1 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:29,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:32,600 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,320 and welcome to QI. 4 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,600 Tonight, we're all going to be pretty infantile. 5 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:42,560 Playing mummies and daddies tonight are Daddy Cool, Dave Gorman. 6 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,600 Yummy Mummy, Ronni Ancona. 8 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,680 Happy Pappy, Lee Mack. 10 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:59,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. 11 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:03,040 And the curse of the mummy's tomb, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:11,160 So, erm, why don't you give me a ring some time? Dave goes... 14 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,440 PHONE RINGS 15 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:17,040 Ronni goes... CONTINUOUS RING 16 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:21,680 Lee goes... ENGAGED TONE 17 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:25,200 - And Alan goes... - "For sales enquiries, press one. 18 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,120 "For service, press two. 19 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,760 "For two hours of irritating music, press three. 20 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:33,360 "For more options, press four. For fewer options, press five. 21 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,360 "Or to speak to one of our operatives, emigrate to Mumbai." 22 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:41,200 LAUGHTER Thank you, Alan. And don't forget your Nobody Knows joker. 23 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,560 FANFARE 'Nobody knows!' 24 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:47,800 Yes, there may be a question tonight to which the true answer is that nobody knows 25 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:53,040 and if you play your Nobody Knows joker, you get extra points. Your ignorance might indeed be bliss. 26 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,760 So here's an intimate question to start with. 27 00:01:55,760 --> 00:02:00,680 What did the Pope's father say to the baker's daughter? 28 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,280 Who is the current Pope? 29 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:07,320 - He's German, is he? - Ratzenberger. - Ratzinger. 30 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:11,920 He was born in Germany, he's a German Pope. 31 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:17,160 - There he is. That's him on the right with those killer eyes that he still has. - Some would say the far right. 32 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,960 Yes! Some would! LAUGHTER 33 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,840 And his father, too, was called Joseph, 34 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,760 so Joseph Ratzinger Senior married a baker's daughter. 35 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:31,360 That's the mother in the middle. The question is, how did they meet? 36 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,840 - On the interweb. - Yes. It was the equivalent... 37 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:39,880 - Speed dating. They were speed dating. - Before the interweb and speed dating, there were... 38 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:42,000 - Singles adverts. - Singles ads. 39 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:48,200 - Would like to meet... Good sense of humour... - Absolutely! This is what the Pope's father, Joseph Ratzinger, 40 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,160 who was a Bavarian policeman, wrote. 41 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:55,440 "Middle-ranking civil servant. Single. Catholic." That's a relief. 42 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,680 "43. Immaculate past. 43 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,200 "From the country. Is looking for a good, Catholic, pure girl 44 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,720 "who can cook well, tackle all household chores, 45 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,080 "with a talent for sewing and homemaking 46 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,520 "with a view to marriage as soon as possible." 47 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,240 He added, "Fortune desirable but not a precondition." 48 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,760 LAUGHTER 49 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:19,880 He was 43, she was 36. She was called Maria Peintner. 50 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,760 They met up at a coffee house and were married four months later. 51 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,520 - Life was simple then, wasn't it? - Life was simple then. 52 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:30,600 - Not so much a singles ad, but more a job. - Yes! - Basically. LAUGHTER 53 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:35,560 It would be great if the Pope actually had an entry himself in a lonely hearts column, 54 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:40,040 because it would be something like, "Single guy, likes to wear a dress, 55 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:43,120 "drives a slow forklift truck." LAUGHTER 56 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,400 "Expects you to kiss his ring." 57 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,400 LAUGHTER 58 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:52,240 EYTKHR. 59 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,680 - That would be it, wouldn't it? - Because they've got abbreviations. 60 00:03:55,680 --> 00:04:00,480 - Haven't they got three-letter... - I have a list of abbreviations to test you on 61 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,240 to see how much you use these singles and wanted ads 62 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,360 and Craigslist and similar. 63 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,560 So D/D, what would that be? 64 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,760 Divorced deviant? 65 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,440 LAUGHTER - Nice idea. - Divorced... 66 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,600 Does it stand for large breasts? LAUGHTER 67 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,520 That may be perhaps quite... Oh, I see, double D. 68 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,040 LAUGHTER We haven't got all night, Stephen. 69 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,200 LAUGHTER Not quite my area of expertise, but I do understand. 70 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,760 LAUGHTER 71 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,960 - Drunk and disorderly. - No, it actually means drug and disease free. 72 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,480 - Does it? - Yes. In the code of these things. 73 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:42,400 If you feel it necessary to put that, that's just going to raise suspicions. 74 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,440 LAUGHTER 75 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,800 - NK. - No knickers? - Massive knockers. 76 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,480 LAUGHTER Sorry, that's M. 77 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:54,440 - Nassive knockers. - NK? - Yeah, it's no kids. 78 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,520 WE? 79 00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:00,760 - Weekends. - That would be nice, but I'm afraid it's a little bit more physical. 80 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,920 - Well-endowed. - Yes! LAUGHTER 81 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:07,560 Why would you write that? APPLAUSE 82 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:11,720 You'd just put that, wouldn't you? Just put "well-endowed" and the box number. 83 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,160 LAUGHTER 84 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:19,280 Possibly. ALAWP might be the thing to do with WE. 85 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:22,440 - A large and wavy penis. - All letters answered... 86 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,080 LAUGHTER All letters answered! Sorry. 87 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:29,000 ALAWP, all letters answered with... 88 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,480 A penis. LAUGHTER 89 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:36,880 - Photo! - Photo! - Oh, sorry, photo. - Dave is earning points. 90 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:40,520 - You know an awful lot about lonely hearts columns! - IPT? 91 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:44,360 So you might get, for instance, IPT BBW. 92 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,640 - Big breasted woman. - Oh, so you know BBW! Very good! 93 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:52,240 LAUGHTER - Very good! Is partial to. - Right. 94 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,840 - IPT BBW. Is partial to.. - I don't know if this is going to help me or not, 95 00:05:55,840 --> 00:06:00,600 but some of these acronyms are shared by the world of pornography. LAUGHTER 96 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:04,640 So take your pick as to how I know them. It's either from lonely hearts or porn. 97 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:09,880 - That's right, yeah. - Which would you rather we assume... - I'm going to leave you guessing, Ronni. 98 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:16,840 So what would be WE SHM WLTM BBW for NSA fun? 99 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,360 - Does that stand... - No strings attached fun. - Very good, Dave. 100 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,080 - NSA is... - A big breasted woman. - Yes. So WE... 101 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:29,160 - Well-endowed. - SHM. H is an ethnic type in American in particular. 102 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:33,560 - Hispanic. - Brilliant. So well-endowed single Hispanic male... 103 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,520 - WLTM. - Would like to meet. 104 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:40,160 - BBW. - Big breasted woman. - Big blue whale. - For NSA fun. 105 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,840 LAUGHTER For no-strings attached fun. 106 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:47,320 - Exactly. - Which is when you're into puppetry, but of the glove-puppet variety, not... 107 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,800 LAUGHTER - Exactly! That's a sweet way of looking at it. - Absolutely. 108 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:55,080 Presumably, you would charge by the letter in newspapers, so that's why... 109 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,560 - To save money? - Yes. But you don't need that on the internet. 110 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,600 You could say, "I have an enormous dong". LAUGHTER 111 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:05,920 - You don't have to go WE, do you? - But tiny testicles. 112 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:09,560 LAUGHTER 113 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:15,880 - BTT. - In fact, it's actually an average-size dong, but the testicles make it look enormous. 114 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:19,400 LAUGHTER It's a trick of the light! 115 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,360 They're like ball bearings. LAUGHTER 116 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:26,320 It's only the top of the show. LAUGHTER 117 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:31,200 Let's try to swim for the surface before we hit the depths. Yeah. 118 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,680 Man gasping for air seeks BBW. LAUGHTER 119 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,480 There used to be, in San Francisco in the late 70s, 120 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,280 - there was a handkerchief code in the gay community. - I've heard about this. 121 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:48,480 - Yeah. The yellow one? - It was also which back pocket it was in. If it was left, passive. 122 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:53,200 - If it was right, it was active. - What did it mean if you tied four knots and put in on your head? 123 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,680 That meant you were a homosexual from up north. LAUGHTER 124 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,720 You're from Blackpool, from the Golden Mile. 125 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,600 No, if you had yellow in your back left pocket, 126 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:07,840 - you liked being peed on. - What does it mean if you wear a yellow thing round your neck hanging down? 127 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,680 LAUGHTER 128 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:13,320 APPLAUSE 129 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,160 I like the idea of someone going to a club 130 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:22,320 and he's got the yellow hankie, and everyone else thinks, "Urgh! Weirdo!" 131 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:27,560 LAUGHTER I like the idea of a group of Morris dancers going to San Francisco. 132 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:32,480 Sending off very mixed signals wherever they go. LAUGHTER 133 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:37,320 Honestly, in the 70s, there used to be cards. You'd go in a shop in Castro in San Francisco 134 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:41,760 and there'd be little laminated cards telling you the code so you didn't make a mistake. 135 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:45,320 They'd have to be laminated. LAUGHTER 136 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:53,560 All right, I don't know how this conversation's gone in this direction. 137 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:56,760 Anyway, the Pope's parents met through a lonely hearts ad. 138 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:03,480 What did the Viceroy of India's daughter like doing with flipperty flop and jumpkins? 139 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:08,160 - Is this... - If they're not rabbits... LAUGHTER ..then something's amiss. 140 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:12,240 Yes, they do sound like rabbits, don't they? Flipperty flop and Jumpkins. 141 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,280 - Are they body parts? - They're not body parts. 142 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,960 - Who are we talking about? - The daughter of one of the Viceroys of India. 143 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:23,600 In the Days of the Raj, a man would be appointed viceroy, vice-king of India. 144 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:28,720 The last one was Lord Mountbatten before the independence of India. 145 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:33,240 This man was Lord Lytton and his daughter Emily was an extraordinary Victorian figure. 146 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:37,040 And she eventually ended up marrying Lutyens, the architect. 147 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:41,560 He designed most of New Delhi, the huge pink palaces of New Delhi were Lutyens. 148 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:46,760 That's him there as an older man and that's Emily Lytton. 149 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,240 He looks like she's just told him a really dirty joke. LAUGHTER 150 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:55,120 This flipperty flop and jumpkins, she had an evening playing flipperty flop and jumpkins 151 00:09:55,120 --> 00:10:00,760 and I'm going to ask Ronni to read out how she describes the evening of flipperty flop and jumpkins. 152 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:05,440 "I assure you no words can picture either the intense excitement or the noise. 153 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,200 - "I always scream in describing it." - SHE LAUGHS 154 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,560 LAUGHTER She could be in the room. There you are. 155 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,880 This was a description of when she was 17 years old. 156 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:20,080 She played this game, alternately known as flipperty flop or jumpkins, and has a much better name. 157 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:24,080 - BOTH: Tiddlywinks. - Yes! - That was weird. - You said it at the same time! 158 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,480 Absolutely brilliant! And I will give you each a little cup. 159 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,800 It was originally called tiddledy-winks. 160 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:35,680 For some reason, the second D got dropped, so tiddlywinks. Try hitting it into the target. 161 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,560 So we have to try and get it in the hole. 162 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,640 You have the big one and the little one is called the wink. 163 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:44,280 - Is this called the squidger? - I think I went too hard. 164 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:49,080 - Surely if that's the wink, this must be the tiddly. - You'd think so. 165 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,840 I do give a point to you for knowing it's called the squidger. 166 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,520 - Off the lip! - It's meant to be yellow and green versus red and blue. 167 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:02,560 - And they do have lots of different... There's a squop. - Yes. - And a boondock. 168 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:09,480 And my favourite move, there is a move in the official language of tiddlywinks, the Good move. 169 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:13,800 - Right. - And it's not called that because it's a good move, it's named after John Good. 170 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:18,840 - Oh, how wonderful! - So it's named for him. - The squop is one of the most basic things. What is a squop? 171 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:23,320 A squop is where you're trying to tiddle your wink so it lands on top of somebody else's. 172 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,840 Exactly. And if your wink... LAUGHTER 173 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,800 I can see why you're using those lonely hearts columns now. 174 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 175 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:38,160 - How do you get the lift? - You get the lift, to be honest... 176 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,080 - Oh! - Oh, God! LAUGHTER 177 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:45,480 - You have to play on felt and then it works beautifully. - Then you've got some purchase. 178 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:51,200 - Yeah. - This is my ideal gig, where I come on QI but I don't have to talk, I just have to play tiddlywinks. 179 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,680 - Oh! - This is bullshit! LAUGHTER 180 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:58,160 - You can't get the lift! - I had plenty of lift there. You've ruined it. 181 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,840 The Good move is named after John Good. 182 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:05,760 Do you know what a page ranking is? This is similar. You know, in Google terms, a page ranking. 183 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:09,120 - Absolutely, yes. - Do you know why it's called a page ranking? - Yes! 184 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 185 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:20,760 - So... - I honestly thought you knew the answer to Dave's question. 186 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,200 Finally, I've got one! I know why! 187 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:27,400 Are you telling me that a page ranking is not because it's a webpage? 188 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,520 It's named after Larry Page, one of the founders of Google. 189 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:34,720 I'm going to hand out some more toys so there's even more fun to be had. 190 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:38,520 - Quoits. - I ought to tell you, the winner gets the teddy bear. 191 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,120 - Well, fluffy toy. - You've got to be joking. 192 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:45,400 LAUGHTER - Wow, you've really raised the stakes! - You will get the fluffy toy. 193 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,760 - We'll start with Dave. - OK. - OK. Good luck. 194 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,920 ALL: Ohh! 195 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,480 - ALL: Ohh! - It's like being at the fairground. - Ronni, come on! 196 00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,920 I've just got a bit of dirt in my pocket. 197 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,040 Let's have a read. 198 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,680 LAUGHTER 199 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,880 LAUGHTER Oh, the tension! 200 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,120 - Ohh! - Did you see that? 201 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,840 - I saw it! - It nearly went over! Did you see that? 202 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,400 - I saw it. - I was there! LAUGHTER 203 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,000 - He'll be unbearable. - It's all right, he's already unbearable. 204 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,320 LAUGHTER I was only joking, I've got my own dirty mags in the dressing room. 205 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,080 LAUGHTER - Don't let him get it! - Watch out for the bloke! 206 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,920 LAUGHTER 207 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,280 CHEERING 208 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,440 In the net! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 209 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:49,240 - And you get the fluffy toy! - Oh, no! 210 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,160 - And here it is. - Oh, it's like the fairground. - Yeah. 211 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,000 - It's like the fairground. - I never said it'd be that one. 212 00:13:55,000 --> 00:14:02,400 - I never said... No, no. - Anything off the bottom, anything off the bottom. LAUGHTER 213 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,440 - If Lee was a nice man, he'd give that to you, Ronni. - That's true, I would. 214 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:11,960 LAUGHTER - Congratulations, Lee. - Thank you very much. - A bullseye. 25. 215 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,880 OK, why, oh, why, oh, why did they ban rifle ranges 216 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,760 inside pubs in Birmingham? 217 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,720 LAUGHTER Yes? 218 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,080 - Was it, er, common sense? LAUGHTER - You'd think so, but no. 219 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:32,240 - Price of ammunition. - No. We're talking about the early 20th century 220 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:37,240 when it suddenly became very important to have soldiers who were good at firing rifles. Why? 221 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:43,320 - Cos of the war. - The Boer War, exactly. And so they started having rifle ranges in pubs. 222 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:47,840 - Adds a new dimension to getting a round in. - It certainly does! 223 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:53,480 And Birmingham was the very centre of the world's gun-making, BSA and other such rifle companies, 224 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:57,440 and so all these pubs would have rifle ranges inside the pubs, 225 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:03,560 sometimes literally inside. You'd fire over the heads of customers at targets. But they banned it 226 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:07,920 - and I want to know the reason why. - Because there was an accidental death. - No. 227 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:12,760 No, the answer is not what you might say today, which is health and safety. 228 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,800 It was another more puritanical reason. 229 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:20,200 Either that picture's been mocked up or they are really casual, those diners. 230 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:24,840 There are still pubs with rifle ranges in them. In Devises and places like that 231 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:30,040 they still have pubs with rifle ranges. There's one. You pull away the centre part of the bucket 232 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,600 and there's a tunnel with a target at the end. 233 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:38,040 Somewhere in the world there's a giant dog with stitches in his neck looking for that. 234 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,800 With a very small neck. 235 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:45,880 - Cos people were gambling on it? - Yes, Dave Gorman. That's the weird thing about Britain then. 236 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:51,160 They didn't care about the fact that live rounds were being fired over people's heads, 237 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:56,680 - it was that it caused gambling. - Is that why they introduced the curtain over the score board? - Yes! 238 00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:01,200 LAUGHTER - To hide it. - It's like the British version of a speakeasy. 239 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:07,680 LAUGHTER - Nothing here. - A beautiful curtain it is, and immaculately measured. 240 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:11,920 LAUGHTER In one Worcester pub, until quite recently, you'd shoot from a bar 241 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:16,800 across a passageway and into an outhouse. And some teams still shoot in the open bar. 242 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:22,720 We've got Swindon, Devises, Newport, Hinckley, Nuneaton, Worcestershire still have pubs with rifle ranges. 243 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:26,880 - There you are. Isn't that quite interesting? - Very interesting. 244 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:32,120 Ah, that's more than we were hoping for. Otherwise it would be called VI. It's only quite interesting. 245 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:35,440 They did try to ban darts at one point cos of gambling, as well. 246 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:40,840 Cos it was deemed a game of chance. I think it was in Leeds. And it went to the magistrate 247 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:46,160 and the landlord of a pub who wanted to keep his dartboard brought in a local expert 248 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,560 and made him play and demonstrate that it was a game of skill. 249 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:54,520 The idea was you were just hitting the board like a fairground game and whatever you happened to hit 250 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,040 was your score and well done you, you were lucky. 251 00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:01,640 Then he came along and hit a few treble 20s when asked and they proved it was a game of skill. 252 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:06,440 Very good. There are lots of pub games, of course. I'm sure you've played pub games in your time. 253 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,880 - You may be familiar with some of them. - Too busy drinking. - Of course. 254 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,560 But see if you can explain the rules of milking cromock, 255 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:18,440 hanikin can'st abide it or laugh and lie downe. 256 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,520 Laugh and lie downe, that is a box full of rohypnol. 257 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:26,000 LAUGHTER Er, no. No. That's... 258 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,520 APPLAUSE 259 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:37,040 - Well, milking cromock, I would've thought that was a card game. - We know that laugh and lie downe 260 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,520 and hanikin can'st abide it are card games. 261 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,840 - Oh. So I managed to get the only one that isn't a card game. - Yes. 262 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,440 Possibly. Because the time has now passed. Oh, just in time! 263 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,760 Nobody knows is the answer. Nobody knows. 264 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,200 FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!' - Extra points for Dave. 265 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:58,560 The fact is, we only know these games exist because they're on lists of games that have been banned. 266 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:03,160 So there is statute that says it is illegal to play milking cromock, 267 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,840 hanikin can'st abide it or laugh and lie downe 268 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:09,960 and all you can do as a games historian is look at it and try and work out... 269 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:14,680 - But there is some evidence that those were card games. - I love the idea of a barman just going, 270 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,520 "Hey, are you playing milking cromock?" No. 271 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,080 LAUGHTER But there are some we do know... 272 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,120 LAUGHTER 273 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:28,560 Two blokes running round and probably just one cow going, "Mooo". LAUGHTER 274 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:33,080 There are dice and card games and dominos, but also games called guile bones, noddy board, 275 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:38,320 - penny prick, hide under hat. - Hide under hat, that'd be a great game. LAUGHTER 276 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,520 - I like it cos it's self-explanatory. - It is! 277 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:44,480 You need a massive hat or a small person. LAUGHTER 278 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:50,320 - Both, really. - Yeah. - In 1938, a priest wrote to the Times complaining that there was a pub 279 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:54,720 where they had on the billiard tables tortoise races with little toy jockeys on top. 280 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:59,240 LAUGHTER - It's the jockeys that makes it lovely, isn't it? - Yes, sweet. 281 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:04,320 - They could've used giant tortoises and real jockeys. - If only they had. That was in Weymouth. 282 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:07,440 - Competitive smoking was very popular. - Oh, come on! 283 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,560 LAUGHTER Seemingly. 284 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,480 - And... There you are. - He's a bit smug. 285 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,160 - Yeah. - He's the champion. - He blows smoke rings. - It still exists. 286 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,600 You now have to do it in an outside place or a smoking shelter. 287 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,280 - But who would win a smoking competition? - I guess the first person to finish the pipe. 288 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:28,760 - No, the last person to finish the pipe. It's keeping the pipe alight for longest. - Oh. 289 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:35,320 It's a real skill. It's how you pack the tobacco into the pipe and then how few puffs you take of it 290 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:39,520 - so you don't burn it down. - You're telling me this didn't become a televised sport? 291 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,440 I know, it's shocking, isn't it? Terribly exciting. 292 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,680 But it still exists, competitive smoking. 293 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,840 - Wow. - So there are other games we can think of. 294 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:53,960 There was an ancestor of darts you may be familiar with, a Belgian game, 295 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,200 Struifvogelspel. There is it. 296 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:01,080 You use a duck and the duck has the sharp beak. 297 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:06,160 It's rather weird. It's tied on the end of a line. It's peculiar. You swing the bird round on a cord 298 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:11,600 - until the beak gets stuck in the board. - That'd be a good thing for a murder in Midsomer Murders. 299 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:15,440 LAUGHTER - Actually, that would be brilliant. - That's a good plot there. 300 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:19,280 - Is that the dartboard? - Yeah, that's the back of it. You swing that round 301 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:23,720 - and wherever the beak lands is your score. - She doesn't want to play. He's making her. 302 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,800 LAUGHTER There was a distressing betting game in pubs called lark singing 303 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,240 which was very popular in Britain, but also on the continent. 304 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,960 The one whose lark stopped singing last won all the money. 305 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:40,080 There was the terrible belief that if you blinded the lark, it would sing more. 306 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:48,120 There was a campaign to stop the blinding of larks which was led by World War I blinded veterans. 307 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:52,080 - And some larks. - They knew that being blind wasn't a lark. 308 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:56,280 But that was unfortunately a popular sport. Humanity's often been very cruel. 309 00:20:56,280 --> 00:21:00,080 I don't know why this reminds me of it, but there was an old variety act 310 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,560 who used to have a dancing duck on his piano. 311 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:07,120 And he'd play the piano, an upright piano, and he'd play a tune and the duck would dance. 312 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:11,920 And they worked out he had a hotplate in the top of the piano and it was triggered by him playing. 313 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:16,000 - So when he started playing, it heated up and the duck would have to sort of... - Ohh. 314 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:20,120 - That is awful. - Yes. And there's a magician who's still working, I think, in Spain 315 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:27,040 who does a trick where there's a goldfish tank on top of a load of face-up cards 316 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:31,880 and he forces a card on you and then his goldfish selects your card by swimming to it. 317 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:36,960 And he's basically sewn a little magnet into the goldfish and he moves his knees under the table. 318 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:42,320 - Good lord! - Yeah, I know. The entertainment world is cruel with animals. - It is, isn't it? 319 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:46,840 Anyway, the fact is, the rules of milking cromock are lost forever, but it doesn't matter 320 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:52,240 because we're not allowed to play it anyway. The most popular entertainment venue in the world 321 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:58,080 used to be the Coney Island Amusement Park in New York. What was its longest-running attraction? 322 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:01,720 - Is it an elephant? - No. - The bearded woman? 323 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:06,120 - No. - There are lots of that kind of thing. - Was it a bearded elephant? - No. LAUGHTER 324 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:09,800 There was one particular woman who came to see this every week 325 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:13,640 - for all the 37 years it was on show. - Cliff Richard. - No. LAUGHTER 326 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,280 HE LAUGHS 327 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:20,880 - It was not what you might call usual entertainment. It's very... - Ah. Cliff Richard. - No. 328 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:22,840 LAUGHTER 329 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:27,040 I'm trying for a way of framing this to which Cliff Richard isn't the answer. 330 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:31,280 LAUGHTER It was a really peculiar, unlikely... No, that's not... 331 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:35,840 LAUGHTER This is not what you'd associate with entertainment. No... 332 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:41,520 - Barry Manilow. - What about, "It's something you go and see on your summer holiday"? No... - Ah! 333 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,760 LAUGHTER I'm just going to have to tell you. It was children in incubators. 334 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:50,640 The infant incubator with living infants. Premature children 335 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:54,080 were put in incubators, there they are, 336 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:58,000 and the public would come and see them, they'd pay a quarter, 25 cents. 337 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:02,080 Is there a grabbing hand? LAUGHTER 338 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,760 APPLAUSE 339 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,760 You are an evil man. 340 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:15,560 LAUGHTER It's Angelina Jolie pick 'n' mix. 341 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,600 LAUGHTER It does seem really weird to us. 342 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,720 But the fact is, it was a recent invention, it was invented in 1880, 343 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,400 and no hospitals had them in America. It was a French invention. 344 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:30,560 And the French inventor went round trying to persuade people they were a good idea 345 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:34,200 and this park thought, Coney Island, what a great thing to do. 346 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,280 We'll get all the premature babies that are born in New York, 347 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:41,560 we'll put them in incubators, people can come and look at them and watch them thrive. 348 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:46,880 - And they did thrive. - It's literally just warm air. - Yeah, it's a ventilated, sealed-off area. 349 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:53,360 It must have been laid open for abuse for pushy stage-school mothers 350 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:57,880 who were desperate to get their kids in. "Get into the incubator, Lorelei! 351 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:02,720 "Go on! Get into the incubator!" "But Mom, I'm 11." "So squidge up a little! 352 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:07,240 "If someone comes to look at you, do your shuffle three-step." LAUGHTER 353 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,920 If someone was seven months and their waters broke, 354 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,120 were they then driven to the funfair instead of the hospital? 355 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:18,040 - Yes, because the hospital didn't have any incubators. - Yeah. 356 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:23,000 It was only in 1940 when the New York City Hospital invested in incubators 357 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:27,600 that they kind of went out of business as an attraction. It seems utterly weird to us 358 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,240 but it was the longest-running attraction at Coney Island. 359 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:34,960 Anyway, staying with our infancy theme, here's a parenting poser. 360 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:40,040 Eleanor Roosevelt considered herself a very modern mother. Where did she keep her baby? 361 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,520 - In a drawer probably. LAUGHTER - It's almost as weird. 362 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,360 It was a fad in the 1930s. 363 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:51,720 - Was it permanently attached to one of those things? What are they called? Papoose. - No, no. 364 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:56,560 That'd be fairly normal. We'd consider this weird now. In New York, space is at a premium. 365 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:00,800 There's a limited amount of space in Manhattan, hence the skyscrapers and so on. 366 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,720 And where do you put your baby? Well, hang it out of the window in a cage. 367 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,040 LAUGHTER 368 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:13,200 The baby cage. It caught on for a while. 369 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:17,960 Was this the question that Michael Jackson was trying to answer? LAUGHTER 370 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:22,920 Probably. It is a bit disturbing. The baby cage. But there were 12 of them in Poplar in London. 371 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:26,680 They died out during the Blitz because they were obviously not suitable. 372 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:32,400 LAUGHTER Eleanor Roosevelt got severely criticised for it and got upset. 373 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:36,320 She recalled, "It was rather a shock for I thought I was being a modern mother." 374 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:41,280 You get extra points if you can tell me Eleanor Roosevelt's maiden name. Before she married FDR, 375 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:44,560 - she was Eleanor what? - BOTH: Rigby LAUGHTER 376 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,840 Both said at the same time. No, she wasn't. 377 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,880 - Roosevelt. - Yes! Well done! 378 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:56,040 - Oh! - She was Eleanor Roosevelt. Very good. APPLAUSE 379 00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:03,840 She was the niece of president Teddy Roosevelt, who was a fifth cousin of the man she married. 380 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:09,080 - So did she... - There was no incest involved, fifth cousin is a long way away, but an amazing coincidence. 381 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,760 Do you think she actually changed her name? 382 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,200 Seriously, do you think she said "I'm officially changing my name"? 383 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:19,240 Then you've not officially got the same name, you've got the same name, 384 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:24,200 but it's not the same as registering it as a changed name. Do you know what I mean? 385 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,480 - You should be a registrar. - I ask, "Do you know what I mean?" because I'm not sure I do. 386 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,200 - Do you see what I mean? - I sort of know what you mean. 387 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,800 She missed out... LAUGHTER 388 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:38,480 She missed out on the excitement... APPLAUSE 389 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:42,720 Nobody knows what you mean. She missed out on saying, "I'm trying out my new name." 390 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:46,560 She may have written her signature in a different way. 391 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:51,920 Now, describe the miraculous secret machinery that the Chamberlain family used 392 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:55,400 for delivering babies for 100 years. 393 00:26:55,400 --> 00:27:01,600 BUZZER Was it... What's that thing called that you suck a baby out with? 394 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:07,800 - What? - The ventouse. - The ventouse. Did they invent that? - No, that was after. 395 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:12,720 - Was it forceps? - Yes. - Because that's... - Yes, they invented the forceps. 396 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:18,360 And they realised how brilliant they were but they were terrified, this was in the 17th, 18th century, 397 00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:23,400 for 100 years, there was no patenting laws, so anybody could have copied it. 398 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:28,280 And so what they would do is go into a house with this huge box, covered in a cloth, 399 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:32,320 and say, "We've got our secret device here." They would blindfold the mother, 400 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:38,840 She was sat going, "One, two, three, four, five, coming!" LAUGHTER 401 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:44,160 No-one else was allowed in the room, and then they'd play all these sound effects to make it seem... 402 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:48,600 - Machinery? - ..like a piece of machinery, then they would get out, here's an early... 403 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:53,800 They're pretty disturbing but there they are. That's forceps. There they are. 404 00:27:53,800 --> 00:28:00,080 But for literally 100 years, they kept their secret by disguising this simple device. 405 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:04,680 They'd get them out and smirk at a barbeque, just turning things. LAUGHTER 406 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,080 Nobody knows. Nobody knows. 407 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:11,760 Now, epidurals. Do you know when the epidural was first devised? 408 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:14,960 - I would say...30s. - 1960. 409 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,720 He died in 1949, he was a man called August Bier. 410 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:23,280 And he first had this idea that if you put a painkiller into the spine itself, 411 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:26,360 then anything below the pain signals wouldn't get there. 412 00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:30,720 He tried it on an assistant. He injected his assistant's lower spine with cocaine, 413 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:35,720 - which is a topical anaesthetic. - She fell over, said "It worked, let's go". - It was a he. 414 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,120 Then they'd laugh and lie down. LAUGHTER 415 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:48,160 APPLAUSE - It could have been worse, they could have played Milking Cromock. - Yes. 416 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:52,760 He almost did. He made sure the area was numb by pulling the man's pubic hair, 417 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:58,800 - yanking his testicles... - And he said, "Hanikin can'st abide it!" LAUGHTER 418 00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:03,400 He hit him in the legs with a hammer and singed his thighs with a cigar. 419 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:09,560 - And sure enough, the assistant felt no pain. So that is how the epidural... - He never walked again. 420 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:13,200 LAUGHTER - A broken leg and terrible burns. - Somewhat bruised. 421 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:19,960 The first woman in history to have a baby under an aesthetic, which was chloroform, 422 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:25,040 she was so thrilled by the painlessness of the experience, she named her baby... 423 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:29,440 - Not chloroform. - Not chloroform, no. Anaesthesia. LAUGHTER 424 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:33,960 That's actually quite a nice name. It's like semolina or tapioca. 425 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:38,920 - Lil-Let. - It does sound like the most boring dinner party guest ever. 426 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:42,080 Anaesthesia's coming. Oh! LAUGHTER 427 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:45,200 Not again! Oh! 428 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:50,160 There were stories about this, it's hard to know how accurate, there were biblical objections 429 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:54,840 to the idea of chloroform being administered to women in childbirth. Do you know why? 430 00:29:54,840 --> 00:30:00,400 - Cos pain is good for them. - It's a very specific reference in the Bible. It's right at the beginning. 431 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:04,320 Do you remember Eve gets Adam into a bit of trouble by making him eat the fruit? 432 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:08,520 And God says, "Oh, you ate the fruit of the tree whereof I spake thou shouldst not." 433 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:14,000 - And to the woman he says... - You will marry Tom Cruise. LAUGHTER 434 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:19,920 No. Unto the woman he said, "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception. 435 00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:23,040 "In sorrow shalt thou bring forth children." 436 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:25,680 - Yes. - So it was as if God cursed women to have pain. 437 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:29,160 Some ultra-religious people felt that it was basically God's curse 438 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:32,320 and they should scream in agony while giving birth. 439 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:36,800 But then Queen Victoria had Prince Leopold when she had chloroform 440 00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:42,200 and then the habit caught on, and then the epidural and various other such things. 441 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:46,160 - I didn't know Victoria had a Prince Leopold. - She had nine children, I think. 442 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:49,720 They're all named after pubs. LAUGHTER 443 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:54,280 Da-ding-ting! Very nice. Excellent. 444 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:59,440 Here's another intimate little secret for you. How can you tell a French baby from a German baby? 445 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:03,440 BUZZER Yes, Veronica. 446 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:08,960 The German baby will have wrapped itself in a towel before the midwife has had a chance to fetch it. 447 00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,400 LAUGHTER 448 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:16,400 It's not often you can do the same joke twice in one show but is the German baby on the far right? 449 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:18,600 Hey! LAUGHTER 450 00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:22,600 - Is there a difference in cry? - Yes! - They have an accent? - Yes. 451 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:26,800 - No! - It's not an accent exactly, it's a melodic cadence. 452 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:30,400 In the womb, the baby is hearing its mother tongue, 453 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:34,720 and the different languages have different stresses and cadences and melodies, 454 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:39,720 and you can actually do tests in which someone will say, "That's a German baby, that's French" 455 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:42,360 just by its gurgle. It's heard the language. 456 00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,680 Not only that, they like their mother tongue. You show them videos 457 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:50,320 and there is someone speaking a language that isn't the one their mother and father speak, 458 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:55,400 and someone else speaking in their own mother tongue, and they will stare at the one that's theirs. 459 00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:58,960 Even if it's not their parents, they actually are drawn to it. 460 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:05,920 - So they pick up on the rhythms very early on. - Glaswegian babies go, "Get me out of that bloody cage!" 461 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:09,000 But it is fascinating that that early on, in the womb, 462 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:13,960 they pick up on the melodic cadences of their mother tongue. 463 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:18,280 - I think that's rather sweet. - Yeah, beautiful. - I think it's beautiful, too. 464 00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,360 How long do the best hugs last? 465 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:28,120 - 20 seconds. - That's a very long hug. I would get embarrassed and restless if someone hugged me for 20 seconds. 466 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:32,240 - Do you want me to test that? Shall we test that? - No! Please. 467 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:36,760 Oh, hello. Here we go. Aww! APPLAUSE 468 00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:42,280 That was lovely. 469 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,280 I'm on the clock. I'm on the clock. 470 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:50,480 - Yep. - I'm on the clock. - That was... Oh, God, this is too long. LAUGHTER 471 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:56,640 - This is too long. - Dave, did you turn on the clock? LAUGHTER 472 00:32:56,640 --> 00:33:01,920 - Lovely. That's got to be at least 20 seconds, that was embarrassing. - That was very uncomfortable. 473 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:06,720 - See if you can beat it! - Oh, God! LAUGHTER 474 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:10,360 APPLAUSE 475 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,520 Come on, Alan, come on. 476 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,440 APPLAUSE Heavens above! 477 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:28,840 - I've been waiting years to do this. - If you're all hugging, I'm playing tiddlywinks. Sod the lot of you! 478 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:35,280 Right. That was lovely. That was unusual. I wasn't expecting that response but it was charming. 479 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:40,120 - You're both wearing nice aftershave. - Do you want your watch back? LAUGHTER 480 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:43,840 - Did you like my aftershave? - I certainly did. 481 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:49,720 - Now, there have been tests, it seems weird... - Four or five seconds. 482 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:53,640 - Well, three seems to be the answer. - Three is the perfect time, you mean? 483 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:59,760 It seems to be that there is a kind of inbuilt human moment which is three seconds. 484 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:04,240 If it's less than three seconds, it really is a bit like, that wasn't really a proper hug. 485 00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:08,440 If it's one, two, three. That's nice. 486 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:13,280 It's just a rhythm that seems to be built into the human race. 487 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:17,280 The three second period is known as a moment. And it happens in a lot of what we do. 488 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:23,400 - Don't say it! - I just can't wait for my great aunt to come round and give me a hug. 489 00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:27,520 It's all very nice and I'll go, "That was four seconds, you bitch! LAUGHTER 490 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,080 "Next time you'll keep it tight or you don't come in." 491 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:34,840 What spoils hug is when the other person goes, "..and break." 492 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:39,840 LAUGHTER Yes. Well, have you heard of the five second rule? 493 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:41,880 - Food. - Yes, what is it? 494 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:47,000 It is where, if you drop food on the floor, it's OK to eat it if you pick it up within five seconds. 495 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:51,200 - Right, do you believe that? - No, it's nonsense. - It is complete nonsense. 496 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:56,640 It could be OK after five minutes. It just depends on whether the floor is contaminated. 497 00:34:56,640 --> 00:35:02,000 And human beings tend to, if you drop chocolate, or a biscuit, people will pick it up and eat it easily, 498 00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:07,960 but if it's broccoli or cabbage or something they go, "Oh..." LAUGHTER 499 00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:12,520 With a big splat like that, you just think, "Oh, I probably won't worry." 500 00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:17,000 - Do you eat food off the floor, presumably? - As a rule, I do! LAUGHTER 501 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,560 - Oh, yes! - Is this what you do at speed dating? LAUGHTER 502 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:25,560 Do you eat food off the floor? Move on! Do you eat food off the floor? Move on! 503 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:29,560 Ah, you've got a yellow hanky, perfect. LAUGHTER 504 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:36,080 - It was a presumption. It wasn't... - "You eat food off the floor!" She's quite disgusting. 505 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:40,280 It's not yellow, it's a white hanky, I've just cleaned that up, thank you very much. 506 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:45,080 - Once you've got a baby, food on the floor really is fair game. - Exactly. 507 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:49,440 If you didn't eat food off the floor you're wasting about £90 a week. LAUGHTER 508 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:54,080 Now, buzz when you know what's so damn interesting about this photograph. 509 00:35:56,560 --> 00:36:01,560 BUZZER - Yes. - You said "dam interesting." - Oh. - What is it that's interesting? 510 00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:06,640 - Yes, I've got it. - It's a dam, yes. - It's got the goats walking across it. - There are goats walking on it. 511 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:12,880 - Where? Where? - There. They scale... - Oh, yes! - Now why would they do that? 512 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:16,880 - That is pretty impressive! - That is. - Do you know what kind of goat that is? 513 00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:21,040 - Ibex. - It's an ibex. It's an Alpine ibex. An extraordinary thing. 514 00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:27,840 This is a south-facing dam in Italy, the Cingino Dam, and to get a salt lick, 515 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:31,880 they walk on what is an almost sheer rock surface. 516 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:37,360 - Isn't it amazing, though? - Have their little hoofs, sort of, adapted? 517 00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:44,120 Well, you can see there. Yes, I mean, they are, ibexes, like all goats, are incredibly sure-footed. 518 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:48,040 And they're Alpine and they can scramble up rock faces and things like that. 519 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:52,680 - But it's astonishing, isn't it? - Do they fall off sometimes? - I hope not. I doubt it. 520 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:56,200 "Baah!" LAUGHTER 521 00:36:57,440 --> 00:37:01,040 There's a kebab stand at the bottom. LAUGHTER 522 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:07,000 Terrible and believable at the same time. 523 00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:10,640 "Occasionally one does fall off." 524 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:16,880 Do you know what the Pyrenean ibex, this is the Alpine ibex, this is in northern Italy, 525 00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:21,520 but do you know what the Pyrenean ibex did in the noughties, between 2000 and 2010? 526 00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:27,320 - There's a Pyrenean ibex. - Fell off something? Got to the top, couldn't get down? 527 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,040 Something fell on it, or on her, in fact. 528 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:34,440 There was a violent storm on January 6th 2000 in northern Spain. 529 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:38,920 Celia, she was the last ever Pyrenean ibex. 530 00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:44,160 And the branch crushed her skull and she died, and the species was declared extinct, 531 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:48,880 but in 2009, nine years later, she made a comeback 532 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:54,400 when she became the first cloned animal that had been extinct from a piece of her skin 533 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:57,400 that was preserved in liquid nitrogen 534 00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:02,200 and a little kid was born, but lasted only seven minutes, and died. 535 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:04,840 But it is the way forward with extinct species. 536 00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:11,000 There are a lot of frozen arks with highly endangered species whose DNA is being kept 537 00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:16,360 in the hope they will be resurrected one day and this is an example. For seven minutes, isn't that weird? 538 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:21,840 Talking of things that only show up if you look closely, it's General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers. 539 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:25,160 Where was Louise Brown conceived? 540 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:29,560 BUZZER - Yes. - In a test tube. 541 00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:32,040 ALARM BLARES 542 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:35,400 As soon as it was coming out of my mouth, I thought, "You fool!" 543 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:41,600 Louise Brown was indeed the world's first in vitro fertilised baby. 544 00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:44,440 But it wasn't a test tube. It was a petri dish. 545 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:48,040 She's a fraud! She's told everyone she's the first test tube baby! 546 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:52,880 - She was the first petri dish baby. - The news claimed that she was the first test tube baby. 547 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:58,600 There's another Louise Brown, who's 91 years old, and lives in the Stewartry of Dumfries in Galloway, 548 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:03,640 who has a record, we think, in the United Kingdom, which is rather extraordinary. 549 00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:07,160 - There's no way you could guess it. - It must be the oldest something. 550 00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,920 - Well, she... - Oh, is it too late for this? - No, we definitely know. 551 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:13,560 LAUGHTER We could ask her. 552 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:17,840 We could ask her if she's still alive. LAUGHTER 553 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:23,680 We think she is the most prolific library book borrower in the country. 554 00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:28,280 LAUGHTER - She has read... - That's too much of a leap from in vitro fertilisation. 555 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:32,640 Just happens to be the same name. She has read just under 25,000 books. 556 00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:37,120 - Well, she says that. She's borrowed them. - No, no... LAUGHTER 557 00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:42,920 - Yeah. - 12 a week. 12 a week and she's never once had a late fine. 558 00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:46,960 That proves she doesn't read them. The fact that she gets them back on time. 559 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:51,640 It's charming. They're mostly Mills and Boon romances, war stories and historical dramas. 560 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:54,160 Barbara Cartland was writing that many. 561 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:58,160 - Yes, exactly, just.. - Just for Louise to keep reading. - Yeah. 562 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:02,480 I was going to say, if Louise is watching, but she isn't, she's reading a book. 563 00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:05,280 We salute her in the world of dying libraries. 564 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:08,320 Where did marsupials come from? 565 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,480 BUZZER Yes. 566 00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:13,440 Marsupia. LAUGHTER 567 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:18,480 - It could easily have been the right answer. - They only live in Australia. 568 00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:21,360 ALARM BLARES Not true. 569 00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:23,560 I knew that. 570 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:28,480 We'll let you off. They don't only live in Australia, there are marsupials in the Americas. 571 00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:32,280 - Are there? - Yeah. - Yes. - What are they called? - Oh... - They're cute. 572 00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:37,720 - We'll show you a photograph. They're the mammals with the tiniest babies. - The echidna? 573 00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:40,120 - Not the echidna, no. - Are they Fingerbobs? 574 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,160 LAUGHTER 575 00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:48,120 - They look like the Clangers! - They really, really do look like Fingerbobs. - They are opossums. 576 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:52,520 I didn't know, I thought that they were born in the pouch. 577 00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:56,520 I didn't realise they're born and have to crawl up and get in the pouch. 578 00:40:56,520 --> 00:41:00,800 And in the case of the opossum, you could get 20 baby opossums on a teaspoon. 579 00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:03,480 - They are absolutely miniscule. - Wow. 580 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:07,680 And the mummy licks her fur to make a line, 581 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:11,600 from where they're born and they crawl up into the pouch. 582 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,520 Cos the babies then develop further in the pouch. 583 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:19,800 - But they first began... - That's bizarre because I was under the impression, wrong as ever, 584 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:25,960 marsupials evolved separately on Australia because Australia was like Madagascar, separate from evolution. 585 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:30,680 No, but like Madagascar and New Zealand, they all originally belonged to a super-continent, 586 00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:36,800 - which was known as? - Australasia? - No. It was known as... - Essex. - Someone from the audience will know. 587 00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:41,000 AUDIENCE SHOUT Gondwanaland! It was a super-continent that broke off 588 00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:43,880 and is now South America, Africa and Australasia. 589 00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:47,720 - Or so the scientists say! - So they say. 590 00:41:47,720 --> 00:41:52,880 But the first marsupials came from the part that is now South America, that had been Gondwanaland. 591 00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:58,440 But they crossed through Antarctica while it was still one continent and into Australia. 592 00:41:58,440 --> 00:42:03,480 So there you are, that's your marsupials, actually originated in what is now part of South America. 593 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:10,120 - Which brings me to the matter of the scores, and they make fascinating reading. - Oh! 594 00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:15,560 In first place by quite a long way with plus ten points, it's Dave Gorman! 595 00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:17,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much. 596 00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:22,600 I'm speaking almost now like a proud father, 597 00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:27,880 with a magnificent six points, in second place, Alan Davies. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 598 00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:37,600 And only just behind with plus five, Lee Mack! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 599 00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:43,160 But with a very creditable minus seven, 600 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:46,240 Ronni Ancona! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 601 00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:55,720 So, all that's left is for me to thank Ronni, Lee, Dave and, of course, Alan. 602 00:42:55,720 --> 00:42:58,080 I leave you with this thought from Leo Burke, 603 00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:02,360 "People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." Good night. 604 00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:05,400 APPLAUSE 605 00:43:07,240 --> 00:43:11,280 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 606 00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:15,320 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 607 00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:15,400 . 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net