1 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,880 Goooood...evening! 3 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:35,480 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,440 and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,160 where tonight, we'll be looking at the three L's. 6 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:44,720 That's Location, Location and Location. 7 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,480 And on the road to L 8 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,920 are the fiendish Aisling Bea... 9 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,560 ..the diabolical Jason Manford... 11 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:59,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,400 ..the Mephistophelian Johnny Vegas... 13 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:06,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,240 ..and that infernal Alan Davies. 15 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,680 They all have satanic horns. 17 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:18,080 Aisling goes... 18 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,600 - BIKE HORN TOOTS - Oh! 19 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:21,840 - Excuse me. - Jason goes... 20 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,520 - SCAR HORN HONKS - Classic. 21 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,560 Johnny goes... 22 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:30,560 TRUCK HORN BLASTS 23 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,880 And Alan has a tail. 24 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:36,280 CHILD: "Are we nearly there yet?" 25 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,560 Ah! 26 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:41,320 Now, for your convenience, we have a lavatory on site. 27 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:44,040 GAMESHOW-STYLE JINGLE PLAYS 28 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,000 TOILET FLUSHES 29 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,040 This being the L series, there is a very good chance 30 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,680 that there will be one question 31 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:54,040 to which the answer will be lavatorial. 32 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:58,200 - Are you all right, darling? - That's harder than I thought it was. 33 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,920 Did you hit yourself with a penny? 34 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,280 And if that is the case, 35 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,400 you can play your Spend A Penny card. 36 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,800 And if you are right, you will get extra points, 37 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,960 such is the nature of that particular joker. 38 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,880 Now, here's a question about a very special location. 39 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:15,600 What would you find at the exact centre 40 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,120 of the observable universe? 41 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:19,480 You? 42 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,640 LAUGHTER 43 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,760 Well, oddly enough...possibly. 44 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:26,520 - Norfolk. - Norfolk! Yes. 45 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,440 There isn't a centre of the universe, really, 46 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:35,280 so isn't the centre of the universe just the person who's looking...out? 47 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,640 Because it must be the same... 48 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,760 You are so absolutely right, it hurts. 49 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,720 - ..in any direction? Yeah. - That's brilliant. 50 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,520 APPLAUSE 51 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,200 Never ends, never ends. 52 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:52,280 I know a thing, I know a thing because our esteemed creator, 53 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:58,360 John Lloyd, in his rather good Edinburgh Festival show, 54 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:02,600 told us that, of all the billions of galaxies that there are, 55 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,680 there are only a certain number observable from Earth. 56 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,040 Do you know what it is? Do you know what it is? 57 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,280 Do you know? Four. 58 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,400 - Four what, observable from Earth? - Other galaxies. 59 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,160 - Other than our own. - And, well... 60 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,840 I remember, at school, them doing something with a balloon. 61 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,000 - Yes. - The teacher, and he put loads of dots on a balloon 62 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,680 and...he sort of said it was, like, 63 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:27,600 the closest to explaining the universe as he could do. 64 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,120 That's absolutely right. 65 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,360 Although there has been an absolute statement 66 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,000 of where the centre of the universe is, 67 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,840 which is that it's at the meeting of Bank Street and Sixth Street 68 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:39,960 in the town of Wallace, Idaho. 69 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,880 There it is - the centre of the universe. 70 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,680 - Is that the Mayor of Idaho, though? Has he said that? - Yeah. - Well... 71 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,640 They're not doing well for tourism and gone, 72 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,520 - "Why don't we say the centre of the universe is here?" - You're right. 73 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,240 He said it because there was no particular scientific evidence 74 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,160 to say it wasn't the centre of the universe. 75 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,760 - So they decided... - "We'll have it!" - We could say that of anywhere. 76 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,240 Americans like to stake a claim, they're land-grabbers. 77 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,240 - It's in their... - Yeah. 78 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,000 ..in their DNA, so to be, 79 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,320 not that we weren't, in our colonial era, of course. 80 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,760 Isn't the sun the centre of the universe? 81 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,440 STEPHEN LAUGHS 82 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,920 Well... Sorry, I don't know why I laughed like that. 83 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:19,800 What a way to build my confidence for the rest of the show(!) 84 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,800 - That was the most... - I thought that was a serious question, too, 85 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,400 we both look to you and you looked at us 86 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,040 like the peasants of the land, 87 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,600 going, "Will we ever be free of this tyranny? 88 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,840 "Ha-ha-ha! Never, never, never." 89 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,120 "I'd like to go in the toilet, 90 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,400 "but doesn't the Wickey Hole witch live there? 91 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,960 "Oh, ha-ha-ha!" 92 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:39,200 Well, I'm sorry that it sounded quite so patronising. 93 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,680 The centre of the universe 94 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,960 is apparently Bank Street and Sixth Street in Wallace, Idaho. 95 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,480 - Or... - The sun. 96 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,320 THEY CHUCKLE HAUGHTILY 97 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,440 APPLAUSE 98 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:01,360 You beasts, you beasts. You unutterable beasts. 99 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,560 At the exact centre of the observable universe, 100 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,040 you'll find the unbearable likeness of Johnny Vegas, 101 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,600 or whoever happens to be observing it. 102 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:13,920 We all know what the Big Bang Theory is but what's the Big Splat Theory? 103 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,120 SCATTERED LAUGHTER 104 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:18,560 Does the Big Bang come out the Big Splat? 105 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,480 No, no... It doesn't. 106 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,920 Is it the last thing you hear before an anvil hits your head? 107 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,480 Oh! Horrible. 108 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,920 Ah! 109 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:31,600 Is it something to do with, I don't know, the Earth... 110 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,680 Was the Earth and the moon and all the other planets one thing 111 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,560 - and then it... - You're on fire today, Jason. - Am I? 112 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,880 Thank you, Mr Stilliano, 113 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:44,840 - Physics teacher. - It is a theory. It's the sort of predominant theory 114 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,360 cos nobody knows where the moon came from. 115 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:51,040 There was a theory that there was a planet called Theia. 116 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,960 In Greek mythology Theia was the mother of Selene, 117 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,400 who's the goddess of the moon. 118 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:59,360 And that there was a collision with the Earth and... 119 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,120 That's it, I remember that. 120 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,240 Looks like a sun hat. 121 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:11,160 - The world is going on a nice... - Has the world gone to the races? 122 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,080 The idea is that Theia banged into the Earth, 123 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,760 or banged a piece of matter into the Earth - if that were true 124 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,440 then the moon should contain bits of alien rock as well as Earth rock. 125 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:23,360 As it is, it only contains bits of rock that are similar to 126 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:24,920 those on Earth, almost identical. 127 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,280 Didn't something land and kill all the dinosaurs...? 128 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,040 There were several extinction events, one of which was, 129 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,400 supposedly, yeah, a big, big, big meteor. 130 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,120 The other one was a huge volcano 131 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,280 which caused a huge greenhouse effect. 132 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:41,280 I remember years ago, when Mount St Helens went off in the States, 133 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:45,160 that was at an age where I obviously thought it was in my home town. 134 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:50,240 I thought my parents were being incredibly casual... 135 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:54,520 about the impending doom when I was packing a bag and saying, 136 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,640 "We should really go to Blackpool. 137 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,960 "Or at least to a safe zone." 138 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,200 I thought St Helens was only a Rugby League team, 139 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:06,560 - I didn't know it was a town as well. - Yeah. Big enough to be a city. 140 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,720 They could build a cathedral but that would attract outsiders, 141 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:13,520 and they would only question our ways. 142 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,880 And who wants that, Stephen? 143 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,720 I think we might be coming to your ways later. 144 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,800 - Oh. - Yeah, so be on the qui vive, as they say in France. The fact is, 145 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,600 the Big Splat is one of the theories about the creation of the moon. 146 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,760 There are a few others - one was Charles Darwin's son, George, 147 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,680 who said that a huge lump of material was flung off the Earth 148 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,320 by the extreme speed of its rotation at the beginning of its existence. 149 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,560 Nonsense. 150 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,520 The hole it left is the Pacific Ocean. 151 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:46,040 - No, he's guessing there. - Well... 152 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,760 He's got a clever dad and thought, "People will believe me." 153 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,840 And there's a final theory, which we rather like, which is that 154 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,840 Venus had the moon and we appropriated it 155 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:57,120 as it passed by at one point. It's particularly good 156 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,880 cos the people who devised this theory don't really believe it, 157 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,640 they just want to keep the argument alive and come up with fresh ideas. 158 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,160 Which is rather pleasing. 159 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:08,480 They've just invented a theory to keep the argument alive? 160 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,880 - Basically, yeah. - I had an ex-girlfriend like that. 161 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,560 LAUGHTER 162 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,320 Very good, I can imagine it. 163 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,680 Yes, nobody knows where the moon came from. 164 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:22,240 Now, if Johnny and Jason got naked, covered their legs... 165 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:26,880 LAUGHTER 166 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,400 - Wow! - It's pretty good, isn't it? 167 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,120 APPLAUSE 168 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,560 - Wow. - I know. - I mean, I can't unsee that now... 169 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:39,480 I can't wait after the show to open wedding gifts together. 170 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,680 Be still, the beating hearts of the nation. 171 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:45,360 If they got naked, covered their legs in lard 172 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:49,040 and put their hands on each other's shoulders, 173 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,080 what could we expect to happen next? 174 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,880 I would guess... 175 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,280 OFCOM would get involved. 176 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,800 - Something COM. Yeah. - Yeah. 177 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,000 I'd obviously be the... 178 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,800 - The bitch? - ..female in the relationship. 179 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,160 - You know, I'm the one who needs rescuing. - The bottom. Yeah. 180 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,280 ALAN: Why are their legs in lard? Are they going to slither about? 181 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,440 Legs are important in this particular pursuit. 182 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,280 You were talking about "We don't want people to come to St Helens 183 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,280 "because they might not approve of our ways." 184 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:21,360 It's a red wine that we are about to trample the grapes for 185 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,080 that you can also fry with. 186 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,400 I like the idea of that - Lancashire wine... 187 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,600 - Yeah, it's the first kind of sipping lard. - Yes, that's right. 188 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,880 So you can have a glass and do your chips in it also. 189 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:38,600 - Available in every Yates' Wine Lodge. Ooh. - Yeah. 190 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,560 There'd be a rush, like at Christmas, 191 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,440 when Jamie Oliver said to use goose fat, 192 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,000 but this time, they'd be using comedians'...dripping. 193 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,680 You'd go, "Do you know what? These potatoes taste a bit funny." 194 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,520 Twice-fried Johnny dripping. 195 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,480 - NORTHERN ACCENT: - Now, we're in t'north and, um... 196 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,480 Forgive me for my accent, I do my best. 197 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,960 We're in t'north and... 198 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,000 Sound like you've swallowed your tongue. 199 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,640 It's a pursuit in the north west. 200 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,240 JOHNNY: It's not shin-kicking? 201 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,840 - Yes, it is shin-kicking. - Ah! - You knew about shin-kicking. 202 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,000 - I did, my uncle was one. - Wahey! 203 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,240 APPLAUSE 204 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:17,440 Very good. There you are. I don't know if he left - 205 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,240 - did he bequeath you his pair of clogs? - He was... You know what, 206 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,200 by the time I knew him, he was blind and spoke, like, 207 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,200 pretty much nonsense in the corner. 208 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,440 But he was a phenomenal shin-kicker. 209 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,360 He was a very tough man and that was his pastime, shin-kicking. 210 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,920 - Is that a blade? - Yes, it is. - Wow. 211 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,440 You take it in turns 212 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,080 to kick each other in the shins as hard as you can. 213 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,600 And it's the first person to, to burst into... 214 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,320 Do you know what they cry if they give up? It's rather wonderful. 215 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,160 - You'd think it'd be, "I give in." Or, "Oh, stop it, no." - "Stop it." 216 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:50,520 "Go on with your bother!" No... 217 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,800 - It's... - "Stop kicking me shin, you..." - It's not that. 218 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:55,920 They shout, "Sufficient!" 219 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:59,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 220 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:00,840 That's the cry. 221 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,000 Oddly enough, that's my climax call. 222 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,520 "Sufficient!" 223 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:12,880 Very good. 224 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,520 It's... Now, I'd like to stress, 225 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,840 there's no domestic violence involved. 226 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:21,680 - No, no. - It's just that, we're not greedy in our nature up north. 227 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:25,000 I have to confess, I've never heard the phrase "climax call" before. 228 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,080 So it took a bit of time for me to understand what you were saying. 229 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:31,480 - Forgive me for that. - I think it's actually from bird watching. - Is it? 230 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,880 Did they rip the skin off each other's legs and stuff? 231 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,000 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, God! - One of the reasons for larding the shins 232 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,520 was in order to encourage a glancing blow, 233 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,240 rather than a really vicious one. 234 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,800 But the skill was obviously to move your legs 235 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,160 so that it was a glancing blow. 236 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,440 Is it if you put your hands on the shoulders, you know 237 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,960 the way you can't hit someone if you put them at arm's length 238 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,600 - and do they try to not get kicked? - I think it means you're in 239 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,000 a stable position, so you're not escaping completely. 240 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,320 But you can move your legs. 241 00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:00,600 I don't know how short the legs are of people you know but standing there 242 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:04,120 you've still got a fair bit of range, haven't you? 243 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,920 You've been doing it with Ewoks. 244 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,600 The more I get to know you, the more I think men are mad. 245 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,640 - I'm afraid you're right. - They're always up to something ridiculous. 246 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,960 Kicking each other on the lardy shins - you're like... 247 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,240 Shin-kicking is probably what it was called on an everyday basis. 248 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,560 In the 19th century there was a special word for it, 249 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,200 which was "purring" or "purrin". 250 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,000 "Purrin" or "porrin" or "parrin". They seem to be all used. 251 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,000 Parrin, purrin - "parring", maybe, because you were parrying away. 252 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,760 Nobody quite knows, but anyway. 253 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,200 It was a popular pastime. A lot of betting on it. 254 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,720 Yeah. And there are shin-kickers to this day 255 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:42,480 in the oldest Olympics Games since the Greek ones, 256 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,200 which we've covered before, which are in the Cotswolds. 257 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,600 You can see... 258 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,760 Do they have a Channel 4 programme called Shin-Kickers' Wives? 259 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,600 Where they're like, "Oh, my God, 260 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,960 "he's making so much money kicking shins. I love him. 261 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,600 "I don't like his personality, but it's just the money." 262 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:00,720 - Is he called the stickler? - He's the stickler, 263 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:01,960 he's the umpire or referee. 264 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,760 - "A stickler for detail", is that where that comes from? - Exactly. 265 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,560 - I like that. - You can probably see that he's got straw coming out 266 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,960 of the bottom of his trousers and that's what they used. 267 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,680 They pad their shins. 268 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,280 They're not like tough northerners, they pad their shins. 269 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,680 Cos this is in the Cotswolds. 270 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,680 - "Get a bit of lard on that, you soft lad." - That's it. 271 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:23,040 Next thing you know, they'll be bringing in Crocs. 272 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:26,120 It'll be going on for nine days, your shin-kicking. 273 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,360 - That castle looks really old. - I'm not sure it's a real castle. 274 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,240 Don't spoil it! 275 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,760 You have to spoil everything. 276 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,960 Get a wind up and that's going over, isn't it? 277 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,640 People are bouncing around going, 278 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,000 "Are you sure this is a real castle?" "Yes." 279 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,480 My gran used to say "sufficient" when she'd eaten enough. 280 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,200 - Oh, "ample sufficiency"? - Yeah. - That's the phrase. 281 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,640 You can say ample... or I've had sufficient. 282 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:57,040 JOHNNY: Or your grandad was kicking her under the table. 283 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,040 And she didn't want to let on. 284 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,240 She'd just put her knife down, "Sufficient." 285 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,840 Sitting there weeping once you'd gone home. 286 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,040 We should have done it when we had the Olympics. 287 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,240 You know you're allowed to include a couple of games 288 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,000 and people are going, "Put darts in." 289 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,120 Like, stuff we were good at. "Put snooker in." 290 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,960 Should have gone, "Put shin-kicking in." 291 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:23,400 - Just some poor Brazilian going, "What?" - "Take that, Germany!" 292 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,600 I just can't bear the thought of all the other countries beating us at it. 293 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,200 "We invented this!" Yeah, exactly. 294 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,520 "Oh, that's enough of Johnny Foreigner doing this. 295 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,360 "Should've kept this quiet!" 296 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,400 The Shin-Kicker's Association of Britain are known as SKAB, 297 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,000 - you'll be pleased to know. - Are they? - Perhaps appropriately. 298 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,200 And Johnny's uncle was one, which is jolly, we never knew that. 299 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,080 - Really impressive. - Genuinely. 300 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:48,840 Shin-kicking was a popular sport in Lancashire pubs for 150 years. 301 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,640 Now, here's a pub in Lancashire. 302 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:54,080 My question is how did Spanking Roger woo the ladies? 303 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,240 - I know that pub. - Do you know it? 304 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,840 - Yeah, I do. - Where is it? 305 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,880 It's in like, I think it's in Kersal or Salford area. 306 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:04,760 - It's Manchester area, quite right. - When I went to university - 307 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,480 I know, I did - 308 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,920 I lived in a place called Castle Irwell, 309 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,200 which was a dog track before we... 310 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,680 - Destroyed it. - It became a student village. Yes. - Right. 311 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,200 But every year, there was a race down the hill naked. 312 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,760 - And they would run down. - Yes. 313 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,160 All the blokes would. I didn't, obviously, I didn't... 314 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,440 I'm a grower, not a shower. 315 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,960 And this pub was part... 316 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,320 I think the guy, Spanking Roger... 317 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:37,000 That's how he got his wife - there was something to do with his wife, 318 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,480 where he was naked and she had a little look, 319 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,960 he was quite well-endowed and thought, "I'll have him." 320 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,800 You're right. This naked running was on Kersal Moor. 321 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,920 Kersal Moor, which has now become Castle Irwell, 322 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:48,440 which is now a student village. 323 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,480 Exactly. We've got a picture as it used to be, which is beautiful. 324 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,720 It was much more of a shit-hole when I was there. 325 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:58,880 Now it's just vomit and empty Pringles tubes. 326 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,360 But he...that guy, Spanking Roger, 327 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,640 even though it sounds like he was a bit of an idiot, 328 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,760 he ended up being a big guy in the army. 329 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,880 Like...I think he defended Gibraltar or something like that. 330 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,480 Absolutely right. He was the great hero of Gibraltar. 331 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,760 - This is brilliant. He's on fire! - APPLAUSE 332 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,520 It's like watching Slumdog Millionaire 333 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,360 or something like that, going, "How did you know that one?" 334 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,440 We have rather... It is your manor, isn't it? 335 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,200 That's where I grew up, round the corner from there. 336 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:33,160 And he was a fascinating character, Spanking Roger, as he was known. 337 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,560 He was from Scotland, actually, in the Scots Dragoons. 338 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,880 And he came down, 6'4" high and of ample endowment, it seems, 339 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,360 because he did do the naked run. 340 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,800 That's it, precisely. 341 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,480 That's why he was called Spanking Roger. 342 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,320 He could only do it in the summer 343 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,760 when the slapping didn't hurt him quite so much. 344 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,960 - But he did catch the eye... - Or the lard. 345 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:06,640 ..catch the eye of a 65-year-old widow, whom he married. 346 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,040 - With his... - Literally? 347 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,800 Yeah - caught her in the eye. 348 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,880 "My eye! My eye!" 349 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,200 Her name was Minshull, Barbara Minshull. 350 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:18,200 That's right - Minshull Courts in Manchester 351 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,760 and Minshull Street is where... where her family are from. 352 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,120 - She was a rich family, yeah. - Yeah. I think she died... 353 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,520 This is back in the 1760s when they married. 354 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,760 The next day, he was immediately betraying her, 355 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,400 spending all her money. He spent it on, essentially, 356 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,080 he would have bare-knuckle fights. 357 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,360 If anybody beat him, they were, sort of, free, 358 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,120 but if he beat them, he dragooned them, as it were. 359 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,040 Is that why he's called Spanking Roger? 360 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,000 Yeah. I mean, he's called Spanking Roger... 361 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,520 He spanked 'em, then you had to be in his army. 362 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:44,720 That's exactly the reason. 363 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:49,080 He's got a hell of camel foot for someone who's well-endowed. 364 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,880 He has a bit. I think the artist was modest. 365 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,720 - Yeah. - Eating his shorts. 366 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,520 And life was extraordinary, because he, as you rightly say, 367 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,760 was the hero of Gibraltar, with this dragooned army there. 368 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,080 It was the longest siege in British military history, 369 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,760 held out for four years and kept the Rock, 370 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,280 as we still have at time of going to press, unless the Spanish 371 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,720 have had something to do with it. His wife died, he got into 372 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,760 terrible debt, came back impoverished. 373 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,200 Found another woman whom he married, she was Scottish. 374 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,960 And he died a very rich man indeed. So he had a pretty splendid life. 375 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,280 A spanking life, in fact. 376 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,600 Why do they say "spanking" for "good", in England? 377 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,040 - "Spanking good time" and... - It's a very good point, isn't it? 378 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,640 The great, much lamented Christopher Hitchens once said, 379 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,920 "There is no surname in English that cannot be improved 380 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,680 "by having the word Spanker put in front of it." 381 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,720 Spanker Manford. 382 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,080 Spanker Vegas. 383 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,080 - Spanker Bea. Spanker Bea is terrific, isn't it? - Yeah. 384 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:47,040 - It would be hard to spank a bee. - There's the queen bee. - Yeah. 385 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,720 There's worker bees and then there's the spanker bees. 386 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,600 Spanker bee. 387 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,920 "I bumped into old Spanker Davies at the club the other day." 388 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 389 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,240 Well, Spanking Roger didn't spank ladies - 390 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,040 he spanked the French and the Spanish. 391 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:11,560 Roger was a strapping 6'4" with a Scottish accent, 392 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,560 but what's short, talks gibberish 393 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,360 and is much sought after in Merseyside? 394 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,160 - Kevin Keegan. - Johnny's uncle. 395 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:22,240 - Is it a Diddy Man? - It's not the Diddy Men, though, oddly enough, 396 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:25,920 you could barely be closer. In Liverpool, there was this - 397 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,720 there it is in case you wanted to know what Merseyside looked like - 398 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,200 ferry across the Mersey. 399 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:35,520 What's the largest, best-known ethnic minority in Liverpool, 400 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,760 - would you say? - Irish, I'd say. - The Irish, of course. - Yes. 401 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,040 Because the Liverpool accent is very like the Dublin accent. 402 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,280 - They're quite close to each other. - DUBLIN ACCENT: - People talk like that. 403 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,960 - LIVERPOOL ACCENT: - All of a sudden, they're from Liverpool. 404 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,080 - So if you go backwards you'll end up... - Ken Doherty. That's right. 405 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,200 - Exactly. - Irish, yes. - So you've got Diddy Men 406 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,760 and you've got Ireland. 407 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,200 Are you saying short, talking gibberish are Irish people? 408 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,640 No. But you've got Diddy Men, who are little people, 409 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,680 little people created by Ken Dodd. 410 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:08,320 - And you've got the Irish. So it's not Diddy Men. - Leprechauns. 411 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,920 Leprechauns! Thank you very much, Johnny Vaughan... 412 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,360 - Johnny Vaughan?! - Johnny Vaughan? 413 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,360 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 414 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:21,480 Well, it was a particular event in 1964. 415 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,760 It was thousands of Liverpudlian children 416 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,920 streamed into the parks to look for leprechauns, 417 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,040 because there was a rumour some had been seen, 418 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,080 or one had been seen, or something, 419 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:37,000 and they tore up plants and they ravaged the entire park system, 420 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,520 for 11 or 12 days in July '64. 421 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,160 And then it just stopped, as suddenly as it had begun. 422 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:47,080 It sounds like the Americans coming to Ireland. 423 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,040 That's what they did, looking for leprechauns. Then it just stopped, 424 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,760 they took their IT companies with them, they just never came back. 425 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,320 Can I just say, just to be a little bit of a nit-picker here? 426 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,080 - Those are garden gnomes. - Yeah, I know. 427 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,160 I feel very racially offended. 428 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,000 - Yes. - You're a stickler. 429 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,720 I'll give you points if you tell me how a leprechaun should look? 430 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,600 - How a leprechaun should look? - Yeah. 431 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:14,200 - He should look...charming in the eye. - Right. 432 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,800 He should have a sort of a jaunty gait about him. 433 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,680 - Right. - And then a green hat and green outfit 434 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,680 and you can only find one at the end of a rainbow. 435 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,200 - Should he be bearded? - Should he be bearded? 436 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:28,840 If he's not bearded, it is just a child wearing an outfit, 437 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,160 welcoming you to Ireland. 438 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,240 - It's got a big red bushy beard... - A red beard. 439 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,800 - Because I've got one. - Have you? Hmm. 440 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,120 - A big red bushy beard? - You've got a leprechaun? 441 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,080 You can get them at Dublin Airport. 442 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,360 - A leprechaun? - If you press them on the tummy, they go, 443 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,640 # When Irish eyes are smiling... # 444 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,680 It's one of the spookiest, scariest things. 445 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,880 My kids love it, but me and the wife are terrified. 446 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,880 Like a Chippy Doll? If anyone presses it... 447 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,760 # When Irish eyes are smiling... # 448 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,240 - Oh, horrible! - Yes. - You keep throwing it out the window 449 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:54,760 and then it keeps on coming back in. 450 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,440 - I think it's supposed to be cute, but it's actually like a horror film. - Oh. 451 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,320 "Look at my lucky charms, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..." 452 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:07,760 - Oh, don't, oh! - And it's got sort of an old man's voice in the distance. 453 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:08,960 I'll bring it in. 454 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:12,240 My kids have got a bear and it's got a red heart on it, 455 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:13,640 and you press it and it glows. 456 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,720 And every so often you'll just hear it sort of, it'll go, "I love you." 457 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,920 - And all, you know. - Oh! - "I can see you," or whatever. 458 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,240 The worst one is, "I see you." And I remember one night... 459 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,720 Oh, do you...? No! 460 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,440 I went to the toilet and in the middle of the night, 461 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,880 half asleep, and the batteries were going on it. 462 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,000 I was sort of...all of a sudden, I just heard... 463 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,320 - DISTORTED VOICE: - "I see you..." 464 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,920 - That's very disturbing. - Absolutely terrifying. 465 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,400 I wouldn't recover from that. 466 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,280 - Well, interesting. - "I can see you..." 467 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,240 Who am I to tell you that you've got it slightly wrong 468 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,960 - in what leprechauns look like, because... - All right, Stephen. 469 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,560 No, I'm, I'm going by... 470 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,400 Look down upon me and tell me what we did wrong this time. 471 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,520 I'm going on early information, rather than late, you know, 472 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,520 20th century information. 473 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,440 There are inventions which come from the 20th century, 474 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,440 which include the fact that they wear green clothes and tall hats. 475 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,000 And they have ginger beards. 476 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,440 According to fairy legends and traditions 477 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,880 of the south of Ireland from 1825, proper leprechauns - 478 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,960 if there is such a thing - are all... 479 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,920 They have a trade - shoemakers. They're all shoemakers. 480 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,280 And they are exclusively what? 481 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:24,800 - ALAN: White. - Yes. They are. 482 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,400 They're exclusively white. 483 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,120 - And? - Old. - Male? 484 00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:37,800 - Male. - Male, oh. - Is the right idea. And there's the shamrock, of course. 485 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,080 There's a rule that an Irish person told me - 486 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,480 "Never go into an Irish pub in America or London 487 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,240 "that has a neon shamrock, because it'll be crap." 488 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,200 - Is that right? - Yeah. I mean, it would be a bit dodgy. - Yeah. 489 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,320 - Any American sort of Irish pub. - Yeah. 490 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,240 - AMERICAN ACCENT: - "Come on in to be sure 491 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,880 "and you'll have a right old great craic of a time." 492 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,400 That must be very annoying. 493 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,800 Yeah. But this particular chase happened, as I say, in '64, 494 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,920 but in 1982, a man called Brian, which is a good Irish name, 495 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:09,000 told the Liverpool Echo that he had been working in the park 496 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,000 when some children saw him and mocked him for his height, 497 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:13,400 or rather lack of it. 498 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,920 And so, joining in the sport, he spoke in sort of... 499 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,840 "Ah-de-da-de-da-de-da!" Sort of Irish gibberish. 500 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,680 I know, I'm sorry, I'm doing what he did. 501 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,880 Threw sods of earth at them, and they ran away frightened, 502 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,040 thinking he was a leprechaun. 503 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,880 Because they'd called him a leprechaun. 504 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,040 They said, "Oi, you! You're a leprechaun!" 505 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,400 And he went, "I am that, da-de-da-de-da-de-da..." 506 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,840 And so they all said, "We saw a leprechaun, we saw..." 507 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:41,320 You know. "Saw a real one, saw a real leprechaun, in the park." 508 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,680 And so all these kids, were like, you know, they all invaded it. 509 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,920 It's like a lost episode of Brookside, this. 510 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,680 It is, isn't it? Where does it begin? 511 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:52,560 But these particular things happen from time to time, 512 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,080 these mass delusions, or whatever you might call them. 513 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:58,280 They're called the children's hunt, when they involve children. 514 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,040 So in 1964, as Beatlemania swept the world, 515 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:02,680 leprechaun mania swept Liverpool. 516 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:06,600 Which London attraction cost two arms and two legs to enter? 517 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,920 Oh, look at that, isn't that gorgeous? 518 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:12,760 - Ladybird Book, don't you think? - Yes, it's got the look of a Ladybird Book. 519 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:14,920 It looks like there's been a pigeon accident 520 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,680 and they're all gathered round the scene to see what happened. 521 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,120 - Is this picture a clue? - No, it's not at all. 522 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:21,960 It's not to do with art, is it? 523 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,280 - No, it's not. - Tower of London. 524 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,240 The Tower of London is where we need to be. 525 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,840 Cue picture of Tower of London. 526 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,960 - Traitors' Gate's all I know. - There's the Tower of London. 527 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,400 And we're talking about an attraction within 528 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,440 the Tower of London that lasted for 600 years. 529 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:40,320 Henry I, who was a very early king, had a particular, 530 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,320 rather exciting luxury that he was very fond of 531 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,360 that he kept in Woodstock in Oxfordshire. 532 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:49,520 And King John, who was late 13th century, 533 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:53,160 moved it to the Tower of London where it stayed for 600 years. 534 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:57,680 And you had to pay to get in to see it but you could - 535 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:01,040 I say two arms and two legs, it's really four legs, to be honest. 536 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:02,840 Oh, an animal. 537 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:05,000 You could bring in an animal and that would... 538 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,960 - Four chicken drumsticks. Bucket of KFC. - No... 539 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:13,560 That would get you in free because they would use the animal 540 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,880 - to satisfy what you were going to see. - A dragon! 541 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:20,240 - A mincer. - Sort of like a dragon to them. - A mincer! 542 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,920 - Lion or a... - Bears? 543 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,680 Lion and bear, yes, all those things. A big menagerie... 544 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:26,560 - Oh, wow. - ..as zoos were called. 545 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:30,320 There's an 18th century, by the look of it, cartoon. 546 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,520 - That's the last dodo. - Oh, it does look a bit like it, doesn't it? 547 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:37,600 I think it's some hugely complicated satire that we don't really get. 548 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,000 Anyway, that's a cartoon of the menagerie. 549 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,920 It lasted all the way till 1830 when it was transported to, 550 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,200 - or transferred to...? - London Zoo? - Regent's Park. 551 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,320 To Regent's Park, to London Zoo, yes. So, there was the menagerie. 552 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,360 It was immensely popular all through those years. 553 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:57,000 If you were a sheriff in the city of London and around you had to pay 554 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:01,160 fourpence a day to help with the feeding of the polar bear. 555 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,000 They were presumably quite good animal keepers if they managed to 556 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,280 keep these animals cos they couldn't afford to let them die very quickly. 557 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:10,960 I mean, how long it would take in the 15/16th century to get a lion 558 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,320 to England, it was just inconceivable 559 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:16,240 - how long it would take. - What sort of animals did they have? 560 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:17,400 LAUGHTER 561 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,800 Oh, a cat. Cool(!) 562 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:24,120 A cat... If you brought a cat or a dog to feed to the lions, 563 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:27,400 or the tigers, they had tigers as well. 564 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:31,200 - And they had bears... - Oh, my! - ..as I say, a polar bear. 565 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,960 So they had what were considered immensely exotic animals. 566 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,720 You would feed them and free admission. 567 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:40,320 I bet that was used as a punishment for kids. 568 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,520 "I'll tell you what, you do that again, I'm taking you there 569 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,240 "and you're getting fed to the bloody lions." 570 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:49,680 And you'd walk them right to the door if they were being really bad. 571 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,920 But what if you had a pet lion? 572 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,440 And you turned up and you wanted entry? 573 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,560 And they went, "It's a bit rich for my blood." You know what I mean? 574 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,240 "Yeah, take the lion. See how far you get." 575 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,480 There was a rather unfortunate incident in 1830. 576 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,720 A keeper accidentally allowed two tigers and one lion to be in 577 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:08,880 the same enclosure and there was a horrible fight 578 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,600 that they only managed to end by introducing a sort of red hot prongs 579 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,080 to the noses of the tigers who eventually stalked off. 580 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,800 But who do you think won? 581 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,640 - Two against one... - Yeah, and it's tigers. - The lion king. 582 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,640 No, the lion king didn't win, I'm afraid. 583 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,880 Simba licked his wounds and died a few days later. 584 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:27,320 Very sad. Very sad. 585 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:29,160 But anyway, it was an amazing place. 586 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:30,720 Imagine an imaginary menagerie 587 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,240 managed by an imaginary menagerie manager. 588 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:36,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 589 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:43,840 So, there we are. 590 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:48,800 Now, what would you do in 12th century London if you saw this man? 591 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:53,760 It is a ghost. 592 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,080 Oh, you're spending a penny, are you? 593 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,840 - I'm going to spend my penny, yes. - Jason's spending his penny. 594 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,120 TOILET FLUSHES 595 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:05,320 Must be. 596 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,880 You're absolutely right! Absolutely right. 597 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:09,320 Toilet, toilets. 598 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,400 APPLAUSE 599 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,000 You'd be like... You'd put that round you. 600 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,680 - That's right. Do you want to try it out? - Go on, then. 601 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,240 Is that man an old-fashioned Portaloo? 602 00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:21,720 This is... This is Steve, 603 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,360 one of our most gifted intellectuals. 604 00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:26,120 Intellectual elves. 605 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:29,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 606 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:37,760 Can you pass me the newspaper? Pass the newspaper! 607 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:41,360 And I believe there's an extra farthing for a happy ending, 608 00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:43,360 but the... 609 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,240 - Have you had sufficient? - Sufficient. 610 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:50,200 Sufficient! In the 12th century, there were those who were a little 611 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:52,600 bit too, you know, a little bit pernickety 612 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,400 and didn't want to be seen taking a poo in the street, as many did. 613 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,160 And so these gentlemen would come around with their big capes 614 00:29:58,160 --> 00:29:59,960 and allow you a little bit of privacy. 615 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,720 Did people used to just poo in the street? 616 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,240 - Otherwise they would poo in the street. - Would they? - Yeah. 617 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:08,920 - Times have changed, haven't they, Stephen? - They have, absolutely. 618 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:11,560 Though there's a lot of peeing in the street, late at night. 619 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:16,040 - Yeah. - A huge amount. - Yeah, and I'll admit to that. But, you know... 620 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:17,960 Quite. Needs must. 621 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,120 May I thank our senior elf, 622 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,560 who has done something well beneath his huge dignity? 623 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,000 Steve Colwen, ladies and gentlemen - thank you. 624 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:29,040 APPLAUSE 625 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,320 Marvellous service. 626 00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:37,840 We do know the name of one of these - Thomas Butcher. 627 00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:40,480 He's in the records. He was fined for overcharging. 628 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:44,360 - Oh, really? - Yeah. - What, afterwards? Like, he had a look in and went, 629 00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:49,400 - "I think you can give me a fiver." - Possibly! Oh, dear. 630 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:51,240 Did he have anyone standing beside him, 631 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:53,800 selling deodorant and lollipops? 632 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,720 Toilet roll, really, that's what you want. 633 00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:02,840 There's an animal that sort of also does that similar draping effect. 634 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:06,560 - Do you know what it is? - Yeah, it's a bird with its feathers. 635 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,360 - I can't... Is it a nights...? - It's a black heron. 636 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:12,800 - And why would it do that? - To protect its eggs. 637 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,960 There it is. There's it doing it, black heron. 638 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,680 Is it to trick its prey into thinking it's night-time 639 00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:21,320 - so it comes out? - It actually creates a shadow 640 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:24,040 and fish are very drawn to cooler water in certain climates, 641 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,760 so the fish see what they think will be cooler water cos there may 642 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,680 be a tree overhanging or something like that, and it gobbles them up. 643 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:33,120 - So it's a lure. It's a wonderful, clever lure. - It's amazing to watch. 644 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:36,880 We did a show for BBC called Walk On The Wild Side, which you did... 645 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:39,640 Yes, I remember doing the voices for various animals. 646 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:44,680 And it does it in quite an odd motion, it's quite fast. 647 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:46,440 Cos we did a thing and it just went 648 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,000 "night-time, day time. Night-time, day time." 649 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:51,800 - That's so sweet! - That was our fun little sketch. 650 00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,160 I do it with men in nightclubs. I go... 651 00:31:57,240 --> 00:31:59,680 It's you! 652 00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:01,800 It is me! 653 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:05,360 There you go. Horror. Medieval lavatory attendants provided 654 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:07,440 personal privacy and a bucket. 655 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,680 Now it's time to get our kit off 656 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,560 and frolic in the sub-zero temperatures of General Ignorance. 657 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,200 So fingers on buzzers if you would. 658 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:17,800 What's black and white and doesn't live in the Arctic? 659 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,040 - BIKE HORN TOOTS - Penguins. 660 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:21,680 Oh, what a shame! 661 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,240 KLAXON BLARES 662 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:28,280 Well, you know, the fact is they're not indigenous to the Arctic, 663 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,720 the North Pole. And you're right, they don't naturally occur there. 664 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,640 But man has taken them there, as pets on boats. 665 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:38,200 Because they're cute and they were left there and they sort of got on 666 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:40,760 and made a living pretty happily amongst the fish there... 667 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:42,720 Despite being eaten by a polar bear. 668 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:46,400 Well, that was a surprise, when they met the polar bear, presumably. 669 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:49,160 Ahhh! 670 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:50,840 "What is that?!" 671 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:54,800 "Why are you so dressed up and where are you off to?" 672 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:59,040 Despite what they say, there are some penguins in the Arctic. 673 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,520 Which part of the world does the idea 674 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:03,040 of eating frogs' legs come from? 675 00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:05,160 - CAR HORN TOOTS - Go on, Jason. 676 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,600 - France. - Oh! Bless you. Very sweet of you. 677 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:10,640 - Yeah, it's all right. - Is it England? 678 00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,280 Yes! Bless my soul! 679 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,920 So far as we can tell, this is absolutely right. 680 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:26,280 There is evidence of the early Neolithic British 681 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,480 eating frogs' legs in our most iconic memorial. 682 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:32,200 There it is. Stone - look at it - Henge. 683 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:34,240 - Henge. - Yeah, exactly. 684 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,160 What could be hengier or stonier? How many years ago? 685 00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:41,160 - I'll give you a thousand either way, when we discovered... - 4,000. - 4,000. 686 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:42,640 It's about 9,000 years ago, 687 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:46,320 that's to say, between 7,000 and 6,000 BC. 688 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,960 There is evidence, not just of eating... Well, there's toads, 689 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,480 but also, we've got three-course meal evidence. 690 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:55,960 Frogs with hazelnuts, followed by a fish course, 691 00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:59,200 - followed by blackberries. That's not bad, is it? - Sounds nice. 692 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,960 That would see you through nicely, very healthy. Very healthy. 693 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:05,040 To the nearest...thousand tonnes, 694 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:08,640 how many tonnes of frogs' legs do the French get through a year? 695 00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:10,080 500,000 tonnes. 696 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,560 500,000 tonnes? Half a million tonnes. 697 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:22,080 It's between 3,000 and 4,000 tonnes. It's still a fair quantity. 698 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,160 - Yeah. - I thought they had massive frogs. 699 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:27,480 - It would be peculiar. - The size of a man. 700 00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:29,480 Frogs' legs were first eaten in Wiltshire. 701 00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:31,560 What's the name of the fortifications that mark 702 00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:35,160 the northern boundary of Roman Britain? 703 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,200 CHILD: "Are we there yet?" 704 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:39,600 - Hadrian's Wall. - Oh, dear, dear, dear. 705 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:44,040 KLAXON BLARES 706 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,080 Anyone in the audience know? 707 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:49,200 What's further north? Where do they go that was further north than that? 708 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,240 - MAN: - Antonine. - Antonine? 709 00:34:51,240 --> 00:34:53,240 Oh, dear, audience get a penalty. 710 00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:55,360 KLAXON BLARES 711 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,360 You fell into our trap. 712 00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:00,440 Some intelligent people do know that the Antonine Wall 713 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:04,960 is north of Hadrian's Wall, but a very obscure fact, 714 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,240 certainly I had no idea of, 715 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:10,800 it's the Gask Ridge system, which is the oldest 716 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:14,120 and indeed the northern most of the boundaries. 717 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:15,720 There's the Antonine Wall. 718 00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:17,320 We can see Hadrian's Wall. 719 00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:19,120 And there's the Gask Ridge. 720 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:21,360 - Doesn't look as good. - Doesn't go from coast to coast. 721 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:26,200 I would start thinking, "Maybe I'll go around it." 722 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,120 I think I use the same builders as that. 723 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:32,640 You could go round it a little bit but it was the northern most. 724 00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:35,520 Well, it's a defence against fat people. 725 00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:41,040 Lazy people. We don't... "Oh, do you have to walk?" I won't bother." 726 00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:44,880 Hadrian's wall remains the longest continuous fortification in Europe. 727 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:47,480 Obviously it's nothing compared to the Great Wall of China 728 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:49,040 but it's still pretty impressive. 729 00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:51,680 It was garrisoned by how many troops in its day, do you think? 730 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:54,320 I don't know but I do that they took 40,000 troops 731 00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:56,520 - to try and suppress Scotland. - Mm. 732 00:35:56,520 --> 00:36:00,360 And then when they got there they found there was nowhere to suppress, 733 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:04,320 cos everyone was hiding. Then at night they'd come out and attack them 734 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,640 and they just ended up giving up. 735 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:10,880 - So there were thousands of people. - Yeah, 9,000 garrisoned the Wall. 736 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,680 They came from all over the known Empire, including from the Tigris, 737 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:15,960 what we now call Iraq. 738 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:19,320 Iraqi Arabs were stationed and they must have found it very chilly 739 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,120 - and unpleasant. - What wall is that there? That's the Gask, is it? 740 00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:24,720 - No, that's Hadrian's Wall. - Ah. - Yeah, which is in great shape. 741 00:36:24,720 --> 00:36:27,080 I don't think the Gask Wall is in much shape. 742 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:29,600 I went for a walk along there with a friend of mine. 743 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:31,560 He's like a real cockney geezer. 744 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:36,280 And he's always, you know that sort of myth of people being 745 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,760 friendly in the north and not so friendly in the south? 746 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:43,080 We walked up along there. This sums up the north-south divide for 747 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:45,920 friendliness and not friendliness and talking to strangers. 748 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,640 Two blokes walk past. It was about 8.30 in the morning. 749 00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:52,160 And a bloke went, "Morning." And I went, "Morning." And my mate went, 750 00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:53,640 "Who's that?" 751 00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:02,240 Just saying good morning to a stranger, that's not weird. 752 00:37:02,240 --> 00:37:05,120 Now, what's this? What's this? What's this? Pass it down. 753 00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:06,920 Just tell me what it is, have a taste. 754 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:09,360 It's, I promise you, not poison, despite being green. 755 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:11,760 - It's not wasabi, is it? - Not wasabi, is it? 756 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:15,200 Wasabi, there we go! 757 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:18,120 You would be served this if you were to go out around London 758 00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:20,880 and go to most Japanese restaurants, 759 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:23,480 and we can have a taste and it's...woo! 760 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,960 - Pretty hot. - I can't. - Do you find it too hot? - Yeah, I can't even... 761 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,760 My mother thinks tomato and basil soup is too spicy. 762 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:33,200 "Oh, that's too spicy for me. What's in that?" Salt. 763 00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:36,680 That is as close to wasabi as you could get without it being wasabi. 764 00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:39,960 I nearly took a mouthful of that, you know, it's not a joke. 765 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:43,400 - I can't take chilli, but I can take as much mustard... - I put a load in 766 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:46,000 cos you said it wasn't... ALAN: You said it's not wasabi! 767 00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:48,240 - It's not wasabi. - Well, it's... 768 00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:50,800 I'll tell you what it is. 769 00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:52,600 I'll tell you what it is. 770 00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:54,120 It's killed a man over there. 771 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,040 This is not Jackass, it's QI! 772 00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:00,560 What you're eating there is horseradish. 773 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:03,280 - Horseradish. - Now you may say wasabi is Japanese horseradish, 774 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,440 but the wasabi you get sold in British restaurants 775 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:10,760 is almost always ordinary British horseradish dyed green. 776 00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:12,080 - No! - Yes. 777 00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:15,200 Because real wasabi, although it's related to horseradish, 778 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:19,080 takes two years to mature and it's very expensive to transport. 779 00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:21,320 So it's much easier to use the British stuff, 780 00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:24,080 which grows on railway sidings and is cheap as chips, 781 00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:25,480 to use that instead. 782 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:28,280 You know what, Stephen? That would have been lovely 783 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:32,360 just if you'd explained it and used some bloody pictures! 784 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:36,640 - I'm sorry. - Rather than give us some and go, "Put that in your mouth!" 785 00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:39,200 - I'm so sorry. - I swear to God - 786 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:41,440 I mean, I can hear things like a dog does! 787 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:45,600 It's done things in me head! 788 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:48,200 I've been waiting all my life to become a superhero 789 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:51,680 and all you had to do was give me a bloody spoonful of that! 790 00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:54,400 - Yeah. It's opened... - I'm seeing through walls! 791 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:02,280 It's opened your Eustachian tube and your sinuses. 792 00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:04,600 Oh, yeah, yeah, cancel my car, I'm flying home. 793 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:13,920 Oh, bless you. Now shove your little dishes away, if you can. 794 00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:17,760 - You might want to keep them. - That's enough superpowers for one day. 795 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:21,040 I'm going to demonstrate something called the Leidenfrost effect, 796 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,920 named after a certain Dr Leidenfrost. 797 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:29,000 So, allow me to present a tray, which may seem rather mysterious. 798 00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:30,760 There we go. 799 00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:32,600 Now, essentially, what the principle is - 800 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,680 I'll explain it first and then you'll see it - 801 00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:37,120 is that when you drop some water on a very hot surface, 802 00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:40,080 it kind of beads into a little ball. 803 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:44,040 And goes around, it's often a way you test the heat of a frying pan 804 00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:47,800 or so on, or if you drop water accidentally onto a hotplate. 805 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:51,600 And if you allow this beading to take place on certain surfaces, 806 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:54,200 the beading is sort of predictable and rather exciting. 807 00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,480 And you can see a little bit of it on VT, 808 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,680 in which the bead is going uphill. 809 00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:03,040 There it's being dropped from a pipette onto a very hot, ridged, 810 00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:05,480 sort of, saw-toothed surface, 811 00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:07,840 and you can see the ball itself, that's how it... 812 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:11,080 That's how my sperm reacts with a ridged condom. 813 00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:15,120 You may be wearing it inside out. 814 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:18,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 815 00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:26,240 Why have you got your sperm in a pipette? 816 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:33,360 - Sufficient, sufficient. - All right. 817 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:37,000 I have pipettes here, and this is room temperature. 818 00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,440 I'm going to put it on here 819 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:40,640 and you can see, as I drop the water, 820 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,600 that it's just... Nothing much happens. 821 00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:46,880 But the beads go off and that's starting to boil and frizz. 822 00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:51,960 And as it gets hotter, you will see the Leidenfrost effect of it. 823 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:55,160 Listen - you'd swear the women were watching the Chippendales. 824 00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,000 "Ooh! Aah." 825 00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:59,440 Where it gets interesting is where these things have been 826 00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:02,160 left on the heat and so are already incredibly hot. 827 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:05,480 And this is a little concave thing, and we drop a bit in 828 00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:08,320 and it goes round and round and round and round. 829 00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:10,000 Rather beautifully. 830 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,240 And now we've got another one with the saw-tooth 831 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:15,240 that we saw climbing up, but this is a circular saw tooth 832 00:41:15,240 --> 00:41:16,960 and it should go round and round as well. 833 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:18,880 Whee! Incredible speed, look at that. 834 00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:21,560 I don't know why young people have to go and, you know, 835 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:22,760 play Grand Theft Auto, 836 00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:26,000 - when they've all this sort of craic to look forward to. - I know, exactly. 837 00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:27,600 Isn't it fun? 838 00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:29,760 And for the grand finale, you can see here, 839 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:31,280 next to the hotplate, is... 840 00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:35,440 We've got ourselves a sort of maze. 841 00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,480 And let's see what happens here. 842 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:41,400 Cool! That's just water? 843 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:44,040 It has a very predictable path and they go all the way round. 844 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,400 If they've got enough energy, they'll go round twice. 845 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:48,080 There you go. Big fellow. 846 00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:51,760 That's like chasing me dad round a shopping precinct. 847 00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:53,400 "Don't abandon me!" 848 00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:56,360 - That's it, there you go. - "I will make you proud. 849 00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,720 "Dad? Dad, come back!" 850 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:01,600 Hours of harmless fun. 851 00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:04,600 Now, I asked the very nice scientist from the University of Bath, 852 00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:06,160 who've lent us this equipment, 853 00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:10,160 what technical solutions this may offer the world, and he said, 854 00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:12,560 "Actually, most of the time, the Leidenfrost effect 855 00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:15,880 "provides technical problems of plumbing and things like that. 856 00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,960 "And it isn't always a desirable effect." 857 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:21,000 So if you can think, at home, some useful solution that could be 858 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:23,480 used for the Leidenfrost effect we'd be very grateful. 859 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:26,000 But thank you, Kei Takashina from the University of Bath 860 00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,960 for the loan of this splendid equipment. 861 00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:32,440 APPLAUSE 862 00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:34,960 And that brings us to the sizzling scores. 863 00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:36,840 Well, my word, we have a... 864 00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:39,200 Well, I'm not surprised he's won, he's been on fire. 865 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:41,640 Despite one klaxon, 866 00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:44,120 a clear lead from Jason Manford, at plus three. 867 00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:45,920 Oh, amazing. 868 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:49,040 - That's really never happened before. - Three for all that? - I know! 869 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:52,960 And in second place, that intellectual war horse, 870 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,320 Johnny Vegas on two! 871 00:42:55,320 --> 00:43:00,800 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 872 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,400 And a magnificent debut - only brought down by penguins - 873 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,280 for Aisling Bea, on minus seven. 874 00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:09,560 Come on, Ireland! Come on, Ireland. 875 00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:14,640 In a shock surprise - in nearly last place is the audience 876 00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:16,600 with minus ten! 877 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:24,680 But just pipping them in the L for Loser position 878 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:27,440 is Alan Davies with minus 14. 879 00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:29,360 Thank you very much. 880 00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:37,560 That's all from Aisling, Johnny, Jason, Alan and me. 881 00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:40,320 And I leave you with the rather poignant last words 882 00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:43,240 from Stan Laurel, who, when asked how he felt 883 00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:45,320 said, "I wish I was skiing." 884 00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:49,040 "Oh, Mr Laurel, do you ski?" replied the nurse. 885 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:53,520 "No," he said, "but I'd rather be skiing than doing what I am doing." 886 00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:54,720 Good night.