1 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,600 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,040 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:38,960 good evening and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to QI, 4 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,000 where this week we're looking at ladies and gentlemen. 5 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,160 And we have a pair of each. 6 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:46,560 A decorous Kathy Lette. 7 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:51,440 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:55,960 A distinguee Sue Perkins. 9 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,200 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:04,720 A dashing Ross Noble. 11 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,360 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,000 And a-dorable Alan Davies. 13 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,800 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:21,120 So let's listen to the ladies. 15 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,880 Kathy goes... 16 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,880 # Three times a lady... # 17 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,920 Ah. And that's Lionel, who has two Ls himself. 18 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,520 - And Sue goes... - It's also libellous. - Yeah, libellous. 19 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:33,720 Sue goes... 20 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:37,520 # Oh, yes, it's ladies' night And the feeling's right 21 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,160 # Oh, yes, it's ladies' night... # 22 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,520 And lo, the gentlemen. 23 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:42,720 Ross goes... 24 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,560 # I'm a man 25 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:53,000 # I spell M-A-N... # 26 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,040 LAUGHTER 27 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:57,360 Good blues harping. 28 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:01,280 - No, no, that was me adjusting my dentures. - Oh, right. 29 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:02,520 And Alan goes... 30 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,560 # Boys and girls come out to play 31 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:09,240 # The moon is shining as bright as day... # 32 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,560 Aw, that's sweet. 33 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,920 Now don't forget our L series Spend A Penny joker. 34 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:18,280 JINGLE 35 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:20,080 FLUSHING 36 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,000 So, if you play your joker 37 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,360 because you think that the answer to the question 38 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,000 is something to do with the lavatory, you'll get extra points. 39 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,280 Right, now, ladies first. 40 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,160 Oh, you smoothie. 41 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,240 Oh! Why shouldn't you have the vote? 42 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,800 - LAUGHTER - That's a nice way to start, isn't it? 43 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,960 Finally. Your true colours, Stephen. 44 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,200 Because we'll find out the size of your election? No. 45 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,640 Hey, hey, very good. 46 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,720 You must be talking about, are you talking about in suffragette days? 47 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,000 - What they... - Yes. - OK. 48 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,920 What were the reasons advanced for women not being given the vote? 49 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,200 Well, I mean, it's unnecessary, isn't it? 50 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:58,600 I imagine it was the aristocracy that were the most fervently against. 51 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:02,120 Oddly enough, in the days of the suffragette movement, possibly, 52 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,200 you could argue, it was socialists who had the most objection. 53 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,480 Because the suffragette movement 54 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:11,000 only asked for votes for property-owning women. 55 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,800 And the socialists regarded that as deeply wrong. 56 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,720 Because they said, well, that would just stuff parliament 57 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,640 - with even more bourgeoisie. - We wouldn't want that. - Yeah. 58 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:24,000 And, in fact, a lot of the enemies of the votes for women were...? 59 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,600 - Were women. - Were women, exactly. - Yeah. - There you are. 60 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,920 These are the women against it and they didn't want it. 61 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,280 It's the one behind going... 62 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,320 LAUGHTER 63 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,600 I'm late, I'm late! 64 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,160 - For a lobotomy. - Yeah, the one behind has a hammer, which is 65 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,880 - obviously trying to suggest... - Yes, she's off to perform a... 66 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,000 But there was sort of the Stockholm Syndrome. 67 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,360 That they were brainwashed. 68 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,800 - They'd been brought up to be decorative and demure. - Yeah. 69 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,560 And they had this idea they had to be home 70 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:49,760 looking after the children 71 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,080 and being domesticated and doing the home cooking. 72 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,440 - Home cooking, that place where a husband thinks his wife is. - Yes. 73 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,240 So... And also I think they were, the women who thought that way, 74 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:01,120 obviously they were also a bit braindead because of the corsetry. 75 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,680 Their corsets were so tight, 76 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,880 it had cut off all circulation to the brain. 77 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:10,040 Do you know where Constance Wilde, Oscar Wilde's wife, comes into this? 78 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,320 - No. - She was a very, very leading figure 79 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,920 in a movement which was a precursor to Votes For Women, 80 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,000 which was called the Rational Dress Society. 81 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,440 - Oh, yes. - Oh, right. - Yeah. - Yeah. 82 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,600 Women in Victorian eras, as you say, were corseted 83 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,120 to within an inch of their life. They could barely breathe. 84 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,440 And they wanted to loosen out. 85 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,200 And that's why they would faint so often, 86 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,160 in hot dinners and parties and things, balls. 87 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,920 But what you could do is, as the blood was cut off, 88 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,320 - you could turn them upside down... - LAUGHTER 89 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,880 - And then it would rush to their legs... - And make an egg timer. 90 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,920 - And you could have a lovely egg. - Yeah. - Yeah. 91 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,080 - The three-minute lady. - Yeah. 92 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,840 And Constance Lloyd, then Wilde as she was, very intelligent, 93 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,840 splendid woman, she was one of the first to say, 94 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:46,880 well, we should wear rational dress, you know. 95 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,440 Straight, loose clothing that doesn't constrict us. 96 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,400 And that kind of was symbolic of a wider constriction 97 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,880 that existed in society, in terms of what they were allowed to do. 98 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,800 And it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 99 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,680 Because women were not in engineering, were not in politics, 100 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,560 were not in anything involving the colonial system... 101 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,400 Therefore it was said, well, but they know nothing about politics. 102 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,960 They know nothing about... Therefore they shouldn't vote. 103 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,120 But it's because they... 104 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,720 But there should have been something, when she sort of, 105 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,320 you know, brought this up as a thing, rational dress, 106 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:16,760 she should have gone, 107 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,760 "But in the future, leggings must be approached with caution." 108 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:22,160 - LAUGHTER - That's the... - That's true. Yeah. 109 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,240 Because there are certain people who, I think, 110 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:27,040 if you're not fighting crime - no, thanks to the Spandex. 111 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,120 Well, look at Spanx. Spanx are back, like corsets, aren't they? 112 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,240 - What are Spanx? - Oh, Spanx are life-savers. 113 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,280 - They just move it around. - What are Spanx? 114 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,960 It's basically anatomy roulette. 115 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,160 It's like, put them on, who knows where it'll end up? 116 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,280 What is a Spanx? 117 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,680 They're these tight pants that some women wear 118 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,600 to hold all their little bits of flesh in. 119 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,360 But, honestly, they're a contraceptive, 120 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,960 because once you get them on, you can never get them off again. 121 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,800 But the best thing about Spanx is, is if you go to a wedding 122 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,000 and at the start of the night there's these, 123 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,920 loads of women just looking amazing, 124 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,160 then they get a few drinks in them, have a bit of a dance 125 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,960 and then just boobs start appearing in different places. 126 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,600 - LAUGHTER - And you go, "Have you got leg boobs? 127 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,520 "I didn't know you could have leg boobs." 128 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,880 - It does, it moves the boobs. - It just, whoa, there's one. 129 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,720 And then you, look, I've got, I've got a side boob, 130 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,640 and then push that and then boom, out there. 131 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,880 - And you get a nice shoulder tit. - What, hey? Oh, oh, oh! 132 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,040 So what is it, is this like a body tube? 133 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,280 - Yeah. - Yes. - Yeah. - Wow! 134 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,240 So, anyway, just to sort of sum up what's happening here. 135 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,640 - Um... - LAUGHTER 136 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,600 Are you referring to what's happening in my Spanx right now? 137 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,280 The pro-suffrage movement was divided against itself. 138 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:35,880 There was the suffragists, who followed the Liberal Party, 139 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,600 and then there were the suffragettes, as you can see there, 140 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,320 Mrs Pankhurst being the most famous, 141 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,040 and they believed in smashing windows, 142 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,840 chaining themselves to railings, and in the worst possible case, 143 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:47,240 Emily Davidson, deliberate or not, throwing herself 144 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,160 - in front of the King's horse and dying. - It looked pretty deliberate. 145 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,280 Although I don't suppose she intended to die. 146 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,160 I think she intended to stop the horse. 147 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,320 There's the saddest thing, at the British Library 148 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:59,200 they've got her purse and in her purse is a return ticket. 149 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:02,240 Which, was she... But was she just being female and thinking, 150 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,360 "Oh, it's cheaper to get the return"? 151 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,480 Presumably, I don't know if this is true, but if, but pre-suffrage, 152 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,080 would women have been seen as sort of goods and chattels? 153 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:15,440 So if they did something wrong, would it then, would the husband be liable? 154 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,120 - What a fabulously good idea. - No, no, they'd just be... 155 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,160 - Speaking as criminal stock, you know. - They'd just be burned. 156 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,360 Well, burned is... That's going a long way back. 157 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,880 They would be burnt or ducked. 158 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,160 Or tried as witch or something like that. 159 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,880 But actually, Stephen, I don't think... 160 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,400 It's amazing women got the vote, 161 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,040 it's amazing they went out to protest. 162 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,360 Women weren't supposed to go out without a chaperone. 163 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,120 If you did, you were seen as a prostitute. 164 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,200 We're a couple of slappers being here right now. 165 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,720 I suppose the most amazing thing is those women who existed 166 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,080 before the vote, who managed to achieve things. 167 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,640 The trouble is, you could name them 168 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,400 almost on the fingers of a pair of hands, 169 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,200 the women who managed to break through, 170 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,800 what was not a glass ceiling, but basically a rock ceiling, you know. 171 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,240 Yeah, and they had crazy ideas. 172 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:57,800 There was one professor who said that women shouldn't be educated 173 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,640 and shouldn't vote because it would mean their brains would grow. 174 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:01,880 And if their brains grew, 175 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,480 - their wombs would shrink. - They would vote for Nigel Farage. 176 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,280 And he based that evidence on the fact that women who were educated 177 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,800 didn't have children, mainly because we were smart enough 178 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,040 to know that, you know, our careers would end. 179 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,800 He clearly didn't foresee the Katie Price scenario then, did he? 180 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,800 Well, we seem to have covered that very well. 181 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,720 The fact is, strange as it seems to us today, 182 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,280 many women were against votes for women. 183 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:27,920 When did women first get the vote in Britain, do you know? Either of you? 184 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,080 - Either side? - '21. - '21? 185 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,600 1920, I think. 186 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,840 '20... 187 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,080 - KLAXON - Oh, the '20s generally, 188 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,760 - I'm afraid, get the klaxon. - Oh, dear. 189 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,520 Oh, dear, oh, dear. It's actually rather surprising. 190 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:46,640 You may think, of course, they were enfranchised, more or less 191 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,920 by the 1920s after the contribution 192 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,520 they clearly gave to the First World War. 193 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,400 It was nigh on impossible to doubt that they had earned the right. 194 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,160 But the first was in 1867. 195 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,000 The first woman to vote, so far as we know, 196 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,880 in the entire United Kingdom, was one Lily Maxwell in Manchester. 197 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,040 And she was a ratepayer. 198 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,040 And the law then was that ratepayers were allowed to vote. 199 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,240 And it never occurred to the good burghers of Manchester 200 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,960 that a female ratepayer would take it up and vote 201 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,000 because there just wasn't a rule. 202 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,200 It's like saying rabbits cannot vote. 203 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,360 And if a rabbit turned up and voted, you'd say, "Oh, gosh, there's no law 204 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:22,760 "that says rabbits can't vote." 205 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,800 That's what it was like to the Victorians. They closed that 206 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,880 loophole very quickly, but a few women snuck in under the wire 207 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,600 and voted, 1867. 208 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:34,160 When did the law that prohibited women from doing that come in? 209 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:38,440 - Very shortly afterwards? - It was the following year, 1868. 210 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,840 - That is quick. They really stamped that out. - And they burned them. - Yep. 211 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,400 Get on the pyre. 212 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,200 Is that fella there, in the blue shirt, 213 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,600 is he wearing a false beard, by any chance? 214 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,960 You can see the straps there. That's a woman. 215 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,960 He's there going, "Yeah, yeah, you can have the vote there! 216 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,800 "Don't tell anyone. I'm a woman." 217 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,880 Must be a woman because she's got a box of chocolates next to her. 218 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:10,200 - We can't go to the polling station without confectionery. - Absolutely. 219 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,280 Who said this? 220 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:16,240 "Nothing would induce me to vote for giving women the franchise." 221 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,320 Said in 1905. 222 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,120 - Churchill. - Who? - I bet it's a woman. - Churchill. 223 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,640 Is the right answer! 224 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,040 Yes, I'm afraid so. 225 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,240 Yes, he did say that. 226 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,080 He was not, let's face it, the most liberal and progressive man 227 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,040 when it came to Empire and things like that, 228 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,160 marvellous as he was in all kinds of other ways. 229 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,640 So, "We will fight them on the beaches" was originally something 230 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,360 - he said about women, he just modified it. - We'll fight them on the bitches. - Bitches! 231 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:48,320 - ALAN: - Supposedly, he did not say, "Golf is a good walk spoiled." 232 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,680 - That was somebody else. - Mark Twain, I've always heard. 233 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,760 Apparently not Mark Twain either. 234 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,560 It's what's known as Churchillian drift. 235 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,240 It's all these witty remarks get attributed to 236 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,160 people like Churchill, Noel Coward, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain... 237 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:05,880 - Stephen Fry. - George Bernard Shaw. - It's always, like... 238 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,160 it's always the real highfalutin one, isn't it, 239 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:13,280 the real amazing bits of wit that then get attributed to somebody else. 240 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,960 - It's never, like, Cannon and Ball, is it? - No! 241 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,000 I think it was Churchill who once said, 242 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,000 "Oh, Tommy, you've got me skin." 243 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:27,320 - IMPERSONATES: - I've got my eye on you! I've got my eye on you! Rock on. Right. 244 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,720 I mean, that was Churchill, wasn't it? 245 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,280 I believe it was... 246 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:35,040 Now, I've got some little toys for you to play with. 247 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,080 - What would you use them for? - Oh, hello. 248 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,880 You can have the blue one. 249 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,720 - Well... - Hello? Hello? - It's an alarm key. 250 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,280 LOUD WHIRRING 251 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,000 Ah, you've pressed the button. That's a very good start. 252 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,640 It's the world's worst rape alarm. 253 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:57,960 If you're wearing a microphone, 254 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,720 it sounds like a million voles having a heart attack. 255 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,640 If you can hold them away from the mics, 256 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:04,680 because you're sending the audience mad. 257 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,760 - I can't turn it off! - No. - Yes, you can. Just leave it. 258 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,080 It's a tiny stadium audience in a box. 259 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,640 And you just go, "Good evening, Wembley!" 260 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:14,840 It seems to be white noise. 261 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,120 - This is what it's trying to do. - Oh, go on. 262 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,240 SOUND OF RUSHING WATER 263 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,400 - That's just frightening. - Oh, that's better. 264 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,920 That's like a toilet. 265 00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,400 - Yeah. - Why, is the word? 266 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,360 Why would you want to replicate the sound of a flushing toilet 267 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,440 wherever you go? 268 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,520 More to the point, why has Stephen got an app on his phone? 269 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,720 LAUGHTER 270 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,680 Because there is nothing I wouldn't do to make things clear for you, 271 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,240 because of my love for you all. 272 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,280 Is it to make people urinate after an operation or something? 273 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,360 Yes, it's not exactly to make people urinate. 274 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,760 It's designed by the Japanese for the Japanese. 275 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,800 Oh, to cover the sound of yourself in the toilet, you put it on. 276 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,040 Yes, I bet that's it. 277 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,080 You could have played your Spend A Pennies here. 278 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,800 - Oh, I could have done. - Oh, we could. 279 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,000 It's to cover the noise of peeing. 280 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,520 Because Japanese are traditionally rather pee-shy, 281 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,480 and it's called a Sound Princess. 282 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,240 - A Sound Princess! - LAUGHTER 283 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,720 Oh, that's marvellous. 284 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,160 They're actually built into some lavatories in Japan, 285 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,720 but these are the ones for if you don't have a built-in one. 286 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,480 "This clever little key chain gadget from Japan 287 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,320 "solves a real problem for those that are shy, 288 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,320 "namely the embarrassing sounds of our noises as we go to the bathroom. 289 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,000 "Push the button and 25 seconds of continuous sounds 290 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,440 "of a running refilling toilet permeate the room 291 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:30,920 "in a natural, unobtrusive way." 292 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,080 - 25 seconds! - It's just going to run out. 293 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,240 - 25 seconds is not going to do it. - "Masking the sounds you make..." 294 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:40,120 - It finishes and then you hear... - HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY 295 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,320 Yeah. Do they do another one for sort of number twos, 296 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,960 - the sound of sort of an avalanche or something? - You'd think so. 297 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,320 - "Press it again, press it again." - RASPBERRY 298 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,160 Well, push the button again for another 25 seconds of bliss. 299 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,120 - "I've dropped it!" - RASPBERRY 300 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:54,920 You mean in the cubicles. 301 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,360 I thought you had to hang it off your downstairs. 302 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,240 Oh, no! 303 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,880 And then you're stood at the urinal, just weeing. 304 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,680 The fella next to you hears. 305 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,480 "Why is there cheering coming from the...?" 306 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,800 "We will rock you!" 307 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,240 Imagine that whacking off your plums. 308 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,560 It comes in three colour-ways. We've got two. 309 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,480 "It comes pink with a cute little heart, 310 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,440 "for the inner girl in every woman." 311 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,840 - But this is... I don't want... - Do you have an inner girl? 312 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,080 - Well, not with that in it, no. - No, you don't. - No. 313 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,000 - "Baby blue with a ribbon for that free and fresh feeling." - Yeah. 314 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,240 "And a white Save The Earth unisex model for both men and women." 315 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,800 But it's an Eco Otome, 316 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,600 because it saves you having to flush the loo to disguise your noise. 317 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,800 So you're saving water, in theory. 318 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,240 Why don't you just go into the cubicle, close the door, 319 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,880 you hear somebody come in, just go, "Brace yourself!" 320 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,840 He'll go, "Oh, no, I'm not having this." And leave. 321 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,480 But also the sound of that, you turn that on and you hear... 322 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,760 MAKES FAINT GROWLING NOISE 323 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,200 The person - it's Japan, isn't it - 324 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,360 what's the first thing they're going to think of? 325 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,560 "Hang on, I can hear Godzilla." 326 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,280 Another person might be halfway through their business. 327 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,680 "Oh, my God, Godzilla's here." And then runs out. 328 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,240 The floor gets slippy, they fly over, smash their head, 329 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:21,080 and it leads to all kinds of... It's a health and safety nightmare. 330 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,400 This should be banned. It should be off the shelves. 331 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:27,200 I'm writing to Watchdog. 332 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,400 I took my children to the toilet today... 333 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,280 - Yes? - They're 18 and 19. 334 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,480 And we all went in, we were all in a cubicle together. 335 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:36,920 - They're two and four. - Right. 336 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,520 And then someone went into the next door cubicle and started 337 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:43,360 going about some, obviously some quite serious business. 338 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,160 After about four minutes of this, my little girl started saying, 339 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,880 "Oh, oh, that stinks! 340 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:55,400 "Oh, that's terrible! It's really smelly in here! Oh! 341 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,320 "That's awful!" 342 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,360 - If only you'd had this! - Princess poo! - If only you'd had your princess. 343 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,960 And I could hear the person in the next cubicle laughing. 344 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,280 Where was the loo? 345 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,800 The O2 Centre on the Finchley Road. 346 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,680 - Oh, no. - Oh, look, was it you? 347 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,680 It was me. I know the very one. 348 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,640 Well, there's only one other thing that's vaguely connected to this, 349 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:24,720 and that's the architect, Sir Edmund Beckett, the 1st Baron Grimthorpe, 350 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:28,520 and he was considered the best locksmith of the century. 351 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:32,600 And he hated it when people didn't pull the flush in his lavatory. 352 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,240 So he set it up such that if you went into his loo 353 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:40,040 and locked the door, then if you didn't flush, you couldn't get out. 354 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,520 It was locked. 355 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,400 Only when you flushed did it unlock the door. 356 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,720 - Isn't that brilliant? - That is quite brilliant. - Yeah. 357 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,440 And maybe, for the ladies' sake, it would be the same 358 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,160 if you lifted the seat or lowered it, rather than lifted it. 359 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,120 Which is it you like? I always forget. 360 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,480 - Well, we like it where you do the wee in the hole bit. - Oh, really? 361 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,720 - As opposed to all the way round. - That never occurred to me. 362 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,080 Just the rest of the toilet, anywhere in the rest of the toilet. 363 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,400 It takes all the fun out of it. 364 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,520 I suppose we could try that, couldn't we? 365 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:11,200 The difference between the sexes here is that men seem to think 366 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,160 sitting on the toilet is a leisure activity, 367 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:16,480 - which women just don't get that, do we? - No, you're quite quick about it. 368 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:17,880 Yes. Who wants to stay in there? 369 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,520 Well, maybes if you weren't outside the door giving it all that... 370 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,120 - Well now... - I am joking. 371 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:27,360 I am joking. I am joking. 372 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:28,680 Of course you are. 373 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,560 Who made the ladies' toilet, was it George Bernard Shaw? 374 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,400 I think he definitely was the one who pushed for it, as it were. 375 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,720 Because they'd previously... 376 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,400 Previously there'd been lots of public conveniences for men, 377 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,480 - but never for women, because it was thought rather... - Women didn't wee. 378 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,480 ..inappropriate for women to go, you know, outside their own home. 379 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,840 Well, the building of theatres in the 19th century 380 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,720 did not take women into account, did it? 381 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,640 And to this day, you can see it at the intervals of plays, 382 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,200 women are having to queue up, 383 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,520 while men are just peeing all over the place. 384 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,080 Just one bog and a tannoy bellowing, 385 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,720 - "You've got one minute till the..." You know. - Minute to go, yeah. 386 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,160 Till View From A Bridge starts 387 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,720 and you've got a bladder the size of a spaceship 388 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,200 and then you just do it on the seat and cry. 389 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,360 And go home with a wet bottom on the night bus. 390 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,440 - LAUGHTER I imagine. - Aw! 391 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,280 That's the title of your autobiography already, 392 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:21,560 - Wet Bottom on the Night Bus. - Wet Bottom on the Night Bus. - I love it. 393 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,120 Anyway, next question. 394 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,240 What can you catch from a lavatory seat? 395 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:26,280 A tennis ball. 396 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:29,520 If you position it right, 397 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,120 so that they're just serving through a slightly open window. 398 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,920 - Yeah, you can just get it. - Very good. - Lob it through. - Nothing. 399 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,880 - Nothing? No, that's not right. - KLAXON 400 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,400 It's so not right, you get a klaxon. 401 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,680 Something. 402 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,800 - Everything. - Not good enough. Everything is not right either. 403 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,240 There are quite a few diseases. 404 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,440 Gonorrhoea. 405 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,640 - Um... - Syphilis. 406 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,920 Is it the crabs? Is it the tiny crabs? 407 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:56,440 Well, there are a number that are very much known to be caught. 408 00:18:56,440 --> 00:19:01,040 - Hepatitis, dysentery, fungal infections, puerperal fever. - Ugh! 409 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,680 Viral gastro-enteritis, 410 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,000 but the only way you catch it from the loo seat 411 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,240 is from the loo seat to your hand 412 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,280 - to what is nicely known as a "soft entry point." - Oh. 413 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,320 Which tends to be the nose or the mouth. 414 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,920 So as long as you wash your hands, you're perfectly safe. 415 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,240 You don't get it through the thighs and bottom. 416 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,440 - Yes, that would be weird. - That would be weird. 417 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,720 Surely the bottom is something of a soft entrance, isn't it? 418 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,080 It is, but unless you're doing it very, very wrong, 419 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,080 it should be hovering over a nice hole in-between the seat. 420 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:33,680 Well, you just stand up. I tend to slide off onto the floor like that. 421 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,000 Do you? Well, I advise you from now on not to. 422 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,280 That is why they have a gap under the door. 423 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,240 - Just so your feet can go through. - No, what I do, what I do is... 424 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,360 That's brilliant. So you leave all your doings, 425 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,080 and then get out with the door locked. 426 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,120 - What's happened here? - Yes. 427 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:52,520 So somebody goes, "Oh, my God, he didn't even flush it." 428 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,680 "I don't need to flush it. 429 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,640 "It will not unlock the door." Whoosh! Like that. 430 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,520 In fact sometimes, if you time it right... 431 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,960 Don't you catch your testicles, as they go under? 432 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,960 No, no, it's a sort of a reverse limbo, you pull them in like a sumo. 433 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,560 Oh, right, OK. 434 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,680 But what you do is, you time it right so that 435 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,360 when the fella or the lady is mopping the floor, 436 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,560 I slip out from under the door, it's like the curling, like that. 437 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,320 And then somebody opens the door, all the way down, 438 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,200 "What are you doing?" "I'm fine, I'm fine." 439 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,160 And then as you're moving, it pulls your trousers up. 440 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,720 - Superb. - KATHY: - That should be an Olympic category, I think. 441 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,640 - It should be an Olympic category, that is superb. - Yeah, excellent. 442 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,400 Never do it on the ice though, never on the ice. 443 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,560 - No. - Never. - Those of us who use lavatories in a more, 444 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,360 - shall we say, normal... - Conventional. 445 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,400 ..usual, conventional way, tend not to do that. 446 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,440 We tend to keep the soft entry points of our bottoms... 447 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,280 That is why I'm riddled with disease. 448 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,600 - Yes. - Riddled, riddled with disease. 449 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,640 That would explain it. Yeah, absolutely. 450 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,080 But who was responsible for the myth that you can catch 451 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,600 sexually transmitted diseases from lavatory seats? 452 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,080 It's, erm, Brian Blessed. Brian. 453 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,240 - "Yes!" - "Oh, you can!" - "No, I don't think... No, no, no." 454 00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:01,920 "My soft entrance has been violated! 455 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,960 "Yes! I can't believe it!" 456 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,640 "It's hairier than the rest of me." 457 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,120 - So who put it about? - My grandmother, I think. 458 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:15,480 Your grandmother may have... 459 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,440 Would it be a pharmaceutical company with profits to be made? 460 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,760 No, it's actually doctors. Doctors suggested that you could catch it. 461 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,320 I love that show. 462 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,840 They suggested you could catch it from lavatory seats. 463 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,400 - There's something very, very wrong with that torso. - There is. 464 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,640 - I think she's past hope. - Is it a she or a he? 465 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,520 It's very hard to tell. 466 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:38,280 - Your problem is... - It's Tilda Swinton. 467 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:41,520 It's beautiful Tilda Swinton with gangrene of the upper rib. 468 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:42,800 Yeah. 469 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,600 "Your head is much too small for your body." 470 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,560 That's not a usual... It's not a usual soft opening part, 471 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:49,960 that he's poking his tube into. 472 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,160 I don't know what... He's draining it, presumably. 473 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,880 He's harvesting tit juice. 474 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,480 - All right. He's harvesting tit juice. - Gangrenous tit juice. 475 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,560 No, it was doctors. Doctors suggested it because they thought 476 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,880 it would make more people come forward with STDs, 477 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,440 because they would be less embarrassed to say they caught it 478 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:06,800 from a lavatory seat than 479 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,280 - that they caught it from a whore, strumpet, harlot. - Sex worker. 480 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,240 - Or parent. - Puttanesco. Or parent. Parent?! 481 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:20,120 Don't make me repeat things without thinking. It's all wrong. 482 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,720 This is a thing that's happened to me. 483 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,040 - I'll share, cos I feel I'm amongst friends. - All right. 484 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,440 I went to the doctor, had terrible, like a sort of a... 485 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:31,000 - It was almost like welts... - Did you say whelks? - Welts. 486 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:34,320 - Welts. Not whelks. - It was a red... - No, welts with a T, not with a K. 487 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,080 I thought you said whelks, as in cockles and... 488 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:41,440 There was... You know, whelks. I was bothered by Cockneys. 489 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,960 And all the time I had chimney sweeps around me, 490 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:47,760 I was batting them off. "Feed the birds." 491 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,920 Went to the doctor and I thought, I've got some sort of... 492 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:56,280 - MUMBLES: - ..sexually transmitted disease. 493 00:22:56,280 --> 00:23:00,000 Went into the doctor, he went, "Pants are too tight." 494 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,400 That's what he said. 495 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,320 - He said "Your pants are too tight." - You had your Spanx on. - Just had... 496 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,480 So you were kidding yourself that you were a medium 497 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,480 and in fact you were an extra, extra large. 498 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,000 I've done it, I've been there. Yeah. 499 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,720 And you do get welts, you get awful webbing marks, you get... 500 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,280 - Webbing? - Yeah, well, the... You know, the webbing of the... 501 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,760 You need to just loosen that banana hammock and let it fly. 502 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:22,800 I got the larger... I went for the larger pant, 503 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,400 - and since, trouble-free. - It's been simple. Yeah, I know. 504 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,440 What a wonderful, wonderful thing. So, there you are. 505 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:31,840 So, there you are. Now, here's one for the gentlemen. 506 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:35,600 How could your mother-in-law help you run things at tiny bit better? 507 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,240 Well, my mother-in-law... 508 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:43,120 There's a rather classy version of Deal Or No Deal going on. 509 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,160 - It's the picnic special. - The wicker version. Exactly. 510 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,520 Fortnum and Mason Deal or no Deal. "Oh, chutney." 511 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:56,120 It's a hell of an episode of Blind Date as well. 512 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,640 "Who'd date number one? The older lady..." 513 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:01,000 They look like they've just emerged from them. 514 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,080 Put them back in them. 515 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,480 Anyway, they're two daughters-in-law with their mother-in-law, 516 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,800 - but that's just an example, obviously. - Run things? - Yes. 517 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:13,680 - Talk about running things, I mean runs companies and things. - CEOs. 518 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,680 CEOs is exactly what we're after, actually. 519 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:21,360 A study of 6,753 deaths among CEOs 520 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:26,200 and their families found they caused a statistically significant 521 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,040 and economically large decline in the profitability 522 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,840 of their companies. But there was one exception. 523 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,160 The death of a CEO's mother-in-law 524 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,960 led to a positive effect on performance. 525 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:41,240 You're now advocating that mother-in-laws of successful CEOs 526 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:44,040 should do the decent thing, ladies, and top yourselves. 527 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,760 It was marked as positive but statistically insignificant, 528 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:48,640 which makes it rather, sort of, peculiar. 529 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,880 But there is one feature that CEOs should have in America, 530 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,840 which WILL make them the more successful. 531 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,040 - Do you know what that is? - A face. Is it a face? 532 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:59,680 It's not a face, but it is physical. It's rather good news for me. 533 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,920 - Height. - Height is the answer. 534 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,200 Height is more important than race, sex, 535 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,560 or ability when it comes to CEOs. 536 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:11,240 Only 14.5% of US men are over six foot. 537 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,840 But 58% of CEOs are. 538 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:19,240 Which is going to piss on Janette Krankie's attempt to lead. 539 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,400 You'd think it'd be a towering intellect they'd need. 540 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,880 I always think the only important organ in a man is the big, 541 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,520 throbbing organ between the ears. 542 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,840 The only place where size does count. 543 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,360 - Stephen has a big throbbing organ. - Bless you, darling. 544 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:35,600 And, in the US, there's also the issue of the pay differential 545 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:39,120 between large company CEOs and their average employees. 546 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:43,880 But the fact that I haven't yet given you is that CEOs anyway, 547 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:45,960 no matter how much they're paid, 548 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,720 have absolutely no effect on the performance of a company. 549 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,800 So the idea that they are worth what they're paid, 550 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:53,680 which apparently only applies to them 551 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,400 and not to average workers anyway, is complete nonsense. 552 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,320 And there are perfect examples of this which I can give you. 553 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:03,240 A report in 2013 found that during the years 1993-2012, 554 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,600 40% of the highest paid CEOs in the US had either 555 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,600 had their companies bailed out by the taxpayer, 556 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,840 or had their companies charged with fraudulent activity, 557 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,040 or been fired for poor performance, 558 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,440 or overseen the death of their companies. 559 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,800 These are people paid millions a year. 560 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,400 So the fact is, 40% of them have been shown to have 561 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,720 a disastrous effect on their companies. 562 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,800 In the UK, women get 58p for every pound that men get. 563 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,240 I know. 100 years since Emmeline Pankhurst tied herself 564 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,280 - to the railings, and we still don't have equal pay. - She never called for 565 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,560 equal pay, of course. That only arrived in the '70s. 566 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:40,000 Should we do a riot? Let's do a riot. 567 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,400 - Do a riot. - Do a riot. There's three people that are ready to take arms. 568 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,360 So, the death of the CEO's mother-in-law helps businesses 569 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:50,400 a little bit. Now, staying with lady relatives for a moment, 570 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,800 can you finish these real suggestions from agony aunts? 571 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,080 Here they are. 572 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,760 "There is no more harm in a kiss than...?" 573 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,120 Shaving a monkey and pretending it's a woman. 574 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:07,000 I don't know where that's coming from or where it's going. 575 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,880 - Sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry. - Is it the common cold? 576 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,320 It's actually a loaded revolver. 577 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,600 It's from Ally Sloper's Half Holiday of 1911. 578 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:19,400 Next one. "Kidney troubles, coughs, colds, toothache and neuralgia, 579 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,240 "diarrhoea and stomach catarrh are frequently brought on by...?" 580 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,040 - Kissing? - Exposing one of your soft entrances. 581 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:28,800 In a public convenience. 582 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,400 I tell you, it's true. 583 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:33,480 "Kidney troubles, coughs, colds, toothache and neuralgia, diarrhoea 584 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:37,720 "and stomach catarrh are frequently brought on by...paddling, rowing." 585 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:40,000 Paddling is the right answer! Yes. Bizarrely. 586 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,400 It's Mother and Home, 1910. 587 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,440 And finally, "If your friend is too fat, she should..." 588 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,200 - Only be seen... - Try presenting Bake Off. 589 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:50,400 KLAXON 590 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,880 Ta-dum, boom! 591 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,560 Well, well, we... 592 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,960 Should not live in glass houses. 593 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:04,600 This is a very strange 1928 cure for obesity, which is, 594 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:08,120 "She should try doing rolling exercises on the floor." 595 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,960 For the amusement of the family. 596 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,520 The world's first agony aunt was actually a man. 597 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:15,840 He was called John Dunton. 598 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:20,080 He started a twice weekly periodical called the Athenian Gazette... 599 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:24,920 How could a man with hair like that give advice to anybody? 600 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,360 Everybody had a perruque in those days. 601 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:31,080 - What kind of advice did the agony aunts give? - Quite interesting. 602 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:34,640 - Mostly literary, political, scientific or religious. - "Never bathe." 603 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,440 He got a letter from a lady and he was rather surprised. 604 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,440 She asked if she could submit questions. 605 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:43,040 This led to a spin-off, "Reasonable questions sent in to us by the fair sex," 606 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:46,000 and the spin-off was called the Ladies' Mercury, not surprisingly. 607 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:47,640 the first women's magazine. 608 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:51,440 Yeah! Its mission was "to answer all most nice and curious questions 609 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:55,240 "concerning love, marriage, behaviour, dress and humour of the female sex, 610 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:56,960 "whether virgins, wives or widows." 611 00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,240 - Is there any other type? - LAUGHTER 612 00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:03,720 There are no other types. Stephen, no lady will ever touch you or hurt you. 613 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,960 It only lasted a month but things would never be the same. 614 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:10,080 He was asked at one point by a woman saying she was lonely, 615 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:14,680 he advised her to go down to the docks and find a randy sailor. 616 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,760 He didn't use the word "randy", 617 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,520 but said there would be sailors aplenty to oblige her. 618 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:23,280 Another asked for "the opinions you have met concerning the capricious 619 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,440 "and extravagant humours of women." 620 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,040 And he replied, 621 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:29,960 "The word 'capricious' is used to signify the extravagant 622 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:32,120 "humours of most women, because there is no animal 623 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,040 - "they resemble more than a goat." - LAUGHTER 624 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:35,880 Which is pretty odd, 625 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:38,760 because he actually dressed up as a woman to avoid tax and debt. 626 00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:41,960 - Yeah. - Gary Barlow didn't think of that one! 627 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:46,040 - No! - Did he look like a goat when he dressed up as a woman? 628 00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:49,960 "How shall I do it? They look like this, don't they?" 629 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,480 Horns, four hooves and going up a mountain. 630 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:56,160 But that's fascinating that he gave such ribald advice. 631 00:29:56,160 --> 00:30:01,040 in Victorian times agony aunts were dipped in penicillin. 632 00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:04,800 Telling her to go down and look for a sailor... 633 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:09,200 A horny sailor who just wants anything with a hole and a heartbeat, is quite... 634 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,440 It's very impressive. 635 00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:15,520 - That's the second volume of my autobiography. - A Hole And A Heart. - LAUGHTER 636 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:19,080 They're all collected in a book, Never Kiss A Man In A Canoe, 637 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:22,400 Words of Wisdom From The Golden Age Of Agony Aunts, by Tanith Carey. 638 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:25,960 Who's collected them all for your pleasure and enjoyment. 639 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:27,640 So now let's man the lifeboats. 640 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:33,360 What was the seventh most common cause of death among German submariners in World War I? 641 00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:36,840 Was it banging their heads on low doorways? 642 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:38,800 Bulkheads, I believe they are called. 643 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:44,080 - Being shot? - Shot, yes, kind of, but shot in a particular way. 644 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:46,120 Can I do one? I think toilets, 645 00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:50,080 the water coming in rather than flushing out, maybe. 646 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:52,960 How ironic to die of an overflowing toilet in a submarine! 647 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,800 - Being fired out of a torpedo tube? - Friendly fire. 648 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:58,400 Well, not friendly fire. 649 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:01,680 Very unfriendly fire and deeply unsporting unfriendly fire. 650 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,840 Soft tissue access, so communicable diseases... 651 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,120 No, I'll tell you what it is. 652 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,520 The Germans, who were very sporting and gentlemanly, 653 00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:13,080 they used protocols which meant that if they 654 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:16,120 approached a merchantman, in other words, not a warship, 655 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:19,000 what they would do is rise to the surface 656 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:24,160 and they would give an opportunity for everyone on board to 657 00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:28,960 get into the lifeboat and sail away to safety. 658 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:33,640 Then they would sink the ship and its supplies, because that was a legitimate war target. 659 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:39,480 So the Royal Navy got these ships that they disguised as merchant ships 660 00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:44,600 and they got their sailors to dress up in drag and walk up and down as if they were women... 661 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,920 - Like goats! - As if they were perfectly natural civilians, 662 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:54,920 and the German U-boat would approach and call out and say, "Man your lifeboats!" 663 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:59,880 The captain of the boat would pull a lever, reveal all the weapons 664 00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:02,800 and shoot down and destroy the U-boat. 665 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:07,440 - And it was mean. - That's not the Marquess of Queensbury! - It's not cricket. 666 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:13,240 So did they learn their lesson and perhaps disguise themselves as a hen party, a sort of...? 667 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:17,960 They should have done, but 14 German submarines were felled that way, 668 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:21,240 making cross-dressing sailors the seventh leading cause. 669 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:23,640 - That's hilarious! - Amazing, isn't it? 670 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:29,120 In 1927, HMS M2 was the very first submarine to carry aeroplanes. 671 00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:32,040 - Carry aeroplanes? - Yeah. 672 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:35,680 - Not only carry them, but they had a deck. - A slightly flawed plan. 673 00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:39,880 Yeah, obviously they would only allow them to land and take off when they'd risen to the surface. 674 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:44,680 A small, specially designed seaplane took off next to the sub 675 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,600 and could be winched aboard and stowed in the hangar. 676 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:53,520 Unfortunately they once opened the hangar too early and the whole thing was sunk. Very sad. 677 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:57,960 Now, ladies, you should be covering your ears, because you're very sensitive, I know. 678 00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:01,520 Can you name an Anglo-Saxon swearword? 679 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:06,480 - BLEEP. - I would say... - Oh. - KLAXON 680 00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:11,880 That's... We've covered all bases there. 681 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,760 In for a penny. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP...! KLAXON CONTINUES 682 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:22,000 - Knob-gobbler. - Knob-gobbler?! 683 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,720 - Knob-gobbler is Anglo-Saxon. - It's also a delightful wading bird. 684 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:34,320 The amount of times Bill Oddie's gone after a knob-gobbler on the... 685 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,520 He does spend a lot of time on Hampstead Heath, 686 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,800 it's certainly true. That's where he comes from. 687 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,200 Yeah. "Ooh, look at the plumage on that knob-gobbler." 688 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:44,280 - This isn't rude, it's a type of... - No. - It's a type of bird. 689 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,800 You know, who wouldn't want to stroke a knob-gobbler? 690 00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:49,920 But no, you see the fact is, 691 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:53,600 we have no knowledge whatsoever of Anglo-Saxons swearing, 692 00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:56,560 because the only Saxons we know of are those who wrote. 693 00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:00,120 And those who wrote were in Holy Orders, and tended not to swear. 694 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:01,400 And didn't swear, of course. 695 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,200 - But we have no evidence for them. - There must have been swear words. 696 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,800 But we do know that Vikings swore, because we actually know, 697 00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:09,400 there's a particular word, and this is rassragr. 698 00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:12,040 It's such an appalling word that 699 00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,920 if one Viking called another Viking rassragr, 700 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:17,840 the Viking who was called it 701 00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:20,760 - would be entitled to kill the man who called him that. - Gosh! 702 00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:23,160 And indeed, if he didn't try and kill him, 703 00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:25,120 he would be expelled from the community 704 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:27,160 and indeed be proved to be a rassragr. 705 00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:30,000 - I've been told what rassragr means, but I just cannot tell you. - Aw! 706 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:32,720 - Is it... - I just can't. - Rassragr. - Rassragr. - Rassragr. 707 00:34:32,720 --> 00:34:35,880 - Is it to do with colouring? - I just can't. 708 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,680 - Russet beard or something? - My mind has got the idea of it in its head 709 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,560 - and I will never be the same. - He must tell us! 710 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:43,560 - I don't know what it means. - We all want to know, right? - Rassragr. 711 00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:46,480 Anyway, the fact is, there are no known Anglo-Saxon swear words, 712 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:48,800 in the sense that Anglo-Saxon peoples use them. 713 00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:52,000 It's time for a maths test and it's ladies versus gents. 714 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:55,640 Which team will let itself down? 715 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:59,120 - Oh, lord. - What happened to our faces? 716 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:04,760 - You're eating your thumb. - Disturbing, isn't it? Which team will let itself down? 717 00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:08,000 If it's the pair of us, we will lose because I'm really bad at maths. 718 00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:12,040 - Because women are always told that that's ten inches. - LAUGHTER 719 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:16,680 - That isn't ten inches? - Exactly, yeah. 720 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:20,320 And also, on our team the little boy at the back has had a severe head injury. 721 00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:24,240 LAUGHTER Look at him, he's concussed. 722 00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:31,400 He's sat there going, "I can do maths but I've been smashed in the face with a ruler." 723 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:36,000 - This is a gender fulfilling... - It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. 724 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,360 Because women are told we are bad at maths. 725 00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:43,760 And we did it - we said, "We'll never be able to do it because we are rubbish." 726 00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:48,040 Indeed, yes. and it's been tested because there is a general feeling 727 00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:50,040 that seems to be, again, self fulfilling, 728 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:52,920 that Asian people are very good at maths. 729 00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:56,400 So if you take a group of Asian women and say, 730 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,840 "You're women and you're going to do a maths test 731 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:03,840 "and the men are going to do a maths test," they tend to get 60%. 732 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:09,360 And then you take a group of Asian women and say, "You're Asian 733 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:12,920 "and you're playing against a group of European men," 734 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:16,080 they tend to get, at the same level of difficulty, 735 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:19,360 80% or 90%. So it's really about being told what you are, 736 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:22,880 and the very fact that you're told you're a woman makes you think, 737 00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:24,200 "Oh, God, I'm no good at this." 738 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:27,640 And your self-esteem is lower than Lady Gaga's bikini line. 739 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:31,600 I'm rubbish at maths, but when I go, "You're an Asian woman," boom! 740 00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:36,600 Brilliant, honestly. I'm on Countdown next week. 741 00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:40,360 Now, some might say that's borderline racist, what I've got planned, 742 00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:43,600 but I'm going to win, that's all that matters. 743 00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:46,040 It's about tribal affiliations. 744 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:51,440 So if you are oriented to affiliate with a more successful... 745 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:55,200 You could be a woman or you could be a redhead or a European or 746 00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:59,280 an Antipodean or whatever, so you find the right one. 747 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:02,880 Similarly, some retailers have tried to make their toy displays 748 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:07,040 gender neutral, but they have a toy tool box and a toy handbag 749 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:08,800 and one is blue and the other is pink! 750 00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:11,640 How is that in any way neutral? Lego has a pink brick box. 751 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:15,920 "It has everything young girls need to create a world of building fun." 752 00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:20,840 - And it includes a female mini figure. - A mini finger? - Mini figure! 753 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:26,680 LAUGHTER Just a slightly smaller version of your own finger. 754 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,880 "This is a shit gift. 755 00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:33,040 "I've got five and now I've just got a really small one." 756 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:37,520 OK. Women who are reminded they are women do worse at maths. 757 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:42,520 And now hold your horses, ladies, fingers on buzzers, gentlemen, 758 00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:44,640 because it's time for a bit of General Ignorance. 759 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:48,400 - Right, what did Lady Godiva do? - # A lady... # 760 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:51,040 - Yes? - Well, of course she rode naked through the town, 761 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:54,400 because she wanted to... I forget, what was it she was doing it for? 762 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:56,840 - She had... She wanted... No. - KLAXON 763 00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:58,120 - Whoa. - No. 764 00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:00,760 No, which town was it that she didn't ride naked through? 765 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:03,360 - Birmingham, I think. - Birmingham! No. 766 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:06,400 Coventry is the one that people suppose that she... 767 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:09,680 - She owned Coventry, interestingly. - Did she? - Yes, she owned it. 768 00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:14,200 And the first story of her riding naked is the early 13th century, 769 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:17,520 but actually, that's some 200 years after she lived. 770 00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:20,400 And this story was a fellow called Roger of Wendover, 771 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:25,240 who was a notoriously unreliable purveyor of anecdotes and gossip. 772 00:38:25,240 --> 00:38:28,960 In fact, the story that he gave was that her husband, 773 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:30,640 who was the Earl of Mercia, 774 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,120 had put large taxes on the citizens of Coventry, 775 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,040 and she thought this was unfair, 776 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,240 and she said, "You must get rid of these taxes." 777 00:38:37,240 --> 00:38:39,920 He said, "I'll do it if you ride naked through Coventry." 778 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:41,680 And so she thought, "All right, 779 00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:44,360 "I like the people of Coventry, I'll ride naked." 780 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,760 And they all obediently closed their eyes. 781 00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:50,800 But there's no evidence for any of this. All this is later. 782 00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:52,240 Do you think that would work today 783 00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:53,880 if we suggested that to Boris Johnson, 784 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:57,040 if we rode naked through the town, we could stop paying our taxes? 785 00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:59,600 To bicycle on a Boris bike through the streets of London. 786 00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:01,120 - Yeah. - Yes, naked. 787 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:04,320 Yeah. The story of Lady Godiva is horseshit, frankly. 788 00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,280 So what did Mary Magdalene do for a living? 789 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,640 Mary Magdalene, what did she do for a living? 790 00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:11,520 - Ah... - Oh. - Are we? Do we dare? 791 00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:12,640 # Ladies' night... # 792 00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,000 I just want to hear that again, 793 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:17,520 - because I am so in the groove with that shit. - Yay. 794 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:18,960 She was a... 795 00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:22,120 - DUTCH ACCENT: Sex worker. - A sex worker, a prostitute? - KLAXON 796 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:23,360 We call them sex workers now. 797 00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:25,160 Sex workers. They are called sex workers. 798 00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:26,760 The sex workers, like prostitutes. 799 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:28,760 No. In as much as we know anything about her, 800 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:30,600 or anything about anybody in the "Bibble". 801 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:34,320 - She's got jaundice, that's what we know about her. - Well, that's true. 802 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:35,560 I think we've taken faces 803 00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:38,040 from some sort of Sienese school rendering of her. 804 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,000 But she's mentioned in each of the four Gospels, Mary Magdalene. 805 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,320 And not one of them says she was a prostitute or even a sinner. 806 00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:46,920 All you need to do is to have sex once. 807 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:49,520 If you're a girl, then you are a prostitute. 808 00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:54,400 It did say that she spent a lot of time on the docks, wink, wink. 809 00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:58,040 At some point she became confused with two other women 810 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:00,240 in the Bible - Mary, the sister of Martha 811 00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:02,880 and the unnamed sinner from Luke's Gospital, chapter... 812 00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:04,520 Gospital?! 813 00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:08,400 Gospel, both of whom washed Jesus' feet with hair, if you remember. 814 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:12,360 That's the third chapter of your book, The Unnamed Sinner From Luke's Gospel. 815 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:14,680 In the sixth century, 816 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,560 Pope Gregory the Great made this confusion official by declaring 817 00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:20,160 in a sermon that these three characters were the same person. 818 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,720 This remained the official line for over 1,000 years 819 00:40:22,720 --> 00:40:27,080 until the Catholic church finally ruled that Mary Magdalene was not the penitent sinner in 1969. 820 00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:29,280 And the whole world went, "Ooh!" 821 00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:32,680 Oh, I've been calling her a slag for 2,000 years. 822 00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:35,600 Can I just ask, right? I'm no art historian, 823 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:43,680 but why is there a severed baby's head with no body attached, just...? 824 00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:46,640 It's like a flying tray with a head on it, isn't it? 825 00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:49,080 Just the wing ears. 826 00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:52,240 You will get these in baroque paintings, putti, as they're called. 827 00:40:52,240 --> 00:40:54,480 It... But how do we know that that is a cherub 828 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,320 and not just, like, a fat-faced bird? 829 00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:59,600 That's a knob-gobbler, that's what that is. 830 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:04,320 Well, it's... The Baroque did go rather crazy, 831 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:06,440 and there's no real excuse for it. 832 00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:08,800 It's overdone, to say the least. 833 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:11,800 But the one thing that we know about Mary Magdalene 834 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:13,560 is that she wasn't a prostitute. 835 00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:17,560 - What happens nine months after a blackout? - Ah. 836 00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,160 # A lady... # 837 00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:20,840 Many, many babies. 838 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:22,960 - Ah... - No, no... - KLAXON 839 00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,120 - Oh, you've been doing so well. - Aw. 840 00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:30,360 Is it the power company finally give you the cheque for a refund? 841 00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,120 - That's probably right. - Yeah. - Yes, you finally get your refund. 842 00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:36,240 No, there is no evidence, although it is a commonly held belief, 843 00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:38,960 absolutely no evidence whatsoever from demographers 844 00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:40,880 and other such people that this is true. 845 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:43,760 There was a famous 1965 blackout in New York and everybody said, 846 00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:46,000 nine months later, including the New York Times, 847 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:47,800 that there was a sharp increase of births. 848 00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:50,080 But they then, after it was proved to be inaccurate, 849 00:41:50,080 --> 00:41:52,600 issued an acknowledgment that they had made a mistake. 850 00:41:52,600 --> 00:41:54,240 I mean, lights do go out every night. 851 00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:57,320 I mean, it's not like we're permanently in sort of spotlights. 852 00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:00,000 - Precisely, exactly. No. - And so it's such a rare thing we go, 853 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,240 - "God, the lights are finally off. We can have sex!" - Exactly. 854 00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:05,600 "Oh, telly's not working. Go on, then." 855 00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:13,160 I always go to the main fuse box. "Sorry, love." 856 00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:15,200 "Our leccy's gone." 857 00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:18,240 - That's your foreplay, is it? - Clever, clever, clever. - Yeah. 858 00:42:18,240 --> 00:42:21,360 No, there is no evidence that people have more sex during a power cut. 859 00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:26,080 So, not with a boom, but a whimper, we come to the scores. 860 00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:30,320 - Oh, my good night. - HE CHUCKLES 861 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:33,680 Well, we're going to start in last place, and I'm sorry to say, 862 00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:38,360 because of her filthy mouth, in last place with minus 48, 863 00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:39,520 - it's Sue Perkins. - Oh. 864 00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:41,800 APPLAUSE 865 00:42:44,440 --> 00:42:51,760 And hardly less Anglo-Saxon, with minus 28 is Kathy Lette. 866 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,080 - APPLAUSE - Thank you. Thank you. 867 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,760 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 868 00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:03,720 And not losing again, with minus 8, it's Alan Davies. 869 00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:05,920 APPLAUSE 870 00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:11,840 Second place, you must be very proud. 871 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:15,400 It only means there's one winner, with plus 2, Ross Noble. 872 00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:17,560 APPLAUSE 873 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:28,160 So, all that's left for me to do is to thank Kathy, Sue, Ross and Alan. 874 00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:30,000 And I leave you with the last words of former 875 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,240 British Prime Minister, Pitt the Younger. 876 00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:35,560 "I think I could eat one of Bellamy's meat pies." 877 00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:38,560 What greater last words could you ever have? Good night.