1 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:09,480 2 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:30,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,320 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good 4 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:39,640 evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI. 5 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,120 As you may have noticed, if you've been paying attention, 6 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:46,080 the rest of the series has been devoted to the letter L. 7 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,560 But tonight's an exception, because it's No-L. 8 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,360 GROANS 9 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:56,240 Let's look at my lovely decorations. A big bauble, Bill Bailey. 10 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,520 A big...? 12 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,440 A jolly cracker, Jimmy Carr. 13 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:07,040 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I'm happy with that. 14 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,880 A Christmas fairy, no less than Carrie Fisher. 15 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,200 Yeah! 16 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:16,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,040 And either my chocolate log has melted, 18 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,720 or the reindeer have diarrhoea, Alan Davies. 19 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 20 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,520 There's no need for that! 21 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:26,800 There is no need. 22 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,680 Let's hear their jingle bells. Bill goes... 23 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,040 # Ding dong merrily on high 24 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,360 # In heav'n the bells are ringing. # 25 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:36,560 Jimmy goes... 26 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:41,960 MUSIC: Troika From Lieutenant Kije-Suite, Op. 60 by London Symphony Orchestra & Andre Previn 27 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,360 Oh, that sleighs me. And Carrie goes... 28 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,160 - AUDIENCE: Aw! - Thank you. 29 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:51,400 MUSIC: Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes 30 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,400 Phil Spector's still in prison. And Alan goes... 31 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,760 # Silent night 32 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,960 # Holy.... BARKING 33 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,720 RINGING 34 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,720 # Ding dong merrily on high... # 35 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,840 RINGING 36 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,000 BELLS RING 37 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,800 BIG BEN CHIMES 38 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,920 Now, this series we have an L-themed chance for extra points 39 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,720 in the shape of your... 40 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:27,080 Spend A Penny Bonus! 41 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,240 TOILET FLUSHES 42 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,040 L is for lavatory. If you think a question I've asked 43 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,760 has some lavatorial theme, 44 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,240 all you have to do is wave your Spend A Penny 45 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,120 and if you're right, you get extra points. 46 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,400 Now, I've got a little something for each of you under this tree. 47 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,040 Isn't that lovely? But first, can you tell me what's special, 48 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,440 indeed unique, about this tree? Can you see it? There you are. 49 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,840 - It's small. - It's small. 50 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,840 - Imperfectly formed. - Imperfectly formed. 51 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,240 Was that a normal sized tree and they started trimming it 52 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,600 and then they didn't get it even on that side, 53 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:00,840 went a bit lower on that side 54 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,840 and then eventually they ended up with a twig? 55 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,200 BILL: Is it a vintage one? 56 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,840 - It is, it's been valued by Christie's. - Oh. - Uh-oh. 57 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:13,000 - Oh, hello. Is it a Christie-mas tree? - Hey, hey. 58 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,560 APPLAUSE 59 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,760 I'm playing the... I'm playing the joker! 60 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,800 - It doesn't quite work as lavatorial, but you're on fire. - Ah, thank you. 61 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,320 When you say it was valued by Christie's, that sounds very 62 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,800 impressive, but maybe they went, "That's worth a pound." 63 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,440 Four-figure sum. 64 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,440 - Four-figure sum. - 10.99. 65 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,960 - Does it belong to someone famous? - No. 66 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,560 Has it... Is it one of these things that's been to the moon? 67 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,840 No, it hasn't. These are all good answers. 68 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:42,960 - Yeah. - Really? 69 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,320 You don't know the kind of answers they usually give. 70 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,040 Oh, great answer. 71 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:54,960 - Jesus' personal tree. - Jesus' personal tree, no. 72 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,840 Was that what the gold, frankincense and myrrh was under? 73 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:02,200 Somebody kind of suggested it earlier on, and that's to do with its age. 74 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,000 It's the oldest Christmas tree. 75 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,120 - Oldest what Christmas tree? - Oldest one in the room? 76 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,560 - Fake. - Fake. Oh. - An artificial tree. - A tinsel... - It's the first... 77 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,080 The original artificial tree. 78 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,880 - It's the first ever. It's in the Guinness Book of Records. - Wow. 79 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,840 Christie's have validated it, it was bought for sixpence, 80 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:22,720 that's 6d, which is two-and-a-half pence, in 1886. 81 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:26,520 - What?! - Yeah. - This particular one? - This actual one. 82 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,800 And someone made note of that so that we can now...? 83 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,240 It's been in the same family, that's how we know. 84 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,920 And they keep all their receipts. 85 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:36,920 - It was bought by Lou Hicks and her great-great-niece, Janet... - Oh, Auntie Lou. 86 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,040 There's Lou Hicks on the left, and her great-great-niece, Janet. 87 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:44,040 She died in 2008, and her son, Paul Parker, 88 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:47,240 who's a mathematician, from Bath, is here in the audience. 89 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,040 Paul, hello. 90 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:53,200 APPLAUSE 91 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,400 Oh, my God! 92 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,720 - Paul, you grew up with this Christmas tree? - That's right. 93 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,200 And you knew that it was old? You knew...? 94 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,560 No-one knew it was the oldest until I was grown up. 95 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,760 Everyone was kind of, "Well, that's a nice little trinket." 96 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,880 And then it turned out to be the oldest one 97 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,720 - and everyone else got really interested. - It's amazing. 98 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,920 But all these baubles presumably are not original? 99 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,120 No, they've just been accumulated over the years. 100 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,480 - Did your mother take it to Christie's? - That's right. 101 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,000 And what value did they put on it? 102 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,080 They put a value of about 1,000 on it, 103 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,640 but the thing is, it's anyone's guess, because it's unique. 104 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:28,720 If you're watching, 105 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,480 if you give your address, there may be a burglar watching. 106 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:36,080 - No, that would be, that would be irresponsible. - Bound to be some burglars watching. 107 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,640 Yeah. 108 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,760 - Odds are... - Chances are... - Yeah. 109 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,520 APPLAUSE 110 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,880 You have Christmas trees in America, obviously. 111 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,040 I have a year-round Christmas tree, actually. 112 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:57,520 - Well, you have a house that is just the most... - It's year-round also. 113 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,280 It is bizarre, it is the most bizarre... An extraordinary house. 114 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,520 My house is 100 years old! 115 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,920 - And in America that's like prehistoric. - Wow. 116 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:11,120 So... But Bette Davis lived there, and Robert Armstrong, 117 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,240 - who was in King Kong. - Yeah, and your mother lives there, Debbie Reynolds. 118 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,760 - We're neighbours. - She lives in your garage, let's be honest. 119 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,800 - I'm using the American pronunciation of "garage". - Some nights, yes. 120 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,720 Do you know who it was who brought the Christmas tree to Britain? 121 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,360 There's no reason why you should know 122 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,960 but it was Queen Victoria's husband, Albert, who was German. 123 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,400 He didn't introduce it to Britain 124 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,320 but he certainly made it very popular. 125 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,040 He had this German habit of having the Christmas tree decorated 126 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,600 and it just caught on. By 1889, of course, when this one was made 127 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,520 it had become a habit throughout Britain 128 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,360 - and indeed now artificial sales have overtaken real sales. - Really? 129 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,760 - Isn't it sad? Yeah. - Yeah. - Because in America you see... 130 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,440 - Won't be long before e-trees take over. - E-trees! 131 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,920 - Virtual. - Just have a tree on your telly. 132 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,800 You lose so many lovely traditions though, 133 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,240 that lovely January tradition of sort of taking it down 134 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,080 and throwing it over the neighbour's fence. 135 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,520 What you can do is gather them in a little bag, 136 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,360 all the pine needles, and put them in a bath and they scent your bath. 137 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,400 Is that from Prince Albert as well? 138 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,080 We have other traditions from Prince Albert. 139 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,560 - LAUGHTER - Wacky Germans. 140 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,440 I don't know why I grabbed my groin when I said that. 141 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:25,040 - Cos you couldn't reach mine. - Yeah! 142 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,760 APPLAUSE 143 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:34,480 - Debbie Reynolds was in Singin' In The Rain. - She was? 144 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:38,960 Did she never tell you that? 145 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,520 She doesn't come up, no. 146 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,480 - No. How old was she? - I can't stop thinking about it. 147 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,280 She was 19 years old. You'd better stop thinking about it. 148 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:49,760 - She was 19 in that film? - Yeah. - What were you doing when you were 19? 149 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,080 - Nothing, that's right. - Yes. - I was... 150 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,320 She says that Gene Kelly rehearsed until her feet bled. 151 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:59,960 Yes, and she also said that Gene Kelly French-kissed her 152 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,320 and she vomited. 153 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,720 - During? During or after? - So romantic. Yeah. 154 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,520 That's actually a tradition 155 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,560 that Prince Albert brought over from Germany. 156 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,640 - Was that part of the film? - No. 157 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,800 - That's in the blooper reel at the end. - Oh. 158 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,560 They did not... Donald O'Connor 159 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,640 - and my mother were not wild about Gene Kelly. - No. 160 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,320 - Oh, wow. I love this, more of this. - It's great. 161 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,320 Well, but apparently he's not a good kisser 162 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,680 and he didn't have a good sense of humour... 163 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,360 But was Donald O'Connor nice? Was Donald O'Connor a nice chap? 164 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,600 Yes, he was great. 165 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:32,800 Because he's... I love him. 166 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,640 What's...what's Chewbacca like? 167 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,520 MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL 168 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:39,920 MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL 169 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,720 - He also... - Try and ignore Stephen. 170 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,240 - AS HARRISON FORD: - "Laugh it up, fuzzball!" 171 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,880 You must get this everywhere you go, you're going to get it everywhere. 172 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,560 I've gotten used to it, you know. It'll take a couple 173 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,360 of minutes for the navi computer to calculate the coordinates. 174 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:04,920 Yes. No, that's exactly it. 175 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,120 That wasn't even my line and I get... We all started saying those things. 176 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,640 You started to say it, that's right. For the jump into hyperspace. And it goes... 177 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,040 MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISE 178 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,160 I remember you with Harrison Ford where 179 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,160 he said he had a problem with the dialogue. 180 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:22,120 - He said, "You can write this stuff, but you can't say it." - You can type it. - You can type it. 181 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,440 It's very specific. Yeah, no, you cannot say... 182 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,200 "I have placed a couple..." 183 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,440 I can't say mine. "I've placed a couple..." No, no, I can't remember it. 184 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:31,920 Come on, come on, come on. 185 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,280 What is that, what is that speech that I did? 186 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,880 - You'd know it. - I'll tell you what we've done, we've brought 300 nerds. 187 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:39,160 Look that way. 188 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,720 Oh, I know. "I've placed information vital to the 189 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:46,200 "survival of the rebellion into the memory system of this R2 unit. 190 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,200 "My father will know how to retrieve it." 191 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,360 - That's it! - Control, alt, delete. 192 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:53,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 193 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,160 - Beginning of a religion, isn't it? - It is. 194 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:02,080 - It's like Jerusalem 2,000 years ago. - Exactly like that. 195 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,520 "But can you explain to me, please, why is it that C-3PO can speak 196 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,760 "two billion languages but not English 197 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,000 "without a proper intonation?" 198 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,200 - It's all up here. - "It's so wrong, all the way he talks." 199 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:19,960 Anyway, we've to thank, of course, Paul, for his fantastic, trusting 200 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:24,160 nature, in letting us look after his exceptionally valuable tree. 201 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,960 The oldest artificial tree in the world. Authenticated. 202 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,040 Thank you, Paul. 203 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,440 APPLAUSE 204 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,640 Now you'll notice... 205 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,560 You'll notice that like any tree, it has presents around it. Carrie, I have a present for you. 206 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:43,040 And I want to know which imperial princess was responsible for it. 207 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:45,320 So you can open it, literally on camera. 208 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,040 It's from an imperial princess. 209 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,960 Well, see, I've taken my glasses. Does... 210 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:54,880 - Do you want... You can put your glasses on for this moment, if it really... - Thank you. - Ah, poor you. 211 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,960 I've no idea where I am. Oh! 212 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,600 I thought we were alone! 213 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,880 All right. 214 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,440 Oh! 215 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,640 Can you see the picture of it there? We've got a video slide, so... 216 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:11,920 M&Ms? 217 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,240 - The original tin. - Shall I open it now? 218 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,680 The original tin. The oldest M&M tin in the world. 219 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,080 Do you want to show the audience what you've got there? 220 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:26,000 "With our best wishes for Christmas 1914. 221 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:30,120 "May God protect you and bring you home safe." 222 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,000 So what could that be, Christmas 1914, 100 years ago? 223 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,440 I think it could be stolen, Stephen, where did you get this? 224 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,520 - Was it...? - Let me just say there are over two million of them made. 225 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,520 Are these care packages sent to the troops? 226 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,360 They are indeed. On the left, she's less well-known than... 227 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,040 The guy on the right was George the...? 228 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,160 You aren't to know, it's not your business. 229 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,840 You think of George the Tyrant before George III. 230 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,200 - No, George Lucas. - Yeah, George Lucas! 231 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,520 I stand by what I said, George the Tyrant. 232 00:11:58,520 --> 00:11:59,800 No, I'm sure he was a darling. 233 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,120 That's George V, as it happens, who looks exactly like his cousin, 234 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,840 - Nicholas of Russia, who was killed by Lenin. - Right. 235 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:09,080 Well, not personally. And his daughter, Mary, 236 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,160 wanted to send the troops at the front a present. 237 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,920 She wanted to pay for it herself, out of her own allowance, to send 238 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:18,400 all the troops at the front a brass box with a Christmas card, 239 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,320 signed by her mother and her father, 240 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,880 - George RI, Rex Imperator, King Emperor. - Oh. 241 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,240 And there was tobacco for those who smoked pipes 242 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,280 and cigarettes for those who smoked cigarettes. And there were sweets 243 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:33,000 and spices for those who were in the Indian army. Sweets and, rather 244 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:37,120 unpleasantly, a silver pencil in the shape of a bullet, for boys who 245 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,520 were not old enough to smoke, and for those who were non-combatants. 246 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:44,920 I wonder, did Vader send something similar to all the stormtroopers? 247 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:48,000 No, no, I think he sent strippers. 248 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:55,200 Virtual strippers to the troopers. Say that three times fast. 249 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,560 Do they have this, like, in a museum somewhere, of the...? 250 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,320 Well, its rarity is not enormous, because originally 251 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,960 she wanted everyone of the British Empire's armed services 252 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,160 afloat or at the front to have this present at Christmas. 253 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,840 And that was 355,000 boxes successfully 254 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,400 delivered by the deadline. 255 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,680 But then the eligibility was extended to include everybody 256 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,720 who was wearing the King's uniform on Christmas Day in 1914. 257 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:23,600 Which is a huge increase. Which was 2,620,019 servicemen. 258 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,280 - That's a lot of uniforms. - A lot of uniforms, but a lot of brass. 259 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,920 - So there was a brass shortage. - Buttons, a lot of buttons. 260 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:32,760 Well, yeah, buttons, of course, but the actual box that Carrie's got 261 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,440 is made of brass, so they had to make over two million of them, 262 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,520 - and there was a brass shortage, and... - Oh! - Yeah. 263 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:39,680 Also there was a war on. 264 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:43,480 And there was a war on, so brass was needed for the casing of bullets and for other things. 265 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,800 There was a huge extra order of brass made from America 266 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:49,120 and Canada, and one of the largest consignments was the Lusitania, 267 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,520 which was sunk. 268 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:54,640 So that held up production of these boxes. 269 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,920 Now, here's a rather more individual present. 270 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,880 What did St Bernard get from the Virgin Mary 271 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,200 that wasn't just for Christmas? 272 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:06,520 It's not just for Christmas, it's for life 273 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:11,120 therefore it must be a bottle of brandy. No! 274 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,120 Er, a St Bernard dog, I'm going to say. 275 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,000 Come on! KLAXON 276 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,360 Oh! 277 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,840 - KLAXON - It's actually rather weirder. 278 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:25,480 And with all the deepest respect to the Romish church, 279 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:29,720 it's not untypical of some of their oddest moments of saint worship. 280 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:34,480 - Oh... - She was a virgin, if we accept that she was a virgin, and gave birth. 281 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,480 It seems a bit unbelievable now, doesn't it? 282 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,880 I believe in miracles, you sexy thing... 283 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,640 - ..you may remember was a line from Hot Chocolate. - Fine. 284 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:47,360 - You can't make hot chocolate without...? Chocolate and...? - Milk. 285 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,840 - Milk. - And a kettle. - Milk. - Milk. - Milk. 286 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,600 She's a virgin, she's given birth. 287 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,720 - Oh, she gave him milk. - Breast milk. - She lactated right into his mouth. 288 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,000 But she was a virgin. 289 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,280 - And there was a painter present! - Wow! 290 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,800 - She's a hell of an aim. - Look at that! 291 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,120 - What a shot. - Phewee. 292 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:09,760 And the milk is supposed to represent...wisdom. 293 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:13,000 Wait a second. I just want to get this as a Christmas card. 294 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,120 APPLAUSE 295 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,560 Stay where you are, stay where you are. 296 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,880 - Lovely, thank you very much. - Add that to your photos. - Christmas sorted. 297 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:32,160 I mean, you know, next Christmas. 298 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,360 She's giving a gift to the priest? 299 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,960 He's not a priest, he's got the halo, that strange little spinning disc about him, 300 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,800 - which means that he's already been sanctified. He's a saint. - Ah. 301 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,040 Why is he dressed as a Jedi Knight then? 302 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,560 They were basically a prophecy of what was to come, the saints. 303 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:52,600 - There will come after us... - A movie... - A movie, exactly. 304 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,480 - ..that you'll want... - A franchise. - A franchise. 305 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,520 Mass merchandising. 306 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:01,040 Any old way. That's St Bernard. He was pretty odd. 307 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:05,120 But there were other opportunities that painters had to paint breasts. 308 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,920 Because the painters were pretty limited, they wanted to paint 309 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:11,080 religious paintings. You couldn't get that sexy with Christianity. 310 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,680 - This was one example where you could. - I was going to say. 311 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,880 Well, that, exactly. And then there was of course a myth. Whoo! 312 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,680 And this is a peculiar myth, because it gets weird. 313 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:23,440 - It doesn't look like the milk is really doing him any good. - Well, no. 314 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,240 - I'm just saying. - No, you're right. 315 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,200 Rubens, Vermeer and Caravaggio, 316 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,200 three of the greatest names in all art, all painted 317 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,800 the legend of Roman Charity, as it was called, Caritas Romana, which 318 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:39,120 was a fashionable theme for painters in the 17th and 18th century. 319 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,400 And it tells the story of Chi-mon, or Cee-mon, C-I-M-O-N, 320 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,800 who was sentenced to death by starvation. 321 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:50,560 And he's visited in prison and secretly breast-fed by Pero, 322 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,640 - his daughter. - Ugh. 323 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:53,800 AUDIENCE GROANS 324 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,600 - Yeah. - Well, that's a bit creepy. - It is a bit. 325 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,440 Although, could be worse, you could have got off with your brother. 326 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,280 APPLAUSE Just saying. 327 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,160 I hope you're not feeling bullied, Carrie. 328 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,160 - Not at all. This is... - You know 329 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:17,120 how much into every single cell of our body your work is stitched. 330 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,280 This is actually a scene cut from Star Wars, 331 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:20,320 where... 332 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,760 ..Leia breast-feeds a Wookiee. 333 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,200 MAKES WOOKIEE NOISE 334 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:31,720 So, St Bernard's Christmas tipple was the Virgin Mary's nipple. 335 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:38,760 What's the least imaginative present that you could think of? 336 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,600 Yes, Jimmy? 337 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,440 - Well, it's got to be the gift voucher, hasn't it? - Yes. 338 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,720 The gift voucher, I mean, it's heroically bad. 339 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,960 It's walking into a shop and going, "Yeah, can I...? 340 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,520 "I've got some money here, can I exchange this for...? 341 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,120 "This works everywhere, could it just work in this one shop? 342 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,120 "But could it just be for a limited time period 343 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,080 "with some terms and conditions but worth the same amount? 344 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,560 "Could I make this universally acceptable thing useless?" 345 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,960 Well, without wishing to insult your country, 346 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:14,680 it is the number one present that women want in America 347 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,680 is a gift card. 348 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:21,200 - Are you ashamed of your people? - I'm humiliated for Americans everywhere. 349 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,120 Who invented the gift card? Because it is a terrible idea. 350 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:26,520 If you try to sell it to someone as an idea going, 351 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,000 "Well, look, take the money..." 352 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,680 It clearly isn't, it's 30 billion a year in America. 353 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,480 - 30 billion industry. - And how much of that is actually spent? 354 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,120 Cos I've got a lot of... I've got some Woolies vouchers at home. 355 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:40,000 I'll tell you, in America, only 75%. 356 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:44,240 About a quarter is never redeemed because the recipient forgets 357 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:48,160 or the time period elapses before they get to the shop to redeem it. 358 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,440 - The time period, you know, like money doesn't have. - Exactly. - Brilliant. 359 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:56,240 - I know, it's astonishing. - I've got one at home, I can't find it. 360 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,880 Oh, that's annoying. 361 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:01,120 - It's for a day driving around Brands Hatch or something. - Oh, that is fun. 362 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,480 - Sounded fun. - Yeah. - I think it's probably expired. 363 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,520 I got one, it was an hour, an hour in a helicopter. 364 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,160 That was it, just an hour. 365 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:14,240 There was no, there was no mention of a pilot or... 366 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,600 LAUGHTER ..they would take you anywhere 367 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,360 or whether it would even take off the ground. 368 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,720 You just sort of sit in a helicopter. 369 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,480 - Someone outside going... - MIMICS HELICOPTER NOISES 370 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,840 "Ooh, hang on, what's that do?" 371 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,240 "Right, out! Come on, that's your lot." 372 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,960 - Poor Bill. - I never redeemed it, it was a shame. 373 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,440 - What were the first gift certificates? - Book tokens. 374 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,520 Well done, sir. Introduced in 1932 by a man called Raymond 375 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,760 who was a publisher who was rather disappointed to see one Christmas 376 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,720 when he saw all these presents amongst his friends and family, 377 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,160 only three were books, and he realised the reason was 378 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,600 that people are not confident about giving books 379 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,040 because they couldn't be sure that the recipient would like that book 380 00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,640 so he thought why not just give them something that is good 381 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:03,520 for any book they like, which is what a book token is. 382 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,800 So there we are, that's them. Moving on. 383 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,520 What's the best way to find out 384 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,440 if one of your guests is drunk without...? 385 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,080 LAUGHTER 386 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,320 Wait, hold on! 387 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,880 - Where the...? How have you got this? - We were in the cupboard. 388 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,200 What the hell? 389 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,440 I have no memory of this. 390 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,840 What's the best way to find out if someone's drunk 391 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,480 - without using a breathalyser? - I... - No breathalyser allowed. 392 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,640 I would make a pass at them and if they go with it, they're drunk. 393 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,520 - That works? - That's my test, that's lean in for a kiss... 394 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,440 Let's suppose you're a policeman, would that still be your method? 395 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,600 Sure, take down her particulars. 396 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,560 Sobriety test is normally walking in a straight line, isn't it? 397 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,280 - Or walking on a line. - That's right. Especially in America, 398 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,600 states I've been stopped in, they make you do that. 399 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,120 People always act... 400 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,760 People that are acting really normal, hyper-normal, 401 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,040 I think they're loaded. 402 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:01,280 Yes, because drunk people enounce slightly too perfectly. 403 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,760 - And talk a little too loud. - To show that they're not slurring. - Yes. 404 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:08,800 When people are acting normal, they are drunk out of their minds. 405 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,760 The British police used to have, and American in some states, 406 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,800 had phrases they asked you to repeat. Tongue twisters. 407 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,880 The Leith police dismisseth us is quite a well-known one. 408 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,160 - Can you say that? - The Leith police dismisseth us. 409 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,480 - Can you say that? - The Leith police dismisseth us. 410 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,800 - The Leith police dismisseth us. - No, the Leith police DISMISSETH us. 411 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,920 The Leith... The Leith police dismiss... I can't! 412 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:33,080 - I haven't had a drink! - You'd be in big trouble. 413 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,000 AS YODA: The Leith police dismisseth us. 414 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,320 You see that's cheating. You can't do it Yoda. 415 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:43,520 On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser. 416 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:44,760 That's not too difficult. 417 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,120 On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser. 418 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:51,560 Why would you say that in any...? There's no context where... 419 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,960 There isn't, is there? 420 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,720 - A wicket cricket critic, that's what I want. - A wricket critic... 421 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,920 A wicket cricket critic! 422 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:01,480 - A wicket cricket critic. - A wicket cricket critic. - Yeah. 423 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,160 Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager 424 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,440 managing an imaginary menagerie. 425 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,080 - AUDIENCE: - Ooh! 426 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,400 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 427 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,800 Researchers at MIT... I don't know why they say this is difficult 428 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:19,280 but maybe for drunk people it is, "Pad kid poured curd pulled cod." 429 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,920 Doesn't seem that difficult. 430 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:24,400 - Pad kid poured curd pulled cod. - That doesn't seem that difficult. 431 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,760 The one that I've always thought the most difficult is you can imagine 432 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,800 a mother watching her son who's remetalling the bottom of a pan. 433 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,120 She says, "Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man?" 434 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,080 "No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum." 435 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,480 Alumininming... 436 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,560 Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man? 437 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,640 No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum. 438 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:44,280 Very good! Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man? 439 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,440 - No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum. - OK, I'll do the beat. 440 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,000 - HE STARTS TO BEATBOX - Are you...? 441 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,320 I can't do it. 442 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,280 Who makes up this stuff? 443 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,840 Linguistic teachers. 444 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,960 - But you would say "aluminiming 'em, Mum." - I wouldn't say any of this. 445 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,240 - You're right. - Unless I was drunk. 446 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,480 You would maybe just go, "Officer, I am drunk." 447 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,480 By the time you've got to this one, you just go, 448 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,080 "You know what? I'll pay the fine." 449 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,920 Now, let's have a look under the Tannenbaum for another present. 450 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,200 And it's Bill's turn. 451 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,280 Oh, my goodness, Bill, you'll be so excited. 452 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,160 Here you go, can you pass that to Bill? 453 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:23,840 A lot of men like getting tools for Christmas, don't they, Bill? 454 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,880 Where are you going with this? Come on. 455 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,640 No, your present is the most popular tool ever made. 456 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:29,880 Oh, Piers Morgan. 457 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,720 - All right, let's see your tool. - OK. 458 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:35,200 Yeah, Bill, let's see your tool. 459 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,160 I'm really looking forward to this tool, 460 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,640 and it's been beautifully wrapped as well, with a snowflake design and... 461 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,400 Don't, oh, no, don't do that! 462 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:48,480 No, we have to save that for a present for next year. 463 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,960 Oh, brilliant, bubble wrap! Brilliant. 464 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,040 - JIMMY: We've lost Bill for 45 minutes. - Yeah, that's him. 465 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:56,360 - Put your tongue in. - Oh, sorry. 466 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:59,640 - Whoo ho, ho, ho! - Put your tongue in? - Do you know what that is? 467 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,760 - It's only a flipping stone axe. - Yeah. 468 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,120 Head, isn't it? Or a... 469 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:06,880 - It is a genuinely ancient... - A flint. 470 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,040 Not even made by a human being, made before we were a species. 471 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,120 Wow! By some sort of early hominid. 472 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:15,200 - Exactly. - Homo...erectus? - Erectus is exactly right. 473 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:20,440 - Homo erectus. - So this is a stone cutting tool, some sort of axe? 474 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,280 Yes. It's called an axe, but you're right, it's a cutting tool. 475 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,800 It's certainly not for stabbing, it's for cutting. 476 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,640 - That is beautiful... - It is absolutely gorgeous. - That is amazing. 477 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,520 They're called Acheulean, or Acheu-layin. 478 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,480 Yeah, they... Is it working? 479 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:37,080 - It's really good for anything. - No, it doesn't work. - It's good for chopping garlic. 480 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,400 Oh, yeah, garlic, yes. Actually, yeah, go on. 481 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,880 BANGING 482 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,160 Oh, look at that. 483 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,760 APPLAUSE 484 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:50,000 It's unfortunate...that they didn't invent cardboard for another 485 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,880 - 5,000 years. - Yeah, they had to wait for cardboard, you're right. 486 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:57,160 - Do you know what, I love this, thank you. - Oh, I'm really pleased. - I love it. 487 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,800 - I thought you might. It is... - I will treasure it always. 488 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:02,000 That's a Mode 2, a more sophisticated one. 489 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,800 The Mode 1 was called Oldowan, from the Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania, 490 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,720 which is where all the hominids started, 491 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:12,440 although similar hand axes have been found in Clacton, in Essex, 492 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:17,080 - which originate from about... - The - '70s. 20 years ago, exactly. 493 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,280 MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISES 494 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,520 We're talking about a people who bleach their anuses 495 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,000 and they're very sophisticated. 496 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,880 - Have you not watched TOWIE? - No. 497 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,920 Oh, yes. No, I have watched that, yes. 498 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,880 - They do bleach or... - They bleach their anuses. - They do. - What is it? 499 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,120 - Anus bleaching is a popular thing amongst... - Yeah. 500 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:39,920 - Amongst what? - It's so you don't have a rusty sheriff's badge. - Oh! 501 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,960 Argh! Alan Davies! 502 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,280 Alan Davies. Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas, everybody! 503 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:49,120 - Merry Christmas! - Hey! - Merry Christmas! 504 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:54,400 # Wants me for a sunbeam... # 505 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:58,440 - Gather round the fire. - When I said Homo erectus... 506 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:03,760 We all know what Alan's an anagram of anyway. So... 507 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:07,120 - Yeah, Nala. - Nala, yeah, Nala. 508 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:10,640 An old Peruvian Inca word for anus. 509 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,400 All right, moving on. 510 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,000 Everyone likes a little luxury at Christmas, but what little 511 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,320 luxury did the Sybarites bring along to dinner parties? 512 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,320 - Ferrero Rocher. - Ferrero... - Oooh! 513 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,520 KLAXON 514 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,440 APPLAUSE 515 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:34,480 Pleased with that one. 516 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,200 There we are. You've heard the word sybaritic, I'm sure, 517 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,320 meaning luxury-loving, 518 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,520 hedonistic, lotus-eating sybaritic lifestyle. 519 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,000 - Luxury-loving. - Luxury-loving. Yeah. - OK. 520 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,320 A very L word. So they're very known for that. 521 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,520 You can see elephants, there's a camel, 522 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,640 they're all the signs of luxury. Gold, drinking... 523 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,000 All the signs of luxury. We live very different lives. 524 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,240 Elephants, camels, you know. 525 00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:00,200 If you came from southern Italy, which is where they came from, 526 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,960 these were very exotic, very expensive, very amazing things. 527 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,960 Would it be spice, would it be salt? 528 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,120 No, the strange thing is... 529 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:12,960 - It's now, I have to draw a line and say it's too late. - Oh, urine! 530 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:16,200 - It was chamber pots. - No! - Yes. 531 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,280 They gave the world chamber pots. Because they so loved dining, 532 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:23,280 they wanted not to have to leave in order to poo and pee. 533 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,960 So they invented something you could poo and pee into while eating. 534 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,840 - Oh! - And then presumably someone would... 535 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,360 Someone else would take it and bring back a clean one. 536 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,680 They invented the person that would take it away. 537 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,080 They also invented the... They had slavery, I'm afraid. 538 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:38,520 They were a Greek peoples, who lived in southern Italy, 539 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,080 known for their luxury-loving lifestyle. 540 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:45,240 Also, one of their greatest and most luxuriant leaders, 541 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:47,680 Smyndirides, was said to be so, 542 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:52,520 so in love with luxury that he slept on rose petals and could tell 543 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,960 and was not able to sleep if one of the rose petals was folded over. 544 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,840 - Oh! - What a big girl. 545 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,080 You're not going to take that, are you? 546 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,600 - I'm not going to take that. - There, you see. 547 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,920 - I'm going to bleach your anus! - Ho, ho, ho! 548 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,120 APPLAUSE Yes! 549 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:12,160 Help me, someone... 550 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,640 - So they... So yeah. So... - "I'm going to bleach your anus!" 551 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,000 So, despite their reputation for luxury, 552 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,840 the Sybarites' most lasting invention was the chamber pot. 553 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,840 I can't resist another peek under the tree. 554 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:24,400 Jimmy, there's a present for you, of course there is. 555 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,520 Oops-a-daisy, I nearly broke the most valuable Christmas tree 556 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,040 - in the world. - Ooh! - Ooh! 557 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,320 - Holy moly, Paul! Paul! - Oh! The thing is, though... 558 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,680 Paul... Paul's got his hand to his mouth. 559 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,320 Go to a break! 560 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:39,720 You spoilt Christmas! 561 00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,200 It's not my fault, it was leaning on the present. 562 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:44,000 Paul, are you OK? 563 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:48,120 # It's beginning to look a lot like disaster... # 564 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:53,200 Paul, at least you can say Princess Leia has handled it. 565 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,800 Could you pass that to Jimmy? 566 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,440 - Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting. - OK. 567 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:03,200 It's actually rather a traditional present for a young person to get 568 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,320 for Christmas, or at least was in my generation, probably isn't any more. 569 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,000 A young person seems like a stretch now, I'm 41. 570 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:12,160 - The only way I'm young now is if I die. - Or compared to me. 571 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,520 Yeah, that... 572 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:16,960 Now... 573 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,280 - Well, you... - What I'm going to ask you to do is stand up, 574 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,880 and if you can, on a box, or at least as high as you can. 575 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:26,280 - Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better. - No! 576 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:28,840 You know the principle of siphoning liquid, 577 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:32,440 where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck 578 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,480 and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into? 579 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,240 - Sure. - You can siphon a chain. So stand as high as you can. 580 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:41,120 And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker. 581 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:43,760 - As high as I can, hang on. - Out of the cup. - Shall I go on the desk? 582 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:46,560 - If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great. - Yeah, why not? 583 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:49,440 And if you could just jerk out the...the leading... 584 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:53,000 - LAUGHTER - Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! 585 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,840 Stephen, just tell me what you need me to do. 586 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:58,080 - Jerk it out? - Just jerk it out. 587 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,760 And with any luck you'll see a rather astonishing effect 588 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:04,680 - that seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked. - So jerk that out. 589 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,000 Yeah, out, up and down. As high as you can. 590 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:08,200 Oh! 591 00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:09,600 Wow! 592 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,320 - BILL: - Look at that, that's amazing! 593 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:12,880 Dude! 594 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:16,080 It's going up, it's going up, it's going up. 595 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:17,800 - Oh! - Oh, it's magic. 596 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:21,000 Whoo! 597 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,520 - That's pretty impressive. - And that's actual magic? 598 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,000 That is, isn't it? It's the magic of science. 599 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,040 - That's incredible. - What's lovely about that, 600 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:35,720 and we love this particularly on QI, is that it's a phenomenon 601 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,000 that's only recently been discovered in 2013. 602 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:41,600 And did someone discover that...? Was it a bath plug? 603 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:45,640 It was first demonstrated on YouTube in 2013 by a man called Steve Mould 604 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:47,800 who is a science presenter. 605 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:51,640 It's had one-and-a-half million hits so far, hope it'll have more. 606 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,800 Came to the notice of John Biggens and Mark Warner, 607 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,400 who are two Cambridge scientists, and they presented a paper 608 00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:58,640 on the way it works to the Royal Society 609 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,560 and they basically argued this - the longer the drop to the floor, 610 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:03,760 the faster the string of beads jumps out of the pot, 611 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:05,720 the higher the chain fountains, they call it. 612 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:08,080 Because the beads are close together they act as if 613 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,560 they were a sequence of little rods, rising out of the pod. 614 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,200 It tries to rotate around its centre of gravity, but it can't, 615 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,000 because the bottom of the pod is in the way 616 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,800 and so it has nowhere to go but upwards. 617 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:20,080 At least that's the scientific explanation. 618 00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:22,200 That's in real time, that's not speeded up. 619 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:23,360 It's quite astonishing. 620 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,280 I thought mine was special, there's another one. 621 00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:27,800 I thought mine was enchanted. 622 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:31,680 The beautiful thing is, everyone now can give it to their children. 623 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,200 That's the thing, you see? 624 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:35,800 Now to that evergreen highlight of Christmas telly, 625 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,640 it's not A Wonderful Life, it's General Ignorance. 626 00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:42,400 And there's no Great Escape. Fingers on buzzers, please, if you will. 627 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,360 How can the detective tell if someone's used a gun? 628 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:48,200 # Ding dong merrily on high... # 629 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:50,800 They're holding a gun. 630 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:54,680 APPLAUSE 631 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:59,800 I was going to go with bullet wound. 632 00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:02,640 Well, those are indicators that a gun has been USED, 633 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,400 - how can you tell...? - Fingerprints. - Fingerprints, ah... 634 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:07,680 KLAXON 635 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:12,920 Only 5% of guns that are used have residue of fingerprints, 636 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:15,320 or latents as they're called, as we know from police shows, 637 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:17,960 but police shows quite wrongly suggest that fingerprints 638 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:21,160 are a big, big issue in guns, whose fingerprints are on there. 639 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:25,080 - It's only - 5%. It looks like that's kind of break glass for emergencies. 640 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:27,080 - It does, doesn't it? - Only 5%? 641 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:29,760 Only 5%, partly because guns are oily anyway, 642 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:32,200 partly because they put it away in their pocket 643 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:35,360 and they get smeared off, and partly because they're careful. 644 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:36,880 So how do you tell if someone's...? 645 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:39,400 Powder residue's far more likely on their clothes 646 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,680 if they haven't burnt or thrown away their clothes. 647 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,560 There's a much bigger index, so be careful 648 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,080 if you're planning any incident. 649 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:47,800 I hate those presents where it's all strapped in like that, 650 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,080 it's so difficult to get the toy out the box. 651 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:53,600 So you need an old flinty... 652 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:58,080 - I'm going to be using this at every opportunity. - So, there we are. 653 00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,000 What happens to my Christmas souffle 654 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:02,600 if I open the oven door while it's cooking? 655 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:04,640 - It'll sink. - Oh, dear. 656 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:08,040 KLAXON 657 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:11,040 - Well... - Everyone knows that. - So we've been brought up to believe. 658 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:12,360 It just isn't true. 659 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:16,360 If it goes cold it'll sink, but even then it'll re-rise if you heat it up 660 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,800 again and just opening the oven door won't make it sink, it really won't. 661 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,120 - Sorry, what's this Christmas souffle? - I know! 662 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,640 We're trying to make it topical, I agree, 663 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:28,760 - I've never had souffle at Christmas. - Have you ever had a souffle? 664 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:30,240 The classic Christmas dish! 665 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:32,360 One of the things I do know how to cook is souffle. 666 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:34,720 - Oh, you're good at the souffle? - I'm really good at it. 667 00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:37,480 That's how I entered the cooking field, as it were. 668 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:40,400 - What was the souffle? What did you go with? - Souffle, I've got... 669 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:45,640 The best one that I make is cheese, ham and cheese and chocolate. 670 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:50,440 Chocolate? 28th February is National Chocolate Souffle Day in France. 671 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:53,760 All right, come on over to my house. Everybody's invited. 672 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:55,440 Everybody's invited! 673 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,080 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 674 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:04,480 It's actually much easier to make souffles than you know. 675 00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:06,160 That's my big secret. 676 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:08,240 But everybody's incredibly impressed by them 677 00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:10,600 because they think this whole thing of the timing of it 678 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:12,440 and the fact they'll sink but they won't. 679 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:16,560 - Is that girl contemplating suicide? - Don't! 680 00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:18,600 You are one sick melon farmer. 681 00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:22,440 She just looks very sad, she's staring at a gas oven. 682 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:25,800 If you were a child in an English home in the '70s, 683 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:30,240 - you would get sent into the gas oven with matches. - It's true. 684 00:34:30,240 --> 00:34:33,640 And that was normal. There was like no health and safety, 685 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,400 get in the oven with the matches and light the gas with your head in. 686 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:41,480 Eye-level grill. 687 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:45,280 - Didn't think anything of it. - Death trap. - Death trap. 688 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,640 - That's why you look the way you do, isn't it? - Yes, it is, exactly. 689 00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:53,760 You probably know Bill best from the warning films. 690 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:57,040 Hey, kids, don't. Look what happened to me, eh? 691 00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:03,160 Anyway, yeah, it is OK to open the oven door to check your souffle. 692 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:05,960 Well, now, hey-ho, all good things must come to an end 693 00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:10,000 so, when should you take down your Christmas decorations? 694 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:12,920 BELLS, BARKS AND SILENT NIGHT 695 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,200 - January the sixth. - January the sixth? 696 00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:16,400 KLAXON BLARES 697 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:17,720 Oh, dear! 698 00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:19,240 I think it's... 699 00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:23,360 - What? - I think it's after the first fight on Christmas morning, you go, 700 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,240 "It's all ruined, it's over!" 701 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:27,320 12th day. 702 00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:30,240 - Well, the 12th day of Christmas. - The 12th day of Christmas. 703 00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:32,440 What is the 12th day of Christmas? 704 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:33,760 My true love gave to me... 705 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,440 January the sixth. 706 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:38,200 Some people think it's January the fifth. 707 00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:41,200 No, well, you see, the tradition is that it's Candlemas Eve. 708 00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:42,560 ALAN SIGHS 709 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:45,560 - And Candlemas... I know. - You know. 710 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:50,600 Candlemas Eve where you burn your bleaching vouchers. 711 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:54,720 And then you lose your racing car trip in a pile of wrapping paper. 712 00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:57,920 It's the first of February. Candlemas Day is the second of February. 713 00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:00,200 The whole idea is Christmas is a gigantic feast. 714 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:02,960 - The first of February?! - Yeah. Christmas was a huge winter feast. 715 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:06,200 And you kept the holly and the ivy and all your things up all the way through. 716 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:08,360 Nowadays we've got central heating and things, 717 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:10,960 we don't really think about how amazing it was to have pickles 718 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,640 and jams and preserves and dried fruit 719 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,080 and all the things that kept you through winter. 720 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,480 - And it was a great celebration. - And book tokens. 721 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,080 So, Christmas was actually all the way from Martinmas, 722 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:24,400 which was 11th November, to Candlemas Eve. 723 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:28,400 Well, that was a long labour for Mary, then, wasn't it? 724 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,120 40 days before Christmas were a fasting season, 725 00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:33,400 they were getting ready for it, and then Christmas... 726 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,880 I find the opposite. You can't fast before Christmas. 727 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:38,480 You have to get yourself match-fit for the big day. 728 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,000 You can't just go from a normal diet to 10,000 calories, 729 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,160 you've got to work your way up to Christmas 730 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:45,720 and then you're ready on the big day for, you know, 731 00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:50,120 Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and Baileys to start. 732 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,480 You're such a sensible man. 733 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,640 I tell you, the Rice Krispies and the Lambrusco, awesome. 734 00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:00,640 That is a lifesaver, I tell you. 735 00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,680 You realise someone's watching this on Dave at four in the morning 736 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,640 going, "We've got those." 737 00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:10,440 - I... - You've run out of Jagermeister 738 00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:12,720 and you have to have a Tia Maria bomb. 739 00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:15,040 So, it's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and Baileys. 740 00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:18,720 My God, that is a calorie delivery system and a half. 741 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:21,640 HE SLURS: Oh, they're tasty, tasty... 742 00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:27,040 Tasty, oh-oh! 743 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,440 Bill Bailey is the spirit of Christmas. 744 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:32,120 I am the spirit of Christmas, yes. 745 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:35,360 I'm sorry, for a sophisticate like you, Carrie, this must be upsetting. 746 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:37,960 - Oh, such a sophisticate. - You are a glittering sophisticate. 747 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,000 But what, explain to the ladies and gentlemen, 748 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,680 because, you know, we know that there is a separation of church 749 00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:45,360 and state in America, and what that means, of course, 750 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:48,240 is that Christmas Day is not a particularly special day. 751 00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:51,200 - It's illegal. - In as much as that's a big day for people 752 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:52,880 to go to the cinema, isn't it? 753 00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,280 Well, I don't think it's a special day any more 754 00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:57,440 - and also stores are still open. - That's what I mean. 755 00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:00,000 That's the point, because in American law you can't have a 756 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,800 religious festival being a commercial holiday. 757 00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:05,960 So all your holidays are secular. Memorial Day, Labor Day, 758 00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:09,120 Veterans Day, Thanksgiving Day, none of those are religious, 759 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,640 whereas we, being a still so-called religious country, 760 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,640 we have these days like Christmas which... 761 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:16,600 No-one would think of going to the cinema on Christmas Day in Britain. 762 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,040 I've read an interesting thing about America recently. 763 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,040 Oh, actually it was in The Unbelievers, 764 00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:23,840 - the brilliant film about atheism... - Oh, yeah. - ..which said that 765 00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,800 we've secularised in Great Britain, we've become a secular culture, 766 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,400 whereas in America they've secularised their religion. 767 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,800 So churches in America are more like self-help groups, 768 00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:34,640 they're about this life not the next life, so they've just changed 769 00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:37,080 religion so they're thinking about it in a different way. 770 00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,120 That's in The Inbetweeners? 771 00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,560 Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah. 772 00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:46,040 Simon Bird said it, yeah. 773 00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:48,680 Do you want a bit off your...? Little bit off your ears. 774 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:52,560 It's a really interesting thing, though, it is quite a secular culture, America. 775 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:53,880 Although Americans, 776 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,800 over 60% believe that angels walk amongst us. 777 00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:58,600 - That's in America? - That's in America. 778 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,880 - SHE LAUGHS - Why would they walk? 779 00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:03,440 LAUGHTER 780 00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:11,160 Hold on, hold on, are they cockney, these angels? 781 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:16,040 COCKNEY VOICE: "Cor blimey, it's a right...it's a right result, this Earth, isn't it?" 782 00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:17,760 "Hello, Raphael." 783 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:20,320 "Hello, mate. How are you doing, all right?" 784 00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:22,280 "Yeah. You're an archangel, you are." 785 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:25,640 "I'm infused with the holy spirit, I tell you what..." 786 00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:28,960 "Fancy coming down and walking among them?" 787 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:33,080 Who makes up that test, though? Who even thinks up that question? 788 00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:35,840 I know. "Where is Copenhagen", for example, was asked to 789 00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:40,240 a group of Americans and most of them thought it was in Canada. 790 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:43,640 You mean...it isn't? 791 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:45,280 - No. - LAUGHTER 792 00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:53,120 This is really such a shock to me. 793 00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:55,120 Also, do you know where the rebel base is? 794 00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:58,560 Will you tell us where the rebel base is? 795 00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:01,880 - In your pants, right there. - LAUGHTER 796 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:03,680 Hey! Whoo! 797 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:07,040 Ow! 798 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:09,720 That's why you have to keep it bleached. 799 00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:12,000 That would be a great pair of underpants, 800 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:13,920 just have "Rebel Base" across there. 801 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:17,680 - On the waistband. - They're patented...! - Write that down. 802 00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:20,840 "These are the pants you want." 803 00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:23,560 Copyright Alan Davies. Yeah, well done. 804 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:28,000 So you can leave your Christmas decorations up 805 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:30,080 until the first of February, for all I care. 806 00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:33,240 So, having reinstated the full 38 days of Christmas, 807 00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:36,320 we now have plenty of time to mull over the scores, and my goodness me, 808 00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:37,720 how fabulous they are. 809 00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:41,960 In first place, with astonishing scoring, five points, 810 00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,320 - that's a plus five, Jimmy Carr. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 811 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:48,880 Oh, yes! Come on, five! Five points! 812 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:53,000 But imagine, on your debut to have a plus score, plus three, 813 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,520 - Carrie Fisher! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 814 00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:58,360 Three, brilliant. Three is a lot. 815 00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:01,840 Bill, in third place with a respectable minus six. 816 00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:05,000 Minus six! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 817 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:10,760 There are only 40 days in advent, 818 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:13,080 but Alan manages minus 46! 819 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:15,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 820 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:25,920 It only remains for me to thank Carrie, Jimmy, Bill and... 821 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:28,360 Oh, wait a second, wait a second, 822 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:32,280 there's one little boy here who still hasn't had a present. 823 00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:35,280 - ALL: Aw! - But here's Santa! 824 00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:37,680 Hello, Santa! 825 00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 826 00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:43,080 So, Santa, what have you got for Alan? 827 00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:45,080 Have a feel in Santa's sack, Alan. 828 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:49,960 What can you... Have a feel. What can you... What's in there? 829 00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:51,840 - Ping pong balls. - Ping pong balls. 830 00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:54,440 I know a very exciting thing you can do with ping pong balls, 831 00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:56,520 but it's quite loud and quite dangerous. 832 00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:59,080 So, can you all put your ear defenders on? 833 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:00,760 Look at Carrie's ear defenders. 834 00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:03,880 Carrie's ear defenders are very special. 835 00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:09,120 Ah, you don't know, but you got me through some very difficult years. 836 00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:13,280 I only said that when you had the ear defenders on. 837 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:18,200 You go in a safe place. Jimmy, Carrie and Bill. 838 00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:21,760 - Sorry? What, what? - And ear defenders on in the audience, if you would. 839 00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:23,120 Good luck! 840 00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:26,520 Alan, you and I are going to the extremely dangerous place. 841 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:29,080 I mean kind of suicidal. 842 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:32,040 So put the goggles on before the... Yeah, all right. 843 00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:34,320 And I've got gloves, which you don't need to have. 844 00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:37,360 Right, OK. So here we have the ping pong balls. 845 00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:40,000 We're going to pour in liquid nitrogen, 846 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,960 which is 196 degrees...minus, that is. 847 00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:46,040 Really, really cold. We're pouring it into this bottle. 848 00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:48,040 And it's fine in the bottle, 849 00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:52,560 but if you put it in really hot water, obviously this is gas, 850 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:55,600 which is in liquid form, and when it heats it'll go back to gas. 851 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:58,440 But there's so much of it, it'll expand and expand and expand 852 00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,400 and the bottle will explode, really rather violently. 853 00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,480 So, if you put it in, there's hot water in there, 854 00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:05,760 we're going to add these ping pong balls. 855 00:43:05,760 --> 00:43:11,040 And the moment the bottle goes in... Alan, pop in yours, all of them. 856 00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:12,640 And I'll pop in all of mine. 857 00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:15,680 And then we've got about five seconds! Wow, let's go. 858 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:19,160 Oh, gosh! 859 00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:21,040 ALL: Whoo! 860 00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:23,600 Oh! It's snow! 861 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:30,760 Well, ladies and gentlemen... 862 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:32,440 That is just great. 863 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:38,040 That was genuinely like all our Christmases came at once. 864 00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:40,640 Ding dong, merrily on high. 865 00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:42,960 And a very happy Christmas to you all! 866 00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:45,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE