1 00:00:22,910 --> 00:00:26,390 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,870 --> 00:00:35,790 Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. 3 00:00:35,790 --> 00:00:39,150 God rest ye, merry ladies and gentlemen, 4 00:00:39,150 --> 00:00:41,430 and welcome to QI's Christmas party. 5 00:00:41,430 --> 00:00:44,270 To celebrate this most magical time of the year, 6 00:00:44,270 --> 00:00:49,030 we've conjured up a show absolutely heaving with hocus-pocus. 7 00:00:49,030 --> 00:00:53,550 Waving their fairy wands tonight are the bewitching 8 00:00:53,550 --> 00:00:54,670 Graham Norton. 9 00:00:54,670 --> 00:00:57,710 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:00,990 --> 00:01:02,830 The mysterious Lee Mack. 11 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:05,870 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:12,390 The wizardly Daniel Radcliffe! 13 00:01:12,390 --> 00:01:15,430 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:18,270 --> 00:01:22,270 And of course, my glamorous assistant, Alan Davies. 15 00:01:22,270 --> 00:01:25,150 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:29,230 --> 00:01:32,510 So, release your incantations, gentlemen. 17 00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:33,550 Graham goes... 18 00:01:33,550 --> 00:01:35,630 'Hey presto!' 19 00:01:35,630 --> 00:01:38,190 Very nice. Lee goes... 20 00:01:38,190 --> 00:01:40,950 'Abracadabra!' 21 00:01:40,950 --> 00:01:42,430 Daniel goes... 22 00:01:42,430 --> 00:01:44,110 'Expelliarmus.' 23 00:01:44,110 --> 00:01:45,390 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:45,390 --> 00:01:46,550 And Alan goes... 25 00:01:46,550 --> 00:01:49,190 - CHILD'S VOICE: - 'Please!' - LAUGHTER 26 00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:52,350 That was the magic word, wasn't it? 27 00:01:52,350 --> 00:01:57,510 So, izzy wizzy, let's get busy with our first question. What is the oldest trick in the book? 28 00:01:57,510 --> 00:02:00,510 - LEE: Can we take these off now? - You can, if you're hot. 29 00:02:00,510 --> 00:02:03,670 Otherwise, I'll have a sudden desire to sort out my pension. 30 00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:06,790 So, what is the oldest trick in the book? 31 00:02:06,790 --> 00:02:09,310 'Abracadabra!' 32 00:02:09,310 --> 00:02:10,830 Debbie McGee. 33 00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:12,430 GROANING 34 00:02:12,430 --> 00:02:15,430 Shame on you, Lee Mack! 35 00:02:18,710 --> 00:02:20,470 It's Christmas as well, isn't it? 36 00:02:20,470 --> 00:02:23,750 - It is, yeah. Was that charitable? - Not really, I take that back. 37 00:02:23,750 --> 00:02:27,550 - OK. - Is it an ancient Greek book? - Even older. 38 00:02:27,550 --> 00:02:28,870 Ooh - Egyptian? > 39 00:02:28,870 --> 00:02:32,230 - Egyptian is right. - I think I might... - You might know this?! 40 00:02:32,230 --> 00:02:33,950 Is it about a man called Dedi? 41 00:02:33,950 --> 00:02:36,710 Dedi. How do you know about Dedi? You're right. 42 00:02:36,710 --> 00:02:41,230 He was a man who did the first magic trick, which was, I think, 43 00:02:41,230 --> 00:02:44,590 - the decapitation of a goose. - You're right. 44 00:02:44,590 --> 00:02:48,110 And...tore it off and did it to impress the king, 45 00:02:48,110 --> 00:02:50,750 and it's in an ancient scroll. 46 00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:53,430 - It is! - Which I do know the name of, I think I do. 47 00:02:53,430 --> 00:02:55,750 - Go on. - The Westcar Papyrus? 48 00:02:55,750 --> 00:02:58,230 The Westcar Papyrus. This man is brilliant. 49 00:02:58,230 --> 00:03:01,670 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - How incredible! 50 00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:08,110 I mean, I should say I have had... 51 00:03:08,110 --> 00:03:10,030 Yes, there is a certain amount of... 52 00:03:10,030 --> 00:03:12,550 - They teach this at Hogwarts? - Absolutely. 53 00:03:12,550 --> 00:03:16,150 - I don't want you to think... - This is going to be a very short show! 54 00:03:16,150 --> 00:03:20,990 Next question! I'm not about the jokes. It's all about points for me. 55 00:03:20,990 --> 00:03:22,790 - All about points. - I'm here to win. 56 00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:26,590 I like that when you got cast as Harry Potter, they give you a crash course 57 00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:31,390 in as much wizardry as they possibly can, then you just topped it off with a bit of acting. 58 00:03:31,390 --> 00:03:33,310 That's pretty much it. 59 00:03:33,310 --> 00:03:36,470 What part of pulling a goose's head off is a trick? 60 00:03:36,470 --> 00:03:40,990 - Yes! And then restored it. - That's the point. That's the point. 61 00:03:40,990 --> 00:03:43,790 Oh, the old "two geese in my bag" trick? 62 00:03:45,670 --> 00:03:46,950 It was very... 63 00:03:46,950 --> 00:03:48,750 Do you do geese every week? 64 00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:53,310 - He did it for King Cheops in 2,600 BC. - Cheops, of course(!) 65 00:03:53,310 --> 00:03:55,630 The Great Pyramid of Giza was the Cheops. 66 00:03:55,630 --> 00:03:58,950 I can imagine King Cheops going, "Seen it." 67 00:03:58,950 --> 00:04:01,990 He did a goose, a duck, then he moved on to an ox, 68 00:04:01,990 --> 00:04:05,510 and he would wrench their heads off and then they would be restored. 69 00:04:05,510 --> 00:04:09,390 You may say, "I want to see this trick, if it existed." That's the point, 70 00:04:09,390 --> 00:04:13,590 because it is the oldest trick in the book, it's recorded then, all that time ago, 71 00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:15,190 nearly 5,000 years ago, 72 00:04:15,190 --> 00:04:17,950 but it's still done today. And do you know what? 73 00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:21,950 We have a magician who's going to come on and show you that trick. 74 00:04:21,950 --> 00:04:23,270 All right? 75 00:04:23,270 --> 00:04:27,950 So... But first - ladies and gentlemen, it's Christmas time - we have to summon him. 76 00:04:27,950 --> 00:04:32,670 His name is Scott, so let's say, "Accio Scott," all right? 77 00:04:32,670 --> 00:04:36,790 It was all so mystical until then. "His name is...Scott!" 78 00:04:38,270 --> 00:04:41,910 It's Scott Penrose. He's the vice president of the Magic Circle. 79 00:04:41,910 --> 00:04:48,270 - So, after three, two, one, we go, "Accio Scott." Three, two, one... - ALL: Accio Scott! 80 00:04:50,830 --> 00:04:51,870 - Whoa! - Oh, my God! 81 00:04:52,830 --> 00:04:55,670 He wasn't there and then he was there. What happened?! 82 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,550 It's magic, Lee, isn't it wonderful? Scott, welcome. 83 00:04:58,550 --> 00:05:04,830 - Lovely to see you, sir. - So, I believe you can do the Dedi trick that Dan told us about? - Indeed. 84 00:05:04,830 --> 00:05:08,510 - Would you like to do it, please, with...? - I'll give it a go with Norman. 85 00:05:08,510 --> 00:05:10,150 Just give it a bit of a pull... 86 00:05:10,150 --> 00:05:11,350 LEE: No, no, no! Argh! 87 00:05:11,350 --> 00:05:14,710 There we go, just pop his head back on. 88 00:05:14,710 --> 00:05:16,830 - There he goes. - Brilliant. 89 00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:24,950 Fabulous. The sensational Scott Penrose, ladies and gentlemen. 90 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,910 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 91 00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:29,990 There you are. 92 00:05:31,350 --> 00:05:33,710 The oldest trick in the book. 93 00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:35,990 The other thing, I think, about that trick, 94 00:05:35,990 --> 00:05:40,230 is that it's the first time a trick was done that was purely a trick 95 00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:44,630 and that wasn't done as, you know, some supernatural powers involved. 96 00:05:44,630 --> 00:05:47,630 That was the first thing that was written down as a trick. 97 00:05:48,710 --> 00:05:49,990 I can do the first half of it. 98 00:05:49,990 --> 00:05:51,470 LAUGHTER 99 00:05:51,470 --> 00:05:55,710 - It's really tricky, the second half. I practise, I practise, but... - Just won't go back on? 100 00:05:55,710 --> 00:06:00,790 Won't go back on at all. There's blood everywhere and my wife's screaming. Children are running out 101 00:06:00,790 --> 00:06:05,030 - the house, "Where's our budgie?" It's horrible. - But was it a trick? So... But... 102 00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:08,230 That was really the very first trick ever? 103 00:06:08,230 --> 00:06:10,510 That we know of. It's written down. 104 00:06:10,510 --> 00:06:13,990 Surely someone did "Pull my finger" before that?! 105 00:06:13,990 --> 00:06:19,070 Maybe. The oldest trick in the book involved pulling the heads off Egyptian animals. 106 00:06:19,070 --> 00:06:23,230 So, what might go wrong if you tried to catch a bullet in your teeth? 107 00:06:23,230 --> 00:06:26,670 I say! Is that you, Lee? 108 00:06:26,670 --> 00:06:28,710 That's a good-looking lad, whoever that is. 109 00:06:28,710 --> 00:06:32,310 - 'Abracadabra!' - Is the danger that you will end up 110 00:06:32,310 --> 00:06:35,550 turning into one of Britain's top light entertainers? 111 00:06:38,270 --> 00:06:39,350 So charming. 112 00:06:39,350 --> 00:06:41,670 Something about your teeth getting knocked out? 113 00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:44,550 Well, there is that danger, I would imagine. How does it work? 114 00:06:44,550 --> 00:06:46,990 Do you think someone fires a gun into your face? 115 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,430 No, but if you don't open your mouth properly, 116 00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:52,910 then the bullet would break your teeth from the other side? 117 00:06:52,910 --> 00:06:55,070 It's secreted in the mouth, in some fashion. 118 00:06:55,070 --> 00:06:58,430 There are other dangers and there have been disasters. 119 00:06:58,430 --> 00:07:01,910 In 1869, Dr Epstein, who was a magician, 120 00:07:01,910 --> 00:07:06,310 he used to tamp the gun down with his wand in this magical fashion, 121 00:07:06,310 --> 00:07:09,550 and he left a tiny bit of wand in. So he had the bullet in his mouth 122 00:07:09,550 --> 00:07:11,550 and when his assistant fired the gun, 123 00:07:11,550 --> 00:07:13,670 a bit of the wand went out and killed him. 124 00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:17,510 - So that can happen. - It must have been amazing being in the audience. 125 00:07:17,510 --> 00:07:23,390 "God, this is good! What's going to happen now?! There's blood spurting from the back of his neck." 126 00:07:23,390 --> 00:07:28,030 There was a man called Raoul Curran, in 1880, made the mistake of doing the trick in the Wild West. 127 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:32,590 A drunk fellow said, "If you can stop a bullet, stop this one"... 128 00:07:32,590 --> 00:07:34,470 and just shot him in the head... 129 00:07:35,510 --> 00:07:38,670 ..right in the forehead, and killed him - stone dead. 130 00:07:38,670 --> 00:07:41,430 - Sort of serves him right, though. - Yeah, it's a heck of a heckle. 131 00:07:41,430 --> 00:07:43,070 It's a rubbish trick, isn't it? 132 00:07:43,070 --> 00:07:46,350 Everyone who watches it must go, "Bullet was in his mouth." 133 00:07:46,350 --> 00:07:49,830 - Well... - There's not one bit where you go, "I wonder if he caught the bullet?" 134 00:07:49,830 --> 00:07:55,550 - There are some amazing ones, though, like Penn and Teller do a really... - Yes. - It's frightening. 135 00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:58,230 They get the bullet from the audience and, I know it's a trick, but... 136 00:07:58,230 --> 00:08:01,910 You are right. And Penn and Teller are amongst the best. 137 00:08:01,910 --> 00:08:04,510 There was a bloke who disembowelled himself. 138 00:08:04,510 --> 00:08:10,870 Quite early on, in days of conjuring tricks, they were all fairly gruesome things, like beheading. 139 00:08:10,870 --> 00:08:15,310 The way it would work was you would have, kind of, a sheep's intestines 140 00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:21,510 and a prosthetic chest and stomach. And then behind all of that, you'd put a metal plate 141 00:08:21,510 --> 00:08:26,550 - and the guy did it one night and he forgot to put the metal plate on. - Oh! 142 00:08:26,550 --> 00:08:31,510 So he ended up going straight through himself and then dying. So, not funny, but true. 143 00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:36,670 - Well, that's important. - He'll never make that mistake again. 144 00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:40,870 No, he won't. There was a Chinese performer called Chung Ling So - 145 00:08:40,870 --> 00:08:45,430 he wasn't Chinese, his real name was Robinson, William Robinson - 146 00:08:45,430 --> 00:08:48,150 but he performed under Chung Ling Soo and only spoke 147 00:08:48,150 --> 00:08:51,390 a sort of cod Chinese, never spoke English on stage, ever - 148 00:08:51,390 --> 00:08:56,950 until a terrible moment, when he did the trick with the bullet. 149 00:08:56,950 --> 00:09:01,590 The bullet, or fragment, went into him and killed him, and he spoke English. 150 00:09:01,590 --> 00:09:06,870 He said, "Oh, God, something's gone wrong. Close the curtains." Those were his last lines. 151 00:09:06,870 --> 00:09:12,550 Do you reckon there's a real magician called Chung Ling Soo in China that goes under the name of Bob Robinson? 152 00:09:12,550 --> 00:09:14,430 And he'll only speak cod English! 153 00:09:14,430 --> 00:09:20,630 LANCASHIRE ACCENT: Pick a card, any card you like. Pick a card. 154 00:09:20,630 --> 00:09:22,470 HE PRETENDS TO SPEAK IN CHINESE 155 00:09:22,470 --> 00:09:23,510 Oooh! 156 00:09:23,510 --> 00:09:27,270 - That's when it went wrong, yeah? - Exactly. I've got you. 157 00:09:27,270 --> 00:09:30,310 If you are tempted to catch a bullet in your teeth, don't. 158 00:09:30,310 --> 00:09:33,830 You should, in fact, just probably disappear as fast as possible. 159 00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:39,830 First, describe the Great Lafayette's last and greatest disappearing act. 160 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:44,270 - There is the Great Lafayette. You've probably not heard of him. - No. 161 00:09:44,270 --> 00:09:48,430 Even though he was the most successful entertainer in Britain. 162 00:09:48,430 --> 00:09:52,910 Did he make his giant horse disappear? 163 00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:56,750 - Turn it into a dog? - A lazy dog. - Is that a motor vehicle or...? 164 00:09:56,750 --> 00:09:58,910 It's an early motor vehicle, yes. 165 00:09:58,910 --> 00:10:02,470 He was sold out ten years in advance, that's how successful he was. 166 00:10:02,470 --> 00:10:05,070 He earned £44,000 a year, which is the equivalent 167 00:10:05,070 --> 00:10:09,550 of about two-and-three-quarter million pounds a year. He was hugely successful. 168 00:10:09,550 --> 00:10:13,950 Incredibly famous. He was kind of the Liberace of his day. He wore diamonds, 169 00:10:13,950 --> 00:10:17,590 and that dog you see was given to him by Houdini and was called Beauty. 170 00:10:17,590 --> 00:10:21,150 He had a private railway carriage and so did Beauty, 171 00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:25,750 and Beauty had a little porcelain bath and his own china and crystal. 172 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,950 Yeah, a bit camp, I agree. 173 00:10:27,950 --> 00:10:31,070 Then Beauty died, not surprisingly, from being overfed, 174 00:10:31,070 --> 00:10:36,030 and he insisted that he was embalmed and buried and they said at the cemetery, 175 00:10:36,030 --> 00:10:41,630 "Well, only if you promise to be buried there as well." It's a human cemetery not a pet one. 176 00:10:41,630 --> 00:10:44,310 So he said yes. And four days later he did die. 177 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:49,350 A lamp got upturned and the stage caught on fire - the audience thought it was part of the trick. 178 00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:52,390 By the time they realised, 11 people had burnt to death. 179 00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:56,910 Including... This, incidentally, is NOT funny, 180 00:10:56,910 --> 00:10:59,150 a midget in a mechanical bear suit. 181 00:10:59,150 --> 00:11:01,030 LAUGHTER 182 00:11:01,030 --> 00:11:04,030 I'm sure I prefaced that with, "It isn't funny." 183 00:11:05,230 --> 00:11:08,910 - What's wrong with you people? You're sick! - They are sick. 184 00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:12,270 Anyway, they found his body, cremated it, 185 00:11:12,270 --> 00:11:15,190 the bits that weren't already cremated, obviously. 186 00:11:15,190 --> 00:11:19,670 They pulled the theatre down where this had happened and they found another body. 187 00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:24,550 They realised from the diamonds on the ring that that was in fact the Great Lafayette. 188 00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:29,950 - They buried the wrong man? - Yeah. So he'd been burnt and buried and he'd been magically restored 189 00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,830 as another dead body. 190 00:11:31,830 --> 00:11:33,670 - That's very, very good. - It is good! 191 00:11:33,670 --> 00:11:37,070 - It's a good trick. - Very good. - What did they do? Did they...? 192 00:11:37,070 --> 00:11:41,150 - They had to get rid of the old one... - It's Beauty I feel sorry for. - Yeah, I know. 193 00:11:41,150 --> 00:11:43,750 In the afterlife going, "Who are you?!" 194 00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:48,590 Anyway, yes, you can go to Piershill Cemetery to this day and you can see the Great Lafayette, 195 00:11:48,590 --> 00:11:52,670 who was - now sadly forgotten - but in his day, the most popular performer. 196 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:56,550 I'm more saddened about the poor other guy. What happened to him? 197 00:11:56,550 --> 00:12:01,110 The reason is, part of his magic thing was he would appear and disappear very quickly, 198 00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:04,430 cos he had a lot of stand-ins, doubles who were exactly like him. 199 00:12:04,430 --> 00:12:08,030 He would go off stage and then suddenly still be on stage. 200 00:12:08,030 --> 00:12:12,110 It's cos his stand-in in the same costume had gone on. He was very good at that, 201 00:12:12,110 --> 00:12:15,550 which is why one of the stand-ins had been buried instead I suppose. 202 00:12:15,550 --> 00:12:20,230 So the Great Lafayette's final trick was to turn up intact three days after being cremated. 203 00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:23,990 Now, from testing spells - you'll like this - to spelling tests. 204 00:12:23,990 --> 00:12:25,910 ALL GROAN 205 00:12:25,910 --> 00:12:30,030 - Yes. "I before E..." Fingers on buzzers. "..except after...?" - 'Please!' 206 00:12:30,030 --> 00:12:31,910 - C. - Oh! 207 00:12:31,910 --> 00:12:34,350 KLAXON SOUNDS 208 00:12:34,350 --> 00:12:37,710 No, that just isn't a rule, and why isn't it a rule? 209 00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:39,110 Because of... 210 00:12:39,110 --> 00:12:41,750 Because of words where... - Where it's not! 211 00:12:41,750 --> 00:12:47,750 - E comes before I after C. - There are more exceptions to the rule than the rule itself, by quite a long way. 212 00:12:47,750 --> 00:12:51,550 - Who's counted that? - "Ceiling"! - They've been counted. - "Ceiling". 213 00:12:51,550 --> 00:12:55,510 There are 923 English words 214 00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:58,790 that have a C-I-E in them... 215 00:12:58,790 --> 00:13:01,270 - Do we have to name them all? - No. You're let off. 216 00:13:01,270 --> 00:13:02,310 Name some. 217 00:13:02,310 --> 00:13:04,830 - "Ceiling". - No, that's C-E-I. 218 00:13:04,830 --> 00:13:07,750 LAUGHTER 219 00:13:09,270 --> 00:13:13,350 - C-E-I, that's what you said! - No. No, the supposed rule is... 220 00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:15,270 - ALAN: - "I before E, except after C." 221 00:13:15,270 --> 00:13:20,430 - But I'm saying, in fact, there are 923 which break that rule. - "Receive", "receipt"... 222 00:13:20,430 --> 00:13:22,670 So if it's, "I before E except after C," 223 00:13:22,670 --> 00:13:25,990 - we're looking for words where E follows C, aren't we? - No. 224 00:13:25,990 --> 00:13:31,150 No, the rule is it should be C-E-I, according to that. 225 00:13:31,150 --> 00:13:33,030 Oh, you're saying it's wrong. 226 00:13:33,030 --> 00:13:38,550 - There are 923... - I know one which it isn't. "Ceiling", that's not one. 227 00:13:38,550 --> 00:13:40,350 - "Ceiling" isn't one. - No! 228 00:13:40,350 --> 00:13:45,350 - "Ceiling" isn't one of the ones you're looking for. - Yes. I want the ones I am looking for. 229 00:13:45,350 --> 00:13:50,350 - Not "ceiling". - Lee, I'm looking for the ones I'm looking for, so give me a C-I-E. 230 00:13:50,350 --> 00:13:51,830 "Ceiling"? 231 00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:54,590 Oh, God. I may explode at any minute. 232 00:13:54,590 --> 00:13:56,430 C-I-E, um... 233 00:13:56,430 --> 00:13:59,870 - "Receipt"... - Those are the ones that conform to the rule. 234 00:13:59,870 --> 00:14:03,430 - OK, the rule is looking pretty good. - "Glacier". 235 00:14:03,430 --> 00:14:05,270 "Species". 236 00:14:05,270 --> 00:14:08,590 Yes, but now I know them and I didn't think I knew any. 237 00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:10,710 The point is, there are lots. 238 00:14:10,710 --> 00:14:14,230 These are ones with E-I, without the C in front, obviously, 239 00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:17,670 - as well as the C-I-E... - You don't even have to have a C now? 240 00:14:17,670 --> 00:14:21,430 No! They're E-I! Are you incapable of rational thought? 241 00:14:21,430 --> 00:14:23,710 LAUGHTER 242 00:14:23,710 --> 00:14:27,470 Are you...? You cannot be that stupid! You cannot be that... 243 00:14:27,470 --> 00:14:33,070 - Nobody... - Stephen, can I just say, you really are going to have to work on your Bruce Forsyth patter. 244 00:14:33,070 --> 00:14:38,750 - "Are you really capable of rational thought? I mean, really." - This is not The Generation Game. This is QI. 245 00:14:38,750 --> 00:14:42,190 - "Are you a human being? I don't think you are." - Work it out. 246 00:14:42,190 --> 00:14:46,750 These words don't count, they're not even English words - "hacienda" and "concierge". 247 00:14:46,750 --> 00:14:49,670 The point is, there are 21 times as many words 248 00:14:49,670 --> 00:14:54,430 - that break the rule than don't. - However, if you want to spell "ceiling"... 249 00:14:54,430 --> 00:14:58,070 - If you want to spell "ceiling"... - Or "receipt". - ..or "conceit" or "deceit". 250 00:14:58,070 --> 00:15:03,430 - I before E except after C. - Yeah, but if you want to spell "veil" and "weird"... 251 00:15:03,430 --> 00:15:05,350 Yeah, but there's no C in those. 252 00:15:05,350 --> 00:15:06,750 No. 253 00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:09,710 It's "I before E" - every time - "except after C" 254 00:15:09,710 --> 00:15:14,710 - but in "weir"... That's the point. - Oh, I see! - God! 255 00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:17,710 APPLAUSE 256 00:15:17,710 --> 00:15:19,230 You cannot be that stupid! 257 00:15:19,230 --> 00:15:21,630 He said it and you're looking at me! 258 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:24,710 How do I get the blame for his stupidity? 259 00:15:24,710 --> 00:15:26,350 I've got my own, thank you. 260 00:15:26,350 --> 00:15:28,670 Wow! 261 00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:33,030 - Daniel, you're the only person on this show who isn't a complete idiot. - No! 262 00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:37,150 - It's become clear. - I assure you, I am. That's why I'm keeping so quiet. 263 00:15:37,150 --> 00:15:39,230 - Anyway, "ceiling" begins with S(!) 264 00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:44,390 That's why I'm keeping quiet - I'm actually on Lee's wavelength, but I don't want to get a bollocking. 265 00:15:44,390 --> 00:15:48,110 - Oh, I'm sorry. - He's got I before E. Is that right? Oh, God. 266 00:15:48,110 --> 00:15:53,310 - Who? - Daniel. - That is how you spell my name. - How do you spell...? - Because it should be I before E! 267 00:15:53,310 --> 00:15:56,750 You can't... Can we count proper nouns? 268 00:15:56,750 --> 00:16:00,870 What about my surname, am I spelling that right? There's an I and an E in that. 269 00:16:00,870 --> 00:16:04,470 - It's I before E always. - Yeah, always. - According to the rule. 270 00:16:04,470 --> 00:16:06,830 - But the rule's wrong, Stephen. - It is. 271 00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:10,470 It's now officially no longer taught in schools because it is so clear. 272 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,670 - Really? Is it not at all? - It's not. 273 00:16:12,670 --> 00:16:17,110 So the rule now is, "It's I before E or sometimes it's E before I." 274 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,190 LAUGHTER 275 00:16:18,190 --> 00:16:22,830 - Mostly after a C, it's I-E. - If in doubt, look it up, you lazy git. 276 00:16:22,830 --> 00:16:26,310 "I before E, except for the following 923." 277 00:16:26,310 --> 00:16:31,350 - And then you reel them all off. - Thank God for spell-check. 278 00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:33,150 Number one, "ceiling"... 279 00:16:33,150 --> 00:16:36,550 LAUGHTER 280 00:16:36,550 --> 00:16:37,750 I am... 281 00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:39,590 Number two, "red ceiling". 282 00:16:39,590 --> 00:16:42,630 "Blue ceiling". Help me, lads, I'm running out of colours. 283 00:16:42,630 --> 00:16:47,790 I am slightly shocked by my intolerance, and you'll have to forgive me, 284 00:16:47,790 --> 00:16:50,670 but I think we've got it. The spelling trick "I before E" 285 00:16:50,670 --> 00:16:53,910 is wrong on so many occasions schools have stopped teaching it. 286 00:16:53,910 --> 00:16:57,390 That's enough lessons, it's play-time, you'll be pleased to know. 287 00:16:57,390 --> 00:17:01,710 - I'm very pleased! - Good. In which game is it the aim 288 00:17:01,710 --> 00:17:06,030 to throw a ball like this into a goal like this? 289 00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:07,070 Quidditch! 290 00:17:07,070 --> 00:17:08,710 Ah. 291 00:17:08,710 --> 00:17:12,110 - KLAXON - I thought it had to be cos he's here! 292 00:17:12,110 --> 00:17:17,950 - No, this is from a genuine, real-life world sport. - Aztecs. 293 00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:20,230 No, but... It is... 294 00:17:20,230 --> 00:17:21,550 Mexicans. 295 00:17:21,550 --> 00:17:24,470 Are we looking for a nationality or a game name? 296 00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:27,630 - It's a French game, and rather recent. 1970, it was invented. - Oh! 297 00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,590 It's very similar to Quidditch. 298 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:33,990 It has a goal almost identical to a Quidditch goal. In Quidditch, 299 00:17:33,990 --> 00:17:35,590 what do you travel on? 300 00:17:35,590 --> 00:17:38,030 - A broomstick. - A broomstick. This is... - But that is 301 00:17:38,030 --> 00:17:41,710 - special effects, though, isn't it? - Yeah. And very painful. - Painful? 302 00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:44,670 Can I just say, this is a bit unfair that my questions are, 303 00:17:44,670 --> 00:17:50,790 "What is I before E except after C?," and his questions are, "How do you fly around in Quidditch?" 304 00:17:50,790 --> 00:17:54,870 - No, that was just simply me asking him. - I'm not getting points for this! 305 00:17:54,870 --> 00:17:56,070 No, no, he's not. 306 00:17:56,070 --> 00:18:00,630 What's kind of odd is that, if you catch the Snitch, which is the ball in the films, 307 00:18:00,630 --> 00:18:02,670 - you win automatically. - Yeah. 308 00:18:02,670 --> 00:18:03,710 That team wins. 309 00:18:03,710 --> 00:18:07,270 It doesn't matter how many points you score with the other ball. 310 00:18:07,270 --> 00:18:12,310 - It does seem unsatisfactory in that respect. - It's almost like it's not FIFA-regulated, isn't it?! 311 00:18:12,310 --> 00:18:15,390 And also, how far you can go away from where you're playing. 312 00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:18,150 - I'd not thought of that. - That annoys me, personally. 313 00:18:18,150 --> 00:18:19,670 Why have a pitch? 314 00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:24,790 Just to return to this one, this is called horseball, and it's played not on broomsticks, but on...? 315 00:18:24,790 --> 00:18:26,470 - Horses. - Horses! 316 00:18:26,470 --> 00:18:29,750 And we have some footage of it being played. There it is. 317 00:18:29,750 --> 00:18:34,110 - So it's like a sort of polo, only in the air. - Look how popular it is! Look at the crowd! 318 00:18:36,110 --> 00:18:40,190 - And there you are, through there. That's a goal. - Wow. 319 00:18:40,190 --> 00:18:45,470 That would be only interesting if only the horses were allowed to catch. 320 00:18:45,470 --> 00:18:47,830 But that's actually closely related to 321 00:18:47,830 --> 00:18:51,430 a game called pato. Pato being the Spanish for...? 322 00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:52,870 Duck. 323 00:18:52,870 --> 00:18:57,430 Instead of having a ball, they would have a basket with a live duck in it! 324 00:18:57,430 --> 00:19:02,230 And they would throw it, and it became the national game of Argentina under Juan Peron in 1953. 325 00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:06,190 - He declared it the national game, over football. - I love the idea that, 326 00:19:06,190 --> 00:19:09,630 after the Hand of God, they said, "Look, let's just make this a sport." 327 00:19:09,630 --> 00:19:13,510 - But what about Quidditch? Does anybody really play Quidditch? - Yes, they do. 328 00:19:13,510 --> 00:19:17,470 - Various American universities have now got Quidditch clubs. - Hundreds. 329 00:19:17,470 --> 00:19:19,990 Hundreds of them, yeah. 330 00:19:19,990 --> 00:19:22,990 It's a lot less exciting than in the films. 331 00:19:24,950 --> 00:19:27,670 They're running round with a broom between their legs? 332 00:19:27,670 --> 00:19:31,390 And catching and... Yeah, it's... It's great if you're in it, I'm sure. 333 00:19:31,390 --> 00:19:33,990 If you're in the sweeper position! 334 00:19:33,990 --> 00:19:37,230 It's called Muggle Quidditch, 335 00:19:37,230 --> 00:19:41,950 not surprisingly, because they can't fly, and there are over 200 college teams in America. 336 00:19:41,950 --> 00:19:43,230 Do they play each other? 337 00:19:43,230 --> 00:19:48,550 So, horseball has similar rules to Quidditch, but the players ride on horses instead of broomsticks. 338 00:19:48,550 --> 00:19:53,430 Which of these would you rather have on your Quidditch team? A Muggle, Hagrid, or Dumbledore? 339 00:19:53,430 --> 00:19:58,470 Is it the one that looks like Julius Caesar about to be sick in a bucket? 340 00:19:58,470 --> 00:20:00,710 I don't know which one that is. 341 00:20:00,710 --> 00:20:01,990 On the left. 342 00:20:01,990 --> 00:20:03,990 Oh, I see. Yes, he does! 343 00:20:03,990 --> 00:20:06,590 - I think that's...Dudley, is it? - Yes. 344 00:20:06,590 --> 00:20:09,830 The point is, in a lot of JK Rowling's work, the words are real, 345 00:20:09,830 --> 00:20:14,830 and "dumbledore" is a real English word, as is "hagrid", as is "muggle". 346 00:20:14,830 --> 00:20:17,270 And I want you to tell me what they really mean. 347 00:20:17,270 --> 00:20:20,630 Dumbledore has got to be some sort of a term for village idiot. 348 00:20:20,630 --> 00:20:22,630 Funnily enough, yes, it became that. 349 00:20:22,630 --> 00:20:27,390 In Thomas Hardy's Under The Greenwood Tree, it means a slow simpleton. It's used that way. 350 00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:29,670 But actually, it has an earlier meaning. 351 00:20:29,670 --> 00:20:33,590 Is there a hagrid reference in one of the Thomas Hardy books as well? 352 00:20:33,590 --> 00:20:36,150 - There may well be. - One of them, I don't know which. 353 00:20:36,150 --> 00:20:39,750 - I'm sure... - The longer form, hagridden, I've seen many times, 354 00:20:39,750 --> 00:20:42,710 - but start with... - Monster-like. - Start with "muggle". 355 00:20:42,710 --> 00:20:45,550 Do you know where the word "muggle" might have been used? 356 00:20:45,550 --> 00:20:48,910 Sounds like some sort of woodland creature or something furry. 357 00:20:48,910 --> 00:20:52,070 Actually, it's an American jazz-age word. It's a drug. 358 00:20:52,070 --> 00:20:55,110 - Marijuana? - Marijuana is the right answer. 359 00:20:55,110 --> 00:21:00,070 It was a word for marijuana, for cannabis, and more particularly for people who smoked it. 360 00:21:00,070 --> 00:21:05,030 - People who smoked marijuana were called muggles. - Hilarious! 361 00:21:05,030 --> 00:21:09,950 In New Orleans, they're all getting stoned, going, "Quidditch is really boring!" 362 00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:17,350 In New Orleans, 1920s, that was it. 363 00:21:17,350 --> 00:21:18,510 What's the next word? 364 00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:22,310 We've got "hagrid", which is used in Hardy, the Mayor Of Casterbridge. 365 00:21:22,310 --> 00:21:26,070 - GRAHAM: - I've seen it in the longer form, hagridden! - Yes, hagridden! 366 00:21:26,070 --> 00:21:29,430 - LAUGHTER - Very good - clever of you! 367 00:21:29,430 --> 00:21:32,590 It means... Hagridden... 368 00:21:32,590 --> 00:21:36,550 Oh, it means a bony old horse... 369 00:21:36,550 --> 00:21:39,550 - It's a MARE. - It's a nightmare. 370 00:21:39,550 --> 00:21:44,310 - Yes! - It's a nightmare involving a horse... No? 371 00:21:44,310 --> 00:21:47,790 Is it something to do with somebody placing through...? 372 00:21:47,790 --> 00:21:51,030 If you had bad dreams, you were said to be hagridden. 373 00:21:51,030 --> 00:21:55,670 - Ah, that's great. - Witches would come to you in the night. - That's fantastic. 374 00:21:55,670 --> 00:21:59,630 - What's happened to her?! - Is that a drunk person not finding the toilet? 375 00:21:59,630 --> 00:22:01,950 Since records began... 376 00:22:01,950 --> 00:22:03,390 That's horrible. 377 00:22:05,710 --> 00:22:09,550 They'll feel terrible when they wake up! 378 00:22:09,550 --> 00:22:13,910 That's the relationship that's not going to survive, isn't it?! 379 00:22:13,910 --> 00:22:16,390 When people sleep badly these days, 380 00:22:16,390 --> 00:22:19,870 they think they've been probed by aliens, 381 00:22:19,870 --> 00:22:24,430 but before the idea of aliens came, it was goblins and witches and demons, and hags. 382 00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:27,070 And that's what hagridden means. 383 00:22:27,070 --> 00:22:30,750 - What's the horse doing? - That's the night-MARE. 384 00:22:30,750 --> 00:22:33,590 - He's operating the video. - LAUGHTER 385 00:22:33,590 --> 00:22:36,190 - ALAN: - Early sort of animal dogging. 386 00:22:36,190 --> 00:22:38,710 - Very good. - With his big hooves! 387 00:22:38,710 --> 00:22:44,590 So that leaves us with "dumbledore", which, as you say, has been used to mean a simpleton. 388 00:22:44,590 --> 00:22:46,710 There's the great Gambon. 389 00:22:46,710 --> 00:22:50,390 But it had an earlier meaning. The first half of it. 390 00:22:50,390 --> 00:22:54,030 - Dumble. - Think of a rhyming word for "dumble". 391 00:22:54,030 --> 00:22:56,950 - Jumble. - Jumble, mumble, crumble... 392 00:22:56,950 --> 00:22:59,670 - Not mumble. - Ceiling! LAUGHTER 393 00:22:59,670 --> 00:23:02,470 - Don't try me too hard, Lee Mack. - Stumble. 394 00:23:02,470 --> 00:23:03,750 - No, you're... - Bumble. 395 00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,790 - Yes. - Bumblebee. A type of bee! 396 00:23:05,790 --> 00:23:08,110 - It is a bumblebee. - I've redeemed myself. 397 00:23:08,110 --> 00:23:12,470 There were different ways of saying it. A dore means a humming insect in old English. 398 00:23:12,470 --> 00:23:15,310 A dumbledore means a bumblebee. 399 00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:19,030 - That's great. - Isn't it? Pleasing. - I can't believe I didn't know it. 400 00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:22,070 I'm really annoyed. I've missed out on precious points. 401 00:23:22,070 --> 00:23:26,470 - LAUGHTER - You got some points, from knowing it was in Hardy. - I'm pleased. 402 00:23:26,470 --> 00:23:27,990 Yeah. 403 00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:33,070 But how did Hogwarts tackle drinking problems? 404 00:23:33,070 --> 00:23:35,670 - Is that a character, Drinking Problems? - No! 405 00:23:35,670 --> 00:23:38,910 Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Special Brew! 406 00:23:38,910 --> 00:23:42,910 LAUGHTER 407 00:23:44,670 --> 00:23:48,030 - The word existed before the book, then. - Yes. 408 00:23:48,030 --> 00:23:53,390 When the hog finds that the creek's run dry, there's nowhere to drink... 409 00:23:53,390 --> 00:23:56,150 No, it's drinking problems of an alcoholic sort. 410 00:23:56,150 --> 00:23:57,830 - GRAHAM: - It's sailors. 411 00:23:57,830 --> 00:23:59,830 Yes, it is. In the US Navy. 412 00:23:59,830 --> 00:24:03,830 Very good. They came straight to your mind, didn't they?! 413 00:24:03,830 --> 00:24:07,790 I just thought, "Who drinks? Who drinks?" Sailors! 414 00:24:07,790 --> 00:24:12,950 This isn't fair! He's getting questions about Quidditch, he's getting questions about sailors! 415 00:24:14,070 --> 00:24:17,750 And a particular branch of the US Navy - submariners. 416 00:24:17,750 --> 00:24:24,390 Now, torpedoes, right, used to run on ethyl alcohol. 417 00:24:24,390 --> 00:24:29,710 That was their fuel. Since 1914, the US Navy have been dry, you're not allowed to drink. 418 00:24:29,710 --> 00:24:36,710 On board, they had 180% proof alcohol. So, how to stop them drinking it? 419 00:24:36,710 --> 00:24:38,470 - Well... - Putting it in... 420 00:24:38,470 --> 00:24:40,950 It would kill you unless you add tonic, I think. 421 00:24:40,950 --> 00:24:46,270 It wouldn't kill you. They had plenty of juices they could add to it, and they did. 422 00:24:46,270 --> 00:24:47,390 Delicious, then! 423 00:24:47,390 --> 00:24:52,590 No, that's the point. You wanted to stop it being delicious, or make it dangerous for them. 424 00:24:52,590 --> 00:24:55,190 Putting it inside a torpedo would go some way... 425 00:24:55,190 --> 00:24:57,830 It had to be stored as fuel, and it could be got at, 426 00:24:57,830 --> 00:25:01,470 so what you do is add something. They started by adding methanol, 427 00:25:01,470 --> 00:25:03,870 known as pink lady, which makes you blind. 428 00:25:03,870 --> 00:25:06,990 They said, "If you drink this, you will go blind." 429 00:25:06,990 --> 00:25:10,870 We've all been told things like that. It didn't stop us! 430 00:25:10,870 --> 00:25:12,190 That's the problem! 431 00:25:12,190 --> 00:25:15,030 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 432 00:25:16,150 --> 00:25:18,310 That's exactly the problem. 433 00:25:18,310 --> 00:25:20,590 Anyway, it didn't work, so they added...? 434 00:25:20,590 --> 00:25:22,270 Something called croton oil, 435 00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:26,470 which came from the spurge plant, known as the hogwart. 436 00:25:26,470 --> 00:25:29,150 So they added hogwart's juice. 437 00:25:29,150 --> 00:25:32,190 And that made you vomit and gave you diarrhoea. 438 00:25:32,190 --> 00:25:36,110 But that didn't work either, because they boiled it up, 439 00:25:36,110 --> 00:25:40,110 and it condensed off again, and they would carry on drinking it. 440 00:25:40,110 --> 00:25:45,030 - They added pineapple juice. - And also, regular alcohol makes you vomit... 441 00:25:45,030 --> 00:25:47,550 That's a night out, isn't it? 442 00:25:47,550 --> 00:25:49,670 That's probably true. 443 00:25:49,670 --> 00:25:52,790 But that was the role that hogwarts played, anyway. 444 00:25:52,790 --> 00:25:57,390 JK Rowling, in interviews, when it was pointed out that there was such a thing as hogwart, 445 00:25:57,390 --> 00:26:01,950 said that she thought she'd made it up herself, but that maybe she'd been to Kew Gardens 446 00:26:01,950 --> 00:26:06,310 and seen it and it just registers in the back of your mind, as these things often do. 447 00:26:06,310 --> 00:26:13,070 I have visions of JK Rowling with a bottle of meths - "I made it up, and if anyone says different..." 448 00:26:13,070 --> 00:26:19,350 - Roh-ling. - What did I say? - Row-ling. - W before O, except after R. 449 00:26:21,710 --> 00:26:25,590 Like "bowling", not like "howling". It could be either, you're right. 450 00:26:25,590 --> 00:26:29,190 Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm not picking on you, Lee. I love you deeply. 451 00:26:29,190 --> 00:26:31,710 - LEE LAUGHS - Sorry, mustn't overdo it. 452 00:26:31,710 --> 00:26:35,630 If you were, it would be the most middle-class way of picking on anyone! 453 00:26:35,630 --> 00:26:38,750 "I think you'll find it's Roh-ling, like "bowling"!" 454 00:26:42,070 --> 00:26:43,590 "Stop the bully!" 455 00:26:45,190 --> 00:26:49,270 During the war, American sailors used to drink torpedo fuel cocktails, 456 00:26:49,270 --> 00:26:52,390 though the Navy tried to stop them by adding hogwart oil. 457 00:26:52,390 --> 00:26:58,390 Now, here's a Harry question. Why does the Domesday Book contain so many empty villages in Yorkshire? 458 00:26:58,390 --> 00:27:00,470 'Expelliarmus!' 459 00:27:00,470 --> 00:27:04,190 Is it...the Harrowing of the North? 460 00:27:04,190 --> 00:27:09,670 - The Harrying of the North. - Ah, right, OK. My understanding of it is that there was basically... 461 00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:15,470 In the city of York, there was an uprising against the Norman troops that were there, 462 00:27:15,470 --> 00:27:21,790 and then, basically, all the people in the city realised 463 00:27:21,790 --> 00:27:25,070 that they were vastly outnumbering the soldiers. 464 00:27:25,070 --> 00:27:27,270 He's right, you're doing well! 465 00:27:27,270 --> 00:27:31,590 But then there was a decree sent by the King after this uprising, 466 00:27:31,590 --> 00:27:34,350 and everything was burnt from 100 miles. 467 00:27:34,350 --> 00:27:40,230 You got the salient points, yes. William the Bastard, as he was known, William the Conqueror. 468 00:27:40,230 --> 00:27:42,990 What's the matter? 469 00:27:42,990 --> 00:27:46,470 Don't be put off by a young person knowing more than you, Alan. 470 00:27:46,470 --> 00:27:50,230 - You must be used to it by now. - I'm just mucking about, sir, sorry. 471 00:27:51,790 --> 00:27:54,430 - So what did he say, what is it? - I wasn't listening! 472 00:27:54,430 --> 00:27:57,630 - LAUGHTER - Oh, you're in trouble! 473 00:27:57,630 --> 00:28:02,790 - The Harrying... - We weren't concentrating. We were thinking about ten-pin "bow-ling". 474 00:28:04,830 --> 00:28:10,110 Well...the Harrowing of the North, for those at the back, 475 00:28:10,110 --> 00:28:14,030 was the worst example of genocide... 476 00:28:15,030 --> 00:28:20,430 G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E. Oh, you're in trouble! 477 00:28:20,430 --> 00:28:24,470 As it's Christmas, I'm going to be very lenient. 478 00:28:24,470 --> 00:28:29,270 It was actually our worst-ever act of genocide... 479 00:28:29,270 --> 00:28:31,510 LAUGHTER 480 00:28:35,070 --> 00:28:37,030 You see? 481 00:28:37,030 --> 00:28:40,910 - I've done tits! - Yes, tits... Fabulous(!) 482 00:28:40,910 --> 00:28:41,950 I've done tits! 483 00:28:41,950 --> 00:28:45,750 - Sorry, what about this...? - It's Mack, sir. He made me do it. 484 00:28:45,750 --> 00:28:48,590 - People from the north were ruthlessly killed. - Oh. 485 00:28:48,590 --> 00:28:52,950 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 486 00:28:57,150 --> 00:29:00,430 You say ruthlessly - with a war-cry of, 487 00:29:00,430 --> 00:29:03,350 "It's Rowling as in bowling! Off with his head!" 488 00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:05,790 Yes, exactly. 489 00:29:05,790 --> 00:29:09,390 They killed them, sir? They killed them in the north? 490 00:29:09,390 --> 00:29:14,030 They killed them. The Normans slaughtered one in ten of everyone in the north, 100,000 people. 491 00:29:14,030 --> 00:29:17,950 And those that survived mostly died of starvation or lived in... 492 00:29:17,950 --> 00:29:21,830 - But little did they know how good we were at breeding! - Yes! 493 00:29:21,830 --> 00:29:25,750 But it took decades. It really was laid absolutely waste. 494 00:29:25,750 --> 00:29:29,790 The Harrying of the North. It sounds gentle, "I'll give him a harrying," 495 00:29:29,790 --> 00:29:32,190 but it was vile. That's Harrying, 496 00:29:32,190 --> 00:29:38,390 But what about Pottering? What creature was the subject of Beatrix Potter's first work? 497 00:29:38,390 --> 00:29:40,510 I bet it's not Peter Rabbit. 498 00:29:40,510 --> 00:29:41,670 Is the right answer! 499 00:29:41,670 --> 00:29:43,070 LEE: Thank God you stopped me! 500 00:29:44,950 --> 00:29:46,750 Would you have said rabbit? 501 00:29:46,750 --> 00:29:49,190 I'd have said, "Is it not Peter Rabbit?" 502 00:29:49,190 --> 00:29:52,430 - No... - I would have said rabbit, yes. 503 00:29:52,430 --> 00:29:55,150 No, her first work was not a children's book. 504 00:29:55,150 --> 00:29:58,310 Wasn't it the book that they based the film Boogie Nights on? 505 00:30:02,310 --> 00:30:08,470 It'd be so lovely if I were to say, "Yes! And that's 100 points! How extraordinary you should know that!" 506 00:30:08,470 --> 00:30:11,470 "Rollergirl was based on Beatrix Potter's mother!" 507 00:30:11,470 --> 00:30:15,310 No, it was a serious work of botanical - 508 00:30:15,310 --> 00:30:17,950 as it was then called, it's now mycological - study. 509 00:30:17,950 --> 00:30:20,390 What is mycology? Does that mean anything to you? 510 00:30:20,390 --> 00:30:24,030 The study of people called Mike. 511 00:30:24,030 --> 00:30:29,870 - That would be interesting in its way. No, it's fungus. - Fungus. 512 00:30:29,870 --> 00:30:31,590 Why did the mushroom go to the party? 513 00:30:31,590 --> 00:30:35,150 Because he was a fun-gi to be with! Yeah. 514 00:30:35,150 --> 00:30:37,830 - Ah! - Anyway, 515 00:30:37,830 --> 00:30:39,030 yeah, that's what she did. 516 00:30:39,030 --> 00:30:42,830 She wrote a book, it was presented by her uncle to the Linnean Society 517 00:30:42,830 --> 00:30:46,590 - in the 1890s. Why by her uncle? Why not by her? - Because she was a woman. 518 00:30:46,590 --> 00:30:51,550 - I'm afraid that's the case. It took them 100 years to apologise for the slight. - And also, 519 00:30:51,550 --> 00:30:55,350 she was a mushroom expert - who wants to meet her?! 520 00:30:55,350 --> 00:31:00,510 - Well...! - You know what I mean! It was like, "Yeah, talk to Beatrix, she's great on mushrooms..." 521 00:31:00,510 --> 00:31:02,590 She couldn't even do the joke, could she? 522 00:31:02,590 --> 00:31:05,270 - She couldn't even say, "But I'm a fun-gi to be with." - No. 523 00:31:05,270 --> 00:31:10,470 But she did then write a story for the son of a former nanny about Peter Rabbit, 524 00:31:10,470 --> 00:31:13,750 and it started with the words, "Once upon a time, 525 00:31:13,750 --> 00:31:15,750 "there were four rabbits, called..."? 526 00:31:15,750 --> 00:31:18,270 Flipsy, Bipsy, Dopsy and Flopsy, or something. 527 00:31:18,270 --> 00:31:20,230 Close, but not... Flopsy, Mopsy, 528 00:31:20,230 --> 00:31:22,110 Cottontail and...? 529 00:31:22,110 --> 00:31:24,710 - AUDIENCE: Peter. - They know. 530 00:31:24,710 --> 00:31:28,550 - Exactly. - She wrote that after she's had a massive bag of magic mushrooms! 531 00:31:30,230 --> 00:31:33,150 And she did the illustrations, and the recipient said, 532 00:31:33,150 --> 00:31:36,550 "You should publish them." She did, and became a gigantic success. 533 00:31:36,550 --> 00:31:39,150 - Mr McGregor! Agh! - In 1903, Peter Rabbit was 534 00:31:39,150 --> 00:31:43,390 - the first merchandised licensed toy ever. - DANIEL: Wow! 535 00:31:43,390 --> 00:31:45,870 Is it fair to say it outsold her mushroom book? 536 00:31:45,870 --> 00:31:46,990 It did! It so did, yeah! 537 00:31:46,990 --> 00:31:50,790 Very fair to say. But she lived in central London, 538 00:31:50,790 --> 00:31:55,110 and if you go to Brompton Cemetery, in fashionable west London, 539 00:31:55,110 --> 00:31:59,830 - do you know what you see on the gravestones there? - Massive rabbit. - No. 540 00:31:59,830 --> 00:32:01,590 - GRAHAM: - Mushrooms! 541 00:32:01,590 --> 00:32:05,230 You see the inspiration for some of her greatest works. It's quite fun... 542 00:32:05,230 --> 00:32:07,590 - Jemima Puddle-Duck. - Not that, but there's... 543 00:32:07,590 --> 00:32:10,590 - Big bag of crack. - Peter Rabbett, there's... 544 00:32:10,590 --> 00:32:13,550 There's a grave for a Peter Rabbett, spelled B-B-E-T-T, 545 00:32:13,550 --> 00:32:17,030 there's a Jeremiah Fisher, there's a Mr Nutkins, there's a Mr Brock 546 00:32:17,030 --> 00:32:18,870 and a Mr McGregor. 547 00:32:18,870 --> 00:32:22,070 All there. So it looks like, when she was looking for names, 548 00:32:22,070 --> 00:32:25,470 she just wandered around and chose them from the gravestones. 549 00:32:25,470 --> 00:32:30,390 Anyway, Beatrix Potter was a rather successful botanist before becoming a children's author. 550 00:32:30,390 --> 00:32:32,430 Her first publication was about fungi. 551 00:32:32,430 --> 00:32:36,190 Well, that's it for magic. Now for the tricky bit - it's general ignorance. 552 00:32:36,190 --> 00:32:41,430 Fingers on buzzers, if you'd please. When should you open the first door on your Advent calendar? 553 00:32:41,430 --> 00:32:43,790 - 'Abracadabra.' - Yeah? 554 00:32:43,790 --> 00:32:45,510 - First of December. - Oh! 555 00:32:45,510 --> 00:32:46,990 KLAXON BLARES 556 00:32:46,990 --> 00:32:49,710 - I didn't say December the first! - Hey! 557 00:32:49,710 --> 00:32:52,470 Nice try to get out of it! 558 00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:57,150 No, it's the fourth Sunday before Christmas, and that can be one of a range of days 559 00:32:57,150 --> 00:32:59,190 between November 27th and December 3rd. 560 00:32:59,190 --> 00:33:02,230 The point is, you open it on Advent Sunday. 561 00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:07,150 - To be honest, I don't usually have one. - Aw, don't you? 562 00:33:07,150 --> 00:33:12,350 As your children grow up, you will. You will. They'll love them. 563 00:33:12,350 --> 00:33:15,550 - I just stopped getting mine. - Did you stop getting them? - Yeah. 564 00:33:15,550 --> 00:33:17,830 - I felt 19 was then the last one. - Right. - I'm 20. 565 00:33:17,830 --> 00:33:20,950 So you've got to buy them 20 years' worth of Advent calendars. 566 00:33:20,950 --> 00:33:23,870 - Can you get them a Kelly Brook Advent calendar? - I'm not sure! 567 00:33:23,870 --> 00:33:25,750 You cannot! 568 00:33:25,750 --> 00:33:28,630 - That's very bad. Very bad. - That's quite creepy. 569 00:33:30,150 --> 00:33:33,830 - Do you remember when pubs used to have the peanuts on the card? - Oh, yes. 570 00:33:33,830 --> 00:33:35,470 And there would be a naked girl. 571 00:33:35,470 --> 00:33:41,910 As you pulled them off, there'd be a girl beneath, encouraging the blokes to eat more nuts! "Get more nuts!" 572 00:33:44,390 --> 00:33:48,350 Johnny Vegas told me that in his local pub in St Helens, it was a topless pub, 573 00:33:48,350 --> 00:33:52,390 and if you paid an extra 50p, she'd dip it in the pint before she gave it to you. 574 00:33:52,390 --> 00:33:55,230 Divert your ears! 575 00:33:57,150 --> 00:34:00,310 - Please! - ALAN: - How erotic(!) 576 00:34:02,910 --> 00:34:04,870 More often than not, 577 00:34:04,870 --> 00:34:08,110 Advent actually starts in November, not on December 1st. 578 00:34:08,110 --> 00:34:10,830 So, who'd like to pull a Christmas cracker? 579 00:34:10,830 --> 00:34:13,310 I've got one. They've even got your names on. 580 00:34:13,310 --> 00:34:15,310 That's Lee's...and that's Alan's. 581 00:34:15,310 --> 00:34:20,710 - Thank you. - There you are, pass them on. You can see the names there. One for Graham, one for Daniel. 582 00:34:20,710 --> 00:34:22,830 - With each other? - Shall we do that? 583 00:34:25,510 --> 00:34:27,310 Oh, I lost twice. Great. 584 00:34:27,310 --> 00:34:31,950 - That worked quite well. - Give him one of the jokes, Alan, if you'd be so kind. 585 00:34:31,950 --> 00:34:34,430 - No way. - Oh, you must. Let him have a joke. 586 00:34:34,430 --> 00:34:38,310 - So, Graham, would you like to read your joke? - OK, here we go. 587 00:34:41,070 --> 00:34:42,990 - Oh! - Did you write these, Stephen? 588 00:34:45,070 --> 00:34:49,070 - Are they good? - It just sounds like something you might write. 589 00:34:49,070 --> 00:34:51,710 - Knock-knock... - Who's there? 590 00:34:51,710 --> 00:34:54,230 - To. - To who? 591 00:34:54,230 --> 00:34:57,470 To whom, surely! 592 00:34:57,470 --> 00:35:00,590 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That's a good joke. 593 00:35:03,790 --> 00:35:05,310 "S Fry." 594 00:35:05,310 --> 00:35:07,350 Oh, dear. Lee, what's your joke? 595 00:35:07,350 --> 00:35:09,030 - Knock-knock... - Who's there? 596 00:35:09,030 --> 00:35:11,390 JK Row-ling... 597 00:35:12,750 --> 00:35:16,990 No. What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cave? 598 00:35:16,990 --> 00:35:21,070 What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cave? 599 00:35:21,070 --> 00:35:24,430 - Come on, bear! - Camembert, brilliant! 600 00:35:24,430 --> 00:35:27,710 - "Come on, bear!" - Camembert, very good! 601 00:35:28,870 --> 00:35:30,630 Is that really it? 602 00:35:30,630 --> 00:35:34,150 Yeah. I didn't even know bears liked cheese. 603 00:35:34,150 --> 00:35:37,830 - They love it. - No. I'm not going to... 604 00:35:37,830 --> 00:35:40,470 I'm not going to fall for that one, Lee. Daniel. 605 00:35:40,470 --> 00:35:42,830 Who is the most famous married woman in America? 606 00:35:42,830 --> 00:35:44,990 - AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS - I didn't hear that. 607 00:35:44,990 --> 00:35:46,870 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Mississippi! 608 00:35:46,870 --> 00:35:50,870 Mrs Sippi! That's really...excellent. 609 00:35:50,870 --> 00:35:55,910 - Alan. - What disease can you get from decorating a Christmas tree? 610 00:35:55,910 --> 00:35:57,310 LEE: Syphilis. 611 00:35:59,350 --> 00:36:03,270 - Tinsel-itis. No? - Yes, it is. Tinsel-itis. 612 00:36:03,270 --> 00:36:09,510 Well, there you are. Now, you'll be pleased to know there's a department of the University of Hampshire 613 00:36:09,510 --> 00:36:12,510 called the Public Understanding of Psychology, 614 00:36:12,510 --> 00:36:17,430 and Richard Wiseman has a theory about cracker jokes, which is they SHOULD be bad. 615 00:36:17,430 --> 00:36:21,150 Why... Why is that a good thing? 616 00:36:21,150 --> 00:36:22,390 Alan. 617 00:36:22,390 --> 00:36:25,670 Who's speaking? 618 00:36:25,670 --> 00:36:30,190 - You're wishing you hadn't had that methanol now. - Jokes should be bad? 619 00:36:30,190 --> 00:36:33,030 - Is it because... To make us feel superior? - Sorry? 620 00:36:33,030 --> 00:36:35,750 - To make us feel superior? - Sort of the opposite. 621 00:36:35,750 --> 00:36:39,430 - They've always been bad and we don't like change? - Partly, maybe, 622 00:36:39,430 --> 00:36:42,830 but his theory is that not everybody will always find a joke funny. 623 00:36:42,830 --> 00:36:46,190 Therefore, the moment you tell a joke, at a party in particular, 624 00:36:46,190 --> 00:36:47,710 you divide the room into two - 625 00:36:47,710 --> 00:36:50,070 those who liked it, and those who didn't. 626 00:36:50,070 --> 00:36:54,030 And sometimes nobody likes it and the person who tells it feels bad, 627 00:36:54,030 --> 00:36:57,870 whereas if everybody knows the joke is a terrible, groaning joke, 628 00:36:57,870 --> 00:37:00,790 it's everybody against the joke. Everybody's bonded. 629 00:37:00,790 --> 00:37:05,310 So yes, cracker jokes are bad because they are, and that's why they're not bad. 630 00:37:05,310 --> 00:37:08,830 So that's it for this cracking QI Christmas. 631 00:37:08,830 --> 00:37:11,790 Let's just check the scores and see how we're doing. 632 00:37:11,790 --> 00:37:15,750 - Oh, my goodness me. - I think I've done very well! - It's really exciting. 633 00:37:15,750 --> 00:37:20,230 Winning, on his first appearance, with ten points, is Daniel Radcliffe! 634 00:37:20,230 --> 00:37:22,310 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 635 00:37:24,630 --> 00:37:27,590 And in second place with four points, Graham Norton! 636 00:37:27,590 --> 00:37:31,790 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 637 00:37:34,390 --> 00:37:37,190 But it's pretty tight below the salt. 638 00:37:37,190 --> 00:37:39,510 In third place with -18, Lee Mack! 639 00:37:39,510 --> 00:37:41,990 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 640 00:37:41,990 --> 00:37:43,950 That just leaves you, son! 641 00:37:43,950 --> 00:37:51,150 And, just in last place is our stable donkey, Alan Davies, on -19! 642 00:37:51,150 --> 00:37:53,870 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 643 00:37:57,670 --> 00:37:59,990 Well, it would be no kind of Christmas party 644 00:37:59,990 --> 00:38:03,110 if it didn't end with tricks and japes and larks of all kinds, 645 00:38:03,110 --> 00:38:05,550 so have you got a trick or a jape lined up, Alan? 646 00:38:05,550 --> 00:38:06,790 I have something, yes. 647 00:38:06,790 --> 00:38:10,870 - Ooh, who are you going to play it on? - If I could ask Lee to be my Debbie McGee? 648 00:38:10,870 --> 00:38:14,070 LAUGHTER I'm not falling for this again! 649 00:38:14,070 --> 00:38:16,270 - Take it. Take it away. - Come on! 650 00:38:16,270 --> 00:38:19,150 This is my equipment, Lee. 651 00:38:19,150 --> 00:38:22,670 If I could ask you to lie in the box, your head at that end, please... 652 00:38:22,670 --> 00:38:25,830 This is like the time you told me to smell your hankie. 653 00:38:25,830 --> 00:38:27,550 What?! 654 00:38:27,550 --> 00:38:31,190 - Chloroform joke. - Oh, chloroform. Thank God! 655 00:38:31,190 --> 00:38:34,790 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 656 00:38:34,790 --> 00:38:37,430 All the way back, if you don't mind. All the way in. 657 00:38:37,430 --> 00:38:41,830 - Just tuck yourself in under there. - Hang on, sawing? I didn't see that! 658 00:38:41,830 --> 00:38:44,950 Just look this way, concentrate on the audience. Smile. 659 00:38:44,950 --> 00:38:48,470 - You're very happy, you're relaxed. - I'm having the time of my life(!) 660 00:38:48,470 --> 00:38:52,670 - Are you sure you're all the way in? - Are you sure you know what you're doing?! 661 00:38:52,670 --> 00:38:56,230 Ooh, hello! I can see why Phill Jupitus wasn't invited on this week! 662 00:38:57,870 --> 00:39:01,270 Ow! Ow! 663 00:39:04,870 --> 00:39:07,230 Maybe I should have had Daniel! 664 00:39:07,230 --> 00:39:10,630 - I think that would have been more sensible! - I can't feel my legs! 665 00:39:10,630 --> 00:39:13,710 I used to play a magician's assistant, you know?! 666 00:39:15,470 --> 00:39:18,990 - Ow! That's the bit. - Just try and relax. 667 00:39:18,990 --> 00:39:22,190 - ELECTRIC SAW BUZZES Oh, my God! - Whoa! 668 00:39:22,190 --> 00:39:24,590 Yes! 669 00:39:25,910 --> 00:39:28,790 Are you ready? Just relax. It won't hurt at all. 670 00:39:28,790 --> 00:39:30,110 LEE SCREAMS 671 00:39:33,150 --> 00:39:37,550 - Are you all right? - What? - I said, are you all right? 672 00:39:37,550 --> 00:39:40,110 You're cutting my belly in half! 673 00:39:40,110 --> 00:39:41,510 Wow! 674 00:39:41,510 --> 00:39:47,670 Brilliant. Don't worry, you've worked with all the professionals - Douglas Bader, Heather Mills... 675 00:39:47,670 --> 00:39:50,390 LAUGHTER 676 00:39:50,390 --> 00:39:53,830 - I'm under stress! - Let's just see, there's his arm. 677 00:39:53,830 --> 00:39:57,750 - Yes. - The arm's not the bit I'm worried about. - Yes, that's working fine. 678 00:39:57,750 --> 00:40:02,310 Now, ladies and gentlemen, if this has worked... 679 00:40:02,310 --> 00:40:04,070 - AUDIENCE: - Ooh! 680 00:40:04,070 --> 00:40:06,790 Oh, my word! 681 00:40:06,790 --> 00:40:10,710 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yes! Look at that! 682 00:40:13,150 --> 00:40:14,870 Blimey! 683 00:40:16,470 --> 00:40:18,030 Brilliant! 684 00:40:18,030 --> 00:40:22,110 Alan Davies and the glamorous Lee Mack, ladies and gentlemen! 685 00:40:22,110 --> 00:40:25,310 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 686 00:40:25,310 --> 00:40:30,230 - Well, all I can say... - Hang on! Surely you don't leave it like that?! 687 00:40:30,230 --> 00:40:35,190 Just hang there for the moment, Lee, and we will see. 688 00:40:35,190 --> 00:40:38,510 It's going to be hard to top, boys. Can you do something similar? 689 00:40:38,510 --> 00:40:41,390 Well! Come with me, Daniel Radcliffe. 690 00:40:41,390 --> 00:40:42,430 Oh, I say. 691 00:40:42,430 --> 00:40:45,230 This did seem like a good idea, so, er... 692 00:40:45,230 --> 00:40:47,430 - Shall I? - If you want to kneel down there... 693 00:40:47,430 --> 00:40:48,670 Right. 694 00:40:48,670 --> 00:40:52,070 OK. This feels very wrong, doesn't it?! 695 00:40:52,070 --> 00:40:54,110 LAUGHTER 696 00:40:55,230 --> 00:40:57,950 Children are watching and sobbing! 697 00:40:59,350 --> 00:41:00,750 "What's he doing?! 698 00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:05,030 "He found Dorothy, now he's killing Harry Potter!" 699 00:41:07,550 --> 00:41:10,270 - OK... - Daniel, you have... - Are you all right, there? 700 00:41:10,270 --> 00:41:14,710 Daniel, have you finished both of the Harry Potter films by now? 701 00:41:14,710 --> 00:41:16,270 It'll be fine, it'll be fine! 702 00:41:16,270 --> 00:41:19,190 They can usually finish them without you! 703 00:41:19,190 --> 00:41:21,830 I'm so bad at this, I was about to lean through. 704 00:41:21,830 --> 00:41:24,590 LAUGHTER 705 00:41:24,590 --> 00:41:27,470 Are you all right there? Are you comfortable? 706 00:41:27,470 --> 00:41:30,390 - Yes, it's lovely, thank you. - Nothing can go wrong. 707 00:41:30,390 --> 00:41:32,470 Wouldn't it be awful...? 708 00:41:33,790 --> 00:41:38,150 No, you know what I mean? We had the stuff about the bullet, and... 709 00:41:38,150 --> 00:41:40,190 It could go wrong! 710 00:41:40,190 --> 00:41:46,110 There'll be a story, "Then Graham got distracted by a bright light. Oh, he's dead!" 711 00:41:46,110 --> 00:41:48,230 Have I done...? I think I've done it all right. 712 00:41:48,230 --> 00:41:50,590 LAUGHTER 713 00:41:50,590 --> 00:41:54,990 - You'll live on in films forever. - LAUGHTER 714 00:41:56,110 --> 00:41:59,510 - DRUM ROLL - Drum roll! - OK, here we go. 715 00:41:59,510 --> 00:42:03,470 So, three, two... 716 00:42:03,470 --> 00:42:05,110 - AUDIENCE: - One... 717 00:42:05,110 --> 00:42:07,990 AUDIENCE GASP AND APPLAUD 718 00:42:07,990 --> 00:42:11,150 On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen... 719 00:42:13,510 --> 00:42:15,430 Thank you, Graham. 720 00:42:18,710 --> 00:42:21,710 You saw it here. It'll be on YouTube before you can speak, 721 00:42:21,710 --> 00:42:23,790 but my goodness me, on that bombshell, 722 00:42:23,790 --> 00:42:25,470 it's thanks to Lee and Alan... 723 00:42:25,470 --> 00:42:28,990 APPLAUSE 724 00:42:28,990 --> 00:42:32,430 ..and it's thanks to Graham and the late Daniel Radcliffe! 725 00:42:32,430 --> 00:42:34,710 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 726 00:42:34,710 --> 00:42:39,390 And a very merry Christmas to you all, good night! 727 00:43:01,070 --> 00:43:04,110 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 728 00:43:04,110 --> 00:43:07,150 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net