1 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:25,840 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:28,800 CHEERING AND WHISTLING 3 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,680 Well! 4 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,600 He...llo, there! 5 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,600 Hello, there, hello, there, hello 6 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,800 and welcome to QI, 7 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,160 where tonight we'll be looking at all manner of hoaxes, hokum, 8 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:42,600 hucksters and hogwash 9 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,960 and to help or more likely hinder us, 10 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,480 a veritable horde of hornswogglers. 11 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:51,400 With ten top tips to increase your manhood, it's Sean Lock. 12 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,200 - APPLAUSE - Thank you. 13 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,960 And joining him, 14 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:01,320 the esteemed president of the Bank of Nigeria, Danny Baker. 15 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:02,840 APPLAUSE 16 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:09,920 By his side, professor of hoaxology at the university of the internet, 17 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,960 David Mitchell. APPLAUSE 18 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,840 And believe it or not, Alan Davies. 19 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,560 APPLAUSE 20 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,720 Now, in keeping with our theme tonight, 21 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,040 one of our buzzers is a hoax, 22 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:35,560 so see if you can tell me which one of these buzzing calls is not the mating call of a deer. 23 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,360 Sean goes... DEEP ROARING NOISE 24 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,880 Danny goes... ROARING 25 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,560 David goes... 26 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:47,000 AGONISED ROARING 27 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:51,840 And Alan goes... 28 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:54,640 - SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "Hullo, dear!" 29 00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:01,400 Now, starting as we mean to go on, we've actually hidden... 30 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:04,000 - Is it Alan's? - Yes, well done. 31 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,520 I thought it was Danny's. I was going to say Danny's, right up to... 32 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,800 Now listen, you've got hoax cards here, jokers to play, 33 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:15,960 because, in keeping with the theme, there will be one question which is a hoax. 34 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,320 You play your hoax card and you get extra points. 35 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,720 If you play it and it isn't a hoax, you lose points, 36 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:27,720 but don't have your hoax cards unspent at the end of the game. 37 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:30,800 - What happens? - Well, I'm not going to tell you. 38 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,560 Can we play them more than once? 39 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:36,840 Er, you could, possibly... No. 40 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:41,840 - Oh. - I don't think this format has been worked out in enough detail. 41 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:46,040 You should have decided whether we can play them more than once, that's crucial. 42 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,040 I was being generous, it was foolish. 43 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,280 For the pilot of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, 44 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:54,360 did somebody go, "And if we get one wrong, that's OK, is it?" "Yeah, that's OK. 45 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,120 "Oh, hang on." 46 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,200 How many lives do we get? 47 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,520 Can you just do it or do you have to say something? 48 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,040 You could say, "That's a hoax," that would count. 49 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,960 - You can't just go, "I did that, you just didn't see it." - No. 50 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:13,360 You have to make it manifest. Oh, God, I had no idea this whole thing would be so complicated. 51 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:18,840 I don't know about you, but I'm doing it on the first question, then none of us lose out. 52 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,560 If we all do it, we all lose points and then it's just done. 53 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,560 LAUGHTER 54 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,080 We don't have to spend the show going, 55 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:32,000 "Use my hoax card?" What do you reckon, guys? You in for that? 56 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,760 We're all going to say yes, but we're all going to not really do it. 57 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:41,160 - It's game theory. - I might use it, but when I'm using it, it might be a hoax. 58 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,400 Oh, no! 59 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,680 I can see I've made a terrible rod for my own back here. 60 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,040 Well, erm, anyway, let's see what happens. 61 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:53,320 There's some characters behind me, shifty looking characters. 62 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,800 What were they up to last night? 63 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,520 This isn't a hoax. 64 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,560 They were all definitely up to something last night. 65 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,840 - Thank God we didn't do that plan. - LAUGHTER 66 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,160 Were they cottaging? They were cottaging. 67 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,120 LAUGHTER Sean Lock! 68 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,680 They were all out cottaging, it was a really touch night's cottaging, 69 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,320 and they go, "We need a pint after that." 70 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,640 They were brewing. 71 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,080 They were up all night making a picnic table. 72 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,600 LAUGHTER 73 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,760 Before you get too insulting, they're in the studio tonight. 74 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,680 I just thought I'd warn you. 75 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:31,760 - DANNY: - They were winning the Mr Handsome contest. - That's more like it. 76 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,680 Were they harming horses? 77 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,280 You know when people harm horses, slash horses? 78 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:41,000 - No! - Do they slash...? - But it was a night-time covert activity, like slashing horses. 79 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,840 - Goats. They were slashing goats. - No. Let's... 80 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:48,040 Let's assume we wouldn't invite into the studio people who maim animals. 81 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,760 Were they pretending to be gas men 82 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,560 and thereby stealing the property of aged people? 83 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,320 LAUGHTER 84 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,160 No. If I told you that this was in Wiltshire, would that help? 85 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,320 Cathedral stealing. 86 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,120 LAUGHTER 87 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,360 Grave robbing. Grave robbing's always... 88 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,000 They drew something rude on Stonehenge. 89 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,920 - They drew something rude on Stonehenge. - Crop circles! - Oh, Alan, well done. 90 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,840 Crop circles. Absolutely right. APPLAUSE 91 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,200 There they are. 92 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,760 The equipment needed for crop circling, a plank with rope, 93 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,840 but what was the crop circle we commissioned them? 94 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:29,000 - A QI symbol. - A QI crop circle and they did it for us 95 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,880 - and it's rather impressive. - QI is run by aliens. 96 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,480 - Would you like to see it? - I certainly would. 97 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:39,040 - Well, let's have it. We went to the expense of having a travelling aerial shot. - Oh! 98 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,840 MUSIC: "The Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner. 99 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:46,360 - What do you think of that? - Hoax! 100 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,920 - We did! - That's real? It looks like the Led Zeppelin cover. 101 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,280 Oh, you've failed, I'm afraid, it was real. 102 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:57,680 Almost within half an hour of it being completed and the dawn rising, 103 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,120 we were contacted by people... 104 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,840 Someone wanted to know, "Is it real or is it man-made?" 105 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,400 To which the answer is... Er, both. 106 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,560 I ask that about sandwiches all the time. 107 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:16,400 But it's a rather marvellous example of a breed of phenomenon 108 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,680 that has been going since when? 109 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:24,560 - Is the farmer here tonight? - We recompensed the farmer. It doesn't actually do much damage. 110 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,480 How many mice were frightened in the making of that? 111 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,680 - We can't tell. - I bet this is older than we suspect. 112 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,600 - It's actually very recent. - Is it? - It is, really, yeah. 113 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:38,160 - '80s? - Well, '70s it began and it got more and more refined. 114 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,560 - There was a man called... - Like Pizza Express. 115 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,320 There were a couple called... Yeah. 116 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:49,040 Doug Bower and Dave Chorley admitted that they'd been responsible for almost all of the crop circles. 117 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,360 They used to be on the news every summer. 118 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,840 There would be aerial shots 119 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:56,360 and people called cereologists believed these were the work 120 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,440 of people from outer space 121 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,840 or from magnetic forces from ley lines, all kinds of nonsense. 122 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,920 They'd do things like they'd do a crop circle and leave a couple of scorch marks, 123 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:10,480 from where the engine blasts off back into space. 124 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,360 Where are our three here? Is that John Lundberg? 125 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,840 There you are. There's John. 126 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,400 Can you tell me how you did yours? 127 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,360 What's the most technological item you need? 128 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,680 We need a stalk stomper, which is a plank of wood and a loop of rope 129 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,200 that you put under your foot to flatten the crop 130 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,920 and to mark out the design, you use surveyor's tape, 131 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,680 so they're very simple techniques and very simple tools. 132 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,800 What about your spaceship? What spaceship do you use? 133 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:41,640 I'm saving up for one but the fee I got for this, it's going to take a while. 134 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,600 So how many do you do a year in the season? 135 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,600 Er, we don't say how many we make, 136 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,000 but we've made hundreds over the years. 137 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:56,240 And are there still those who refuse to believe that it's all hoaxers like you? 138 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,600 - They've been ringing your production office. - That's right. 139 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:04,000 Are there people who've ever thought that graffiti on train lines was done by aliens? 140 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,480 - It's as logical. - Yeah. 141 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,600 - Well, the lines in the Nazca Desert, which are... - Very good. 142 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:14,320 The Nazca Lines, which they say can only be seen from space, which is not true. There they go. 143 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:17,080 - SEAN: - Yeah, we can see them from here. 144 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,200 LAUGHTER 145 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:24,000 The great fraud Von Daniken who wrote Chariots Of The Gods and all those books in the early '70s, 146 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,080 he said they were runways for ancient space crafts. 147 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:31,880 And Carl Sagan said, "Hang on, these people come millions of light years across the universe, 148 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,400 "and they need runways? What, are they in B-52s?" 149 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:36,920 What do they need runways for? 150 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:41,920 I've been there, what's extraordinary about that place, it's one of the driest places on the planet, 151 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:45,120 in Southern Peru, just above the Atacama Desert, 152 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,840 and because of this man Daniken, 153 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:50,640 people came from far and wide on motor bikes and they churned the place up. 154 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,680 Some of these are only about 10 centimetres deep, the lines, 155 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:57,520 and they've stayed like that simply because it hasn't rained for decades, 156 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,600 and centuries in some parts in that part of South America. 157 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:04,960 So every line you can see around there is some hippy who's gone. 158 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,760 It's now banned, going there, but they're splendid. 159 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,400 If they're not very deep and they've stayed because it doesn't rain, 160 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,800 maybe the people who made them didn't want them to stay that long, 161 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,120 they were just pissing around and would be rather embarrassed. 162 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:22,960 The same way as, you know, if you were on the beach at night, bit pissed, you write the word "dick". 163 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:27,040 Imagine you went back 2,000 years later and it was still there, 164 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:30,640 you'd be mortified. People were sort of worshipping it. 165 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,680 LAUGHTER 166 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:35,800 That's absolutely right. 167 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,720 - John Lundberg, thank you very much indeed. - Thank you. 168 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:40,640 There you are. 169 00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:45,280 In the States, it's quite popular, not as popular as here, 170 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:49,080 - but the second biggest crop in the States is marijuana after corn. - Really? 171 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,280 Yeah, in America. 172 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,480 In certain states in America, there are huge areas of it. 173 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,280 It's very difficult to know how to get rid of it. Sorry? 174 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,000 The cauliflower is in decline. 175 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,240 Is it? I like cauliflower. 176 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,640 - I love cauliflower. - If you wanted to please me, 177 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,520 - make me a cauliflower cheese and I'd be a happy person. - Very well. - Thank you. 178 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:11,000 It's gone down from 33,000 acres to 28,000 acres in Britain. 179 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,400 Really? Very good! 180 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,880 - Has there been a decline in demand for cauliflower? - Yeah. 181 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,600 - People are stupid, aren't they? - They are stupid. 182 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:26,000 They don't know how to cook it, they think it doesn't taste of anything because they boil it and it doesn't. 183 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,960 Also, if you break off a bit of cauliflower and look at it. 184 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:33,360 - A floret. - A floret, it looks like a tiny albino tree. - It does! 185 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:34,960 I so agree. 186 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:39,160 If you're on a low-carb diet, you can mash it and it's a good substitute for mash. 187 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,000 - SEAN: - I do it, I like to do it. 188 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:45,080 I like to do it in a bin with loads of other rubbish all round it. 189 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:49,360 And it all piles up round there and then you leave it out 190 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,600 and the magical men take it away in a van. 191 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:54,360 - LAUGHTER - I've never opened the fridge and gone, 192 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,600 "Oh, there's a cauliflower in there!" 193 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:01,480 I've always opened it and gone, "Christ, there's a cauliflower in there, we have to cook it." 194 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,560 There's always the bin. 195 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,360 - DAVID: - That's how I react to a rat. 196 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,240 "Oh, Christ, we're going to have to cook it." 197 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,760 I do like it, but it's a pain. It's a pain in the neck, isn't it? 198 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:15,480 I don't think I've ever seen how it grows, is it the centre of a plant? 199 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,160 - What, cauliflower? - Yeah. 200 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:21,280 You are an urban boy. Could we have one conversation, rather than three? 201 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,400 - LAUGHTER - You have to cook it twice? 202 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:27,720 You have to cook it twice! Cauliflower? You have to... 203 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:32,360 You cook it, boil it, then put it in another dish and cook it again with the sauce. 