1 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:25,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,960 Hello, good evening, guten Abend, 3 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:38,120 bonsoir and welcome to the QI L series. 4 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:43,480 And this is our L series animals show, so let's meet my lovelies. 5 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:47,680 - The leonine Ross Noble. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,960 - The larky Sarah Millican. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:02,720 - Lounge lizard Colin Lane. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,480 And the lesser-spotted Alan Davies. 9 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,000 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you. 10 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,160 And here's what they sound like. Ross goes... 11 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,880 LION ROARS 12 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,640 A lion! 13 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,720 - Sarah goes... - LARK SINGS 14 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:27,200 A lark, or possibly a ringtone. 15 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,480 And Colin goes... 16 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,400 HOWLING CRY 17 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,960 I thought YOU were supposed to have the worst one. 18 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,040 See if you can guess what that is. 19 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,200 - That was a human simulator. - It's an L. 20 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,280 HOWLING CRY 21 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,920 - MIMICS IN AUSSIE ACCENT: - "I never!" 22 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,640 It's not a Melbourne housewife, no. 23 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,400 It's a good score at Scrabble for a four-lettered animal. 24 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,280 - Lynx. - Yes, it's a lynx. It's a lynx. 25 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,120 And Alan, your sound is... 26 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,640 'Stephen! Stephen! Listen to me! 27 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,240 'I want points!' 28 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:03,320 Right. 29 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:08,000 Now, I've given each of you a penny in case you're caught short. 30 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,600 - One of these. - TOILET FLUSHES 31 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:14,360 Yes, because one of our questions tonight, 32 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,720 as in throughout this series, will be a little bit lavatorial. 33 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,360 So, if you think that the answer to the question 34 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:24,360 concerns the lavatory, you get a chance to spend your penny. 35 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,400 It's a joker card. All right. 36 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:30,800 Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like? 37 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,880 LYNX BUZZER 38 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,560 LAUGHTER 39 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,160 That's amazing. 40 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 41 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,240 I was going to say Richard Littlejohn. 42 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:50,960 Someone sent me a thing about blue whales, that they are really loud. 43 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,680 They can make a noise of 180 decibels. 44 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:57,120 It's the loudest noise any animal can make. All whales are loud. 45 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,880 - It's louder than a plane taking off. - Oh, completely so. - Or a baby crying, or anything. 46 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,240 - And it can be heard 500 miles away. - And further. 47 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,680 In fact, the deeper it is, the further it sounds, 48 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,480 and if it's very, very low-pitched... 49 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:11,000 MIMICS WHALE SONG 50 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,880 HE GETS LOUDER 51 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,040 HE REACHES SCREAMING PITCH 52 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,160 Somebody feed him! 53 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,960 It's not even close. 54 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:28,000 I don't know what that sounded like. I never want to hear it ever again. 55 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,480 Your wife is a very lucky woman. Do you know that? 56 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,280 Yeah, this particular whale, there's one, we don't actually know 57 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:40,040 what species it is, because no-one's found it, but people have heard it. 58 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,480 And it's very unusual 59 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:44,680 because it's the highest-pitched whale that's ever been recorded 60 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,200 by hydrophones, the microphones you pop down into the depths. 61 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:51,360 - But how do they know it's lonely? - Because it's never been answered. 62 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,840 - Aww! - But maybe it just likes spending time on its own. 63 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:58,000 Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your nightie, maybe it's like that. 64 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,040 There's a subtle difference between lonely and alone. 65 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,560 That's very, very true, I agree. 66 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,520 Maybe he's just reading books and spending some time... 67 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,840 Not reading books, I don't think we can go that far. 68 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,800 MIMICS WHALE SONG 69 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:21,320 Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it, 70 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:22,720 how do we know that it is a whale? 71 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:26,000 It might just be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell. 72 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,960 HE HOOTS 73 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,400 "They're coming, they're coming." "No, nothing. No." 74 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,040 "There's a whale over there, I think, but, then..." 75 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,280 - HE HOOTS - No, I think... 76 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,200 - That's the shell. - That's the shell. 77 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,840 It's a conch. HE HOOTS 78 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,160 I didn't think conch when you did that. 79 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,560 Oh, dear! 80 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,520 - Are you suggesting that I'm...? - I'm not suggesting anything. 81 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:50,280 Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?! 82 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,200 LAUGHTER 83 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,560 The sperm whale's penis is about three metres long. 84 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,640 Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth than even you have got. 85 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,480 LAUGHTER 86 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,800 - Isn't it great how we are all so keen to be involved? - Absolutely. 87 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,400 I'll have a go! 88 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,480 Hang on a second, if we're all getting involved, 89 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,760 I'll start here, have it all the way along the front. 90 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,520 Here, you hold it like that... 91 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,840 Right, here you go. Right there we go, there we go! 92 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:28,400 Heave ho! Heave ho! 93 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,880 It's going to blow! 94 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,880 LAUGHTER 95 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,360 Oh, dear, dear, dear. Well... 96 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,920 Where has it been heard, this...? 97 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,520 It's generally believed that it is a blue 98 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,360 or a fin whale and it's 52 hertz, which is a far higher register. 99 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,000 We've actually got it, we can hear it. 100 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,640 DEEP VIBRATING CALL 101 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,280 That seems very deep to us, but that's actually the highest. 102 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,400 It sounds like standing outside a nightclub. 103 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,840 - Deeper ones travel much further. - HE MIMICS BEATBOX 104 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,800 This is the Ministry of Sound. 105 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,080 Yeah. 106 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,880 What time are you closing? We're trying to sleep. 107 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,760 Not with that shirt, mate. Members only. 108 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:03,640 At home you might not be able to hear that, 109 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,480 because not all televisions can actually take that amount of bass. 110 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,360 You probably haven't got a woofer at home, as I have. 111 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,440 LAUGHTER 112 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:14,200 And just on the issue of last creatures, not necessarily... 113 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,840 Some people believe that rather than being a blue whale 114 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,480 or a fin whale, it could actually be a whale 115 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,520 that is a result of two different species of whale mating, a calf. 116 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,520 A new kind of whale, and that it doesn't have a natural mate, 117 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,040 because it's a sort of mutated voice. 118 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,840 Well, the 52-hertz whale has a high-pitched voice and no mates. 119 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,760 Now, Sarah, suppose you find a vampire, dear. 120 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,880 - A vampire deer? - Yes. 121 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,480 LAUGHTER 122 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,160 Who are you gonna call? 123 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,320 Well, I'm tempted to say Ghostbusters. 124 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,120 Whoa! 125 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,240 - Temptation... - Really late! 126 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:52,280 You don't wriggle out of it by saying, "I'm not going to say..." 127 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,160 - Oh, rubbish. - I'm sorry. Aren't we cruel? 128 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,680 So is it a vampire or a vampire deer? 129 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,040 - I need to get that clear. - Yeah, very smartly spotted 130 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,160 that I was doing a little trick. It is indeed a vampire deer. 131 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:05,240 - So you weren't really calling me a nice thing? - No, but... - Noted. 132 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:09,720 And I'm supposed to ring somebody. Can I not just run for my life? 133 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,280 Well, let's suppose you found the skull of a vampire deer. 134 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,520 How would I know that's what it was, though?! 135 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,280 I'm not very good at skulls! 136 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,880 That's the point. You would be puzzled. This is what you would see. 137 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,200 "We killed one earlier." 138 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,600 I tell you what, that must have been a horrible Tupperware party. 139 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,400 LAUGHTER 140 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,680 "And then I was thinking, if you'd like to buy...aaargh! 141 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,240 "It's a vampire deer!" 142 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,320 Well, people do find these in the soil of Cambridgeshire, 143 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,720 Norfolk, Bedfordshire, that sort of area. And they are living, 144 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,880 - they're creatures that live... - That one's not. 145 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:46,160 - That one, no. - Can we just establish, if it looks in a mirror, 146 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,920 can it see its reflection? 147 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,240 LAUGHTER 148 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:50,960 Does it have a lovely cloak as well? 149 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,280 - I don't think... - Yeah! That's how you ride them, 150 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,000 cos you get on their backs and you hold the cloak... 151 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,880 You've got to be very careful, because if you come up behind a car, 152 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,960 they look in the rear-view mirror, they don't see you, 153 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,640 stop very quickly, bang, dead. 154 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,280 You've got to be careful, as well, 155 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,280 because magicians have a similar cloak 156 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,000 and you don't want to ride one of them in the woods, do you? 157 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,440 That is true. That's exactly what Debbie McGee said to me over tea. 158 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 159 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:18,320 All the time. 160 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,680 Is it a vampire deer just because it's got these funny teeth, 161 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,680 - or does it actually like blood? - No, it's cos it's got the funny teeth. 162 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,280 It's like a sabre-tooth, but it exists now. 163 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,640 So who would you call if you found an animal, or saw an animal, 164 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,680 that looked really unusual? There is a place to call. 165 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,480 It's a fine institution. The finest institution. 166 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,920 - The Natural History Museum. - The National History Museum is right. 167 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,560 - 'Stephen!' - Well done. 168 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,480 APPLAUSE 169 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:51,760 We have with us Stuart Hine from the National History Museum's 170 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,960 very special department. Stuart. Hello. 171 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,560 APPLAUSE Thank you. 172 00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,160 Welcome! 173 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,280 When I was a boy and you found something unusual, 174 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:04,560 you'd send it to Blue Peter. 175 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:08,120 - But nowadays you get sent things, is that the point? - Yep. 176 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:09,520 You can send anything to us. 177 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,000 We do about 4,500 or so identifications each year, 178 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,720 generally for the sort of public. 179 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,280 We're not just full of dinosaurs, 180 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,080 we actually have more than 300 scientists 181 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:18,840 who can answer these enquiries for you. 182 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,280 This presumably is a common thing for people to send in 183 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,760 because they think it may be an ancient or unusual species. 184 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,680 Well, once every one or two years, because they're not that common. 185 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,840 Where it comes from, over in China, it's becoming more endangered. 186 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:35,240 We've got about 10% of the world's population living feral in the UK. 187 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,760 And how did they arrive here, if they're not endemic? 188 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,120 Into wildlife parks, zoos and so forth. 189 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:43,720 A pair escaped back in the '30s, and they've become 190 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:47,160 sort of established there now, I believe possibly from a single pair. 191 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,880 Wow. So it shows that sometimes incest works. 192 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,440 LAUGHTER 193 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,440 - ROSS: - Sorry, which area of the country are they...? 194 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,160 LAUGHTER 195 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,280 No! No! 196 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,640 APPLAUSE 197 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,040 I walked into that one. 198 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,600 Eyes wide shut. 199 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,240 Er, can you give us any other examples? 200 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,680 Actually, I've got some - this kind of thing you must get sent - 201 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,080 although it's not necessarily natural history, 202 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,640 there are people who believe that life came from such objects. 203 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:17,920 What's that? 204 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,960 'Stephen! Stephen!' 205 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,600 Meteorite. 206 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,400 Oh, you wish. 207 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,280 - Everybody thinks... - Is it poo? 208 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,160 - Is it fossilized poo? - It could be, like a coprolite, 209 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,680 - I think they're called, aren't they? Is that right? - It is. 210 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,560 # Ooh, ooh, coprolite. # 211 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:34,520 LAUGHTER 212 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,360 One of my favourite songs, 213 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,680 that's had me thrown out of the Natural History museum many a time. 214 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,760 SARAH: It's not like somebody's cooking, is it? 215 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,760 Cos I've made things that look a bit like that. 216 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,480 It's basically a rock, I think. Is that right? 217 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,200 It's a bit of, well, slag. 218 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,960 So industrial waste, yeah, containing metals. 219 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,640 - Slightly magnetic. - Oh, well, that's good. 220 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,080 Slag. Er... 221 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,360 LAUGHTER 222 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,160 You'll pay for that, you bitch! 223 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,280 LAUGHTER 224 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:05,320 I believe a lot of people see stones and they often... 225 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,280 they might even be smoking or steaming. 226 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,960 I've heard so many tales of these smoking, steaming things, 227 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,040 but it usually involves "my grandfather, 228 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,680 "who was returning from the pub." 229 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:16,840 - So we know where they're going with that. - Are there any other things 230 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,840 that would strike people as being somehow alien or odd? 231 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,840 - ALAN: - The prices in the gift shop. 232 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,880 LAUGHTER 233 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,680 APPLAUSE 234 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,960 - Various slimes, mystery slimes and things come in. - Ooh, I like that. 235 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,240 - So star jelly and things like this. - Star jelly? 236 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,160 Star jelly is one of the names for one of these slimes. 237 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,360 - There, we've got these wonderful pictures. - Oooh! What would that be? 238 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,600 Historically, people believe that this is associated with 239 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,440 passing meteorites and things. 240 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:53,440 - And, er, it just is frog gel, or a jelly... - Oh, spawn? 241 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,600 - Spawn, indeed, yeah. - How would it get outside a pond? 242 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,200 Well, we did some DNA analysis, 243 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,760 which told us that it came from the frog 244 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,560 and that a magpie was implicated. 245 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:08,040 - Magpie vomit, perhaps. - Nice! - Excellent. - Lovely. - Charming. 246 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,440 Well, thank you very much, Stuart Hine. 247 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:14,240 APPLAUSE 248 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,600 There you are, you can all remember he's your go-to guy 249 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,520 if you find something unusual in your garden. 250 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:25,360 Now, what's wild, horny, comes from Northeast England, 251 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:29,240 and hasn't been touched by a man in 800 years? 252 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,720 - Don't look at me! - I'm not looking at you! 253 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 254 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,520 I wasn't! 255 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,840 No, no, I was touched by a man... 256 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,520 Well, eh, that was one. 257 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,720 ..on Tuesday last week. There you go. 258 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,120 - Definitely not me. - That's one off the list. 259 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,720 Is it...aaah! 260 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,840 Watch this. I'm going to seem really smart if this works. 261 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,960 Is it, is it the white cows? The Chllingham white cows? 262 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,040 Whoa-ho! Yes, it is! Well done. 263 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,880 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 264 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,360 - Very good. Have you seen them? - I have seen them. 265 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,960 There they are... In fact, as a boy, as I frolicked in the... 266 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,080 That's where I'm from. I'm from the Northumberland... 267 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,760 I'm up that neck of the woods. 268 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,960 And then in the foot-and-mouth, everyone... 269 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,560 "Oh, the white cows, they're all going to go!" 270 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:25,240 And so they were quarantined off, and no-one was allowed near them, 271 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,840 and it was all touch and go, touch and go... 272 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,960 - Or NOT touch and go. - Yeah. 273 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,760 That's right. They haven't been touched certainly for 100 years 274 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,000 - and probably for much longer. - Well, when I was a kid, 275 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,040 we used to ride 'em, so that's not true. 276 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,080 LAUGHTER 277 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,120 I shouldn't have said that on the telly. 278 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,520 - Oh, please. - Depends what you mean by "touched". 279 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,840 They are fed during the winter months. 280 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,320 Hay is pitchforked over the enclosure and they eat that. 281 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,480 But no-one has dared touch them. They are pretty feral, 282 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,560 and from them are descended many of the cattle that we now know. 283 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,720 They look very different now, but you can see the relationship. 284 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,160 Is that one cleaning out its nostril with its tongue? 285 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,760 Yes. You could if you would. 286 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,400 LAUGHTER 287 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,480 - You mean the other way round. - Would if you could. 288 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,480 That was all wrong. Yeah, the Chillingham cattle. 289 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,440 Do you know how many there are? 290 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,440 - Er, 40? - There are about 100. 291 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,280 - Ah, 100. - They have been going up. 292 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,120 Oh, yeah, when I saw them as a kid there was only 40. 293 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,840 The harsh winter of '46/'47, they were down to 13 of them. 294 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,720 but they've come back up to around 100, which is encouraging. 295 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,720 Again, incest seems to be best. 296 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,920 - Er... - Not in that neck of the woods, I can assure you. 297 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,520 The Chillingham cattle, as Ross knew, live wild 298 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,360 and haven't been touched in 800 years. From livestock to larvae. 299 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:42,200 What form of transport might a caterpillar use? 300 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,360 Do they hitch onto things? 301 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,320 They do. And I wonder what they hitch onto. 302 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,920 Furry mammals. Furry mammals carry a lot of stuff about. 303 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,840 They do, but in this case they use each other. 304 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,280 - Aww! - They use a principle which is quite fun. 305 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:01,400 The one that's on the bottom layer is going at a certain speed 306 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,280 and the one above twice the speed, 307 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,680 and the one above that thrice the speed. 308 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,480 So all told, the whole group goes faster. 309 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,960 And we've done a little experiment using stop-motion photography. 310 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:16,440 Some boot's going to come in in a minute. Splat! 311 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,800 Awful, isn't it? But if you watch, we've got two yellow pieces there 312 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,040 and they're both moving one step at a time. 313 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,320 But you'll see the one on the top layer is going faster 314 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,880 and the single one can't catch up with it. 315 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,840 And that's the principle they use - 316 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,760 that the top layer is going quicker. 317 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,280 And so that's how caterpillars move at greater speed 318 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:36,760 to get to where they need to be. 319 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,200 - It's like a travelator. - The travelator. 320 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:43,320 - Except when people get on the travelator, they slow right down. - So annoying. - It drives me mad. 321 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,720 - When I get on a travelator, I really make the most of it. - Me too. - I accelerate. 322 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,920 I love the way that the windows and everything just speed past you. 323 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:50,960 Oh, it's fabulous. 324 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,720 - Travelator! - Yeah. 325 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:56,280 - People even on the travelator, they just stop. - I know! 326 00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:00,080 - Yes. - Yeah, but it's doing the moving for you, so you don't have to move. 327 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:03,000 That's why we're a nation of morbid... Oh, dear... 328 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,760 LAUGHTER 329 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:09,520 Or if you have small children, they turn around and run the other way. 330 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,520 - Yes, they will do that. - And then there's people coming and you're like... 331 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,440 You have to do quite a lot of loud coughing and harrumphing 332 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,600 and, "My flight's about to leave," sort of stuff, 333 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,360 in order to get people to move across. 334 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:23,200 It's just politeness to take one side of the travelator. 335 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,680 Or say, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" 336 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,240 Yes, all right. That's an option too. 337 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:31,000 Anyway, moving from larvae on to adult Lepidoptera. 338 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,640 What's a sure-fire way of telling two butterflies apart? 339 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,520 Different colour wings. 340 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:41,560 - ALARM BLARES - That would be true of those that were different colours. 341 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,840 But suppose they looked identical? 342 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,600 - Well, then, you can't. - And were different species or genus. 343 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:49,240 - Then you can't. That's it. - Well, you might be able to. 344 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,200 - Their breath. - Their breath! 345 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,360 Is it the prettier they are, the stinkier their breath? 346 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,040 Their address. 347 00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,040 Their address, yes. That would do it. 348 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,200 - Are they the same but different? - Their names. 349 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,640 - They're all the same but they're not? - There are two genera 350 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,600 of butterfly that look almost identical, 351 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,800 and it's a type of evolution called Mullerian. 352 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,040 There they are. And one of them tastes disgusting to birds, 353 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,840 and the birds quite quickly learn that. 354 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,360 - You just lick them? - Well, the birds did. - Just get a bird to lick it. 355 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:20,840 And so the other one evolved to look as much like the one 356 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,560 that's disgusting, without actually being disgusting. 357 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,960 Because it doesn't need to develop the disgusting taste, 358 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,640 because the birds will assume that it IS disgusting. 359 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,560 And this is a thing that happens in nature. 360 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,240 - You look identical just to survive. - How smug must THEY be? 361 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,280 - It's very, very good. - So smug. 362 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,600 And also, the one on the right there seems to have a tiny roll 363 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,680 of gaffer tape in its mouth. 364 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,440 - It does, doesn't it? - LAUGHTER 365 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,080 They're not even his real wings. He's made them. 366 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,080 He's like that... 367 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,160 "Look at that, I'm just like him. Come on." 368 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,240 You go round the other side of that, 369 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,720 that's all sticky-back plastic round there. 370 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,800 But there is an answer to how you would tell the difference, and it's deeply personal. 371 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,280 - Oh, it's the downstairs, is it? - You would look at their genitalia. 372 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,000 And there's a truly great novelist of the 20th century, 373 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,680 although English was his third language, 374 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,400 and he was very good at sexing butterflies. Indeed... 375 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,680 - Sexing? - Telling their... - Sexing. 376 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:21,360 - ..telling their gender, examining their penises. - Sexing or texting? - Sexing. 377 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,800 - Texting. - No, sexing. There is a collection at Harvard University of these tiny 378 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:29,120 little phials filled with penises of butterflies that he collected. 379 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:32,600 There he is. He lived in America, hence Harvard, but he was born in Russia 380 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,960 and then moved to Paris from a rather nobby family. 381 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,320 And his name was Vladimir Nabokov. 382 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,280 But you must have heard of his most famous novel. 383 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,920 Yeah, 50 Shades Of Butterflies. 384 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,560 Come on. 385 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,920 - Yeah, it was amazing. - Don't let us down. 386 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,480 - Lolita. - Lolita, thank you, Alan. Yes. 387 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,960 He wrote Lolita, amongst many other magnificent novels. 388 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,400 Operation Yewtree are all over him at the moment. 389 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,760 LAUGHTER 390 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,680 - "Lolita, light of my loins." - The Russian Yewtree. 391 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,400 - And he collects the penises. - Well, he was a... 392 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,360 But he's not bothered about the rest of it. 393 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,480 He was an incredibly enthusiastic lepidopterist. 394 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:09,880 And then he lets them go. 395 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,480 - And he went, in fact, on index cards... - Without a penis! 396 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,240 That's a butterfly that's had its penis removed by Vladimir Nabokov. 397 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,360 I got it, I got it, it was really good, Alan. 398 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:25,160 - Was his name...? - Stick to girls! 399 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:28,480 Was his name Knob-off, did you say? 400 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,120 Vladimir Knob-off. 401 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,040 "Knob-off by name, knob-off by nature. I'll do anything. 402 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:36,040 "Start with a butterfly, work my way up. Don't care." 403 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,760 He was, as well as being a great writer, 404 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,800 one of the finest lepidopterists of his time. 405 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,880 He used his index cards, on which he wrote his scientific notes about Lepidoptera, 406 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,880 to write the entire novel of Lolita, in fact, his most famous work. 407 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,880 Did he try and collect all of the ladygardens of the butterflies? 408 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,160 - LAUGHTER - That's a very good point. 409 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:58,040 I don't know if he exclusively confined himself to the penises of butterflies, 410 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,480 but I suppose they were the easiest bits to see in such a small insect. 411 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,680 The wings are easier to see. 412 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,960 Well, yeah, no. When it comes to sexing, I mean. 413 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:09,480 Butterfly pubes, imagine that. 414 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,640 Imagine a pillow - how soft would that pillow be? 415 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,040 - Just filled with butterfly pubes. - Ohhh... 416 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,520 He gave a very, very... 417 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,160 LAUGHTER 418 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:21,000 That's what... Not many people know this. 419 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,600 Not many people know this, but all of Stephen's suits 420 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,360 are lined with butterfly penises. 421 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,160 That's true. 422 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,840 By the finest tailors in the land. 423 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,360 - No, I do have... - Butterfly tailors, no less. 424 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,680 That's right. Tiny moths come in. 425 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,840 "Mr Fry, we have collected the butterfly pubes 426 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,000 "of a million butterflies." 427 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,760 They've been donated willingly. 428 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,200 They have. More than willingly. 429 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,560 That's why he looks so comfortable on this show. 430 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,160 See, look, he's even flapping like a butterfly. 431 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:53,480 The power of the pubes are moving through the fine... 432 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:54,720 LAUGHTER 433 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,840 Look at him moving. There it goes again! 434 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,320 The best way to tell butterflies apart 435 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,920 is to look them straight in the genitals. 436 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:09,400 Can you give me your impression of a puffer fish on the pull? 437 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:12,040 LYNX BUZZER 438 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,440 LAUGHTER 439 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,560 That's the gift that keeps on giving. 440 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,160 Oh, you're puffing your face. 441 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,160 They play down the puffiness, I reckon. 442 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,800 They do. Well, what they do is play up some whole other skill, 443 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,080 which is really astonishing, in order to attract a female. 444 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,560 They turn themselves inside out. Fully inside out. 445 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,160 I would be impressed by that. 446 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,200 What, if a bloke came up to you in a nightclub and went, 447 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,960 "Watch this, love!" Woomf - 448 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,880 and his lungs and heart and all the rest... 449 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,680 - I mean, I wouldn't hug him, but I'd be impressed. - Yeah. 450 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,960 Fish, like birds, as you probably know, the males tend to be more colourful 451 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,560 - and put on a good show to attract females. - I did not know that. - Did you not? 452 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:51,080 - I knew it about birds. - Hmm, beautiful plumage. 453 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,280 Has he just had a Slush Puppy? 454 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,160 LAUGHTER 455 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,640 A blue Slush Puppy. What he does... 456 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,800 It was in such a big glass, he went like that, it's gone on his eyes. 457 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,480 - Gone on his eyebrows. - LAUGHTER 458 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,880 What they do is actually remarkable. 459 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,680 If you watch what he does, at first you'll think it's just random, 460 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,600 but then you'll go, "Oh, my goodness." 461 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,440 It takes nine days for him to prepare this for the female. 462 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,560 Is that just farting, what he's doing there? 463 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,720 - LAUGHTER - No, that's... He turned, oh. 464 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,560 - It's extraordinary. - Aww! 465 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,040 - He's made this enormous crater with ridges. - He's made a lair. 466 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,360 Which are decorated with seashells. And it's there. 467 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,440 WOMEN: Aaah! 468 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:31,080 The ladies are so impressed. Is that what you want, a sand castle? 469 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:35,120 No, I think their "aaah" was they were impressed. 470 00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:37,680 - Nine days' work to attract a female. - How many days? 471 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,840 - Nine. - Hmm... 472 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,360 LAUGHTER 473 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:45,240 A lot of females say that. They go, "No, not good enough." It has to be absolutely perfect. 474 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,040 And then when it is perfect, the female lays her eggs right in the middle. 475 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:53,280 And he then fertilises them and looks after them for six days, just to protect them. 476 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,720 That's nice, and then she can go back to work. 477 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:56,840 Or go to another crater. 478 00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,440 No, the most amazing thing about that is, that's actually on the beach. 479 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,040 That's not even under the water. 480 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,080 - That would be... - It comes out, like that. 481 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,880 Puts little flags in every ridge as well. 482 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,720 It's...I won't say entirely unique, because we know 483 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,760 so little about what goes on in the ocean, but it's one of the few 484 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:18,560 we know which is quite so marvellous and distinctive, the puffer fish. 485 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,480 But nine days is a long time. I mean if you, Sarah... 486 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,600 - It's not really, though, is it? - If she's worth it. 487 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,840 I mean, when she comes in, she comes in and just goes, 488 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,040 "Well, you've done that all wrong. 489 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:33,080 "Been waiting six months for you to get that finished and it's wrong. 490 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:36,360 "Do it again. I should have got somebody in to do it." 491 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:37,640 LAUGHTER 492 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:41,440 Anyway, the male puffer fish attracts his lady with 493 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:42,880 a heart exhibition. 494 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,520 Now, what do we call a fish that drives a tank? 495 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,440 Tank fish. 496 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:52,440 You might call it tank fish, but when I say "we", I mean WE. 497 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:58,800 What do we here at QI Central call a fish that drives a tank? 498 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,440 Sir. 499 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:02,160 ALARM BLARES 500 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,640 LAUGHTER 501 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:04,680 APPLAUSE 502 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,840 That was a shock. We read you like a book. 503 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:13,600 No, we're going to show you a fish driving a tank. 504 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,520 - What? - Yes. 505 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:19,760 So if my splendid porters can come on with a little tank tray... 506 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,520 - The porters, ladies and gentlemen. - Yeah! 507 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,280 There we are. 508 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:32,960 So, we've got a tank and we've got a fish who's going to drive the tank. 509 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,000 And there's our fish. He doesn't live here, 510 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,120 I want you to know, this is just his transport system. And... 511 00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:41,080 This is, like, the poshest fairground ever. 512 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,960 Yeah. And if I turn on his little motor here... 513 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:47,760 - So this is a fish tank tank. - And as soon as he moves, he will... 514 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,080 Give him some food, or poke him with a biro. 515 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:54,920 Every different direction he goes, he moves the tank. 516 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,040 And, whoa, there you go. 517 00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,720 Let's move you into the middle here. 518 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,520 There you are, because you were getting all excited. 519 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,160 There you are, a few ant's eggs for him, 520 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,680 or whatever it is we feed him with. 521 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:11,400 Butterfly penises. 522 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,880 - But you obviously want to know... - LAUGHTER 523 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:18,280 I said, what do we call him? His name is Alan. 524 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,720 LAUGHTER 525 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:23,560 He's Alan the QI goldfish, and just to put your minds at rest, 526 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,240 this is not his tank, he has a beautiful... 527 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,960 It's MY tank. 528 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,000 Yeah, exactly. He has a beautiful place where he hangs out, which is 529 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,720 full of wonderful toys and fronds. 530 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,600 It's near Watford and he drives there himself every morning. 531 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:39,760 Yeah, exactly. And you might like to meet our splendid elf Alex Bell, 532 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,720 who built this particular contraption for Alan. 533 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,320 Come on, Alex. 534 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 535 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,160 - We mustn't... - Here we have the classic elf. 536 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:54,800 Absolutely. 537 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:58,240 Educated to within an inch of his life. Smartly turned out. 538 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,040 So how long did it take you to build this? 539 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,640 A couple of days. It's made of Lego, completely, so... 540 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,720 - It's entirely Lego? - Yeah, it's all Lego. 541 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,760 Can we race it against caterpillars? LAUGHTER 542 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,160 And why did you make it? 543 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,680 - Someone... - No, it's not rude, just asking. 544 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,880 There's a Dutch company called Studio Dip, 545 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,960 and they made a bigger version of this for a fish to live in, 546 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,920 and we thought we'd have a go at making our own. 547 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,600 Did you build it over two days to attract girls? 548 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,280 LAUGHTER 549 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,200 APPLAUSE 550 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,800 Sarah, are you impressed? 551 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,760 It's working for me. 552 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,680 I think the question that everyone wants to ask is that 553 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,640 if you were to make a full-size version out of the Pope-mobile... 554 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:46,080 LAUGHTER ..and the Pontiff was to swim very hard, 555 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:47,600 could he...would that work? 556 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,240 - Could we do that? - Yeah, probably. 557 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,520 Just to put at rest those who are wondering what 558 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,000 the principle behind it is, when he swims forward, what happens exactly? 559 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,000 There are four sensors, one in each corner, 560 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:00,520 so whichever corner he goes to, it goes in that direction. 561 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,600 - It's that simple, nothing to do with the pressure of the water? - No. 562 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,920 Would it be possible to build a giant one, 563 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,360 put a dolphin in it that could swim up, 564 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,680 do a somersault and then the whole vehicle could loop the loop? 565 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,640 - Yes. - Theoretically, yes. 566 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,280 Let's do it. 567 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:17,600 I shall pay for that out of my own pocket. 568 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:23,040 - Are there future uses for this? - Maybe military, I think... - Military uses. 569 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:27,840 - The British Army IS on its uppers. - Yeah, I think they'll probably be the only ones who'll fund it. 570 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,560 Well, it's very exciting for him. 571 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:32,120 But I'm sure he wants to get back to his huge 572 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:34,080 and very luxurious accommodation 573 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:37,800 - in the QI offices. - He lives in a cistern. - I'll hand him over to you. 574 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:41,280 - LAUGHTER - Thank you, Alan. 575 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,280 - Thank you, Alan and Alex. - APPLAUSE 576 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,200 That was very pleasing. 577 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,720 - The porters! - APPLAUSE 578 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:58,480 So, anyway, moving on. What has 32 brains and sucks? 579 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:03,440 - The front row. - LAUGHTER 580 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,760 Is there a creature that has 32 brains? 581 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,400 Does an octopus have lots of brains in its tentacles? 582 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,000 Yes, and genitalia at the end as well, if you remember. 583 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,760 - Oh, yes, I do remember. - Really? 584 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,840 - On one of them. - How do you know which one? 585 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:20,680 - You'll soon find out. - LAUGHTER 586 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,840 Get a few lagers into it. Wey! Wee-e-ey! 587 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,040 But it's not an octopus. 588 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,400 It is an animal that is associated with moist conditions, and... 589 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,000 A slug. 590 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,480 It looks rather like a slug. 591 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,480 Here's a thing you can do to test this particular animal. 592 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,000 They've done it, they've filled a condom with blood 593 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,840 - and dropped it in the water where these creatures... - Leech. - Yes! 594 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:49,040 - And they've found... - People have done that intentionally? Filled a condom with blood? 595 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:53,640 - In order to demonstrate how leeches.. - Some intentionally. 596 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,000 - Others accidentally. - LAUGHTER 597 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:57,120 Exactly, exactly. 598 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:03,840 "Are you all right in there?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" 599 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:05,480 LAUGHTER 600 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:09,600 "Don't flush it down the... No!" 601 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:12,840 That's why it's always... 602 00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,840 LAUGHTER 603 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:21,200 That's horrific. 604 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:24,120 If you fill a condom full of blood, 605 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:27,920 that's the best way, in the wild, to catch one of those vampire deer. 606 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,000 Spin it round... LAUGHTER 607 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:31,680 What it doesn't do is catch a leech, 608 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:34,840 because leeches haven't evolved expecting humans to splash through 609 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,880 the marshes, but they have expected other kinds of animal. And... 610 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:39,240 A frog, perhaps? 611 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:40,800 A frog is a perfect example. 612 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:43,400 If you put the condom in covered in blood, 613 00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:45,440 leeches will not be attracted to it. 614 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:48,440 If you just wipe the condom over a frog, 615 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:51,200 and then drop it in, the leeches will go pha-doing! 616 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,560 - Because they smell frog. - And the frog will be your friend for life. 617 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:58,160 They go, pha-dong, boing! Wheee! 618 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,120 - Exactly. They hop around. - Yeah. 619 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:03,120 So we needn't be as afraid of leeches as we seem to be. 620 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,760 So, the merest whiff of frog will lure a leech to lunch. 621 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:10,400 But what part do Twiglets play in a mugger's lunch? 622 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:14,000 We've been very literal with our picture. 623 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:15,920 Is that Annie Lennox?! 624 00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:18,280 LAUGHTER 625 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,880 Is a "mugger's lunch" a euphemism for something? 626 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:22,440 A mugger is a type of creature. 627 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,480 - A mugger is a... - Lives in this kind of environment. 628 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,280 - Is it a crocodile or...? - It is a crocodile, yes. 629 00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:29,880 A mugger crocodile. 630 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:31,640 So it goes to parties... 631 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:34,720 No, it's not a Twiglet, it is a twiglet in the most literal sense. 632 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:38,480 - A little twig. - A stick. - A little stick. - It hides behind the... 633 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,760 - Not behind it. - It's a very small... - It uses it as a tool. 634 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:45,120 It uses it as a tool in order to entrap. 635 00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,960 - Like chopsticks. - Catches Hula-Hoops. - It catches wading birds 636 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,960 who think, "I'm building my nest... Oh, look, there's a log 637 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:52,200 "with some twigs on it!" 638 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:53,880 No way. How stupid are birds?! 639 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:55,600 LAUGHTER 640 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:58,160 Tiny brains, haven't they? Tiny little brains. 641 00:30:58,160 --> 00:30:59,880 - Useless. - Tiny. 642 00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:01,720 They deserve to be eaten. 643 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:03,360 LAUGHTER 644 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:06,280 On the one hand, you think, "I'd love to be able to fly like a bird," 645 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:09,640 but you'd be an idiot. They always fly into windows and lorries... 646 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:12,160 Crows are very intelligent. Crows, ravens... 647 00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:15,800 - Crows?! - Yeah. - What, right, here's a crow, swooping around. 648 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:18,000 "Oh, yeah, that looks like a nice field! 649 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:19,760 "Ooh, better not go in there..." 650 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 651 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:28,480 "Oh, no, he's scary. He's clearly a trained assassin." 652 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:32,120 It doesn't make any sense at all. 653 00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:34,800 At least set your scarecrow up like this. 654 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,840 - Rrr! - Or just doing that, like that. 655 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,520 Exactly. "I'll take you down." 656 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:45,160 So that is one example of... It's the only example we know 657 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,720 of a reptile using tools. And it's only a recent discovery. 658 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,400 How does it get them on its head with its little hands? 659 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:52,600 It cleverly manoeuvres. It doesn't use its hands. 660 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,680 - Puts them in the water and does that? - It takes nine days. 661 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,080 LAUGHTER 662 00:31:57,080 --> 00:31:59,320 I'm impressed by anything that takes nine days. 663 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,880 He has to lie under a tree till a twig lands on his head. 664 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:03,440 And then another, and then another. 665 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,960 It's not the only animal, however, that uses... 666 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,880 The principle is a lure. That lures other animals. 667 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:11,680 You can see there's a type of snake, for example, 668 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:13,240 that has a very clever lure. 669 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,480 - Oh, it makes... - It pretends to be a worm! 670 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,960 But look what happens. It's scary. 671 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:20,560 The furry thing... 672 00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:21,920 Whoa! 673 00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:23,400 It's so quick. 674 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:26,440 And it's eaten itself a nice little furry meal. 675 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,120 Because the furry thing thought, "Oh, there's a nice worm." 676 00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:32,680 And you can see, it pulls back, you can see what it's just eaten. 677 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:34,120 - Oh, dear. - Oh, wow. 678 00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,280 Some of the snakes do a similar thing, very clever. 679 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,600 They'll pretend to be a draught excluder. 680 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:41,720 LAUGHTER 681 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:48,720 And then when the mouse approaches, they'll strike, like that, 682 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,160 and... But the mouse gets the last laugh, 683 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:54,400 cos it's not a mouse, it's an old lady's slippers! 684 00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:57,800 HE CHOKES DRYLY 685 00:32:57,800 --> 00:32:59,880 It's just a laughing Nana. 686 00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:01,520 Aww. 687 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:04,400 I ought to express my gratitude to the one and only 688 00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:07,240 Al the Viper Keeper for that footage. 689 00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:08,760 He's lent us that footage. 690 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:12,120 Anyway, crocodiles are the only reptiles known to use tools. 691 00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:16,120 Now, what's the most energetic thing that a slow-th, or sloth, ever does? 692 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,640 Whichever you prefer. 693 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:21,600 Oh, you're spending your penny. And you're right to! 694 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:23,520 - Is it? - Yes. Well done. 695 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:24,920 APPLAUSE 696 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,280 - Going to the lavatory. - Going to the lavatory. 697 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,040 They spend all their time in the trees except when they go down 698 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:36,920 and use a communal lavatory, which they share. 699 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,440 And this habit of sharing lavatories has given rise to some pretty 700 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:43,360 - unpleasant... - Oh! - Somebody's missed the lavatory there. 701 00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:45,120 Well, I'm afraid it gets... 702 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:48,680 - Go and wee on a friend. - It gets really, really worse. 703 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:50,880 It's grim beyond believing, this, 704 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:56,240 but at the Estacion Biologica Quebrada Blanco in Peru, 705 00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:58,440 which is a field research site in the Amazon, 706 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:01,240 they observed very odd feeding habits of two-toed sloths. 707 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:03,960 They were hanging upside down from the roof of the scientists' 708 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,760 latrine, and they started to drop down into it 709 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:14,280 and scoop up handfuls of human excrement and toilet paper, 710 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:16,720 - and they would eat it. - ALL: Ugh! 711 00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:19,560 They even plunged into the pit itself, which you can see, 712 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,600 and emerged covering, after a liquid lunch, in poo. 713 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:25,240 The research paper noted, "It was scooping with one hand 714 00:34:25,240 --> 00:34:28,920 "from the semi-liquid manure, and then eating from the hand. 715 00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:32,400 "When more persons gathered around the latrine to watch this bizarre behaviour, 716 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,480 "the sloth emerged from the latrine and climbed into the nearest tree." 717 00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:39,440 So it didn't like being watched. It might have been slightly ashamed. 718 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,000 You know when the film Jaws came out and it was really terrifying 719 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:46,920 to go to the toilet in case a shark came up and bit your bum...? 720 00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:50,480 - I don't remember feeling that, to be honest. - Maybe that was just our house. 721 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:53,880 But now we've got to worry about sloths coming up and... 722 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,200 - Clawing at your arse. Yeah. - Yeah. 723 00:34:56,200 --> 00:35:00,120 Well, it wouldn't do that, it would just sit there like that, going... 724 00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:02,320 LAUGHTER 725 00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:07,720 Hit me! Hit me! Ah, oh... 726 00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:13,720 - Oh, God! - As Supernanny would say, that was unacceptable. 727 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:16,520 - Unacceptable, yeah. - I mean, dear... 728 00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:21,880 It must be hard for them to be both an animal and a deadly sin. 729 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:24,760 - LAUGHTER - That's true. That's true. 730 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:27,880 Because every morning they just go, "Ohhh..." 731 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:32,320 Is it the sloth - I might be wrong here, you'll know - 732 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:35,960 when they die, they stay in the trees, don't they? 733 00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:37,840 - Totally. - How long for? 734 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:40,840 - Just for ever. - For ever? - Yeah. - Shut up! 735 00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:43,440 Honestly, they're like... they'll be like... 736 00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:45,880 - They'll rot away. - ..a skeleton, like just a... 737 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:47,800 They'll be eaten, perhaps, by other things. 738 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:50,080 - Yeah, but not the bones, just the outside. - Yeah. 739 00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:53,200 That's a hell of a way to find your nana, isn't it? 740 00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:56,520 That's how we found mine. In the local park. 741 00:35:56,520 --> 00:35:59,400 "What are you doing? Oh, no. Oh, God." 742 00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,680 She'd only gone on the climbing frame. 743 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:05,120 Oh, dear. The only... 744 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,600 Not really! 745 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:09,320 Why...why did people go, "Ohhh"? 746 00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:13,640 As if my nan genuinely... "Oh, that's terrible." 747 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,840 We don't know much about what goes on in the Northeast, but we hear things. 748 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:17,880 LAUGHTER 749 00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:21,920 - Mainly from you. - Yes. 750 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,920 So, the only reason, as Alan knew, 751 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:29,040 that sloths ever move out of a tree is to spend a penny. 752 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:32,320 But now it's time to wallow for a while in the filthy pile of ordure 753 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:36,080 that we call General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please. 754 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:39,160 How can you tell your labradoodle is pleased to see you? 755 00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,480 Aren't they wonderful dogs? Yes. 756 00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,000 It's got an erection. 757 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:44,600 LAUGHTER 758 00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:51,960 You mean it's got its lipstick out? 759 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,040 Yeah. It's beetroot. It was always beetroot in our family. 760 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,000 "Mam, it's got its beetroot out again!" 761 00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,320 Don't you think it's more like lipstick? 762 00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:01,800 I'm going to look next time a bit closer. 763 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:05,320 - Is a labradoodle a cross between a Labrador and a poodle? - Yep! 764 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:08,120 - Which is like a seeing-eye dog... - Yes. 765 00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:11,400 ..and a poodle, which is like a fashion accessory dog. 766 00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:14,760 So it's like a dog to see with, and be seen with! 767 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:16,840 Very well put! 768 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:20,440 The labradoodle is not, like some people think, like an Etch-a-Sketch. 769 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:22,280 Cos that's a magnadoodle, isn't it? 770 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:26,880 - Aww, sweet. - A magnadoodle is a dog that just attracts spoons. 771 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,040 Whoo! 772 00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:31,640 ROSS BARKS 773 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:34,760 The point is, it's not just a labradoodle, 774 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:39,120 it's all about dogs' expressions of pleasure to see their owners. 775 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,760 And we know about tail-wagging, obviously, 776 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,600 but tail-wagging is very subtle 777 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:46,000 and it's really for signals to other dogs. 778 00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,960 But the answer is actually rather sweet. 779 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,400 And you may, if you have dogs at home, check this out 780 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:53,560 when you get home next after a little period of absence. 781 00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:57,320 It's very, very quick, so it has to use high-speed cameras, 782 00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:00,280 usually, to have found this out, but you may be able to see it. 783 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,480 Your dog will welcome you by lifting its left eyebrow, 784 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:06,040 if you are the owner and master of your dog, or mistress. 785 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,960 And that is the rather touching thing. The left eyebrow goes up. 786 00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,800 - Very, very quickly. - How do you know it's not just being quizzical? 787 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,280 Well, it only happens to their owners 788 00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:16,760 and it doesn't happen to strangers. You'd expect them 789 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,040 to be more quizzical with people they hadn't met. 790 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,880 - Mmm. - But with people they haven't met, there are other things. 791 00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,640 Their left ear will go back, for example. 792 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:27,840 If it's an object they don't know, their right ear will go forward. 793 00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:29,280 So let me get this right. 794 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:32,280 - Owner comes in, left eyebrow goes up. - Yeah. 795 00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:35,320 - Stranger comes in, ear goes that way. - Yeah. 796 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:38,520 So if you were to get... If I was to come in the house, 797 00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:41,920 and then quickly get a stranger to come in, 798 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:43,760 I could flip my dog. 799 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,160 LAUGHTER 800 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:49,160 What's it mean when it licks its willy? 801 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:50,920 What does that mean? 802 00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:53,560 It just wants to have a good time, I should think. 803 00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:56,080 - I can't think of any other reason. - Noted. 804 00:38:56,080 --> 00:39:00,680 Yeah. So, dogs show they're pleased to see you by raising an eyebrow. 805 00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:03,080 Which cat never changes its spots? 806 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:07,120 Well, now, see, I sense a trap. 807 00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:08,880 Do you? 808 00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:10,480 - LION BUZZER - Oh, lion. 809 00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:13,760 Is it the jaguar? 810 00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:15,000 Good. 811 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:19,360 Because if you shave a jaguar it's got that, 812 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:22,920 the jaguar pattern on its skin, that's not its fur. 813 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:26,040 So therefore, it doesn't matter how many times you shave it, 814 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:27,880 the spots remain the same. 815 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,480 Interesting. It's not the correct answer. 816 00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:32,280 All right, I'll be off, then. 817 00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:34,800 We avoided saying the leopard. 818 00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:36,880 Yes, because that was the trap I sensed. 819 00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,720 We can see a little leopard kitten, with its mother, 820 00:39:39,720 --> 00:39:41,400 and you can see the leopard kitten 821 00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:44,000 really does have quite tight spots, very close together, 822 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:47,200 and the mother has what are called rosettes, which are very different. 823 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:48,480 The animal actually is a lion 824 00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,480 and the spots are where its whiskers sprout from. 825 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:53,560 And you can see those little lines of dots there. 826 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,440 - Oh. Like it's been sniffing glue, like that. - They never change. 827 00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:59,080 They never ever change, so they're like fingerprints - you can 828 00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:01,600 identify a particular lion just by the array of its spots. 829 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:03,520 You'd have to get very close to it, though. 830 00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:06,320 - And you wouldn't necessarily want to do that. - No. - No, exactly. 831 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:09,200 So, it's lions, not leopards, that never change their spots. 832 00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,600 Which is the biggest of the big cats, though? 833 00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:13,960 - LION BUZZER - Yes, lion in first. 834 00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:16,200 Is it the jaguar? 835 00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:20,200 - LAUGHTER - No. Not even the V12. No, I'm afraid not. 836 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:22,240 Any other thoughts? 837 00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:24,120 Well, the lion? 838 00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:25,640 ALARM BLARES 839 00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,000 - The leopard? No. - Panther? 840 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:30,560 - The tiger, is it the tiger? - You're both half-right. 841 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,320 - The cougar. - Oh, it's the... 842 00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:34,760 It's the labratiger. Labratiger. 843 00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:36,280 The labratiger! 844 00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:40,240 - The liger? - It is the liger, and the liger is composed of what? 845 00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:42,520 - A lion and a tiger. - But which gender round? 846 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:45,960 The front half is a tiger. LAUGHTER 847 00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,600 The back half, it's like a dodgy safari salesman. 848 00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,880 - "Tell you what, mate, that's lovely, that's a lion, that is." - Cut and shove. 849 00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:53,960 - A male tiger and a female lion. - Yes. 850 00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:55,800 In both cases they put the male first, 851 00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:58,200 so if it's a liger, it's a lion male and a tiger female. 852 00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:01,760 And if it's a tigon, then it's a male tiger and a female... 853 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:05,280 - The best one is the zeraffe. Yeah. - Well... 854 00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:08,040 It's just got a zebra body and then a giraffe neck, 855 00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:10,160 and it's always falling forward. 856 00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:11,960 LAUGHTER 857 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:16,280 There are zebroids, which are zebras crossed with all kinds of... 858 00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:17,880 Asteroids. Haemorrhoids. 859 00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:19,840 LAUGHTER 860 00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,040 - That's an example... - A dragon and a... 861 00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:25,520 That's a very extraordinary mixture. In January 2014, 862 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:29,760 the first set of white ligers was born, and there they are. 863 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:33,720 - Aww. - And they are possibly going to be the biggest big cats ever. 864 00:41:33,720 --> 00:41:35,080 They're already pretty huge. 865 00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:37,800 Looks like one of those things on the end of your bed with a zip 866 00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,680 - that you used to put your pyjamas in. - Yes! 867 00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:42,280 A footstool for All Saints. 868 00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:43,920 Haven't seen All Saints for years. 869 00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:48,720 Their, er, their diet is exclusively magicians. 870 00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:50,760 LAUGHTER 871 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,320 So you get a zebroid, you get a wholfin... 872 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:56,680 A wolf and a dolphin?! 873 00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:58,200 No! 874 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:02,280 - Wh-olfin. - They howl out their blowholes. 875 00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,440 HE HOWLS 876 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:07,280 The best one is a werewholfin. 877 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:09,400 That's where every full moon, 878 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,880 a wolf-dolphin leaps out of the sea 879 00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:13,880 and changes into a man. 880 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:17,760 It's a mixture of what's known as a false killer whale 881 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:19,600 and a bottlenose dolphin. 882 00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:22,440 There you are. There's only one in existence in captivity, 883 00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:24,520 but there have been others reported in the wild. 884 00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:27,120 They've been seen on the M1 in big tank cars. 885 00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,080 Indeed. 886 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:31,480 So, good, excellent. 887 00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:34,440 That brings me to the scores. Let's leap to them. 888 00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:36,280 In last place, I'm afraid, 889 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:41,360 he's come thousands of miles to be minus 20, it's Colin Lane. 890 00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:43,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 891 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:50,320 In third place, twice as good a score, 892 00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,240 but still minus 10, Sarah Millican. 893 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:54,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 894 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:59,160 And minus 5, Alan Davies! 895 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:01,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 896 00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:07,320 Which means that our winner on a staggering plus 6 is Ross Noble! 897 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:09,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 898 00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:17,840 So, it's good night from Sarah, Ross, Colin, Alan and me. 899 00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:21,160 And I leave you with the last words of Noel Coward, of all people, 900 00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:24,600 and how sad they are - "Good night, my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow." 901 00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,160 Good night. 902 00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:27,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE