1 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:26,040 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:39,000 Well, hi there, hi there, hi there, hiya, hiya, hi and hello! 3 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,960 Tonight we scale the heights and plumb the depths 4 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,520 for our theme is highs and lows and joining me tonight, 5 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,160 the height of good manners, 6 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:48,760 - Sandi Toksvig... - APPLAUSE 7 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:56,560 - ..and the highly-fancied Rob Brydon... - APPLAUSE 8 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,960 - ..the highly-regarded Fred MacAulay... - APPLAUSE 9 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,920 - ..and the depths of depravity, Alan Davies. - APPLAUSE 10 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,160 So... 11 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:21,600 - ..your buzzers, if you please. Sandi goes... - MID-RANGE # La! # 12 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,880 - ..Rob goes... - HIGHER: # La! # 13 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:26,920 - ..Fred goes... - HIGHER STILL: # La! # 14 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,640 - ..Alan goes... - DEEP: # LA! # 15 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:35,960 Of course, what else? Let's start our journey in the heather-clad Highlands. 16 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:39,000 Fred, perhaps you can help us as a Scot. 17 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:46,600 I'm a non-Scotsman, as are the others, so which of the tartans here would I NOT be entitled to wear? 18 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,800 Oh, good grief! 19 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:54,640 - Do you recognise any of them? - I think the one on the extreme left could be a Stewart. - It is! 20 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:58,920 - Not just a Stewart. - Royal. - Royal Stewart. - Royal Stewart. 21 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:03,440 - The next one, I think, is... - A mistake. - ..probably Burberry. 22 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:08,480 - Burp-erry. - No, Burb-erry. Ahem, forgive me. 23 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:13,000 Erm...as is the next one. I don't think you'd be allowed to wear 24 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,600 anything other than the black and white one. 25 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,200 Well, it's interesting. What you say is true. 26 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:24,320 That one is the Royal Stewart. The one next to it, the purple and green, is actually known as 27 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:29,360 the Sikh tartan and it's for the Singh, S-I-N-G-H, 28 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:35,520 and a rich Sikh businessman went to the biggest of the tartan companies and said, "I want a Sikh tartan," 29 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,320 and, of course, they obliged. 30 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:42,720 - It's the Wimbledon colours. - It is actually Wimbledon, you're right, green and purple. - Yeah. 31 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:49,480 The point is that the whole tartan business is very recent. It's not an ancient clan thing. 32 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:55,160 It's only in the 19th century when the Highlands became the playground of the Royal Family and Balmoral 33 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,080 and places like this, they were never related to families. 34 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:02,920 It wasn't like, "Oh, we're in Glen Coe and we're the MacDonalds, so this is ours." 35 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:07,800 That all happened much, much later and was a sort of invention of the tartan-selling cloth merchants 36 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:14,960 - of the Royal Mile and other such places. - I fear I might not be able to contribute. I'm welling up. 37 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:21,240 If there is one we CAN wear, it is the Royal Stewart because we can all wear the tartan of our chieftain, 38 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,040 and, constitutionally, Her Maj is our chieftain 39 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:29,160 - and therefore we, if we're British subjects... - So I couldn't wear it, then? 40 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:32,040 - You're not a British subject. - I'm Danish. - You're Danish. 41 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,200 - Is there a Danish tartan, made of pastry...? - No. 42 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,920 That's our entire culture in a nutshell, um... 43 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,560 You forgot the porn films, you silly boy. 44 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:50,280 With an apricot plopped in the middle, so your people certainly claimed the tartan, 45 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:56,040 and took hold of it, but there's nothing in history to show that that was the first place that plaid, 46 00:03:56,040 --> 00:04:01,040 - as the Americans call tartan... Do you know what "plaid" means, where it's from? - It means tartan. 47 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:08,400 - No, it doesn't really, it's a Gaelic word... - It's the same as plaiting. - Is it blanket? Like a blanket? - Yes. 48 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:15,160 - The Gaelic for blanket is plaid. - Plaid. - And tartan is thought to come from the French "tertaine"... 49 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,720 He didn't know how to put that on, did he? Oh! 50 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,160 Oh, I don't know! 51 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,880 I don't know. How's that? 52 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:26,040 - Steady! - If I move, it'll fall off. 53 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:30,040 - Take the picture, take the picture. - Funnily enough, that was the original tartan, 54 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:35,320 - the long thing that went over your shoulders, and the modern... - SCOTTISH: - "I've my sword in my toe! 55 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,160 "Ha! God! 56 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,400 "Take the picture, it hurts!" 57 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:50,640 - The short kilt... - "Is there a weed in my hat? Is there something growing in my hat? 58 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,880 "It's a weed!" "No, no, it's fine." 59 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:59,800 - It's a symbol of something... - "I cannae move, my tartan will fall." Sorry about this offensive accent. 60 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,880 It's lovely to see you again... 61 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:09,760 There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder, "What does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt?" 62 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:15,280 And I can tell you a true Scotsman would never tell you what he wears under his kilt. 63 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:21,920 - He will SHOW you at the drop of a hat. - I've seen dandruff on the shoes. That's a giveaway. 64 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,320 AUDIENCE GROANS 65 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:29,640 - Oh, dear. The short kilt... - I don't feel well now. 66 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:35,680 How could you, with that information? Give me something else. Give me another image. 67 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,440 Danish pastry, Danish pastry. 68 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:42,600 The short kilt, you'll be sorry to know, is an English invention. 69 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:46,400 It was an industrialist called Rawlinson who had an iron mill in Scotland, 70 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,840 who thought that this long blanket was a waste of time, 71 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:55,920 but that the short kilt with skirt, basically, would be a very handy and efficient way of dressing. 72 00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:03,640 Do you know how to get the exact length of the kilt correct? You kneel down so the bottom hem 73 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:10,520 - of the kilt just has to rest on the surface. - That's how we measured our skirts at school. - Oh, really? 74 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:15,120 At boarding school. Mind you, we all wore two pair of pants just on the off-chance. 75 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:21,360 - We wore a white pair with a blue pair over the top, in case any boy should happen... - No! - Yes. - Seriously? 76 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,960 In case one pair would fly off accidentally. 77 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:28,720 - How extraordinary! - They were terrified of boys. Meanwhile, I was in a dorm full of girls 78 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:29,760 and quite happy. 79 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,760 - I was going to say that. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 80 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:41,280 Well, there you are. The fact is , the idea of being entitled to a particular tartan is fairly recent, 81 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:48,360 comes from England, but you can't go wrong with Royal Stewart. How do you win a caber-throwing competition? 82 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:54,280 - Oh-ho! He's a big boy! - Good to see Mel Smith getting back out into the public eye. 83 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:59,360 - he looks like he's just caught that one. - It does, doesn't it? - Whooar! I've got it! 84 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,760 What's really unlikely is that I have taken part 85 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,080 - in a caber... - LAUGHTER - I know. - Wow! - Yeah. I took part 86 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:10,720 - in some Highland Games. You have to toss it and it has to flip over... - Yes. 87 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:16,800 - ..and then it's the direction... - It doesn't matter how high it is or how far it is, not like putting shot, 88 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:21,640 - it's not about distance, it's how straight it is... - 12 o'clock. - 12 o'clock is the phrase. 89 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:26,600 You have points deducted for every minute off 12 o'clock you are from yourself. 90 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,720 We can see someone doing a very good one and it doesn't look easy. 91 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,840 - That must be very, very heavy. - Yeah. 92 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:36,120 And you think, "It's going to fall back on him," 93 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:40,320 - but no, it just goes over and... that's impressive. - It's disappeared. 94 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,000 It's completely disappeared into the long grass. 95 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,920 It could be a man in early January disposing of this Christmas tree. 96 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,200 Yes. 97 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:53,360 - Or trying to. - I love the Highland Games cos they do just what it says on the tin. 98 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:58,640 - Weight over the bar is one of them and you throw a weight over a bar. - LAUGHTER 99 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:03,000 - They have sheaf toss... - A sheaf toss. - A sheaf, and you toss it. 100 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,280 It's straightforward... For those of us that loathe sport, it's straightforward. 101 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,080 I know what's going to happen. 102 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:13,920 - Hammer toss. I'll get out the way. I know what's happening. - Putting the hot was putting the stone. 103 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:19,720 - Aye! - But again, it's a recent invention. People have claimed it goes back to Malcolm III, 104 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:25,640 you know, the son of the murdered King Duncan, the one that Macbeth murdered, but there's no evidence. 105 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:30,160 The first one was in the 19th century, the first gathering of these games 106 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,080 and it was around the time of Queen Victoria, 107 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:38,240 - and Prince Albert came to Balmoral and they liked it, there was one at Braemar... - "Entertainment! 108 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:44,960 - "We need entertainment." - Exactly. And around the same time, or a little later, Baron de Coubertin, 109 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:50,320 who founded the modern Olympic movement, he saw them and he liked a lot of the events, including... 110 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:55,360 - Which ones went into the Olympics from the Highland Games? - Poetry. - No. 111 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:59,440 There was poetry in the Olympic Games, as you rightly remembered, but no. 112 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:05,480 - The hammer is still there, the shot. - Not the caber-tossing. - Not the caber toss. - Never made it. 113 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,320 Dancing was another feature, which was originally all men, 114 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,840 but now tends to be almost exclusively women. 115 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:18,200 - As is the man on the left. - Oh, yes. - Can I just say well done to whoever used the computer-aided design 116 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,480 to put in a blue sky and some shadows. 117 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,200 Very good indeed. 118 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:35,000 - Did you ever try it as a child? - We had to do country dancing in primary school. - I had to. 119 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,720 - I was in the lead-off pair with Nicola Raby. - Wow! 120 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:45,120 - That came out very quickly. Nicola Raby obviously meant something to you. - Yeah, she was a good dancer - 121 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:50,840 - the best in the class. - Do you know who the great, you may have heard of him, Donald Dinnie was? 122 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:55,360 Donald Dinnie? That's an instruction in Scotland. "Donald, dinnae! 123 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,560 "Whatever it is you're thinking about, Donald, dinnae! 124 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,360 "Jimmy, you can, but, Donald, dinnae!" 125 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,600 Well, I'm afraid Donald DID! Those are all his medals. 126 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:11,120 He was far and away the most successful Highland Games exponent in all disciplines. 127 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:17,080 - "Remove these. They're all going to fall off!" - He won, in one day alone, 20 prizes in different disciplines 128 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:26,160 - in a Highland gathering. - He doesn't look the build of a heavy... - For 40 years, from 1850 to 1890, 129 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,720 he ruled supreme. 130 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:32,720 - Can I ask, Stephen, what did he win the medals for? - Caber-tossing, he was most proficient at. 131 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,480 He was also a high jumper. 132 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:40,560 There was one high jumping thing and he failed twice, took his kilt off and managed it on the third attempt. 133 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:45,040 So, yes, caber-tossing is all about the straightness of the throw. 134 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,560 Caber-tossing is sometimes called spurning the barre, 135 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,440 - not something you'd imagine any Scot ever doing. - LAUGHTER 136 00:10:54,200 --> 00:11:00,080 What was regularly smuggled into the USA from Canada for the traditional Burns Night celebrations? 137 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:05,960 - What do they have at Burns Night celebrations - haggises? - Is the right answer! - Thank you. 138 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,480 CHEERING 139 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:18,440 We thought you might be tempted to say whisky, but this is from 1989 up until 2010, 140 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:23,880 haggises were smuggled from Canada into America - why might this be? 141 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:30,000 - Because the Americans don't approve of inedible food. - Haggis is delish! 142 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:34,200 - Why? I can't think... - There is one element inside the haggis that was contraband. 143 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,600 - There it is. What's the outer casing? - Stomach. 144 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:43,320 - A sheep's stomach, and inside is... - It's called pluck. Pluck is the correct word for the bits... 145 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:47,080 - Is it heart, liver and...? - Offal, certainly, bits of that, 146 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:52,600 - but one... - Lung. - Lugs, which is known, in the butcher's trade, as the lights, which are... 147 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:58,400 And those were outlawed in America because of BSE and indeed their own problems. You couldn't eat them. 148 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,200 So there was a trade in smuggled Canadian haggis. 149 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:05,000 What do we know about the haggis? Which nation invented the haggis? 150 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:10,960 - I wonder if we're not responsible. - You think it might be Danes? - It might be. 151 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:16,120 The first reference in the British Isles is Lancashire but there are lots of theories about the haggis. 152 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:21,720 - Offal comes from Danish. It's from the Danish word for rubbish - affald. - Oh, really? 153 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:28,360 - There must be some hideous Scandinavian connection. - Some think it was Vikings who brought it over. 154 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:33,800 - It comes from Lancashire, does it? - The first reference to it. - You know the Burns Address to the haggis? 155 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:40,000 - Yes, it's a poem. - It's a poem, which on Burns Night, at a Burns Supper, somebody would address it. 156 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,080 It would come in... That's been cut open but before it's cut, 157 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:49,040 someone addresses it and it starts with, "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, 158 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:50,560 "Great chieftain o' the puddin-race! 159 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:53,960 "Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm 160 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:59,560 - "Weel are ye wordy of a grace As lang's my arm." - Oh, bravo! - APPLAUSE 161 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:09,400 And there it is being piped in, but somebody I know was doing a Burns Supper abroad, 162 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:14,400 and they had sent the address over to Germany and it was translated into German, 163 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:19,760 but the German translated it back and the line, instead of "Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!" 164 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,200 translated back as, "Mighty Fuhrer of the sausage people." 165 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,240 Oh, that's fabulous! 166 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,960 That should stay. It's a lot better than "Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!" 167 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:41,080 - "Mighty Fuhrer of the sausage people." What is the date of Burns Night? - January 25th. 168 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:46,960 Yes, it's his birthday. I like the way you get all your celebrations in one corner of the year. 169 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:53,440 Being Scottish, you have Christmas craziness, then Hogmanay insanity, Burns Night three weeks later... 170 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:57,840 - PRIM SCOTTISH ACCENT: - ..and for the rest of the year, nothing. Just a long hangover. 171 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,520 - Abstinence. - Abstinence. Dourness. 172 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:05,080 There is no poet that has the same affection in the English culture. 173 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:10,080 We venerate Shakespeare in different ways. Some people resent him because of school. 174 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:16,720 - But there is a deep love for Burns. - Absolutely. He was a great man and very forward-thinking. 175 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,040 He was completely and utterly anti-slave trade. 176 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:25,600 So much so that if you go to the Burns Museum, there is a photograph of Muhammad Ali, 177 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:30,400 who came over to Scotland and visited it because he was a student of Burns, 178 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:35,120 because of the humanitarian work that he'd done 150 years ago. 179 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,120 - And he was fond of a rhyme. - And he loves haggis. 180 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:41,640 "I love all you sausage people," he used to say. 181 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:47,680 Scottish friends of mine used to say, "I don't know why you go on about our accent being impenetrable. 182 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:51,200 "Americans find it easier to understand than English." 183 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:56,240 Then I saw Trainspotting in America and there were subtitles all the way through. 184 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:59,840 Where is the Chinese Burns Night celebrated? 185 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,520 - Beijing. - No, oddly enough. 186 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:05,960 - There is one... - Chinese Burns Night? - There's one where they combine... 187 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:09,680 Isn't that something unpleasant done to your wrist? 188 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 189 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,920 - I mean, fun, but a whole evening? - LAUGHTER 190 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,520 It combines Burns Night with the Chinese New Year. 191 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:28,360 Because they often fall very close to each other. And in Vancouver they hold them together. 192 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,880 It's called Gung Haggis Fat Choy, and they have haggis with bean curd sauce and things like that. 193 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:37,800 And the biggest Highland Games, with regular spectators of 50,000, is where, do you think? 194 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,600 - It has to be in the States. - It is. 195 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:44,240 - It's Arkansas, Kentucky or... - No, it's actually in San Francisco. 196 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:50,400 - I was going to get there eventually. - Quite camp, then. - Quite camp, yes! - Pink tartan. - Oh, dear me! 197 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:56,360 Canadian haggis smugglers plied their wicked trade across the US border right up until 2010. 198 00:15:56,360 --> 00:16:01,480 Now, once he'd conquered Everest, what did Edmund Hillary do for an encore? 199 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:05,920 - He had a massive teeth-off with Sherpa Tenzing. - LAUGHTER 200 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:13,120 "I can notice no other... Look at my teeth, they've grown! Look at my teeth!" 201 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,440 "Mine too, Edmund, mine too!" 202 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,160 Look at this. Ready? Ready? > 203 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,200 You DO look like him! 204 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,280 - Oh, my God! - LAUGHTER 205 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:26,000 APPLAUSE 206 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,560 - Did he become a Welsh comedian? - No! - Me or him? 207 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:38,600 I do look a bit like him, actually, but there's not much you can do with it. 208 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,880 - Not really. - You've got to do a Kiwi accent. 