1 00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:25,180 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,580 --> 00:00:36,300 Well, hello, hello, hello, 3 00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:41,980 hello and welcome to QI where tonight we plot the whole history 4 00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:45,620 of humanity with four prime specimens of the human race. 5 00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:46,980 The highly evolved Jo Brand. 6 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,980 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,780 The ho-ho-homo erectus Jimmy Carr. 8 00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:58,940 APPLAUSE 9 00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:04,300 The creature from the black gloom Jack Dee. 10 00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:06,420 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:12,420 And the HOME OWNER Alan Davies. 12 00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:15,300 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:21,620 Let's see what your buzzers have evolved in to. Jo goes... 14 00:01:21,620 --> 00:01:25,140 BUBBLING AND CROAKING 15 00:01:25,140 --> 00:01:26,700 I really do go like that. 16 00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:30,140 We recorded you when you weren't looking. Jimmy goes... 17 00:01:30,140 --> 00:01:33,500 ROARING AND CHIRPING 18 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:35,020 Well, pardon me. 19 00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:36,460 Jack goes... 20 00:01:36,460 --> 00:01:39,660 MONKEYS SCREAM 21 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:47,420 - And Alan goes... - FOOTBALL CHANTING 22 00:01:47,420 --> 00:01:50,180 Evolved backwards into an Arsenal supporter. 23 00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:53,220 Let's start with this, describe the perfect man. 24 00:01:53,220 --> 00:01:55,700 BUBBLING AND CROAKING 25 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:56,860 A dead one. 26 00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:58,660 Oh! Jo Brand! 27 00:02:02,980 --> 00:02:08,300 - There we have three specimens there. - Are you fishing for compliments? 28 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:11,540 Can I just say that one in the middle is bloody gorgeous! 29 00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:17,100 - Is that my husband? I do believe it is! - Really?! 30 00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:20,060 Perfect as in the physical specimen? 31 00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:22,780 A sort of physical specimen. 32 00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:26,420 Can you see from that that there is no such thing as being big-boned? 33 00:02:26,420 --> 00:02:34,420 They all have the same structure and they've never found a fat skeleton. 34 00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:35,500 I'm afraid that's true. 35 00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:39,780 Actually, steering you slightly awry here, 36 00:02:39,780 --> 00:02:45,140 humans are homo sapiens, sapiens is a species of animal 37 00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:52,100 and every species of animal has a definitive version called a holotype 38 00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:58,340 by which all others are judged so where is the human being 39 00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:01,380 which a standard example of a human being? 40 00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:03,940 Is he standard or perfect, cos there is a difference? 41 00:03:03,940 --> 00:03:10,300 - There is. - I don't mind being perfect, but to just be average... 42 00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:16,460 The honour should go to the first person who described humanity in terms of its animal origins. 43 00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:22,420 - Darwin. - Not Darwin, before Darwin. Who came up with the phrase homo sapiens? 44 00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:24,060 - Was it Henry VIII? - No. 45 00:03:24,060 --> 00:03:26,660 Good effort. 46 00:03:26,660 --> 00:03:30,540 It was a Swede who gave everything classification. 47 00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:32,700 Do you know who this Swede was? 48 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,140 - Ulrika Jonsson? - Not Ulrika Jonsson. 49 00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:37,660 It must be the other one, Sven-Goran Eriksson. 50 00:03:37,660 --> 00:03:40,340 - The other one?! - It was ABBA. 51 00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:42,820 Poor Sweden. I apologise. 52 00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:47,380 He was called Carl Linnaeus. You DID know that. 53 00:03:47,380 --> 00:03:49,020 The Linnaeic system of naming things. 54 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:55,260 It was felt that the honour should go to him. Then an American paleontologist volunteered. 55 00:03:55,260 --> 00:04:01,060 He was called Edward Drinker Cope and he left in his will that he wanted to be the holotype. 56 00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:05,500 They got his skeleton and he was going to be the type, 57 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:10,660 but unfortunately, he had syphilis and it was present in the skeletal structure. 58 00:04:10,660 --> 00:04:12,340 How embarrassing! 59 00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:15,300 JIMMY: They don't put that on the little leaflet at the doctor's. 60 00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:19,820 Essentially, there is none. There is no perfect human. 61 00:04:19,820 --> 00:04:21,540 The position is vacant? 62 00:04:21,540 --> 00:04:24,860 They've suggested Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bob Hope, Raquel Welch. 63 00:04:24,860 --> 00:04:27,140 I think she'd be distracting for the scientists. 64 00:04:27,140 --> 00:04:32,780 She might, but it is a vacant position. 65 00:04:32,780 --> 00:04:36,700 But... Mmmmm... Why am I making that noise? 66 00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:42,340 - Who's that? - Jesus. - With legs out. - Oh, Leonardo Da Vinci's... 67 00:04:42,340 --> 00:04:45,580 - Do you know what he's called? - No... - Vitruvian Man. 68 00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:48,100 - Oh, the guy... - That one. 69 00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:53,180 He's done too many arms and legs. He's a bloody fool. 70 00:04:53,180 --> 00:04:57,420 - Are you the same width as height? - It's showing proportions. 71 00:04:57,420 --> 00:05:00,060 In one, the man is spread-eagled and is fitting a circle. 72 00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:03,380 In the second one, he's fitting a square. 73 00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:08,180 When we fit a circle like that, the absolute centre of the circle is the navel, 74 00:05:08,180 --> 00:05:12,180 but when we fit a square, the centre is the...ahem! 75 00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:15,860 - Genitalia? - The genit - as you rightly say - alia. 76 00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:19,100 The tummy banana is the term. 77 00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:22,700 Or it is in our house. 78 00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:26,540 - Who was Vitruvius? Why is he called Vitruvian Man? - Is that not him? 79 00:05:26,540 --> 00:05:31,940 He was a Roman architect who wrote about man's dimensions 80 00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:35,540 being the criteria by which you should design architecture. 81 00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:39,620 It goes like this. Your height is equal to the span of your arms. 82 00:05:39,620 --> 00:05:42,100 What I want to know 83 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:44,380 is what is the bloke behind doing that's... 84 00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:47,180 They never tell you. 85 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,900 ..that's made him open his legs like that. 86 00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:53,460 Did the bloke in front know that the bloke behind was doing that? 87 00:05:53,460 --> 00:05:58,380 It's like an old-fashioned version of doing that behind someone when they're having their photo taken. 88 00:05:58,380 --> 00:06:00,060 But it must have taken hours, 89 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,340 "Oh, come on. The joke's wearing off." 90 00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:08,380 The proportions are correct. You head is an eighth of your body height. 91 00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:10,740 Your head's about a quarter of your body height. 92 00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:12,900 - Is it? - Yeah, cos your brain's so massive... 93 00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:15,740 APPLAUSE 94 00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:24,860 The width of your shoulders is equal to the distance from the elbow to the tip of the fingers. 95 00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:28,460 It's the same as your shoulder span. There's a lot of proportion going on. 96 00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:32,740 Where would you see this mostly if you were in Italy? 97 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:36,900 - The internet. - There are millions of them all over Italy. Why is that? 98 00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:38,140 - Beer mats. - Not beer mats. 99 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:44,380 I didn't mean that as a joke. It was a guess. 100 00:06:44,380 --> 00:06:48,340 It's the one-euro coin, it has this on the obverse. He was so gifted, 101 00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:52,620 that when he was a boy, he was an apprentice to a master painter 102 00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:59,140 and typical in those days, there was a huge fresco that the pope had commissioned 103 00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:02,500 and Leonardo was told to do one of the angels 104 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:07,420 and went and did the angel and the master came and looked at it 105 00:07:07,420 --> 00:07:11,380 and broke his own brushes and walked out and never painted again. 106 00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:13,100 Some people are just peevish. 107 00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:22,780 People call him Leonardo and Da Vinci is just the place came from. 108 00:07:22,780 --> 00:07:27,380 Name a painter who only used their first name. 109 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,140 Leonardo Da Streatham. 110 00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:31,180 - Hmm, yes. - Rolf of Australia. 111 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,660 APPLAUSE 112 00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:36,980 That is true. 113 00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:43,380 Michelangelo. His surname was Buonaroti, but he was known as Michelangelo. 114 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,700 Raphael, we call by his first name. 115 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:51,100 It's like cooks - Delia, Nigella, Jamie. 116 00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:54,420 - Jamie Da Essex. - That's the one. 117 00:07:54,420 --> 00:07:59,300 If you think you're the perfect man, there may be a job for you in a museum somewhere. 118 00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:01,300 As long as you don't have syphilis. 119 00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:05,620 On you're way there, how would you spot a Neanderthal if you saw one on the bus? 120 00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:08,340 MONKEYS SCREAM 121 00:08:08,340 --> 00:08:11,660 He'd be the one who sits next to me. 122 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,100 Nearly always. 123 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,580 BUBBLING AND CROAKING 124 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:21,220 He's the one already sitting next to me cos I'm married to him. 125 00:08:21,220 --> 00:08:24,220 Is this going to be the humiliate my husband show? 126 00:08:24,220 --> 00:08:25,940 - He doesn't watch this. - Fine. 127 00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:29,700 He doesn't really understand it. 128 00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:33,020 Is he the one looking at the wheels, going, "What the hell...?" 129 00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:36,380 Have they got the lump in their forehead or is that the Cro-Magnon? 130 00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:42,180 The point is we'd be hard pushed to tell the difference. 131 00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:47,620 - Admittedly, it's an unusual... - That's our producer. 132 00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:53,540 If we shaved and dressed our producer one day, 133 00:08:53,540 --> 00:08:57,380 and popped HER on a bus... 134 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:07,060 - ..she might look like a normal person. - So far, we haven't. - We've not managed that. 135 00:09:08,820 --> 00:09:10,460 Is that a model? 136 00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:12,540 That's a model of how they might look. 137 00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:16,780 We think of them as stupid, but they had religious rites, buried their dead, made ornaments. 138 00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:23,780 At one point we were one species that diverged and these two branches of humanity lived in Europe. 139 00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:28,980 In fact, Neanderthals lived in Europe for four times longer than we ever have. 140 00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:32,060 They had a long period of living there. 141 00:09:32,060 --> 00:09:34,700 - Did we cross over? - We did and no-one quite knows 142 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,740 why they went extinct, whether we bullied them, outsmarted them. 143 00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:41,140 They were stronger than us. 144 00:09:41,140 --> 00:09:44,340 - We invented the bus. - We did invent the bus. 145 00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:47,780 They didn't invent the bus. You can't give them that one. 146 00:09:47,780 --> 00:09:53,980 About 1-4% of our DNA is Neanderthal so we cross-bred. 147 00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:59,940 So were there ever homo sapiens who married Neanderthals? 148 00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:01,500 - Well... - Imagine a wedding like that. 149 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:05,020 That's going to be a punch-up in a car park. 150 00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,300 Go to Basildon any Saturday night. 151 00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:11,140 I'm glad you said that. I just want to tour again one day. 152 00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:13,740 Says a resident of Norfolk! 153 00:10:13,740 --> 00:10:19,220 Yes, there was interbreeding. There are many theories. 154 00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:24,100 Some think that we kept Neanderthal girls as sex slaves. 155 00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:27,420 Possibly it's the other way round as they were stronger than us. 156 00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:31,220 There was a lot of interbreeding, but for some reason, they died out. 157 00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:36,620 Probably the first genocide, first of many that we've proudly executed over the century. 158 00:10:36,620 --> 00:10:38,180 Maybe we teased them to death. 159 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:43,020 - They couldn't take it anymore. - Neanderthal! 160 00:10:43,020 --> 00:10:49,300 Little bit simple. Oh, I can run fast, very good(!) 161 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,500 Why are they called Neandarthal? 162 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,860 Is it an anagram? 163 00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:55,540 Probably is. 164 00:10:55,540 --> 00:11:00,620 - Anagram of LEATHER DANT. - LEATHER DANT. 165 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:05,340 - That's a period in time, isn't it? - No, it isn't. It's a valley 166 00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:08,780 near Dusseldorf, in Germany where they were found. 167 00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:10,780 Can you name other species...? 168 00:11:10,780 --> 00:11:14,340 I like the idea of having another species of human 169 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,820 who is just a little bit stupid, but friendly 170 00:11:16,820 --> 00:11:21,700 - and lived with us and were happy to do all the jobs for us. - It's Brave New World, 171 00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:23,180 isn't it? The Gammas. 172 00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:26,340 I like the idea. I'm not a nutter. 173 00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:31,780 - Who wouldn't mind. They'd be simple and... - And could be your sex slave. 174 00:11:31,780 --> 00:11:36,820 - Can we go back to the picture of the man that looks like a gnome? - Oh, yes. 175 00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:39,020 The producer. 176 00:11:39,020 --> 00:11:44,260 I don't fancy that as a sex slave. I'm not being overly fussy. 177 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:51,140 Bear in mind, this is before the invention of electric light. It was gloomy. 178 00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:54,500 - It's cold. - You'd be in a cave. It's cold. 179 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:56,940 Have a few beers, you'd be fine. 180 00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:04,060 He looks like quite a friendly bloke for a Neanderthal. 181 00:12:04,060 --> 00:12:05,980 I saw this really good anthropology series. 182 00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:10,460 A fantastic depiction of the tree of evolution with all the different branches 183 00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:14,020 and all the various homo this and homo the other that didn't make it. 184 00:12:14,020 --> 00:12:16,980 Yeah, we're the only one left. 185 00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:19,780 Presumably, though, if it's evolution, we're not finished. 186 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,540 - No. - So when we go on evolving... 187 00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:23,980 JACK: There is hope for you. 188 00:12:26,060 --> 00:12:31,180 They should keep a breeding population of us cos I think we'd make excellent pets. 189 00:12:31,180 --> 00:12:37,060 We don't half moan though. Who wants a pet that moans?! 190 00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:42,260 You want a dog that bounds up to you. Not, "Oh, God, I'm tired." 191 00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:45,100 "I didn't have a breakfast." 192 00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:53,220 Specifically, having Alan Davies as a pet, that would be good. Take him for a walk in the morning. 193 00:12:53,220 --> 00:12:55,500 You played a dog in a radio show. 194 00:12:55,500 --> 00:13:00,020 Yes, I don't like the direction this is going. He wants to tease me into extinction. 195 00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:02,380 I did play a dog. 196 00:13:02,380 --> 00:13:05,860 It's very hard to say. There's a great fallacy 197 00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:09,740 that things that happen to you in your lifetime, you pass on to your children. 198 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:12,140 Your DNA doesn't alter because you text a lot. 199 00:13:12,140 --> 00:13:17,140 People say, "Because we text a lot, we'll all have flat thumbs." That's a misunderstanding of evolution. 200 00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:21,420 Why might you take a fossil into a nightclub? 201 00:13:21,420 --> 00:13:23,300 BUBBLING AND CROAKING 202 00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:26,380 If you were going to Stringfellow's you wouldn't need to. 203 00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:29,460 Is it...? I'm going to guess the UV. 204 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:32,540 - Yes, you are so right. - Something in the UV, cos people's teeth 205 00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:34,980 - look weird in clubs. - You're right. 206 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:38,220 - His teeth are weird anyway. - I don't know why. 207 00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:40,980 There's quite a business in fossils. 208 00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:45,660 - People want a perfect fossil and there's a lot of money charged for these... - Ammonites. 209 00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:47,660 Like the ammonites, trilobites 210 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,460 and a lot of them are dodgy and they've got plastic in. 211 00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:54,380 Take it under the UV light and the plastic will show up completely differently 212 00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:58,100 to the original fossil so that's the reason to take it into a nightclub. 213 00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,260 Do you get a lot of that in clubs? 214 00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:02,740 I don't know, but now that I've suggested it... 215 00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:06,340 I have to say, my wife wouldn't be very pleased with that explanation. 216 00:14:06,340 --> 00:14:08,380 "No, darling, the reason 217 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:11,540 "I went into the back room of the club..." 218 00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:15,060 Can I just say, on a completely unrelated note, 219 00:14:15,060 --> 00:14:18,100 because dear Peter Stringfellow came up in that picture, 220 00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:22,460 he won't let fat women go in his club in case they break the antique chairs. 221 00:14:22,460 --> 00:14:23,940 No? 222 00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:25,860 - Indeed. - But fat MEN? 223 00:14:26,660 --> 00:14:31,100 So all fat ladies to Stringfellow's later and we'll sit on his antique face. 224 00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:33,340 LAUGHTER 225 00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:43,740 If you gave him - and when I say "him", I mean a Neanderthal man - a tracksuit and a haircut, 226 00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:45,820 he would attract no more attention 227 00:14:45,820 --> 00:14:47,940 than any of the other nutters on the bus. 228 00:14:47,940 --> 00:14:51,620 - Which bit of you is evolving the quickest? - BUBBLING AND CROAKING 229 00:14:51,620 --> 00:14:55,380 - Is it my propeller? - LAUGHTER 230 00:14:55,380 --> 00:14:56,820 - What? - You have a propeller? 231 00:14:56,820 --> 00:14:59,900 - What did you say? Revolving? - No, EVOLVING! 232 00:15:07,380 --> 00:15:09,580 Wouldn't it be brilliant, though? 233 00:15:09,580 --> 00:15:12,980 - If you had a propeller? - If we had a propeller. - It would be, rather. 234 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:16,020 Do you think there's any animals that have got propellers? 235 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,820 There's a thing that lives in the sea that has a propeller mechanism. 236 00:15:18,820 --> 00:15:22,140 - It was used as the... - Is that a boat? - LAUGHTER 237 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:28,380 A hippo's tail - it's slightly less savoury - 238 00:15:28,380 --> 00:15:31,940 the hippo uses its tail and it revolves it to spread its faeces 239 00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:35,060 - in as wide a way as possible... - That's what I do in swimming pools. 240 00:15:36,540 --> 00:15:40,020 - And what do you revolve to help that happen?! - Just anything. 241 00:15:42,740 --> 00:15:47,700 - Always so embarrassing when it happens. - Well, it does it to mark out more territory... 242 00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:49,980 I suppose I shouldn't do it from the top board. 243 00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:52,500 It's always been a distinction, 244 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:56,900 there's a big difference between pissing IN a pool and INTO a pool. 245 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:59,820 - True. - I pooed in the sea once. - LAUGHTER 246 00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:01,940 Did you? I'm not going in THERE again. 247 00:16:01,940 --> 00:16:04,860 - I was only about 12... - JIMMY: Cost BP a fortune. 248 00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:07,820 ..and I really needed to go, I was quite far out. 249 00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:11,660 "I could just go here, I mean, fish go in the sea all the time". 250 00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:13,420 And I thought, "Good, that's gone", 251 00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:18,420 but I hadn't allowed for the fact that it just bobs up. 252 00:16:18,420 --> 00:16:20,860 - Whoa! - LAUGHTER 253 00:16:20,860 --> 00:16:24,820 "Plop", and then it's right there next to your face. 254 00:16:24,820 --> 00:16:28,180 You've not got rid of it at all... Swimming along... 255 00:16:28,180 --> 00:16:30,380 Is that how you learned to swim? 256 00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:32,100 LAUGHTER 257 00:16:33,940 --> 00:16:36,500 It goes right into shore with you. 258 00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:40,500 - I would advise not to do that. - Yeah. 259 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,060 - What was the question, again? - About evolving. - Yes. 260 00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:47,260 I always thought... Whenever they mention on the news, "Scottish devolution", 261 00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:54,020 - I think that sounds like they're losing their opposable thumbs. - De-evolving. 262 00:16:54,020 --> 00:16:59,220 - If you're evolving because of breeding... - Yes... - I can't imagine what it is about human beings 263 00:16:59,220 --> 00:17:02,580 that will be changing. We've got the sofa, the telly, the fridge - 264 00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:06,500 - they're building our environment to fit the way we are now. - Exactly. 265 00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:10,500 - We're not going to grow wings because we build aeroplanes. - Yeah. 266 00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,980 We'll just be developed with a remote control in our hand. 267 00:17:13,980 --> 00:17:16,580 Evolution isn't just a smooth thing. 268 00:17:16,580 --> 00:17:21,340 - You get mutations which actually accelerates the process. - Indeed. 269 00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:24,660 An animal is born with a very long neck and can get to the top leaves 270 00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:27,420 and therefore that is a more successful creature... 271 00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:30,460 And there's another female that's done the same thing... 272 00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:34,700 Another female, and they say, "Oh, you've got a long neck, let's have long-necked babies..." 273 00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,620 And they have themselves a giraffe family. 274 00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:40,780 I saw a Family Fortunes once... 275 00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:43,500 JIMMY: Finally, back to my level again. 276 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:47,340 ..the question was, "Name a bird with a long neck". 277 00:17:47,340 --> 00:17:48,900 Oh, no... 278 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:51,460 And the guy said, "Naomi Campbell". 279 00:17:54,900 --> 00:18:00,140 It's like...my favourite one on The Weakest Link was, 280 00:18:00,140 --> 00:18:03,620 "What are Chardonnay, Shiraz and Pinot Noir?", 281 00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:05,620 and they said, "Footballers wives." 282 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,900 My favourite one was, "Name a dangerous race". 283 00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:11,340 The guy said, "The Arabs". 284 00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:20,460 I think they were hoping for "Grand National", or something. 285 00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:22,620 Where were we? Oh, yes... 286 00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:25,620 - Are we halting evolution? - There's no evidence that we are. 287 00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:29,580 But would it be our stomachs that have evolved the quickest? 288 00:18:29,580 --> 00:18:33,220 Because our diet has changed massively in the last 2,000 years. 289 00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:36,220 You're right. It seems, though, that the part of the body 290 00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:40,980 that has changed most recently in the last 10,000 years is the nose. 291 00:18:40,980 --> 00:18:43,260 We're not quite sure why. 292 00:18:43,260 --> 00:18:47,220 Are you going to tell us that more highly evolved people have got 293 00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:50,420 - slightly bent-to-one-side noses? - Yes, there is that element... 294 00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:53,460 The most highly evolved people have got THREE noses. 295 00:18:53,460 --> 00:18:55,620 By the look of you. Yeah, 296 00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:58,940 dogs, which were domesticated about 15,000 years ago - 297 00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:00,980 and humans have complementary smell, 298 00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:04,060 and it was around the time we were learning to cook, as well - 299 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:06,700 it just seems that we lost the need 300 00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:09,860 to have the kind of smell that dogs have, 301 00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:14,420 - maybe because we... - Isn't it the most powerful sense memory? 302 00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:19,300 The idea that if you get a smell, you're back there immediately and it's the most powerful thing? 303 00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:21,940 Yeah. It's very odd that, isn't it? 304 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:24,140 You can smell something and not be sure what it is 305 00:19:24,140 --> 00:19:27,900 in a way that you couldn't SEE something and not be sure what it is. 306 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:31,180 You wouldn't show someone a picture of an elephant and then go, 307 00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:34,340 - "Oh, it's a tennis racket! No..." It's very odd, that... - Its... 308 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,780 ..although it's very powerful, it's also very elusive. 309 00:19:36,780 --> 00:19:40,420 It feels like smell is the one thing that's miles away from language. 310 00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:45,540 - It's so difficult to describe what's going on with it. - But it can trigger a memory instantly. 311 00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:48,540 There is a widespread assumption that we've CEASED evolving - 312 00:19:48,540 --> 00:19:51,460 I don't think it's true, but of course, it does take SO long. 313 00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:53,820 Like what I was saying about Neanderthal man 314 00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:56,540 having lived in Europe for four times longer that we have. 315 00:19:56,540 --> 00:19:58,940 You say that we never notice it, 316 00:19:58,940 --> 00:20:02,300 - but people are getting taller by generation. - Yes. 317 00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:03,860 That's a nutritional thing. 318 00:20:03,860 --> 00:20:07,460 It is, and you can see it in the Japanese who only ate fish and things - 319 00:20:07,460 --> 00:20:11,820 the moment they started eating beef again, the Japanese, in a generation and a half... 320 00:20:11,820 --> 00:20:15,580 - Uh-oh. Watch out for them. They'll be back. - ..got a lot taller. 321 00:20:15,580 --> 00:20:17,300 LAUGHTER 322 00:20:19,380 --> 00:20:23,860 So, it seems that our noses are evolving quicker than any other part of our body. 323 00:20:23,860 --> 00:20:28,780 Who knows what we will look like in the future? In fact, who are you looking at here? 324 00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:30,700 It's to do with the proportion 325 00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:34,660 - in which we are able to sense things from our body... - Yes, 326 00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:37,580 it's the amount of brain space and processing that is given 327 00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:40,740 to our own bodies. These are called cortical homunculae, 328 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,660 a rather nice name. 329 00:20:42,660 --> 00:20:46,140 Our cortex gives over a huge amount of processing to understand and feel 330 00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:50,100 the hands and our ears and our tongues, er, quite a lot to 331 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:53,500 our genitalia, so much so that we felt the need to be decent. 332 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,580 - I see the one on the left is actually a lady. - That is Jo, in fact. 333 00:20:56,580 --> 00:21:01,140 - It really is. - How dare you?! - That's Jimmy... 334 00:21:01,140 --> 00:21:02,780 and that's you and that's you. 335 00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:06,980 - Oh, I see... - With your eyes made bigger and your mouths made bigger, 336 00:21:06,980 --> 00:21:10,180 - you are in there. - I'm quite happy with that torso. - Which one's me? 337 00:21:10,180 --> 00:21:14,540 - The female one. - That one? - I think we look a lot crazier than those two. 338 00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:17,340 Don't we? We look properly out of control. 339 00:21:17,340 --> 00:21:19,660 I actually quite want to shag you now. 340 00:21:19,660 --> 00:21:21,540 LAUGHTER 341 00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:24,220 MACHO VOICE: Little bit of that, yeah. 342 00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:28,700 We're very grateful to Steve, the artist who made these for us. 343 00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:31,340 - I'm not grateful. - I'd like to go on record with Alan and say 344 00:21:31,340 --> 00:21:34,860 I'm not grateful at all. 345 00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:36,940 I think we might do a drawing of Steve later. 346 00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:38,620 See how he likes it. 347 00:21:38,620 --> 00:21:42,540 - So this is where the sensory... - Yeah, it was the brainchild of a man 348 00:21:42,540 --> 00:21:45,340 called Dr Wilder Penfield, a Canadian neurosurgeon 349 00:21:45,340 --> 00:21:46,740 who died in about 1979, 350 00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:49,980 and because he'd been doing surgery on epileptics, 351 00:21:49,980 --> 00:21:53,460 he realised he could map the parts of the brain that were responsible 352 00:21:53,460 --> 00:21:56,340 for the feelings, dimensions, senses of each part of the body, 353 00:21:56,340 --> 00:21:59,900 and that's what he came up with. So, to the brain, as it were, that's how we are. 354 00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:02,380 A good rule of thumb for a first date - 355 00:22:02,380 --> 00:22:05,580 - "These are the areas you should be concentrating on". - Yeah. 356 00:22:05,580 --> 00:22:10,860 - And some people, like Andrew Marr, actually ARE like that. - LAUGHTER 357 00:22:10,860 --> 00:22:14,300 Martin Clunes, perhaps. Yeah, the brain is, of course, 358 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:18,740 remarkably complex. It's the most complex thing we know of in the universe. 359 00:22:18,740 --> 00:22:22,060 We don't know of anything more astonishingly complicated. 360 00:22:22,060 --> 00:22:24,300 Have you filled in a VAT return? 361 00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:25,620 Not easy. 362 00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:31,260 - It's 100 billion neurons in the brain, roughly... - Yeah... 363 00:22:31,260 --> 00:22:35,020 ..as many brain cells in your brain as there are trees in the Amazonian forest. 364 00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:38,780 - So if you've ever flown over the forest... - Maybe not any more. 365 00:22:38,780 --> 00:22:42,820 Each cell makes between 1,000 and 10,000 connections, 366 00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:45,220 so even the brain of a three-year-old child 367 00:22:45,220 --> 00:22:48,820 has about a quadrillion, which is 10-15 synapses. 368 00:22:48,820 --> 00:22:52,420 - 15... - It's a huge number. It's almost incalculably vast. 369 00:22:52,420 --> 00:22:54,620 - No, I've done it. - Well done! 370 00:22:54,620 --> 00:22:55,820 LAUGHTER 371 00:22:55,820 --> 00:22:59,660 And it's 80% water, the brain. Extraordinary. 372 00:22:59,660 --> 00:23:01,860 - Kind of like a weak lager. - Yeah! 373 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:05,700 The brain works with chemical reaction, always. 374 00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:09,220 - Yes, electricity, essentially. - Electricity, is it? 375 00:23:09,220 --> 00:23:13,300 That's why... An epileptic fit is when 376 00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:16,580 the electrical impulses in your brain sort of overload, 377 00:23:16,580 --> 00:23:18,500 and they cause you to... 378 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,020 Yeah, to have a seizure. 379 00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:22,260 In fact, that's how they invented ECT, 380 00:23:22,260 --> 00:23:26,380 because some Italian doctor noticed that a tramp he was experimenting on 381 00:23:26,380 --> 00:23:29,500 was a lot more cheerful when he had an epileptic fit, 382 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:31,660 so they thought, "If we induce one..." 383 00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:36,020 Why was he more cheerful when he'd had an epileptic fit? Was there a chemical reason? 384 00:23:36,020 --> 00:23:37,820 He didn't know, but he just thought... 385 00:23:37,820 --> 00:23:41,380 They still don't really know, but the thing about ECT is it does often work. 386 00:23:41,380 --> 00:23:43,460 My mother went to a fete recently, 387 00:23:43,460 --> 00:23:46,460 and someone had spelt "etc" wrong, 388 00:23:46,460 --> 00:23:50,020 and it went, "This way to the stalls and ECT". 389 00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:54,460 Be great to get at a fete, wouldn't it? 390 00:23:56,500 --> 00:23:59,180 Anyway...the cortical homunculus is YOU, 391 00:23:59,180 --> 00:24:02,220 if the size of your body parts reflected 392 00:24:02,220 --> 00:24:06,140 how much brain power they use. How would you like to huddle up to one of these? 393 00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:09,500 Oh, my God. How did you get a picture of my scrotum? 394 00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:12,020 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 395 00:24:12,020 --> 00:24:14,820 You got the teeth and everything. 396 00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:19,940 Would a scrotum be much more attractive if it had little eyes and teeth? 397 00:24:22,700 --> 00:24:28,220 The only thing the scrotum is good for is testing anti-wrinkle cream. 398 00:24:28,220 --> 00:24:30,700 - Works a treat. - Yep, it would. 399 00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:34,700 This little animal has only recently been discovered? 400 00:24:34,700 --> 00:24:36,340 It is a recent discovery. 401 00:24:36,340 --> 00:24:40,980 - In Africa? And it's hairless? - Yes, it is. 402 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:44,900 - It's called the naked mole rat. - How long is it? - About three inches. 403 00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,740 So exactly the same proportion. 404 00:24:46,740 --> 00:24:48,300 - Er...! - LAUGHTER 405 00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:51,340 It's neither a mole nor a rat, in fact, 406 00:24:51,340 --> 00:24:55,740 it IS a rodent, it's a mammal, and it's a most extraordinary creature. 407 00:24:55,740 --> 00:24:58,500 Bizarrely, there was a zoologist 408 00:24:58,500 --> 00:25:01,100 who predicted in the 1970s that there might be 409 00:25:01,100 --> 00:25:04,980 an as-yet undiscovered social mammal that lived underground, 410 00:25:04,980 --> 00:25:06,940 and this exactly fits the bill. 411 00:25:06,940 --> 00:25:11,340 It has a queen, who is the only one who gives birth, 412 00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:14,540 a harem of three males, and all the rest are diggers - 413 00:25:14,540 --> 00:25:18,260 workers and slaves, just like an ant colony. It's most unusual. 414 00:25:18,260 --> 00:25:21,660 When you said "social", I thought you meant it asks its friends round. 415 00:25:21,660 --> 00:25:23,340 Ah! 416 00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:28,420 The workers, they do the child rearing and the digging, the school run, as it were, 417 00:25:28,420 --> 00:25:30,860 - I mean, all those sorts of jobs. - The school run(!) 418 00:25:30,860 --> 00:25:34,060 I suppose its friends have to say that they'll come over. 419 00:25:34,060 --> 00:25:36,940 They can't say, "Staying in, washing me hair tonight". 420 00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:42,420 True! You get a colony of about 300 and they sleep like this to keep themselves warm - 421 00:25:42,420 --> 00:25:45,020 they're virtually cold-blooded. 422 00:25:45,020 --> 00:25:47,620 If you just glance at that, it's quite distressing. 423 00:25:47,620 --> 00:25:52,180 It looks like something that happened at Chelsea Football Club's Christmas party. 424 00:25:52,180 --> 00:25:54,380 - They do look disturbingly... - Do we know why 425 00:25:54,380 --> 00:25:56,740 - they became like that? - It seems it's the best way 426 00:25:56,740 --> 00:25:59,860 for them to survive in what is very stuffy burrows. 427 00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:04,540 It's very difficult, and they just huddle together for warmth, 428 00:26:04,540 --> 00:26:08,060 and maybe sometimes it's very hot and their fur is too much, 429 00:26:08,060 --> 00:26:10,820 so a way of regulating their heat is just to be naked 430 00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:13,380 and sleep on top of each other. 431 00:26:13,380 --> 00:26:15,420 But they're quite interesting for us - 432 00:26:15,420 --> 00:26:17,100 their genes have been sequenced 433 00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:23,380 and they seem to have resistance to certain forms of cancer, as well as having other interesting properties. 434 00:26:23,380 --> 00:26:25,780 That's because they don't smoke. LAUGHTER 435 00:26:25,780 --> 00:26:27,900 They have healthy lifestyles, really. 436 00:26:27,900 --> 00:26:30,020 They don't have something called Substance P, 437 00:26:30,020 --> 00:26:32,580 which transmits pain in us and other animals... 438 00:26:32,580 --> 00:26:35,700 So Substance P transmits pain? 439 00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:38,140 - Yeah. - Are you sure that's science? 440 00:26:38,140 --> 00:26:40,300 Are you sure you haven't misread that? 441 00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:43,300 "You know, Substance P for Pain". 442 00:26:43,300 --> 00:26:47,340 - It's a neurotransmitter... - Of course it is(!) - But if we were able 443 00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:52,860 to replicate the way it works, we may find a perfect painkiller for us, rather than opiates, 444 00:26:52,860 --> 00:26:54,660 which we still use. 445 00:26:54,660 --> 00:26:57,820 Yes, the naked mole rat is a personal hero of mine, 446 00:26:57,820 --> 00:27:01,020 but describe the effects of hero syndrome. 447 00:27:01,020 --> 00:27:06,820 A psychological disorder where you put your trousers on before your pants? 448 00:27:06,820 --> 00:27:10,180 It is a psychological disorder, a very good description of it. 449 00:27:10,180 --> 00:27:13,300 Is it where you THINK you're a hero? 450 00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:16,620 - Kind of... - Is it anything to do with Hero the person in mythology? 451 00:27:16,620 --> 00:27:18,380 Oh, as in Hero and Leander? No. 452 00:27:18,380 --> 00:27:20,700 Oh, I thought I sounded really intelligent then. 453 00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:23,940 - You did! - You think you're a hero, you behave like a hero...? 454 00:27:23,940 --> 00:27:27,740 Yes, it's worse than that, it's really pretty sick... 455 00:27:27,740 --> 00:27:30,980 - Do you make something terrible happen so you can look like a hero? - Exactly. 456 00:27:30,980 --> 00:27:34,140 - So you set a building on fire then rescue everyone? - Especially fire, 457 00:27:34,140 --> 00:27:37,300 yes, it's a real problem, particularly in America... 458 00:27:37,300 --> 00:27:40,340 - Like Munchhausen's? - It's like a kind of Munchhausen's. 459 00:27:40,340 --> 00:27:41,980 Are we saying this is illegal? 460 00:27:41,980 --> 00:27:46,860 - I had no idea, I'm sorry. - So keen are they to present themselves as heroes 461 00:27:46,860 --> 00:27:51,420 that they will set fire to buildings then be the one who goes in and... 462 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:55,140 Would these be just regular people or someone that's in a profession? 463 00:27:55,140 --> 00:27:58,180 - It's firemen. - Firemen are sort of a hero for a JOB - 464 00:27:58,180 --> 00:28:00,540 it's a weird job when you think about it. 465 00:28:00,540 --> 00:28:02,700 Couldn't it be the other way round, 466 00:28:02,700 --> 00:28:07,580 that they know they're arsonists but they've got a guilty conscience so they become firemen as well? 467 00:28:07,580 --> 00:28:10,300 - There is an element of that. - Did you hear about 468 00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:13,860 that Crimewatch presenter in Brazil who found that the show wasn't 469 00:28:13,860 --> 00:28:17,100 - exciting enough, so he started killing people. - Yeah. 470 00:28:17,100 --> 00:28:21,300 His name was Souza and he was supposed to have commissioned five murders... 471 00:28:21,300 --> 00:28:25,180 The police got suspicious when his camera crew turned up before he phoned in. 472 00:28:25,180 --> 00:28:29,260 ..and he went on the run and then turned himself in. 473 00:28:29,260 --> 00:28:31,580 So yes, in South Carolina in 1993 and '94, 474 00:28:31,580 --> 00:28:35,820 - they discovered 47 - in one year - had done this. - All by the same guy? 475 00:28:35,820 --> 00:28:38,540 No, 47 different incidents. 476 00:28:38,540 --> 00:28:42,460 - 47 different arsonist firemen? - Yeah. 477 00:28:42,460 --> 00:28:45,660 It's a weird thing, cos it's a very noble thing to want to be, a hero. 478 00:28:45,660 --> 00:28:50,660 - A pretty nice thing to want to be, but so misguided. - I know, it is. 479 00:28:50,660 --> 00:28:54,220 It's not quite related, but there was a Japanese customs officer 480 00:28:54,220 --> 00:28:55,980 who was training a sniffer dog, 481 00:28:55,980 --> 00:28:58,900 and he decided to hide quite a large wodge of cannabis 482 00:28:58,900 --> 00:29:00,780 on a random passenger, 483 00:29:00,780 --> 00:29:02,380 who didn't know about it, 484 00:29:02,380 --> 00:29:04,060 he just basically planted it. 485 00:29:04,060 --> 00:29:08,300 The idea was that the passenger would go through, the dog would sniff and find it. 486 00:29:08,300 --> 00:29:10,100 The dog didn't get it! 487 00:29:10,100 --> 00:29:13,340 The passenger just walked through and got a free brick of cannabis! 488 00:29:13,340 --> 00:29:16,220 - LAUGHTER - Got home, "What?!" 489 00:29:16,220 --> 00:29:18,500 Very strange. 490 00:29:18,500 --> 00:29:20,100 I'll fly with THEM again. 491 00:29:20,100 --> 00:29:22,820 LAUGHTER 492 00:29:22,820 --> 00:29:25,180 Usually, it's just a pack of cashews. 493 00:29:25,180 --> 00:29:28,100 Only got a wash bag with the other guys! 494 00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:29,140 Most extraordinary. 495 00:29:29,140 --> 00:29:32,020 You don't have to be a hero to be a worthwhile person 496 00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:35,980 but how much are you worth? 497 00:29:35,980 --> 00:29:41,740 - You mean if you sold all your bits? - Basically, yeah, not forgetting your bank account and your social entity. 498 00:29:41,740 --> 00:29:43,420 Kidneys, liver... 499 00:29:43,420 --> 00:29:49,100 - Let's start with the basic, just your meat. - Your flesh? - Your flesh, if you prefer to call it that. 500 00:29:49,100 --> 00:29:55,180 I don't know who you're going to sell it to. Possibly Lidl, Aldi, maybe... 501 00:29:55,180 --> 00:29:59,700 In Moldova there were a couple of women stopped who were selling human flesh 502 00:29:59,700 --> 00:30:02,820 and they were charging £1.30 a kilo. 503 00:30:02,820 --> 00:30:08,700 So that would make the average-ish human, it would be about £100 of flesh. 504 00:30:08,700 --> 00:30:13,860 I think he'd go for more, if he had a restaurant in Chelsea or something. 505 00:30:13,860 --> 00:30:17,060 We think there's a problem with the national debt? We're sitting on a goldmine. 506 00:30:17,060 --> 00:30:20,980 - There's 60 million of you out there. - And there's leather. There's a skin. 507 00:30:20,980 --> 00:30:23,100 Isn't there a scientific thing here? 508 00:30:23,100 --> 00:30:25,660 You've got a very tiny bit of calcium in your body 509 00:30:25,660 --> 00:30:28,860 but that's saleable. Or there's tiny bits of metal. 510 00:30:28,860 --> 00:30:30,300 There's gold. 511 00:30:30,300 --> 00:30:32,620 - Is there gold? - Yes. - In me? 512 00:30:32,620 --> 00:30:34,340 0.4 of a milligram. 513 00:30:34,340 --> 00:30:37,940 0.4 of a milligram. Worth about 8 pence. 514 00:30:37,940 --> 00:30:39,980 It's something. 515 00:30:39,980 --> 00:30:42,180 It's a trace element. 516 00:30:42,180 --> 00:30:45,940 You remember the German who advertised on the internet... 517 00:30:45,940 --> 00:30:50,300 - My goodness. - "I vould like to invite you over and eat your body." 518 00:30:50,300 --> 00:30:54,340 And someone said, "Yes, I would like you to do that." 519 00:30:54,340 --> 00:30:58,820 So he went round to his flat and he said, "Good evening, would you like a drink?" 520 00:30:58,820 --> 00:31:02,660 "Yes, thank you." "And I'm going to kill you now." 521 00:31:02,660 --> 00:31:05,860 Did they not get confused because they both sounded alike? 522 00:31:05,860 --> 00:31:07,140 Good point. 523 00:31:07,140 --> 00:31:12,300 The weird thing about that, that did happen and he killed the guy 524 00:31:12,300 --> 00:31:15,020 but the guy that came first backed out at the last minute. 525 00:31:15,020 --> 00:31:18,580 He was about to kill him and he went, "Oh, I don't really fancy it," 526 00:31:18,580 --> 00:31:23,300 - and they watched Ocean's 12 instead, and he went home. - Oh, that's sweet. 527 00:31:23,300 --> 00:31:25,780 The guy that got away. 528 00:31:25,780 --> 00:31:31,020 - I've seen Ocean's 12, I'm not sure that was a good deal. - I'd rather be eaten. 529 00:31:31,020 --> 00:31:34,900 So OK, we got the meat, the meat's £100. What about leather? 530 00:31:34,900 --> 00:31:37,580 How much does your skin weigh? 531 00:31:37,580 --> 00:31:41,900 - 40 quid. I'll give you 40 quid for your skin. - The biggest organ in the body, isn't it? 532 00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:45,500 Large-ish. It's about 8lbs, 3.6kg. 533 00:31:45,500 --> 00:31:51,060 - I would hope mine would go to Louis Vuitton. - It could do, it's about 22 square foot. 534 00:31:51,060 --> 00:31:53,380 About the size of an average door, say. 535 00:31:53,380 --> 00:31:58,620 If you were charging the same as cow hide, that would only be about £20, I'm afraid. 536 00:31:58,620 --> 00:32:01,660 Be a shame if you ended up a bag for life. 537 00:32:01,660 --> 00:32:04,300 Most unfortunate! 538 00:32:04,300 --> 00:32:07,300 I think the coin purse alone would fetch a couple of grand. 539 00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:13,300 - The coin purse. Very nicely put. - My Jimmy Carr coin purse. 540 00:32:13,300 --> 00:32:19,140 Then we come to the big ones, the transplantable organs. A pair of corneas can be £4,000. 541 00:32:19,140 --> 00:32:21,220 You get good money for your eyes. 542 00:32:21,220 --> 00:32:24,020 How much would you pay for a heart? 543 00:32:24,020 --> 00:32:26,980 - £50,000. - Not bad. £40,000 you could probably get one for. 544 00:32:26,980 --> 00:32:29,620 What about a kidney? That's the classic thing. 545 00:32:29,620 --> 00:32:32,060 Anything from £10,000 to £20,000. 546 00:32:32,060 --> 00:32:37,180 You know last year I donated a kidney. Of course, they wanted to know where I got it from. 547 00:32:38,940 --> 00:32:40,020 Lungs? 548 00:32:40,820 --> 00:32:47,220 - £25,000 a pair. - £75,000. Very valuable, lungs. - Very, very valuable... 549 00:32:48,180 --> 00:32:51,540 All your body parts are, we reckon, about £400,000. 550 00:32:51,540 --> 00:32:55,460 So you've got £400,120 so far. 551 00:32:55,460 --> 00:32:59,940 The thing is, when you get your donor card, it says, "We'll donate your stuff" 552 00:32:59,940 --> 00:33:03,180 and you go, "Yeah, OK, I'll donate it." 553 00:33:03,180 --> 00:33:07,700 - Should be able to sell it, shouldn't you? - You could, I suppose. 554 00:33:07,700 --> 00:33:12,220 - I carry a donor card but I... - That's so you can got a kebab at night. 555 00:33:12,220 --> 00:33:16,100 No, I... LAUGHTER 556 00:33:16,100 --> 00:33:22,780 I carry it but I haven't signed it because I want someone else to have the use of it after I've died. 557 00:33:25,780 --> 00:33:28,180 APPLAUSE 558 00:33:29,020 --> 00:33:32,460 And then there are the chemical components which we mentioned. 559 00:33:32,460 --> 00:33:34,580 Ten gallons of water, which doesn't go for much, 560 00:33:34,580 --> 00:33:40,380 - enough carbon for a sack of coal... - Sorry, enough carbon for a sack of coal?! 561 00:33:40,380 --> 00:33:43,300 We're a carbon-based life form. It's our main feature. 562 00:33:43,300 --> 00:33:46,700 A packet of bone meal fertiliser you could get out of a human. 563 00:33:46,700 --> 00:33:49,540 A bag of salt, a few nails from the iron. 564 00:33:49,540 --> 00:33:54,500 And the small trace elements, like the 0.4mg of gold, which is not much. 565 00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:59,780 You probably wouldn't get much change out of £10 but it's not very much for all your worth. 566 00:33:59,780 --> 00:34:04,980 So, frankly, half a million if you're very, very... in good order. 567 00:34:04,980 --> 00:34:09,140 It's silly to burn it, then, at the end, isn't it? 568 00:34:09,140 --> 00:34:11,020 Quite a lot going on there. 569 00:34:11,020 --> 00:34:16,180 If it wasn't the organ donation type thing, if it was just the chemicals and the stuff we're made of... 570 00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:21,500 About a tenner. In reality, of course, everybody's priceless. 571 00:34:21,500 --> 00:34:23,740 What is the point of teenagers? 572 00:34:23,740 --> 00:34:28,700 Are they the only group that you're legally allowed to punch? 573 00:34:31,300 --> 00:34:35,020 - I might have dreamt that. - You probably did. - Oh, right. 574 00:34:35,020 --> 00:34:39,700 The thing about teenagers is that they don't think of themselves as remarkable and strange. 575 00:34:39,700 --> 00:34:42,940 People look at them and think they sound odd, they speak oddly, 576 00:34:42,940 --> 00:34:46,660 but they communicate amongst themselves very efficiently... 577 00:34:46,660 --> 00:34:49,980 - Absolutely right. - ..and really ought to be breeding. 578 00:34:49,980 --> 00:34:54,860 - In fact, in many areas... - They are. Almost pre... 579 00:34:54,860 --> 00:34:59,820 Cos they like being together, they don't want to be with anybody else 580 00:34:59,820 --> 00:35:04,420 and they are sexually ready for children. That's the point of teenagers. 581 00:35:04,420 --> 00:35:09,740 They do think differently. You can use MRI, and there were a number of experiments 582 00:35:09,740 --> 00:35:13,780 with adults and adolescents, with brain scans 583 00:35:13,780 --> 00:35:18,500 and they were both shown, for example, a woman in a particular emotional state 584 00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:21,700 and they were asked what emotional state it was. 585 00:35:21,700 --> 00:35:23,780 All the adults answered correctly 586 00:35:23,780 --> 00:35:27,580 but lots of the teenagers couldn't interpret the emotion. 587 00:35:27,580 --> 00:35:30,980 It was found they use a different part of their brain to do so. 588 00:35:30,980 --> 00:35:34,700 So when an adult is having a row with a teenager and they're not understanding each other, 589 00:35:34,700 --> 00:35:37,700 it's really because they have different ways of thinking. 590 00:35:37,700 --> 00:35:41,300 They don't like it if you try and use their language. 591 00:35:41,300 --> 00:35:46,340 - I remember going up to some teenagers outside the pub, going, "Look at that - minge-er - over there." 592 00:35:46,340 --> 00:35:49,780 And they went, "Oh, for God's sake, it's minger." 593 00:35:49,780 --> 00:35:55,420 And one of them went, "And that's my mum," so, obviously, I... 594 00:35:57,100 --> 00:36:02,820 There are those who propose the argument, like Alan, that they are the proper state 595 00:36:02,820 --> 00:36:09,540 and we've grown down from that into our rather more fixed, rigid and rational... 596 00:36:09,540 --> 00:36:12,380 - It's the best time of life, in a way. - Yeah. 597 00:36:12,380 --> 00:36:16,220 When you're very sad as a teenager, you feel like everything is going to end 598 00:36:16,220 --> 00:36:20,340 but the next day, something amazingly brilliant happens, like you hear a new band. 599 00:36:20,340 --> 00:36:22,380 You're right, absolutely. 600 00:36:22,380 --> 00:36:24,020 And then everything's just great again. 601 00:36:24,020 --> 00:36:27,180 If you see a film you like, you just love it and watch it eight times. 602 00:36:27,180 --> 00:36:29,820 You never forget it, the whole of your life. 603 00:36:29,820 --> 00:36:35,340 The things you really love or discover at that age stay with you for the rest of your life. 604 00:36:35,340 --> 00:36:40,300 I agree. The Republic of Adolescence is a fine place to live and it's a shame ever to leave it. 605 00:36:40,300 --> 00:36:44,660 Maybe teenagers are the real thing and it's the adults who are behaving oddly. 606 00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:49,820 Oh, the humanity! It's time for General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers if you please. 607 00:36:49,820 --> 00:36:53,260 Name the fastest human runner of all time. 608 00:36:55,260 --> 00:36:57,140 Ah, now... 609 00:36:57,140 --> 00:37:00,100 ROAR I'm going to go Usain Bolt 610 00:37:01,580 --> 00:37:04,700 He is! Did you not watch it? It was on telly. 611 00:37:05,620 --> 00:37:09,540 He's called Bolt, for God's sake. What more do you want? 612 00:37:09,540 --> 00:37:12,540 The argument for him being one of the fastest is strong. 613 00:37:12,540 --> 00:37:15,940 What, him winning and being the fastest? 614 00:37:15,940 --> 00:37:20,140 - He won that race. - He won that race, yes. You think you're faster, do you? 615 00:37:20,140 --> 00:37:22,860 I think T8 was faster. 616 00:37:22,860 --> 00:37:26,060 - T8? - T8. - Who's that? 617 00:37:26,060 --> 00:37:29,220 A fossilised footprint in Australia, from Aboriginal people. 618 00:37:29,220 --> 00:37:33,620 You can tell from the strides that they ran really fast. 619 00:37:33,620 --> 00:37:39,340 - What were they running from? - The white man. - Possibly. They had good reason to. 620 00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:42,980 Usain Bolt can reach 27mph for a second or two. 621 00:37:42,980 --> 00:37:49,460 Which is very, very impressive, but rabbits run at 35mph and that's much more exciting. 622 00:37:49,460 --> 00:37:54,820 - It is not as fast as a rabbit. - It's not as fast as Jimmy Carr when it's his round. 623 00:37:58,300 --> 00:37:59,980 20,000 years ago 624 00:37:59,980 --> 00:38:05,820 on the Gold Coast they discovered these footprints and one of the males was running at 23mph. 625 00:38:05,820 --> 00:38:10,980 So Usain Bolt can travel 27mph on a running track, with spiked shoes, 626 00:38:10,980 --> 00:38:15,460 whereas T8 was in mud, barefoot and was accelerating. 627 00:38:15,460 --> 00:38:19,300 We don't know how much faster he got. Seems likely he was faster than Bolt. 628 00:38:19,300 --> 00:38:24,420 It's quite likely he wasn't the fastest of his 150,000-strong tribe, 629 00:38:24,420 --> 00:38:30,180 so anthropologists believe he could have gone up to 28mph. 630 00:38:30,180 --> 00:38:34,740 - Usain Bolt wasn't being chased by a lion, was he? - There is also that. 631 00:38:34,740 --> 00:38:38,220 For all we know, he could have been a fat bloke who was about 45 632 00:38:38,220 --> 00:38:40,820 and all the others were REALLY fast... 633 00:38:40,820 --> 00:38:45,460 - Exactly. - ..doing 48mph. How do they tell, is it the stride length? 634 00:38:45,460 --> 00:38:49,820 I think it is, stride length, depth of impress. They can be pretty accurate. 635 00:38:49,820 --> 00:38:55,140 Maybe they had a rock in the shape of a foot and they did it for a laugh. 636 00:38:55,140 --> 00:38:56,780 It's true, it's true. 637 00:38:56,780 --> 00:39:00,220 I'm not saying Usain Bolt isn't fast. Anyway, now, 638 00:39:00,220 --> 00:39:05,900 footprints in Australia suggest some of our ancestors were much faster than the best athletes today. 639 00:39:05,900 --> 00:39:08,660 The fastest one we know of was called T8. 640 00:39:08,660 --> 00:39:10,460 Now, how are saunas good for you? 641 00:39:11,180 --> 00:39:14,020 JIMMY CARR: What's going on over there?! 642 00:39:15,980 --> 00:39:18,220 What's happening on the far right? 643 00:39:18,220 --> 00:39:20,020 I'm not quite sure. 644 00:39:21,900 --> 00:39:24,020 If I'm not very much mistaken... 645 00:39:24,460 --> 00:39:26,940 And his missus is just watching! 646 00:39:28,060 --> 00:39:31,380 He's probably showing her how to do it. 647 00:39:31,620 --> 00:39:35,140 What's happening in the middle? That's even more peculiar. 648 00:39:35,140 --> 00:39:40,580 That woman on her own, she needs to sort out her bikini line big-time. 649 00:39:42,780 --> 00:39:44,900 Yes, it's an unusual sight, that, I grant you. 650 00:39:44,900 --> 00:39:46,660 It's an early sauna of some kind. 651 00:39:47,300 --> 00:39:51,420 JACK: Can I suggest they're just not good for you, it's a trick question? 652 00:39:51,420 --> 00:39:55,620 Well, I'm sure they don't do too much harm but what they're not good at, 653 00:39:55,620 --> 00:40:00,060 one of the major claims that's made for them is that they release toxins from your body, 654 00:40:00,060 --> 00:40:02,220 they don't do that. 655 00:40:02,220 --> 00:40:06,620 People say, "Good for a hangover, go in, all the toxins go out." They don't. 656 00:40:06,620 --> 00:40:11,460 - You need a fry-up. - When you sweat, you lose some salt, which is a good thing to have in your body, 657 00:40:11,460 --> 00:40:13,060 but you don't get rid of toxins. 658 00:40:13,060 --> 00:40:17,900 - Is that a real thing, that you can run off a...when you're drunk? - Here they go again. 659 00:40:19,260 --> 00:40:21,580 It's the fella from the Joy Of Sex. 660 00:40:22,180 --> 00:40:28,700 The point is that people think it's good for a hangover because it gets rid of toxins 661 00:40:28,700 --> 00:40:32,140 but it dehydrates you because you sweat a lot. 662 00:40:32,140 --> 00:40:36,300 - It's uncomfortable and unpleasant. - And who uses it for losing weight? 663 00:40:36,300 --> 00:40:39,300 - Boxers, before the weigh-in. - And jockeys. 664 00:40:39,300 --> 00:40:45,300 And again, you lose weight in a sauna just by dehydrating. 665 00:40:45,300 --> 00:40:47,980 Are those kitchen scales? Is he really tiny? 666 00:40:49,860 --> 00:40:52,220 He's very cheerful, whatever he is. 667 00:40:52,220 --> 00:40:54,420 A sauna won't remove toxins from your body 668 00:40:54,420 --> 00:40:57,660 and if you're hungover, you might end up even more dehydrated. 669 00:40:57,660 --> 00:41:00,180 Which disease could this animal give you? 670 00:41:00,180 --> 00:41:04,340 HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING 671 00:41:04,340 --> 00:41:06,420 - Oh, go on. - Malaria. 672 00:41:06,420 --> 00:41:09,420 Oh! Jack, you were doing so well. 673 00:41:12,580 --> 00:41:14,260 Well, that's how I got it. 674 00:41:14,260 --> 00:41:19,820 It was a mosquito, but you never get malaria from a mosquito that buzzes. 675 00:41:19,820 --> 00:41:23,660 - Silent but deadly. - Sorry? Silent but deadly... 676 00:41:24,060 --> 00:41:26,420 SBD. 677 00:41:26,420 --> 00:41:31,340 It's the females of some species of Anopheles mosquito that don't make a noise 678 00:41:31,340 --> 00:41:36,780 and usually it's the ankle, usually the lower limbs, they're the ones you've got to watch out for. 679 00:41:36,780 --> 00:41:40,780 If you can hear it, it's a nuisance and it can give you yellow fever, 680 00:41:40,780 --> 00:41:45,900 and it can give you dengue fever, which is worse that some forms of light malaria, 681 00:41:45,900 --> 00:41:49,660 so it's not that they're harmless but they won't give you malaria if you can hear them. 682 00:41:49,660 --> 00:41:55,820 Bill Gates has got that foundation with Warren Buffett, he set up this incredible thing 683 00:41:55,820 --> 00:41:58,060 and they think they're going to be able to tackle malaria, 684 00:41:58,060 --> 00:42:02,300 which is extraordinary when you think about some geek in a garage starting a computer company. 685 00:42:02,300 --> 00:42:07,300 It's marvellous. They are the deadliest disease vector in history. 686 00:42:07,300 --> 00:42:10,900 In fact, over half the people who have ever lived on this planet 687 00:42:10,900 --> 00:42:12,660 have been killed by mosquitoes. 688 00:42:12,660 --> 00:42:17,060 Over half the people who have ever lived. 689 00:42:17,060 --> 00:42:23,220 If we could wipe them out, it wouldn't be good either because they are vital pollinators. 690 00:42:23,220 --> 00:42:27,580 A buzzing mosquito cannot give you malaria, though it might give you something equally unpleasant. 691 00:42:27,580 --> 00:42:30,580 Which brings us to the end of the show. And before we go, 692 00:42:30,580 --> 00:42:34,660 let's see who's the winner in this human race. 693 00:42:34,660 --> 00:42:37,340 Well, it's a very exciting outcome, I have to say. 694 00:42:37,340 --> 00:42:41,220 The pinnacle of evolution, with a score of plus four, 695 00:42:41,220 --> 00:42:45,020 - is Jo Brand! - Oh, my Lord! - APPLAUSE 696 00:42:46,660 --> 00:42:47,820 CHEERING 697 00:42:47,820 --> 00:42:49,500 Very good. 698 00:42:50,980 --> 00:42:55,980 I am astonished. The missing link, with a plus score of three 699 00:42:55,980 --> 00:42:57,940 is Alan Davies. 700 00:42:57,940 --> 00:43:00,180 CHEERING, APPLAUSE 701 00:43:01,900 --> 00:43:06,220 Slightly dragging his knuckles along the ground with minus two 702 00:43:06,220 --> 00:43:09,260 - is Jack Dee. - APPLAUSE 703 00:43:12,060 --> 00:43:16,860 But heading, I'm afraid...heading for extinction with minus three, 704 00:43:16,860 --> 00:43:20,380 - Jimmy Carr. - APPLAUSE 705 00:43:25,820 --> 00:43:30,180 So all that's left is for me to thank Jo, Jimmy, Jack and, of course, Alan 706 00:43:30,180 --> 00:43:33,740 and I leave you with this thought about being human and being happy. 707 00:43:33,740 --> 00:43:37,820 If you really want to be happy, all you have to do is say, "I am beautiful." 708 00:43:37,820 --> 00:43:42,060 So I want you all tonight to go and look at the mirror 709 00:43:42,060 --> 00:43:45,260 and say, "Stephen Fry is beautiful." Good night. 710 00:44:07,100 --> 00:44:10,220 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 711 00:44:10,220 --> 00:44:12,340 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk