1
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,900
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING;)

2
00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:32,900
Hello, good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

3
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,900
good evening, good evening,

4
00:00:34,900 --> 00:00:38,900
and welcome to QI, where tonight
we are looking for our keys.

5
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:41,900
To help us we have a key man,
Tim Minchin.

6
00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:44,900
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

7
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:46,900
A key woman, Isy Suttie!

8
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:49,900
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

9
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:52,900
A key player, Bill Bailey.

10
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:54,900
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

11
00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:58,900
And an allen key, Alan Davies!

12
00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:00,900
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

13
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:02,900
Ah, you see what he did there.

14
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:07,900
So, they've all got their keyboards.
Tim, give us an A.

15
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:08,900
"A" NOTE PLAYS

16
00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:10,900
That's an A.

17
00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:14,900
Isy, in the great tradition of
Blockbusters, I'd like an E, please.

18
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:15,900
"E" NOTE PLAYS

19
00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:17,900
Very nice. Bill, give us a G.

20
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:19,900
"G" NOTE PLAYS

21
00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:21,900
And Alan, give us a B.

22
00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:22,900
BEE BUZZES

23
00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:24,900
LAUGHTER

24
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:27,900
Aaah. Aaaah.

25
00:01:27,900 --> 00:01:29,900
We have given you
a musical instrument.

26
00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:30,900
I have got the thing here, but...

27
00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:32,900
BILL: Oh. A glockenspiel?

28
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:36,900
We didn't trust you with
anything electrical.

29
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:39,900
It's nice. It's something for you
to keep yourself occupied

30
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,900
if you don't know any answers.

31
00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:43,900
Bill could teach me a couple of
tunes during the record.
I bet Bill will, too.

32
00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:46,900
Here's a good one. There you go.
Here's a good one, look.

33
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,900
HE PLAYS TWO NOTES
There you are.

34
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,900
LAUGHTER

35
00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:52,900
It's Airport Announcement.

36
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:55,900
Airport Announcement, by Ravel.

37
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:58,900
By Ravel, yes.
It's a beautiful piece.

38
00:01:58,900 --> 00:01:59,900
Absolutely wonderful.

39
00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:02,900
FRENCH ACCENT: "An
announcement aeroport," yes.

40
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:04,900
Exactly. Do know any, any tunes?

41
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:07,900
French? No. I don't know any tunes.

42
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:08,900
HE PLAYS TWO NOTES

43
00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:10,900
Doorbell. Same, similar.
Oh, very good.

44
00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:13,900
I don't know who wrote whose first,
I imagine doorbell came first.

45
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:16,900
ISY: They're always in a major third,
as if to herald good news.

46
00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:18,900
Yes, exactly. Yeah.

47
00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:19,900
TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MAJOR THIRD

48
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,900
"Your flight is
delayed by eight hours."

49
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:23,900
"I don't feel so bad!"

50
00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:26,900
TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MINOR THIRD
"Boarding now." "Oh, no!"

51
00:02:26,900 --> 00:02:29,900
BILL: The best doorbells always
frighten people away.

52
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,900
PLAYS NOTES FROM
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND"

53
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:33,900
LAUGHTER

54
00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:36,900
Marvellous. You haven't played
anything for us yet, Isy,

55
00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:37,900
just get your fingers warm.

56
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:41,900
SHE PLAYS JAUNTY PIANO TUNE

57
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:45,900
That was the jazz version.
Wow! Pretty good.

58
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:46,900
BILL: That was great.

59
00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:50,900
Anyway, there we are.

60
00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,900
So, I'll give you the keys
to the city, all right?

61
00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:55,900
What's the first thing you'll do?

62
00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:56,900
NOTE PLAYS
Yes?

63
00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:58,900
I'd make a copy of them.

64
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:00,900
Clever. TIM: Yeah, good.

65
00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:03,900
In case I lock myself out
when I'm drunk.

66
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,900
And I'd give a copy to my cleaner.

67
00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:07,900
Very, very smart.

68
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,900
What else can you do with
the keys to the city?

69
00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:11,900
Drive a sheep across a bridge.

70
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,900
KLAXON BLARES

71
00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:14,900
Ah. What?!

72
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:19,900
No. I am a Freeman of the City
of London, as it happens.

73
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,900
Quite right. Oh, thank you.
Very disappointed if you weren't.

74
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,900
And I did drive, I did
drive a sheep over,

75
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,900
though in fact it was
flagrantly illegal.

76
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:27,900
It's just one of those myths.

77
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:30,900
Also that supposedly that you
can bear a sword in the city,

78
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,900
but that's not true, either.

79
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,900
Is there an actual door
that you can fit that in?

80
00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:37,900
No. No, there really isn't.
What do you actually get?

81
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:39,900
Do you actually get a key
in a nice presentation case?

82
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:41,900
No, you get a long
sort of parchment,

83
00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:46,900
wherein, heretofore,
let it be understood the City
and Corporation...

84
00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:48,900
There've been mayors
since 1213 and I said

85
00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:52,900
"You must feel pretty extraordinary
to be in a position that hasn't

86
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,900
changed for 800 years"
and there was a cough at my shoulder

87
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,900
and it was the sheriff of London.

88
00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:00,900
He said "There were
sheriffs of London 500 years

89
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:02,900
before the first mayor."

90
00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:05,900
He was in the 8th century,
the 700s.

91
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:10,900
Through plagues and fires
and all that. It's pretty amazing.

92
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:14,900
What does he do?
How does one sheriff these days?

93
00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:20,900
You wear extraordinary shrieval -
it's the adjective of sheriff -
shrieval laces and wigs.

94
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:25,900
In London you're free to trade
without having to pay
a toll at the bridge.

95
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:27,900
Today, it's a purely symbolic
honour.

96
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:30,900
The City of London Police
do not permit sheep

97
00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:34,900
to be taken across the bridge
aside from the occasional
publicity stunt.

98
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,900
The City of London Police are
so boring.

99
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:41,900
You can't do that there. Oh, come
on. Freedom.

100
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:43,900
BILL: Is there anything you can do?

101
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:46,900
I mean is there anything... You can
go naked, or something, or...?

102
00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:47,900
No, no real rights.

103
00:04:47,900 --> 00:04:49,900
I mean if you are poor,
you can access some

104
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:50,900
educational and charitable funds.

105
00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:53,900
Dick Whittington, probably the most
famous London Lord Mayor,

106
00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:56,900
in the early 15th century, left
money in trust for water troughs

107
00:04:56,900 --> 00:05:00,900
and children's education, and that
charity is still giving out money.

108
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:03,900
Really? It's been wisely invested.
That's pretty amazing, isn't it?

109
00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:06,900
There are other people to get
freedoms of cities.

110
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:11,900
To whom do you think Detroit gave
the key of their city in 1980?

111
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:12,900
Diana Ross.

112
00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,900
No, it wasn't Diana Ross,
you'd think it would be a...

113
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,900
Someone off of Motown. Gary Numan.

114
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,900
It should be a Motown star.
Wasn't Gary Numan.

115
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:20,900
Gary Numan? No. What wrote Cars?

116
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:22,900
No. That would be good.
No, it wasn't.

117
00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:24,900
It was actually Saddam Hussein.

118
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:26,900
AUDIENCE LAUGH AND MURMUR

119
00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:27,900
What? Well, they're sick of him.
What?!

120
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:30,900
It's the usual pattern.
In 1980, he was our friend.

121
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:31,900
He was a friend. Yeah.
Of course.

122
00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:33,900
The City of Toronto
has given the key to

123
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,900
Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela
and Mickey Mouse.

124
00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:38,900
LAUGHTER

125
00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:41,900
Never seen in the same room.
Pathetic, the Dalai Lama?! Why him?

126
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:42,900
The Dalai Lama, what was it?

127
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:44,900
Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.

128
00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:46,900
Ah, my perfect Sunday.

129
00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,900
LAUGHTER
Those three round for dinner.

130
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:54,900
Corona, California, gave a cat
the freedom of its city limits.

131
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:56,900
Oh, that's stupid, isn't it?

132
00:05:56,900 --> 00:05:58,900
Because the cat had hit the
Guinness Book of Records

133
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,900
by being the tallest
cat in the world.

134
00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:05,900
And, because we're QI, we rang up
the city of Corona, and it's true.

135
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,900
They were very pleased to have it
verified for us.

136
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:12,900
But Cher upset Australians in 2012,

137
00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:16,900
when she sold her key
to Adelaide on eBay.

138
00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:18,900
Oh. She got 96,000 dollars for it.

139
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,900
Wow! What?! Yeah.

140
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:23,900
Someone paid 96 grand for a
symbolic key to Adelaide?

141
00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:26,900
To Adelaide,
not even Melbourne or Sydney!

142
00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:28,900
I mean, I like Adelaide,
but that's...

143
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:30,900
BILL: It's a lot though, isn't it?
I don't want a key.

144
00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:34,900
She responded to the inevitable
backlash on Twitter.

145
00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:35,900
She said...

146
00:06:42,900 --> 00:06:44,900
F'd up. Fudged.
Fudged up, yeah.

147
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:48,900
Friend. So, there you are.
Flowled. Flower-up.

148
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:50,900
Flagaba...

149
00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:51,900
Keep guessing. I don't know.

150
00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:55,900
Fruity. Flannel. Flannel up.

151
00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:57,900
Flannel up and wait for me.

152
00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,900
POSH VOICE: "Flannel up!

153
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:03,900
"Clean yourself and flannel up.
I'll be up in five minutes!

154
00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:06,900
I have to flannel you down!

155
00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:11,900
"And put on the special ointment!"

156
00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:14,900
Bring me another one,
this one's flannelled-out.

157
00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:17,900
Oh, dear. All right, OK.
I like a flannel.

158
00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:22,900
What key part did bigots play in
the Second World War?

159
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,900
What do you mean...? You're
talking...

160
00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:28,900
Not that kind of bigot. BIGOT being
a diversionary tactic.

161
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:32,900
That's a bit of a minor description.
I think it is.

162
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:38,900
This word is... Oh, he was a bigot,
was he? The more I hear about him...

163
00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:42,900
Is it an acronym for something?
"Big-oh". No, it's British.

164
00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:44,900
Churchill chose it. Oh, really?

165
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:50,900
Beware, I've Got One...Trouser.

166
00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:52,900
Beware, I've Got One Trouser?

167
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:57,900
I'm Going Out Tomorrow.

168
00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:03,900
Blimey, I've Got..Owls...Turned.

169
00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,900
He's so shit at I Spy.

170
00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:15,900
BIGOT stands for British Invasion
of German Occupied Territory.

171
00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:20,900
So there's Monty and Winnie and
they're looking at a map and
planning... To flannel over there.

172
00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:26,900
D-Day... Chaps, got your flannel?

173
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:28,900
Everybody got their flannel?

174
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:33,900
Churchill was the only person who
Monty would let smoke.

175
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:36,900
It was so secret that anyone
who knew any

176
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:40,900
details of the Normandy landings,
they were on the BIGOT list

177
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:43,900
and they were not allowed under any
circumstances to leave the country.

178
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,900
The only exception was
Churchill himself.

179
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,900
No-one on the BIGOT list was
allowed out of Britain.

180
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,900
Indeed, there was a rehearsal
for the invasion

181
00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:54,900
and ten people on the BIGOT
list were killed accidentally.

182
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,900
All plans for the invasion
were put on hold

183
00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:59,900
until they could account for every
single one of the bodies

184
00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:03,900
just to be absolutely sure so the
secret didn't get out. Well...

185
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:07,900
It's got out now, yes.

186
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:12,900
It wasn't that it was unlikely, that
it wouldn't happen. England's there.
France is there.

187
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,900
I know but we did everything
we possibly could to

188
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:17,900
persuade them that it was going to
be further across towards Belgium

189
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:21,900
and they withheld divisions further
away from Normandy where we landed

190
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,900
precisely because... Fake landing.

191
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:26,900
..they fell for some
of the spies - the Zigzag man

192
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,900
and that poor old chap who
was a dead body

193
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,900
who was dressed as
though he was an important officer

194
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:33,900
and dropped in the sea
outside Gibraltar

195
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:36,900
with a chained briefcase with plans
and they gave him a whole life.

196
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:39,900
He was called the man who never was.
There was a film of it.

197
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,900
Who was he?

198
00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:44,900
He was probably a very sad down and
out Welsh chap who died very young

199
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:47,900
and had been found sleeping rough
somewhere and they dressed him up

200
00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:50,900
smartly to look like an officer.
You wouldn't have to do that now.

201
00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:52,900
You would just get
someone from Big Brother.

202
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:55,900
People would volunteer for it.

203
00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,900
Certainly the rest of us would.

204
00:09:57,900 --> 00:10:01,900
The surprise is you're going to be
killed and you're a fake general.

205
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:02,900
OMG!

206
00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:07,900
It's a good film. If you ever see it
coming round on Channel 4,

207
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:10,900
it's the sort of thing that pops up
now and again. Yes, I will.

208
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:13,900
It's funny he didn't know when he was
alive what a key part he'd play

209
00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:14,900
when he was dead.

210
00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:17,900
I know.
Operation Mincemeat, it was called.

211
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:19,900
You can sign up to this service

212
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:25,900
when you're alive which
monitors your Tweets and Facebook

213
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:30,900
and when you're dead, it
continues to Tweet as you

214
00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:34,900
until an executor of the will who
you've nominated tells it to stop.

215
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:39,900
While you're alive, you give it
feedback as to how good it is. What?!

216
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:41,900
I'm starting this business... No!

217
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:46,900
It already exists. That's bizarre.

218
00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:48,900
And you can set how long
it goes on till?

219
00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:53,900
You give someone's name and say this
person makes the decision as to when

220
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:55,900
the virtual me dies.

221
00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:58,900
You give it feedback so if it's
slightly funnier than you are,

222
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,900
you say, it's quite good,
but bring it down a notch.

223
00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:06,900
So somebody's employed to be you
after you're dead.

224
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,900
Or just you going dead, dead,
dead, still dead?

225
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:14,900
Then your followers go up.
Ooh, he's dead, dead.

226
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:16,900
You know with one's contact list
when people die,

227
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:19,900
I never have the heart to cut them
out so I have

228
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:21,900
friends that have been dead 10, 12,

229
00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:23,900
15 years who are still
in my address book.

230
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,900
Have they ever called?

231
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:28,900
They manifestly haven't called
and I haven't called them

232
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:31,900
but the act of going delete seems
so...

233
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,900
I've done the same thing
but the good thing is

234
00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:37,900
if someone dead does call you,
you'll know it's them.

235
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:41,900
I'll know not to answer it.

236
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:45,900
Of course that number might be
reused. They do recycle them

237
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:46,900
so it is possible that one day...

238
00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:48,900
That would be
the shock of one's life.

239
00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:52,900
In fact it's probable that
coincidence will happen.

240
00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:56,900
Someone who's got the old number
of a dead person will accidentally
ring a person who...

241
00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:58,900
I can't wait till that happens.

242
00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:01,900
Very exciting.

243
00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:03,900
Now, secrecy,
in the least order upwards,

244
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:05,900
what's the word for the least
secret document?

245
00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:12,900
For anyone's eyes only. Yes,
basically it's "unclassified".

246
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:18,900
Then "protect", then "restricted",
then up to... Up to look over there!

247
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:25,900
"Confidential" and then... I'm going
to have to kill you.

248
00:12:25,900 --> 00:12:29,900
"Secret" then...
Top secret. Top secret. Yes.

249
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:31,900
It used to be, not top secret but...

250
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,900
Most secret. Most secret.

251
00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:36,900
We're going to use this
Americanism now - top secret.

252
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:38,900
Most secret's so British, isn't it?

253
00:12:38,900 --> 00:12:40,900
Most secret.

254
00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:42,900
Totes secret.

255
00:12:42,900 --> 00:12:45,900
NERDY VOICE: There are some UFO
conspiracy theorists

256
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:51,900
who will tell you that there are 38,
38 levels of secrecy above

257
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:53,900
top secret.
Why are you talking like this?

258
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:58,900
Because these are UFO conspiracy
theories. Is that how they talk?

259
00:12:58,900 --> 00:12:59,900
They all talk like that.

260
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:03,900
NERDY VOICE: They all talk like that.

261
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:05,900
You can laugh. All right,
I will. Ha ha ha ha.

262
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:07,900
You'll be laughing on the other
side of your face

263
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:09,900
when you've been probed.

264
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:11,900
Yes.

265
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:13,900
The next level is "cosmic".

266
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:19,900
Even the President of the US
does not have cosmic clearance.

267
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:25,900
Really? Who does? Look it up. It's
all there. It's true. Totally true.

268
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:28,900
That's my favourite
thing about conspiracy theorists.

269
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:33,900
This is something that the president
doesn't know but I've figured it out!

270
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:34,900
Typing away.

271
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:36,900
Fantastic, isn't it?

272
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,900
What is CANUKUS' eyes only?

273
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,900
I beg your pardon?
CANUKUS' eyes only.

274
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:45,900
Is there a creature called a canukus

275
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:47,900
and it's the only thing that's
allowed to look at it?

276
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:51,900
But it can't speak
and therefore will never tell anyone.

277
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:56,900
United States? No. Not bad.
Canada, UK and the United States.

278
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:03,900
CANUKUS. CANUKUS.
There's AUSCANNZUKUS

279
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:06,900
which is known as the five eyes,

280
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:09,900
which is Australia, New Zealand,
Canada, US and UK.

281
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,900
There's also, basically,
don't tell the French.

282
00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:13,900
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

283
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:22,900
BIGOTS were the key men in planning
the D-Day landings.

284
00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:23,900
Now, what's the best way to keep

285
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,900
the Open Organisation
of Lockpickers

286
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,900
out of your homes?

287
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:33,900
Bucket of water over the door,
a rake on the floor,

288
00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:37,900
two miniature beds of nails
and a very hungry tiger.

289
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:40,900
And you put all that outside
the potential lockpicker's door,

290
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:42,900
so that they can't even
leave their home.

291
00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,900
Ah. You don't need to,
is the point, actually.

292
00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:48,900
The fact is, they are
incredibly moral and ethical.

293
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:52,900
This organisation, which is
literally called TOOOL.

294
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:54,900
The Organisation - there it is.

295
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:56,900
The Open Organisation
of Lockpickers.

296
00:14:56,900 --> 00:14:58,900
BILL: No, this is made-up.
It's Dutch. Is it?

297
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:01,900
It's a Dutch organisation
of recreational lockpickers.

298
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:04,900
LAUGHTER

299
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:06,900
They claim to have a good purpose,

300
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:07,900
they help spread
the word in security

301
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:11,900
and show how things can be picked,
but the point is, you're not allowed

302
00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:14,900
ever, in this organisation, to pick
a lock that doesn't belong to you.

303
00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:15,900
That's how moral they are.

304
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:17,900
Well, that's boring, isn't it?

305
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,900
Pick a lock...
That's when they're meeting,

306
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,900
but when they're
professionally being lockpickers...

307
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:23,900
DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, what a crazy
bunch of guys.

308
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:27,900
"Let's go and pick some locks,
but not someone we don't know.

309
00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:31,900
"OK. What a crazy time
we're going to have."

310
00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:33,900
"How come it's only me today?"

311
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:34,900
LAUGHTER

312
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:38,900
"I am such a toool." Yeah.

313
00:15:38,900 --> 00:15:41,900
Many of TOOOL's members
are obviously lock-makers

314
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:42,900
and locksmiths.

315
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,900
There they are,
tools of their trade. Wow.

316
00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:47,900
It's incredible how you can have
such a specific skill in one area

317
00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:50,900
and be so bad with fonts.

318
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,900
Yes. Very true.

319
00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:54,900
It's non-overlapping magisteria.

320
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:58,900
It is not an overlapping
magisterian. Lock picking and fonts.

321
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:01,900
There's probably a fonts
organisation, as well. Yeah.

322
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:02,900
Let's be honest.

323
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,900
Who cannot get into their house.
That's right.

324
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:07,900
Do you know about Alfred C Hobbs?

325
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,900
He was a great American lockpicker
and lockmaker.

326
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:12,900
He came to Britain
for the Great Exhibition

327
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:15,900
Our great safemaker,
lockmaker was...

328
00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:18,900
He was a nice stout-sounding name.
Chubb. Chubb.

329
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:22,900
Chubb safes and Chubb locks
and they had an amazing Chubb

330
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:25,900
detector lock which was so subtle

331
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:28,900
and clever in the mid-19th century
that if it detected someone

332
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:31,900
was trying to pick it, its tumblers
would all fall down and even

333
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:32,900
the key for it would no longer fit.

334
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:35,900
You'd have to destroy it to open it.
He picked that in seven minutes.

335
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:39,900
Wow. Astonishing everybody
and horrifying Chubb, of course,

336
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,900
because they had the Bank of England
account, apart from anything else.

337
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:46,900
The Bank of England then replaced
its Chubb locks with Hobbs locks.

338
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:49,900
Good old American huckstering
salesmanship and know-how.

339
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:52,900
It was a highly successful
visit for Mr Hobbs.

340
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:55,900
Yes, it was till
he got locked in a toilet somewhere.

341
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,900
Who in poetic law
laughs at locksmiths?

342
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,900
The Queen.

343
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:06,900
"Ha ha ha." No.

344
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:10,900
The first Tuesday of every month.

345
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:11,900
"The official laughing at
locksmiths.

346
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,900
"Locksmiths are lining up.
She is now braying in their faces,

347
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,900
"snorting derisively..." No.

348
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:20,900
"You can't open it. Ha ha ha!"

349
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:22,900
Audience, who laughs at locksmiths?

350
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:24,900
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Love.

351
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:25,900
Love laughs at locksmiths.

352
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,900
Oh. You lock the girl up, you lock
the boy up, or you put locked

353
00:17:28,900 --> 00:17:32,900
barriers between them and they'll
always find a way through to
each other. BILL: Aww.

354
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:33,900
Except they don't, do they? No.

355
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:36,900
If you lock...
They won't, will they?

356
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:39,900
No. That's the trouble with poetry.

357
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:41,900
It's bollocks. I hate it.

358
00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:43,900
They just need a good lock.
It raises false hopes.

359
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:46,900
All you need is your lock to be
slightly smarter than the two

360
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,900
people in love and really
dumb people are in love,

361
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,900
and there are really good locks.
That's ridiculous!

362
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:52,900
You're right, you're right.

363
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,900
Oh, well.

364
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:57,900
Speaking of keys, what's the
key part of an arch?

365
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:01,900
BILL PLAYS NOTES
Yes, Bill?

366
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:03,900
Your light came on first.
Was that you, sorry?

367
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:05,900
That's the trouble
with these things.

368
00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:07,900
You can't tell who it is.

369
00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:09,900
Do that chord again and I'll know.
We only know the same chord.

370
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:13,900
We're both... We play in C.
The keystone is the...

371
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:15,900
KLAXON BLARES

372
00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:18,900
I'm Alan Davies.

373
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:20,900
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

374
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:27,900
It is commonplace to use the word
keystone as being the thing

375
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:29,900
that makes the arch work,
but it isn't true.

376
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,900
It's not the most important.

377
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:33,900
All the arch stones, or
"voussoirs" are equally important.

378
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:36,900
But it is the last piece to
go in and finishes rather

379
00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:39,900
beautifully the arrangement,
as it were. Yes.

380
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:42,900
In Roman times, they'd get
the constructor of the arch to

381
00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:45,900
stand right under the arch when the

382
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,900
support scaffolding
was taken away,

383
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:50,900
just to show that he had
faith enough in his own...

384
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:53,900
Well, it's natural selection
of arch builders, isn't it?

385
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:57,900
"Is that guy any good?"
Well, he's still here. Exactly.

386
00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,900
I like that idea of getting people
to test things. It's like going to a

387
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:03,900
barbecue and getting someone to try
the sausage before you'll eat it.

388
00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:04,900
Oh, don't. BILL: Oh, yeah.

389
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:07,900
There are certain things
that you can only test by using.

390
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:08,900
So it's then useless.

391
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:12,900
I mean, a ring-pull, essentially,
you say, "I wonder
if this ring-pull will work."

392
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:16,900
Whoosh! "Oh, yes, it does.
Good, now... Oh, you can't..."

393
00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:18,900
Same with air bags,
I suppose and other such things.

394
00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:21,900
I've really tried to get the
air bag to come out, but it's...

395
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:25,900
No? No luck? No, if you drive,
really whack the dashboard

396
00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:28,900
really hard with a mallet
or something and...

397
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:31,900
Well, you realise how much force
it is by just trying to

398
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:34,900
walk into a wall at two miles an
hour and your body won't let you.

399
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:35,900
It just won't.

400
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,900
LAUGHTER

401
00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:40,900
Hands will go up.
No, no, no. I've done that.

402
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:41,900
By mistake when...

403
00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:43,900
I did that after a night on here.

404
00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:45,900
Yes, when drunk or
texting or something.

405
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:47,900
But, I mean, if you actually
consciously say,

406
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,900
"I'm going to
walk into this wall..."

407
00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:51,900
Only two miles an hour,
not three miles an hour,

408
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:53,900
and you just, pah,
your hand goes up.

409
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,900
You can't stop it. It's a
reflex, it's so strong.

410
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:57,900
Is there a wall here?
I'd like to see you not do that.

411
00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:59,900
LAUGHTER

412
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:02,900
I've got this image of you not being
able to walk at 2mph into a wall.

413
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:06,900
2mph, that's...
What's a normal walking pace? 4mph?

414
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:09,900
So that's half speed.
Half normal walking speed.

415
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:11,900
It's still enough to
break your nose.

416
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:13,900
It would break your nose.

417
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:18,900
Is it the theory that, if you're
walking at exactly 2mph, magic
happens?

418
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:23,900
You've got to get it exactly right.
I mean, just kind of slowly walk
into a wall.

419
00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:25,900
Try it at home.
LAUGHTER

420
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:28,900
That's all I'm saying.
Maybe it's just me being a coward.

421
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:30,900
It will take more than
an hour to go two miles

422
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:33,900
if you keep walking into walls,
wouldn't it? It's true.

423
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,900
That's the interesting thing
about that. That's true.

424
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:38,900
So, the fact of the matter
is that keystones are no more

425
00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:40,900
important than any of
the other stones in an arch.

426
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:44,900
Why were the keys in a QWERTY
keyboard arranged the way they are?

427
00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:49,900
Ah, now, this is that it makes it
more difficult to type.

428
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:50,900
LAUGHTER

429
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:52,900
That's right.
And they wanted to slow...

430
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:54,900
KLAXON BLARES

431
00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:57,900
"They wanted to slow..."
you were saying...

432
00:20:57,900 --> 00:20:58,900
Typists down. Typists down. No.

433
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,900
What it is, is the ones that most
commonly are done together

434
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:05,900
in English were put furthest apart,
so they were less likely to jam.

435
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:07,900
So, in fact, it was in order
to allow you to type

436
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:09,900
more smoothly and speedily,

437
00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:12,900
so that you didn't get the jamming
of the keys as they came up

438
00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:14,900
and hit each other. Oh, I see.

439
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:17,900
Of course, these days, we don't use
mechanical typewriters in that

440
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:20,900
way, with the keys flopping up.
That's how I learnt to type.

441
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:24,900
Enormous typewriters. I was tiny.

442
00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:27,900
LAUGHTER

443
00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:30,900
I loved typewriters so much,
I was obsessed with them.

444
00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:33,900
Really?
Absolutely adored them, yeah.

445
00:21:33,900 --> 00:21:36,900
Stephen! Dinner's ready. Aaargh!

446
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:38,900
Do you know, it's true,

447
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:40,900
I once copied out a whole novel
on the typewriter.

448
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:42,900
Did you? Just to practise.

449
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:45,900
Yeah, because I enjoyed
the experience of typing so much.

450
00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:48,900
Just to, yeah. While other people
were getting on with their lives,
you were doing that.

451
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:51,900
Yeah. What can I tell you?
It's the sort of man you are.

452
00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:54,900
I'm sad. I'm so modest.
What, what novel was it?

453
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:56,900
It was Frozen Assets,
by PG Wodehouse.

454
00:21:56,900 --> 00:21:59,900
It's not one of his best-known
novels.
BILL SNIGGERS

455
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:01,900
Look, I'm sorry!

456
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:05,900
It's amazing you've come
so far, isn't it?

457
00:22:07,900 --> 00:22:10,900
What should I have been doing?
Anything else!

458
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:12,900
Listening to Flink Poyd or
something?

459
00:22:12,900 --> 00:22:18,900
Yes. Clearly I was just lying
somewhere wasting my life

460
00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:23,900
when I should have been copying out
novels on some archaic old
bit of kit.

461
00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:26,900
"Yes, what I like to do
in my spare time,

462
00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:34,900
"I write out Proust, I use my nail
and I chip it into an old flint."

463
00:22:34,900 --> 00:22:37,900
I can't help it. "No, get off,
Nanny, I haven't finished yet."

464
00:22:37,900 --> 00:22:40,900
You're such a bully!

465
00:22:41,900 --> 00:22:46,900
You're mean. Sir, sir,
Fry's copying out novels again.

466
00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:50,900
Sir, he's chipping them,
he's using a hammer and a chisel,

467
00:22:50,900 --> 00:22:56,900
he's chiselled out War And Peace
on the South Downs.

468
00:22:56,900 --> 00:23:00,900
You really do live
a different life to all the rest,

469
00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:02,900
you're not like us, are you?

470
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:05,900
You're another, you're not a mortal.
Clearly not.

471
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:07,900
You're like sent from
some other planet.

472
00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:10,900
You are, the planet Aesthete,
that's what you are.

473
00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:15,900
I have cosmic clearance. Yes, you
do. You know when it's all going to
end.

474
00:23:15,900 --> 00:23:17,900
I always thought I was normal,
and now I... No, you're not.

475
00:23:17,900 --> 00:23:20,900
Oh, well, anyway...
You're a freak.

476
00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:25,900
You can reprieve my fury
at you by telling me

477
00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:28,900
a word that can be
typed on the top line.

478
00:23:28,900 --> 00:23:30,900
It's quite pleasing.

479
00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:32,900
Twiquminator...

480
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:34,900
Typewriter.

481
00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:39,900
Ah! It's nice, isn't it?

482
00:23:39,900 --> 00:23:41,900
It's just a coincidence,
typewriter across the top?

483
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:47,900
Yes, I believe so. There are a lot
of people who believe...
A lot of conspiracy theory.

484
00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:52,900
People who believe it was brought to
us by falcons from the planet
Bletch.

485
00:23:52,900 --> 00:23:57,900
Now, what starts with K
and is killed by curiosity?

486
00:23:57,900 --> 00:23:59,900
A kitten.

487
00:23:59,900 --> 00:24:04,900
Oh! Oh, no. I'm sorry.

488
00:24:04,900 --> 00:24:07,900
It's an animal species,
but not a cat.

489
00:24:07,900 --> 00:24:09,900
A lot of these begin with Ks...
Kangaroo.

490
00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:11,900
No, but you're in the right
hemisphere. Koala.

491
00:24:11,900 --> 00:24:13,900
Again, right hemisphere,
not the right country. Kiwi.

492
00:24:13,900 --> 00:24:16,900
Sorry? Kiwi? Kiwi.
You're the right type of animal.

493
00:24:16,900 --> 00:24:19,900
Kora. A kea.
Kea is the right answer. Very good.

494
00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:22,900
A kea is? A New Zealand parrot.
A flightless bird.

495
00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:25,900
No, it's not flightless,
oddly enough, it's a parrot.

496
00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:27,900
And there was a bounty put on them
some years ago.

497
00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:29,900
Kea, which as you can see,
look quite ravenous,

498
00:24:29,900 --> 00:24:32,900
they look almost like eagles,
but they are parrots,

499
00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:36,900
would ride the sheep, peck at them
and eat the fat off the poor sheep.

500
00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:39,900
And so there was a bounty
put on their heads

501
00:24:39,900 --> 00:24:43,900
and New Zealanders found
keas were very curious animals.

502
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:47,900
It's partly a result of having grown
up in a country with no mammals

503
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:48,900
for millions of years.

504
00:24:48,900 --> 00:24:52,900
Anyway, what you do is, you stand
behind a rock and wait for a kea

505
00:24:52,900 --> 00:24:55,900
to come along, and then you drop
behind the rock and disappear.

506
00:24:55,900 --> 00:24:58,900
And the kea thinks, that's odd.

507
00:24:58,900 --> 00:25:00,900
And he wanders up
and he takes a look over,

508
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:03,900
and you just, with your club,
just go bang, like that.

509
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:06,900
Then, that's the beauty of it,
you've only just started,

510
00:25:06,900 --> 00:25:10,900
because you don't have to move, you
take the kea and you put it down.

511
00:25:10,900 --> 00:25:12,900
The kea's friend goes,
"Where's Kevin?"

512
00:25:12,900 --> 00:25:15,900
Where's Kevin! Wanders round,
comes along like that.

513
00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:19,900
Are they all called Kevin?
Then you drop down and disappear,
and he goes, "What happened there?

514
00:25:19,900 --> 00:25:21,900
"There was someone, then there
wasn't. How does that happen?"

515
00:25:21,900 --> 00:25:23,900
And he looks over, bash, like that.

516
00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:26,900
"Where's Keith?"
And so on, all the way through.

517
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:29,900
All the Ks. You get a huge
swag bag of kea.

518
00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:32,900
They're not the brightest of birds.
They're not the brightest.

519
00:25:32,900 --> 00:25:34,900
But the point is,
they never needed to be.

520
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:38,900
Because New Zealand, just apart from
a few bats, never had any mammals...

521
00:25:38,900 --> 00:25:40,900
That's true. All they needed to do
was mate and survive.

522
00:25:40,900 --> 00:25:43,900
The kakapo, for example,
another type of parrot,

523
00:25:43,900 --> 00:25:46,900
the only thing likely to predate
on it was a vast eagle

524
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:50,900
that used to live in New Zealand
called the Haast's eagle

525
00:25:50,900 --> 00:25:53,900
and so the kakapo solved that
by becoming nocturnal like the kiwi.

526
00:25:53,900 --> 00:25:55,900
So it could be afraid of nothing.

527
00:25:55,900 --> 00:26:00,900
It developed this extraordinary
mating ritual which is
just beyond belief.

528
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:05,900
It's called the bowl and track.
It's the only example of this
particular version.

529
00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:12,900
It would dig a bowl, a crater then a
path towards it, the track that it
would immaculately pick clean

530
00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:15,900
and then it would
sit for months during the mating
season.

531
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,900
It has this huge booming sac.

532
00:26:17,900 --> 00:26:22,900
It sounds like a giant blowing
across a beer bottle. Whoo noise.

533
00:26:22,900 --> 00:26:25,900
It would boom and boom
and the females in the valley

534
00:26:25,900 --> 00:26:28,900
below would listen to the boom
they most liked and waddle up.

535
00:26:28,900 --> 00:26:31,900
If by some terrible chance,
a leaf had fallen on the track,

536
00:26:31,900 --> 00:26:33,900
the female would turn and walk away.

537
00:26:33,900 --> 00:26:36,900
The poor old male would have
to pick it clean

538
00:26:36,900 --> 00:26:37,900
and go back to booming again.

539
00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:40,900
Sometimes three years would pass,
booming away,

540
00:26:40,900 --> 00:26:42,900
not getting his rocks off.

541
00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:46,900
The only evolutionary pressure on
this bird is to get laid. That's it.

542
00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:48,900
There's nothing else.

543
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:52,900
It's fat, stupid, nocturnal horny
bird and he couldn't even get laid.

544
00:26:52,900 --> 00:26:55,900
That's like my life.

545
00:26:55,900 --> 00:26:58,900
Kiwis aren't the most exciting
birds, I have seen kiwis.

546
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:02,900
Have you burrowed into one of their
dens? No, I haven't bothered
to do that.

547
00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:04,900
I did. It's exciting.

548
00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:07,900
There's one on YouTube
playing the piano.

549
00:27:07,900 --> 00:27:10,900
Oh! No, no.
Falling down an escalator.

550
00:27:10,900 --> 00:27:12,900
I've seen them in special areas,
you know.

551
00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:15,900
I went out with this guide
and he found one, and he said,

552
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:16,900
"Get in there, get in there."

553
00:27:16,900 --> 00:27:19,900
And so I burrowed and burrowed
and burrowed and burrowed.

554
00:27:19,900 --> 00:27:22,900
And you just see this little eye
winking at you,

555
00:27:22,900 --> 00:27:25,900
and that long wonderful beak,
and it just winked.

556
00:27:25,900 --> 00:27:28,900
Aah. And I winked back
and then sort of...

557
00:27:28,900 --> 00:27:31,900
With a little look that just says,
"you just destroyed my house."

558
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:34,900
Yeah. I was careful not to.

559
00:27:34,900 --> 00:27:38,900
Aaah. Aah, lovely!
It took three years to make this.

560
00:27:38,900 --> 00:27:40,900
The New Zealand government,

561
00:27:40,900 --> 00:27:43,900
they were given two pandas by the
Chinese government in return for

562
00:27:43,900 --> 00:27:47,900
two kiwis, and I just thought it was
a bit of a swiz, you know.

563
00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:51,900
It's like New Zealand, you know,
the zoo in Auckland, all these

564
00:27:51,900 --> 00:27:54,900
people going, aah, look at them,
look at the pandas, and aah!

565
00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:56,900
Some zoo in Beijing,
people going, what?

566
00:27:56,900 --> 00:28:01,900
What are they? These kiwis don't
even sneeze. They don't, nothing.

567
00:28:01,900 --> 00:28:02,900
Very good, very good, very good.

568
00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:05,900
Now, what is this woman doing,
though?

569
00:28:06,900 --> 00:28:11,900
What the...? Is this Lady Gaga's
new album cover, is it?

570
00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:16,900
She's wearing a...
It's an experiment.

571
00:28:16,900 --> 00:28:19,900
No, she's using a device
that's for sale, or was for sale,

572
00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:21,900
it was built in 1929.

573
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:24,900
A new device. Knitting jumpers?

574
00:28:24,900 --> 00:28:27,900
Patented by Dr Kurt Johnen,
it records the motions

575
00:28:27,900 --> 00:28:28,900
and bodily reactions.

576
00:28:28,900 --> 00:28:31,900
A lady is pictured being
examined by the device.

577
00:28:31,900 --> 00:28:35,900
A pneumatic belt records the change
of the circumference of her chest.

578
00:28:35,900 --> 00:28:40,900
Pneumatic cuffs above the upper arms
control the changes of muscle
tension.

579
00:28:40,900 --> 00:28:43,900
Through a hose is recorded
the rhythms of respiration,

580
00:28:43,900 --> 00:28:46,900
and another hose transfers
the strength of touch.

581
00:28:46,900 --> 00:28:48,900
It's a sex toy.
You would think, wouldn't you?

582
00:28:48,900 --> 00:28:52,900
But what about her hands? That's
the clue, and our theme today?

583
00:28:52,900 --> 00:28:53,900
Piano, she's learning piano.

584
00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:57,900
Piano? A keyboard.
Yes, it's a piano teaching machine.

585
00:28:57,900 --> 00:28:59,900
Oh. Oh. Extraordinary, isn't it?

586
00:28:59,900 --> 00:29:02,900
Wow. It's supposed to help you
with your piano playing.

587
00:29:02,900 --> 00:29:04,900
Your posture, your breathing.

588
00:29:04,900 --> 00:29:06,900
There have been many others
along those lines.

589
00:29:06,900 --> 00:29:09,900
There was the Chiroplast,
which was clamped to the piano

590
00:29:09,900 --> 00:29:12,900
and trapped the player's arms,
that's the one on the left,

591
00:29:12,900 --> 00:29:15,900
so you were forced to play using
only your wrist and finger action.

592
00:29:15,900 --> 00:29:17,900
You were then crippled.

593
00:29:17,900 --> 00:29:21,900
The one in the middle was the
Dactylion, from the Greek "dactyl",
meaning finger.

594
00:29:21,900 --> 00:29:24,900
A contraption designed to
strengthen the fingers, because

595
00:29:24,900 --> 00:29:27,900
they're springs that you're going
against in that middle picture.

596
00:29:27,900 --> 00:29:29,900
And it's said that
Robert Schumann used that

597
00:29:29,900 --> 00:29:32,900
and it actually hurt his fingers.

598
00:29:32,900 --> 00:29:35,900
Though others say
that was syphilis.

599
00:29:35,900 --> 00:29:38,900
It's a fine line, isn't it?
It is a fine line. Oh, always.

600
00:29:38,900 --> 00:29:43,900
When you're into fingering,
syphilis is never far away.

601
00:29:43,900 --> 00:29:46,900
Next to that is the Chiro,
or the Chirogymnaste,

602
00:29:46,900 --> 00:29:47,900
which is a tiny finger gym,

603
00:29:47,900 --> 00:29:50,900
which has got little finger events
and you can see them.

604
00:29:50,900 --> 00:29:52,900
They still encourage you to do that.

605
00:29:52,900 --> 00:29:56,900
There's little spring-loaded
strengthening things

606
00:29:56,900 --> 00:30:00,900
that I was given in the brief time
I got someone to teach me the piano

607
00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:02,900
and they said "You should
strengthen your fingers."

608
00:30:02,900 --> 00:30:05,900
I thought "I might as well be
playing the piano."

609
00:30:05,900 --> 00:30:10,900
My old piano teacher, she would be
much better than that cos she'd use a
ruler

610
00:30:10,900 --> 00:30:13,900
and if you got it wrong, she'd whack
you on the top of the...

611
00:30:13,900 --> 00:30:17,900
That is more of a powerful incentive
than any of this...

612
00:30:17,900 --> 00:30:20,900
But if you do harm yourself
by using one of these things,

613
00:30:20,900 --> 00:30:23,900
you can always use the bed piano,
for bedridden people.

614
00:30:23,900 --> 00:30:28,900
Wow. Which is a rather splendid
device. I think you'll agree.

615
00:30:28,900 --> 00:30:29,900
I hope that's securely attached.

616
00:30:32,900 --> 00:30:35,900
That is the laziest keyboard
player in the world.

617
00:30:35,900 --> 00:30:38,900
And as you see, it rolls up,
pushes away neatly.

618
00:30:38,900 --> 00:30:41,900
That's fantastic. It's great,
isn't it? I want one.

619
00:30:41,900 --> 00:30:44,900
You can slide pizzas
down from the back.

620
00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:48,900
Yes. Bill's sitting there going
"I am going to get one of those."

621
00:30:48,900 --> 00:30:51,900
I will, I'm going to get one.
Bill will have one of those.

622
00:30:51,900 --> 00:30:53,900
That's the piano for the bedroom.
Ha-ha!

623
00:30:53,900 --> 00:30:55,900
The upside-down piano, virtual.
That's magic.

624
00:30:55,900 --> 00:31:00,900
Be easier to strap yourself into bed
and tilt the bed up to a normal
piano. Yeah.

625
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:02,900
How would a left-handed piano work?

626
00:31:02,900 --> 00:31:04,900
It would be high notes
at the left.

627
00:31:04,900 --> 00:31:07,900
There it is. And there it is.
That is a left-handed piano. Wow.

628
00:31:07,900 --> 00:31:11,900
It would take a hell of a lot
of unlearning for you to play on
that, wouldn't it? Good God!

629
00:31:11,900 --> 00:31:14,900
Can you imagine? It would
drive you mad. It would.

630
00:31:14,900 --> 00:31:16,900
Transposing pianos, have you ever
played with one of those?

631
00:31:16,900 --> 00:31:19,900
Well, there's a device on the
keyboard that will do that for you.

632
00:31:19,900 --> 00:31:22,900
On an electric keyboard.
On an electric one.

633
00:31:22,900 --> 00:31:25,900
There are pianos with a mechanism
that can... It's a lever on it.

634
00:31:25,900 --> 00:31:27,900
It moves it across to the next
string. Oh, right.

635
00:31:27,900 --> 00:31:30,900
Irving Berlin used one,
because he only composed in F sharp.

636
00:31:30,900 --> 00:31:34,900
He's like Stevie Wonder,
who likes the black notes.
He couldn't read music,

637
00:31:34,900 --> 00:31:36,900
but was the most successful
songwriter of his age.

638
00:31:36,900 --> 00:31:39,900
Really? Yeah. He couldn't read
music, he was fantastically
talented,

639
00:31:39,900 --> 00:31:43,900
He wrote White Christmas,
let alone Top Hat, White Tie.

640
00:31:43,900 --> 00:31:46,900
He lived long enough to be
able to see his own songs go

641
00:31:46,900 --> 00:31:49,900
out of copyright,
because his first hit was in 1911,

642
00:31:49,900 --> 00:31:50,900
with Alexander's Ragtime Band.

643
00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:54,900
You know, "Come on and hear, come on
and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band."

644
00:31:54,900 --> 00:31:56,900
They only go out of copyright
after you're dead.

645
00:31:56,900 --> 00:31:59,900
No, they do now, but in his day, it
was 75 years after it was written.

646
00:31:59,900 --> 00:32:02,900
Right. So he lived long enough
to see some of his songs

647
00:32:02,900 --> 00:32:04,900
go into the public domain. Now
it's 70 years after you've died.

648
00:32:04,900 --> 00:32:08,900
How old was he when he wrote it?
Early twenties. But had this
extraordinary talent. Amazing.

649
00:32:08,900 --> 00:32:11,900
There's a long list of things I have
to get after this show.

650
00:32:11,900 --> 00:32:15,900
There's the upside-down piano,
the upside-down dinner, I mean,
everything, yeah.

651
00:32:15,900 --> 00:32:19,900
It's funny you should say
a list of things cos that brings me
to Franz Liszt.

652
00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:23,900
Ho ho! ♪ Accidental segue! ♪

653
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:28,900
How did he change the piano?
Did he have huge hands, Liszt?

654
00:32:28,900 --> 00:32:31,900
He did. He could expand them,
long, long span.

655
00:32:31,900 --> 00:32:34,900
There were pianos made
specifically for him.

656
00:32:34,900 --> 00:32:36,900
Well, yes,
then they became the standard type.

657
00:32:36,900 --> 00:32:40,900
He gave it so much bloody welly that
they made it out of an iron frame.

658
00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:43,900
Before that,
they'd been a wooden frame.

659
00:32:43,900 --> 00:32:45,900
In Jane Campion's film The Piano,

660
00:32:45,900 --> 00:32:49,900
when the piano is thrown out to sea,
it should have floated.

661
00:32:49,900 --> 00:32:51,900
instead of sinking
because the film's set in 1850.

662
00:32:51,900 --> 00:32:54,900
It would have been
a pre-Lisztian piano.

663
00:32:54,900 --> 00:32:56,900
Did that ruin it for you?

664
00:32:58,900 --> 00:33:01,900
You won't be copying that film out.
What's this rubbish?!

665
00:33:01,900 --> 00:33:04,900
Plainly not possible!

666
00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:09,900
Right, so... Good.

667
00:33:09,900 --> 00:33:13,900
So, what did the man who knew
everything think cats were good for?

668
00:33:13,900 --> 00:33:15,900
Well...

669
00:33:15,900 --> 00:33:17,900
Catching mice.

670
00:33:17,900 --> 00:33:21,900
Catching mice. Isn't the man
who knew everything Thomas Young?

671
00:33:21,900 --> 00:33:23,900
Well, there's various people
who were given

672
00:33:23,900 --> 00:33:26,900
the title of the last man to know
everything there was to know.

673
00:33:26,900 --> 00:33:30,900
Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and
this man here, Kircher, his name is.

674
00:33:30,900 --> 00:33:33,900
He was a German Jesuit,
Athanasius Kircher.

675
00:33:33,900 --> 00:33:36,900
And he certainly was
very interested in lots of things.

676
00:33:36,900 --> 00:33:39,900
He was lowered into Vesuvius.
He believed the bubonic plague

677
00:33:39,900 --> 00:33:42,900
was caused by microbes,
well ahead of germ theory.

678
00:33:42,900 --> 00:33:45,900
Claimed falsely to have interpreted
Egyptian hieroglyphics.

679
00:33:45,900 --> 00:33:47,900
He regarded things like magnetism

680
00:33:47,900 --> 00:33:50,900
and love as branches of the same
topic, attraction,

681
00:33:50,900 --> 00:33:54,900
which is a very QI way of looking
at things, I like that. Yeah.

682
00:33:54,900 --> 00:33:55,900
But what are the cats doing?

683
00:33:55,900 --> 00:33:58,900
Well, we'll come to that.
Some things he got right.

684
00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:00,900
He denied the possibility
of flying tortoises.

685
00:34:00,900 --> 00:34:03,900
I don't know who'd raised
the possibility,

686
00:34:03,900 --> 00:34:05,900
but he damn well squashed it
and said, no,

687
00:34:05,900 --> 00:34:08,900
there won't be such a thing
as a flying tortoise.

688
00:34:08,900 --> 00:34:13,900
Rubbish. But he did invent the
megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.

689
00:34:13,900 --> 00:34:16,900
Klavier is in fact German for key,
from clavis, Latin, key,

690
00:34:16,900 --> 00:34:21,900
but it's a keyboard instrument.
The cat playing the piano.
He invented You Tube.

691
00:34:21,900 --> 00:34:26,900
I'm afraid, for cat-lovers, it's
a bit more disturbing than that.

692
00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:27,900
Oh, cat string, gut string.

693
00:34:27,900 --> 00:34:30,900
No, not cat gut, no, arrange
live cats in the right order,

694
00:34:30,900 --> 00:34:33,900
according to their voice.
Oh. And you play... Drums.

695
00:34:33,900 --> 00:34:35,900
And there you go.
Oh, brilliant.

696
00:34:36,900 --> 00:34:38,900
That's awesome!

697
00:34:39,900 --> 00:34:42,900
Oh, if only they had YouTube
back then.

698
00:34:42,900 --> 00:34:44,900
The outrage on the comments page.

699
00:34:44,900 --> 00:34:46,900
It's another thing for your list,
isn't it.

700
00:34:46,900 --> 00:34:49,900
It's on the list.
Yes, right up there.

701
00:34:49,900 --> 00:34:51,900
You've got to get one of those.

702
00:34:51,900 --> 00:34:53,900
Their tails are fixed in place
underneath hammers.

703
00:34:53,900 --> 00:34:56,900
When a key is pressed,
the hammer hits the corresponding...

704
00:34:56,900 --> 00:34:58,900
you can even get chords
and of course there's dynamics.

705
00:34:58,900 --> 00:35:00,900
The harder you hit,
it the more of a yowl.

706
00:35:00,900 --> 00:35:03,900
It wouldn't necessarily have to be
cruel.

707
00:35:03,900 --> 00:35:04,900
You could get the same mechanism,

708
00:35:04,900 --> 00:35:07,900
but just have it sort of tickle
the bollocks of a cat.

709
00:35:07,900 --> 00:35:09,900
So it's more like...YAAH!
As opposed to...YEAGHH!

710
00:35:09,900 --> 00:35:11,900
For a trill.
Yeah.

711
00:35:11,900 --> 00:35:15,900
MIMICS CATS PLAYING
"HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY
IN THE WINDOW?"

712
00:35:15,900 --> 00:35:18,900
What do they think,
that you have an A cat and a B cat?

713
00:35:18,900 --> 00:35:21,900
Yeah. And a C cat?
I guess you just go round.

714
00:35:21,900 --> 00:35:24,900
But there are only six cats and there
are more than six keys, so...

715
00:35:24,900 --> 00:35:27,900
Well, that's true,
that's a limited range, it's very...

716
00:35:27,900 --> 00:35:29,900
Experimental music.
Experimental music.

717
00:35:29,900 --> 00:35:32,900
All the other keys hit mice
inside the box.

718
00:35:33,900 --> 00:35:35,900
It's doubtful he actually built it,

719
00:35:35,900 --> 00:35:37,900
but he certainly wrote out
the plans for one.

720
00:35:37,900 --> 00:35:40,900
There are reports for comparable
devices for Philip II of Spain

721
00:35:40,900 --> 00:35:43,900
which had the additional layer of
hilarity by being played by a
bear(!)

722
00:35:43,900 --> 00:35:45,900
There are comparable records
of pig organs,

723
00:35:45,900 --> 00:35:50,900
that Louis XI of France,
had one made by the Abbot of Baigne.

724
00:35:50,900 --> 00:35:53,900
There you are, getting ascending
order of pig, pig, pig.

725
00:35:53,900 --> 00:35:54,900
That's fantastic.

726
00:35:54,900 --> 00:35:57,900
I like the woman
singing along with them as well.

727
00:35:57,900 --> 00:36:00,900
You think she's playing the pigs,
but the pigs are playing her.

728
00:36:02,900 --> 00:36:04,900
And as late as the mid-19th century,

729
00:36:04,900 --> 00:36:07,900
there was some instruments known
variously as the Pig Organ,

730
00:36:07,900 --> 00:36:11,900
the Hog Harmonium, Pigano,
the Porkoforte,

731
00:36:11,900 --> 00:36:14,900
or worst of all,
the Swineway Grand.

732
00:36:16,900 --> 00:36:17,900
So there you are, yes,

733
00:36:17,900 --> 00:36:19,900
several people have tried to make
musical instruments

734
00:36:19,900 --> 00:36:21,900
out of live animals,

735
00:36:21,900 --> 00:36:23,900
although it doesn't really work
very well in practice.

736
00:36:23,900 --> 00:36:25,900
And now for the welcome
return of a keynote of QI,

737
00:36:25,900 --> 00:36:28,900
a bit of General Ignorance
very quickly. Fingers on keypads.

738
00:36:28,900 --> 00:36:32,900
Nicely flexed and name something
written by Winston Churchill?

739
00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:34,900
Who was that?
Yes?

740
00:36:34,900 --> 00:36:36,900
The Second World War.
Oh!

741
00:36:38,900 --> 00:36:39,900
Have another go.

742
00:36:41,900 --> 00:36:42,900
He won the Nobel Prize, didn't he?

743
00:36:42,900 --> 00:36:44,900
He won the Nobel Prize
for Literature. Yes, he did.

744
00:36:44,900 --> 00:36:45,900
He wrote so much.

745
00:36:45,900 --> 00:36:49,900
Our Prime Minister won the Nobel
Prize for Literature, no question.

746
00:36:49,900 --> 00:36:52,900
Can you out of interest name
the only person to have won
the Nobel Prize and an Oscar?

747
00:36:52,900 --> 00:36:55,900
People wrongly say Al Gore because
there was an Oscar given

748
00:36:55,900 --> 00:36:57,900
to An Inconvenient Truth and he was
given a Nobel Peace Prize,

749
00:36:57,900 --> 00:37:00,900
but he didn't win the Oscar
personally.

750
00:37:00,900 --> 00:37:03,900
Any offers, punters? Sean Connery.

751
00:37:03,900 --> 00:37:06,900
Shaw is the answer.
George Bernard Shaw.

752
00:37:06,900 --> 00:37:11,900
George Bernard Shaw came
through the door.

753
00:37:11,900 --> 00:37:16,900
He had a ladies'
public conveniences built.

754
00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:19,900
Yeah, he was very
interested in stuff like that.

755
00:37:19,900 --> 00:37:20,900
People said it was outrageous and
disgusting

756
00:37:20,900 --> 00:37:23,900
that there should be a public
convenience for women.
How appalling?

757
00:37:23,900 --> 00:37:27,900
And he said,
"No, I think women need to go too."

758
00:37:27,900 --> 00:37:31,900
The first ladies' loos in London.

759
00:37:31,900 --> 00:37:34,900
Winston Churchill did not write
under the name Winston Churchill.

760
00:37:34,900 --> 00:37:36,900
Our Prime Minister didn't.
Oh, that's right.

761
00:37:36,900 --> 00:37:39,900
What did he write under the name of?
Anne Bronte.

762
00:37:41,900 --> 00:37:44,900
The Gathering Storm,
by Anne Bronte.

763
00:37:44,900 --> 00:37:46,900
Daphne du Maurier.

764
00:37:46,900 --> 00:37:47,900
My early years.

765
00:37:47,900 --> 00:37:49,900
Katie Price.

766
00:37:52,900 --> 00:37:54,900
No, what's his full name?
Do you remember his full...?

767
00:37:54,900 --> 00:37:56,900
Spencer.
William Leonard Spencer Churchill.

768
00:37:56,900 --> 00:37:59,900
Oh, Leonard. So he wrote under the
name of Winston S Churchill.

769
00:37:59,900 --> 00:38:01,900
Because when he started writing,

770
00:38:01,900 --> 00:38:04,900
there was a very successful American
novelist called Winston Churchill.

771
00:38:04,900 --> 00:38:06,900
And so out of politeness to him

772
00:38:06,900 --> 00:38:08,900
he wrote to him
this very complicated letter,

773
00:38:08,900 --> 00:38:09,900
which was sort of jokey, I think,
he says -

774
00:38:09,900 --> 00:38:13,900
"Winston Churchill has no doubt that
Mr Winston Churchill will recognise
from this letter,

775
00:38:13,900 --> 00:38:15,900
"if indeed by no other means,

776
00:38:15,900 --> 00:38:19,900
"that there is grave danger
of his works being mistaken for
those of Mr Winston Churchill.

777
00:38:19,900 --> 00:38:23,900
"He feels sure that
Mr Winston Churchill desires this
as little as he does himself.

778
00:38:23,900 --> 00:38:25,900
"In future to avoid mistakes
as far as possible,

779
00:38:25,900 --> 00:38:29,900
"Mr Winston Churchill has decided to
sign all published articles,
stories or other works,

780
00:38:29,900 --> 00:38:32,900
"Winston Spencer Churchill and
not Winston Churchill as formerly.

781
00:38:32,900 --> 00:38:36,900
"He trusts that this arrangement
will commend itself to
Mr Winston Churchill."

782
00:38:36,900 --> 00:38:37,900
And Winston Churchill replied,

783
00:38:37,900 --> 00:38:40,900
"Mr Winston Churchill appreciates
the courtesy of Mr Winston Churchill

784
00:38:40,900 --> 00:38:44,900
"in adopting the name of
Winston Spencer Churchill
in his books, articles, etc.

785
00:38:44,900 --> 00:38:47,900
"Mr Winston Churchill
makes haste to add that
had he possessed any other names,

786
00:38:47,900 --> 00:38:49,900
"he would certainly have adopted
one of them."

787
00:38:49,900 --> 00:38:52,900
There you go. So how polite.
That's so lovely.

788
00:38:52,900 --> 00:38:54,900
I like the fact they refer to
themselves in the third person.

789
00:38:54,900 --> 00:38:56,900
Mr Churchill all the time, I know.

790
00:38:56,900 --> 00:39:00,900
Clement Freud had a very good story
he used to tell about
when he was an MP.

791
00:39:00,900 --> 00:39:03,900
He went to China on a fact-finding
visit with other

792
00:39:03,900 --> 00:39:06,900
parliamentarians including
Winston Churchill Jr,

793
00:39:06,900 --> 00:39:08,900
i.e. the grandson
of Winston Spencer Churchill

794
00:39:08,900 --> 00:39:11,900
who was a Tory MP.

795
00:39:11,900 --> 00:39:13,900
One day Winston Churchill
invited him

796
00:39:13,900 --> 00:39:15,900
back to his room at the hotel
for a nightcap.

797
00:39:15,900 --> 00:39:18,900
Freud saw that his room was
so much better than his.

798
00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:21,900
So the next day, Freud said to the
guide, "I'm not complaining.

799
00:39:21,900 --> 00:39:25,900
"I just wondered why Mr Churchill's
room is so much bigger than mine."

800
00:39:25,900 --> 00:39:29,900
And the Chinese person said,
"Because he has famous grandfather."

801
00:39:29,900 --> 00:39:34,900
Clement Freud said "It's the only
time I've even been
out-grandfathered."

802
00:39:35,900 --> 00:39:39,900
You'd think if your grandfather was
Sigmund Freud, you were safe.

803
00:39:39,900 --> 00:39:41,900
No-one could out-grandfather you.

804
00:39:41,900 --> 00:39:43,900
You'd have the executive suite.

805
00:39:43,900 --> 00:39:47,900
You should have seen Steve Hitler's
room. It's enormous.

806
00:39:50,900 --> 00:39:54,900
Now, what truly grim reading matter
was banned in Germany after the War?

807
00:39:56,900 --> 00:39:59,900
Romantic comedies? Mills and Boon?

808
00:39:59,900 --> 00:40:01,900
"Say what you hear.
The clue is in the question."

809
00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:04,900
What was the question again?
Say the question again.

810
00:40:04,900 --> 00:40:06,900
What truly grim reading
matter was...?

811
00:40:06,900 --> 00:40:07,900
The Brothers Grimm.

812
00:40:07,900 --> 00:40:09,900
Brothers Grimm.
Oh, right.

813
00:40:09,900 --> 00:40:13,900
Because people believed that real
savagery of the Grimm fairy tales

814
00:40:13,900 --> 00:40:17,900
had contributed to something that
had turned the German people nasty,

815
00:40:17,900 --> 00:40:19,900
the perceived
barbarity of the people.

816
00:40:19,900 --> 00:40:23,900
The argument they'd fostered
obedience, discipline,

817
00:40:23,900 --> 00:40:27,900
authoritarianism, nationalism,
glorification of violence,

818
00:40:27,900 --> 00:40:30,900
all that kind of thing, became part
of the national character.

819
00:40:30,900 --> 00:40:31,900
According to a British Major,
TJ Leonard,

820
00:40:31,900 --> 00:40:34,900
he said the fairytales had
helped teach German children

821
00:40:34,900 --> 00:40:37,900
"all the varieties of
barbarousness."

822
00:40:37,900 --> 00:40:39,900
Including light flannelling.

823
00:40:41,900 --> 00:40:44,900
And it made them
easy to fit the role of hangman,

824
00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:45,900
and so on and so forth.

825
00:40:45,900 --> 00:40:47,900
One of the stories was called

826
00:40:47,900 --> 00:40:50,900
How Children Played Butcher With
Each Other,

827
00:40:50,900 --> 00:40:51,900
which was really savage.

828
00:40:51,900 --> 00:40:54,900
That was removed from the second
edition.

829
00:40:54,900 --> 00:40:57,900
And in the Frog King, the frog is
not kissed by the princess,

830
00:40:57,900 --> 00:41:01,900
he's hurled against a wall with all
the strength she has,

831
00:41:01,900 --> 00:41:04,900
to turn him into a prince.
A rather battered, bruised prince.

832
00:41:04,900 --> 00:41:06,900
That'll do it.
Yeah. At two miles an hour.

833
00:41:06,900 --> 00:41:08,900
Two miles an hour, against a...

834
00:41:09,900 --> 00:41:11,900
And he goes like that...
Argh!

835
00:41:12,900 --> 00:41:13,900
It was all he could do.

836
00:41:13,900 --> 00:41:15,900
He's got little froggy arms.
Yeah.

837
00:41:17,900 --> 00:41:19,900
On the other hand,
there is a lyrical quality.

838
00:41:19,900 --> 00:41:22,900
The last in the collection,
you'll love this story.

839
00:41:22,900 --> 00:41:24,900
There's a little poor boy goes
out into a wintry forest

840
00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:26,900
to collect wood on a sled.

841
00:41:27,900 --> 00:41:32,900
In the snow he finds a tiny key
and next to it, an iron box.

842
00:41:33,900 --> 00:41:38,900
The boy inserts the key,
he turns it, he lifts the lid.

843
00:41:38,900 --> 00:41:41,900
SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS

844
00:41:45,900 --> 00:41:48,900
He lifts the lid...

845
00:41:48,900 --> 00:41:51,900
TUNE CONTINUES

846
00:41:54,900 --> 00:41:56,900
End of story.

847
00:41:56,900 --> 00:41:58,900
Oh, really?

848
00:41:58,900 --> 00:41:59,900
That's Pulp Fiction.

849
00:41:59,900 --> 00:42:01,900
Exactly,
it's the suitcase in Pulp Fiction,

850
00:42:01,900 --> 00:42:02,900
exactly what I thought of it.

851
00:42:02,900 --> 00:42:05,900
The rest is up to your imagination,
boys and girls.

852
00:42:05,900 --> 00:42:07,900
What do you think was in that box?
A frog. Porn.

853
00:42:07,900 --> 00:42:10,900
I think it was a stash of porn.
Yeah. A flannel.

854
00:42:11,900 --> 00:42:13,900
That's why I used to
go into the woods.

855
00:42:16,900 --> 00:42:19,900
Well, we've ended on a sour,
bitter and very rude note.

856
00:42:19,900 --> 00:42:21,900
Which is the way
we like to end on QI.

857
00:42:21,900 --> 00:42:22,900
Once again.
Yes, hurrah.

858
00:42:22,900 --> 00:42:24,900
Which brings us to the scores.
And let's have a look.

859
00:42:24,900 --> 00:42:28,900
My word, my goodness, my gracious,
my goodness and my everything,

860
00:42:28,900 --> 00:42:31,900
in first place, with plus three,
is Bill Bailey!

861
00:42:33,900 --> 00:42:36,900
Wow. I've never won!

862
00:42:36,900 --> 00:42:38,900
How did you end up with plus three?

863
00:42:39,900 --> 00:42:42,900
Second place for a first timer,
with minus eight, it's Isy.

864
00:42:42,900 --> 00:42:44,900
Oh, well done.

865
00:42:48,900 --> 00:42:51,900
Third place, on his first
appearance, is really not bad,

866
00:42:51,900 --> 00:42:52,900
it's Tim Minchin.

867
00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:59,900
And yes,
in fourth place is Alan Davies!

868
00:43:07,900 --> 00:43:09,900
So that's it from Isy, Tim, Bill,
Alan and me.

869
00:43:09,900 --> 00:43:11,900
And good night.

870
00:43:33,900 --> 00:43:36,900
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd