1 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,960 G-o-o-o-d evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,320 good evening, good evening, good evening, welcome to QI. 3 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:41,240 Tonight, we're leaping our way through language and literature. 4 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,760 Lurking in my labyrinth are the loquacious Jack Whitehall... 5 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:47,280 APPLAUSE 6 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,080 ..the logomaniac, Lloyd Langford... 7 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:53,480 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,680 ..the learned Victoria Coren Mitchell... 9 00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,480 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,760 ..and the long-suffering Alan Davies. 11 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,840 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,520 So, let's hear your lines. 13 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,000 Jack goes... 14 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,280 DING "I wandered lonely as a cloud..." 15 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,680 Lloyd goes... 16 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,400 DANG "That floats on high 17 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,200 "o'er vales and hills..." 18 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,640 Victoria goes... 19 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:28,600 DONG "When all at once I saw a crowd..." 20 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,440 And Alan goes... 21 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,760 AIR HORN "Arsenal, Arsenal!" 22 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,440 Oh, dear. 23 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:37,920 Let's start with a nice easy one. 24 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,680 In fact, this one is so easy I'm going to ask the audience. 25 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,680 Have you read 1984? Hands up if you've read 1984. 26 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,440 Wow, that's pretty good. How many...? 27 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,240 - KLAXON - How many...? Yeah. 28 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,000 The fact is, research on several occasions 29 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,840 show that at least a quarter of the people who claim 30 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,000 to have read 1984 are lying, 31 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,080 - so I'm afraid we have to take points away from you. - Really? 32 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,200 Yeah. 33 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,560 Can you put your hand up if you said you'd read it, 34 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,440 but actually secretly you haven't? 35 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:11,720 - Oh, come on. - Come on. - Oh, you look very shifty. - Yes. 36 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,160 The honest man at the back has earned some more... The audience. 37 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,080 I have to confess here, I studied English at university, 38 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,120 - I haven't read it. - I should hope not! 39 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,520 What kind of English degree 40 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,080 would include something written as late as 1948? 41 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:27,280 Well, that's true, yes. We read things written in 1370. 42 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,840 But I kind of felt I didn't need to, which is an appalling thing to say. 43 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,640 Oh, it's terribly good, Stephen. 44 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,160 Well, I kind of, I know... 45 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,960 Look at all the TV shows named after it. 46 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,800 Two at least, Room 101 and Big Brother. 47 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,520 - Oh, that's ruined my line. - Oh, sorry! 48 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,000 LAUGHTER 49 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,760 I know how it opens. It opens with the clock striking 13, 50 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:48,720 I know the character's called Winston. 51 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,120 It's really good and they made a film of it with John Hurt. 52 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,880 It's hard to bother, isn't it, when there's a great film of a book? 53 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,480 - I was the same with the Muppet Christmas Carol. - LAUGHTER 54 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,040 - You know, I feel it's been done. - Quite. Why would you bother? 55 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:03,160 I know what the turkey does in the story. Why read it? 56 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,440 That is a masterpiece of a film, it has to be said. 57 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:09,120 I lie a lot to impress people, and I'll be honest now, 58 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,720 I have never read The Hungry Caterpillar. LAUGHTER 59 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,760 I get so close to the end and I get too emotional. 60 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,120 I'm like, "He's going to die, he's overfed himself, 61 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,080 "I can't, I can't do it." And I stop. 62 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,680 So I just pretend that I've read it. 63 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:25,680 - I don't know what happens. - No, no, he becomes a butterfl... - LAUGHTER 64 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,760 Spoiler! Spoiler! 65 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,560 I'm so sorry, that was wrong of me. 66 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,200 That's like when I knew someone who gave away the end of Psycho - 67 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,720 - it's nearly as serious as that. - Oh, my goodness. 68 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:39,400 - There are some books that you don't need to bother reading. - Hmm? 69 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,640 Like, it's controversial to say it, 70 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,640 but I don't think Harry Potter is worth reading. LAUGHTER 71 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,560 Because it is so expertly narrated on the audio books. 72 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:48,920 You're so right. 73 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,280 By none other than Mr Stephen, but it is! It is. It, I mean... 74 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,760 APPLAUSE 75 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,320 No, but I do, after I listened to the Harry Potter books, 76 00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,840 with you narrating them, 77 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,640 everything in my life is narrated by Stephen Fry. All my thoughts, 78 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,600 my internal monologue, is now Stephen Fry's voice. 79 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,320 Even the dirty thoughts are Stephen's voice. No, 80 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,320 because it makes it acceptable. I had a sexual thought the other day 81 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,640 and I'll put my hand in the air, 82 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,840 I had a sexual thought about Camilla Parker Bowles. 83 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,800 It didn't seem weird because Stephen was saying it to me. 84 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,760 All right. Let's go back to Orwell. 85 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,720 I'll give you a point if you know his real name. 86 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,520 - The name he was born under. - Blair? 87 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,640 Blair is right. You said it first. Yes? 88 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,840 - I was going to say Eric Arthur Blair. - Very good. Eric Blair. 89 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,640 And he wrote, I think, his masterpiece, which 90 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:36,600 I've certainly read many times, which is his allegory, his fable. 91 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:41,280 - Animal Farm. - Animal Farm. And that was published during the war. 92 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,040 And that was rather difficult. 93 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,480 And do you know the famous poet-publisher 94 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,120 who turned it down? 95 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,160 - No. - Ah. 96 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,960 - His name is an anagram of "toilets". - TS Eliot? 97 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,800 TS Eliot is the right answer. 98 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,640 Yes, he turned it down because he thought it was pro-Trotskian 99 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:57,800 and anti-Stalin. 100 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,480 And Stalin was our great ally in the Second World War. 101 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,400 And now, of course, it's considered a masterpiece. 102 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:04,560 Well, there we are ... 103 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,520 The second best animal-based piece of literature. 104 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,880 The first being? 105 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,320 The Hungry Caterpillar. 106 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,040 - What am I thinking of? - I mean ... 107 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:19,560 Now, I should say that there's a bonus hidden in tonight's programme, 108 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:23,000 and that is what we call the Spend A Penny bonus. 109 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,240 JINGLE 110 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,080 FLUSHING 111 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:31,440 That's it. There'll be one question, at least, tonight, whose theme... 112 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,840 LAUGHTER 113 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,400 ..whose theme is lavatorial. 114 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,880 And if you think that the answer is something to do with the lavatory, 115 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,080 then you wave and you spend your penny. 116 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,480 I'm going to keep mine and use it in one of those arcades. 117 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:46,760 That's a very good idea. 118 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,480 Now, here's a lovely list of Victorian slang. 119 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,520 What do these L words mean? 120 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,440 We've got lally-gagging or lolly-gagging. 121 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,000 Last shake o' the bag. Land o'Scots. Land o'cakes. 122 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,120 Lemon Squash Party. 123 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,560 - I know lolly-gagging. - Yeah? 124 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:03,080 That's when you squeeze too hard at the bottom of your Calippo. 125 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,640 Oh. 126 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,320 LAUGHTER 127 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,240 Ow. Followed by brain freeze. 128 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,160 But if you do that and you squeeze too hard, 129 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,080 then it comes right out of the tube, but you can't deal with it all. 130 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,440 What do you do? Do you bite it off? 131 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,720 - You lolly-gag. - LAUGHTER 132 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,280 Kind of a shover. 133 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,200 That's a very odd thing to see. Do that again. 134 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,360 LAUGHTER 135 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,440 A Leg Maniac is one of those people whose leg twitches 136 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,160 - when they're sitting in a chair. - It would be a good name for that. 137 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,920 I used to do that terribly as a teenager, just endless bouncing. 138 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,400 - I've been doing it all show. - Have you? - Yeah. 139 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,520 - It's very hard to stop once you start. - It's so hard 140 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,200 - and now I'm thinking about it. - Oh. 141 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,280 I'm not thinking about it, Stephen Fry is thinking about it. 142 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,520 But you should roll with it 143 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,840 because Michael Flatley made a living out of that. 144 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,720 - VICTORIA: - I know one of them. - Yes, say. 145 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,560 Land o'cakes is Robert Burns, isn't it? 146 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:58,960 Yes, you're absolutely right. 147 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,400 - Scotland. - He's talking about Scotland. - Scotland. Good. 148 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,160 But Land o'Scots you would think would be Scotland, but it isn't. 149 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,880 It's actually heaven. 150 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,240 Go figure. 151 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,200 - Learning Shover, you might guess. - Teacher. 152 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,520 Yes. Quite right. You know a bit about that. 153 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,840 - Yes. Can I have a point? - Yes, you certainly can. 154 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,640 - Thank you, sir. - Lally-gagging. 155 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,640 It's very hard to guess, actually. 156 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,640 You either know it, or you don't, really. 157 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,920 It means to flirt, Jack. 158 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,880 Oh, yes, I did a bit of flirting, didn't I? Last time I was on. 159 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,680 - You did, you lally-gagged. - But I decided, 160 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,800 cos it was very awkward when the show went out 161 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,200 and I had a very long conversation with my father, 162 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,760 and I watched it back... 163 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,600 "Have you got something to tell me, Jack?" 164 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,120 And, no, I looked very... I looked back at it and to be honest, 165 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,000 I looked desperate for your affections. 166 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,760 And so this evening I have decided to deploy a little bit of carrot 167 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,440 - and a little bit of stick... - Very good. 168 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,800 ..because last time I showed you too much of my carrot. 169 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,360 LAUGHTER 170 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,680 A very charming carrot it was, too. 171 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,240 - VICTORIA: - Now, here's a problem. You've just explained 172 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,760 we can wave this little fan if we think it's lavatorial. 173 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,440 I'm looking at "last shake of the bag" 174 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,480 and "lemon squash party". 175 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,760 And I'm thinking, I really hope not. 176 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,520 Lemon Squash Party looks like something 177 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,520 you could put into the internet and find... 178 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,320 LAUGHTER 179 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,640 - Tennis players. - Yes. 180 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,120 - Is it a political party? - It's not a political party. 181 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,880 It's part of a movement that was very popular in the 19th century, 182 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,360 a rather dull movement to many of us, perhaps. 183 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,360 - It's very straightforward. - Temperance. 184 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:28,240 Temperance. It is an all-male party where only lemon squash was served. 185 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,760 It's that simple. 186 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,840 I mean, we've all had a lemon squash party. 187 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,240 It's the party that comes AFTER the after-party. 188 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,040 - You're quite right. - Last shake o' the bag. 189 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:40,360 - That's my favourite. - Is that...? 190 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:45,000 Is it, like, something to do with you, like, your...? 191 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,160 LAUGHTER No... 192 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,720 - Out with it, man. - It's not. Is it, like, your last child? 193 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,200 Yes. Your youngest child. 194 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,880 - Because it's the last...bag. - The last shake of the bag. Isn't that great? 195 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,600 I think it's a terrific phrase. 196 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,080 "Meet Benjamin, he's my last shake of the bag." 197 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,600 Yes, you've had teacher. 198 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,560 Leg Maniac is the only one we haven't covered 199 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:08,080 and it's just really an eccentric dancer, a rather frenzied dancer. 200 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,760 I was right with Flatley, then. 201 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,480 Yes, you were, basically. They're rather pleasing. 202 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,720 I'm particularly sorry that last shake o' the bag's 203 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:15,840 gone out of the language. 204 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,960 Now, without mincing words, what is this? 205 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,160 "Ah, I have to be, rather like Ask The Family. 206 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,760 "It's going to come into view. 207 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,720 "Ah. Ah-ha!" 208 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,040 - Toilet! - JINGLE 209 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,320 Yes. It couldn't be more lavatorial, could it? 210 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,960 But... But you have to answer the question, what is it? 211 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,600 - What do you mean, what is it? - Without mincing words, what is it? 212 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,040 Oh, it's going to be a trick one, like, it's a set of weights. 213 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,720 - LAUGHTER - No. 214 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:45,400 - It's a toilet. - Oh! - KLAXON 215 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,160 - A lavatory. - Lavatory. - KLAXON CONTINUES 216 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:51,280 - Bog. - Water closet. - We've had lavatory, toilet, water closet. 217 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,640 Shitter! 218 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,520 Shitter. Water closet, we had. 219 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,800 - Khazi. - Water closet. - We had water closet. 220 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,360 A flush, a wall-mounted flushable... 221 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,600 - Yes, excrement receiver. - ..device. Yes. 222 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,200 The point is, there is no word for it that isn't a euphemism 223 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,240 because toilet comes from "toile", meaning "towel", you know, 224 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:14,240 - that's where we get our word "towel". - I always wee in a towel, so... 225 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,320 - Well, in that case it's realistic. - Then it is. 226 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,560 A lavatory is from "lavare", the Latin for "to wash". 227 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,360 So it's a bit like saying the washroom, 228 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,560 which is a very American euphemism that we find silly. 229 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:27,120 A water closet just means a cupboard with water in it, running water. 230 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,240 Although, to be fair, there are all sorts of words 231 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,480 for which there's nothing that isn't a euphemism. 232 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,240 I mean, kitchen. We don't have a word "cookpot place". 233 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:35,800 - We're not German! - No, that's right. 234 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,400 I mean, all language is metaphorical and to some extent hedges around. 235 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:43,240 - There is just... - Why has that one at the top been...? The interior is... 236 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:47,760 Looks like it's been done with one of Noel Edmonds' shirts. LAUGHTER 237 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,280 It does, doesn't it? Exactly like. 238 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,920 It's a Crinkly Bottom one, in every sense. 239 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,880 So, there is no actual word for the little boys' room 240 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,400 that isn't a you-know-what. 241 00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:01,040 What suggestions do you have for the last line of this limerick? 242 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,720 There was an old person of Chile, 243 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,720 Whose conduct was painful and silly, 244 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,520 He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears... 245 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,600 - Firing pips out of his willy. - LAUGHTER 246 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:22,200 Very good. I don't think that can be improved upon. 247 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,080 It certainly wasn't improved upon 248 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,040 by the author of that limerick, who was...? 249 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,840 George Orwell. 250 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:29,960 - LLOYD: - Eric Blair. 251 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,160 - VICTORIA: - Was it Edward Lear? - Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly said, 252 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,960 who sort of popularised the form. But he had one fatal flaw 253 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,160 in his limerick writing, which was, do you know? 254 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,400 - Was the last line the same as the first? - The last line was more or less the same. 255 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,160 Is it - "That boring old person of Chile"? 256 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,120 Basically it is, yeah, as you will see, it is 257 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,440 "That imprudent old person of Chile." 258 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,560 I think you'll all agree that Alan's version is a lot better. 259 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:56,200 Yeah, firing pips out of the willy is a lot funnier than that. 260 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,520 Yes, that's exactly what I mean. On the other hand, less Victorian. 261 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,160 He was sort of around the latter half of the 19th century. 262 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,840 - That is an entirely pointless thing to write down. - It is, 263 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,400 but it popularised the form, and there are other versions of his. 264 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:12,040 - They're all... - It's not painful and silly is it, to be imprudent? 265 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,520 - No. - It's painful and silly to put the pips in your willy... 266 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,240 - Oh, it certainly is. - And fire them out. 267 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,840 I think we're all with you, Alan. 268 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,480 But why has he not thought...? He hasn't thought of a painful, 269 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,640 - silly thing to do... - He hasn't thought it through. 270 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:25,680 ..related to apples, pears and being on stairs. 271 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,640 He just says it's imprudent. But there's nothing in that that's... 272 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,720 There's nothing imprudent in the previous four lines. 273 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,640 - I mean, the thing is, apples and pears is rhyming slang for stairs, isn't it? - Anyway. 274 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,960 - Yeah, he's eating the stairs. - He's eating the stairs! 275 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,160 LAUGHTER 276 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,880 He's sat on the stairs eating the apples and pears. 277 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,760 Firing splinters out of his willy. 278 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,400 And also it's "Chil-lay", which doesn't rhyme with silly. 279 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,960 - Well, unless you say "sil-lay". - "Sil-lay". 280 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:55,760 Which is how I pronounce it. 281 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,560 Well, anyway, other versions you might be able to finish. 282 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:05,160 There was an old man with a gong who bumped at it all day long 283 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,040 But they called out, "O Lor'! You're a horrid old bore!" 284 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,120 Pull up your trousers, you're doing it wrong. 285 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,040 It sounds like that new Coldplay song. 286 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:16,720 Very good. 287 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:20,640 Which, if you haven't heard it, sounds like any Coldplay song. 288 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,760 What, so it's going to be, "You're a horrible old bore. 289 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,760 "You silly old man with a gong." 290 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,840 - Basically, yeah. - This guy's shit. 291 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,080 - He is. You can see his original. - These are like Lil Wayne lyrics. 292 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,200 So they smashed that old man with a gong. 293 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:39,360 - They smashed him with the gong?! - Yeah. - Why did they do that?! 294 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,920 Because he was a horrid old bore. 295 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,480 - Well, just take the gong away. There's no need to... - Yeah. 296 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:48,480 Once you've got the gong from the old man, the problem's solved. 297 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,600 He's not going to annoy you with the gong any more. 298 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,040 There's no point to then smash... 299 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,200 To smash him with the gong is a greater crime than to hit the gong, 300 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,960 regardless of whether he does it all day long. 301 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,360 Also, move away. Go out of earshot where you can't hear the gong. 302 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,120 - There's no excuse for assaulting. - Your outrage is commendable. 303 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,680 Well, let's try another one. 304 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,560 It was a recipe from Heston Blumen-tool. 305 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 306 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,120 Very good. 307 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,360 - I like it. - Ran off with a man called Raul. 308 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:30,360 - Cos in Spain, they dig that shit. - It's true, they do. 309 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,920 Once they've got the soup up to boiling point, 310 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,120 they poured it over her. 311 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,520 Cos you know how violent they are in the world of Edward Lear now. 312 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,160 You've got it. So, let's actually see what the answer was. 313 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,320 The brilliant last line was "That ingenious Young Lady of Poole." 314 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,640 She's not ingenious. Because adding oil doesn't make something boil. 315 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,000 I mean, I'm not a chef. 316 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,000 But I think the application of heat, 317 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,840 really, is what this Young Lady of Poole needed. 318 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,840 - Do you watch Gogglebox? - Yeah. - I never miss it. 319 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,480 They were watching Heston Blumenthal. There's a German guy who's a regular. 320 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,000 And they said, "Is that a German name?" And he said, "Yeah." 321 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,520 And they said, "What does it mean?" 322 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,000 - And he said... - STEPHEN: - "Flower valley." Sorry. Sorry! 323 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,000 LAUGHTER 324 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,960 Anyway, the point is, 'blumen' is flower, and 'thal' is valley. 325 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:22,160 But he said, "w-alley." He cannot say Vs. He can't say his Vs. 326 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,720 And even his own wife thought he'd said willy. 327 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,760 Then she was saying, "Flower willy! I thought you said flower willy!" Really laughing. 328 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:33,880 And he just wasn't laughing at all. Not a smile about it. 329 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:38,240 - "No, I said w-alley." - My grandfather was like that. 330 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,840 I used to drive along, he used to go, "Vot a vonderful willage." 331 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:45,320 Grandad, you can say wonderful "vonderful" and you can say "willage..." 332 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,400 You can say "vot", why can't you say "village?" What's wrong with them? 333 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,960 That was my point! 334 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,720 Whereas, if I was talking in German to him, 335 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:56,480 if I were to say, "WHOA ist der Postamt?" - where is the Post Office? - 336 00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:00,880 he would say, "Vot is the matter with you? Vot are you saying 'whoa'? 337 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,840 "It is 'WO ist der Postamt!'" 338 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,320 I said, "Well, don't say what is the matter with me, then!" 339 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,240 He'd say, "Ah, I'm too old for this shit." 340 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,360 LAUGHTER 341 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:11,880 APPLAUSE 342 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,360 So, there was a very popular comedian, 343 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:22,360 who sadly is no longer with us, who's famous for his collection of 344 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:27,040 vulgar postcards, McGill postcards, who also adored the limerick form. 345 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,520 And he annotated his edition of Edward Lear. Who do you think I'm thinking of? 346 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:31,920 Do you know who corrected...? 347 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,040 - Bob Monkhouse? - No, but it is that generation. 348 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,680 - It is Ronnie ... - Barker. 349 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,800 Yes. So, a copy of Lear's Nonsense Verses has recently auctioned 350 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,520 that had his annotations in. 351 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,080 And he'd handwritten his own little opening verse. 352 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:49,400 There was an old fossil named Lear Whose verses were boring and drear. 353 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,920 His last lines were worse - Just the same as the first! 354 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,640 So I've tried to improve on them here. 355 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,560 Good for him, isn't it? 356 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,120 So, let's get some more points by saying, 357 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,800 "To forgive Edward Lear is to know him better." 358 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,120 And what was his first and greatest achievement? 359 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,880 And it wasn't poetry, despite The Pobble Who Had No Toes 360 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,640 and The Owl And The Pussycat, which are wonderful poems. 361 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,720 Was it the jet? 362 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,680 LAUGHTER 363 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:17,760 It's a nice thought. 364 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,120 He wasn't a poet, primarily, he was something else. 365 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,640 A cook. 366 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,480 A racing driver. 367 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,120 Astronaut. 368 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:27,440 Well, you either know or you don't. He was a painter. 369 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,560 He was particularly, an orno...onorothol... 370 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:35,120 - Do you know, funnily enough... - Birds. Bird paintings. 371 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,480 Yes. Ornithological painter. 372 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,880 I think he got a lot better as he went from left to right. 373 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,840 LAUGHTER 374 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,840 But it's still the same. Look, he started with a parrot 375 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,280 - and he's ended with a parrot. - Yes. - Just paint another bird. 376 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,480 That's what held you back in the limerick game 377 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,960 and it's holding you back in the painting game as well. 378 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,360 - Open your eyes! - It is. 379 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,320 - Look at the owl. The owl's just heard one of the limericks. - Yes. 380 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:12,960 David Attenborough described him 381 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,520 as the greatest British ornithological painter there was, 382 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,960 and he was incredibly accurate and in the time before photography, 383 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,280 - extraordinarily useful. - Well, I mean, he was quite accurate. 384 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,680 The second parrot is odd. 385 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,160 No, he did comic ones too. 386 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,640 The second from the left, though, 387 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,400 I think he started off doing a dolphin. 388 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,280 True. 389 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,600 He had a cat called Foss of whom he was so fond that 390 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,400 when he was forced to move from the area he lived into another area, 391 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,080 he did something quite remarkable. Can you imagine what it is? 392 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,160 - Stuffed it. - No. He certainly wouldn't want to see it dead. 393 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,520 He loved it very much. 394 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,760 He built a house in the second place that was identical 395 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:52,640 to the house he'd come from so the cat would feel at home. 396 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,000 The cat sat on the mat 397 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,160 It was fat, 398 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:57,120 the cat. 399 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,560 LAUGHTER 400 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,840 There we are. 401 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,280 It's not supposed to be worse, is it? 402 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,920 I think putting in his bid there to be the next poet laureate, 403 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,440 Alan Davies. So... 404 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,600 Genuinely, though, it sounds like he was sort of a lunatic for symmetry. 405 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,160 - Yes. - All he needed was to live in three slightly different houses 406 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,840 in between the two identical ones... 407 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,800 And he would have an architectural limerick. 408 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,000 - He would have realised his dream. - Yeah, it's true. 409 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,800 - LLOYD: - Also, he would have done that to make him at home. 410 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,520 To make himself at home rather than the cat? 411 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,240 And he's gone, "I've sort of done this for the cat," 412 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,520 but secretly he's thinking, "Well, I know where toilet is. 413 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:36,040 - "Same place as the last time." - It's true. You never know. 414 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,440 What kind of logical reasoning did Sherlock Holmes use? 415 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,640 L for logic there. Oh. 416 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,320 - Lavatorial? - Hmm. 417 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:45,760 That's not correct. 418 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,760 LAUGHTER 419 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,360 - Lavatorial reasoning. - Yeah. 420 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,000 So take me through lavatorial reasoning. 421 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,720 No, you do, cos when you go to the loo, it unclogs your body 422 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,720 - and your mind. - Oh, I see. - So like... No, it does. 423 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:03,360 - Scatological. - Yeah, when I'm at home, if I'm stressed by something, 424 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,800 like a dishwasher, I can't load the dishwasher properly 425 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,120 and there's loads of bowls and I can't get them in, 426 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,720 I'm like, "Jack, take a step back. 427 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,200 "Go and drop the kids off at the pool and come back to it." 428 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,120 And it works, because it does, you sit on the loo, you think, 429 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,840 "What's the task going to be like? How am I going to attack this? 430 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,560 "Let's work out a game plan, a strategy." You deploy the troops, 431 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,240 come back and I'm slamming those plates in like Tetris. 432 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:27,840 And you leave your children alone at a swimming pool, meanwhile? 433 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,720 That was a horrible metaphor. 434 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,480 APPLAUSE 435 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,520 Oh, I see. 436 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,600 Sorry. I thought you were a bit young... 437 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,240 You thought I have children?! 438 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,960 I thought you were a bit young to have children you could just... 439 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,880 - That means... - Why would I take them to the pool? - That means have a poo. 440 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,240 I didn't know that meant have a poo. Dropping the kids off at the pool. 441 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,560 I like that, that's quite a good one. 442 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,000 - Drop the kids off at the pool. - And the logic is good as well. 443 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,120 - But we have no evidence that he used that. - Oh, yes. 444 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:01,280 But we do know, from the books, the kind of logic he used. 445 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,480 - There are different sorts of logic. - Well, now, 446 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,520 if you eliminate the impossible, you're left with the possible. 447 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,800 - Yes, if everything... - LAUGHTER 448 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,800 - Deduction? - No, not deduction. - KLAXON 449 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,440 Oh, you idiot! Ah-ha-ha-ha! 450 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:20,920 Deduction is essentially reasoning something which is unchallengeable - 451 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,280 it must be true. 452 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,440 You're given a set of premises and the deduction is true. 453 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:29,760 So if you say all humans are mortal... Alan Davies is human - 454 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,720 we can say that - therefore Alan Davies is mortal. 455 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,440 That's just simply an absolute fact. 456 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,560 - It must be true... - Oh, that's disappointing. 457 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,720 If those two premises are true, then the synthesis must be true as well. 458 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:45,400 - But abductive reasoning would be saying something like... - Uh-oh. 459 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,160 I saw Alan Davies in an Arsenal scarf. 460 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,600 He always cries when Arsenal lose. 461 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,840 I saw Alan crying, therefore Arsenal just lost. 462 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,360 Now that isn't certainly true, 463 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,840 but it's the kind of logic that Sherlock Holmes used. 464 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,560 Not absolutely certain and definite to be true, 465 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,000 but he was nearly always right. 466 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,600 He reasoned abductively, 467 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,400 - so that's the sort he used. - Oh. 468 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,160 There you are. What's his great phrase? 469 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,600 What's the famous phrase he used? 470 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,160 - Burn, ant, burn! - LAUGHTER 471 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,160 - That's fantastic. - You know this was painted by Edward Lear? 472 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:34,680 So, anyway, the famous phrase he is associated with, of course... 473 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,720 "Elementary, my dear Watson." 474 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,480 - He never said it. - Which, as Victoria rightly says, he doesn't say. 475 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:42,160 But points if you know where it first appeared in literature. 476 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,560 It was in 1915 by a truly great writer 477 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,120 who actually knew and played cricket with Conan-Doyle 478 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,120 and was a huge fan of his, and in some way, 479 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,840 based his two most famous characters 480 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,880 on the relationship between Holmes and Watson. 481 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,240 One of them a bit of a blitherer, 482 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,800 - the other one incredibly intelligent. - Jeeves and Wooster? 483 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,600 - Oh, Wodehouse. - Jeeves and Wooster, yes. So it was PG Wodehouse. 484 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,880 But it was in fact in another series of his books, 485 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,400 the Psmith series. There he is. 486 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,120 Called Psmith, Journalist, in 1915, set in New York. 487 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,040 Doesn't look like a humourist there, does he? 488 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,640 He was a charming, sweet man, and just a real pro. 489 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,640 He was a prisoner of war, wasn't he, 490 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,720 so he'd look gloomy some of the time. 491 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,360 Indeed, when he was taken to Upper Silesia, 492 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:20,880 and, as he said, 493 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,960 "If this is Upper Silesia, God knows what Lower Silesia must look like." 494 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,160 Anyway, he came up with the phrase, "Elementary, my dear Watson," 495 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,680 as if it was a, sort of, phrase. 496 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:33,160 Sherlock Holmes practised abduction, not deduction. 497 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:37,160 Now to the universal language of laughter. Who likes clowns? 498 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:38,520 No-one. 499 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,640 UKIP supporters. LAUGHTER 500 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,800 - Weh-hey! - No, cos they are kind of like clowns, UKIP politicians. 501 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,320 They're kind of fun and comical and wear silly clothes, 502 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,840 but they're also terrifying. LAUGHTER 503 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,920 It's that... 504 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,880 - Well... - And they also have a lot of white faces. 505 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,240 Very good. 506 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,520 Well, the certain answer is... 507 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:11,160 No, I'm just trying to work out who likes clowns and thinking, 508 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,240 "Well, it's certainly not children or adults." 509 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,160 You're right, so basically other clowns 510 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,360 is probably the only answer we can come up with. 511 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:19,640 - Or sort of other people that work in the circus. - Yes. 512 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,040 They're not going to be anybody's least favourite thing 513 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,280 - as long as there are clowns on the bill. - That's true. 514 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:25,880 And I like the cars that fall apart 515 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:29,160 and some of the gags they do, vaguely, but the actual make-up 516 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,400 and the whole...schmear as it were, is pretty disturbing. 517 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:34,960 And children, it's been shown, do not like them. 518 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,920 LAUGHTER 519 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,600 There was a study in 2008 that showed 520 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,240 that children were more frightened 521 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,320 than in any way healed, or smoothed, or helped. 522 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:43,960 But all children are frightened, 523 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:47,960 so that may mean that clowns don't know what laughter sounds like. 524 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,800 They just think the screams of terrified children are laughter. 525 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,360 - "I did really well..." - Because it's all they've ever heard. 526 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:55,920 "They screamed wonderfully." 527 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,400 - P Diddy is afraid of clowns. - Is he? 528 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,880 - Yes. - There is a so-called word for it. Do you know it? 529 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,280 - Coulrophobic. - Yes, you're right. 530 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:04,640 Though, unfortunately, 531 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:08,000 and I don't mean this as a personal slight, it's not in the OED, 532 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,480 and if you look it up in the online etymology dictionary, it says, 533 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,080 "It looks suspiciously like the sort of thing that idle, 534 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,200 "pseudo-intellectuals invent on the internet, 535 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,760 "and which every smarty-pants takes up thereafter." 536 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:22,360 I mean, "coulro" is "limb" from a stilt walker, possibly, 537 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:25,040 and the Greek for clown is "klooun" which comes from English, 538 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,520 so, if anything, it should be kloounaphobia, or just... 539 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,360 No, that's the fear of Martin Clunes. 540 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:33,400 Which is an actual real thing. I'm terrified of him. 541 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,680 Cos those ears... Those flappy ears. I remember when he was starting out, 542 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,280 I can't remember what we were doing, we were in the same place. 543 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:43,040 He picked up a magazine. He said, "Oh, God. I think there's an interview with me in this." 544 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,280 The first line of the interview is, you know, "Six-foot tall, 545 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,560 "with a tweed jacket, Stephen Fry..." 546 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:52,520 Or, you know, "Twinkly with a pert little botty, Jack Whitehall." 547 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:54,080 LAUGHTER 548 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,720 And the one on Martin Clunes just started, 549 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,960 "Face like a torn arse..." 550 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:02,400 LAUGHTER 551 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:08,840 It was so unfair! He's got this round, sweet, beautiful face. 552 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,640 And, actually, women fall for him enormously. Arse! I know! 553 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,640 - I'm trying to visualise a torn arse. - It's not good. 554 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,680 - I can help with that as well. - Oh! No, no, no, no. 555 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,760 Since around 2,500 BC, clowns have been known and written about. 556 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,960 But the first famous one in Britain, do you know who it might have been in the 18th century? 557 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,800 17... Born in 1778, really, the 19th century. 558 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,600 - I know, actually. - Yes, go on. 559 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,120 Joseph Grimaldi. 560 00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:35,440 Grimaldi is the right answer. Joseph Grimaldi. 561 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:43,680 It's said that one in eight Londoners saw him perform. 562 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:48,320 There's a Grimaldi Park in Islington, not far from where what's-his-chops lived. 563 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,960 - Who's that? Eric Blair. - Oh, yes, Orwell. 564 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,600 There's a famous story of someone going to see a doctor, 565 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,200 before the days of psychology, 566 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,880 but a doctor who specialised in the mind, and this person said, 567 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,040 "I'm miserable, every day is horrible, I don't know 568 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,320 "what to do with myself, I can't get up in the morning." 569 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,040 And the doctor said, "Well, I suggest going to see Grimaldi. 570 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,720 "He'll cheer you up." 571 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,120 And the guy said, "I am Grimaldi." 572 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:13,280 - And he was a very miserable man. - No wonder he was so depressed. 573 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,120 It would have taken him about 45 minutes to get his coat on. 574 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,720 That's true. 575 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:21,720 Also, his wife died in childbirth, his father was a bit of a loon. 576 00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,680 His son drank himself to death. Lots of misery. 577 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,600 "I am grim all day," he said of himself, Grimaldi, 578 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:31,040 "but I make you laugh at night." So, good, excellent. 579 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:36,160 And now, in honour of Victoria, QI does Only Connect. 580 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:40,200 - Cue music. - ONLY CONNECT THEME PLAYS 581 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,200 - The greatest programme on television, after QI. - Oh, hello. 582 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:45,280 - Yes, does that ring any bells with you? - Oh, yeah. 583 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:47,440 So can you choose, please, an Egyptian hieroglyph. 584 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,080 Oh, my goodness, I've never had the chance to do this before. 585 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:51,840 Obviously, the Eye of Horus. 586 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,960 Eye of Horus it is. 587 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:57,680 You have to find the connection between these five things. 588 00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:58,920 - Five? - First... 589 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,960 ..John F Kennedy, Profiles In Courage. 590 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,400 Lots of points of course if you get it from one. All right. 591 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,800 Anybody else is allowed to buzz, if they think they know. 592 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,640 And the second one... 593 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,160 Schumann, Theme And Variations In E Flat. 594 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,240 - Hmm. - Whoa. 595 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:16,360 LAUGHTER 596 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,240 - Are you patronising Jack? - You can all piss off! 597 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,040 What's it got to do with the Eye of Horus? 598 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,800 - No, that's... You choose. Have you never watched? - LAUGHTER 599 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,320 - You've never watched Only Connect? - Not a whole one, no. 600 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:31,720 Not a whole one?! 601 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,800 All you have to do is find what's in common, only connect, literally. 602 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:37,640 I think the F stands for his middle name. 603 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:43,280 Yes, that... How does that connect him? 604 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,360 I'm just taking notes and then I will abduct once I've got them all. 605 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:48,040 LAUGHTER 606 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:52,360 I don't know about Schumann, but if I was on a team 607 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:56,640 on Only Connect, I'd ask them, is it like the second thing they wrote? 608 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,160 - Something like that. - Oh, that's very good. 609 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:02,280 Stephen, Stephen in my head, is Schumann a composer? 610 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:05,880 - Yes. - Why, thank you. 611 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:08,160 - Robert Schumann, yes. - Robert Schumann. 612 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:09,520 So let's have the third one 613 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,640 because I don't think you're getting it from two. John Prescott, Prezza. 614 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:14,920 Goodness me. 615 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,560 Schumann's nickname is Theme And Variations. 616 00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:20,120 Oh, was that one of the Sugababes' line-ups? 617 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:23,960 So I think we'd better have a look at the fourth one. 618 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,040 Fewer points, but this might help. 619 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:27,840 Alcoholics Anonymous and The 12 Steps. 620 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:31,880 - I so can get this. - The last one will give it to you. 621 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,360 - So the last one is only for one point. - OK, hold on now. 622 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:40,120 The Alcoholics Anonymous... The 12 Steps put together by two people 623 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,320 that only have letters as surnames? 624 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,760 You can see why I never got to the end of this show. 625 00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:49,240 No, you'll see the last one and I think... 626 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:50,800 All right, struggle for the buzzer. 627 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,920 - They all had ghost writers! - Yes! 628 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,920 Yes! Yes! Come on! APPLAUSE 629 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,920 - Well done. Well done, Jack. - CHEERING 630 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:14,240 Yes. Argh! 631 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,360 Oh, my God! Steady. 632 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,720 - Steady. Whoa. - Sorry, sorry. 633 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,280 You've made a happy man feel very old. 634 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:30,640 So... 635 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:34,080 I'm going to have to go for a really awkward dinner with my dad now. 636 00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:36,800 LAUGHTER "I watched you on QI..." 637 00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:38,520 Well, you're just too brilliant. 638 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,120 And, of course, we waited until the most intellectual one, 639 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,640 Katie Price's Crystal and you got it, Jack, so marvellous. 640 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,560 - It is a great read. - A point to Jack. 641 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,880 - And your audio book of it was fantastic. - Well, thank you very much. 642 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,600 - But how does The 12 Steps...? - "Me and Dane went on holiday..." 643 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,080 How does that have a ghost writer? 644 00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:54,800 That's what's so interesting, in a way, 645 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,800 is that the Schumann and the Alcoholics Anonymous are ghost-written 646 00:30:57,800 --> 00:30:59,480 in very special and different way, 647 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:01,440 at least according to their authors. 648 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,560 Bill Wilson was one of the founders of AA. 649 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,440 - And Bob W? - That's right. 650 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,680 But Bill Wilson claimed that he was spoken to by a spirit, a ghost, 651 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:11,800 who told him what the 12 steps were. 652 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,400 Oh, well, you could say the same about all of Yeats' poetry. 653 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:15,600 Well, indeed, you could. 654 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,760 And Schumann claimed that the spirits 655 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:20,400 of Schubert and Mendelssohn gave him the idea 656 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,440 for his Theme And Variations In E Flat. 657 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,560 So this piece is actually also known as the Ghost Variations. 658 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:28,600 But John Prescott's autobiography was written by Hunter Davies, 659 00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:32,440 Prezza, who also gave us the Gazza and Wayne Rooney book. 660 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,760 Katie Price's second novel, Crystal, 661 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,800 out-sold all seven Booker Prize nominees that year. 662 00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,040 She wasn't nominated for the Booker Prize? 663 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,280 It wasn't actually nominated itself, though. 664 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:43,360 - Scandalous! - I know. 665 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:46,040 She talks through the stories with her ghost writer, 666 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:47,320 who then writes them out, 667 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:49,440 or as one of Price's managers put it, 668 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,720 "Katie says what she wants the story to be like, 669 00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:54,000 "and they just put it into book words." 670 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:56,840 LAUGHTER Really? 671 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,080 She's been stuck in that pose for so long 672 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,680 that a group of spiders have colonised her head. 673 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:05,520 That's true. Which else...? 674 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,800 Oh, yes, Ted Sorensen was JFK's speech writer, who came up 675 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:13,040 with perhaps his most famous phrase that he used in his inauguration. 676 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,600 "Ask not what you can do for your..." No... 677 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,640 "Ask not what your country can do for you..." 678 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:20,800 Have a kebab. 679 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,280 "..but what you can do for your country." 680 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:26,680 Known as a chiasmus, exactly, and a fine example of one. 681 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,120 And that was written by Sorensen. 682 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:31,320 And Ronald Reagan said of his autobiography, do you know what he said? 683 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:33,000 He looked forward to reading it. 684 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,880 Yes. "I hear it's a terrific book. I look forward to reading it." 685 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:38,760 Absolutely right. Very good. 686 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:42,760 - Anyway, that's all from Only Connect. - ONLY CONNECT THEME PLAYS 687 00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:44,960 APPLAUSE 688 00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:46,280 Thank you. 689 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,200 Right, now, this here what you're about to see is the longest 690 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:54,400 word in literature. What do you think it means? 691 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,120 Is it the Greek for "that place in North Wales?" 692 00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,960 LAUGHTER 693 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,320 It's the Greek for "that peculiar feeling 694 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:09,720 "when you're trapped in a labyrinth with a man with a bull's head." 695 00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:12,880 That Minotaur-y feeling. 696 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:16,160 "Minatory" is an English word, which means threatening, 697 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,480 so it would be rather appropriate. No, this... Who's the best-known... 698 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,760 comic Greek playwright? 699 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:23,240 - Aristophanes. - Aristophanes. 700 00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:26,840 Aristophanes, first in was Alan. And this is basically lunch. 701 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:29,760 Lunch in ancient Greek. It actually means, "a dish of sliced fish, 702 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:33,240 "shark and remnants of dogfish head, forming a pungent sharp tasting 703 00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:35,520 "mixture, laserwort, crab with drizzled honey, 704 00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,520 "and thrush and a blackbird on top, a wood pigeon, a normal pigeon, 705 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,960 "a little baked chicken head, another pigeon, a hare, 706 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,600 "with boiled down wine, and crunchy wings for dipping." 707 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:45,000 I'll just have the soup. 708 00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:52,040 - What, no feta? - No. And not a bottle of Retsina, either. 709 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,960 - Oh, I love feta, me. - That's why they went bankrupt in Greece 710 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:59,680 because it took them so long to write out the menus, they did no business. 711 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:02,560 Talking of lunch, what do we know about the word lunch, 712 00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:05,520 - a good L word, lunch. - Now, you see, interestingly... 713 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:07,680 - Luncheon. - Luncheon, yes, that's how it started. 714 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:12,960 As a matter of fact, it isn't. It was lunch first. 715 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:14,480 And people extended it to luncheon 716 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,600 because they thought it sounded smarter. 717 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:21,160 - Not quite right. - It is! I've made a whole programme about this. 718 00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:23,040 LAUGHTER 719 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:27,520 - It derives from an Anglo-Saxon word. - It does... - From nuncheon. 720 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,480 This is like watching two great stags, locking heads, together. 721 00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:34,160 But it doesn't. Where do you think the phrase 722 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,200 "ploughman's lunch" comes from? 723 00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:37,840 From ploughmen having their lunch? 724 00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:41,000 - No, it was invented by the Milk Marketing Board. - That's true. 725 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:45,240 Investigating the history of that, we discovered that it is very 726 00:34:45,240 --> 00:34:47,640 disputed whether lunch comes from nuncheon. 727 00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:50,560 Well, until about the 18th century, the word nuncheon was used. 728 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:54,720 You have a light nuncheon. And nuncheon has a very clear derivation. 729 00:34:54,720 --> 00:34:58,400 It comes from "noon", as in mid-day, and "schench", which means drink. 730 00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,720 It was literally a liquid lunch. Nuncheon. 731 00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:03,880 And it was changed, no-one's quite sure why it changed to luncheon, 732 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,320 but it did change to luncheon, 733 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:07,400 and then the luncheon got dropped to lunch. 734 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:08,720 30-15, Fry! 735 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,720 LAUGHTER 736 00:35:11,720 --> 00:35:15,440 APPLAUSE 737 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:19,200 Well, it's very convincing. I wish you had been on the programme. 738 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,520 The theory put forward was that they had been rolled 739 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:24,400 together in people's minds and lunch came from somewhere else 740 00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:26,640 and it was made longer to sound smarter. 741 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:27,960 So then people thought it was 742 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,960 the same as the word luncheon, but it's not. 743 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:33,600 I do not know of people using the word lunch before the word luncheon. 744 00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:35,480 That's breakfast, isn't it? 745 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,840 LAUGHTER 746 00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:41,840 - Anyway, what we have got here is a picnic. - Yeah. 747 00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:47,680 - Well, let's move to less disputed areas. - Or arm wrestle. 748 00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:49,120 LAUGHTER 749 00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:51,760 We'll do a Harry Hill moment. 750 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:53,680 Well, there you go. 751 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:56,120 And so to the epilogue that we call General Ignorance. 752 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:58,960 Time for fingers on buzzers, please. What comes before a fall? 753 00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:00,600 AIR HORN "Arsenal! Arsenal!" 754 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:02,480 Pride. 755 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:04,360 - Oh! - KLAXON 756 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,440 Victoria, did you do a programme about this? 757 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,160 - Is this going to be something to do with Greek drama? - No, no, no. 758 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:20,000 It's the Book of Proverbs in the King James Bible, and it says, 759 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:24,560 "Pride goeth before destruction, an haughty spirit before a fall." 760 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:25,920 And there you are. 761 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:28,120 But things that are misquoted are rather fun. 762 00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:32,400 There's a 2009 survey that found that the most common misquote 763 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:37,400 is mispronouncing the phrase "damp squib" as "damp squid". 764 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,080 Yeah, it was a bit of a damp squid. 765 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:42,320 What kind of idiot would say that?! 766 00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:44,360 I've definitely said that. LAUGHTER 767 00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:47,800 It would mean something completely different because you want a squid to be damp. 768 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:50,840 - Yeah, horrible to have a dry squid. - Damp squid is the best sort of squid. 769 00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:53,320 - Oh, deep-fried squid is lush, though, isn't it? - Calamari. 770 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:56,920 But you can say that as a compliment then. If you get served that 771 00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:01,400 ridiculous Greek dish and its a tasty version of it, "What a damp squid!" 772 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,120 Yeah, exactly. 773 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,400 Other things include "On tender hooks" instead of "tenterhooks". 774 00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,200 ALAN GUFFAWS 775 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:12,200 "Nipping something in the butt", which is quite different. 776 00:37:13,240 --> 00:37:15,360 A "mute point" instead of a "moot point". 777 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,400 Well, it's a Catch 24, isn't it, really? 778 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:19,400 LAUGHTER 779 00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,520 They're called "eggcorns", as in from a mangling of acorns. 780 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:24,600 # The Simpsons... # 781 00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:28,840 APPLAUSE 782 00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:36,200 There's "in lame man's terms" is used, apparently. 783 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:37,440 "Cut to the cheese." 784 00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:41,440 - That's good. - It is, isn't it? 785 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,280 "To all intensive purposes." 786 00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:46,480 "The feeble position" instead of "the foetal position", which is very odd. 787 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:49,160 I've definitely had the feeble position before. 788 00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:51,200 "Soaping wet", which is a sort of mix 789 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:54,040 between "sopping wet" and "soaking wet", I think. 790 00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:57,000 "Soaping wet". I was soaping wet! 791 00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:58,560 - That sounds filthy. - LAUGHTER 792 00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:00,080 "Giving up the goat." 793 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:03,600 I think that's a Welsh one, I think. 794 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,840 I'm so glad you put your hand up to that one, 795 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:09,480 I wasn't really going to mention it. 796 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:11,120 "Getting your nipples in a twist." 797 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:14,000 These are kind of Fools And... 798 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,960 - Or Kath And Kim, they're always saying things wrong. - Yeah, yeah. 799 00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:19,560 When she's hungry, she goes, "I'm absolutely ravishing." 800 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:24,760 "Chickens coming home to roast" I rather liked. 801 00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:27,600 I hope they pluck themselves as they come 802 00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,240 and just land gently on your plate. 803 00:38:30,240 --> 00:38:32,480 Anyway, there we are. 804 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,400 "The haughty spirit comes before a fall." 805 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,400 How would you describe a siren's tail? 806 00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:40,120 It's like a fish, like a mermaid. 807 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:41,800 - Oh, dear. - Isn't it? 808 00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,640 - KLAXON - Is no-one else going to play?! 809 00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:48,400 I'm afraid not. 810 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:51,680 Although, you're right, they were on the rocks when they sang. 811 00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:55,120 The song was so alluring, ships were dashed on the rocks. 812 00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:57,160 It's unclear why they wanted that to happen. 813 00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,360 Yeah, I know. They were just wicked for some reason. 814 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:01,560 I think they were annoyed by their lack of nipples. 815 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,360 LAUGHTER 816 00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:07,280 - Yes, that's probably what it was. - Where are my nipples? I don't know. 817 00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:09,240 I've lost my nipples! 818 00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:11,920 So who managed to survive hearing the siren's song? Remember? 819 00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:15,920 - Odysseus. - Odysseus, also known as Ulysses. Yeah. 820 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:17,160 As in The Odyssey. Yeah. 821 00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:20,240 - To hear the song, what did he do so he could hear it? - Taped it. 822 00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:22,720 LAUGHTER 823 00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:25,840 - No, he tapped himself. He had his men... - Downloaded it! 824 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:28,240 On iTunes, along with the Harry Potter audio book. 825 00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:32,400 He had his men tape him to the foremast of his ship. 826 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:34,560 And he made them plug their own ears with wax 827 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,360 so they couldn't hear the siren's song. 828 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:38,880 Because it's such an extraordinary draw. 829 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:41,160 And had himself tied with his ears open. 830 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:43,440 And said, "No matter how much I shout in scream at you 831 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,720 "and you can see my face saying, 'Let me go...' " 832 00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:47,680 - They do that at Simply Red gigs. - Do they? 833 00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:52,680 - All the audience. - So they couldn't hear it. 834 00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,400 So they carried on rowing and he was dying, because he 835 00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:56,760 so wanted to go where 836 00:39:56,760 --> 00:39:59,600 this incredible sound was coming from, but he was the only 837 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:03,280 one who ever heard the siren's song and survived, supposedly. 838 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:06,000 A charming story, not very true, probably, but charming. 839 00:40:07,240 --> 00:40:09,200 Actually, they were half...? 840 00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:10,280 Fish. 841 00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,840 No, we said that, they were half bird. 842 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:15,240 - Bird? - Yes. - JACK: Ooh, sexy. 843 00:40:15,240 --> 00:40:18,360 They were half...fish. 844 00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:22,280 - It gives a whole new meaning to "Are you a leg or a breast man?" - LAUGHTER 845 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:26,840 Why do I think they were half fish, then? 846 00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:28,960 Most people do, that's why we asked the question. 847 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,640 To trap, you know, the common view of them because they... 848 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,440 - When did mermaids get muddled up with sirens? - Interesting point. 849 00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,880 I think it's because they were on the rocks by the coast, 850 00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:40,120 so one assumed that they had something to do with water, but they were on land. 851 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:41,760 And they drew people into their rocks. 852 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:45,600 Anyway, what kind of poisoning can you get from one of these here? 853 00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:48,640 What are these? There we are, I'll give you two one. 854 00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:51,080 - Lead poisoning. - Oh! 855 00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,240 Lead poisoning, you say? Is he right? 856 00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:55,320 - He said that. Someone said that. - Are they right? 857 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,120 - There's no lead in them. - Lead poisoning. 858 00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:58,720 - Graphite. - Graphite poisoning. 859 00:40:58,720 --> 00:41:00,480 - Well... - A stab wound. 860 00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:03,720 LAUGHTER 861 00:41:03,720 --> 00:41:05,760 We're correcting ourselves cos all the way back 862 00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:07,840 to the A series, we said, "There was no chance 863 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:09,720 "on God's or any other earth, that we know of 864 00:41:09,720 --> 00:41:11,600 "of getting lead poisoning from a pencil." 865 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,760 And that is still true today, but the pencils I've given 866 00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:19,520 you are pre-1970s pencils and the paint in them contains lead. 867 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:23,280 - So when I put it in my mouth, you say... - Yeah. 868 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:26,480 - You have to clean it. - I just did it again! 869 00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:28,240 You are an idiot. 870 00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:30,400 LAUGHTER Yeah. 871 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,720 You have to clean a pencil of all paint five times a week. 872 00:41:33,720 --> 00:41:36,200 And then eventually, and it has happened twice, 873 00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:37,960 you would have lead toxicity. 874 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:40,560 Some people really do...suck the ends of pencils. 875 00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:43,640 But you would really, really have to do it for a long, long time. 876 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:47,040 Lead became illegal in all household products by 1978. 877 00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,920 Anyway, now we've reached the end 878 00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:51,600 and it's time to see the scores. 879 00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:55,480 Well, in first place, with a resoundingly clear plus nine points, 880 00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:57,760 it's Victoria Coren Mitchell. 881 00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:00,400 APPLAUSE 882 00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:01,920 Yes! 883 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:05,640 In second place... In second place, 884 00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:09,280 with a very impressive minus two and a half, it's the audience. 885 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:12,320 APPLAUSE 886 00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:18,880 In third place, terrific, terrific debut, minus ten, 887 00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:20,280 - Lloyd Langford! - Thank you. 888 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:23,360 APPLAUSE 889 00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:24,600 Ah. 890 00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:29,040 He can hold his head up with pride, minus 16, Jack Whitehall. 891 00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:31,040 APPLAUSE 892 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:35,520 And limping in the rear, I'm afraid, 893 00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:37,760 it's Alan Davies with minus 39! 894 00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:39,400 APPLAUSE 895 00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:47,960 So, that's all from Victoria, Jack, Lloyd, Alan and me. 896 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:51,680 And I leave you with the last words of French grammarian, 897 00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:53,960 Dominique Bouhours. 898 00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:58,040 "I am about to - or I am going to - die. 899 00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:01,320 "Either expression is used." Thank you and good night.