1 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:34,940 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 2 00:00:34,940 --> 00:00:38,460 Welcome to QI for another incongruous in-gathering 3 00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:42,060 of I-related information including income tax, inflation 4 00:00:42,060 --> 00:00:43,260 and Imperial Rome. 5 00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:46,020 Let's have a look at tonight's four Is. 6 00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:49,140 The eye-catching Sandi Toksvig. 7 00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:52,420 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 8 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:57,060 The eye-watering Al Murray. 9 00:00:57,060 --> 00:01:00,740 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 10 00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:03,220 The I-rish Dara O'Briain. 11 00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:07,220 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 12 00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:11,020 And aye, aye, aye, it's Alan Davies. 13 00:01:11,020 --> 00:01:16,260 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 14 00:01:16,260 --> 00:01:18,460 Right, let's hear your I-buzzers. 15 00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:23,420 Sandy goes... BIRD CAWS 16 00:01:23,420 --> 00:01:26,420 That was an ibis. 17 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:31,020 - Al goes... - MEN CHANT 18 00:01:31,020 --> 00:01:38,140 That was an Ibex. Dara goes... ENGINE REVS 19 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:42,060 That was a Seat Ibiza. 20 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,420 And Alan goes... 21 00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:47,100 # I, I, I, I, like you very much 22 00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:50,740 # I, I, I, I, think you're great. # 23 00:01:50,740 --> 00:01:53,100 And don't forget, if you spot a question 24 00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,460 to which you think nobody knows the answer, 25 00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:58,500 you can always play your ignoramus joker like so. 26 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,140 Nobody knows! 27 00:02:00,140 --> 00:02:04,060 There may be a question to which the answer is, nobody knows. 28 00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:06,980 So, describe, if you can, in detail, 29 00:02:06,980 --> 00:02:09,900 the world's most exotic tax inspectors. 30 00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:13,540 Not the ones who brought me into Balham once? 31 00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:15,940 Were you once given a right going over? 32 00:02:15,940 --> 00:02:18,260 I was once given a right going over, yeah. 33 00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:22,380 I'd taken tax advice from Harry Hill so it was my own fault! 34 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:28,420 He used to be a doctor so I thought he knew what he was talking about. 35 00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:31,180 I once went three days with a tax inspector 36 00:02:31,180 --> 00:02:34,660 going through, honestly, every single decimal point of everything. 37 00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:37,420 After three days, he didn't find anything and he said, 38 00:02:37,420 --> 00:02:40,340 "To be honest, Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you." 39 00:02:40,340 --> 00:02:45,980 - Wow! - I know. - Was either of them exotic, 40 00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:49,980 did they have a flowery tie or anything about them... 41 00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:53,540 - Is it going to be one of those tax haven things? - No, it's not. 42 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:56,420 We're in the Middle East, we're in an Islamic country 43 00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:59,380 where people would be embarrassed by a certain type of person, 44 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,340 a transgender person. 45 00:03:01,340 --> 00:03:05,900 In Pakistan, they have a squadron of transgender tax collectors 46 00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:09,260 who come basically to embarrass people into paying. 47 00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:11,980 They go, "Hiya. 48 00:03:11,980 --> 00:03:13,140 "You all right?" 49 00:03:13,140 --> 00:03:16,660 First of all, you go to the shop and say, 50 00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:18,500 "You owe us this much in tax." 51 00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:20,860 And they would simply say, "We refuse to pay." 52 00:03:20,860 --> 00:03:25,540 They'd say, "OK, then tomorrow we will send in a group of transgender tax collectors 53 00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:30,100 "who will dance and sing in your shop until you pay." 54 00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:32,220 # The crying game. # 55 00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:35,780 But only 5% of people pay tax in Pakistan so it's not working, is it? 56 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:38,620 There's only so many transgender people. 57 00:03:38,620 --> 00:03:42,620 They're very busy belting out I Am What I Am in shops all around the country. 58 00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:49,060 Well, there is quite a transgender, I suppose one would use the word, community in Pakistan. 59 00:03:49,060 --> 00:03:52,540 And they have obviously had it very tough, especially in the more 60 00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:56,500 extremist parts of that country where such things are frowned upon. 61 00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:59,540 But they are classed together with transvestites and eunuchs 62 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:02,100 and there's a special word for them which is hijra. 63 00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:05,220 But how extraordinary for a mother if she sees her son, 64 00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:09,740 putting on her high heels and she looks at him now and thinks, "Tax inspector!" 65 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:13,060 It is, it's a glamour profession now. 66 00:04:13,060 --> 00:04:15,940 I have to do this, mother. I'm a tax inspector. 67 00:04:15,940 --> 00:04:19,140 - It may well happen. - Nothing else is going on. 68 00:04:20,780 --> 00:04:23,700 Why are you wearing that dress this evening? 69 00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:27,540 There you are. In India, in Andhra Pradesh, they've tried drumming. 70 00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:32,140 They simply drum outside the shop or household and keep it up until they pay their taxes. 71 00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:34,540 What if you own a drum shop? 72 00:04:34,540 --> 00:04:37,620 - That would be... - That would be a fatal flaw, wouldn't it? 73 00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:40,620 It would but that's going to be a very low percentage. 74 00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:42,740 You're nitpicking here, I think, Dara. 75 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,220 What would we do here? 76 00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:49,620 Morris dancers, I think, outside your shop. "I'll pay, I will pay!" 77 00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:55,660 Basically, the governments of the world are looking for imaginative solutions to raise their taxes. 78 00:04:55,660 --> 00:04:58,740 And that is one, using transgender people in Karachi. 79 00:04:58,740 --> 00:05:01,220 You're looking astonished! 80 00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:04,780 I'm totally astonished. It's boggling. It's brilliant. 81 00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:08,260 While living in Pakistan was there any point at which Osama Bin Laden 82 00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:10,220 didn't pay his taxes and was in danger 83 00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:14,540 of four transgender people knocking on the door of his massive compound? 84 00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:15,820 No wonder he was hiding! 85 00:05:15,820 --> 00:05:18,660 I wonder what that man does for a living. What's he done? 86 00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:22,580 The whole conversation... Four of them turn up? 87 00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:25,500 Four of them, going through his papers, as you can see. 88 00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,020 "You come for my tax? I sold you that scarf." 89 00:05:28,020 --> 00:05:31,500 I think that's a counterfeit designer bag 90 00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,540 that she's wearing as well. 91 00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:35,940 He's going to get the hit squad. 92 00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:37,900 Yes, he's going to get the full show. 93 00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:38,940 Here come the girls! 94 00:05:38,940 --> 00:05:41,980 LAUGHTER 95 00:05:43,820 --> 00:05:45,500 That's what they sing. 96 00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:50,260 "We are the hit squad and the first hit will be Cher's I Believe." 97 00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:52,220 Absolutely. 98 00:05:52,220 --> 00:05:53,900 There you go. 99 00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:58,260 Now, compare the tax advantages of being a drug dealer in Tennessee 100 00:05:58,260 --> 00:06:01,420 to those of being a bank robber in the Netherlands. 101 00:06:01,420 --> 00:06:05,860 Is it in Tennessee they can claim back 102 00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:08,100 the expense of buying the drugs against tax 103 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,020 as a business expense or something? 104 00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:14,940 - You're in the right area. - There's some kind of accounting loophole. 105 00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:17,980 What they tried in Tennessee was to put a duty on drugs, 106 00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:20,220 as you do on alcohol and tobacco. 107 00:06:20,220 --> 00:06:23,860 So all these criminals who were found as drug dealers 108 00:06:23,860 --> 00:06:27,220 not only went to prison but they had to pay this tax on the drugs. 109 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,460 Like a stamp duty? 110 00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:31,980 Yes, but then constitutionally, it was discovered to be against... 111 00:06:31,980 --> 00:06:36,460 It counted as double jeopardy cos they were getting punished twice for the same crime. 112 00:06:36,460 --> 00:06:40,460 So now the state of Tennessee is paying money back 113 00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:42,460 to all the drug dealers. 114 00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:45,740 It's already paid millions out. 115 00:06:45,740 --> 00:06:50,260 About 161 people have already received 3.7 million... 116 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:53,020 Because there was a bit of a screw-up. 117 00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:55,540 They thought it was a clever idea to get extra money 118 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,860 out of drug criminals, instead they've actually lost out. 119 00:06:58,860 --> 00:07:00,740 They'll only spend it on drugs. 120 00:07:00,740 --> 00:07:03,780 So with bank robbers in the Netherlands, it must be that 121 00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:07,980 - you can claim for the expense of your gun. - Yes! - Is that right? - Absolutely right. 122 00:07:07,980 --> 00:07:12,500 Someone was found guilty of holding a place up with a gun 123 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:17,180 and he was fined and his gun was an allowable expense 124 00:07:17,180 --> 00:07:21,060 - so the price of his gun was deducted from his fine. - Fantastic. 125 00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:25,740 - But presumably you'd need a receipt, first of all. - Yes. 126 00:07:25,740 --> 00:07:27,260 It was a working expense. 127 00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:30,740 So if you commit crimes that are worth less than your gun, 128 00:07:30,740 --> 00:07:33,220 - you will always be ahead. - Yes! 129 00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:37,940 - A very expensive getaway car. - Yes, exactly. 130 00:07:37,940 --> 00:07:39,820 Use a Porsche as a getaway car! 131 00:07:39,820 --> 00:07:43,380 - Very expensive silk stockings over your face. - La Perla, you see. 132 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:44,420 Absolutely. 133 00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:48,060 Presumably you'd have to prove you bought the right thing for the crime. 134 00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:51,020 If you had a gun, fine. But if you had a ballistic missile, 135 00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:53,940 - they're not going to cough up. - I think you're right. 136 00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:57,180 Was it Robert Morley who used to run Miss World? 137 00:07:57,180 --> 00:07:59,020 Eric Morley, I think his name was. 138 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,460 He claimed his racehorses as a tax expense 139 00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:05,500 and it went all the way to court with him saying, basically, 140 00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:07,980 "I'm in the business of being Eric Morley 141 00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:12,820 "and that includes owning racehorses to keep up my kind of lifestyle 142 00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:17,340 "and have the swagger of being the man that runs Miss World, I need racehorses." And he won. 143 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:21,060 - Good God. - So he was able to claim his racehorses as a business expense. 144 00:08:21,060 --> 00:08:24,020 I once bought a racehorse by mistake. 145 00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:27,100 What had you originally gone into the shop for? 146 00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:30,060 I was there as a tax inspector. 147 00:08:30,060 --> 00:08:32,260 You wanted a pint of Activia pouring yoghurt 148 00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:34,780 and you bought a racehorse 149 00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:37,460 Oh, you heard about that little problem I had? 150 00:08:37,460 --> 00:08:41,540 LAUGHTER 151 00:08:41,540 --> 00:08:43,420 Table this, people. 152 00:08:43,420 --> 00:08:47,100 No, what happened was, I was at Epsom and somebody had given a racehorse 153 00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:49,540 to auction to the crowd to raise money for charity. 154 00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:53,980 And I was asked if I'd auction it off. So I said, "What am I bid for this marvellous racehorse? 155 00:08:53,980 --> 00:08:56,780 I'm standing next to the horse and nobody bids. 156 00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:59,180 So I said, "I'll start us off. 3,000 Guineas." 157 00:08:59,180 --> 00:09:00,340 STEPHEN GASPS 158 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:03,740 Silence. I was the only person who bid... 159 00:09:03,740 --> 00:09:04,980 Oh, Sandy! 160 00:09:04,980 --> 00:09:10,540 ..on the horse and I'd come in my sports car. I'd no idea how I was going to get it home. 161 00:09:10,540 --> 00:09:15,300 - So, did you have to pay out? - No, the man very nicely bought it back off me. 162 00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,700 - How much for? - Well, I lost on it. 163 00:09:19,340 --> 00:09:22,860 For about a minute and a half, I owned a racehorse. 164 00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:25,540 Did you follow the fortunes of that racehorse? 165 00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:29,380 No, I've never been to the races again. It's too terrifying. 166 00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:31,580 Good Lord. Well, there you are. 167 00:09:31,580 --> 00:09:34,740 I do know an actor who claimed his carpet on the grounds 168 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:39,340 that it was wear and tear because he used to walk up and down learning his lines. 169 00:09:39,340 --> 00:09:42,580 - Quite clever. - Didn't get away with it. 170 00:09:42,580 --> 00:09:45,300 - But he still put it in. - Good effort. 171 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:48,380 Yes. Absolutely. I tried to claim for a bed once. No reason. 172 00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:51,580 I was new to the game, I just thought you put everything down. 173 00:09:51,580 --> 00:09:54,540 Why? Because you had to sleep with directors to get parts? 174 00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,260 Exactly. 175 00:09:56,260 --> 00:10:00,900 Turns out you don't actually have to use a bed for that. Behind a skip, anything. 176 00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,180 They're not discerning about it. 177 00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:06,580 I was dressing the room, I was putting music on. They don't care. 178 00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:10,260 They want to use you and go. You're nothing to them. 179 00:10:10,260 --> 00:10:12,940 I did try and claim for some paintings in my office 180 00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:15,420 and I was in the tax inspector's place and he said, 181 00:10:15,420 --> 00:10:17,540 "What is this, paintings in the office?" 182 00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:21,940 I said, "For goodness sake, nobody could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. 183 00:10:21,940 --> 00:10:25,980 And as I looked around, there was a single solitary poster... 184 00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:28,380 of the Heimlich manoeuvre. 185 00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:30,380 LAUGHTER 186 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:33,740 - I couldn't think how often that would come up. - No, not really. 187 00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:36,420 Not when you're on your own, in particular. 188 00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:38,300 People will try anything, basically. 189 00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:42,260 Now, why does this house have bricked up windows? 190 00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:45,380 Ah, I expect there'll be a klaxon, 191 00:10:45,380 --> 00:10:48,140 but there was window tax, wasn't there? 192 00:10:48,140 --> 00:10:50,700 KLAXON 193 00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:54,380 People like to go around the place and point at a black window 194 00:10:54,380 --> 00:10:56,540 and go, "Window tax, you see?" 195 00:10:56,540 --> 00:10:58,780 Yeah, I'm one of those people. 196 00:10:58,780 --> 00:11:02,460 Because there was a window tax from the 1690s right up to 1851. 197 00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:06,300 What is this, then? A sort of 18th century fashionably solid curtain? 198 00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:08,820 Yes, basically. 199 00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:11,220 It was just to balance the house out, basically. 200 00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:14,020 There were a lot of bricked in ones but this is an example 201 00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:17,700 of where it was just used to make it look slightly more symmetrical. 202 00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:20,420 It looks slightly like they had a child they didn't love 203 00:11:20,420 --> 00:11:23,580 and they bricked them into a part of the house. 204 00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:28,660 Looking at the brickwork, I think there was an extension somewhere. Anyway... 205 00:11:28,660 --> 00:11:33,460 That doesn't excuse the fact that Granny has been living in that slim portion of... 206 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,380 They just slide pizzas under the door. 207 00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:39,220 Was there not a brick tax at one point? I think you can tell 208 00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:42,180 the age of some London buildings by the size of the brick. 209 00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:46,940 Is that right? Certainly before the window tax, there was a hearth and chimney tax for fireplaces. 210 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:50,100 Then they decided the window tax would be a good idea. 211 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:54,300 It was in the 1850s that they realised the British glass industry was doing very badly. 212 00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:57,660 There's an example... Those were blanked out for window tax. 213 00:11:57,660 --> 00:11:59,860 A, people were not getting enough light 214 00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:04,060 and it was very disadvantageous for the poor who lived in dark places, 215 00:12:04,060 --> 00:12:07,340 and the British glass industry was getting really depressed. 216 00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:09,780 But the candle makers were raking it in. 217 00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:12,060 Candle makers were raking it in, there is that. 218 00:12:12,060 --> 00:12:14,980 Is it or isn't it where daylight robbery comes from? 219 00:12:14,980 --> 00:12:19,780 This idea of taking away the windows and window tax was daylight robbery. I'm not sure. 220 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:23,540 No, I think daylight robbery is you just take something in plain sight. 221 00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:25,780 It's shameless robbery, daylight robbery. 222 00:12:25,780 --> 00:12:29,060 That house would make a very good advent calendar. 223 00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:30,820 Yes, it would. 224 00:12:30,820 --> 00:12:33,500 Imagine that. A huge chocolate behind... 225 00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:36,020 LAUGHTER 226 00:12:36,020 --> 00:12:38,260 Scare the life out of the children! 227 00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:43,420 Surely somebody's rung the doorbell and gone, "By the way, they've repealed the window tax." 228 00:12:43,420 --> 00:12:46,420 But other countries have chosen other strange taxes. 229 00:12:46,420 --> 00:12:48,540 What do you think they taxed in Amsterdam? 230 00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:51,740 There's a narrowness, isn't there? The width of the building. 231 00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:54,060 Yes, they taxed the width in Amsterdam. 232 00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:57,740 Hence you get those extraordinary, Dutch, very, very narrow houses. 233 00:12:57,740 --> 00:13:02,020 - And all of them have that gable extended... - For a pulley system? 234 00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:05,780 So everything got lifted up cos the doors were too narrow to bring things in. 235 00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:09,820 It results in rather beautiful architecture, don't you think? 236 00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:13,500 - Nobody agrees with me. Everyone thinks it's hideous... - It's lovely. 237 00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:16,820 - I think they just look very narrow. - Well, yes! 238 00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:18,700 Nice buildings, could be a bit wider. 239 00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,340 It's the sort of building that I think, ooh, 240 00:13:21,340 --> 00:13:24,980 - imagine if you'd forgotten something on the top floor... - That's true. 241 00:13:24,980 --> 00:13:29,740 And you'd gone... You'd buy another. Whatever it was, you'd buy another. 242 00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:33,380 It's nice to have the stairs up, maybe in a spiral, 243 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,380 but there should be a pole down. 244 00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:38,140 - Have you ever been down a fireman's pole? - No, I haven't! 245 00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:39,460 LAUGHTER 246 00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:43,180 You really tried to keep a straight face! 247 00:13:43,180 --> 00:13:44,860 I meant it in the most serious way. 248 00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:48,060 That raises a question, why don't firemen live in bungalows? 249 00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:53,220 Why the pole? Why not be on the same level as the fire truck? 250 00:13:53,220 --> 00:13:56,100 Because you've got to jump into your boots, haven't you? 251 00:13:56,100 --> 00:14:01,860 No, you don't, you can just put them on! Just pull the boots on! 252 00:14:01,860 --> 00:14:05,060 It's Wallace and Gromit you're thinking of! 253 00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:09,300 Oh, going to a fire isn't enough of an adventure, is it? 254 00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,900 It's not exciting enough. 255 00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:14,580 It's quite scary, I visited a fire station in Indiana 256 00:14:14,580 --> 00:14:17,180 and they said, "Go on, jump." 257 00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:21,700 And there's a pole, and I suddenly realised, I don't want to do this. 258 00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:24,220 I eventually did it, and it's horribly squeaky, 259 00:14:24,220 --> 00:14:28,340 - like nails on a blackboard. - Is it like a slide that's warm? 260 00:14:28,340 --> 00:14:31,300 It should have been oiled, I feel. 261 00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:33,300 LAUGHTER 262 00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:37,700 Oil's flammable! They can't turn up at a fire covered in oil! 263 00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:40,740 That's true! I hadn't thought it through! 264 00:14:40,740 --> 00:14:42,380 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 265 00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:46,500 You're quite right. Yeah, I don't think these things through. 266 00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:51,540 Surely there's training, because I would presume if you jump and grab it with cloth, 267 00:14:51,540 --> 00:14:54,900 you'll just go straight down at nearly terminal velocity. 268 00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:59,180 - Grab it with your leg. - Get nasty burns. 269 00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:02,500 That would be an ironic thing, to get a burn on the way to a fire. 270 00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:05,140 While they're going down holding on with their legs, 271 00:15:05,140 --> 00:15:09,060 - they're putting their hat on and doing their... - Bungalow. 272 00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:12,780 - You're right. - Bungalows, I'm sorry. - The fire engines take up all the room. 273 00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:17,780 That's true, you've got to have... Two machines abreast is usual, isn't it, 274 00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:20,460 and if all the living quarters were next door... 275 00:15:20,460 --> 00:15:24,740 Sorry, I just thought of breasts. LAUGHTER 276 00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:26,820 Two machines...? 277 00:15:26,820 --> 00:15:29,700 Two machines per breast! 278 00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:34,580 It was an odd moment, Alan, because I was with you. 279 00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:37,740 LAUGHTER 280 00:15:37,740 --> 00:15:40,340 - Some sort of pumping going on... - Oh, dear! 281 00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:44,740 - Lifting machine, or a... - Never mind, no. Anyway... 282 00:15:44,740 --> 00:15:48,340 What I don't like is they no longer have a ladder on the top 283 00:15:48,340 --> 00:15:52,660 that sometimes comes adrift and one dangles off the end going round corners. 284 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:55,340 Oh, yes, like in, was it One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing 285 00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:58,700 or one of those Disney films where they go round London...? 286 00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:01,500 The only recent film, I think it was Terminator 3. 287 00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,340 Oh, did they use it in Terminator 3? 288 00:16:03,340 --> 00:16:08,420 - The Terminator was hanging off the end and went through buildings. - Wow. 289 00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:11,780 It was very exciting. I think it was perhaps done on a computer. 290 00:16:11,780 --> 00:16:14,340 Yeah, that's probably true. 291 00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:17,820 Now, talking of large tax bills, 292 00:16:17,820 --> 00:16:20,820 named the best paid sportsman of all time. 293 00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:24,140 - So it's not going to be one of those. - I was going to say one of those, 294 00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:27,940 - I was going to say that one on the left. - Were you? Not the best laid! 295 00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:30,060 KLAXON SOUNDS 296 00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:31,300 That's ridiculous! 297 00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:33,020 LAUGHTER 298 00:16:33,020 --> 00:16:36,180 - Thought crime for Alan Davies! - Absolutely! 299 00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:39,420 - Is it of all-time? So... - It's going to be relative, 300 00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:43,620 - so it's going to be someone in Ancient Greece or something. - Spartacus. - Imperial Rome. 301 00:16:43,620 --> 00:16:47,060 Imperial Rome is indeed where we need to be, yeah. 302 00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:49,740 - Is it a gladiator of some description? - Not a gladiator. 303 00:16:49,740 --> 00:16:51,100 - Charioteer? - Charioteer. 304 00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:55,100 A charioteer by the name of Gaius Appuleius Diocles, 305 00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:59,100 and he was a Lusitanian Spaniard, and he was the greatest sportsman of his age. 306 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,020 He wasn't a looker, though, was he? 307 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:04,660 That might not be accurate! We know he was... 308 00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:07,220 What makes you say that?! 309 00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:08,540 Judging by the horses... 310 00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:12,380 After a while, you do turn into a little bit like the animal that you work with. 311 00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:14,340 LAUGHTER 312 00:17:14,340 --> 00:17:17,140 He won 1,462 races, 313 00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:23,780 which racked up 35,863,120 sesterces in prize money, 314 00:17:23,780 --> 00:17:26,900 as recorded in a monumental inscription, exactly that amount. 315 00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:29,180 He's the champion of all charioteers, 316 00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:31,740 and if you compare this to the average wage of the day 317 00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:35,220 and use all the calculations that people use to determine these things, 318 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:40,460 his career winnings amounted to an equivalent of 15 billion. 319 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:44,340 - Quite astonishing amount of money. - That would make Tiger Woods pale! 320 00:17:44,340 --> 00:17:45,620 That's a fantastic... 321 00:17:45,620 --> 00:17:48,100 Tiger Woods was the first to earn a billion, 322 00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:51,340 so he's certainly the best paid of our time, but not of all time. 323 00:17:51,340 --> 00:17:53,780 - I wish charioteer was rhyming slang. - For...? 324 00:17:53,780 --> 00:17:55,540 (QUIETLY) You know, a queer. 325 00:17:55,540 --> 00:17:57,140 Oh! 326 00:17:57,140 --> 00:17:59,300 I think we've got enough words! 327 00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:00,700 Another one! 328 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:06,540 - Iron and ginger. - It would've been funnier... - "He's a charioteer." 329 00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:08,180 Chariot! 330 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:10,220 LAUGHTER 331 00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:11,540 If we pretended. 332 00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:13,180 HE WHINNIES 333 00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:15,420 LAUGHTER 334 00:18:15,420 --> 00:18:21,140 - Ben Hur. - Yeah, Ben Hur. - Well, Ben Hur would suit, I think. 335 00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:24,140 If you try to reclaim it, to empower yourself by using a word 336 00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:26,580 we just invented that was never actually slang, 337 00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:29,260 and you're going, "Well, I am a charioteer 338 00:18:29,260 --> 00:18:31,020 "and none of you can say it." 339 00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:36,820 It's our word, we've got it back for ourselves. A charioteer of fire. 340 00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:39,820 - Down a pole. - Hey! 341 00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:44,780 - You reclaimed that in under a minute. It's the fastest ever. - It was pretty good, wasn't it? 342 00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:51,820 Well, anyway, this was in 146 AD that he retired as the richest sportsman. 343 00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:55,460 And they had four horses and there were up to 12 teams 344 00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:58,660 and they would go round a lap, like Ben Hur, 345 00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:03,300 and the skill was cornering, it was incredibly difficult. And he won nearly 1,500 races. 346 00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:08,060 - Nero used to race in chariot races and he always won everything. - Yeah. 347 00:19:08,060 --> 00:19:11,380 So what used to happen, on one occasion he fell out of the chariot 348 00:19:11,380 --> 00:19:14,460 and everybody stopped and pretended that their horse had got 349 00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:18,100 something wrong with them, having a look, going, "Is he back in?" 350 00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:19,980 - And then he got back in and he won. - Gosh! 351 00:19:19,980 --> 00:19:25,220 - Is it true or is it a myth that people were killed in the filming? - In the original Ben Hur, 352 00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:29,460 - the silent one, I think people were killed, in the previous version. - In the silent one 353 00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:31,700 they were going at phenomenal speed. 354 00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:34,780 - Nobody minded in those days. - No, you couldn't hear a thing. 355 00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:38,620 No, quite. ALAN WAILS 356 00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:40,500 The card comes up. 357 00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:43,460 Do you know the connection between Ben Hur and Billy the Kid? 358 00:19:43,460 --> 00:19:46,620 Well, do you know who wrote Ben Hur the novel? 359 00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,780 I feel like I did know it and now I don't. 360 00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:52,260 He was a man called Wallace and he was the governor of New Mexico. 361 00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:56,660 - And he was the one who signed Billy the Kid's death warrant. - That's fabulous trivia. 362 00:19:56,660 --> 00:20:00,420 - Isn't it? - Yes. Well done, you. I think you should get an extra point for that. 363 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:01,820 LAUGHTER 364 00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:05,420 Thank you very much. Staying in that period of time for a moment, 365 00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:10,420 please fill me in on this little piece of information. Who had to return to their birthplace 366 00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:14,860 - for the census? - This is going to be one of those things where we say 367 00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:17,940 Joseph and Mary and it isn't Joseph and Mary because... 368 00:20:17,940 --> 00:20:20,660 KLAXON SOUNDS 369 00:20:20,660 --> 00:20:26,460 - Yeah, it isn't that at all because. - Tiger Woods? - It's not. 370 00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:29,700 Clever, always being one step behind. 371 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:34,420 LAUGHTER The story is given in one of the Gospels - Luke - 372 00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:37,940 where it says that Caesar Augustus, if you remember, in those days 373 00:20:37,940 --> 00:20:40,940 issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire 374 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:46,220 - Roman world. And we know this is simply... - Not true. The dates are all over the place. 375 00:20:46,220 --> 00:20:49,660 No, there was never a census of the entire Roman world. 376 00:20:49,660 --> 00:20:52,780 And there is also absolutely no truth in the fact that you had to 377 00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:56,380 return to the place of your birth in order to complete a census. 378 00:20:56,380 --> 00:21:01,020 There's only one reason why Luke would want you to think 379 00:21:01,020 --> 00:21:04,660 that Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem to give birth. 380 00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:08,660 - To fulfil the prophecy? - To fulfil the prophecy is the point. 381 00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:11,860 In the Old Testament it says that the Messiah will be born 382 00:21:11,860 --> 00:21:15,100 from the stem off Jesse, and that means? 383 00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,900 What is the stem of Jesse? 384 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:20,660 There's so many answers I don't even know where to begin. LAUGHTER 385 00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:23,820 What time is this broadcast? 386 00:21:23,820 --> 00:21:27,060 King David in the Bible was David, son of Jesse. 387 00:21:27,060 --> 00:21:31,820 And in the various prophecies, they say the Messiah will be born 388 00:21:31,820 --> 00:21:34,980 in Bethlehem from the stem of Jesse, i.e. from the family. 389 00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:39,740 But it's all about Joseph, and Mary, supposedly, is a virgin, 390 00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:43,020 so the stem of Jesse's got nothing to do with it. 391 00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:46,580 - I know, the whole thing doesn't make sense. - What?! 392 00:21:46,580 --> 00:21:50,740 I don't believe for a minute. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 393 00:21:50,740 --> 00:21:54,860 I spent a lot of time on this as a kid in Ireland. 394 00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:58,860 Don't tell me now, don't let the scales fall from my eyes now. 395 00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:03,140 It doesn't make any sense anyway. If you were going to count people... 396 00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:06,900 - If we had the census here, I'd have to go back to Copenhagen. - That's the point. 397 00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:10,740 It's only put in there in order to get him to be born in Bethlehem. 398 00:22:10,740 --> 00:22:13,260 Luke is the Gospel writer who's most determined 399 00:22:13,260 --> 00:22:15,620 to fit in all the prophesies. 400 00:22:15,620 --> 00:22:20,380 And it wasn't a Bethlehem tourist board-type thing, where they said, 401 00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:23,220 "Is there any chance you could place this story here? 402 00:22:24,820 --> 00:22:28,260 "We've got the guys with the relics ready to go! 403 00:22:28,260 --> 00:22:30,740 "Can you shift it to us?" 404 00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:35,420 - Like Santa Claus, Lapland, versus Santa Claus, North Pole. - Yes. 405 00:22:35,420 --> 00:22:38,540 This is probably exactly an excellent parallel to draw 406 00:22:38,540 --> 00:22:39,940 between the two things! 407 00:22:39,940 --> 00:22:42,700 But Lapland have just decided that's where Santa lives. 408 00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:46,460 - And of course, the real St Nicholas came from Turkey. - Of course. 409 00:22:46,460 --> 00:22:48,420 And lived in the North Pole! 410 00:22:48,420 --> 00:22:53,580 The things we've really been cheated on are the really interesting books 411 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:55,500 that should have been in the Bible. 412 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:58,020 The Bible was assembled over a long period of time, 413 00:22:58,020 --> 00:23:00,260 well after the birth of Christ. 414 00:23:00,260 --> 00:23:02,460 It was 300 years later, they got together. 415 00:23:02,460 --> 00:23:04,900 There were constant conferences going on, 416 00:23:04,900 --> 00:23:08,980 deciding on which bits of scripture they should include in the Bible. 417 00:23:08,980 --> 00:23:11,900 There are some wonderful ones about the infancy of Christ. 418 00:23:11,900 --> 00:23:15,140 Wouldn't this make you more interested in Jesus? 419 00:23:15,140 --> 00:23:18,500 This is one here. They're the Infancy Gospels, 420 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:21,860 which were rejected from the final cut of the Bible. 421 00:23:21,860 --> 00:23:25,180 Is this like an Easter egg, ironically, on a DVD? 422 00:23:25,180 --> 00:23:26,740 "Mary dismounted from her beast 423 00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:29,500 "and sat down with the child Jesus in her bosom, 424 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:31,780 "and there were, with Joseph, three boys, 425 00:23:31,780 --> 00:23:34,380 "and Mary, a girl, going on the journey along with them, 426 00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:38,180 "and lo, suddenly, there came forth from the cave many dragons. 427 00:23:38,180 --> 00:23:40,940 "When the children saw them, they cried out in great terror. 428 00:23:40,940 --> 00:23:43,540 "Then, Jesus went down from the bosom of his mother 429 00:23:43,540 --> 00:23:45,620 "and stood on his feet before the dragons, 430 00:23:45,620 --> 00:23:48,020 "and they adored Jesus and thereafter retired." 431 00:23:48,020 --> 00:23:49,580 Oh, that's fantastic! 432 00:23:49,580 --> 00:23:51,180 That's marvellous! 433 00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:54,740 Wouldn't you have paid more attention in Sunday school?! 434 00:23:54,740 --> 00:23:58,340 You're reading that to us in your Harry Potter voice, as well! 435 00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:05,340 The Bible meets Puff, The Magic Dragon - that's fantastic! 436 00:24:05,340 --> 00:24:10,580 That is typical - "Oh, that lizard? That's a dragon! That's a dragon!" 437 00:24:10,580 --> 00:24:13,100 What did the 2001 census reveal to be 438 00:24:13,100 --> 00:24:15,220 the fourth-largest religion in Britain? 439 00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:19,340 This is going to go off, but I'm going to say Jedi. 440 00:24:19,340 --> 00:24:21,220 KLAXON BLARES 441 00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:25,020 No, the fourth-largest number of people put Jedi as their religion, 442 00:24:25,020 --> 00:24:28,060 but they were not counted as a religion. 443 00:24:28,060 --> 00:24:31,100 Those who put Jedi were put in the box "No religion". 444 00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:32,940 They were ruled out for being silly. 445 00:24:32,940 --> 00:24:36,580 For being silly. The fourth-biggest religion is, in fact, in Britain? 446 00:24:36,580 --> 00:24:40,540 - Christian's got to be the top one still. Muslim second? - Yeah. 447 00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:42,020 Sikh? Hindu? 448 00:24:42,020 --> 00:24:44,820 Yes, fourth is Sikh. There were 14 Scots who put "Sith". 449 00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:51,340 Do you know when they released the press release about this... 450 00:24:51,340 --> 00:24:54,500 Was it something like 37,000 or something? 451 00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:57,260 Huge, more than that, 390,000. 452 00:24:57,260 --> 00:24:59,340 The actual official form said... 453 00:24:59,340 --> 00:25:00,900 - What was the number? - 390,000. 454 00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:04,580 It was released as, "390,000 Jedi there are." 455 00:25:05,860 --> 00:25:07,500 That is very good! 456 00:25:08,620 --> 00:25:12,740 I'm reminded of an injustice that we did to you last series, Dara. 457 00:25:12,740 --> 00:25:15,380 Do you remember, we did this thing about a louse 458 00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:17,620 that goes into the tongue of fish? 459 00:25:17,620 --> 00:25:20,460 - Yes, I remember that, it was revolting. - It was revolting. 460 00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:22,940 It goes into the tongue, it eats the fish's tongue 461 00:25:22,940 --> 00:25:25,660 and becomes the fish's tongue and lives inside them, 462 00:25:25,660 --> 00:25:30,540 and you said, "But surely fish don't have tongues?" 463 00:25:30,540 --> 00:25:31,980 I brushed you off. 464 00:25:31,980 --> 00:25:35,660 In, I'm sure, a friendly way, I said, "Silly Dara!" 465 00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:37,020 No, you stood over me, 466 00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:40,060 I remember vividly, with a cane, and you beat me! 467 00:25:40,060 --> 00:25:45,420 You said, "Your impertinence! You're here at my mercy!" 468 00:25:45,420 --> 00:25:47,660 - It turns out that fish don't have tongues. - Yes! 469 00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:51,100 You're right, so I can give you some points for that from last time. 470 00:25:51,100 --> 00:25:53,820 They look like tongues, but they aren't muscles 471 00:25:53,820 --> 00:25:57,140 and they don't have taste buds. They're called basihyal, 472 00:25:57,140 --> 00:26:00,780 and they're quite a common dish in Newfoundland, cod's basihyal. 473 00:26:00,780 --> 00:26:04,140 Sorry, is he going to get points and we weren't even there?! 474 00:26:05,460 --> 00:26:08,420 - Al... - I've know loads of stuff I haven't said! 475 00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:17,100 No, I'm OK, cos I came on in series two 476 00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:20,460 and I mentioned a thing called the triple point of water being zero. 477 00:26:20,460 --> 00:26:22,420 On series three, I came back and they said, 478 00:26:22,420 --> 00:26:26,300 "No, we've had e-mails - actually, the temperature is 0.01." Right? 479 00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:29,140 So I was one hundredth of a degree off on this, 480 00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:32,140 and he docked me points the following year! 481 00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:34,860 I'm happily take them, yeah! 482 00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:38,220 Exactly. What goes around comes around. Don't feel bad. 483 00:26:38,220 --> 00:26:40,980 You may get points in two years' time. 484 00:26:40,980 --> 00:26:42,420 When you least expect it! 485 00:26:42,420 --> 00:26:46,020 Stephen will appear and go, "Some points!" 486 00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:52,260 It isn't actually a tongue, and it doesn't have taste buds, 487 00:26:52,260 --> 00:26:54,540 as I say, but what's it actually for? 488 00:26:54,540 --> 00:26:56,860 Fooling Dara O Briain! 489 00:26:57,900 --> 00:27:00,460 Getting bits out of your teeth. 490 00:27:00,460 --> 00:27:03,940 - Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl! - I'm going to go, now, it's too late. 491 00:27:03,940 --> 00:27:06,060 Nobody knows, is the answer. 492 00:27:06,060 --> 00:27:08,820 You could have waved your "Nobody knows"... 493 00:27:08,820 --> 00:27:11,820 If I do it now, can I have points in three years? 494 00:27:11,820 --> 00:27:15,860 - Maybe! - Not understood this game at all! 495 00:27:15,860 --> 00:27:19,820 - You're not alone! - Like a nightmare! 496 00:27:19,820 --> 00:27:22,260 On the subject of numbers, though, 497 00:27:22,260 --> 00:27:25,700 what is the smallest uninteresting number? 498 00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:29,820 - What's an interesting number? - They're all interesting to me. I really love numbers. 499 00:27:29,820 --> 00:27:33,460 Three sounds quite interesting. It sounds more interesting than two. 500 00:27:33,460 --> 00:27:36,220 Three is the magic number. 501 00:27:36,220 --> 00:27:39,460 Three is sexy, four is somebody's going to fall out of bed. 502 00:27:39,460 --> 00:27:42,500 We've got to go high. Numbers have fascinating properties. 503 00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:45,500 But it doesn't make sense. The smallest most uninteresting... 504 00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:48,020 If it was the smallest most uninteresting number... 505 00:27:48,020 --> 00:27:50,500 - It's a paradox. - It would be interesting. 506 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:54,020 You're absolutely right. But nonetheless, it is, in mathematical terms 507 00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:57,940 the least-interesting number, but we're aware of the paradox behind it. 508 00:27:57,940 --> 00:28:02,020 So, ignoring the paradox side of it, cos it is quite interesting, 509 00:28:02,020 --> 00:28:04,820 there is a number... 510 00:28:04,820 --> 00:28:06,580 Is it only of numerical interest, 511 00:28:06,580 --> 00:28:08,780 or is it of a physical interest as well? 512 00:28:08,780 --> 00:28:11,340 Do you know the Hardy-Ramanujan story? 513 00:28:11,340 --> 00:28:14,220 I know so many Hardy-Ramanujan stories. 514 00:28:14,220 --> 00:28:16,780 There was a very great mathematician, 515 00:28:16,780 --> 00:28:20,260 probably one of the three greatest mathematicians who ever lived, 516 00:28:20,260 --> 00:28:23,620 called Ramanujan, who was a self-taught Indian from Tamil Nadu, 517 00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:25,100 a remarkable man. 518 00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:28,860 He ended up being the first Indian to be a Fellow of the Royal Society 519 00:28:28,860 --> 00:28:30,940 or a Fellow of an Oxbridge college. 520 00:28:30,940 --> 00:28:34,540 He worked with GH Hardy at Trinity College, Cambridge, 521 00:28:34,540 --> 00:28:37,060 who was then the most famous mathematician around. 522 00:28:37,060 --> 00:28:41,220 But he ended up in hospital with tuberculosis, and he was dying. 523 00:28:41,220 --> 00:28:43,420 - It's an incredibly sad story. - Three years? 524 00:28:43,420 --> 00:28:45,940 That's right. Remarkable work. 525 00:28:45,940 --> 00:28:48,860 Anyway, Hardy went in one day to sit at his bedside 526 00:28:48,860 --> 00:28:51,140 and couldn't think of anything to say. 527 00:28:51,140 --> 00:28:55,420 And he said "Well, the licence number of the cab I came in was rather dull. 528 00:28:55,420 --> 00:28:58,460 "1729. That's not an interesting number, is it?" 529 00:28:58,460 --> 00:29:02,700 And Ramanujan instantly said "On the contrary, it's the smallest number 530 00:29:02,700 --> 00:29:06,300 "that is expressible as the sum of two cubes in two different ways." 531 00:29:06,300 --> 00:29:08,940 Which is extraordinary, you must admit. 532 00:29:08,940 --> 00:29:12,540 You must have quite a mathematical mind to see that. So that, for example, 533 00:29:12,540 --> 00:29:16,580 - is an interesting number. - I feel like Homer Simpson at the moment. 534 00:29:17,820 --> 00:29:21,460 - Anyway, there is... - There is a number. 535 00:29:21,460 --> 00:29:26,260 Let's put people out of their mathematical misery. 536 00:29:26,260 --> 00:29:30,900 There is an online encyclopaedia of integer sequences, which lists thousands of sequences 537 00:29:30,900 --> 00:29:33,340 of integers which have different qualities. 538 00:29:33,340 --> 00:29:37,900 And the smallest number which does not appear in any of these lists, 539 00:29:37,900 --> 00:29:41,420 and is therefore uninteresting, is 12,407. 540 00:29:41,420 --> 00:29:44,260 But as Sandi rightly said, that makes it interesting. 541 00:29:44,260 --> 00:29:47,700 It is the smallest number that does not appear to have any quality 542 00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:50,820 that, to a mathematician, is interesting. 543 00:29:50,820 --> 00:29:53,300 - I feel kind of sad. - 12,407. 544 00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:55,900 Now it's the most famous number in the country. 545 00:29:55,900 --> 00:29:58,140 It now becomes the most famous number, 546 00:29:58,140 --> 00:30:01,580 - after 1729. - But it will now go on a list of QI facts. 547 00:30:01,580 --> 00:30:05,940 - So now it will be on a list. - Google it now, and it will appear. 548 00:30:05,940 --> 00:30:10,860 Yeah, but in pure mathmetical terms, arithmetical terms, it will remain uninteresting. 549 00:30:10,860 --> 00:30:14,860 You could stick it on Big Brother. You could let it win Britain's Got Talent. 550 00:30:14,860 --> 00:30:17,820 The mathematicians will always regard it as... 551 00:30:17,820 --> 00:30:21,460 LAUGHTER 552 00:30:21,460 --> 00:30:23,700 It is still arithmetically uninteresting. 553 00:30:23,700 --> 00:30:27,180 But it has become culturally interesting. That's the difference. 554 00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:30,180 On that bombshell, let's move on. 555 00:30:30,180 --> 00:30:34,780 Now for something terribly important. Why did the MoD 556 00:30:34,780 --> 00:30:36,900 want the PM to join the AA? 557 00:30:36,900 --> 00:30:43,260 - This present David Cameron PM, or any? - No, the Prime Minister at the time was Harold Macmillan. 558 00:30:43,260 --> 00:30:47,660 Did the MoD want the country to become part of the Temperance movement? 559 00:30:47,660 --> 00:30:50,300 No, it's not that AA. 560 00:30:50,300 --> 00:30:53,980 - The Automobile Association. - Exactly, that AA. 561 00:30:53,980 --> 00:30:57,380 - Really? - Yes. So Harold Macmillan was Prime Minister. 562 00:30:57,380 --> 00:31:00,420 - What was going on in the world then? - The Cold War. 563 00:31:00,420 --> 00:31:04,340 The Cold War was at its height, and they knew Kennedy had this system - 564 00:31:04,340 --> 00:31:10,100 wherever he was, he could retaliate if the Soviets sent missiles. And they wanted a similar system. 565 00:31:10,100 --> 00:31:11,980 SANDI LAUGHS 566 00:31:11,980 --> 00:31:17,060 There's Lord Mountbatten, who was the chief of staff at the time. 567 00:31:17,060 --> 00:31:20,260 And they said "We'd better have men with the Prime Minister 568 00:31:20,260 --> 00:31:23,900 "who have radios and things in case there's news of a Soviet attack." 569 00:31:23,900 --> 00:31:25,980 And they said "That's too expensive", 570 00:31:25,980 --> 00:31:31,620 and the Prime Minister said "I don't want people following me around. Let's use the system the AA use." 571 00:31:31,620 --> 00:31:35,940 The idea was that they would get a signal from the AA 572 00:31:35,940 --> 00:31:39,660 to the car if the Soviets launched a strike. 573 00:31:39,660 --> 00:31:42,820 That would mean the Prime Minister could then stop off 574 00:31:42,820 --> 00:31:46,740 at the nearest telephone and issue the order for a counter-strike. 575 00:31:46,740 --> 00:31:51,860 And there were some very exciting memos. This is very British. You'll like this very much. 576 00:31:51,860 --> 00:31:57,780 Brian Saunders, private secretary to the Minister, said "It will be necessary for someone to make 577 00:31:57,780 --> 00:32:02,100 "a daily or weekly call to the AA control station to check that they're in working order. 578 00:32:02,100 --> 00:32:05,300 "I understand that if an emergency arose 579 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:07,580 "while the Prime Minister was on the road, 580 00:32:07,580 --> 00:32:10,660 "the proposal is to use the radio to get him to a telephone. 581 00:32:10,660 --> 00:32:14,380 "Perhaps we should see that our drivers are provided with four pennies." 582 00:32:14,380 --> 00:32:17,020 They really thought it through. 583 00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:20,820 So that could stop you - "All right, we've got the signal. 584 00:32:20,820 --> 00:32:23,500 "There are bombs on the way from the Soviet Union." 585 00:32:23,500 --> 00:32:26,020 Stop off at a kiosk, and nobody's got any money. 586 00:32:26,020 --> 00:32:27,980 But they'd thought about that. But no. 587 00:32:27,980 --> 00:32:30,740 The Prime Minister's private secretary replied 588 00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:34,020 "Shortage of pennies should not present any difficulties 589 00:32:34,020 --> 00:32:37,020 "such as you envisage. In such cases, it's a simple matter 590 00:32:37,020 --> 00:32:40,700 "to have the cost of any telephone call transferred by dialling 100 591 00:32:40,700 --> 00:32:43,060 "and requesting reversal of the charge." 592 00:32:45,700 --> 00:32:50,460 This is all true. "This doesn't take any appreciable extra time. The system works in both normal 593 00:32:50,460 --> 00:32:53,060 "and STD telephone kiosks, 594 00:32:53,060 --> 00:32:55,940 "and our drivers are well aware of it." 595 00:32:55,940 --> 00:32:57,740 So we were safe all the time. 596 00:32:57,740 --> 00:33:00,660 If there was a missile, we'd have got a message, said "Look, 597 00:33:00,660 --> 00:33:03,820 "there's a red kiosk", he'd have stopped, got in 598 00:33:03,820 --> 00:33:06,060 and called up the operator and said 599 00:33:06,060 --> 00:33:11,020 "I want to call the Ministry of Defence armed bunker. 600 00:33:11,020 --> 00:33:14,300 "Could you reverse the charges?" 601 00:33:14,300 --> 00:33:18,220 "It's the Prime Minister here." "Get off the line!" 602 00:33:18,220 --> 00:33:22,500 Doen't he look marvellous, the AA? Have I misremembered this - 603 00:33:22,500 --> 00:33:26,260 - Didn't they used to salute if you were a member as you drove past? - That's right. 604 00:33:26,260 --> 00:33:31,260 - We should have that back again. - They'd be veering off the road. 605 00:33:31,260 --> 00:33:36,060 They have our security at heart, because Bligh considered buying full membership 606 00:33:36,060 --> 00:33:41,180 of the RAC as well, just in case. They really lashed out. 607 00:33:41,180 --> 00:33:44,020 But they discovered after the Cuban missile crisis 608 00:33:44,020 --> 00:33:46,940 that they didn't have any protocols in place 609 00:33:46,940 --> 00:33:49,100 for firing our nuclear weapons, 610 00:33:49,100 --> 00:33:52,140 which is how they ended up with this thing 611 00:33:52,140 --> 00:33:54,220 where when you become Prime Minister, 612 00:33:54,220 --> 00:33:57,140 you sit down and write a letter to the Trident captains 613 00:33:57,140 --> 00:33:59,100 that's then sent to the submarine. 614 00:33:59,100 --> 00:34:01,260 And when the captain gets the letter, 615 00:34:01,260 --> 00:34:04,220 he burns the old letter that's in the submarine safe 616 00:34:04,220 --> 00:34:06,620 - and replaces it with the new one. - Really? 617 00:34:06,620 --> 00:34:10,220 Yeah, and apparently when you become Prime Minister, 618 00:34:10,220 --> 00:34:13,060 you're sat down and told there are four possible options 619 00:34:13,060 --> 00:34:15,060 of what you can tell the captain. 620 00:34:15,060 --> 00:34:18,460 One is to nuke Moscow. The other one is to surrender. 621 00:34:18,460 --> 00:34:21,180 The other one is to go to America and hand yourself over 622 00:34:21,180 --> 00:34:23,220 and the other one's to go to Sydney. 623 00:34:23,220 --> 00:34:25,980 And no-one knows what they write in the letters, 624 00:34:25,980 --> 00:34:30,060 and the letters are then destroyed when the government changes hands. 625 00:34:30,060 --> 00:34:34,780 So a decision is made years before, when they arrive? 626 00:34:34,780 --> 00:34:37,460 They can change their minds and write another one. 627 00:34:37,460 --> 00:34:40,460 But surely they should change their mind 628 00:34:40,460 --> 00:34:43,140 as the situation unfolds at the time? 629 00:34:43,140 --> 00:34:45,980 It's to do with the Today programme as well. 630 00:34:45,980 --> 00:34:48,820 They come up at 6 o'clock in the morning GMT, 631 00:34:48,820 --> 00:34:53,300 and if the Today programme's not on on long wave, they assume the worst 632 00:34:53,300 --> 00:34:56,060 - and open the safe. - So would I. - Good Lord. 633 00:34:56,060 --> 00:35:00,060 If John Humphrys wasn't there, I wouldn't know what to do. 634 00:35:00,060 --> 00:35:03,180 I hope they remember there's no Today programme on Sundays. 635 00:35:03,180 --> 00:35:06,980 I'm sure they've thought about that. 636 00:35:06,980 --> 00:35:12,580 What if the war started in Sydney and...? 637 00:35:12,580 --> 00:35:15,740 One of the options is also "You make your mind up." 638 00:35:15,740 --> 00:35:19,300 I bet all the captains have peeked at the letter. 639 00:35:19,300 --> 00:35:23,420 Steamed it open with a kettle. "Ooh." 640 00:35:23,420 --> 00:35:25,140 "He signed it Dave!" 641 00:35:27,420 --> 00:35:31,700 "And he admits he doesn't know what the Big Society means himself." 642 00:35:31,700 --> 00:35:35,300 Anyway, now it's time to include all of our incompetencies 643 00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:39,020 into one easily managed inquiry that we call General Ignorance. 644 00:35:39,020 --> 00:35:44,460 Fingers on buzzers. What does the eye represent in the US dollar? 645 00:35:44,460 --> 00:35:45,820 MEN CHANT 646 00:35:45,820 --> 00:35:47,420 - Yes, Al? - Freemasonry? 647 00:35:47,420 --> 00:35:48,500 KLAXON 648 00:35:48,500 --> 00:35:52,500 - Oh, you fell into our trap. - I knew it. 649 00:35:52,500 --> 00:35:55,380 In fact, the eye was used as a symbol in freemasonry 650 00:35:55,380 --> 00:35:57,460 after the design of the dollar. 651 00:35:57,460 --> 00:36:02,740 It's just an all-seeing Providence, supposedly. It's just there to show... 652 00:36:02,740 --> 00:36:05,060 It's a bit trippy, though, isn't it? 653 00:36:05,060 --> 00:36:07,620 - It's a weird thing. - Benjamin Franklin was a Mason. 654 00:36:07,620 --> 00:36:11,300 He was the only Mason on the design committee of the dollar bill, 655 00:36:11,300 --> 00:36:15,380 but he wasn't on the final committee and the eye was not used 656 00:36:15,380 --> 00:36:18,820 - as a Masonic symbol until after. - A committee designed that? - Yes. 657 00:36:18,820 --> 00:36:22,100 Remarkable that you'd get that passed by a committee 658 00:36:22,100 --> 00:36:25,060 and they'd go "Yeah, why don't we stick a..." 659 00:36:25,060 --> 00:36:29,940 - A floating eye. - "A floating, freaky, disembodied eye, we all like that?" 660 00:36:29,940 --> 00:36:34,500 - "Yeah, great idea! Let's do that." - "I still want the cock and balls." 661 00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:35,820 LAUGHTER 662 00:36:37,940 --> 00:36:42,180 "Sure we don't just want a natural scene, like a river or something normal?" 663 00:36:42,180 --> 00:36:44,420 "No, a floating eye. A floating, 664 00:36:44,420 --> 00:36:49,700 "disembodied, all-seeing eye above a pyramid. What could be more American than that?" 665 00:36:49,700 --> 00:36:53,900 - "OK." - The extraordinary thing is that it hasn't changed. 666 00:36:53,900 --> 00:36:57,900 Ours changes all the time. And there's that old quiz question - 667 00:36:57,900 --> 00:37:02,220 is it 100,000 acres, a million acres or 10 million acres of woodland 668 00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:06,060 that is chopped down every year for making American currency notes? 669 00:37:06,060 --> 00:37:09,660 They're not made of paper, probably. 670 00:37:09,660 --> 00:37:12,100 No, they're made of linen. So no trees. 671 00:37:12,100 --> 00:37:14,540 What were the inhabitants of Mexico 672 00:37:14,540 --> 00:37:16,620 called before the Europeans arrived? 673 00:37:16,620 --> 00:37:19,500 - I'm going to say Aztecs. - Oh! 674 00:37:19,500 --> 00:37:21,060 KLAXON BLARES 675 00:37:23,060 --> 00:37:25,020 - No. - Mexicans? 676 00:37:25,020 --> 00:37:28,660 Basically, Mexica, yeah. Aztec was the reference to an island 677 00:37:28,660 --> 00:37:35,180 in the middle of the lake from which they traced their source, but they didn't call themselves Aztecs. 678 00:37:35,180 --> 00:37:37,780 - It looks like a fantastic place. - It looks great. 679 00:37:37,780 --> 00:37:41,180 Imagine how excited the Spanish were that they'd conquered it 680 00:37:41,180 --> 00:37:43,860 and killed all its people and stolen all its gold. 681 00:37:43,860 --> 00:37:47,700 It's a massive selection of Mexican transgender people. 682 00:37:49,340 --> 00:37:52,860 They are a Nahua people, and their language is Nahuatl. 683 00:37:52,860 --> 00:37:56,420 And there are words in English that are derived from Nahuatl. 684 00:37:56,420 --> 00:37:59,740 Points are available if you can give me some Nahuatl words we use. 685 00:37:59,740 --> 00:38:02,700 - Chocolate. - Chocolate is one. Very good. 686 00:38:02,700 --> 00:38:04,460 I've run out. 687 00:38:04,460 --> 00:38:06,420 Burrito? 688 00:38:06,420 --> 00:38:07,860 Burrito! 689 00:38:11,260 --> 00:38:14,060 Burrito is Spanish for "little donkey", 690 00:38:14,060 --> 00:38:18,740 because it's in the shape of a little donkey. Your breakfast burrito. It's not that. 691 00:38:18,740 --> 00:38:23,660 - Guacamole? - I don't think so. I think that's also Spanish. 692 00:38:23,660 --> 00:38:25,740 Refried beans? 693 00:38:25,740 --> 00:38:27,380 Tequila? 694 00:38:27,380 --> 00:38:31,460 - I'll give you tequila. - Really? - Tequila is a Nahuatl word. 695 00:38:31,460 --> 00:38:34,780 You got that by a process of elimination. 696 00:38:34,780 --> 00:38:38,580 That is not knowledge, that's a crapshoot. 697 00:38:39,660 --> 00:38:40,940 Welcome to QI. 698 00:38:42,420 --> 00:38:43,900 You could have tomato. 699 00:38:43,900 --> 00:38:48,740 - Tomato! - Very good. - Tequila. 700 00:38:48,740 --> 00:38:52,980 We've already had tequila. But I haven't yet heard avocado. 701 00:38:52,980 --> 00:38:54,300 I said avocado. 702 00:38:54,300 --> 00:38:58,180 - Oh, then you get the avocado points. - Avocado. 703 00:38:59,580 --> 00:39:03,980 Breaking news just coming in. Guacamole is a Nahuatl word! 704 00:39:03,980 --> 00:39:06,060 Oh! 705 00:39:07,220 --> 00:39:10,780 - Guacamole. - Yeah. Yes, indeed. 706 00:39:10,780 --> 00:39:12,620 Sex and drugs and guacamole. 707 00:39:12,620 --> 00:39:18,420 Do you not think it sounds like Toad of Toad Hall's Mexican cousin? 708 00:39:18,420 --> 00:39:24,420 Guacamole. Guacamole's coming over. Ai, ai, ai! Arriba! 709 00:39:24,420 --> 00:39:29,340 You could have had chilli as well. Anyway, there we are. 710 00:39:29,340 --> 00:39:31,340 What did Prince Albert invent? 711 00:39:31,340 --> 00:39:33,980 - Oh, the cock ring. - Oh! 712 00:39:33,980 --> 00:39:35,700 KLAXON BLARES 713 00:39:39,380 --> 00:39:41,660 - Yeah? - The comb-over. 714 00:39:44,460 --> 00:39:48,140 Bizarrely, there was something he did invent, which is not 715 00:39:48,140 --> 00:39:50,180 quite as intimate as the item 716 00:39:50,180 --> 00:39:54,700 - of piercing jewellery that you referred to. - A cutlass? - No. 717 00:39:54,700 --> 00:39:58,500 He and Victoria were very young when they married, 20-years-old. 718 00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:02,260 And she was very nervous. She wrote a diary, as you may know. 719 00:40:02,260 --> 00:40:07,980 And it was quite an intimate diary, and she described the wedding night - not the full, physical details, 720 00:40:07,980 --> 00:40:12,180 but she described the experience as, "both gratifying and bewildering." 721 00:40:12,180 --> 00:40:14,100 Isn't that rather wonderful? 722 00:40:14,100 --> 00:40:16,340 We've all been there... LAUGHTER 723 00:40:16,340 --> 00:40:19,260 So anyway - they enjoyed enough to have nine children, 724 00:40:19,260 --> 00:40:22,340 and what he invented was a device that allowed them 725 00:40:22,340 --> 00:40:24,740 to lock the bedroom door from the bed. 726 00:40:25,980 --> 00:40:29,260 To give them marital privacy. Isn't that rather splendid? 727 00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:31,140 Dude! 728 00:40:31,140 --> 00:40:34,460 Yeah... LAUGHTER 729 00:40:34,460 --> 00:40:37,100 Excuse me while I just... Fsst! 730 00:40:38,740 --> 00:40:43,500 But he wore very tight trousers, and this myth grew up in the 20th century 731 00:40:43,500 --> 00:40:47,140 that he somehow anchored his penis to one side of his body or another 732 00:40:47,140 --> 00:40:50,300 by means of some sort of ring that was therefore able to 733 00:40:50,300 --> 00:40:52,420 pull it backwards so that it wasn't on show 734 00:40:52,420 --> 00:40:54,340 at parties, because he was a Victorian 735 00:40:54,340 --> 00:40:58,860 and it would have been rude wearing such tight trousers. But there is no evidence for this. 736 00:40:58,860 --> 00:41:00,500 What noise does a mute swan make? 737 00:41:00,500 --> 00:41:05,740 - And you're allowed to do an imitation, if you like. - 'Allo. 738 00:41:05,740 --> 00:41:08,100 LAUGHTER 739 00:41:08,100 --> 00:41:09,540 I could break your arm. 740 00:41:09,540 --> 00:41:13,900 LAUGHTER 741 00:41:13,900 --> 00:41:15,900 Does that, doesn't it? 742 00:41:15,900 --> 00:41:18,180 HE MOUTHS KLAXON BLARES 743 00:41:18,180 --> 00:41:19,500 Oh! Dear, oh dear, oh dear. 744 00:41:19,500 --> 00:41:24,220 Well, you'd think being called a mute swan... I'm afraid again you've fallen into our trap. 745 00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:26,220 They hoot, don't they, like a goose? 746 00:41:26,220 --> 00:41:28,380 There's a range of noises that swans make - 747 00:41:28,380 --> 00:41:30,820 hissing, snorting, grunting and indeed honking. 748 00:41:30,820 --> 00:41:33,140 They do all those noises. 749 00:41:33,140 --> 00:41:36,540 They just do it more quietly than other species of swan 750 00:41:36,540 --> 00:41:38,900 and therefore they were called the mute swan. 751 00:41:38,900 --> 00:41:40,980 They make a very loud noise when they fly. 752 00:41:40,980 --> 00:41:45,340 They're the heaviest bird that flies, in all nature. 753 00:41:45,340 --> 00:41:49,260 They're rubbish landers, though, they are. 754 00:41:49,260 --> 00:41:52,220 They come in, and the feet are going like this. 755 00:41:52,220 --> 00:41:55,940 - That's my swan impersonation, landing on the Thames. - Very good. 756 00:41:55,940 --> 00:41:58,020 LAUGHTER 757 00:41:58,020 --> 00:42:00,940 Which brings us nicely to the swansong of the scores 758 00:42:00,940 --> 00:42:04,140 and what remarkable reading they make too, ladies and gentlemen. 759 00:42:04,140 --> 00:42:08,220 In first place with a majestic plus 11, Sandi Toksvig. 760 00:42:08,220 --> 00:42:11,340 APPLAUSE 761 00:42:13,540 --> 00:42:18,060 And in a very creditable second place, with plus six, Dara O'Briain. 762 00:42:18,060 --> 00:42:20,660 APPLAUSE 763 00:42:22,700 --> 00:42:28,420 And first time up, Al Murray can hardly be ashamed of minus 13. 764 00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:30,940 APPLAUSE 765 00:42:33,300 --> 00:42:37,100 And Alan is all too used to bringing up the rear with minus 22. 766 00:42:37,100 --> 00:42:39,900 APPLAUSE 767 00:42:45,060 --> 00:42:49,140 All that's left for me to do is to thank Sandi, Dara, Al and of course, Alan, 768 00:42:49,140 --> 00:42:53,060 and I leave you with this piece of sound financial advice from Will Rogers: 769 00:42:53,060 --> 00:42:55,820 "A fool and his money are soon elected." 770 00:42:55,820 --> 00:42:57,180 Good night. 771 00:42:57,180 --> 00:42:59,340 APPLAUSE 772 00:43:13,580 --> 00:43:16,620 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 773 00:43:16,620 --> 00:43:19,660 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net