209 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:45,000 KIWI ACCENT: Yeah, I mean, I've climbed a few mountains in my time, sure I hiv, 210 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,720 but it's not something I like to go on abit. 211 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,000 I'm struggling because... 212 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,160 - Needs a bit of work there, Rob. - I'm sorry, I apologise... 213 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,360 I apologise to any New Zealanders watching. 214 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,840 The Australians, they don't say Elvis, they say Ilvis. 215 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:04,400 I heard that New Zealanders are traditionally quite puritanical 216 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,760 and it's quite hard for them even to say the word "six". 217 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:11,880 One, two, three, four, five... Ooh, I can't say it. Six. 218 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:15,480 There's a famous graffiti that was seen in Melbourne, 219 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,600 which looked like a rugby score, "Australia 6, New Zealand 7", 220 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:25,080 which of course they would pronounce as "Australia sucks, New Zealand's heaven." 221 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:28,360 - Isn't that clever? - Doesn't really travel, does it? - No, it doesn't. 222 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:33,120 I should tell you, when this photograph was taken - I'll never forget it - we'd had a... 223 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,280 LAUGHTER 224 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:39,280 We'd had a wonderful day and I'd just said a lovely joke to my good friend there 225 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,400 - and as you can see he was pissing himself laughing. - And his name was? 226 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,200 His name was Bert. 227 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,120 - LAUGHTER - His name was? 228 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,960 - Sherpa Tenzing. - Sherpa Tenzing Norgay. - Yes, but to his FRIENDS... 229 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:55,840 - Wasn't it cheating, having someone carry your luggage for you? - STEPHEN LAUGHS 230 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,240 - Now, which one of them got to the peak first? - Sherpa Tenzing. 231 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,240 - No, Hillary. - Edmund Hillary. 232 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,000 And not only that... 233 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,200 - Were they racing? - Not at all, they were friends, and Tenzing Norgay 234 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,240 wrote in his autobiography that Hillary got to the top first, 235 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,960 and that Hillary said, "No, we tell everybody we got there together." 236 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:18,480 Then the King of Nepal said, "Everybody knows that Tenzing got there first," 237 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,080 and Hillary didn't say a word. 238 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,880 - Oh... - He was very noble about it. 239 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:27,320 And he actually devoted most of his life to raising money for the Nepalese people. 240 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,560 25 schools, his charity, so he was a very good man, 241 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,360 but what did he do after Everest? 242 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:37,520 - He went to the bottom of the sea. - No. - Did he climb something else? 243 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:43,040 No, he didn't. Well, sort of. It was in the Himalayas still, but he went on an expedition... 244 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:49,040 He took an incredible challenge that tested the extremes of physical endurance. 245 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:54,880 - Not really. It was a bit of a wild goose chase. - Was he looking for the Yeti? - He went on a Yeti hunt. 246 00:18:54,880 --> 00:19:00,880 He concluded that the thing didn't exist, but this is him preparing, looking slightly less like Rob. 247 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:05,280 - Who does he look like there? - Erm... - Edmund Hillary. - Basically, yes. 248 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:09,880 He does look awkward. He does look like, "Yes, I am going to marry her, because I love her." 249 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:15,920 - "I'm standing by her." - In that picture I look more like the chap in the drawing, actually. 250 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:17,800 Did he really think that it existed? 251 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,920 He wanted to settle the matter, or at least attempt to, 252 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:26,640 and of course they didn't find it, but one thing they discovered is this footprint business, 253 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:33,520 and in shadows a fox print is small, but as it gets into a sunny area it gets elongated as it melts, 254 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,960 and a human footprint can go up to 21 inches, 255 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:40,720 and that seems to be an explanation for some of the footprint stories. 256 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,040 - They're like the crop circles of the Himalayas. - They kind of are. 257 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,440 To be fair, one of the members said, "We were probably too noisy," 258 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:53,080 because they didn't see a snow leopard, and we know they exist, so it doesn't prove that they don't. 259 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:58,560 - Are you suggesting that only an expedition that was fantastically quiet might find it? - Well... 260 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,280 - "Shhhh!" - Yes, basically. 261 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:05,280 They lost their mobile signal. "Hello?! Yeah, we're nearly at the top! You're breaking up." 262 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,240 "We're looking for the Yeti!" 263 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:11,680 Ironically, you get fantastic mobile coverage high up mountains. 264 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:16,360 If you ever go on a skiing holiday, you... Oh, good God, what's that? 265 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:19,160 An artist's impression of a thing that doesn't exist. 266 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:25,040 - Edmund Hillary, after looking for a Yeti for 20 years. - LAUGHTER 267 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,600 Some people thought that actually they were on a spying mission, 268 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,640 because two of the people with him were rocket experts, 269 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:35,440 and that they were spying on Chinese rocket installations in Tibet. 270 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:41,400 - Who knows? - Some people now think that may have been... - Yes, they still think that's what they were doing. 271 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,000 So, there you are. That's basically the answer. 272 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:48,960 After conquering Everest in '53, Edmund Hillary went in search of the Abominable Snowman. 273 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:55,520 Speaking of Yetis, what would be the quickest way of getting Brian Blessed to the top of Everest? 274 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,920 LAUGHTER 275 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:01,720 Tell him they're putting on a production of Peter Pan, 276 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:05,560 Ken Branagh's directing and he's a shoo-in for Captain... 277 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,240 - MIMICS BRIAN BLESSED: - "I'd do it like a shot!" 278 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:13,440 - That's possible. - He loves mountain climbing. - Of course he does. Has he climbed Everest? 279 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,240 - He had a go. - He's had several goes. 280 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:20,280 He got incredibly close. He got to 28,000 feet without oxygen, 281 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,600 the oldest man ever to climb that height. 282 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:29,120 He had to turn back to save someone's life. His whole life, he'd been wanting to climb it. 283 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:33,160 He helped save someone's life, so that stopped him going to the top. 284 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,600 He's a Black Belt in judo, he was a boxing champion. 285 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:42,440 He's the oldest man to go to the North Pole and to 28,000 feet without oxygen. He's extraordinary. 286 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:47,800 You say he went to 28,000 feet without oxygen, but he must have had some. 287 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,400 No, I mean... Sorry. Without the assistance. 288 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,840 He held his breath all the way. > 289 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:56,960 "Here we go, OK." BREATHES HEAVILY 290 00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,920 Using the very little that is in the atmosphere. 291 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:05,160 I think the fastest way to get him up is you get a big balloon full of hot air, 292 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,680 then tell him to go up the mountain. 293 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:12,720 That would be quite... There is a quicker way, but it's incredibly dangerous. 294 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:17,320 - It's only recently been done. - Can't you be dropped by a plane? 295 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:22,160 It's been done once by helicopter. It's unbelievably difficult 296 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,720 because with that little air, the rotor resistance... 297 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:31,560 And the hydraulic fluids all behave differently. It's a pretty insane thing to try and do. 298 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,360 And the winds gust at 160mph. 299 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:40,640 It was done by a Frenchman called Didier Desalle. He stayed on the surface for two minutes. 300 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:46,240 So it's the highest ever in history landing and take-off that has ever been made. 301 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:52,360 I thought you couldn't breathe at... I went sky-diving once and it was at 17,500 feet. 302 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:57,880 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: They said that's the highest you can sky-dive without oxygen. 303 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,960 This was in Lancashire, which was rather odd. 304 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:06,080 - How many people who attempt it die, would you say? - Quite a lot. 305 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:11,480 A lot of people don't even go halfway because of the altitude sickness. 306 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:16,480 - What is this condition? - Heart failure? - It's a cerebral oedema or a pulmonary oedema. 307 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,320 Fluid build-up in the brain or the lungs. 308 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:25,560 So you start to get a headache at about 14,000 feet or something and apparently there are signs 309 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:30,280 saying, "If you're getting a headache...go back." 310 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,160 "Tiredness kills. Take a break." 311 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:37,600 LAUGHTER "Feeling woozy? Pull in for a coffee." 312 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,440 "Moto - two miles." 313 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,600 "M&S Simply Food - 12 miles." LAUGHTER 314 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,200 We'll keep going to the M&S! 315 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,800 It's so much better there. 316 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:58,040 There is the Dead Zone, which has a lot of bodies in it and a lot of equipment. 317 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:04,920 - Some Nepalese and Sherpas are planning to get rid of the litter. - They're going to get a skip. - Yes. 318 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:09,160 There will be a lot of dead bodies. Brian Blessed is a lover of animals. 319 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:13,160 He has over 2,000 animals at his house in Surrey, apparently. 320 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:18,120 - In his house?! - His house and gardens. He has a lot in his house as well. 321 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:21,480 - No wonder he shouts! Thousands? - 2,000. 322 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:25,000 - What species? - All kinds. - Wasps, llamas. 323 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:30,400 - 2,000 creatures of various kinds. - But that seems a ridiculous number. 324 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:38,240 - Am I the only person to be staggered by two... - No. - I know someone with 12 dogs and I think that's incredible! 325 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:45,480 - He's a remarkable man. - If it was bees, you could understand, but eland or zebra... 326 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:51,840 All mixture of creatures. Some tiny-winy and lots of, some quite big and only a few. 327 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:56,680 He's also one of the few people to have boxed with the Dalai Lama. 328 00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,920 - You're making it up! - No, the Dalai Lama was keen on boxing 329 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:06,760 and they actually sparred together. Few people can say they've sparred with His Holiness. 330 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:11,480 - He is one of the most remarkable men. - I agree. One cow. 331 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:17,920 When he dies, he'll be able to look back on a much richer life than just about anybody else. 332 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:21,960 Extraordinary. Acted with the RSC, played Voltan in Flash Gordon! 333 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,000 - "Fly, my beauties!" - LAUGHTER 334 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,920 You can't ask for better than that, can you? 335 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:32,160 - Why did he box with the Dalai Lama? - He met him and they talked about boxing. 336 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:36,840 He was a boxing champion himself in the past, Blessed, in Yorkshire, where he comes form. 337 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:41,600 - The Dalai Lama is a passionate fan of boxing. - Not as prized as he should be, Brian Blessed. 338 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:46,600 - I agree, he's a remarkable figure. - He's not held up the way he should be. 339 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,800 He calls me spunk bubble. "Hello, spunk bubble! How are you?" 340 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,280 - LAUGHTER - Don't know why, but he does. 341 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:56,480 Maybe that's the reason why he's not prized! 342 00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:01,480 "If only I hadn't called Stephen Fry a spunk bubble!" 343 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:08,480 - Why does he call you... - We don't want to know! 344 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,280 - No explanation. - Did he do it without oxygen? 345 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:14,360 No-o-o! Enough, already! 346 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:18,400 Since the record-breaking flight of Didier Desalle in 2005, 347 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:22,520 the quickest way of getting to the top of Everest is by helicopter. 348 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:28,840 If you were on top of a mountain, how could you tell how high you were without electronic instrumentation? 349 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:33,720 I went up the Old Man of Coniston earlier this year. 350 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:38,680 I have to say he was very accommodating. 351 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,640 I think he enjoyed it. And at the top there 352 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:48,600 they've got a thing that tells you where you are. But that's not what you're getting at, Stephen. 353 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:52,240 You're thinking of somewhere fiendishly clever. 354 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:58,520 - Not really... - Can you? - You can if you have a spirit stove and a kettle. 355 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:05,520 - I have one here... - Is this to do with the temperature? - Not the temperature. - The boiling point? 356 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:10,320 The boiling point, yes. At sea level it is 100 degrees Celsius, 357 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,840 but every 1,000 feet up you go, 358 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:18,280 boiling happens at one centigrade lower. 359 00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,400 - Right. - Right? 360 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:25,800 Climb 1,000 feet and it's 99 degrees Celsius at which water boils. 361 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,520 By the time you get to, say, Mont Blanc, 362 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:35,840 it's about 84 degrees and by the time you get to Everest, it's 70 degrees it boils at. 363 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:41,000 You could never be completely accurate. Mountains must be sinking. 364 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:46,320 Actually, Everest is growing by a tiny amount every year. 365 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,440 - It's dead people... - LAUGHTER 366 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:54,440 That's basically what it is! That's a terrible thought. 367 00:27:54,440 --> 00:28:01,040 Conversely, if you tried to boil an egg down in the Mariana Trench, in the deepest part of the ocean... 368 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:05,280 - You couldn't get the fire to light. - There is that problem! 369 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:10,120 But it would be 584 degrees before water boiled. 370 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:17,160 So it would be far too hot. The higher you go, you could put your fingers in it and not get burned. 371 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:23,800 - Is it to do with air pressure? - Yes. - Such a British notion. "I wonder how tall it is. Let's make tea." 372 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:29,640 - This tea is cold. - We couldn't live in this trench! You can't make tea. 373 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:35,680 It's called hypsometry, the art of determining your height according to various metrics. 374 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:40,840 There are other ways, not on a mountain, to tell temperature. 375 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:45,720 - Animal ways, which are surprisingly precise. - Finger in your bum. 376 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,560 - Mm. Yeah. Mm. - LAUGHTER 377 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:51,800 - No? - Mm. 378 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:57,400 - I was thinking of the field cricket. - Of course, sorry. Field cricket in your bum. 379 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:02,400 - So...if you count the number of chirps... - Yes, you're right. 380 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:06,440 Below 13 degrees Celsius, it doesn't chirp at all. 381 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:12,080 At 13 exactly, it chirps at around 60 a minute, one a second. 382 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:18,720 - Yes(!) - And then the rate increases with temperature. So 140 a minute tells you it's 22.5 degrees Celsius. 383 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:26,160 - The quicker he's chirping, the hotter it is? - Yes. - Gosh. - And it's quite reliable. 22.5. 384 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:30,920 In hot countries, you're tossing at night, you can't get off. 385 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,520 LAUGHTER 386 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,640 No... No! No! 387 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:41,360 - I'm simply not having it. - It sounds like it. 388 00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:44,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 389 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:51,040 You can tell what the weather will be like with your coffee. 390 00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:57,080 If you get a cup of coffee, before you put the milk in, if the bubbles go into the middle... 391 00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:01,520 Let me get this right. ..it's going to be low pressure. 392 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:07,440 - So you can tell if it'll be a nice day or not. Or look out the window. - LAUGHTER 393 00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:13,920 - Bubbles in your coffee. - The simplest way to calculate the height of your mountain is to boil a kettle. 394 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:18,400 More record-breaking international cooperation, this time at the bottom of the sea. 395 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,440 An Englishman and a Frenchman were drilling a tunnel under the Channel. 396 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:24,520 Who made sure they met in the middle? 397 00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:28,120 - Were they really dressed like that? - LAUGHTER 398 00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:32,800 The Frenchman is called Philippe Cozette and the Englishman is called Graham Fagg. 399 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:36,200 - LAUGHTER - Er, and... 400 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:40,520 they did meet in the middle. They were just 300-odd millimetres out. 401 00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:44,040 It was extraordinary how accurate it was. But what would they use? 402 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:48,240 - Sonar, I would imagine. - Not sonar. - Shouting? - Not shouting, no! 403 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,920 - LAUGHTER - "Hello? Are you there?" 404 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:55,000 "We are here!" 405 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:59,200 "Oh, we've gone past you! We're coming back." 406 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,960 Then they would just say it's two tunnels, 407 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:06,240 - one's the exit tunnel. - "We'll keep going!" 408 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:10,920 - Have you read Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks? - Indeed, yes. - All about tunnelling. - The saps. 409 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:17,520 It's a brilliant book. They would tunnel underneath the enemy trenches 410 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:21,760 and plant explosives. But the other side were doing the same thing, 411 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:25,200 so they would be... It's a brilliant novel. They're in the tunnel 412 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:29,480 and everyone has to be completely quiet, and they can hear the Germans tunnelling. 413 00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:34,440 Are they going to let their bomb off, are we going to let our bomb off? 414 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,160 See how quiet it's gone? That's how good the book is! 415 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:41,280 - I'm not going to tell you what happens, but it's really good. - It is. 416 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:45,840 - Was it a Scot, the engineer? - It wasn't. - Come on! - You'd think it would be. 417 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:49,240 Is that Superman up the top there? 418 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:52,480 - LAUGHTER - It is Superman! 419 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:55,000 What's going on?! 420 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:58,800 They told him to wear high visibility clothing, and he did! 421 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,480 Came straight from the party the night before. 422 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:04,920 - Obviously it was some celebration there. - That machine they use, 423 00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:08,480 they had it at the side of the motorway for ages afterwards. 424 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:11,920 They had a large sign on it that said, "One careful owner". 425 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:17,280 The French, rather sweetly, gave them names. Brigitte, Europa, Catherine, Virginie, 426 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:23,400 Pascaline and Severine, and after the tunnel, they dismantled them, rebuilt them and kept them. 427 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:28,880 The British didn't give them names. They made the machines burrow themselves into the ground, 428 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:34,400 - where they just left them. - Aww! That says it all, doesn't it? - I'm ashamed. 429 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:40,000 - I'm faintly ashamed. - So who did get them to meet in the middle? - A German invented a machine to do it. 430 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,640 And the machine is called a gyrotheodolite. 431 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:48,480 You can't know where you are underground, you can't use a compass because of the magnetic ore. 432 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:53,680 - Or GPS. - Or GPS, because you haven't got line of sight with the... - "Turn left." 433 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,720 - LAUGHTER - Yeah, so... 434 00:32:55,720 --> 00:33:03,280 - the use is, being a gyrotheodolite... - "Do U-turn where possible." - "PLEASE do U-turn." 435 00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:07,720 - "You are under the sea." - But what would a gyrotheodolite use 436 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:11,880 to find out where you are, or where north is? "Gyro" means...? 437 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,320 - Revolving. - Revolving, it's the rotation of the Earth. 438 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:20,600 - Ah! - So it can work out where north is. - Why not just ask Superman? 439 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,400 Ask Superman, who has a little place at the North Pole. 440 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:27,520 I love how Superman's got a hard hat. "Come on, you're the man of steel!" 441 00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:31,640 So it was a German invention. His name was Max Schuler. 442 00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:35,320 So the French had one of these machines and the British had one? 443 00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:39,640 They didn't meet halfway, however. Who had got furthest, the French or the English? 444 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,320 - Oh, the English, surely! - We got furthest. 445 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:45,480 It was the French, cos the English were wandering about, 446 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,640 disposing of the earth out of the bottom of their trousers. 447 00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:51,600 Making sure nobody could see. 448 00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:55,520 "We've just passed the guy vaulting the horse, we'll be fine, come on." 449 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:58,480 We got further? 450 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:02,520 Yes, but not because the French were lazy and workshy. 451 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:06,400 They were talking to their machines. "My beautiful machine!" 452 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,920 They had geological difficulties their end. 453 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:13,240 IN FRENCH ACCENT: "We are experiencing geological difficulties, mon petit cher, 454 00:34:13,240 --> 00:34:14,960 "but soon, it will all be good." 455 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:16,920 They're giving them names! 456 00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:18,960 "Let the English do the work!" 457 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:24,480 It reminded me of the German who made a gyroscopic theodolite. 458 00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:25,520 Yes. 459 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:29,280 I've got to say, a brilliant invention, but not a huge market! 460 00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:33,760 That's unfortunately true. Not enough tunnels being built. 461 00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:36,720 IN GERMAN ACCENT: "We have sold two!" 462 00:34:36,720 --> 00:34:38,680 LAUGHTER 463 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:41,400 "All gone very well! 464 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:45,560 "We were hoping for sales of one, but we're selling two!" 465 00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,760 There was a man called Colonel Barog, 466 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:54,600 who could have used it when they were doing a tunnel for the railway there, 467 00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:58,880 and they missed, and he went home and shot himself. He was so ashamed. 468 00:34:58,880 --> 00:34:59,920 Did he hit? 469 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:04,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 470 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:10,520 The ends of the Channel Tunnel met in the middle 471 00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:13,720 thanks to a clever German invention called a gyro-theodolite. 472 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:21,240 Now the time has come to abandon the uplands of knowledge and plunge into the abyss of general ignorance. 473 00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:26,240 Name a country where English is the official language. 474 00:35:26,240 --> 00:35:28,080 LAUGHTER 475 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,520 Go on, my children. 476 00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:35,800 - Yes? - Wales. 477 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:39,760 Yes! It's the right answer. Very good. 478 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:42,880 - APPLAUSE - Any others? 479 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:44,880 Scotland! 480 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:48,400 - Eng...England. - England? 481 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,880 HOOTER BLARES 482 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,320 I'm afraid not. 483 00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:58,200 - India? - Yes, I think it is an official language. 484 00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:00,560 Absolutely right. Very good. 485 00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,880 - Yeah? - France. LAUGHTER 486 00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:10,320 - No, darling. No, it isn't. - You know when you're thinking, "It sounds crazy, but... 487 00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:16,080 - "Go on, be brave. Leap into the abyss." - Odd use of the word "thinking". 488 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,080 LAUGHTER 489 00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:24,160 - So we haven't got an official language, obviously. - The point is that it has never arisen here. 490 00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:30,200 An official language is defined as one which, in statute, is enshrined in the legal system 491 00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:35,080 as a language that can be used in documentation. So it's never arisen. 492 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:41,120 In America, nor has it arisen. Theodore Roosevelt said everybody should learn English, 493 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:45,080 but if it's suggested as an official language, Hispanics complain. 494 00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:48,520 Maybe just make them both official languages. 495 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:53,000 In Canada it's an official language because French is there. 496 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:58,320 - Australia? - No. Not in Australia. - So what's the deal with the map? 497 00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:04,480 - To show English-speaking countries and lure you into our web. - Yes, it worked. - It did, I'm afraid. 498 00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:09,320 Many countries have English as the official language, but not England. 499 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:12,240 Where do modern Huns live? 500 00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:13,880 Hungerford. 501 00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:17,360 - Huntington. - Huntington! 502 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:21,680 - Germany. - Germany? - HOOTER BLARES 503 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:29,200 - Any offers? Come on. - I can't think where they might be. 504 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:35,560 - Why do we associate them with Germany? - The Hun! - But why Germans? - The Huns are an ancient... 505 00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:39,600 But it was only ever applied to the Germans in 1910. 506 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:44,600 - It was all the Kaiser's fault. - Much was. - He made a speech in 1910 507 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:50,840 - when he was sending German troops off to China. - Look at that outfit! I love those. Look at them. - I know. 508 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:54,920 - You'd get up. "Oh, God, I'm stuck!" - LAUGHTER 509 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:59,560 He was sending troops off to China to fight in the Boxer Wars 510 00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:04,360 and he said, "Take no prisoners, we will sweep down on them like the Hun." 511 00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:10,800 - He was merely comparing himself to Attila the Hun. The Huns didn't come from Germany. - Mongolia? 512 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:17,320 They came from the East, certainly. They weren't a people. They were an army you could join. 513 00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:25,000 - Attila was the most famous. - Did you ever in your time at Dundee drink in the Speedwell Tavern? 514 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:29,040 - Yes. - In the '70s, when I was a student there, 515 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:34,480 it was owned by a chap called Ian Thompson, who had a German wife called Connie, 516 00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:41,840 - who used to stand at the cash register and her nickname was the Hun at the Till. - Oh, very good! 517 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,800 - Very good. - APPLAUSE 518 00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:55,840 So the answer is that the Huns were an army, not a tribe and no modern country is descended from them. 519 00:38:55,840 --> 00:39:00,480 - What do you suffer from if you are afraid of heights? - Vertigo. 520 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:03,280 HOOTER BLARES 521 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:08,360 It's all Alfred Hitchcock's fault. Vertigo is not a fear of heights. 522 00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:14,160 It's a condition of dizziness. People who are afraid of heights can get vertigo, 523 00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:21,160 - but most of them have a particular phobia. - Heightophobia. - Yes... Usually we use Greek, don't we? 524 00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:23,560 - Not me. - LAUGHTER 525 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:30,640 - So there's a high city in Greece. Acropol, as in Acropolis. - Acropolis. 526 00:39:30,640 --> 00:39:35,200 And an acrobat flies high. So it's acrophobia. 527 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:38,880 - As opposed to agro. - As opposed to agoraphobia. 528 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:43,760 - The guy's gone a bit far to take a photo of his shoes. - Yes! 529 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:48,320 You remember the movie Vertigo with James Stewart and Kim Novak. 530 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:57,360 The story is that James Stewart smuggled the Yeti's hand out of India 531 00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:01,200 and took it to the United States. James Stewart and his wife, Gloria. 532 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:05,120 They thought they'll never check his luggage. He put it in her underwear. 533 00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:08,680 - It was transported out of India. - Good Lord. 534 00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:13,440 - A strange connection between Vertigo and the Yeti. - It's a very good one. 535 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:17,000 - To weave and link. - Quite interesting. - Indeed. 536 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:25,160 Lots of people say they're scared of heights, but I don't think they are. Everyone is, to a degree. 537 00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:30,080 - Is it to do with perspective...? - It's a pretty straightforward, logical evolutionary defence 538 00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:36,520 - against this not being a safe place to be. - Like in I'm A Celebrity when they don't like the rope bridge. 539 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:41,760 - That's the perfect example. - Well done. 540 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,680 LAUGHTER 541 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:51,120 Fear of heights is acrophobia. Vertigo is a spinning or whirling experienced when stationary. 542 00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:54,880 Which point on Earth is furthest from the centre? 543 00:40:54,880 --> 00:41:01,800 - The centre of the Earth. Which point is furthest from it? - The top of Mount Everest. 544 00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:04,440 - HOOTER BLARES - Sadly not. 545 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:07,840 - You'd think it would be. - Yes. Very much so. 546 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:12,880 It being the highest point on Earth so furthest from its centre. 547 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:18,280 - The South Pole? - The Earth isn't round. It's a funny shape. - Yes! - Trick question! 548 00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:23,880 It's flattened at the poles so the South Pole is nearer to the centre. 549 00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:27,640 It bulges at the Equator. That's the point. 550 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:34,080 - Somewhere in Japan? - No, not Japan. In South America. The Andes. - The Andes. At the end of your armies. 551 00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:37,040 - Annapurna? - Not Annapurna. 552 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:40,200 - Chimborazo. - Of course! 553 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:46,640 - Chimborazo, at the time, people thought was the highest on Earth. 20,500 feet. - High enough for me. 554 00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:51,120 Oh, yes. Very, very high. Because it's so close to the Equator, 555 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:55,200 it's on the bulge part. It's only a degree off the exact Equator. 556 00:41:55,200 --> 00:42:02,480 So it ends up being 1.3 miles further from the centre of the Earth than Everest. 557 00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:06,280 - And snow on the Equator. That's quite unusual. - Yeah. 558 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:11,640 Do you know how you should say Everest? Because it's named after... 559 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:14,640 - Everest Double Glazing. - No. 560 00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:18,160 The boot may be on the other foot there. 561 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:25,800 It was named after George of that name, Surveyor General in India, but he pronounced it Ee-verest. 562 00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:30,160 - Eeverest? - It should be Mount Eeverest. - I like that. 563 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:34,720 Look! The tea is not boiling on Mount Eeverest. 564 00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:39,160 Which brings us to the high point of our evening - the scores. 565 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:45,200 Suffering altitude sickness, in first place is Fred MacAulay with eight points! 566 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:47,040 APPLAUSE 567 00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:53,280 Fred is closely followed by the high-flying six-pointer, Sandi Toksvig! 568 00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,840 APPLAUSE 569 00:42:55,840 --> 00:43:01,880 In third place, we have with one point the mildly adventurous Rob Brydon! 570 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:04,760 That's good for me! 571 00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:11,200 Lurking down in a Mariana Trench of his own making with -39 is Alan Davies! 572 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:12,320 Wow! 573 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:21,800 It only remains for me to thank Sandi, Rob, Fred and Alan 574 00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:26,240 and to leave you with this timely proverb about ambition. 575 00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:32,080 The higher a monkey climbs, the more you can see of its bottom. Good night. 576 00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:48,000 Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2010 577 00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,600 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net