1 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:31,600 Good evening, 2 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,080 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,880 good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, the show that tickles 4 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,640 the armpit of tedium with the feather duster of interestingness. 5 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,520 Tonight, we're taking a lingering look at love. 6 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,840 My guests are the lovely Josh Widdicombe... 7 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,000 ..that love machine, Tony Hawks... 8 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,520 ..the best beloved, Aisling Bea... 9 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:08,480 ..and a complete luvvy, Alan Davies. 10 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:16,480 So, let's hear their love calls. Josh goes... 11 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:18,760 - Oh, is that my buzzer? - Yes. - Oh, I thought... 12 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,800 You can give another love call if you want. 13 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:26,680 I thought I was going to have to get my phone out. 14 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,000 What am I wearing? Erm... 15 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,040 LOVE IS ALL AROUND PLAYS 16 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,480 Oh! Aisling goes... 17 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,360 LOVE AND MARRIAGE PLAYS 18 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,600 - Ah. Frank Sinatra. - Yeah, bit negative. - Tony goes... 19 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,080 LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS 20 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,880 Oh, yes. And Alan goes... 21 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,200 I LIKE IT PLAYS 22 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,600 Wonderful. 23 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:55,680 # I like the way you run your fingers through my hair... # 24 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,400 It wouldn't be possible to run one's fingers through your hair, 25 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,680 without there being some awful rending noise. 26 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,160 - Yeah, an alarm goes off. - Yes. 27 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,760 I ought to tell you, though, because it's the L series, 28 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,760 there is the likelihood of one question being lavatorial. 29 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,760 And if it is, you can spend a penny. 30 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:15,840 TOILET FLUSHES 31 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:18,400 Very good. And if you correctly spend your penny, 32 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,120 when I ask the question, you get extra points. It's that simple. 33 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,960 Right, to get you in the mood, here are some foods for you to try. 34 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,720 - You should have some on your little prop tables. - Ooh. 35 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,600 You've got chocolates there, Josh. You've got a potato, Alan. 36 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,840 - Hot damn. - What have you got, Tony? - Well, I don't... 37 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,520 - Oh, champagne. - It looks like champagne. It could be anything. 38 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,080 Probably cava, knowing our budget. 39 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,560 You could have had a wee in here, all of you, for all I know. 40 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,760 You wouldn't want it to fizz, though, would you? 41 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,160 No, you wouldn't, mate. 42 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,960 You put your finger on top to stop it overflowing. 43 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,600 That's what I always do on the loo. 44 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,560 - Yes, it is. - It is? I hope it's fresh. 45 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,440 - I think it's fresh if you want to eat it. - I hope it's fresh, as well. 46 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,040 - You could drop it in the champagne. It's delicious. - I love... 47 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,280 - Am I allowed? - I'm allergic to champagne, literally. 48 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,640 - Are you? - Yeah. I can't drink it. 49 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,120 Oh, darling, it must be simply terrible for you. 50 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,840 It's not, actually. 51 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,000 Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said 52 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,920 the four most overrated things in the world are lobster, champagne, 53 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,720 anal sex and picnics. 54 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,040 But we don't like champagne. 55 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,240 What a night that would be. 56 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,960 Come on, they're all daytime ones. 57 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,960 Anyway, so, by all means, eat yours. 58 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,200 But what do you think they have to do with our theme? 59 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,880 - Chocolate... - They're sexy foods. 60 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,800 - Yes. - They're aphrodisiacs. - Aphrodisiacs. 61 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,680 They're considered to be aphrodisiacs. 62 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,520 Oysters have long been considered it. 63 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,760 - Potato? - Yes, Alan, a thousand times yes. 64 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,240 You can go on a date, of course, with two potatoes and a carrot, 65 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:52,240 and lay them out on the desk or the table in a very erotic way, 66 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,160 and tantalise people. 67 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,800 That's true. Two potatoes and a carrot. 68 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,200 Are you single, Tony, or are you...? 69 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,120 At what point in the date do you pull out the potatoes? 70 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:06,400 - Where's the desk? - Well, the desk, I admit that the desk on the date, 71 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,440 the date's going badly wrong. 72 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,600 Well, do have a piece of chocolate. Do sip your champagne. 73 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:16,360 - And do, by all means, have your oyster. - I mean, I do love oysters, 74 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:21,080 but one time I did get poisoning on Valentine's Day... 75 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,480 - On Valentine's Day, as well? - Oh! 76 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,280 - Oh, no, are you eating your potato raw? - Is that allowed? 77 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,880 Oh, oh. 78 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,640 OK, here she goes, here she goes, oyster down. 79 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,720 - It's bigger than I'm used to. - Hey. 80 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,040 - How is it? - Very nice. 81 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,000 I'm definitely going to tape this episode, I can tell you that. 82 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,280 - Try your chocolate. - Oh, they're very nice. 83 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,920 - It might have rose petals or violets. - Are you all right, Alan? 84 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,280 I feel horny. 85 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,000 Look out, Josh! 86 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,320 It's worked. Bloody hell, two bites! 87 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,360 Well, the reason that potatoes were considered to be aphrodisiac, 88 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,680 at one point in history, this may be something Aisling knows, 89 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:11,160 is that when they were introduced to Ireland as a major crop, 90 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:14,920 the population of Ireland increased a huge amount, but it was simply 91 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,600 because there was less starvation than there had been before. 92 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,240 Though, as we know, there was then the terrible potato blight, 93 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,960 and the population reduced. 94 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,640 - Oh, you had to bring it up. - I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. 95 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,080 It was a bad moment in Irish history, a bad moment. 96 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,040 It's fine, it's fine. I'm nearly over it. 97 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:34,120 There's still more guilt to be got out of it from us. 98 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,680 Carbs are the last thing you'd want before sex, aren't they? 99 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,680 - Make you feel heavy, you would think. - Yeah. 100 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,320 It depends how long you want to go on for, Josh. 101 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,400 Do you have slow release? Porridge. 102 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,840 - Slow release! Oh, dear. - About an hour and a half. 103 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:51,040 Oh, I didn't mean it like that, Stephen! 104 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:56,400 Oh! I'm going to have a chocolate and stop lowering the tone, I think. 105 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,440 The fact is, if you go online, not that this is the most authoritative 106 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,800 way of finding out, but almost any food that you put next to the word 107 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,800 aphrodisiac in a search field, will return a result of some kind. 108 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,480 There seems to be no food in history 109 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,880 that hasn't been regarded at some time as aphrodisiac. 110 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,120 There's a wonderful book 111 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,400 called Venus In The Kitchen by Norman Douglas, 112 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,720 which includes such things almond soup 113 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,560 and sow's vulva and trussed crane - 114 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,720 all kinds of extraordinary dishes, most of which are classical. 115 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,360 Can we go back to the second one? 116 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,200 - Sow's vulva. - Sow's vulva? 117 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,680 It begins with the wonderful words, "Take that part of the pig." 118 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,840 Which you ask your butcher, I assume, to cut. 119 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:34,280 Imagine going into the butcher, 120 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,440 "Hiya, can I get a pound of mince 121 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,520 and some sow's vulva. 122 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,840 "Big night, I think he's going to propose." 123 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:45,960 "I'm sorry, it usually comes in on a Thursday, I'm fresh out." 124 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,000 If you're making someone eat that, 125 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,760 they don't want to have sex with you. 126 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,680 Well, I agree, it's pretty much enforced, isn't it? 127 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,920 Any other vulvas? 128 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,120 - Very good point. - Just the sow's vulva that's a good... 129 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,000 - It seems to be, yeah. - Do any other animals have a vulva? 130 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,560 - Well, all mammals, I would hope. - Do they? 131 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,640 Well, not all mammals, not egg-laying mammals. 132 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,040 - But just about any other kind. - Do they? 133 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,760 I don't really know what a vulva is, to be honest. 134 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:17,720 - It's a Swedish car, Stephen. - Oh, it's Swedish car! 135 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,440 It's a Swedish car that's due for a cervix. 136 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,400 - But it's all nonsense, isn't it? - No, they exist. 137 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,720 - You mean, aphrodisiacs? - Aphrodisiacs, I think... 138 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,320 - it's all a myth, isn't it? It's all nonsense. - It seems to be. 139 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,960 I don't think there's any way of proving. It's so hard to prove. 140 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,480 If I understand correctly, it's about the brain, sex. 141 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:43,680 Yeah, yeah. 142 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:49,360 The limbic lobe in the brain sends a message to your pelvic area. 143 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,880 - Yeah. - Sometimes by carrier pigeon. 144 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,080 - And these foods, they don't affect that part of the brain. - No. 145 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,600 You're quite the sexy talker, though, aren't you? 146 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,360 Is this your opening line before you take out the potatoes and carrot? 147 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,120 I'm not giving any trade secrets away here tonight. 148 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,120 So you say, "Daphne, my limbic system is sending me messages." 149 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,280 Yeah, I think most people would agree that a lack of inhibition 150 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,840 hurries one toward the bedroom, 151 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,120 and alcohol, naturally, is something that would... 152 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,160 But it doesn't enhance the performance. 153 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,000 Shakespeare makes that very point through the porter in Macbeth. 154 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,000 Does he? I don't care. 155 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:28,480 - It increases the desire, but it mars the performance. - Yes. 156 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,960 The fact is, there is no proof that, as Tony rightly said, 157 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,480 that, except possibly the alcohol as a disinhibitor... 158 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,320 Galen, the Roman doctor, thought that any food that produced 159 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,320 flatulence was in some way an aphrodisiac. 160 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,720 This was believed until the 18th century, 161 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,720 when they thought the opposite. In Elizabethan times, stewed prunes 162 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,760 were so highly regarded as aphrodisiacs, 163 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,760 they were served for free in brothels. 164 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,520 You'd get them to get you up there. 165 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,240 - And beans... - What, like outside? 166 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,920 Like outside Starbucks? On a taster plate? 167 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,160 That's right. Have your prunes. 168 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,000 St Jerome forbade beans, 169 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:03,600 because he thought that they would make nuns or women extremely horny. 170 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,800 - Nuns or women? - They excited the... 171 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,280 Who knows what's under there? 172 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,160 They excited the genitals of women, he thought. 173 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,080 Frog juice, putting a frog in a blender, is... 174 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,160 ..considered a Peruvian aphrodisiac. 175 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,320 - Do they have blenders? Not now. - They do now. 176 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,400 I assume, when they first thought of it, they didn't have blenders. 177 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,600 The Incans were very, very advanced, though. 178 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,120 - They probably used... - A pestle and mortar. - Yeah. 179 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:37,360 Do any of the active ingredients in Viagra occur naturally? 180 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:42,240 - Good point. I like that. - Whoa, cool. 181 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,880 That would be interesting to know. 182 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,640 Why? Are you worried about what that potato's done to you? 183 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:49,760 No, I'm fine. 184 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,040 How long does it last? 185 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,960 Well, there you are. Almost everything in the history of food 186 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:59,280 has been reputed to be an aphrodisiac, even potatoes. 187 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,920 What wouldn't you like to get on Valentine's Day? 188 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,200 Chlamydia. 189 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,160 A perfectly reasonable response. 190 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,880 Is that what of VD stands for? Valentine's Day? 191 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,640 Never occurred to me, that's brilliant, 192 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,920 This is probably... A few people have had this... 193 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,120 which is the most tragic thing you can get on Valentine's day 194 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,120 is the card from your mum. 195 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,640 - Oh, yes. - Or from my nan, in my case. 196 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,920 - Both! One from my mum, one from my nan. - That's sweet, though. 197 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,320 But it's better... 198 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,800 than a one-way ticket to New Zealand. 199 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,520 - That would be... - That would be a hint too far. 200 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,560 I once got on a... I'd just split up with my girlfriend 201 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:48,880 and it was my birthday and my family don't really do birthdays much, 202 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:52,800 but her family did, so I received one birthday card, 203 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,840 which was from my ex-girlfriend's mum. 204 00:10:55,840 --> 00:11:00,200 - Oh, my goodness. - Oh, Josh. - And I've just realised how bleak that is. 205 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,840 Thought that was an amusing anecdote, 206 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:05,120 turns out it's actually the bleakest moment of my life. 207 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,920 We're all very sorry for you. 208 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:10,320 Can anyone tell me why on the Valentine's Day cards 209 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,320 you're not supposed to admit that you've sent it? 210 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,800 Cos that's the most pointless thing, isn't it? 211 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,880 You send... You get a card from someone, 212 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,160 you want to know who it is, 213 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,920 so you can go round and sort them out, don't you? 214 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,000 - "Sort them out?" - JOSH: Who are you? Ray Winstone? 215 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,880 - "Sort them out." - ..to your office. 216 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,800 - Take them to your office... - Show them... - Show them the desk. 217 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,680 - Get your carrot out. - Get the carrot and potatoes. 218 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:38,080 Go via the greengrocer to pick up your vegetables. 219 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,680 We've had a window into your life, Tony, that's weird. 220 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:45,360 The really high watermark of Valentine card sending 221 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:49,400 was a 50-year period from 1840 to 1890, 222 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,040 when Victorians sent each other Valentine's cards 223 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,920 on Valentine's Day, but they didn't just send love letters. 224 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,760 They sent, what you might almost call hate mail, 225 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,160 but they were known as vinegar valentines. 226 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,600 And there's... I don't know what... 227 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,480 Basically saying, "You are bald and smelly. 228 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,880 "You're not very good at DIY." 229 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,360 - JOSH: - You shouldn't have cut through that wire. 230 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,160 Not surprisingly, they're quite rare, 231 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,920 because people who received them tended to throw them away, 232 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,720 so people who collect cards value them very highly. 233 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:24,000 What did they expect to sort of get back? 234 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,640 They think, "This is really going to help the situation." 235 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,680 I'm afraid, it's the same human instinct that is about trolling - 236 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:33,280 accused of being drunk, ugly, overweight, stuck up, 237 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,840 all the things that trollers accuse people of. 238 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,600 Also, they accuse grocers of cheating their customers 239 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,560 and things like that. And very often they didn't put stamps on, 240 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,520 so that the recipient had to pay the stamp. 241 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,880 "Oh, what a lovely Valentine's card," 242 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:50,000 and then they open it and it's a huge insult. I mean, it's very mean. 243 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,920 But we do have, I'm glad to say, this is not really a vinegar, 244 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,360 but it's a rather charming one, this is one with a moustache. 245 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:01,440 - This is in York Museum. - Not any more, it isn't. 246 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,720 Well, yeah, good point. 247 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:07,840 It's from York Castle Museum and it's got a moustache and it says, 248 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,200 "With heartiest greetings 249 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,720 "and best hopes that she'll soon get another..." 250 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,320 that's a moustache, "..with a man attached." 251 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,400 Bit of a joker, this guy. 252 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,360 Yeah, I mean, cos sending locks of hair through the post 253 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,680 is a sign of love. 254 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:25,640 It's a very old thing, but to send a moustache is quite something, 255 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,800 isn't it? And the little joke of... 256 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,840 You probably know who it was who sent it, 257 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,040 because he'd be going around with no moustache on. 258 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,120 "That wasn't me." 259 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,720 If you kidnapped a man with a moustache... 260 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:41,240 - Yes? - You know, then you'd send the moustache to show that you've got... 261 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:46,240 That's true! It's kinder than sending an ear. 262 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,960 "Recognise this moustache?" 263 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,480 Salvador Dali's wife is, like, "No!" 264 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,840 Well, that's what a vinegar Valentine was. 265 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,280 From love letters to l'amour. 266 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,880 Who did Napoleon's ex go out with next? 267 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,640 Are we talking about Josephine? 268 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,880 Well, yes, we are, but not the Empress Josephine. 269 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,600 Oddly enough, he seemed to have a predilection for Josephines. 270 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,760 Well, he had two mistresses, one was called Josephina and one was called 271 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,360 Josephine, neither of whom was the Empress Josephine. 272 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,880 There they are. 273 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,560 There was Josephina Grassini, who was a beautiful dancer, 274 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,320 opera singer, opera dancer they used to be called. 275 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,680 And Josephine Weimer, an actress. 276 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,200 So they were both very beautiful. 277 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,400 She looks like she's doing the Single Ladies dance. 278 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,160 Like she's, "Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh." 279 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:35,640 She's showing how tall Napoleon is, that's what she's doing. 280 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,560 "I want one this high." 281 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,960 But these, as I say, were different Josephines, they were later ones. 282 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,040 Just before the Battle of Waterloo, 283 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,200 who was the British Ambassador in Paris? 284 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,520 - British Ambassador... - I'll leave this one to you, Alan. 285 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:57,440 - Before Napoleon escaped. - Hang on. There was Schniesberkin, Wilson... 286 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,680 It's kind of easier than you think. 287 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,080 He was the victor of Peninsular 288 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,880 and he'd beaten Napoleon before and he was about to beat him again. 289 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:07,240 - It's not Wellington, is it? - It's the Duke of Wellington himself. 290 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,560 And there's Old Hooky on the right, and there's Napoleon on the left. 291 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,200 And, yeah, Wellington really knew how to rub it in 292 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,280 when he beat someone, as it were. 293 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,360 - That sounds terrible. - Oh, did he go out with...? 294 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:19,680 Yeah, he went out with both of these mistresses. 295 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,320 He seduced both during his stay in Paris as Ambassador in 1814 296 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,760 and 1815, just before Waterloo, before the escape of Napoleon, 297 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,480 while Napoleon was in Elba, having abdicated, if you remember. 298 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:32,480 "Able was I ere I saw Elba." 299 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,840 - What's odd about that phrase? - It's a palindrome, isn't it? 300 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,240 - Yeah, that's right, exactly. - Yes. - It's a palindrome. 301 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,560 It's actually a palindrome, guys, so... 302 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,320 And Weimer was the only one who compared the two in bed, 303 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,920 which is extremely unkind of her. 304 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,960 She said, "Monsieur le Duc etait de beaucoup plus fort," 305 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,880 is a lot stronger in bed. 306 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:58,800 Fort is fiercer, stronger, mightier. Yeah, better, basically. 307 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,600 Was there a Mrs Wellington back home who was a bit fed up about this? 308 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:03,920 The Duchess, yeah. 309 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,400 Yeah, she must have been, you know, unimpressed, I'd say. 310 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,520 Well, he famously did have a lot of affairs. 311 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,880 There were so many potatoes around in those days. 312 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,520 - There's no doubt that they were up to it. - That's right. 313 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,680 And after the wars ended, he was presented with Napoleon's sword, 314 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,760 three paintings of him and the painting of his sister, 315 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:24,080 Pauline Borghese, there she is, that's Napoleon's sister, 316 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,680 there with a nipple showing. 317 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,800 She's got something keeping her chin on as well. 318 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:32,760 Yes, she has. It's keeping her mouth from falling open. Exactly. 319 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,320 I think it's a mask. It's clearly some sort of a face mask, 320 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,640 like it's got a bit of elastic round the back. 321 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,760 Well, Napoleon had commissioned a statue of himself, 11 foot tall, 322 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,160 basically twice the height of himself. 323 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,200 And this was...this was bought by the British Government 324 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,840 and given to Wellington, along with the house they gave him. 325 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,920 Do you remember what it's called? 326 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,800 - Oh, Number One, London. - Number One, London, Apsley House. 327 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,760 - Oh, wow. - Oh, good house. - And it really works. 328 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,840 If you get into a cab and say Number One, London, the cabbie will go, 329 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,200 "I've always wanted someone to say that." And they will take you there. 330 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,600 Is that supposed to be the sculpture of Napoleon? 331 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,800 That is it. I know, it's somewhat idealised, to say the least. 332 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,000 - Oh, God. - In the stairwell of Apsley House, as it's also called. 333 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,160 - Where is Number One, London, then? - It's at Hyde Park Corner. 334 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,680 It's easier to spot in real life, 335 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,640 because there isn't a bloody great big picture in front of it. 336 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,800 - That's true. - And is the Duke of Wellington beef Wellington man? 337 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,160 - Yes, it is named after him. - Interesting. - And the boots. 338 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,200 And the boots, as well. 339 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,640 A lot of military figures had clothing named after them, 340 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,160 particularly in the Crimean War. 341 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,880 There was Lord Cardigan, who was in charge of the Light Brigade. 342 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,280 - Balaclava! - The Balaclava helmet, absolutely. And... 343 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,680 - The jodhpur. - Jodhpur is a place, I think. But Raglan was also... 344 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,040 - Dr Martin. - Raglan... 345 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,920 - The raglan sleeve. - Lord Bobble Hat. 346 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:49,880 - Colonel Stiletto. - Earl of Sandwich. Have we done him? 347 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,320 - Colonel Scarf. - Old Jock Strap. 348 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,280 - The Earl of Head and Shoulders. - Lieutenant Washing Machine. 349 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,840 Well, there were a lot, a few. So, good. 350 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,480 The Duke of Wellington's conquests included Napoleon 351 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,480 and no fewer than two of his exes. 352 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,760 Who would bite their arm off to get their leg over? 353 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,760 LOVE IS ALL AROUND PLAYS 354 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,600 Yes, Josh? 355 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,960 You! 356 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,080 - KLAXON BLARES - Oh, dear. 357 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,200 Even if we hadn't got that one ready, 358 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,200 you'd already reveal what a sad act you are 359 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,760 and we would have tagged it on. 360 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,960 - This must be from the animal kingdom. - It is from the animal kingdom. 361 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,640 And what type of animals usually have to suffer in order to 362 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,880 give their seed, as it were? 363 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,280 - Spiders are usually... - Spiders is the right answer. - Oh! Look at that. 364 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,320 There's a particular kind of spider... 365 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,600 There's the female on the left and there's the male on the right. 366 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,240 That's a neat packet there, isn't it? 367 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:51,240 - He's going to have a Napoleon complex, isn't he? - He really is. 368 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,000 Have you seen that picture of Bernie Ecclestone and his ex-wife? 369 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,720 It's a bit like that? 370 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,000 He's said to his mates... His mates have said, 371 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,800 "No, don't bother, she's too big for you." 372 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,760 He's going, "No, I can get her, you watch, you watch. 373 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,160 "She's no problem at all, mate." 374 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:11,280 He actually... He won't let her wear heels on a night out, will he? 375 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,080 She is a hundred times bigger. 376 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,680 And if we see him close up, you might notice... 377 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,280 He's Tom Cruise. 378 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,640 It's quite hard to see, but the front two, 379 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,400 the left one is curled inwards a bit, 380 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,360 but the right one is straight up, are actually penis legs. 381 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,880 - Oh, no. - What? 382 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,880 He has eight legs like any spider, but the front two are penises 383 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,960 and are charged with his seed. 384 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,960 I've got a couple of them down under here. 385 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,120 The old penis leg there. 386 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,840 They're called pedipalps. 387 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:44,400 And the thing he does, in order to get a better chance of shagging that 388 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:50,760 enormous female, is he actually spins some silk and ties it round 389 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:56,080 one of his penis legs and pulls, so that it basically pulls it off. 390 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,640 So he actually tears it off. 391 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,120 If he pulls it off, there's no point in having sex with her. 392 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:01,960 - No, there's one left. - Oh. 393 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:05,280 And it gives him a speed advantage. So he's much, much quicker. 394 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,840 So he can scuttle after her. 395 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,280 It all seems a most complicated life cycle. 396 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,520 The oddest procedure, but it's honestly true, 397 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,760 it's the male tent cobweb spider. 398 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,760 So the males that do this are 44% faster 399 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,960 than ones who've kept both their penis legs. 400 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,200 But even then, when they get the female, which is their reward, 401 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,640 the female then will suck them dry and discard them. 402 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,720 - Yeah, which... - Oh, isn't that just the way with women? 403 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,960 Yes, I know, poor you. 404 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,720 You deserve it, you're all bastards. Ha-ha-ha-ha. 405 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,080 Her mum sends him a card. 406 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,360 - Is the human equivalent of this...? - Katie Price. - No. 407 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,560 - The octopus has a penis arm. Didn't we have that once? - Yes, that's right. 408 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:47,920 Completely correct. 409 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,080 I read that the eight legs of the octopus all function independently 410 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,680 and they don't know what the other ones are doing. 411 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:55,000 - Isn't that weird? - Yeah. 412 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:59,320 The only thing in the world that an octopus sucker won't stick to 413 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:03,560 - is an octopus leg. Which is why they don't get all tangled up. - Yeah. 414 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,880 - I know things about octopuses. - You do. You do. 415 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:10,160 Researchers tested the tent cobweb spider, rather meanly, 416 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,720 by chasing them, some intact, some not, round a little running track, 417 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,040 to see how long they lasted, 418 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,840 and the spiders with intact sex organs lasted 16 minutes on average, 419 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:22,240 but the spiders that had snapped one off, or snipped one off, 420 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,920 lasted up to 28 minutes, so it is a big advantage. 421 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,680 Once you've mated, of course, you have to bring up the children. 422 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:32,120 To that end, what are the advantages of having a goat as a nanny? 423 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,600 LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS 424 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:39,240 - Tony? - I think it's because they've got hooves. 425 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,160 And if you had a nanny that had hooves, 426 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:43,920 they couldn't sneak up on you. 427 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,640 Well, that's true. 428 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,680 The fact is nanny goats are called nanny goats 429 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:50,920 for a dashed good reason. 430 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,840 In the days of foundlings, who were left on church doors, 431 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,200 if you left a baby on a church steps, it was a foundling 432 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,840 and it was therefore thrown on mercy of the parish. 433 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,720 And it had to be fed, and of course there was no such thing as SMA 434 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,760 or Cow And Gate, or anything like that. 435 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,520 The only way they could get milk was from a breast. 436 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:12,640 So you had wet nurses. But you also had goats. 437 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,160 - So goats were amazing. - They'd feed on the goats? 438 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,520 They'd feed on the goat milk. Very good stuff, straight from the teat. 439 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:19,640 Straight from the teat? 440 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,480 It's better than... Until 1870 pasteurisation was invented, 441 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,800 by Pasteur, obviously, it was the healthiest way you could have it, 442 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:26,920 straight from the teat. 443 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,200 - Was the goat OK with...? - Not only OK, let me... 444 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,200 I've seen Josh's little eyes light up, like, "straight from the teat". 445 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,360 - Yeah. - "The goat was OK?" - And you say goats are OK with this? 446 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,040 Not only OK, you may have seen cows that are desperate to be 447 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,960 milked, and they queue up for the dairy in order to be milked. 448 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,320 Well, goats are the same, if they're ready to give suck. 449 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,000 - So we have here a description... - For what?! 450 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:50,800 Whoa. 451 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:58,360 You know, the phrase, Shakespearean again, Lady Macbeth. 452 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,120 French doctor Alphonse Leroy described it, in a foundling 453 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:05,560 hospital in France, "Each goat which comes to feed enters bleating 454 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,800 "and goes to hunt the infant which has been assigned to it." 455 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,600 So there's a particular child that it's been assigned to. 456 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:16,600 "Pushes back the covering of the bed, with its horns," like that... 457 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:21,480 - Sounds familiar. - "And straddles the crib to give suck to the infant." 458 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,960 It sounds like an accident waiting to happen, really. 459 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,080 Goat soup on the... 460 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,720 Can you imagine trying to get insurance for that in the NHS? 461 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,440 So, we just had this goat straddle a baby 462 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,240 and then the baby just sort of knows to suck off the goat. 463 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,160 - You can imagine the Daily Mail all over that, can't you? - Well, maybe. 464 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,600 - Maybe. - Goat Straddles Baby! 465 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,960 Why do they have...? Why goats? Why not...? 466 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,280 Well, it's a very good question. A cow is just a bit too big, I think, 467 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,400 to go into a little... to go over a crib. 468 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,240 You don't want a pat on the head. 469 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,200 - Hey! - Hey, hey-hey! 470 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:53,560 Hey. 471 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,360 13 years! 472 00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,400 Been waiting for that. 473 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,960 You asked about goats, and some people thought into the 19th century 474 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,560 that breast milk contained not only nutrition 475 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:09,760 but the character traits of whoever gave it. 476 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,120 So if the mother was a loose woman and had given the baby 477 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:16,400 out of wedlock, she wasn't to be trusted to give milk to her baby 478 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,960 because she would be passing on her immorality to the child. 479 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,200 This is how mad we once were. 480 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:24,480 - How do they know what the goat's been up to? - Well... 481 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,560 - They thought they were a better risk. - It has to be a married goat. 482 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:31,720 It might have been an unmarried goat, you're absolutely right. 483 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,400 Dirty goat. 484 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,640 In 1816, there was a writer who compared different milks 485 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,440 and wrote the definitive book called 486 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:41,200 The Goat Is The Best And Most Agreeable Wet Nurse. 487 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:42,640 Others preferred donkeys, 488 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:46,040 which are thought to have a better moral reputation. 489 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,200 They are very noble, they carried our Lord. 490 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,560 That's it, in Palm Sunday. Well remembered, exactly. 491 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,720 Yeah, and also Mary. 492 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,160 Then there was the syphilis outbreak in the 16th and 18th centuries. 493 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,760 - Oh, then the party's over. - Dirty donkey. 494 00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,720 And goat wet nurses were used there 495 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,520 and, unfortunately, though, they were used very unkindly... 496 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,200 What's he up to? 497 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,480 - Milking a goat! - Oh, OK, fair enough. 498 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,560 "This better be for the baby!" 499 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,320 I think that's a different bloke that usually does it, 500 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,600 according to that goat's face. 501 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:22,560 - "Hang on a minute, that's not the grip I'm used to." - Oops. Hello. 502 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:25,440 "That's a bit firm!" 503 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,520 Do you know what I've found mad about...? 504 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,080 I don't have kids, so maybe women in the audience will know, 505 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,320 but that, when you're breast-feeding your child, 506 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,880 if you are, say, in a supermarket or something like that 507 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:40,360 and someone else's baby cries, you leak, like a spider sense. 508 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,400 - Yes. - Is it not true? Any women have had...? 509 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,320 - Yeah, it's a... - Yeah, it is. - There's a bloke there going, "Yeah." 510 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,320 "There is, mate." 511 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,360 "I always leak when I hear a baby crying." 512 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,920 I don't even know why that's funny. 513 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,520 Is that true, though? It is, isn't it? 514 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,400 But if you have, you've presumably expressed into a pot and given it 515 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,960 to the baby-sitter, because that's what happens, isn't it? 516 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,560 Why would the baby-sitter want some? 517 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:09,800 - There was, there was... - "Thanks a million!" 518 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,720 - There was an ice cream shop... - Shot glasses. 519 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,960 - "Dinner would have been fine." - "Help yourself to anything in the fridge." 520 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,760 There was, for a very brief time, an ice cream shop, wasn't there, 521 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:20,640 - here in London, which sold baby...? - Yeah, breast milk ice cream. 522 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,000 - Human breast milk ice cream. - You say a very brief time, 523 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,360 - because it's the worst business plan of all time. - I guess you're right. 524 00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:29,520 You try it once, I think, like incest or country dancing. 525 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,000 I wish that were my own. 526 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,000 You've not been to Devon, Stephen. 527 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,000 I come from Norfolk, for God's sake. 528 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,360 No, the sad thing about the syphilis outbreaks 529 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,800 of the 16th and 18th century, is that it was believed then, 530 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:46,600 and all the way up to the 19th century, that 531 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,720 one of the cures for syphilis, a kill or cure really, was mercury. 532 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,200 Which is poisonous, as I'm sure you know. 533 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,640 And they decided a good delivery system for babies that were born 534 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,360 syphilitic was to make them 535 00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:01,760 suckle on the milk of goats that had been fed mercury. 536 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,480 A lot of goats died that way, it was very unkind. 537 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,200 - Did the babies die? - Probably. It probably didn't help them. 538 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,640 I mean, it's not good for the brain at all, a growing brain. 539 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,640 - It's good for thermometers. - It's very good for thermometers, I agree. 540 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,760 These days thermometers have little ear click things and everything. 541 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:17,560 - They've moved on. - Yes, they have. 542 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,640 Yeah. Just goes in the ear, ping, like that, it's so amazing. 543 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,880 - Or you can stick a thing under the armpit. - Or... 544 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:24,400 But more difficult. 545 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:25,880 Mmm. More fun. 546 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,000 - Under the tongue. - Oh, under the tongue, under the tongue. 547 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,360 What were you thinking?! 548 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:36,280 - Nothing, nothing. - More difficult, though, for you 549 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,480 to fake your temperature to get off school, though. 550 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,360 - You used to stir coffee with it and things like that. - Did you? - Yeah. 551 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:43,640 You were having coffee as a schoolboy?! 552 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:46,600 This was at university. 553 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,000 "Mother, I'm not ready for primary school, 554 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,280 "I'll just have this latte and stay here." 555 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:54,960 Oh, lawks. 556 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,560 Anyway, now to bundles of love. 557 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:04,600 Why did the Puritans want lusty young men to get into the sack? 558 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,280 That picture tells a story. What's... 559 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,960 - LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS - Yes? 560 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,600 I think that they... It was... 561 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:14,600 It's to do with them not having sex, early on. 562 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:16,200 Yes, you're right. 563 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,840 Because they were Puritans and they thought sex was evil or you 564 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,520 shouldn't do it, until you were married or anything like that. 565 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:26,040 - Completely correct. - So they had a thing called bundling. 566 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,600 - You're absolutely right. - Where they put them into sacks... 567 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,760 - That's right. - Or something, was it? - That's right. 568 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,760 So, there was getting the young man into the sack in that literal sense. 569 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:37,440 You put the man in a sack and he could sleep next to his intended, 570 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,440 or he could have a board between them, like that. 571 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,000 I mean, what kind of man can't get over that? 572 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,400 You've got the old hand-held drill under the covers. 573 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,520 He's actually looking at that and saying, "This is more over my side." 574 00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:56,840 Yeah. 575 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,800 - And does the duvet go under the...? - It does. 576 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:05,320 You basically fit this wooden thing on once you've made the bed. 577 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,360 Are you sure they haven't misread the instructions to an IKEA bed? 578 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,360 The IKEA bundling kit, yeah. 579 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:16,000 "Your corner of the bed." 580 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,520 Why were they sleeping together before marriage? 581 00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:20,280 Well, I think that they did want them 582 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:22,240 to get used to each other conversationally. 583 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,240 - That's right. - Genuinely, that was it? - Yeah. 584 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:25,800 Yeah, I believe that's the idea. 585 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,040 That was bundling, an American and Dutch tradition, 586 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,840 which Americans took to, particularly in Pennsylvania, where a lot of Dutch people went. 587 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:35,680 Teenagers in sacks has a certain logic, but frogs in underpants? 588 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:37,240 What would you do that for? 589 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,200 If you run out of carrots. 590 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:48,200 It sounds like a new game show on Channel 5, Frogs In Underpants. 591 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,360 - It does, doesn't it? - That frog is smiling, 592 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:53,080 cos of what that bloke's doing with his right hand. 593 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,960 Well, actually, it's putting frogs in their own underpants, 594 00:29:55,960 --> 00:30:00,000 putting underpants on frogs is actually... 595 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,760 Is it something the French do? 596 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:03,560 To make them more appetising. 597 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,120 Snap a thong on it. 598 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:13,080 It was actually an Italian priest who did this. 599 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,640 He was quite a clever fellow. 600 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:16,520 Oh, I don't think he was. 601 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:20,080 - He had a lot of time on his hands, though, didn't he? - Well, yes. 602 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:22,840 Up until the 18th century, they didn't know what sperm was for. 603 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:25,000 And why would they? It seems so obvious to us. 604 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:28,440 So, like all good scientists, this particular fellow... 605 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,000 He put a frog in some underpants. 606 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,920 He was called Lazzaro Spallanzani. 607 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:34,840 It's the obvious next step. 608 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:37,720 So Spallanzani... Well, it is, if you think about us. 609 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:41,640 He knew that frogs fertilised their eggs outside the female's body, 610 00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:44,960 so it's a lot simpler than doing it to an animal that actually shagged, 611 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:46,160 you know, like we do. 612 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,280 - Don't do that with your chair. - Sorry! 613 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:52,360 You spotted me. 614 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:57,640 It was an easy way of testing, because the females lay the eggs 615 00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,160 and the males come along and the eggs are fertilised. 616 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,640 So he thought, "If I cover these in little taffeta pants," 617 00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,880 which he put on the frogs, the frogs then tried, you know, 618 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,680 and the eggs did not fertilise, 619 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:10,760 so he was able to make the correct assumption 620 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:13,520 that inserting the semen was necessary for fertilising eggs. 621 00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:15,840 And he extrapolated that into other animals. 622 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:17,920 But he didn't just work on frog sperm. 623 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,040 So I would say he was clever, Spallanzani. 624 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:21,760 He also was one of the first people 625 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,480 to carry out artificial insemination, on a spaniel. 626 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,520 First person to suggest that bats use sound to navigate in the dark. 627 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:29,560 He experimented on snail regenerations - 628 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:31,000 this was slightly less kind. 629 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,480 He had this idea... I think it was known that snails 630 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:35,280 could regenerate their heads, 631 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,160 so he took quite a lot of them, 423, cut all their heads off... 632 00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:40,760 - Did you say he was a priest? - Yes. 633 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:44,600 - He wasn't doing many sermons. - Quite a lot of people were priests. 634 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:46,760 A very small parish. 635 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:51,360 So 423 snails, of which a fifth supposedly grew their heads back, 636 00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:52,720 which is not a lot, 637 00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:55,760 but it would be a lot more than if he had done it to humans. 638 00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:00,280 He also... This is a very extraordinary experiment, 639 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,520 he tested the power of gastric juices 640 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:05,840 by putting food in a cheesecloth bag, which he tied up, 641 00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,800 and then swallowed and lowered into his tummy on a string 642 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,880 and then brought it up to see how much it had been... 643 00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:13,360 Yeah. How else would you do it? 644 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,920 Sounds like one of those people you just would not want to get 645 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:18,120 stuck with at a dinner party. 646 00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:20,960 "You did what? Oh, yeah, good." 647 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,440 When he's getting out his cheesecloth for the dinner. 648 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,840 - Tying it up. - "Excuse me." 649 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:29,480 There might be something more unpleasant still. 650 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:32,800 What horror was first shown in the film Psycho? 651 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:34,560 LOVE IS ALL AROUND PLAYS 652 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:36,240 Joshlington? 653 00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:39,080 Was it someone in the shower? 654 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,160 - KLAXON BLARES - Oh! 655 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,280 No, I mean, she's in the shower, but you... 656 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:50,240 The film shoot took 30 days to film, which is very short by any Hollywood 657 00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:53,720 standards, and seven of those days were devoted to the shower scene. 658 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:57,040 - Janet Leigh... - He actually got it in the first day, but he was... 659 00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:00,040 - He was. - "Better get Janet back to the shower." 660 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,000 LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS 661 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,240 Yes, you're right! 662 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:06,960 - There was a toilet in the shower scene. - Yes. 663 00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:08,720 - Is that it? - Yeah. 664 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,480 TOILET FLUSHES 665 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:16,960 It's not just that there is one, it's the first time one had been 666 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:19,080 seen flushed with the water going round. 667 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,440 It spirals down the lavatory. 668 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:25,240 The film is black and white, there's the murderer, we won't say who, 669 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:26,880 they or he or she is. 670 00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:28,760 And it's considered a masterpiece now, 671 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,120 but particularly the Bernard Herrmann score which... 672 00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:32,920 "Ee-ee-ee-ee..." 673 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,320 Didn't they make a shot-for-shot remake of Psycho? 674 00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:38,360 - They did. What a disastrous idea. - Why would you...? - Colour. 675 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:39,720 - Oh, colour. - It was in colour. 676 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,720 There's a whole generation of people who if they are channel surfing 677 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,680 and they see something in black and white, 678 00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,080 will never stop to look at it, 679 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:49,080 which is extraordinary, given that probably most of the best films... 680 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:52,240 - Not even Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid?! - Probably. Most of the best films 681 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:57,080 - ever made are in black and white. It just seems so extraordinary. - Not even Broadway Danny Rose?! - I know! 682 00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:58,680 - Idiots. - Elephant Man. 683 00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:02,080 Why did you point at me when you said "Elephant Man"? 684 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:04,080 "Or Elephant Man." 685 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,680 "Good to have you show, John." 686 00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,400 That was purely accidental. 687 00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:17,040 Anyway, Psycho was the first film to feature a flushing lavatory. 688 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:18,880 From flushing to blushing. 689 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:22,000 Why did half the brides in London go to prison? 690 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:23,960 Because it's... 691 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:26,320 LOVE AND MARRIAGE PLAYS 692 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:29,040 Because women like a bad boy. 693 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:30,600 Well, that is a syndrome, of course. 694 00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:33,200 You're absolutely right, there are women who fall into... 695 00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:36,240 LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS 696 00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:39,920 They used to have weddings sometimes in prisons. 697 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:43,480 They did. And there was a good reason for that, we're going back... 698 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,440 - 150 years? - Probably even more than that, actually, we're talking the 699 00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:49,240 18th-century, cos there was a law brought in to stop it happening. 700 00:34:49,240 --> 00:34:51,560 Essentially, there were certain kinds of prisons. 701 00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:54,000 Obviously, there were prisons where people were sent 702 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:55,640 for committing crimes. 703 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,120 But you were in prison, really commonly... 704 00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:01,000 - Charles Dickens' father is an example... - For debt. 705 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:02,400 For debt, exactly. 706 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:05,280 The most famous debtors prisons, one was the Marshalsea, 707 00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:08,960 which is where Little Dorrit is set, where Charles Dickens' father was, 708 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:11,360 and the other was called Fleet Prison. 709 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:13,680 Fleet Prison was the most popular for this. 710 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,720 And there's a picture of it, it had a yard, 711 00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:17,440 and people were more or less free... 712 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:21,160 They went a bit far with that wall, don't you think? 713 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:25,360 "No, higher than that. Higher. I've seen them jump, they can jump. 714 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:29,080 "They can make ladders out of shoes, I've seen them. Higher." 715 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:32,520 Alan, it's because they kept losing their ball over the wall. 716 00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:36,000 They could get out the top window. 717 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,520 Quite a lot of the people who got into debt were priests, 718 00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:41,560 and they didn't get defrocked for it, it wasn't a defrockable offence, 719 00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:43,440 so they didn't get cast out of the church, 720 00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:46,640 so they retained their ability, their licence, to marry. 721 00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:49,160 So, if you wanted to get married in a hurry, 722 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:51,280 you went to an indebted priest and, you know, 723 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:54,360 he wouldn't charge that much and it would go against his debt, 724 00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,720 the debt that he had to pay to get out of prison. 725 00:35:56,720 --> 00:35:58,560 So it all worked very nicely. 726 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:02,320 If you're in debt, how do you get out of prison? 727 00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:06,000 Your family or someone eventually raises the money. 728 00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,840 So you're basically kept as a kind of hostage, 729 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:10,280 it's a miserable business. 730 00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:12,440 I mean, it doesn't look that miserable. 731 00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:15,120 It just looks like an advert for, "Come to prison!" 732 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:18,320 You were pretty much allowed to mingle. 733 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:21,120 Children, brothers and sisters, a visiting day was available. 734 00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,400 If you read Little Dorrit, you'll see that his father 735 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:26,120 was kind of the king of the Marshalsea - he had the best rooms 736 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:28,320 and he was treated as if he was a great gentleman. 737 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:32,560 - That would be worth... Think how much that property would be worth in London now. - Oh, goodness me. 738 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,760 For the wall alone! 739 00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:37,280 Lot of outside space, it's lovely. 740 00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:40,360 They don't get tennis rackets in prisons these days, do they? 741 00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:42,160 They're all out playing tennis. 742 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:44,560 They don't go to the warder and just say, 743 00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:46,600 - "I'm just off for a game of tennis. - It's true. 744 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:49,520 There's a person in the bottom left, are they smoking a crack pipe? 745 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,320 I think they are. 746 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:56,480 Fleet weddings were brought to an end by 1753 by Lord Hardwicke, 747 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:59,000 his Marriage Act, so after that most people 748 00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:02,120 who wanted an irregular marriage, as it was called, went to... 749 00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:04,760 Where did they have to go to to get married in a hurry? 750 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:07,120 - Gretna Green. - Gretna Green is the right answer. 751 00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:08,640 The nearest they could get to. 752 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,200 Just over the Scottish border, where law is different. 753 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,440 The effect of the Act was that it got rid of this idea 754 00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,320 of a common-law marriage. So for 250 years, 755 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:18,240 there's been no such thing as a common-law marriage, 756 00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:20,600 although over 60% of people asked 757 00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:22,720 if there is such a thing as a common-law marriage 758 00:37:22,720 --> 00:37:27,240 believe there is. But it has no basis in law at all. No standing. 759 00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:30,480 Now, it's time to clear the blockage of received wisdom with 760 00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:32,160 the plunger of general ignorance. 761 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:33,840 So fingers on buzzers, please. 762 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:36,400 What should a Welshman wear in his hat on St David's Day? 763 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:39,040 LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS 764 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:40,520 - Yes? - A daffodil. 765 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,240 - KLAXON BLARES - Hmm. 766 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:46,960 Well, if it's not, it's got to be a leek, right? It's got to be a leek. 767 00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,200 KLAXON BLARES 768 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:52,240 What about cheese on toast? Is it going to be cheese on toast? 769 00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:54,080 - Is it a dragon? - A Welsh rabbit. 770 00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:56,200 We've been rather unfair there, of course, 771 00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,360 because Welsh people do wear leeks on their heads, 772 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,080 but we're going way back to the original battle they fought 773 00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,800 where supposedly they wore leeks to distinguish themselves. 774 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:06,640 You can see, if that's the Royal Welsh Regiment or whoever, with, 775 00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,320 what look more like actually... 776 00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:10,680 I've never seen the Queen so happy. Why is she so happy? 777 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:14,480 - She really does look thrilled. - What's that bloke said to her about his hat? She loves that. 778 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:16,160 There's something about it. 779 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:18,360 "They've all got leeks on their hats! 780 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:22,640 HE MIMICS THE QUEEN'S LAUGH 781 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:27,440 - She's probably saying... - "They're Welsh, ha-ha!" 782 00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:29,400 She's probably saying, "They don't know 783 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,440 "that they're actually spring onions!" 784 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:33,360 They look a lot more like spring onions. 785 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:37,080 Well, there's a whole issue about whether or not they were leeks, 786 00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,720 and Alan Davidson - close name - 787 00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:41,560 author of the Oxford Dictionary Of Food... 788 00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:43,720 Never liked him. 789 00:38:43,720 --> 00:38:46,440 He claims that leeks as we know them didn't arrive in Britain 790 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:49,760 for much longer after the Battle of Heathfield, where the Welsh, 791 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:51,160 who beat the Saxons there, 792 00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:54,240 believed that they first wore leeks to identify themselves. 793 00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:55,360 In Anglo-Saxon, 794 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:58,040 the suffix 'leac' meant any member of the onion family. 795 00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:01,400 So 'enneleac' was an onion and 'garleac' was garlic. 796 00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:04,600 So they might have sported something like garlic, which is slightly more 797 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:07,040 light and practical than certainly a fully-grown leek. 798 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:08,600 The Museum Of Wales thinks that 799 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:11,000 actual leeks may have been brought over by the Romans. 800 00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:12,880 So there's dispute, really, to be honest, 801 00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:14,720 we just wanted to take points away from you. 802 00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:17,440 Anyway, it's possible that the national emblem of Wales should 803 00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:18,680 really be a garlic. 804 00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:20,960 There's a layer of the atmosphere which protects us 805 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,000 from ultraviolet radiation. 806 00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,480 What's it made of? 807 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:27,520 Hint, it has a hole in it. 808 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,800 - LOVE AND MARRIAGE PLAYS - Yes? 809 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:31,520 Ozone. 810 00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:35,640 - KLAXON BLARES - No! What are the odds? 811 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:37,200 What are the odds? 812 00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:39,000 Because it is called the ozone layer, 813 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,680 but it is neither a layer nor made primarily of ozone, 814 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:44,080 which is very mean of scientists to do that to us. 815 00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:45,560 We wouldn't even know it existed. 816 00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:48,160 It's named after the Irish family, the Zones, or the O'Zones. 817 00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:50,200 - The O'Zones. - Yeah. 818 00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:52,280 The O'Zones have moved in next door. 819 00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:56,840 It's only 15 parts per million, ozone. 820 00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:59,000 Do you know what the chemical formula for ozone is? 821 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:01,560 Yeah, but I'm not going to tell you. 822 00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:03,400 - It's O3. - Oh. 823 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,720 Yes, it's a pale blue form of oxygen, with a very pungent smell. 824 00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:09,600 At nought degrees Celsius and normal atmospheric pressure, 825 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,560 all the ozone in the sky would cover the earth 826 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:13,480 to a depth of just three millimetres. 827 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:14,720 Under the same conditions, 828 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:18,360 the rest of the air would make a layer five miles thick. 829 00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:19,880 That's how rare it is. 830 00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:21,680 And, finally, here's one for surf lovers. 831 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:24,040 Where can you find the biggest waves in the world? 832 00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:25,880 LOVE IS ALL AROUND PLAYS 833 00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:28,560 - Widdicombe? - Erm, Hawaii. 834 00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:31,160 - KLAXON BLARES - Oh! 835 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,680 Dear, oh, dear. 836 00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:35,760 - Newquay. - Sorry, where? 837 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,440 - KLAXON BLARES - Oh! 838 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:41,120 Oh, Newquay. Oh, dear. 839 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:44,600 - The Indian Ocean? - No. Well, possibly, yeah. 840 00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,520 - Malibu. - Malibu, well... 841 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:48,920 I was just on a hat-trick, I thought I'd go for it. 842 00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:51,640 There is good surfing to be had there on the Californian coast. 843 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:54,560 But let's forget coasts, let's forget Australian coasts 844 00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:55,800 and any other coast. 845 00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:58,120 Is it going to be a different type of wave? 846 00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:01,360 It is... No, it's a water, seawater, wave, but it's underwater. 847 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:05,360 - The biggest waves are actually sub-surface waves. - Oh... 848 00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:09,240 "Oh..." He's so disappointed. It was satellites that showed us. 849 00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:11,880 We didn't know until satellite photography. 850 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:14,160 And there are lots of drowned surfers on them. 851 00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:16,200 Well, they'd be very hard to surf, 852 00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:19,000 because they really go incredibly slow, they crawl along, 853 00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:22,640 a few centimetres a second, so a few metres an hour, I think. 854 00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:26,240 And a tsunami, on the other hand, which is obviously a gigantic wave, 855 00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:28,680 is Japanese for "harbour wave". 856 00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:31,800 Because we say tidal wave, but tidal wave isn't correct, 857 00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:33,000 because it isn't tidal. 858 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:35,760 Tsunamis result from earthquakes, landslides and volcanoes, 859 00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:36,840 as we probably know. 860 00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:40,600 In the open ocean, the waves are about only 300 millimetres high, 861 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:42,320 but with a very long wave length, 862 00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:44,320 sometimes hundreds of kilometres apart. 863 00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:46,720 As they approach land, the sea gets shallower, 864 00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:48,320 and that's what pushes them up. 865 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,880 Oh. How fast is a tsunami? Because he is not going to... 866 00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,080 He's not going to make it, I'm afraid. No, he's not. 867 00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:57,600 Especially with three sharks on their way. 868 00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,440 And what with him not having any feet is another problem. 869 00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:02,560 That's really going to slow him down. 870 00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:06,520 Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Well, before it gets any sicker, 871 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:08,480 the world's biggest waves are underwater. 872 00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:10,600 And so, finally, to the scores, which 873 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:12,080 if you're lucky will be love-all. 874 00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:15,240 Well, they aren't. They're fascinating, though. 875 00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:17,560 He did run into the wall several times, 876 00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:21,440 the tousled tow-headed dear from Devon, 877 00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:25,360 minus 36 points in fourth place is Josh Widdicombe. 878 00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:34,400 How relieved is our third placer, on minus seven, Alan Davies. 879 00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:37,280 Thank you very much. Minus seven. 880 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:39,040 Pretty good. 881 00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,560 Aisling just ahead on minus six. 882 00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:43,680 Whoo-hoo! 883 00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:49,080 On plus seven, it's Tony Hawks. 884 00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,160 - Bravo. - Thank you very much. 885 00:42:56,240 --> 00:43:00,040 So, it's good night from Aisling, Tony, Josh, Alan and me. 886 00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:02,400 And I leave you with the last words of English essayist 887 00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:04,280 Lady Mary Wortley Montagu - 888 00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,560 "It's all been very interesting." 889 00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:08,120 Good night.