1 00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:25,260 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:33,260 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 3 00:00:33,260 --> 00:00:37,900 And welcome to QI, in my breeziest and most patronising bedside manner, 4 00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:41,940 for a show that's all about illness, infection and injury. 5 00:00:41,940 --> 00:00:47,380 Joining me in Casualty are the slightly indisposed Andy Hamilton. 6 00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:51,500 APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. 7 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:56,020 The disturbingly insidious Ben Goldacre. 8 00:00:56,020 --> 00:00:58,980 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:01,740 The seriously infectious Jo Brand. 10 00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:04,100 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:06,020 --> 00:01:12,020 - And the terminally ill-informed Alan Davies. - Thank you. APPLAUSE 12 00:01:14,620 --> 00:01:18,660 And, to tell you the truth, their buzzers don't sound so hot. 13 00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:21,820 Andy goes... COUGHING 14 00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:24,700 Ben goes... SNEEZING 15 00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:28,340 Jo goes... SIREN WAILS 16 00:01:28,340 --> 00:01:32,380 - And Alan goes... - THE FUNERAL MARCH 17 00:01:37,540 --> 00:01:43,100 And...don't forget, of course, that you have your Nobody Knows jokers. 18 00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:46,140 FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!' - Yes. 19 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:50,180 In this series, the answer may well be "Nobody knows". 20 00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:54,420 If you guess which question that is, you can get extra points. 21 00:01:54,420 --> 00:01:59,700 Before we start, I have to ask you all to fill in this questionnaire. 22 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:05,700 It's on the Epworth Sleepiness Scale. It's about how likely you are to fall asleep 23 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:10,700 under certain circumstances and whether you have a healthy sleep cycle. 24 00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:15,060 You're all concentrating very hard! Well, you were... 25 00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:21,060 - Jo has fallen asleep. - Filling in questionnaires! 26 00:02:21,060 --> 00:02:25,100 - Yes, that's the one that makes you fall asleep. - Finished! 27 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:28,820 Have you really? Well done. I'm very impressed. 28 00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:35,260 I've always filled in questionnaires quickly. I think if you finish first, you get marks somehow. 29 00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:41,660 - You better put your name on them. - Oh, who hasn't put their name on their work?! 30 00:02:41,660 --> 00:02:46,940 - I'm feeling more than usual like a schoolmaster. - Jo...Brand. LAUGHTER 31 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:55,420 - I feel that men fall asleep more somehow. Do you cat nap during the day? - Only during sex. 32 00:02:56,860 --> 00:03:01,420 - Fair enough. - When you're watching sex or doing sex? 33 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:04,340 Either. I don't really mind. 34 00:03:04,340 --> 00:03:09,380 It is one of the afflictions of getting old, I fear, falling asleep. 35 00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:12,420 While you sleep, we'll be playing QI. 36 00:03:12,420 --> 00:03:18,180 The first question is why would you swallow a pill made of a poisonous metalloid? 37 00:03:18,180 --> 00:03:21,140 SIREN WAILS Yes? 38 00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:25,980 Would it be because you got really pissed one night and you woke up 39 00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:30,780 and realised you were next to Michael Winner in bed? 40 00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:34,500 Well, oddly enough, 41 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:40,460 until you got to that last point, one use of that poisonous metalloid was as a morning after pill. 42 00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:44,220 But its other use was for the other end. 43 00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:48,060 It's a metalloid called antimony and it's a poison. 44 00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:52,580 It was popular in the Middle Ages as a pill. Very good for constipation. 45 00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:56,660 You'd make a pill of antimony and it would pass through the body. 46 00:03:56,660 --> 00:04:04,260 You would then rummage through your leavings and wash it and use it again. 47 00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:06,620 GROANS "Rummage through your leavings." 48 00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:09,140 LAUGHTER 49 00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:15,180 - I wasn't quite sure how to put it. - I'm certainly going to use that again, though! 50 00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:21,300 These got handed on from father to son, through generations. They used the same one. 51 00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:25,060 Your father's leavings and his father's leavings before. 52 00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:31,980 - "This pill was good enough for your great-grandfather..." - The earliest repeat prescription. 53 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:35,380 - Very good! - For hundreds of years. APPLAUSE 54 00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:39,940 Absolutely. The other use of it was an antimony cup. 55 00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:45,460 You'd pour wine into it overnight, when you'd had a large evening, and in the morning 56 00:04:45,460 --> 00:04:51,860 you'd take the wine from the cup and it made you vomit instantly. So it was used as an emetic. 57 00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:58,100 - So it's a naturally occurring... thing? - An element. - And an irritant, presumably? 58 00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:05,980 There's a mnemonic for remembering laxatives - bulkers, lubricants, irritants, softeners and explosives. 59 00:05:08,020 --> 00:05:11,060 Explosives work like...cholera. 60 00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:15,500 You stick them up your bum. That's a technical term. 61 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:18,460 A suppository, as we comedians say. 62 00:05:18,460 --> 00:05:22,860 - So that's for a really serious case of being stuffed up. - Yeah. 63 00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:26,900 - Proper phosphate enema. Rocket fuel. - Wow. 64 00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:30,380 - On a skateboard. - In Ancient Egypt, 65 00:05:30,380 --> 00:05:36,420 there was a doctor whose special function was to administer enemas to the pharaoh - the neru phuyt, 66 00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:39,980 which literally translates as "shepherd of the anus". 67 00:05:39,980 --> 00:05:43,900 - An official job. Rather pleasing. - With the crook? 68 00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:45,580 Oh! 69 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:53,780 It's not a natural thing. Animals don't pump warm water up their arses. It doesn't happen in nature. 70 00:05:53,780 --> 00:05:58,420 - How did it come about? - They are very popular with quacks. 71 00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:04,460 There's something quite attractive about how transgressive it is to squirt something up your bum 72 00:06:04,460 --> 00:06:11,420 - that makes pretend doctors feel like real doctors. John Harvey Kellogg... - The Road To Wellville, yes. 73 00:06:11,420 --> 00:06:16,660 Yeah, yeah. He had this big kind of quack clinic that he ran 74 00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:22,340 where the moment that you arrived you had to make a visit to a man called the Rear Admiral... 75 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:28,180 who would bend you over and fill you with fresh yoghurt. And then you'd poo that out. 76 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:31,140 Then you'd crack on with your detox. 77 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:35,940 - And deal with your thrush. - What time's this show going out? LAUGHTER 78 00:06:35,940 --> 00:06:42,940 - Will people be eating? - Well, it is almost the most kind of...basic fact about us all, 79 00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:50,100 that we poo. And also that we are, as we age supposedly, we get more obsessed by it. 80 00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:55,980 It's all you've got left, really, isn't it? There are stories of nurses who get sent stools 81 00:06:55,980 --> 00:07:01,580 - by grateful patients. You must have heard those stories. - Not necessarily grateful. 82 00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:03,300 LAUGHTER 83 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:06,140 It's an expression of love! 84 00:07:06,140 --> 00:07:11,540 I've no idea why, but that habit has followed me into my comedy career. 85 00:07:13,540 --> 00:07:19,780 A chap recently tried to kill somebody. He packed his anus with explosives. 86 00:07:19,780 --> 00:07:26,980 It was a Middle East prince. His plan was to shake the guy by the hand and then trigger it. 87 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:33,340 Unfortunately, the body is very good at absorbing explosions. That's why people jump onto hand grenades. 88 00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:38,980 So all that happened was... he shook this prince by the hand and the bomb went off 89 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:43,220 and he just bounced up in the air slightly and crumpled to his knees. 90 00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:47,420 And the prince, like any royal, just went, "Very good." 91 00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:53,900 Oh, dear, oh, dear. Well, that's antimony. 92 00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:59,300 Antimony pills were quite literally passed down through the family. Now placebos. 93 00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:04,220 Placebos are often administered in the shape of sugar pills. 94 00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:06,740 My question is: how do they work? 95 00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:10,980 - Oh, oh! - Very good! - 'Nobody knows!' 96 00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:13,860 Now you might want to question this, Ben. 97 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:16,060 APPLAUSE 98 00:08:18,220 --> 00:08:22,460 - Well, they do work. - They do. - But nobody quite knows why yet. 99 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:28,620 Not only do they work, they work even when you tell someone it's a placebo. 100 00:08:28,620 --> 00:08:32,860 - You've studied this more than most. - Mm, it's amazing. 101 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:38,860 I think the magic ingredient of the sugar pills is belief and expectation. 102 00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:45,620 - We know that four sugar pills a day are a more effective treatment than two sugar pills a day. - Yes. 103 00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:50,180 And a salt water injection is more effective than taking a sugar pill, 104 00:08:50,180 --> 00:08:57,380 not because it does anything physically to your body, but because an injection feels more dramatic. 105 00:08:57,380 --> 00:09:04,180 Is it to do with you just feel you're being taken care of? Some part of your body yields 106 00:09:04,180 --> 00:09:08,780 - to the authority of an injection even more than to a pill. - Yeah. 107 00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:13,660 - Pacemakers start working before they've been switched on. - Yes! 108 00:09:13,660 --> 00:09:18,780 I've heard this. Or knee surgery. They've cut people's knees open, then sewn them up, 109 00:09:18,780 --> 00:09:22,700 and they've said they feel better. But they've not done anything. 110 00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:28,940 That's why it's important to do proper trials, otherwise you'd think it was worth cutting people open 111 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:33,940 and messing around with their heart. And actually it wasn't. 112 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:38,980 The almost priest-like nature of the doctor, the faith in them, 113 00:09:38,980 --> 00:09:44,740 goes some way, I suppose, to explaining homoeopathy. That's as inert as a sugar pill. 114 00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:49,460 I know someone who was told to take arnica for her Caesarean scar. 115 00:09:49,460 --> 00:09:55,380 She went and spoke to an obstetrician and said, "Is there any truth in that?" 116 00:09:55,380 --> 00:10:00,620 He said, "The thing is with homoeopathic medicine, there haven't been proper clinical trials, 117 00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:08,300 "but arnica is one that has been tested. It has been found to have absolutely no effect whatsoever." 118 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:13,260 Homoeopathy's a really good teaching tool for evidence-based medicine. 119 00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:17,820 The homoeopaths' trials, in general, are so crudely rigged 120 00:10:17,820 --> 00:10:21,220 that they make extremely good teaching examples. 121 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:25,220 They're not double-blind, randomised trials in the approved manner? 122 00:10:25,220 --> 00:10:29,940 Each individual trial has been done poorly or you get cherry picking. 123 00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:37,580 So if you run 100 trials of something, it's inevitable that maybe five give positive results. 124 00:10:37,580 --> 00:10:42,420 If you only cite positive trials, it looks as if your treatment works. 125 00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:48,260 The pharmaceutical industry are even bigger buggers for that, really, than the quacks 126 00:10:48,260 --> 00:10:54,100 because it matters more. There are still no laws to stop people hiding trial data. Not meaningful laws. 127 00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:57,860 This is the problem with people like me who are lazy... 128 00:10:57,860 --> 00:11:04,660 - Lazy?! - No, I mean when we read in a newspaper, "Studies show..." - He's writing a novel under the desk! 129 00:11:04,660 --> 00:11:09,220 I mean lazy in this sense. If I read, "Studies show..." 130 00:11:09,220 --> 00:11:15,580 I kind of go, "Gosh! That study shows..." but it takes Ben to go, "What's the study? 131 00:11:15,580 --> 00:11:20,140 "How many people were used?" That's basically the problem. 132 00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:25,060 - But to be fair, this show's probably more guilty of that than anyone! - Oh... 133 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:31,900 And it's a very easy thing to fix. I think every news story or feature or TV show or anything 134 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:38,740 that makes a reference to a piece of primary research should give a link to that piece of research 135 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:43,660 - so people can go and see what the evidence was. - Indeed. 136 00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:49,580 Anyway, the placebo effect is incredibly powerful. On the other hand, drugs are powerful, too. 137 00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:55,180 - If you inject someone with cyanide and say it's a sugar pill, they will die. - Yes. 138 00:11:55,180 --> 00:12:00,820 As Andy rightly said, nobody really knows how placebos work, but work they jolly well do. 139 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:08,460 - What kind of condition that astronauts suffer from is measured by the Garn Scale? - Garn? 140 00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:11,700 - That's what Steptoe used to say! - Yes! - "Garn!" 141 00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:17,420 Eliza Doolittle says, "Garn!" doesn't she? Yeah, it's named after Senator Garn, 142 00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:23,620 - a senator who became an astronaut and he suffered from what most astronauts suffer. - Depression? 143 00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:29,460 No, seasickness. Or travel sickness. It's really, really bad up there, apparently. 144 00:12:29,460 --> 00:12:37,300 - There's a lot of vomming, which is not nice in weightlessness! - Drifting around the cabin... 145 00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:40,620 In fact... AUDIENCE GROANS 146 00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:45,340 They can't do that - they've got a helmet on. It would have to be... 147 00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:47,100 Yeah. 148 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:52,740 47% of all the medication used by the Shuttle astronauts was seasickness tablets. 149 00:12:52,740 --> 00:12:57,340 The sickest was Jake Garn in '85. After him, they used the Garn Scale. 150 00:12:57,340 --> 00:13:02,540 - A score of one Garn means you are completely incapacitated. - It's the right word. 151 00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:08,060 - It sounds like someone chucking up. - Do you know what causes seasickness, for example? 152 00:13:08,060 --> 00:13:11,300 - Is it going up and down on the sea? - Yes... 153 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:17,860 - That's the condition in which it happens. - Oh, you mean physically causes it. 154 00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:24,060 I've felt unwell on a ship just from the throbbing of the engines. The boat wasn't moving. 155 00:13:24,060 --> 00:13:29,860 There's some sensation of constant movement that starts to make things come up. 156 00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:35,420 - It's a disconnect between the visual information and balance information. - That's right. 157 00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:39,620 - I'm about half a Garn at the moment. - Just looking at that? 158 00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:46,060 - Watch the horizon! - Why don't birds get it when they bob about on it? - How do you know they don't? 159 00:13:46,060 --> 00:13:50,860 That's true. Or maybe they've just evolved not to. 160 00:13:50,860 --> 00:13:58,060 The bad things to do are going below deck for long, reading a book or staring at one point. 161 00:13:58,060 --> 00:14:03,700 You should stay in the fresh air, drink plenty of water, avoid fatty and spicy foods... 162 00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:06,060 They say that for everything! 163 00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:11,900 You can't move for advice now. You turn on 5Live and someone's always telling you, 164 00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:16,340 "We've got an expert in because it's sunny today. What should we do?" 165 00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:22,780 "Well, watch out for sun burn so apply a cream or wear a hat." Are we seriously saying this?! 166 00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:29,540 - What are we doing? - Or avoid fatty and spicy foods. - "Don't jump out of the window from the 10th floor." 167 00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:33,820 - That must be from The Perfect Storm. - It looks like a film. 168 00:14:33,820 --> 00:14:37,460 That's an exceptionally good photo from another boat! 169 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,820 That's such a good point! 170 00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:45,180 "How did you hold that so still?" 171 00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:51,860 Anyway, that's the Garn Scale. Almost half of all astronauts suffer from space sickness it seems. 172 00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:56,180 What is intelligent falling? ..Jo Brand. 173 00:14:56,180 --> 00:15:00,020 Is it when you see Michael Winner coming towards you 174 00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:04,060 and you deliberately trip so that you can squash him? 175 00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:06,660 LAUGHTER 176 00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:10,140 That would be intelligent falling. APPLAUSE 177 00:15:10,140 --> 00:15:14,740 - A very good example. - You've really got it in for the Winster. 178 00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:20,340 - I have. - Is it because he's not returning your calls, Jo? Is that what it is? 179 00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:22,700 He won't take me out to dinner! 180 00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:28,700 Is intelligent falling what Ronaldo does in the penalty area? 181 00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:33,620 No, it's a way to demonstrate what scientists mean by theory. 182 00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:40,860 As you'll know, they have in America this idea that it's equivalent to teach Intelligent Design 183 00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:45,260 as it is to teach the theory of evolution because they say, 184 00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:50,460 "The theory of evolution is only a theory, so why can't we suggest our theory?" 185 00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:55,020 - Which misunderstands what scientists mean by a theory. - You've lost me. 186 00:15:55,020 --> 00:16:01,380 - You've heard of the theory of evolution? - Yes. - And you've heard of Intelligent Design? - No. - Ah. 187 00:16:01,380 --> 00:16:07,300 In America, religious people who decided that evolution is contrary to what the Bible says, 188 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:13,980 they want children to believe that all creation was made by an intelligent being, ie God. 189 00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:20,660 - That the universe was designed by something. - And the name for it is Intelligent Design. - I see, right. 190 00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:27,460 "It's the THEORY of evolution, so why can't we have a theory taught in the same way?" 191 00:16:27,460 --> 00:16:32,340 Theory has a rather specific meaning in science. It's not like "guess"! 192 00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:36,460 It's not even like "hypothesis". This is what the OED says: 193 00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:43,460 "a statement of what are held to be general laws, principles or causes of something known or observed." 194 00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:48,420 That's not a guess. The theory of evolution, as any biologist says, 195 00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:53,380 is true. I mean, it is supported by facts. 196 00:16:53,380 --> 00:17:00,820 - So what's intelligent falling? - It's saying, "Newton had a theory of gravity, overturned by Einstein's. 197 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:07,580 - "So why can't we suggest our theory?" Which is intelligent falling. - Isn't the point partly 198 00:17:07,580 --> 00:17:13,620 that different theories are supported by different amounts of evidence? David Icke has a theory 199 00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:20,780 that the Royal Family are all 7-foot green lizards in 6-foot human skin suits, with not a lot of evidence. 200 00:17:20,780 --> 00:17:25,220 - Does he? - Whereas evolution is supported by a lot of evidence. 201 00:17:25,220 --> 00:17:31,860 - If you want to question a theory, you should do so by challenging its evidence... - Exactly. 202 00:17:31,860 --> 00:17:37,540 - ..rather than... - Intelligent Design believers, what do they think they put in their cars? 203 00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:41,460 It's a hard position to be a fundamentalist. 204 00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:46,940 On the one hand you have to forgive people, on the other, take their eye out. 205 00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:52,380 - It's difficult to know which one to do. - If Michael Winner's around... LAUGHTER 206 00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:59,460 - I'd manage to make a decision. - I've got this fantasy of Michael Winner sitting down saying, 207 00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:07,020 "Oh, it's Friday. What shall I do? I know, I'll watch QI. Jo Brand's on. She's my favourite." 208 00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:11,820 - The disappointment when he sees you... - No, he won't be disappointed. 209 00:18:11,820 --> 00:18:13,740 Perhaps he won't. 210 00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:19,820 So there we are. Evolution and gravity may be THEORIES, but they work perfectly well in practice. 211 00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:26,420 Describe the symptoms of either drapetomania or dysesthesia aethiopica. 212 00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:29,820 Who the hell is that?! LAUGHTER 213 00:18:29,820 --> 00:18:34,420 I don't know, but that's what the girl is thinking as well. 214 00:18:34,420 --> 00:18:37,140 They're all thinking, "I would." 215 00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:41,020 It's nothing to do, I have to say, with Gregory House. 216 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:46,540 We're in the 1850s. Just before the Civil War is the clue. 217 00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:50,740 Drapetomania was a diagnosis of a quite inexplicable outbreak 218 00:18:50,740 --> 00:18:58,620 - of a sort of mental failing among the slave population. - Were they singing? - No. - Cheerful songs? 219 00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:04,540 No, a doctor called Samuel Cartwright coined the phrase to explain the mental disorder 220 00:19:04,540 --> 00:19:09,460 - displayed by slaves who wanted to run away! - Right. 221 00:19:09,460 --> 00:19:12,260 - Surely not! - I know! He said, 222 00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:18,260 "It was as much a disease of the mind as any other species of mental alienation and more curable." 223 00:19:18,260 --> 00:19:25,620 - He thought it was caused by slaves getting too much authority and freedom. - My husband's got this. 224 00:19:25,620 --> 00:19:27,100 LAUGHTER 225 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:30,420 He's always having a crack at running away. 226 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:35,980 - Shackles. - Shackles are the answer, that's right. - Massive bungee rope. 227 00:19:35,980 --> 00:19:41,500 Yeah! He claimed the slaves should have the desire to run away beaten out of them. 228 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:46,860 - That's always the answer with slaves. - What was the first one? 229 00:19:46,860 --> 00:19:51,700 - Drapetomania? And the second one? - The second one I'll tell you about. 230 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:56,460 Dysesthesia aethiopica. It's an aversion to doing slave labour. 231 00:19:56,460 --> 00:20:03,300 What a peculiar thing! Other symptoms include rascality and not taking care of property. 232 00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:08,820 The prescription was to put the patient to some kind of hard work in the sunshine. 233 00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:12,460 You do get a lot of these weird diagnoses even now. 234 00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:18,100 In Russia and China, they had political mania - convincing friends of the need for political change. 235 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:25,740 In China, political mania has got symptoms like carrying banners, shouting slogans, 236 00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:32,540 - and expressing views on important domestic and international political matters. - Yes, you're right. 237 00:20:32,540 --> 00:20:38,260 The Russians, famously, through the '60s and '70s had the psychology turned backwards. 238 00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:44,380 - Paranoia was defined as a yearning for justice. - "Truth and justice are commonly found 239 00:20:44,380 --> 00:20:50,100 - "in the personality of the paranoid delusional." - That's the phrase they used. 240 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:55,340 There is a book, well known to anybody who studies mental health, called the DSM. 241 00:20:55,340 --> 00:21:02,380 - The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. It has various editions. - A lot of it is cock. - Indeed. 242 00:21:02,380 --> 00:21:09,980 But very important cock because, for example, if you sue your employer because you have a medical condition 243 00:21:09,980 --> 00:21:17,540 it is the DSM which defines whatever supposed mental disorder you have. I think there's four editions. 244 00:21:17,540 --> 00:21:23,900 - It's coming up for five. - In 2013. And people submit to it their idea of a condition. 245 00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:28,580 And some of them are accepted and some aren't. We have some for you 246 00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:32,700 which are under consideration or might have been suggested. 247 00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:37,500 - What are they? Sluggish Cognitive Tempo Disorder. - Can't dance. 248 00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:40,940 LAUGHTER That's just people who can't... 249 00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:43,620 Guilty feet have got no rhythm. 250 00:21:43,620 --> 00:21:45,900 Is that being a student? 251 00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:52,820 Basically. Your Daily Mail journalist would write off, as they do, any mental condition 252 00:21:52,820 --> 00:21:57,660 as a shabby excuse for a character flaw, but when you read the descriptions 253 00:21:57,660 --> 00:22:03,940 of the symptoms of sluggish cognitive tempo disorder, the word that you come up with is "laziness". 254 00:22:03,940 --> 00:22:08,940 - It's basically laziness. Relational disorder? - Unpleasantness. 255 00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:12,980 - Yeah, an inability to get on with people. - Ryan Giggs. - Sorry? 256 00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:14,900 LAUGHTER 257 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:20,780 - Ryan Giggs has got that. - Ryan Giggs is not getting on with people. - He gets on with SOME people. 258 00:22:20,780 --> 00:22:24,340 But they're usually married to other people. 259 00:22:24,340 --> 00:22:28,060 Anyway, negativistic personality disorder? 260 00:22:28,060 --> 00:22:33,220 - Not being very nice. - It's being negativistic about something - whining, basically. 261 00:22:33,220 --> 00:22:36,100 Jeremy Paxman. LAUGHTER 262 00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:39,980 Whining and complaining. Intermittent explosive disorder? 263 00:22:39,980 --> 00:22:42,420 - Farting. - That's flatulence. 264 00:22:42,420 --> 00:22:48,140 Well, it would... This is the DSM - basically, adult tantrums, people who lose their temper. 265 00:22:48,140 --> 00:22:54,260 The point is that one can laugh at these, but there are some things that are obviously real 266 00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:58,260 that produce terrible mental conditions and that is well-known, 267 00:22:58,260 --> 00:23:04,260 then somewhere along the line, there are things to do with concentration disorders 268 00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:10,100 and compulsion disorders which seem so limited that you think, "Is that worth putting in a book? 269 00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:15,660 "Do you need special treatment for that?" Where do you draw the line? Doctor, do tell us. 270 00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:19,100 Some people want to be pathologised and have a label 271 00:23:19,100 --> 00:23:22,140 and sometimes it's about flogging a treatment. 272 00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:27,180 I mean, female sexual dysfunction, for example, started being pushed 273 00:23:27,180 --> 00:23:32,620 at the time that various companies were trying to get licences for things like Viagra 274 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:37,620 for the 50% of the population unlucky enough not to have a penis. 275 00:23:37,620 --> 00:23:40,180 - Steady! - Along with that... LAUGHTER 276 00:23:40,180 --> 00:23:44,220 Jo's got loads of penises, but they're all in a drawer at home. 277 00:23:44,220 --> 00:23:46,260 LAUGHTER 278 00:23:46,260 --> 00:23:52,420 But FSD was about medicalising it and saying that, um, you know, 279 00:23:52,420 --> 00:23:59,540 desire is a matter of clitoral blood flow imaging and nitric oxide molecules in your body... 280 00:23:59,540 --> 00:24:03,100 I think that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard! 281 00:24:03,100 --> 00:24:07,140 - Rather than relationships... - Clitoral blood flow imaging?! 282 00:24:07,140 --> 00:24:09,820 - Dot com. - Dot com! 283 00:24:09,820 --> 00:24:12,540 That is a dirty book! 284 00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:18,660 No, that's true. I'm pretty sure that if I had been born later, 285 00:24:18,660 --> 00:24:24,740 I would have been diagnosed with having attention deficit disorder and been given one of those drugs. 286 00:24:24,740 --> 00:24:29,340 As it was, I was called a "tosser" and expelled from lots of schools. 287 00:24:29,340 --> 00:24:34,420 Part of me thinks I WAS a tosser. I couldn't concentrate, I was extremely aggravating, 288 00:24:34,420 --> 00:24:38,100 I was expelled from schools and I was a damn nuisance, 289 00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:41,980 but probably something in my brain was different to others 290 00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:47,820 and some people will always see that as a moral character thing which is under your control 291 00:24:47,820 --> 00:24:51,660 and refuse to accept there is a medical condition for it. 292 00:24:51,660 --> 00:24:55,460 It's not only moral. It's social and cultural as well. 293 00:24:55,460 --> 00:25:02,020 - Yeah. - Because 50 years ago, people who were gay were given electric shocks or whatever they were 294 00:25:02,020 --> 00:25:04,380 to "cure" them of their illness, 295 00:25:04,380 --> 00:25:10,220 - so as history moves on, you medicalise different sorts of behaviour, don't you? - Yeah. 296 00:25:10,220 --> 00:25:15,660 There you are. Some psychologists seem to have disorder-naming compulsion disorder, 297 00:25:15,660 --> 00:25:20,860 which is not exactly fatal, but who was the last British monarch deliberately killed? 298 00:25:20,860 --> 00:25:24,300 Was it one of the ones that got beheaded? 299 00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:25,420 No. 300 00:25:25,420 --> 00:25:29,460 You avoided saying Charles I whom most people would think... 301 00:25:29,460 --> 00:25:32,460 Only cos I couldn't bloody remember what... 302 00:25:33,460 --> 00:25:38,260 It happened in Norfolk. Where would that likely be if it was a monarch? 303 00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:40,980 - Sandringham. - Yes. - It's the Queen's dad. 304 00:25:40,980 --> 00:25:46,740 No, the Queen's grandfather. This is King George V, the grandfather of our current monarch. 305 00:25:46,740 --> 00:25:51,940 There he is, looking spookily like his cousin Nicholas... Tsar Alexander. 306 00:25:51,940 --> 00:25:55,340 It's an attested story by the man who did it. 307 00:25:55,340 --> 00:25:59,420 In 1936, he was at Sandringham, feeling unwell. 308 00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:02,300 On January 15th, he retired to his bedroom. 309 00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:07,140 By the 20th, he was comatose and clearly dying, but still clinging to life. 310 00:26:07,140 --> 00:26:11,020 This presented his doctor, Lord Dawson, a bit of a problem. 311 00:26:11,020 --> 00:26:15,060 In Dawson's opinion, the world at large would be better served 312 00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:18,580 by hearing of the King's death in the morning papers, 313 00:26:18,580 --> 00:26:24,620 rather than by him lingering on a bit and it being in what he sniffily called "the evening journals". 314 00:26:24,620 --> 00:26:27,460 So he decided to force the issue. 315 00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:33,220 He wrote a very famous bulletin on the back of a menu card which was telephoned to the BBC. 316 00:26:33,220 --> 00:26:37,060 "The life of the King is moving peacefully to its close." 317 00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:41,900 He went up to the bedroom and this, according to his diary, is what he did. 318 00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:44,660 "I therefore decided to determine the end 319 00:26:44,660 --> 00:26:48,260 "and injected morphia, three-quarters of a grain, 320 00:26:48,260 --> 00:26:52,060 "and shortly afterwards cocaine, one grain..." 321 00:26:52,060 --> 00:26:54,260 Lucky old King! 322 00:26:54,260 --> 00:26:56,900 "..into the distended jugular vein. 323 00:26:56,900 --> 00:27:01,740 "I did it myself because it was obvious that Sister B, the King's nurse, 324 00:27:01,740 --> 00:27:04,180 "was disturbed by the procedure." 325 00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:06,820 "So I injected Sister B as well(!)" 326 00:27:08,260 --> 00:27:14,100 Essentially, isn't that what a speedball is? He's basically gone the same way as John Belushi. 327 00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:18,220 He gave him a speedball of morphia and cocaine which is pretty.... 328 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:23,140 - He told the family? - He wrote it in his diary and this was revealed in 1986. 329 00:27:23,140 --> 00:27:26,580 - Treason? - Well, it was quite extraordinary. 330 00:27:26,580 --> 00:27:33,340 Being a Lord, he was in the House of Lords, and he voted against euthanasia in the euthanasia debate. 331 00:27:33,340 --> 00:27:39,220 He said, "I'm not opposed to euthanasia per se..." Having just killed the King, not surprising! 332 00:27:39,220 --> 00:27:45,020 "I just felt it should be left to the discretion of doctors, not anybody else." There we are. 333 00:27:45,020 --> 00:27:48,740 - Or "a" doctor. - Or myself, basically. 334 00:27:48,740 --> 00:27:54,140 Now for a bizarre illness. What would you call a man who eats literally everything? 335 00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:55,260 Winner. 336 00:27:55,260 --> 00:27:56,940 LAUGHTER 337 00:27:56,940 --> 00:27:58,860 KLAXON SOUNDS 338 00:28:00,420 --> 00:28:01,780 Gotcha! 339 00:28:01,780 --> 00:28:03,780 Oh, no! 340 00:28:03,780 --> 00:28:05,580 APPLAUSE 341 00:28:05,580 --> 00:28:09,180 Everything? Like pens and paper clips? 342 00:28:09,180 --> 00:28:13,100 - Light bulbs? - Yeah, polyphagism. It's also known as "pica", 343 00:28:13,100 --> 00:28:20,460 an excessive appetite, often for non-nutritious substances - coal, clay, chalk, nuts, bolts, soil. 344 00:28:20,460 --> 00:28:26,300 It's an exaggerated version of what can happen in pregnancy. Did you get any weird appetite things? 345 00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:28,460 Yeah, I ate a bit less. 346 00:28:28,460 --> 00:28:33,500 Some animals suffer from it. In horses, it's called "depraved appetite". 347 00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:40,140 But the most extreme example we can come across is a man called Tarrare, a Frenchman in the 18th century. 348 00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:45,340 He was abandoned by his family as a child because they couldn't afford the food he ate. 349 00:28:45,340 --> 00:28:51,180 After working as a street entertainer swallowing stones and live animals, he became a soldier. 350 00:28:51,180 --> 00:28:56,460 They tested his appetite and he ate a meal intended for 15 people in a single sitting. 351 00:28:56,460 --> 00:29:03,700 He tore apart and ate without chewing live cats, snakes, lizards and puppies, 352 00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:06,140 so they thought he'd be a useful spy. 353 00:29:06,140 --> 00:29:11,980 They gave him things to swallow. They were at war with Prussia. But he was caught first time. 354 00:29:11,980 --> 00:29:16,420 He'd be a good spy? He'd rather draw attention to himself... 355 00:29:16,420 --> 00:29:19,500 - Well, no... - Eating everything all the time! 356 00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:26,180 They thought he could swallow a box with military secrets, so when he was searched, he would have nothing. 357 00:29:26,180 --> 00:29:29,860 He was then put on a diet in a military hospital. 358 00:29:29,860 --> 00:29:34,620 He would scavenge for offal in gutters and outside butcher's shops. 359 00:29:34,620 --> 00:29:38,780 - Scavenge for offal in gutters? - Yes, and outside butcher's shops. 360 00:29:38,780 --> 00:29:43,740 - Someone had gone, "I don't like the look of that liver," and chucked it? - Yeah. 361 00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:49,420 He attempted to drink the blood of other patients and eat the corpses in the hospital morgue. 362 00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:52,300 You know who's like that, don't you? 363 00:29:52,300 --> 00:29:55,820 I don't even need to say it any more, do I? 364 00:29:55,820 --> 00:30:02,020 Anyway, he was eventually ejected from the hospital under suspicion of having eaten a toddler. 365 00:30:02,020 --> 00:30:09,060 - A toddler? - A toddler, a little baby, yeah, a child, an infant which is against the law in France. 366 00:30:09,060 --> 00:30:13,420 - Yeah, it is. - Yes. - They're picky, the French, aren't they? 367 00:30:13,420 --> 00:30:15,660 They drew the line somewhere. 368 00:30:15,660 --> 00:30:20,940 He had a belly so loose, he could wrap the loose folds of skin around his waist. 369 00:30:20,940 --> 00:30:26,460 He sweated constantly and stank to such a degree that he could not be endured within 20 paces. 370 00:30:26,460 --> 00:30:33,060 - His eyes would become bloodshot and a visible vapour... - I'm becoming increasingly attracted towards him. 371 00:30:33,060 --> 00:30:37,020 A visible vapour would rise from his body when he ate. 372 00:30:37,020 --> 00:30:40,980 - Sounds bloody marvellous! - Someone's got to make a film about him! 373 00:30:40,980 --> 00:30:45,740 He didn't gain weight or vomit and he seemed perfectly sane. 374 00:30:45,740 --> 00:30:50,660 - He didn't gain weight? - No. - On the "eat everything" diet, he didn't gain weight? 375 00:30:50,660 --> 00:30:55,300 With a whole cat and a dog inside, they'll have eaten everything else. 376 00:30:55,300 --> 00:30:59,660 - Like the old lady who swallowed the fly. - They had a diet pill like that. 377 00:30:59,660 --> 00:31:03,700 People would eat tapeworm egg, wait till they got to their ideal weight, 378 00:31:03,700 --> 00:31:09,540 then take the helminthicide to kill the tapeworm, they'd poo out the worm and get on nicely slim. 379 00:31:09,540 --> 00:31:12,020 I wish they still made that(!) 380 00:31:12,020 --> 00:31:18,380 His autopsy revealed an enlarged liver and an enormous stomach covered in ulcers and oozing pus. 381 00:31:18,380 --> 00:31:20,460 So that's nice(!) 382 00:31:20,460 --> 00:31:22,700 Time to hand your test results in. 383 00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:27,820 Let's talk about your sleepiness here. We've got Ben here first. 384 00:31:27,820 --> 00:31:32,660 I'll tell you what the questions are. You fill in how likely you are to doze off 385 00:31:32,660 --> 00:31:36,860 in the following situations, according to the following scale. 386 00:31:36,860 --> 00:31:40,500 The situations are sitting and reading, watching TV, 387 00:31:40,500 --> 00:31:43,940 sitting inactive in a public place, e.g, theatre or meeting, 388 00:31:43,940 --> 00:31:48,980 travelling as a passenger in a car for an hour, lying down to rest in the afternoon, 389 00:31:48,980 --> 00:31:53,860 sitting and talking to someone, sitting quietly after a lunch without alcohol, 390 00:31:53,860 --> 00:31:56,740 in the car while stopped in traffic. 391 00:31:56,740 --> 00:32:01,580 Ben here scored 6 and you'll be pleased to know that 7 to 8 is average. 392 00:32:01,580 --> 00:32:06,940 0 to 6 indicates you get sufficient sleep. I don't know that my taxes are going properly 393 00:32:06,940 --> 00:32:12,500 if a doctor gets sufficient sleep. I pay you to be utterly overworked and underslept. 394 00:32:12,500 --> 00:32:17,140 - I thought this was a confidential medical... - Oh, sorry. Damn! 395 00:32:18,580 --> 00:32:20,900 This is Jo "Marlon Brando". 396 00:32:20,900 --> 00:32:23,420 LAUGHTER 397 00:32:23,420 --> 00:32:29,900 - You answered zero to everything. You sleep enough. You never fall asleep. - I never fall asleep anywhere, no. 398 00:32:29,900 --> 00:32:32,300 That's fantastic. Andy... 399 00:32:32,300 --> 00:32:37,460 Sitting and reading - 1, watching TV - 3. Your total, which you haven't done... Thanks. 400 00:32:37,460 --> 00:32:39,900 I got too tired. 401 00:32:39,900 --> 00:32:42,540 Your total is 14. 402 00:32:42,540 --> 00:32:48,060 - Yes. - Alan has answered "3" to almost everything, except sitting and talking to someone. 403 00:32:48,060 --> 00:32:52,020 - I don't sleep there. - And you score 19. 404 00:32:52,020 --> 00:32:55,180 If I sit and read a book, I fall asleep immediately. 405 00:32:55,180 --> 00:32:58,500 Anyway, you get sufficient sleep, Ben. 406 00:32:58,500 --> 00:33:02,340 The rest of you, I'm sorry to say... 7 to 8 is average. 407 00:33:02,340 --> 00:33:08,620 Anything above 9 indicates you should seek the advice of a sleep specialist without delay. 408 00:33:08,620 --> 00:33:11,260 YAWNING: I'll get on to it straight away. 409 00:33:11,260 --> 00:33:17,460 There you are. Drop your trousers. It's time for a dose of general ignorance. Fingers on beepers. 410 00:33:17,460 --> 00:33:20,660 Why shouldn't you sleep with a dog? 411 00:33:20,660 --> 00:33:22,700 COUGHING Yes? 412 00:33:22,700 --> 00:33:25,540 He won't respect you in the morning, will he? 413 00:33:25,540 --> 00:33:28,940 LAUGHTER It's against the law, isn't it? 414 00:33:28,940 --> 00:33:34,460 Not in a sexual sense. I mean "share a bed with". I'm afraid it's terribly unhealthy. 415 00:33:34,460 --> 00:33:38,660 Quite a lot of plague, amazingly, good old bubonic plague, 416 00:33:38,660 --> 00:33:43,060 - especially in the southern USA. - Not in this country surely? 417 00:33:43,060 --> 00:33:48,380 - At the moment, we seem to be OK. - Because dogs are wearing those anti-plague hats. 418 00:33:48,380 --> 00:33:50,340 LAUGHTER 419 00:33:50,340 --> 00:33:55,100 Can I just say a propos of nothing, what hideous pillow cases! 420 00:33:55,100 --> 00:33:59,060 - They are, aren't they? - Is it from the '70s, that picture? 421 00:33:59,060 --> 00:34:03,980 I bet they're that kind of brushed nylon where you catch your fingernails on it. 422 00:34:03,980 --> 00:34:09,500 The diseases you get off animals are often worse than the diseases you get off people 423 00:34:09,500 --> 00:34:15,020 because the diseases that live in humans can't kill you off instantly and universally, 424 00:34:15,020 --> 00:34:17,460 otherwise the disease would die out. 425 00:34:17,460 --> 00:34:22,700 They need you to carry on sneezing on the bus and scratching your arse and preparing food 426 00:34:22,700 --> 00:34:25,420 and the things you do to transmit stuff, 427 00:34:25,420 --> 00:34:30,900 but something that lives on a dog doesn't care if it kills off a dead-end host like a human. 428 00:34:30,900 --> 00:34:35,140 - It's not bred to... It's not part of its normal life cycle. - Yeah. 429 00:34:35,140 --> 00:34:39,940 Letting dogs and cats share your bed can cause all manner of problems. 430 00:34:39,940 --> 00:34:43,620 Now I'm having a panic attack. What do you recommend? 431 00:34:43,620 --> 00:34:46,340 A paper bag. KLAXON SOUNDS 432 00:34:47,340 --> 00:34:50,580 Ah, yes, the good old paper bag. 433 00:34:50,580 --> 00:34:53,860 - Is that not recommended any more? - No, it isn't. 434 00:34:53,860 --> 00:34:58,820 - Nor indeed the other stand-by - take a deep breath. - "Pull yourself together." 435 00:34:58,820 --> 00:35:02,300 - "Pull yourself together" is probably OK. - Yes. 436 00:35:02,300 --> 00:35:07,020 - "Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains." - Slap her, she's hysterical! 437 00:35:07,020 --> 00:35:13,100 - She had, I think... - She had good reason to be hysterical. - Jack was not behaving normally, was he? 438 00:35:13,100 --> 00:35:18,780 He was being odd. There's a new treatment called capnometry assisted respiratory training 439 00:35:18,780 --> 00:35:22,820 or CART. It encourages people to take shallow, not deep breaths. 440 00:35:22,820 --> 00:35:26,660 - You want to avoid blowing off too much carbon dioxide. - Yeah. 441 00:35:26,660 --> 00:35:30,860 Because you're hyperventilating, you're getting rid of too much CO2. 442 00:35:30,860 --> 00:35:35,780 The idea was that if you do it in the bag, you're breathing back in the CO2, 443 00:35:35,780 --> 00:35:42,340 but this is now not considered a good idea. "It's dangerous and should be retired" is the opinion. 444 00:35:42,340 --> 00:35:46,700 - It's quite hard to find a paper bag. - I'm still going to try it on Winner. 445 00:35:46,700 --> 00:35:50,900 And avoid if you can fatty and spicy foods. 446 00:35:50,900 --> 00:35:55,460 So now I'm feeling extremely angry! What should I do? 447 00:35:56,500 --> 00:35:58,700 Calm down, dear! 448 00:35:58,700 --> 00:36:01,300 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 449 00:36:01,300 --> 00:36:04,660 That's very good. You're quite right. 450 00:36:06,980 --> 00:36:10,820 - What's the best thing to do when you're angry? - Have a cigarette? 451 00:36:10,820 --> 00:36:16,420 - I'm not sure that's medically recommended. - Lie down in a dark room? Think about something nice? 452 00:36:16,420 --> 00:36:19,780 - Puppies? - Those are all good suggestions. 453 00:36:19,780 --> 00:36:23,340 The suggestion I'm glad you didn't make is "let it out". 454 00:36:23,340 --> 00:36:29,020 There was this idea that if you got very angry, you should punch a punchbag and shout. 455 00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:35,700 They've done some experiments and those that let out their anger became over time more aggressive. 456 00:36:35,700 --> 00:36:41,980 The hypothesis is that blowing off steam may reduce psychological stress in the short term, 457 00:36:41,980 --> 00:36:46,460 but it acts as a reward mechanism, reinforcing aggressive behaviour. 458 00:36:46,460 --> 00:36:51,500 You feel good when you let it out again, so maybe it's better to bottle it up. 459 00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:54,620 Be British, in other words. Stiff upper lip. 460 00:36:54,620 --> 00:36:57,980 - Don't make a scene or a fuss. - Don't make a bloody fuss! 461 00:36:57,980 --> 00:37:01,820 And above all... avoid fatty and spicy foods. 462 00:37:01,820 --> 00:37:07,540 Yes, also according to psychologists at the University of California Santa Barbara, 463 00:37:07,540 --> 00:37:12,500 it's best to make decisions when you're angry which is not what you might think. 464 00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:16,540 It seems that anger will actually... Again it's a hypothesis. 465 00:37:16,540 --> 00:37:21,820 ..that anger is designed to motivate people to take action. 466 00:37:21,820 --> 00:37:25,260 - It helps people take the right action. - Buying shoes. 467 00:37:25,260 --> 00:37:31,780 - Buying shoes when you're angry. - Make sure you're livid when you go in the shop. - "I want my shoes!" 468 00:37:31,780 --> 00:37:36,020 "Which pair would you like?" "THOSE! I'm pleased with these." 469 00:37:36,020 --> 00:37:39,380 Letting your anger out just makes matters worse. 470 00:37:39,380 --> 00:37:45,660 If you want to wash the bacteria off your hands, what temperature should the water be? 471 00:37:45,660 --> 00:37:49,060 I would say it would need to be above 30, 40... 472 00:37:49,060 --> 00:37:53,980 To kill the bacteria, the water would have to be far too hot to touch. 473 00:37:53,980 --> 00:37:57,220 It would have to be about 80 degrees centigrade. 474 00:37:57,220 --> 00:38:03,340 It's nothing to do with the temperature. It's the vigorousness of the scrubbing action. 475 00:38:03,340 --> 00:38:08,100 For proper infection control, we should all be naked below the elbow. 476 00:38:08,100 --> 00:38:13,460 - Short sleeves is the answer? - Yeah. - Which you do see in some doctors nowadays. 477 00:38:13,460 --> 00:38:19,420 - Is that now the norm? - I think so. - That's interesting. - I like those taps they have, the elbow taps. 478 00:38:19,420 --> 00:38:21,940 I'll get some of those for home. 479 00:38:24,140 --> 00:38:27,300 But do, above all, avoid fatty and spicy foods. 480 00:38:27,300 --> 00:38:31,980 How many portions of fruit and veg should you eat each day? 481 00:38:31,980 --> 00:38:34,740 Oh, now, in Japan they say nine. 482 00:38:34,740 --> 00:38:38,500 Yes, it's different all over the world, it seems. 483 00:38:38,500 --> 00:38:45,740 The five is being chosen in Britain because that's the most they could persuade the British to eat. 484 00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:52,740 - We are the most reluctant to eat... - "There's no way they'll eat any of it." - Anything green is repulsive. 485 00:38:52,740 --> 00:38:54,980 Denmark says six, France ten. 486 00:38:54,980 --> 00:39:00,420 - In Canada, it's between five and ten. - Somebody just went, "Eugh!" - The idea! 487 00:39:00,420 --> 00:39:03,180 In Scotland, it's one. 488 00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:06,220 A month. 489 00:39:06,220 --> 00:39:09,260 Supposedly, it's seven for women and... 490 00:39:09,260 --> 00:39:11,740 Haribos count in Scotland! 491 00:39:12,740 --> 00:39:14,900 Wine gums, things like that. 492 00:39:14,900 --> 00:39:18,540 SCOTTISH ACCENT: Have some vegetables - Starmix! 493 00:39:18,540 --> 00:39:22,100 "I'll have a bag of Dolly Mixtures!" 494 00:39:22,100 --> 00:39:25,340 I really wish my fridge looked like that. 495 00:39:25,340 --> 00:39:30,100 - Does anyone's fridge ever look like that? - Certainly not mine, no. 496 00:39:30,100 --> 00:39:32,700 I can't see a single pork pie in there. 497 00:39:32,700 --> 00:39:38,900 - No. - I have a lot of veg in my fridge. - Do you like pork pies? - I love them. - I love pork pies. 498 00:39:38,900 --> 00:39:43,940 I like pork pies, but you start a pork pie and you think, "I really like this," 499 00:39:43,940 --> 00:39:49,900 but two-thirds of the way through, I start to go off it and I don't know why. Is that to do with me? 500 00:39:49,900 --> 00:39:52,780 Send it to me, the rest of it. 501 00:39:52,780 --> 00:39:57,700 - You've got pork pie avoidance syndrome. - Yes, you have. 502 00:39:58,420 --> 00:40:04,740 It's rather staggering there are any British people left alive in the world. It's just amazing. 503 00:40:04,740 --> 00:40:10,300 We all eat fatty, spicy food and certainly don't get our five a day. 504 00:40:10,300 --> 00:40:13,820 Lastly, here's something every teenage boy should know. 505 00:40:13,820 --> 00:40:17,340 What is it that burns when you set fire to your farts? 506 00:40:18,780 --> 00:40:23,380 - You want someone to say "methane", don't you? - I'll say it. Methane. 507 00:40:23,380 --> 00:40:27,460 KLAXON - Thank you, Andy. - I thought it was methane. - Everybody does. 508 00:40:27,460 --> 00:40:32,500 No, most human beings do not produce methane in their extrusions. 509 00:40:32,500 --> 00:40:37,300 It seems that we produce about three pints of wind a day. 510 00:40:37,300 --> 00:40:40,100 - Pints? - Yes, it's measured in pints. 511 00:40:40,100 --> 00:40:44,060 Released in 10 to 15 individual episodes. 512 00:40:44,700 --> 00:40:47,220 You can get a box set as well. 513 00:40:47,220 --> 00:40:49,780 LAUGHTER 514 00:40:51,220 --> 00:40:53,380 Best... 515 00:40:53,380 --> 00:40:56,820 Or you can have a feature-length episode. 516 00:40:59,020 --> 00:41:05,260 Pyro-flatulence, igniting these episodes, can lead to serious burns, so don't try it at home, everybody. 517 00:41:05,260 --> 00:41:09,660 Methane in the body results from microbes called methanogens, 518 00:41:09,660 --> 00:41:16,260 but only a third of humans have methanogens in their gut flora. It seems to be genetically determined. 519 00:41:16,260 --> 00:41:22,140 A 2009 study by Arizona State University showed that methane producers are more efficient 520 00:41:22,140 --> 00:41:28,340 at converting their undigested food into fat reserves, which bluntly put, means fat people fart more. 521 00:41:28,340 --> 00:41:31,980 The major components of flatus... LAUGHTER 522 00:41:31,980 --> 00:41:35,340 The major components are all odourless. 523 00:41:35,340 --> 00:41:39,060 The aroma is caused by skatole, indole and hydrogen sulphide. 524 00:41:39,060 --> 00:41:44,740 During the Great Plague of London, doctors recommended patients store their farts in a jar, 525 00:41:44,740 --> 00:41:49,580 then when they were feeling unwell, smell them. Apparently, this would help. 526 00:41:49,580 --> 00:41:52,580 Anyway, it's usually hydrogen that's lit. 527 00:41:52,580 --> 00:41:54,940 As I always say, better out than in. 528 00:41:54,940 --> 00:41:58,460 - Definitely. - A bit like Simon Cowell in a lifeboat. 529 00:41:58,460 --> 00:42:01,300 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 530 00:42:01,300 --> 00:42:05,740 And now the complications set in as we look at the final scores. 531 00:42:05,740 --> 00:42:09,140 It's very exciting because in first place 532 00:42:09,140 --> 00:42:14,860 with a very positive and a very thrillingly impressive eight points, it's Andy Hamilton! 533 00:42:14,860 --> 00:42:18,700 APPLAUSE That's not happened before. 534 00:42:18,700 --> 00:42:20,740 And in... 535 00:42:20,740 --> 00:42:25,220 In second place with five points, it's Dr Ben Goldacre! 536 00:42:25,220 --> 00:42:27,260 APPLAUSE 537 00:42:28,900 --> 00:42:34,860 But by no means the sickest patient on the ward with only minus seven is Alan Davies! 538 00:42:34,860 --> 00:42:37,420 Oh, no! APPLAUSE 539 00:42:38,460 --> 00:42:44,740 I'm afraid it's get the mortuary trolley ready at minus 24 - Jo Brand! 540 00:42:44,740 --> 00:42:47,380 APPLAUSE 541 00:42:50,660 --> 00:42:55,940 That's all from us tonight, so it's good night from Ben, Andy, Jo, Alan and me. 542 00:42:55,940 --> 00:42:59,460 I leave you with this heart-warming tale from America. 543 00:42:59,460 --> 00:43:05,140 In 1981, the Mayor of Springfield, Illinois suffered a heart attack during a council meeting. 544 00:43:05,140 --> 00:43:10,860 The council voted to wish him a speedy recovery by a margin of 19 votes to 18. Good night. 545 00:43:28,700 --> 00:43:32,740 Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011 546 00:43:32,740 --> 00:43:35,780 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net