1 00:00:28,740 --> 00:00:31,220 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,220 --> 00:00:37,180 Hello. Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 3 00:00:37,180 --> 00:00:39,940 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 4 00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:44,380 This is Captain Fry speaking in, I hope, a very reassuring tone, 5 00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:49,220 welcoming you aboard this QI international, around-the-world trip. 6 00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:53,260 We have an impressive roster of VIP passengers on board with us tonight. 7 00:00:53,260 --> 00:00:56,100 International man of mystery Jack Dee. 8 00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:58,140 APPLAUSE 9 00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:03,420 Global phenomenon Bill Bailey. 10 00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:06,100 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:10,780 Seasoned world traveller David Mitchell. 12 00:01:10,780 --> 00:01:13,260 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:14,820 --> 00:01:19,220 And from another planet entirely, Alan Davies. 14 00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:22,180 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:32,860 And gentlemen, if at any time you wish to get my attention, don't hesitate to use your call buttons. 16 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:34,780 Jack goes... 17 00:01:34,780 --> 00:01:37,180 'Icelandair to Inverness, Gate B.' 18 00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,820 LAUGHTER 19 00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:40,820 Bill goes... 20 00:01:40,820 --> 00:01:43,940 'Iran Air to Istanbul, last call.' 21 00:01:43,940 --> 00:01:46,060 David goes... 22 00:01:46,060 --> 00:01:48,820 'Air India to Islamabad now closing.' 23 00:01:50,580 --> 00:01:52,620 And Alan goes... 24 00:01:52,620 --> 00:01:55,460 'Unexpected item in the bagging area.' 25 00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:58,780 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Very good. - Oh, yeah. 26 00:02:01,260 --> 00:02:07,460 Good. If you make sure that all your seats are in an upright position, we are cleared for take-off. 27 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:11,500 Don't forget that this year we are celebrating our ignorance 28 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,300 with the Nobody Knows Round. 29 00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,460 FANFARE 'Nobody knows.' 30 00:02:16,460 --> 00:02:20,460 If you think that nobody knows the answer to that question, 31 00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:24,740 then you can wave your "nobody" and you get a big bonus. 32 00:02:24,740 --> 00:02:29,060 But if you wave it and you're wrong, you get a bit of an old forfeit. 33 00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:33,020 What are the points that you can gain by using it correctly? 34 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:38,900 I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands QI's scoring system. 35 00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:45,340 So, by that logic, were we to raise the subject of the scoring system and I was to do that, then... 36 00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:47,060 A-ha! 37 00:02:47,060 --> 00:02:51,260 APPLAUSE - Nobody knows. - Nobody knows. 38 00:02:52,980 --> 00:02:56,940 - He's made a very good point. - It's a good point. 39 00:02:56,940 --> 00:02:59,220 I suppose I'm trapped in an infinite loop. 40 00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:02,140 - Yes. Fortunately, that isn't one of the questions. - Ah. 41 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:06,700 If it were, in the hypothetical round, a question, "What is the QI scoring system?", 42 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:10,980 and nobody knows, what would happen to the person that DOES the QI scoring? 43 00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:12,940 Would they not then feel rather sad? 44 00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:18,220 - They would. - They, at least, presumably, are sitting there THINKING that they know. 45 00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:23,060 His name's Colin. He is brilliant. He works for Lumina, the scoring-system people, 46 00:03:23,060 --> 00:03:26,860 and HE knows what he's doing. But it is a bit of a puzzle to the rest of the world. 47 00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:32,500 - There's a company out there responsible for the scoring system on this programme? - That's right. 48 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:36,140 For nine years we've used them, and I think they've served us proud. 49 00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:39,300 - What happened before then? - Served themselves! 50 00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:43,860 - They must be laughing all the way. - What a good scam, Colin! 51 00:03:43,860 --> 00:03:46,580 I think they also do Pointless and Eggheads, 52 00:03:46,580 --> 00:03:48,180 and other things like that. 53 00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:52,940 - I think they reserve a lot of their creativity for this show, don't they? - Yes, I know! 54 00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:57,660 - I wonder what the score is now. - Yes, the score now... 55 00:03:57,660 --> 00:04:01,780 Amazingly, Bill has three and everyone else has zero. APPLAUSE 56 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,820 Why three? 57 00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:14,420 I either thought one or ten, but three? 58 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:19,100 - How could you divide your contribution by three? - Better than you, you, you. Three! 59 00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,620 APPLAUSE 60 00:04:23,860 --> 00:04:26,380 Let's get going, shall we? 61 00:04:26,380 --> 00:04:30,740 Now, if by some terrible, terrible concatenation of circumstances, 62 00:04:30,740 --> 00:04:35,460 both my co-pilot and I on this flight are suddenly taken ill, 63 00:04:35,460 --> 00:04:38,060 how would you land this plane? 64 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,380 Can't they just land themselves? 65 00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:44,820 I'd stop reading the Kindle on the steering wheel and concentrate. 66 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:48,260 LAUGHTER 67 00:04:48,260 --> 00:04:51,260 That would be a wise start, yes. 68 00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:58,020 - Don't you radio the...? The co-pilot is slumped normally in these situations. - Someone talks you in. 69 00:04:58,020 --> 00:05:01,860 - Somebody talks you in? - That's what happens in the movies. 70 00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:08,340 - Robert Duvall would probably be good. That's who I'd ring. - Or Lloyd Bridges in the case of Airplane. 71 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:13,420 - Perfect choice. - Presumably, there are legal problems with someone talking you down 72 00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:19,020 because you could sue if it was interpreted by your relatives that you were given bad advice. 73 00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:24,580 So probably these days, the air traffic controller would refuse to give advice and say, 74 00:05:24,580 --> 00:05:27,980 "We're not covered for my saying something..." 75 00:05:27,980 --> 00:05:33,860 You'd have to sign a waiver and text it to them, then insurance would cover you to be talked down. 76 00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:40,180 It is a minefield. Extraordinarily, and happily, it has never occurred in commercial airline travel history 77 00:05:40,180 --> 00:05:46,500 that someone has gone, "Can anyone fly this plane because the pilot and co-pilot are ill or dead?" 78 00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:50,340 It's never happened, but it would be fraught with difficulty. 79 00:05:50,340 --> 00:05:52,780 They have tried various simulations. 80 00:05:52,780 --> 00:05:58,980 For example, those with American civil private pilot licences in America who can fly light planes 81 00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:02,180 were invited on to simulators of big jets. 82 00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:07,060 One of them couldn't even operate the seat that moved him towards the control. 83 00:06:07,060 --> 00:06:13,100 Another one turned the radio off. Another one turned off the autopilot and instantly crashed the plane. 84 00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:15,860 The fact is it's incredibly difficult. 85 00:06:15,860 --> 00:06:21,620 Stephen, am I allowed to say that in your uniform how incredibly unlike a pilot you look? 86 00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:23,940 So what do I look like instead? 87 00:06:23,940 --> 00:06:26,020 Be brutal, be frank. 88 00:06:26,020 --> 00:06:29,500 I think you'd be the chap who calls himself the bursar. 89 00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:34,140 He's got a big leather wallet and takes money for duty-free. 90 00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:36,300 Yeah, CALLS himself the bursar. 91 00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:41,020 - He calls himself the bursar? - Yes, I think he does. - Or the purser? 92 00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:45,100 - The bursar is the one that does the money for... - Public schools. - Yeah. 93 00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:47,660 What kind of plane is he flying on? 94 00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:49,380 LAUGHTER 95 00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:54,340 "The bursar will be collecting money for the end-of-term jamboree." 96 00:06:54,340 --> 00:06:56,900 "Here on Charterhouse Air..." 97 00:06:56,900 --> 00:07:01,540 The bursar with the trolley and then, with the drinks, the groundsman. 98 00:07:01,540 --> 00:07:08,180 Anyway, the fact is it's fraught with difficulty. The first problem is simply getting into the cockpit 99 00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:11,500 because since 9/11, of course, cockpits are locked. 100 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:17,540 If the pilot and co-pilot were too ill to be able to fly, they may be too ill to let you into the cockpit. 101 00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:21,100 - Do they have a secret knock? - That's a lovely thought. 102 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:27,140 - When they give them their lunch, they have to get in. - Yes. - So they must have a coded knock or something? 103 00:07:27,140 --> 00:07:29,380 Like... "It's me. 104 00:07:29,380 --> 00:07:31,660 "I've got your... 105 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,700 "I've got your lunch." 106 00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:37,460 Something like that. They go, "It must be the lunch." 107 00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:42,580 Yes, it must be Deirdre with the lunch. The lunches. Why do I say "lunches"? 108 00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:46,660 - Because there's more than one. - But why is there more...? 109 00:07:46,660 --> 00:07:49,100 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 110 00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:57,180 - You are accruing points at a fantastic rate. - I tell you what... 111 00:07:57,180 --> 00:08:01,140 - Why is there more than one lunch? - They have to eat different meals. 112 00:08:01,140 --> 00:08:07,380 - Yes, the pilot and the co-pilot must eat different meals. - In case one of them gets botulism? Exactly. 113 00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:13,100 If one is by accident poisoned. And in extra long-haul flights, there are three pilots, not two. 114 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:17,180 So you can't get into the cockpit, it's very dangerous, never been done. 115 00:08:17,180 --> 00:08:23,620 If it was on autopilot, you'd be able to fly level, but once you got into the landing situation, 116 00:08:23,620 --> 00:08:29,740 yes, the film scenario would take over whereby you'd be told how to operate the flaps and at what speed, 117 00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:35,740 but there are so many variables in terms of glide paths and vertical and horizontal axes and so on, 118 00:08:35,740 --> 00:08:39,580 it is extraordinarily difficult. There is an auto-land system. 119 00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:45,140 There's no way of flying it remotely from the ground? Just somebody with a Wii or something. 120 00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:48,220 - I don't know. - Maybe one day. 121 00:08:48,220 --> 00:08:50,820 Someone comes in the room. "What? Oh!" 122 00:08:50,820 --> 00:08:53,620 LAUGHTER 123 00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:56,900 It's a horrifying thought, 124 00:08:56,900 --> 00:09:02,300 but fortunately it never has yet happened in major commercial air travel. 125 00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:08,220 They say the chances are one in ten if it was an intelligent person and the plane was on autopilot, 126 00:09:08,220 --> 00:09:14,540 - they could be talked down, there is a one in ten chance the plane would survive the landing. - Right. 127 00:09:14,540 --> 00:09:19,540 - If it was not on autopilot, probably one in 100. - This is not reassuring. 128 00:09:19,540 --> 00:09:22,140 There are 400,000 people in the air at any given time. 129 00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:26,460 - Is that right? - Yeah. - That's fabulous. Wow! 130 00:09:26,460 --> 00:09:28,940 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 131 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:30,140 Very good! 132 00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:38,220 There is no question that trampolining is a very popular sport. 133 00:09:38,220 --> 00:09:42,780 - Yes! It sounded really plausible. - I heard it once in a pub or something. 134 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:50,420 There are points if you can give me, within five years, when the autopilot was invented. 135 00:09:51,860 --> 00:09:54,260 1965. 136 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:57,100 1965 we've got there. 137 00:09:57,100 --> 00:10:00,020 - 1970. - 1970. 138 00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:02,620 '77 to coincide with the Jubilee. 139 00:10:02,620 --> 00:10:06,020 I'm going to go for 1945. 140 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:09,860 You're the closest, but you're still miles away. It's 1914. 141 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:16,260 The first autopilot was used at the Paris Air Show. An American invented it. They were a huge success. 142 00:10:16,260 --> 00:10:20,420 They had a big rubber band on the joystick. "Look, no hands! 143 00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,580 "It's flying itself!" 144 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:26,780 The gyroscope got so popular they would have the pilots standing on the wings. 145 00:10:26,780 --> 00:10:33,740 - We've got a picture showing you how impressive it could be. - People were just crazy in those days. 146 00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:39,900 That's when people went over Niagara Falls in a barrel. They were mental! 147 00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,780 Those were the days of the barnstormers. 148 00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:45,180 You wouldn't want to be ball boy. 149 00:10:45,180 --> 00:10:49,660 But it's a surprisingly ancient invention. It was the early days... 150 00:10:49,660 --> 00:10:54,140 That's almost before aeroplanes were invented. He probably had this thing in his shed, 151 00:10:54,140 --> 00:10:59,580 - hoping something would be invented he could apply it to. - It was a gyroscopic corrective mechanism. 152 00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:05,460 Is the modern autopilot still recognisably the same system? 153 00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:12,020 - No, it's more complicated. - It's not a gyroscope where you put string in and wind it round to get it going? 154 00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:18,060 One of the worrying things about the autopilot is it's on for most of the time you're in the plane. 155 00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:23,380 They switch it off just before they land. They switch it off just as they take off... 156 00:11:23,380 --> 00:11:28,420 They watch the telly, then now and again they go to that channel where the map is 157 00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:31,860 to make sure they're heading in the right direction. 158 00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:34,980 Then they put Michelle Pfeiffer back on. 159 00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:40,100 There are long flights, but where is the shortest commercial flight? Do you know? 160 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,700 Oh, Bill! 161 00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:47,540 I think I might know this. I don't know. I'll try it. I'll go out on a limb. 162 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,740 Is it the Orkney Isles? 163 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:52,220 - Yes! - Is it? - Yes! 164 00:11:52,220 --> 00:11:55,460 APPLAUSE Oh, Bill, well done! 165 00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:02,060 - How many points? - There's another 4.5 points(!) 166 00:12:02,060 --> 00:12:06,780 - Yeah. - It's between... - 27 and a half, I think you'll find. 167 00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:09,820 - It's between Westray and Westray Papa. - Yeah. 168 00:12:09,820 --> 00:12:15,860 It's usually done in around two minutes, though the record is 58 seconds from take-off to landing. 169 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:19,380 Do you think people go, "I hope it's a quick one today?" 170 00:12:19,380 --> 00:12:23,420 The distance is shorter than the runway of Edinburgh Airport. 171 00:12:23,420 --> 00:12:28,180 Do they just take off, throw peanuts at you and then land? 172 00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:30,740 Run up to you and rush back again. 173 00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:35,740 But the most bizarre thing about it is a return ticket is £39. 174 00:12:35,740 --> 00:12:38,940 - It's not cheap. - Why don't they build a bridge? 175 00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:44,900 - I'm assuming there is some sort of gorge to be got over. - I assume there is too. 176 00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:49,940 You get a certificate and a miniature of Highland Park whisky for doing the flight, 177 00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:55,380 so maybe people just get off on the idea of doing the shortest flight in the world. 178 00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:59,860 The sea's quite choppy round there, so it's quite difficult... 179 00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:05,220 It is a bit like that. They just do the exits and... "Oh, here we are." 180 00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:08,300 Well, there we are. 181 00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:14,020 Ladies and gentlemen, we've arrived at our first destination, which is India. 182 00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:18,860 Which of these two gentlemen is going to make the better policeman? 183 00:13:18,860 --> 00:13:23,620 One of them has seen the camera and is about to arrest the photographer. 184 00:13:23,620 --> 00:13:28,100 That seems to be what policemen do nowadays, so I'll go with that one. 185 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:32,140 - Interesting. - And he's got a Biro. - Yeah, the one with the pen. 186 00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:38,060 Writing notes down. The other one seems to be more concerned with how he looks. 187 00:13:38,060 --> 00:13:43,100 He's smiling, chatting away. The other one's a bit more sober, more professional. 188 00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:46,740 I think it's the guy in white behind them. 189 00:13:46,740 --> 00:13:49,580 He's plain-clothes. He's mingling in. 190 00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:53,100 You've missed the one detail that the state of Madhya Pradesh 191 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:59,020 will pay policemen an extra 30 rupees a month to grow a moustache. 192 00:13:59,020 --> 00:14:03,140 - Really? - They consider that policemen are better in all kinds of ways. 193 00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:09,180 They're less intimidating, they work better with the community, they're more respected by the public. 194 00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:13,260 - They're extraordinary... - The human race never ceases to disappoint. 195 00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:17,420 It's not just India. The British had weird ideas about moustaches. 196 00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:23,340 In India, they're considered a sign of virility, but at the moment there's a north-south divide. 197 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:27,700 In the north of India, it's rarer to have moustaches because in Bollywood 198 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:32,100 and the cricket team, the great heroes tend not to have moustaches, 199 00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:37,220 but in Tamil cinema, everybody has a moustache and that is just considered... 200 00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:40,740 It's Steve Wright in the Afternoon, isn't it? 201 00:14:40,740 --> 00:14:44,580 I've never trusted a moustache. I'm completely the other way. 202 00:14:44,580 --> 00:14:47,980 That's interesting because in the British Army from 1860 203 00:14:47,980 --> 00:14:51,820 it was a regulation that every soldier had to have a moustache. 204 00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:57,940 You could be imprisoned for shaving your upper lip, right up until the First World War, 205 00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:02,420 - then you had the option of shaving off your moustache. - Why? 206 00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:05,140 Why suddenly in the First World War? 207 00:15:05,140 --> 00:15:09,180 "We're fighting total war. The moustache, that was ridiculous." 208 00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:15,580 Surely, if they think...if we need moustaches, we need them more than ever now. It should be beards. 209 00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:18,620 They give you a certain... Don't they? 210 00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:22,300 Yeah? Yeah? APPLAUSE 211 00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,300 I think so. 212 00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:28,420 But this "beh-h-h" sort of moustache is... 213 00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:30,780 APPLAUSE 214 00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:34,820 Thank you. It's going to win a war, isn't it? 215 00:15:34,820 --> 00:15:40,380 But as you can see there, that's typical British soldiers, all of them with moustaches. 216 00:15:40,380 --> 00:15:46,020 I'm just imagining that that moustache is going to have its own website by the end of this. 217 00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:51,300 How long do you imagine the longest moustache in the world might be? 218 00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:53,220 24 feet. 219 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:56,820 - Well, that's a little bit too much. - OK. 12. 220 00:15:56,820 --> 00:16:01,460 - It's 14 feet. There it is. It's pretty impressive, isn't it? - Wow. 221 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,980 This man makes a living out of it. LAUGHTER 222 00:16:04,980 --> 00:16:10,260 He was in the film Octopussy. I don't know what he did with his moustache... 223 00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:13,740 - But it's pretty impressive. - Do you distrust him? 224 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,780 Deeply. 225 00:16:15,780 --> 00:16:20,180 If he turned up to do a bit of woodwork in the house 226 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:24,420 and he just... "I'll measure 14 feet." 227 00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:28,540 APPLAUSE 228 00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:30,780 I'd naturally... 229 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:37,340 - You wouldn't want to stand at a urinal. - Oh... 230 00:16:37,340 --> 00:16:41,300 - Oh, dear. - Trailing it around on the floor? 231 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,740 He's wringing them out! 232 00:16:43,740 --> 00:16:45,060 LAUGHTER 233 00:16:45,060 --> 00:16:49,460 - Did... When you were children, did you have Action Men toys? - Yes. 234 00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:54,540 If I was to show you a picture of an Action Man toy, what could you tell me about this particular one? 235 00:16:54,540 --> 00:16:56,460 - Oh, Lord! - That's the adventurer. 236 00:16:56,460 --> 00:17:00,140 Well, the adventurer just had a polo neck and jeans and boots. 237 00:17:00,140 --> 00:17:02,020 He seemed to be kind of a one-man band. 238 00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:05,660 - Yes, but this one is a member of an armed service. - Well, he'll be in the Navy. 239 00:17:05,660 --> 00:17:09,740 Exactly, because it's only in the Navy that you're allowed to grow a beard. 240 00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:13,580 Yes, yes. And there are three jolly Jack Tars. 241 00:17:13,580 --> 00:17:18,260 In the Disney Corporation, none of the staff can have facial hair. 242 00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:21,540 - Really? In Disney? - Or earrings or anything. 243 00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:25,820 There was a rather good story about Disney some years ago. 244 00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:29,980 There was a furious e-mail sent out by the head of human resources, or whatever, 245 00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,380 to all Disney employees, and said, 246 00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:38,060 "The Disney Corporation takes strong exception to the use by some employees 247 00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:43,900 "of the phrase 'Mauschwitz' to describe the Disney Corporation. 248 00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:50,580 - "If it is used again, anyone using it will be summarily fired." - Shot! 249 00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:56,420 Within half an hour, they were using the phrase "Duckau". 250 00:17:57,780 --> 00:18:00,940 I think it's very pleasing, isn't it? APPLAUSE 251 00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:09,380 It's interesting they didn't, in any way, see the irony of the fact people had been using a term - 252 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:12,460 a sort of fascist term - to refer to refer to their organisation. 253 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:17,580 - "Well, we'll put a stop to this!" - Yes, I know! Exactly. Exactly! 254 00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:22,260 You might like to see a picture of some interesting moustaches there. 255 00:18:22,260 --> 00:18:27,460 And I have actually... I have what you might call moustachabilia. 256 00:18:27,460 --> 00:18:32,100 These are real things used by people with moustaches. 257 00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:37,420 This is simply to drink. It's a silver, beautifully made thing you put in a cup 258 00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:41,140 so that you can sip through here without... 259 00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:46,100 - Without staining your moustache. - Keeps it out of it. - Nice and dry. 260 00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:50,540 With soup, you'd want a soup spoon. You just sip through that part. 261 00:18:50,540 --> 00:18:54,580 So you take your soup like so and you just...like that. 262 00:18:54,580 --> 00:19:00,380 Again, I keep my moustache nice and dry. What else have I got here? 263 00:19:00,380 --> 00:19:04,860 They hadn't invented the straw at this point? 264 00:19:04,860 --> 00:19:11,940 Albert Finney had this in Murder On The Orient Express. At night this went round your ears. 265 00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:14,260 Like that. Look at that. 266 00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:17,940 LAUGHTER Wh-What's that for, though? 267 00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:23,700 - You say you want to keep your moustache. Keep it from what? - Escaping! 268 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,620 APPLAUSE 269 00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:34,620 Wild creatures of the night? I don't know. 270 00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:40,220 - People might come and nibble at it. - There's a slight air of gimp about it. There is! 271 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:45,660 - Isn't there? - The odd thing is that people using that spoon and drink cover 272 00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:52,100 are people who don't want to look stupid. "I don't want to look like a complete arse, 273 00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:58,940 - "so excuse me while I get out all my paraphernalia." - It is true, what you are saying. 274 00:19:58,940 --> 00:20:03,340 Oh, dear. I'm going to take my moustache off now, cos it's causing me rather a lot of pain. 275 00:20:03,340 --> 00:20:07,980 Mm. Now, this is a question inspired by the International Brigade, 276 00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:13,020 who fought - as I'm sure you know - on the republican side in the Spanish Civil War. 277 00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:15,340 Which of these is the odd one out? 278 00:20:16,740 --> 00:20:22,980 - Machine gun. - Machine gun. - A tomato. - It's a Vickers. - Vickers? 279 00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:25,740 You asked which one is the odd one out. They ALL are! 280 00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:30,020 They're all the odd one out! They kind of are, aren't they? 281 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,940 Well, there is a misapprehension about jellyfish. 282 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:37,500 - If you're stung by a jellyfish, what are you supposed to do? - Wee on it. Yes. The odd thing is, 283 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:42,420 the jellyfish is the odd one out cos it's the only one you're NOT supposed to wee on. 284 00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:45,460 - You're supposed to wee on a tomato? - Yes. 285 00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:49,860 Weeing on tomatoes is good, and weeing on machine... 286 00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:53,300 DAVID: I've never been stung by a tomato. - Not for that reason. 287 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:58,380 If they'd known about the weeing in the First World War, it could've saved a lot of casualties! 288 00:20:58,380 --> 00:21:00,740 Well, it DID, actually. They did use them. 289 00:21:00,740 --> 00:21:02,900 After the first wave on the Somme, 290 00:21:02,900 --> 00:21:05,580 everyone's following with their cocks out? 291 00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:11,140 It's not quite like that. There's a little more to it, David. 292 00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:12,980 To get rid of the jellyfish first, 293 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:16,660 it's a fallacy to suggest that you should pee on a jellyfish sting. 294 00:21:16,660 --> 00:21:20,220 The best thing you can do is sea water, which is likely to be around anyway. 295 00:21:20,220 --> 00:21:22,340 Sometimes, acid is better than... 296 00:21:22,340 --> 00:21:24,620 But you can't be sure unless you know the species. 297 00:21:24,620 --> 00:21:28,620 But just leave it alone, and use sea water. Tomatoes? 298 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:32,060 Well, the fact is, the world is running out of phosphorus, 299 00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:35,940 and human urine is an extremely good fertiliser for tomatoes. 300 00:21:35,940 --> 00:21:38,380 When you said "urinate on tomatoes", 301 00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,900 I thought you meant instead of salad dressing. 302 00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:46,020 I agree - it was a laxly phrased question. 303 00:21:46,020 --> 00:21:51,220 We're quite happy to use animal manure in order to grow things and know that they grow well. 304 00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:54,260 I know. That's weird, isn't it? That's because I think we find - 305 00:21:54,260 --> 00:21:57,420 and this may be a function of our own self loathing. 306 00:21:57,420 --> 00:22:03,060 - We find our own excrement more disgusting than that of other creatures. - Speak for yourself! 307 00:22:06,980 --> 00:22:11,820 - What about the wee and the gun, though? Why is... - Now, the gun... 308 00:22:11,820 --> 00:22:15,700 - Now, what is the issue with machine guns? - They kill you dead. 309 00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:18,500 Dead, Stephen, dead. 310 00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:22,260 - As a... We have here... - A gun?! 311 00:22:22,260 --> 00:22:26,620 We have a gentleman from the Royal Armouries - welcome. 312 00:22:26,620 --> 00:22:28,420 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 313 00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:36,820 - Thank you very much. - He's not going to wee on it, is he?! 314 00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:39,060 We did ask if he would - he declined. 315 00:22:39,060 --> 00:22:41,580 He's left it unattended. Come on! 316 00:22:41,580 --> 00:22:45,860 It's a mark one Vickers, 1917 model, as used in the First World War. 317 00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:48,580 Used by the British Army all the way up to the Korean War. 318 00:22:48,580 --> 00:22:52,140 A very, very popular form, but the main problem for the operator 319 00:22:52,140 --> 00:22:57,060 - aside from them getting jammed occasionally - was overheating. So they had a jacket, 320 00:22:57,060 --> 00:22:59,500 - and they were water cooled. - Oh, OK. 321 00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:03,500 But very often, of course, you were fighting in places where there was no water. 322 00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:06,780 There's a jerry can - that's not where the water comes from. 323 00:23:06,780 --> 00:23:08,980 The water is poured into a hole in the top, 324 00:23:08,980 --> 00:23:13,740 and then it condenses and collects in the jerry can. You then reuse it. 325 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:17,260 But in the Spanish Civil War, the phrase "pass the piss" was used, 326 00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:19,420 and they would actually fill up jerry cans 327 00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:22,380 and use human urine to cool down the guns. 328 00:23:22,380 --> 00:23:25,700 It was the only way of doing it - there was no water. 329 00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:28,900 - Oh, I see. - Must have been horrible in the trenches - 330 00:23:28,900 --> 00:23:34,500 - not only the risk of being shot, but then, later, a very nasty cup of tea. - Yes! 331 00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:36,900 "Which jerry can did you use for the...?" 332 00:23:36,900 --> 00:23:40,140 Actually, Robert Graves, in his great novel Goodbye To All That, 333 00:23:40,140 --> 00:23:44,300 claims they used to make tea from the water used in the machine guns. 334 00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:48,540 - Yeah, yeah. Very unpleasant. - But that's not necessarily... - Pee water. 335 00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:53,340 There's no shortage of water in eastern France. 336 00:23:53,340 --> 00:23:58,860 No, hence I was saying it was the International Brigade, in particular - the drier parts of La Mancha. 337 00:23:58,860 --> 00:24:01,500 They probably made sangria out of it. 338 00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:04,340 The Russians actually made a gun with a hole in which to pee, 339 00:24:04,340 --> 00:24:07,420 they were so used to the idea that peeing into it would help. 340 00:24:07,420 --> 00:24:10,780 They gave a little peehole so you could pee straight into the gun. 341 00:24:10,780 --> 00:24:13,660 So you could pee and...while you're firing the gun. 342 00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,140 I don't think... 343 00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:21,460 Oh! Oh, that's good. Oh! 344 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,300 Oh, I needed that. 345 00:24:27,820 --> 00:24:29,380 What a relief! 346 00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:32,180 Well, there you are. That's really the answer, I suppose. 347 00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:37,420 The jellyfish is the odd one out, because it's the only one that isn't improved by being widdled upon. 348 00:24:37,420 --> 00:24:43,300 Maybe we can ask our lovely Royal Armouries friend to wheel away his Vickers now. Thank you very much. 349 00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:54,860 Now, what was Italy's biggest export in the year 1953? 350 00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:57,980 Er...frozen urine. 351 00:24:59,060 --> 00:25:01,420 KLAXONS WAIL 352 00:25:03,700 --> 00:25:09,100 - Urine? - Yes, urine. We know you, Bill Bailey. 353 00:25:09,100 --> 00:25:10,740 Would it be dried pasta? 354 00:25:10,740 --> 00:25:13,380 KLAXON WAILS Ooh, I'm sorry. 355 00:25:15,020 --> 00:25:19,420 It came from a place called Castelfidardo, and it's an object. 356 00:25:19,420 --> 00:25:23,940 - It had thousands of parts but a very complex mechanism. - Jigsaw. Jigsaw! 357 00:25:25,860 --> 00:25:28,500 In 1954, they were overtaken by Fiat, 358 00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:32,020 who then were the biggest exporter from Italy with their cars, 359 00:25:32,020 --> 00:25:34,460 but in the year 1953, amazingly, 360 00:25:34,460 --> 00:25:37,660 it was this object that Italy exported more than anything else. 361 00:25:37,660 --> 00:25:41,500 - It was a musical instrument, Bill. - Oh. Em, er... A hurdy-gurdy. 362 00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:45,740 - No, an accordion. - An accordion is the right answer! - Yes. - There you are. 363 00:25:47,940 --> 00:25:49,300 Rather extraordinary! 364 00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:56,420 There you are - it's the Italian town of Castelfidardo, 365 00:25:56,420 --> 00:25:59,700 which still makes them to this very day, and is proud to do so. 366 00:25:59,700 --> 00:26:05,700 Mm. Now what did Mussolini want Italians to eat to make them big and strong? 367 00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:09,060 He had a national propaganda day for this foodstuff 368 00:26:09,060 --> 00:26:12,420 and he wanted Italians to take to it. 369 00:26:12,420 --> 00:26:17,980 - Was it a vegetable? - Not quite. - Nuts. - Not nuts, no. 370 00:26:17,980 --> 00:26:22,620 - It's something Italians do eat. They have a specialist dish. - Polenta? - Very close. 371 00:26:22,620 --> 00:26:25,980 - What's a great Italian dish, apart from pasta? - Macaroni cheese. 372 00:26:25,980 --> 00:26:27,820 - R... - Ravioli? - Ri... 373 00:26:27,820 --> 00:26:33,980 - Risotto! - Which is made from...? - Rice. - Rice, exactly. 374 00:26:33,980 --> 00:26:39,580 And he wanted Italians off the habit of eating pasta and onto rice. 375 00:26:39,580 --> 00:26:46,620 - They didn't take kindly to this and so here are some... - Paddy fields. ..Italian ladies growing rice. 376 00:26:46,620 --> 00:26:49,980 - And singing while they do it. - As they did it. 377 00:26:49,980 --> 00:26:55,820 He had on his side the Futurists. You probably know about the Futurist movement. 378 00:26:55,820 --> 00:26:58,580 - Not yet. - Like the Dadaists... 379 00:26:58,580 --> 00:27:03,420 "Not yet". Very good! Much too quick. That was brilliant. 380 00:27:03,420 --> 00:27:08,340 The Futurists were an art movement and they were pretty witty. 381 00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:12,740 Filippo Tommaso Marinetti, one of the great Futurists, 382 00:27:12,740 --> 00:27:16,780 said pasta made Italians lethargic, pessimistic and sentimental. 383 00:27:16,780 --> 00:27:22,780 This caused outrage. He opened his own restaurant and had some extraordinary dishes. 384 00:27:22,780 --> 00:27:27,140 Way ahead of Heston Blumenthal and anybody like that. 385 00:27:27,140 --> 00:27:31,420 My favourite one is Aerofood. Pieces of olive, fennel and kumquat 386 00:27:31,420 --> 00:27:33,860 eaten with the right hand, 387 00:27:33,860 --> 00:27:40,500 while the left hand caresses various pieces of sandpaper, velvet and silk. 388 00:27:40,500 --> 00:27:46,660 All the while, the diner is blasted with a giant fan and sprayed with the scent of carnation 389 00:27:46,660 --> 00:27:48,700 to the music of Wagner. 390 00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:50,420 LAUGHTER 391 00:27:50,420 --> 00:27:53,460 Isn't that a dish? 392 00:27:54,460 --> 00:28:00,540 I think somebody should have the guts and the wit to open a Futurist restaurant. 393 00:28:00,540 --> 00:28:06,620 There was Chicken Fiat. The chicken is roasted with a handful of ball bearings inside. 394 00:28:06,620 --> 00:28:13,900 When the flesh has fully absorbed the flavour of the mild steel balls, it is served with whipped cream. 395 00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:21,260 And Excited Pig - a salami skinned is cooked in strong espresso coffee, flavoured with eau de cologne. 396 00:28:21,260 --> 00:28:22,820 GROANS 397 00:28:22,820 --> 00:28:25,300 Have you been to a motorway services? 398 00:28:26,420 --> 00:28:31,660 - I quite like the idea of a chicken that tastes a bit of metal. - Yes. 399 00:28:31,660 --> 00:28:35,140 I love the idea of stroking something while you're eating. 400 00:28:35,140 --> 00:28:39,020 Have you ever been to one of those - there's one in Berlin I went to - 401 00:28:39,020 --> 00:28:41,860 restaurants where it's completely dark? 402 00:28:41,860 --> 00:28:45,420 All the waiters are blind, and they lead you to your table, 403 00:28:45,420 --> 00:28:48,580 they recite the menu to you, and you order the food 404 00:28:48,580 --> 00:28:51,860 and it's put in front of you. You often use your fingers. 405 00:28:51,860 --> 00:28:54,500 It concentrates you entirely on the taste of the food. 406 00:28:54,500 --> 00:28:58,060 I know it sounds a bit weird, but it is a fantastic experience. 407 00:28:58,060 --> 00:29:00,780 I'm not saying you should go there every night. 408 00:29:00,780 --> 00:29:04,820 The kitchen - chefs wandering around with no fingers. 409 00:29:06,580 --> 00:29:08,500 I get stressed in restaurants, 410 00:29:08,500 --> 00:29:12,180 when the waiters don't write down your order. 411 00:29:12,180 --> 00:29:15,420 You know - "No, we're a cool restaurant, we can remember it." 412 00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:18,580 And you say, "Well, CAN you remember? Are you sure?" 413 00:29:18,580 --> 00:29:21,340 Because this is specifically what I have to eat. 414 00:29:21,340 --> 00:29:24,660 If I want to torture my mother, which... 415 00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:29,540 Then, it's a free country. 416 00:29:29,540 --> 00:29:32,060 Do what you like, Wing Commander. 417 00:29:32,060 --> 00:29:35,260 In a restaurant, she'll say, "What are you going to have?" 418 00:29:35,260 --> 00:29:38,260 You say, "I'm not telling you. I'm going to tell the waiter." 419 00:29:38,260 --> 00:29:42,140 - "No, tell me what you're going to have." - "Waterboarding for you, Mother." 420 00:29:42,140 --> 00:29:45,620 There ARE people who cannot... Who just can't bear it 421 00:29:45,620 --> 00:29:48,340 unless they know what everyone else is going to order. 422 00:29:48,340 --> 00:29:51,820 So it does drive my mother slightly potty not to tell her. 423 00:29:51,820 --> 00:29:53,860 Now, as far as pasta is concerned, 424 00:29:53,860 --> 00:29:58,140 what sort of sauces fit what sort of pasta? 425 00:29:58,140 --> 00:30:00,940 Do you think there's a rule that you should apply? 426 00:30:00,940 --> 00:30:02,940 The Italians have a kind of code, 427 00:30:02,940 --> 00:30:06,900 that certain pastas hold more sauce, so if it's a very strong flavour, 428 00:30:06,900 --> 00:30:10,900 you want a pasta like the little shell-shaped ones. 429 00:30:10,900 --> 00:30:13,780 Anything hollow, they reckon should have a tomatoey one, 430 00:30:13,780 --> 00:30:17,460 because it's more liquid and it fills the inside of the tube, as well. 431 00:30:17,460 --> 00:30:21,980 - They also don't have Parmesan on, by any means, any of it. - They often regard that as vulgar. 432 00:30:21,980 --> 00:30:26,340 - And Bolognese is just for idiots. - Yeah. 'Fraid so, yeah. 433 00:30:26,340 --> 00:30:29,580 And the other major thing is that we use about four times more sauce 434 00:30:29,580 --> 00:30:31,380 on the pasta than the Italians do. 435 00:30:31,380 --> 00:30:33,340 They just basically coat the pasta with the sauce. 436 00:30:33,340 --> 00:30:37,820 The point is, though, they just have pasta as one of many courses in an elegant meal. 437 00:30:37,820 --> 00:30:42,420 We say, "Oh, pasta's a great way of getting the whole chore of feeding ourselves over with, 438 00:30:42,420 --> 00:30:46,300 "in one great stodgy go. We'll have loads. 439 00:30:46,300 --> 00:30:50,900 "I'll have a pile of it, until I just can't face another mouthful." 440 00:30:50,900 --> 00:30:54,020 Exactly. You're looking at the cooking instructions. 441 00:30:54,020 --> 00:30:55,980 "Serves what?" 442 00:30:55,980 --> 00:30:57,700 APPLAUSE 443 00:30:58,980 --> 00:31:02,260 "Serves four? Nah! I'll double that, I think." 444 00:31:02,260 --> 00:31:05,900 I regard myself, in some ways, as a sophisticated being and, yet, 445 00:31:05,900 --> 00:31:10,420 I'm not even ashamed of the fact that I love spaghetti hoops on toast. I just do! 446 00:31:10,420 --> 00:31:15,660 That's what the Italians wouldn't understand - the thing to do with pasta is to put it on toast. 447 00:31:15,660 --> 00:31:19,340 Is that what you do after a show? Go home, get some spaghetti hoops, heat them, 448 00:31:19,340 --> 00:31:23,380 put the toast on, turn the lights out, put the blindfold on... 449 00:31:29,500 --> 00:31:33,020 My life! That's my life! 450 00:31:34,580 --> 00:31:40,060 Moving to another country now, which international head of state 451 00:31:40,060 --> 00:31:45,300 snubbed Jesse Owens after his triumph at the 1936 Olympics? 452 00:31:45,300 --> 00:31:47,900 - Yes, Jack? - Hitler. 453 00:31:48,860 --> 00:31:54,300 KLAXON SOUNDS Oddly enough, it's not true. It's what the whole world thinks. 454 00:31:54,300 --> 00:31:59,820 And we know this from no greater source than Jesse Owens himself. 455 00:31:59,820 --> 00:32:04,460 It's a really rather sad and very typically unfortunate story. 456 00:32:04,460 --> 00:32:11,100 Jesse Owens won four gold medals at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, stage-managed, of course, by Hitler. 457 00:32:11,100 --> 00:32:16,260 On the first day, Hitler congratulated only German winners. 458 00:32:16,260 --> 00:32:22,020 Someone said to him that he should either congratulate all the winners or none of them, 459 00:32:22,020 --> 00:32:28,100 - so he said, "I won't congratulate any winners." So he didn't personally... - Look at the far right. 460 00:32:28,100 --> 00:32:32,500 ..he didn't personally congratulate Jesse Owens. LAUGHTER 461 00:32:32,500 --> 00:32:34,420 Who are you looking at there? 462 00:32:34,420 --> 00:32:38,620 The bloke on the far right is just going like that. 463 00:32:38,620 --> 00:32:42,380 That bloke on the far right is called Hermann Goering. 464 00:32:42,380 --> 00:32:44,860 LAUGHTER 465 00:32:44,860 --> 00:32:48,340 - Surely they're all on the far right? - Hey! 466 00:32:49,740 --> 00:32:52,300 Wa-hey! APPLAUSE 467 00:32:52,300 --> 00:32:54,620 Brilliant! 468 00:32:57,620 --> 00:33:02,580 They're all taking bets on how high the high jump was going to go. 469 00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:08,340 - "About there." - The one on Hitler's left is thinking, "I didn't get the memo." 470 00:33:08,340 --> 00:33:10,580 How To Dress. 471 00:33:10,580 --> 00:33:16,620 Well, no, it is rather sad. Hitler decided that he wouldn't congratulate anyone, 472 00:33:16,620 --> 00:33:21,260 so he didn't snub Jesse Owens at all. According to Jesse Owens, 473 00:33:21,260 --> 00:33:25,700 "When I passed the Chancellor, he arose, waved his hand at me 474 00:33:25,700 --> 00:33:31,340 "and I waved back at him. Hitler didn't snub me. It was..." Who snubbed him? 475 00:33:31,340 --> 00:33:36,500 - So Hitler wasn't such a bad guy after all... - The jury's still out. 476 00:33:36,500 --> 00:33:41,100 - We know he's bad, but he didn't snub Jesse Owens. - The King of England. 477 00:33:41,100 --> 00:33:43,620 - No, FDR. - Bastard. 478 00:33:43,620 --> 00:33:48,380 The President of his own country. It's a terrible story here. 479 00:33:48,380 --> 00:33:53,220 "The President didn't even send me a telegram." He won four golds. 480 00:33:53,220 --> 00:33:59,060 "When I came back to my native country, I couldn't ride in the front of the bus, 481 00:33:59,060 --> 00:34:06,300 "I had to go to the back door, I wasn't invited to the White House to shake hands with the President." 482 00:34:06,300 --> 00:34:12,220 He had to use the goods lift at the Waldorf Astoria to get into the reception 483 00:34:12,220 --> 00:34:17,020 for returning US athletes as he wasn't to use the front door. 484 00:34:17,020 --> 00:34:23,420 - Sammy Davis Junior couldn't go in the front of hotels in Vegas where he was performing. - Astonishing. 485 00:34:23,420 --> 00:34:28,940 - He went in through the kitchen. - I know. That still happens to me sometimes. 486 00:34:28,940 --> 00:34:34,820 Moving on elsewhere again, where does the rainwater that falls into this creek go? 487 00:34:34,820 --> 00:34:38,860 It's in Wyoming, I should say. FANFARE 488 00:34:38,860 --> 00:34:41,780 - 'Nobody knows!' - You're right! 489 00:34:41,780 --> 00:34:43,540 CHEERING 490 00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:45,420 Well done! 491 00:34:46,780 --> 00:34:48,820 All right! 492 00:34:52,460 --> 00:34:58,340 You're very good at this. As you probably know, round about the Rockies 493 00:34:58,340 --> 00:35:04,380 there is the Continental Divide and rainwater that falls on one side drains into the Pacific, 494 00:35:04,380 --> 00:35:09,700 the other to the Atlantic, but in this particular place... LAUGHTER 495 00:35:09,700 --> 00:35:12,740 Nobody knows. 496 00:35:12,740 --> 00:35:17,100 - It's called North Two Ocean Creek in Wyoming. - It's a big one. 497 00:35:17,100 --> 00:35:22,540 LAUGHTER Nobody, as you rightly say, knows. And there it is. 498 00:35:22,540 --> 00:35:29,220 Now fasten your seatbelts as we head into a spot of unexpected general ignorance. 499 00:35:29,220 --> 00:35:32,140 Name the world's largest pyramid. 500 00:35:33,900 --> 00:35:36,220 Don't know the name of any. 501 00:35:36,220 --> 00:35:38,740 That one in the middle. LAUGHTER 502 00:35:38,740 --> 00:35:40,780 KLAXON 503 00:35:45,140 --> 00:35:48,100 Oh, Jack! I'm so sorry. 504 00:35:48,100 --> 00:35:52,900 - Am I really that predictable? - I'm afraid you are. Terrible thought. 505 00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:59,380 Well, well, I don't know. I'm going to say something that will be wrong, like Giza. 506 00:35:59,380 --> 00:36:01,820 Well, that's where we're looking. 507 00:36:01,820 --> 00:36:06,740 - The three great pyramids of Giza. - It's not an Aztec one, is it? 508 00:36:06,740 --> 00:36:12,020 Yes, it is. I don't expect you to know its name. If you did, you'd get 40 points. 509 00:36:12,020 --> 00:36:16,780 I don't know its name, but I'll spit out some consonants! 510 00:36:16,780 --> 00:36:21,140 - It's called Cholula. - Ah, Cholula! 511 00:36:21,140 --> 00:36:27,260 - It was on the tip of my tongue. - It's not Opl-lopl-opl...? - No, it's not Popocatepetl. 512 00:36:27,260 --> 00:36:33,780 It's Cholula. Although it's got a flat top and it's not as high, its cubic capacity is much bigger. 513 00:36:33,780 --> 00:36:39,620 It's 4.3 million cubic yards as opposed to Khufu or Cheops' 3.36. 514 00:36:39,620 --> 00:36:45,660 - It's not actually a pyramid. - According to archaeologists, that qualifies as a pyramid. 515 00:36:45,660 --> 00:36:49,420 There is a word for a pyramid with a flat top. 516 00:36:49,420 --> 00:36:52,820 Unfinished. LAUGHTER 517 00:36:54,300 --> 00:36:56,340 APPLAUSE 518 00:36:56,340 --> 00:36:58,340 It's on the sign. 519 00:36:58,340 --> 00:37:02,260 "Due for completion early BC497." 520 00:37:02,260 --> 00:37:05,780 It's called a frustum. Name the world's fattest country. 521 00:37:06,980 --> 00:37:09,340 Or the country with the fattest citizens. 522 00:37:09,340 --> 00:37:12,300 - Cos otherwise I'd say it would be Russia. - No. - Tonga. 523 00:37:12,300 --> 00:37:15,060 - Not Tonga. No. - Fiji. 524 00:37:15,060 --> 00:37:18,300 No, but you're absolutely in the right area, you've correctly... 525 00:37:18,300 --> 00:37:21,180 - Vanuatu. - No, you're abso... 526 00:37:21,180 --> 00:37:23,540 - You're so... Oh! - The Cook Islands. 527 00:37:23,540 --> 00:37:25,780 - So close to round there. - Fiji. 528 00:37:25,780 --> 00:37:26,900 It begins with N. 529 00:37:26,900 --> 00:37:28,220 Nnnn... 530 00:37:28,220 --> 00:37:29,700 Nyuh! 531 00:37:29,700 --> 00:37:31,620 Nnn-not Tonga. 532 00:37:31,620 --> 00:37:32,820 Nauru. 533 00:37:32,820 --> 00:37:34,420 Near Tonga. 534 00:37:34,420 --> 00:37:35,700 North Tonga! 535 00:37:36,740 --> 00:37:37,980 Nnn-never Tonga. 536 00:37:37,980 --> 00:37:39,300 Is it Nauru? 537 00:37:39,300 --> 00:37:41,700 Now! Exactly, yes. 538 00:37:41,700 --> 00:37:43,620 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 539 00:37:43,620 --> 00:37:45,500 In your face! 540 00:37:48,260 --> 00:37:50,620 It only has a population of 10,000 people, 541 00:37:50,620 --> 00:37:55,260 but 97% of the men are obese or overweight and 93% of women are obese or overweight. 542 00:37:55,260 --> 00:37:59,380 - I remember they had a one-man Olympic team and he was in the weightlifting. - Yes. 543 00:37:59,380 --> 00:38:02,500 They get rather upset at being called obese and they say they're a stocky people 544 00:38:02,500 --> 00:38:03,900 - and... - Big boned. 545 00:38:03,900 --> 00:38:05,420 Big boned, exactly. Exactly. 546 00:38:05,420 --> 00:38:08,020 - It's their metabolism. - Well, I'm afraid the fact is, 547 00:38:08,020 --> 00:38:10,500 you can't really put on weight, as I know to my cost, 548 00:38:10,500 --> 00:38:12,500 unless you put things in your mouth. 549 00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:14,580 That's where it comes from. 550 00:38:14,580 --> 00:38:18,700 When was the First World War first named as such? 551 00:38:20,260 --> 00:38:24,540 The outbreak. The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. 552 00:38:24,540 --> 00:38:28,580 - You think it was straightaway? - Before it started. 553 00:38:28,580 --> 00:38:34,100 It would be an act of a pessimist to call it that early. 554 00:38:34,100 --> 00:38:39,700 - It's going to be some point after 1939, isn't it? - A realist, surely. 555 00:38:39,700 --> 00:38:42,620 "There's going to be more of these." KLAXON 556 00:38:44,660 --> 00:38:49,340 Excuse me! I think what I said, people in the box, 557 00:38:49,340 --> 00:38:51,540 is AFTER 1939, 558 00:38:51,540 --> 00:38:55,220 which may contain 1939, but does not mean it. 559 00:38:55,220 --> 00:38:57,180 KLAXON 560 00:38:58,700 --> 00:39:01,820 OK... No, no, no. 561 00:39:01,820 --> 00:39:07,980 I think "After 1939" and "After the Second World War" are not synonymous. 562 00:39:07,980 --> 00:39:12,420 This is just giving you time to type "After 1939". 563 00:39:12,420 --> 00:39:14,300 KLAXON 564 00:39:16,980 --> 00:39:18,580 Oh... 565 00:39:18,580 --> 00:39:22,540 Why not just type, "Mitchell is a cock"? 566 00:39:24,300 --> 00:39:27,940 I wouldn't put it past them! LAUGHTER 567 00:39:27,940 --> 00:39:34,940 No, the surprising news is that it was in 1918 that it was first called the First World War. 568 00:39:34,940 --> 00:39:39,380 A British officer, Lt Col Charles a Court Repington, 569 00:39:39,380 --> 00:39:45,700 recorded in his diary for 10th September that he met Major Johnstone of Harvard University 570 00:39:45,700 --> 00:39:51,540 to discuss what to call the war. Repington said to call it The War was no good. 571 00:39:51,540 --> 00:39:56,340 - That War? - To call it the German War gave too much credit to the Boche. 572 00:39:56,340 --> 00:40:02,380 "I suggested the World War," Repington said, "Finally, we agreed to call it the First World War 573 00:40:02,380 --> 00:40:08,420 "to prevent the millennium folk from forgetting that the history of the world was the history of war." 574 00:40:08,420 --> 00:40:13,620 In 1920 he published a book called The First World War, 1914-18. 575 00:40:13,620 --> 00:40:19,820 - Wasn't it called The Great War? - Yes, but there was another Great War before that. Do you know it? 576 00:40:19,820 --> 00:40:25,900 - Napoleonic War? - Napoleonic, yes. So wars do change their names. There you are. 577 00:40:25,900 --> 00:40:28,740 Supplementary on this international question, 578 00:40:28,740 --> 00:40:33,780 why did the colonels in chief of the Royal Dragoons and the 1st King's Dragoon Guards 579 00:40:33,780 --> 00:40:36,820 fail to turn up for duty at the start of the First World War? 580 00:40:36,820 --> 00:40:39,420 They were entwined in an embrace. 581 00:40:45,180 --> 00:40:50,540 - Only now can we reveal the truth. - It was one of those embarrassing things about... Oh, I know! - Yes? 582 00:40:50,540 --> 00:40:52,340 Because it was Kaiser Bill. 583 00:40:52,340 --> 00:40:56,740 Yes. Kaiser Bill was in fact the colonel in chief of the Royal Dragoons, 584 00:40:56,740 --> 00:41:00,820 and Franz Joseph Habsburg was the colonel in chief of the King's Dragoons, 585 00:41:00,820 --> 00:41:04,740 - so... - That's a security risk, that. - It was a bit, wasn't it? 586 00:41:04,740 --> 00:41:09,780 If it turned out that Osama bin Laden was actually an admiral of the fleet, 587 00:41:09,780 --> 00:41:11,500 that would have been a nightmare. 588 00:41:11,500 --> 00:41:15,500 We appointed Emperor Hirohito a field marshal in the 1930s though, 589 00:41:15,500 --> 00:41:19,420 so we carried on doing this. There was a bit of embarrassment when they had to go to war 590 00:41:19,420 --> 00:41:23,100 with their colonel in chief. It was eventually sorted out, 591 00:41:23,100 --> 00:41:25,260 and we pretty much spanked their botties. 592 00:41:25,260 --> 00:41:26,620 We pretty much did. 593 00:41:26,620 --> 00:41:29,460 - So... - Only four years of carnage. - Yes. Quite. 594 00:41:29,460 --> 00:41:31,380 And lastly, 595 00:41:31,380 --> 00:41:34,260 on the international journey that we've been enjoying, 596 00:41:34,260 --> 00:41:36,740 who invented this salute? 597 00:41:36,740 --> 00:41:39,100 - The Scouts. - The Scouts, no. 598 00:41:39,100 --> 00:41:42,540 Is this a kind of "who were the first fascists" question? 599 00:41:42,540 --> 00:41:43,860 Not really, no. 600 00:41:43,860 --> 00:41:46,860 Who actually used this as a salute first, do we know? 601 00:41:46,860 --> 00:41:48,580 Oh! Was it a Roman? 602 00:41:48,580 --> 00:41:51,020 Ah... No. KLAXON 603 00:41:51,020 --> 00:41:53,020 Unfortunately not. 604 00:41:53,020 --> 00:41:56,780 It was basically the French Classical artists, notably David, 605 00:41:56,780 --> 00:42:00,340 - the leading French Classical artist, who... - Artists have a salute?! 606 00:42:00,340 --> 00:42:05,300 They painted Romans doing this, but there is no evidence in Roman literature, murals or art 607 00:42:05,300 --> 00:42:08,780 - that Romans ever did this as a salute. - They're bound to have done. 608 00:42:08,780 --> 00:42:13,340 - At some point, I mean... - They might have put their arms out, but it wasn't used as a salute. 609 00:42:13,340 --> 00:42:16,820 It just became a common idea that they did this. 610 00:42:16,820 --> 00:42:20,460 And so it then became very much a symbol of the Olympic movement, 611 00:42:20,460 --> 00:42:23,020 it was the Olympic salute, until 1936. 612 00:42:23,020 --> 00:42:28,940 Um, and also, American school children when they took the Oath Of Allegiance they did that. 613 00:42:28,940 --> 00:42:32,580 - And then again, once it became a fascist salute... - Now they do... 614 00:42:34,420 --> 00:42:39,780 It's a strange thought that the Nazi salute was in fact American school children and Olympic athletes 615 00:42:39,780 --> 00:42:43,460 who first used it. There you are, wasn't invented by the Nazis at all. 616 00:42:43,460 --> 00:42:49,500 And with that we reach our final destination. Please remain seated for the scores. 617 00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:55,140 My goodness, me. Well, I'm afraid very much in the bucket class, 618 00:42:55,140 --> 00:42:58,460 with minus 44, is David Mitchell! 619 00:42:58,460 --> 00:43:00,900 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 620 00:43:05,860 --> 00:43:09,620 Standing room only at the back. With minus 27 it's Jack Dee! 621 00:43:09,620 --> 00:43:11,660 APPLAUSE 622 00:43:13,860 --> 00:43:19,500 - With a surprising amount of leg room, at minus 10, Alan Davies! - Thank you. 623 00:43:19,500 --> 00:43:27,300 Which means... that tonight's First Class passenger with four points is Bill Bailey! 624 00:43:27,300 --> 00:43:30,140 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 625 00:43:35,460 --> 00:43:41,300 So thank you for flying with QI International. My cabin crew, David, Jack, Bill and Alan, and I 626 00:43:41,300 --> 00:43:47,340 wish you a pleasant onward journey. And don't forget the wise words of Halvard Lange, PM of Norway, 627 00:43:47,340 --> 00:43:53,980 who said, "We do not regard Englishmen as foreigners. We look on them as rather mad Norwegians." 628 00:43:53,980 --> 00:43:55,900 Good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net