1 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,760 Good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,600 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 4 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:42,400 Welcome to QI, where tonight's show is completely and utterly incomprehensible. 5 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:47,160 Venturing into the unknown with me tonight are...What's his name? 6 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,560 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:54,400 And...Oh, you know! 8 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,280 APPLAUSE 9 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,800 And...Wait, don't tell me! 10 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,160 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:13,760 And, finally...No, I've never seen him before in my life. 12 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,560 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:24,120 Our buzzers tonight are no less perplexing than our questions. 14 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:27,200 Sue goes. BABY TALK 15 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:31,280 LAUGHTER Eleven types of wrong, just there. 16 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,800 Brian goes. LASER NOISE 17 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:40,040 Ross goes. HIGH PITCHED RANTING 18 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:47,160 Alan goes. ALAN TALKING GIBBERISH 19 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:50,800 "..dirty old bag." LAUGHTER 20 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,280 - Wow! - Is that your internal dialogue? 21 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,680 I think so. I don't know how they got that. 22 00:01:55,680 --> 00:02:01,520 - Don't forget, in this series, we have the Nobody Knows joker. - TANNOY: Nobody knows! 23 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,400 There are some questions to which no-one knows the answer 24 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:09,400 and if you think the question I ask has no known, authoritative answer, 25 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,560 play your Nobody Knows joker and you will get extra points. 26 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:16,400 Let's start with something that is not even in the same language. 27 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,680 Listen to this and tell me what it means. 28 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,400 SQUEAKING 29 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:29,160 - That's a rodent. - It's a rodent. Good. Can you narrow it down? 30 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,560 - Is it the squeaky door to his rodent house? - He's asking for some oil(!) 31 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:36,560 The astonishing thing is, we do know what that means. 32 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,160 I can vouch for this. There are people who study this. 33 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:45,160 My director on one of my documentaries got a PhD from Oxford studying frog communication. 34 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:49,400 - He sat there for three... - He was a professor of French? LAUGHTER 35 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,920 No, stop it. Sorry. 36 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:55,360 He sat there for three years, in the outback, somewhere in Australia, 37 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:59,360 and he discerned about three words which I think were something like... 38 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,280 Ribbit. LAUGHTER 39 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:05,880 You are absolutely right. There are zoologists who spend their life 40 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,520 trying to understand communications of various species. 41 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,560 - Do you know what this species is? - The gopher. - It is a gopher. 42 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,800 Exactly. A prairie dog. It's also known as a ground squirrel. 43 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,920 Isn't ground squirrel a condiment? 44 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,040 LAUGHTER 45 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,680 A little ground squirrel, madam? 46 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,200 LAUGHTER 47 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,040 He's making that face cos he's got Philip Schofield's hand up his bum. 48 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,680 LAUGHTER 49 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,920 That takes me back a bit! 50 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:42,040 Is that what the squeaking noise is? 51 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:47,520 When I say, that takes me back, I don't mean there was a time... 52 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,920 LAUGHTER 53 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,800 It's all gone wrong! 54 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:57,640 Anyway, there is a scientist, Professor Con Slobodchikoff 55 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,680 of Northern Arizona University, who spent 30 years 56 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,280 studying the language of these prairie dogs. 57 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,560 - Do they warn one another of predators? - Yes. 58 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,400 Is that one of the words? 59 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:14,400 He's used computer analysis and they are able to distinguish between different types of predator. 60 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,800 Humans, badgers, various other animals. 61 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:20,680 Not only that, different geometric shapes. 62 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,560 And they have a different sound for each one? 63 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:29,400 - And different coloured shirts that humans are wearing. The noise we heard. - SQUEAKS: Human! 64 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:36,280 The noise we heard in prairie dog was, "There's a human approaching wearing a yellow shirt." 65 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:41,400 I know that sounds almost inconceivable. 66 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:45,920 They can't distinguish between different genders of human but they can in different height. 67 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:51,560 If a tall human approaches in a yellow shirt, the leader will make a series of squeaks 68 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:56,160 and, under computer analysis, you can differentiate between 69 00:04:56,160 --> 00:05:01,160 - a tall human in a red shirt and a short human in a red shirt... - How wide is their colour palette? 70 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,640 ..and a tall human in a yellow shirt and so on. 71 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:08,680 Apparently, if a transvestite in tartan approaches, they explode. 72 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,680 LAUGHTER 73 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:14,920 Here is a similar clip but translated into English. 74 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,280 Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! 75 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:22,400 Al! Alan! Alan! Alan! 76 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,400 Alan! Alan! 77 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,240 Alan! Alan! Alan! 78 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,680 Oh, it's not Alan. That's Steve. 79 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,120 Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! 80 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,280 Steve! Steve! Steve! 81 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:36,800 Steve! 82 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:40,480 We can watch that forever, can't we? 83 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,160 APPLAUSE 84 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:51,760 Now it's time for some interplanetary incomprehension. 85 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,840 What did the Pope's librarian say 86 00:05:54,840 --> 00:06:00,680 when he first saw the rings around the planet Saturn? 87 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,560 They initially thought the planet had ears. 88 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,160 - Ah, yes. - That was Galileo. 89 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:11,560 I don't think he actually thought it had ears because Galileo was a genius. 90 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,560 Ears in the sense of jug ears, wasn't it? 91 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,680 No, that's Galileo, who was sensible. 92 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:20,040 I'm talking about the librarian of the Pope. 93 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:26,560 He genuinely believed that it was possible that after Christ's ascension into heaven, 94 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:31,680 the rings of Saturn were where he put his foreskin. 95 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,400 Ah, yes. 96 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,400 Now you may think I am trying to mock the Church, 97 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,800 this is all nonsense, but Christ was a Jewish boy 98 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:44,560 and like all Jewish boys, on the eighth day of his birth, he was circumcised. 99 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,560 But it's 50,000 miles across. Imagine the size! 100 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,560 They weren't aware of that. 101 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,320 "I need a peg to hang this massive foreskin on!" 102 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,680 - I've got a new respect for Jesus. - That is some girth! 103 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,640 His name was Leo Allatius and his essay was called, 104 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:02,920 De Praeputio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi Diatriba. 105 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:08,280 A diatribe, a discussion, concerning the prepuce, foreskin, of our Lord Jesus Christ. 106 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:12,680 This is how to interest teenagers in astronomy. 107 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:17,040 - This is a trick I've been missing. - Is it out there as a relic? 108 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:23,680 Like all the relics, there are 18 places who claim to have the one true Holy foreskin. 109 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:25,680 Are there really? 110 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:29,160 Catherine of Siena was one of the weirder of the saints. 111 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:35,920 She believed that Christ gave her his foreskin as a wedding ring 112 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:38,720 - in their mystical marriage. - What a gift(!) 113 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,680 After her death her hand was cut off and became a relic 114 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,680 with its invisible foreskin on it as a ring. 115 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,360 She was extremely anorexic, a peculiar woman. 116 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,400 She actively sought out degrading experiences. 117 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,920 She once drank a cup full of cancerous pus 118 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,160 from a woman who had abused her. 119 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:01,040 But has she appeared on Mock the Week? 120 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,680 LAUGHTER 121 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:08,040 APPLAUSE 122 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:13,000 Now, more importantly, more significantly, 123 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,680 how were the rings around Saturn actually formed? 124 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:20,680 - I'm going to play the card there. - You are right! 125 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,160 - TANNOY: Nobody knows! - You are a true scientist. 126 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,680 - Nobody does really know, do they? - A-hem! 127 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,400 There are two major... LAUGHTER 128 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,920 - Well done. - Thank you. 129 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,920 Well done! APPLAUSE 130 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,280 I didn't copy. I wasn't copying. 131 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:44,320 There's a Socratic acceptance of the limits of one's own knowledge and there's ignorance. 132 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,920 I'm not saying which is which. 133 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,800 No, quite right. There are two major theories. 134 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,800 I think there are two major theories. Is that right? 135 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:59,160 There could be a moon that was either disrupted, so something hit it and fragmented it, 136 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:03,800 although they are almost pure water ice, 137 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:07,560 which, come to think of it, makes the moon theory a bit unlikely, doesn't it, 138 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,240 because moons are made of rock. 139 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:15,120 - Actually... - The other theory is that it is something to do with the formation of the planet itself. 140 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,160 That something spun-off it in some way 141 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:23,560 - and then achieved a stable orbit around and formed these... - God spilled his drink. 142 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,400 The structures are held by the other moons. 143 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:31,280 - There are over 60 moons of Saturn. - Are they part of the rings or separate? Some of them are inside. 144 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:34,120 Small moons called shepherd moons which go around 145 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,400 and you get rings in between those moons 146 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:43,360 and it's got moons outside the rings which affect the structure of the rings, so they orbit outside. 147 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,280 - It's a very complex... - Any life-carrying moons? 148 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:50,560 There's a moon called Enceladus, which is about as big as Britain, it's a very small moon, 149 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:53,800 but it has fountains of ice rising up out of the surface 150 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:58,360 and it's thought there may be liquid water beneath the surface, so pockets of liquid water. 151 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:01,400 Everywhere on Earth that you find water, you find life. 152 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,040 Of all these moons, this is the one thing I wanted to ask you, 153 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:10,280 of all these moons, which one is most likely to be the home to Ewoks? 154 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,440 LAUGHTER 155 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:16,040 - That would be Titan. - Titan? 156 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:21,040 It's got a thicker atmosphere than the Earth so you'd need to be furry. 157 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,400 LAUGHTER 158 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,280 Good answer! APPLAUSE 159 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:35,400 We just have to destroy the one that has Jar Jar Binks on it. 160 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,680 It's very important when you're learning to study 161 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:44,560 - to know which notes to take, not just to take any old notes. - I saw that. Intelligence at work. 162 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:50,320 Now, while we're up in space, how do you imagine spacemen follow penguins about? 163 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,120 Why would they want to? How would they do it? 164 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,400 - I suppose to track colonies. - You're absolutely right. 165 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:01,280 They used to try and use little bands around their flippers 166 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:05,560 but they found that there was a 44% increase in mortality 167 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,440 amongst penguins that had these things attached 168 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,920 so they had to find a way of observing penguins 169 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,600 and they found they could do it through space. 170 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:18,360 What's interesting is, it's the activity of the penguin that is most revealing is... 171 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:22,280 - Is it their droppings? - It's how they poo. 172 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:26,280 - How do they poo? - A German scientist from Bremen... - Straight up. 173 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:30,040 LAUGHTER Into the atmosphere. 174 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,040 He discovered they squeeze four times harder than humans. 175 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,400 - They fire it? - Yes, they do. 176 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,960 It's a bit like toothpaste, and when you get lots of them together, 177 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,280 they spell out, "Piss off spacemen." 178 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,680 It's a streak. They leave a streak of faeces. 179 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:51,400 - A splatter gun of guano that's visible from... - Like that. 180 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,560 Oh, no, don't tell me it's sat in the middle of it. 181 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,560 No, it's not, that's the point. It's squirted it out. 182 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:01,560 - 30cms away from its body, it goes. - Somebody took that photo. 183 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:06,240 They've still got to walk through it! Surely they should squirt it out the sides. 184 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:10,000 It's like painting yourself into a corner, really, isn't it? 185 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,040 LAUGHTER 186 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:16,560 It just looks like somebody ran over that one in a Land Rover. 187 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:22,920 Someone's up in space, looking down for Emperor penguin poo? 188 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,680 No, they're looking for how they're flocking together, how they're living, 189 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,000 and through an examination of their faeces, 190 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:33,280 which are clearly visible because of the trails and streaks they leave behind, 191 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:37,160 they're able to predict population rises and falls. 192 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:41,400 I think it's rather wonderful. It's a fantastic way of being able to observe animals 193 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,040 without them even knowing they're being watched 194 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,560 and being able to gauge their diets and health. 195 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:52,680 Still in space, what's the main use for the second commonest gas in the universe? 196 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,400 - Oh, second commonest? - Yes. 197 00:12:56,400 --> 00:13:00,800 - What might be the second most abundant gas in the universe? - Hydrogen. 198 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,920 Hydrogen is the most common, I believe. 199 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:06,560 - Nitrogen. - No. - Helium. - Helium is the right answer! 200 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:10,680 Helium... filling balloons! I was going to say filling balloons. 201 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,520 Filling balloons is not the reason. 202 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,040 Squeaky voices! Squeaky voices! 203 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,320 KLAXON SOUNDS 204 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,400 The question is... 205 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:26,160 ..the point is, there is a shortage on Earth, not in the universe, of helium. 206 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,920 The demand for it has gone up in the last 15 years 207 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:33,920 and it is not because party entertainment has become a bigger thing, 208 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:38,280 - it is actually for something else. - We use it for refrigeration. 209 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,920 Refrigeration. And it's a diagnostic device. 210 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:47,160 - An expensive but highly effective diagnostic device that needs cooling. - The MRI. 211 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,920 That is the right answer. The superconducting, the coils... 212 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:55,160 They have to be that heavy otherwise they just float off. 213 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,800 It's a nightmare. 214 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,440 They came from particle physics technology. 215 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:03,560 You often get criticised because exploring the universe 216 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:07,680 is not seen as a useful thing to do for some reason in our society. 217 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,440 Actually, the offshoots are completely unpredictable 218 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,200 and one of the offshoots of exploring particle physics, 219 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,160 the world of the atom, quantum mechanics, was the MRI scanner. 220 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,040 - We use helium to cool down the LHC. - Oh, do you? 221 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,240 The Large Hadron Collider, 27kms in circumference... 222 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,680 What was unfortunately misprinted as the Large Hard On Collider. 223 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,040 My spell-checker does that. Large Hard On Colluder. 224 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:32,720 It colluded in a large hard on(!) 225 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:38,400 But it runs at -271 degrees, so 1.9 degrees above absolute zero. 226 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:43,120 That's because you need these superconducting magnets that are in MRI scanners. 227 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:46,440 They're magnets made of wire that have no electrical resistance. 228 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,680 You can put a current through it and have a massive magnetic field. 229 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,760 But the helium is the only substance that is liquid. 230 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:58,560 Our information is, and I don't know what you guys at CERN have, 231 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:02,560 is that it's possible that on Earth we will run out of helium by 2035, 232 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:07,400 - which is not that far away. - How are we going to make funny voices then? 233 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:11,080 With the Collider, with all those magnets in a circle underground, 234 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:15,320 on the hills and everything, those Swiss cow bells on the cows, 235 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,680 when you turn it on, do they all run in a big circle? Moo! 236 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,560 Moo! Moo! Getting dragged around. 237 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:24,320 They go at 99.999999% the speed of light, 238 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,760 so they go round 27 kilometres 11,000 times a second 239 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,640 and the cows would weigh, if we did that, 7,000 times more than they do. 240 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,160 - Ouch, my brain! - Wow! 241 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,560 - It's giving me an erection. - What, the LHC? 242 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:46,400 - You've become a Large Hard On Colluder. - Exactly! LAUGHTER 243 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,840 Exploration. That's the value of exploration. 244 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:53,160 And at the smallest level, at a human level and at a cosmic level 245 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:57,160 and at a minute particle level. That's the beauty of it. 246 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:03,400 Oh, gosh, I could almost beat it down, and we must carry on... APPLAUSE 247 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:08,560 I'm glad you are all excited because it is good. APPLAUSE 248 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:14,600 Now, this sounds very existential. When is the present? 249 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,640 I'm not going to fall into that trap! Who's going to say it? 250 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,600 Well, it's not really a trap. It's a genuinely interesting question. 251 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:26,040 There are different ways of trying to describe what the present might be 252 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:29,880 but let's talk about the present in terms of archaeology. 253 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:34,040 Why are there acorns on the sign? Is that connected? 254 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,160 It's the sign for squirrels. 255 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,600 Acorns in the future. Acorns in the past. 256 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,920 Did you not know that squirrels have the capacity to time travel? 257 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,680 They are the only ones who can do that. 258 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:50,800 They keep it very quiet because the nuts are better in the past. 259 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:55,840 Archaeologists have an acronym, BP, which means Before Present. 260 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:59,040 They can date the present. It's an exact date. 261 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,160 January 1st, 1950. 262 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,400 - That's the present? - For archaeologists. 263 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,600 There's a good reason for this. You might be able to work it out. 264 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,640 If you did, I would be very impressed. 265 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,920 - Is it plastics? - Not quite. - Bakelite? 266 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:16,280 - Is it...? - No. Archaeologists are interested in the distant past. 267 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:22,560 And, recently, in the last 100 or so years, certain techniques have enabled us to discover... 268 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,280 Carbon dating. 269 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:28,440 Carbon dating has allowed us to discover how old things are. 270 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:33,440 In the 1950s, basically, they decided by January 1st, 1950, 271 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:38,040 we had so screwed up the atmosphere with nuclear testing 272 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:44,040 that no carbon dating could be trusted after January 1st, 1950. 273 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,160 That is known as the present. 274 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,800 These archaeologists need to learn a bit of physics. 275 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:53,160 According to Einstein's Theory of Space and Time, which is our best theory of space and time, 276 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:59,120 there's no such thing as a present moment which spans the universe or even the Earth 277 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:03,560 or, in fact, even two people moving relative to each other. 278 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:08,160 It is absurd to think of an event that might be happening now in a galaxy 279 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,120 and me doing this as being simultaneous. 280 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,400 That has no meaning, cosmically, does it? 281 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:17,840 You can swap the order of them as long as they're not causally connected. 282 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,080 You know, if I throw a glass... LAUGHTER 283 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:26,200 If I was to throw a glass over there and it smashes on the ground, 284 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,040 obviously, I caused it to smash by throwing it. 285 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,760 You can't have the smash before I throw it. 286 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:37,560 However, say the sun and the Earth, the sun is eight light minutes away, 287 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:42,280 if the sun exploded now, we wouldn't notice for eight minutes. 288 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,640 For eight minutes, anything that I do here, 289 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:50,960 I talk and I talk and, four minutes later, I'm still talking. 290 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,560 You can swap the order of those things around 291 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,760 until the point at which they become causally connected. 292 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,680 In that case, until the explosion destroys the earth. 293 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:04,040 At a quantum level, time can appear to go forwards and backwards 294 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,680 and follow exact rules in whichever way it's going, doesn't it? 295 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,320 Richard Feynman had a theory, which was a legitimate theory, 296 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,360 that there's only one electron in the universe. 297 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,560 We're all made of electrons. 298 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,400 - Slowly. We're all made of what? - Electrons. 299 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,920 How do you spell electron? LAUGHTER 300 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,160 The Sun has exploded. LAUGHTER 301 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:31,560 We have eight minutes to live. LAUGHTER 302 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:35,800 Is it a wine glass or more of a tumbler? LAUGHTER 303 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,200 Richard Feynman, a great physicist, he got a Nobel Prize, 304 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,920 he said that...you see, all electrons are exactly the same. 305 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:48,080 He said, I think perhaps there's only one in the universe 306 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,600 and it keeps moving backwards and forwards through time 307 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:55,360 and every time it crosses "now", this sheet that we call "now", 308 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,440 you see an electron, electron, electron. 309 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:03,440 So all the electrons in my hand, the billions of them, are the same as the electrons in your hand. 310 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,240 It's just one, wandering backwards and forwards in time. 311 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:09,000 And that was a legitimate view. 312 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,560 I've got a feeling that when you're late for a meeting, 313 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,200 you're an absolute nightmare. 314 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,640 LAUGHTER 315 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,400 "You were meant to be here eight minutes ago." 316 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,360 "Well, actually... If I was to throw a..." 317 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:23,400 "Oh, God, he's doing it again!" 318 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:27,280 A man called Arthur Eddington came up with a phrase that 319 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,520 has often been used to describe this nature of time as we perceive it, 320 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,120 which is "time's arrow". 321 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:35,520 People think of it as going in that direction. 322 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,000 There are limitations to that, is really what you're saying, 323 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,320 as a theory. 324 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,120 Yeah. We don't know how time works at a very fundamental level. 325 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,520 But time's arrow - I got my head around that a bit. 326 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:49,720 You don't need maths, everything's going forward and as it does, it decays. 327 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:53,280 - Yes. - So then you understand entropy... 328 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,640 For instance... All you need is an analogy that's pertinent to you, 329 00:20:56,640 --> 00:21:01,360 so in my case, "all relationships", and then you realise...of course! 330 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:04,400 That perfect 18 months, and then they're dead. 331 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:09,160 - The second law of sexual dynamics. - Yeah, that's how I... 332 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,720 According to me, that's how I extrapolate. 333 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:15,720 To make it statistically significant you have to have an awful lot of relationships. 334 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,960 Oh, I do! 335 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,840 And they really do all suffer a form of entropy! 336 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,920 Now, who fancies an ingenious interlude? 337 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:29,600 I have some exciting props that I'm thrilled about - I love doing this. 338 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,800 Here - candles. See? 339 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,000 Candles. 340 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,560 I'm going to light these candles here. 341 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,880 Red, white and blue. 342 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,960 SUE: Is that from the Ikea Black Mass kit?! 343 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,880 ROSS: Is this the point where we all have to kneel down 344 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:48,560 - and pray to Jesus's foreskin? - No! 345 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:53,400 I promise you I'm going to extinguish these candles, right? 346 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:54,800 I have a jug here. 347 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,680 I'm going to extinguish them using an invisible gas. 348 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:01,400 Not by liquid - using an invisible gas. I just want you to tell me... 349 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,680 I'll let Brian off, cos he'll know this. 350 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:08,280 This to him is so "book one, page one" of Boys' Wonder Book of Science, 351 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:12,560 but that's the level I'm at! I'm putting this powder in first. 352 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:16,240 - Do we know what the powder is? - Then I put in this liquid. - Custard. 353 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:20,480 - It's not custard. - Oh, it's...! - I'm going to cover it. Now, watch. 354 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,080 I'm not going to pour the LIQUID onto it, 355 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,160 I'm just going to pour the GAS onto here. 356 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:28,600 - And out go the candles. - Oooh. - SUE: Oh, I like that! 357 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,200 APPLAUSE 358 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,920 - I've got a feeling... - Do another one. Do something else. 359 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,840 I should be presenting the Royal Institution Christmas lectures! 360 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,480 So can one of you, who isn't a professor at Manchester 361 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:47,120 and a fellow of the Royal Society, tell me what was going on there? 362 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:50,000 - Is it magic? - It's not...! LAUGHTER 363 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,720 - SUE: I think it's carbon dioxide going in. - Yes. 364 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,520 I took sodium bicarbonate, 365 00:22:56,520 --> 00:23:00,280 a very common household thing you might use for indigestion 366 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,160 or for cleaning purposes - and vinegar. 367 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,680 I put them together and they precipitated Co2. Which is...? 368 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:07,880 Heavier than air. 369 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,960 And simply pouring it there just snuffed out the candles. 370 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,440 I've never seen anyone pour a gas before. 371 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,880 I know, you don't think of gas as being a pourable thing, but anyway. 372 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,640 I can't tell you how relieved I am that it worked. 373 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,040 Well done, everybody. Especially me! 374 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:23,680 APPLAUSE 375 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:29,920 If you're ever tempted to carry liquid nitrogen in a lift, 376 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,120 which actually in physics departments... 377 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:35,520 - Liquid nitrogen is very cold. - It is cold, but they don't LET you carry it in lifts, 378 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:39,360 because if you spill it, then you get nitrogen gas, and that's heavier than air, 379 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:43,080 - and it pushes all the oxygen to the top of the lift. - And people suffocate? - Yes. 380 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:47,600 - Even though it's nitrogen, which the air is, mainly. - A mixture. 381 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:53,040 Every Al Qaeda cell watching this tonight will be going, "Right!" 382 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:56,160 - "Where's the nearest tower block?" - Running around with nitrogen! 383 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,800 I remember a chemistry lesson, one of the most beautiful things I'd seen. 384 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:06,040 Chemistry master came in, someone had prepared some liquid nitrogen - we didn't quite know what it was - 385 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:10,200 and he came in with a rose he'd just picked from the garden. 386 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:14,200 He dipped the rose in for a second and then smashed it on the table, 387 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,080 and it shattered like glass into a thousand pieces. 388 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,760 You may say, "how destructive" and yet it was staggeringly beautiful. 389 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:24,240 The idea that you could alter the state of something at such speed 390 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:29,680 that it could become...from being the softest, most malleable thing. 391 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:33,280 - Isn't that lovely? Don't you think that's gorgeous? - ROSS: Beautiful. - It is. 392 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:37,400 - I think you're humouring me! - No! - You want me to go back to foreskins. - No. 393 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:42,120 I think it's a hilarious Valentine's Day prank. 394 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,880 "There you go". Wah! "Not for you!" 395 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,600 LAUGHTER 396 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,000 The surface of Saturn's moon, Titan, that's so cold that... 397 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:55,520 Ooh, hang on. I know a Titan! Titan's the one where the Ewoks live! 398 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,960 Ewok planet! Yay! 399 00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,280 You see! 400 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,760 So hang on, I've got it - 401 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,840 so basically, you're saying you can shatter an Ewok. 402 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:10,120 - Yes! It's got lakes of liquid methane. - Wow! - Cos it's so cold. 403 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:12,880 And the methane behaves exactly like water on earth 404 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:16,400 so you get rain - methane rain, methane snow, methane ice 405 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,160 and lakes of methane. 406 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:23,200 - There's a lake there which is as large as Lake Superior. - SUE: Of methane? 407 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,920 - Which is essentially a fart. Liquid fart. - Exactly that. 408 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,080 I don't want to go there. Strike it off. 409 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,160 If I could stand on a planet 410 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:34,640 and throw an Ewok into a lake of fart that would just be... 411 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,920 That'd be... SUE: Smash it into a fart lake. 412 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,360 You couldn't, because it would shatter. 413 00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:41,320 Even better! 414 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:42,600 LAUGHTER 415 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:48,160 Right, so I could be tossing Ewoks into a lake of fart? Aaah. 416 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:51,440 Everyone has their own heaven. That's yours. 417 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:55,320 When you say tossing Ewoks into a lake of fart...?! 418 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,680 LAUGHTER 419 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,400 - Steady. - That's exactly what I meant. 420 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,000 Oh! 421 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,680 You know what? After this show finishes, I'm off. 422 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:10,560 I don't care, you'll never see me again. "Where is he? "He's off tossing Ewoks again. 423 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,880 "Into his lake of fart. On a pedalo made of smoke." 424 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,160 LAUGHTER 425 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,880 "Wa-wa!" 426 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:22,760 Is liquid methane flammable in the same way that methane gas is? 427 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:27,200 This could be one of the great questions on the show. No, but why? 428 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:28,640 On Titan. 429 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:33,040 - Why not? Do say. Is there no oxygen? Ah! - Yep - no oxygen. 430 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:37,680 - SUE: So just fart. - So if there WAS oxygen...? - It would be. 431 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:42,560 All you're thinking of is things to do in the pub! 432 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:46,280 Has that ruined it? Not the image of him, tossing an Ewok, 433 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,120 you don't want to go there because you can't light your fart! 434 00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:51,800 LAUGHTER 435 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:57,280 The great Sydney Smith said heaven was eating foie gras to the sound of trumpets. 436 00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:02,920 You have redefined it as tossing Ewoks on lakes of methane. 437 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,800 Not things to do in HEAVEN, just things to do on Titan. 438 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,600 - Oh, right, Titan! - SUE: That's in the guide book, Things To Do In Titan. 439 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,000 Top Ten in the front of the guide... 440 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:18,160 "If you only have access to a wookie, you will need a bigger lake." 441 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:23,800 That's just basic science. I could tell you that. 442 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,920 A test now of your nautical knowledge. 443 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:32,120 - What variety of lettuce did they serve on board the Titanic? - Iceberg. 444 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:33,160 Ah! 445 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,720 KLAXON 446 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,680 - Well, bless you for... - I took one for the team, as it were. 447 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:47,360 You did take one for the team. No, the iceberg lettuce had been developed in Pennsylvania, 448 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:51,240 but it wasn't available in Europe until many years later. 449 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,720 - Rocket? Lollo rosso? - The answer is, we don't know. 450 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,240 - Oh. - We do know there were 700 heads of lettuce on board. 451 00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,000 SUE: You make them sound like heads of state! 452 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:03,000 The most grand of all the lettuce, the head of lettuce. 453 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,400 Why did they only have 700 lettuce? How many people were on the Titanic? 454 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:11,200 Either they'd already eaten and that was how much was saved or they just didn't order them. 455 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,760 What, they saved the lettuce, but not the people? 456 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:17,120 1,500 people died on that ship! 457 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:20,000 "Get the lettuce, for crying out loud." 458 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,720 No, no, no. I misread my card. It was - hold the front page - 459 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,120 7,000 heads of lettuce. 460 00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:29,720 No wonder the bloody thing sank, it was full of lettuce. 461 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,960 - Lettuces float. - But... 462 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,360 Well, why did it sink, then? 463 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:35,920 LAUGHTER 464 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:39,040 Jesus! What is wrong with these people? 465 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:43,000 - Where do you think the most valuable icebergs are? - Valuable? - Valuable. 466 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,600 - You mean lettuce icebergs or icebergs? - Icebergs. 467 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:49,160 Not necessarily on earth, but in our solar system. 468 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,000 - Oh. - I'm thinking of Neptune or Uranus. 469 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:55,960 Um, no. No. No. NO. 470 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,520 It's thought that the crushing pressure might create 471 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:01,840 oceans of liquid diamond filled with solid diamond icebergs. 472 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:07,280 - Mm. - Ooh. - I dunno who thinks this. - ROSS: Mariah Carey. 473 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:11,360 She was the one that thought of that. 474 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:12,440 LAUGHTER 475 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,560 "How heavy are they? I'll be there!" 476 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:15,800 STEPHEN LAUGHS 477 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:19,960 - Does it seem to you to have any value, or...? - Well, yes. 478 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,320 - It could in principle. - There is a lot of pressure there. 479 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,800 Huge pressures, deep down. Yes. 480 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:29,360 Now, you're on the bridge of the Titanic, all right, 481 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:33,440 you see that iceberg up ahead, it's slightly to your right. 482 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:37,800 What order do you give the helmsman if you want him to turn sharply left? 483 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,840 I think that's port. Left is port. 484 00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:43,840 KLAXON Oh no! 485 00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:48,040 - What? - The odd thing is, right up until 1933, 486 00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:52,520 you gave the opposite command, because a wheel like that 487 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:55,840 is only one form of steering a ship - there were tillers 488 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,520 and if you wanted to turn left, you'd push the tiller right. 489 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:03,320 - You're pushing it to starboard. - Much the same as when you're on a pedalo. 490 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:07,320 Yes, exactly. Because there were at least five different forms of steering, 491 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,360 on different kinds of ship, it was customary to say if you wanted 492 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,720 to go hard port, you'd shout, 493 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:15,480 "hard starboard" and they would go left. 494 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,720 But on a jetski, you turn left and right. 495 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:20,400 So they must have rudders that go in opposition. 496 00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,280 But they have a jet, not a rudder. 497 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,320 It's a JET ski. 498 00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:28,080 It's not called a rudder-ski, is it? 499 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:32,360 Is that how it turns, though? There's the... The press... The jet moves...? 500 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:34,640 - The jet moves on the... - Does it? - I think so. 501 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:38,000 - Yeah. - Brian, do you know? So far, you've known everything! 502 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:43,240 - Have you ever seen a jetski with a rudder? - Don't think they have rudders, no. 503 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:44,280 SUE: They have a jet. 504 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:48,080 It's a JET ski! What are we not getting about the jet... 505 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,800 Sorry. 506 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:51,040 All right. 507 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:56,800 I'd like you to fill in the gaps in these slogans 508 00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,000 for various places or institutions. 509 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,920 We start with County Donegal's slogan, OK? 510 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:04,760 - "Up here it's..." - Windy. 511 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:09,000 - SUE: Green. - It really is windy there. - Different. - It's different. 512 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,680 Up here it's different. 513 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,600 That's Donegal's slogan. 514 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:16,320 You'll be pleased to know. Northumbria Police, however... 515 00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:19,800 "Total..." 516 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,440 Gobshites! 517 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:22,800 Arrest. 518 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,720 "Total policing", I'm sorry to say. 519 00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:27,920 - Total brutality. - Total brutality! 520 00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:30,760 Total policing. 521 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:33,760 "Welcome to Northamptonshire - let yourself..." 522 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:35,240 SUE: Down. 523 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,560 LAUGHTER 524 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:40,360 - Leave. - ROSS: Let yourself out. 525 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:42,000 LAUGHTER 526 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:43,760 At the nearest exit! 527 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,840 No, poor Northamptonshire. Charming place. "Let yourself..." 528 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:49,240 - SUE: Breathe. - Relax. 529 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:52,720 - Breathe is good, relax is... - Go. - Go is not bad. 530 00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:54,080 Grow, apparently. 531 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,320 - Grow. - That is disgusting. - Let yourself go! 532 00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:57,840 Let yourself go! 533 00:31:57,840 --> 00:31:59,600 ROSS: Give yourself a stiffie. 534 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:01,000 ..a large hard-on. 535 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:03,320 This is an optimistic one here. 536 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,520 "Welcome to Tower Hamlets. Let's make it..." 537 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:09,120 - ASBO week. - Out alive. 538 00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,320 Let's make it out alive! 539 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,200 LAUGHTER 540 00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:20,520 Let's make it happen. 541 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:23,720 - Let's make it happen. - Let's make it happen. 542 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:27,920 there's another slogan which said, "It did happen on Friday 17th. 543 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:29,920 "If you witnessed it..." 544 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:31,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 545 00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:36,880 Oh, dear. 546 00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,920 In 2007, the Scottish Parliament and the Tourist Board Scotland 547 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,680 spent £125,000 on launching a new slogan. 548 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:49,880 I want you to find the word they came up with. 549 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,560 They paid some very expensive people. "Welcome to..." 550 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:55,840 - SUE: The heart attack capital of Europe. - It's got to be Scotland. 551 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,040 Scotland is the right answer! 552 00:32:58,040 --> 00:33:03,360 What genius! I mean, God! That was the very best one I've ever seen. 553 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,080 All American states have their mottos as well. 554 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:11,040 Kentucky decided they would spend money on a new phrase for Kentucky. 555 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:14,640 There are two things that most Americans know Kentucky for - 556 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:16,360 horse racing, Kentucky Derby... 557 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,120 - Fried chicken. - No, they don't really know it for that. 558 00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:21,120 ROSS: It's finger lickin' good. 559 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:24,520 The Kentucky Derby is one and the other is bourbon whiskey. 560 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:26,760 They came up with a two word phrase 561 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,200 that embraced both racing and whiskey, 562 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,640 and I just think it is genuinely genius. 563 00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:34,400 - Drunk horses. - No. Every time you cross the state line, 564 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:37,760 you see it, you think actually they were worth their money. 565 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:40,400 It just says, "Unbridled spirit." 566 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:42,560 That is a bit cool. I think that's very good. 567 00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:45,200 I think that's class, you know? 568 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:48,400 - It's not finger lickin' good though, is it? - No, it isn't. 569 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:52,200 Though I would have you know, and one doesn't like to boast, 570 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:56,360 I'm just going to anyway, but I am actually Kentucky's Colonel. 571 00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:59,920 The Governor appoints certain people to be Kentucky Colonels 572 00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:01,760 and, in theory, I could be called up 573 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:05,080 in defence of the Commonwealth of Kentucky as it calls itself. 574 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:08,800 LAUGHTER I know, it's unlikely to happen. 575 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:14,160 "Oh, bothering blast! I can't get the bloody..." 576 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:17,240 I shall throw a family thrift bucket at them. 577 00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:20,080 I did a documentary where I visited all the states of America 578 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:22,720 and they always go, "Which is your favourite state?" 579 00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:26,280 It's very, very hard to answer, but as it happened, about the best time 580 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:30,200 I had was in Kentucky. I thought, "I'll stick to that as my answer." 581 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:32,680 So I said Kentucky, and about three months later, 582 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:35,880 I got a letter from the Governor of Kentucky with a certificate 583 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:39,520 and, of course, with a baseball cap and various other objects, 584 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,880 saying that I had been made a colonel in the army of Kentucky. 585 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,600 There you are. You shall call me Colonel Fry from now on. 586 00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:49,640 - I have the key to the city of Port Pirie in Australia. - Do you? 587 00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:53,200 I was doing a gig and I was talking to a bloke. Turned out he was 588 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:56,240 the mayor, so I went, "Can I have the key to the city?" 589 00:34:56,240 --> 00:34:58,560 And he went, "Yeah, all right then." 590 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:00,320 LAUGHTER 591 00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:03,960 I didn't want him to back out, so I said, "Where's your offices?" 592 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:07,000 "On the high street." "I'll be down there tomorrow." 593 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:11,880 So I turned up, he got a shed key and a ribbon and went, "There you go." 594 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:14,680 So there wasn't much Latin spoken or anything like that. 595 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:18,800 No, there wasn't a ceremony, I just turned up to the offices. 596 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:21,600 It was just a shed key in a bag. 597 00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:25,320 You'll like this story about driving in America. 598 00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:30,200 I got a sat nav and we drove from Atlantic City and the car hire place 599 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:32,600 was just off Lexington Avenue in Manhattan. 600 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:35,440 So I put "Lexington Avenue" in the sat nav 601 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:39,080 - and it took me to Lexington Avenue on Staten Island. - Oh, no. 602 00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:44,240 After about an hour, I was thinking, "This isn't feeling quite right," 603 00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:49,120 and then it took me down a residential street off the freeway. 604 00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:53,160 Then it just said, "You have reached your destination." 605 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:56,280 No, that's someone's house. 606 00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,920 I was expecting, you know, yellow cabs and skyscrapers... 607 00:35:59,920 --> 00:36:04,120 I've just done voice for them, so that if you have TomTom or Garmin... 608 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:08,800 You drive along and it goes, "Now the interesting thing..." 609 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 610 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,640 "Now, now, now... 611 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:19,800 "The most darnedest thing, you would not believe it, but..." 612 00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:23,320 Did you do as if you were talking to me, that's the worrying thing. 613 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:26,040 Left, you moron! 614 00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:31,560 If you take a wrong turn instead of making a U turn, does the hooter come on? BEEP! BEEP! 615 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,200 I've put my voice on Katie's. When she drives, it's me. 616 00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:39,040 - Oh, that's nice. - You can record it, "Left! Left! Left! LEFT!" 617 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:41,400 LAUGHTER 618 00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:45,440 - Which is funny the first couple of times. - Yes, that's the problem. 619 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,040 I had a sat nav, after Port Pirie, 620 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:51,360 and the Nullarbor Plain in Australia... 621 00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:53,520 Between Adelaide and Perth. 622 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,920 Yeah, the longest straight road in the world 623 00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:01,120 and I sat on my bike, turned it on and it said, 624 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:04,760 "Drive forward for two days." 625 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:09,240 And then it went, "Then turn left." 626 00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:12,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 627 00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:18,360 The stupid thing was, it was such a long road, 628 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,120 I missed the left-hand turn. 629 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:24,440 You know that sat nav uses relativity? Do you know that? 630 00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:25,640 Oh, tell us. 631 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:32,520 I do know this. Is this right, because of the gravitational pull 632 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:36,840 I do know this, up in space, if they weren't regulated, 633 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:39,760 it would be a year out? Is that right? 634 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:46,200 It'd be 38,000 nanoseconds per day... 635 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:48,800 A year! 38,000, pah! 636 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,560 Because the rule of thumb is 637 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:54,480 light travels almost precisely one foot in one nanosecond, 638 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:57,440 so a foot is one light nanosecond. 639 00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:00,360 So 38,000 nanoseconds a day is 38,000 feet a day. 640 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:05,080 That's how much it'd drift if you didn't take account of the fact that time... 641 00:38:05,080 --> 00:38:07,280 Because of the gravitational field. 642 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:11,360 So the point is that the maths built into the processors 643 00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:13,680 in these geo-stationary satellites, 644 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,080 has to take into account Einsteinian physics? 645 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:20,680 Yes. I visited the GPS headquarters, it's in Colorado. 646 00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:24,040 - ROSS: I bet that's easy to find. - This is honestly true. 647 00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:28,560 We typed it into a sat nav and it took us into a field. 648 00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:30,080 It didn't take us there. 649 00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:34,280 But when they launched it, the US Air Force was very suspicious 650 00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:38,640 of this Swiss bloke and his relativity nonsense, 651 00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:42,840 and had the option of not correcting, because they could not believe that 652 00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:46,560 time passes a different rate in orbit than it does on the ground. 653 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:50,120 If you took a sat nav, a normal domestic sat nav, right, 654 00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:52,160 and put it in space rocket, 655 00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:57,120 and went up into space towards the satellite, what would happen? 656 00:38:57,120 --> 00:39:01,520 Very good. That is exactly the kind of experiment that Einstein liked to do, isn't it? 657 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:05,320 Yeah, me and Einstein are like that. 658 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:09,040 Listen, we could go on like this for ever, but we're simply not going to. 659 00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:11,800 We stumble now into the gaping moor of general ignorance. 660 00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,440 Fingers on buzzers, quick as you can, 661 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,960 what's the definition of a galaxy? 662 00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:18,560 BABY GURGLES 663 00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:22,240 - Yes! - 'Nobody knows.' 664 00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:26,080 You're right. Essentially there is no absolutely official decision, 665 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,400 but there are scientists trying to work out 666 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,720 precisely what a galaxy might be. 667 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:33,680 Duncan Forbes of Swinburne University in Australia 668 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:36,440 and Pavel Kroupa of the University of Bonn in Germany. 669 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:40,800 They have a launched an online survey and we've been allowed 670 00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:43,240 to be the first to see the results of the poll. 671 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:46,000 But based on that, there is already one new galaxy 672 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:49,360 that fits - globular cluster Omega Centauri 673 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:54,080 seems to qualify, according to those criteria, as a galaxy. 674 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,760 In the Hubble deep field image, this year the most distant galaxy 675 00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:00,440 ever discovered was found in that photograph, 676 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:05,360 and it's 13.2 billion light years away. 677 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:08,160 The Earth's been here for five billion years, 678 00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:12,920 so for most of the journey of the light from those galaxies you can see in that image, 679 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:15,520 the Earth wasn't even here, it wasn't formed. 680 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:17,920 It formed when they were almost halfway. 681 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:22,440 The further away you look, the further towards the birth of the universe you're looking. 682 00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:25,560 How do we know which direction to look? Did it begin over there, 683 00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:27,960 or over there? Or we on the surface of a balloon? 684 00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:31,280 It began here, so the Big Bang happened here in every point in space. 685 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,960 The picture is that space and time began at that point, 686 00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:38,920 and it's been stretching ever since, so all of space and all of time 687 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:41,320 in some sense were there at the Big Bang, 688 00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:44,800 so the Big Bang happened everywhere. There's no centre. 689 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:49,720 ROSS: You can't really see it because black's a very slimming colour! 690 00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:54,520 It's true. I just think it's all beautiful, wonderful and amazing. 691 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:56,280 So name an insect that spins a web. 692 00:40:56,280 --> 00:40:58,480 BABY GURGLE Yes, Sue. 693 00:40:58,480 --> 00:40:59,960 Er, spiders. 694 00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:03,200 ALARM BLARES 695 00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:06,640 - It's an arachnid! - It's an arachnid, Susan! 696 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:11,120 - What's the difference? - It's got legs... Body! 697 00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:12,880 Insects have how many legs? 698 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:16,080 - Six. - Erm...two, four, six, eight. - And spiders have eight. 699 00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:18,080 And insects have six. 700 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:22,240 It was particularly an insect that spins a web I was after. 701 00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:25,840 - The difference is the pedantry of biologists. - It is, you're right! 702 00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:29,720 - Is there a six-legged spider? - There isn't a six-legged spider as far as I know. 703 00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:33,280 - Does a moth spin? - Yes. There's a very famous moth whose lava 704 00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:36,720 - is responsible for this tie. - The silkworm. - The Bombyx, the silkworm, 705 00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:39,280 is the lava of a moth, but it's not really a web, 706 00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:42,200 but there are insects that spin webs. 707 00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:46,000 These are cocoon-type things for them to pupate inside. 708 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:49,520 Goats, also. Goats obviously aren't insects, but this does sound really 709 00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:51,920 like science fiction of the worst possible kind. 710 00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:57,640 - Spin? - Goats, yes. Scientists have implanted the silk producing gene 711 00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,080 from spiders into goats. 712 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:04,080 When the goats lactate, their milk contains silk, 713 00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:08,160 which can be harvested, dried and spun into fibres. 714 00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:11,120 It's a nightmare if you've ever been caught in a goat web. 715 00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:14,360 It's horrible. I'll be there for days sometimes. 716 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:17,520 There's a lot you can get out of goat - you can get cheese, wool, 717 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:19,520 sex... Sorry! You can get... LAUGHTER 718 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:21,480 I don't know where that came from. 719 00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:25,720 Anyway, basically, they keep giving, goats. 720 00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:29,880 - Just put the back legs in your wellies. - Oh! I-I-I... 721 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:33,600 Anyway, the point is several insects do spin webs 722 00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,240 of which the best known are the web spinners. 723 00:42:36,240 --> 00:42:38,960 Spiders, however, are not insects. 724 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:43,760 And finally the scores, which are as baffling as always. 725 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:47,280 It's fascinating, it's remarkable, it's wonderful it's exciting. 726 00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:50,080 In last place, despite an extraordinary performance 727 00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:54,120 and remarkable knowledge in many areas, I'm afraid it's Sue Perkins with -17. 728 00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,320 APPLAUSE 729 00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:03,000 A highly creditable third place with -6, Ross Noble. 730 00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:04,920 APPLAUSE 731 00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:10,040 But surely putting himself in contention for a Nobel Prize 732 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:13,840 sometime in the next few years, on +2 Alan Davies. 733 00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:17,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 734 00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:24,160 And it can come as no surprise that the mop top from Oldham is our winner. 735 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:27,720 On +5, it's Professor Brian Cox. 736 00:43:27,720 --> 00:43:29,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 737 00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:38,800 It only remains for me to thank Brian, Sue, Ross and Alan, 738 00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:42,400 and to leave you with this observation from Will Rogers - 739 00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:45,080 an ignorant person is one who doesn't know 740 00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,240 what you have only just found out. 741 00:43:47,240 --> 00:43:48,400 Good night. 742 00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:03,880 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 743 00:44:03,880 --> 00:44:06,000 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk