1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,040 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,200 Hello! 4 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:34,080 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:38,280 and welcome to QI, where tonight we're on lethal form. 6 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:41,200 Let's meet the death-defying Sandi Toksvig. 7 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,400 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,600 The death-denying Jason Manford. 9 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,720 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,400 The death-dealing Bill Bailey. 11 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,040 APPLAUSE 12 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,520 And the drop-dead-gorgeous, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,640 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,760 At least one out of 100 has to be complimentary. 15 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,480 - That was very kind. - Yeah. 16 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,880 Now, slay me with your buzzers. Sandi goes... 17 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:15,920 MACHINE GUN FIRE 18 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:16,960 Jason goes... 19 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,000 HEAVY GUNFIRE 20 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,560 - Wow! - Wow! - Bill goes... 21 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,800 EXPLOSION 22 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,240 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,560 CHILD'S VOICE: Bang, bang, you're dead! 24 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:30,800 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,160 Very good. 26 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,640 APPLAUSE 27 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,080 So, before we start, I have to remind you 28 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,440 we have in this series a Spend A Penny round, because... 29 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,080 CASH REGISTER 30 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,720 Exactly. 31 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:47,720 Because L stands for lavatory, 32 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:52,080 one of the answers will involve lavatories in one form or another. 33 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:53,520 All things lavatorial. 34 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,760 So, if you do spot a lavatory lurking anywhere, 35 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,640 play your joker and if you're right, I'll give you some points. 36 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,000 What could be fairer than that? 37 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,440 Now, I'm going to hand out some bags, can you take one 38 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,760 - and give one to Jason, Sandi, there? - Thank you. 39 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,080 And you've got yours, I think, already, haven't you? 40 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,040 Now, you should have a bottle with a cork in it, 41 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:11,120 and I want you, using the bag and the bottle 42 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,680 to get the cork out of the bottle. 43 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,480 You can't break the bottle, obviously. 44 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,160 Are these...? These are the ones we use when we go dog walking. 45 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,480 Yes, they are, they're pooper scooper ones, exactly. 46 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,920 - Are they? - Yeah. But they haven't been used, I promise you. 47 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,000 No, obviously. I was going to use the penny. 48 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,120 The people near me have started... Does this happen to anyone else? 49 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,040 They pick it up, put it in the bag and then hang it on a tree. 50 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,160 Does that happen...? They just leave it hanging on a tree! 51 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,480 Like a Christmas decoration! 52 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,800 Like a really shit Christmas tree - literally. 53 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,480 - I think that's a Salford thing, Jason. - I think so! 54 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,440 Ooh. I say, Sandi's looking promising. 55 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,440 That's definitely the right idea, is to blow down the bag, 56 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,240 but I think we need a little bit more down the bottle. 57 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:50,560 Or as much of it as you can get. 58 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,600 You might use your pen to push, as long as you don't tear the bag. 59 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,600 BILL: Oh, this is exciting. I don't know what I'm doing. 60 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,520 No. 61 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,360 Oi, that's my catchphrase! 62 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,520 - Come in here, rob my phrase.... - I'm just copying what Sandi's doing. 63 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:04,800 Oh, Sandi, Sandi, yeah. 64 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,320 Line it up, if you can line it up, 65 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,040 it's going to go, I think. 66 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:09,640 If you can, it's so close. 67 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:13,240 - Oh! - Oh! - Look, we'll show you. One of our researchers, Zara, 68 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,960 she managed to do it and we shot her doing it, so have a look. 69 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,000 - You shot her?! - You shot her! 70 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,120 Watch, there she goes. 71 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,760 If you succeed, we will have to shoot you. 72 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,800 There, there she goes. She's just blown up it. 73 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:28,440 A little bit. There it goes. 74 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:29,680 There. 75 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,280 Well done, Zara. Now... 76 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,000 APPLAUSE 77 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,560 Oh, wait a minute. 78 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,200 - Oh, oh, nearly. - Oh, nearly. 79 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,000 You didn't blow enough to provide enough suction, that's the key. 80 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,120 You have to get the bag... 81 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,320 Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring, blow in the bag. 82 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,080 Blow in the bag, we used to blow in the bag. 83 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,880 We'll soon get it out, Mr Mainwaring. 84 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,320 We'll blow in the bag. Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring! 85 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,680 I think Stephen, it's there... 86 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,480 - You've got it? - This is brilliant! 87 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,920 - Don't panic, we'll blow in the bag sir! - See if you can pull. 88 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,280 I don't know what I'm doing. 89 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,640 Oh, yeah. We don't want to stretch the... 90 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,080 I think it's there. You've got it. 91 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,600 Yes! 92 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,120 APPLAUSE 93 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,360 Oh, well done. 94 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,040 Brilliant. Now... 95 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,200 No, you haven't got the pressure there. 96 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,520 OK, pop them away. 97 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,360 BOTTLE CLANKS 98 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,040 APPLAUSE 99 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,840 That's very much one way to do it. 100 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,360 No, it can't be done. 101 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,600 But what's really interesting about this is 102 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,320 how will this save possibly millions of lives, this trick? 103 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,480 It's not to do with the stent thing, is it? 104 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,480 When they blow up a little balloon into your... 105 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:35,920 No, it's not, it's... 106 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,480 People getting corks trapped. 107 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,720 That's not going to save that many lives. 108 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,080 - It might save a lot of distress. - Yes, that's what I mean. 109 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,840 To people who want the cork out of a bottle, but it's not really... 110 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,200 Is it the inside of the penis, can we just clear that up? 111 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,520 - Oh! - No, it isn't. - Is it up the bum hole? 112 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,480 - No! - In the ear? - In the ear hole? 113 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,560 - People sticking corks in their ear. - No. This... 114 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:56,840 Is it a common condition? 115 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,120 It is, in the Third World especially, 116 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:02,920 a very common condition and one that causes millions of deaths a year. 117 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,760 And that's childbirth fatalities, because of breach births, 118 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,680 and being stuck and so on. 119 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,960 And it took an Argentinian mechanic, 120 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,880 who saw a video clip of the trick. 121 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,400 His name was Jorge Odon, 122 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,920 and he thought, what would be really good... 123 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,280 His name was Corkay? 124 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,040 No, Jorge. He was called Jorge. 125 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,160 George in Spanish. I like that idea, his name was Corky. 126 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,240 Corky Odon. And he thought that would work on babies. 127 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,000 - Already a sucker is used. - Yes, but I just want to be clear. 128 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:37,720 So, you're having trouble giving birth, and a mechanic comes along 129 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,480 - with a plastic bag... - Yeah. - Yeah. 130 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,920 Pushes it in and then goes, "I'm just going to blow." 131 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,840 That's pretty much... 132 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,000 - Don't worry, I've seen a video. - It'll be fine. 133 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,200 - That's exactly... - Seen it on YouTube. 134 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:50,040 And the obstetrician he showed it to 135 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:52,880 thought that he was on some hidden camera show and that it was a trick 136 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,680 and that he was going to be made an idiot of. 137 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,080 But he realised that it was a fantastic idea. 138 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,640 Cos before then they... Do you know the device that is used 139 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,160 to try and pull babies out? 140 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,680 - Oh, the forceps. - Well, the forceps is the really old one, 141 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,800 but the more common one now is the one on the right. 142 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,560 It's a sort of a sucker thing. 143 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,400 It is a sucker, but it has a particular name. 144 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,680 AUDIENCE SHOUT SUGGESTIONS 145 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,480 Ventouse. What's the other one being shouted? 146 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,560 - Kiwi. - You call it a kiwi? 147 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,280 Yeah. We're student midwives. 148 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,320 - Oh, really? Well, then we bow to your superior knowledge. - Yes. 149 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,680 Midwifery is a good thing. 150 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,800 Midwifery, it sounds a bit like a sort of 151 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,640 not very noxious fart, doesn't it? 152 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,720 LAUGHTER 153 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,080 Sort of mid whiffery. Jolly. It... 154 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,280 Can I just say, Stephen, you were, up until then, being so sensitive. 155 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,400 Yeah. 156 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,320 "Your job sounds like a fart!" 157 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,560 Odon's method inserts a plastic bag, just as you said, 158 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,920 into the birth canal, under the baby's chin. 159 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,520 Air is then pumped in, inflating the bag gently around the baby's head. 160 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,960 There's no danger of suffocation. Why is that? 161 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,560 Because they're not breathing yet. 162 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,760 Because babies don't breathe in the womb, exactly. 163 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,200 The baby is then safely pulled out 164 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,280 without the damage of bleeding forceps. 165 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,080 And we can see that. 166 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,040 - Not in real life. - All right, yes. - Phew. 167 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,600 There you go, and that's the suction power 168 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,720 is on a little calibrated thing, you see. 169 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:10,080 Then you, again, take it away and it's exactly the same principle. 170 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,760 FROM AUDIENCE: It's inconceivable! 171 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,840 Thank you. I hope... 172 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,520 Thank you. Out, out! 173 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,800 I think you've rather misunderstood 174 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,920 the role of audience intervention here. 175 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,240 But the way that the device goes around the baby's head, 176 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,440 very, very similar to the way the chameleon gets its prey. 177 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:29,720 - Its prey, yes. - You know? 178 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,720 Because the tongue is actually, sort of... 179 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,280 It subsumes the prey and goes round it and then... 180 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,240 Perhaps you could train a chameleon. 181 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,200 To give birth! 182 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,640 Just hold one up to the appropriate area. 183 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:42,760 That's a brilliant idea. 184 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,520 I feel sorry for this woman who's already said no to the engineer 185 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,160 and then Bill Bailey turns up... 186 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,680 "What about the chameleon?" 187 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,200 - Well... - She might not be able to see the chameleon 188 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,640 - if he's been hanging around for a while. - That's true. 189 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,360 That would take the stress out of it, it just looks like your arm. 190 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:58,720 That's true, yeah. 191 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,360 Oh, what's this? Oh, it's just, it's just a patterned shirt. 192 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,800 Yeah, it's fine. 193 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,120 And then it runs up a tree with it. 194 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,520 Yeah. That is a disadvantage. 195 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,240 Then it gets raised as a chameleon. 196 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,400 - That's not a bad thing. - Yeah. 197 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,240 Everything you said about this, "Why a mechanic?" 198 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,960 As Dr Merialdi of the World Health Organization said, 199 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,160 with 5.6 million babies a year dying, he said, 200 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,920 for many years, almost centuries, nothing has advanced 201 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,480 in medical science in terms of the delivery of babies, 202 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,560 which is a natural process, but it is also a mechanical process. 203 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,520 So perhaps it's not surprising that it's a mechanic 204 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,040 who saw a way through to easing it. 205 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,360 - I love it cos it's so simple. - It is so simple! 206 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,680 It's kind of palm-smacking, isn't it? A lot of doctors 207 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,880 and obstetricians would have thought, "Wow." 208 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,960 One of the great advantages is that throughout the Third World 209 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,720 midwives and nurses can use it without the presence of a doctor. 210 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,200 It's an incredibly simple technique and very, very cheap 211 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,360 as long as you sterilise everything, obviously, which you would anyway. 212 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,800 - So, good news. - Well done, Corky! 213 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,840 A car mechanic, there, from Argentina 214 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,120 will save millions of lives with the cork-in-the-bottle trick. 215 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,480 Suggest some lethal uses for a laptop? 216 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:06,720 Oh, some lethal... 217 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,440 - Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs. - Yeah. - Drones. 218 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,160 Hitting people over the head. 219 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,160 - AS KEIFER SUTHERLAND: - Damn it, Chloe! 220 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,560 - Yeah. - Yeah. 221 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,040 That was like he was in the room. 222 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,440 Thank you. 223 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,360 I just happen to have been working with him, that's all. 224 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,840 - Oh, please. - Is he nice? Please tell me he's nice. 225 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,120 He's an incredibly nice guy. 226 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:30,000 He really is, everyone adores him on the set. Kiefer, this is. 227 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,200 - Keefa? - Keefa, yeah. - Keefa. - Keefa. 228 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,880 - Keefa, you know. - Oh, Keefa. Oh, yes. 229 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,800 - What's he talking about? - Anyway, he's always on laptops. 230 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,680 I don't know what you're talking about. 231 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:41,080 - My favourite one is when he talks about... - 24. - Oh, 24, oh. 232 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,880 When he talks about parabolics. 233 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,120 - Parabolics. - Where are the parabolics? 234 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,040 I'm like, "Are you saying pair of bollocks?" 235 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,400 That's what it sounds like. Parabolics. 236 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,800 Is it still going, then, 24? 237 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,720 Yes. I'm in it, I played the British Prime Minister. 238 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,240 What kind of Prime Minister were you? Were you sage? 239 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,240 Well, it was non-specified in terms of party. 240 00:09:58,240 --> 00:09:59,600 Oh. But were you very sage? 241 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,640 Like almost every Prime Minister we've had for the last 20 years! 242 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 243 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,280 Is it really over-the-top London, though, is it like, 244 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:14,200 "Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card!" 245 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,720 - Is it all that? - It is all shot in London. 246 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,040 "I'm at Spitting Fields!" 247 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,400 "There are engineering works! 248 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,880 "I'm on a bus replacement service! 249 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,880 "Follow me on the satellite! 250 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,600 "The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going! 251 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,520 "What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Ladbroke Grove? 252 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,360 "You can't use the Harrow Road!" 253 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,760 APPLAUSE 254 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,920 I've forgotten what the question was. 255 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,000 Yes, well, lethal uses for a laptop. 256 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,880 Oh, right, so hitting people over the head. 257 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:56,000 You can leave it on the rear parcel shelf of a car 258 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,640 - and you stop too quickly, then, you know. - Yeah. 259 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:04,520 I know this because I went to one of those speed awareness courses, 260 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:09,520 and there's this ex-copper, and he was trying to scare everyone, 261 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:14,520 and he went, "Yes, this lady, lady driver, had a laptop computer, 262 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,400 "a laptop computer on the back... 263 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,160 Mel Smith was in the room for a second. 264 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,360 It was, yeah, it was. 265 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,840 He talked like that, he went, "Laptop computer, on the back." 266 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,120 It's very Mel Smith. 267 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,320 "On the back shelf, and she stopped too quickly, 268 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:29,920 "took her head clean off. 269 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,600 "Took her head clean off, like a knife through butter." 270 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,000 It's always clean off, isn't it? 271 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,280 And there was a dear old lady next to me, 272 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:40,320 who'd been caught doing 31mph in a built-up area... 273 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,960 On a tiny little scooter thing. 274 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,800 Yeah, on a mobility scooter. 275 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,680 - I can't stop! - I can't hold it! 276 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,080 - You'll have to go to a workshop. - Yeah. 277 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,120 And she grabbed my hand, she went, "Oh, my God!" 278 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:56,680 Like that. But, of course, I can't imagine it. 279 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,720 No, actually, we're in Australia 280 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,880 and it's a programme that's written on a computer. 281 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,920 - A virus. - It's nothing to do with the Wi-Fi, is it? 282 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:03,960 - Do they not... - No, no. 283 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,360 It's a specific programme written by a specific person, 284 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,080 in order to help someone do something that will end their lives. 285 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,800 - Is it some euthanasia thing? - It's a euthanasia programme, yes. 286 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,800 There's an Australian doctor, called Dr Death - obviously, 287 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,520 - as they always are - and he's rigged up this... - Death machine. 288 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,120 ..injection system to a laptop 289 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,800 and you have to answer three questions. 290 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,360 You have to be sane and smart enough 291 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,760 to answer the three questions, yes, positively. 292 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,440 - Do you know what they are? - Yes, I have them for you. - OK. 293 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,680 "One - are you aware that if you go ahead to the last screen 294 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,400 "and press the yes button, 295 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,760 "you will be given a lethal dose of medications and die?" 296 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,680 So, they're not difficult questions. 297 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:43,280 - No. - Also, I... 298 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,480 I thought it was going to be things like, you know... 299 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:47,960 - What year was the Battle of Crecy? - Yes. 300 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:51,000 I scroll through a lot of these and just press accept. 301 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,040 That would be my worry. 302 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,280 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terms and conditions, I've read them. 303 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,600 Terms and conditions, terms and conditions. 304 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,080 The second one is, "Are you certain you understand 305 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,280 "that if you proceed and press the yes button on the next screen 306 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,560 "that you will die?" 307 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:07,840 Wow. 308 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,360 - That's just very clear. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So you press yes again. 309 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,800 - So does it then say, "Are you sure?" - On the third screen... 310 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,280 - Are you sure? Come on now. - In 15 seconds... 311 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,760 Have you seen the word "die"? 312 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:20,880 ..you will be given a lethal injection. Press yes to proceed. 313 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,920 - It's that simple. - That's heavy, man. - Yeah. 314 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,200 SANDI: And where do you get it, Amazon? 315 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,560 No. But... 316 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:30,240 I suppose if you've made the decision, then, you know, 317 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,600 it's finding a... I found a very odd... 318 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,840 I didn't know this was a rule, recently, 319 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,120 I always get headaches when I'm on tour, so I thought, 320 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,360 "Well, I may as well just stock up on paracetamol," 321 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,800 cos I go through a couple a night. 322 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,200 So, I tried to buy about 48 packets of paracetamol. 323 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,560 No, no, no, no, no. That'll kill you. 324 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,360 Well, yeah, obviously I wasn't going to take them all at once, 325 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,640 - but obviously there's a rule. - They don't know that. 326 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:52,880 You're only allowed... 327 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,360 But I just thought to myself, that's saving no-one, is it? 328 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,560 No-one's got to that point and gone, "Oh, can I not? 329 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,920 "Oh, I'll stay alive then, thank you very much." 330 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,960 I go into a newsagents and order a bottle of vodka 331 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,520 and they give me a quarter one now. 332 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,400 Because they've heard things about me. 333 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,440 Although, there was a moment when the woman embarrassed me 334 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,880 in front of a queue of people, where she said, 335 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,840 "I can't sell you that many paracetamol." 336 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,280 And I went, "Oh, why? Why is that?" 337 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,280 And she said, "It's in case you kill yourself." 338 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,240 She said those words to me. And I, this was my panic, I went, 339 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,320 "What? But there's a load of freezer stuff in there!" 340 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,400 Like, that was my actual point. 341 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,360 Like, that was the logic, you know? 342 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,480 Look in my trolley there, there's some long-life milk, why am I going? 343 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:36,640 Why would I go? 344 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,720 Do you think I'm mad? Do you think I'd waste that? 345 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:44,480 There's some Findus crispy pancakes I'm looking forward to! 346 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,920 Yeah, there's a Solero in there, I've got so much to live for! 347 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,400 You want to look into that headache thing, 348 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,120 it'll be caffeine-related, I expect. 349 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,680 - You want to flush your system. - I'll do that. 350 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,360 With vodka. 351 00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,600 I have to say, the only time I've had morphine was in Copenhagen. 352 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,600 I had kidney stones, they gave me morphine. 353 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,800 I should think so, it's the most painful thing. 354 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,120 And my partner said it was so embarrassing because 355 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,480 I was just lying there going, "I'm filled with honey." 356 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,200 We had Jeremy Clarkson on and he was talking about kidney stones, 357 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,960 said the most painful thing a human being could have. 358 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,240 And someone said, "Erm, childbirth, I'll think you'll find." 359 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:25,000 And he said, "Ah, do we have anyone in the audience who has given birth 360 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,800 "to a child and had kidney stones?" 361 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,120 - And there was one person. - Course there is! - And he said, 362 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,720 "Which was the most painful?" And she said kidney stones. 363 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,200 - Do they zap them with something sonic? - They do now. 364 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,400 I was off my head, I've no idea what they did. 365 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,000 I think they do, they dissolve them and then you pee them out. 366 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,640 What you don't want is someone giving it, "Come here. Come here! 367 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:45,840 "Bend over!" 368 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,040 APPLAUSE 369 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,560 Let's get this chameleon, let's line it up... 370 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,840 with your, er...entrance. 371 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,480 Well, what about suicide booths, where do they exist? 372 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,520 Have you ever seen or heard of them? Soylent Green? 373 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,760 A Harry Harrison novel that was a great movie. 374 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,400 There are suicide booths there, used by Matt Groening 375 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,280 in Futurama, rather wonderfully. 376 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,200 So what, you just pop in and kill yourself? 377 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,160 Yeah, there are three modes of death in Futurama - quick and painless, 378 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,600 slow and horrible and clumsy bludgeoning. 379 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,520 So what, you just put a 50p in or something? 380 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,320 Yeah, that's the idea in science fiction, 381 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,960 that people would want to do that. 382 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:31,720 Euthanasia becomes not just a right, but a sort of...fuck it, you know? 383 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,440 - I like a photo booth, though. - Yes. 384 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,080 They've got that retro, you know, Instamatic, 385 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,000 Instagram type thing, you know? 386 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,120 We've sort of gone reverse, cos the photo's getting so perfect, 387 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,120 we've now got to a point where we go, 388 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,040 "Get Instagram and make it a bit worse." 389 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,240 I'm going to do an app where you just put, like, 390 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,520 your dad's thumb in the top corner. 391 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:50,640 "Remember this?" 392 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:53,320 They used to say if you look like your passport photograph, 393 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,440 you're probably not well enough to travel. 394 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,120 That's a very good theory, I like that. 395 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,760 The very first job I ever applied for in TV, it said you had to send in 396 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,040 your CV and your photograph, and traditionally in show business 397 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,720 it's a sort of 8x10, used to be an 8x10 rather glossy thing. 398 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,000 I didn't know that, I went to Victoria Station and, erm... 399 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,400 And the stool was stuck, erm, down low. 400 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,000 So, honestly, I sent in a photograph of the top... 401 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,880 LAUGHTER 402 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:23,120 ..of my head, and they thought it was a joke - so I got the job. 403 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:24,360 Really?! 404 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,600 - APPLAUSE - Wow. 405 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,120 - There was an actors' directory, no longer used... - Spotlight. 406 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,880 ..called Spotlight, in which you had to give your photograph, 407 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,400 and I remember Barry Humphries had a wonderful one, 408 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,280 just a picture of him like that, not as Dame Edna but it just said, 409 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,480 "Leather and denim roles preferred." 410 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,640 I used to try and put things in to see if they'd print them. 411 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,280 Just out of sheer devilment. 412 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,240 Things like, "Can hover." 413 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,320 "Is magnetic." You know? 414 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,680 "I'm OK round chickens." 415 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,280 Just to see... 416 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,160 But they never printed them, 417 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,640 - they probably just went, "Silly." - Silly! - "Silly man." 418 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,080 "Will hover on demand." 419 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,480 Anyway, yes, this happy little fellow is about to kill himself. 420 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,600 How? 421 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,120 Do you recognise that? 422 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,160 - Is it a field mouse? - He's about to kill himself? 423 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,240 He is, by doing something which nature impels him to do, 424 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,480 - which is a suicidal thing to do. - Fling himself off a cliff. 425 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:27,120 - ALARM BELL - Oh, dear, oh, dear. 426 00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,400 Throwing himself off a cliff, 427 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,960 I thought, well, why not? We'll get that one out of the way. 428 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,520 You thought it might be a lemming 429 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,400 - and, anyway, lemmings don't, of course, but... - No, they don't. 430 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,320 It's not a lemming, it's in fact not a rodent. 431 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,840 - Is it not? - No. - Is it a squirrel? - Is it a marsupial? - Squirrel? 432 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:41,880 It is a marsupial, yes, 433 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,960 it's a bit of a convergent how-do-you-do, there. 434 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,760 It's a marsupial, and it's called an antechinus. 435 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,640 Antechinus? Well, what are the natural things? 436 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,560 It's either going to eat something or it's going to drink something. 437 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,440 What do animals live to do? They live to eat in order to? 438 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,600 - Procreate. - To survive long enough to procreate, to pass on their genes. 439 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,680 So, is it some naughty sex thing that happens? 440 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,200 It's about to have sex, and that is, for it, suicide. 441 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,400 They go on an extraordinary shagging spree. 442 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,960 I mean, it is quite, quite unbelievable. 443 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,920 I have to give you the details, because they're pretty amazing. 444 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,880 It's semelparous, which means it only does it once. 445 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,920 And it's about 12 hours on the job 446 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,240 with one female before moving on to the next. 447 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,560 It doesn't eat or sleep, 448 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,000 it just keeps going in a testosterone-driven frenzy. 449 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,640 Well, never mind about him - that poor female! 450 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,160 Well, that's, then the next one, and the next one. 451 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,040 12 hours! She must be chafed. 452 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,760 To get the necessary energy, the males' bodies strip themselves 453 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,120 of all their vital proteins and suppress their immune systems. 454 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:43,480 By the end of the fortnight, they are physiologically exhausted, 455 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:47,280 bald, gangrenous, ravaged by stress and infection and keel over and die. 456 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:48,520 Wow! 457 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,920 Russell Brand, take note! 458 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 459 00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,720 - It's pretty grim. - Wow. 460 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,320 That sounds like Henry VIII at the end of his life, doesn't it? 461 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,440 - It does, somewhat. It is, it is. - Does this happen only once, then? 462 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,480 Yes, semelparous, once in Latin, semel is once. 463 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,400 They're dead before the children arrive? 464 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,080 Very much so. And that, some people think, may be the reason... 465 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,320 - Just to get out of childcare. - They can't bear the thought of it. 466 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,800 - Or, if you give it a better gloss, it's in order to... - Food. 467 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,440 ..leave more food for their children. 468 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,280 So, it's 12 hours and then another 12 hours. 469 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,400 - Yeah, yeah. And this lasts for a fortnight, apparently. Yeah. - Wow! 470 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,880 - A two-week mating season. - WOMAN LAUGHING 471 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,480 There's somebody in the audience 472 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,080 remembering her Spanish holiday over there. 473 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,000 Ooh! 474 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,320 Magaluf, 1982. Oh. 475 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,600 Oh, that was a party. 476 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,960 But they aren't the only marsupials with a suicidal sex drive, 477 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,720 there's also marsupial cats, which have a wonderful name. 478 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:47,320 - Very good for Scrabble - quoll. - Quoll? - Q-U-O-L-L. 479 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,760 Very good Scrabble word. There's a little quoll. 480 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,040 These are all Australian? 481 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,320 The female northerns, yes, are subjected by males 482 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,040 to bouts of copulation. 483 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,000 It is put here they can last 24 hours, 484 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,680 - with plenty of biting and screeching. - Oh, I say! 485 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,600 They soon get their own back, though. 486 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,080 The post-coital males lose weight, become anaemic, 487 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,440 their scrotums shrink, their fur falls out 488 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,560 - and they get infested with lice. - Oh, wow. 489 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,040 Within a week or two they die 490 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,400 like their mousy cousins, martyrs to their genes. 491 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,480 - Wow. Horrible. - It's grim, isn't it? 492 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,240 - It's grim down south. - Even if that was in humans, 493 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:22,280 - I think most men would go, "Ah, may as well!" - Worth it! 494 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,120 "I'm here now!" 495 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,640 Worth it! What a day! 496 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,160 All the females are sitting around going, "Don't worry, 497 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,520 "they'll be gone in a minute." 498 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,400 I presume they don't know it's going to happen to them. 499 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,800 No, presumably they'd have no sense of the impending... 500 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,440 There's no three questions. "If you have sex, you will die." 501 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,440 - Because they never knew their father. - "Press yes." 502 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,480 "Are you sure you want sex?" "Yes!" 503 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,520 "Definitely?" "Oh, yes!" 504 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,400 "Here's a picture of somebody who's had sex." 505 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,600 Their father, unfortunately, isn't there to tell them. 506 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,720 - By definition. - "Don't do it!" 507 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:04,080 - So they are, they're railroaded into this. - Just programmed. 508 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:07,400 - Self-destructive shagging frenzy. - Programmed. Deeply programmed. 509 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,600 Now, if you had to fight a duel, 510 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,520 which weapon would you want your opponent to choose? 511 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:15,440 A - Hot-air balloon? Would that please you? 512 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,360 B - A billiard ball? C - A sword? 513 00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:19,920 Or D - A sausage? 514 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,640 - Sausages are fairly non-lethal. - You'd say sausage. 515 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,880 I would think you could get terrible food poisoning from a sausage. 516 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,640 If you had them in a string of sausages... 517 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,160 I don't know how you'd use the hot-air balloon as an actual weapon 518 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,920 unless you land on somebody, I don't know how you would... 519 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:39,800 The rules were, if you challenge someone to a duel, 520 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,920 the person you challenge can choose the weapon and the place. 521 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,600 So if you choose a balloon, 522 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,600 - you're choosing... - They'd be in the balloon? 523 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,200 They can choose a gun and a balloon. 524 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,920 You can pretty much work out what could therefore happen. 525 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:54,720 And you would draw straws as to who shoots first. 526 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:57,320 If they're not very good shots, the first one could miss. 527 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,520 It would be a bit annoying if you had chosen guns and balloons 528 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:03,560 and then got the short straw and he got to shoot first. 529 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,400 - You'd be like, "What's the point?" - Yes. 530 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,440 Although it's not a small target, 531 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,000 it depends how far away it was, of course. 532 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,080 Well, we do have history on our side, 533 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,800 so we can tell a story about the sausage. 534 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,240 There was a scientist, a very eminent scientist, 535 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:20,240 who was rather liberal in his ways, who lived in Prussia, 536 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,120 and who was the great leader of Prussia, 537 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:25,320 who basically unified Germany and was the, what we would call 538 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,640 a prime minister, but he was the Minister President of Prussia. 539 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:31,240 - Bismarck. - Von Bismarck, exactly. 540 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:34,840 And this German pathologist, who was called Rudolf Virchow, 541 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,960 so opposed the mighty armaments programme that Bismarck had started, 542 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,920 that he enraged Bismarck who challenged him to a duel. 543 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,200 So, because he got to choose, this doctor, 544 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,280 who was the first man to isolate the pathogen 545 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:52,720 behind pork that had gone off, which is called Trichinella spiralis, 546 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,520 said, "OK, the weapons will be sausages." 547 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:59,320 One of which would be poisonous, toxic, as you say, with this agent, 548 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:02,360 this pathogen, so he challenged him to a breakfast, essentially, 549 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:05,280 and Bismarck didn't like the idea, so he called the whole thing off, 550 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,040 which the challenger has the right to do. 551 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,640 - So, it's a sausage roulette? - Yeah. 552 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,960 Yeah, basically, sausage roulette. 553 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,520 Yeah. But with only two. 554 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,600 And so you had a 50/50 chance of dying, 555 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,320 so that's a pretty dangerous duel, a sausage duel. 556 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,240 So, moving from the sausage to the balloon. 557 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,160 Monsieur Grandpre and Monsieur de Pique. 558 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,080 We're going to get quite French, because you know what they're like. 559 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:28,600 In 1808, there was a dispute between these two over the affections of a young woman. 560 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,120 They took to the skies in separate hot air balloons, each armed with a Blunderbuss. 561 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:35,440 De Pique shot first and missed. He had the first shot and he missed. 562 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:36,560 It is a moment, isn't it? 563 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,120 Grandpre then fired at de Pique's balloon and punctured it, 564 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,520 - sending him and his second down to their deaths. - Wow. 565 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,840 2,000 feet above Paris. So, a balloon, pretty damned dangerous. 566 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:49,720 The very first female air passenger ever was in a hot-air balloon - 567 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,640 Elisabeth Thible. She was an opera singer 568 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,080 and she was dressed as Minerva and sang arias from opera 569 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:58,040 - as she fed the fire and the balloon took off. - How wonderful! 570 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,240 Unfortunately, she landed and sprained her ankle, 571 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,400 but other than that... 572 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:04,640 Yes, it's great. She was the very first female passenger. 573 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,720 There's only one example of a billiard ball duel 574 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,360 that we've been able to discover 575 00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:11,040 and that took place between a Monsieur Lenfant 576 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:14,080 and a Monsieur Melfant. They fell out over a game of billiards, 577 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,000 not surprisingly, and so they used what was to hand - billiard balls. 578 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,320 Presumably it was carom if they were French. 579 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,640 And they decided to resolve their difference 580 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,120 by pelting each other one after the other with billiard balls. 581 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,640 Again, they drew straws to see who would throw first. 582 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,480 And Melfant won and he warned his opponent he would kill him 583 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,960 with one single strike and he did. Straight between the eyes, dead. 584 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,480 - Wow. - Wow. - Bloody hell. - God. - Yeah. That's, so that's... 585 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,160 And he probably went, "I was joking!" 586 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,400 Yeah, exactly. 587 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,120 "I didn't think I'd actually hit you." 588 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,960 - Why didn't they use the cue? Surely, that would have been a... - Yeah. 589 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,720 So, of all the weapons we've described, 590 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:49,320 probably the safest is the sword, because in duelling, 591 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:53,080 all you have to do is get the... draw first blood, as the phrase is. 592 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,840 So, you literally have to pink someone, 593 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,280 just give them a little scratch 594 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:58,520 and it's called off by the second, "Oh, you got him." 595 00:25:58,520 --> 00:25:59,840 So, there we are, duelling. 596 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,640 Now, why would you resupply your enemies with bullets 597 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,960 when they'd run out of them? How crazy is that? 598 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,120 Seems silly, doesn't it? 599 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:08,400 - Or indeed a plastic spoon! - Unless they were... 600 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,440 - Keep it fair! - ..fake bullets? - No, real bullets. 601 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,880 There's your enemy, you desperately want to defeat them, 602 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,360 they are running out of ammunition and you resupply them. 603 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:17,680 - Are they bullets which explode when...? - Sabotage? 604 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,440 - Are they sabotaged? - No. - Somebody else comes to attack us and... 605 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,040 They're good bullets. No, no, you don't make a deal with them. 606 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,840 - Is it a sense of honour? - It's something so wonderful, I think, 607 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,680 that should guide the British government 608 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,000 and its policy on a particular issue, 609 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,440 one that is very dear to me 610 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,240 and the nation who have this marvellous building 611 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,800 that I've had trouble pronouncing sometimes. 612 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:40,080 - It's in the, em...Acropolis. - LAUGHTER 613 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:44,640 - Ah, yes, that's where the... - Where the Parthenon is, yes, yes. 614 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,040 And it's the Parthenon we are discussing. 615 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:50,000 So, Greece, let's go back almost 200 years. 616 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:54,240 - Who ran Greece almost 200 years ago? - Turks? - Turks, the Ottoman Empire. 617 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:58,680 And there was a big movement to free Greece, led by Greeks, 618 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,520 but also by some Britons, notably Lord Byron, who died there. 619 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:02,680 Lord Byron, yes. 620 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:07,080 And, by 1820, they had got quite a grip on the colonialists 621 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,680 and they'd pushed them all back up the Acropolis 622 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:13,080 and there they were in the Parthenon, that wonderful building. 623 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:18,240 And...the Turks were firing and they ran out of shot. 624 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,800 Now, the original builders of the Acropolis 625 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,800 were extraordinary architects 626 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:28,800 and they joined together these 70,000 pieces of marble 627 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,840 in a magnificent way. 628 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,480 They put in sheets of lead to protect it 629 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,640 and bits of iron staple and lead 630 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,480 to keep connecting together the marble. 631 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,880 Then, in 1820, when the Ottomans were defending it, 632 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:43,880 they started to use these lead sheets 633 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,160 to melt them down to make shot and the Greeks said, 634 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,760 "We're not going to have that happen to the Parthenon!" 635 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,120 Ah, so give them bullets to stop them doing it? 636 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:54,360 To stop them destroying the building they loved so much, 637 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,920 that meant Athens to them. 638 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,000 And if that story doesn't make the British government 639 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,440 get off its arse and give back the Elgin marbles, 640 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:02,680 I don't know what will. 641 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,840 APPLAUSE 642 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:11,840 If we do that, do we have to give back everything else, as well? 643 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,920 - No! No! - Because we've got lots of stuff, haven't we? 644 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,840 That's the slippery slope fallacy, 645 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:20,080 it's the first fallacy of logic and it just doesn't play. 646 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:21,960 Anyway, yes, that's basically it. 647 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,520 I didn't give you much of a chance to come in on that, did I? 648 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:26,640 But it's a good story, it was worth telling. 649 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,240 - I like it when you're passionate on a subject. - Thank you. 650 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,600 But isn't it a wonderful story about human beings, 651 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:36,040 that even in the face of death that we revere beauty and great art 652 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:39,200 - more than ourselves? I think that's marvellous. - It is wonderful. 653 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,560 Absolutely wonderful, I agree. 654 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:45,400 Right, now, let's go to real beauty and real splendour. 655 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:48,360 Why was a pint of best in 19th-century Norfolk 656 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,400 just what the doctor ordered? 657 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:54,000 Oh. Has it got something medicinal in it? 658 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,000 It sure has. Poppies. 659 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:57,040 Heroin. 660 00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,840 Not heroin, heroin wasn't discovered... 661 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:02,720 "A pint of your heroin beer, please." 662 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:04,120 Not heroin, but opium. 663 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,040 It's no wonder Norfolk has kept to itself. 664 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,640 Heroin needs a little bit more chemical skill 665 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:10,560 than they were able to show in Fenland. 666 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:12,520 - Bit more Breaking Bad. - Yes, basically. 667 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,760 And they had been having this stuff for ages and ages and ages, 668 00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:19,160 and then, in the 19th century, laudanum became very popular. 669 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:23,200 Laudanum is a tincture of a small amount of opium with alcohol. 670 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,280 Queen Victoria loved it, and they loved it in the Fens. 671 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:29,600 And they had it with beer, so they'd have poppy stuff in their beer. 672 00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:33,200 There was a period called 'the Great Binge', and it was really from, 673 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:37,240 sort of, 1880s to the outbreak of the First World War, 674 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,040 and the banning of absinthe in France. 675 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,040 - What a time to be alive! - Yes. 676 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:44,760 And, as I say, Queen Victoria was addicted to laudanum, 677 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,320 she'd have laudanum every night. 678 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:48,240 To be wealthy and idle in the Great Binge. 679 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:49,720 Yes. It was something. 680 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:53,920 You're talking about Wetherspoons right now, aren't you? Yeah. 681 00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,680 In our time, you could get kaolin and morphine perfectly easily. 682 00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,560 Yes, supposedly to cure diarrhoea. You could also buy, in Boots, 683 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:02,240 liquid aniseed and you may say, "What's the point of that?" 684 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:04,360 It was a fabulous trick. You know catnip for cats? 685 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,640 Everyone knows how cats behave when you have catnip. 686 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,640 Dogs behave like that to liquid aniseed, 687 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,880 so you would sprinkle it on your trouser legs 688 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:14,120 and see these little old ladies being pulled along the street. 689 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:15,400 LAUGHTER 690 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,040 They'd fly after your trousers. It was quite extraordinary. 691 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:21,560 While you were completely off your head on kaolin and morphine. 692 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:25,240 - Ahh, those were the days. - JASON: Good times, good times. 693 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:28,320 - Was this a private education you were receiving? - Yes. 694 00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:31,000 And I don't recommend it. Anyway, in Fenland 695 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,760 they drank a lot of beer with their own poppies in it. 696 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:35,880 Basically, Norfolk and Lincolnshire consumed 697 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:37,640 - over five and a half tonnes a year. - Wow. 698 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:40,480 Which was, basically, more than the whole country put together. 699 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:41,560 - Wow. - Good God. - Yeah. 700 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:44,040 Do you think it hindered the development of the region? 701 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:45,480 It might have done. 702 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:49,440 It was known as "stuff" or "best" and, basically, it did destroy... 703 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:50,760 Got any stuff? 704 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:52,800 Yes. 705 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,640 In the 19th-century, being an opium addict was normal for Norfolk. 706 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,680 Nowadays, we're told that even sugar is a deadly poison. 707 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:00,960 But are sugar-free sweets good for you? 708 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,800 Oh, they give you the runs! 709 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:08,680 Honestly, if you are at all stuffed-up, 710 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:12,800 two sugar-free sweets, you'll be singing. 711 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:14,680 I don't know why. 712 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:16,120 Well, I ought to warn you that 713 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,920 - you have missed your Spend A Penny chance, that was it. - Oh. 714 00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:20,320 Because it's all about going... 715 00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:22,800 - Well, it's too late now. - Oh, yes, of course. - Never mind. 716 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:25,840 It's lycasin, which can have a mildly 717 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:28,000 or moderately laxative effect. 718 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:30,120 That's if you take a few of them. 719 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:34,360 On the Amazon page where they sell sugar-free Haribo Gummy Bears, 720 00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:37,320 it clearly warns, "May cause stomach discomfort 721 00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:39,200 "and/or a laxative effect." 722 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,800 The same page has over 250 comments. 723 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:45,080 "Stomach discomfort turns out to be a massive understatement!" 724 00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:46,680 Oh, yes. 725 00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:49,920 "Gastrointestinal Armageddon!" 726 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:54,480 "Calamitous flatulence." 727 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,200 "Trumpets calling the demons back from hell." 728 00:31:58,200 --> 00:31:59,720 GUNSHOTS 729 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:01,800 That's the noise, exactly. 730 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:05,080 - I'm just adding some noises to the story. - Yeah. 731 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:06,920 "Guttural pronouncement so loud, 732 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,200 "it threatened to drown out my own voice." 733 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,600 And "flammable liquid Napalm extruding." 734 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,240 Those are some of the milder comments. 735 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:16,920 I've never known anything like it. 736 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:20,200 I got some butterscotch sweets, and I honestly had two 737 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:23,880 and I thought it was a good way to help me lose weight, and it did. 738 00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:26,280 Absolutely. Yeah. 739 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:29,000 I once tried to figure out how many gummy bears 740 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,760 you could put into a remote-control helicopter 741 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:36,880 before you, you know, would compromise its airborne stability. 742 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:39,880 - And? - You know those little tiny ones? 743 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,040 Oh, the little, tiny, miniature ones! 744 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:44,600 The tiny miniature helicopters that can hover. 745 00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:47,680 I put one gummy bear in it as the pilot 746 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:49,920 and it crashed immediately. 747 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,360 - One! They're so... - Such a delicate aerodynamic set-up. 748 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,320 - Very delicate aerodynamics, yeah. - Wow! 749 00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:00,520 Yeah, I say I put it in the pilot seat and it went over like that, 750 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,440 whereas I should have put one on each rail 751 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,040 and then it would have been fine. 752 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:05,760 I know that now. 753 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:10,000 - But thanks for passing it on. - Yeah, no, that's fine. - Good. 754 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,760 And now for the lethal concoction of toxic misapprehension 755 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:15,600 and venomous disinformation that we call General Ignorance. 756 00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:17,520 So, fingers on buzzers, if you please. 757 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:19,560 Name a non-venomous snake. 758 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:21,520 - EXPLOSION - Yes? 759 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,040 The grass snake. 760 00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:25,040 - ALARM BELL - Oh! - What? 761 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:28,280 We thought you might say that. 762 00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:30,200 Well, clearly! 763 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:34,080 Somebody's very quick on the typing, otherwise. 764 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,320 Are they all venomous but just not very? 765 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:38,560 Yes. All snakes are venomous. 766 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:42,160 A recent discovery by a man you know you can trust because of his name, 767 00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:46,160 he's called Professor Brian Fry, of the University... 768 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:47,520 No, he isn't. 769 00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:49,800 - AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - University of Queensland. 770 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:50,880 And in 2013, 771 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:55,000 he showed that even snakes that kill by constriction have venom in them 772 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,720 and it's been re-purposed to create a sort of lubricant 773 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,840 to help swallow the huge things that constrictors swallow. 774 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:04,240 But it still contains small quantities of venom. Fry comments... 775 00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:06,400 "Fry comments," I find that very odd, saying that. 776 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,680 Their toxins are the equivalent of a kiwi's wing 777 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:10,880 or the sightless eyes of a blind cavefish - 778 00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,240 defunct remnants of a functional past. 779 00:34:13,240 --> 00:34:16,080 And he showed that the world's largest lizard, which is...? 780 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:17,280 - Komodo dragon. - Komodo. 781 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:19,560 The Komodo dragon, yes, kills its prey with venom, 782 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,760 which we all thought beforehand that it was killed with sort of bacteria, 783 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,280 that it just basically bit it and it had such disgusting slobber 784 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:28,280 that the thing caught infections. 785 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:30,880 - Yeah, but they actually envenomate. - It seems so, yeah. 786 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:33,440 The small fangs at the rear of a grass snake's mouth 787 00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,520 do actually spit out at you and they'll hiss and they'll strike, 788 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:38,560 and you will get a small itchy infection. 789 00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:40,320 - Envenomation, as you say. - Right. 790 00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:41,600 So, there you are. 791 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:44,400 That's weird and surprising, there are no non-venomous snakes. 792 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:45,760 They all have venom glands. 793 00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:48,920 How fast was the fastest mass extinction? 794 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:52,000 - How many years? I'll give you... - EXPLOSION 795 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:53,960 The Liberal Democrats! 796 00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:55,360 LAUGHTER 797 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,960 APPLAUSE 798 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,840 - So, about two weeks, then? - Two weeks! Ukip. 799 00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:08,840 Ukip are like Top Gear for people that don't like cars. 800 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,920 LAUGHTER 801 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,520 - That's very good. - Thousands? Are we talking thousands? 802 00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:16,640 - Thousands of years. - Thousands? Oh. - Yes, thousands. 803 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:21,640 It happened 252 million years ago, the ending of the Permian period. 804 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:25,080 It's known as The Great Dying. Sounds rather Star Trek, doesn't it? 805 00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,760 - The Great Dying. - So, what? Sort of 5,000 years? 806 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,320 60,000 years. Three score thousand years. 807 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:32,920 But there have been about three of these mass extinctions? 808 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:35,480 Five. Well, yeah, supposedly we're in the sixth. 809 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:36,880 We are in one at the moment. 810 00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:38,600 I mean, forget global warming, 811 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,920 just simply by the way we're destroying habitats. 812 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:43,000 Either eating them or running them over. 813 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:46,280 Or simply just competing for space and not giving... 814 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:49,480 You know, monocultures and biodiversity. 815 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,640 But it's a staggering number a day, isn't it? 816 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,640 A huge number day. It's horrifying. 817 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:56,440 Now, Alan, would you take a bullet for me? 818 00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:58,000 Yes, Stephen, of course. 819 00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,480 Aw, thank you. Very good. 820 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:01,440 LAUGHTER 821 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,520 ALARMS BELLS Wow! 822 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:08,800 - Sorry, no. No, I wouldn't. - No, no. 823 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:11,000 No, you wouldn't, because you couldn't. 824 00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:13,480 I mean, that's to say, in the standard way it's done, 825 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:15,000 the "No-o-o-o!" 826 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:17,840 The diving in front of someone, you can't take a bullet for someone. 827 00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:20,120 Well, you'd have to anticipate, I presume. 828 00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:22,360 You'd have to anticipate in such an incredible way. 829 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:25,480 - Accidental, you know, act of... - Accidental, it would. 830 00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,000 Because, of course, a bullet goes at 1,000 feet per second. 831 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,560 That's from a hand gun. 700mph that is. 832 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:32,200 Did you know...? I read this. 833 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:34,240 You might like this because you like cricket. 834 00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:36,000 They've stopped using bowling machines 835 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,640 because they've discovered that it doesn't help you at all, 836 00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:40,680 that the people who are very good at batting 837 00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:42,840 have worked it out before the ball is released 838 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:45,480 by the shape and the angle of the arm of the bowler. 839 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,000 Their anticipation is that much quicker, 840 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,160 so it's actually of no use to you to practise with a machine, 841 00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,600 you must practise with people, so you're trained... 842 00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:56,000 - Trained to see the arm. - Seeing the person coming at you 843 00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,720 - over and over and over. - So, the notion that the Secret Service 844 00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:01,760 are going to throw themselves in front of the President is just silly? 845 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:04,680 Well, it has happened. It happened in the case of John Hinckley 846 00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,520 who had a pop at Ronald Reagan in 1981. 847 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,080 - No-o-o! - That's it, exactly. It has to... 848 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:12,400 This is how I would do it. I wouldn't use my head. 849 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:13,600 No, very sensible. 850 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:15,360 - I'd use my arse. - Your arse, yeah. 851 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,160 Or my leg. 852 00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:20,080 Yeah. Yeah, I would use, I would use that. 853 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:23,480 - I would use Bill. - Yeah. 854 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,160 I'd get it out for you, Alan. 855 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:30,800 - I'm taking that bag home with me! - A supplementary question, 856 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:33,200 why do people fall over when they've been shot? 857 00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:34,800 Because they've just been shot. 858 00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:38,480 ALARM BELLS 859 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:40,120 Aww! 860 00:37:46,720 --> 00:37:48,960 No, is the answer. 861 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:50,600 Shock. 862 00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:52,280 Cos they're dead? 863 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,680 - A dead person would fall over, obviously. - Eventually. 864 00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:56,320 Whether they'd been shot in any way... 865 00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,800 Is it not the speed, like, the speed and the impact, no? 866 00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:00,720 No, none of those things will knock you over. 867 00:38:00,720 --> 00:38:03,120 - ALARM BELLS - What? 868 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:04,600 Unbelievable. 869 00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,280 "The impact!" 870 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:08,080 What a band. 871 00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:10,720 I banged my head on the fireplace the other day and I fell over. 872 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,160 - That would do it. - Wait, wait, is this a lavatory question? 873 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,120 No, we've already had one. 874 00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:18,080 - Oh, no, I don't know. - Because they've seen it done in movies. - Really? 875 00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:21,280 So, in the Wild West, when they had a shoot-out 876 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,560 and cos they'd never seen a cowboy film, 877 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:25,280 people just carried on standing. 878 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:28,120 - Most people when they're shot don't know they've been shot. - Right. 879 00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:31,840 We have it on the authority of the FBI Academy Firearms Training Unit 880 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:34,320 that people generally do fall down when shot, 881 00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:35,920 but only when they know they have. 882 00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:37,040 - That's the point. - Right. 883 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:39,280 Regardless of bullet calibre or where they're hit, 884 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:42,320 people who've been shot and don't know it yet don't fall over. 885 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,160 Unless you were shot and your leg was shot off, and then you would... 886 00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:47,520 If it was shot off, you would naturally, yeah. Exactly. 887 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:50,280 There are circumstances in which you can fall over. 888 00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,120 But books, films and TV have educated us 889 00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,880 - that we are supposed to fall down, that's why. - Right. 890 00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:57,080 Now, is it wrong to eat people? 891 00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:01,600 - Oh! - I think it's wrong... 892 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:04,840 - Undergraduate philosophy class, this, isn't it? - Yes, isn't it, yeah. 893 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:06,960 It depends on the circumstances. 894 00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:10,200 It would not have been wrong to eat Hitler, I would argue. 895 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:14,640 I think it's wrong to eat this one. 896 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:16,640 - Yeah. - Unless that's Hitler. - Yeah. 897 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:19,160 Ah, well, yeah. That's a very good ethical point. 898 00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,640 Are you saying there are some circumstances where...? 899 00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,080 - Well, cannibalism is not illegal in Britain. - Is it not? 900 00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:26,320 Murder is, so to kill someone in order to eat them 901 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:29,800 - is obviously illegal. - It is frowned upon. Dealt with by magistrates. 902 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:33,040 - If I had to lose a liver, I mean, sorry, not a liver... - A kidney. 903 00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:36,000 - A kidney, yeah. - Don't lose your liver. - How many livers have you got? 904 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,640 A liver transplant, maybe. I might give my old liver to someone 905 00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:41,280 and say, "By all means fry it up with some onions if you want to." 906 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,280 - Oh, wow. - Well, you can eat placenta, can't you? 907 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:46,120 - Placenta is commonly fried after, yeah. - Yes. - Absolutely. 908 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:48,360 There's a special fork that, for cannibalism, 909 00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:49,840 there's a three-pronged fork 910 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,280 and I've always thought that if you saw one laid on a table 911 00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:54,120 when you'd been invited, it probably... 912 00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:56,200 - That's the time to move away. - Yeah. 913 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:58,400 - So, it's technically not illegal to eat anyone? - No. 914 00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:01,240 And so, if you were to, you know, at a funeral, 915 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:03,240 just have a little nibble of a toe or something. 916 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:07,040 Well, you'd definitely need permission. As with anything. 917 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:11,240 Why hasn't anyone started, you know, in times of a recession, going, 918 00:40:11,240 --> 00:40:14,920 "Do you know what? I hardly walk anyway, so..." 919 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:16,120 Absolutely. 920 00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,880 "Just have the left one." 921 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,480 There are people in the recession who hardly walk! 922 00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:24,920 That's a bad one, isn't it? 923 00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:26,400 That is a really bad recession. 924 00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:28,280 Can't even walk now. 925 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:30,600 In Germany, in 2003, you may remember that case, 926 00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:33,120 there was a computer technician called Armin Meiwes... 927 00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:36,240 - Oh, that's right, yes. - ..who conspired, as you might say, 928 00:40:36,240 --> 00:40:39,160 with a fellow engineer called Bernd Brandes 929 00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:41,040 to sit down and eat with him. 930 00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:44,600 Armin Meiwes cut off the penis of Bernd Brandes with his permission 931 00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,040 and sat down to eat it with him. 932 00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:48,360 He then stabbed him and froze the corpse to eat later. 933 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,120 Brandes gave him explicit permission for the whole scenario. 934 00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,400 He originally asked Meiwes to bite off his penis. 935 00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:56,520 This proved difficult. Meiwes had to use a knife. 936 00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,200 He then tried to eat his own severed penis raw. 937 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,920 - Oh, not raw! - Yeah. 938 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:02,480 - Oh! - He found it too chewy. 939 00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:04,480 LAUGHTER 940 00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:09,640 - Have you had it cooked? - Oh, the danger of infection from that! 941 00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:12,400 I mean, really. "Oh, this is... No, this is raw." 942 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:16,880 - "Give it another five on the grill." - Yeah. 943 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:20,040 They fried it in salt, pepper, wine and garlic. 944 00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:21,600 - Oh, that's all right, then. - Yeah. 945 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:23,840 - "Little bit of curry powder on that?" - They tasted it 946 00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:26,120 and agreed it was overdone, so fed it to the dog. 947 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:28,520 He then killed Brandes and hung his body on a meat hook 948 00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:30,640 and proceeded to eat it over the next ten months. 949 00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:32,880 He was found guilty of a sort of killing on demand, 950 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:35,040 but was retried and convicted of murder. 951 00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:39,040 - Did he go to prison, or to some secure location? - I don't know. 952 00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:42,360 He was locked in a Happy Eater for the rest of his life. 953 00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:44,080 LAUGHTER 954 00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,480 According to the law, eating people, or bits of people, is not wrong. 955 00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:51,960 Which brings me to the grisly business of the final scores, 956 00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:54,160 and how interesting they are. 957 00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:57,920 Way out... Well, not way out, but slightly last, 958 00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:01,680 I'm sorry to say, with minus 19, is Jason Manford. 959 00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:04,560 APPLAUSE 960 00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:11,960 Trailing clouds of glory in a very respectable third place, 961 00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:14,320 - would you believe it, Alan Davies! - Thank you very much. 962 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:16,320 APPLAUSE 963 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:19,920 Second, with minus eight, Bill Bailey. 964 00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:21,880 Minus eight. 965 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:23,920 APPLAUSE 966 00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:28,320 Which can only mean that the winner is our token Dane, 967 00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:30,160 with plus six, Sandi Toksvig. 968 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,480 APPLAUSE 969 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,280 And, with that, it's a big thank you and good night 970 00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:42,960 from Sandi, Jason, Bill, Alan and me. 971 00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:46,280 And we leave you with the last words of the poet Richard Savage, 972 00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:47,960 who died in 1743. 973 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:51,120 "I have something to say to you, sir... 974 00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:52,680 "No, 'tis gone." 975 00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:54,920 Good night. 976 00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:56,840 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING