CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good
evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.
As you may have noticed, if you've been paying attention,
the rest of the series has been devoted to the letter L.
But tonight's an exception, because it's No-L.
GROANS
Let's look at my lovely decorations. A big bauble, Bill Bailey.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A big...?
A jolly cracker, Jimmy Carr.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I'm happy with that.
A Christmas fairy, no less than Carrie Fisher.
Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And either my chocolate log has melted,
or the reindeer have diarrhoea, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There's no need for that!
There is no need.
Let's hear their jingle bells. Bill goes...
# Ding dong merrily on high
# In heav'n the bells are ringing. #
Jimmy goes...
MUSIC: Troika From Lieutenant Kije-Suite, Op. 60 by London Symphony Orchestra & Andre Previn
Oh, that sleighs me. And Carrie goes...
- AUDIENCE: Aw! - Thank you.
MUSIC: Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes
Phil Spector's still in prison. And Alan goes...
# Silent night
# Holy.... BARKING
RINGING
# Ding dong merrily on high... #
RINGING
BELLS RING
BIG BEN CHIMES
Now, this series we have an L-themed chance for extra points
in the shape of your...
Spend A Penny Bonus!
TOILET FLUSHES
L is for lavatory. If you think a question I've asked
has some lavatorial theme,
all you have to do is wave your Spend A Penny
and if you're right, you get extra points.
Now, I've got a little something for each of you under this tree.
Isn't that lovely? But first, can you tell me what's special,
indeed unique, about this tree? Can you see it? There you are.
- It's small. - It's small.
- Imperfectly formed. - Imperfectly formed.
Was that a normal sized tree and they started trimming it
and then they didn't get it even on that side,
went a bit lower on that side
and then eventually they ended up with a twig?
BILL: Is it a vintage one?
- It is, it's been valued by Christie's. - Oh. - Uh-oh.
- Oh, hello. Is it a Christie-mas tree? - Hey, hey.
APPLAUSE
I'm playing the... I'm playing the joker!
- It doesn't quite work as lavatorial, but you're on fire. - Ah, thank you.
When you say it was valued by Christie's, that sounds very
impressive, but maybe they went, "That's worth a pound."
Four-figure sum.
- Four-figure sum. - 10.99.
- Does it belong to someone famous? - No.
Has it... Is it one of these things that's been to the moon?
No, it hasn't. These are all good answers.
- Yeah. - Really?
You don't know the kind of answers they usually give.
Oh, great answer.
- Jesus' personal tree. - Jesus' personal tree, no.
Was that what the gold, frankincense and myrrh was under?
Somebody kind of suggested it earlier on, and that's to do with its age.
It's the oldest Christmas tree.
- Oldest what Christmas tree? - Oldest one in the room?
- Fake. - Fake. Oh. - An artificial tree. - A tinsel... - It's the first...
The original artificial tree.
- It's the first ever. It's in the Guinness Book of Records. - Wow.
Christie's have validated it, it was bought for sixpence,
that's 6d, which is two-and-a-half pence, in 1886.
- What?! - Yeah. - This particular one? - This actual one.
And someone made note of that so that we can now...?
It's been in the same family, that's how we know.
And they keep all their receipts.
- It was bought by Lou Hicks and her great-great-niece, Janet... - Oh, Auntie Lou.
There's Lou Hicks on the left, and her great-great-niece, Janet.
She died in 2008, and her son, Paul Parker,
who's a mathematician, from Bath, is here in the audience.
Paul, hello.
APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!
- Paul, you grew up with this Christmas tree? - That's right.
And you knew that it was old? You knew...?
No-one knew it was the oldest until I was grown up.
Everyone was kind of, "Well, that's a nice little trinket."
And then it turned out to be the oldest one
- and everyone else got really interested. - It's amazing.
But all these baubles presumably are not original?
No, they've just been accumulated over the years.
- Did your mother take it to Christie's? - That's right.
And what value did they put on it?
They put a value of about 1,000 on it,
but the thing is, it's anyone's guess, because it's unique.
If you're watching,
if you give your address, there may be a burglar watching.
- No, that would be, that would be irresponsible. - Bound to be some burglars watching.
Yeah.
- Odds are... - Chances are... - Yeah.
APPLAUSE
You have Christmas trees in America, obviously.
I have a year-round Christmas tree, actually.
- Well, you have a house that is just the most... - It's year-round also.
It is bizarre, it is the most bizarre... An extraordinary house.
My house is 100 years old!
- And in America that's like prehistoric. - Wow.
So... But Bette Davis lived there, and Robert Armstrong,
- who was in King Kong. - Yeah, and your mother lives there, Debbie Reynolds.
- We're neighbours. - She lives in your garage, let's be honest.
- I'm using the American pronunciation of "garage". - Some nights, yes.
Do you know who it was who brought the Christmas tree to Britain?
There's no reason why you should know
but it was Queen Victoria's husband, Albert, who was German.
He didn't introduce it to Britain
but he certainly made it very popular.
He had this German habit of having the Christmas tree decorated
and it just caught on. By 1889, of course, when this one was made
it had become a habit throughout Britain
- and indeed now artificial sales have overtaken real sales. - Really?
- Isn't it sad? Yeah. - Yeah. - Because in America you see...
- Won't be long before e-trees take over. - E-trees!
- Virtual. - Just have a tree on your telly.
You lose so many lovely traditions though,
that lovely January tradition of sort of taking it down
and throwing it over the neighbour's fence.
What you can do is gather them in a little bag,
all the pine needles, and put them in a bath and they scent your bath.
Is that from Prince Albert as well?
We have other traditions from Prince Albert.
- LAUGHTER - Wacky Germans.
I don't know why I grabbed my groin when I said that.
- Cos you couldn't reach mine. - Yeah!
APPLAUSE
- Debbie Reynolds was in Singin' In The Rain. - She was?
Did she never tell you that?
She doesn't come up, no.
- No. How old was she? - I can't stop thinking about it.
She was 19 years old. You'd better stop thinking about it.
- She was 19 in that film? - Yeah. - What were you doing when you were 19?
- Nothing, that's right. - Yes. - I was...
She says that Gene Kelly rehearsed until her feet bled.
Yes, and she also said that Gene Kelly French-kissed her
and she vomited.
- During? During or after? - So romantic. Yeah.
That's actually a tradition
that Prince Albert brought over from Germany.
- Was that part of the film? - No.
- That's in the blooper reel at the end. - Oh.
They did not... Donald O'Connor
- and my mother were not wild about Gene Kelly. - No.
- Oh, wow. I love this, more of this. - It's great.
Well, but apparently he's not a good kisser
and he didn't have a good sense of humour...
But was Donald O'Connor nice? Was Donald O'Connor a nice chap?
Yes, he was great.
Because he's... I love him.
What's...what's Chewbacca like?
MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL
- He also... - Try and ignore Stephen.
- AS HARRISON FORD: - "Laugh it up, fuzzball!"
You must get this everywhere you go, you're going to get it everywhere.
I've gotten used to it, you know. It'll take a couple
of minutes for the navi computer to calculate the coordinates.
Yes. No, that's exactly it.
That wasn't even my line and I get... We all started saying those things.
You started to say it, that's right. For the jump into hyperspace. And it goes...
MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISE
I remember you with Harrison Ford where
he said he had a problem with the dialogue.
- He said, "You can write this stuff, but you can't say it." - You can type it. - You can type it.
It's very specific. Yeah, no, you cannot say...
"I have placed a couple..."
I can't say mine. "I've placed a couple..." No, no, I can't remember it.
Come on, come on, come on.
What is that, what is that speech that I did?
- You'd know it. - I'll tell you what we've done, we've brought 300 nerds.
Look that way.
Oh, I know. "I've placed information vital to the
"survival of the rebellion into the memory system of this R2 unit.
"My father will know how to retrieve it."
- That's it! - Control, alt, delete.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Beginning of a religion, isn't it? - It is.
- It's like Jerusalem 2,000 years ago. - Exactly like that.
"But can you explain to me, please, why is it that C-3PO can speak
"two billion languages but not English
"without a proper intonation?"
- It's all up here. - "It's so wrong, all the way he talks."
Anyway, we've to thank, of course, Paul, for his fantastic, trusting
nature, in letting us look after his exceptionally valuable tree.
The oldest artificial tree in the world. Authenticated.
Thank you, Paul.
APPLAUSE
Now you'll notice...
You'll notice that like any tree, it has presents around it. Carrie, I have a present for you.
And I want to know which imperial princess was responsible for it.
So you can open it, literally on camera.
It's from an imperial princess.
Well, see, I've taken my glasses. Does...
- Do you want... You can put your glasses on for this moment, if it really... - Thank you. - Ah, poor you.
I've no idea where I am. Oh!
I thought we were alone!
All right.
Oh!
Can you see the picture of it there? We've got a video slide, so...
M&Ms?
- The original tin. - Shall I open it now?
The original tin. The oldest M&M tin in the world.
Do you want to show the audience what you've got there?
"With our best wishes for Christmas 1914.
"May God protect you and bring you home safe."
So what could that be, Christmas 1914, 100 years ago?
I think it could be stolen, Stephen, where did you get this?
- Was it...? - Let me just say there are over two million of them made.
Are these care packages sent to the troops?
They are indeed. On the left, she's less well-known than...
The guy on the right was George the...?
You aren't to know, it's not your business.
You think of George the Tyrant before George III.
- No, George Lucas. - Yeah, George Lucas!
I stand by what I said, George the Tyrant.
No, I'm sure he was a darling.
That's George V, as it happens, who looks exactly like his cousin,
- Nicholas of Russia, who was killed by Lenin. - Right.
Well, not personally. And his daughter, Mary,
wanted to send the troops at the front a present.
She wanted to pay for it herself, out of her own allowance, to send
all the troops at the front a brass box with a Christmas card,
signed by her mother and her father,
- George RI, Rex Imperator, King Emperor. - Oh.
And there was tobacco for those who smoked pipes
and cigarettes for those who smoked cigarettes. And there were sweets
and spices for those who were in the Indian army. Sweets and, rather
unpleasantly, a silver pencil in the shape of a bullet, for boys who
were not old enough to smoke, and for those who were non-combatants.
I wonder, did Vader send something similar to all the stormtroopers?
No, no, I think he sent strippers.
Virtual strippers to the troopers. Say that three times fast.
Do they have this, like, in a museum somewhere, of the...?
Well, its rarity is not enormous, because originally
she wanted everyone of the British Empire's armed services
afloat or at the front to have this present at Christmas.
And that was 355,000 boxes successfully
delivered by the deadline.
But then the eligibility was extended to include everybody
who was wearing the King's uniform on Christmas Day in 1914.
Which is a huge increase. Which was 2,620,019 servicemen.
- That's a lot of uniforms. - A lot of uniforms, but a lot of brass.
- So there was a brass shortage. - Buttons, a lot of buttons.
Well, yeah, buttons, of course, but the actual box that Carrie's got
is made of brass, so they had to make over two million of them,
- and there was a brass shortage, and... - Oh! - Yeah.
Also there was a war on.
And there was a war on, so brass was needed for the casing of bullets and for other things.
There was a huge extra order of brass made from America
and Canada, and one of the largest consignments was the Lusitania,
which was sunk.
So that held up production of these boxes.
Now, here's a rather more individual present.
What did St Bernard get from the Virgin Mary
that wasn't just for Christmas?
It's not just for Christmas, it's for life
therefore it must be a bottle of brandy. No!
Er, a St Bernard dog, I'm going to say.
Come on! KLAXON
Oh!
- KLAXON - It's actually rather weirder.
And with all the deepest respect to the Romish church,
it's not untypical of some of their oddest moments of saint worship.
- Oh... - She was a virgin, if we accept that she was a virgin, and gave birth.
It seems a bit unbelievable now, doesn't it?
I believe in miracles, you sexy thing...
- ..you may remember was a line from Hot Chocolate. - Fine.
- You can't make hot chocolate without...? Chocolate and...? - Milk.
- And a kettle. - Milk. - Milk. - Milk.
She's a virgin, she's given birth.
- Oh, she gave him milk. - Breast milk. - She lactated right into his mouth.
But she was a virgin.
- And there was a painter present! - Wow!
- She's a hell of an aim. - Look at that!
- What a shot. - Phewee.
And the milk is supposed to represent...wisdom.
Wait a second. I just want to get this as a Christmas card.
APPLAUSE
Stay where you are, stay where you are.
- Lovely, thank you very much. - Add that to your photos. - Christmas sorted.
I mean, you know, next Christmas.
She's giving a gift to the priest?
He's not a priest, he's got the halo, that strange little spinning disc about him,
- which means that he's already been sanctified. He's a saint. - Ah.
Why is he dressed as a Jedi Knight then?
They were basically a prophecy of what was to come, the saints.
- There will come after us... - A movie... - A movie, exactly.
- ..that you'll want... - A franchise. - A franchise.
Mass merchandising.
Any old way. That's St Bernard. He was pretty odd.
But there were other opportunities that painters had to paint breasts.
Because the painters were pretty limited, they wanted to paint
religious paintings. You couldn't get that sexy with Christianity.
- This was one example where you could. - I was going to say.
Well, that, exactly. And then there was of course a myth. Whoo!
And this is a peculiar myth, because it gets weird.
- It doesn't look like the milk is really doing him any good. - Well, no.
- I'm just saying. - No, you're right.
Rubens, Vermeer and Caravaggio,
three of the greatest names in all art, all painted
the legend of Roman Charity, as it was called, Caritas Romana, which
was a fashionable theme for painters in the 17th and 18th century.
And it tells the story of Chi-mon, or Cee-mon, C-I-M-O-N,
who was sentenced to death by starvation.
And he's visited in prison and secretly breast-fed by Pero,
- his daughter. - Ugh.
AUDIENCE GROANS
- Yeah. - Well, that's a bit creepy. - It is a bit.
Although, could be worse, you could have got off with your brother.
APPLAUSE Just saying.
I hope you're not feeling bullied, Carrie.
- Not at all. This is... - You know
how much into every single cell of our body your work is stitched.
This is actually a scene cut from Star Wars,
where...
..Leia breast-feeds a Wookiee.
MAKES WOOKIEE NOISE
So, St Bernard's Christmas tipple was the Virgin Mary's nipple.
What's the least imaginative present that you could think of?
Yes, Jimmy?
- Well, it's got to be the gift voucher, hasn't it? - Yes.
The gift voucher, I mean, it's heroically bad.
It's walking into a shop and going, "Yeah, can I...?
"I've got some money here, can I exchange this for...?
"This works everywhere, could it just work in this one shop?
"But could it just be for a limited time period
"with some terms and conditions but worth the same amount?
"Could I make this universally acceptable thing useless?"
Well, without wishing to insult your country,
it is the number one present that women want in America
is a gift card.
- Are you ashamed of your people? - I'm humiliated for Americans everywhere.
Who invented the gift card? Because it is a terrible idea.
If you try to sell it to someone as an idea going,
"Well, look, take the money..."
It clearly isn't, it's 30 billion a year in America.
- 30 billion industry. - And how much of that is actually spent?
Cos I've got a lot of... I've got some Woolies vouchers at home.
I'll tell you, in America, only 75%.
About a quarter is never redeemed because the recipient forgets
or the time period elapses before they get to the shop to redeem it.
- The time period, you know, like money doesn't have. - Exactly. - Brilliant.
- I know, it's astonishing. - I've got one at home, I can't find it.
Oh, that's annoying.
- It's for a day driving around Brands Hatch or something. - Oh, that is fun.
- Sounded fun. - Yeah. - I think it's probably expired.
I got one, it was an hour, an hour in a helicopter.
That was it, just an hour.
There was no, there was no mention of a pilot or...
LAUGHTER ..they would take you anywhere
or whether it would even take off the ground.
You just sort of sit in a helicopter.
- Someone outside going... - MIMICS HELICOPTER NOISES
"Ooh, hang on, what's that do?"
"Right, out! Come on, that's your lot."
- Poor Bill. - I never redeemed it, it was a shame.
- What were the first gift certificates? - Book tokens.
Well done, sir. Introduced in 1932 by a man called Raymond
who was a publisher who was rather disappointed to see one Christmas
when he saw all these presents amongst his friends and family,
only three were books, and he realised the reason was
that people are not confident about giving books
because they couldn't be sure that the recipient would like that book
so he thought why not just give them something that is good
for any book they like, which is what a book token is.
So there we are, that's them. Moving on.
What's the best way to find out
if one of your guests is drunk without...?
LAUGHTER
Wait, hold on!
- Where the...? How have you got this? - We were in the cupboard.
What the hell?
I have no memory of this.
What's the best way to find out if someone's drunk
- without using a breathalyser? - I... - No breathalyser allowed.
I would make a pass at them and if they go with it, they're drunk.
- That works? - That's my test, that's lean in for a kiss...
Let's suppose you're a policeman, would that still be your method?
Sure, take down her particulars.
Sobriety test is normally walking in a straight line, isn't it?
- Or walking on a line. - That's right. Especially in America,
states I've been stopped in, they make you do that.
People always act...
People that are acting really normal, hyper-normal,
I think they're loaded.
Yes, because drunk people enounce slightly too perfectly.
- And talk a little too loud. - To show that they're not slurring. - Yes.
When people are acting normal, they are drunk out of their minds.
The British police used to have, and American in some states,
had phrases they asked you to repeat. Tongue twisters.
The Leith police dismisseth us is quite a well-known one.
- Can you say that? - The Leith police dismisseth us.
- No, the Leith police DISMISSETH us.
The Leith... The Leith police dismiss... I can't!
- I haven't had a drink! - You'd be in big trouble.
AS YODA: The Leith police dismisseth us.
You see that's cheating. You can't do it Yoda.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
That's not too difficult.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
Why would you say that in any...? There's no context where...
There isn't, is there?
- A wicket cricket critic, that's what I want. - A wricket critic...
A wicket cricket critic!
- A wicket cricket critic. - A wicket cricket critic. - Yeah.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
managing an imaginary menagerie.
- AUDIENCE: - Ooh!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Researchers at MIT... I don't know why they say this is difficult
but maybe for drunk people it is, "Pad kid poured curd pulled cod."
Doesn't seem that difficult.
- Pad kid poured curd pulled cod. - That doesn't seem that difficult.
The one that I've always thought the most difficult is you can imagine
a mother watching her son who's remetalling the bottom of a pan.
She says, "Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man?"
"No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum."
Alumininming...
Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man?
No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum.
Very good! Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man?
- No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum. - OK, I'll do the beat.
- HE STARTS TO BEATBOX - Are you...?
I can't do it.
Who makes up this stuff?
Linguistic teachers.
- But you would say "aluminiming 'em, Mum." - I wouldn't say any of this.
- You're right. - Unless I was drunk.
You would maybe just go, "Officer, I am drunk."
By the time you've got to this one, you just go,
"You know what? I'll pay the fine."
Now, let's have a look under the Tannenbaum for another present.
And it's Bill's turn.
Oh, my goodness, Bill, you'll be so excited.
Here you go, can you pass that to Bill?
A lot of men like getting tools for Christmas, don't they, Bill?
Where are you going with this? Come on.
No, your present is the most popular tool ever made.
Oh, Piers Morgan.
- All right, let's see your tool. - OK.
Yeah, Bill, let's see your tool.
I'm really looking forward to this tool,
and it's been beautifully wrapped as well, with a snowflake design and...
Don't, oh, no, don't do that!
No, we have to save that for a present for next year.
Oh, brilliant, bubble wrap! Brilliant.
- JIMMY: We've lost Bill for 45 minutes. - Yeah, that's him.
- Put your tongue in. - Oh, sorry.
- Whoo ho, ho, ho! - Put your tongue in? - Do you know what that is?
- It's only a flipping stone axe. - Yeah.
Head, isn't it? Or a...
- It is a genuinely ancient... - A flint.
Not even made by a human being, made before we were a species.
Wow! By some sort of early hominid.
- Exactly. - Homo...erectus? - Erectus is exactly right.
- Homo erectus. - So this is a stone cutting tool, some sort of axe?
Yes. It's called an axe, but you're right, it's a cutting tool.
It's certainly not for stabbing, it's for cutting.
- That is beautiful... - It is absolutely gorgeous. - That is amazing.
They're called Acheulean, or Acheu-layin.
Yeah, they... Is it working?
- It's really good for anything. - No, it doesn't work. - It's good for chopping garlic.
Oh, yeah, garlic, yes. Actually, yeah, go on.
BANGING
Oh, look at that.
APPLAUSE
It's unfortunate...that they didn't invent cardboard for another
- 5,000 years. - Yeah, they had to wait for cardboard, you're right.
- Do you know what, I love this, thank you. - Oh, I'm really pleased. - I love it.
- I thought you might. It is... - I will treasure it always.
That's a Mode 2, a more sophisticated one.
The Mode 1 was called Oldowan, from the Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania,
which is where all the hominids started,
although similar hand axes have been found in Clacton, in Essex,
- which originate from about... - The - '70s. 20 years ago, exactly.
MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISES
We're talking about a people who bleach their anuses
and they're very sophisticated.
- Have you not watched TOWIE? - No.
Oh, yes. No, I have watched that, yes.
- They do bleach or... - They bleach their anuses. - They do. - What is it?
- Anus bleaching is a popular thing amongst... - Yeah.
- Amongst what? - It's so you don't have a rusty sheriff's badge. - Oh!
Argh! Alan Davies!
Alan Davies. Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Merry Christmas! - Hey! - Merry Christmas!
# Wants me for a sunbeam... #
- Gather round the fire. - When I said Homo erectus...
We all know what Alan's an anagram of anyway. So...
- Yeah, Nala. - Nala, yeah, Nala.
An old Peruvian Inca word for anus.
All right, moving on.
Everyone likes a little luxury at Christmas, but what little
luxury did the Sybarites bring along to dinner parties?
- Ferrero Rocher. - Ferrero... - Oooh!
KLAXON
APPLAUSE
Pleased with that one.
There we are. You've heard the word sybaritic, I'm sure,
meaning luxury-loving,
hedonistic, lotus-eating sybaritic lifestyle.
- Luxury-loving. - Luxury-loving. Yeah. - OK.
A very L word. So they're very known for that.
You can see elephants, there's a camel,
they're all the signs of luxury. Gold, drinking...
All the signs of luxury. We live very different lives.
Elephants, camels, you know.
If you came from southern Italy, which is where they came from,
these were very exotic, very expensive, very amazing things.
Would it be spice, would it be salt?
No, the strange thing is...
- It's now, I have to draw a line and say it's too late. - Oh, urine!
- It was chamber pots. - No! - Yes.
They gave the world chamber pots. Because they so loved dining,
they wanted not to have to leave in order to poo and pee.
So they invented something you could poo and pee into while eating.
- Oh! - And then presumably someone would...
Someone else would take it and bring back a clean one.
They invented the person that would take it away.
They also invented the... They had slavery, I'm afraid.
They were a Greek peoples, who lived in southern Italy,
known for their luxury-loving lifestyle.
Also, one of their greatest and most luxuriant leaders,
Smyndirides, was said to be so,
so in love with luxury that he slept on rose petals and could tell
and was not able to sleep if one of the rose petals was folded over.
- Oh! - What a big girl.
You're not going to take that, are you?
- I'm not going to take that. - There, you see.
- I'm going to bleach your anus! - Ho, ho, ho!
APPLAUSE Yes!
Help me, someone...
- So they... So yeah. So... - "I'm going to bleach your anus!"
So, despite their reputation for luxury,
the Sybarites' most lasting invention was the chamber pot.
I can't resist another peek under the tree.
Jimmy, there's a present for you, of course there is.
Oops-a-daisy, I nearly broke the most valuable Christmas tree
- in the world. - Ooh! - Ooh!
- Holy moly, Paul! Paul! - Oh! The thing is, though...
Paul... Paul's got his hand to his mouth.
Go to a break!
You spoilt Christmas!
It's not my fault, it was leaning on the present.
Paul, are you OK?
# It's beginning to look a lot like disaster... #
Paul, at least you can say Princess Leia has handled it.
Could you pass that to Jimmy?
- Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting. - OK.
It's actually rather a traditional present for a young person to get
for Christmas, or at least was in my generation, probably isn't any more.
A young person seems like a stretch now, I'm 41.
- The only way I'm young now is if I die. - Or compared to me.
Yeah, that...
Now...
- Well, you... - What I'm going to ask you to do is stand up,
and if you can, on a box, or at least as high as you can.
- Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better. - No!
You know the principle of siphoning liquid,
where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck
and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into?
- Sure. - You can siphon a chain. So stand as high as you can.
And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker.
- As high as I can, hang on. - Out of the cup. - Shall I go on the desk?
- If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great. - Yeah, why not?
And if you could just jerk out the...the leading...
- LAUGHTER - Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Stephen, just tell me what you need me to do.
- Jerk it out? - Just jerk it out.
And with any luck you'll see a rather astonishing effect
- that seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked. - So jerk that out.
Yeah, out, up and down. As high as you can.
Oh!
Wow!
- BILL: - Look at that, that's amazing!
Dude!
It's going up, it's going up, it's going up.
- Oh! - Oh, it's magic.
Whoo!
- That's pretty impressive. - And that's actual magic?
That is, isn't it? It's the magic of science.
- That's incredible. - What's lovely about that,
and we love this particularly on QI, is that it's a phenomenon
that's only recently been discovered in 2013.
And did someone discover that...? Was it a bath plug?
It was first demonstrated on YouTube in 2013 by a man called Steve Mould
who is a science presenter.
It's had one-and-a-half million hits so far, hope it'll have more.
Came to the notice of John Biggens and Mark Warner,
who are two Cambridge scientists, and they presented a paper
on the way it works to the Royal Society
and they basically argued this - the longer the drop to the floor,
the faster the string of beads jumps out of the pot,
the higher the chain fountains, they call it.
Because the beads are close together they act as if
they were a sequence of little rods, rising out of the pod.
It tries to rotate around its centre of gravity, but it can't,
because the bottom of the pod is in the way
and so it has nowhere to go but upwards.
At least that's the scientific explanation.
That's in real time, that's not speeded up.
It's quite astonishing.
I thought mine was special, there's another one.
I thought mine was enchanted.
The beautiful thing is, everyone now can give it to their children.
That's the thing, you see?
Now to that evergreen highlight of Christmas telly,
it's not A Wonderful Life, it's General Ignorance.
And there's no Great Escape. Fingers on buzzers, please, if you will.
How can the detective tell if someone's used a gun?
# Ding dong merrily on high... #
They're holding a gun.
APPLAUSE
I was going to go with bullet wound.
Well, those are indicators that a gun has been USED,
- how can you tell...? - Fingerprints. - Fingerprints, ah...
KLAXON
Only 5% of guns that are used have residue of fingerprints,
or latents as they're called, as we know from police shows,
but police shows quite wrongly suggest that fingerprints
are a big, big issue in guns, whose fingerprints are on there.
- It's only - 5%. It looks like that's kind of break glass for emergencies.
- It does, doesn't it? - Only 5%?
Only 5%, partly because guns are oily anyway,
partly because they put it away in their pocket
and they get smeared off, and partly because they're careful.
So how do you tell if someone's...?
Powder residue's far more likely on their clothes
if they haven't burnt or thrown away their clothes.
There's a much bigger index, so be careful
if you're planning any incident.
I hate those presents where it's all strapped in like that,
it's so difficult to get the toy out the box.
So you need an old flinty...
- I'm going to be using this at every opportunity. - So, there we are.
What happens to my Christmas souffle
if I open the oven door while it's cooking?
- It'll sink. - Oh, dear.
KLAXON
- Well... - Everyone knows that. - So we've been brought up to believe.
It just isn't true.
If it goes cold it'll sink, but even then it'll re-rise if you heat it up
again and just opening the oven door won't make it sink, it really won't.
- Sorry, what's this Christmas souffle? - I know!
We're trying to make it topical, I agree,
- I've never had souffle at Christmas. - Have you ever had a souffle?
The classic Christmas dish!
One of the things I do know how to cook is souffle.
- Oh, you're good at the souffle? - I'm really good at it.
That's how I entered the cooking field, as it were.
- What was the souffle? What did you go with? - Souffle, I've got...
The best one that I make is cheese, ham and cheese and chocolate.
Chocolate? 28th February is National Chocolate Souffle Day in France.
All right, come on over to my house. Everybody's invited.
Everybody's invited!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
It's actually much easier to make souffles than you know.
That's my big secret.
But everybody's incredibly impressed by them
because they think this whole thing of the timing of it
and the fact they'll sink but they won't.
- Is that girl contemplating suicide? - Don't!
You are one sick melon farmer.
She just looks very sad, she's staring at a gas oven.
If you were a child in an English home in the '70s,
- you would get sent into the gas oven with matches. - It's true.
And that was normal. There was like no health and safety,
get in the oven with the matches and light the gas with your head in.
Eye-level grill.
- Didn't think anything of it. - Death trap. - Death trap.
- That's why you look the way you do, isn't it? - Yes, it is, exactly.
You probably know Bill best from the warning films.
Hey, kids, don't. Look what happened to me, eh?
Anyway, yeah, it is OK to open the oven door to check your souffle.
Well, now, hey-ho, all good things must come to an end
so, when should you take down your Christmas decorations?
BELLS, BARKS AND SILENT NIGHT
- January the sixth. - January the sixth?
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, dear!
I think it's...
- What? - I think it's after the first fight on Christmas morning, you go,
"It's all ruined, it's over!"
12th day.
- Well, the 12th day of Christmas. - The 12th day of Christmas.
What is the 12th day of Christmas?
My true love gave to me...
January the sixth.
Some people think it's January the fifth.
No, well, you see, the tradition is that it's Candlemas Eve.
ALAN SIGHS
- And Candlemas... I know. - You know.
Candlemas Eve where you burn your bleaching vouchers.
And then you lose your racing car trip in a pile of wrapping paper.
It's the first of February. Candlemas Day is the second of February.
The whole idea is Christmas is a gigantic feast.
- The first of February?! - Yeah. Christmas was a huge winter feast.
And you kept the holly and the ivy and all your things up all the way through.
Nowadays we've got central heating and things,
we don't really think about how amazing it was to have pickles
and jams and preserves and dried fruit
and all the things that kept you through winter.
- And it was a great celebration. - And book tokens.
So, Christmas was actually all the way from Martinmas,
which was 11th November, to Candlemas Eve.
Well, that was a long labour for Mary, then, wasn't it?
40 days before Christmas were a fasting season,
they were getting ready for it, and then Christmas...
I find the opposite. You can't fast before Christmas.
You have to get yourself match-fit for the big day.
You can't just go from a normal diet to 10,000 calories,
you've got to work your way up to Christmas
and then you're ready on the big day for, you know,
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and Baileys to start.
You're such a sensible man.
I tell you, the Rice Krispies and the Lambrusco, awesome.
That is a lifesaver, I tell you.
You realise someone's watching this on Dave at four in the morning
going, "We've got those."
- I... - You've run out of Jagermeister
and you have to have a Tia Maria bomb.
So, it's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and Baileys.
My God, that is a calorie delivery system and a half.
HE SLURS: Oh, they're tasty, tasty...
Tasty, oh-oh!
Bill Bailey is the spirit of Christmas.
I am the spirit of Christmas, yes.
I'm sorry, for a sophisticate like you, Carrie, this must be upsetting.
- Oh, such a sophisticate. - You are a glittering sophisticate.
But what, explain to the ladies and gentlemen,
because, you know, we know that there is a separation of church
and state in America, and what that means, of course,
is that Christmas Day is not a particularly special day.
- It's illegal. - In as much as that's a big day for people
to go to the cinema, isn't it?
Well, I don't think it's a special day any more
- and also stores are still open. - That's what I mean.
That's the point, because in American law you can't have a
religious festival being a commercial holiday.
So all your holidays are secular. Memorial Day, Labor Day,
Veterans Day, Thanksgiving Day, none of those are religious,
whereas we, being a still so-called religious country,
we have these days like Christmas which...
No-one would think of going to the cinema on Christmas Day in Britain.
I've read an interesting thing about America recently.
Oh, actually it was in The Unbelievers,
- the brilliant film about atheism... - Oh, yeah. - ..which said that
we've secularised in Great Britain, we've become a secular culture,
whereas in America they've secularised their religion.
So churches in America are more like self-help groups,
they're about this life not the next life, so they've just changed
religion so they're thinking about it in a different way.
That's in The Inbetweeners?
Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah.
Simon Bird said it, yeah.
Do you want a bit off your...? Little bit off your ears.
It's a really interesting thing, though, it is quite a secular culture, America.
Although Americans,
over 60% believe that angels walk amongst us.
- That's in America? - That's in America.
- SHE LAUGHS - Why would they walk?
LAUGHTER
Hold on, hold on, are they cockney, these angels?
COCKNEY VOICE: "Cor blimey, it's a right...it's a right result, this Earth, isn't it?"
"Hello, Raphael."
"Hello, mate. How are you doing, all right?"
"Yeah. You're an archangel, you are."
"I'm infused with the holy spirit, I tell you what..."
"Fancy coming down and walking among them?"
Who makes up that test, though? Who even thinks up that question?
I know. "Where is Copenhagen", for example, was asked to
a group of Americans and most of them thought it was in Canada.
You mean...it isn't?
- No. - LAUGHTER
This is really such a shock to me.
Also, do you know where the rebel base is?
Will you tell us where the rebel base is?
- In your pants, right there. - LAUGHTER
Hey! Whoo!
Ow!
That's why you have to keep it bleached.
That would be a great pair of underpants,
just have "Rebel Base" across there.
- On the waistband. - They're patented...! - Write that down.
"These are the pants you want."
Copyright Alan Davies. Yeah, well done.
So you can leave your Christmas decorations up
until the first of February, for all I care.
So, having reinstated the full 38 days of Christmas,
we now have plenty of time to mull over the scores, and my goodness me,
how fabulous they are.
In first place, with astonishing scoring, five points,
- that's a plus five, Jimmy Carr. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, yes! Come on, five! Five points!
But imagine, on your debut to have a plus score, plus three,
- Carrie Fisher! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Three, brilliant. Three is a lot.
Bill, in third place with a respectable minus six.
Minus six! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There are only 40 days in advent,
but Alan manages minus 46!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It only remains for me to thank Carrie, Jimmy, Bill and...
Oh, wait a second, wait a second,
there's one little boy here who still hasn't had a present.
- ALL: Aw! - But here's Santa!
Hello, Santa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, Santa, what have you got for Alan?
Have a feel in Santa's sack, Alan.
What can you... Have a feel. What can you... What's in there?
- Ping pong balls. - Ping pong balls.
I know a very exciting thing you can do with ping pong balls,
but it's quite loud and quite dangerous.
So, can you all put your ear defenders on?
Look at Carrie's ear defenders.
Carrie's ear defenders are very special.
Ah, you don't know, but you got me through some very difficult years.
I only said that when you had the ear defenders on.
You go in a safe place. Jimmy, Carrie and Bill.
- Sorry? What, what? - And ear defenders on in the audience, if you would.
Good luck!
Alan, you and I are going to the extremely dangerous place.
I mean kind of suicidal.
So put the goggles on before the... Yeah, all right.
And I've got gloves, which you don't need to have.
Right, OK. So here we have the ping pong balls.
We're going to pour in liquid nitrogen,
which is 196 degrees...minus, that is.
Really, really cold. We're pouring it into this bottle.
And it's fine in the bottle,
but if you put it in really hot water, obviously this is gas,
which is in liquid form, and when it heats it'll go back to gas.
But there's so much of it, it'll expand and expand and expand
and the bottle will explode, really rather violently.
So, if you put it in, there's hot water in there,
we're going to add these ping pong balls.
And the moment the bottle goes in... Alan, pop in yours, all of them.
And I'll pop in all of mine.
And then we've got about five seconds! Wow, let's go.
Oh, gosh!
ALL: Whoo!
Oh! It's snow!
Well, ladies and gentlemen...
That is just great.
That was genuinely like all our Christmases came at once.
Ding dong, merrily on high.
And a very happy Christmas to you all!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE