1 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:36,760 Oh, how do you do, how do you do, how do you do, how do you do? 3 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:42,240 Welcome to the QI zoo for a show about animals that start with an H. 4 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,840 Lined up for feeding time, we have the hawk-eyed Sean Lock! 5 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:50,240 Thank you. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:54,760 - The hare-footed Ross Noble... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,920 The heavily-petted Ruby Wax! 8 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:03,360 And the hung like a horsefly Alan Davies. 10 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,360 Now... 12 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,720 Let's have a peep at your horns. Sean goes... 13 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,680 MELODIC TONE PLAYS 14 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:16,720 Ruby goes... 15 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:17,760 SQUEAKY HONKING 16 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,000 Oh, what's that? That's a woman sound. 17 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,720 - Ross goes... - FOGHORN BLARES 18 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:24,760 And Alan goes... 19 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:29,400 PRETTY TUNE FADES TONELESSLY 20 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,920 - Oh. - LAUGHTER 21 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,080 Where better to begin than question one? 22 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,400 We start with an opportunity for easy points. 23 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:40,280 - Two points for each animal you can name that has horns. - SQUEAKY HONKING 24 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:41,880 - Yes? - OK, goat, elk, 25 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,240 buffalo, ox, 26 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,000 - Dixon, Prancer, Rudolph... - LAUGHTER 27 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,760 Cats who dress up as devils on Hallowe'en. 28 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,880 Um... Oxen, did I say that? 29 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,920 Goats. My mother. 30 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:54,960 Unicorn! 31 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,640 - KLAXON BLARES - Unicorn, no! 32 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,080 - Why? - Rhino. 33 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,440 KLAXON BLARES 34 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,000 - Antelope! - Cat! - Antelope is fine. 35 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,040 - I already said cat! - What about a Viking dog? - There we go. 36 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:14,840 Cos it would have the horns. 37 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,560 It might! 38 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:20,960 Strictly speaking, I know you'll say the Vikings didn't have horns on. 39 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:24,000 The point about a horn is that it must be bone. Technically, 40 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:28,080 a horn is bone, not what a rhino has, which is...? 41 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,600 - Hair. - Hair, exactly. - Tell that to the rhino. 42 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:34,240 - Exactly. - I think you'll find it's a horn. 43 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,480 I don't know if you've ever seen a wet rhino, 44 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,840 but it actually just flops down, like that. 45 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:43,360 Quite often, you'll find, on nature programmes, 46 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,480 when you zoom in on the sound, 47 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,720 you hear them going, "Oh, I'm having a bad horn day!" 48 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,080 - I've got split ends! - I thought it was like a fingernail. 49 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,760 - A what? - Made out of toenail? 50 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,360 That's the same thing as hair. 51 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,280 Your nails and your hair - keratin. 52 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,200 Oh! I had no idea. 53 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:05,520 If we let it just go, eventually, we would have a horn? 54 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,520 Humans can have horns, funnily enough. 55 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:12,240 There was a late 18th-century nun, who grew a horn. 56 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:16,200 Her nunnery was invaded by Napoleonic troops. 57 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,720 She grew that horn, specifically to ward off people attacking them? 58 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,400 She went, "Let's not get spears and knives..."? 59 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:27,040 She was locked in an asylum and banged her head, regularly, 60 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:31,360 against the wall or table and she started to grow a horn. 61 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,160 - It was a most peculiar thing. - Brilliant! I'm doing it. 62 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,560 Just carry on. 63 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:39,080 She eventually had it cut off, cos it was going into her eye. 64 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:42,520 What a waste! She should've had a Bible with a hook on it 65 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:46,680 and she could've hung it there and then she'd be peeling potatoes, 66 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,120 reading the Bible. 67 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,320 LAUGHTER 68 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,600 You're right. 69 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,280 They should have that on QVC. 70 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,960 "Are you sick of not being able to read the Bible 71 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,760 "whilst doing domestic duties? Try banging your head off a wall. 72 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,480 "It works for nuns. Eight out of ten nuns prefer it." 73 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:07,320 That drawing doesn't seem to be the most convincing evidence. 74 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:12,200 That sounds like there's a picture and someone thought, "I won't do a Hitler moustache. 75 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,640 "I'll stick a horn on her!" 76 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:19,440 But that looks less like a horn, more like she's put half a croissant. 77 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:22,040 - It does! - It's like all that banging... 78 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:26,160 The Mother Superior should've just said, "Just cut half a croissant." 79 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,680 Little bit of jam and that would've done the job. 80 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,640 Instead, she went, "Dur!" and stabbed herself in the hand. 81 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:32,960 SEAN: Is an antler a horn? 82 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,800 - Yes. - Ah, no. 83 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,840 An antler is different. Why is an antler different? 84 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:40,200 It's made of wood. 85 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:45,200 - An antler's different cos it's shed. - It's shed? - Yes, every year. 86 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:49,800 - What do they keep in this shed? - Ah, no! They shed. - They keep their antlers in a shed? 87 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,640 I know so little! 88 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,520 - So, when the two horned creatures are going at it... - Locked. 89 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:01,280 - When they lock horns. - Does that ever happen with nuns? 90 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:04,800 One of them goes, "That's mine." "It's not!" 91 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,000 HE TRUMPETS 92 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,440 I'd pay... I'd walk a mile on broken glass to see that. 93 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,480 I'd be there. I'd also pay to hunt them as well. 94 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,920 Imagine that, going on a nun hunt! 95 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,640 Some men fantasise about two nuns locking horns. That's sexy. 96 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:22,840 That animal on the left, I hope it's called the Mr Whippy goat. 97 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,600 LAUGHTER 98 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,960 Whoever named it missed a real opportunity. 99 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,120 I doubt it is called the Mr Whippy goat. 100 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,160 It's more of an antelope than a goat. 101 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:35,160 The animal on the left, would you say that it's evolved 102 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,800 to have some kind of fear of sound? 103 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,200 Yes! They are big receptors. 104 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,040 Aware that perhaps its predators may sneak up on it. 105 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,320 LAUGHTER 106 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,080 It is blessed, it is a nervous creature. 107 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,560 The Princess Leia of the moose world. 108 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:54,080 "We'll need bigger ears, cos they're still sneaking up on us." 109 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:58,440 Those are all proper horns there, on the antelope, 110 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,680 - on the horned toad and on the... What's the other one? - Buffalo. 111 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:06,080 - Yes. - I think the buffalo's horns evolved so nobody took it seriously. 112 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:11,560 - Yes, they look upside-down, or something. - So sad and pathetic. And then nobody would attack it, 113 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,240 they'd just laugh at it and go, "Oh, you've been lumbered, mate!" 114 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:20,760 They just evolved living in a field with quite a low gate. 115 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:21,960 Yes! 116 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,000 Ah, the horns have caught on the gate again. 117 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:31,120 How comes, over years of evolution, you've got an animal like that, 118 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:35,640 with those sorts of horns and no animal has developed quoits? 119 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,280 Are you speaking English? 120 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:42,920 - Did you just say to him, "Are you speaking English?" - Yeah, I've never heard it. 121 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:48,360 - Have you never heard a Geordie accent before? - Not from something with hair that's never been combed. 122 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,720 LAUGHTER 123 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:54,680 I'd just point out, I am part of the show. I'm not on the screen. 124 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,560 OK. I thought that was... 125 00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:00,040 You're sat there, going, "What the hell is that thing?!" 126 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,840 LAUGHTER 127 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:09,000 - I figured you just banged your head, constantly. - I'll come at you like a nun! 128 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:13,040 I can see where he's a shock to a delicately nurtured creature. 129 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,080 That's one of the worst threats I've ever heard! 130 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,360 "I'll come at you like a nun!" 131 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:18,960 "Would you like a sweet?" 132 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,000 I think I've got a new catchphrase now! 133 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,120 Excellent, well, well done everybody. 134 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,640 Many things that we call horns actually aren't. 135 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:33,680 What would happen if you threw a hippo in the deep end of your local swimming pool? 136 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,440 It would sink. 137 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,320 - It would sink. - Yeah. - In the winters, I live in Miami 138 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,800 and they all look like that. But they have lipstick on, 139 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,120 - so nobody would bat an eye. - They wouldn't. 140 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,600 They walk along the bottom, that's what they do. 141 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:51,840 That's exactly what they do. What hippos don't do is swim. 142 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:54,800 But it's not the first thing that would happen. 143 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:59,000 - You'd get your swimming card revoked, would be the first thing. - Yes! 144 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,680 Also, Ross, I think there'd be a huge sense of relief 145 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,880 that you'd finally got rid of the hippo, 146 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:08,480 got through the turnstiles with it, through the changing rooms, and then you think, 147 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,320 "Oh, Christ, at least I've bloody done it! 148 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,520 "Oh, dear, wait till the guys hear about this!" 149 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,320 Probably take the traffic cone off your head. 150 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,320 So, this one would die, cos he's got floaties on. 151 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:23,560 - And, actually, they need... - That is a mistake. They can float, 152 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,560 and they can drop to the bottom. What they can't do is swim. 153 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:27,720 Is do the backstroke. 154 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:33,000 - Which is why that ident on BBC One, where they swimming in a circle... - All wrong. - Factually incorrect. 155 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,600 - They're doing a sort of doggy paddle, aren't they? - A lot of EastEnders isn't true either. 156 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,760 LAUGHTER 157 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,600 That's ridiculous! 158 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:43,840 APPLAUSE 159 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,960 How, then, do they get out of a river? 160 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,040 A small boy in pyjamas dives in and saves them. 161 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,200 No, they walk along the bottom, 162 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,360 - or bounce and stride... - Oh, I know! 163 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,920 - They fill their lungs and float to the top. - No, they just walk to the shallow part. 164 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:03,600 Sometimes they carry a small thing of helium. They get to the surface, 165 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:04,800 then just keep going. 166 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:08,440 - They certainly can't use a ladder! - No, you're right. 167 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,280 You said that with anger, like, "Bloody hippos!" 168 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,800 Like you've paid a few of them to do some decorating. 169 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,080 And they were just sat round, smoking. 170 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:21,960 "Can't even use a bloody ladder! I'm sick of it." 171 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,480 The fact is, they just walk up the shallow bit, to get onto land. 172 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,200 That is a good point. 173 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,120 If a hippo did go into a swimming pool 174 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,520 and it didn't have a shallow end, how would it get out? 175 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,440 Probably couldn't. It could certainly float, as you said. 176 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,400 When they sleep, they put just a tiny bit of their nostrils up 177 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,160 so they can breathe and float. 178 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,880 So how many hippos a year die 179 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,800 due to Sean pushing them into swimming pools? 180 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,520 It's a growing problem. 181 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,280 How many teeth does a hippo have? 182 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,280 MELODIC TONE PLAYS 183 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:54,160 A full-grown one has 40. And the reason I know that's a fact 184 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,680 is I got asked a question by my daughter the other day, 185 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,720 "Dad, how many teeth has a hippo got?" 186 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,680 and I went, "Let's go over to this little bit of equipment here..." 187 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:06,520 Are you sure you didn't go, "Well, I'd tell you, 188 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,720 "but I just pushed my last one into a swimming pool." 189 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,240 They always have those photos with their massive mouths open, 190 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:17,160 - and there's two at the top and two at the bottom. - That's it. - No. 191 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,360 LAUGHTER 192 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:22,000 It said that a full-grown hippo has 40, minimum of 40. 193 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,320 - Is that Wikipedia? - No. No. 194 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,120 It was hippoteeth.com. 195 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:32,480 Now, the hippo is not afraid of predators sneaking up on it. 196 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,560 No. Smaller ears. 197 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,120 - Tiny little ears, barely needs them. - That's right. 198 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:40,000 "What could we hear that would bother us?" 199 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,920 They're very hard to shoot. Why would that be? 200 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,600 - Underwater? - No, it's their... - Oh, they've got... 201 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,760 They've got night vision goggles. LAUGHTER 202 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,480 - They can go underground? They can fly? - Their skin. 203 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,080 Their hide is unbelievably thick. Their skin weighs a tonne. 204 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:57,680 It's a quarter of their whole body weight, is their hide. 205 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:02,400 It's unbelievably thick. Most bullets would bounce off, or at least fall down, not penetrate. 206 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,920 Don't give him ideas. He's already pushing them into swimming pools! 207 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,680 He's in the water. 208 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:13,360 Looking at those light patches round the eyes - has it been on a sun bed? 209 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:18,640 People often think do they get, somehow, sunburn? 210 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,800 - They do. - They get very red. 211 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,920 And it looks like sunburn to us, 212 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,960 but actually, they give off a red oil. 213 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,560 People genuinely used to think they bled through their skin. 214 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:31,600 He puts his ears over his eyes, like that, look. 215 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,760 What would that be doing for them? 216 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,480 LAUGHTER 217 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,000 It keeps their skin moisturised. 218 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,560 Right, well, moving on... 219 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,240 Hippos can't swim, but they can float. 220 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:47,520 If you threw one in the deep end, it would likely allow itself to sink to the bottom, 221 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:52,160 before walking to the shallow end. What's the point of having a head like a hammer? 222 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,800 Oh, my LORD! 223 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,960 - Oh, my gracious. - You mean like a shark? 224 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,280 - Yes, like a shark. - Like a shark. 225 00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,600 I know that one. 226 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,160 When they approach it, I imagine most creatures who approach it 227 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,480 don't recognise it as another creature, 228 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,200 till they get round the side. Whoops, too late! 229 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,520 Or it's pulling a face, then God said, 230 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,600 "If you do that one more time, It's going to stick." 231 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,240 - Their eyes are on the end, aren't they? - They've got eyes on the end. 232 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,480 It's not fully understood, to be honest, 233 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,600 but it certainly gives it an extraordinary depth perception, 234 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,360 - to have eyes that far apart. - It's a bottom feeder. 235 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,960 - I like to talk about bottom feeders. - Do you, Ruby? 236 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,080 - Somebody's got to do it. - Yep. 237 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,400 They're like hoovers, hoovers of the sea. 238 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:37,680 They eat flatfish and stingrays that live on the bottom that often camouflage themselves under sand. 239 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:42,520 How do they detect things that are camouflaged? Not with their eyes. 240 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:46,000 With their fins. They go like that. LAUGHTER 241 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,280 - They have things called... - Do they smell everything? 242 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,200 They have ampullae. A lot of sharks do. 243 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,920 - And it smells? - No, they detect electrical movement, 244 00:12:55,920 --> 00:13:00,840 so sensitively that the electrical movement you or I make by operating our muscles, 245 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:02,920 they could detect that. 246 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,760 And they detect it in a shifting fish. 247 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,040 It seems that gives them a really impressive... 248 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:11,160 Rather like a sort of long radar antenna. 249 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,560 - So you'd really mess with their heads if you chucked in a toaster? - Yes! 250 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:20,200 Cos the trouble with a hammerhead shark is, it's very hard for it to do a double take. 251 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,000 Ooh, me neck! 252 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,680 It's a comic nightmare. 253 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,840 I've just realised what's missing from your average shark. 254 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,680 They haven't got any lips. 255 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:30,720 No, they haven't. 256 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,040 - That's why they look so hideous. - It does give them a nasty look. 257 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,920 If you gave them a bit of collagen, a bit of colour, they'd look quite attractive. 258 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,160 They'd come up lovely. 259 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:44,960 - Much more sinister if a shark came up to you, before it bit you, it went, "Mwah!" - What about their teeth, 260 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,600 Sean, as you are an expert on animal teeth? 261 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,360 - Yeah. How many teeth? - Do you know about shark teeth? 262 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,840 Have you got a computer? I can check it for you. 263 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:58,280 Sharks' teeth are interesting. They have a row of a lot of teeth and then they have rows behind... 264 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,920 - They come forward, when they lose them. - That's it. 265 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,720 They lose a tooth and another one comes forward, like a conveyer belt. 266 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,720 - With dolphins, sorry to go off of sharks... - It's fine. 267 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,400 They detect when something's dying. 268 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,440 That's how they figure out to go for it. 269 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,400 I went swimming with one. 270 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:21,880 They say, "If you have false breasts, don't go in, cos it'll ram you over and over again." 271 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,880 Sometimes kids who are disabled go in, 272 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,240 - and then it nudges them. - With sharks?! 273 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,800 - Not with sharks. - We're on dolphins. - Oh, sorry, I missed that. 274 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,600 I thought you were putting disabled kids in with sharks! 275 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,560 I was thinking, "What sort of charity is this?!" 276 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,640 LAUGHTER 277 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,360 I'm going to give them some money! 278 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,000 The reason for that 279 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:47,080 is everyone thinks they've got this perception and all the rest of it, it's not. 280 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,800 It's because they get in there, they think it's a ball. 281 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,080 The next thing you know, it's up on the nose, 282 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,160 they're going along like that, woman's knocker on the top, 283 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,920 "Uh! Uh! Uh!" 284 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:58,640 But they always give you instructions. 285 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:05,000 They always give you a pep talk and say never touch a dolphin underneath its waistline. 286 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,160 Cos they get very excited. 287 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:12,640 But they extend their penises for a lift. You hold on and they give you a lift. 288 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,160 If they've already got somebody on the top deck. 289 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:20,800 "Got no room on top, you'll have to go down below." 290 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,320 This is true! These are facts. 291 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:27,160 I can't help it if I've got an enquiring mind. 292 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,160 They have been known to save people, haven't they? 293 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,800 Nudge people to shore who are in trouble? 294 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:37,320 There are stories going back to the Ancient Greeks, of course. I've swum with dolphins as well. 295 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,360 It is quite an extraordinary experience. 296 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,840 SEAN: It's terrible when they reject you. 297 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,520 That's horrible. 298 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:47,040 All your family and therapists are standing on the beach... 299 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,960 It's freezing cold and there's loads of dolphins, 300 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,720 just pissing off back to the sea. 301 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:56,000 Then you look round, and you go... 302 00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,360 "I suppose we'd better just carry on with the medication, then?" 303 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,040 LAUGHTER 304 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,320 If they rejected you, Sean... 305 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,000 LAUGHTER 306 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,400 "I mean, at least we tried." 307 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,560 LAUGHTER 308 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,680 "Can I have a towel?" 309 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,680 Sean, if they rejected you, it's because you're strong and whole. 310 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,400 They're not interested in fit people. 311 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,800 They're drawn towards the weak and the disadvantaged - 312 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,360 you're clearly totally fit. 313 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,240 I was talking to a marine biologist, who basically said, 314 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,680 "Oh, they're these amazing creatures and you can swim with them. 315 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,600 "Actually, they're a bunch of fighting, rag-tag..." 316 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:37,560 If you see proper wild dolphins, they've got lumps out of them, bits missing... 317 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:41,960 I love the idea that people are going, "I want this amazing experience..." 318 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,600 Serene and mystical and lyrical... 319 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,800 When actually, it's just like being chucked in with a bunch of wet skinheads. 320 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,200 - Yep. - Get in there! 321 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:54,480 And they bully each other. And they attack porpoises. 322 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,080 How do they tell each other apart? 323 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:01,400 - In the same way that anyone else would! - No, no. 324 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,960 That's a good question. How do ants tell... 325 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:08,680 when they meet a beetle, that it's not an ant? How do they know? 326 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,920 You meet a beetle, go, "All right?" 327 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,280 how does it know? Cos they can't see, can they? 328 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,440 Ants can't see. 329 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,040 - Yes, they can! - Oh, go back to school, Stephen! 330 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,800 LAUGHTER 331 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,480 Maybe I'm going on the wrong website! 332 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,480 - I think you might've been! - It's Jordan's Animal Facts I'm going on. 333 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:27,800 LAUGHTER 334 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,440 "Ask Jordan." That's where I get my animal information. 335 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:39,120 How do they learn to do the ballet, the dolphins? You know, 336 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:43,120 when they go up like a mix master? How do they know how to do that? 337 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,280 Millions of years of practice. Evolution. 338 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:50,840 Can you imagine the sex with that one? That would be exciting. The Kama Sutra of the dolphin world. 339 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,200 It's not often I find myself in a group of people 340 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,360 thinking I'm the most normal, sane and balanced person there, 341 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,800 but I'm happy to feel that today. 342 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:03,680 Nobody really knows why hammerheads have such odd heads, but it seems it allows them to detect more food. 343 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:07,680 Why is it hard to hang on to a hagfish? There's a hagfish. 344 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:12,240 - I know. - Yes? - It releases mucous. - The hagfish? - To defend itself, 345 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:13,760 which works in real life. 346 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,360 If anybody ever comes at me, I just sneeze at them, 347 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:20,200 - and they back off. - I don't think you could produce the kind of slime 348 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,880 that a hagfish could produce. 349 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,880 You don't know me. I'm very young and fertile. 350 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:30,000 Have a look at a hagfish releasing slime and tell me you could produce as much. 351 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,680 That is producing that. It can turn a bucket of 20 litres 352 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,960 of water into slime in minutes. 353 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,040 That's a great party piece. 354 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:47,840 I actually think... I think my baby daughter might be a hagfish. 355 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,160 LAUGHTER 356 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,040 Cos that's nothing. 357 00:18:56,040 --> 00:19:02,280 To be honest with you, I've got that on my trousers every morning. 358 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:06,000 It also can tie itself into knots, which is another impressive thing. 359 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,720 It literally does a slipknot or an overhand knot. 360 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,800 - It's quite bizarre. - Given the choice, 361 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:15,000 if I had to have special powers, I'd like to be bitten by one of them. 362 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,640 Because excreting mucous would be... 363 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:21,160 Spider-Man is all very well - do a bit of climbing and that. 364 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,960 Imagine if you were just sat in a chair and someone went, "Do your thing," and you just went... 365 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,320 - That would be fantastic! - It'd be brilliant. 366 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,320 If somebody tried to get you in a headlock, you'd just go... 367 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,320 Voomf! 368 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:37,640 - That's what it does. - Ross, superheroes are meant to help people. 369 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,120 How would you help people with this? 370 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:43,880 Spider-Man helps people. How would you help people with this mucous? 371 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:47,000 "There's a child, it's got its head in the railings." Vmfff. 372 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,640 LAUGHTER 373 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,880 "Oh, no! This..." APPLAUSE 374 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,440 That one. Or... 375 00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:00,000 Yeah, that's a really good comic book story, isn't it?! 376 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,440 This gravy is unnecessarily runny. Vmfff. 377 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,160 - This couple is dry-humping. - Exactly! 378 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,520 Exactly. 379 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,680 Various things. 380 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:14,280 I'd rather have hippo powers, though. 381 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:19,560 Cos you're bulletproof, you can run at 35mph and you can walk on the bottom of the deep end 382 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,720 AND you only have to brush four teeth in the morning. 383 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:27,280 The only trouble with that is your arch-nemesis, lock boy, 384 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,360 pushes you into a swimming pool. 385 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,600 "I can't get out!" 386 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,880 That's how they talk. 387 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:40,320 Hagfish are hard to hold because they tie themselves in a knot and ooze slime in all directions. 388 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,920 How would you collect the snot from a sneezing humpback? 389 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,080 - Is mucous our word of the day? - No, just linked. 390 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:50,120 - They sneeze through their blowhole. - They don't sneeze, 391 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:55,680 they can't sneeze, but they breathe out. When you see a humpback whale breathing out, 392 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:59,000 it is breath. It contains mucous. 393 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:04,760 - So, who collects it? - A scientist interested in monitoring 394 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:09,160 the health of a humpback. Why is it important to see whether humpbacks have got colds or flu? 395 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:13,200 - Because a sick one, you can push it towards the Japanese. - No, no! 396 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,520 - Because... - LAUGHTER 397 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:19,600 Then they go, "Oh, we'll have that one and knock off early." 398 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:27,120 No, because, like birds, like pigs, they get flu that jumps species to man. And if that flu 399 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:30,240 - jumps to us, which is possible... - That'd be a nightmare! 400 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:33,560 - It's a whole new genetic code. - Well, not just that. 401 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,040 Think at the waiting room at the doctor's! 402 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,600 You'd be squashed against the wall like that, he'd be there... 403 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:43,880 When you get bird flu, you don't get all small and grow wings. 404 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,160 To get a flu is not the same as to turn into the animal. 405 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:51,120 No, but what I'm saying is if that humpback whale has got the flu, 406 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:56,560 - he's taking up all the chairs... - Oh, I see! - All the pensioners and me are pressed against the wall. 407 00:21:56,560 --> 00:22:00,320 We'll have to encourage the whales to ring NHS Direct. 408 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:05,040 The only trouble with that is, NHS Direct pick up the phone 409 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,960 and think it's a fax machine. HE IMPERSONATES A WHALE 410 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,400 It's true! 411 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:15,200 "Wrong number again!" and the whale's there, going, "I'm really ill 412 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,160 "and they won't let me come down the doctor's, cos I take up too much room. 413 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:24,200 "And I keep knocking the posters off the wall, with me barnacle arse." 414 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,160 LAUGHTER 415 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,240 If I can just guide you away for a moment, towards that snot. 416 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,640 How do you collect it? 417 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,280 With a bag over its head, an ordinary bag from Greggs? 418 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,640 It has to be from Greggs? 419 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:42,880 - It has to be. - You put pepper in the hole? - It started... 420 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:47,160 Karina Acevedo-Whitehouse, her name was, a researcher 421 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,000 who was very much a specialist. 422 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,440 She used to have a Petri dish on the end of a stick 423 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,240 and try to get it through the plume, but it was too difficult. 424 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,880 - There was too much turbulent water. - She swims next to it? 425 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,520 Originally, but what does she do now? She's got a really good system. 426 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:07,360 - Big condom over the top of the hole? - A remote-control toy helicopter, 427 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:09,160 that flies... There. 428 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:12,120 - There it is, isn't that perfect? - Collecting it. 429 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:15,720 If you're going to be a scientist, specialising in collecting snot... 430 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,240 Has she come up with anything? 431 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:22,000 - Now that she has the collection. - Good data on the transmission 432 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,440 of flu between humpback whales... 433 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:29,640 Which is jolly difficult, cos they travel more than any other - 5,000 miles a year, routinely. 434 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,800 Trying to get away from the remote-control helicopter... 435 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,720 Meehhhhh! 436 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:40,200 I wouldn't fancy being the bloke who works in her local toy shop either! 437 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,640 "Oh, it's broken again, is it?" 438 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,600 "Yeah, got all mucous in the rotor blades." 439 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:50,480 You were talking about the carrier bag there. My mate tried to steal 440 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,800 a squid from a sea life centre in a carrier bag. 441 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,280 Seriously, he had it all planned out. 442 00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,760 And he got this carrier bag and he said, "I'm going for it this week." 443 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,920 I saw him and he said it was a nightmare - he couldn't find 444 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,120 a carrier bag... You know the safety holes in the bottom? 445 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:08,320 It leaked water. 446 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:13,520 He couldn't find one that didn't. And then finally he said, "I've found a hefty one." 447 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,880 This is the honest to God truth. He had a tank ready, 448 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,680 he knew which sea life centre he was going to steal it from. 449 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:25,000 He got the bag. He glued up the holes with Sellotape and superglue. 450 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,920 And just as he was about to do it, he was committed. 451 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:32,560 I saw him. I said, "Did you get it?" He said, "No." "So what happened?" 452 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,080 He went, "The handles broke." 453 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,920 He put it in the water, and it was too heavy. 454 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:46,520 Why was he so committed to a carrier bag? Why not a squid-catching bag? 455 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,000 What about a normal fishing net? 456 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,560 On the end of a bamboo cane. 457 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,800 But he had to get it home on the bus. 458 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,920 LAUGHTER 459 00:24:55,920 --> 00:25:00,680 So, people who do research into whale flu collect snot using remote-control toy helicopters. 460 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,480 Now, imagine you're taking a hamster on holiday. 461 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,360 How can you make sure it doesn't get jet-lag? 462 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:08,520 Yes, Ross. 463 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,800 Holiday in England. 464 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 465 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,760 You don't have to stay in England, 466 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,640 you just have to stay in the same time zone. 467 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:23,680 If they're in the cage and theyre moving that way, and the plane is moving that way... 468 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,280 This isn't my area. Doesn't it balance out in space and time? 469 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,720 No, it doesn't quite work. 470 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:33,920 - But it's a nice thought. - Is there an answer to this? - There is. 471 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:38,400 They have experimented on hamsters and jet lag. They've not actually... 472 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:42,200 See, look how cute. As a woman, I want to nurse it. 473 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:45,840 But you pay for it and you realise it does...nothing. 474 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:50,120 You watch these guinea pigs in G Force - they're like fighting, 475 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,840 climbing, firing guns, saving people. 476 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:57,000 You go home and you see them sitting there - lazy, useless. 477 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,120 Just like a furry scrounger. 478 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,680 You get out there and do something. 479 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:05,040 Can you put your head in a hole like that? I don't think so. 480 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,960 And they drop pellets. They do a lot of things. 481 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,800 The thing is, Sean, he MADE that wooden thing. 482 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,080 Just by nosing it. 483 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:17,520 I was visiting a friend's house, and on the upstairs landing, I had gone to the loo and came out. 484 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,800 It was a summer's day, and there was a big open window over the lawn. 485 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:24,720 There was a football, and I kicked it through the window, and the child burst into tears. 486 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,680 - It had a hamster in it. - LAUGHTER 487 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:32,880 I'd never seen such a thing. These balls that youput hamsters in. 488 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:34,240 It was terrible! 489 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:41,120 It was actually fine. It was a little dizzy. But... 490 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,640 Exhilarated, I'd have thought. 491 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:45,280 Who-o-o-o-o-o-oa! 492 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,280 At last! Someone's done it! 493 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,640 Don't take me back in, no! 494 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:56,160 - It was most unfortunate. - Melatonin. You give it melatonin. 495 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:59,920 It's not melatonin. It IS a drug. A surprising one - it's a common drug. 496 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:03,560 - Temazepam? - Not Temazepam, not paracetamol. 497 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,600 I'm sure you haven't taken it. You're too young and virile. 498 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,280 - Viagra. - Right answer. 499 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:15,520 Viagra appears to recover from jet lag as long as it's eastward bound jet lag. That's the weird thing. 500 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,000 Jet lag's a lot worse when you're travelling east. 501 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:22,960 It's a lot better when you're travelling west. So if you go to America, you recover better 502 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,600 than when you come back home - it takes you longer to recover. 503 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:29,920 Good. Excellent. Jet-lagged hamsters can have their symptoms alleviated by giving them Viagra. 504 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,080 What gives honeybees a real buzz? 505 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:37,360 - Is it the smoke they blow into the hive? - That gives them the opposite 506 00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:41,440 of a buzz. That pacifies them. Do you know why the smoke is used? 507 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:47,120 The smoke alarms them so much, that they think someone's attacking the hive. They eat all their honey. 508 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:51,400 And they just get bloated. They don't have any aggressive... 509 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:55,760 That's actually what's happening, rather than smoke getting into their lungs or anything. 510 00:27:55,760 --> 00:28:00,200 I'm really glad now that I've been bitten by a radioactive hagfish and not a radioactive bee. 511 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:04,880 Cos that'd be a nightmare if you were a half-human bee. Somebody has a fag and you go, "Where's the honey?!" 512 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:12,720 - Bees speak... Speak isn't quite the word. - They do like the hula 513 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:16,280 to show where to go. So we know what they're doing. 514 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:19,400 We can read their dances... their waggles, 515 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,000 because they're telling each other 516 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:26,080 how far away their nearest good source is and where it is. 517 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,760 It's been studied for over 100 years. 518 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:32,120 And we can tell exactly what it is they're saying. 519 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:35,680 And what's interesting... Don't know who did this. 520 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,600 If you give them cocaine, they exaggerate. 521 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:42,400 They claim there's more honey than there is. Yeah. 522 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:46,520 They overdo it, they get boastful, essentially. 523 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:49,040 And tell stories that never end. 524 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,040 It seems to have a similar effect on them as it does on humans. 525 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:55,880 - And do they all go off and get a job in advertising? - Ha! 526 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,040 And lose their appetite and so on. 527 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:03,200 - But actually the strange thing about bees is... - They take your blood. 528 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:07,280 85% of all bee species are loners. They don't live in colonies and only 529 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:11,040 a tiny fraction - I think it's 20 out of the thousands of species 530 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,040 are honeybees. Most bees aren't honeybees. 531 00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:18,720 But one of the most interesting bees, you'll love this piece of film, is the Japanese honeybee, 532 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:22,760 which has developed a fabulous way of attacking hornets who try and get 533 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:26,960 into their... Watch this. You'll love this. There's the hornet. 534 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,560 And it's killing the individuals. It's vicious. 535 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,160 But look, they make a bee ball. 536 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:36,320 Yes, I've seen this. They suffocate them, don't they? 537 00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:41,040 More than suffocate. There's so much heat generated in this ball, 538 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,480 they literally boil the hornet. 539 00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:47,760 It gets bigger and bigger. You wouldn't want that to happen to you. 540 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:49,320 It's frightening. 541 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:51,360 Mucous would be so much better. 542 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:52,920 Yeah. 543 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:54,560 - Wow! - Isn't that stunning? 544 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,560 - You're asking for trouble. - That hornet is an ex-hornet. 545 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:02,520 - 75% of all fruit on the planet is pollinated by... - Bees. 546 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:03,920 - Bats. - Ahh. 547 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,280 Actually, bats are far more responsible... 548 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:08,320 - Walked into that one. - Yes, you did. 549 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,880 It's like You've Been Framed with a cake and a glass door. 550 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:11,920 Doof! 551 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:12,960 To be fair, 552 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:14,960 bat honey is horrible. 553 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:16,160 - LAUGHTER - Yes! 554 00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:18,400 Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. 555 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,200 When bees take drugs they behave much like humans - 556 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:24,720 they dance around manically and exaggerate about their lives. 557 00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,120 That was a question about Hymenoptera 558 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,440 As is this: What am I describing here? 559 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:33,520 Pure, intense, brilliant pain, 560 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,040 like fire-walking over flaming charcoal 561 00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:39,520 - with a three-inch rusty nail in your heel. - Childbirth. 562 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,880 - HE LAUGHS - Probably! 563 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,040 Probably. 564 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:44,280 SEAN: Is it a bee sting? 565 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:45,960 There is a man, called Schmidt, 566 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:52,160 who has devoted his life to creating the Schmidt scale of insect bite or sting pain. 567 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:58,560 He has been bitten or stung by just about every stinging, biting insect there is. 568 00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:02,000 And he writes rather wine connoisseur descriptions... 569 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:05,680 Ow! There, look at that. ..of the pain. 570 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:10,080 It starts at 1.0 and goes up to plus 4.0, 571 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,400 the one we just heard - the bullet ant. It starts with the sweat bee, 572 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:15,520 which you can see on the left there. 573 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,480 That's light, ephemeral, almost fruity, 574 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:21,920 a tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm. 575 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:25,920 - Notes of blackberry. - Yes, exactly. Leather and tobacco! 576 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,800 Is 10.0 like listening to Westlife? 577 00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:30,960 LAUGHTER 578 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:33,440 Then 1.8 is the bullhorn acacia ant, 579 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:38,840 "A rare, piercing, elevated sort of pain, someone has fired a staple into your cheek." 580 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:40,520 LAUGHTER 581 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:44,720 - He's done these things to make a comparison? - I guess he has. 582 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:48,560 Then there's the bald-faced hornet, rich, hearty, slightly crunchy, 583 00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:51,480 similar to your hand being mashed in a revolving door. 584 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,320 LAUGHTER 585 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:55,440 That's a very good thing to document. 586 00:31:55,440 --> 00:32:00,600 Then there's a yellowjacket, "Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue." 587 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:04,800 Specifically WC Fields?! LAUGHTER 588 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:09,400 Just go, "Oh, that one, it's more like Jimmy Savile. 589 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:13,160 "No, no, that's WC Fields." 590 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:15,000 Number three... 591 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,760 Did you see that documentary 592 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,480 where the guy was into being bitten by snakes? 593 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,440 I Was Bitten, that's what it was called. 594 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,000 - I Was Bitten. - Yeah, he was really... 595 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:26,440 It was a pleasurable thing so he went for bigger and bigger and harder and harder. 596 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,120 He was getting almost a kind of buzz out of it rather than pain. 597 00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:31,840 - So how do you know this guy isn't? - Well, he may be. But it's 598 00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:34,680 the paper wasp, caustic, burning, distinctly bitter aftertaste, 599 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:37,920 like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut. 600 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,560 That's nasty. Then there's the bullet ant, 601 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,280 which is the one I described, 602 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:47,520 Pure, intense, brilliant pain... It's called the bullet ant, cos it's like getting shot. There it is. 603 00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:50,080 A nasty piece of work. Anyway, yes. 604 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:54,520 They fact is entymologist Justin Schmidt has been stung by almost every insect 605 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,840 and describes the bullet ant sting as the most painful on Earth, 606 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:00,280 what is the world's most aggressive mammal? 607 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:01,320 My mother. 608 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:02,600 LAUGHTER 609 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:06,640 - Is it one of those three? - No, it isn't. It isn't. 610 00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:08,040 The rhino. 611 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:09,440 No, the rhino's not in the least... 612 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:11,280 Not a mammal either. 613 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,080 A rhino is a mammal, yes. 614 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:14,640 I thought it was a dinosaur. 615 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:15,880 LAUGHTER 616 00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:19,760 Why's it called a rhino-saurus then, if it's not a dinosaur. 617 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:21,040 Because it's not. 618 00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:24,400 It's called a rhino-saurus, that's what dinosaurs are called. 619 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:26,040 It's rhinoceros is it not? 620 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:27,800 Noceros. 621 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,120 Have you been calling it a rhino-saurus? 622 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:31,160 Yeah! 623 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:32,800 There's the problem. 624 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:34,080 Jordan! 625 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:38,840 When I get home...! 626 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:39,880 Yep. 627 00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:45,360 Really? That was genuine stupidity. 628 00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:48,480 Walking into the glass door of stupidity. 629 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:50,480 Always welcome. Sorry about that. 630 00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:51,640 Does it begin with H? 631 00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,280 Yes it does. It used to be known as the ratel 632 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:58,600 but it now seems to be more well know as the something beginning with H. 633 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:00,640 - Hyena? - Not a hyena, no. 634 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,080 Horse. 635 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:03,800 No! 636 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:05,520 It is a really savage animal. 637 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,320 It's first word is something we were discussing with bees. 638 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:10,120 AUDIENCE MEMBER: The honey badger. 639 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:13,640 Very good, someone in the audience gets 10 points for honey badger. 640 00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:16,000 APPLAUSE 641 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,200 On the subject of... 642 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,480 It's not about being a badger but you know what annoys me 643 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:23,280 is the term, to badger somebody. 644 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:25,720 Badgers don't actually badger. 645 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:26,920 LAUGHTER 646 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,320 If you badgered somebody you wouldn't be hounding them all the time, 647 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,680 you'd move into their garden and sleep a lot... 648 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:33,840 And be incredibly shy. 649 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,960 And just emerge when Bill Oddie stuck a camera in your face. 650 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,160 That's the way u badger somebody and it's about time it changed. 651 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:41,880 That's an incredibly fair point. 652 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:45,360 - Actually, the honey badger isn't a true badger either. - I did say that. 653 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,160 Yes you did, I thought you did. 654 00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:49,480 I might be an idiot, but I'm an accurate idiot. 655 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:53,840 You are, and well done for knowing that. It just reminded the first people who saw it 656 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:56,480 because of the colouring, but it's not connected. 657 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:58,680 And they are staggeringly aggressive. 658 00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:01,440 They attack anything. Lions, humans, hyenas, 659 00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:05,480 and they have huge claws for their size so they can do an immense amount of damage. 660 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:07,280 Do you know which part of a mammal, 661 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:09,480 including a man, that they will attack? 662 00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,120 I imagine the nethers. 663 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:15,360 Yes, the testicles is the right answer. That's what they go for. 664 00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:16,520 They oooft like that. 665 00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:18,960 There are stories of them attacking buffalo. 666 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,320 How do they know where the testicles are? 667 00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:24,080 It'll be on different animals in different areas. 668 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:27,320 I don't know about you but when I'm exploring, 669 00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,880 when I'm exploring everybody knows. 670 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:31,680 I explore like this. 671 00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:34,840 With chaps on...no pants. 672 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:36,880 LAUGHTER 673 00:35:37,240 --> 00:35:38,880 I'll tell you what though, 674 00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:41,560 badger honey is so much worse than bat honey. 675 00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:43,360 - LAUGHTER - Yes. 676 00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:49,240 The first account of it was an adult buffalo being castrated by one of these things. 677 00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:52,200 Scientific American said in 2009 that pound for pound 678 00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:55,320 the honey badger is the world's most fearsome land mammal 679 00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,040 because it's so aggressive and had such big claws. 680 00:35:58,040 --> 00:36:00,360 Why aren't they in charge then? 681 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:01,400 Yeah. 682 00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:03,320 Why are we in charge and not them? 683 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:07,440 Because we temper our aggression sometimes with altruism, 684 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:10,040 knowledge, cognitive faculties... 685 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:11,400 No, Stephen, it's bombs. 686 00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:13,040 Yes! 687 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:16,640 And also we worked out how to make security pants. 688 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,920 So when them honey badgers come up... Argh... 689 00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:21,080 They're frustrated. 690 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:22,960 They can't get at the balls. 691 00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:25,000 LAUGHTER 692 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:26,320 Are they quite small? 693 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:29,000 Yeah, relatively small, yeah. 694 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,840 About yay big. 695 00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:32,400 And do they eat honey? 696 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:34,200 - AUDIENCE: Yes! - They do. 697 00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:35,680 They do eat honey! 698 00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:38,160 What sort of honey badger is it? 699 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:41,840 Is it a south London honey badger? 700 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:45,240 I might have a look at that. Cover your balls, he's coming out. 701 00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:47,120 Have some of that. 702 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:48,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 703 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:55,880 It's certainly part of their diet because they famously use... 704 00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:58,000 what do they use to find the honey? 705 00:36:58,000 --> 00:36:59,720 - Their noses. - No. 706 00:36:59,720 --> 00:37:01,320 - Another animal. - A bird. 707 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:02,680 A bird called the honey guide. 708 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:04,080 Hmm. 709 00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:07,480 - guide that's a bird. - You are so hot now, for me. 710 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:09,520 It's learned to co-operate with the badger. 711 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:13,000 It can see where the hive is and it hovers over it and makes the noise, 712 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:15,840 the badger goes in and opens it up the bird gets it reward 713 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:18,520 by sharing the honey and the badger won't attack it. 714 00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:20,680 But they'll also do that for humans. 715 00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:24,000 They'll lead humans to hives so that you can get honey. 716 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,200 - That's a fact, you're right there. - These guys? 717 00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:28,960 I'll tell you a secret, I've actually got Jordan 718 00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:32,880 on a little thing and she's telling me this stuff straight into my ear. 719 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:34,960 Oh, that's why you're doing so well. 720 00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,640 So who don't the police use them for riot situations? 721 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:40,960 How funny would that be? Cos... Oh, hello! 722 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:44,200 - It is pretty savage isn't it? - Because the police dog, you know, 723 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,680 a lot of the time the police dog is there, grrrr, 724 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,480 and everyone's going, oh, it's a dog, I might out-run it, 725 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:53,160 but if you held up... Got a honey badger, get them balls ready. 726 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:54,720 LAUGHTER 727 00:37:54,720 --> 00:37:56,800 Spread 'em! 728 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:59,040 If you castrate every peace demonstrator, 729 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:00,880 that's probably not a way forward. 730 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:02,360 LAUGHTER 731 00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:06,200 The police dogs are trained to bark if they hear someone say bastards. 732 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:09,280 - What about blagard, villain? - Villain, yeah. 733 00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:13,760 You can have a bit of fun, like if you go to a country show 734 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:18,360 and they're doing a demonstration... Bastard! Grrrr! 735 00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:20,400 LAUGHTER 736 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:22,920 Moving on. Very good though. 737 00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:25,320 As the honey badger constituency in our audience knew, 738 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:27,840 the most aggressive mammal is probably the honey badger. 739 00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:30,480 When attacking humans they supposedly go for the testicles, 740 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:34,200 which brings us face-to-face with the vicious predator of general ignorance. 741 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:38,760 Fingers on buzzers, please. I have some points available for you. 742 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:43,960 All you have to do is to identify every animal in front of you. 743 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:45,440 SQUEAKY HONKING 744 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:48,320 - Hedgehog, mouse... - KLAXON BLARES 745 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:51,520 - You've not done well to start with. - Not a hedgehog? 746 00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:53,040 Is one of them a bilby? 747 00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:56,520 There's no bilbies there. And there's no mouse there. 748 00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,920 - A shrew? - A shrew? - A buffalo? - Shrew? 749 00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:03,200 - No, there is no shrew. - KLAXON BLARES 750 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:04,680 Let's have a look again. 751 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:07,520 Let's see them again. 752 00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:10,160 - A mole? - Is that a baby mole? 753 00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:13,960 They're all different species of one kind of animal. 754 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:15,720 Dog. 755 00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:18,000 No! Not a dog. 756 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:23,120 - Think of a place where species have evolved... - New Zealand? 757 00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:26,480 - Like New Zealand. - G-G-G-G... Galapagos! - No. 758 00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:29,880 But it is an island. It's Madagascar. In Madagascar, 759 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,120 a few mammals, millions of years ago, 760 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:35,400 were hived off from Africa and the evolved separately. 761 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:37,920 They filled niches similar to those in Europe 762 00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:41,640 and this particular animal is known as a tenrec 763 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:44,000 and it is...various species of it. 764 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:47,120 They fill the same niches as hedgehogs do. 765 00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:50,280 They're not in any way connected or related to hedgehogs. 766 00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:53,640 They have just solved the problems of existence in the same way. 767 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:57,960 Plants that have done the same. There are things you would swear blind are a cactus, 768 00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:02,720 - but are not in any way a cactus. - A bogus? - Yes! Exactly. 769 00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:05,160 So, the tenrec is a Madagascan mammal 770 00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:07,760 that has evolved over millions of years 771 00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:11,080 to create species that look like mice, shrews and hedgehogs. 772 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,880 Now, what are these animals fighting about? 773 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:17,440 LAUGHTER 774 00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,080 FOGHORN BLARES They're not fighting? 775 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:21,480 Hmm... 776 00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:24,240 - They're just, er... - Sparring? 777 00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:27,120 - Trying to get... - Trying to do a high five, 778 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:28,840 but they can't get it together. 779 00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:30,840 LAUGHTER 780 00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:35,000 They do it in springtime, when they're getting a bit frisky. 781 00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:37,400 It's two males fighting over a girl? 782 00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:41,000 - Ohhh, Ruby! - KLAXON BLARES 783 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:44,280 How bad can it get? It doesn't matter now. 784 00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:47,440 - Go for it now. - What do I know? 785 00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:51,760 A hare's got no chance of having sex with a girl. Has to be another hare, surely? 786 00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:53,800 A girl hare! 787 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,680 Girl is way out of their league. 788 00:40:56,680 --> 00:41:00,400 - They might get a kiss off a girl. - It's not two males fighting. 789 00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:04,040 It is a female fighting off a male who is too frisky. 790 00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:06,840 She's basically saying she's not up for it. 791 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,480 It's basically watching a rape. 792 00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:09,520 Well... 793 00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:10,680 LAUGHTER 794 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:14,880 - You're watching a female stopping a rape. - That's Distur... 795 00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,320 I mean you have a go at me, but that's sick! 796 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:20,640 - LAUGHTER - Give him the mucus! 797 00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:23,360 - Get some pepper spray! - Maybe that would happen. 798 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:26,840 When two hares box, it's more than likely that a female is boxing away 799 00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:30,360 an overexcited male she doesn't want to mate with. And finally, 800 00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:34,120 what is rhino horn used for in traditional Chinese medicine? 801 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,640 - What do you want us to say? - You've finally got wise. 802 00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:40,880 I will let you off the hook. It has never been used as an aphrodisiac. 803 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:42,680 It is a fallacy. 804 00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:45,600 It's used, supposedly, to keep fevers at bay. 805 00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:48,520 It makes no more sense at keeping fevers at bay 806 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:50,680 than it does as an aphrodisiac, 807 00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:54,040 because it is, as we discussed earlier, simply hair. 808 00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:56,400 Like these folk that bite their nails. 809 00:41:56,400 --> 00:41:58,640 - Chinese medicine is bollocks. - Yes. 810 00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:01,000 LAUGHTER That's Jordan. 811 00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:06,240 She said, g...g...bollocks. 812 00:42:06,240 --> 00:42:07,440 LAUGHTER 813 00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:10,600 Load of old... sh...tit. 814 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:11,960 She says, 815 00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:14,960 If Chinese medicine is so good... 816 00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:16,760 why do they build hospitals. 817 00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,880 LAUGHTER 818 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:22,400 God bless her. 819 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:25,960 No, I can't say that Jordan! 820 00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:29,080 Oh, dear. 821 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:33,040 It isn't true, rhino horn is not used as an aphrodisiac in traditional Chinese medicine, 822 00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:34,920 it's most often taken for a fever. 823 00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:38,520 Which brings us all the way back to our horns and, indeed, 824 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:41,840 to the end of the show. Let's have a look at the scores. 825 00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:43,360 Goodness gracious me. 826 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:47,400 The dominant male this evening, on seven points, is Ross Noble! 827 00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:50,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 828 00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:56,360 And in second place, with a highly respectable -5, 829 00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:57,680 Sean Lock and Jordan! 830 00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:00,400 Thank you. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 831 00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:06,080 And really improving now, -6, Alan Davies! 832 00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:09,040 - Thank you. Thank you very much. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 833 00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:11,880 I'm afraid at the very bottom of the food chain, 834 00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:14,400 as thick as two short planktons, 835 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,280 Ruby Wax with -36! 836 00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:19,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 837 00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:27,120 So, goodnight from Ruby, Sean, Ross and Alan. 838 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,000 I leave you with this piece of wisdom from Homer Simpson - 839 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,120 "Weaselling out of things is important to learn. 840 00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:34,160 "It's what separates us from the animals, 841 00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:36,880 "except the weasel." Thank you and good night. 842 00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:58,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 843 00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:02,040 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net