1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,540 THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE 2 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,340 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:29,980 Oh! 4 00:00:29,980 --> 00:00:37,620 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 5 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:44,660 And welcome to an idiot-proof episode of QI for a quite interesting look at intelligence. 6 00:00:44,660 --> 00:00:48,700 Joining us tonight are some of the biggest brains of Britain. 7 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:51,540 The discerning David Mitchell. 8 00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:56,860 The judicious Jo Brand. 9 00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:03,820 The perspicacious Phill Jupitus! 10 00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:11,020 And the...Alan Davies. 11 00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:21,340 And they're absolutely buzzing with intelligence. David goes... 12 00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:25,820 BEGINNING OF MASTERMIND THEME Jo goes... 13 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,860 NEXT BIT OF MASTERMIND THEME 14 00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:34,460 Phill goes... LAST BIT OF MASTERMIND THEME 15 00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:37,380 - And Alan goes... - "Er, pass." 16 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:39,980 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:42,420 There we are. 18 00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:48,820 Don't forget your "Nobody knows" jokers. Would you dream of forgetting them? 19 00:01:48,820 --> 00:01:54,180 Yes, in this series there is one question to which nobody knows the answer. 20 00:01:54,180 --> 00:02:01,140 Question one is pretty challenging and very much what is discussed by academics in the finest universities 21 00:02:01,140 --> 00:02:07,140 so you may want to make notes. How do you get a goose interested in volleyball? 22 00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:09,380 Jo? 23 00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:15,100 I'd like to reply with a question. How do you get ANYONE interested in volleyball? 24 00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:18,820 I believe the removal of clothes is part of the... 25 00:02:18,820 --> 00:02:21,700 That's beach volleyball. 26 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:26,300 Well, when I say "in volleyball", I should use an indefinite article. 27 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:31,540 - There's being interested in volleyball and in A volleyball. - Ah! Make one out of goose food. 28 00:02:31,540 --> 00:02:39,180 Oddly enough, you don't need to do that. Their natural egg is light blue and flecked with grey. 29 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:45,420 Scientists have found that you can make the eggs bigger and bigger and really bright blue 30 00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:50,060 with great big black polka dots and they'll sit on those instead. 31 00:02:50,060 --> 00:02:54,780 - There's no upper limit... - It's about the shape and the colour. 32 00:02:54,780 --> 00:03:01,420 It's like us. We should eat enough food to keep ourselves alive, but we have no upper limit. 33 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:09,180 - We'll eat another bar of chocolate and end up looking like me. - Is that why you wear the Cadbury's livery? 34 00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:11,220 LAUGHTER 35 00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:13,940 Hoping for a freebie as always. 36 00:03:13,940 --> 00:03:19,980 It is, evolutionarily speaking, the bigger the egg, the more likely it is to want to sit on it 37 00:03:19,980 --> 00:03:27,220 - because it's more likely to be a healthy, larger chick. - "This will be the most amazing goose ever!" 38 00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:33,140 And so they'll sit on a volleyball. That's a kind of flaw in nature, if you like. 39 00:03:33,140 --> 00:03:39,180 We have to include ourselves in this. There are certain things we don't need in excess, 40 00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:45,660 like sugar and fat and sex, but we spend lots of time eating chocolate and doing things on the internet. 41 00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:50,660 Sounds like my perfect holiday. Sugar, fat and sex. Yes, please! 42 00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:57,740 - But we've got the awareness that we do that. - We do. - The goose on the volleyball isn't thinking, 43 00:03:57,740 --> 00:04:02,500 "This is a bit much. The world doesn't need giant geese." 44 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:05,460 You're right. We have the extra curse of consciousness 45 00:04:05,460 --> 00:04:09,540 that we are fools. They're fools without knowing it. It's called 46 00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:14,020 supernormal stimuli and it seems to exist in a lot of species, actually. 47 00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:17,860 Anyway, geese like their eggs the bigger the better. 48 00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:23,460 They don't know when to stop, which seems stupid, but name an intelligent bird. 49 00:04:23,460 --> 00:04:24,900 Yes? 50 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,820 Me. 51 00:04:27,820 --> 00:04:30,580 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 52 00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:38,700 I was going to say Shirley Williams. 53 00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:41,140 - She is much more intelligent than I am. - Nonsense. 54 00:04:41,140 --> 00:04:44,020 I've got to big myself up. I've got a very low IQ. No-one else will. 55 00:04:44,020 --> 00:04:46,420 I don't believe that for a second. 56 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,780 - It's 83. - Oh, my God! You're barely human. 57 00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:55,780 I don't think there are any intelligent birds. Their brains are so incredibly tiny. 58 00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:59,700 - Well... - Like an owl. I know this as a thing. 59 00:05:01,020 --> 00:05:06,860 - 65% of the skull is the eyes. The brain is virtually nothing. - You're right. 60 00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:09,380 It's very hard to judge intelligence in a bird. 61 00:05:09,380 --> 00:05:13,740 Can they count, is one. There are birds that can count. 62 00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:16,540 Cormorants can count to eight. 63 00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:22,260 You may say, "No, hang on..." but they are used by Chinese fishermen. 64 00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:28,660 - They catch a fish and drop it on the boat... - One! - And the eighth one they keep for themselves. - Eight! 65 00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:32,780 - "That's mine." - Finished. 66 00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:35,860 "Nine!" Erp! 67 00:05:35,860 --> 00:05:42,260 But the generally smartest group is not smart because they count, but because they solve problems. 68 00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:48,180 - These are the corvids. - Crows! - The crows, the ravens, the jackdaws, 69 00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:52,460 the magpies. What's interesting is they can look at a problem. 70 00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:57,780 I've seen experiments where they've had a gate that's pulled up on a string 71 00:05:57,780 --> 00:06:02,020 which goes round a sort of pulley system and they will look at it 72 00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:06,900 and then go straight to pull the right piece of string to raise the door. 73 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:12,780 We've got film here, for example, of a crow. There. It hasn't seen this hook at all. 74 00:06:12,780 --> 00:06:15,780 Ever. It's its first time. 75 00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:20,140 It's working it out. It's seen that it has a bent end. 76 00:06:20,140 --> 00:06:24,900 - And now it's pulling that out. - How bizarre. - Quite extraordinary. 77 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:27,340 And now it's got its food. 78 00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:31,540 - They do seem like the most evil birds. - They're often considered creatures of ill omen. 79 00:06:31,540 --> 00:06:35,060 In Shakespeare, they're often used as such. 80 00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:39,060 But you're just seeing them with Carmina Burana playing. 81 00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:45,820 - Imagine a crow... - I should get something else for my iPod? - Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert. 82 00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:50,220 That's a nice crow. Put a sombrero on it, take the edge off it. 83 00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:56,660 - But if you had Carmina Burana and a robin, you wouldn't think it was evil. - I would! - Would you? 84 00:06:56,660 --> 00:06:59,380 Dirty bastard robin! 85 00:06:59,380 --> 00:07:05,460 Anyway, there are intelligent birds, and the crow family display intelligence aplenty. 86 00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:07,820 Who first cracked the Enigma code? 87 00:07:10,420 --> 00:07:12,940 Was it the Poles? 88 00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:16,500 Top man! Absolutely right. 89 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,020 APPLAUSE 90 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:19,620 You're a good soul. 91 00:07:21,140 --> 00:07:25,940 There's a general feeling that we did all the work, but in fact, 92 00:07:25,940 --> 00:07:28,180 it was a Pole in 1932, as early as that, 93 00:07:28,180 --> 00:07:31,660 who first cracked how an Enigma machine worked. 94 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:35,780 But in the late 1930s, the Germans changed the way they worked, 95 00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:39,620 I think it was something like 364 billion possible settings 96 00:07:39,620 --> 00:07:44,220 each day to the daily code. That's not something you could guess. 97 00:07:44,220 --> 00:07:46,740 But the first one to crack it in the beginning 98 00:07:46,740 --> 00:07:50,140 was a young Polish mathematician called Marian Rejewski. 99 00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:51,980 And if you ever go to Bletchley Park, 100 00:07:51,980 --> 00:07:55,620 and I do urge you to do so, there is a splendid statue to him... 101 00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,900 - Have they got a good shop? - They have a very nice shop. They also 102 00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:01,380 have a museum of computing, which I know would excite you. 103 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:04,740 Oh, indeed(!) I'm already moist. 104 00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:11,020 It is well established. 105 00:08:11,020 --> 00:08:13,820 The work on Enigma did do a great deal to hasten 106 00:08:13,820 --> 00:08:17,420 the end of the war. Eisenhower estimated that a shortened 107 00:08:17,420 --> 00:08:20,860 the war by two years, which is hundreds of thousands of lives. 108 00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:25,100 So it was an extraordinary important thing that these boffins got together. 109 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:28,420 But how were they first brought together at Bletchley Park? 110 00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:32,780 What was the first move the Government made to assemble the boffins? 111 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,540 - Singles club. - It was almost that. 112 00:08:35,540 --> 00:08:39,060 It was a Telegraph crossword competition. 113 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:42,100 Specially fiendish crossword, and the winners were sent letters 114 00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:45,460 saying, "You might be our kind of chap." 115 00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:48,420 Anyway, they then soon became aware that having people 116 00:08:48,420 --> 00:08:51,460 who knew that "carthorse" was an anagram of "orchestra" 117 00:08:51,460 --> 00:08:53,540 was not going to win them the war. 118 00:08:53,540 --> 00:08:57,140 They needed really great mathematical minds. 119 00:08:57,140 --> 00:08:58,780 It was when the world changed. 120 00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:02,420 "It will be fascinating conundrums that the Nazis will set us! 121 00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:07,220 "We will have to find clues and follow them!" 122 00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:09,100 No, you just need a supercomputer. 123 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:11,540 Fortunately, there was a man ready for it. 124 00:09:11,540 --> 00:09:13,860 It just happened to be that history had thrown up 125 00:09:13,860 --> 00:09:16,220 a brilliant mathematician called Alan Turing 126 00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:18,220 who was at Cambridge at the time. 127 00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:20,300 He's considered the father of computing, 128 00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,980 one of the truly great men of his time. 129 00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:27,300 You may remember Gordon Brown making an impassioned but far too late apology 130 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,020 on behalf of the British Government for his terrible death. 131 00:09:30,020 --> 00:09:32,580 He was persecuted for his homosexuality 132 00:09:32,580 --> 00:09:35,420 and chemically castrated and then committed suicide 133 00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:37,220 by eating a poisoned apple. 134 00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:40,580 There are many to this day who believe that Apple computers 135 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,820 named their apple with the bite out of it in honour of Alan Turing, 136 00:09:43,820 --> 00:09:45,340 the father of computing. 137 00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:48,740 I was in a position to ask one of the founders, Steve Jobs, 138 00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:52,100 and he said, "It isn't true, but God, we wish it were." 139 00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:56,300 It is just a coincidence, but they're very proud that people think it might be, 140 00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,140 because he was an extraordinary man. 141 00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:01,980 But the real fiendish thing was not Enigma. It was called Lorenz. 142 00:10:01,980 --> 00:10:06,940 Lorenz was used by German High Command and Hitler himself, basically. 143 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,820 Lorenz was unbelievably difficult, 144 00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:11,540 and for that, Turing and his team built what really was 145 00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:15,420 the world's first computer. It was called Colossus. 146 00:10:15,420 --> 00:10:18,420 It was way ahead of its time, it was quite extraordinary. 147 00:10:18,420 --> 00:10:23,020 It was all a complete national secret until very recently, wasn't it? 148 00:10:23,020 --> 00:10:24,420 Or quite recently. 149 00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:28,140 Absolutely. There is Bletchley Park. It is open to the public. 150 00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:31,660 I'm a big advocate for it. I make no apology for banging its drum. 151 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:32,780 It's a great place. 152 00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:35,820 It's an interesting choice that we took as a nation, though, 153 00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:38,660 during the Second World War, which was an expensive experience for us 154 00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:41,580 and left us bankrupt, but out of it we had, basically, 155 00:10:41,580 --> 00:10:44,740 invented the computer, and we decided to make it a secret. 156 00:10:44,740 --> 00:10:48,300 - Yes! - Without in any sense attempting to monetise it. 157 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:51,660 Actually, we gave the secret of Colossus to the CIA. 158 00:10:51,660 --> 00:10:53,820 Oh, superb(!) 159 00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:59,500 What an excellent move. No-one will be needing that(!) 160 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,740 There were a lot of people in British Government who thought, 161 00:11:02,740 --> 00:11:06,060 "What are these people in damp tweed with pipes and glasses doing 162 00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:07,500 "writing on bits of paper?" 163 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,780 It was quite a big budget. "What are they doing?" 164 00:11:10,780 --> 00:11:14,140 Churchill had a look round and the fellow explained what they were doing, 165 00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:18,460 and there's a famous memo in Churchill's hand that just says "Give them what they want." 166 00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,580 Fantastic, that, isn't it? 167 00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:22,940 Can I just ask, and you may not be able to answer this, 168 00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:26,420 but what was the nature of the Enigma code? 169 00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:30,860 - Was it mathematical? - Yes. Don't ask me to give you precise details. 170 00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:35,580 I'm really no expert, but it was purely physical, mechanical device, 171 00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:39,660 but it had so many different rotors that had so many different angles 172 00:11:39,660 --> 00:11:42,860 and positions that there were hundreds of billions of permutations. 173 00:11:42,860 --> 00:11:46,820 It was our job to intercept or work out what the codeword 174 00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:50,780 of the day was and then we could translate the messages. 175 00:11:50,780 --> 00:11:52,660 But they were very lazy. 176 00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:56,380 The Germans made mistakes by using the names of their dogs and things. 177 00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:59,540 A lot of intelligence was gathered about people in Naval Intelligence, 178 00:11:59,540 --> 00:12:02,220 in particular about their dogs, their girlfriends. 179 00:12:02,220 --> 00:12:03,620 It's a bit like passwords. 180 00:12:03,620 --> 00:12:05,060 I'm beginning to think that 181 00:12:05,060 --> 00:12:07,980 people might be able to hack into my John Lewis account. 182 00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:12,260 Not named after your dog, surely? 183 00:12:12,260 --> 00:12:16,580 It's ironic, though, that they invented a computer which finished the war early, 184 00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:20,180 but the cyber war being waged by China will be the death of all of us. 185 00:12:20,180 --> 00:12:23,700 Yes. There is some... The worry about it is, I was speaking to 186 00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:28,340 a man at Los Alamos, which is where they developed the nuclear bomb. 187 00:12:28,340 --> 00:12:32,460 They said they had something like one million attacks an hour 188 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:36,660 on their cyber front-end security. I said, "What, hackers?" 189 00:12:36,660 --> 00:12:40,820 And they said, "No. Nations. Well, let's be honest, one nation." 190 00:12:40,820 --> 00:12:43,380 And I was interviewing him on camera, and I said, 191 00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:45,660 "Would it rhyme with 'bina'?" 192 00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:49,340 He said, "It might well do." I said, "That's how many times 193 00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:52,700 "they're battering on the doors of your security?" 194 00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:55,620 They've got thousands of computers trying to work it out 195 00:12:55,620 --> 00:12:57,180 24 hours a day. 196 00:12:57,180 --> 00:13:01,180 Presumably, we're attempting in our own befuddled way to do the same. 197 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:04,340 We've got a ZX80 on it 24/7! 198 00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:10,580 Except when Wimbledon's on! 199 00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:15,060 Yes, we've got a crow that can get a tiny bucket out of a Perspex tube! 200 00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:17,820 Take that, China! 201 00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:23,060 How long does the perfect job interview last? 202 00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:24,420 Yes, Jo? 203 00:13:26,460 --> 00:13:28,380 How long does a blowjob take? 204 00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:30,740 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 205 00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:40,220 The extraordinary thing is the answer is exactly what I've got on my card - 206 00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,180 it's 12 seconds! 207 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:45,900 LAUGHTER You're absolutely right! 208 00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:51,340 Wow. Very good. It does seem that 12 seconds is enough. 209 00:13:51,340 --> 00:13:57,300 And, bizarrely, you don't even have to hear. You can see video of someone and most people will agree 210 00:13:57,300 --> 00:14:03,020 to give him or her the job. After 12 seconds, the mind has been made up, it seems. 211 00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:07,140 Something about the attitude, the confidence, whatever it is, 212 00:14:07,140 --> 00:14:11,580 if it hasn't come across in 12 seconds, it won't. 213 00:14:11,580 --> 00:14:16,500 - Or so it would seem. Have you ever had to apply for a job? - Loads. 214 00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:20,500 - Never got any of them. - You're here, aren't you? - True. 215 00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:26,460 - But I slept with you, as you well know. - One of the best 12 seconds of my life! 216 00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:28,180 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 217 00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:38,540 But I have applied for loads of jobs and not got a lot of them, 218 00:14:38,540 --> 00:14:42,660 but so much is to do with appearance, isn't it? 219 00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:48,740 As a fat person, you are pretty swiftly written off if there's a thin person in the offing. 220 00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:55,820 - That sort of thing makes a really big difference. - And they would never dare admit it. 221 00:14:55,820 --> 00:14:58,860 Well, they told me a few times. 222 00:14:58,860 --> 00:15:02,940 "We'd love to employ you, but we've got a thin person." 223 00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:08,980 - "I understand." - Outrageous! How about you, Alan? What have you done before you went into comedy? 224 00:15:08,980 --> 00:15:12,940 - I never wanted to have a job. - Really?! 225 00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:17,940 In the event of an interview, wear flip-flops. LAUGHTER 226 00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:22,340 You will never be employed. Go in, put your feet up on the desk. 227 00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:27,900 - And they'll get the next person in! - That's fair. 228 00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:34,260 We have here a list of job interview questions you shouldn't ask, if we're the interviewing panel. 229 00:15:34,260 --> 00:15:42,140 You're not to ask, "Are you a smoker?" "Are you originally from the OK?" The UK! 230 00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:46,380 But if you're interviewing for a cowboy, it's a good question. 231 00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:52,700 I was going to say it's not OK to say, "Are you originally from the UK?" I screwed it up. 232 00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:59,380 - "Do you have children who need to be looked after?" - "In the event of a fire, will you stop working?" 233 00:15:59,380 --> 00:16:06,820 "Do you plan to have children in future?" And then, "What are your weaknesses?" is a common one. 234 00:16:06,820 --> 00:16:13,180 The temptation, of course, is to attempt to subvert it by naming a weakness that is a strength. 235 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:19,660 "Oh, my trouble is I'm just a terrible perfectionist. I can't stop until it's perfect." 236 00:16:19,660 --> 00:16:24,980 - "I'm so punctual!" - "My problem is I'm really nice. I'm too nice." 237 00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:30,140 That is transparent. Don't do that. Say one that is not terrible, 238 00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:35,180 like, "I tend to get bogged down in details, but I'm making an effort." 239 00:16:35,180 --> 00:16:37,860 "I'm a terrible thief." LAUGHTER 240 00:16:39,980 --> 00:16:45,540 - "I love other people's stuff." - "I can't concentr... Oh, look! A squirrel!" 241 00:16:45,540 --> 00:16:52,220 "What are your weaknesses?" "Heroin and masturbating, not necessarily in that order." 242 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:59,380 - "What are your strengths?" Here's another one. - "My odour. I've got a powerful odour. 243 00:16:59,380 --> 00:17:03,020 "It only gets stronger as the day goes on." 244 00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:05,020 LAUGHTER 245 00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:15,700 - You're still wearing your "I don't want a bloody job" hat! - "These feet stink by four o'clock." 246 00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:18,380 Don't say, "I work well without supervision," 247 00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:22,620 which may seem good, but it sounds, "I resent management," is what you're saying. 248 00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:26,780 So say, "I work equally well with or without supervision." 249 00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:29,540 "I relish working in a team." 250 00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:32,740 Yes! Eugh! Vomit-worthy, isn't it? 251 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:39,020 Don't say, "I'm confident, outgoing and a natural leader." That suggests a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler. 252 00:17:39,020 --> 00:17:41,940 Say, "I have good interpersonal skills." 253 00:17:41,940 --> 00:17:45,300 If I met someone who said who said they had good interpersonal skills, 254 00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,980 I'd get a rusty knife and do that in their stomach. 255 00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:52,620 - Until they bled to death! - "I've got good interpersonal skills" is proof that you don't! - Exactly! 256 00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:56,100 You immediately annoy the person you're talking to. 257 00:17:56,100 --> 00:18:00,340 "I'm comfortable taking instructions from idiots like you." 258 00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,820 LAUGHTER 259 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:06,820 There are weird things like the person interviewing you might just fall asleep. 260 00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:09,740 Apparently, the smart thing to do 261 00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:13,620 - is leave a note saying, "I enjoyed meeting you." - Is it?! 262 00:18:13,620 --> 00:18:18,220 - I'd say that's an incredibly unassertive thing to do. - I agree. 263 00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:22,780 "Wake up, you lazy sod! This is my life we're talking about!" 264 00:18:22,780 --> 00:18:25,540 So you mustn't lick their face? 265 00:18:25,540 --> 00:18:27,980 LAUGHTER Now, that would be good. 266 00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:33,820 Imagine them waking up and you're there with your tongue on their nose. 267 00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:43,900 I had a job in the Civil Service - loved that(!) - for six months and they asked me the wrong question. 268 00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:49,020 If they'd said to me, "Are you likely in three months' time to get pissed in the club bar, 269 00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:54,020 "go back to your desk, fall asleep and then fall off your chair?" 270 00:18:54,020 --> 00:19:00,260 I could have said yes and they could have not given me the job, but that is what happened and I got sacked. 271 00:19:00,260 --> 00:19:06,820 - They stupidly didn't have a question for that. - The wrong question. - No-one but themselves to blame. - Absolutely. 272 00:19:06,820 --> 00:19:11,460 They also ask, "How many piano tuners are there in the UK?" 273 00:19:11,460 --> 00:19:15,900 - What?! - It tests your initiative or your wit when you give an answer. 274 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:20,340 "Will you take advantage of Bring Your Kestrel To Work Thursday?" 275 00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:25,380 The whole thing sounds horrible, the world of job interviews. 276 00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:32,100 The thing that seems unfair to me is people expected to pretend to care about jobs they don't care about. 277 00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:38,060 You should be allowed to say, "You can't put in my contract that I have to seem like I give a shit." 278 00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:41,700 LAUGHTER That's expecting too much. 279 00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:46,060 I really like living in a country with such poor customer service. 280 00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,700 I've got respect for that. 281 00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:53,740 "This is a horrible train, you're tearing tickets. Of course you're in an awful mood." 282 00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:59,620 Now that you've put it like that I shall feel better about it. 283 00:19:59,620 --> 00:20:04,980 Why have a cheesy grin on your face if you work in an awful supermarket? 284 00:20:04,980 --> 00:20:08,580 It's the sign either of a liar or a moron. 285 00:20:08,580 --> 00:20:13,660 - Exactly. - It's funny when people are rude in shops, isn't it? It still takes you by surprise. 286 00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:20,740 My wife went to a shop today to buy an ironing basket. "I've never heard of such a thing. 287 00:20:20,740 --> 00:20:27,180 - "I have no idea where you would find something like that." - "You've just put two words next to each other 288 00:20:27,180 --> 00:20:33,260 - "in a mad way!" - Me and my mates would deliberately go to a Chinese restaurant 289 00:20:33,260 --> 00:20:37,300 in Wardour Street because they were so foul to you. 290 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:44,700 The best ever time we went there, we were actually moved mid-meal to a different floor. 291 00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:46,740 LAUGHTER 292 00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:49,180 "You go upstair now!" 293 00:20:50,660 --> 00:20:54,900 "Excuse me?" "You go upstair now. This table booked." 294 00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:58,860 "I'm in the middle of my dinner!" "You go upstair!" 295 00:20:58,860 --> 00:21:03,740 An army of waiters moved our meal. I was pissing myself! 296 00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:06,660 LAUGHTER Fantastic. 297 00:21:06,660 --> 00:21:10,020 Job interviews only need to last 12 seconds, it seems. 298 00:21:10,020 --> 00:21:12,700 Of course, it helps to believe in yourself as well. 299 00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:16,020 How do you know if you're incompetent? 300 00:21:16,020 --> 00:21:19,060 "MASTERMIND" THEME 301 00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:22,620 Is it because you did very badly at your last job which 302 00:21:22,620 --> 00:21:25,420 involved organising a piss-up in a brewery? 303 00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:27,660 You'd think that would be hint wouldn't you? 304 00:21:27,660 --> 00:21:31,900 No, there is a thing called the Dunning-Kruger effect 305 00:21:31,900 --> 00:21:35,780 which is that if you're incompetent, you don't know it because the thing 306 00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:40,140 that makes you incompetent means you don't realise what the competent thing is. 307 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:44,860 So lets imagine you've got a rather mediocre doctor who hasn't 308 00:21:44,860 --> 00:21:47,660 diagnosed something that a smarter doctor would have done. 309 00:21:47,660 --> 00:21:51,340 The incompetent doctor doesn't know he's incompetent because he doesn't 310 00:21:51,340 --> 00:21:54,140 know what it is that he hasn't done. Do you see what I mean? 311 00:21:54,140 --> 00:21:56,980 - Doesn't he realise that when the patient dies? - Patients die anyway. 312 00:21:56,980 --> 00:22:00,460 Only if some really smart doctor goes, didn't you realise this? Then they go, "Oops!" 313 00:22:00,460 --> 00:22:02,580 But the fact is they don't know they're incompetent 314 00:22:02,580 --> 00:22:05,180 They don't know they're incompetent, 315 00:22:05,180 --> 00:22:10,420 that's sort of what makes you incompetent. The fact is, we don't know...what we don't know. 316 00:22:10,420 --> 00:22:14,260 Are you saying you can tell if you're incompetent if you're happy? 317 00:22:14,260 --> 00:22:20,140 Basically! There are incompetent people who you feel, must know they're incompetent. 318 00:22:20,140 --> 00:22:24,060 There were a couple of thieves in America, you'll be surprised to know, 319 00:22:24,060 --> 00:22:27,100 who surprised themselves thus, using Magic Markers. 320 00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:29,020 LAUGHTER 321 00:22:29,020 --> 00:22:33,060 They thought the could get away with that! That was in Iowa. 322 00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:37,380 There's a look of realisation in their eyes. 323 00:22:37,380 --> 00:22:41,620 Yes, we now realise this wouldn't have been sufficient. 324 00:22:41,620 --> 00:22:45,700 in 1994 a 30-year-old plumber and part time terrorist 325 00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:50,220 in sunny Al Jahaleen entered the cinema in Al Zarqa in Jordan with a bomb. 326 00:22:50,220 --> 00:22:54,660 It was showing x-rated films which he disapproved 327 00:22:54,660 --> 00:22:59,900 so he planted his bomb under a seat but then got carried away 328 00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:03,900 watching the film and it exploded and too away both his legs! 329 00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:08,620 - The bomb? - Yes. - Thank god. 330 00:23:10,140 --> 00:23:12,020 Isn't that excellent news? 331 00:23:12,020 --> 00:23:16,060 Um, anyway... Very strange! 332 00:23:16,060 --> 00:23:19,060 Now, would you like to see an ingenious interlude? 333 00:23:19,060 --> 00:23:24,460 - I've been trying to get better at these chemistry experiments. - These are my favourite bits. 334 00:23:24,460 --> 00:23:27,500 They are fun. This is a speaker, as you can see. 335 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:33,940 This is cornflour mixed with water, as you would buy in any high street cornflour shop or supermarket. 336 00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:39,980 - It's used as a thickening agent. - It's not green, though. - We've made i green to make it stand out more. 337 00:23:39,980 --> 00:23:45,020 It has a particular property. It's a non-Newtonian fluid. It's very peculiar. 338 00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:48,820 I'm going to pour it here. Gloopy, I think, is the word. 339 00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:54,500 And unlike most liquids which change their viscosity according to their temperature, 340 00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:57,140 these change according to pressure 341 00:23:57,140 --> 00:24:00,980 and we hope that a bit of sound played by Ben, our sound man... 342 00:24:00,980 --> 00:24:04,540 - LOW VIBRATING SOUND Hello! - It's beginning to vibrate. 343 00:24:04,540 --> 00:24:10,060 As it gets louder, the effect will get more extraordinary... It's a wonderful feeling. 344 00:24:10,060 --> 00:24:15,180 LAUGHTER I might be able to give it a tickle with a spoon. There we go. 345 00:24:15,180 --> 00:24:17,060 There you are. 346 00:24:17,060 --> 00:24:19,700 If I keep... Oops! 347 00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:25,420 And you start to get basically little Morphs making love with each other. 348 00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:27,460 LAUGHTER 349 00:24:27,460 --> 00:24:30,820 - It's so weird. - Isn't it? There you go. 350 00:24:30,820 --> 00:24:35,660 You have just screwed every stereo of every QI viewer. 351 00:24:36,580 --> 00:24:39,140 Isn't that creepy? 352 00:24:39,140 --> 00:24:43,900 - Margaret, get the cornflour! - It's like little wavy, green people. 353 00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:47,580 And they're all rising and making love. 354 00:24:47,580 --> 00:24:53,980 - That's what you say! - You're adding that. - It looks like it. - I think they're being burned alive. 355 00:24:53,980 --> 00:24:58,180 - Some of them are waving. - "Help me, I'm drowning!" 356 00:24:58,180 --> 00:25:00,220 Isn't it extraordinary? 357 00:25:00,220 --> 00:25:04,260 And all that is is water and cornflour. It's quite amazing. 358 00:25:04,260 --> 00:25:09,900 - What?! - It's the actual vibrations, the physical effect that changes the viscosity. 359 00:25:09,900 --> 00:25:11,940 Let's all gather round. 360 00:25:11,940 --> 00:25:16,060 - They climb out... They look as if they're trying to climb out. - Yes. 361 00:25:18,140 --> 00:25:22,180 - It's rather beautiful. - That is fantastic. - Isn't it? 362 00:25:22,180 --> 00:25:25,740 It's like a glimpse into hell, isn't it? 363 00:25:25,740 --> 00:25:30,700 - All the souls writhing around, trying to escape. - That's just what it looks like. 364 00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:33,500 - Maybe it is. - Yes, souls in agony. 365 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:38,220 And then it goes quiet again and settles back into liquid form. 366 00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:41,260 Isn't that amazing? APPLAUSE 367 00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:46,980 Well, I've got, um... 368 00:25:46,980 --> 00:25:51,620 I've got clingfilm, but they've not furnished me with a wet wipe. 369 00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,220 Oh, look at the muck on 'ere! 370 00:25:56,220 --> 00:26:01,980 - Would you like a tissue? - "I was at work tonight and I got green gunk all over me purple suit! 371 00:26:01,980 --> 00:26:05,540 - "Eeh, I look like Jack Nicholson!" - Oh, there we are. 372 00:26:05,540 --> 00:26:10,340 There are various non-Newtonian fluids. They are working on a liquid armour, 373 00:26:10,340 --> 00:26:16,380 which is weird, but the higher the pressure of the bullet, the more solid the liquid will become. 374 00:26:16,380 --> 00:26:20,700 - How am I only seeing this for the first time tonight? - It's exciting. 375 00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:26,820 Every time I go round someone's house, why aren't they playing dub reggae and getting the cornflour out. 376 00:26:26,820 --> 00:26:32,020 You know what to do next time. Now, what is this robot designed to do? 377 00:26:33,900 --> 00:26:36,860 - "MASTERMIND" THEME - Blimey! Yes? 378 00:26:36,860 --> 00:26:39,580 To overthrow the puny humans? 379 00:26:39,580 --> 00:26:42,660 That's what most robots are designed to do. 380 00:26:42,660 --> 00:26:47,460 - It's for hanging a jacket on. - This is actually an iron-shirt robot. 381 00:26:47,460 --> 00:26:53,180 It irons your shirt. You put on a shirt and it puffs up and irons it, gets rid of its creases. 382 00:26:53,180 --> 00:26:58,740 I think it might be a replacement husband because it's just sitting there doing fuck-all. 383 00:26:59,820 --> 00:27:04,780 That would be a good job. The fact is, there was so much promise for robots 384 00:27:04,780 --> 00:27:07,620 and a lot of artificial intelligence research. 385 00:27:07,620 --> 00:27:11,100 Sorry, is it just this atmosphere? Are you thirsty? 386 00:27:12,100 --> 00:27:14,860 Can we have a drink? Thank you. 387 00:27:14,860 --> 00:27:21,020 - I've got a friend here who's going to give me a drink. - It's not like Yo! Sushi, is it? - No. Here we are. 388 00:27:21,020 --> 00:27:24,460 APPLAUSE 389 00:27:27,660 --> 00:27:29,700 'This is for you.' 390 00:27:29,700 --> 00:27:31,980 Thank you. 391 00:27:31,980 --> 00:27:35,980 That's very kind of you. Welcome to QI, Asimo. 392 00:27:35,980 --> 00:27:39,300 'Thank you, Stephen. It is great to be here.' 393 00:27:39,300 --> 00:27:41,780 Isn't he marvellous? 394 00:27:41,780 --> 00:27:46,180 "Here I am, brain the size of a planet, opening doors..." 395 00:27:47,780 --> 00:27:54,260 - You're the most advanced humanoid robot on the planet? Is that right? - 'That is what they tell me.' 396 00:27:54,260 --> 00:27:57,300 Why don't you show us what you can do? 397 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,300 'I would love to.' 398 00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:05,740 - Is he going to kill me? - Honestly, I promise you you are going to be impressed. 399 00:28:06,740 --> 00:28:11,900 I mean, this is... This movement that is so simple to us... 400 00:28:11,900 --> 00:28:17,940 They can do calculations we could never dream of doing, any computer, but this movement he's doing... 401 00:28:17,940 --> 00:28:20,660 He's going to go down a step, right? 402 00:28:20,660 --> 00:28:25,500 - Give him time. - If he falls over, that's 20 million quid up the Swanee! 403 00:28:25,500 --> 00:28:28,060 APPLAUSE 404 00:28:28,060 --> 00:28:29,780 Now... 405 00:28:32,940 --> 00:28:35,500 LAUGHTER 406 00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:41,540 Now he'll do something that I think no-one in this room will ever have seen, which is truly miraculous. 407 00:28:41,540 --> 00:28:44,700 "Studio audience killed by runaway robot!" 408 00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:49,900 No, he's going to run. I'd like you to run, Asimo. This takes him a bit of time. 409 00:28:49,900 --> 00:28:53,060 Both feet will leave the ground and he will run. 410 00:28:53,060 --> 00:28:55,100 There he goes. 411 00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:57,660 Ohh! APPLAUSE 412 00:28:57,660 --> 00:28:59,980 Isn't that amazing? 413 00:28:59,980 --> 00:29:02,500 - It is. - Isn't that incredible? 414 00:29:06,260 --> 00:29:08,300 Well done. 415 00:29:08,300 --> 00:29:13,500 Well done, Asimo. I think it's only fair that you get some points. 416 00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:16,980 'Thanks, but what I would really like is a dance with Jo.' 417 00:29:16,980 --> 00:29:19,020 LAUGHTER 418 00:29:19,020 --> 00:29:21,980 - Oh, my word! - I think that can be arranged. 419 00:29:27,700 --> 00:29:30,140 He wouldn't say that if he'd met me. 420 00:29:31,140 --> 00:29:32,980 'Hi, Jo.' 421 00:29:32,980 --> 00:29:37,260 Hi, Asimo. I'm married. Sorry. 422 00:29:39,580 --> 00:29:42,300 DISCO MUSIC 423 00:29:45,580 --> 00:29:47,820 Oh, yes! 424 00:30:05,580 --> 00:30:07,620 CHEERING 425 00:30:15,900 --> 00:30:18,340 Well done, everybody. 426 00:30:18,340 --> 00:30:21,180 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And he's bowing! 427 00:30:22,980 --> 00:30:25,020 LAUGHTER 428 00:30:26,020 --> 00:30:27,540 Amazing! 429 00:30:27,540 --> 00:30:31,060 - I've scored! - Thank you very much, Asimo. 430 00:30:31,060 --> 00:30:33,380 Goodbye then. 431 00:30:33,380 --> 00:30:36,900 - What's the battery like on one of these? - Love you! 432 00:30:36,900 --> 00:30:39,540 APPLAUSE 433 00:30:44,340 --> 00:30:46,380 There he goes. 434 00:30:46,380 --> 00:30:50,740 - Round the corner. - I can't help feeling he's heavily weaponised. 435 00:30:50,740 --> 00:30:54,140 - Should be in the movies. - Why do you think he's called Asimo? 436 00:30:54,140 --> 00:30:59,100 It's bloody depressing that even a robot can dance better than I can! 437 00:31:00,180 --> 00:31:03,100 I presume it's an acronym, is it? 438 00:31:03,100 --> 00:31:08,820 - Asimo? - Is it a tribute to Isaac Asimov? - No, that's what a lot of people assume. 439 00:31:08,820 --> 00:31:14,380 It's a coincidence. It's from the Japanese. "Asi" means "feet" and "mo" is short for "movement". 440 00:31:14,380 --> 00:31:18,580 They're most proud, you can see why, of his extraordinary ability. 441 00:31:18,580 --> 00:31:24,300 The amount of technology that goes into a machine that can walk bipedally like that and run! 442 00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:27,260 We're at that stage now, which is amazing, but how far are we 443 00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:29,620 - from mechagodzilla? - Ah, that's what we need. 444 00:31:29,620 --> 00:31:35,180 That's a great big tall one, bigger than buildings, running round Tokyo. 445 00:31:35,180 --> 00:31:39,300 - Breathing fire as well, doesn't it? - I don't know that mechagodzilla breathed fire 446 00:31:39,300 --> 00:31:43,180 - as much as had missiles in his fists. - Oh yes! Got to be one of the other, surely. 447 00:31:43,180 --> 00:31:48,740 I'm not absolutely sure about the voice. It sounds a bit like Michael Jackson which is a bit chilling. 448 00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:53,460 Yeah, it would be more reassuring if it was a mechanical voice. 449 00:31:53,460 --> 00:31:55,540 What, like a more sort of... 450 00:31:55,540 --> 00:31:58,900 GRUFF VOICE: "Hello, Jo, do you want to dance?" 451 00:31:58,900 --> 00:32:01,180 Or maybe Bernard Manning? 452 00:32:01,180 --> 00:32:05,180 - Or Ste-phen Haw-king, it could talk to you like him. - That's very good. 453 00:32:05,180 --> 00:32:10,740 I think it would have been more reassuring if its dancing was like robotic dancing, 454 00:32:10,740 --> 00:32:12,860 rather than trying to be human. 455 00:32:12,860 --> 00:32:15,820 I find its attempts to be human tragic. 456 00:32:15,820 --> 00:32:17,940 LAUGHTER 457 00:32:17,940 --> 00:32:20,460 Well, aren't you easily pleased(?) 458 00:32:20,460 --> 00:32:26,420 I'd like for it to be like Jerry Springer. The robot runs on and goes "Who are you cal-ling rub-bish?" 459 00:32:26,420 --> 00:32:28,220 LAUGHTER 460 00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:33,020 Then big blokes in QI black T-shirts have to pull it off... LAUGHTER 461 00:32:33,020 --> 00:32:36,860 ROBOTIC VOICE: "Get off me, you slags! Get off me, you slags! 462 00:32:36,860 --> 00:32:39,260 "He was asking for it." 463 00:32:39,260 --> 00:32:42,220 "I want a DNA test!" 464 00:32:42,220 --> 00:32:43,940 LAUGHTER 465 00:32:43,940 --> 00:32:45,740 APPLAUSE 466 00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:53,460 At the moment, he can recognise people, objects and gestures. 467 00:32:53,460 --> 00:32:54,740 He has cameras in there. 468 00:32:54,740 --> 00:33:01,100 He can calculate distances and the direction of movement and create flexible routes to a destination. 469 00:33:01,100 --> 00:33:03,180 He can hear and speak to an extent. 470 00:33:03,180 --> 00:33:06,620 He can understand about 50 different calls and greetings, 471 00:33:06,620 --> 00:33:10,540 as well as 30 different commands and react to them accordingly. 472 00:33:10,540 --> 00:33:16,580 There's a long way to go, but I was bloody impressed. Thank you very much to Asimo and his handlers. 473 00:33:16,580 --> 00:33:18,980 APPLAUSE 474 00:33:22,740 --> 00:33:28,580 That brings us to the all-too human world of general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, if you please. 475 00:33:28,580 --> 00:33:32,260 How many piano tuners are there in the UK? 476 00:33:33,460 --> 00:33:36,180 Is the right answer! 477 00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:40,260 - 'Nobody knows.' - Yes, get in there... APPLAUSE 478 00:33:40,260 --> 00:33:43,100 Yes, it's a very strange thing, 479 00:33:43,100 --> 00:33:49,340 but even the British Association of Piano Tuners has no idea how many piano tuners there are. 480 00:33:49,340 --> 00:33:53,300 Somewhere between 1,000 and 10,000 is their guess. 481 00:33:53,300 --> 00:33:57,380 - That's a very wide gap. - It is a very wide gap. They just don't know. 482 00:33:57,380 --> 00:33:59,100 You could try and work it out. 483 00:33:59,100 --> 00:34:02,420 You could look in the Yellow Pages and count them. 484 00:34:02,420 --> 00:34:06,260 Don't people have to put what their job is in the Census? 485 00:34:06,260 --> 00:34:11,820 A piano tuner is often a moonlighting job, not necessarily a full-time one. 486 00:34:11,820 --> 00:34:16,140 I like the idea that the part-time masturbating terrorist was also a piano tuner as well. 487 00:34:16,140 --> 00:34:19,060 - One of his many other jobs. - Indeed, indeed, 488 00:34:19,060 --> 00:34:23,660 - and a dental technician. - Also delivered the Baghdad exchange and mark. - Yes. 489 00:34:23,660 --> 00:34:28,980 On a clock face, how many times a day do the two hands overlap? 490 00:34:32,220 --> 00:34:36,980 This is definitely one to avoid answering at all costs. 491 00:34:36,980 --> 00:34:43,780 I mean... Isn't it every hour, surely? So 24, 12 times? 492 00:34:43,780 --> 00:34:47,180 ALARM SOUNDS 493 00:34:47,180 --> 00:34:49,740 Well you'd think it would be 24, 494 00:34:49,740 --> 00:34:52,020 you'd think it would until you reason thusly - 495 00:34:52,020 --> 00:34:54,460 that the first time it overlaps is at 12 o'clock. 496 00:34:54,460 --> 00:34:57,380 And then at five past one, and ten past two and quarter past three. 497 00:34:57,380 --> 00:35:00,180 Yes but you lose an hour, you lose one in 12. 498 00:35:00,180 --> 00:35:02,700 In fact we can show it speeded up and you can count. 499 00:35:02,700 --> 00:35:06,340 It starts with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 500 00:35:14,460 --> 00:35:17,580 I feel like I'm getting older. 501 00:35:17,580 --> 00:35:21,900 22 is the answer, yeah, and you can do the math! 502 00:35:21,900 --> 00:35:26,460 In as much as the hour hand moves forward to the one it takes a minute 503 00:35:26,460 --> 00:35:29,220 and a little more than 65 minutes to catch up with it, not 60. 504 00:35:29,220 --> 00:35:31,740 There are 1,440 minutes in the day, 505 00:35:31,740 --> 00:35:34,820 divided by 65 equals 22 and a tiny bit. 506 00:35:34,820 --> 00:35:38,860 So that's 22 overlaps a day. You look pleased. 507 00:35:38,860 --> 00:35:42,820 Can I just say, I used to think I was intelligent but I'm not. 508 00:35:42,820 --> 00:35:46,340 Oh, you are. It's one of those things, you can make up for it 509 00:35:46,340 --> 00:35:48,540 by telling us where the biggest clock face in Britain is. 510 00:35:48,540 --> 00:35:52,340 Is it going to be in a public place like a railway station? 511 00:35:52,340 --> 00:35:56,020 - Is it one of those, like, garden ones? Is it a floral? - No, it's not. 512 00:35:56,020 --> 00:35:57,940 - It's not far from here. - Palace of Westminster? 513 00:35:57,940 --> 00:36:01,700 ALARM Oh, no, I'm afraid it's not, no. 514 00:36:01,700 --> 00:36:05,740 It's not what is commonly called Big Ben or St Stephen's tower, 515 00:36:05,740 --> 00:36:08,900 it's not that one, though that is a jolly big one, that's 23ft in diameter. 516 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:10,700 The one we're after is opposite it. 517 00:36:10,700 --> 00:36:14,740 - Is it the wheel, the Millennium Wheel? - No, that doesn't count, 518 00:36:14,740 --> 00:36:17,580 it's opposite the Millennium Wheel, virtually. 519 00:36:17,580 --> 00:36:22,340 - Oh, the Shell building? - The Shell Mex building on The Strand, absolutely right. 520 00:36:22,340 --> 00:36:25,300 It's now the headquarters of Penguin, the publishers, 521 00:36:25,300 --> 00:36:27,420 there it is. Rather splendid - 522 00:36:27,420 --> 00:36:32,300 it's the biggest clock face in Britain. The second biggest after that 523 00:36:32,300 --> 00:36:36,620 is the Royal Liver Building clock which is also slightly bigger 524 00:36:36,620 --> 00:36:38,820 than what we'll call Big Ben. 525 00:36:38,820 --> 00:36:41,700 LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: That's it, the Liver Building now, like, eh? 526 00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:45,100 - Eh? - Eh? 527 00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:48,180 Now then! 528 00:36:48,180 --> 00:36:53,260 So, the hands on a clock overlap 22 times a day. 529 00:36:53,260 --> 00:36:55,900 Now, when was time immemorial? 530 00:36:55,900 --> 00:36:58,140 # The Simpsons! # 531 00:36:58,140 --> 00:37:00,860 LAUGHTER 532 00:37:02,700 --> 00:37:05,860 HUMS "THE SIMPSONS" THEME TUNE 533 00:37:08,180 --> 00:37:11,580 - The time before The Simpsons started? - That would count. 534 00:37:11,580 --> 00:37:16,300 - I don't understand what "time immemorial" means. - If you say, for example... 535 00:37:16,300 --> 00:37:22,340 If you can prove in a court of law that you've been grazing your sheep on some land since time immemorial, 536 00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:25,540 you don't have to re-justify your right to do it. 537 00:37:25,540 --> 00:37:32,420 - It's an established practice that has been done since time immemorial. - It doesn't mean "for ever"? - No. 538 00:37:32,420 --> 00:37:36,220 It specifically, originally meant the 6th of July, 1189. 539 00:37:36,220 --> 00:37:38,180 LAUGHTER 540 00:37:38,180 --> 00:37:45,020 There must have been a lot of excitement in the run-up to that. "It's time immemorial tomorrow!" 541 00:37:46,020 --> 00:37:49,860 - And there'd be... - "At last we can get things sorted. 542 00:37:49,860 --> 00:37:53,300 "Whatever's happening tomorrow, we stick to." 543 00:37:54,300 --> 00:37:59,940 It was the day of the coronation of a particular sovereign in our country. 544 00:37:59,940 --> 00:38:06,340 - Richard I. - You read History and that's damn good. It wasn't a wasted education. It was indeed Richard I 545 00:38:06,340 --> 00:38:09,220 who was crowned in 1189. 546 00:38:09,220 --> 00:38:13,500 It was decided then that the first Statute of Westminster, 547 00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:19,060 which was a few years after his reign, it defined his reign as the limit of legal memory. 548 00:38:19,060 --> 00:38:23,780 Did they have to raise such an army just to catch those two seagulls? 549 00:38:23,780 --> 00:38:26,980 LAUGHTER 550 00:38:26,980 --> 00:38:29,260 "There they are! 551 00:38:29,260 --> 00:38:31,820 "After them, men! 552 00:38:31,820 --> 00:38:34,980 "They've been flying since time immemorial!" 553 00:38:34,980 --> 00:38:41,180 The one on the right is saying, "I can't believe we're doing all this for those two poxy seagulls!" 554 00:38:41,180 --> 00:38:46,460 Do you think the French, when they saw them, thought, "Oh, my God, it's the Red Cross people! 555 00:38:46,460 --> 00:38:52,140 "Try and not meet their eye. Sorry, mate, I've got to go. I can't stop." 556 00:38:52,140 --> 00:38:56,260 What is the brakeman's job during a bobsleigh race? 557 00:38:56,260 --> 00:38:58,100 Oh, he puts the brakes on. 558 00:38:58,100 --> 00:39:00,220 ALARM SOUNDS Oh, Jo, no, no, no. 559 00:39:00,220 --> 00:39:03,180 I was just trying to move us on! 560 00:39:03,180 --> 00:39:08,940 He's the last one to jump on. He's the one who gives it the biggest push, he's the biggest, usually, 561 00:39:08,940 --> 00:39:12,060 he's the one who gets it really accelerating. 562 00:39:12,060 --> 00:39:17,420 You're not allowed to brake during the race cos you'd ruin the smooth surface of the ice. 563 00:39:17,420 --> 00:39:23,300 Um, there are other versions that are done on bobsleigh courses, such as luging, what does luging involve? 564 00:39:23,300 --> 00:39:25,220 - Going down on a tea tray. - Yeah, 565 00:39:25,220 --> 00:39:26,900 that's right. In which direction, as it were? 566 00:39:26,900 --> 00:39:29,980 Feet-first is luging, and what's the other one where you're head-first? 567 00:39:29,980 --> 00:39:32,620 - Suicide. - Yeah, you'd think! 568 00:39:32,620 --> 00:39:35,500 The Cresta Run is a skeleton which is where you're head-first 569 00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:38,420 and you slide down at incredible speed. 570 00:39:38,420 --> 00:39:44,100 There was a time in the late 19th century when the fastest people on the planet were the people 571 00:39:44,100 --> 00:39:46,340 who did the Cresta Run, until the invention of the aeroplane. 572 00:39:46,340 --> 00:39:50,900 - I've got a supplementary question which might help you get some points. - Can you remember 573 00:39:50,900 --> 00:39:52,820 which Caribbean country surprisingly came 29th in the 88th... 574 00:39:52,820 --> 00:39:55,300 "MASTERMIND" THEME Jamaica. 575 00:39:55,300 --> 00:39:58,380 ALARM Oh, dear. 576 00:39:58,380 --> 00:40:02,220 No, no, I'm afraid Jamaica came 30th. The surprising thing is 577 00:40:02,220 --> 00:40:06,900 there was another Caribbean country about which they didn't make a film. 578 00:40:06,900 --> 00:40:12,940 The film, as you see, there's John Candy, was Cool Runnings, a fine film. 579 00:40:12,940 --> 00:40:17,180 But for some reason they decided the heroic achievement 580 00:40:17,180 --> 00:40:21,540 of the Dutch Lesser Antilles team was not worthy of a film. 581 00:40:21,540 --> 00:40:28,740 - Just wasn't as cool as Jamaica, they don't have a Bob Marley figure I suppose. - But also, they've not got a catchy name for their country. 582 00:40:28,740 --> 00:40:31,820 It's confusing because it's got the nationality 583 00:40:31,820 --> 00:40:34,740 - of a different country in it. - And it's lesser. 584 00:40:34,740 --> 00:40:37,620 - Yeah, it's... - Dutch Lesser Antilles. 585 00:40:37,620 --> 00:40:40,260 Bizarre you should say that because it not longer exists - 586 00:40:40,260 --> 00:40:42,620 The Netherlands and Antilles went their separate ways 587 00:40:42,620 --> 00:40:45,180 and it ceased to exist in 2010 588 00:40:45,180 --> 00:40:49,620 and its national anthem when it did exist was called Anthem Without a Title. 589 00:40:49,620 --> 00:40:53,780 Because the title of our country is so poor we can't trust ourselves 590 00:40:53,780 --> 00:40:58,540 to think of another one. We'll call it French Song or something! 591 00:40:58,540 --> 00:41:03,700 It's terribly sad. Anyway, so that was the story of the Dutch Lesser Antilles 592 00:41:03,700 --> 00:41:05,700 and their famous bobsleigh team 593 00:41:05,700 --> 00:41:08,620 who came 29th in the '88 winter Olympics. 594 00:41:08,620 --> 00:41:12,340 It brings us to the end of this QI IQ test, 595 00:41:12,340 --> 00:41:17,380 so hand in your papers and I'll tally up the scores and oh, my goodness me! 596 00:41:17,380 --> 00:41:19,860 Well, it's very exciting, actually. 597 00:41:19,860 --> 00:41:21,900 Top of the class 598 00:41:21,900 --> 00:41:24,220 with four points 599 00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:26,660 is David Mitchell! 600 00:41:26,660 --> 00:41:28,700 APPLAUSE 601 00:41:31,500 --> 00:41:37,300 In second place with minus four is Phill Jupitus. 602 00:41:37,300 --> 00:41:40,260 APPLAUSE 603 00:41:44,500 --> 00:41:48,380 And in third place with minus eight is Jo Brand. 604 00:41:48,380 --> 00:41:51,180 APPLAUSE 605 00:41:53,060 --> 00:41:59,300 In clear last place with minus 16 is Alan Davies. 606 00:41:59,300 --> 00:42:00,860 APPLAUSE 607 00:42:02,260 --> 00:42:04,180 But... 608 00:42:04,180 --> 00:42:09,540 the clear, clear winner this week with an extraordinary 32 points 609 00:42:09,540 --> 00:42:12,660 is the magnificent Asimo! 610 00:42:12,660 --> 00:42:15,180 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 611 00:42:23,700 --> 00:42:30,060 So it's good night from David, Phill, Jo, Alan and not forgetting Asimo and me. 612 00:42:30,060 --> 00:42:35,900 And I just want to share with you the cover story of a recent National Geographic magazine, 613 00:42:35,900 --> 00:42:41,340 which is about the recreation by archaeologists at Gobekli Tepe in Turkey. 614 00:42:41,340 --> 00:42:47,180 It's the oldest temple in the world. Some people think it's the oldest building in the world. 615 00:42:47,180 --> 00:42:51,900 It's 11,600 years old and what excites me is that it looks like this. 616 00:42:51,900 --> 00:42:54,340 Does it remind you of anything? 617 00:42:54,340 --> 00:42:57,460 Good night. On that bombshell, good night. 618 00:42:58,420 --> 00:43:00,460 APPLAUSE 619 00:43:16,460 --> 00:43:20,500 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 620 00:43:20,500 --> 00:43:23,540 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net