204 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:33,680 It's a nightmare. 205 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,480 - LAUGHTER - It's such a demanding vegetable. 206 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:42,360 It just wants so much, it's all about time. It wants to spend time with you before you eat it. 207 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,200 Well, thank you, Nigella. 208 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,520 LAUGHTER 209 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:50,120 Anyway, yes, far from being proof of a more intelligent life form, 210 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,720 crop circles can be made using a plank of wood, some rope, 211 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,760 a couple of coat hangers. 212 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:59,360 But conversely, would you believe that they put a man on the moon? 213 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,000 - Who? - NASA. 214 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,600 Oh. NASA. Yes, I believe so. 215 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,640 - You believe that? - I believe it, yes. 216 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,960 Good. That's all. That's the end of the question, really. 217 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:15,560 - But you probably know that a lot of people don't believe it. - I sort of believe one thing. 218 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,320 - Uh-oh! - Yeah? 219 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:22,680 I kind of believe that they might have done some mocked-up fake photographs. 220 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:23,880 Really? Why? 221 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:27,040 Because someone convinced me of it... 222 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:32,200 - Yeah? - ..by talking about the angle of light and the shadows. 223 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,600 But then I did an advert with Patrick Moore, 224 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,560 and I said, "So, Patrick, did they land on the moon?" and he looked so annoyed. 225 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:42,280 He explained how he had helped map the moon for NASA 226 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,640 and the landing site was partly his idea 227 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,680 and if I ever spoke to him again, he was going to be sick in my eyes. 228 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,040 It... They are rather tired of... 229 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,280 Buzz Aldrin might have punched you. 230 00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:03,000 - Buzz Aldrin punched someone... - Did he? - ..because he got so tired of these conspiracy arses. 231 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:06,040 Actually, I think it was a television documentary about... 232 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,400 There have been several. 233 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,640 "This photo couldn't possibly have been taken on the moon. 234 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,720 "It was obviously taken in a studio." 235 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:16,840 You've got me started now but there are a lot of conspiracies. 236 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,680 6% of Americans believe that man didn't land on the moon 237 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:25,120 but 25% of Britons believe that they didn't, a quarter of our nation. 238 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:28,560 - So we're... - Not convinced, apparently. - That's so depressing. 239 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,320 The flag. It's one of the things I read... 240 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,960 The flag is another thing, yes. There it is. 241 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:38,480 Well, obviously, they've starched the flag so they could get a good photograph of it. 242 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,000 They haven't stiffened it. It's rumpled. 243 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,720 There's no breath of wind out there, obviously, cos you're in space, 244 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:45,880 which is a vacuum. 245 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:51,080 What there is, is movement. If you impart movement to something, it doesn't stop for a long time. 246 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:55,560 There's no resistance against it. So they unfurled it and it moved back and forth. 247 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,640 People said, "Ah! Breeze!" 248 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,600 As if, A - they would be stupid enough to fake it 249 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:04,520 and allow the take that had the breeze in it to go out. 250 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,040 But if you went to the moon, 251 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,200 the least you'd expect is a flag moving a bit strangely. 252 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,600 You know what I mean? 253 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,840 You're expecting to meet the Soup Dragon. "OK, he's not there." 254 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,240 The flag moves a bit strangely... I can go with that. 255 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,080 Why isn't one of them holding up a camera? 256 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:26,360 The one taking the picture is reflected in the visor of the other and he's not holding a camera. 257 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:32,160 - Like that, you see. - Ah. - That's because they didn't put the camera up in front of their visor. 258 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:36,360 - They were mounted. - You couldn't imagine them getting a camera out. 259 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,880 Click, winding it on with gloves... 260 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:44,640 I will just say though, in defence of the people who suspect there might be something afoot, 261 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:49,600 - the track record of the American government in terms of deceiving its population... - Yes! 262 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:54,240 - ..isn't great. - Ah, but... - If you were a little bit dubious, I wouldn't blame you. - No, Alan, 263 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:58,840 400,000 people were employed on this thing, plus the 12 astronauts, 264 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,960 and if the Americans have a bad record on doing covert things, 265 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,280 but a worse record on getting found out. 266 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,720 The president can't keep a secret of where his penis is! 267 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,160 Do you seriously think that they would...? 268 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,240 Look at Clinton there, you know. 269 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:16,040 If they can't even keep a secret of banging an intern in the White House... 270 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:20,240 Well, no. And of course, in the old days, she would have just disappeared. 271 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,320 LAUGHTER 272 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,600 But she didn't, and we know what Kennedy got up to, it's just... 273 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,560 I tell you one thing, I think NASA killed Michael Jackson. 274 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,120 - That's a fact. - Right. 275 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:34,040 I do, I believe they killed him because he died last summer, yeah? 276 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,840 He died in about July last year. 277 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:42,200 He died the same week... It was the anniversary of the initial moon landing, of the first moon walk, 278 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,560 right? 279 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:47,920 - LAUGHTER - They resent the fact that anytime anyone puts "moon walk" into Google, 280 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:51,560 it comes up with him sliding backwards with a hat on. 281 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:56,360 And not the billions they spent going up to do a moon walk. 282 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,480 They hated that and they killed him. 283 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,120 LAUGHTER 284 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,720 And I believe that's a fact. 285 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:04,960 I don't think NASA would get organised to kill him, 286 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,280 but I think it might have been Buzz. 287 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,200 Cos he's clearly a very angry man. 288 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,640 He's gone to the moon, it was pointless. 289 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,200 People don't believe he went there. 290 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,200 It was pointless. 291 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,240 Of course he's going to kill someone. 292 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,520 LAUGHTER 293 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:26,000 - I'd like to go to the moon. - Would you? - I'd love to do that. 294 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:30,800 Two other things, in case people are saying, "You haven't mentioned the clincher." 295 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:35,720 One was the idea that below the lunar module that landed 296 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,800 there was no crater or sense of disturbed dust. 297 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,880 The fact is, the engines cut off and it hovered down 298 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,760 and it very quickly landed. 299 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,720 And unlike in science fiction films, 300 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,080 it doesn't send out spears of flame as it descends. 301 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,440 That just didn't happen. 302 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:54,240 And because it was designed by geniuses 303 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:59,400 and not people tapping away at the internet who've got to go to work in the morning. Who do you trust? 304 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,280 We are in trouble as a species 305 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:05,040 if people refuse to believe in things they couldn't actually do themselves. 306 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,280 So true! That's so true. The other one was the footprints. 307 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,440 "There's too much moisture because look how clear they are, 308 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,600 "only caked mud could do that." 309 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,920 But you can do that with flour. It's very fine ground 310 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,200 and it's a vacuum again, it coheres. 311 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:25,640 And the other thing with the mirrors that Apollo 12 astronauts put on the moon, 312 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,760 which are now used for bouncing lasers off 313 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:31,280 for detecting, for example, how far the moon is away from us. 314 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,960 You can make incredibly accurate measurements 315 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,400 because of mirrors on the surface of the moon. 316 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,880 Perhaps for me the clinching one is that America's enemy at the time, 317 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:46,560 in the space race, was the Soviet Union and not once did they suggest that America hadn't done it. 318 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,560 - They never said, "No, we know this was hoax." - Yeah. 319 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,200 The fact is, for every ill-conceived argument 320 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:56,400 that the moon landings were a hoax, there's an explanation to put our minds at rest. 321 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,240 Now for something closer to home. 322 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,920 How would you make your house the most famous house in Britain? 323 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,200 - That's easy. - Yeah? 324 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:08,320 You murder lots and lots of people, dismember them 325 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,240 and bury them in the garden. 326 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:15,040 - That... - Marry the Queen. 327 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,520 - You marry the Queen... - Yes? 328 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,640 ..and you say, "No, love, you're not living in those palaces any more." 329 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,520 You're living in 3 Ironside Crescent, Carlisle. 330 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:28,000 OK. Those would work. Those would work. 331 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,480 Some sort of spectacular suicide? 332 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:36,800 - Mmm... - I suppose the murdering people would work better which I think is sad. 333 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:40,800 - But this... - Like in the film Up, you tie loads of balloons and your house goes... 334 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,320 Oh, that would be sweet. 335 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,680 This was a bet that took place in 1810 336 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:47,640 between Samuel Beasley and Theodore Hook, 337 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:53,480 that Hook could make any house he chose the most famous residence in London 338 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,680 in one week. 339 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,480 He had a week in which to do it. 340 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:59,160 He prepared over the week, 341 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,200 - but it all happened in one day. - I've heard of this. - Yeah? 342 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,680 He started ordering goods, all kinds of different goods. 343 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,880 4,000 different tradesmen and services 344 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,480 in all the commercial directories all over London. 345 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,360 He ordered chimney sweeps. 346 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,960 First thing in the morning, there were 12 chimney sweeps arriving. 347 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,840 And then more and more and more and more arrived. 348 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,640 It became absolutely gigantic. 349 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:25,880 12 coal carts, there were cake makers, doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, lawyers, 350 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,360 - priests... - We've all done this, haven't we? 351 00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:31,480 ..hat makers, haberdashers, boot makers, butcher's boys, 352 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:32,880 a dozen pianos arrived. 353 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:37,360 The governor of the Bank of England turned up to see what the fuss was about. 354 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,440 It was in Berners Street, just north of Oxford Street, 355 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,760 and er... There it is. 356 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:47,920 - That sign doesn't fit that bit of wall. - It doesn't really. 357 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,280 I suppose if they put it the way it would, 358 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:54,200 - you'd have to read it in portrait... - It's back to the drawing board. 359 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:58,000 - They've got that all wrong. - Or just chill out about the whole thing. 360 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:02,200 - You'd have folded it round, mate. - Yeah, that'd be nice. 361 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,440 HE CHUCKLES 362 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,800 - So it's like going on the internet and ordering the lot? - Yes. 363 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,160 - I'll have everything. - Exactly. 364 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,360 And the poor woman, whose name was Mrs Tottenham, was besieged. 365 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,720 - So he didn't live there? - No! He chose... 366 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:20,440 He just chose this house. That was the point of the bet. 367 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,600 "I can make that house, 54 Berners Street, 368 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,600 "the most famous house in London." 369 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,400 - They used to have great bets. - People don't make bets like that any more. 370 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,920 In the Regency period, in the early 19th century, 371 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:35,520 particularly in the clubs, Brooks's and White's in St James's - staggering bets. 372 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,960 £3,000 bet between Lord Alvanley and a friend of his, 373 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,880 on which raindrop would get to the bottom of the... 374 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:45,440 And £3,000 in those days was... It's almost impossible to imagine. 375 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,920 You could have a servant for £10 a year. 376 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:53,120 You know? So, I mean, £3,000 is an estate, it's a country house with thousands of acres. 377 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,520 This is how bored people were before television. 378 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,600 Basically. 379 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,840 Theodore Hook bet a man called Beasley 380 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,720 that he could make 54 Berners Street the most famous house in London. 381 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:09,080 What conclusion did the great biologist Stephen Jay Gould draw 382 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,040 from a lifetime's study of fish? 383 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,520 - Oh. - Yeah? - They haven't got any legs. 384 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,600 Is that his lifetime's study? 385 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:23,400 - No. It wasn't a study of - a - fish. 386 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,640 - He was... - "After a while, they smell." 387 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,920 He was a bit thick and he just stared at them and went, "They haven't got any legs." 388 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:35,720 Starfish don't have brains. It's the Louis Walsh of the aquatic world. 389 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,280 They don't have brains, they're starfish. 390 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,640 And they're not really fish, to be honest. 391 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:43,920 The word fish is in there, which qualifies them, I think. 392 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,600 Is a starfish a fish? Is a jellyfish a fish? 393 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,520 Is a cuttlefish a fish? 394 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,000 - Is a seahorse a horse? - But the starfish... 395 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,320 There's a division, isn't there, in the world 396 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:57,640 whether it should be down to experts in biology whether things are fish 397 00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,720 or whether it should be down to menus? 398 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:04,400 - Yes! - For example, a crayfish comes under fish on a menu... 399 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,920 He looks like he's reading the sell-by date on that fish. 400 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,680 - The small print. Is that him? - Yes, he's dead now. 401 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,960 He won the Nobel Prize, he was a palaeontologist and a biologist 402 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:19,320 - and he came to the conclusion, which is? - They can feel no love. - No, that they... 403 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,360 That there is no such thing as a fish. 404 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:24,880 Fish has no biological meaning. 405 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,560 - There is just... - So I'm absolutely right. Go with menus. 406 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:33,080 But on a menu a fish is not the same as shellfish or seafood, is it? 407 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,080 It often comes in the same bit and separate from puddings. 408 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,680 - Things that live in the sea. - Fish and pudding are different. 409 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,800 How can something not be something? 410 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,560 Something can't be not be not something. 411 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:49,280 If you've created a something, then something has to be that something 412 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,600 otherwise you haven't created a something, 413 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,400 so it has to be a fish if there is the idea of fish in the first place. 414 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,600 I swear there's a philosophy lecturer somewhere who said... 415 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,800 That's an ontological argument. Of course, we use the word fish. 416 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:09,400 But biologically speaking, a salmon is more related to, say, a camel 417 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,800 than it is to a hagfish. 418 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,880 Like, there are lots of things that fly. 419 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:17,080 A bumblebee flies, a vulture flies and there are flying lizards. 420 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,960 They're not all birds 421 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,040 but we call things that swim in the sea fish 422 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,800 and actually, biologically, evolutionarily, 423 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,080 they have absolutely nothing to do with each other at all. 424 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,840 They are more closely related to us than to each other. 425 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:36,400 - A friend of mine claims to be allergic to all seafood and fish. - Right. 426 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:37,720 Is that possible? 427 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,480 Freshwater as well as seawater? 428 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:45,120 Yes, so everything from a prawn via plankton to a trout is a no-go area, 429 00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,480 he says, and I think he's just fussy! 430 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,680 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 431 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:53,160 Some people say, "Oh, no, I'm terribly allergic to shellfish", 432 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,240 then order scallops cos they don't know it's shellfish. 433 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,880 They eat it and they're fine. 434 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:02,480 Nobody ever says they're allergic to starters, do they? 435 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,880 What do elasmobranchs taste like? 436 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:12,560 It's basically sharks and things like that...and rays. Manta rays and things like that. 437 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,040 Rays can be very tasty. 438 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:17,040 - Oh, yeah. Skates. - Skates, lovely. 439 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:21,000 Skates with black butter and capers - wow! Stop it at once! 440 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,200 So after a lifetime's study of fish, 441 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,680 biologist Stephen Jay Gould concluded there was no such thing as a fish. 442 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:32,720 And while we're at it and under the sea, how many fish are there in this photograph? 443 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:37,360 That's got to be a trick question by the way you set that up. 444 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:38,800 Oh, yes... 445 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,880 Well, given that there's no such thing as fish... 446 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,640 CLAXON SOUNDS 447 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,320 APPLAUSE 448 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:52,400 That's so unfair! 449 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:56,360 Stephen Gould, where are you when I need you? 450 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,240 Deeply unfair. 451 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,880 - Well, you see that shell on the right... - Yes. 452 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:05,200 ..along the top of it is a long, fish-like thing with an eye... 453 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,560 that's actually part of the shell. 454 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:11,040 This mussel actually makes a thing that looks like a fish so that another fish 455 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:17,880 comes along and its own parasitic larvae explode into the fish and live in its gills 456 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:22,160 and are dispersed and grow. We've got some film of it. This is it. 457 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,720 The two eyes of this thing that looks like a fish... 458 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:29,120 - Ew! - ..and this puff of larvae go off into a fish that looks like it might be a tasty morsel, 459 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:32,640 but it's just bits of flesh that have grown up on the top of the... 460 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,600 - That's clever. - It's very clever. 461 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:40,680 There was just one fish, the other example was of animal mimicry deployed by the broken-rays mussel. 462 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,000 So from one skilled hoaxer to another... 463 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,320 What did Nostradamus get right? 464 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,200 The hat. The hat. He got the hat right. The hat's good. 465 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:53,120 The big, big mistake - the green coat with the brown hat. 466 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:55,040 It's crazy. The hat looks cool. 467 00:25:55,040 --> 00:26:00,200 - Who is he? - Have you not heard of Nostradamus? - I've heard of him. I've no idea where he lived. 468 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:04,960 His name was Michel de Nostredame. He lived from 1503 to 1566. 469 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,520 He was a Provencal apothecary 470 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:12,480 and he did many things, including writing hundreds of quatrains, 471 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:14,000 these four-line verses. 472 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:15,760 Were they deliberately obtuse? 473 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,800 I'm aware there'll be headlines on it, 474 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,760 but why were they so obscure? 475 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,840 He was a mystic and I suppose he... Who knows? He got drugged up 476 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:26,160 and he just wrote down a four-line verse of whatever he saw. 477 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,040 - He was a chemist. - An apothecary. 478 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:30,840 - He had access to all kinds of crazy hooch. - Exactly. 479 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:34,800 - So he published a book of, essentially, gibberish. - Yes. 480 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,960 - And a lot of idiots... - Because even the people now 481 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,680 who said, "That predicts Hitler or that predicts 9/11," 482 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,600 would think, if you'd bought that in 1530, 483 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,440 that's not good value for money 484 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,000 because all the things it's predicting won't happen for ages 485 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,000 and so what it is, then, is nonsense. 486 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:58,560 In fact, it's only ever any use to predict something just after it's happened. 487 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,600 Yes, because then people go, "Wow." 488 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:04,360 But one thing he did do that is genuine and this was the question, 489 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:07,000 is he did a fantastic recipe for cherry jam. 490 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,560 He read other books and one of the books he read was about jams. 491 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:14,400 And his cherry jam recipe, we are assured today, 492 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:17,200 - is still as good as it ever was. - Really? 493 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:21,680 That is the thing Nostradamus did that is provably, demonstrably and repeatedly true. 494 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,480 He also made aphrodisiac jams 495 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:26,160 made of sparrows' brains and all that sort of thing. 496 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:30,920 - But generally speaking his cherry jam... - Was a triumph. - It's something he got right. 497 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,120 - I might make some jam... - Yeah. 498 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:38,160 - Why not? - Know what you need? Fruit. - Sugar. - And sugar. - Pectin. 499 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:39,560 No, I'm not going to make nice jam. 500 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,720 - Fair enough. What sort of jam are you going to make? 501 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,560 - Horrible jam. - There could be a market in that. 502 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,240 - Cinnamon sticks... - Sean's horrible jam. 503 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,200 You don't know what I've put in this stuff. 504 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,280 It's up to you. Lottery jam, I call it. 505 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:55,120 Sean's Bingo Jam! 506 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,520 One jar in every hundred is AMAZING! 507 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,840 The rest of the time, it's instant vomit as soon as you open it. 508 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:09,480 Anyway, yes, when Nostradamus wasn't predicting stuff, 509 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:13,000 he was busy compiling a rather excellent collection of jam recipes. 510 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:17,480 - Now? - Who's the most famous person to have been beaten... Hello? 511 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,240 Do you think that's a massive hoax? 512 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:21,360 Yeah. Hoax. 513 00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:24,120 JINGLE PLAYS Oh! You're wrong. 514 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:25,480 Oh. 515 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:28,680 Davies, you idiot! 516 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:32,120 That was entirely true. David's... Got your's left, you've... 517 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:34,520 - No, I did mine. - Oh, well. Anyway. 518 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,680 It was too late, the question had finished. 519 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,520 No! No, no, no. 520 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:41,600 - It was too late. - You stopped me. 521 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:45,840 So who was the most famous person to be beaten by a machine at chess? 522 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:49,280 - You get double points if you can name the machine. - Me. 523 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:52,400 - Are you the most famous person? - Yeah, I got beaten by a Hoover. 524 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,360 - Is that right? - Yes. 525 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:59,160 Somebody left it on and it moved the pieces around and it still beat me. 526 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,320 That's how bad I am at chess. 527 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,760 The key thing in the question is not most famous chess grand master. 528 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:10,600 - It could be Marilyn Monroe or... - It's not a famous chess player? 529 00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:13,120 No. Very well worked out. 530 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:14,480 - There is... - The Queen. 531 00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:18,640 - Garry Kasparov, the great grand master... - He lost to... - Deep Blue. 532 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:22,080 - But that wasn't... - The Queen is the most famous person in the world. 533 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:23,840 Did she lose to a ZX80? 534 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,880 This was someone who was more famous than the Queen in his day 535 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,320 and was bigger than a Queen, as it were! 536 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:30,880 Had a higher rank than queen. 537 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:31,920 Jesus. 538 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:34,680 Jesus...? 539 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:37,040 Jesus isn't really a rank. 540 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:39,160 He's famous, though, Jesus. 541 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:40,640 - It's a rank. - "I am Jesus." 542 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,720 - "I outrank you!" - He's more famous than the Queen, though. 543 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:46,680 - Yes, that's true. - You can't handle the truth. 544 00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:51,320 Jesus Plays Chess sounds like an indie band 545 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:52,600 or it will be. 546 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,400 - Napoleon. - Napoleon is the right answer. 547 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,520 Do you know what the machine might have been? Famous in its day. 548 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:03,480 - Was it some sort of clever wind-up automaton? - It was an automaton 549 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,320 and it was unbelievably clever. 550 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,320 It was called the Mechanical Turk 551 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,680 and the Turk was made of machinery 552 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:15,520 and you would open the doors, rather like a magician, showing it was empty, 553 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:18,920 though in fact, there would be a man inside who was a chess master. 554 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:23,760 He would manipulate the machinery to make the Turk pick up and move the pieces. 555 00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:27,000 So it was a genuinely astonishing piece of machinery 556 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:30,000 that unfortunately burned in a fire in 1854. 557 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,520 Napoleon rather fancied himself at chess 558 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:36,560 and of course, being Emperor, I daresay nobody ever dared beat him, 559 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,840 so he was extremely annoyed to be beaten in 19 moves 560 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:41,160 by this machine. 561 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,560 So, yeah. And many others were beaten, you might like to know. 562 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:47,440 Benjamin Franklin, who was in Paris at the time 563 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,360 as ambassador for the newly formed United States. 564 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:52,440 What was the deal with it? 565 00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,320 - They were unaware that there was a grand master inside? - Yeah. - OK. 566 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:59,080 They thought it was a machine. Charles Babbage was beaten by it. 567 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,920 He's the father of computing. He invented the difference engine. 568 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:05,200 Maybe if he'd known there was a man inside, 569 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:08,360 - he would never have invented the difference engine. - Exactly. 570 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:11,840 But it was the sensation of the age, a remarkable thing. 571 00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:19,000 By 1989, a magician rebuilt it - it cost him 120,000 to build a version that worked. 572 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:23,840 The name of the man who invented it was Wolfgang Von Kempelen 573 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:26,280 who lived from 1734-1804, 574 00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:29,760 and he did it to impress the Empress Maria Theresa. 575 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:34,000 And it sure did. It impressed everybody. It's rather wonderful. 576 00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:35,280 The Mechanical Turk. 577 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:39,080 A manned automaton that beat Napoleon at chess, amongst other people. 578 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:42,040 Now, what's the best way to give a squad of American soldiers 579 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:44,160 the screaming heebie-jeebies in a plane? 580 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:46,680 - Snakes. - Snakes might do it! 581 00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:48,520 That's a pretty good way. 582 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:52,400 The point is, you want to research people panicking. 583 00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:54,720 Is this a cash prize? 584 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:55,880 Is that it? 585 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,720 It could be... 586 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:02,640 When they were trying to test - how can we test the evacuation procedure? - 587 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:04,920 so they get people in a plane and turn some lights off 588 00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:07,360 and so some fake smoke but it's obviously not crashing 589 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:10,240 and so now everyone evacuates in an orderly way. 590 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,720 When this actually happens in a situation of real jeopardy, 591 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:16,280 it's a massive fight and loads of people die. 592 00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:21,840 So in order to properly fake the conditions of jeopardy... 593 00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:25,040 - Right. - ..they offered, the first one that gets out gets 20,000. 594 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:28,960 And then suddenly everyone's panicking and screaming and it's like there's a real... 595 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:32,600 Actually, because they're soldiers, you don't have to do that. 596 00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:35,520 Basically you can just do what you like with them. 597 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,800 So what you do is, you hoax them. You put them up in a plane 598 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:41,880 and you get the pilot to shut off one of the engines, 599 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:47,480 and act very well going into a helluva panic, so the soldiers genuinely think they're going to die, 600 00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:52,600 and then you give them forms to fill in, cos what you're interested in 601 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:55,960 is how humans perform under extreme stress. 602 00:32:55,960 --> 00:33:02,000 The forms are basically, "Who do you want to leave your money to? Fill in these forms, you've got 20 seconds", 603 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:06,760 and you might be surprised to learn that people are crap under these conditions. 604 00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,280 They just write drivel and they're no use at all. 605 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:14,200 What was the point of doing this? I don't see that anyone's learned anything from that experiment. 606 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,880 Just seems unnecessarily cruel. 607 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:19,160 You learn how people respond under genuine stress. You may say... 608 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:21,200 They panic and they shit themselves. 609 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:22,440 But, yeah... 610 00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:26,360 I think I'm going to play my Joker about that... 611 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:28,920 JOKER CACKLES 612 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:29,960 So sorry... 613 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,960 - But I just... - Nostradamus' jam was... - I don't know why 614 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:36,720 - experiments remind me of... You know elbow-licking? - Yeah. 615 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:39,320 - Can a human lick their own elbow? - No. It can't be done. 616 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,840 CLAXON SOUNDS 617 00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:43,720 - Oh! Hello. That's interesting. - OK. 618 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:48,280 Because you got some points a few times ago when you were here... 619 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:49,840 On the very first show! 620 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:52,240 It was, actually. Did you know that it's impossible 621 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,800 for a human being to lick their elbow? 622 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,040 We have someone in the audience, if you'd put your hand up, who can lick 623 00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:03,400 - their elbow. Put your hand up if you can lick your elbow. - Higher! 624 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:05,720 There you are. What's your name? 625 00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:07,040 - Selena. - Selena. 626 00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:11,440 Selena is now going to, I'm afraid, have some points deducted from you, 627 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:13,600 Danny Baker, by licking her elbow. 628 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:16,520 I said a human being, not some kind of freak! 629 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:20,120 As you can see, she's a charming human being! Let's have a look. 630 00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:25,360 That is a woman licking an elbow! Did you see that, ladies and gentlemen? 631 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:27,880 APPLAUSE 632 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,360 That's brilliantly done! 633 00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:33,560 Is there a... Is there a reason for this? 634 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:36,360 Can you do both together like that? 635 00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:40,360 Is there a reason...? Have you always been able to do it or you were dropped as a child? 636 00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:42,960 - You can just do it? - Yeah. 637 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:46,280 - I'd have it looked into, it's not right. - Shall I do the other one? 638 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:49,320 It does mean we will have to deduct some points from you. 639 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,320 Oh, well, on the repeats, I'll look forward to that on Dave. 640 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:56,480 Before it starts, "The following programme has an erroneous score." 641 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,200 Well, we like to get these things right. 642 00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:02,600 In 1962, the US army devised a series of experiments to put the fear 643 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:06,320 of God into soldiers to test their form-filling skills under stress. 644 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:09,760 But enough hoaxes. It's time for some general ignorance. 645 00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:11,800 So, fingers on buzzers, if you please. 646 00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:13,400 - Are there hoaxes...? - How can you tell...? 647 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:16,280 - ..in the general ignorance? - No. - The Joker's gone? 648 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:19,040 - None whatever. - We've missed the hoax, haven't we? 649 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:20,760 - We missed it. - You will find out. 650 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,640 How can you tell if someone is lying? 651 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,240 "Hello, dear!" 652 00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:29,640 Sweaty palms, their pulse starts racing, 653 00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:32,880 their heartbeat goes faster, their sphincter... 654 00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:35,360 If they clench up their sphincter... 655 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:39,360 Let's suppose you haven't got a finger on their sphincter... DEER BELLOWING 656 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:41,640 ..and you aren't holding their hand. Yeah? 657 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,240 - What they've said turns out not to be true. - Yeah. 658 00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:47,960 APPLAUSE 659 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:49,320 Yay! 660 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:55,120 That's how you can tell they HAVE lied. 661 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:59,800 That doesn't work either. It might be that they thought it was true, and they were just idiots. 662 00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:03,200 It tells you they HAVE lied, it doesn't tell you they ARE lying. 663 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,280 How about if they begin the sentence with... 664 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,880 "The Liberal Democrats have a lot in common with us." 665 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:08,920 Very good. 666 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,280 - Hello! - "Hullo, dear!" 667 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,200 They work for an estate agent's. 668 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:16,960 APPLAUSE 669 00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:20,560 Oh! Is there a bitterness behind that? 670 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:23,000 No, it's just an observation. 671 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:28,280 - Is it something physical? - It is but not tactile. You can't touch them. 672 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,800 Is it the thing, and I fear claxons, 673 00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:34,840 but is it something about whether when they're just about to think about it, 674 00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:36,840 they look up left instead of up right 675 00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:39,440 or up right instead of up left or something like...? 676 00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:40,480 CLAXONS HOWL 677 00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:43,800 - Yes! You were right to fear claxons. - Yeah, I was. 678 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:47,480 - I think I know what it is. - Embrace the claxon. - I'm trying to. 679 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:50,480 As they're about to deliver the crucial detail, they go, 680 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:54,440 "Yeah, well, it's about, ooh, er..." 681 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:57,080 "l-l-l-l... 682 00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,120 "Let me... T-t-t-t-t-t-t... 683 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:03,040 "About ten. About ten, I reckon. I mean..." 684 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:06,360 Sean, you are more right than David by a long way. 685 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:09,400 The point is it's very hard to see if someone's lying. 686 00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:12,800 There's nothing in the body language or the face or the eyes, 687 00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:16,480 nothing in the nose touches, the things that people think are to do with it. 688 00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,960 It's all to do with how they're speaking. 689 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:24,960 - Is this why it's easier to tell if someone's lying on the phone than face to face? - Exactly so. 690 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:26,720 They tested over 20,000 subjects, 691 00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:30,000 showing them videos of people telling the truth and lying. 692 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:33,240 They found that people performed no better than chance. 693 00:37:33,240 --> 00:37:35,200 Not only that, so-called experts - 694 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:39,040 polygraph operators, police investigators, judges and psychiatrists, 695 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:40,520 returned the same result. 696 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:44,440 But if you do it just on sound alone, people are much more accurate. 697 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:48,200 About 73% accuracy listening to lies. 698 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:50,280 So the thing to do is shut your eyes. 699 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:54,040 - Is that man going to shoot him? - It's a very early polygraph. 700 00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:57,680 - It does look rather bizarre, doesn't it? - Right. "Name?" "John." 701 00:37:57,680 --> 00:37:59,200 "Wrong." Boom. 702 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:04,480 Presumably that means it's easier to dupe the deaf than the blind. 703 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:08,320 - Which isn't what you'd think. - No, it isn't. That's true. 704 00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:12,440 Having said all that I've said, Dr Ekman, a leading researcher, claims 705 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:17,040 that 50 out of 20,000 people do have a natural ability to detect lies 706 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,080 by actually looking at expressions. 707 00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:20,960 It is very, very few people. 708 00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:22,760 He named them the truth wizards 709 00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:26,240 and they're able to read micro-expressions that last milliseconds 710 00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:27,960 in ways that others aren't. 711 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,080 So, there you are. 712 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,320 Most people can't tell if you're lying, 713 00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:34,600 but they'll have a better chance if they focus on your speech. 714 00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:38,040 What's the one thing you know for sure about oranges? 715 00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:40,000 - They're orange. - They're orange? 716 00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:43,680 CLAXONS GO OFF Oh! That's the problem. 717 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:47,200 There are red ones and most of them aren't orange, in fact. 718 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:52,280 I know. Supermarkets have to make them orange a lot of the time. 719 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:55,640 In warm countries, oranges are actually green. 720 00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:59,160 And there you can see how green they are. 721 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:04,680 The interior part is orange, but supermarkets tend to use a gas 722 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:06,360 to "de-green", as they call it, 723 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:12,200 to take the chlorophyll out cos we shoppers prefer to see an orange skin. 724 00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:15,000 I'm a sucker for when they have variations... 725 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,320 Me too, but most punters would like their oranges to be... 726 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:21,480 I've worked in orange groves and they were orange. 727 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:26,320 - Where was it? - It was in Israel, on the kibbutz, and I worked in the orange groves, 728 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:27,400 got the sack... 729 00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,440 LAUGHTER 730 00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:33,520 ..fell asleep when I was meant to be mending irrigation pipes. That's not a good story. 731 00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:37,840 - And they were orange. - Yes? - The little blighters were orange. 732 00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:41,080 All of them. There wasn't one little green bugger amongst them. 733 00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:46,160 They do grow orange but in the really hot, humid countries they're green, 734 00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:51,120 and in deserts and in places made-up like the kibbutz. 735 00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,920 - Tell you something about oranges. - What's that? 736 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:55,360 They're not the only fruit. 737 00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:59,200 They're not the only fruit! Good literary remark, that. 738 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,960 Do you know where the word comes from or what the original word was? 739 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,080 - It's naranja. - Naranja. That's the Spanish for orange. 740 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:07,960 The original naranja is Sanskrit 741 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:11,280 and what happened, as words do, it loses the N. 742 00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,920 So you get an orange, a "norange", 743 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:17,680 and we think, "Oh, that 'a norange' must be 'an orange'," 744 00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:21,680 but in fact it was a norange, like a nadder was a snake. 745 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:26,120 The French say "orange", don't they? It should be called a nanorange. 746 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,760 - Just a norange would do. - A norange? 747 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:30,960 - Norange juice. - Norange juice, yeah. 748 00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:32,840 That'll do it. Well done. 749 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,760 Should an apple be called a napple? 750 00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:37,120 No, it doesn't work with apple. 751 00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:39,200 There must be... A napron, for example. 752 00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:42,280 - A nau pair. - No, that's just silly. 753 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,280 But er... 754 00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:49,400 It works with a nadder. That's now become an adder but is was originally "a nadre." 755 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:50,960 An adder. Right. 756 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:53,120 And an ick name. 757 00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:56,600 Your ick name, nickname, it became a nickname 758 00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:58,480 but it was originally an ick name. 759 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,720 - What's an ick...? - It became a nickname. - Right. 760 00:41:01,720 --> 00:41:06,280 A nickname is a name you give someone that isn't their real name, Sean. 761 00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:09,440 - What was it called before? - Ick name. 762 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:12,480 What does that mean, an ick name? Where does that come from? 763 00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:17,080 - That's not a fruit. - No! Arrgh! 764 00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:18,560 APPLAUSE 765 00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,400 Oh, man. 766 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:22,960 Heaven help us all. 767 00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,360 Oranges are not necessarily orange 768 00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:28,960 and there's a good case for saying that they started as greens. 769 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:30,720 What do swimming pools smell of? 770 00:41:30,720 --> 00:41:32,440 - Hmm. - Children. 771 00:41:34,720 --> 00:41:35,760 Probably true. 772 00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:38,800 - The answer I suspect you're looking for... - "Hello, dear!" 773 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:39,960 ..is chlorine. 774 00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:41,480 CLAXON SOUNDS Ow! 775 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:44,280 They will do if you put chlorine in them. 776 00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:46,000 You don't smell the chlorine. 777 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:48,640 In fact, if there is that smell that we don't like, 778 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:50,920 the way to get rid of it is to add chlorine. 779 00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:54,320 - Chlorine reacting with the child's urine. - Yeah. 780 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:58,760 Chloramines are formed by sweat and urine and faecal matter 781 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:02,360 and lots of other horrible things in swimming pools added to chlorine. 782 00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:04,080 To get rid of them, add chlorine. 783 00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:06,680 So before I make up your scores, 784 00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:10,480 I should tell you that not one of you managed to identify the hoax 785 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:12,800 because the idea of the hoax was itself a hoax. 786 00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:16,200 There was no hoax. GROANING 787 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,320 APPLAUSE 788 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:26,520 This... This is an outrage. This is like the end of Lost. 789 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:28,960 It's endearing how much it matters to them. 790 00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:31,560 So everything you heard was as true as trousers. 791 00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:33,560 So the winner tonight... 792 00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:35,040 Wow! A-ha! 793 00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:38,800 The winner tonight with an impressive minus one is Sean Lock. 794 00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:41,600 - APPLAUSE - Oh, I won? - You won. 795 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:46,400 - And... - You won this discredited show. 796 00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:49,800 ..second with an improbable minus 13, is David Mitchell. 797 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:51,440 APPLAUSE 798 00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:56,160 - Yeah! - Yeah! 799 00:42:56,160 --> 00:42:59,840 Third with a pretty good minus 14, Danny Baker. 800 00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:01,120 APPLAUSE 801 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:05,840 You grassed me up! Grassed up by the elbow-licker! 802 00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:10,480 And last with a surprisingly convincing minus 38, Alan Davies. 803 00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:12,920 - Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 804 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:24,480 Thanks to David, Danny, Sean and Alan. I leave you with an observation from Will Rogers. 805 00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:28,120 The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected. 806 00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:30,360 Thank you and goodnight. APPLAUSE 807 00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:51,600 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 808 00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:53,120 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk