 00:12:18,740 Terrible if your tackle WAS the reason you didn't get the high jump. 174 00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:24,660 "Done a lovely job there. Oh, no. His knackers just caught the bar! 175 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:28,540 "Another man let down by his tackle!" 176 00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:31,900 What you're looking at there is a kynodesme, 177 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:37,780 a pouch in which your penis is held in an upright position and tied in a bow. 178 00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:41,220 For Christmas! LAUGHTER 179 00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:44,980 For what reason, doing sporting activities? 180 00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:46,980 So it didn't flap about, I guess. 181 00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:51,700 If your trainer wanted to get your attention, he'd pull the string! 182 00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:56,500 There are other things with the root "gymnos" meaning "naked". 183 00:12:56,500 --> 00:13:01,740 Gymnopedia, the dances performed by naked boys at public festivals. 184 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:05,460 LAUGHTER There is... 185 00:13:05,460 --> 00:13:10,300 To gymnologise is to debate whilst naked. 186 00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:16,500 Let's gymnologise! WHOOPING FROM AUDIENCE 187 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:19,980 After you, audience. LAUGHTER 188 00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:24,300 No, I didn't mean it! There we are. A lot of nudity in Greece. 189 00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:29,180 They began as places for the middle classes to train for battle. 190 00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:33,540 There they are. That's an affectionate form of wrestling! 191 00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:35,900 Mud wrestling. It's rather sweet. 192 00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:40,260 The one on the left... < Greco-Roman, but mostly Greco. 193 00:13:40,260 --> 00:13:43,740 There's a lot of that going on, obviously. 194 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:48,100 I presume they're playing a slowy. LAUGHTER 195 00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:51,300 The gymnasium... # Loving you 196 00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:54,220 # Is easy cos you're... # 197 00:13:54,220 --> 00:14:00,340 They became places of education, as Clive pointed out. The famous ones were the Academy and the Lyceum. 198 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:04,580 The Academy, where Plato taught, and from which we get "academy". 199 00:14:04,580 --> 00:14:09,980 It's a night club in the N1 Centre. It was named after a Greek hero. 200 00:14:09,980 --> 00:14:14,540 Academae. Lyceum is where the Joe Loss Band played. It was. 201 00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:18,820 The French lycee, meaning a school, is from the same root. 202 00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:24,220 So many common words come from things like that. Gymnasium is an academy. 203 00:14:24,220 --> 00:14:28,180 The Odeon was a cinema in Ancient Greece. It should be! 204 00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:32,260 Do you know what its origin is? I've no idea. 205 00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:34,540 Audience? < Oscar Deutsch. 206 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:39,300 Ten points! Oscar Deutsch, the founder. OD were his initials. 207 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:43,580 Odeon. Well done. Round of applause. APPLAUSE 208 00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:53,500 What happens in this game if someone in this audience wins? 209 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:58,300 They take their clothes off and parade all around here. 210 00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:05,300 So, to the Ancient Greeks, gymnasium was a place to get naked, though they liked to wear a bit of support. 211 00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:11,300 Name the event in which Baron de Coubertin won his Olympic medal. 212 00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:15,340 Who was Baron de Coubertin? The one who reinvented the Olympics? 213 00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:21,820 Yes, the father of the modern Olympic movement. An event that he was the only person who did it. 214 00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:26,180 So he could win it. To give him credit, he did it anonymously. 215 00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:29,540 That's why he's wearing a false moustache. 216 00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:32,380 How many events can you enter anonymously? 217 00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:34,940 Er...not many, I suppose. Exactly. 218 00:15:34,940 --> 00:15:39,700 So something when you're hidden. You don't need to be seen. 219 00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:44,780 A race between pantomime horses. He was the winning horse! 220 00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:49,380 It's not as absurd as it sounds. There were some really odd events. 221 00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:53,460 You're completely hidden? Well...? Tunnelling. 222 00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:55,860 Olympic tunnelling. 223 00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:59,740 You're thinking of physical things, aren't you? Ah. 224 00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:04,420 The Olympic Games was wider. Essay writing or poem composing. 225 00:16:04,420 --> 00:16:08,940 Poem is the answer. He won the gold medal for poetry. 226 00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:11,180 Shut up! 227 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,980 Oh! You think THAT's weird? 228 00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:18,780 All the way up to 1948 there was town planning in the Olympics. 229 00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:21,980 LAUGHTER Won by a Milton Keynes! 230 00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:27,820 Lost by Milton Keynes, you imagine. There were all kinds of artistic categories. 231 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,980 Sculpture, music, painting... 232 00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:34,620 Sculpture! "And look at him go! The young Greek! 233 00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:37,500 "The young Greek's mallet is flying!" 234 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:42,260 The oldest ever medal winner was a silver medal winner aged 73, 235 00:16:42,260 --> 00:16:45,860 in the 1948 engravings and etchings event. 236 00:16:45,860 --> 00:16:51,140 CLIVE: Fantastic! He was a Briton called John Copley. 237 00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:56,220 In 1900, a woman won possibly the oddest event, a farmer's wife. 238 00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:59,140 It was the poodle clipping event. 239 00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:06,140 She trimmed 17 poodles in two hours. She got a gold medal for it. I'm sure she did. 240 00:17:06,140 --> 00:17:11,100 17 in two hours! That's impressive even to me. 241 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:15,420 Do you know the reason they stopped doing the sculpture and painting? 242 00:17:15,420 --> 00:17:19,140 Something to do with the drugs and the sex testing. 243 00:17:19,140 --> 00:17:25,580 The reason they stopped was because they felt that it compromised the idea of amateurism. 244 00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:29,540 The artists were artists for the rest of the year. 245 00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:35,620 The other Olympians, those who threw javelins, held down other jobs. Moving on... 246 00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:39,900 Who knows what Olympic gold medals are made of? 247 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:45,460 Probably...partially... CLIVE: We've been on this programme! 248 00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:48,940 ALL SPEAK TOGETHER 249 00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:53,420 The surface, I would suggest... 250 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:56,260 LAUGHTER They're made of gold. 251 00:17:56,260 --> 00:17:58,300 Oh, bless you! 252 00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:01,060 KLAXON BLARES 253 00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:03,540 APPLAUSE 254 00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:07,020 I think they might have another one in there. 255 00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:09,060 Chocolate! Ah! 256 00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:12,100 KLAXON BLARES 257 00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:14,500 Thank you so much. APPLAUSE 258 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,260 How did you know? 259 00:18:17,260 --> 00:18:21,260 You put all that effort into training, win an Olympic gold medal, 260 00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:25,980 you think, "I can always melt that down as a pension" and it's not... 261 00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:30,860 It's still made of a precious metal. But it says gold! Must be gold. 262 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:36,060 There is a small amount of gold. It has to be at least 92.5% silver. 263 00:18:36,060 --> 00:18:41,820 I'm determined to get an Olympic gold medal and I get to sue them. 264 00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:45,940 The last ones made of gold were in 1912. You think bronze...? 265 00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:50,020 Should be made out of lead. Whoever's third...! 266 00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:51,980 LAUGHTER 267 00:18:51,980 --> 00:18:56,660 If they made them a bit smaller... They're not actual size, Clive! 268 00:18:56,660 --> 00:19:01,420 Have you seen them? They're huge medallions. If they made them tiny. 269 00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:06,780 Not as big as Jim'll Fix It. "Well done. You won the 100 metres." 270 00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:10,220 "Ooh, jewellery. Jewellery!" 271 00:19:10,220 --> 00:19:14,100 LAUGHTER So they're silver medals? 272 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:19,700 They're mostly silver with a small amount of gold, six grams of gold. 273 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:24,540 Imagine they were 18-carat gold. How much would each one cost? 274 00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:28,420 Ooh, 18-carats...? Six grams of 18-carat gold? 275 00:19:28,420 --> 00:19:33,060 No. Imagine the whole thing was still made of 18-carat gold. 276 00:19:33,060 --> 00:19:39,540 At the current rate or the rate that gold was sold off by the Prime Minister ten years ago? 277 00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:42,140 Oh, please. Not that! 278 00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:47,020 £5,000? Nearer, £3,000. Not bad. £3,000. 279 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:50,460 1.5 million over the course of the competition, 280 00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:55,180 which you might think worthwhile, considering how much they cost, 281 00:19:55,180 --> 00:20:02,100 the Olympic Games, 1.5 million is a small proportion to reward your medallists with real gold. 282 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:06,980 Why would you bite, panellistas, why would you bite a gold coin? 283 00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:12,220 To check it's real. What would it tell you? If it was...not real. 284 00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:17,420 Gold, you can bite right through. It's the same texture as chocolate. 285 00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:21,220 That's why they're often confused. LAUGHTER 286 00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:28,460 RICH: If it's malleable... Real gold should or should not leave a toothmark? 287 00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:30,980 Real. It would leave a toothmark. 288 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:34,700 A gold coin, like a sovereign. It should give. 289 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:37,820 There should be some give in a gold coin. 290 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,500 Ah. Oddly enough, I thought that. 291 00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:43,180 If you did, you'd slightly spoil it. 292 00:20:43,180 --> 00:20:46,860 That wouldn't matter, but it's the reverse. 293 00:20:46,860 --> 00:20:50,340 If it leaves a toothmark, it's false. 294 00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:55,700 Gold coins were always a mixture of other metals that hardened it. 295 00:20:55,700 --> 00:21:00,300 Fake ones used lead and they did leave an impress. 296 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,580 So you were testing to see that it wasn't lead. 297 00:21:03,580 --> 00:21:06,620 If it left a mark, it wasn't gold. 298 00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:09,300 And if you were eating lead, 299 00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:11,740 you would die. LAUGHTER 300 00:21:11,740 --> 00:21:15,900 You'd certainly be ill. There's no lead in pencils. 301 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:18,340 Very true. Well done. 302 00:21:18,340 --> 00:21:21,380 APPLAUSE 303 00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:28,420 I've been told that all the gold in the world could be put into this room, if it was compressed. 304 00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:35,980 Well...almost, probably. Only 161,000 tonnes of gold has ever been mined in all human history. 305 00:21:35,980 --> 00:21:40,580 The large proportion of that in the last 50 years. 306 00:21:40,580 --> 00:21:45,500 It wouldn't fill two Olympic size swimming pools, the amount of gold. 307 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:48,260 Nixon pulled the gold standard. For you. 308 00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:52,100 There's nothing to back the money any more. Yeah. 309 00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:56,740 This is why the island of Yap has the best standard of currency. 310 00:21:56,740 --> 00:22:02,500 They're huge... They're just big stones. They look like that, the QI. 311 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:09,060 Big stone. You put it on your frontyard. Everybody knows how much money you have. Brilliant. 312 00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:12,820 It takes, like, 20 people to mug you. 313 00:22:12,820 --> 00:22:16,420 LAUGHTER That's a good system. 314 00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:19,780 Coke machines are eight storeys high! 315 00:22:19,780 --> 00:22:22,420 Everything was perfect. 316 00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:26,820 They'd move the stones to the next frontyard. 317 00:22:26,820 --> 00:22:31,020 Then this Irish guy came in with counterfeit stones, 318 00:22:31,020 --> 00:22:33,620 you know, 20-feet high counterfeit. 319 00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:37,780 Ruined the economy. < Polystyrene stones? 320 00:22:37,780 --> 00:22:41,580 Where's the island of Yap? It's in Micronesia. 321 00:22:41,580 --> 00:22:45,860 How did you test whether it's a real stone or counterfeit? 322 00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:50,740 You had to bite it? If your teeth came out, it was a real stone? 323 00:22:50,740 --> 00:22:55,220 I'd love to see the bureau de change at the airport. 324 00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:59,780 Anyway, counterfeit gold coins were made with a high lead content. 325 00:22:59,780 --> 00:23:04,420 If your teeth made a mark in them, it was likely that they were fake. 326 00:23:04,420 --> 00:23:10,420 Which of you comes closest to a perfect ideal of a Greek body? 327 00:23:10,420 --> 00:23:15,740 Wow! Got to love that ball sack, Phill! 328 00:23:15,740 --> 00:23:19,100 Thanks. I shaved it myself. 329 00:23:21,140 --> 00:23:24,420 I think my helmet's too small for me. 330 00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:28,820 Oddly enough, Phill... As for that thing on my head! 331 00:23:28,820 --> 00:23:32,300 Seriously, Phill, I want you to show me your helmet. 332 00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:37,340 I happen to know Phill has got a helmet that you can show me. 333 00:23:40,220 --> 00:23:44,420 Wow! That is fan... Do you want to show the camera now? 334 00:23:44,420 --> 00:23:48,700 Look at that. He's got a helmet tattoo. 335 00:23:48,700 --> 00:23:50,940 That is a Greek helmet. 336 00:23:50,940 --> 00:23:53,180 Can you see that? 337 00:23:53,180 --> 00:23:56,580 Rather fine. You've got a Greek helmet tattoo. 338 00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:58,860 By one of those weird coincidences, 339 00:23:58,860 --> 00:24:02,620 the wrist is at the heart of this question, bizarrely. 340 00:24:02,620 --> 00:24:07,620 We're talking about the Greek ideal. We all think of a "Greek god"! 341 00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:12,340 But what is a Greek ideal? It seems it's all based on the wrist. 342 00:24:12,340 --> 00:24:19,180 You gave us your wrist measurements so we worked out, according to this Greek proportion ideal. 343 00:24:19,180 --> 00:24:23,820 Phill, you've got a wrist of eight inches, the longest of anyone. 344 00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:28,060 There is a thing about wrists that I won't go into. 345 00:24:28,060 --> 00:24:32,860 Anyway, yours is an eight-inch wrist. Say that again! 346 00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:37,660 You've only got a 23-inch thigh. Your thighs are too small. 347 00:24:37,660 --> 00:24:41,100 My thighs are fabulous! I know they're fabulous! 348 00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:46,020 Your neck is perfect. 19 inches, exactly what it should be. 349 00:24:46,020 --> 00:24:49,180 It should be twice the circumference of your wrist. 350 00:24:49,180 --> 00:24:53,620 The rest of you, Rich, Alan and Clive, have seven-inch wrists. 351 00:24:53,620 --> 00:24:56,940 You should have a 17-inch bicep as well. 352 00:24:56,940 --> 00:25:00,140 Yours is 12 and a half, Alan. LAUGHTER 353 00:25:00,140 --> 00:25:04,780 Actually, the one closest to a Greek ideal is Clive Anderson. 354 00:25:04,780 --> 00:25:08,260 Thank you very much. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 355 00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:14,260 The only one with one of your lineaments being perfectly Greek 356 00:25:14,260 --> 00:25:18,180 is Phill, who has a perfect Greek neck. 357 00:25:18,180 --> 00:25:25,660 I feel that the reputation of the Greeks has gone down in the course of this programme! 358 00:25:25,660 --> 00:25:29,940 It shows that their ideal was rather butcher, more solid. 359 00:25:29,940 --> 00:25:31,980 A big fat old neck! 360 00:25:31,980 --> 00:25:37,980 Maybe. There was a man called Eugene Sandow - I don't know how he pronounced it. 361 00:25:37,980 --> 00:25:41,580 There he is, the first of the famous bodybuilders. 362 00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:46,180 We had, obviously, Charles Atlas and Arnold Schwarzenegger. 363 00:25:46,180 --> 00:25:49,460 He had a very nasty accident earlier in life. 364 00:25:49,460 --> 00:25:53,940 Five seconds after that picture was taken, trying to lift that column. 365 00:25:53,940 --> 00:25:58,740 He has got a damn good physique for someone of that period, 366 00:25:58,740 --> 00:26:02,860 before protein whey powders and anabolic steroids. 367 00:26:02,860 --> 00:26:09,300 He, with Monsieur Attila from France, kind of invented the modern bodybuilding cult. 368 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:13,260 He used to have great displays in London... As it were! 369 00:26:13,260 --> 00:26:18,060 Women were invited to touch him and they had smelling salts on hand 370 00:26:18,060 --> 00:26:22,780 cos they would faint - they'd never touched people with those muscles. 371 00:26:22,780 --> 00:26:28,940 It was really quite remarkable in the age, cos it simply had never been witnessed. 372 00:26:28,940 --> 00:26:34,380 He was the first one with a scientific approach towards building muscles. 373 00:26:34,380 --> 00:26:40,060 His name was Sandow, or Sandov, and he had a r-r-ripped body! Excellent. 374 00:26:40,060 --> 00:26:45,380 With your wrist size, you can work out your Grecian ideal used by bodybuilders. 375 00:26:45,380 --> 00:26:48,180 Now, what does this formula prove? 376 00:26:48,180 --> 00:26:50,220 Oh, I know this! 377 00:26:50,220 --> 00:26:52,340 LAUGHTER 378 00:26:52,340 --> 00:26:56,380 Lots of Greek lettering on it. Yes, um... 379 00:26:56,380 --> 00:27:02,860 It's an ontological proof, a proof by reason alone of something reason alone cannot prove. Proof of God. 380 00:27:02,860 --> 00:27:06,660 Yes! Very good. Points. I thought I recognised it! 381 00:27:06,660 --> 00:27:09,060 APPLAUSE 382 00:27:13,620 --> 00:27:18,940 The proof was made by one of the great logicians of the 20th century. 383 00:27:18,940 --> 00:27:23,460 Died starving himself to death, sadly. Friend of Einstein's. 384 00:27:23,460 --> 00:27:30,580 Einstein said he only ever went to work because he enjoyed the walk back so much with this man. 385 00:27:30,580 --> 00:27:34,500 Marvellous multicoloured hair. Godel, his name was. 386 00:27:34,500 --> 00:27:39,140 He didn't publish it. He didn't want people to think he believed in God. 387 00:27:39,140 --> 00:27:43,700 He was merely demonstrating how symbolic logic can be used. 388 00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:47,740 I was in a film with people who played Einstein and Godel. 389 00:27:47,740 --> 00:27:51,980 Lou Jacobi played Godel. Remember that film? IQ. Yeah. 390 00:27:51,980 --> 00:27:54,740 RICH: With Walter Matthau? Yeah. 391 00:27:54,740 --> 00:27:59,140 Told you how to gamble, didn't he, betting on the horses? Yeah. 392 00:27:59,140 --> 00:28:01,660 He was a swine, Walter. Great man! 393 00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:05,820 Shoulders like this, as if he still had a coathanger in. 394 00:28:05,820 --> 00:28:08,260 He used to... Hold my hand. 395 00:28:08,260 --> 00:28:12,220 I'd be in the make-up thing and he'd go, "Let go of my hand!" 396 00:28:12,220 --> 00:28:16,780 "Will you let go of my hand? Jesus Christ!" 397 00:28:16,780 --> 00:28:19,340 He used to tell me horses to bet on. 398 00:28:19,340 --> 00:28:22,980 I'd go, "I've lost 50 on the Saratoga." 399 00:28:22,980 --> 00:28:28,100 He said, "You bet on that? Why?" I said, "You told me to." "You idiot!" 400 00:28:28,100 --> 00:28:31,460 He'd say, "This horse, you've got to bet on." 401 00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:36,140 I'd say, "Well, I lost 100 this time." He said, "You fool!" 402 00:28:36,140 --> 00:28:39,060 LAUGHTER Anyway, terrific. 403 00:28:39,060 --> 00:28:41,980 Why did he starve himself to death? 404 00:28:41,980 --> 00:28:44,340 I have a formula right here. 405 00:28:44,340 --> 00:28:47,340 B + L + T... 406 00:28:47,340 --> 00:28:49,380 LAUGHTER 407 00:28:49,380 --> 00:28:53,260 ..means that you don't starve to death. Yay! 408 00:28:53,260 --> 00:28:57,780 APPLAUSE If only he had known that! 409 00:28:57,780 --> 00:29:03,420 Proof of a sandwich. The sad reason was because he was slightly loopy. 410 00:29:03,420 --> 00:29:06,580 He had paranoid fantasies of being poisoned. 411 00:29:06,580 --> 00:29:13,900 The only person he trusted to taste his food was his wife who was in hospital, so he didn't eat. 412 00:29:13,900 --> 00:29:17,700 Cos she was eating all this poison over the years. 413 00:29:17,700 --> 00:29:24,220 Kurt Godel used modal logic to prove that God exists, though he wasn't convinced by the conclusion. 414 00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:30,020 That's human life, but how could sewage be used to create alien life? 415 00:29:30,020 --> 00:29:33,820 CLIVE: Ooh, sewage? To create alien life? 416 00:29:33,820 --> 00:29:40,140 Yeah. Sewage from another planet arriving here? Yes, or our sewage. 417 00:29:40,140 --> 00:29:44,500 Our astronauts jettisoned their doings into space. Yes. 418 00:29:44,500 --> 00:29:50,620 There is an enormous amount of human poop, now, in the solar system, orbiting the Earth. 419 00:29:50,620 --> 00:29:54,060 There's a film of human faeces on most space junk. 420 00:29:54,060 --> 00:29:58,220 They don't bring it back in a plastic bag, like with a dog? 421 00:29:58,220 --> 00:30:01,580 They may do occasionally, but a lot is simply jettisoned. 422 00:30:01,580 --> 00:30:06,220 Just inconsiderate. Arthur C Clarke had a theory, Toilets Of The Gods. 423 00:30:06,220 --> 00:30:11,620 An article he wrote suggested that maybe our lifeform, as you suggest, 424 00:30:11,620 --> 00:30:17,540 was descended from poo from another civilisation. We're descended from poo? 425 00:30:17,540 --> 00:30:23,220 "We may have arisen from dumped sewage." This is Arthur C Crap's opinion? 426 00:30:23,220 --> 00:30:29,820 His idea came when scientists looked at junk in Earth's orbit, much of which was covered in faecal matter, 427 00:30:29,820 --> 00:30:32,300 due to astronauts' sloppy sanitation. 428 00:30:32,300 --> 00:30:35,940 You now have space debris lawyers. Do you? 429 00:30:35,940 --> 00:30:40,500 Yeah. They specialise in space junk. Why do you think they'd be needed? 430 00:30:40,500 --> 00:30:43,980 In case someone's junk hits someone else's junk? Yeah. 431 00:30:43,980 --> 00:30:47,140 You put up a 300 million satellite. 432 00:30:47,140 --> 00:30:51,260 If a small amount of junk hits it, it can absolutely destroy it. 433 00:30:51,260 --> 00:30:54,900 Neil Armstrong's number two from 1969! Exactly! 434 00:30:54,900 --> 00:31:00,140 The reason they keep going up to the Hubble is to wipe off the lens? 435 00:31:00,140 --> 00:31:03,860 That may be the case. They're not telling us. 436 00:31:03,860 --> 00:31:09,020 Did they spend millions of pounds to go with a squeegee and go...? 437 00:31:09,020 --> 00:31:14,220 I think... Why not leave a bloke up there with some Wet Wipes? 438 00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:18,340 Cos he'd be producing more rubbish. He taps on your window. 439 00:31:18,340 --> 00:31:21,340 Pound. LAUGHTER 440 00:31:21,340 --> 00:31:25,900 "I didn't ask you to do it so I'm not giving you any money!" 441 00:31:25,900 --> 00:31:30,260 People who put the wipers on to try and stop. 442 00:31:30,260 --> 00:31:36,740 These space lawyers are like ambulance chasers, only they have rockets to take them up there? 443 00:31:36,740 --> 00:31:38,620 No, not really. 444 00:31:38,620 --> 00:31:40,660 LAUGHTER 445 00:31:40,660 --> 00:31:44,260 It's an extraordinary thought. Reasonably extraordinary. 446 00:31:44,260 --> 00:31:47,180 Extraordinary enough for our purposes. 447 00:31:47,180 --> 00:31:51,900 We call ourselves Quite Interesting, not Astonishing. Good. 448 00:31:51,900 --> 00:31:55,340 Human waste could be the start of life on other planets. 449 00:31:55,340 --> 00:31:59,380 Arthur C Clarke suggested we could have developed from alien sewage. 450 00:31:59,380 --> 00:32:03,340 Brace yourselves as we rashly prise open the Pandora's Box 451 00:32:03,340 --> 00:32:07,340 of General Ignorance, so fingers please on buttons. 452 00:32:07,340 --> 00:32:10,860 You've just seen a meteorite crash down on Earth. 453 00:32:10,860 --> 00:32:14,260 Why should you not touch it with your bare hands? 454 00:32:14,260 --> 00:32:17,740 # Why, it's greased lightning! # 455 00:32:17,740 --> 00:32:19,500 Too hot? 456 00:32:19,500 --> 00:32:22,860 N-n-no! Not too hot. 457 00:32:22,860 --> 00:32:25,980 KLAXON BLARES 458 00:32:25,980 --> 00:32:28,660 Too cold. Too cold. Oddly enough. 459 00:32:28,660 --> 00:32:33,340 It's minus 240 to 270 Celsius when it's in space. 460 00:32:33,340 --> 00:32:37,100 Even though it heats up going through the atmosphere, 461 00:32:37,100 --> 00:32:41,300 it's still inside and outside cold, so you might get frostbite. 462 00:32:41,300 --> 00:32:46,300 Like a baked Alaska? No. It's really cold inside AND outside. 463 00:32:46,300 --> 00:32:51,020 All those poos in space are all frozen solid. They would be. Yes. 464 00:32:51,020 --> 00:32:55,020 Horrible thought. Quite a clang. Ooh, there they are! 465 00:32:55,020 --> 00:32:56,980 LAUGHTER 466 00:32:56,980 --> 00:33:00,900 Around 50,000 meteorites larger than 20 grams 467 00:33:00,900 --> 00:33:06,180 fall from space to Earth every year. 50,000! It's quite a lot. 468 00:33:06,180 --> 00:33:09,300 Most of them are lost...? At sea. At sea. 469 00:33:09,300 --> 00:33:14,420 More have been found on which continent than any other? Australia. 470 00:33:14,420 --> 00:33:16,700 No. Antarctica. Antarctica. 471 00:33:16,700 --> 00:33:20,780 They're attracted by the cold, homing instinct. 472 00:33:20,780 --> 00:33:23,220 Bit tough on the penguins. 473 00:33:23,220 --> 00:33:28,540 How many deaths have been recorded by meteorites? Ask the penguins! 474 00:33:28,540 --> 00:33:33,060 That's why they stand up. Less of a surface area. 475 00:33:33,060 --> 00:33:37,100 "Don't touch that. It's freezing." "Don't be ridiculous." 476 00:33:37,100 --> 00:33:41,580 None reported. A dog was reportedly killed by one in Egypt in 1911. 477 00:33:41,580 --> 00:33:45,780 No humans. A boy was hit but not seriously injured in Uganda in '92. 478 00:33:45,780 --> 00:33:52,380 Hit by a meteorite from space that's freezing cold, and not seriously injured? What are they made of? 479 00:33:52,380 --> 00:33:56,300 "Oh, it killed the dog." That's a back-lit meteorite. 480 00:33:56,300 --> 00:33:58,900 They've got holes in, as you see. 481 00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:02,500 That poor person is welded to it by the cold. 482 00:34:02,500 --> 00:34:04,740 It's been allowed to chambre. 483 00:34:04,740 --> 00:34:09,580 It's now equalised its temperature with Earth. A chambred meteorite! 484 00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:12,380 Best served at room temperature. 485 00:34:12,380 --> 00:34:16,900 Always serve your meteorite at room temperature. I think so. 486 00:34:16,900 --> 00:34:22,900 Anyway, what happens the instant you get sucked into a vacuum? You die! 487 00:34:22,900 --> 00:34:26,500 LAUGHTER # Why, it's greased lightning! 488 00:34:26,500 --> 00:34:30,140 You die instantly from asphyxiation. KLAXON BLARES 489 00:34:30,140 --> 00:34:32,660 Oh, Alan. 490 00:34:32,660 --> 00:34:37,020 If a human being were to be inside a vacuum you wouldn't die instantly. 491 00:34:37,020 --> 00:34:39,180 You wouldn't last long. 492 00:34:39,180 --> 00:34:44,140 It wouldn't be any worse than being in Belgium or Watford? 493 00:34:44,140 --> 00:34:48,140 CLIVE: How long do we get in this vacuum? 494 00:34:48,140 --> 00:34:51,500 Depends how much air you'd breathed in before. 495 00:34:51,500 --> 00:34:56,500 I'm basing an answer on something in a science fiction film! You exhale. 496 00:34:56,500 --> 00:35:00,940 Yes. You shouldn't hold your breath. Are we talking seconds, minutes? 497 00:35:00,940 --> 00:35:04,700 Hours? Minutes. You can't survive hours without air. 498 00:35:04,700 --> 00:35:11,780 Gas escaping from your body would make you simultaneously defecate, projectile vomit and urinate. 499 00:35:11,780 --> 00:35:17,780 Just like an astronaut! I bet they've done it with small mammals in labs. 500 00:35:17,780 --> 00:35:19,900 I fear they probably have... 501 00:35:19,900 --> 00:35:24,140 "Let's put a cat in there!" I'm afraid that's how we know. 502 00:35:24,140 --> 00:35:28,020 Experiments with animals... "Brilliant!" 503 00:35:28,020 --> 00:35:32,780 You can survive with no long-term problems for a couple of minutes. 504 00:35:32,780 --> 00:35:35,460 What would you do with that time? 505 00:35:35,460 --> 00:35:41,700 The first sensation is the moisture in your tongue boiling. Loss of taste may continue for days. 506 00:35:41,700 --> 00:35:44,820 They have had accidents involving humans. 507 00:35:44,820 --> 00:35:47,260 Like having a very strong curry? 508 00:35:47,260 --> 00:35:50,300 Tongue boils then all your innards fall out. 509 00:35:50,300 --> 00:35:52,700 Very similar to a vindaloo. 510 00:35:54,180 --> 00:35:57,500 A vacuum-loo. Yeah. It's pretty unpleasant. 511 00:35:57,500 --> 00:36:00,220 Avoid it, if you see one of those. 512 00:36:00,220 --> 00:36:03,140 Avoid it! What an idiot he was! 513 00:36:03,140 --> 00:36:06,380 LAUGHTER Bless. 514 00:36:06,380 --> 00:36:12,900 Experiments and accidents have shown that people can survive in a vacuum for a couple of minutes. 515 00:36:12,900 --> 00:36:16,780 Which country has weekly news broadcasts in Latin? 516 00:36:16,780 --> 00:36:20,420 Nuntii Latini. Vatican City would, surely, have... 517 00:36:20,420 --> 00:36:23,420 Vatican City, eh? Yes. KLAXON BLARES 518 00:36:23,420 --> 00:36:25,780 It's going well tonight. 519 00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:30,980 Do we? No, we don't. Channel 5 do them in pig Latin for a laugh. 520 00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:33,580 Ow-nay, the eadlines-hay. 521 00:36:33,580 --> 00:36:37,740 Oday-tay, the ime minister-pray... LAUGHTER 522 00:36:37,740 --> 00:36:43,740 A five-minute Latin news bulletin once a week at 1.55 in the afternoon every Friday. 523 00:36:43,740 --> 00:36:47,420 On local radio in Helsinki... Finland! Thank you. 524 00:36:47,420 --> 00:36:50,340 Yes, Finland. Why do they do that? 525 00:36:50,340 --> 00:36:53,900 I thought they were broadcasting into space, 526 00:36:53,900 --> 00:36:58,100 in case aliens are going, "Hang on a minute. That sounds familiar." 527 00:36:58,100 --> 00:37:03,940 Latin aliens! "We stopped speaking that years ago when we left that god-awful planet." 528 00:37:03,940 --> 00:37:06,820 Is it educational? Not particularly. 529 00:37:06,820 --> 00:37:11,180 Radio Bremen in Germany carries four minutes of news per month in Latin. 530 00:37:11,180 --> 00:37:14,420 They're the only two, as far as we know. 531 00:37:14,420 --> 00:37:18,700 More people outside Finland understand Latin than Finnish. 532 00:37:18,700 --> 00:37:21,580 That's their reason, which doesn't make much sense. 533 00:37:21,580 --> 00:37:27,620 A Finnish musician, Jukka Ammondt, has recorded several albums in Latin including Elvis covers. 534 00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:31,820 What is Nunc Hic Aut Nunquam? 535 00:37:31,820 --> 00:37:35,220 Are You Lonesome Tonight? No. 536 00:37:35,220 --> 00:37:39,420 # Nunc hic aut nunquam # RICH: It's Now Or Never. 537 00:37:39,420 --> 00:37:41,620 Cor Ligneum? 538 00:37:41,620 --> 00:37:44,900 Jailhouse Rock. LAUGHTER 539 00:37:44,900 --> 00:37:48,900 Wooden Heart. Thank you. Wooden heart. Very good. 540 00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:52,860 And Tenere Me Ama. Tender. Love Me Tender. 541 00:37:52,860 --> 00:37:55,300 Love Me Tender. There you are. 542 00:37:55,300 --> 00:37:59,700 I wasn't demanding that you love me tender, Rich. 543 00:37:59,700 --> 00:38:04,820 Stand down, Rich. You can be as rough as you like! 544 00:38:04,820 --> 00:38:07,220 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 545 00:38:07,220 --> 00:38:09,380 Excellent. 546 00:38:10,380 --> 00:38:14,580 You and me are gonna have a symposium! 547 00:38:16,220 --> 00:38:22,420 Excellent. Finland has a radio station that broadcasts in Latin, as does Bremen. 548 00:38:22,420 --> 00:38:27,100 What are you most likely to see thrown at the end of a Greek meal? 549 00:38:27,100 --> 00:38:29,340 Plates. Oh! 550 00:38:29,340 --> 00:38:32,220 KLAXON BLARES 551 00:38:32,220 --> 00:38:39,420 Come on! They don't throw the plates any more? No, they don't, for health and safety reasons. 552 00:38:39,420 --> 00:38:46,340 I can't remember where, but there were two restaurants, one did plate throwing, one didn't. Camden. 553 00:38:46,340 --> 00:38:50,980 It was the main choice you made of an evening, plate throwing or not? 554 00:38:50,980 --> 00:38:56,940 You sit in the quiet one and about half ten you could hear them kick off. 555 00:38:56,940 --> 00:39:03,980 For the Greek plate constructing industry, fantastic! Get through a new set every night. 556 00:39:03,980 --> 00:39:08,660 They're mainly seconds. I think you're right. Not the best. 557 00:39:08,660 --> 00:39:12,260 Unfortunately, it tends to be... CLIVE: Rice. 558 00:39:12,260 --> 00:39:17,340 Something soft so that it can't hurt, you can't be sued. Women. 559 00:39:17,340 --> 00:39:19,980 LAUGHTER 560 00:39:19,980 --> 00:39:23,900 I don't know where to begin with that one! 561 00:39:23,900 --> 00:39:28,460 Not the best women, obviously. The seconds. 562 00:39:28,460 --> 00:39:31,700 Bless you. Heaven bless this child. 563 00:39:35,420 --> 00:39:39,340 Women come from miles to be thrown around a restaurant. 564 00:39:39,340 --> 00:39:44,060 Even the women were smashed. Is it confetti or rice...? Flowers. 565 00:39:44,060 --> 00:39:48,620 Flowers. Well done, Phill. I bet the old Greek men hate that. 566 00:39:48,620 --> 00:39:55,380 There's pub near me, when Greece won the European Championship, a blue plaque appeared on the wall, 567 00:39:55,380 --> 00:40:00,820 homemade, but looked like a proper blue plaque they have in London. 568 00:40:00,820 --> 00:40:05,540 It said, "In 2004, when Greece won the European Championship..." 569 00:40:05,540 --> 00:40:08,940 Then there's a Greek name, Angelos or something. 570 00:40:08,940 --> 00:40:12,860 "..ran naked down the New North Road." Fabulous! 571 00:40:12,860 --> 00:40:17,460 Returning to traditions of Ancient Greece! Completes our circle! 572 00:40:17,460 --> 00:40:21,660 Gymnossed down the New North Road. That's very pleasing. 573 00:40:21,660 --> 00:40:25,940 Very pleased about that. So, due to health and safety gone MAD 574 00:40:25,940 --> 00:40:32,820 restaurants in Greece require a licence to throw plates, so you see flowers thrown, they make less mess. 575 00:40:32,820 --> 00:40:35,420 Now, talking of mess, the scores. 576 00:40:35,420 --> 00:40:38,700 But we should do this the Athenian way. 577 00:40:40,540 --> 00:40:44,780 LAUGHTER We should offer Alan the chance... 578 00:40:44,780 --> 00:40:49,900 I can say that Alan is coming last. It's one of my best features. 579 00:40:49,900 --> 00:40:52,740 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 580 00:41:00,020 --> 00:41:03,820 You mean when you're bringing up the rear? 581 00:41:03,820 --> 00:41:07,220 Very Greek! Who would you like to swap with? 582 00:41:11,180 --> 00:41:15,820 The audience. That's very good. LAUGHTER 583 00:41:15,820 --> 00:41:19,820 The audience are doing rather well. They haven't had any forfeits. 584 00:41:19,820 --> 00:41:27,660 I'll allow you to swap if you will tell me what it was that got the audience their ten points. 585 00:41:27,660 --> 00:41:29,900 Now, no help! 586 00:41:29,900 --> 00:41:32,460 Argh! Of course you do. 587 00:41:32,460 --> 00:41:36,420 Oh, it was the thing about the... No. 588 00:41:36,420 --> 00:41:37,940 LAUGHTER 589 00:41:37,940 --> 00:41:41,700 Oh, I'm going to be really upset tonight. 590 00:41:41,700 --> 00:41:43,540 LAUGHTER 591 00:41:44,980 --> 00:41:48,860 As soon as he tells me I'm going to be really... Five, four... 592 00:41:48,860 --> 00:41:52,660 ALAN MIMICS COUNTDOWN CLOCK ..three, two, one, zero. 593 00:41:52,660 --> 00:41:55,260 Audience shout it out. One, two, three. 594 00:41:55,260 --> 00:41:58,060 ALL: Oscar Deutsch. 595 00:41:58,060 --> 00:42:02,500 In first place with a gold medal made in 92.5% silver, Clive Anderson with three points. 596 00:42:02,500 --> 00:42:04,500 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 597 00:42:07,660 --> 00:42:10,820 In second place with two points, Rich Hall. 598 00:42:10,820 --> 00:42:12,860 APPLAUSE 599 00:42:15,900 --> 00:42:19,900 In third place with minus five, Phill Jupitus. 600 00:42:19,900 --> 00:42:21,940 APPLAUSE 601 00:42:23,740 --> 00:42:28,900 CHUCKLING: In fourth place, oh dear, with minus 47, Alan Davies. 602 00:42:28,900 --> 00:42:31,260 WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE 603 00:42:37,300 --> 00:42:41,220 It's good night from QI, from Phill, Rich, Clive, Alan and me. 604 00:42:41,220 --> 00:42:48,420 Finally, there's a story of a Greek and an Italian having an argument over who had the superior culture. 605 00:42:48,420 --> 00:42:51,500 The Greek said proudly, "We have the Parthenon." 606 00:42:51,500 --> 00:42:55,060 The Italian counters with, "We have the Colosseum." 607 00:42:55,060 --> 00:42:58,820 The Greek retorts, "We gave birth to advanced mathematics." 608 00:42:58,820 --> 00:43:01,980 "Yes," says the Italian. "But we built the Roman Empire." 609 00:43:01,980 --> 00:43:06,220 The Greek comes up with a clincher. "We invented sex," he says. 610 00:43:06,220 --> 00:43:11,340 The Italian replies, "But we thought of having it with women." Good night. 611 00:43:11,340 --> 00:43:13,540 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 612 00:43:32,020 --> 00:43:34,060 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd