1 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,200 Well! 3 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:34,960 Goooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 4 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:40,680 And welcome to QI for a show that's all about insects and other invertebrates. 5 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,440 Let me introduce our completely spineless panel. 6 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:47,680 Busy as a bee, Jimmy Carr. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:53,720 Snug as a bug, Sarah Millican. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:55,800 --> 00:01:00,640 Knee-high to a grasshopper, Johnny Vegas. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:09,600 And banging his head fruitlessly against a window, Alan Davies. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:15,720 So before we begin, we should hear your buzzes. Jimmy goes... 11 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:19,200 FLY BUZZING Ooh, it's annoying. 12 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:23,600 - Sarah goes... CRICKETS CHIRP - Aw! 13 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:28,640 Johnny goes... MOSQUITO BUZZES / LAUGHTER 14 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:32,200 And Alan goes... MOSQUITO BUZZES 15 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,440 SPLATTING 16 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:40,200 Now, don't forget, there are some questions to which nobody knows the answer. 17 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,200 FANFARE 'Nobody knows!' 18 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:47,720 If you play your joker to a question to which nobody knows the answer you get extra points. 19 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:51,560 If you use it at the wrong time, you look like a bit of a tit. LAUGHTER 20 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:54,200 - So, to question one. - Right. 21 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,000 LAUGHTER What's the point? 22 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,040 LAUGHTER Aw! 23 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,200 What do bees do better than dogs? 24 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,160 BUZZER Yes, Jimmy. 25 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,440 Make honey. LAUGHTER 26 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,280 That's probably true, I have to say. 27 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:15,520 Probably true! You're giving me probably on making honey. 28 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,000 OK, if that's the way you want to play it. 29 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:24,160 - I'll give you that one. - Thank you very much. I'm already in the lead. LAUGHTER 30 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:29,560 They're better at sneaking up on you than dogs are. You'd never know if a bee had sniffed your crotch. 31 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,200 LAUGHTER Well, you might not. 32 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:36,680 - There'd be a buzzing noise. But oddly enough, you used the word there... - Is it crotch? 33 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,840 LAUGHTER No. 34 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:43,080 - Sniffing? - Sniffing. We use dogs to sniff, 35 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,400 - to sniff in customs and for security... - Sniffer bees! 36 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,480 ..for explosives and drugs. 37 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:53,040 It takes a dog about three months at least to be trained 38 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,560 to be a sniffer dog. It takes a bee ten minutes. 39 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,800 All you have to do is put it in a box, 40 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:04,640 add the smell and some sugar simultaneously, do that a few times, 41 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:11,120 and it will instantly associate that smell with sugar and a reward and next time it comes across the smell, 42 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:15,960 its proboscis will come out and if you set it all up right, it will cause an alarm. 43 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,760 - So why aren't we in airports killing bees, then? - It's beginning to happen. 44 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,320 Unless drug dealers have an allergy to stings, 45 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,680 I can't see them being pinned up against the wall by a policeman... 46 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:32,000 LAUGHTER ..with a bee on a bit of kite twine. 47 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,600 There's a company called Inscentinel which has developed this 48 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:40,600 and it is beginning to be used by the military and airports and various others. 49 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,960 You pop a bee in a little box and you train it. 50 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:48,360 That's not a little box, that's like the worst rucksack ever invented. LAUGHTER 51 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:53,280 What if they like savoury stuff? What if they haven't got much of a sweet tooth? 52 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:57,000 The great thing about bees is they only like sugar. 53 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:02,600 There may be a rogue bee that likes meat or salami, and that would be useless. 54 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:06,520 - Pasties? - Pasties. - He wouldn't be able to do that as a job. - A Cornish bee. 55 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:10,720 LAUGHTER You shove a few in a box 56 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:14,600 and then waft them near the thing you want them to check, there it is. 57 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:20,160 That's not a bad idea cos that's the old joke about the best way to smuggle drugs being in a dog's bum. 58 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:24,920 Because when the sniffer dogs come through... LAUGHTER 59 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:29,920 ..as soon as the dog sniffs, you just go, "Come here, you! Naughty little thing." 60 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,880 - But with bees, how much could you get in a bee's bum? Very little. - Very little. 61 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,520 My dad once punched a bee. 62 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:41,760 - Punched a bee? - Yeah, it went for him, and it was huge, so he just punched it. 63 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:46,720 He said it was like a velvet tennis ball. LAUGHTER 64 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,000 A rather beautiful phrase, velvet tennis balls of the sky. 65 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:54,440 I like that he was thinking of such poetic things when he was punching a bee. 66 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:59,240 - Bees are valuable and they are in trouble. There seems to be... - That one was. 67 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:02,200 LAUGHTER I'm going to offer you a reward. 68 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:06,720 I've got a plate here of insect-related foods, Sarah, 69 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:11,120 and you can choose your reward. This is a lolly which has got ants in it. 70 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:15,400 This is a scorpion brittle, like a peanut brittle, only with a scorpion in it. 71 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:20,240 I don't know if you can see it. Or just some dried bugs here. Would you like one of those? 72 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,960 And where is the treat part? LAUGHTER 73 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:26,000 - Chocolate ant, would you like a chocolate ant? - I'll suck it. 74 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,160 - Would you? - No. LAUGHTER 75 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:34,440 - Are you going to risk any of these? - Erm, I'll have a look at them. - If I had a chocolate ant, would you? 76 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:40,440 - Er, I'll let you go first. - I've eaten it. There it is. - I'm not really bothered, to be honest with you. - Ah! 77 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,360 LAUGHTER You made me eat it! APPLAUSE 78 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:51,920 - Well, I want more bravery, because these are treats. - I don't even eat brown bread. 79 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,200 Don't give things like that to us. 80 00:05:54,200 --> 00:06:00,200 - You think of brown bread as being some sort of strange life form that's... - Well, it's unnecessary. 81 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:05,000 LAUGHTER If that's a new range of pick 'n' mix, no wonder Woolies went under. 82 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:09,320 LAUGHTER It may well be the world is going to turn towards this kind of food 83 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:14,840 because 2.5 billion of the world's population already regularly eat insects. 84 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,760 Is that just by mistake when you're on a bike? LAUGHTER 85 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:22,880 These are treats and it may well be that it will solve the problem. 86 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,760 By the year 2030, they reckon there will be 87 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,040 such a shortage of protein on the planet 88 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:33,880 that there will be a genuine problem of starvation. There's already a problem with starvation 89 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:37,400 but it will multiply enormously as the population increases. 90 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,320 And insects and other invertebrates may be the answer. 91 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,440 - Spider is genius. Like chicken legs but they have loads of them. - Yes! 92 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:48,960 What do you think are the advantages of eating and breeding insects for food? 93 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,880 You get to pretend to be a giant. LAUGHTER 94 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,720 A giant of commerce. 95 00:06:55,720 --> 00:07:00,880 And you can train them all to come and exercise in front of you and get them to build tiny cars. 96 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:06,160 LAUGHTER - Well, there is that. - And I'll say, "Call me Johnny Nissan!" 97 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:12,320 LAUGHTER - In the wild, when they lay eggs, they lay billions. - That's right. 98 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,480 Only a few of them survive. But if you've got them, you can have all billion of them. 99 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,680 Yeah, exactly. And they need far less feed than cattle. 100 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,120 They produce far less noxious gas than cattle. 101 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:29,920 But how would you contain the insect equivalent of foot-and-mouth? LAUGHTER 102 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:35,400 - That would be a problem. - "Have you been near a fly?" "Yes." "Leave the airport." 103 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:39,920 If you're trying to get this as an idea, this could solve starvation, 104 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:44,760 could you maybe pick a picture of a guy that looks less nuts? LAUGHTER 105 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:49,240 If you're trying to market it, if he's meant to be Captain Birdseye of the insect world, 106 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,720 he couldn't look any creepier. LAUGHTER 107 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:56,360 He looks as if he's auditioning to play the master in the original Dr Who. 108 00:07:56,360 --> 00:08:00,040 Even the frame in the picture looks like he's about to black out. LAUGHTER 109 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:04,120 - And the spider. - "They're good for you." 110 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,640 HE MOANS 111 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:10,480 "My vocal chords are swelling up." 112 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:15,920 - There is no reason not to eat them. - "I expect you to die, Mr Bond." LAUGHTER 113 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:22,880 - Sorry. - Shrimp is essentially the same thing. It's just in the sea. That one is on land. - Exactly. 114 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:27,600 - They are delicious. - We eat shrimp if there's a special on at Iceland. LAUGHTER 115 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:31,280 STEPHEN COUGHS - Excuse me. - Take a moment. 116 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,920 - It may be that ant. - It's the ant! LAUGHTER 117 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:43,440 Oh, no, they're delicious, they could solve the problems of starvation...by killing us all. 118 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,600 LAUGHTER I have got a problem in my throat. 119 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:52,760 Look at that man looming over you going, "At last, I got you, Fry." 120 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:57,680 - Maybe that was a mistake. - There's one brave ant. "We're going to cover you in chocolate, 121 00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:02,480 "we'll put you in front of Stephen Fry, you're going to go down there and sort things out." 122 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:06,440 - "Once you're inside, release it." - I've eaten those. 123 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,080 They've got a terrible bitter aftertaste, the smoked insects, 124 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,160 the little ants. I had them at Bug World in Liverpool. 125 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,360 Were you supposed to eat them? Cos isn't that like a zoo? 126 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:22,040 Is it shut now because you ate everything? LAUGHTER 127 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:27,040 - That giant snail was a mistake. LAUGHTER - It looked like a burger. 128 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:34,960 - Oh! - You're offered a bit at the end. But then you're not meant to go back on a frenzy and break the others. 129 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,480 Just with a different hat on every time. 130 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:43,360 I like a zoo where there's a buffet on the way out. Panda burger anyone? LAUGHTER 131 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,360 Go to the Natural History Museum just lifting the cases. 132 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:50,360 LAUGHTER 133 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:57,560 I've also got acid reflux, I have to say. One little ant. 134 00:09:57,560 --> 00:10:01,160 Here am I supposed to be advertising it as the future of humanity, 135 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:05,280 and I have to say, I feel like shit at the moment. LAUGHTER 136 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:10,880 That has not gone down well. APPLAUSE 137 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:15,960 The meat marketing board are watching this at the moment going, "Die! Die!" 138 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:20,640 LAUGHTER Talking of bees and dogs, 139 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:26,040 do you know the premier site on the internet for dogs that are dressed as bees? 140 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:30,560 LAUGHTER The best one? My favourite or the most popular one? 141 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:34,720 LAUGHTER It's beedogs.com. 142 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:38,960 Can you imagine a bee flying back and going, "I've found the queen!" 143 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,360 LAUGHTER "I've found the mother of all queens!" 144 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:47,040 I've got a little extra question for you. I was going to offer you a reward of a chocolate ant, 145 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:51,920 but I suspect there'd be no takers. I think I've got a leg stuck between my teeth. 146 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,840 There are hundreds of ants coming across the studio floor. LAUGHTER 147 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,560 How can you tell if your dog has a guilty conscience? 148 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,640 Is there a particular... Aww. Look at that boxer. 149 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,840 - Is it that your slippers are full? - Your slippers are full? 150 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,880 - I was trying to put it in a nice way. Of shit. - I know what you mean. LAUGHTER 151 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,960 I know what you're saying. 152 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,160 I think they go in the opposite direction. 153 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,840 What a dog does with a guilty conscience is make a massive fuss of you. 154 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,040 - Ah, very interesting. - More than usual. 155 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:26,040 - To try and make you love it and to make up... - I thought that was husbands. 156 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:30,040 LAUGHTER When you say a guilty conscience, do they have a... 157 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:34,080 That's a point. The answer should've been nobody knows. The people who own dogs 158 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:39,760 think they can recognise a guilty look in their dog, but they've done a number of tests 159 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:43,880 in which they have told their owner their dog has done this particular thing 160 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:49,440 and the owner has said, "Oh, yes, that's its guilty look, I recognise that" and it hasn't done anything. 161 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:54,520 It's all in the mind of the owner. I've still got a little scaly something in the back of my throat. 162 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:59,920 - Have a bit of scorpion brittle to take it away. - Take the edge off, yeah. 163 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,880 I was so looking forward to being brave and butch and taking this insect. 164 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:08,880 Revolting! There it is. Oh, a little wing casing or something. 165 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,760 - AUDIENCE: Ohhh! - Very unpleasant. 166 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,400 Dogs can identify guilt in people. 167 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,840 - Yes, can they? They probably can. - Yeah, they can. 168 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:22,000 - If you come in... - Certainly in airports, but bees are better at it. LAUGHTER 169 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:27,360 That's very good. Now, why aren't there any vegan Venus flytraps? 170 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:32,880 - Yes, Sarah? - Maybe there are, but people don't invite them round for dinner 171 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:37,680 cos it's too complicated. LAUGHTER 172 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:41,320 That's a very good answer. Would you like a reward? 173 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,720 No, thank you. LAUGHTER 174 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,360 - Ohh. - Vegan? - Yes. 175 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,840 - Are you all right? - No, I'm not all right. 176 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,160 Suppose a leaf fell in, why don't they eat the leaf? 177 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,880 Cos hasn't it got... I had one of these when I was a kid. 178 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:58,840 - Hasn't it got to hit two of them within a certain time frame? - Absolutely right. 179 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,440 They have a sort of time system on these tiny hairs, 180 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,920 you can see it here. Poor little thing. 181 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,280 - And then it just does another movement and bang. - Ooh. 182 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:11,760 - And it is really... - Do you know what the coolest thing about them is? 183 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:15,160 When that closes, that bit there is the stomach. 184 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,640 It just closes really tight and then that becomes the stomach. 185 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:22,120 And all the digestive juices absorb the little animal. 186 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:26,880 It has a design fault, then. If you were one of those plants and you were starving 187 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:32,040 - but you had a mouthful of lettuce... - Yes. - ..it would never know. 188 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:37,280 - No. - It would starve to death rather than eat a salad. - Exactly. 189 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,600 LAUGHTER Because the salad didn't move 190 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,520 - in the right way. - You have so much in common with these. LAUGHTER 191 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:50,240 - If you fell asleep next to one of them for long enough... - Yes? 192 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,400 ..and it closed on your finger, 193 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,680 would it be able to digest part of your finger? 194 00:13:56,680 --> 00:14:01,120 I'm going to send you one and you will do the experiment. 195 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:05,040 LAUGHTER And let us know. You could try your knob, as well. It'd be funnier. 196 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 197 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,520 - In the cause of science. - I couldn't... APPLAUSE 198 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:17,440 - It would be a penis flytrap then. - Aww! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 199 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,760 - Well, we'll see. - You're considering it. - Yeah. LAUGHTER 200 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:26,320 There are other exciting ways of catching insects. 201 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:31,760 - You know the South American bolas, like a sling that you swing round? - Yeah. 202 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:35,360 There's a spider that does the same thing to catch insects. 203 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,920 There, look at that. It's very clever. 204 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,280 - It swings this... - That's not real, it's just a drawing. 205 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:45,760 LAUGHTER I admit, we don't actually have a photo of it. 206 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:50,360 I'll tell you why you don't have a photo. Because you made it up. It's not even a good picture. 207 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,560 That isn't even a good spider. It's a heart-shaped thing. 208 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:59,000 You started off doing a heart, it was probably a love letter, then you went, "I'll put some legs on it". 209 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:04,600 I'm very sorry. But do look it up on the net. I'm sure you'll find a photograph. The bolas spider. 210 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:08,960 - And he's doing this, is he? - He makes a sort of lasso. - He lassos the insect 211 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,760 - and then he does... - He goes, "Yee-hah!" LAUGHTER 212 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:18,680 - It does seem crazy, but nature is crazy. - And then he drinks in a saloon. - Yes. 213 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,200 What's the best way to charm a worm? 214 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:26,360 There's a worm. How would you charm a worm? 215 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,360 You tap, don't you? Because when it rains, they come up. 216 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:33,640 Birds do that when they jump up and down, they make a noise like rain and they come up. 217 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:37,840 Yes, actually, what they think is that there is a mole nearby. 218 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:42,880 And the earthworm's way of escaping is to come to the surface, because moles don't come up. 219 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:48,320 - Are they not friends? I imagine they would be friends. - No, Moley and Wormy, not friends. 220 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:54,640 - Moley eaty Wormy. - I'm going to stop you there, because in my mind, they are quite good friends. - Aww. 221 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,120 They live underground and they have a terrific old time. 222 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,960 Could you charm a worm with a tiny flute? 223 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:05,960 Well, it's good you should say this because worm charming is a big, I won't say industry, 224 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:10,920 but it is a big pastime, both in America and in this country. There is the commercial side of it. 225 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:16,880 - Erm, because... - Oh, for God's sake! - I know. LAUGHTER 226 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:20,320 I know you've got your "get a life" look on. LAUGHTER 227 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:25,240 - And I do know what you mean, but... - I really have. 228 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:29,760 There's nothing that discernable, is there? When you go, "Hi, you've got lovely..." 229 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:34,760 - Oh, you mean charming them in that sense. - No eyes. - They have a little saddle, that can be attractive. 230 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:39,520 - But that's that myth, that that's where they've been cut in half. - Oh, I see, and re-grown. Yes. 231 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:45,800 - Something happened between... - You can chop them in half. You can do it with any animal. - Yeah, but they... 232 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,280 LAUGHTER They don't join back together. 233 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:52,680 No, they can't. It's a myth. But in America they call it grunting, worm charming, 234 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,760 and it's reasonably big business because Americans love to fish, 235 00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,120 and obviously bait shops need worms as well as maggots as... 236 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,800 - The girl in the foreground is tapping the ground with flip-flops. - She is. 237 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:07,440 She's got flip-flops on so she's taken extra flip-flops. LAUGHTER 238 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:13,240 - She's only done it to annoy you. - It looks like a car boot sale where everyone forgot the cars. 239 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:17,240 LAUGHTER They've been Photoshopped out of the picture. 240 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:22,000 APPLAUSE It does rather, doesn't it? 241 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,640 - What it is, in Britain, the sport, if I can call it that... - You may not! 242 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,880 ..involves dozens of competitors. Oh, my God! 243 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:32,120 - Is that a worm on her T-shirt? - She has a worm on her shirt! 244 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:35,880 - I don't know if that's a worm. I don't think we should look at that. - Oh, dear. 245 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:40,040 - You have to lure as many worms... - Ken Dodd on the right. - ..as you can in 30 minutes. 246 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:44,720 - With a recorder? - Well, with anything you choose. You can just tap... 247 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:48,840 And why the time constraint, is that because you're out on day release? 248 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:52,480 LAUGHTER Possibly. The low point was in Woodhall. 249 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:58,680 The Woodhall worm charming festival in Lincolnshire, none of the entrants in August 2010 250 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:05,040 - managed to lure a single worm. - This is the worm-charming festival, isn't it? 251 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,600 Were those people inside at the time, were they in a building? 252 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,760 Yeah, it was raining, they had to do it in the church hall. 253 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:18,240 LAUGHTER - That would explain it. - I'm getting nothing. 254 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,840 LAUGHTER 255 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:25,560 How do they decide the winner if nobody actually lured any worms? 256 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:30,680 Well, a spokesman said they were all winners because they raised more than £200 257 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:35,840 for the Woodhall Spa Twinning Association. I don't know who Woodhall is twinned with. 258 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,560 I don't think it's twinned with anywhere. I think they had a suicide pact. 259 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,520 LAUGHTER Why has she got string on her fork? What's going on with these people? 260 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:49,600 That's her fork, like when you're at the airport, with your case going round, you put a ribbon on. 261 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:54,800 At least when you go trainspotting, there are trains. LAUGHTER 262 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,920 That's the best thing. The trainspotters are stood on the hill going, "Losers!" 263 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:02,240 LAUGHTER "Get a life!" 264 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,960 APPLAUSE 265 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:10,280 - Oh, dear. It's true. - "Keep digging, Cynthia, they're only jealous." LAUGHTER 266 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:15,960 Well, the fact is, yes, you can vibrate worms to the surface by pretending to be a mole. 267 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:19,480 Now, when would you go out with a bucketful of ladybirds? 268 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:24,680 What about if you had a bit of spare time and your hobby was collecting ladybirds? 269 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:28,240 LAUGHTER - Yes. - Would that work? - It might. But why do we like ladybirds? 270 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:34,320 - Don't they kill, er... - Greenfly. - Greenfly, yeah. They are very good pest controller animals. 271 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:39,000 - Are you sure they're not pests? I think they might be. - Well, they're a pest if you're an aphid. 272 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,200 - But... - I thought you said if you were an atheist. 273 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,920 LAUGHTER 274 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,720 That's a fantastic idea. 275 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,760 Those ladybirds, proving the existence of God again. 276 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:56,040 LAUGHTER There must be a god because they're so adorable. 277 00:19:56,040 --> 00:20:00,600 Well, they're sold on the internet to gardeners 278 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:06,280 - and the idea is that they help you with your aphid control problem. - So they're all alive in a bucket? 279 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:10,640 Yeah. There are all kinds of insects you can buy. I remember buying for a conservatory, 280 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,720 you can buy gall wasps, I think they were, 281 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,000 because there was some sort of pest I had in the conservatory. 282 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,960 Did they just ring the bell? Two wasps turned up? 283 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,000 LAUGHTER "We're here about the aphids." 284 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,600 LAUGHTER "Where do you want us?" 285 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:29,920 No, ladybirds are very helpful, obviously, but the problem with them is, 286 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,160 if you order them on the internet and you get a bucketful, 287 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,040 if you release them, they'll simply fly away. 288 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:40,400 So there's a secret to it. You release them at night cos they don't fly at night. 289 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,680 So you release them into your garden at night and they go to work. 290 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:47,920 Then during the day, they may fly away, but they may by then have eaten your aphids. 291 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,960 - Why don't they fly at night? - They prefer not to. - Can't see where they're going. 292 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:56,320 - We don't have an answer to that. - My mum used to be like that driving. Didn't like it. 293 00:20:56,320 --> 00:21:00,520 Why not just go through them individually and break a bit of wing? 294 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:04,760 LAUGHTER - And then keep them in your garden? - You do want them to fly a bit. 295 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:09,400 Well, that's why I said break a bit. I didn't say snap both. LAUGHTER 296 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:13,600 Break a bit so they can have a bit of aspirational flight, but they can't escape. 297 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:20,720 - That's cruel. - Well, I paid for them online. It's not like I go out picking on random ladybirds. 298 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:22,880 - Slavery is what it is. - Yes. - No, no, no. 299 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,520 What it is, it's about getting your money's worth. 300 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:30,680 LAUGHTER A bucketful of ladybirds. 301 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:36,920 Now, how did the thing with the amazing eyes escape from the tank? Look at that. 302 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:41,080 It's known as a mantis shrimp, although it isn't a true shrimp. 303 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:45,200 - It's a crustacean. - It doesn't sound like anything. - It looks amazing, doesn't it? 304 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,360 Are those the eyes on the top? 305 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:51,920 The top bits are the eyes, which are extraordinary because they're divided into three. 306 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:56,480 - So they have three types of vision in each eye. Look at it. - Like bifocals? - Yes, they are. 307 00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:02,960 They've got two of these eyes, but even more than that, they have power that is almost beyond belief. 308 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:07,960 - They can cut through glass. - Hang on, this is sounding like Saturday morning kids' TV. 309 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:14,080 - Power beyond belief. - They do! It's extraordinary... - Is it the power of prayer, Stephen? Do they pray... 310 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:18,920 LAUGHTER Do they pray to get out of the tank to the little baby Jesus? 311 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,920 They're mantis shrimps, but not praying mantis shrimps. 312 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,840 Nice though, come on! LAUGHTER 313 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:31,520 They can accelerate, they can accelerate through the water at 10,000 times the force of gravity, 314 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:37,040 which causes the water in front of them to boil. I know it sounds mad. 315 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:42,720 - That's how extraordinary they are. - It seems like a disadvantage cos when you stop, you're in boiling water. 316 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:47,360 LAUGHTER "I seem to have cooked myself." So they cook themselves? 317 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,800 They have this amazing power. 318 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:54,880 They have been known to break out of aquarium glass with one strike of their claw. 319 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:59,960 - They can actually break the glass and get out of their aquariums. - Have we got footage of this? 320 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:03,560 - I can show you one punching its prey. - It had better have a "Kapow!" 321 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:07,520 That's it on the left there. And this is obviously massively slowed down. 322 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,600 - And there it... Bang! - Ooh. 323 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,120 And that was a really... There you go... 324 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,600 That is insect domestic violence. LAUGHTER 325 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,760 It really is. They're very powerful creatures. 326 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:28,360 They have three sections of each eye. They can see ultra-violet, infrared, polarised, 327 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:32,320 and are the only creature on earth that can see circularly-polarised light. 328 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:36,160 - Does that mean they can watch Avatar without the glasses? - Yes. LAUGHTER 329 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:40,800 That's exactly what it means, basically. They're very remarkable creatures. 330 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,880 - Where do they live? - Vietnam, that's where you find them. 331 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:49,400 - Would you like to see a shrimp on a running machine? - More than you know! LAUGHTER 332 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:54,120 - Take a look at this. - It's the Iceland research facility. 333 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,560 LAUGHTER 334 00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:02,360 - Aw! How good's that? - It's very good, isn't it? - They've not got it with a stop button. 335 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:07,440 No, I know, it doesn't have control. Do you know, they can go three hours before they get exhausted? 336 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,560 What has he got on the iPod? 337 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:14,160 - Yeah. - He does look much slimmer than he did at the beginning of the footage. 338 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:20,240 There are various excuses that scientists have given for why they're doing that to them. 339 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,280 Was it mainly boredom? LAUGHTER 340 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:28,960 I was kicked out of there for just breaking one wing on a ladybird, and look what they're doing. 341 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:33,000 Are they doing any research into Marie Rose sauce? LAUGHTER 342 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,760 Because you need the two together, in a wine glass. 343 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,600 It's like shrimp horse-jumping. When the white line comes round, it jumps. 344 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,680 Oh, does it? Oh, yes! LAUGHTER 345 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,400 - Oh! - Whey! LAUGHTER 346 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,880 And he's coming up here now on the third turn. LAUGHTER 347 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,880 And he's looking strong. He's not looking bad. 348 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,760 He's lost his jockey but he's still in the race. LAUGHTER 349 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:59,920 The man responsible is called Professor David Scholnick of Pacific University in Oregon. 350 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,880 - He gives his name out? - Yes. LAUGHTER 351 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:08,320 He said, "These studies will give us a better idea of how marine animals can perform in their native habitat 352 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:13,240 "when faced with increasing pathogens and immunological challenges". How I've no idea. 353 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:17,160 - We have to take his word for it. - I'm waiting to see a crab with some dumbbells. 354 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:21,360 LAUGHTER It is strange, when you look at that, 355 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:24,640 because the shrimp is an insect, but we quite happily eat that. 356 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:28,280 - Pick the legs off it, take the head off. - I know. And lobsters and things. 357 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,960 As you say, we'll happily eat them as a treat. 358 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,520 But these... Oh, God. LAUGHTER 359 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,520 It's not done me any favours. And I felt so confident. 360 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:42,080 I was going to have the scorpion, as well, but I'm not now. LAUGHTER 361 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:48,080 - I'll have the scorpion. - Would you like the scorpion? - I'll have it. - Oh, my dear fellow. There you are. 362 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:52,600 - You mean you're going to take it... - I've had those. The aftertaste is just horrendous. 363 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,920 It's there for hours. But I'll have that. 364 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:59,200 - Yeah? Are you going to eat it now in front of us? - If I put it all in my mouth, it might... 365 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,480 - I'll break it in half. - Good idea. 366 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:06,040 - Make it manageable. - Yep. - # Half the poison, half the fun 367 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,920 LAUGHTER 368 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,520 - Ready? - God, it... 369 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,400 LAUGHTER 370 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:18,280 APPLAUSE That's God telling me something, isn't it? 371 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:24,160 - Wow, that is one tough... - I think the scorpion might be alive. I think it might be like Han Solo. - Hey! 372 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:28,720 - Not any more, it's not. - Erm... Tail end or front? 373 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,240 I would go for the front. The tail end might have a sting in it. 374 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,440 - Always ask a lady. - Hey! 375 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:38,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ohh! 376 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,120 James Carr! 377 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,200 Well, you could hardly break the thing, so... 378 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,440 LAUGHTER Come back in nine hours. 379 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:54,080 LAUGHTER Oh, you're having one, too! Good for you! 380 00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:57,800 - Excellent. - I've been licking the brittle and I'll be there all night. 381 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,160 I was eating it like a Club biscuit. LAUGHTER 382 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:05,120 - Licking all the chocolate off. - Is it quite sweet? It's basically sugar. - It's horrible. 383 00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:10,520 - I can't feel my toes. - Oh, dear. LAUGHTER 384 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,320 It's like hemlock. It just works all the way up. 385 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:15,840 It's like bonfire night with death. 386 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:19,280 LAUGHTER Go on, Sarah, you know you want to. 387 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:22,760 - You've got to be joking. - Have a lick anyway. 388 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:28,200 - Is this what you had, the chocolate ant? - Sarah, just think, what if we all develop superpowers as a result? 389 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,480 LAUGHTER Ohh! 390 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:33,040 LAUGHTER Ohhh... 391 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,720 - Alan had the ant. - How could you eat that? 392 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:41,280 - He has the power! - You saw what it did to me. - He has the power of nausea! 393 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:45,840 LAUGHTER - Ohh! - That is absolutely repellent. 394 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,520 - As soon as you break the chocolate, if whiffs. - I know, it's not nice. 395 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,280 Something's happening. Something's happening! 396 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,480 LAUGHTER Whey! 397 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 398 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:02,240 Oh, my word! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 399 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:08,120 - Something... - Power of the scorpion! 400 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:14,600 LAUGHTER Can I ask, are scorpions known for forward rolls? 401 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:20,080 LAUGHTER - Definitely. - Oh, yes, Sarah, you're showing your ignorance there. 402 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:25,240 LAUGHTER - I've tried a scorpion and I've tried an ant. - Well done. - And that's it. 403 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,200 - All right. - That's like the start of a really bad musical. 404 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:32,040 BOTH: # I tried a scorpion, I tried an ant 405 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,880 # And that's it LAUGHTER 406 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:38,200 # Try a bug, try a bug, no LAUGHTER 407 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:43,080 - I mean... - # Now I'm an insect sycophant LAUGHTER 408 00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:48,040 - Have you had anything, Sarah? - No. - You should try an ant. - I think you should have an ant. 409 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,400 Well, you're not me mam, so... LAUGHTER 410 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,600 APPLAUSE 411 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:59,040 You might all end up with superpowers, but you'll need somebody to save. 412 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:03,040 - That's true. - No, we'll need somebody to push us round. LAUGHTER 413 00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:08,480 - We'll need some home help once we get our superpowers. We'll all be delirious. - That'll be champion. 414 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:12,480 - Oh, good. - Remember, never put anything in your mouth that hasn't been boiled. 415 00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:15,280 I thought that was an old mother's thing. 416 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:19,560 My mam said you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. 417 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:23,320 LAUGHTER That was my sex chat. 418 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,520 - That was your sex chat? - Yeah. 419 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,720 LAUGHTER 420 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:31,200 She didn't mention your vagina, then? Just your mouth. LAUGHTER 421 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:34,480 Well... LAUGHTER 422 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,760 Oh, no! LAUGHTER 423 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,880 I don't know what came over me. APPLAUSE 424 00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:44,280 - This is my first time on the show! - I know. 425 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:47,560 Don't make me put a scorpion up me nunny. 426 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:51,840 LAUGHTER Sarah, if you would just entertain... 427 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:54,600 I'm not saying now, I'm not saying now, 428 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:58,560 but if you did five minutes before an gynaecological appointment 429 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:01,320 and you went, "I've got a bit of an itch..." 430 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:04,960 LAUGHTER You would be the subject of a medical paper 431 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,560 that would be published around the world! 432 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,040 - Wow. Fame. - You would be the miracle woman. 433 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:14,640 - Anyway... - That shrimp is now looking like it's going, "Hurry up". LAUGHTER 434 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:19,360 "Is there another round? Cos I don't think I've got another jump in me." LAUGHTER 435 00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:22,400 Apparently it'll take him three hours to get exhausted. 436 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:28,000 Anyway, from shrimp mills to ant mills. What does an ant mill do? 437 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,560 - Is it like ground ants? - Ground ants? 438 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:37,560 - Delicious. - Would you like some ground ant? - Do they make bread? - No. 439 00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:40,840 No, what happens is, occasionally they lose the pheromone trail 440 00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:44,600 that the leaders have and they start following each other in a circle 441 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:50,080 and the circle just goes round and round and round and round until they die. 442 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:53,880 - They just get completely stuck. - What, like an ultimate conga? - Yes. 443 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,120 LAUGHTER 444 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:59,200 HE SINGS CONGA 445 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,320 I'm knackered! 446 00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:05,960 There was one observed in the 1920s. It was 1,200 feet in circumference. 447 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:10,520 It took two and a half hours for an ant to complete a whole circuit 448 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:14,560 and they were just going round and round and they just follow the one in front. 449 00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,400 - Like dads at a wedding. - Yes! LAUGHTER 450 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:19,920 If one of them was a bit down 451 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,280 and wanted to take some others with it... 452 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,600 Yes! It could lead them on a false trail. 453 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,680 - Absolutely. - Cool. - Wouldn't that be beastly? 454 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:33,240 I've got a rule. If it comes in my house then I'm allowed to kill it. 455 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:35,400 - Right. - Trespassing. 456 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:38,680 So how many Jehovah's Witnesses have you... LAUGHTER 457 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,240 APPLAUSE 458 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:46,880 Yeah. You're laughing, but... LAUGHTER 459 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,480 - Yeah. Four. - Under the floorboards. 460 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:53,560 But if it's outside, I have to leave it alone, cos technically I'm in its house. 461 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:55,840 That's a rather sweet way of looking at it. 462 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:59,680 Ants in an ant mill follow each other round in a circle until they died. 463 00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:03,800 Why shouldn't you breathe... Excuse me, what shouldn't you breathe in... 464 00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:10,200 - What shouldn't you breathe in if you're a stink ant? - Is it your own... 465 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:13,680 Your friend's anus. LAUGHTER 466 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:16,120 I think that's a general rule. 467 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:18,480 You don't have to be a stink ant. LAUGHTER 468 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,880 It's a really weird life cycle, this. 469 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:26,000 It's a really creepy and unpleasant life cycle that the stink ant is victim of. 470 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,760 It spends its life in the rainforests of Cameroon 471 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:35,560 foraging on the ground, eating bits of leaf mould and generally having a perfectly reasonable life. 472 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,440 And way up in the canopy somewhere is this spore. 473 00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:45,200 And occasionally they go "Pssshhh!", a fungus, and millions of these things drop down. 474 00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:49,640 And if the ant breathes it in, it eats the ant from inside 475 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:53,200 and it starts with the brain and it sends the ant a bit mad. 476 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,560 And it does something that the ant would never otherwise do. 477 00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,840 It makes the ant climb the tree. 478 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:02,600 So the ant climbs the tree and it gets to a certain height 479 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:05,920 and it's kind of programmed its brain. It sounds insane. 480 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:10,040 The ant then puts its mandibles into the tree and waits to die 481 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:13,280 and then the spore keeps growing and growing 482 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:16,800 and it pushes a shoot out of what was once the brain of this poor ant, 483 00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:19,200 it's eaten all its other soft parts, 484 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:22,600 and this great shoot comes out which produces more spore 485 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,760 that drops down and drags up more ants. 486 00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:28,600 We've got a picture, just in case you don't believe me, of a poor ant... 487 00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:33,160 - You've done a picture of this happening. - This is a real thing. This is the ant climbing up, 488 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,680 looking a bit unfortunate. You'll be able to see, this is it here. 489 00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:41,320 It's been eaten from the inside and there is the spore growing out of what was once its brain. 490 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:44,000 You can see, the rest of its body has been eaten. 491 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:47,560 And that is... And there's that spore growing out 492 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:51,560 and then it eventually stops and the whole thing starts again. 493 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:55,600 - What a weird and cruel thing. Isn't it? - Aw, that's sad. 494 00:33:55,600 --> 00:34:00,760 It's like when people say, "There must be a god because of skylarks and water voles." 495 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,880 You say, "Yeah, and because of that?" LAUGHTER 496 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:08,160 It's called cordyceps, this particular fungus, and that's its life cycle, 497 00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:10,760 basically to rain down onto the forest floor, 498 00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:15,520 get breathed in by an ant, make the ant go crazy and climb a tree and complete its cycle. 499 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:18,640 Or to give it its human name, Special Brew. 500 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:21,720 LAUGHTER 501 00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:26,920 That is a good visual representation of what the hangover's like off it. 502 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,720 LAUGHTER Ohh, what am I doing up a tree? 503 00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:34,920 LAUGHTER Agh, my head feels like I'm growing spores! 504 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,400 LAUGHTER 505 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:42,560 - Imagine if it happened to people. - Oh, God. - To see someone, like, "Oh, no, he's going up a tree". 506 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:45,480 LAUGHTER And all the soft tissues get eaten. 507 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:49,400 You can see, it's not just the brain, it's all the bits lower down. 508 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:53,040 - You'd just have to let them go. - I'd be really gutted if I breathed it in, 509 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:56,800 didn't really climb the tree, fell off and just ended up with a bump. 510 00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:00,480 LAUGHTER Cos there wasn't enough material to feed off. 511 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:04,960 - Aww! - You just wake up and they go, "What's that?" and you go, "Oh, nothing". 512 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,920 LAUGHTER There's plenty in there. 513 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:11,920 And so to the inevitable backbone of QI, General Ignorance. 514 00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:16,720 Fingers on buzzers if you please. Name a vertebrate with no backbone. 515 00:35:16,720 --> 00:35:20,280 Nick Clegg. LAUGHTER 516 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:23,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whey! 517 00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,880 A popular answer. 518 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:33,960 - Er... - A vertebrate without a backbone? - It seems an impossibility. 519 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:39,480 - But there is something that is classified as a vertebrate that has no backbone. - Worms? - No, a big... 520 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:44,400 - Like a whale or something? - Well, it's not a mammal. It is a fish, though. Big fish. 521 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:49,440 - Eel. - Dolphin? - Er, a dolphin isn't really a fish, to be honest. 522 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,640 LAUGHTER - Well, it looks like one. - It looks like one, I agree. 523 00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:57,440 - Stingray. - Well, stingrays and mantas don't have them, but it's the shark. 524 00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:59,840 Sharks are classified as vertebrates. 525 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:03,360 They neither have ribcages nor do they have backbones. 526 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:08,320 They have things that look very like a backbone, but they're half the weight of bone, 527 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:12,640 they're cartilaginous matter with connective tissue. You can see a cross-section. 528 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:16,360 - He doesn't look very happy. - No. It's a very cross section. 529 00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:22,800 LAUGHTER You see the thing behind his eye going all the way back to his tail, 530 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,880 along his back that looks like a bone? LAUGHTER 531 00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:32,480 - Yes. - I'm just saying... - I know. It's not actual bone, though. It's cartilaginous matter. 532 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:35,600 Cartilage, as we would say in England. 533 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:40,160 LAUGHTER - That's all I have to say on that subject. So, there we are. - Fine. 534 00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:43,200 - Let that be an end to it! - Yes. LAUGHTER 535 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:47,480 What's the strongest creature for its weight in the world? 536 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:51,480 - Is it Johnny? LAUGHTER - Geoff Capes. - Geoff Capes? 537 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:55,720 There is a stronger man than Geoff Capes in the world at the moment. 538 00:36:55,720 --> 00:36:59,680 - Zydrunas Savickas, who can... - Can he pull a lorry along with his teeth? 539 00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:05,560 A 70-tonne plane. But that's only 411 times his own weight and it has to have wheels. 540 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:10,400 This creature can pull a force equal to 100,000 times its body weight. 541 00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:13,320 When I say creature, I mean, it is a living thing, 542 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:17,360 - but it's not even an insect, it's tinier. - Our old friend bacteria. 543 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:22,280 It's a bacterium. It's a bug in that sense. And it's not one you want to catch. 544 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:26,600 It's one that would be most unwelcome in the trouser department. 545 00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:31,200 - Crab. - No, no, no, it's an actual bacterium, not an insect. 546 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:36,680 - Gonorrhoea. - Gonorrhoea is the right answer. - The strongest thing in the world? - Yep, the gonorrhoea... 547 00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:38,920 It pulls down your pants and... LAUGHTER 548 00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:44,120 - Oh, that's your excuse for catching it. - Seriously, love, I didn't stand a chance. 549 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:47,640 Stripped me bare! Do you know how strong they are? 550 00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:52,080 They have these bundles of long, thin, contractile filaments called pilis... 551 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:55,680 - Why is all that toast on screen? - They use these to crawl 552 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:59,840 and they can pull along 100,000 times their weight, which is a very small weight. 553 00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:02,400 Do you know what the cure for gonorrhoea used to be? 554 00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:07,200 - Er... - Yeah. They'd put a sort of umbrella up the urethra, 555 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:11,240 press a button to open the umbrella inside the shaft and then pull out... 556 00:38:11,240 --> 00:38:15,200 - We've heard it all. We don't need to hear it. - I'd like to hear it. Tell us again. 557 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:19,720 LAUGHTER You can only do it if they're in your house. 558 00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:23,080 If you had a particularly unsympathetic doctor, 559 00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:26,120 he'd then jump around the room going # I'm singing in the rain 560 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:29,800 LAUGHTER Yes. 561 00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:32,360 And he'd splash in your own tears. 562 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:36,440 LAUGHTER They then cover it in chocolate and sell it as ants. 563 00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:40,160 LAUGHTER Oh, dear me. Yeah. 564 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:45,280 That's enough of gonorrhoea, I feel. What do oystercatchers mainly eat? 565 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:49,000 BUZZER - Yes? - Oysters? 566 00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,280 Ohh! ALARM BLARES 567 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:56,240 - They're just misnamed, oystercatchers. - What do they catch? 568 00:38:56,240 --> 00:38:59,600 - Is it other shellfish? - Yes. Cockles and mussels, mostly. 569 00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:03,000 - Are they not very good at catching oysters? - They just love a cockle. 570 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,080 Who doesn't, pet? Who doesn't? LAUGHTER 571 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:09,920 - Are they mainly cockneys? - A huge percentage of European ones are in Britain. 572 00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:15,000 And the amount they catch is astonishing. Each oystercatcher can get 500 cockles a day 573 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,240 and given that half of the European population is in Britain, 574 00:39:18,240 --> 00:39:20,400 that's more than 300,000 birds, 575 00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:25,120 that's a potential seasonal consumption of 8.9 million tonnes of cockles. 576 00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:28,280 - I love a cockle. - I love cockle. In vinegar. 577 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:31,080 - With a stick. - Yep. That's it. Gorgeous. 578 00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:35,920 - From a man in a little mobile kiosk. - A little hint of grittiness sometimes. 579 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:40,000 - Bit of vinegar. - Yep. Anyway, which animal has the most genes? 580 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,440 Des Lynam. LAUGHTER 581 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:45,120 Jeremy Clarkson. 582 00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:48,400 ALARM BLARES Ohh! 583 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:50,720 APPLAUSE 584 00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:53,000 Ohh. 585 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:55,520 That's unfortunate. 586 00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:59,160 It's to do with the age, it's not to do with the complexity. 587 00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:01,640 It's Jeremy Clarkson, then. LAUGHTER 588 00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:05,760 - Isn't it some plant that has loads more genes than us? - Yes. 589 00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:10,000 There are quite a few things that have more genes than us. The fruit fly has many more. 590 00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:13,600 - This is a little water flea. - Don't they think that's because of the age? 591 00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:18,920 - It's just been around for so long, it's mutated all these different times? - 8,000 more genes than us. 592 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:21,640 It's quite a lot. It doesn't do much. It lies around. 593 00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:26,720 It carries its own umbrella. LAUGHTER 594 00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:32,640 It's a very important part of the food chain in water. 595 00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:38,720 - It's eaten by fish and... - You can imagine the fish going, "Mm, taste those extra genes!" - Yes! 596 00:40:38,720 --> 00:40:43,240 Now, why are moths attracted to light? 597 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:48,280 FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!' - Oh, Alan! Well done! 598 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:52,440 You're good at this. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 599 00:40:54,080 --> 00:41:01,160 - Very good! - Well, I just feel that it would've come up, someone would've told me. 600 00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:03,680 Yes, you're right. There are various theories. 601 00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:07,960 One is that they're used to the moon and that other sources of light disorient it 602 00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:12,720 - and they use the moon for navigation and... - It does seem odd that they only come out at night. 603 00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:17,240 - If they saw the sun, they would love it. - Yes, you'd think! - It would be... LAUGHTER 604 00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:21,080 If they got up in the morning, they'd go, "Look at that!" 605 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:23,960 - Cos the amount they love my bedside lamp... - Exactly. 606 00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:28,520 I mean, they love my beside lamp, but the sun is significantly bigger than my bedside lamp. 607 00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:31,640 Maybe that's why they don't, cos if they went for the sun, 608 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:37,040 they would all just go for the sun and then fly into the atmosphere and that would be a disaster. 609 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:41,160 Some people believe different sources of light confuse their navigation system 610 00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:44,720 and others think that the moth may think the light is the moon, 611 00:41:44,720 --> 00:41:48,720 others think the infrared spectrum from things like candles 612 00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:51,480 may contain a few of the same frequencies of light 613 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:56,600 that are given off by a female moth's pheromones. But they're all theories. No-one really knows. 614 00:41:56,600 --> 00:42:03,320 I like their ambition. They think it's the moon and they go, "I could make it. Look at these. Come on!" 615 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:07,520 If you try and catch one, if you're trying to kill it like I do, cos it's in the house, 616 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:10,760 and then you turn the light off, I always feel really guilty 617 00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:13,600 cos it's as if they go... SHE SIGHS 618 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:17,360 LAUGHTER So, nobody knows. 619 00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:24,160 And that mystery brings us to the eternal mystery of the scores and how fascinating they are. 620 00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:28,880 In a resolute last place with minus-24, it's Mr Jimmy Carr! 621 00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:33,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 622 00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:38,680 Almost teetering on the brink of plusness is Alan with minus-1! 623 00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:42,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Minus-1. 624 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:50,200 And Sarah Millican's first performance has been astonishing with plus-2! 625 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:53,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 626 00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:58,360 But tonight's winner with plus-4 is Johnny Vegas! 627 00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:02,080 Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 628 00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:09,240 Ohh! That's all from Jimmy, Johnny, Sarah, Alan and me, 629 00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:11,600 apart from this final word from Bill Vaughn. 630 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:14,800 "We hope that when the insects do take over the world, 631 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:20,520 "they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics." Good night. 632 00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:23,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 633 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:29,120 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 634 00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:33,160 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 635 00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:33,240 . 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net