1 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,040 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,240 Goo-o-o-o-d evening! 3 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,400 Good evening, good evening, good evening! 4 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,720 Goo-o-d evening and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:40,880 where the composition of our panel is intentionally international. 6 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:43,720 From Denmark, Sandi Toksvig... 7 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,920 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:51,240 From Germany, Henning Wehn... 9 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,320 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 10 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,680 From Scotland, Clive Anderson... 11 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:02,040 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,840 And from God knows where, Alan Davies! 13 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:14,800 Tonight's show is all about inattention and ineptitude. 15 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,360 Alan, what is tonight's show about? 16 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,880 Inattention and ineptitude. 17 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,960 - (SIREN SOUNDS) - Oh-h-h! 18 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,440 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 19 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,520 That's ten points off for a start, because tonight's show 20 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,160 - is all about inequality and injustice. - Oh, of course! 21 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:31,640 And so we unjustly took 10 points away from you, 22 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,680 because this is a show in which nothing will be fair, 23 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,040 from top to bottom, 24 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,920 so let's get it over with and go straight to the scores! 25 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:42,440 In first place, with -54, 26 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,960 it's Sandi Toksvig! 27 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,440 APPLAUSE 28 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,920 (BUZZER) 'Whay-hay!' 29 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,560 Congratulations! 30 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,200 In second place with +7, is Clive Anderson! 31 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,520 (BUZZER) 'Objection, m'lud!' 32 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,160 In third place with minus sechzig, is Henning Wehn... 33 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,240 (BUZZER) 'Don't mention za var!' 34 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:05,120 And lastly, obviously, with minus one gazillion, is Alan Davies! 35 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,680 (BUZZER) 'Boooo!' 36 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 37 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:16,600 CLIVE: So that's it, you've done the scores already? 38 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,960 The scores are already done, but we've still got questions to ask. 39 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,960 And don't forget your nobody knows joker. 40 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:26,000 BUGLE CALL 41 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,800 There's a question, maybe two, or three, 42 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,200 to which the correct answer is, "nobody knows". 43 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,280 If you wave your nobody knows joker you get extra points, 44 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,560 or maybe you lose them, 45 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:39,200 or maybe you don't, because the scores have already been given. 46 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,920 It's an unjust game tonight. The first question is easy, 47 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:46,680 so I'll give it randomly to my old friend, Sandi. 48 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,000 What can you tell me about this chap behind you? 49 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,320 Ooh! Er, well, do you think that the words give it away, 50 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,080 or is that going to be unfair? 51 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,880 Er, the fact that it says, "The Puritan." 52 00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:58,960 Well... 53 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,920 SIREN SOUNDS 54 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,360 - That seems unfair! - It does, doesn't it? 55 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:09,200 Because what it is, is the 19th century IDEA of a Puritan, 56 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,600 and in fact the 19th century idea of a Puritan, 57 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:15,240 which we retain to this day, is completely inaccurate. 58 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,720 The steeple hat, the clothing, no evidence 59 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,240 they ever wore... 60 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,160 They wore a beanie hat, did they? 61 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,280 They wore ordinary clothes, but if having a portrait taken, 62 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,240 they usually wore their Sunday best, 63 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,280 which tended to be black. 64 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,440 - So he's not a Puritan at all? - He's a 19th century idea of a Puritan. 65 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:35,680 - You were right to say he was a Puritan... - I was merely reading! 66 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,800 ..and I was unjust. You've lost 10 points, 67 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,360 - but it doesn't matter because you've already won! - Yes! 68 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,920 - Do you know, I'm quite relaxed about the whole show? - Exactly! 69 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,120 Now, what can you tell me about the Puritans, in America? 70 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,240 Er, they went over on the Mayflower? 71 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:53,120 - No... - I keep expecting the thing to go off again! - Yeah! 72 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,760 They didn't go on the Mayflower? 73 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,000 No. The great American myth, if you like, 74 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,200 is the Puritans arrived on the Mayflower, 75 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,920 and they came to avoid religious persecution. 76 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,880 In fact, they came in order to be able to persecute. 77 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:09,840 - Yeah, but they hated the Quakers. - They objected to religious freedom in England, 78 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:13,680 that meant you could have all kinds of ranges of religion. 79 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:18,360 In 1660, they hanged a woman just for being a Quaker. 80 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,920 - Mary Dyer. - That's right, the very one. 81 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:24,480 Obviously many people did come to America to avoid persecution, 82 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,280 but the idea the Puritans came to avoid persecution, 83 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:28,600 they came to persecute, 84 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,200 they wanted to build a country 85 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,800 in which there could be no dissent from Puritanism. 86 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,000 Puritans, they regarded luxury as sinful, didn't they? 87 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:42,000 Some of them set off to America and the others opened B&Bs in Britain! 88 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,120 - Hey! - Yeah... 89 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:50,040 B&Bs, breakfast until seven - don't call it B&B, just call it B! 90 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,120 LAUGHTER 91 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:55,360 If you've got no intention of serving breakfast, don't call it B&B. 92 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:59,760 Do you know, I once sailed all the way round Britain, 93 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,000 and we finally got to Northumbria, and on the coastline, 94 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,160 there was a house with paint saying, 95 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,560 "Bed and breakfast, hot and cold water." 96 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:11,560 I thought, "Only in this country, would you feel you must advertise you have both." 97 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,720 Oh yes. Pride! 98 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,600 It used to be hot and cold running water. 99 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,640 Not just a bucket lying there, there's pipes and everything! 100 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,200 In this painting, did the native there, on the left, 101 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:27,960 did he bring that tree to hide behind, because he looks... LAUGHTER 102 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,040 He doesn't look happy! 103 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,240 - See which way the wind is blowing. - I think he knows what's coming! 104 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,120 It's true, Stephen, the Puritans went on the Mayflower. 105 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:41,560 They say they landed at Plymouth Rock, but it was Provincetown, so none of it is true? 106 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,400 I'm afraid, yeah, it's a myth. 107 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,640 Every country likes to build up a legend of its own foundation. 108 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,480 Really ugly baby! 109 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,280 LAUGHTER 110 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:53,520 It IS a rather ugly baby! 111 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,000 Like a tiny person standing behind that woman. 112 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:00,400 It's not any use... don't learn that expression, "really ugly baby". 113 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:04,000 There's never an opportunity to use that in real life. 114 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,800 Little tiny... I'm really enjoying this painting... 115 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,120 They've come all the way over, brought one pickaxe and a hat. 116 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,840 LAUGHTER 117 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,320 It's no basis on which to build a country, is it? 118 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,320 The guy on the right brought a girl. 119 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,040 300 years later, it was the mightiest nation on Earth. 120 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:22,880 - Extraordinary! No offence! - Don't think the man in the hat had much to do with it! 121 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,400 Anyway, that was our first unfair question. 122 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,240 Puritans didn't really dress like that. What key role 123 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:32,480 did a Puritan pig play in the trial of George Spencer in 1641? 124 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,280 - Is that the actual pig we're looking at? - No, that is not the actual pig! 125 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:41,400 Because that's a photograph of a modern pig posing as a 1641 pig. 126 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,880 A rather similar picture of myself at a spa! 127 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:47,320 LAUGHTER 128 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:51,360 Oh, now! You've got two fewer nipples! 129 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:55,600 Well, certainly, the nipples were a surprise! 130 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,280 - But that look of contentment! - Yes. - Absolutely! 131 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,120 - One happy pig. - That's a pig in clover. 132 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,160 A pig in clover, absolutely! 133 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,880 - George... When did you say, what year did you say? - 1641. 134 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,600 Are we talking about witchcraft? 135 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,640 We're in New Haven, Connecticut, the centre of the Puritan... 136 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,040 - Is this a bit like that monkey they hanged in Hartlepool? - Well... 137 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,560 Because they thought he was French, didn't they? 138 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,920 The monkey was hanged because they thought him a French spy. 139 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:23,440 They knew French people spoke a different language and were small, 140 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,320 and cartoonists had made them look diminutive and nasty, 141 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,560 so they see a little monkey, they buy the propaganda! 142 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:32,600 - When the monkey was in the dock it was thoroughly evasive! - Yes! 143 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:36,640 It didn't give a straight answer to any question! 144 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:40,920 This, on the other hand, is a Puritan world, and I would remind you of Leviticus 20:15. 145 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,800 Not eating pork, presumably? 146 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,880 No, "If a man lie with a beast, 147 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,640 "he shall surely be put to death, and ye shall slay the beast." 148 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,480 - He laid with a pig! - Did George have his end away with a piece of pork? 149 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,720 He just fancied a bit of crackling, that's all! 150 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,720 It's even unfairer than that. 151 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:02,520 It so happened that George was a rather ugly fellow, who was bald and had one eye, 152 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:08,560 and one day a sow farrowed, I think is the word, a litter of piglets, 153 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:13,520 one of whom was strikingly similar to George, 154 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,600 and had one eye, and so George was immediately 155 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:20,760 put in front of the Puritan court, accused of having lain with the pig. 156 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,800 He didn't have the chance to get a super injunction? 157 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,040 Disgraceful! 158 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:30,120 He denied it strenuously, as you might! 159 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:34,280 Typically, the Puritans then said, "There shall be mercy shown, 160 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,120 "should you be open and honest." 161 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,480 So he thought, "If I say yes they'll let me off", 162 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:43,360 so he said, "I laid with the pig", and they said, "The mercy will be shown by the Lord, but not by us." 163 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,920 For there to be a capital offence there had to be two witnesses to it, 164 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,960 so they included the pig. 165 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:54,800 So they brought the pig into the trial to speak against itself, 166 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:59,640 or squeak against itself, and both George and the pig were executed. 167 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:04,160 - Both got the chop. - Both got the chop! - Did the pig shyly look at George, 168 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,160 in a kind of I-remember-that-night way? 169 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,280 I think the whole thing was just... 170 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:13,240 The pig came in and said, "That bastard, he never rang... 171 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,720 LAUGHTER 172 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,600 "..he just used me!" 173 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:21,000 Some 50 years later, there was the famous mass hysteria in Salem... 174 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:25,480 - Salem witch trials... - The witch trials, but this was before them, 175 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,040 there were the bestiality obsessions as well. 176 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,960 - Who's the other witness, though? - George. George said yes. 177 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,440 - So his confession... - His tricked confession was counted. 178 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,680 If you'd been there, he'd have got off, Clive. 179 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,400 Of course, I'd like to think so, 180 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,080 but these days, you convict people on a confession, 181 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,360 you don't even need the pig! 182 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,160 There was a man caught 183 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,000 in an intimate situation with a donkey in 1710 in France. 184 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:53,160 He was caught in the act with a female donkey, 185 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:57,080 and character witnesses appeared - this is what was so sweet - 186 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,240 on behalf of the donkey... LAUGHTER 187 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,200 ..saying, "This was an honest donkey 188 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,840 "and a modest donkey and a decent donkey," 189 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,520 so the man was executed and the donkey got off scot-free. 190 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,280 The law is an ass! 191 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,640 It seems very unfair to execute the pig. 192 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,440 - Totally! - If the sin is lying with the beast... 193 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,120 No, Leviticus, I remind you, 194 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,160 "If a man lie with the beast he shall surely be put to death, 195 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,680 "and ye shall slay the beast." 196 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,320 - Ah! - Does anyone know, 197 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:29,240 why did the New Haven Puritans abolish trial by jury? 198 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:33,840 Well, the Bible has stuff about, "Judge not, that ye be not judged." 199 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,840 I think it's in the gospels. 200 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,920 Does that go on to say, "..and don't be on a jury, either." 201 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,880 Oddly enough, you're in the right area. 202 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,000 It's simply that juries are not mentioned in the Bible. 203 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,320 They thought they had no place in life 204 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,680 as they didn't have them in biblical times. 205 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:54,520 What about a propelling pencil? They wouldn't have that either. 206 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:59,280 Well, quite. There are Amish communities and various other Brethren who don't. 207 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,760 - It's a sin to use a propelling pencil? - Well, it's very hard. I agree. 208 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,360 It's a very peculiar world, the world of the Puritan. 209 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,640 America's full of those strange rules. 210 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,880 Did you know that it's still the law in Alabama that it is illegal 211 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:16,560 to wear a fake moustache in church that causes laughter? 212 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,520 LAUGHTER 213 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,280 They got Groucho Marx on that! 214 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,320 It's fine otherwise. 215 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,120 It's OK if it's serious? 216 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:28,920 If people take it seriously, but if it causes laughter in the church, you're out. 217 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,960 I think under Thatcher or maybe just after, under John Major, 218 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,600 - there was a Lord Chancellor called Lord Mackay of Clashfern - do you remember him? - Fine man. 219 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,080 He was a member of the Order known as the Wee Frees, 220 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:43,560 who are a very extreme sect of Presbyterians. 221 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:47,040 And he was actually expelled from the Wee Frees 222 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,560 for attending the wedding of a friend who was a Catholic. 223 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,920 It was the funeral of a judge who was Catholic, 224 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:56,640 and that's consorting with the Antichrist, unfortunately. 225 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,760 - Just going to a friend's funeral... - He was an elder of the Kirk, 226 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,640 and had spent his whole life in the Church and he had to go. 227 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:06,440 Expelled just for going to a friend's funeral. There was a good story about him 228 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,480 - I'm not saying any Scottish mean jokes, 229 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,960 but he was apparently quite a frugal man. 230 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,480 Apparently he held a tea party for various lawyers 231 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,680 and procurator fiscals, or whatever they're called in Scotland, 232 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:21,760 and there was tea, and there was a tiny pot of honey and some toast. 233 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,920 Someone had this little pot of honey, and one of the lawyers looked at it and said, 234 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,440 "I see Your Lordship keeps a bee." 235 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,480 LAUGHTER 236 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,760 - A very good line. - He was a fine man, though. 237 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,920 ..and a good lawyer, no doubt. Or he wouldn't have risen to his eminence. 238 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,560 We have odd flashes of Puritanism, because I was listening to 239 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,400 Radio 5 the other day and they had an actress on, not Angelina Jolie, 240 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,520 but the one who's Lara Croft in the latest Tomb Raider film. 241 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:53,440 Cut a long story short, they airbrushed her nipples out of the poster. 242 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:57,520 Her nipples were showing through her costume, just the two little... 243 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,680 But this was radio! 244 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,240 LAUGHTER 245 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,520 Not just for the radio! 246 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:06,080 And she had complained about it and said, 247 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,080 "Why have you airbrushed my nipples? That's ridiculous. Why not just leave them?" 248 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:14,520 And the presenter said, "Well, perhaps they thought they weren't suitable for children?" 249 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,840 LAUGHTER 250 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,280 Nipples not being suitable for children! 251 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:23,320 - She said, "Are you being serious? My nipples?" - They are expressly designed... 252 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:27,280 ..for the purpose of the continuation of our race! 253 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:32,040 I did a sitcom for Channel 4 with the lovely Mike McShane. And he played a sex expert 254 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,120 and we decided his apartment would have lots of sex things in it. 255 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,880 And he would have a coat rack made entirely of penises. 256 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,880 And this went the Channel 4 lawyers and they said, 257 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,640 "You can have the penises, as long as they're not erect." 258 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,080 And I said, "Well, how will it work as a coat rack?" 259 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,320 LAUGHTER 260 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,760 Not my specialist area, but nevertheless! 261 00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:00,080 You have to excite your peg before you can hang your coat up. 262 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:04,000 Right. Royal unfairness, now. 263 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,760 Who got the blame when the Prince of Wales misbehaved? 264 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:12,680 Seeing we're in Britain, usually the Germans. 265 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,840 Well, they are Germans, so... LAUGHTER 266 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,560 - Is it this Prince? - It's not actually this one. 267 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,000 - Is it another Charles? - It's not, actually. 268 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,880 - All princes of blood. - Edward VIII was always in trouble. 269 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,000 Queen Victoria said, "If I get the right..." 270 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,080 Earlier ones were often in trouble. 271 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,480 What I'm really talking about here, I suppose, 272 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:35,080 is the business of corporal punishment. 273 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,920 Until very, very, very recently in human history 274 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,120 has it become unfashionable and indeed considered wrong 275 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,640 to strike a child for a misdeed. 276 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,680 - It's now illegal to do so. - Is it? 277 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,760 I believe so. LAUGHTER 278 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,040 Just on the way here, a small urchin annoyed me! 279 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,800 It used to be considered, 280 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,560 it used to be considered 281 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:01,160 not only empirically but in every other sense a good thing to do. 282 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:05,400 How is he holding that child up? He's got his thumb wedged in his... 283 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,360 It's the only way of holding him up. It's like a bowling ball. 284 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:09,960 LAUGHTER 285 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,720 Don't know whether that's Dotheboys Hall from Nicholas Nickleby or similar. 286 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,160 Generally speaking, almost everybody was agreed it was good for children to be beaten. 287 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,200 There was the Bible, "He who spareth the rod hateth his son. 288 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,000 "Withhold not correction from your child. 289 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:29,480 "Beat him with the rod and thou shall deliver his soul from Hell." Apparently. 290 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:32,440 Children were always beaten. We're the first generation... 291 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,560 - I'm not. I was beaten hugely as a child at prep school. - Were you? 292 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,680 God, yes. From the age of seven till 13, at least twice a week. 293 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,240 I was a bad boy and I was always being thrashed. 294 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:46,840 - What for? - Oh, stealing, lying, cheating, being cheeky, being a nuisance, 295 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,920 - evading games... - Bit of a smart arse? 296 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:52,600 - Being a smart arse. - Bit too clever for your own good, that sort of thing? 297 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,120 Always telling everybody what was going on? 298 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:59,200 Well, they certainly beat that out of you, didn't they? 299 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,720 And I was beaten a great deal and it did me no harm... 300 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:04,040 HE GROANS 301 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,120 It was common practice. 302 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,760 It was outlawed in state schools when? 303 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,720 When was it actually made law that you were not allowed to strike a child? 304 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,360 - Later than you think. - I'd guess under New Labour. 305 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,800 - Er, no. - No? 306 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,840 - '70s? - It was 1986. 307 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,000 1986? 308 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,280 1986 when it was made illegal in state schools to beat children, 309 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,600 and it was a very close vote. 310 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,400 - Under Margaret Thatcher? - 231 to 230. - In state schools? 311 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,920 By just one. Do you know whom state school children have to thank 312 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,080 for the fact they were not beaten from that day forward? It's odd. 313 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,040 - Michael Howard or something? - No. It's even weirder. 314 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,080 - Ann Widdecombe? - No, it's just too weird to be believed. 315 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,960 Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. Dear Duchess of York, Fergie. 316 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,720 The manager of Manchester United? 317 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,040 No, the Duchess of York, Fergie, as I just said. 318 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,440 Black Eyed Peas? 319 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,840 That, I will repeat, Duchess of York, Fergie. 320 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:59,320 I hadn't finished my Fergie material. 321 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,400 A tractor? LAUGHTER 322 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:05,640 A massive Fergie, yes, you could say. 323 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,360 - Why? - That Fergie. 324 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:11,240 Well, it so happened the vote was on that day that she was marrowing... 325 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:15,640 Marrowing? Marrowing Prince Andrew. LAUGHTER 326 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,400 She loved to marrow Prince Andrew. 327 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,560 I think marrowing the prince is illegal. 328 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,880 What a great expression. "Have you time for some marrowing?" 329 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,720 I'm going to Google that when I get in. 330 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,120 Apparently, the traffic held-up enough Tory MPs, 331 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:35,040 who were likely to have voted to keep beating, 332 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,280 for the anti-beating measure to go through. 333 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,520 - Was this a whipped vote? - Wa-hey! 334 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,520 I thought you meant she campaigned for it? 335 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,520 No, no. It just so happened the vote, no, happened. 336 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,240 Entirely inadvertent, she did something useful. 337 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,680 By mistake. By mistake, she helped. 338 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,880 When was it, or is it, indeed, illegal in private schools? 339 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,560 You have to pay extra, though. LAUGHTER 340 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,440 - I think it isn't, now. - It isn't. - It's very recent. 341 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:05,200 - Under the Human Rights Act, it must. - Yes. In 1999, basically, is when that stopped being legal. 342 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,840 Until then, children were beaten. 343 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,720 They were beaten for making mistakes, 344 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,160 they were beaten for all kinds of reasons. 345 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:16,200 But there was this idea also that you learned better, 346 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:20,640 that things could literally be beaten into you, knowledge could be beaten into you. 347 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,720 So, what happened when it came to a prince? 348 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:26,400 You can't have a commoner, even their tutor, beating a prince 349 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,600 because he's made a mistake in his algebra. 350 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:32,080 - You beat his teddy? - Well, you appointed someone. 351 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:36,800 A child, a friend of the prince, who, 352 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,520 when the prince made a mistake, you whipped him. 353 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:43,600 And that phrase, which is in common currency, is whipping boy. 354 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,760 - They become peer then, later on, don't they? - Yes. That's the point. 355 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,360 It was actually a much sought-after post. 356 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:52,760 Fathers would want their sons to be whipping boy. 357 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:57,480 They were close to the Royal Family. Charles I, for example, had a whipping boy when he was a prince 358 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,640 and he raised him to the Earl of Dysart, a title that still exists. 359 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,400 They became quite powerful people. 360 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,760 The idea was, of course, they would be friends, 361 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,480 that the prince would like his whipping boy, 362 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,800 so that he would try hard. 363 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,960 Obviously sometimes they might think, "I don't bloody care!" 364 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,600 It's a most peculiar idea, 365 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,680 but that's where whipping boy comes from. 366 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:21,680 Is there an official title? There are titles like Silver Stick-in-Waiting. 367 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,320 This could be Crimson Bottom. 368 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:29,120 Gentleman of the Stool was an existing one, as you know. 369 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:34,120 It was the one who had to wipe the King's bottom under Henry VIII. 370 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:37,680 - Can't they do anything themselves? - They seem not to be able to. 371 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,560 Um, erm, yes... There is a part of... 372 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,760 LAUGHTER 373 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,440 - I presume he'd have a long stick. - Yes, I'd assume they would. 374 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,400 A stick with a rag, do it from a distance. 375 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,960 LAUGHTER 376 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,400 - There's a part of Germany... - Oops! 377 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,840 LAUGHTER Sorry for all the mime. 378 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,040 I've always wanted to be a mime. LAUGHTER 379 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,800 This is the only opportunity I get. 380 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,840 It's more fun than walking into the wind. 381 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,120 I suppose you might be, I don't know! 382 00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:10,880 You may think British schoolmasters are amongst the most sadistic, 383 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,720 but it's to Germany we turn 384 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,560 for really good examples of how to treat children. 385 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,200 In Swabia in west southern Germany, 386 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:22,280 there was a headmaster there who logged all his punishments in a book. 387 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:25,520 And over his career as headmaster at this school, 388 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:30,520 he logged 911,500 canings 389 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,320 121,000 floggings, 390 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:37,200 as well as numerous other punishments during a 51 year career. 391 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,440 That's nearly 400 chastisements a week. 392 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,400 Some would have been delegated - he would've been exhausted. 393 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,640 Other punishments he logs include 394 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:50,480 700 boys being made to stand with peas in their shoes - not too bad - 395 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:55,560 and 6,000 made to kneel on the sharp edge of a stick. 396 00:20:55,560 --> 00:21:00,640 - This was not a nice man. - It's not about the education. There's something more going on there. 397 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,440 And Eton College had a famous headmaster called Dr Keate - 398 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:07,760 there's a Keate's Lane in Eton - who was known as Flogger Keate. 399 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,400 He once flogged the entire Eton cricket team 400 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,320 for losing to Winchester. 401 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,400 Including the scorer. 402 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,200 LAUGHTER 403 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,200 So that was the whipping boy. 404 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,600 There's a kind of religious equivalent. This poor boy who takes the sins of the prince, 405 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,120 what was there in the Jewish faith that was the equivalent? 406 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:30,440 You've got the lamb or the goat. The goat famously known as the... 407 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:35,200 - Scapegoat! - Exactly. - I was expecting the thing to go off there. - No. That's exactly what they were. 408 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,480 Scapegoat. There's the famous Holman Hunt painting of The Scapegoat. 409 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:43,280 This was during the day of atonement, Yom Kippur, the goat would be sent out 410 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:48,160 to carry the sins of the people, it bore the sins of the people. 411 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:52,960 And then Christianity is just a refinement of that, where Christ bore the sins of the people. 412 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:57,160 It happens in a lot of religions that you offload your own 413 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,560 wickedness onto something else. 414 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,240 So, it is there from whipping boys to scapegoats. 415 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,040 They exist in the language still, 416 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,600 this idea of offloading one's own guilt. 417 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:12,120 In the Isle of Man, they had corporal punishment until 1976. 418 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:15,640 What type of wood did they administer it with? 419 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,640 Well, I know I'm going to get a buzz on this 420 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,640 because it's normally called birching. 421 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,000 KLAXON 422 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,120 It doesn't matter anyway! 423 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,320 So did it depend on how bad you'd been? 424 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,720 If you were really bad, it was holly, and they left the leaves on, 425 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,040 but if you weren't so bad, it would be like willow fronds. 426 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,520 - Balsa wood. - Or balsa wood. 427 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,360 - Hazel. Yeah, they used hazel. - Hazel. 428 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:43,960 In Britain, birching, as it was known, 429 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,720 was banned in 1948, 430 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,480 but they didn't stop it until the 1970s in the Isle of Man. 431 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:53,600 They tried to keep it by saying, "OK, what about if we let them keep their trousers on?" 432 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,920 In America there is still the tradition 433 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,200 in some parts of birthday spanking. 434 00:22:58,200 --> 00:22:59,440 Really? 435 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,800 Yeah, where you go to school and because it's your special day, 436 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:08,640 as a special treat, the teacher takes the paddle out and you get a few. 437 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:12,440 Some people say, "We have to ban it. It's cruel." 438 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,520 Others say, "No, we can't. It's a tradition." 439 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:19,240 So they have to carry on thrashing the kids. 440 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,160 Weird. 441 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,520 It's like family Christmas, no-one likes it, 442 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:27,040 still, because it's a tradition, everyone has to go through it. 443 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,000 LAUGHTER 444 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,800 We get the idea of bringing a tree in for Christmas, that's a German idea. 445 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,080 Yeah, I don't know. Did we invent Christmas? 446 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,000 A lot of elements of it. 447 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,960 I say, come on. Either we invented it or we didn't. 448 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,320 It's like that terrible joke, I'm sure you must have been told, 449 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,760 about the couple who adopt a German baby. 450 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,080 HENNING LAUGHS You know it. You must know it. 451 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,920 Is there only one joke that involves a German baby? 452 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,000 LAUGHTER 453 00:23:55,000 --> 00:24:00,280 It doesn't speak. Is that the one where he doesn't speak until he's about five? 454 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,480 - They take him to be tested. - Want me to say the punchline? 455 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:07,200 - They think, "Is he stupid, deaf, dumb?" - Everything functioning normally. 456 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,680 ALAN AND HENNING TOGETHER: Then one day... 457 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:11,680 We're all going to say it together! 458 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,720 Go on, Alan. 459 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,480 Then they give him, he has some apple strudel. 460 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:20,480 - And he says... - "This apfelstrudel is a bit tepid." 461 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:24,560 And they say, "Wolfgang! You've never spoken before! 462 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:29,360 "After all these years, now you finally speak? Why haven't you spoken before?" And he says... 463 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:32,600 "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory." 464 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,920 LAUGHTER 465 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,320 APPLAUSE 466 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,640 It's a great joke. 467 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,920 - Very pleasing. - Like a relay joke. 468 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:46,200 It was. 469 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:50,760 This is the most fun a Danish person has had with a German since 1945. 470 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,560 LAUGHTER 471 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,200 DON'T MENTION THE WAR BUZZER 472 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,000 Oh, dear. There we go... 473 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,320 The war. I mean, I have to chip in now. The war. 474 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:01,720 "The war". 475 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:05,760 It's always World War II, it's never any of the more current ones. 476 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:11,160 "The war". And everyone in Britain takes personal credit for Britain winning it. 477 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:15,080 Even people that weren't born at the time of World War II, 478 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:19,360 they still take personal credit for Britain winning it. 479 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:22,840 I'm personally a lot more annoyed by Brits that are now in their 70s 480 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,480 and they bang on about how they helped win the war. 481 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,520 Let's quickly do the maths. If you're in your 70s now, 482 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,920 how old were you at the end of World War II? 483 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,000 - That's true. - 10-years-old? 484 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,560 How did you help win the war when you were just 10-years-old? 485 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,560 - You did not help win the war. - By not eating bananas. 486 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,680 Yeah, yeah. 487 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,640 You were nothing but a drain on British resources. 488 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,680 LAUGHTER 489 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,000 You've got to admire his guts, haven't you? 490 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,920 Effectively, effectively, every 70-year-old Brit 491 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,200 effectively fought on the side of Nazi Germany... 492 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,560 LAUGHTER 493 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:02,080 ..and lost the war every little bit as much as we did! 494 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,920 LAUGHTER Yes, well. Moving on. 495 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:10,280 Manx birches were actually made from hazel wands. 496 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:14,160 Now for a bit more international injustice. Name a French book 497 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,680 that can never be translated into German. 498 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,960 This book was written with the express 499 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:23,600 orders of its author that it was never to be translated into German. 500 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,640 And, let's be honest, if this book originally was from France, 501 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,880 there will be a very, very small market in Germany for that anyway. 502 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,120 LAUGHTER 503 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:35,400 They can translate it at all they want, they will just would not find anyone who buys it. 504 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,760 LAUGHTER 505 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:38,400 Somebody who hates the Germans? 506 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,840 He heated Prussians. That might date him better. Why would a Frenchman hate Prussians? 507 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:47,160 Because of the Franco-Prussian War - another war, I'm afraid, we don't want to mention. 508 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,280 At least it's a different one! 509 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:50,680 LAUGHTER 510 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,640 And we weren't involved. 511 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,400 Well, we would've won it, had we been involved. 512 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:57,520 BUZZER 513 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,440 - Yes? - 1870s. 514 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,480 1870s is exactly the year the Franco-Prussian War. Very good. 515 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:06,640 - I remember that from school. - Absolutely. Very good. 516 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,360 - He was a scientist, a great scientist. - Pasteur. 517 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:12,560 Louis Pasteur is the right answer, who was responsible for... 518 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:15,480 He didn't invent pasteurisation, but it's named after him. 519 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,640 - Why did he take the Germans? - I think it really was the occupation 520 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,200 and the attack into French territory. He just was very patriotic. 521 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,960 - Just narrow-mindedness. - And narrow-minded! 522 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,920 But, after the war, the Germans discovered a new form of yeast 523 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,240 that allowed them to store beer extremely well, 524 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,760 and the German for "to store" is? 525 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:39,800 - Lagen. - Lagen, and so they called the beer "lager" beer. 526 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,640 And it became hugely successful. 527 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:45,080 And this annoyed the hell out of Pasteur 528 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,440 that the Germans that he so hated 529 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:51,080 had basically started to conquer the world of beer. 530 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,800 - So he set about... - He needed to move on! 531 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:58,680 Well, he set about studying how brewing worked - 532 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:02,560 the science of the yeasts and the whole business of making beer. 533 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:06,440 And he came up with some really, really, really good yeasts 534 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:10,160 that made even better beer. And he took them around the world. 535 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:13,520 He took them to America, to Belgium, to the Whitbread company, 536 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:16,080 he took them to the Carlsberg company in Denmark, 537 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:20,240 but he refused to take them to Germany. And he wrote a book all about it, 538 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:24,160 instructing that it must never be translated into German, that Germans 539 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,320 must never get their hands on the secrets of this new better beer. 540 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,920 And, of course, the German beer industry collapsed. LAUGHTER 541 00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:36,320 Unfortunately it didn't work that well. It turned out rather nicely for the Carlsberg people. 542 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,920 There is an irony about the whole Pasteur thing. 543 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,040 When France wanted to get rid of its bullion 544 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,120 during the Second World War in case the Germans got hold of it... 545 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:48,720 Its bullion, not its bouillon - its gold, not its chicken stock. 546 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:51,480 No, not its chicken stock. That went as well - 547 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:55,400 ..it all went to Canada on a single ocean liner 548 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,080 called the SS Pasteur. 549 00:28:58,080 --> 00:28:59,680 Oh, really! 550 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:02,160 - So, he kind of got his own back. - He did. - Yeah. 551 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:03,720 Back home to Britain, now. 552 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:07,440 From 1875 to 1956, 553 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:11,400 what was the next best thing to a first-class train ticket? 554 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:14,560 Second-class train ticket. KLAXON 555 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:16,000 That's the problem. 556 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:19,920 You weren't to know, being a cursed foreigner and all. 557 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:23,040 - They went from first to third. - There was no second-class. 558 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:27,560 - But there were ladies only carriages. - There were. - That would be quite nice. 559 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,720 Yes. LAUGHTER 560 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:33,760 And there were no smoking carriages, but mostly there were smoking ones. 561 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:37,280 - She's got no idea where she's going. - She hasn't! 562 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:38,840 LAUGHTER 563 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:41,920 How it came about was that Gladstone insisted there be 564 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:46,360 a third-class service for poorer people and train companies hated it. 565 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:51,360 They ran these useless services that were third-class only, known as parliamentary trains. 566 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,040 They were no good to anybody, just to apply the law. 567 00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:58,000 Then they had a smarter idea and they said, 568 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:01,800 "We'll upgrade the third-class to second-class 569 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,280 "but call it third-class and get rid of the second-class. 570 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,760 "So we're obeying the law by having a third-class, 571 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:10,280 "but it'll cost what second-class used to cost." 572 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,640 It's a very bizarre British solution. 573 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:15,680 They had an influence - I found this out making a documentary - 574 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:20,360 it had an influence on the way suburban housing developed in London. 575 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:26,400 Because the train companies wouldn't sell third-class tickets in the outer suburbs 576 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:31,120 because they didn't want the trains filling up with poor people, they didn't pay as much money 577 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,440 as the first-class people, so they wouldn't sell the tickets. 578 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:37,920 That's why London's developed, and that's why there are bigger houses 579 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:42,120 - on the outside, and smaller houses on the inside. - I thought it was because of the smoke. 580 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:45,360 The big selling point for trains was you could move out of London 581 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,760 to a nice green field and get away from the dirt, 582 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:49,440 so people wanted to do that, 583 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:52,920 but all the development was along the line of the railways. 584 00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:55,720 They didn't bother building cheap housing further out 585 00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:59,280 cos no-one could get into London because the trains wouldn't let you on. 586 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:02,960 They had clever ways. How do you think they used chimney sweeps? 587 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:04,800 - On the railway? - Yes. 588 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,440 Strapped to the front of the train, keeping the rails clean. 589 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:10,560 No, it was a very naughty trick. 590 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:12,360 They'd sit in third-class? 591 00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:16,320 Yeah, what train companies hated were the genteel people, clerks, 592 00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:20,920 who didn't have much money but had to be well-dressed. 593 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:24,960 What they would do is they would put chimney sweeps in 594 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,400 and put soot over them so third-class carriages 595 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:32,200 were so dirty, these people thought, "Oh, God. I've got to pay the first-class fare." 596 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:36,480 Don't say this out loud. I'm sure Ryanair will have an idea! 597 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:37,600 LAUGHTER 598 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:40,760 IRISH ACCENT: Brilliant! We'll do the same thing! 599 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:44,080 Or easyJet, since you're in easyJet's colours. 600 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:46,080 I'm sure it didn't happen all over, 601 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:50,640 but these were some of the tricks they resorted to, apparently. 602 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,480 - Which one's Dick Van Dyke? - They're really happy, aren't they? 603 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,840 They do look happy. Happy, lucky sweeps. 604 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,720 Now for some sporting iniquity. 605 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:03,280 What did cricketer Thomas White invent in 1771? 606 00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:05,000 The Yorker. 607 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:09,720 The Yorker. To hear a German say, "the Yorker" gives me great pleasure. 608 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:13,600 - I don't know what it means. - It's a fully pitched-up ball. 609 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:17,400 - Great to hear a German say it. - What's a googly, then? 610 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,080 A googly is a... KLAXON 611 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:28,280 A googly is a leg spinner's off-spin. It's disguised. 612 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:32,040 - Comes out the back of your hand. - How does the Duckworth-Lewis method work? 613 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,880 Nobody knows that! Far too complicated. 614 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:39,680 No, he didn't invent any particular type of bowling or batting, but he looked at the laws of cricket 615 00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:44,720 and he noted that there was a rather glaring omission and he thought, "Splendid." 616 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:49,280 - Oh, the big bat! - Yes, he came up with a bat that was wider than the wicket. 617 00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:52,720 LAUGHTER This enormous bat. 618 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:59,360 It was Chertsey Vs Hambledon, which is the equivalent of Surrey Vs Hampshire. 619 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:03,320 After 1774, they incorporated a law that said a bat must be 620 00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:05,760 no wider than four and-a-half inches. 621 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:09,640 - Did you know there were special golf rules for the Second World War? - Were there? 622 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,760 In Kent during the Battle of Britain. 623 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:15,680 - I can't remember exactly what it is... - Sorry, Henning, the war's come up again. 624 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:18,240 And bunker! 625 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:20,680 The rule was, 626 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:24,920 if a player's stroke is interrupted by the simultaneous 627 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,920 explosion of a bomb or by machine gunfire, 628 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,960 they may take the stroke again. 629 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:35,080 But there's a penalty of one stroke. 630 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:40,160 They may take it again, if they are still there to take it. 631 00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:42,640 I did a play with Paul Eddington 632 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:46,520 and he had a much-treasured thing from a hotel room in Bristol 633 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:50,360 during the war, which was a card with a little bit of cord and it said, 634 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:54,160 "Please hang outside your room if you wish to be awoken during an air-raid." 635 00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,800 LAUGHTER Splendidly phlegmatic. 636 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:59,240 Do you now there was a game, I think, on St Helena, 637 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,160 and they were playing on a pitch which was by a cliff edge. 638 00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:06,640 And the gentleman ran back to catch the ball, and did catch it 639 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:11,320 and then fell unfortunately, and it was put down as "caught (dead)". 640 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,080 LAUGHTER 641 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:17,520 That's got to be a six because it's over the boundary, isn't it? 642 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,960 There was a game in Norfolk played, and this is towards late summer. 643 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:25,720 People who play village cricket will be very familiar with the sight of late swooping swallows. 644 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:27,440 And a batsman played a shot 645 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,240 and the fielder leapt to his right and caught a swallow. 646 00:34:31,240 --> 00:34:33,040 Fantastic. 647 00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:36,240 This fellow, Thomas White, I suppose you could call him a cheat, 648 00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:38,440 but he was within the game's laws at the time. 649 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:41,120 There was an American footballer, Lester Hayes. 650 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:43,960 Does that ring any bells? Of the Oakland Raiders. 651 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:46,600 He had such success as a catcher in the late '70s 652 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:50,760 that he was the defensive player of the year. The reason was that he covered his hands 653 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,160 and gloves with an adhesive called Stickum. 654 00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,800 LAUGHTER 655 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:57,840 He actually admitted, he said, 656 00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:01,000 "Without Stickum, I couldn't catch a cold in Antarctica." 657 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:03,680 That's so clearly cheating. They must've spotted it. 658 00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:07,160 There was no a rule against it. They had to introduce one, so there now is. 659 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:11,680 There's a very good PG Wodehouse story about cheating at boxing. 660 00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:14,160 There was an American chap, I think called McCoy. 661 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,240 And his opponent was stone deaf. 662 00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:19,600 The opponent said, "I won't hear when the bell goes, will you tell me?" 663 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:23,160 "Yes, absolutely." So they were boxing away and he said the bell had gone. 664 00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:26,880 And the guy went, "OK," like that, and he just punched him. 665 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,280 That's taking advantage as well as cheating. 666 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:33,880 And in 1951, the St Louis Browns baseball team 667 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:37,280 brought a three foot seven inch tall player 668 00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:39,760 called Eddie Gaedel out to bat 669 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:41,880 and crouched over at the plate. 670 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:46,520 His strike zone, which, as you know, the pitcher has to hit, was one and a half inches high. 671 00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:48,520 The pitcher couldn't get anywhere near. 672 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:51,840 So, four balls, he walked to first base and was immediately subbed. 673 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:53,800 So it's kind of like cheating but isn't. 674 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,840 That's not cheating. You can scarcely have a rule that says... 675 00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:59,840 Quite. That says you can't have people of restricted growth. 676 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:00,960 It's all very tricky. 677 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:05,840 There was a jockey at Belmont in New York who, in 1923, 678 00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:08,960 died of a heart attack when on a horse and won. 679 00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:11,240 - The horse won. - Oh, right. 680 00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:13,480 Of course, the bookies didn't want to pay out. 681 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:16,040 A rule said that a jockey had to be in the saddle 682 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,640 but there was no rule to say he had to be alive! 683 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:23,120 He was a brilliant jockey if he clung on even though he was dead! 684 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,760 - Exactly! Pretty amazing. - Keep going! 685 00:36:25,760 --> 00:36:28,840 The lucky punters were paid out. 686 00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:31,120 And so to that part of the show that's always 687 00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:33,920 unfair at the very best of times, General Ignorance. 688 00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:37,040 Fingers on buzzers, if you would. Here is the Old Bailey. 689 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:41,800 - What is the statue of Justice on top looking at? - Oh, God. 690 00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,640 BUZZER Nothing. 691 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:47,080 - Why's that? - She's blindfolded. 692 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:48,360 KLAXON 693 00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:50,920 - No, she's not. - She's not? 694 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,840 No, you can see, there. No blindfold. 695 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:57,040 That particular statue is not blindfolded, but sometimes it is. 696 00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,080 People often at the Old Bailey would say, 697 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:01,040 "Members of the jury, if you look up... 698 00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:02,880 "Blindfolded..." 699 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:06,680 People would go, "He wasn't even telling the truth about that!" 700 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,080 There are many statues of Lady Justice, 701 00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:12,760 some of which are blindfolded and some of which aren't. 702 00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:15,320 What can you legally do if you come across a Welshman 703 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:17,440 in Chester after sunset? 704 00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:18,680 LAUGHTER 705 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:21,560 These are all laws that got abolished 300 years ago. 706 00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,680 - Nonsense. - It's just always repeated. 707 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:26,560 You cannot shoot them. 708 00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:29,320 Yes, as you rightly say, 709 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:33,200 one of these nonsensical things that people cling onto with great sort of pride, 710 00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:36,200 which are nonsensical. Beautiful city, Chester, by the way. 711 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:40,520 There was an edict under Henry V at the time of Owain Glyndwr 712 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,960 that presumably he gave out, which is a wartime command. 713 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:48,320 It's not a law. In any case, any subsequent laws on manslaughter 714 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:51,480 and offensive weapons in public cancel out. 715 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:53,680 How? How would you know? 716 00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:56,680 I know this as when I did a documentary on going round America, 717 00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,840 one of the ideas we had before we started was 718 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:03,400 should I maybe break one of these stupid laws in each state? 719 00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:04,960 The more we investigated them, 720 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:08,360 the more we found they were absolutely without foundation. 721 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,040 So you just talked to people instead? 722 00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:15,080 I thought, "I'll go and wear a silly moustache and make someone laugh in a church." 723 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:18,680 They said, "That's nonsense. I don't know how that got in there." 724 00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:22,280 It was made up by Mark Twain or somebody at some point. I hate to disappoint, 725 00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,960 but a lot of these things are nonsense - 726 00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:30,440 the idea that you can shoot arrows down Petty Cury in Cambridge as long as you're wearing Lincoln green. 727 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:33,520 The idea that an ancient law has to be repealed, 728 00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,560 even if it allows you to do murder is nonsense. 729 00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,120 - Isn't it? - Yes, well... 730 00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:40,440 What's the principle called there? 731 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:44,840 - I think we're talking of leges posteriores priores contrarias abrogant. - Absolutely. 732 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:49,720 - Had you forgotten that, Clive? - It was on the tip of my tongue. 733 00:38:49,720 --> 00:38:52,760 If putting things on the tip of your tongue weren't illegal 734 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:56,840 - under some ancient statute. - It's an established legal principle to the effect that 735 00:38:56,840 --> 00:39:01,840 if a subsequent statute contradicts an existing law, the existing law is repealed by implication. 736 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,280 God, I'm glad I wasn't a lawyer. 737 00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:07,600 Recently, they've tried to get rid of all these Latin things as well 738 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,680 - as it's confusing to people. - But isn't that the point? 739 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:14,240 Yes, that has been the argument of the lawyers. 740 00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:16,880 We like it if nobody knows what we're talking about. 741 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,640 Where are the enemy in this picture? 742 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:20,960 LAUGHTER 743 00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:23,640 It's a good question. 744 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:27,040 - The guy on the right's definitely not sure. - He's puzzled. 745 00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:28,600 Why you pointing over there? 746 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,560 - I'm with the reds! - I read law at university 747 00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:34,320 and was lucky enough to be taught by Lord Denning. 748 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:38,840 And I helped compile the index to his last book. Really dull. 749 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,160 I remember saying to him, 750 00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:42,880 "Why is it so complicated to look up legal cases?" 751 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,920 He looked at me over his glasses and said, 752 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:47,600 "Well, we don't want just anyone doing it." 753 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:49,480 LAUGHTER 754 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:53,000 Why did lepers start carrying bells? 755 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:54,360 Well... 756 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:58,000 - DON'T MENTION THE WAR BUZZER - I forgot about that. 757 00:39:58,000 --> 00:39:59,760 LAUGHTER We haven't! 758 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,480 LAUGHTER 759 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,440 I don't know. Probably it wasn't their choice to wear the bells. 760 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:09,120 Probably it was more the other people telling them 761 00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:11,440 to wear bells so they could escape. 762 00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:14,320 KLAXON As a warning, you mean. 763 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:16,000 No, to keep people away. 764 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,640 It was to attract people to give them alms. 765 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,440 Not arms in that sense. To give them money. 766 00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:23,880 "I've lost my arms, please give me some alms." 767 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,760 - No, to give them money. - Come here and give me money. 768 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:31,840 After the Black Death and the extraordinary decimation of the population in Europe, 769 00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:36,080 sickness become something people were much more worried about. 770 00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:40,240 Then the bells were used as a warning, but they were originally used to attract people. 771 00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:43,280 People were not that frightened of lepers, and for good reason. 772 00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:46,360 Leprosy is nothing like as infectious as people think it is. 773 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:49,920 For a start, 90% of the human race is immune to it. 774 00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:52,760 Most of us are unlikely ever to catch it, 775 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:55,280 even if we were to lick a leper. 776 00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,520 LAUGHTER Now, there's a game show! 777 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:04,720 Why do I see Noel Edmonds presenting that? 778 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:09,440 Wish is father of the thought. 779 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:14,120 It's quite hard to catch, it's nothing like the jokes of bits falling off and so on. 780 00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:17,320 You can get nerve damage, which, if not attended to, 781 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:19,840 can lead to necrosis of the ends of the fingers, 782 00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:23,720 but the idea that bits fall off you is good for jokes but not true. 783 00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:25,520 Well, unpleasant jokes. 784 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:28,960 Never let the truth stand in the way of a mediocre joke. 785 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,520 Exactly. A mediocre joke, exactly right. 786 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,720 Now, which of you has the fewest hairs on your head? 787 00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:39,760 Well, may I just volunteer myself? 788 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:43,040 So it's me. I'm going to lose 10 points... 789 00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:44,960 KLAXON 790 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:49,520 - ..and even more hair, being annoyed about that. - It's one of the strange things. 791 00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:51,840 There's a splendid man, Dr George Cotsarelis 792 00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:55,800 at the department of dermatology at the University of Pennsylvania. 793 00:41:55,800 --> 00:42:01,080 He has determined that, actually, you have the same number of hairs on the scalp as everyone else. 794 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:05,080 It's just some of them are only visible under a microscope. 795 00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,480 So that's roughly like not having them, really. 796 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:09,040 LAUGHTER No! 797 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:12,440 By the same token, humans may look less hairy than chimpanzees, 798 00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:16,880 but we've the same number of hair follicles, about five million, 799 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,040 on our bodies as chimpanzees. 800 00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:21,320 But the whole thing of hair is very annoying. 801 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:23,560 If I'd never bought a pair of tweezers, 802 00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:25,320 I'd have appeared down to here. 803 00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:27,920 You get hair that grows in the places you don't want it 804 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:30,520 and then hair that doesn't grow where you do want it. 805 00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:34,520 Hair that doesn't stop on your head. It keeps growing, so you have to get it cut. 806 00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:37,320 And then your eyebrows, if you're a man, know when to stop 807 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:41,480 until you get a bit later in life and then it stops knowing when to stop. 808 00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:44,400 You could comb them up over your bald patch. 809 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:45,600 LAUGHTER 810 00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:48,440 I've tried that! 811 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:51,840 Looked a little odd, but, you know, it's an option. 812 00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:53,160 Well, you never know. 813 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:55,520 And so we come to the scores. 814 00:42:55,520 --> 00:43:00,000 These are very interesting, and it would be very unfair of me not to share them with you. 815 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:03,560 So, that's all from Sandi, Henning, Clive, Alan and me. LAUGHTER 816 00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:05,800 Because, as William Goldman said, 817 00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:08,640 "Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death." 818 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:10,240 That's all. Goodnight. 819 00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:14,040 APPLAUSE 820 00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,120 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 821 00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:30,160 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net