1 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,040 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:36,040 Goo-oo-oo-ood evening! 3 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:39,720 And welcome to tonight's QI. 4 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:44,480 Tonight we have a higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge of things beginning with H. 5 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:47,080 Joining me tonight are the humongous Phill Jupitus... 6 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:48,640 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 7 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,640 The hyperbolic Ross Noble... 8 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,200 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 9 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,480 The hygienic Jack Dee... 10 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,040 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 11 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,640 And ho-hum, it's Alan Davies. 12 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,200 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 13 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:21,680 So, any time you want to say "Hi", give me a bell. And Jack goes... 14 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,200 CHURCH BELL TOLLS 15 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:25,760 And Phill goes... 16 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,080 BICYCLE BELL TINGS 17 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,240 And Ross goes... 18 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,360 CLOSE HARMONY: Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding 19 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,480 Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a ring-ring-ring ring-a-ding! 20 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,320 Thank you. And Alan goes... 21 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,320 "GENERAL IGNORANCE" KLAXON 22 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:39,960 LAUGHTER 23 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:47,080 I'm sorry. I'm so, so not sorry. 24 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,720 So. Let's give this pudding a stir, gentlemen. 25 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:54,760 Why do bankers like long-haired men... 26 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,920 ROSS: Ooh, hello. 27 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,600 Is there any need for that? Really. 28 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:04,560 I mean, come on. And the scariest thing is, I'm wearing the same shirt. 29 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,080 You are! 30 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,760 That is appalling, isn't it? 31 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,000 I've got to hand it to you, Ross, you've got lovely legs. 32 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,240 - ALAN: - Oh, I've only just noticed you... 33 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,920 LAUGHTER 34 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:23,920 The full question is why do bankers like long-haired men and short-skirted women? 35 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:25,320 BICYCLE BELL TINGS 36 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:26,840 Bi-curious. 37 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,400 LAUGHTER 38 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:33,600 Is it like when you're in the bank, and you sort of like, lean forward 39 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:39,160 and the hair just brushes off all the little receipt stubs, like that? 40 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,960 LAUGHTER 41 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:45,320 And the bankers are sat there going, "Brilliant. I don't have to go around and clean that up." 42 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,120 It's like a sort of a reverse hoover. 43 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,440 Right, OK. Fair enough. 44 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,720 What do financiers look for? When are they happiest? 45 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,480 When they're rolling in money! 46 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,800 Yes, and when do they earn more money? 47 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:57,960 In the summer? 48 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,640 - LAUGHTER - No... 49 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,160 - In the sixties. - LAUGHTER 50 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:03,280 Yes! 51 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,720 What's the word for a period of prosperity? 52 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:08,800 - Boom. - As opposed to a bust or a recession. 53 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:13,920 Now, it just so happens that throughout the 20th century, the length of 54 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:17,520 women's skirts in fashion was exactly correlated 55 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:22,520 to the rise and fall of the stock market. 56 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,720 Skirts got shorter and shorter, right up to the Wall Street Crash, 57 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:32,880 the flapper skirts, and then instantly skirt lengths got longer again during the Depression. 58 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,120 And the long hair is... Correspondingly, long hair means a boom? 59 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,280 Yes, it's a negative correlation. 60 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,400 The further down the hair, the further UP the market. 61 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:47,400 Anyway, it seems that according to hemline theory, girls' hemlines 62 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:53,320 go up as the market goes up, and so when a banker looks at a girl's legs his mind is strictly on business. 63 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:59,360 Now, what starts with H and means that you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride? 64 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,960 BICYCLE BELL TINGS 65 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,440 - Phill Jupitus. - Hepatitis C. 66 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,880 LAUGHTER 67 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,400 APPLAUSE 68 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,440 Oh...! 69 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,800 Oddly enough, you're surprisingly close... 70 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,280 BICYCLE BELL TINGS 71 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:19,520 Herpes. 72 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,760 LAUGHTER 73 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,280 You got the right first and last letter. 74 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,080 - Halitosis? - Halitosis is the right answer. - Is it right? 75 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,320 I could have got the laugh in the first place. 76 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:30,760 LAUGHTER 77 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,680 Halitosis was made up. It was made up by... 78 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:37,280 - Listerine. - By the company that made Listerine, Lambert Pharmacal. 79 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:41,560 And they had this product that they named after Joseph Lister, 80 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:45,520 the father of antiseptic surgery, who made everybody wash everything. 81 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,800 And they used it first of all as an antiseptic, and then - 82 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:52,240 without changing the formula - it was for washing floors, 83 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,880 and then it was a cure for gonorrhoea... 84 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,840 and then they thought, "We'll call it a mouthwash." 85 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,600 The same thing! 86 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,320 Was there a point where that...was combined? 87 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:05,680 It was like a gonorrhoea thing - "Actually, my mouth's quite... 88 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,760 "Oh, me halitosis has gone, then." LAUGHTER 89 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,080 They invented essentially this new product. 90 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,200 Mouthwash had never existed before, there'd never been a need for it. 91 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,320 And so they had to invent a problem for it to solve. 92 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,120 And they started this campaign, 93 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:21,680 saying, you know, "Hotel clerks say that 94 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,880 "one in three guests who checks in have halitosis," 95 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:28,480 and dentists saying, "83% of patients have halitosis," 96 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,440 and people began to get very nervous about their breath. 97 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,680 Of course, people have dog breath, let's be honest. 98 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,520 And dogs, I dare say, have people breath. 99 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,840 - How can you tell someone? - It's so difficult. 100 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,800 That was part of... That was one of their campaigns, actually. 101 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,920 That's why packets of mints were invented. 102 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,040 If someone's offering me a mint, that's definitely... 103 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,320 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:55,320 It's true. These were the kind of things they used as advertising slogans. 105 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,520 They went from a tiny company to a vast one. 106 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:01,080 By inventing a name for something that was quite... 107 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,160 Kind of calling it a disease, and people thought, 108 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,680 "I've got halitosis, and this is a medical product that will deal with it." 109 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:12,640 And no-one before... People had probably eaten things to sweeten their breath before, 110 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,080 but er... 111 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,480 I had a picture taken once with a koala... 112 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,200 LAUGHTER 113 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,400 You could just leave that there. 114 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,440 LAUGHTER 115 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,560 It was eating eucalyptus leaves, like they do, which are poisonous, 116 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,760 but they've got a 48-mile intestine or something and they can digest it. 117 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,880 But its breath was amazing. 118 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,040 - It's sweet. It's lovely, isn't it? - It was pure eucalyptus. 119 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,880 And even their fur smells lovely. It is gorgeous. 120 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,280 It was really amazing. It looked a bit... 121 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,600 LAUGHTER 122 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,800 "You're great, koala...!" 123 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,800 Is that the excuse you used when you started putting the moves on it? 124 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,560 LAUGHTER 125 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,160 "Koala started it. It was cuddling me. 126 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:01,440 "Next thing you know - beautiful breath, I thought I'd have a go." 127 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,000 None of that happened! 128 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,400 You SAY it didn't happen. 129 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,920 So if you had a really bad throat, could you get a koala bear and put it a big bowl and a tea towel... 130 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,240 LAUGHTER 131 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,920 That would be a way to cure it. 132 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,320 You wouldn't want your wife coming in. 133 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,320 No, no. "Sorry, darling, he just frothed in my mouth." 134 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,000 - LAUGHTER - Oh! 135 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,120 Oh, Lord! 136 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,720 AUSSIE ACCENT: "Why not buy one of my outback inhalers? 137 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,480 "They're cuddly and gorgeous." 138 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,200 Just suckin' on a koala. 139 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,000 - "Here he comes now, the little..." - HE INHALES 140 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,560 Australian asthmatics! Going, "Oh, dear... Getting the koala out." 141 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,360 LAUGHTER 142 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,320 That would have been brilliant if in Star Wars when they're taking off Vader's helmet 143 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,640 he just had a koala in there. 144 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,480 HE INHALES LIKE DARTH VADER "Oh, that's better." 145 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,120 LAUGHTER 146 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,680 So - halitosis was invented by an advertising agency to shift mouthwash. 147 00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:00,520 Now, why would a hoplophobe be particularly nervous 148 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:06,560 of a Sturmgewehr vierundvierzig with a Krummlauf modification? 149 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,320 BICYCLE BELL TINGS 150 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,720 Cos he was French. 151 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,280 LAUGHTER 152 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,760 Yeah, kind of... It is of course a German something - 153 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,720 Sturmgewehr 44. 154 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,480 Is it a firearm? 155 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:21,720 - It is a firearm. - A machine gun? 156 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,680 - It's not a machine gun. - No? 157 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,040 - Funnily enough...I have one. - MAN: Assault rifle? 158 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:30,040 Oh, assault rifle. Somebody speaks German there. Sturmgewehr. 159 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,520 That was slightly scary, wasn't it? 160 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:33,720 LAUGHTER 161 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,400 - You know you said that out loud?! - "It's an assault rifle..." 162 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,400 "I've got eight in my bunker." 163 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,440 LAUGHTER 164 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,640 "I can't tell you where, it's a secret location." 165 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,920 "I've got hundreds of these as well." 166 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,880 "Come the day..." 167 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,760 - Would you like to see one? - "Come the day..." 168 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:55,040 LAUGHTER 169 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,600 "..we'll be ready." 170 00:08:56,600 --> 00:09:00,800 - They're very big, very heavy... - All your Christmases have come at once. 171 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,600 You've got no idea what you're doing. 172 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,360 There's the Sturmgewehr, which is a German 173 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,760 Second World War assault rifle. The first assault rifle there ever was. 174 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:13,680 - But the Krummlauf is the interesting part. - Oh, I can see it. 175 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,560 The Krummlauf is this modification... 176 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,720 They don't like it up 'em(!) 177 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:19,880 LAUGHTER 178 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,400 So...this is a genuine article. 179 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,840 It's brought to us by our very nice friends 180 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,720 from the Royal Armouries in Leeds, 181 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,480 it's going to spend the night in the Tower of London tonight, 182 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,680 and this is this extraordinary Krummlauf... 183 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:35,120 - You can shoot over the trench. - You shoot over a wall or round a corner, 184 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,480 and this is a periscope. And so if I'm here, I can actually... 185 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,120 I assure you, it HAS been deactivated. 186 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,320 There's no chance, it's been checked and double-checked, but I can see 187 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:48,880 the audience in my... And I can see the sights as well in the periscope. 188 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,320 Yes, it's been converted into a waterer for flower baskets. 189 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,760 I can point at the back row of the audience, 190 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,040 or, as you rightly say, round a corner. 191 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,520 But there's another gun, isn't there, that actually shoots round a corner. 192 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:04,280 Yes, the Israeli army uses that. We might even have a picture of it. 193 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,600 It's a much more modern development. 194 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,160 There it is. That really is extraordinary. 195 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,760 And behind, though, is the first of its kind, a very simple invention, 196 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,240 an Australian invention in the First World War, where you see a genuine 197 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,480 rifle on top of the trench and a thing holding it 198 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,640 and a periscope, looking through the sight. 199 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,880 - Quite clever. - But, much cooler just to go... 200 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,840 - Oh, yes. You're so right. - LAUGHTER 201 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,560 There it is. 1943 it was invented, they started making them in '44. 202 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:34,240 It was too late - Jerry didn't win the war, as you probably know. 203 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,400 We gave them a bit of an old spanking, in fact. 204 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,120 LAUGHTER 205 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:42,600 But this was in great demand for the Panzer people, in their tanks... 206 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:47,480 Please tell me on the other side of the desk you've got the left-handed one. 207 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,440 ROSS: That one that goes round the corner - 208 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,120 do they have ones that go that way and ones that go that way? 209 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,760 Cos that would really annoy you if you ran up and you went, "Oh, no..." 210 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,080 LAUGHTER 211 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,120 "I've got to go all the way round the block!" 212 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,040 LAUGHTER 213 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,440 It was invented by a man called Hans-Joachim Shayede, 214 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,840 who was a washing machine manufacturer, in fact... 215 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,400 So it's got a spin cycle? 216 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,960 LAUGHTER 217 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,560 So was he just trying to drum up a bit of business - 218 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,720 on the adverts where they go, "It gets blood out. 219 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,720 "Oh, I tell you what... HE MIMICS RIFLE FIRE 220 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,840 "You'll be needing a washing machine." 221 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:26,680 And I said a hoplophobe, and a hoplophobe is someone who hates weapons. 222 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,160 I thought it was someone who's scared of hooplas. 223 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,360 LAUGHTER 224 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:34,320 According to urbandictionary.com - this literally is their definition - 225 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,600 "An irrational fear of weapons, generally guns, 226 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,680 "usually occurring as a result of a liberal upbringing, 227 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:43,720 "or the fact the person is just a wimp in general. 228 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,640 LAUGHTER 229 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:50,760 "Rather than deal with the fear, said hoplophobe will assign human characteristics to a weapon, 230 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:53,960 "ie. "guns are evil" or "guns kill", 231 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:59,200 "to justify the fear rather than deal with the core problem of being a sissy." 232 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,280 LAUGHTER 233 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,920 - I'll tell you something. - Yeah? - He wrote that. 234 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,000 LAUGHTER 235 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,600 He may have done. Assault rifle. 236 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,560 - ROSS: I bet he wrote it with a left-handed pen. - Don't play with it 237 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:15,120 because they did ask that nobody else touch it because it's very valuable. 238 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,240 I was going to make it go over the desk! 239 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:18,680 LAUGHTER 240 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:23,240 I'm sorry. I'm afraid I was given a specific, "Alan not to touch." 241 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,280 LAUGHTER 242 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,040 It's very valuable. 243 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,840 I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says, 244 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,000 "Machine gun. For Stephen Fry's use only." 245 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,240 LAUGHTER 246 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,760 "What?!" 247 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,000 Anyway, yes - the age-old problem of firing guns round corners 248 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,520 has been sold by making guns that fire round corners. 249 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,240 Time to inject a bit of humour and hilarity, I reckon, 250 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:49,160 so why did the bomb disposal expert go to the joke shop? 251 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,760 Something you can get there that helps with bomb disposing? 252 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,720 - Fake poos. - LAUGHTER 253 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:00,120 - Take me through the chain of... - I don't know how... 254 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,640 Is it er...whoopee cushions? 255 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,320 Put a whoopee cushion under, to release the pressure plate? 256 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,840 That's quite smart thinking. It's not that, actually. 257 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,520 They're called ammunition technicians, and they use 258 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,280 a thing you might get in a joke shop or a party shop... 259 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,520 - A flower that sprays water. - It is something you spray. 260 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,480 - Oh, is it that squirty stuff... - ROSS: Silly string. 261 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:24,160 Silly string! Now, what use would silly string be? 262 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,800 Does it fill up the fuse area and block everything up? 263 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,120 No, it's not that. It's in case there are invisible tripwires - 264 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,480 and you spray it, and they fall on the tripwire without triggering it. 265 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:39,440 And particularly they have fluorescent silly string, so in dark corners where you might... 266 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:44,280 There's always the possibility, because so many bombs are booby-trapped. 267 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:48,160 It's nice that that's a real thing, but I just prefer them leaning over a bomb going... 268 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,560 HE MIMICS PARTY HOOTER 269 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,200 LAUGHTER 270 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,560 - In a big Margaret Thatcher mask. - LAUGHTER 271 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,400 With a rubber chicken. 272 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:04,000 I have to say, that would have improved that film The Hurt Locker. 273 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,040 - Yes! - "Hey-hey!" 274 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,760 PHILL MIMICS NOISEMAKER 275 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,560 PHILL MIMICS HORN 276 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,800 Anyway... 277 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:19,480 The army uses Silly String to check for tripwires in booby-trapped houses. 278 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:24,200 From houses to holes, you can't fit a square peg in a round hole. 279 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:29,400 So how would you make a square hole with a round drill? 280 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,640 That's the question. Can it be done? 281 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,080 Yes, Jack Dee? 282 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:37,200 I would drill four small holes that, don't laugh before it's happened... 283 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,800 LAUGHTER 284 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:43,240 I might surprise you yet. I'm thinking while I talk. 285 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:48,240 I would drill four small holes that would describe a square... 286 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:54,360 - The corners? - Corners and then with a hacksaw I would join them and knock the square through. 287 00:14:54,360 --> 00:15:01,640 It's a way of punching a square into the surface, but there is actually a way of using a round drill bit. 288 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,960 Well, my way's better. 289 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,520 That would be brilliant if it had gone "woo-woo" 290 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,800 - at every word you said... - One day! 291 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,280 Don't laugh before you've... 292 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,480 There's a particular shape, a sort of circular triangle 293 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,520 which when it revolves, a part of it makes a square. 294 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:27,640 A circular triangle? 295 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,560 Well... 296 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:30,840 Oh, no, no, no! 297 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:34,280 This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time! 298 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:37,640 "It's a sort of circular triangle!" 299 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,560 Yes and it makes a square! 300 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:45,400 It's not the fact that I'm boggled by that, 301 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,960 it's the fact I now realise there's a possibility 302 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:52,440 that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo. 303 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,000 I've dreamt about that for years. 304 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,400 Do you know the weird thing? Do you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble? 305 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,720 Is the name for this form a triangle is a Reuleaux. 306 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,480 It genuinely is! 307 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:16,040 You have to have points for that. You somehow found a triangle that was a Reuleaux . 308 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:20,280 It's a Reuleaux triangle, that's what it's called. It's a very particular shape. 309 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,080 If we come on this show and we discover things, 310 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:27,840 what I like tonight is I've just discovered the best three words to hear in a Geordie accent 311 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,520 are, "Toblerone-Rolo combo". 312 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:34,920 Thanks, now everyone I meet's going to go, "Can you say Toblerone please? 313 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:38,040 "Go on, Geordie man, dance for us." 314 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,920 You've got to form a band now. Called that. 315 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:43,360 - Me and Cheryl Cole? - Yes! 316 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,080 LAUGHTER 317 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:49,360 Her, me and Jimmy Nail as a trio. 318 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,960 "Ladies and gentlemen, the Toblerone-Rolo Combo!" 319 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,760 - You're not going to play the trombone? - The trombone? 320 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,680 My God. 321 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,200 Right, OK... 322 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,880 - Do you want to see a picture of this Reuleaux triangle? - Yes. 323 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,040 - A Reuleaux triangle... - Is it only available in airports? 324 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,440 No, let's roll it... There. 325 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:14,600 Now you see that's a sort of round-ended triangle. 326 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:20,440 There it is and that is the drill bit and it is describing a square, if you see, exactly. 327 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,680 Isn't that crazy? 328 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,680 How loony is that? 329 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,120 You've sickened me. 330 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,320 Now that shape may be familiar if you like cars and bikes. 331 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:36,080 It's a type of piston, rotary piston which is known as a... 332 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:39,960 - A Wankel. - A Wankel or "Vankel" if we prefer to say it that way. 333 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:44,200 - Wankel was a bloke though, wasn't he? - He was. Mr Wankel was indeed a bloke. 334 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,080 That's all you could do. If your name was Wankel. 335 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:52,600 You'd go, "What are you going to do?" "Well it's going to have to be engines, isn't it?" 336 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,280 "Or sex toys!" 337 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:58,320 And I for one, looking at that, am glad that he went the engine path, 338 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,960 because I can't see that being comfortable. 339 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:06,320 No. So you can make a square hole with a round drill but... 340 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,800 this is something more extraordinary in a way. 341 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,600 This is from an ordinary cylinder. 342 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,160 And all you do is just cut two wedges off it. 343 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,520 As long as the cylinder is as long as it is wide, 344 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:23,040 you cut the two wedges and you can do something again that you're not supposed to be able to do. 345 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,800 Ah! Wedge the door open on a rabbit hutch? 346 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,480 LAUGHTER 347 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,960 No, it's rather amazing. 348 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,880 You've got the three Play School windows, you've got the square, the triangle... 349 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,200 - You can push it into all of them. - That is a square now, look. See? 350 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,720 It's a square. 351 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,280 - Look. See, square? Square. - Go on. Put it through then. 352 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,200 Also it's...hang on. 353 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,200 It's also a triangle. 354 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,880 - Yes? - Triangle. And...it's a circle. 355 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,760 Isn't that amazing? 356 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,640 Can I...? 357 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:04,760 Can we just leave that, like at a playgroup and watch the kids' heads explode? 358 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:09,840 Right, the fact is thanks to the wonders of geometry, it's quite possible to drill a square hole 359 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,880 with a circular bit, which brings me round 360 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:16,880 to a hypothetical question - what's made of jelly and lives forever? 361 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,040 BICYCLE BELL TINGS 362 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,840 Shark-infested custard? Wrong joke. 363 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,120 - Is it a famous jelly? - Royal jelly. Bees? 364 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:30,120 No. What lives and is made of jelly? 365 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:34,280 - Jellyfish. - A jellyfish. What sort of jellyfish would live forever? 366 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,160 - The Highlander! - An eternal jellyfish. 367 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,720 An eternal, or as it is known, the immortal jellyfish. 368 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,280 - The immortal jellyfish, as I was about to say. - Yes, you were. 369 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:48,960 Turritopsis, is its proper name and the extraordinary thing about it is it doesn't die. 370 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,200 What happens is after it sexes, er, after it sexes... 371 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,320 I'm going to sex you! 372 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:58,360 I'm a jellyfish and I'm going to sex you. 373 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,840 After it's had sex is the normal way of saying it. 374 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,000 Have sex? 375 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,040 Marjorie, shall we sex?! Come on! 376 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:10,640 - We haven't sexed for a good week. - I can't talk now, I'm sexing. 377 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,240 Why don't we say that? It's perfectly logical. 378 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,440 - Some of us do say that! - There you are! 379 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,640 But anyway, after it's sexed, it can then turn back into a child. 380 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:27,600 It's cells change, function, the muscle cells and the sperm cells and the egg cells change back 381 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:33,200 and it literally goes as it were back in time and just starts again. But it's the same creature. 382 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,000 That would be a bit unnerving for its partner though. 383 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,560 You know what I mean? You've just made love and then... 384 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,440 Can we watch Grange Hill? 385 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:47,440 Of course they do die, because they get eaten or they get diseased but they don't die of old age. 386 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:53,240 I'm trying to work out which of those five phases is the emo one that doesn't talk to you for weeks. 387 00:20:54,840 --> 00:21:00,400 Well, now what about human attempts to be immortal or to rejuvenate at least? 388 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,920 - What was the great popular one earlier in the 20th century? - Cliff Richard? 389 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,760 - True. - Being frozen. Cryogenic. 390 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,280 That doesn't rejuvenate, that's just waiting until there's a cure. 391 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,800 Monkey glands, royal jelly. 392 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,080 What do they mean by monkey glands? 393 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:20,600 The glands of a monkey! 394 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,400 They were not really glands though, were they? They were testicles. 395 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,720 Have... No! 396 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,320 Yes! It started as human testicles, I'm sorry to say. 397 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,600 They're perfectly round... 398 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,760 Get them into my thimble! 399 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:40,320 If you were to scale them up to the size of the Earth, they'd take hours to scratch. 400 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,360 LAUGHTER 401 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,960 Chinese farmers with rakes. 402 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,360 Monkey balls. 403 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:56,920 Monkey balls. There was a man called Serge Voronoff who was a Russian who lived in Paris... 404 00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,520 Whoa! Hello, ladies! 405 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,640 And I'm talking about the dude in the middle. 406 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:08,320 It started as human testicles, he would inject parts of the human testicle... 407 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,920 Hang on, injecting parts of the human testicle? 408 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,360 Is that what he told the ladies, was it? 409 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:17,680 It was very popular and in fact Wolverhampton Wanderers, 410 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:21,720 they had a striker in the late 40s called Dennis Westcott 411 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,800 and the manager, the manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers, 412 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:30,720 I like this period in English football when managers were called things like Major Frank Buckley. 413 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:34,240 You don't get many Majors managering football teams anymore. 414 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,280 Or indeed sexing. 415 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:36,800 Or indeed sexing. 416 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:42,200 I love the fact that you did one impersonation of me and now you can't use grammar at all. 417 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,280 "Next week's QI has been cancelled. 418 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,800 "Noble has infected Fry's brain." 419 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,880 - "Welcome to QI! Way-hey!" - Major... 420 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,680 "Get the monkey balls out, we're sexing it tonight." 421 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,960 ALAN IMITATES MONKEY 422 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:09,360 Major Frank Buckley insisted on his striker being injected with monkey testicles 423 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:14,720 and amazingly he went on to score 38 goals in 35 games. Then... 424 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:17,440 Then married hundreds of monkeys! 425 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,440 Then the manager of Plymouth made his team 426 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,320 inject themselves or be injected with monkey... 427 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,720 That's got to be an interesting team talk. 428 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,480 What I want you to do, lads... 429 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:35,000 But... It was very fashionable. The search for eternal youth. 430 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,000 And now, look on my works, ye mighty, and despair. 431 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,520 It's time for General Ignorance. 432 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:44,760 How do snakes manage when their lunch is bigger than their head? 433 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,520 - HARMONY: Ring-a-ding! - Yes, Ross? 434 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:47,880 They dislocate their jaw? 435 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,960 - Oh, Ross, you were doing so well! - KLAXON SOUNDS 436 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,560 I'm so sorry. This is a common misapprehension. 437 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:58,120 They don't do any such thing, they just have very stretchy wide mouths. 438 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:04,240 They have a special bone which in mammals has become our anvil and other ear bones. 439 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:08,160 The choice was I could either hear very well or eat something bigger than my head? 440 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,120 Yes, essentially... 441 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,680 Evolution! 442 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:16,880 He can't hear you. 443 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:18,680 But we've only got your word for it 444 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,880 that that is a snake eating a mouse. 445 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:25,120 That might be a new mouse creature that has a snake head. 446 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:28,440 - It might! It's a lovely thought. - I'll have them points back, please. 447 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,720 Doesn't it slip out or something? 448 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,040 No, it's a double-jointed hinge. 449 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:36,040 Is that what they use on snakeskin handbags? 450 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,680 To get the... 451 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,760 Gosh, that would be a very impressive handbag, wouldn't it? 452 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:45,720 But sometimes they do over-reach themselves. There was a case in 2005 in the Everglades of Florida 453 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:50,040 where a Burmese python attempted to eat a whole alligator 454 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:54,080 and it got into it, that is an alligator inside a snake. 455 00:24:54,080 --> 00:25:00,920 But the alligator was still alive inside the snake and tore at the stomach and the python exploded. 456 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:05,240 - So... isn't that not extraordinary? - Who lived? Who survived? 457 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:09,160 I think the alligator was probably dead as well, unfortunately by this time. 458 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,800 - So not a happy ending? - There were no winners. - No, no winners. 459 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:17,360 What, you may ask, was a Burmese python doing in the middle of Florida? 460 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,000 - He was on holiday. - He was on holiday! 461 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,960 - A very popular destination! - It's a popular destination! 462 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,160 They're popular pets and that's the reason they're in Florida, 463 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,360 because they escape and they find the swamps very similar 464 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:32,640 to the Burmese swamp "where the python romp", as Noel Coward puts it. 465 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:37,400 So yes, snakes don't actually dislocate their jaws to swallow. 466 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,280 They just have stretchy mouths. 467 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:43,000 What does a judge do when he wants order in his court? 468 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,840 Here? 469 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:47,840 - Yes? - BICYCLE BELL TINGS 470 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,560 He bangs his gavel. 471 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,920 - No! - KLAXON SOUNDS 472 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:57,000 British judges have never had gavels. They do on some television programmes. 473 00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:01,040 It may be because I think props people think it looks good but they've never had them. 474 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:05,920 Sometimes if they're conducting an auction at the same time, they do. 475 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:09,000 But it's unlikely that's going to happen. 476 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,520 Auctioneers do have gavels. 477 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:14,920 - Judges? - Judges don't have gavels. No. - You've got one there. 478 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:19,600 I was a judge in Kingdom and I had a gavel in that. 479 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:22,880 - You were. Oh, did you? - I think so, yes. I seem to remember. 480 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,440 - We got that wrong. - Another reason why that show was cancelled! 481 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,280 British judges have never used gavels, unlike American judges. 482 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:35,880 That's it! We've hobbled our way through higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge 483 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,360 and all that remains is the humiliation of the final scores. 484 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:41,040 My goodness, my gracious, my knee. 485 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:47,360 Holding his head high this week with a staggering plus 2 points is Jack Dee! 486 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:48,880 Yes. 487 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,920 APPLAUSE 488 00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:54,200 And... 489 00:26:55,240 --> 00:27:00,120 Holding his own in second place, a very creditable entry in to the QI stakes 490 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:02,960 is our newcomer Ross Noble with -6. 491 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,000 APPLAUSE 492 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:14,520 Oh, what a triumph here because holding out the hope of greater things, it's Alan on -8. 493 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,040 Well done. 494 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,480 Which means sadly... 495 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:26,240 hanging his head in shame on -10, is Phill Jupitus. 496 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:27,880 APPLAUSE 497 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:37,160 That's all from this heterogeneous edition of QI, 498 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,280 so it's good night from Jack, Phill, Ross, Alan and me. 499 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,800 And I leave you with this - good night. 500 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,840 APPLAUSE 501 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,640 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 502 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:07,680 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net