1 00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:27,260 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:29,860 CHEERING 3 00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:34,420 Hey, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey, 4 00:00:34,420 --> 00:00:40,220 hey hey hey hey, and welcome to the QI H-anatomy lesson, 5 00:00:40,220 --> 00:00:43,300 where we're discussing heads, hands, hips, hearts, 6 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:46,140 and indeed any other part of the body beginning with H. 7 00:00:46,140 --> 00:00:50,660 And joining me with scalpels at the ready are four prime specimens of the human body. 8 00:00:50,660 --> 00:00:52,820 So give a big hand for Sue Perkins! 9 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:56,420 APPLAUSE AND CHEERS 10 00:00:56,420 --> 00:01:00,980 And a hearty cheer for Bill Bailey. 11 00:01:00,980 --> 00:01:03,620 APPLAUSE AND HEARTY CHEERS 12 00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:07,700 And a hip-hip-hip replacement hooray for Gyles Brandreth! 13 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:09,820 - AUDIENCE: - Hip, hip, hooray! 14 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:14,380 Wahey! Very good. And a hair-raising scream for Alan Davies! 15 00:01:14,380 --> 00:01:17,580 - AUDIENCE SCREAMS - Wow. 16 00:01:17,580 --> 00:01:20,140 I like the way it stopped dead. 17 00:01:20,140 --> 00:01:23,460 That was good. And now, thanks to the handiwork of my audio elves, 18 00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:25,820 your buzzers should be ready. And Sue goes... 19 00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:29,420 - APPLAUSE - Ooh! 20 00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:32,180 I think it was a round of applause. And Bill goes... 21 00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:35,020 - CHEER - And Gyles goes... 22 00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:38,020 - HIP-HIP-HOORAY! - And Alan goes... 23 00:01:38,020 --> 00:01:40,860 - SCREAM - Oh! 24 00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:44,460 - We recorded, cleverly, the audience. - GYLES: Isn't that clever? Wow. 25 00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:49,140 - So, let's start with H... - This is already one of the weirdest shows I've ever been on. 26 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:52,300 - LAUGHTER - We try and do our best. 27 00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:57,540 - This sounds like a pensioner sitting on a bag of Rice Krispies. - APPLAUSE 28 00:01:57,540 --> 00:01:59,380 - LAUGHTER - You're right! 29 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,260 APPLAUSE 30 00:02:01,260 --> 00:02:05,060 It's certainly not someone under 65 sitting on Rice Krispies, is it? 31 00:02:05,060 --> 00:02:08,340 Or somebody putting their fingers in a socket. Do it again. 32 00:02:08,340 --> 00:02:12,380 APPLAUSE Slow way to go, but nice! 33 00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:14,740 - Ooh, lovely. - Easy, tiger. 34 00:02:14,740 --> 00:02:17,700 - Easy. - Careful. - Pleasure delay, remember? 35 00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:22,620 Well. Let's start with H for h-h-h-hands. 36 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,980 What can you tell about someone from their palms? 37 00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:29,460 - How long they're going to live, whether they'll get married, children... - BILL: The future. 38 00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:31,340 KLAXON 39 00:02:31,340 --> 00:02:34,180 I didn't say "the future"! He said "the future"! 40 00:02:34,180 --> 00:02:36,220 He started it! I just joined in! 41 00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:39,140 Maybe we'll halve the forfeit between you. 42 00:02:39,140 --> 00:02:40,820 Oh, I can't believe I get...! 43 00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:44,940 But no. Empirically and obviously it's never been proved that any such thing 44 00:02:44,940 --> 00:02:48,180 could ever be demonstrated, but there ARE things you CAN tell. 45 00:02:48,180 --> 00:02:51,540 - GYLES: Forgive me. When you say it's never been proved... - Yeah. 46 00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:56,340 - But there are people who feel they've done it. - Feeling you've done something is not quite the same 47 00:02:56,340 --> 00:02:59,100 as empirical... Thank God you're out of government. 48 00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:03,860 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 49 00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,340 They sweat, that's all they do. 50 00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:10,300 - To varying degrees. - But they have ridges. 51 00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:15,020 We'll ignore the lines of palmistry for the moment, but there is such a thing as palm diagnosis. 52 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:17,780 There is a way of finding out predispositions towards 53 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:22,660 - rather important and life-threatening... - Oh, good God. - ..happiness-threatening illnesses. 54 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:25,460 - Oh. It actually will spell something? - LAUGHTER 55 00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:28,420 - "You're going to..." - Alphabetic! "You're going to d..." 56 00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:30,820 - GYLES: And where do we see this? - Do they swell up? Go red? 57 00:03:30,820 --> 00:03:33,020 It's the ridges of the palms. 58 00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:36,180 Who was responsible for discovering fingerprints? 59 00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:38,740 - No. - It was a very famous scientist called Francis Galton, 60 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:42,860 whose name was rather ruined by the fact that he believed in eugenics, 61 00:03:42,860 --> 00:03:46,380 - which was rather discredited. - That's always a shame. - It is. 62 00:03:46,380 --> 00:03:50,060 But he also noticed the ridges and whorls on the palm, 63 00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:54,060 and 30 years later in the 1920s it was discovered that those with Down's Syndrome 64 00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:56,660 have completely different palms from anyone else. 65 00:03:56,660 --> 00:03:59,420 And then by the 1960s, at least 20 conditions 66 00:03:59,420 --> 00:04:02,220 were shown to present themselves on the palms. 67 00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:03,300 How gullible are we? 68 00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:07,340 We're just like this, Gyles and I, like that. "Heal us!" 69 00:04:07,340 --> 00:04:10,700 - "Make us whole again!" - There are also indications... - "Tip us!" 70 00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:13,820 - LAUGHTER - "We work for food!" - Yeah. 71 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,780 Going back, if I may, to the palmistry, 72 00:04:15,780 --> 00:04:19,060 all I will say is this. That you dismiss palmistry, 73 00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:21,060 but there were people 100 years ago, 74 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:24,740 perhaps the wisest people of the time, who consulted palmists. 75 00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:27,940 Indeed there were. Including, of course, our mutual hero... 76 00:04:27,940 --> 00:04:32,300 Our mutual friend, Oscar Wilde. And Mark Twain did. Queen Victoria, I think, did. Edward VII did. 77 00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:35,780 - Gladstone. - And they... - Who was the palmist they consulted? 78 00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:40,020 They consulted a man... Oscar Wilde certainly consulted a man called Cheiro, 79 00:04:40,020 --> 00:04:43,740 - based on... - Called "cheiro" from... - From the Greek meaning "hand". - But his real name was? 80 00:04:43,740 --> 00:04:47,300 - His real name was William Warner. - You're right. There he is. 81 00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:51,580 - He was Irish. - He was Irish, and his great-great-grandson's brother 82 00:04:51,580 --> 00:04:54,420 married Elizabeth Taylor - Senator Warner. 83 00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:59,260 - But that's just incidental. - No, it's good to know. He also called himself Count von Hamon. 84 00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,020 That's a really good answer on William Warner and superb to hear. 85 00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:04,420 Splendid answers all round. Thank you very much. 86 00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:06,860 The fact is, palmistry won't tell you your future, 87 00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:09,780 - but it can tell you your past... - RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER 88 00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:13,900 in the form of genetic markers that were set down while you were in the...womb... 89 00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:16,300 There's somebody playing with me... 90 00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,820 It sort of looks funny with what you're doing. 91 00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:24,780 There is a piece of wire. 92 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:26,620 LAUGHTER 93 00:05:26,620 --> 00:05:28,420 APPLAUSE 94 00:05:28,420 --> 00:05:31,540 I've been goosed by the palm of a skeleton. 95 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:35,060 I've been sitting for ten minutes thinking "When shall I do it? 96 00:05:35,060 --> 00:05:38,820 "They're talking about palms! It should be now! It should be now!" 97 00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:39,900 Wahey! 98 00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:42,260 Oh! Oh! 99 00:05:43,740 --> 00:05:44,780 You see? 100 00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:47,220 It had to end... 101 00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:49,460 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 102 00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:51,860 GYLES: You just don't know your own strength! 103 00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:54,220 "Sorry!" 104 00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:57,260 BILL: Keith! Keith, man, me head's come off. 105 00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,980 - GYLES: Oh, my heavens! - That'll do it! 106 00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:03,740 - Carry on, carry on. - LAUGHTER 107 00:06:03,740 --> 00:06:06,500 They actually look a little bit like the Cheeky Girls. 108 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,180 LAUGHTER 109 00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:12,820 They do. Yes. Er... answer me another question. 110 00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:16,980 - Marcel Proust. - BILL: A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu. 111 00:06:16,980 --> 00:06:21,060 Very good. Now why did Marcel Proust have such a limp handshake? 112 00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,180 There he is. There's Marcel. 113 00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:26,340 - He hasn't slept for five years. - APPLAUSE 114 00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:30,420 - I feel bad saying this, but he was a known homosexual. - He was well gay. 115 00:06:30,420 --> 00:06:33,420 Now I don't... He was well gay. But I don't want to say 116 00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:36,340 that he had the limp handshake because he was gay... 117 00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:40,980 It's like saying he... loved to buy scatter cushions and throw them around the gaff. 118 00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:45,340 I mean, it seems a really reductive thing to say. But I don't know if... 119 00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:48,660 There are types of gay who go round in muscle vests and are very butch, 120 00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:53,740 and there are types of gay, like Marcel, who are rather limp-wristed and who like ornament and design. 121 00:06:53,740 --> 00:06:57,220 He famously wrote only in a cork-lined room, he was very sensitive. 122 00:06:57,220 --> 00:06:59,380 - But... - BILL: He was very buoyant. 123 00:06:59,380 --> 00:07:01,620 - Buoyant... - LAUGHTER 124 00:07:01,620 --> 00:07:04,740 - Exactly! He was very buoyant. - He could go cruising at any time. 125 00:07:04,740 --> 00:07:08,540 - He could set sail. - He could write anywhere in the world. Oceans, anywhere. 126 00:07:08,540 --> 00:07:09,780 - HIP-HIP-HOORAY! - Yes. 127 00:07:09,780 --> 00:07:12,540 - I'm going to offer a thought. - Yeah. - OK? - Right. 128 00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:16,220 He, being gay, spent a lot of time in North Africa. 129 00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:19,340 - BILL: Tangiers? - North Africaaaah. 130 00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:23,020 - One of the things that I discovered when I spent time in Africa... - Are you coming out? 131 00:07:23,020 --> 00:07:25,340 Is this a coming-out statement? 132 00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:28,980 Cos if it is, that'll be the picture, so just watch out. 133 00:07:28,980 --> 00:07:31,460 Why not? Tonight could be the night, you're right. 134 00:07:31,460 --> 00:07:35,340 - I know your party's behind you. - Indeed. LAUGHTER 135 00:07:35,340 --> 00:07:39,700 APPLAUSE 136 00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:42,540 - It's time. - Yes, Gyles. 137 00:07:42,540 --> 00:07:44,900 I'm going to suggest this. When I went to Africa, 138 00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:48,700 I was quite disconcerted to find that traditionally, the African handshake 139 00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:51,900 is not simply very soft, but it lingers. 140 00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:55,700 - Shake my hand. - Oh, this is just an excuse. Again! - No, no! 141 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:59,100 - The injunction, Gyles! - In Europe we shake hands... BILL: Don't touch him! 142 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:02,700 In Europe we shake hands like that. I think in Africa, we shake hands 143 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:07,140 - like this...and we hold there. - Stop. - I have a lot of experience of this. 144 00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:11,140 Stop it... He's glued me! I can't get out. 145 00:08:11,140 --> 00:08:15,340 I don't wish to name-drop, but I went to interview Archbishop Desmond Tutu 146 00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:19,660 - and he held my hand like this for a long, long time. - Did he? 147 00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:23,140 BILL: And he was saying to his aides, "Who is this again?" 148 00:08:23,140 --> 00:08:29,340 I'm thinking that Marcel Proust spent time in North Africa and rather liked this tradition, 149 00:08:29,340 --> 00:08:32,140 and brought it back with him to Paris. 150 00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:37,580 It's an interesting idea, I have no evidence that proves it. I know that Andre Gide went to North Africa... 151 00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:39,660 That's who I'm thinking of! 152 00:08:39,660 --> 00:08:42,580 APPLAUSE 153 00:08:44,340 --> 00:08:46,020 You sweated on my hand for that? 154 00:08:47,820 --> 00:08:49,460 Andre Gide was out and proud. 155 00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:54,060 He was probably the man who invented the word "homosexual", as it were, in his book Corydon. 156 00:08:54,060 --> 00:08:56,380 And he was out. Marcel was not out. 157 00:08:56,380 --> 00:08:59,740 Marcel was embarrassed and ashamed of being gay 158 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:02,780 and indeed, he went to brothels to try and cure himself. 159 00:09:02,780 --> 00:09:04,940 Oh, we've all tried THAT. 160 00:09:04,940 --> 00:09:06,420 LAUGHTER 161 00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:09,140 You heard it here first, folks. 162 00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:11,900 "The North Africans hold their hands like that, my darling." 163 00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:15,300 It was sort of double-bluff is the only way I can explain it. 164 00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:18,340 He had a friend, a Romanian count, who said to him, 165 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:23,380 "Look, I can teach you how to do a more manly handshake, then people won't think you're an invert." 166 00:09:23,380 --> 00:09:25,300 - As the word was then. - Invert? - An invert. 167 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,540 - That was a gayer. - A gayer, yeah. 168 00:09:27,540 --> 00:09:32,380 And Marcel Proust said, "No, if I do that, people will think I'm trying to look straight." 169 00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:37,540 - Whereas, if I, confidently am all limp... - It's a double-bluff! - A double-bluff. - Good Lord. 170 00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:41,900 I've been spending too much time just drinking cider. 171 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:44,700 I should have been reading the novels of Proust. 172 00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:49,260 - I feel I've missed out. - It's famous for people never actually having read it, isn't it? 173 00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:51,940 - GYLES: Has anybody finished it? - It's enormously long. 174 00:09:51,940 --> 00:09:56,900 - There's a famous scene that opens in Du Cote De Chez Swann... - GYLES: The biscuit scene! 175 00:09:56,900 --> 00:10:00,820 - Describe it. - I can't describe it, but it is to do... - Does it involve touching? 176 00:10:00,820 --> 00:10:04,220 - It could, it could. If you want to be the biscuit. - Don't touch him! 177 00:10:04,220 --> 00:10:07,780 - If you want to be the little biscuit. What are they called? - I don't want to be your little biscuit! 178 00:10:07,780 --> 00:10:09,940 - Madeleine! - I don't want to be your madeleine! 179 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,460 - No, I don't want to! - The smell of the madeleine 180 00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:15,940 - evokes for him always, it takes him back to the past. - Yeah. 181 00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:19,020 The whole book springs from one moment. It's an epiphanic moment 182 00:10:19,020 --> 00:10:22,580 when the narrator has a cup of tea and he dips a biscuit in it, 183 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:25,980 a little madeleine, the scallop-shaped biscuits, he dips it in, 184 00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:29,180 and as he's just bringing the biscuit to his lips, 185 00:10:29,180 --> 00:10:31,660 he gets the smell of the tea and the biscuit. 186 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:34,820 And the entire world of this seven-volume novel 187 00:10:34,820 --> 00:10:37,900 comes into his head. It evokes a memory. You know the way smells do. 188 00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,700 - You get a smell... - Wait a minute. 189 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:43,300 - This whole thing's based on a dunking incident? - Yes. Exactly. 190 00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:48,220 That is... You will find, often, people referring to, "That was my madeleine moment," 191 00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:53,260 where suddenly something triggered a whole series of memories they never knew they had. 192 00:10:53,260 --> 00:10:55,220 GYLES: The joy is, you don't need to read the book. 193 00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:57,340 You just need to buy the biscuit. Dunk! 194 00:10:57,340 --> 00:11:02,140 - Ah, yes...! - No, it only worked for him because he, as a child, sat with his aunt... 195 00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:05,100 - So we can do it with a HobNob. - It might be a HobNob for you. 196 00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:08,140 It might be the smell of who-knows-what for you, Bill. 197 00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:11,660 - Like the inside of a tennis ball, or something. - Yeah. Absolutely. 198 00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:15,060 - The inside of a tennis ball? - Inside of a tennis ball! 199 00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:18,820 - Oh, it's got a very rubbery... Specific smell, yeah. - You slit it and just...work it. 200 00:11:18,820 --> 00:11:20,980 - It's good. - Like Why Don't You? 201 00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:25,420 - Oh, yeah! - Just bringing it back to my level for a moment. 202 00:11:25,420 --> 00:11:28,820 Talking tennis balls on Why Don't You was the highlight of my childhood. 203 00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:32,460 - I may write a seven-volume novel about it. - LAUGHTER 204 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:36,380 Now, to handshakes. We said that palms don't reveal personality - do handshakes? 205 00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:38,620 I don't like a feeble handshake, gives me the creeps. 206 00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:41,420 - BILL: It's not right, is it? - I don't like a sweaty hand. 207 00:11:41,420 --> 00:11:44,700 I don't like when there's something left on your hand after... 208 00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:48,540 - Residue! - I don't like the other hand coming in to clasp, either. 209 00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:49,740 That's a power thing. 210 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:51,580 Isn't that like a dominance thing? 211 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:56,900 - Is it? - When you see people holding hands, the dominant figure, if you see them walking down the street, 212 00:11:56,900 --> 00:12:00,980 the dominant figure is the figure with the hand on the outside. Hold my hand. 213 00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:04,340 - Oh, is that right? - Close your eyes and hold my hand. - Not again, Gyles! 214 00:12:04,340 --> 00:12:06,780 It's over in a moment, just take my hand. 215 00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:08,180 - I'm looking away. - All right. 216 00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:09,940 You do it, you've got to take my hand. 217 00:12:11,780 --> 00:12:13,220 Oh! You let me dominate you. 218 00:12:13,220 --> 00:12:15,220 You've let me dominate you. 219 00:12:15,220 --> 00:12:18,180 - Oh, Sue, you've let the sisters down! - You chose, you chose! 220 00:12:18,180 --> 00:12:19,900 You chose! I just... 221 00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:23,740 Please tell me what you... You want to be submissive or dominant? I mean, with... 222 00:12:23,740 --> 00:12:25,860 Stop stroking me on the thing... 223 00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:27,700 LAUGHTER 224 00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:32,620 Who does that? Who does that? He did...he did inverted crab. 225 00:12:32,620 --> 00:12:35,500 - Earlier you said you liked it. - No... - You said you liked it! 226 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,580 Oh, God. Oh, God. They're having a row. 227 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:45,060 - I've now got two soiled... - Did it tickle? - It did tickle! - The crazy spider. - He did do the crazy spider. 228 00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:49,820 Handshakes do tell us a lot, don't they? Individually we instinctively respond, as we've just shown. 229 00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:54,260 - I don't like a cruncher. - Handshakes that repel us. Exactly. Paul Flynn, 230 00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:58,500 a Labour MP in Wales, actually suggested that people who gave really strong handshakes 231 00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:00,260 should be charged for assault. 232 00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:02,820 - He's not a busy man, is he? - No. 233 00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:07,940 So anyway, Marcel Proust used a limp handshake because he wanted to conceal the fact that he was gay 234 00:13:07,940 --> 00:13:09,460 in an elaborate double-bluff. 235 00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:12,700 I want you to imagine you've been transported to the 19th century 236 00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:14,860 and the trip has given you a banging headache. 237 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:21,700 You want to have a hole drilled in your head to get rid of the pain and the pressure. 238 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:24,500 So where's the best place to have it? 239 00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,860 - Umm... - The trepanning? - Germany? 240 00:13:26,860 --> 00:13:28,540 KLAXON 241 00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:34,620 APPLAUSE 242 00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:38,300 I'm slightly worried they can now read my mind, these people. 243 00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:39,580 Yes, that's amazing! 244 00:13:39,580 --> 00:13:41,940 - It is the eighth series, I suppose. - It basically is. 245 00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:45,140 Germany, you said, no. Germany probably not the best place. 246 00:13:45,140 --> 00:13:48,380 - The top, they trepan in the top. - Where is the best place to go? 247 00:13:48,380 --> 00:13:51,460 It's the 19th century. Should it be Europe, should it be America? 248 00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:52,660 GYLES: Harley Street. 249 00:13:52,660 --> 00:13:54,700 Harley Street was a very bad place to go. 250 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:57,060 - They would go to... - Margate. 251 00:13:57,060 --> 00:13:58,860 - France. - France? 252 00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:03,020 - Didn't they, in Africa, they trepan. - Africa, probably a better bet than Harley Street. 253 00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:05,780 But it seems that Papua New Guinea would be the best place. 254 00:14:05,780 --> 00:14:10,780 - In the 19th century, if you had this, what's the word? - Trepanning. - Trepanning, yeah. 255 00:14:10,780 --> 00:14:14,900 78% of those who had it done in London and the West died. 256 00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:16,340 From blood poisoning? 257 00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:19,420 But in Papua New Guinea... Yes, from cross-infections. 258 00:14:19,420 --> 00:14:22,540 Why did people keep going? Eight out of ten people die. "I'm up for it." 259 00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:26,340 It wasn't because they had a hole drilled in their head, it was because they got infected. 260 00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:28,180 What was it for, the trepanning? 261 00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:30,980 To relieve pressure, supposedly. 262 00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:37,420 It's the original form of surgery, as far as we know from archaeology, the oldest form that ever there was. 263 00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:42,220 And we know that it was, well, I won't say "successful", we know that it wasn't a failure. 264 00:14:42,220 --> 00:14:45,500 There's a way of knowing that it didn't kill people, which is...? 265 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,180 - Some of them survived. - A little bit of tissue grows. 266 00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:53,100 You see the skull has re-healed, because people have lived for years afterwards. 267 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,940 Didn't they used to put coins in the hole and things like that? 268 00:14:55,940 --> 00:14:58,260 Because you're left with a big, gaping hole... 269 00:14:58,260 --> 00:15:02,700 - You are... - You could put a dispenser in and turn your head into a Pez machine. 270 00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:05,180 LAUGHTER 271 00:15:05,180 --> 00:15:06,900 Just press your ear. 272 00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:12,540 Originally, in older cultures, you'd clamp the victim's head between your legs - eh - 273 00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:17,220 and you just get a stone, a sharp piece of obsidian or flint, 274 00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:22,620 and you'd scrape on to the scalp. until it grooves and grooves. You can see this in old skulls, 275 00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:25,900 - and here, even there... - He's not happy about that. - He's not happy. 276 00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:29,220 But Prince Rupert, nephew of Charles I... 277 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:33,820 - played by Timothy Dalton in the film Cromwell... - Ah, now I remember! - Yes. 278 00:15:33,820 --> 00:15:36,820 Yeah, he had a trepanning, he had terrible headaches. 279 00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:39,660 But there was Prince Philip of Nassau in the 1590s - 280 00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:42,660 in 1591 alone, he was trepanned 27 times. 281 00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:45,780 His head would look like a tea-bag, he'd be so perforated. 282 00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:49,820 His head would look like a colander, frankly! But it didn't kill him. 283 00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:53,540 In fact, he went on later to win a drinking competition against 284 00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:57,340 someone who died from drinking too much, and he carried on drinking. 285 00:15:57,340 --> 00:16:02,180 - So the 27 trepans in one year... - The beer was pouring out of his head. 286 00:16:02,180 --> 00:16:07,140 - Beer hair. - The point is, in New Guinea, they used found sharp things to do the hole 287 00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:10,020 and then poured coconut milk over it, which is sterile. 288 00:16:10,020 --> 00:16:13,820 In the 19th century in Britain, they were in hospitals where all kinds of cross-infections were possible, 289 00:16:13,820 --> 00:16:17,140 and it was a lot more dangerous for that reason. 290 00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:20,740 Do you know about open craniotomies? 291 00:16:20,740 --> 00:16:24,060 Open-brain surgery where someone is conscious. 292 00:16:24,060 --> 00:16:29,740 - Why would you want someone to be awake? - So you know that they can use their fingers... - That's right. 293 00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:33,100 So you're not... Because we still know so little about the brain, 294 00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:35,260 there is every chance you're an inch out 295 00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:39,100 in where you're operating and you can ruin the speech or motion centre. 296 00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,060 There's a man called Eddie Adcock, 297 00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:45,780 I think his name was, he's quite a senior figure in the world of bluegrass music. 298 00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:50,380 He had a hand tremor and they decided to do one of these conscious craniotomies on him 299 00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:53,260 - and we have film of it. He plays the banjo... - No! 300 00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:57,180 ..while they're operating on his brain to check they're not interfering 301 00:16:57,180 --> 00:16:59,700 with his... Can we see Mr Adcock? There he is. 302 00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:02,700 How about now? No problems? 303 00:17:04,740 --> 00:17:06,780 ADCOCK SINGS 304 00:17:14,580 --> 00:17:16,740 That's pretty astonishing, isn't it? 305 00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:22,580 - That is mental. - I saw in Star Trek, they took Spock's brain clean out 306 00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:27,260 and replaced it with another one. They did it all... 307 00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:31,700 He lay on his back and they put a board over his head 308 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:36,180 and a man stood behind, going... "The brain's out now. 309 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:40,820 "The new brain's in." They took the board up and his head was absolutely fine! 310 00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:43,980 The fact is, trepanning IS the oldest known form of surgery. 311 00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:48,300 In the 19th century, you were better off having it done in Papua New Guinea 312 00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:50,140 than in the hospitals of London. 313 00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:52,020 From hole-y heads to holy heads. 314 00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:56,740 Now, can you tell me where the halo should go on this saint? 315 00:17:56,740 --> 00:17:58,380 Oh. 316 00:17:58,380 --> 00:18:03,060 - Can you see that her head is separated from her body? - BILL: It's gone. She's holding it. 317 00:18:03,060 --> 00:18:06,820 It looks like the fella with the beard's done it by accident. 318 00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:10,500 - LAUGHTER - Oh, God, it's come off! 319 00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:14,460 The little bloke behind him's going "I told you. I told you." 320 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:19,980 She asked for half a kilo of Roquefort and he was clumsy with his cheese-cutter. 321 00:18:19,980 --> 00:18:23,020 "I'm so sorry!" 322 00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:25,460 GYLES: Does it depend on where we think our soul was? 323 00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:29,060 Well, yes, it's up to the artist, but it was a really moot point. 324 00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:32,380 - Do you put it... - The stump? - Oh! Or maybe two, could she have two? 325 00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:35,300 - That might have been a much... - A diplomatic solution. 326 00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:41,220 Yeah. Some artists depicted her with it over the stump, as it were, where her head was, 327 00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:45,220 and others where her head is now, in a sort of ring. An aureole. 328 00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:47,860 - Do you know any other names for halos? - Nimbus. 329 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:51,980 - Nimbus is a good name. - Gloriol-y. - Gloriole is one, yes. 330 00:18:51,980 --> 00:18:54,860 - No, gloriol-y! We say gloriol-y. - Do we? 331 00:18:54,860 --> 00:18:58,340 - It's a shame, because gloriole is somehow better. - LAUGHTER 332 00:18:58,340 --> 00:19:00,460 Gloriol-y sounds more like a biscuit. 333 00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:02,780 Describe the Pope's gloriole. 334 00:19:02,780 --> 00:19:07,100 - Ah. - Ah, now, I've seen this. As a Catholic it's something you have to look at. 335 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:11,260 - Um...it's sort of square! - Popes do have square haloes, you're right! 336 00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:14,100 - Pope Gregory had a square gloriole. - My goodness! 337 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,940 I was...Catholic. 338 00:19:15,940 --> 00:19:20,260 And...yes, you're absolutely right. He was the first pope, Gregory the Great, 339 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:23,700 to declare that he should have a nimbus, he should have a gloriole. 340 00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,180 - GYLES: Gloriol-y. - Gloriol-y. 341 00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:27,580 - Gloriol-y. - But gloriole is so much funnier. 342 00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:30,100 You're too innocent to know what a glory hole is. 343 00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:33,100 - Oh, I see, it was a rude joke! - Oh, dear. 344 00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,300 Sweet, sweet boy. 345 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:39,340 Can you have any shaped gloriole? Can you have some square ones and... 346 00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:41,860 - Yes. - GYLES: Triangular ones! - Triangular ones for... 347 00:19:41,860 --> 00:19:44,380 - Have you got a triangular gloriole? - BILL: Triangular gloriole? 348 00:19:44,380 --> 00:19:47,060 - Somebody's shoved a Toblerone through it! - Whoa! 349 00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:50,140 - Wow. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 350 00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:56,740 It's been done... If one's allowed to be a little bit rude, 351 00:19:56,740 --> 00:19:59,900 there is a church in Mexico that people visit 352 00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:05,980 in order to see the gloriole of St Joseph... 353 00:20:05,980 --> 00:20:09,140 - Right. - ..the father of Our Lord. Nominally. 354 00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:12,900 Where his private part has a little halo above it. 355 00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:17,060 Being Jewish, he would have had the real halo removed, so I suppose that makes sense. 356 00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:20,980 The mohel would have come and removed, taken that halo off. 357 00:20:20,980 --> 00:20:24,020 BILL: It was known as the ring of confidence. 358 00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:25,260 Extraordinary. 359 00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:29,620 How extraordinary. Really? And is that common? GYLES: It's on his member. 360 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:32,420 - Like a sort of angelic Prince Albert. - It's on... 361 00:20:32,420 --> 00:20:34,980 LAUGHTER 362 00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:37,500 - One would assume... - Whatever that may be, possibly. 363 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:40,020 that it is a local pre-Christian cult idea. 364 00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:44,260 I mean, for example, in Nigeria there are parts where it used to be common 365 00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:47,380 as a kind of handshake, in some tribes, to touch the... 366 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:50,020 - The penis... - Don't do it. - ..of the person... 367 00:20:50,020 --> 00:20:52,420 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 368 00:20:52,420 --> 00:20:56,900 I didn't realise that was a possibility, but how interesting! 369 00:20:56,900 --> 00:21:00,540 So... And I'm sure there may well have been some Mayan or Aztec thing... 370 00:21:00,540 --> 00:21:05,140 GYLES: I feel I've seen paintings with animals with halos. 371 00:21:05,140 --> 00:21:08,780 The oxen in the stall of the Nativity, or the donkey on which Christ rode into Jerusalem. 372 00:21:08,780 --> 00:21:11,700 - So donkeys can have them? - Yeah. - Ooh, who's that fella? 373 00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:15,500 - Oh, look, there we are. There's another one. - There's a sparkler. 374 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:19,100 - That's St Denis, the patron saint... - There is a sparkler in his head. 375 00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:22,660 He's got a sparkler on his head as well as a halo on his decapitated head. 376 00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:27,260 St Denis is the patron saint of Paris. And indeed headaches. 377 00:21:27,260 --> 00:21:29,780 It's the same fella, going "I've done it again!" 378 00:21:29,780 --> 00:21:31,660 Yes, it is! It seems to be... 379 00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:36,460 - It's come clean off! I told you! - That's the second time this week. 380 00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:39,780 - I'm so clumsy! - BILL: This keeps happening. 381 00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:42,980 Just swinging the thing around, not thinking... 382 00:21:42,980 --> 00:21:45,060 It's a clumsy barber, isn't it? 383 00:21:45,060 --> 00:21:48,380 "I'll just give a little... Oh, no. Oh, sorry." 384 00:21:48,380 --> 00:21:51,380 "That's why I've got such a long beard - I don't trust myself." 385 00:21:51,380 --> 00:21:54,900 - There's a member of the Chippendales, just looking on. - Exactly! 386 00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:57,900 - Which is always nice. - Lovely. Lovely display. 387 00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,860 What's not to like? 388 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:01,100 - So... - LAUGHTER 389 00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:02,300 Good. Excellent. 390 00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:06,660 When a saint has his head chopped off, his main worry seems to be where to put his halo. 391 00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:10,980 How would you know if you had a shrunken head? Ah. 392 00:22:10,980 --> 00:22:13,820 - I'm going to give you... - LAUGHTER 393 00:22:13,820 --> 00:22:15,180 - Oh! - Oh! - Oh, yeah. 394 00:22:15,180 --> 00:22:16,460 Is it real? 395 00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:19,140 That's my question. How can you tell whether you have 396 00:22:19,140 --> 00:22:20,940 an authentic shrunken head? 397 00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:25,380 Oh, I see. How can you tell if you actually have a shrunken head yourself? 398 00:22:25,380 --> 00:22:27,340 Does it come with a certificate? 399 00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:28,980 ALL TALK AT ONCE 400 00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:30,940 Is one of these real? 401 00:22:30,940 --> 00:22:35,500 What do you know about shrunken...? Where would you get one? There are some real ones. 402 00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:39,300 - Ecuador. - Ecuador is exactly right. This is brilliant. 403 00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:42,780 You're on fire. That is impressive. 404 00:22:42,780 --> 00:22:47,740 - Do you know the name of the tribe? - No. - The Shuar people. - Shuar? - Shuar people. 405 00:22:47,740 --> 00:22:51,820 - They are a clan... - Bush monkeys. - Fish monkeys! 406 00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:55,740 Oh, look, you put this in the back of your car! 407 00:22:55,740 --> 00:23:00,700 - Yes! - So you think this is an early nodding dog? - Yes. 408 00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:04,700 - That feels like horse hair or something to me. - It doesn't feel... 409 00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:09,380 - It smells. - Are they still doing it? - Well, no, not officially. It's against the law. 410 00:23:09,380 --> 00:23:13,020 But in every Ripley's Believe It Or Not! museum, there's at least one. 411 00:23:13,020 --> 00:23:14,900 29, by our count. 412 00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:17,020 Oh, that's lovely! 413 00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:18,900 SCREAM 414 00:23:21,260 --> 00:23:23,500 - How would you do it? - SCREAM 415 00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:25,460 How would you shrink a head? 416 00:23:25,460 --> 00:23:29,700 Put it in the washing machine at a very high heat. 417 00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:35,180 So I mean, it's a normal human head, but it's reduced to the size... 418 00:23:35,180 --> 00:23:38,580 - Those are real size. - You'd have to take all the skin off someone. 419 00:23:38,580 --> 00:23:43,740 You take all the skin off in one go, including the hair. You throw away the skull and the eyes 420 00:23:43,740 --> 00:23:47,660 into a river, if you're Shuar tribe. So you've got the skin, this whole skin. 421 00:23:47,660 --> 00:23:51,820 Then you turn it inside out and you scrape it. 422 00:23:53,060 --> 00:23:54,540 SCREAM 423 00:23:54,540 --> 00:23:55,700 I didn't invent this. 424 00:23:55,700 --> 00:24:00,500 - Get it back the right way, keeping the features as perfect as you can... - Like skinning a rabbit. 425 00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:04,140 Yeah. You bind the lips together, you sew them together, 426 00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:11,500 - and sew the eyelids, right? Then you pop in hot stones and sand. - Mmm. 427 00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:17,140 - To give it shape? - I'm making note of this. - Then you simmer it. 428 00:24:17,140 --> 00:24:20,060 - How long do you simmer it for? - Boiling water. 429 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:23,980 - Gas mark 2, my darling. - Bay leaf? - Yeah. 430 00:24:23,980 --> 00:24:27,500 And then you kipper it, you smoke it, essentially. 431 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:29,860 - Voila. - To what purpose? 432 00:24:29,860 --> 00:24:33,220 They're a pretty ferocious group of people, these Shuar. 433 00:24:33,220 --> 00:24:36,940 - They're the ones who are famous... - Oh! For the man with the molten lava. 434 00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:39,980 Are these the cruellest people in the history of the world? 435 00:24:39,980 --> 00:24:43,340 - They're certainly... - I remember the teacher who taught us this. 436 00:24:43,340 --> 00:24:45,020 He was pretty vicious himself. 437 00:24:45,020 --> 00:24:50,220 - And there was a Spanish general who tried to tame this Shuar tribe... - Yes. 438 00:24:50,220 --> 00:24:55,100 They had the last laugh. They took him, they pulled open his mouth, 439 00:24:55,100 --> 00:25:01,140 they poured molten gold down his gullet until his bowels burst. 440 00:25:01,140 --> 00:25:04,700 - Right. Sounds like a good repayment for his greed for gold. - Indeed. 441 00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:06,540 - That's why they used gold. - Indeed. 442 00:25:06,540 --> 00:25:13,340 - Why are they so unpleasant? - They're the tribe famous for dipping darts in curare, the poison beloved 443 00:25:13,340 --> 00:25:18,300 - of detective writers. - That's the one that gets your central nervous system? - Absolutely. 444 00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:21,260 - They've got lovely hats, though. - It's a good look. 445 00:25:21,260 --> 00:25:25,460 Yours are not human, they are goat or alpaca. 446 00:25:25,460 --> 00:25:28,580 These are available in Ecuador as tourist knick-knacks. 447 00:25:28,580 --> 00:25:30,460 So that's a goat's face? 448 00:25:30,460 --> 00:25:35,940 Goat skin. You can usually tell, one that's done by someone 449 00:25:35,940 --> 00:25:38,580 imitating the tribesmen has lips too neatly sown up. 450 00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:41,820 In the originals, they were pretty basic. 451 00:25:41,820 --> 00:25:43,700 Is it to preserve relatives? 452 00:25:43,700 --> 00:25:47,860 It's a kind of gleeful, joyous, gloating, "I own you." 453 00:25:47,860 --> 00:25:51,020 - Take the spirit out of you. - But it's not a compliment, 454 00:25:51,020 --> 00:25:54,700 - it's not, "Granny's gone, let's keep her at the end of the bed." - Oh, no. 455 00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:58,420 - What do you really think about Uncle Bill, Grandma? - I hated him! 456 00:25:59,940 --> 00:26:03,220 If you hand them back, I've got another little experiment. 457 00:26:03,220 --> 00:26:07,060 I've got something else to give you. All we want you to do, 458 00:26:07,060 --> 00:26:09,300 I'm going to hand you these blank £2 coins. 459 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:13,060 Just try and draw the Queen's head as she is on the coin. 460 00:26:13,060 --> 00:26:14,900 - The Queen's head on the coin? - Yeah. 461 00:26:14,900 --> 00:26:17,420 Is she wearing a crown, is she... An outline. 462 00:26:17,420 --> 00:26:18,980 Which way does she look? 463 00:26:18,980 --> 00:26:20,500 No-one knows. 464 00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:24,140 No, don't ask for help! Oi! 465 00:26:24,140 --> 00:26:27,660 Alan Davies, I'll take points away if you cheat. 466 00:26:27,660 --> 00:26:31,340 How do you think I got through school without asking for help? 467 00:26:31,340 --> 00:26:35,180 - Everyone done? - She looks like Lenny Henry in mine. 468 00:26:35,180 --> 00:26:37,580 Well, that's all right. 469 00:26:37,580 --> 00:26:39,220 OK, done. 470 00:26:39,220 --> 00:26:42,140 Oh, Alan's done. You... 471 00:26:42,140 --> 00:26:44,220 Mine looks like a triceratops. 472 00:26:44,220 --> 00:26:45,740 Let's look at yours there. 473 00:26:45,740 --> 00:26:47,300 LAUGHTER 474 00:26:47,300 --> 00:26:49,420 And yours? Extraordinary. 475 00:26:49,420 --> 00:26:53,100 The point is, you've all, especially Bill, 476 00:26:53,100 --> 00:26:56,180 you've all made the fundamental error that everybody makes 477 00:26:56,180 --> 00:26:59,060 in thinking she faces left. She faces right. 478 00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:01,220 KLAXON 479 00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,980 Yeah, because most people think that. 480 00:27:03,980 --> 00:27:06,540 Sorry, it's too late now. 481 00:27:06,540 --> 00:27:10,180 88% of people think the Queen faces left on her coins. 482 00:27:10,180 --> 00:27:14,860 On every coin that ever was stamped since she was Queen, 483 00:27:14,860 --> 00:27:16,620 it's always face to the right. 484 00:27:16,620 --> 00:27:18,900 - Never ask for help. - Do they take it in turns? 485 00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:21,900 - Did her father face the other way? - Yes. 486 00:27:21,900 --> 00:27:25,620 - And Prince Charles. - He's straight on, with the ears, like that. 487 00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:29,020 They've alternated since Charles II. 488 00:27:29,020 --> 00:27:33,220 But does she not face the other way on the paper money? 489 00:27:33,220 --> 00:27:36,020 No, on the stamp. That's one theory. 490 00:27:36,020 --> 00:27:37,460 Whoa! 491 00:27:37,460 --> 00:27:42,340 One theory as to why 88% of people seem to think she faces left 492 00:27:42,340 --> 00:27:45,860 is because she does on the definitive edition of the stamps. 493 00:27:45,860 --> 00:27:48,100 We're all familiar with that image. 494 00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:51,060 On the other hand, that's true in Denmark, 495 00:27:51,060 --> 00:27:54,660 Queen Margrethe, they also think she faces left, but on the stamp 496 00:27:54,660 --> 00:27:57,980 she looks out, and on the coin she looks to the right. 497 00:27:57,980 --> 00:28:01,740 But if you ask a Dane which way she faces, they will say left. 498 00:28:01,740 --> 00:28:07,220 It's something to do, probably, with right-handedness. We just picture a profile that way. 499 00:28:07,220 --> 00:28:10,900 It's really strange, cos we handle these things every day, 500 00:28:10,900 --> 00:28:15,900 unless you're Gyles, when you have someone to do it for you. 501 00:28:15,900 --> 00:28:18,780 It's bizarre that we just don't notice. 502 00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:22,460 - That's all coins, is it? - All coins with the Queen's head on. 503 00:28:22,460 --> 00:28:25,100 - How long has that been? - Since the beginning of time. 504 00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:28,460 It alternates between monarchs, so her father faced left. 505 00:28:28,460 --> 00:28:29,900 Oh, I see. 506 00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:35,220 And his father, George V, not counting the abdication, 507 00:28:35,220 --> 00:28:36,340 George VI. 508 00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:39,620 If you could get all the coins of all the monarchs together, 509 00:28:39,620 --> 00:28:43,020 alternating monarchs, and could just flick through them, they'd be... 510 00:28:43,020 --> 00:28:46,740 It would. It would be like a tennis match. It'd be exhausting. 511 00:28:46,740 --> 00:28:51,020 So the Queen has always faced to the right on all her British coins of her reign 512 00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:55,980 and yet tests have shown that up to 88% of people draw her facing the other way. 513 00:28:55,980 --> 00:28:58,420 What happens if you try and comb a hairy ball? 514 00:28:58,420 --> 00:28:59,460 Ask Bill. 515 00:28:59,460 --> 00:29:02,340 - LAUGHTER - Ask Bill? 516 00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:05,940 Bill, what happens when you try and comb a hairy ball? 517 00:29:05,940 --> 00:29:08,420 I have a hairy... I have a hairy ball. 518 00:29:08,420 --> 00:29:10,780 - Let's see! - You have to focus. 519 00:29:10,780 --> 00:29:13,300 You have to concentrate and not... 520 00:29:13,300 --> 00:29:15,700 Your hand mustn't slip at any time. 521 00:29:15,700 --> 00:29:16,780 You can't do it. 522 00:29:16,780 --> 00:29:19,860 Well, you can sort of, obviously, have a combing action. 523 00:29:19,860 --> 00:29:22,620 Why would you do this? Why are we combing hairy balls? 524 00:29:22,620 --> 00:29:26,580 Because it's an interesting, mathematical, topographical... 525 00:29:26,580 --> 00:29:28,820 Look at this. It's Don King! Look at that! 526 00:29:28,820 --> 00:29:34,100 Yeah! I just want you to comb it so that it all lies in the same direction, 527 00:29:34,100 --> 00:29:37,420 - perfectly combed. - So you can't actually... It keeps going round 528 00:29:37,420 --> 00:29:40,300 - if you comb a hairy ball. - So you can't actually do it. 529 00:29:40,300 --> 00:29:43,980 There's a mathematical principle. A trichoglyph is bound to occur, 530 00:29:43,980 --> 00:29:45,380 which is like a cowlick, 531 00:29:45,380 --> 00:29:50,420 - like a crown, where... - I see. It all goes into one little bit that'll stick up like that. 532 00:29:50,420 --> 00:29:52,980 Yeah, it twirls. It's actually like a cyclone. 533 00:29:52,980 --> 00:29:57,140 - If it was the earth, it would be a cyclone in... - Mine looks like Anne Robinson. 534 00:29:57,140 --> 00:30:01,380 - There it is on a man's head. - Oh, yeah. I see, right, yeah. 535 00:30:01,380 --> 00:30:04,620 - So it's mathematical. - It's a mathematical thing - you can't... 536 00:30:04,620 --> 00:30:06,980 If it was a doughnut or bagel shape, a torus, 537 00:30:06,980 --> 00:30:11,300 you could comb it all the way round in the same direction without this twirl, 538 00:30:11,300 --> 00:30:13,620 but it's because it's a sphere, you have it. 539 00:30:13,620 --> 00:30:16,380 In theory, every planet, even if it weren't going round, 540 00:30:16,380 --> 00:30:18,740 would have a cyclone, which is what that swirl is. 541 00:30:18,740 --> 00:30:21,140 GYLES: That's why there are no hairy planets. 542 00:30:21,140 --> 00:30:23,420 - No hairy planets. - It's an impossibility. 543 00:30:23,420 --> 00:30:26,340 Yeah. Do you have...? 544 00:30:26,340 --> 00:30:27,940 - Very nice. - Look at that. Wow. 545 00:30:27,940 --> 00:30:29,620 Some people have double crowns. 546 00:30:29,620 --> 00:30:33,260 Your barber says, "You've got a double crown, sir." 547 00:30:33,260 --> 00:30:34,660 Oh! You've combed it... 548 00:30:34,660 --> 00:30:35,980 Oh, no! Alan! 549 00:30:35,980 --> 00:30:40,580 - I'm going to do some trepanning. - Oh, no! 550 00:30:40,580 --> 00:30:43,620 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 551 00:30:43,620 --> 00:30:45,460 Whoa! 552 00:30:46,860 --> 00:30:49,460 And now, to keep thematic, you've got to shrink it. 553 00:30:49,460 --> 00:30:51,580 Yeah! Turn it inside out and scrape it. 554 00:30:51,580 --> 00:30:53,700 I've got the recipe if you want it. 555 00:30:53,700 --> 00:30:56,220 An interesting thing about this cowlick is that 556 00:30:56,220 --> 00:31:01,220 on most people, do you think clockwise or anti-clockwise, most men? 557 00:31:01,220 --> 00:31:03,460 - Clockwise. - Clockwise. - You're right. 558 00:31:03,460 --> 00:31:07,780 Only 8% of men have an anti-clockwise one, 559 00:31:07,780 --> 00:31:12,140 but 30% of gay men have an anti-clockwise one. 560 00:31:12,140 --> 00:31:15,820 Is that a double-bluff, Proustian style? Everybody's combing it round? 561 00:31:15,820 --> 00:31:19,580 You can't... You're born with it - it goes one way or the other from birth. 562 00:31:19,580 --> 00:31:22,060 There's no... You can't force it the other way. 563 00:31:22,060 --> 00:31:27,060 It's almost as if it's a physiological proof, at least a certain percentage of gay people... 564 00:31:27,060 --> 00:31:30,460 - Nature's assigned it. - You and your Conservative Party who go, 565 00:31:30,460 --> 00:31:34,980 "We mustn't have lessons in being gay or it'll turn everyone gay," it's all there in the hair. 566 00:31:34,980 --> 00:31:37,900 This is why most of my friends have double crowns - 567 00:31:37,900 --> 00:31:39,420 cos they're Tommy Two-ways. 568 00:31:39,420 --> 00:31:42,260 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 569 00:31:42,260 --> 00:31:46,020 - It says everything! - Tommy Two-ways! 570 00:31:47,500 --> 00:31:51,620 So, the comb-over, we covered. What is so extraordinary about the comb-over? 571 00:31:51,620 --> 00:31:52,980 Look, that's lovely. 572 00:31:52,980 --> 00:31:54,900 Historically, in America...? 573 00:31:54,900 --> 00:31:56,820 It was patented. 574 00:31:56,820 --> 00:32:00,020 It was patent number 4,022,227 575 00:32:00,020 --> 00:32:04,820 for how to disguise baldness by combing over your hair, so if anybody... 576 00:32:04,820 --> 00:32:06,100 - LAUGHTER - Yeah! 577 00:32:06,100 --> 00:32:08,580 You are in breach of... You will be sued! 578 00:32:08,580 --> 00:32:11,060 Wow! Oh, my God! 579 00:32:11,060 --> 00:32:12,860 Oh, my God! 580 00:32:12,860 --> 00:32:15,940 - APPLAUSE - Oh! 581 00:32:15,940 --> 00:32:19,860 - WOLF WHISTLE - Yeah! - Hey! 582 00:32:19,860 --> 00:32:23,300 - That is some sexy stuff, there. - Can I just say, butch and gay. Mmm. 583 00:32:23,300 --> 00:32:25,780 I'm a Tommy Two-ways. 584 00:32:25,780 --> 00:32:29,900 I can go this way... Actually, I can get it to go all the way round. 585 00:32:29,900 --> 00:32:31,900 Oh, you're a Thelma Three-ways! 586 00:32:31,900 --> 00:32:34,420 LAUGHTER 587 00:32:34,420 --> 00:32:36,020 Oh, you've done it all now. 588 00:32:36,020 --> 00:32:38,500 - That's nice. Over the ear is lovely. - How's that? 589 00:32:38,500 --> 00:32:39,820 Delicate. Delicate. 590 00:32:43,060 --> 00:32:45,100 LAUGHTER 591 00:32:45,100 --> 00:32:48,620 SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello! I'm the constituent for Stornoway. 592 00:32:48,620 --> 00:32:51,940 LAUGHTER 593 00:32:51,940 --> 00:32:56,180 - Oh, heavens above. - SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm the Tory MP... 594 00:32:56,180 --> 00:33:01,300 and homosexuality is a disease. 595 00:33:01,300 --> 00:33:04,060 It can be cured by excessive combing. 596 00:33:04,060 --> 00:33:06,940 LAUGHTER 597 00:33:06,940 --> 00:33:11,140 Out, vile demon! Out, vile demon! 598 00:33:11,140 --> 00:33:12,980 Fabulous. 599 00:33:12,980 --> 00:33:14,940 It's a terrible curse! 600 00:33:14,940 --> 00:33:17,140 APPLAUSE 601 00:33:17,140 --> 00:33:20,260 Right, hand them back. Hand them back. 602 00:33:20,260 --> 00:33:22,820 You...are in trouble. 603 00:33:22,820 --> 00:33:25,260 - Oh, he's in trouble! - Yes, you are. 604 00:33:25,260 --> 00:33:29,260 Now what can you tell me about the Chinese Hula Hoop-la? 605 00:33:29,260 --> 00:33:33,140 I know they do massive demonstrations of it with thousands of people... 606 00:33:33,140 --> 00:33:36,740 Ribbons of various kinds and so on, but there was a particular time... 607 00:33:36,740 --> 00:33:41,420 - What is so famous about the Hula Hoop in our culture, or at least in England? - 1958. 608 00:33:41,420 --> 00:33:46,260 - Tell us about 1958. - Well, in 1957 I got my David Crockett hat. - Right. 609 00:33:46,260 --> 00:33:49,620 In 1958 I got my first Hula Hoop. 610 00:33:49,620 --> 00:33:51,620 - That was the year of the Hula Hoop. - It was. 611 00:33:51,620 --> 00:33:54,660 You should have seen me. I was called Dizzy Hips Gyles. 612 00:33:54,660 --> 00:33:56,460 - Oh, good God... - LAUGHTER 613 00:33:56,460 --> 00:33:59,340 - We all began doing it. - The "all" thing is extraordinary 614 00:33:59,340 --> 00:34:02,540 because it was a one-year thing, it was a HUGE craze. 615 00:34:02,540 --> 00:34:08,460 I mean, we all remember various toy crazes perhaps and game crazes when we were younger, 616 00:34:08,460 --> 00:34:12,060 but this one was THE mother of... 617 00:34:12,060 --> 00:34:14,900 - BANG! - Oh... Sorry. 618 00:34:14,900 --> 00:34:17,100 This one was the mother of them all and... 619 00:34:17,100 --> 00:34:18,740 it...it... 620 00:34:18,740 --> 00:34:22,020 The extraordinary thing was, it disappeared as fast as it came. 621 00:34:22,020 --> 00:34:26,340 And it was a disaster. My uncle put money into it because it was so big 622 00:34:26,340 --> 00:34:31,020 and lost it all. The Hula Hoop, the greatest craze in the history of the world, 623 00:34:31,020 --> 00:34:33,780 actually failed to make any money. 624 00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:36,700 Everyone on the planet owned one and still they lost. 625 00:34:36,700 --> 00:34:40,420 - Particularly the company, Wham-O, who made them... - Maybe the name. 626 00:34:40,420 --> 00:34:43,620 - It still exists, it's a successful company. - They made the Frisbee. 627 00:34:43,620 --> 00:34:45,660 That's the one year they made a loss, 628 00:34:45,660 --> 00:34:49,340 cos despite the fact that millions of people bought a Hula Hoop... 629 00:34:49,340 --> 00:34:52,900 There they are. It ended so quickly. They'd stockpiled, 630 00:34:52,900 --> 00:34:56,020 expecting it to last till Christmas and it completely ended. 631 00:34:56,020 --> 00:34:58,780 I suppose the thing is, they don't really wear out, 632 00:34:58,780 --> 00:35:03,620 - so once you get one, that's it then. - You don't want another one. - What does wear out is the fun. 633 00:35:03,620 --> 00:35:08,140 - And your hips, which degenerate over time. - They should make them out of something else, 634 00:35:08,140 --> 00:35:12,140 - something biodegradable, cheese or something. - Cheese! 635 00:35:12,140 --> 00:35:13,980 Cheese? Brilliant. But in China, 636 00:35:13,980 --> 00:35:16,820 they had a similar fad in the early '90s. 637 00:35:16,820 --> 00:35:18,500 Millions of people bought them 638 00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:20,420 and then there was a hysteria because 639 00:35:20,420 --> 00:35:24,220 there were three people went to hospital with twisted intestines. 640 00:35:24,220 --> 00:35:29,580 They obviously tried to eat them. The Hula Hoop thing was lost in translation! 641 00:35:29,580 --> 00:35:34,180 The Chinese State Media said you should stop Hula Hooping because of... But you're right, 642 00:35:34,180 --> 00:35:36,500 it was nothing to do with Hula Hooping. 643 00:35:36,500 --> 00:35:39,820 - Even old Dizzy Hips Gyles. - Even you never twisted your intestines. 644 00:35:39,820 --> 00:35:43,100 I didn't. I must say, it's difficult to Hula Hoop and it's boring. 645 00:35:43,100 --> 00:35:44,420 It's not. It's nice. 646 00:35:44,420 --> 00:35:47,460 Actually, if you can do it also on your arms... I had three... 647 00:35:47,460 --> 00:35:49,700 - That's a skipping rope. - Is it? You're right. 648 00:35:49,700 --> 00:35:53,540 BILL: Here we go! Now cut live to the hula party! 649 00:35:53,540 --> 00:35:55,300 Ah, that's the hula bit! 650 00:35:55,300 --> 00:35:58,060 This is the home of the hula. This is Hawaii. 651 00:35:58,060 --> 00:36:00,380 This is the dance itself, called the hula. 652 00:36:00,380 --> 00:36:01,900 She knows what she's doing. 653 00:36:01,900 --> 00:36:04,340 A hula is a whole celebratory thing, you have... 654 00:36:04,340 --> 00:36:08,060 That guy's having brain surgery, playing the guitar. 655 00:36:08,060 --> 00:36:09,700 I do love the band, they're great. 656 00:36:09,700 --> 00:36:13,820 They're thinking, "This is the best gig ever! 657 00:36:13,820 --> 00:36:18,180 "Since I joined this band, I've never stopped smiling." 658 00:36:18,180 --> 00:36:21,700 Can you suggest a theory as to why the Hula Hoop was so big in '58? 659 00:36:21,700 --> 00:36:24,580 - Er, post-war optimism. - Mm-hm. 660 00:36:24,580 --> 00:36:26,620 End of rationing. No, it ended mid-'50s. 661 00:36:26,620 --> 00:36:29,540 - There's a thought maybe it was Elvis. - Elvis the pelvis? 662 00:36:29,540 --> 00:36:31,740 It would make you do things with your hips. 663 00:36:31,740 --> 00:36:35,740 - Gyrating. - And there was the whole Hawaiian thing through him as well. 664 00:36:35,740 --> 00:36:37,380 And the Hawaiian thing he liked. 665 00:36:37,380 --> 00:36:41,820 He was not allowed to be filmed below the waist or something. Was that true? 666 00:36:41,820 --> 00:36:46,020 - On television, The Ed Sullivan Show, I believe. - Too sexy for the '50s. 667 00:36:46,020 --> 00:36:48,940 Gyles has the same thing. He's not allowed to display. 668 00:36:48,940 --> 00:36:51,380 Dizzy Hips Brandreth can't bust them out on TV! 669 00:36:51,380 --> 00:36:53,180 He's actually hula-ing right now. 670 00:36:53,180 --> 00:36:54,300 LAUGHTER 671 00:36:54,300 --> 00:36:56,060 Quite subtly, yes. 672 00:36:56,060 --> 00:36:59,820 Which brings us to the unappealing nether regions of our show, 673 00:36:59,820 --> 00:37:02,860 the place that we call General Ignorance. Hands on horns, 674 00:37:02,860 --> 00:37:04,380 if you'd be so kind. 675 00:37:04,380 --> 00:37:07,460 What should you do with your head if you have a nosebleed? 676 00:37:07,460 --> 00:37:10,300 HIP-HIP-HOORAY! 677 00:37:10,300 --> 00:37:11,340 Yes? 678 00:37:11,340 --> 00:37:13,300 You have to answer. 679 00:37:13,300 --> 00:37:14,700 I'm doing it. 680 00:37:14,700 --> 00:37:17,300 You should do that with your head? 681 00:37:17,300 --> 00:37:19,060 - Pressing... - Your lip. 682 00:37:19,060 --> 00:37:22,180 No, pressing the bit below the nose. 683 00:37:22,180 --> 00:37:23,220 No. 684 00:37:23,220 --> 00:37:24,940 Because the nose... 685 00:37:24,940 --> 00:37:28,380 Actually, not worry. A nosebleed won't harm you. 686 00:37:28,380 --> 00:37:32,020 OK, you might stain your clothes. 687 00:37:32,020 --> 00:37:35,020 You might stain your clothes, but a nose bleed is all right. 688 00:37:35,020 --> 00:37:37,140 - You could lie back. - No! 689 00:37:37,140 --> 00:37:39,260 KLAXON 690 00:37:41,460 --> 00:37:43,820 Oh, you're so angry, so competitive, I like it. 691 00:37:43,820 --> 00:37:46,820 - The point is, most people think... - No, I remember this. 692 00:37:46,820 --> 00:37:50,940 - Because, do you know. No! - And you can get it in the lungs. 693 00:37:50,940 --> 00:37:52,060 Worse than that, 694 00:37:52,060 --> 00:37:55,620 this is why I should've remembered this. You lie back, it goes into you, 695 00:37:55,620 --> 00:37:58,220 but you can also have a nosebleed through your eyes. 696 00:37:58,220 --> 00:38:01,620 It is possible to have a nosebleed that comes out of these bits. 697 00:38:01,620 --> 00:38:03,780 - An eyebleed? - Yes, 698 00:38:03,780 --> 00:38:07,020 but it's a misdirected nosebleed. Wrong to call it an eyebleed, 699 00:38:07,020 --> 00:38:10,260 - cos it's coming out from the nose part. - Just tilt your head forward 700 00:38:10,260 --> 00:38:11,940 from now on, love. 701 00:38:11,940 --> 00:38:14,460 So the point is, forwards, not back. 702 00:38:14,460 --> 00:38:19,980 If it lasts longer than 20 minutes, it is very much recommended to seek medical advice. 703 00:38:19,980 --> 00:38:23,900 And if you've caused it from anything other than the most common causes, which would be... 704 00:38:23,900 --> 00:38:26,460 - Bouncy castle. - LAUGHTER 705 00:38:26,460 --> 00:38:29,260 - Classic. - Inevitable. 706 00:38:29,260 --> 00:38:32,580 Another one is being punched in the face. That's one, yep. 707 00:38:32,580 --> 00:38:35,580 That can bring it on. There you are. 708 00:38:35,580 --> 00:38:38,540 That would do it. Tilt your head forward. 709 00:38:38,540 --> 00:38:42,500 - Can you name them? I think that's Larry Holmes and... - Spinks, is it? 710 00:38:42,500 --> 00:38:45,140 Ray Mercer. Merciless Ray Mercer. 711 00:38:45,140 --> 00:38:49,940 There are various others. Blowing your nose too hard, picking it. 712 00:38:49,940 --> 00:38:52,860 Yeah. You shouldn't tilt your head back if you have a nosebleed, 713 00:38:52,860 --> 00:38:56,020 it can be dangerous. Tilt your head forwards and pinch your nose, 714 00:38:56,020 --> 00:38:59,780 then eventually, after 12 minutes or so, it'll clot naturally. 715 00:38:59,780 --> 00:39:02,820 What might happen if you swallow your tongue, however? 716 00:39:02,820 --> 00:39:04,620 HIP-HIP-HOORAY! 717 00:39:04,620 --> 00:39:08,820 Nothing. I don't believe you can swallow your tongue. 718 00:39:08,820 --> 00:39:10,020 Is the right answer. 719 00:39:10,020 --> 00:39:11,500 Absolutely. 720 00:39:11,500 --> 00:39:13,780 APPLAUSE 721 00:39:13,780 --> 00:39:18,500 That sort of busybody person who says, "Lots of hot, sweet tea," 722 00:39:18,500 --> 00:39:21,820 when someone's fainted or had a seizure and say, "Do this," 723 00:39:21,820 --> 00:39:25,660 and they pull the tongue down cos they might swallow, it's nonsense. 724 00:39:25,660 --> 00:39:29,220 - What do they mean then? - It might obstruct an airway, possibly... 725 00:39:29,220 --> 00:39:33,020 - It's very rare. - If you have a bash and you bite it or something... 726 00:39:33,020 --> 00:39:35,460 You can bite it, yeah, but you can't swallow it. 727 00:39:35,460 --> 00:39:38,900 There was literally this idea that it goes backwards, down your throat, 728 00:39:38,900 --> 00:39:41,980 causes you to choke. That cannot happen. And, finally! 729 00:39:41,980 --> 00:39:44,380 Why shouldn't you crack your knuckles? 730 00:39:44,380 --> 00:39:45,940 Ooh. 731 00:39:45,940 --> 00:39:48,180 Can you do lasting damage? 732 00:39:48,180 --> 00:39:50,500 - The bone... - HIS KNUCKLE CRACKS 733 00:39:50,500 --> 00:39:53,020 - Oooh! - Oh, no! 734 00:39:54,260 --> 00:39:57,340 There's a... I think it's an old wives' tale, 735 00:39:57,340 --> 00:40:00,340 that if you do that, it causes arthritis. 736 00:40:00,340 --> 00:40:04,140 Because there was a famous doctor called Dr Unger, 737 00:40:04,140 --> 00:40:07,700 who believed that it did, and for 50 years, this doctor, every day, 738 00:40:07,700 --> 00:40:10,620 cracked the knuckles on his left hand 739 00:40:10,620 --> 00:40:14,060 - and didn't on his right. - But the story is that his mother, 740 00:40:14,060 --> 00:40:17,180 when he was very young, he cracked the knuckles on both hands, 741 00:40:17,180 --> 00:40:21,220 his mother said, "You do that, you'll get arthritis." 742 00:40:21,220 --> 00:40:24,860 And he thought, being of a scientific turn of mind... 743 00:40:24,860 --> 00:40:26,860 - REDNECK VOICE: - You gon' get arthritis! 744 00:40:26,860 --> 00:40:31,340 He thought, "I'll test this by only doing it on the left hand." 745 00:40:31,340 --> 00:40:34,180 I ain't gettin' no arthritis, and I'll show you how! 746 00:40:34,180 --> 00:40:39,380 So he did it on his left hand only, and for 60 years he cracked, 747 00:40:39,380 --> 00:40:43,740 and then he had various tests and there was no suggestion of arthritis 748 00:40:43,740 --> 00:40:46,620 on the left hand more than the right. Apparently he shouted, 749 00:40:46,620 --> 00:40:51,300 - "You were wrong, Mother, you were wrong!" - BILL: "I wasted my life." 750 00:40:51,300 --> 00:40:53,460 - You were wrong! - Well, there we are! 751 00:40:53,460 --> 00:40:56,060 That is indeed the answer. You can't get arthritis 752 00:40:56,060 --> 00:40:58,940 from cracking your knuckles. At worst, you could end up 753 00:40:58,940 --> 00:41:02,980 with a limp handshake, and goodness knows what impression that'll give people(!) 754 00:41:02,980 --> 00:41:06,980 Which handily brings us to the heart of the matter - the scores. 755 00:41:06,980 --> 00:41:09,780 And the winner, who really used his head... 756 00:41:09,780 --> 00:41:12,460 They're two heads, because, ladies and gentlemen, 757 00:41:12,460 --> 00:41:14,820 we have a tie for first place. 758 00:41:14,820 --> 00:41:17,660 On -8, it's Gyles and Sue! 759 00:41:17,660 --> 00:41:20,780 APPLAUSE 760 00:41:28,140 --> 00:41:33,940 Oh, but missing out on a hair's breadth with -12, Bill Bailey! 761 00:41:33,940 --> 00:41:36,700 APPLAUSE 762 00:41:38,900 --> 00:41:43,220 Throwing his hands up in the air on -25, Alan Davies! 763 00:41:43,220 --> 00:41:47,220 APPLAUSE 764 00:41:52,340 --> 00:41:57,100 So all that's left for me is to thank Sue, Gyles, Bill and, of course, Alan. 765 00:41:57,100 --> 00:41:59,820 And I leave you with this. It's an anatomy lesson. 766 00:41:59,820 --> 00:42:04,300 In order to accustom medical students 767 00:42:04,300 --> 00:42:07,980 to the business of getting used to dead human flesh, 768 00:42:07,980 --> 00:42:11,340 an anatomy professor basically said to the class, 769 00:42:11,340 --> 00:42:15,220 "Look, you've got to get used to doing this, I need one of you to come forward." 770 00:42:15,220 --> 00:42:18,220 They were first year. Stood him by the body, said, "Do what I do." 771 00:42:18,220 --> 00:42:21,060 He put his finger up the rectum of this dead body, 772 00:42:21,060 --> 00:42:24,020 like that, and then just sucked it. 773 00:42:24,020 --> 00:42:26,340 - AUDIENCE GROANS - He said, "I know, I know, 774 00:42:26,340 --> 00:42:28,900 "but you've got to learn how to be a doctor." 775 00:42:28,900 --> 00:42:31,660 So this medical student puts the finger up like that. 776 00:42:31,660 --> 00:42:36,460 He said, "The other thing about being a doctor is you must be observant. 777 00:42:36,460 --> 00:42:41,660 "I put my middle finger up the rectum and sucked my index." Thank you and goodbye. 778 00:42:41,660 --> 00:42:44,660 APPLAUSE 779 00:42:56,260 --> 00:42:59,300 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 780 00:42:59,300 --> 00:43:02,340 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk