1 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,800 Welcome, welcome, and thrice welcome 3 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:39,080 to the home of highbrow know-how that we call QI. 4 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,800 Tonight, we'll be groping down the back of the great sofa of history, 5 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:48,320 to find those tasty morsels that other historians have so carelessly discarded there. 6 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,480 And to accompany me on my quest, I have the postmodern Rob Brydon. 7 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,560 THUNDEROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,480 The pre-classical David Mitchell. 9 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,800 MORE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,600 The Pleistocene Sandi Toksvig. 11 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:18,600 And our very own bowl of primordial soup, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:28,000 Each panellist is equipped with a suitably historic buzzer. 15 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:33,200 - Sandi goes... - MELLOW NAUTICAL MELODY 16 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,320 - David goes... - GRANDIOSE FANFARE 17 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,240 Quite long. 18 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:45,520 - Rob goes... - AMERICAN-STYLE MILITARY FANFARE 19 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,920 - And Alan goes... - HORN SQUEAKS 20 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,800 Of course. 21 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,680 So, as we stroll off into the mists of time, 22 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,640 let's start with something nice and easy - name a henge. 23 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,800 Now, look, come on... 24 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,480 - Seahenge. - Aaah! 25 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,320 ALARM AND BELLS 26 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,160 - There is a Seahenge, but it's not a henge. - Oh, right. 27 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,120 It's a word with the word "henge" in it, 28 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:15,040 as "spigot" has got the word "pig" in it, but it isn't a pig. You see? 29 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,360 So, the word "henge" in it, that's wrong? 30 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,480 I think you're wary enough, for good reasons. 31 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,960 - Yeah, you didn't get me there. - A henge is a specific thing. 32 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,320 What is a henge? 33 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,600 You have two of them on the side of a door, or on the top of a window. 34 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:34,640 - WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: - I'll do you a nice henge, sir, yes. 35 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:38,640 A hedge bent on revenge, that's what it is. 36 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:43,000 - Good. - It's a very old form of economic investment - a henge fund. 37 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,520 Wahey! It's not that either. It's one of those archaeological words. 38 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,760 There's a specific meaning, an embanked area outside 39 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,920 with ditches on the inside, right? 40 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,840 And Stonehenge is the other way round, so it's not a henge. 41 00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:00,800 Even though the name henge comes from Stonehenge. 42 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,760 A henge is a word for something that's like Stonehenge, 43 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:06,000 but not including Stonehenge? 44 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,360 Basically, yes. 45 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,920 - It was just Stonehenge. - Was the word "stone" named after Stonehenge? 46 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,240 Yes, you're safe with the stone. 47 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,640 Maybe Stonehenge was just a noise they came up with for Stonehenge, 48 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,480 which luckily gave them a word for two common sorts of things. 49 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,240 Probably the noise when they put those top ones up. 50 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,320 GROANS AND SQUEALS 51 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:32,880 People right up until the 20th century were quarrying it. They would actually set fires 52 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,520 on the lintels, the top bits, to crack the stone and take it off and build things with them. 53 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,720 - Nowadays it's cordoned off. - Yes, it is, rather, isn't it? 54 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,840 - Except the Druids. - They can do what they want. 55 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:47,080 - How long have Druids been celebrating religious services there? - 1970. 56 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:50,000 Since the beginning of the 20th century. There's no 57 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,000 evidence that Druids had anything to do with Stonehenge. 58 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,520 So why did they get all these concessions of access to Stonehenge? 59 00:03:56,520 --> 00:04:00,200 In 1905, when they started doing it, Stonehenge was private property. 60 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,920 It didn't belong to anybody except the owner of it, 61 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:08,760 and then Chubb in 1915, who went to a lunatic asylum nearby, bought it in 1915... 62 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,560 - For his wife. - You're quite right. 63 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:15,840 - Yes, he bought it for his wife at auction. - Yeah, and three years later she gifted it to the nation. 64 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,840 Re-gifted? 65 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:21,800 - Yes, re-gifted. - Well, it must have been hell to clean. Those top bits. 66 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:27,400 So, the Druids have access to it, so presumably, I mean, they can't all have parked miles away. 67 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:32,200 They must have little stickers in their windows with a little Druid sign on it, 68 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,000 which also gets them into Klu Klux Klan meetings. 69 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,480 Yes, they've just got to straighten up their headdresses. 70 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,600 They can park near the burning cross. 71 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:45,280 There was a mention you made there of Seahenge. What is Seahenge? 72 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:50,200 - So that's not a proper henge either? - No. - Seahenge, isn't it some bits of old and knackered wood 73 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,520 that occasionally become visible when the tide is out. 74 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:57,760 That's it, 55 bit of old oak in Holme-Next-The-Sea in Norfolk coast 75 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,120 which was only discovered quite recently. 76 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,920 Carhenge, does that mean anything to you? 77 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,000 - Yes, I do know what that is. - Yes? - Well, I'll guess. 78 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,880 It's that... AUDIENCE TITTERS 79 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,080 You started really confident, 80 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,200 then it just slid away from you there. 81 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:16,000 It's probably not right, I'll give it a go. I think I know what it is. 82 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,840 It was featured on the inner liner notes of Bruce Springsteen's album 83 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,800 The River, in particular reference to the song Cadillac Ranch, 84 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,640 it's all these Cadillacs that have been... It's not, is it? 85 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,680 - Yes, it is. - It is, it is! 86 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,040 All these cars have been stuck in the ground. 87 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,600 And sprayed with grey paint. 88 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,520 - Yes, it's in Nebraska. - It's interesting, though. 89 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,520 That obviously looks quite a lot like Stonehenge, 90 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,200 considering it's made of cars, but you can't help feeling 91 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,600 he could have made it look more like Stonehenge 92 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,880 if he'd used something else to make it with. 93 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,440 - It was a memorial to his father. - Was he killed in a car accident? 94 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,800 Does the name Alfred Watkins mean anything to you? 95 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,600 He wrote a book called the Old Straight Track 96 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:03,640 in the 1920s, and he posited something that he called leys. 97 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,200 They're spiritual lines... 98 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,360 Yes, people, apparently wrongly, call them ley lines. 99 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:14,760 They're wrong to do that. Whereas people who allege they exist aren't wrong to do that. 100 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:18,720 But we can show you some ley lines which may make you think again. 101 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,760 Each one of those letters represents something. 102 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,720 Yeah, it's certainly challenging my scepticism. 103 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:29,120 If each one of these letters represented a stone circle or a henge of some kind, 104 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,200 it would be quite a coincidence, because you would need to get 105 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,920 above the ground to get them that shape, but actually, 106 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:40,440 this map was drawn by someone who was deliberately poking fun at ley lines, 107 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:46,000 because this is nothing less than a representation of Woolworths stores in Britain. 108 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,560 As he says, you can't rule out the possibility that Woolworths 109 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,200 used aliens to get so exact and perfect a geometrical shape. 110 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:58,120 - It does look like if you folded it one more time you'd get a frog. - Yes! 111 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,280 - It looks quite origami. - Surely there are more, or were. 112 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:03,720 There are 800. 113 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,800 So he's been very selective in his choice of Woolworths stores. 114 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:10,080 Whereas, people who believe in ley lines aren't? 115 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:14,680 According to archaeologists, Stonehenge isn't really a henge at all. 116 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,880 So, I have a thing that I want to show you. 117 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,120 This might help in decision-making. 118 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,040 Have a look at one there. 119 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,400 Pass one along. 120 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,360 - There you go. - It's a bowl. 121 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:31,640 It's a replica of an original ancient British bronze bowl that was discovered in Northern Ireland. 122 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:34,520 - It's very like a bronze bowl. - It's very like a bronze bowl. 123 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,320 - It has got a hole in it. - Has yours got a hole in the bottom? 124 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,480 - Yes. - They've all got holes in the bottom. 125 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,200 That's a very ancient British use, it must be said. 126 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,280 - You know what I'd use this for? - Tell me. 127 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,160 If I were enjoying some salted pistachios at home, 128 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,400 while watching the Emmerdale omnibus... 129 00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:00,040 ..I would use this to deposit... 130 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,120 - To kill yourself. - To kill yourself! 131 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,000 I'm joking, of course. I would 132 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,480 use it to deposit the shells. 133 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,160 And would the salt run out of the bottom hole? 134 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:19,960 Yes, it would, and I would use that to encourage slugs. 135 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,400 I would make a trail of the salt to encourage them to their death. 136 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:27,800 Do you think that's what ancient Britons used to use it for? 137 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,080 I think I'm close. 138 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,440 Except it would have been Crossroads rather than Emmerdale Farm? 139 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:38,640 - Yes. - Would you like me to demonstrate how would you use it? - Yes! - I have one here. 140 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,160 - It's a slightly bigger one. I have a large vase... - Where's the fish gone? 141 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:46,600 And if I put it in here, what's going to happen? 142 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,160 Yeah, great. It's going to sink. 143 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,440 But the point is, it takes a set amount of time to fall 144 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:56,040 to the bottom, and you could call that time a minute, or something. 145 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,560 You could give it a name and make it a time unit. 146 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:03,920 Suddenly, you've got a way of repeating a consistent length of time. 147 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:07,000 Almost all civilisations have developed different ways 148 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,920 of measuring a unit of time they can predict. 149 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,080 Not necessarily to tell the time of day, 150 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,960 which you could say when it's noon, 151 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,040 but, "I will see you in two..." let's call it a bowlington. 152 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:20,200 When it hits the bottom - bang. 153 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,960 - Go! - Yeah, go, exactly. 154 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,320 So, if you're playing hide and seek, you'd say, 155 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,040 "I'll give you a bowlington," OK? And then you just drop it like that. 156 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,280 It's called a water clock, or a water thief, it is called a... 157 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,480 - Ah, that's slightly different. - Is it? 158 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:38,400 Yes, that's a Greek thing, that's a clepsydra, which is a water thief. 159 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:42,040 They used it the other way round. They had a bowl with a hole in it, 160 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,720 but they perched it above and they measured out the amount of water 161 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,640 that dropped out through the hole. 162 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,640 What other early clocks do you know about? 163 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,240 Candles, marked off. 164 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,160 Yes, do you know who was said to be the inventor of the candle? 165 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,280 It's a legend. 166 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,400 Alfred the Great, they say. Though not very reliable, 167 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:04,200 - to be honest. - No, he burnt those cakes. - Yes, exactly, you see? 168 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,720 Very difficult to strap to your wrist, as well. 169 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:11,200 Do you know about explosive sundials, you might call them? 170 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,440 The sundial alarm clock? 171 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,680 It uses a lens, 172 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:20,800 so that when the sun hits the lens, it points a beam at a fuse, 173 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:24,360 which tracks all the way to a cannon and fires a gun at exactly noon. 174 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,160 Can you get one of those, Stephen? 175 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,240 That's a fantastic way to wake the children. 176 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,280 In a hail of bullets. 177 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,120 "You're going to school!" Pp-pp-pp-pp-pp! 178 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,960 Dance! 179 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,120 Yeah, that would do it. We've got 180 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:45,160 time telling by looking, by seeing something, the sun's shadow, 181 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,280 for example, on a dial, and by listening 182 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,920 to a drum or a gun going off, but the Chinese, God bless them, 183 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,120 they managed to use another sense. 184 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,000 Is it something that goes off in a certain amount of time 185 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,160 when starts to stink. 186 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:02,280 Sort of, they just had gradated incense sticks, joss sticks, 187 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,600 so that it would burn for an hour, and it would 188 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,480 smell of sandalwood, and then 189 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,880 it would go through another band which smelt of rose or something 190 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,640 so you could tell what time it was. 191 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,080 "Oh, it's the rose-smelling time, it's that hour." 192 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,240 That's rather sweet. 193 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,200 - "Oh, it's cinnamon, I must collect the children." - Yes, exactly. 194 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,640 You talked about the clepsydra, the Greek one that was like a bowl. 195 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,000 But there was a much more subtle Greek machine. Have you ever heard 196 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,880 - of a really remarkable Greek computer? - The watch. 197 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,600 Sort of. It was much more than a watch, though. 198 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,600 - It was discovered in 1901 by sponge divers. It's known as... - SpongeBob? 199 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,040 SpongeBob Square Pants. 200 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,280 An antikythera. 201 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,160 The antikythera is an extraordinary device. Look at it. 202 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,400 That's Ancient Greek. 203 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,080 Do you know what it can tell you? 204 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,760 It can determine the course of the sun, the moon and the known planets. 205 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,520 When you enter the date it calculated the positions. 206 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,360 An achievement made all the more remarkable by the fact 207 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:03,680 that they believed the solar system was geocentric rather than solar-centric. 208 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,920 - Stephen, you've been watching QVC again. - It does look like it. 209 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,400 It does look like something you would get on there. 210 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,840 It subdivided the year into 365 days, 211 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,600 including a leap year every fourth year, 212 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,320 it was able to predict eclipses of the moon and the sun, 213 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,960 as well as the appearance of the zodiac signs in the sky. 214 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,480 - And this is from the Greeks? - The Ancient Greeks, around 180 BC. 215 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:29,080 - It kept track of the Olympic Games, which year was an Olympic year. - Discovered by sponge divers? 216 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:34,400 Don't you find it odd that there's just as much water where sponges grow as there is anywhere else? 217 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,320 That is odd. 218 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,600 You weren't a guest on that particular show, it was an early QI. 219 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:45,000 - Do you know a peculiar property of sponges? - No. - It is amazing. 220 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,560 You put a sponge in a liquidiser, it will obviously turn into a 221 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:53,360 hideous coloured mess and then settle down, it will 222 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,320 reassemble itself into a sponge. 223 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,720 But, more amazingly, put two sponges in, 224 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,400 and it will settle itself into its two original sponge shapes. 225 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,440 So they're essentially like Terminators? 226 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,440 Exactly, exactly, 227 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,880 but Terminator 2. 228 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,120 It's evil, isn't it? Definitely evil. 229 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:15,000 We should definitely, I think, destroy all sponges, shouldn't we? 230 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:19,480 - That's only natural sponge, not the one you get at Halfords? - No, no. 231 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,680 So it's proper real sponge, like the Body Shop sort of sponge. 232 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:23,720 Yes, that kind. 233 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,720 I'm going to do that as soon as I get home. 234 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,960 I think they have to be alive. The dried-out ones won't count. 235 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,520 So where would I go to get a sponge? 236 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:35,560 - The Adriatic for the Aegean Sea would be a good place. - Well, what time is it now? 237 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:39,160 There's your problem. They'd probably pay you to go to Greece, given their economy. 238 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,120 So had the sponges stolen that clock? 239 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,720 What where they are doing with it? 240 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,000 Well, I think it had been dropped off a ship, it was undersea. 241 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:55,480 If they've got these powers, we don't need them to have access to our technology as well. 242 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,960 You said the divers found that. Sorry, I genuinely thought you 243 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:04,760 - said they were kind of creating that from the sponges... - No! 244 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:09,440 I've been sitting here going, "How the hell did they do that?" 245 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:16,280 What, you thought in Ancient Greece, the greatest timekeeping technology was possessed by the sponge divers? 246 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,720 Well, that's how it appeared to me over here. 247 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,360 But moving on to more modern timekeeping pieces, there was 248 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:29,760 a recent discovery, or invention, I suppose you would call it, of the most accurate clock yet devised. 249 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:33,400 - Is it the atomic... - It's a new optical clock, accurate 250 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:39,000 to one second in 3.7 billion years, but what is the point of having an incredibly accurate clock? 251 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:43,760 You'd have to know when SpongeBob Square Pants is going to start. 252 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,200 - There are some ready meals that you need to time exactly. - Yeah. 253 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,200 Well, how does GPS work? 254 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,640 - I don't know. - Satellite, various satellites. 255 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,080 You send a signal from your GPS device, there have got to be at the 256 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,920 least three, usually four or five satellites that receive your signal, 257 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:04,160 and the difference in time it takes to get from one satellite to the other and the other, 258 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:10,120 which is milliseconds, allows them to calculate your position to within ten metres. 259 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,560 So they built this clock so your TomTom will work. 260 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,920 No, this one you'd be within a metre, if not less. 261 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:20,880 You would be able to have aeroplanes landing without humans, traffic on 262 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,400 motorways without humans driving, because it's so accurate. 263 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:29,760 Any transaction over the internet uses what's called packet switching, which means that the information 264 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,560 is broken up into packets and they're reassembled 265 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:37,760 at the other side, but each side has to be exactly synchronised, otherwise the message is nonsense. 266 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,600 So the caesium atomic clocks are not just for, "Gosh, look how accurate," 267 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:46,040 but it's in order to make all this technology work. That's rather pleasing, isn't it? 268 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,680 I preferred it when it was more relaxed. 269 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,760 Who was the king that had Sandringham time, was it Edward VII? 270 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,840 All the clocks were set half an hour earlier, so that everybody got up for hunting. 271 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,880 I read this once and I thought, "What a marvellous idea." 272 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:02,320 On New Year's Eve, for years, I used to reset the clocks during the day. 273 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,280 At nine o'clock, it look like it was midnight, and I'd say to the children, 274 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,840 "You've stayed up, isn't it marvellous? Well done." 275 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:14,880 And put them to bed. It was fantastic. 276 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,840 Yes. There's accurate time and there's Bergsonian internal time, 277 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:24,800 which is the time in which things can seem to take a lifetime in your own head, and things can go fast. 278 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,240 Don't they say that the amount of time that something seems to take 279 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,200 is in terms of a percentage of how long you've been alive? 280 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,000 Time speeds up, the older you get. 281 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,040 I had an aunt in her 90s and she'd say, "It CAN'T be breakfast again." 282 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,000 She was astonished by the idea. 283 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:50,400 The Queen Mother, everything after 1964 was just a sort of blur. 284 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,960 She must have thought, "My horses are definitely getting quicker." 285 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,640 It was an ancient British clock, one of the ways we told the time 286 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,400 when being accurate to a billionth of a second didn't seem so important. 287 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,840 Talking of time, it's time for a picture round. 288 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:09,920 Here's a very famous image, so you can bank a few points. 289 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,600 How was it made, what is it? 290 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,400 - It's not a tapestry. - You've learnt. Firstly, it wasn't made in Bayeux. 291 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,320 Bayeux is in France, this was probably in Kent. Do we know who by? 292 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:25,800 The Normans commissioned it, but sort of Saxon embroiderer ladies did it. 293 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,080 Yes, absolutely right. 294 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:31,560 It's one example of why women's history has completely disappeared, 295 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,040 because women tended to make things like this phenomenal piece of work, 296 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,680 but they didn't sign it. So we don't know the names. 297 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,720 We know the name of the man who commissioned it, but we don't know the names of the women who made it. 298 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,920 The lack of signature is one of the reasons why women's history has disappeared. 299 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:51,560 It's remarkable. You're right to say it's an embroidery, It's absolutely not a tapestry. 300 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:56,320 A tapestry is all one material with the different colours woven in at the weaving stage. 301 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,920 This is a woven piece of cloth that is then embroidered. 302 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:04,720 - It's so typical. The women do all this embroidery and the man goes, "Nice tapestry." - I know. 303 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,720 - It's very absurd. - "Couldn't make us a cup of tea, could you?" 304 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,400 "My hands are raw." 305 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:18,520 Is the word "tapestry" named after the Bayeux tapestry but they decided to make it mean something... 306 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 307 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:27,720 Can you tell the British from the French in that picture? 308 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:31,760 Are the British the four-legged ones at the top? 309 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,280 I should say English rather than British. 310 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,000 The English would be the ones not on horses. 311 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,120 That's pretty much true. The other giveaway is moustaches. 312 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,080 Some English fighters were on horses. But the British... 313 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,720 The English - I'm allowed to say English, I'm unused 314 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,080 to saying English - had the moustaches. 315 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,840 Harold's housecarls, 316 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:54,240 plus they tended to have battle-axes rather than the lances and things. 317 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,960 - Great comedy hats. - They're rather extraordinary. 318 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:01,040 They're like party hats, they've got a bit of elastic under the chin. 319 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:07,000 - It was done by the same person that did Mr Benn. It's a very similar style, isn't it? - Yes. 320 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,520 - "Suddenly the shopkeeper appeared." - I wonder if they are specific blokes 321 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,760 that the women doing the embroidery knew. 322 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,560 "Who you doing?" "I'm doing Reg." 323 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:21,200 "Look at the way he held his axe. He was lovely before they cut him to bits." 324 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:26,080 Their mail, their suits of reinforced defensive clothing, 325 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,680 Harald Hardrada had a long one which apparently 326 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,800 couldn't be penetrated by a spear and was known as Emma. 327 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:35,560 Was that based on a particularly aloof woman who couldn't be penetrated? 328 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,480 APPLAUSE 329 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,280 One's bound to wonder. 330 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,760 I didn't know until someone told me this recently 331 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,880 that quite a lot of the names that we use, 332 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,560 or Christian names, we call them, 333 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:57,080 came from the Normans and that invasion. They completely changed the country. 334 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:00,080 Yes, including William, and the first few kings. 335 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,480 - John, Richard. - Robert, lots of them. 336 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:07,600 Is it not when we start to change the language completely, is it not when we get beef instead of cow? 337 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,400 Because we had two words each time, exactly. We could use the English 338 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,960 word for the animal, cow, and the French word, boeuf, for the food. 339 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,640 The British word sheep, and mouton, mutton, can become what you eat. 340 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:24,080 You eat the mouton, you eat the beef, but the animal is the cow. 341 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,480 - But why? - The Saxons herded them and knew them as animals, 342 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,440 and the Normans just feasted and ate them because they 343 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,160 were the upper class, so would use their word for it. 344 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,520 The only time they saw a cow was when it was on a plate in front of them. 345 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:39,760 Quite a lot of what we know about the Bayeux Tapestry, 346 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,280 we don't know, because it's not from Bayeux and it isn't a tapestry. 347 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,640 But how can you tell which one Harold is in the Bayeux tapestry 348 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,760 that's not a tapestry or from Bayeux? 349 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:53,880 Isn't there a bit of a dispute about whether he's the one with the arrow in his eye, or someone else? 350 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:58,640 Is it like on Facebook, when you run the cursor over it, you get tagged. 351 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,520 And it says, "You are also in this photo," 352 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,320 and it'll have the other people. 353 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,920 It's not dissimilar. 354 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:08,160 There are three tags, all meaning him. 355 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:14,080 "Harold Rex interfectus est," which means Harold the King is killed. 356 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,800 They tell the story narratively from left to right. 357 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,280 They could all be Harold, or only one of them could be Harold. 358 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,720 It's impossible to tell. We don't know that he'd an arrow in his eye. 359 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,320 It's a much later story. 360 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,360 So is it like a cartoon? Like one of those books you used to flick. 361 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,840 - Exactly. - Although not successful in embroidery, I think. - No... 362 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,880 It's a cross between that and Where's Wally? 363 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,440 - Yes, there's a hint... - A hint of Where's Wally? 364 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,760 So the one with the blue shield, he's got an arrow in his eye... 365 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,520 He has. People have always ASSUMED that was Harold. 366 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:49,440 So if it's a journey, it's, "Got an arrow in my eye, I'll just get on this horse for a rest..." 367 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:54,000 - Continuity! "Where's my shield?" - ..and then the horse has disappeared! "I'm dying." 368 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:57,000 - And they've cut his head off on the right... - Yeah. 369 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,640 I can't see the arrow in the eye. 370 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,480 It's not come out very well. I blame bad embroidery. 371 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:05,000 You can see him holding the end of it... 372 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:09,440 He can't have been that ill though, because he seems to have had time to change his socks. 373 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,000 - It probably is... - "I'm dying, get the death socks!" 374 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,800 LAUGHTER 375 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:19,160 Stephen, can I point out... Can I give the seal of approval to his wonderfully LONG socks? 376 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,360 LAUGHTER 377 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:22,880 Rob Long-Socks(!) 378 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,000 - APPLAUSE - Oh, dear... They are long. 379 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,240 Yes - it's probable that it's NOT the same person repeated. 380 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,640 The other theory is that he's only one of those 381 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,000 and maybe he's the LAST one - under the horse, almost, 382 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:40,040 cos that's where "interfectus est" - "is killed"... The point is, we just don't know. 383 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,640 That's good. So we know how we spot the Englishmen, by their moustaches, 384 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,320 the Bayeux Tapestry isn't a tapestry - isn't from Bayeux - 385 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,800 and you shouldn't believe anyone who tells you they know HOW Harold died. 386 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,520 However, you CAN spot the Englishmen by their moustaches. 387 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,720 On the subject of English gentlemen with moustaches, 388 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:59,320 could you give us your impression of the average World War II British... 389 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:00,680 LAUGHTER 390 00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:05,560 Oh, dear. ..the average British World War II fighter pilot? 391 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,200 You look hilarious on the end! 392 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,320 LAUGHTER 393 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,000 That is a character... 394 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,480 Someone has got to write a sitcom around David Mitchell's character. 395 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:25,840 You look like you're posing with a very successful team of kind of...novelty Air Force - 396 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,040 you've just agreed to have your photograph taken with them, for your birthday. 397 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:35,360 I know you're not, but if they'd invented gaydar instead of radar... 398 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:36,760 LAUGHTER 399 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,720 ..I'm sorry to say that would mark high. 400 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,120 LAUGHTER 401 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:46,640 "I'm ordering these helmets for my wife's birthday..." 402 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:52,200 I think in this war film, I think I die about two-thirds of the way through. 403 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:56,200 It breaks the heart of the audience - and inspires the hero. 404 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,840 Everyone goes and kills a load of Germans as revenge for my death. 405 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:06,320 And I'm the old First World War hero with a gammy leg who runs and watches them come back, and cries... 406 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,920 - I don't think Alan dies. I think you make it through. I think - I - die. 407 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:13,440 You THINK I'm going to live, and then right near the end, I die. 408 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:18,040 Like Von Ryan's Express - as I'm running towards the train, I get shot at the end. 409 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:23,480 I'm the plucky woman who was just supposed to do the radio, who's been forced to fly one of the planes. 410 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,760 You look as if you could, with your sergeant stripes. 411 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,840 - I look rather fine. - But how did the pilot talk? That's the thing. 412 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,680 - Erm... - ROB: Er... 413 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,760 HE HOLDS HIS NOSE AND MAKES DISTORTED WORDS 414 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:39,680 ..we've got a lovely team today who will be furnishing you with the easyKiosk... 415 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,280 LAUGHTER 416 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,600 Scratchcards... Minstrels... 417 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,520 "Clean up in aisle three." Yes. 418 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,920 LAUGHTER 419 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,000 - But what sort of people? - Well... 420 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:54,480 - What sort of PEOPLE? - Yes. - Quite posh... 421 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,080 KLAXON 422 00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:59,680 I think you'll find you're wrong. LAUGHTER 423 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,000 That's the odd thing - they so weren't. 424 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:06,280 Only 30% of all British fighter pilots in the Battle of Britain went to public school. 425 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:09,200 And of that 30%, they were mostly MINOR public schools, 426 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:12,920 and of the Eton, Harrow, Winchester or the top 13, there was only 8%. 427 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,400 - Just the actors that played them were posh, then? - That's the point! 428 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,320 In the war films during and after the war - 429 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,880 your Kenneth Mores and your David Nivens and so on - they spoke like that. 430 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,600 Did the Germans know we were sending up the lower classes(?) 431 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,960 LAUGHTER 432 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:33,280 - SHE MIMICS A GERMAN - "Here comes someone who has got no manners vatsoever!" 433 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 434 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,960 But there's your Richard Todd on the left, who's playing... 435 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,280 - "Your actual" Richard Todd. - ..Guy Gibson I think, 436 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:50,360 and there's David Niven from A Matter Of Life And Death, by the look of it. 437 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,680 And that's how people thought of them, with the moustache and... 438 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,120 I mean, 30% of them having gone to public school 439 00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,120 is more than the percentage of the population. 440 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:01,960 - Yes, you're absolutely right... - So they're a bit posher than... 441 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,200 But "posh" IS the first word that comes to mind - 442 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:08,200 when 70% were state educated, not privately educated. 443 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:11,120 But they didn't speak like Jordan or something, did they? 444 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,720 - LAUGHTER - No, nobody did then. No. 445 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,080 ROB MIMICS JORDAN "There's no way we're gonna drop the bombs 446 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,400 "over that lot!" LAUGHTER 447 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,840 "It's a real bloody mess dahn there!" 448 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,400 LAUGHTER "Right, let 'em go... 449 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,120 "Look at that!" 450 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,520 LAUGHTER 451 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,240 - APPLAUSE - Oh, dear... 452 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:40,240 20% of all the pilots were in fact not even British... 453 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:44,640 - Polish? - Quite a few were Polish and Czechoslovakian, but also from 454 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,160 the Dominions, the Empire and the Commonwealth. 455 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:51,640 Canada and New Zealand and Australia particularly of course. And South Africa also. 456 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:55,480 There's one sitting on the plane at the end there, he's obviously hoping for a ride. 457 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:57,520 LAUGHTER 458 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,120 "Is this right...? 459 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:02,120 - "Is this where you go?" - "I'M ready!" 460 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,200 "I find you get a better view from here..." 461 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:10,480 What about modern pilots? Is it any advantage for THEM to posh up their accents? 462 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:15,560 - Yes - isn't it something that it's more reassuring for people? - Yeah... 463 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,520 The classic British Airways pilot is... 464 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,560 CLIPPED, POSH VOICE: "Welcome aboard..." 465 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,920 Nowadays, you've got your Virgin, Buzz and Go, 466 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,920 - and those guys sound like they're on Radio Top Shop... - They do! 467 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,640 LAUGHTER 468 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,560 DJ VOICE: "Good morning to you, ladies, 469 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,120 "gonna get this little baby airborne soon as I can... 470 00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:34,000 "First of all, check out Lily Allen." LAUGHTER 471 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,840 And they tell you the Christian names of the other... 472 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,000 Why?! You don't need to know that. 473 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,120 I was on a British Airways flight about six weeks after 9/11, 474 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:45,160 and everybody was a little bit tense about flying out of New York - 475 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,280 and tragically, the plane directly in front of us took off and crashed. 476 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,840 I don't know if you remember, it was a flight going to the Dominican Republic. 477 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:58,200 Anyway, we all deplaned...and after about 12 hours we were allowed back 478 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,880 on to the flight. Anyway, the pilot came on and he said, 479 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:06,000 "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is the delayed flight to London. 480 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,240 "I know many of you are seasoned travellers and 481 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:11,600 "probably don't watch the safety briefing, but perhaps today..." 482 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:12,840 LAUGHTER 483 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,560 Usually Australians get it right - 484 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:24,920 I was on an Ansett flight from Perth to Adelaide, and he started off by saying 485 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,880 "We're on our way to Adelaide. If Adelaide is not your 486 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:31,720 "final destination, now would be an ideal time to deplane." 487 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:35,520 He started talking about the safety, then "But that's enough yakety-yak from me. 488 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:40,840 "It's time to push some service down the aisles and some scenery past the window." 489 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,160 LAUGHTER 490 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,640 I thought that was very good. Australians are good at that kind of thing. 491 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:49,000 Now, accents... You're absolutely right, people 492 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:53,560 do like what they consider to be an authoritative and reassuring voice from a pilot. 493 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,760 72% of people interviewed felt at ease if a pilot had a WHAT accent? 494 00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:00,400 - People like Scottish accents... - Right. Edinburgh in particular. 495 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,640 - HE TALKS LIKE BILLY CONNOLLY - "I don't think THAT would be very good..." 496 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,160 But a nice, respectable Edinburgh would make you feel... 497 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,600 - Miss Jean Brodie. - That's right. That would be fine. 498 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:10,880 You could sit down on the plane, hear "Ding-dong..." 499 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:14,520 HE MIMICS RONNIE CORBETT "Ha-ha... This is not the one about the aeroplane..." 500 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:15,880 LAUGHTER 501 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,440 "that crashes in the river, it's not that one..." 502 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:19,960 What about a Geordie accent? 503 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,880 65% of people said a Geordie accent would make them feel more or less comfortable? 504 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:25,480 He can serve the drinks. 505 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,960 "He can serve the drinks"?! Ooh... 506 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,720 - I don't want him flying the plane. - Well, funnily enough... 507 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:37,120 Very friendly... But they're likely to be chatting too much and then they'll just crash into earth. 508 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,920 ..65% said they don't mind a Geordie, they'd like a Geordie. 509 00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,120 Very popular for a call centre. 510 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:45,600 - What about Brummie? 76% said they would or wouldn't... - ROB: Oh, no. 511 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:48,400 I'm afraid to say that they would NOT like... 512 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,880 It's easy to sort of think, "Sounds like a victim..." You know. 513 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:55,720 "Doesn't sound incompetent - sounds unfortunate." 514 00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:57,360 LAUGHTER 515 00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:00,480 - And I think... - I don't want a skilled pilot, I want a lucky pilot(!) 516 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:05,920 Exactly! The posh voice... Could be an idiot, but he's lucked his way through life. 517 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:07,480 LAUGHTER 518 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:13,240 Then he screws all the stewardesses, and his wife never finds out... 519 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:15,760 Yeah, I want HIM flying. LAUGHTER 520 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:20,440 And 83% of men and women polled said they'd be more likely to trust a male or a female pilot? 521 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:21,960 - Oh, male. Must be. - Male. 522 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:23,760 I'm afraid so. Yeah. I'm sorry to say. 523 00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,640 There we are. So that's your flying done for the moment. 524 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:31,400 Despite the stereotype of the Battle of Britain pilots being posh young chaps fresh from the better 525 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:35,000 public schools and varsities, the great majority were in fact state educated. 526 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,880 Now we're engaged in mortal combat... 527 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:41,040 perhaps you can tell me which side Yorkshire was on 528 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:44,600 - in the Wars of the Roses? - Well, it's the white rose, is Yorkshire. 529 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:50,120 It's not the counties though, is it, it's just the er...the royal houses. 530 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:56,000 That's the point exactly. Yorkshire had no more to do with the House of York than Kent or Norfolk. 531 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,440 It's the Duke of York versus the Duke of Lancaster. 532 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:03,200 Yes, exactly. The point is that most people who lived in Yorkshire where Lancastrians, in fact. 533 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:05,960 They favoured the Lancastrian cause. 534 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:10,480 But now of course, people in Yorkshire very much associate with the white rose and the Yorkists. 535 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,600 Well - because it's become a symbol of the county, and the cricket match 536 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,840 between the two counties is known as the Roses Match and so on. 537 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:18,880 There are other things called "Yorkshire" 538 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:21,920 - that aren't particularly Yorkshire, can you think of one? - Pudding? 539 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:26,480 Yorkshire pudding is not a thing that was invented in Yorkshire - although people in Yorkshire... 540 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:29,520 - Hello? - Oh, yes - this was really annoying. 541 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:33,720 They're trying to say that - like you can't make... 542 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:38,280 you know, champagne outside the Champagne region or Stilton outside a certain region - 543 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:42,200 that you wouldn't be allowed to make something and call it a Yorkshire pudding 544 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,080 outside Yorkshire... 545 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:49,560 Which is basically entirely an idea cooked up by people who 546 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:52,200 manufacture those horrible frozen Yorkshire puddings. 547 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:53,840 You're right to be angry. 548 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:58,480 Yes, it's called a protective designation of origin - a PDO - 549 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:04,320 and champagne as you say has it, and Parma ham... You can't call it Parma ham unless it comes from Parma. 550 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:08,800 But making Yorkshire pudding one of those would be like making a SANDWICH one of them. 551 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,000 Yes, you had to come from Sandwich in Kent... 552 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:16,040 You had to go to Marks & Spencer's in Sandwich, for the authentic sandwich. 553 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:21,480 - Give me some other British PDO-protected foods. - There's one I think... I think Stilton is one. 554 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:25,040 - Where must it come from? - It CAN'T come, for example, from Stilton. 555 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:28,480 - No, that's quite right. - The town of Stilton - the cheese is named after it 556 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:32,400 because that's where the cheese was sold, not where it was manufactured. 557 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:37,480 So the designated area that you make it in was bits of Leicestershire, I don't know... 558 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,840 - Anyway, Stilton's not in it. - Mostly round the Melton Mowbray area. 559 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:42,880 What about pork pies? Melton Mowbray pork pies. 560 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:46,480 I guess you can't call it a "Melton Mowbray" pork pie. I don't know if it's a PDO. 561 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:50,520 Did you know the chairman of the Pork Pie Association is vegetarian? 562 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:52,160 LAUGHTER 563 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,520 - I didn't know that. - Yes, I interviewed him. 564 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:56,880 He brought pork pies for us to try, and I said, 565 00:32:56,880 --> 00:33:01,080 "Go on then, tuck in." And he said, "No, thanks very much, I'm vegetarian. 566 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,280 - LAUGHTER - That's very peculiar. - Yeah, it's weird. 567 00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:05,400 What... What?! 568 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,480 LAUGHTER 569 00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:08,520 He's angry now! 570 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:12,480 No, I am absolutely... Surely... What's this man DONE with his life?! 571 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,440 LAUGHTER 572 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:17,360 You can't on the one hand say it's wrong to eat animals, and then 573 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,680 dedicate your professional life to the marketing of ground-up pig. 574 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:23,160 LAUGHTER 575 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:29,920 - You've got a point! - It's just a sort of pacifist... nuclear weapons manufacturer! 576 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:35,840 Not all vegetarians are vegetarians because they don't agree with the slaughtering of animals - 577 00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:37,520 some just don't like the taste. 578 00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:41,800 Maybe he thought it was a job of being chairman of pork pie hats... 579 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,560 Yes. Or of lying... 580 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:48,680 - Or of lying. - Yes, telling porkies. - He thought he was being a spy. 581 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:50,880 "I'm going to tell porkies! Tell pork pies." 582 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:54,520 "I'm going to destroy the pork pie business from the inside." 583 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:55,800 LAUGHTER 584 00:33:55,800 --> 00:34:00,520 Well, there you are. The fact is more Yorkshire folk supported the Lancastrians than the Yorkists. 585 00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:02,800 - Scotch whisky! - Thank you. 586 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:04,400 LAUGHTER 587 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,880 The question will no doubt... 588 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,160 - DAVID: Any minute now. - Yeah. 589 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:13,280 On the subject of making a bit of noise, what might you use these for? 590 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:15,720 - Oh, those are fantastic. - Aren't they great? 591 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:20,160 If they're mobile, they look like giant tubas... 592 00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:25,320 - Tubas is a word that was used, they were called war tubas... - Sirens? Air raid warnings? - No. 593 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:27,000 Is it an over-large hearing aid? 594 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,520 - Yes. - What?! - Yes. 595 00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:30,840 LAUGHTER 596 00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:35,040 APPLAUSE 597 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,360 - Was it for hearing enemy aircraft? - It's like an ear trumpet. 598 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:42,240 You can hear enemy aircraft coming towards you. And by setting the angles, 599 00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:45,520 they could determine not just the distance but the direction. 600 00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:49,640 - Wheel it down to Dover, you can hear 'em in France. - That's the idea - like sound mirrors. 601 00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:54,320 They had sound mirrors as well, which were largely made of metal but usually of concrete. 602 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:59,640 These are Japanese, as it happens. The Japanese used them to detect aircraft coming in. 603 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,800 We had nothing quite as enormous as that, 604 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,760 but there have been yokes you put on your shoulders... Look at that. 605 00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:10,000 And it's extraordinary how much they did give you a slight advantage. 606 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:14,280 Well, it looks silly, but I find myself more and more, as I enter my 30s now... 607 00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:15,840 LAUGHTER 608 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:17,680 - ..doing that. - Yes. 609 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:21,040 And it makes a hell of a difference. ..Take them away, David. 610 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,480 - Now - hello, Da... Not yet! - LAUGHTER 611 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:26,280 Hello, David, it's lovely to see you. Now try them. 612 00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:28,480 Sorry, what...? LAUGHTER 613 00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,920 - Put them there. - OK, yeah... 614 00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:33,520 - Hello, David... - Ouch! 615 00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,560 LAUGHTER 616 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:40,080 - You see? Practical proof. - He's misunderstanding for comic effect, but it's...it's true. 617 00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:41,600 LAUGHTER 618 00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:45,160 - Hello, David, lovely to see you... - It does quite genuinely work. 619 00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:47,840 - ALAN: - It makes it sound different. 620 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:51,840 - ROB: It sounds much better. - If you do it... Now, that's very disorienting. 621 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:56,000 That's quite nice. And when you talk to yourself with them, you almost fall over. 622 00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:00,600 - So don't talk to yourself like this. Also, you look like an idiot. - Yeah... 623 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:03,160 - I feel like I'm in front of myself. - ROB: Yes... 624 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:06,400 I think what's nice is it also has a nice warming effect on the ears. 625 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:07,960 LAUGHTER 626 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:10,080 It's really a win-win-win-win-win, isn't it? 627 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:11,840 Yes, I find it very comforting. 628 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:15,800 And also it means you can't hear all the horrible things people behind me are saying. 629 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:18,360 You'd have to reverse it, like that... 630 00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:21,560 Shut up, shut up, shut up! LAUGHTER 631 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:23,080 Oh, you bitch! 632 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:24,760 LAUGHTER 633 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:28,720 Miaow! Get back in the knife drawer, Mrs Sharp! 634 00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:31,120 Perhaps the really clever thing is the fact that you can 635 00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:36,000 get the range and elevation from the slight difference in time, like what we were saying about clocks. 636 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:37,640 Our own ears receive the same sound, 637 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:41,440 but at slightly different times, cos one is nearer than the other. 638 00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:44,240 I mean, it's minuscule. It's enough for the brain to process it 639 00:36:44,240 --> 00:36:46,760 and know that the sound is coming from there, not there. 640 00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:50,360 And some animals, like the barn owl, have this to an extraordinary degree. 641 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:56,440 Their ears are actually inside a kind of sound dish - that's what the round shape is in the owl's face - 642 00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:59,600 and they've got one high, looking down, and one low, looking up, 643 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,800 and they're able therefore to tell with extraordinary precision 644 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:05,280 from something they hear, exactly where it is. 645 00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:08,480 So nature, as always, gets there first. 646 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:11,160 So - yes, Japanese war tubas were mobile acoustic locators 647 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:13,880 that helped to find enemy aircraft in the days before radar. 648 00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:20,560 And so time's winged chariot glides us gracefully towards the crack of doom that is General Ignorance, 649 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:23,920 or in this case Generals Ignorant - because let's see what we really 650 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:28,000 know about some of the greatest military leaders from history. Fingers on buzzers. 651 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:34,720 What animals did the Carthaginian general Hannibal use to defeat King Eumenes of Pergamon in 184BC... 652 00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:37,720 - MELLOW NAUTICAL MELODY - Elephants. - Oh... 653 00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:40,800 KLAXON 654 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:45,080 - "..did he use to defeat WHO?" - King Eumenes of Pergamon. 655 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:47,240 - Right... Him! - Him, there he is. 656 00:37:47,240 --> 00:37:49,320 - Is he defeated(?) - Horses? 657 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,400 Tigers, lions, leopards, mice... 658 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,480 - Bacteria. - Birds, eagles... - LAUGHTER 659 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:54,920 Snakes! 660 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:59,120 Snakes... I don't think of that as an animal, really. 661 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:02,680 He put them in earthenware pots, threw them at the enemy and onto their ships. 662 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:08,040 - Really? What a great idea. - Snakes On A Plane, almost the first example of it. 663 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:10,720 How did Snakes On A Plane come about...? Do you know? 664 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,600 - ROB: Snakes On A Plane? - Yes, the film. 665 00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:15,680 People had more money than sense, and er... 666 00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:18,200 - LAUGHTER - Maybe... 667 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:24,240 Supposedly a group of scriptwriters were trying to think up the stupidest names - like a pub game - 668 00:38:24,240 --> 00:38:29,040 and someone said, "Snakes On A Plane!" and they said, "Do you know, that's so crap, it's good." 669 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:32,880 It would be scary to be on a plane with lots of snakes, though. 670 00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:35,400 - I liked the film... - Is it good? - Quite scary. 671 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:37,840 The key would be whether the plot that leads to the snakes 672 00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:39,640 being on the plane is believable or not. 673 00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:41,920 Well, they get out of a thing in the hold. 674 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,440 - Oh, well, that sounds all right to me. - Yes! 675 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:49,000 - And they're snakes, so they can get through tiny cracks. - They come up the loo! - Oh...! 676 00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,640 - Ooh... Anyway. Yes... - LAUGHTER 677 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:56,680 Hannibal defeated the Pergamese by bombing them with pots full of snakes. 678 00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:59,760 Now, who succeeded Harold as King of England in 1066? 679 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:04,480 - Is there a trick to it? - No - it's just you need to name the person who succeeded Harold 680 00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:07,560 - as King in 1066.... - DAVID: Don't trust him! 681 00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:12,280 - The trick is to know the answer. - I don't trust you. At all. 682 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:14,120 Is it the bastard, then? 683 00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:16,200 Who's the bastard? Oh, dear... 684 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:19,680 - KLAXON - See? You see?! 685 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:23,840 - It wasn't a trick. - Did England cease to exist in some way, or was it changed in name? 686 00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:29,120 There was another Saxon claimant who was nominally king for 45 seconds, or something... 687 00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:31,000 Well - for a few months, yes. Yes. 688 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:32,880 - Edgar Atheling. - ROB: Ah. 689 00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:38,640 And er, he was 15 years old. But Saxon kings were... 690 00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:42,040 - How did you become a king if you were a Saxon? - Did you have to be nominated? 691 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:46,640 You had to be from one of the five or six families... and then you'd be elected. 692 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:50,760 - By what, by votes? They would vote for you? - Yes. 693 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:54,360 Edgar the Aetheling. 15 years old. But of course William had won the battle, 694 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:59,080 and so he came after him and he tried to fight - he couldn't raise an army, he went abroad... 695 00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:03,320 - He didn't lead a very successful life. - He was 15, so he wouldn't have been able to do anything. 696 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:06,720 Edgar the Aetheling WAS proclaimed king after the death of Harold, 697 00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:09,200 and reigned for two months before William was crowned. 698 00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,760 Why did Julius Caesar wear a laurel wreath? 699 00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:14,400 GRANDIOSE FANFARE Was it because he was bald? 700 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:18,800 Yes, is the right answer, absolutely right. He was very vain. 701 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:23,160 According to Suetonius, his baldness was a disfigurement of which he was deeply ashamed, 702 00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:29,200 and so he chose the laurel wreath as one of the things he had a right to wear, and wore it all the time. 703 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,760 "The laurel wreath is going to do wonders for you, Julius... 704 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:36,920 "What it's going to do is take attention away from your baldness. 705 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:40,120 "Now, they come in a variety of colours and styles - 706 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:43,160 "we're going to start your off with a very simple, traditional one." 707 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:47,200 He was also supposed to have invented the comb-over, cos Suetonius... 708 00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,360 He invented the comb-over?! LAUGHTER 709 00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:53,800 I shall quote you Suetonius in translation. "He used to comb forward the scanty locks 710 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:57,200 "from the crown of his head, and of all the honours voted for him 711 00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:59,880 "by the Senate and people, none did he receive more gladly 712 00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:02,680 "than the privilege of wearing a laurel wreath at all times." 713 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:06,600 He must have looked like a '60s footballer who'd come through a hedge! 714 00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:07,920 LAUGHTER 715 00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:12,320 It would be like leaving your Christmas cracker hat on all year. 716 00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:13,520 LAUGHTER 717 00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:18,080 So, with that display of general incompetence, we reach the end of recorded history. 718 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,880 All that remains to see is who has learnt its lessons, 719 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:26,160 and who is condemned to repeat its mistakes endlessly...on Dave. 720 00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:27,520 LAUGHTER 721 00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:29,320 And taking their place in history tonight 722 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,280 with a magnificent plus 2 points 723 00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:34,880 - is Rob Brydon! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 724 00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:42,440 Happily dancing to the music of time in second place with minus 4, 725 00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:45,520 - it's David Mitchell! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 726 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:53,680 But hanging grimly on to past glories with minus 27 727 00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:56,520 - is Sandi Toksvig! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 728 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:05,120 And finally, sadly no more than a forgotten obscure footnote... 729 00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:08,120 - with minus 29, Alan Davies! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 730 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:17,040 Well! That's all from this historic edition of QI, 731 00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:19,760 so it's goodnight from Sandi, Rob, David, Alan and me. 732 00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:23,840 I leave you with Winston Churchill's remark to Stanley Baldwin in the House of Commons. 733 00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:26,840 "History will say that the right honourable gentleman was wrong," 734 00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:30,040 he remarked. "I know it will - because I shall WRITE the history." 735 00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:31,360 Goodnight. 736 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,000 APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING 737 00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:54,520 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 738 00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:56,640 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net