1 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:27,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:37,800 Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome. 3 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:43,560 It's happy hour at QI, because tonight we're all about H for happiness. 4 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,440 Get them in quickly while you can, ladies and gentlemen, 5 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:49,160 because you've got four guests for the price of two. 6 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:51,600 The happy-go-lucky Andy Hamilton... 7 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:57,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,280 ..the irresistibly chirpy Rich Hall... 9 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:06,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,480 ..that cheerful charlie Phill Jupitus... 11 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:14,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:19,000 ..And someone who doesn't even know the meaning of the word lugubrious, 13 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,280 Alan Davies! 14 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:24,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:31,200 So, your instruments of pleasure, if you please. Andy goes... 16 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,520 MANIC LAUGH 17 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,040 And Rich goes... 18 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:39,760 - CRAZY FEMALE LAUGH - Phill goes... 19 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:46,120 - COMICALLY MENACING LAUGH - And Alan goes... 20 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:51,160 SNORTING LAUGH 21 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,200 Oh, dear. 22 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,760 Right. Well, before we start, 23 00:01:55,760 --> 00:02:00,200 I want to test your own contribution to the sum of human happiness, 24 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,320 the QI Audience Pleasure Gauge. 25 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:07,400 Every time the pointer enters the red happy zone 26 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,920 as a result of something the audience likes, 27 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:13,480 I will award one or more of you a bonus, all right? For example... 28 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 29 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:31,000 So, now to questions. What would make Britain a happier place? 30 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,360 No more penalty shoot-outs. 31 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:36,640 Hope. 32 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,200 - The Pope? - Hope. 33 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,640 - Not the Pope! - Not the Pope, no. 34 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,080 I was going to say, that seemed odd. 35 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,120 I thought you said a grope. 36 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:46,480 - A grope or the Pope... - I'll work on my diction! 37 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:54,800 I think moving Britain slightly south to improve the climate slightly would make us happier. 38 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,960 - Could you do that just by putting an outboard motor on Aberdeen? - Yeah. 39 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:03,360 Probably more than one. I reckon you'd need a few, but if you had enough you'd get it going. 40 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,800 Britain never wakes up in the same latitude. 41 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,560 Yeah, you'd never know where you are. You're just cruising the globe. 42 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:10,840 Right, yeah. 43 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,560 - Like Somali pirates, but... - Can we concentrate....? 44 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,280 LAUGHTER 45 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:20,720 - Yeah. If we went back to pillaging and looting and raping. - Right. 46 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:23,960 I'm not sure what pillaging is, but looting and raping... 47 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,200 - Fine... - All right, looting, no rape. 48 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,600 - Yeah. - Pillage. 49 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:28,840 A minor pillage. 50 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,440 - Minor pillaging. - Yeah. - What is pillaging? 51 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:34,320 It's kind of sacking, ransacking, stealing from, 52 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:35,880 pilfering and taking things. 53 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,480 Burgling, taking, I think, pillaging. 54 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:42,040 - So it's the same as looting? - Yeah. - Kind of is, really, isn't it? 55 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,440 Give everyone a mental age of six, that would make Britain happier. 56 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:50,640 - We'd be very easily pleased. Sweets... - Well, the media are working on that, aren't they? 57 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 58 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,240 Oh, yeah! 59 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,640 I think you've hit... 60 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,640 I think you've hit the Happiness Gauge there. 61 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,400 - That was very good, well done. - The last dumbing-down. - Yeah. 62 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:10,040 But of course, six-year-olds probably cry 70 or 80 times a day, 63 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,920 - which you... Do you? - Cos they can't go up and down stairs without falling. 64 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,400 Which I can. 65 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,920 70 or 80 times...? 66 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,400 Where is this six-year-old? 67 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,240 - Well, I'm just saying... - What does Uncle Stephen do? 68 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,360 LAUGHTER 69 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,360 I try and teach them Latin. 70 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:34,120 They just don't seem to be able to like it! 71 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,360 "Not the British Museum again!" 72 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,240 Oh, don't! 73 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,800 "I don't like foie gras, Uncle Stephen!" 74 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,480 LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE 75 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:50,400 Oh, boo and boo. 76 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,520 "This is prosecco, and this is real champagne..." 77 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,120 "I'm not telling you again!" 78 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,200 Otters. 79 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,720 - Otters. - I'd vote, yeah. - Otters lying on their backs, playing with stones. 80 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,000 Sea otters. 81 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,280 It makes me happy. 82 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:09,080 Yeah, if you see an otter, you just feel happy. 83 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,560 I think if every home had an otter... 84 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:17,960 "An otter in every house. I promise!" 85 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:22,760 If one's empirical about this, and said "Which do we think might be the happiest country on earth?" 86 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,160 Do you think there's ever been any agreement? 87 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,800 The Ottoman Empire? 88 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,560 LAUGHTER AND CHEERING 89 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,720 Up it goes. 90 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,800 Very good. 91 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,920 That was good. 92 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,640 One of the things that appears to be a great index of happiness 93 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:45,640 is not wealth itself, but a lack of huge disparity between rich and poor. 94 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:51,040 In countries where really there isn't much of a gap of that sort of nature... 95 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,680 That's a famous sketch, you may remember, from TW3 96 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,280 with John Cleese and Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett. 97 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:59,400 But where there isn't that kind of differential, 98 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,520 it seems people are happier. 99 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:05,080 Even in the last 13 or 14 years in Britain, 100 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:11,800 the gap has widened considerably, 10% since '97 when John Major's government ended. 101 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,320 The gap between rich and poor has widened. 102 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,760 It's very difficult. How do you measure happiness? 103 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,360 Do you ask people if they're happy? 104 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,200 And are they reliable guides of their own happiness? 105 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:26,000 - The things they do to each other will tell you whether they're happy or not. - That's a very good... 106 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,160 Happy people are less inclined to glass people in pubs. 107 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,440 - Yeah. - There's no unit of happiness, is there? That's the problem. 108 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,840 No international unit of... 109 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,960 No feliciton, no. 110 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:42,600 There are apparently ways of measuring happiness, but none of them is particularly reliable. 111 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,080 An interesting thing is that if you take someone 112 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,160 who's got enormous reason, apparently, to be very happy, 113 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,600 say they've just won the pools or the lottery... 114 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,520 This was a test that was done in 1978. 115 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:58,360 ..and someone who'd had a catastrophic car crash that might have paralysed them. 116 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:02,720 Obviously, at the time, one is extremely happy and the other unbelievably unhappy, 117 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:08,760 but within a very short time they both level out and return to the same state they were in before. 118 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,440 - So people have a bedrock level of... - They kind of do. 119 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:18,200 Yeah. Bhutan was the first country to have a gross measure of happiness, the GNH. 120 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,240 - Gross National Happiness. - No television there, do they? 121 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,280 They didn't for a very long time, or traffic lights. 122 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:28,240 The king declared happiness of the people the guiding goal of development, 123 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:32,440 and he banned unhappy TV shows, amongst other things. 124 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,240 - Traffic lights never make you happy, do they? - No, they don't. 125 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:39,720 - And they tried it in Slough. - No traffic lights and no television? 126 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,720 No, they tried... It was called Making Slough Happy, 127 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:47,520 including such things as doing good turns, laughing daily and watching less television, 128 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:52,800 which resulted in a 33% upswing in their Life Satisfaction Index. 129 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:56,400 I think one of the important things would be to get rid of the name Slough. 130 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,480 I fear you're right. It's not a very happy name, is it? 131 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,480 They should change it to Yippee! 132 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,280 The weird thing is, that would probably work. 133 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,840 "Where are you from?" "Yippee!" 134 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:11,200 "Where do you live?" "Yippee!" It would be fantastic. What a brilliant idea. 135 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,640 - Yippee, Berks. - Yeah. 136 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:17,240 Brilliant. Staines is quite close. Staines... 137 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,080 LAUGHTER 138 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,960 - It's not right. - We call Staines Woo-hoo! 139 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,000 Yeah. Yippee and Woo-hoo! 140 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,000 - Hull. Bad... - Hull? 141 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,080 Yeah. 142 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,880 - Hot Diggedy would be a good name for it. - Hot Diggedy for Hull. 143 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,680 Brilliant! This is a superb movement. 144 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,840 This really could make a difference, because we're human beings. 145 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,680 We respond emotionally to things. 146 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:42,520 It may seem trivial, but wouldn't that be great if you lived in Hot Diggedy? 147 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,200 Hot Diggedy, right outside of Zippedy-Do-Dah. 148 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,920 LAUGHTER 149 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,640 The only trouble is when there's an accident there, 150 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:54,480 - and the newsreader has to say... - LAUGHTER 151 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,120 "The bus turned over in Hot Diggedy, and..." 152 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,520 Oh, no, I remember this quite vividly. When I was about ten, 153 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:05,320 there was a massive mining disaster in India, 154 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,520 and hundreds of people were killed. 155 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:11,280 But it was at the Wankie Colliery. 156 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:15,320 And I just remember me and my mates finding this hilarious. 157 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:20,480 400 dead miners at the Wankie Colliery in 1972. 158 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,600 - It was just awful. - It's like a headline I saw in Ireland. "Cork man drowns." 159 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:29,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 160 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,080 Oh, happiness, happiness! 161 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,800 You know what? 162 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,160 You guys are bending the needle. 163 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,840 His name was Bob. Come on! 164 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 165 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:49,480 Well, well. 166 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,840 Wow. I think I've won this. I'm not going to answer another question. 167 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,440 All the surveys indicate that economic equality 168 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,400 is what promotes the greatest good for the greatest number. 169 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,480 The other things that make us happy, of course, are friends. 170 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,080 But how many real friends do you have? 171 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,960 RICH: Just one. James Taylor. 172 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,280 LAUGHTER 173 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,600 One friend you have in him, yeah. 174 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,440 - ANDY: I've got to four. - Four friends. You've counted, have you? 175 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,080 Actually, I'm not sure about him. 176 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:23,840 He once spiked my drinks and stole my trousers when I was... 177 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,360 - Definitely cross him out. - He's coming off the list. - Which did he do first? 178 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,280 LAUGHTER 179 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:32,640 Drinks first, Phill. 180 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,000 I don't know, maybe he's agile. 181 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:39,800 We say that a friend will come over to your house and help you move, 182 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,160 and a good friend will help you move a body. 183 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,160 That's good. 184 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,280 I have two good friends. 185 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,640 LAUGHTER 186 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,560 Oh! Rich! 187 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:57,000 That's disturbing. There is this thing called a Dunbar number. Does that mean anything to you? 188 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,880 Yeah, it's about 100 and something. 189 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:04,160 You're right. There was a professor of evolutionary anthropology at Oxford University called Dunbar, 190 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:07,480 who calculated, if calculation is the right word, 191 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,840 that we can't have more than 150 friends. 192 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:14,080 - And obviously some of us have a very high doctrine of friends... - 150? 193 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,960 - Yeah. He defines it this way. - I don't even know 150 people. 194 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,760 It's a network. 195 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,760 - I thought he was going to say five. - Well, I know what you mean. 196 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,080 He defines this friendly network 197 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:28,880 as "containing the people you wouldn't feel embarrassed to join at the bar 198 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:33,320 "in the transit lounge of Hong Kong airport at 3am." 199 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,800 LAUGHTER 200 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,320 Ah, there are thousands of them(!) 201 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:42,440 I was going to say, I've never been embarrassed to join anyone at a bar in my life. 202 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,720 It's a peculiar definition. It's an odd one. 203 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,120 - Is there something about this particular transit lounge? - I don't know! 204 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:52,760 But 150 does turn out to be quite a special number amongst peoples and groups. 205 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:56,000 It's the average size of traditional hunter-gatherer communities, 206 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:00,640 religious groups such as the Amish, and English villages at the time of the Domesday Book. 207 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,720 It also occurs all over the modern world. 208 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:08,280 It's the number of Christmas cards the average person sends, apparently, 150. 209 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:12,960 The size of a company in all modern armies is 150, as opposed to a battalion or platoon. 210 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:18,000 And it's also close to the average number of friends people have on Facebook, which is 130-odd. 211 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:23,080 So it is a strangely... It seems to be the number beyond which it's too many, 212 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,160 and any less than that is a closer friend. 213 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,400 - When we say friend we mean someone, as you say... - We like. 214 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,640 - Who'll bury a body for you. - Yes. 215 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,560 Someone who'll inspect a genital wart. 216 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:37,280 LAUGHTER 217 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,560 Maybe? No? 218 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,200 How do you mean, inspect it? 219 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,480 What, give it a certificate or something? 220 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:48,920 - Just check that it's normal or not normal. - There's a magnifying glass involved. 221 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:52,920 I tell you what, that is a very complicated game of Subbuteo up there. 222 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,400 LAUGHTER 223 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:55,520 It is, isn't it? 224 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,920 Yeah. This is where it went wrong for Sven-Goran Eriksson. 225 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:00,800 LAUGHTER 226 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:05,440 - 150 people. - 150, it seems to be a magical number. 227 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,080 - Are you all on Facebook? No? - I don't really go on the computer. 228 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,080 I read a prediction the other day that said at the current rate, 229 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:16,640 in ten years' time, one in three marriages in America will be people who met online. 230 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,680 It's already one in eight. 231 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,080 - That's amazing, isn't it? - Oh, God. - Is that bad? 232 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,240 You just fill out a lot of forms, don't you? 233 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:28,800 - "Here's everything I like." - No, they don't necessarily meet on dating sites. Some will be, I agree. 234 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,640 - ANDY: How do you meet if you're not on a dating site? - Join a group. 235 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:32,720 You join a group? 236 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,920 - You join a Facebook group with like-minded people. - Oh, right. 237 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,520 They send you witty remarks. 238 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,880 Eventually, you send them a photograph of your genitals. 239 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,160 Yes! 240 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,640 You know! 241 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:44,920 Whoa! 242 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,640 LAUGHING AND CHEERING 243 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:54,400 Well, Alan, that's the most popular so far, the genitals. 244 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,920 Photograph of the genitals. 245 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:59,840 - So it's just like a normal courtship, then? But done digitally? - Yeah. 246 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,160 Yeah. Exactly. 247 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,680 I feel quite bad for the Amish in this situation, 248 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:07,600 because they're not going to meet people on Facebook, are they? 249 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:12,120 Unless we create an Amish Facebook where you write everything about yourself on a sheet of paper, 250 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,280 and put it in a barrel in the middle of the village. 251 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,800 Which people can just dip in and out of, you know. 252 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,960 "Ah, raised a barn today. LOL." 253 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,360 LAUGHTER 254 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:31,600 "Drank some cider. ROFL." 255 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:32,800 And they have AMG - 256 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,000 Ach, mein Gott! 257 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,920 LAUGHTER 258 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:40,880 Yes, nobody can handle more than 150 real friends according to Robin Dunbar, 259 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,600 professor of evolutionary anthropology at Oxford. 260 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,920 This is the maximum number of intimate relationships the human brain can process. 261 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,760 Now, how can you tell if a friend is really pleased to see you? 262 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,520 Oh, well... 263 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,840 LAUGHTER 264 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:59,600 They will be engorged. 265 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,680 - Oh! - LAUGHTER 266 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,560 No! What kind of... 267 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,520 If they're REALLY pleased they will be! 268 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:11,000 You know 150 people who would become engorged at the sight of you? 269 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,000 Oh, I know thousands! 270 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,360 I know Alan well enough for a light twitch. 271 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:17,960 LAUGHTER 272 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,280 - Right. - You're not in my 150, by the way. 273 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,440 151, Stephen. 274 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:27,360 I would guess from the picture that your teeth expand. 275 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,840 LAUGHTER 276 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:34,360 So are we looking for sincerity? How do you detect sincerity? 277 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,920 But we all work in showbiz, that's not going to be easy. 278 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,760 Air kissing? No. 279 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,880 Pupils dilating, something like that? 280 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,200 Or they let off a pheromone? Something happens? 281 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,280 Well, it's interpretation of the smile. 282 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:49,120 Oh. So if you're going...you're not? 283 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:54,680 Yeah. And it's become sort of almost a cliche for us to say that they don't smile with their eyes, 284 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,520 but this wasn't known about until the 19th century. 285 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:01,480 There was a Frenchman who had nothing better to do than to electrocute people's faces 286 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:05,640 in order to make their lips turn upwards without their eyes moving. 287 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:06,880 There we are. 288 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,120 LAUGHTER 289 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:13,000 That's what he liked to do. 290 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,960 - It's a job! - He's only ten years old, that boy. 291 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:21,560 "As you can't have real sideburns, have these electric ones." 292 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:28,120 His name was Guillaume Duchenne, and he defined a true smile as having to involve the face and the eyes. 293 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,240 And what he discovered was that you can't control your eyes, 294 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,880 you can't make your eyes smile. 295 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,840 It's involuntary, whereas you can make your lips smile. 296 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:41,400 These are some rather horrifying attempts to try and make people smile! 297 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,480 These are all the QI researchers, 298 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:47,720 - bending over backwards for the show. - It's disturbing. 299 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,800 Couldn't he get a different volunteer? 300 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:52,560 LAUGHTER 301 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:56,640 Poor Barry! Day 60 - "Aaargh!" 302 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,360 Day 61 - "Gaarh!" 303 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:05,120 The second one from the bottom, it looks like the bloke's come at him from a different side. 304 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,640 He's been surprised as well. 305 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:11,840 Yeah, there is actually, Andy, a third probe you can't see. 306 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,200 LAUGHTER 307 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,400 Mr Duchenne actually gave them numbers. So 58 is, 308 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,080 "I forgot my mother's birthday." 309 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,240 "61, left the gas on." 310 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:24,560 That's not left the gas on, 311 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,280 that's "I've just trodden on a cat and it's died." 312 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:31,920 LAUGHTER 313 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,080 The real smile is called the Duchenne smile, 314 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:40,480 and with only the mouth smiling it's known in the trade of happiness studies, gelotology, 315 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,200 - it's know as... - A Gordon Brown. 316 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:46,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 317 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,280 No, a false smile is known in the trade as a Pan Am smile. 318 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,880 - ..As a Des O'Connor. - Yep, or a Pan Am smile, 319 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:01,000 because that was the airline, since defunct, of course, 320 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:06,600 where it was considered they had the stewardesses who had the most plasticky false smiles, 321 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,960 - where the eyes are not smiling. - Oh. 322 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:15,680 The Gordon Brown smile, the weird thing about it was you'd see the moment where he'd decide to smile, 323 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:19,240 and that is the... That kills any smile. 324 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:23,320 You actually see... You hear a "clunk," and then there's a smile. 325 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,480 - You know it's not natural. - Yes, I agree. 326 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,760 - Meanwhile, the girl on the left. - Yeah. 327 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,120 Is she wearing anything under her coat? 328 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,800 - That used to be called a maxi, didn't it? - Do you think their faces hurt? 329 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,440 If you have to... 330 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:41,640 If 300 people are getting off a plane and you have to force a smile to every one of them, 331 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,400 - by the end they must be in agony. - Absolutely. 332 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:49,440 So, if somebody's really pleased to see you, you can see it in their eyes. 333 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,280 It's hard to take the involuntary movements of muscles 334 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,960 that cause wrinkling around the eyes anything other than seriously, 335 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,840 because you can't control them. 336 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,560 So, what would you do to a waiter who drew a smiley face on your bill? 337 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,240 - I'm not a fan of the smiley face. - No? 338 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,640 - I don't mind them introducing themselves. - Right. 339 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:11,200 The weird thing is, a waiter goes, "Hi, I'm Stephen, I'm your waiter." 340 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,600 If you call them Stephen for the rest of the night, "Stephen," 341 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,760 and they come up, they get quite annoyed about halfway through the main course. 342 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,760 "Stephen, this meal is really good." 343 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,840 You tell them lots of things and use their name all the time, 344 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,280 then you get a sad face on your bill. 345 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,080 - LAUGHTER - It's like personalised numberplates. 346 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,200 If you ever see a car go by and it's got REG on it and he gets out, 347 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,240 and you go, "All right, Reg?", they don't like it. 348 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,120 They're idiots, then, aren't they? 349 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:42,160 I have a friend who's a producer on Broadway, and when he's in Joe Allen's, an actors' restaurant, 350 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,320 and he wants attention at the table, he goes, "Oh, actor," 351 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,280 which is very mean. 352 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,000 - How rude. - Very rude, isn't it? 353 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,640 The stewardesses don't like that on planes when you go, "Nurse!" 354 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,320 LAUGHTER 355 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,440 Hate it. 356 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,320 I shouldn't have even said stewardess. What are they now? 357 00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,720 Is it cabin crew? Something? 358 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,800 ANDY: Attendants. RICH: Attendant. 359 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:05,000 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Cabin crew! - Cabin crew? - Cabin crew! 360 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:09,080 You work out of Stansted, don't you? I'd recognise that accent anywhere. 361 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 362 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,240 Oh, we're pushing the needle! 363 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,800 We can't see the needle! 364 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,920 It's going up. 365 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,040 You've obviously commanded them to applaud in this way. 366 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,880 This must be what it was like in Soviet Russia. 367 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:32,520 Every time they went to anything, "Aaah! Yes! Clap! Laugh! 368 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,640 "I can see the guns!" 369 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,520 You weren't allowed to be the first one to stop clapping, were you? 370 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,440 That would get you sent to the gulag, 371 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,520 so they would just for hours and hours and hours! 372 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,640 A nation of people with bloody stumps! 373 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,600 Oi! Oi! 374 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,360 Does the smiley face mean the waiter's pleased with what you've done, 375 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,560 the way you've conducted yourself? 376 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,920 It's a way of getting a bigger tip. 377 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,720 - And weirdly, it works. - It works? 378 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:06,240 - Yeah. - ANDY: They should draw little otters, that would be better. 379 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,040 - On their backs, playing with stones. - Yeah. 380 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,680 Does that really work? Are you saying that gets a bigger tip? 381 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,840 Yep. Drawing a smiley face, introducing your name, telling a joke, apparently. 382 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,480 How about decent service? 383 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,480 I don't think they've ever thought of that. Might work. 384 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:29,120 Is that a suitable tip? If it is, I'm going to change everything. That's fantastic. £1.30. 385 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:32,080 - Which is the nation of biggest tippers? - America, is it? 386 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,400 America, yeah. 387 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,480 - What's considered the... - 20%. 388 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:36,600 20%? 389 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:41,760 But if it's bad service you take the tip and you put it in a glass of water and turn it upside down, 390 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,120 and leave it on the table. 391 00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:48,200 But you still leave it. If you leave an American restaurant without tipping, the waiter will chase you. 392 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:53,120 - Oh, sure. - They'll run down the street after you and say, "Sir, you didn't tip." They really will. 393 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,640 They take your money and say, "Will there be any change with that?" 394 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,840 Yes, I think you'll find that's a 100 bill and I've just had a cup of tea. 395 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,600 LAUGHTER 396 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,800 But what do we think in Britain is right? 397 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,920 - ANDY: 10%. - 10%. 398 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:11,320 But the average left in British restaurants is apparently 8.5%. 399 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,720 What's the matter with you people? 400 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,040 Out of the Welsh and the English in Britain who are the bigger tippers? 401 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,320 - I'll go Welsh. - Yes, they are. 402 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,960 - The English are the worst tippers in the UK. - I'm not surprised by that! 403 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:26,840 - No, I'm not either. - The English resent tipping. - They do, don't they? 404 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,200 I don't think it's that they resent tipping. 405 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,400 I think they can't be bothered to do the maths. 406 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,480 - LAUGHTER - Probably right! 407 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,000 That's what they resent... 408 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,040 "10% of 80p, that's what? 409 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,080 "Er, 5p..." 410 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,480 Here's the thing that counts against national happiness, 411 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:47,240 - the process of splitting the bill with the bastard at the end. - Yes. 412 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,880 "Oh, I only had a beer and a salad," 413 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,440 with the drunk at the other end who's had nine white Russians. 414 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,640 LAUGHTER 415 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:59,000 - DRUNKENLY: - "Let's just split it, yeah?" 416 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,520 LAUGHTER 417 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:03,400 It's true! It's so true. 418 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:07,520 One day, you'll be the one who's had the nine white Russians. It all comes around. 419 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,520 Are there countries where there's no tipping? 420 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,240 I bet there's no tipping in China. 421 00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,320 They certainly don't in Singapore. 422 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:17,960 - In Singapore it's actively wrong to tip. - Is it an insult? - And Japan it's not. 423 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,680 Well, it's Lee Kuan Yew. 424 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:24,120 There used to be signs in the little rickshaws saying "No tipping" in Singapore. 425 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:27,680 Sounds like something drunk students would do, rickshaw tipping. 426 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,480 LAUGHTER 427 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:30,600 "Hey-hey!" 428 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,960 STEPHEN MAKES UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES 429 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,280 LAUGHTER 430 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,560 - That came out out loud, Stephen. - I'm sorry. 431 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,280 We were all thinking it, but you said it. 432 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,640 If a waiter draws a smiley face on your bill, you might well leave a bigger tip. 433 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:50,680 From eating out to freaking out. 434 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:54,640 Why was everybody in the world expected to die laughing in 1910? 435 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,160 Was Michael McIntyre going on tour? 436 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:01,360 LAUGHTER 437 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,200 That is Arthur Smith on the far right, that is. 438 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,640 - Do we know anything about 1910? - 1910? - 1910? 439 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:12,880 - Everyone was expected to die. - They discovered laughing gas? 440 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,400 There was a hysteria about an upcoming event. 441 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,960 I bet it was a big volcano like Krakatoa or something. 442 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,800 It was certainly a phenomenon... 443 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:22,920 It was going to create a lot of pressure, 444 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,720 and when it went, it was going to sound like a big fart. 445 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,920 A giant whoopee cushion kind of caldera. 446 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,000 - That would make everybody laugh. - Yeah. 447 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,600 And they'd be frozen in lava laughing. 448 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:39,520 - It's possible. An even more cosmically grand event. - An actual event? 449 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,000 - ANDY: A comet. - A comet. The famous comet. - Halley's comet. 450 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,440 Halley's comet, yes, exactly. 451 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,280 Well, there it is. 452 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,680 And because this is the first time it had come round 453 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:54,040 since the science of astronomy had really got itself together, 454 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,160 there was kind of a little knowledge being a dangerous thing, 455 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:01,320 there was a chemical view, and there was a theory that the nitrogen in the atmosphere, 456 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,920 as the tail passed so close to the Earth, 457 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:09,200 would turn the atmosphere of the Earth into nitrous oxide, which is? 458 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,000 - Laughing gas. - Laughing gas. 459 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,960 And the whole population would start giggling and then die. 460 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,080 We'd all laugh ourselves to death. 461 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,520 - Oh, that would've been good. - It would have been! 462 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,560 So much for laughter making you live longer! 463 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,960 LAUGHTER 464 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:30,160 Some people put rags in their doors and windows to try and block the air getting in. 465 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,640 People were very convinced something dreadful was going to happen. 466 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,920 Can you imagine what the Daily Mail would make of that? 467 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,160 LAUGHTER 468 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:42,360 "Comet - we'll all laugh ourselves to death. Who's to blame?" 469 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:45,840 Has anybody ever laughed themselves to death that you know of? 470 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:49,400 - The bloke watching the Goodies. - You knew about that! Yes. 471 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:50,760 What was he watching? 472 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,400 Was it the Kitten Kong episode? 473 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,520 It wasn't that. That's the one we remember. 474 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:59,800 It was a Scotsman fending off an attack from a black pudding with a set of bagpipes. 475 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:03,000 You see! Don't! Oh, no! 476 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,440 LAUGHTER 477 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:07,720 - Have we killed anyone on this show? - I... 478 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,160 - Must try harder. - LAUGHTER 479 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:15,480 Yeah. He laughed for 25 minutes, had a heart attack, died on the sofa. 480 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,600 And the audience finds that very funny. 481 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:18,760 LAUGHTER 482 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,880 My god-daughter laughed for 25 minutes 483 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,800 when I showed her people falling down escalators on YouTube. 484 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,360 She's never seen anything so funny in her life. 485 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:31,520 There's people on the escalator, standing on the standing bit of it. 486 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,720 And then on the walking down bit of it, someone just falls down 487 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:36,600 at an incredible speed. 488 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:42,280 She watched that eight times. Crying with laughter. 489 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,360 I've seen a funny accident on an escalator. 490 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:48,880 A few people might have gone to hospital, I'm not sure. 491 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,040 LAUGHTER 492 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:51,320 When I was about 18, 493 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:55,440 it was quite crowded, and somebody down the front, a tourist I think, 494 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,560 got to the bottom and just stopped. 495 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,160 So you've got this fantastic "dum-dum-dum-dum." 496 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,600 Oh, concertina. 497 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:03,720 It was pure Marx brothers. Fantastic. 498 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:08,000 Funniest thing I ever saw was John McCririck fall out of a boat. 499 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,960 Really? 500 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,920 Pretended it didn't happen, and I was interviewing him, 501 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:16,520 and so none of the crew could laugh until two hours later. 502 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:17,840 LAUGHTER 503 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:22,120 And everyone laughed at the same time and didn't stop for half an hour. 504 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,640 They kept it in for two hours. It is possible. 505 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,480 That's fantastic. 506 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:29,720 Because he was so sort of pompously refusing? 507 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,520 He's a big, blustery guy, and he had a cigar, and he fell right on top of me, 508 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,600 and then fell out of the boat, and then got back in and said, 509 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,520 "Right, where were we?" 510 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,160 You just fell out of the boat. You're dripping wet. 511 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:44,400 Cigar just hanging out of his mouth. 512 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,280 Guy pretended it never happened. 513 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:50,360 So we all pretended it didn't happen until two hours later. 514 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,840 LAUGHTER 515 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,000 We were driving back, 516 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:58,120 and the guy driving was almost wrecked, 517 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:02,920 - he was laughing so hard. - Wouldn't it have been awful if the cameramen had kept the footage running, 518 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:06,880 and we could now persuade him to put it online somewhere so it could be seen. 519 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,640 I have the footage. 520 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,000 - And you haven't posted it? - No, I wouldn't. 521 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,000 You moral... 522 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:14,920 BOOING 523 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,280 Oh, it's going the other way! 524 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,960 I'll post it. Give it to me, I'll post it. 525 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,960 I will post it. I will. 526 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:23,000 Yeah. 527 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 528 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,640 Anyway. So, in 1910, people worried, 529 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:37,200 and they worried desperately that Halley's comet would turn the air into nitrous oxide 530 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,440 and we'd all die laughing. 531 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:43,720 What did the original Mr Happiness want to do to cheer up his front garden? 532 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:45,520 ANDY: Is that his garden? 533 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:47,760 I don't think that is his house, no. 534 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:48,960 Gnomes. 535 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:52,240 SIREN BLARES 536 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:53,360 Yeah! 537 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,000 APPLAUSE 538 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,880 When we say "Mr Happiness," it's a pretty tricky one. 539 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:03,080 We're talking about a person who... An intellectual. 540 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:04,520 - Oh. - Oh. 541 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:05,880 I thought it was Ken Dodd. 542 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:10,160 - Do we know of a philosopher who was interested in happiness? - Yeah, the Diddymen. 543 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:13,960 - They were interested... - Possibly even greater than the Diddymen. 544 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,040 ANDY: They're all interested in happiness. 545 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:18,080 They are. This one had a calculus of felicity. 546 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:22,360 He calculated how to make people happy, and he had a phrase I've used already, 547 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,480 "the greatest good for the greatest number." 548 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:26,960 - Oh, that's Bentham. - Bentham, that's the chap. 549 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:28,320 Tell me what you know about him. 550 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:30,240 He was a utilitarian, wasn't he? 551 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:34,400 Utilitarian is the name of his philosophy. This is very impressive. Well done. 552 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:37,320 See, Mr Gostick, I was paying attention! 553 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:41,200 - So what did he do in his garden? He... Ooh, I don't know. - Jeremy Bentham. 554 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:44,760 Yeah, he had a belief about how we should decorate our gardens. 555 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,680 For the benefit of other people, presumably? 556 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:50,640 For the benefit of ourselves in a very strange way. 557 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:54,160 He felt that maybe our taboos about death were a bit... 558 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:55,280 Corpses? 559 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:56,600 Corpses. 560 00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:58,000 Nan in the tree? 561 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,360 Yeah. Yeah. 562 00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,240 The cat pawing away at her? 563 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:04,240 - Yeah. - He put corpses in his garden? 564 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:08,600 Yeah. He called them auto-icons, and he thought they should be all around us. 565 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:11,200 But he also had a view of his own death. 566 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:14,160 Do you know what happened to Jeremy Bentham when he died? 567 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,800 - Someone planted him in the garden, I expect. - I bet they know in the audience. 568 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:21,640 - AUDIENCE MEMBERS: - He was stuffed. - He was stuffed, that's exactly right. 569 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,160 You can go and inspect him. He's in a big cabinet, stuffed, 570 00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:26,560 in University College London. 571 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:31,800 - But bits of him will have been chopped off by medical students for parties. - That did happen to his head. 572 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:33,520 That's his body. He was dressed. 573 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,800 He had a group of friends around. 574 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,560 - 150, perhaps? - Actually, I think it was only 28! 575 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,120 LAUGHTER 576 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,480 It's a good call, it should have been that number. 577 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:48,480 He decided that his skin should be stripped off, his bones and things should have stuffing around them, 578 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:49,600 and there it is. 579 00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,840 He perhaps invented underpants. He... 580 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:53,280 LAUGHTER 581 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:55,160 Well, it's very hard to say, 582 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:59,840 but he was one of the first people of his time who insisted on wearing what we would call boxer shorts. 583 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:05,840 Most men just had the front of their shirt sort of curved upwards under their bits. 584 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:08,080 Oh, Christ! 585 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,320 Important man nonetheless, great intellectual. 586 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:13,400 That'd be a great test of friendship. 587 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,480 "You mind coming round and stuffing me when I die, yeah?" 588 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:20,000 Anyway, Jeremy Bentham, founder of utilitarianism, 589 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:24,160 or the idea that happiness equates to the greatest good for the greatest number, 590 00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:27,240 once wrote to London County Council asking for permission 591 00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:32,120 to replace the shrubs along his driveway with a line of varnished corpses. 592 00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:37,240 But which small furry animal would you make happier by taking it to see Bambi? 593 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,280 LAUGHTER 594 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,240 - RICH: Does it have to be furry? - Yeah. 595 00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,600 It's a particular species. 596 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,080 What happens to Bambi when...? 597 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,520 - His mum gets shot. - And then what does Bambi do? 598 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:51,640 Then Bambi hangs out with the other animals and learns to skate. 599 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:53,800 But before that he cries. 600 00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:58,120 Now, this is weird. This is an animal that gets off on deer's tears. 601 00:31:58,120 --> 00:31:59,320 LAUGHTER 602 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,200 Shut up! 603 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,560 When I say get off, I don't mean it has, you know... 604 00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:06,520 LAUGHTER 605 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:08,960 - Does it drink the tears? - It drinks the tears. 606 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,200 PHILL LAUGHS 607 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,040 No! 608 00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:15,240 - So it's got to be something small. A vole? - Even smaller. 609 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:17,720 - Smaller than a mouse? - Furry. - Bumblebee? 610 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:21,840 Yes. There's a species of bee that rather than going for nectar, 611 00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:26,960 goes for the salt in the tears of horses and deer. 612 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:30,880 And I thought that the Gale's tasted a bit funny that year. 613 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:32,080 A bit salty! 614 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,920 "I'm definitely getting deer tear. I'm getting... Mmm, 615 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,240 "I'm getting... I'm getting misery." 616 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:38,560 LAUGHTER 617 00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:43,040 They've also been observed drinking tears from human eyes 618 00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:46,760 There are three species of stingless bee, you'll be happy to know. 619 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:50,000 There they are. They're tiny. Actually, they're not that furry. 620 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,360 Oh, you meant bluebottles. 621 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:53,640 LAUGHTER 622 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,240 There we were kind of dealing with the image of a lovely bee 623 00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:59,640 - all stripey... - Tiny-whiney, aren't they? - God! 624 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:05,120 Lisotrigona cachii, Lisotrigona ferva and Lisotrigona pariatriginum. 625 00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:06,880 And that's what they do. It's strange. 626 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:10,480 So they suck on your misery. 627 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,080 LAUGHTER 628 00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,080 It sounded rather poetic when it came into my head, but... 629 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:19,040 That is your cue to make your first heavy metal album 630 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:22,080 and you have to call it Suck On My Misery. 631 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:26,040 I will. But from one veil of tears to another. 632 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:30,000 Where did Florence Nightingale do her most important work? 633 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:33,440 - Hospital. - Where? 634 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,480 - In a hospital. - In a hostel or a hospital? - A hospital. 635 00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:39,680 - Hospital. - I think this was in her bed. - Yes, you're right! 636 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,320 You know a bit about it clearly. 637 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:46,040 - Well, she... I think... - Didn't she stay in bed for about 50 years or something? 638 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:49,720 I think Florence Nightingale came back from the Crimea 639 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:54,600 where she'd done a lot of good stuff, and then she took to her bed 640 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:57,560 in a rather sort of attention-seeking way, 641 00:33:57,560 --> 00:34:00,240 and was a bit of a pain the arse I suspect, but she made 642 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,440 the great and the good come to her bedside. 643 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,160 She was such an icon and she founded, 644 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:08,800 I mean British nursing was sort of founded by... 645 00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:12,040 The odd thing is you said in the Crimea, having done a lot of good, 646 00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:14,560 the strange thing is she felt she didn't do any good. 647 00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:15,600 She's right, she didn't. 648 00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:18,520 You were three times more likely to die in Scutari, the hospital she ran 649 00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:22,800 than you were in a rough field hospital, because there was so much infection. 650 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,880 It was a disastrous place and there were reports that showed 651 00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:29,800 that the outcome of all the patients under her care was terrible. 652 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:34,240 She thought this report would expose her and she was ashamed in fact, 653 00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:38,800 and she kind of had a decline. It wasn't anything other than just 654 00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:42,000 she thought her life, her career and her reputation was over. 655 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:46,600 Went home, went to bed and stayed in bed, but she lived, as you say, over 50 years in bed. 656 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:49,760 She would awaken and start work at five, writing letters 657 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:53,160 and campaigning and doing all the good that she then did 658 00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,320 in laying down standards of cleanliness. 659 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,800 But it was really to expiate the failure of her work in the Crimea, 660 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:02,800 - which is quite surprising I think. - Yeah. 661 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:06,200 But if ignorance is bliss, then prepare for a torrent of pleasure. 662 00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:09,760 It's time for General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers. 663 00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:15,080 What is Africa's dominant animal predator? 664 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:20,200 By dominant, do we mean the one that kills the most things? 665 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:22,880 Kills the most other animals? 666 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:24,040 Yeah. 667 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,720 - I guess, as a predator. - Hyena. 668 00:35:26,720 --> 00:35:28,560 Is the right answer! 669 00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:32,120 APPLAUSE 670 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:38,960 You're on fire! 671 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:40,760 No, because I watched something 672 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:44,520 where David Attenborough said, "The hyena is the biggest killer..." 673 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:48,080 Most people might think it was the lion as the most dominant. 674 00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,480 Obviously mosquitoes kill more humans. 675 00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,520 But lions are lazy buggers. 676 00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:58,560 They are. It's much more likely that a lion will scavenge the kill of a hyena than the hyena that of a lion. 677 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:02,480 We think of hyenas as sloping away like jackals, 678 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:05,000 but they're very intelligent. 679 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,400 There they are - spotty. 680 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:09,440 You wouldn't want one round the house, necessarily. 681 00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:12,480 - You wouldn't want to be chased by a pack of them. - No, you wouldn't. 682 00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:18,160 What's with the laughter - they laugh. What's that about? What does the laugh mean? 683 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:19,960 They're communicating. 684 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,920 It's a particular thing they're communicating. 685 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:28,200 They're watching Mr Bean. It's popular in every country in the world - why wouldn't they like it? 686 00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:32,240 I think they're laughing cos they're remembering something that happened earlier. 687 00:36:32,240 --> 00:36:36,480 Oh, yes. It's actually clan submissiveness, supposedly. Would you like to hear it? 688 00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:38,360 Like to hear a hyena laugh? 689 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:40,960 Are you going to bring one in? 690 00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:44,880 HYENA LAUGHS 691 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:50,440 That is the noise my goddaughter makes when she watches people falling down escalators. 692 00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:53,920 Shall we hear it again? It's a good sound. 693 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:57,840 - HYENA LAUGHS - That's it. 694 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:08,160 Do you know as an acting trick - if you are asked to laugh, some people find it very difficult. 695 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:11,960 And it's terrible if it sounds false. Ha-ha! 696 00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,760 But a simple physical technique - 697 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:19,080 anyone can then sound convincing... 698 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:19,080 Ice cube in the anus. 699 00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:22,360 LAUGHTER 700 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:28,240 Right. Yeah. That might do something, I don't know. 701 00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:32,560 Might make others laugh. No, it's something you can do in public... 702 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,280 It'll make you laugh - try it later. 703 00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:39,000 Holding your breath. 704 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:43,040 - No. - No, it's the opposite. What you have to do is empty your lungs. 705 00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:45,840 - What most people do is go... - HE INHALES 706 00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:50,160 ..then ha-ha! and it sounds false. But if you empty your lungs... 707 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:51,840 HE LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY 708 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:55,040 When people are seriously laughing, their breath... 709 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,240 You put an ice cube up your bum, you'll empty your lungs. 710 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:02,240 Also be that, I grant you. 711 00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:04,480 Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! 712 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,040 Woo! Ha-ha-ha! 713 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:09,080 That's a good hyena - that's a very good hyena. 714 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,240 That was a very cheap drama school you went to. 715 00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:16,480 It was all done in a room over a pub. 716 00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:19,560 We got a certificate. 717 00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:27,600 In many areas, hyena kills are a lion's main source of food. 718 00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,640 So what is the £5 note made from? 719 00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:35,960 Paper. 720 00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:41,840 Let's just get that one out the way. 721 00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:45,200 Er, it's made out of money. 722 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:48,680 - No, cotton and linen. - Oh. 723 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:51,600 - Not made from wood at all. - Money isn't made of paper? 724 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,800 No tree had any part in the making of your £5 note. 725 00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:58,880 Which is surprising. But it's not very funny. 726 00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:01,960 But I thought you'd like to know. 727 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:04,680 I just find it extraordinary. 728 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:09,880 - Do you? Thank you. - It sounds like paper when you tear it up and laugh in the waiter's face. 729 00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:16,400 That's for the smiley face. 730 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:18,080 Steven. 731 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:22,240 - Apparently called Steven, but you were saying it with a V, I could tell. - Yeah, totally. 732 00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:25,680 Well done, that's right. Nothing more to say. Bank notes are made 733 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:29,280 from cotton or linen, because wood-based paper is far too fragile. 734 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:33,600 But what happens to your general mood as you get older? 735 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:37,720 LAUGHTER 736 00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:40,960 - You become more...sedated. - Oh, there's Phill again, look. 737 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:44,200 - Um, I think... - You don't get grumpier. 738 00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:46,640 No, I think you get happier. 739 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:49,440 There was a thing in the paper a while back, 740 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:54,520 surprisingly showing people around the age of 81 were really happy. 741 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:58,040 Presumably, that's just smugness. You think, "I've made it to 81." 742 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:00,120 So, I don't know. 743 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:02,120 Nothing. No change. 744 00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,720 Well, essentially, you just stay much as you were. 745 00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,920 Your general disposition seems to be more or less fixed. 746 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:12,600 - Except you wear a newspaper on your head. - Yes, the actual behaviour can be a little strange. 747 00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:16,360 But the idea that men become grumpy or women become grumpy is nonsense. 748 00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:19,680 I've read that, so I'll put that there. 749 00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,800 Is this what that philosopher's front garden would look like? 750 00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:27,160 Bentham's front lawn. 751 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:33,120 There's been the Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Ageing, which has been running since '58... 752 00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:37,440 - It's one of my favourite studies of ageing. - It's one of the best. And it's shattered a number of myths 753 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:41,960 about the ageing process, including the belief that people become more depressed and cranky 754 00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,200 or withdrawn or rigid or bad-tempered as they age. 755 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:48,080 In fact, adults change little after 30 in those terms. 756 00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,760 The grumpy old git probably used to be a grumpy young git. 757 00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:54,000 Now it's time to separate the cheer from the gloom 758 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:58,760 as we consider the scores. Oh, good gracious me. 759 00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:02,680 In the lead, with a magnificent four points, it's Phill Jupitus! 760 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:06,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 761 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:11,400 Very happy score. And... 762 00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:16,080 In second place with a very positive one point, Rich Hall! 763 00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:18,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 764 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:27,760 And despite his brilliance, in third place with minus 15 - Andy Hamilton. 765 00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 766 00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:38,040 - I know. - Unhappily, at minus 35 - Alan Davies. - Thank you. 767 00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:39,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 768 00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:49,280 It only remains for me to thank Rich, Phill, Andy and Alan. 769 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:54,800 And to leave you with this, at a dinner for Sir Harold and Lady MacMillan, hosted by the de Gaulles 770 00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:58,480 at the Elysee Palace, Lady Dorothy asked Madame de Gaulle if after 771 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:02,760 all her husband's many achievements, there was anything she still wanted. 772 00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:06,200 "Yes," said the First Lady of France. "A penis." 773 00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:10,240 At which, the General leaned over and whispered discreetly, 774 00:42:10,240 --> 00:42:13,920 "No, my dear, in English, it is pronounced happiness." 775 00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:15,720 Goodnight. 776 00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:18,280 APPLAUSE 777 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:37,800 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 778 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:40,840 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net