1 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:32,040 Go-o-o-o-o-od evening, 3 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:35,720 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,160 and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:41,480 where we have an ill-assorted imbroglio of interesting items 6 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,840 initiated by I. 7 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:48,760 Here for your immediate inspection are the inestimable John Bishop... 8 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:51,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,720 ..the inimitable Frank Skinner. 10 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:04,280 - The incomparable Sean Lock. - Thank you. 12 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,440 And Alan Davies is also in. 14 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:21,320 Now, this evening the buzzers are intentionally irritating. 16 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,200 John goes... 17 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,800 MOSQUITO WHINE 18 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,360 Frank goes... 19 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:37,080 SMALL DOG YAPPING 20 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:47,880 Can I ask, how long is this show? 21 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:51,360 LAUGHTER It depends how often you use the buzzer. 22 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,040 Sean goes... 23 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,480 TODDLER SCREAMS 24 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,880 And Alan goes... "WRONG AGAIN" ALARM 25 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 26 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,840 As John and Frank have never played the game before, 27 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:18,600 I should explain that each of you has a Nobody Knows placard. 28 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:22,240 - You might like to show it. It's a question mark. - Nobody knows. 29 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:27,080 That's it. There will be a question tonight to which nobody knows the answer. 30 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:32,120 If you think, when I ask it, that this is the question to which there is no known answer, 31 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,560 you wave your card and you get extra points. 32 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,720 It looks like they had Strictly Come Dancing one night, 33 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,680 and someone did a dance so experimental... 34 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,120 LAUGHTER 35 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:45,200 You can consider it that way. 36 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,800 Now, to warm up the new boys, here's an easy one to begin with. 37 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,480 What's the French for "innuendo"? 38 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,600 Is it "double entendre"? 39 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,040 "WRONG AGAIN" ALARM Ohhhhh! 40 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:01,920 No, I've just remembered, "double entendre" is French for "big tits". 41 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,560 LAUGHTER 42 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:09,200 "Double entendre" means nothing to a Frenchman. You could say "double entente". 43 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,120 - "Entente" is like a... - Two-man tent. 44 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:20,440 No. Or "double sens", double sense. But they don't say "double entendre". 45 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,400 So it's a French phrase that the French don't use? 46 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,040 - So it's not French. - Exactly. 47 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,000 That's precisely what this round of questions is about. 48 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,880 There are other examples. If you're at a performance, 49 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:34,160 someone is very brilliant, you want them to perform again... 50 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:39,280 - Encore! - You'd shout "encore". What would they shout in France? - "More". 51 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,080 No. But good thought! 52 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:46,120 But "encore" is a French word meaning "more", but they don't shout it. 53 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:49,640 They shout a Latin word which means "twice". 54 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,680 - Mm. Mm. - Anyone? 55 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,280 Anyone in the audience? CALLS FROM AUDIENCE 56 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,120 Bis. B-I-S. 57 00:03:56,120 --> 00:04:00,840 - Bis! Bis! - That's crap. - They should try "encore". 58 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,520 You'd hate to do a show, wouldn't you, 59 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,760 and at the end, everyone goes "Bis". 60 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,600 "Bi-i-i-i-is!" 61 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,520 - It's like that. - MOSQUITO WHINE 62 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,240 APPLAUSE 63 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,720 There are other phrases which we use, which sound French, 64 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,920 but again mean nothing to a Frenchman. 65 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,520 "Cause celebre" is not a French phrase. 66 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,800 Like "en-suite" for a bathroom, the French would go, "What?" 67 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,840 What about "bidet"? 68 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:34,400 "Bidet", they do indeed have, though it's easier to do a handstand in the shower, to be honest. 69 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,840 LAUGHTER 70 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:40,240 And if you want the expense of-of a bidet... 71 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:44,000 - "Easier"? - If you're as nimble as I am. 72 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,160 I'd pay good money to see that. 73 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,280 I'd like to see you with a camera, going, "Tweet this." 74 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,240 The trouble is with the handstand in the shower, though, 75 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,440 it's like when you see a mountain stream, and you think, 76 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:08,120 "The water looks all right but I don't know where it's been." 77 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:12,000 When you're upside down and this water is pouring across your face, 78 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,960 lodging in your nostrils, and you know that it's been... 79 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,720 LAUGHTER Well, that's a worry. 80 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:25,320 I had a friend who had read somewhere that if you slept upside down, it made you more intelligent 81 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,480 - because the blood went to your brain. - Went to your brain. 82 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:34,200 And I became obsessed with the idea that he would have a wet dream and die. 83 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,640 LAUGHTER 84 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:43,800 Oh, that's so... In so many ways, a horrific image. 85 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:51,520 This guy also told us, that a Chinese Burn, is called a Chinese Burn, because in China, 86 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,160 it's a form of torture. 87 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,120 - I was told that at school. - It's the sort of thing school... 88 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:01,120 So a student in Tiananmen Square is stopped and a soldier says, "You, 89 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,600 "Come here, come here, arm out." 90 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,920 LAUGHTER 91 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,480 "Be careful, next time..." 92 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,000 "Next time, it be dead leg." 93 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:16,560 - I like the way you resisted the opportunity to go "dead reg." - Oh! 94 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,520 - Yeah, we're not ready for those jokes yet. - Oh, no, no, no. 95 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:24,040 So yes, there are words we use, "decolletage", for example, we use for the... 96 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,640 The French use "decollete" for that. 97 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,200 Excuse me, when you say "we", you mean you. 98 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,640 LAUGHTER 99 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,520 Well, it's not a common phrase. 100 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:38,280 No, it's not. Nobody says, "Look at the decolletage on that." 101 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,800 You never stop learning. 102 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:44,640 I've already learned how to say to my teenage sons, "Look at the knockers on that" 103 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,720 without their mum getting annoyed. 104 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,080 And now you can say "decolletage". 105 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,160 "Decolletage"! 106 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:56,840 Also, "en-suite", which is used commonly these days for a bathroom connected to a bedroom. 107 00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:01,120 - In France, they didn't use... - (COCKNEY) And of course, the en-suite. 108 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,280 - It's - commonly - used. 109 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:09,120 There's a Greek phrase. The Greeks say "Katatraya stayeftika", I think it is. 110 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,040 And it means, "Who gives a shit?" 111 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:15,680 But literally, it means, "There is trouble in the gypsy village." 112 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,680 LAUGHTER 113 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,000 It's true. 114 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:28,720 Depending how high you are up socially, it's right, isn't it? 115 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,640 Posh people wouldn't give a shit. 116 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:36,960 Anyway, that's the point. You can ask a Frenchman for a double entendre if you like, 117 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,160 but you'll be lucky if he gives you one. 118 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:41,920 Not to some... LAUGHTER 119 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,480 Thank you very much. 120 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,520 Now to some I-tunes. 121 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,160 Who wrote the songs, I'm Leaning On A Lamppost 122 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,320 and When I'm Cleaning Windows? 123 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,480 SMALL DOG YAPPING 124 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,680 Definitely not George Formby, 125 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:03,440 even though his wife Beryl insisted George had a credit so that he'd get money. 126 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,360 You're absolutely right, and you're a bit of a fan of George Formby? 127 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:08,880 I am indeed, yeah. 128 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,720 I'm Leaning On A Lamppost was one of his big hits. 129 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,400 Wasn't When I'm Cleaning Windows a bit dodgy? 130 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:18,160 Well, there was a phrase, "The blushing bride, she looks divine 131 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,120 "The bridegroom, he is doing fine 132 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,120 "I'd rather have his job than mine 133 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,920 "When I'm cleaning windows." 134 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,360 The BBC banned it. 135 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:30,920 However, George Formby was invited to perform at Windsor in front of the Royal Family in 1941, 136 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,480 and some troops, during the War, obviously, 137 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,640 and the Queen Mother insisted he sing the song properly, with no cuts. 138 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:42,360 She loved it, and asked him to sing it another three times. But the BBC still banned it. 139 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:45,560 There's a George Formby lyric, my favourite double entendre, 140 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,640 and he says, "I wonder who's under her balcony now, 141 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:52,200 "Who's kissing my girl. Does he kiss her under the nose 142 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:56,200 "Or underneath the archway where the Sweet William grows?" 143 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,640 Whoa! 144 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,320 You're a special group, George Formby fans, 145 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:04,640 and it's usual amongst George Formby fans, I believe, 146 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:08,600 that they teach themselves the banjolele, and as you are one, 147 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,840 we have a banjolele. 148 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,200 Can you delight us with some Formby? 149 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,000 - Am I on the spot? - I don't know if it's tuned but... 150 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,280 Don't worry about that. "My dog has fleas", is what you need to remember. 151 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,960 # My dog has... # Oh, this one doesn't have fleas, he has distemper. 152 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,200 LAUGHTER 153 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:31,800 That, um, When I'm Cleaning Windows has got another bit that goes, 154 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,640 # Eight o'clock, a girl awakes At ten past eight a bath she takes 155 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:40,240 # At quarter past, my ladder breaks When I'm cleaning windows. # 156 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,760 LAUGHTER 157 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,800 Er, there's a bit that goes... 158 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,680 # There's a famous movie queen She looks a beauty on the screen 159 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:58,080 # She's more like 80 than 18 When I'm cleaning windows 160 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:02,640 # She takes her hair down all behind Then takes down her never mind 161 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:07,120 # And finally takes down the blind When I'm cleaning windows. # 162 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,560 Cheeky! 163 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,480 APPLAUSE 164 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,400 Brilliant! 165 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,320 Thank you very much. 166 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:23,480 So, what is it about George Formby? He was one of the biggest film stars of his time in Britain, wasn't he? 167 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,480 I went to his grave, and 168 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:31,920 there's a massive great, white stone, and the big face and it says, 169 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:35,080 "George Formby." And it's a massive monument, 170 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,200 and when you get closer, you realise, it's his dad. 171 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,800 He was Junior, wasn't he? 172 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,120 His dad was a massive music hall star, and at the bottom it says, 173 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,120 "Also George Formby, OBE." Blah, blah, blah. 174 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,160 So he got terrible billing, even on his own grave. 175 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:54,160 And the wife you alluded to, Beryl, was fanatically jealous. 176 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,080 I mean, if a make-up girl on a film so much as smiled at him, 177 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,120 she'd have her sacked, wouldn't she? 178 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:03,000 Indeed, but I think George got away with quite a lot of saucy... 179 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,960 - (AS GEORGE FORMBY) Turned out nice again. - Exactly. It turned out nice quite a lot! 180 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:11,480 George used to say that Beryl only gave him five bob a week pocket money, 181 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,560 but his brother claimed, after George died, 182 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,840 that that was something that George came up with, 183 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,800 so when he was in the bar, he'd say, "I'd love to get a round in, 184 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,480 "but Beryl only gives me five bob a week." 185 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:27,280 There is a tradition, I don't know if it exists in other languages, 186 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:32,120 or whether it's peculiarly English, of the tradition of Frankie Howerd, Carry On. 187 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,320 It must exist in other languages. It must. 188 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:35,720 I guess it must. 189 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,880 Even in America, it doesn't really. 190 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:41,840 - They don't seem to set the same store. - They seem a bit more mature, maybe. 191 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,280 Maybe they are more mature! 192 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,480 More sophisticated. They've got over it. 193 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:50,160 "Yeah, that did us until we were about eight." 194 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,800 In other countries, that symbolism is terribly sad, 195 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,360 portentous and awful. 196 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:58,000 - All of Ibsen's plays are about... - Yes, true. 197 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,480 The Master Builder's about towers and erections, 198 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:06,560 and it just means the man's sad and lusts after women he can't possibly have. 199 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,640 Everyone sits in the theatre, going, "Oh, God, this is awful." 200 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,280 In England, it would be Benny Hill going.... 201 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:21,640 They can be clever, those innuendos. There used to be a joke, "She was only a so-and-so's daughter... 202 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,480 She was only a road-mender's daughter but she liked having her ass felt, 203 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,680 - or whatever it was. - That's it. LAUGHTER 204 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:32,840 She was only a fishmonger's daughter, but she could lay it on the slab and say, "fillet". 205 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 206 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,600 Does anyone recognise the photograph behind you, where that's from? 207 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,240 That's from Round The Horne. 208 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,240 A hugely successful radio series of the 1960s. 209 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:54,720 That's Kenneth Horne in the middle and they pushed the boundaries of innuendo, probably further 210 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,320 than they'd ever been pushed in British comic life, 211 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:02,240 especially with Kenneth Williams and Hugh Paddick who played a couple called Jules and Sandy. 212 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:06,800 who basically used gay slang, in the 1960s, lunchtime Radio 2 comedy 213 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:11,240 at a time when millions were listening. They were doing extraordinary stuff. 214 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:15,080 But that was the great thing. They'd got that Polari thing going, 215 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,040 they had their own language, so they could say, "Oh God, 216 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:22,440 "my lallies are so tired," and people literally had no idea. 217 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:23,880 But it sounded funny. 218 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,320 - That's right, yeah, I know. - And as long as you go, 219 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,360 "Oooer," every now and again... 220 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:31,880 I know. I know. Anyway, there you are. 221 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:36,920 That's probably enough innuendo. 222 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:42,840 If I see another double entendre, I'll whip it out and probably stick a blue pencil through it. 223 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,520 Now to an initiative test. 224 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:49,000 I want everybody here, and I'm including the audience, 225 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,360 our lovely audience, I want you to think of your favourite colour 226 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:58,960 and on the count of three, I want you to shout it out, as loud as you can. All right? 227 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,640 It affects everyone in the room. OK? One, two, three... 228 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,000 ALL SHOUT 229 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,720 OK. So, Frank. What did John shout? 230 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,280 LAUGHTER 231 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,800 I was mainly listening to me. 232 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,000 Yes. 233 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,000 - Do you know what Frank shouted? - Pink. 234 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,400 - Did you shout, "Pink?" - No. 235 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,160 Do you know what Alan shouted? 236 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,120 Red. 237 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,240 - Did you shout, "Red?" - No. 238 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,800 - Do you know what Sean shouted? - Blue. 239 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:35,520 - I thought you shouted, "Yellow." What did you shout? - Blue. Oh. - That was a guess, wasn't it? 240 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:39,360 I thought he shouted blue. He was really loud. 241 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:45,080 The fact is, it's very common, and these are use in tests for teamwork, 242 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:49,440 it's very common for people not to listen to other people when they are speaking. 243 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:53,280 It's not unusual, if you're making a noise yourself, 244 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,640 - to be... - Sorry? - What? 245 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,440 - Sorry, I wasn't... - Oh, I beg your pardon! 246 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:05,000 And as there are, as you know, people who make money out of paying management people 247 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,600 to take courses in teamwork and it seems it's very, very important, that 248 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,360 even when you are shouting, you should hear what the other person is saying. 249 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,280 What a load of bollocks! 250 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,760 I know. You should have seen me when I first saw this, 251 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:23,280 because if there is a profession, it is that of people who basically 252 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:27,760 get management people to pay them, to tell them the art of 253 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,240 the so obvious, it makes your nose bleed. 254 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:34,960 "When you're speaking it's really important that people hear what you're saying. 255 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:38,400 - "You know, we do a four week course on this." - The one I like, is the 256 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,000 people who come to your house and give you advice on what to do to sell it. 257 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,880 - Oh, really? - Especially when you don't want to sell it. 258 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,680 - Yes! That can be annoying. - Went in the toilet. 259 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:52,040 Put the toilet lid down, and said, "Lid down when showing." 260 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,240 Oh, really? So no floating solids? 261 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,480 LAUGHTER 262 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,760 - I always tell my clients that. - Flush it first! 263 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:04,120 And I would stop the family doing hand stands in the shower. 264 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,360 It's a living bidet. 265 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:10,520 Pay the full price for colonic irrigation, don't do it like that. 266 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,760 We're being very critical, but the next time I'm in a situation 267 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:18,280 where I have to shout out a colour, simultaneously with a lot of other 268 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,720 people, I'm going to pay a lot more attention. 269 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,440 That's good to know. You're advancing. 270 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,280 ALAN: I said, "Blue" but really, I meant, "Red." 271 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,120 That's really difficult! 272 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,400 I also don't think that works, because I think 273 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,720 if you're making a noise, you can't hear a noise. 274 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,960 I think that would make choral singing an impossibility if that were true. 275 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,320 - LAUGHTER - That's true. 276 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,360 It is... 277 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,520 - Especially when they do that "I Can Sing A Rainbow" song. - Yes. 278 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:54,640 It might surprise you, but I've not been in a lot of choirs. 279 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:58,960 That's a good point. But I've lived that life where we've had... 280 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:02,440 cos I used to have a normal life in a corporate world, 281 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,080 and I've been on training days... 282 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,440 Oh, you've actually been on the bloody things? 283 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:11,920 - And were they all absolute...? - I mean, there's some part of it that you think, 284 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,320 this could be good. I can see what's going on, 285 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,120 when they say, "There's an issue within the company, 286 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:21,040 "you've all got different views, why don't you draw a picture? 287 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,960 "Instead of talking, let's draw a picture," 288 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:29,280 "What are we going to draw?" "Anything that comes into your mind. Not a cock." 289 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,320 - Apparently that's... - LAUGHTER 290 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,440 Getting to the bottom of a corporate infrastructure, 291 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,840 cock drawing, saying, "That's you," doesn't really help. 292 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,200 We had all these things, and honest to God, 293 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,000 you do get to it and you start looking at people and think, 294 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,160 "You live your life like this." 295 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,720 You can see them going home to their kids saying, 296 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,640 "Come on, I could make your tea, but wouldn't it be better 297 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,200 "if you made your tea? 298 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,280 "Wouldn't you feel better as a team if we made tea together?" 299 00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,880 "Wouldn't it be better if tea didn't exist? 300 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,880 "Let's all think. Draw your tea. 301 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,320 LAUGHTER 302 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,880 "And let's remove it as an issue." 303 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:10,440 Well, it's becoming rapidly more clear, there are many people 304 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:15,800 who need to be killed and nearly all of them are management consultants. However, hopefully... 305 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 306 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,000 Hopefully, that classic piece of management school trickery 307 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:26,080 will have taught you all a valuable lesson about the importance of listening, 308 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,600 so listen to this. What is an interrobang? 309 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,400 Is it the way you ask a question, 310 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,040 like the Australians finish all their sentences like it's a question? 311 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,080 - It's the lift. - As if everything's a question? 312 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,120 - Yeah. - Yeah, and goes up at the end? 313 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:47,280 No, it isn't that. They sometimes call that the AQI, the Australian question intonation. 314 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:51,320 But that's not it. It's a punctuation mark that had a brief vogue 315 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:57,120 and it consisted of a question mark, which is the "interro" part, 316 00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,040 and a "bang" is a printer's name for an exclamation mark. 317 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,440 - And there it is, that's how it looked. - I love it! 318 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,760 It's rather good, isn't it? We should use it. 319 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:10,480 You know sometimes when you're typing a letter and you want to go, "What the heck?!" 320 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,840 It's not really a question, but because it begins with "What the..." 321 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,520 You think maybe it should be a question. That's the symbol they were using. 322 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,560 You do see people, they'll put a question mark 323 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,760 - and then an exclamation mark, to kind of make that point. - Precisely. 324 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:29,760 In the 1960s, they had a brief vogue and there were typewriters that had it as a character. 325 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:33,400 And it does exist as a Unicode character in the ASCII set. 326 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:39,040 What does that mean when sometimes you see a question mark upside down on a text? 327 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,280 - Well, in Spain, they do that. - Put one at the start. 328 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,520 - JOHN: - It means someone's in the shower! 329 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 330 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:54,560 In Spain, a question begins with an upside down one and ends with a right way up one. 331 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,960 And indeed, they did an upside down interrobang, 332 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,800 which was known as a gnaborretni, which is just interrobang backwards. 333 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,760 - Gnaborretni? - Gnaborretni. 334 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,320 # Do doo do doo-do! # 335 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,000 LAUGHTER 336 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,040 There was the sarcastrophe. 337 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:16,120 Which is a little like the circumflex accent the French used to have, 338 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:20,080 what's called a carat, you know, a little sort of hat shape. 339 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:24,360 You'd put that - "Oh, that's really funny" - outside the "really", 340 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:27,320 would indicate you were being sarcastic. 341 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,320 What's always frustrated me 342 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,320 is that on a standard typewriter keyboard, 343 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:36,760 - when you hit the semi-colon... - Ye-e-es? 344 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:40,560 ..you just have to hit the key, but to get the colon, 345 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,200 you have to press that other key. 346 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,040 If I was a colon, I'd think, "Surely I take precedence? 347 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:51,080 "You are merely a semi version of me, 348 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,320 "I should be the one that just needs one key!" 349 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,200 - I share your pain, Frank. - Yeah! 350 00:20:56,200 --> 00:21:01,760 I've stayed up till dawn with whisky, going, "Why?!" 351 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:05,920 No, but I'll tell you, it's led me to an overuse of the hyphen. 352 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,640 - As might... - Instead of going 353 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:12,600 - all round the houses to the colon, I think, "Oh, I'll put a hyphen." - Don't go down that track, Frank! 354 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,800 Get off the hyphen now, Frank! 355 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,280 There's people here for you, you don't have to go "hyphen"! 356 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,720 We can support you, we're friends here, Frank. 357 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,800 APPLAUSE 358 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,320 You know, your hyphen will just wear out. 359 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:34,520 - Unless you regularly put some cream on it. - The alternative is to use... 360 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,120 It'll be hanging down by your knees before you know it! 361 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,400 I don't want to be using a semi-colon 362 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,960 instead of what should be a colon, just out of laziness. 363 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,520 I wouldn't know when you should use a colon or a semi-colon. 364 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:50,880 No-one uses a semi-colon, that's why you don't have a semi-colonic irrigation. 365 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:55,360 - Messy! - That's the technical term for standing on your head in the shower. 366 00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,320 Yes, the interrobang might be a useful new punctuation mark. 367 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,760 Now, let's play... WA-WA-WA-WAAAA 368 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,560 How Ironic Is That? 369 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:09,680 Mm, yes. I'm going to outline some situations, 370 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:16,120 and all you have to do is tell me how ironic they are, and why. 371 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,200 Is it out of 100? 372 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:24,600 No, you can just give me a sort of sense of just exactly how ironic you think they are. 373 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,280 I'm just worried about how we grade the irony. 374 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,200 I would say shiny... 375 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,080 Shall I tell you... 376 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,040 ..down to rusty. 377 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,240 Shall I tell you what the shades of irony supposedly are? 378 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:40,840 I think what we're getting at is, "irony"'s often weirdly misused. 379 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,600 People say, "Ironically, he wasn't there." 380 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,560 - You mean, unfortunately. - The invisible man. 381 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,720 LAUGHTER 382 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,160 There's verbal irony, the opposite of what's... 383 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:55,560 "As clear as mud", "Oh, this is a fine state of affairs". 384 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,400 Slightly less than sarcasm, that's verbal irony. 385 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,080 There's comic irony. Dr Strangelove. 386 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:06,280 "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the War Room," for example, is an ironic remark. 387 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,520 Dramatic irony. 388 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,160 Little does he know that I'm about to... 389 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:16,120 Yeah, the audience knows Oedipus is the very murderer that he's hunting, as it were. 390 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:20,840 - Dramatic irony. - As in, "Dive, thoughts, down to my soul. Here Clarence comes." 391 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:24,600 Yes. That's just the kind of thing. Richard III and others. 392 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,040 APPLAUSE 393 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:32,440 Ladies and gentlemen, an all-round entertainer! 394 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:36,880 And then there's Socratic irony, which is pretending to be dumber than you are, 395 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,680 like Socrates, or like Columbo. 396 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:42,360 Lieutenant Columbo, the greatest ever detective. There you are. 397 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,560 God, that's the greatest ever show. 398 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,520 Is that it? Like Socrates or Lieutenant Columbo? 399 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:52,920 - I would be hard put to say... - I know they both did that, but beyond that... 400 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,600 I would be hard put to say which was greater. 401 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,720 I think Columbo is the greatest TV series ever made. I worship it. 402 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,000 - I absolutely agree with that. - I'm glad. 403 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,960 I once spent a long night with David Baddiel having an argument 404 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,360 about whether Columbo had one eye or not. 405 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,440 Peter Falk, you mean? Yeah. 406 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,280 Well, no, this was the debate. 407 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,680 My argument was that Peter Falk does indeed have one eye, 408 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:22,040 but in Columbo, that eye plays the part of a real eye. 409 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,840 Yes! LAUGHTER 410 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:25,720 I think there's truth in that. 411 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:29,600 - Columbo has two eyes. - That's how good he was. I agree. 412 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,920 How did this argument go on for so long? 413 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:36,080 - Was it like Women In Love? - He wouldn't have it. 414 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,600 Were you wrestling naked in front of a fire? Women In Love? 415 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:44,360 That was how we had to decide it in the end. We couldn't find a coin. 416 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:48,000 So, is this ironic? John Kendrick was an American sea captain 417 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,440 who put into Honolulu Harbour in 1794 418 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:55,880 and was killed by the cannon which was fired to salute him. 419 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,240 GROANING 420 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,640 Now, we understand situational and arguably, comic irony, 421 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:04,840 though the audience was very sympathetic. 422 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,680 - That's fairly ironic. - It's pretty ironic, isn't it? 423 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,120 It's almost up in the spangly section. 424 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:15,040 Yes. What about Clement Vallandigham, who was an Ohio lawyer 425 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:20,680 who died in 1871 while defending a man who was accused of murder during a bar room brawl. 426 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,960 To show the jury how the pistol might have gone off accidentally, 427 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,280 this lawyer grabbed the gun, put it in his pocket, 428 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:32,680 and re-enacted the events as he imagined them. 429 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,880 - And sure enough... - He was shot by a cannon. 430 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:41,600 No, the pistol went off and he was killed by the gun in exactly the way he was describing. 431 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:46,520 Just before he died from his own wounds, his client was acquitted. 432 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,720 And the good thing is, his client didn't have to pay. 433 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,400 No, exactly. It's perfect. 434 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,200 Situational irony, I think that would be called. 435 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,440 But, now, what about Abraham Lincoln? 436 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:00,520 He was shot while sitting in Ford's Theatre, 437 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,800 while Kennedy was shot while sitting in a Ford Lincoln. 438 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:08,720 Many other coincidences like that. That's just simply coincidence. 439 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:13,720 - Not irony. - Reagan was shot in Washington, and Washington was shot with a raygun. 440 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,160 LAUGHTER 441 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,480 If only that were true. 442 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:25,000 It would almost be worth inventing a time machine and going back with a raygun just to do that. 443 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:30,000 It's true. But nobody knew what a raygun was then, so they just went, "What's that?" 444 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,640 LAUGHTER 445 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:36,520 I have a picture - is this ironic? Is there something ironic about that? 446 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:40,520 That you basically cut all the wool off a sheep 447 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,840 - then knit it together again. - A sheep in sheep's clothing! 448 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,480 More ironic that we look at it and go, "Awww," 449 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:52,120 - then go, "Um-num-num!" - "M-m-mint sauce!" 450 00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:59,080 I saw an advert for a meat supplier and it said, "Caring for pork, from farm to fork." 451 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:02,480 LAUGHTER 452 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:06,280 I thought, there's a certain point where you go, "You're not really caring." 453 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,760 I wouldn't call that caring when you're just going... 454 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:12,880 MIMICS NOISE OF A MINCER 455 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:18,640 With the eyeballs, to make sausages. Phhhhfffft! 456 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,840 "Aaagh! Phhhhfffft!" 457 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,680 This is rather ironic. 458 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:28,360 In 1989 in America, convicted murderer Michael Godwin 459 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:31,200 had his sentence reduced to life imprisonment 460 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,720 after five years awaiting the electric chair. 461 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:38,720 But he was then accidentally electrocuted while sitting naked on a steel lavatory seat 462 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,720 in his cell in Columbia. He was trying to fix his TV set. 463 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,560 He bit into a wire and was electrocuted. 464 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:49,120 - That is a kind of cosmic irony, really. - That's not irony. That's God's will. 465 00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:52,520 It's God's will. I think you may well be right. 466 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:56,840 That's irony for you. The things we call irony often really aren't that ironic. 467 00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,600 Ironically. Or not. 468 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:04,560 Now, um, for some inside information. What's inside this? 469 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:05,880 Can anyone tell me? 470 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,360 It's a natural thing. 471 00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:09,920 Well, it looks like a coconut. 472 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:14,000 - It could be an elephant turd, couldn't it? - It could be. It isn't. 473 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,960 This thing is actually a nut. 474 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:21,240 Weirdly, the things inside it are not nuts, 475 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:25,800 but the things inside it are familiar to all of us as nuts. 476 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,440 This is how these grow. 477 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,160 Here they are. 478 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,240 - Oh, Brazil nuts. - Brazil nuts. 479 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:37,120 They grow inside... These are seeds, but we call them nuts. 480 00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:41,280 Biologically, these are the seeds, and they grow inside this, the nut. 481 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,040 They grow on top of the tree. 482 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:46,000 They're very heavy, they've been known to kill people. 483 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,680 But it's a very strange life cycle they have. 484 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:51,520 This tree cannot be cultivated, so they're only wild. 485 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:57,240 Only wild trees produce these nuts, inside which are the Brazils. 486 00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:01,080 And they can only be pollinated by a very particular bee, 487 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:04,080 and that bee will only be able to pollinate it 488 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:07,000 if there is in the area a very particular orchid. 489 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:11,200 So there's a really strange chain of necessary life situations 490 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,840 in order for us to get our purple Quality Street, essentially. 491 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:18,320 There is something unique as well about the Brazil nut. 492 00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:21,200 As you know, there are people who are allergic to nuts. 493 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:25,720 But the Brazil nut, uniquely, amongst all the nuts... 494 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,320 This is really unfortunate. 495 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:33,440 You can sexually transmit Brazil nut to a partner. 496 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:37,680 That is to say, if a male has eaten a Brazil nut, 497 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:42,200 and they inseminate a person who is allergic, 498 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:47,120 that person's allergy will be affected by it. 499 00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,640 That's a good murder plot, isn't it? 500 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:51,720 LAUGHTER 501 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:53,920 It is amazing. 502 00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:59,360 I actually feel right in the middle of an episode of House now. 503 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:03,920 Cos how on earth has that been found out? 504 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,920 Surely the woman would feel the Brazil nut? 505 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,000 LAUGHTER 506 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:13,240 I think you may have slightly misunderstood... 507 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:15,040 The man would too, really. 508 00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:17,760 May contain nuts! 509 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,200 LAUGHTER 510 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:23,680 We must ask the QI audience, both the physical one here, and those watching TV, 511 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,520 to be our experimental cohort, 512 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:30,000 and I want you all to eat Brazil nuts and then make love to your beloveds. 513 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,040 - I'll eat the nuts. - Yep. 514 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,480 LAUGHTER Sean is volunteering on that side. 515 00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:40,160 I'm happy to eat the nuts. You line up, I'll eat the nuts, let's check it out. 516 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:46,040 - There you are. - Let's do this! - Let's do this thing for science. - Yeah. 517 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:49,520 Incidentally, does anyone know, in a packet of mixed nuts, 518 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:52,000 why do the Brazils always rise to the top? 519 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:55,400 Surely nobody knows that. 520 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,640 TRUMPET FANFARE You're right! 521 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:02,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm very impressed. 522 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:06,120 It is a known and observable process, 523 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:10,920 that in bags of muesli and nuts, the Brazil nuts do go to the top. 524 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,320 Scientists have worked hard to try and understand why. 525 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:18,720 At first they thought the little ones settle down through and leave the big ones at the top. 526 00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:23,400 You may say, why should they waste their time? There are all kind of good reasons, 527 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,720 like sorting rubble after earthquakes. 528 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:29,320 I've got to be honest, I've never heard of an earthquake victim 529 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:31,680 being crushed by a load of nuts. 530 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:35,520 No, nor have I, I'm talking about the science behind the lodgement 531 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,840 and the dislodgement of solid objects. 532 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,600 You'd think, because they're the heaviest nut in the bag... 533 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:45,880 - It seems counterintuitive. - In a box of muesli, it's the larger items, for example, 534 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,400 the currants, that go to the bottom. 535 00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:51,400 - You get a lot of currants in the last portion. - You do. 536 00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:53,680 Nobody knows precisely why it happens, 537 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:56,240 but it seems to be an observable phenomenon. 538 00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:59,680 But if you get almonds in mixed nuts, 539 00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:04,200 I find they rise to the top, above the Brazil nuts. 540 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:08,480 - And I'm starting to think it could be... - TOGETHER: - Alphabetical order! 541 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:13,560 - Almonds, Brazils... - Cashews... 542 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:17,800 Cashews, dates, maybe. And so on. 543 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:21,320 - Walnuts at the bottom. - And walnuts right at the bottom. 544 00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,920 Good, you're all doing extremely well. 545 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:27,360 What do the signal bars on your phone mean? 546 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:31,840 Well, it means how much... signal... you can... 547 00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:33,920 LAUGHTER 548 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:37,240 Don't be scared. 549 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,120 They mean how... how... 550 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:45,200 the thing with the thing in the sky and they come through, 551 00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:48,680 - not there, all gone. - I need it in English, I'm afraid. 552 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:52,640 - It's got... - Talky talky power all gone away. 553 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:57,120 Sky no fly down in the air here. 554 00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,440 Big bird in sky. 555 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:01,280 You're either connected or you're not connected. 556 00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:06,120 So levels of connectivity are a bit irrelevant. 557 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:09,760 Yes, I would have accepted a Nobody Knows card, too late now, 558 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,720 because basically, there is no standardisation between manufacturers, 559 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:17,320 and different handset makers have different ways of showing 560 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,280 what is apparently a full signal, 561 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:22,960 and we're all really thrilled, "Oh, look, I've got five bars." 562 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,160 Absolutely meaningless. 563 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,520 How many Nobody Knows questions are there in this tonight? 564 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:29,920 Ah! Nobody knows. 565 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:34,880 What I find really annoying is when you're talking to someone on the mobile phone and it cuts out, 566 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:40,080 then when they call you back again, they say, "Dunno what happened then." 567 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,720 In the past, I've always said, "Well, it must be you, 568 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:45,520 "because I've got five bars." But now you're telling me... 569 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:49,480 - Exactly. I'm afraid that is... - You've pulled the rug from under me, Stephen! 570 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:53,680 I'm sorry to do that, but that's one thing we do on this show. 571 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,720 Nobody knows quite what the signal bars on your phone really signify. 572 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,880 And now we sink our claws into the soft underbelly of knowledge, 573 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:05,240 and tear out the fetid entrails of general ignorance. 574 00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:07,200 So fingers on buzzers, please. 575 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,600 What use is an inflatable anchor? 576 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:12,240 MOSQUITO WHINE 577 00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:13,800 Yes? 578 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:18,240 Is it for hot air balloons? 579 00:34:18,240 --> 00:34:22,960 Very smart answer. No. 580 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:24,400 SMALL DOG YAPPING 581 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:31,440 - Yes? - Is it to stop submarines from, um... going too low? 582 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 583 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:39,120 That's so sweet. 584 00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:42,360 When the surface is incredibly sandy, 585 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:46,200 and a standard claw anchor would have nothing to catch onto, 586 00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,840 you send down an inflatable one. 587 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:53,840 It's a spike. It goes into the sand, and you inflate it with fluid, not air, in fact. 588 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:59,680 And it lodges in the sand. That's what they use. Now you know. 589 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:03,400 Which animal did Richard I have three of on his shirt? 590 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:06,320 Now, can I suggest that at this point in history, 591 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:08,640 no-one in England had ever seen a lion. 592 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,200 Is that possible? 593 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:12,360 So, it's not a lion. 594 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:16,600 - What did Richard I spend most of his time doing? - I don't know. 595 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:18,160 - Crusades. - Crusading. 596 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:22,200 - There weren't any lions in Arabia, were there? - There were in Africa. 597 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:23,960 Bloody everywhere, they were. 598 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:28,120 Zoos. The Tower of London had a menagerie, a little later, I grant you. 599 00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:30,920 In a picnic in those days, not wasps, lions. 600 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:32,360 Millions of them. 601 00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:34,560 GET OFF ME SANDWICH! 602 00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:36,360 The point is... 603 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:40,960 Seen some lions! Swans are the bastards. 604 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:45,760 He looks like he's going, "Ooh, get you in your suit of armour!" 605 00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:49,200 He looks like he's doing a sort of, "Ooh!" 606 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,800 This is the badge of English royalty that was first used by Richard I, 607 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:54,760 and it's three... 608 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,720 Well, I'd say, not lions. 609 00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:00,640 You're right to avoid the word lions. 610 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:04,360 They were known as leopards. They called them leopards. 611 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:08,600 They were not familiar with the difference between a leopard and a lion. 612 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:12,640 And leopard really just means a bearded lion, and it's a heraldic thing. 613 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:17,680 If they were that shape sideways on, those were leopards. 614 00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:19,440 So there was a song, wasn't there? 615 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:21,480 - Wasn't there, Frank Skinner? - There was. 616 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:24,360 And that would have caused me a lot of scanning problems. 617 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,720 Yes. It was based, however, on a lie. 618 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,080 No, it was based on a lion. 619 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:34,480 - "Three leopards on my shirt." - Were they rampant or couchant? 620 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,200 - Good question. - AUDIENCE: Oooh! 621 00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:40,000 It's gone a bit Sale Of The Century! 622 00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:44,280 They were actually passant gardant. 623 00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:47,560 But the rampant lion is the sign of the Kings of Scotland. 624 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:51,880 - Very hairy knees, the Scottish one. - Yes, they have rather, haven't they? 625 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:54,240 They would be called lions in heraldry, 626 00:36:54,240 --> 00:36:57,960 whereas the three lions on the shirt would be known as leopards. 627 00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:03,680 So, which years did your song chart, Frank Skinner and David Baddiel's Three Lions? 628 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:08,880 - It was number one in... - '96, and then again in '98. 629 00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:10,840 Yeah. It charted in... 630 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:14,760 And then it charted in, er, 2000. 631 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:17,160 2002. It missed out 2000, I'm afraid. 632 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:21,280 - Did it? - Yeah. 2002, 2006 and 2010. 633 00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:24,200 - That's quite impressive. - I must check my platinum discs. 634 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,800 Ooh! 635 00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:29,440 Yes, I think we can safely say we milked it. 636 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:33,120 You milked those leopards. 637 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:36,440 Can I ask, was it big in any other country? 638 00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:38,440 It got to the top ten in Germany. 639 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:41,120 The Germans, when they actually won Euro 96, 640 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:44,080 which is what the song was originally written for, 641 00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,400 they figured they'd won the song as well, 642 00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:51,040 so they were on the balcony in Berlin, leading the crowd 643 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:52,760 in Three Lions On A Shirt. 644 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:54,360 My God. 645 00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:55,800 Now, that's irony. 646 00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:57,600 LAUGHTER 647 00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,360 Very good. 648 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,240 APPLAUSE 649 00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:05,520 The fact is, anyone can get a Grant of Arms. 650 00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:08,000 You only need £4,225, 651 00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:11,040 which is cheaper than some cherished number plates. 652 00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:14,040 Sir Christopher Frayling, former Chairman of the Arts Council 653 00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:16,760 and expert on Clint Eastwood movies 654 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:22,240 took a motto, which is "Perge Scellus Diem Perficias". 655 00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:26,480 - "Go ahead, punk, make my day"? - Yes! Very good! 656 00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:28,560 APPLAUSE 657 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:35,200 In heraldic, "Proceed, varlet, and render perfect the day." 658 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,760 On my coat of arms, its says, "Katatraya stayeftika". 659 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:40,240 "There is trouble in the gypsy village." 660 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,160 What's the Latin for "Nick nack nocky noo?" 661 00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:46,600 LAUGHTER 662 00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:49,040 Frank Skinner's career as a pop star 663 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:52,840 is, in fact, built on a lamentable terminological inexactitude, 664 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:54,280 or lie. 665 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 666 00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:59,360 Now, name... 667 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:01,160 APPLAUSE 668 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:04,720 If you can, see if you can name a living animal 669 00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:10,560 whose scientific name is exactly the same as its common name. 670 00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:12,000 SMALL DOG YAPPING 671 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,680 Isn't a gorilla called Gorilla gorilla? 672 00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:16,120 "WRONG AGAIN" ALARM 673 00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:21,520 I'm afraid so. Unfortunately, it's called Gorilla gorilla, but the common name for it is just gorilla. 674 00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:24,040 There's only one animal we can think of 675 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:28,040 where the common name for it is exactly the same as its Latinate... 676 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:29,680 Does it sound a bit Latiny? 677 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:31,960 - In a way. - Is it rhinoceros? - No, that's Greek. 678 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:35,040 - It's not that, no. That doesn't sound Latin at all. - Horse? 679 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:38,920 No, that's equus. No, it's not a mammal, OK? 680 00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:41,920 - It's not a mammal? - Frog. 681 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:47,080 No, it's not. It's herpetic, it's ophidian, it's long and narrow. 682 00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:51,640 - Snake. - Snake. It's a kind of snake. - Oh, it's a kind of snake, not snake. 683 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:53,080 LAUGHTER 684 00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:56,000 - No, no, it's a species we're after. - Monty Python. 685 00:39:56,000 --> 00:40:00,040 Oh, I see, cos if you know about them, you don't go, "Look, snake." 686 00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,960 You go, "Ah, it's Snakus curmuncunus." 687 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,480 - Exactly. There is one where precisely... - Boa constrictor. 688 00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:09,600 - Boa constrictor is the right answer! - I was thinking it! 689 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,600 APPLAUSE 690 00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:18,040 The scientific name for the Boa constrictor is Boa constrictor. 691 00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:22,040 As far as we can tell at QI, there is no other animal where that's true. 692 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:25,000 There's some plants where it's true, Aloe vera, or whatever, 693 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:29,040 but no living animal, as far as we know, except the Boa constrictor, 694 00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:31,720 has the same common name as scientific name. 695 00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:34,920 What's wrong with these bananas? 696 00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:36,920 They're upside down. 697 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:39,000 Yes, they're upside down. 698 00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:40,840 Bananas do not grow like that. 699 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:42,920 They grow like... that. 700 00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,920 - They grow upwards. - It's my area of expertise. 701 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,920 I'm impressed. I'm very impressed. Well done. 702 00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:52,440 You probably know something else interesting about bananas. 703 00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:56,160 They have a quality, you might call it a negative quality, 704 00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:59,480 which some other foods have, including these. 705 00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:03,280 And that is, they are faintly radioactive. 706 00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:06,120 Not that there's any harm in eating bananas. 707 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:10,720 The isotope in question from potassium, K40, is present in our bodies in any case. 708 00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:14,440 Especially in men, in our little naughty areas. 709 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:16,600 Is that why they look like bananas? 710 00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:17,840 No. 711 00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:22,720 - No, actually, within the epididymes, the... - Speak for yourself! 712 00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:27,200 - Actually, yes! - I'm waiting for mine to stop being green. 713 00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:28,480 Oh, no! 714 00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:32,880 I'm more in the line with the Brazil nut. 715 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:38,240 How long is the half life of the radioactive component of a banana? 716 00:41:38,240 --> 00:41:42,240 - I'd say six hours. - 1.25 billion years. 717 00:41:42,240 --> 00:41:45,200 You were only a bit out, then. 718 00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:48,880 It was going to be one or the other. 719 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:54,160 Brazil nuts contain radium, and are 1,000 times more radioactive than other foods. 720 00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:59,040 We're told that if you walk into a nuclear power plant with a pocket full of Brazils, 721 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:01,840 it's liable to set off the radiation leak alarm. 722 00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:03,920 True story. 723 00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:07,640 - And get a bit of a reputation. - Yes, definitely. 724 00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:12,760 "Here he comes, cheeky chappy, with his pocket full of Brazil nuts." 725 00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:17,760 And an easy one to end with - which country is the world's largest producer of Brazil nuts? 726 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:22,320 - TODDLER SCREAMS - Costa Rica! 727 00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:24,720 - No. - Ah. 728 00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:27,560 - Nice idea. - Brazil. - No! 729 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:32,080 - Brazil is the second largest. - Bolivia. 730 00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:35,080 Bolivia is the right answer! 731 00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:42,080 I suspect you were thinking of Bolivia Newton John, which isn't quite the same. 732 00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:43,560 I often do. 733 00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:45,400 Bolivia is the world's... 734 00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:51,120 - Surely with all that radiation, it should be Bolivia Neutron Bomb. - You'd think! 735 00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:54,480 Which brings me to the nutty scores. 736 00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:57,560 Well, my goodness, my gracious, and my word. 737 00:42:57,560 --> 00:43:02,720 - We have a tie for first place. - Fight! - And would you believe... 738 00:43:02,720 --> 00:43:04,640 We're not Harry Hill here. 739 00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:06,080 Wonderful as he is. 740 00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:09,840 Would you believe that our two winners, our tie for first place, 741 00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:13,600 is our first-time players, Frank Skinner and John Bishop, four points! 742 00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:15,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 743 00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:22,360 And in third place with minus 14 points, it's Sean Lock! 744 00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:26,360 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you. 745 00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:32,680 But I'm afraid that the currant that settled at the bottom of the box 746 00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:35,320 with minus 21 is Alan Davies. 747 00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:37,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 748 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:45,760 Well, that's your lot for this week. My thanks to John, Frank, Sean and Alan. 749 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:48,480 I leave you with these wise words from Groucho Marx. 750 00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,640 "He may look like an idiot, he may sound like an idiot, 751 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,520 "but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot." Goodnight. 752 00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:59,440 APPLAUSE 753 00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:17,880 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 754 00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:20,960 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net