1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,640 QI XL Series L Episode 15 - Long Lost 2 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:27,840 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,120 Bonsoir, guten abend, guten abend, guten abend, guten abend, 4 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,320 good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,400 good evening and welcome, willkommen, bienvenue, 6 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:43,120 nache a QI, where tonight, at long last, it's the Long Lost show. 7 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:45,640 Let's meet the long-trousered Jimmy Carr. 8 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,880 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,920 The long-suffering Claudia O'Doherty. 10 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,480 The long-awaited Suggs. 11 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:04,120 And a lost cause, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,800 And now for some long-form buzzers. Jimmy goes... 13 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:16,840 GONG REVERBERATES 14 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,920 That is long-form. 15 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,840 - I'm not finished. - Thank you. 16 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,160 Claudia goes... 17 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:29,320 SUSTAINED ELECTRIC GUITAR NOTE 18 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,320 It's going to be a very long show. 19 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:34,800 Sometimes we shorten the cues - you'd be surprised. Suggs goes... 20 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,360 OUT OF TUNE SAXOPHONE PLAYS 21 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,000 I thought as much. 22 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,400 HITS DEEP NOTE 23 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,880 That's better. 24 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,040 And Alan goes... 25 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:52,320 FLY BUZZES 26 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,800 LAUGHTER 27 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,600 Ah, ooh, bitter, very bitter. 28 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,960 Now, we haven't been going long and already I've lost a lavatory, 29 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:08,080 so if you spot it, let me know by playing your Spend a Penny. 30 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,000 Spend a Penny and if you're right... 31 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,280 TOILET FLUSHES 32 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,600 ..there'll be points. 33 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,600 If you're wrong, there may be deductions, it's up to me to decide. But that's your joker. 34 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:23,560 So, how could living in a tiny flat stop you from losing your marbles? 35 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,960 - CLAUDIA'S BUZZER - Yes, Claudia? 36 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,560 If you had a very small house, 37 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:31,520 you wouldn't be worried that there was a killer in the next room. 38 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,360 That's something that I worry about in my house. 39 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:35,960 - Do you? - Yes. 40 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,480 But if it was small, very small, one room, I would be fine, 41 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,920 I wouldn't be scared at all. 42 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,920 - Wouldn't you need a Jodie Foster-style sort of safe...? - A panic room. - The panic room. 43 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:50,440 - Well, the whole house is the panic room. - Oh, well, I guess it would be. - If it's a small flat, yeah. 44 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,240 - I guess it is, isn't it? - Yes. So how many points do I get for that? 45 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,320 - I think you may have come in with a rather optimistic frame of mind here. - OK, right. 46 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:03,640 Do you think you watched too many horror films where it's always the phone call came from in the house? 47 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,920 - They're calling from inside the house. - House. - Yeah. 48 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,760 Well, if they're not in the house, they can't get you. Your horror movies sound fine. 49 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,840 There's so many genres and sometimes 50 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,800 - there's the cabin in the woods genre, high school ones, different kinds. - There's camp ones. 51 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:20,280 - Camp ones, exactly. I mean, not camp in the sense of... - No, no. 52 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,320 But camp horror would be quite fun, wouldn't it - 53 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:26,600 "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, you gave me a start!" 54 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,640 I think you've created a genre right there. 55 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,800 I think I may have done. I think I may. 56 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,760 Oh, something just stabbed me in the back! 57 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:41,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 58 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,480 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 59 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:50,000 Let's come back at the same time tomorrow. 60 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,600 What are you doing in the woods? Well... 61 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,400 Behave, all of you. 62 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,800 Now, let's return to the question, which was, Suggs...? 63 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,960 It was why would you be less likely to 64 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,720 lose your marbles in a small flat? 65 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,240 Apart from the fact if you're playing marbles, 66 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,080 - there's less distance for them to go. - That's a very good thought. 67 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,440 It's actually, we're actually being figurative here. 68 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,840 It's a very common thing that happens, when you've gone 69 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:18,320 into a room and you've forgotten what you've gone into it for. You know. 70 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,840 I've had that in...I had that at the Hammersmith Apollo once. 71 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:26,160 Walked out on stage and went, "What have I...? Oh, jokes, right. OK." 72 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,280 Shit. 73 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:30,040 I have a good thing I do so I don't do that, though, 74 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,920 which is, if I'm looking for a thing, so I don't forget what that thing is, 75 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:36,920 I just start saying the thing, so I just go, "keys, keys, keys, keys." 76 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,520 - That's right! - And then I find the keys. Pretty cool. You're welcome. 77 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,720 There was a study at Notre Dame, Notre Dame - 78 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,680 as they call it in America - University, which discovered 79 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:50,960 that the key thing that makes you forget is crossing a threshold. 80 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,960 In other words, going from one room to another. 81 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,400 If you have a one-room flat, it's unlikely to happen. 82 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,280 I don't want to stick on the horror theme too much, 83 00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,840 but if there's a vampire, then, and they're planning to kill you, 84 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,560 - and they have to be invited into the house, by tradition... - Yep. 85 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,680 ..and they cross the threshold, is there a chance when you invite them in, they go, "I forgot why came in." 86 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:11,120 Indeed. Not only that, if they're chasing you from one room to another, 87 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,480 "why did I come into the kitchen?" 88 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,640 - ALAN: - "Bite him in the neck, bite him in the neck, bite him in the neck..." 89 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,560 - "Blood, blood, blood, blood." - That's exactly it. 90 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,520 There's something that happens in the brain. 91 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,800 It may be an evolutionary thing when you move from one 92 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,160 sort of landscape - from a thicket to open country as it were - 93 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,720 the equivalent of a threshold, that for some reason, you no 94 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,760 longer need the same tools to cope with that particular environment 95 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:37,160 or habitat, and so you, you know, we somehow seem to forget it. 96 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,640 But, I mean, for instance, if you were in B&Q, 97 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,200 that's one big room, isn't it? I mean, you don't cross any thresholds. But... 98 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:46,360 True, when you go in there, you do forget everything you were meant to... 99 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,840 - I meant to get those Rawlplugs and the other things... - You forget the day. 100 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,600 - The butt plugs. - The reason why you're alive. - Where the car is, who you're married to. 101 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,160 Why you haven't killed yourself earlier. 102 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,320 Oh, Suggs, Suggs! Let's not go down there. 103 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,680 No, but I'm just saying, it is one big room. I mean, it is a big room, isn't it? 104 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:05,480 Yeah. Well, yeah, crossing a threshold makes you lose your thread. 105 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,440 What's the world's longest living thing? 106 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,400 SUGGS' BUZZER 107 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,120 Suggs? 108 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,360 A giant redwood. 109 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,640 Good answer. Not correct, but good. 110 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,400 They do live a very, very long time. 111 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,240 And it's not a klaxon. 112 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,880 - There was a clam. - A clam? 113 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,200 A clam that some scientists killed last year, that was 500 years old. 114 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,600 - That some scientists killed? - Yeah, it was an accident. 115 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:32,520 But they were like, "Guys, great news, we've found the oldest thing in the world!" 116 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,720 "We killed it, but it's really old." 117 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:38,600 And it was over 500 years old. 118 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,920 This is well over 500 years old. Possibly immortal. 119 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,600 Is that picture a clue? 120 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,360 There is some there, I think, well, you can see... 121 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,360 Shall we have a klaxon? Do you want a klaxon? 122 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,600 What are you going to say? 123 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:50,840 Brucie. 124 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,480 KLAXON 125 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:00,480 The biggest thing in the world, got to have a bit of fun. 126 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:03,920 - Obviously if you're watching this... - Love, respect, everything. 127 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,040 He loves the show. I invite him on, and he just, kind of... 128 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,920 He said, "look, I never went to any school, I don't really know anything." 129 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,720 - He knows loads of stuff, he's brilliant to hang out with. - I know! He's fantastic. 130 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:17,480 The problem with asking him to do things is he lives in a house with a lot of rooms. 131 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:24,000 Just off one of the halls in Wentworth, I think, is where he lives, isn't it, cos that's... 132 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:28,120 - Lichen! - Yes, is the right answer. Lichen. 133 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:32,280 But no... Nothing to do with the lavatory, but we don't count that as playing it. 134 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,160 It is lichen, lichen, there it is. 135 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,200 How many forms of life make up lichen, as it were? 136 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,080 Well, I don't even understand the question - how many forms of life? 137 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,080 Well, you know, sometimes you get symbiosis, which creates what 138 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,800 seems to be one thing but is in fact made up of other things. 139 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,280 - Okey doke. - Things living together, symbiotic. 140 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,720 And this is two organisms, it's fungus and algae. 141 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,880 - Fungus and algae. - Yeah. - Living together. - Yeah, that's right. 142 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,280 - Is it, we're making the worst ever sitcom? - Well, one provides... The fungus... 143 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,440 They're living together but they don't get on. Oh, they're so very different. 144 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,680 Fungus the Bogeyman and Algy, Algy from Biggles. 145 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,840 I've got Ebony and Ivory in my head now. 146 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,440 - Fungus and Algae. - Well, the fungus provides a cosy environment 147 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,680 and the algae has the equipment to photosynthesise, and they live 148 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,680 happily together on stones and in incredible environments. 149 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,560 - That's the oldest thing? - Well, there's a 9,000 years old one in Lapland, 150 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,440 probably the world's oldest living thing, as far as we know. 151 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,600 They're everywhere. 152 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,320 They're the dominant vegetation on 8% of the world's surface. 153 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:29,000 Not just they exist there, they are the dominant vegetation. They can be very tasty. 154 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,360 There's a...Pete Townshend, you know, you remember Pete Townshend. 155 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:36,240 - Indeed. - No, I don't mean Pete Townshend. That can't be right. 156 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:40,240 Go in another room, see if you can remember. 157 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,200 - Pete Waterman. - Aha! 158 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,880 Pete Waterman. Two very different animals. 159 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,560 They are, very different. 160 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,080 That's a very different set of jokes in my head. 161 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,720 - I've got very little in that category. - Neither of them are acceptable. 162 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:54,880 SUGGS: Dear, oh, dear! 163 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,600 So, Pete Waterman, his hobbies. 164 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,000 Model railway collecting. 165 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,040 - Model railways, very good. - Yes, yes. 166 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,960 - Where might you use lichen or...? - All over his face. No, sorry, no. 167 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,960 - I don't know what I thought there. - There's a kind of lichen that's known as Caribou Moss, 168 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,080 so it's a moss-like lichen. And that's it there. 169 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,880 And it's used by model railway enthusiasts for what? 170 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,840 - Grass. - Oh, who put that... To create grass. - Not grass. - Bushes. 171 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,960 - Bushes and trees. - SUGGS: And little furry green wigs. 172 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,680 Hang on a second, can we take a moment to look at that photo and ask 173 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,120 what the hell is going on there? 174 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,160 That feels to me like a zoo with an enclosure that's just gone... 175 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,280 Stick 'em in together. 176 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:33,240 There's been some budget cuts, they can work it out. 177 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,240 You can't put them in with them! 178 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:39,120 - It's so wonderful. Yes, you can. - A lot of those guys need water. 179 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:43,120 - Well, it's very near the coast, as you can see. - How is that near the coast? 180 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:46,040 It's slithering down, all the little waters running down to the sea. 181 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:49,080 Look at the poor fat fella at the back. 182 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,680 Look at him. He's just stranded there going, well... 183 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:54,480 - It does look a bit odd... - Hang on. 184 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,160 "Hello, this feels wrong. Hello? 185 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,160 "I shouldn't be in with the deer. Hello?" 186 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,600 The photographer is giving his usual lie, which is - 187 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,840 "Just one more, just one more." 188 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,800 "Hello? The deer have drunk all the water!" 189 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,880 They are reindeer. 190 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:19,240 FAINT GROANS 191 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:22,040 Come on, that's bloody good! "Rain-deer." 192 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,000 But lichen, "liken, litchen," however you want to say it. 193 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,000 it comes from the Greek, leikhein, to lick, 194 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,600 as limpets they lick rocks, it seems. 195 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,160 That's how people interpret it. 196 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,840 There seems to be no clear consensus as to whether it is lichen. 197 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,880 - Or cane toads. - Or cane toads, exactly. 198 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,640 But as the great performance poet Rory Motion put it, 199 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,440 "You call it liken, I call it lichen, let's call the whole thing moss." 200 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,080 AUDIENCE GROAN 201 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,600 Now what's... 202 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:54,960 What's long, begins with L and gets you sleepy, horny and pregnant? 203 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,280 - Suggsie. - Lunch. 204 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:00,840 Well, that's pretty true. 205 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,920 How do you know the pet name I've got for my penis? 206 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,440 That's just terrible. 207 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,040 Is it Larry? 208 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,920 Is it Larry? 209 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:15,160 "Meet Larry." 210 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,360 I would think it's probably Lancelot. 211 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,400 Oh, my goodness! 212 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:26,880 Well, it's actually called Lancelot, because of all the boils. 213 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,240 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 214 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,000 Hey, they booked me - what were they hoping for? 215 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,000 So it's horny, sleepy...? 216 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,160 Horny, sleepy, pregnant, yeah. 217 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,040 Is it, it sounds like Rohypnol. 218 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,120 No. 219 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,720 Lying down? 220 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,120 Lying down would kind of make you feel all those things. 221 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,680 This is a foodstuff. 222 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:50,280 - That makes you pregnant. - Leeks. 223 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,280 Leeks, good, good, you're in the right area, 224 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:56,240 - you're in the vegetable garden. That's where I want you to be. - Legumes? 225 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,080 - Lettuce. - Lettuce. 226 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,000 - Lettuce is the right answer. - What? - Lettuce. 227 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:07,320 Ooh, look at that. Phwoar! Oh, Stephen, oh! 228 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,160 This is a family show, take it away. 229 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,080 Imagine if those Inuits were here now, eh - forget the lichen, 230 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,880 - let me at that. - What? 231 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:18,040 I would ride that like a stolen bike. 232 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,840 You're bad. 233 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,680 Who gets horny looking at lettuce? 234 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:23,440 Are you now pregnant? 235 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,200 Hippocrates, the father of medicine, 236 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:31,200 as was known, his name lives on in the Hippocratic oath, which is, 237 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,920 "Oh, fuck, I've killed him again!" 238 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,200 Again? 239 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,800 - I've killed another. - I've killed another, that's what I meant to say. 240 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,040 Hippocrates lived on an island which was that shape. 241 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,200 And it was called the island of Cos, 242 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:50,360 but the island was named after the lettuce, because Cos was the Arabic for lettuce. 243 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,560 Cos, it was the Arabic for lettuce. 244 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,040 # Because, because, because, because, because! # 245 00:12:55,040 --> 00:13:00,480 - He described its opiate qualities, as did Beatrix Potter, in Peter Rabbit. - Soporific? 246 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:04,000 - Soporific was exactly the word she used, very good. - Indeed. Yes. - Points for that. 247 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,720 And they very nearly ended up in Mrs McGregor's rabbit pie as a result of falling asleep. 248 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,520 Anyway, yes, lettuce is slightly soporific-making. 249 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,560 However, it's been bred less and less so. 250 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,520 But wild lettuce in really strong quantities. 251 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,960 Rather than, Claudia, it making you feel sleepy, it makes you feel...? 252 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,280 Horny. 253 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,200 Horny. Horny. Horny and bouncy. 254 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,560 - Right. We'll see. - And therefore it's a kind of stimulant, which is 255 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,240 tropane alkaloid, which is the same as is found in cocaine. 256 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,520 And so it can give you a bit of a kick. 257 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,560 I'm getting down the greengrocers. 258 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,160 Well, they did try and sell it in America under names like 259 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:41,000 L'Opium, with an L, and an apostrophe - and Lettucene. 260 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,480 But most were made from ordinary garden lettuce. 261 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,760 It has to be wild lettuce that you find. And it shouldn't be fed to rabbits, 262 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,600 cos it upsets their tummies, actually. 263 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:53,520 Peter Rabbit went back to the garden of the farmer who'd put his own father in a pie. 264 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:59,400 - Yeah. Mr MacGregor. There's kind of revenge in there. - Don't go down there, he put your father in a pie. 265 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:04,280 - Yeah. What he should have said is, - SPANISH ACCENT: - "Hello, my name is Don Peter Rabbit. 266 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,480 "You killed my father, prepare to die." 267 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,880 Big lumps of lettuce in one hand, a shooter in the other. 268 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,600 Victorian picnickers wrapped lettuce around what, for picnics? 269 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,320 - Their penises. - Meat? 270 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,000 That's, if in doubt, it's going to be a knob. 271 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,440 - It is a knob. The word knob is used with this substance. - Butter? 272 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,840 Yes! That's absolutely right. They'd wrap it round butter to keep it cool. Yeah. 273 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,080 Yeah, there it is. 274 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,480 - What do they wrap round their penises? - I don't know. - Butter. 275 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,760 And don't new mothers put cabbage leaves in their bras to 276 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:46,120 - cool their cracked, sore nipples? - Yep. 277 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,040 - I didn't know that, is that true? - Yeah. 278 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:52,400 Cracking... Cracking of the nipple is not a laughing matter. 279 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,240 - No, I wouldn't want... - Not a laughing matter. - Oh, ouch. 280 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,320 And it doesn't make the baby any less hungry. 281 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,280 And is it any easier if you express into a machine, or is that worse? 282 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:02,400 Well... 283 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,920 I don't know all the details. 284 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,120 No. 285 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,080 You agree to do two-thirds of the nappy work, 286 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,320 quite a lot of the driving round in a car when it's screaming. 287 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,040 I just remember the "Argh, ooh, argh!" 288 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,640 But it's a great way for new mums to express themselves. 289 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,760 Quite. 290 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,200 You're really groany today. 291 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,120 Just a joke. Relax. 292 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,600 Anyway, lettuce is good for all sorts of things, 293 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,560 except rabbits, apparently. 294 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,280 What's the world's longest experiment? 295 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,960 QI. 296 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,560 That's certainly possibly the world's longest failed experiment. 297 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:47,360 I've definitely had a couple of double physics on a Wednesday afternoon that dragged. 298 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,280 Hmm, I know what you mean. 299 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,520 This is really quite long for one experiment. 300 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,480 If I tell you when it started, 301 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,200 it may give you an idea of how old it is. 302 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,000 It was started in 1840, at least that's what we think. 303 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,480 It may actually have begun 15 years earlier than that. 304 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,360 And is it still, it's not still going? 305 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,560 It's still going. Yeah. 306 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,120 - Is it on animals? - I think they've got to just call a day on that, haven't they? 307 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,040 Just, that homework is going to be late, is all we know for sure. 308 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:15,280 - Oh, is it curing the common cold? - No, if I said it was a pile, does that help you? 309 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,960 Oh, is it? It's not like continental drift or something, is it? 310 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,400 No, the word "pile" - what does it mean in French? 311 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,520 Oh, pile. 312 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,520 Pile. Yes, in English how would we say that? 313 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,840 JIMMY DOES FRENCH IMPRESSION 314 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,320 Yeah. Battery, the French call the battery a pile, a pile, a heap, a stack. 315 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,680 And this one is in Oxford, in a scientific laboratory 316 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,600 and has been there since 1840. 317 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,800 And as you can see, below it are two domes and a clanger. 318 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,200 And when one clanger hits a bell, it causes a charge to make it go 319 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,640 and hit the other one. 320 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,960 It's rung ten billion times since it was started. 321 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,240 Oh, it's annoying for the neighbours, isn't it? 322 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,400 Fortunately, it's incredibly quiet, 323 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,080 because it's inside a double bell jar. 324 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,960 But the actual battery won't run out for 350 years, they think. 325 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,880 Really? Is someone periodically taking it out and doing that with it? 326 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,840 No. It's not like static electricity. 327 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,080 Are they licking it? How are they keeping it...? 328 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:06,640 They're not quite sure exactly what it's made of, because he didn't make notes. 329 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,360 He wasn't like... Dr Jekyll. 330 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:12,560 - You have to. - I know. - Aim, method, apparatus. 331 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,800 Yeah, I know, you're supposed to keep good notes. 332 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,720 But this was a reverend doctor of experimental philosophy, 333 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,120 which is what they called physics in those days. 334 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,280 He didn't keep those kind of good notes. 335 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,680 350 years. Could these people get in touch with Apple? 336 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,200 Because my phone runs out like about every hour. 337 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,240 I don't think you need worry, there's some good 338 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,880 scientists in Israel who've come up with an extraordinary, 339 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,320 almost you might call biological battery, which they've demonstrated 340 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:41,200 the concept by charging a phone in 45 seconds, fully charging it. 341 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,120 Really very impressive. 342 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,480 It will be ready to go to market in a couple of years. 343 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,920 I'm very impressed with 350-year battery life. 344 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,320 It is damn good, but it's a tiny amount that's needed in order to operate. 345 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,840 They could have done something more interesting with it. 346 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,320 - I mean, say what you want about the Duracell bunny, it's fun to watch. - You're right. 347 00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,080 It has a lovely clang and it goes, you know, something. 348 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:02,320 The Guinness Book of Records, however, gives as the longest experiment 349 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,360 something that is happening down under, which started in the 1920s. 350 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:08,320 Which is a lot more recent, 120 years more recent. 351 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,880 - FLY BUZZES - Yep? - Is it... Is it Neighbours? 352 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,960 A grotesque social experiment that went horribly wrong. 353 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:25,320 Turned out to be a documentary all along. 354 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,120 And Madge was created. 355 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:33,200 Professor Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland has shown 356 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,880 that apparently solid materials can flow like liquids, 357 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:40,600 and he chose pitch, which was used when hot as a sort of tar-like substance, 358 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,600 but when it's chilled down it becomes incredibly brittle. 359 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,840 If you hit it with a hammer it would shatter into thousands of pieces. 360 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,720 But he wanted to prove that it was liquid, so he suspended some over a funnel, 361 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,120 and at room temperature it's moving very slowly, 362 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,680 it's about 100 billion times more viscous than water. 363 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,840 The pitch drop it is called, the experiment. 364 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,560 Now, unfortunately, this really is... 365 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,680 I think they use that in McDonald's milkshakes. 366 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,440 I have a feeling they have a little bit of it in there, cos sometimes it can be quite... 367 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,040 And the brain freeze that goes with it, exactly. Yeah. 368 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,320 It has actually dropped nine times in 87 years. It's once a decade. 369 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:16,000 It's exciting, isn't it? Are there many people still watching? 370 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:20,560 No, the first eight all happened at a time when nobody was watching. 371 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:25,160 And the eighth was being recorded by video camera, but it malfunctioned at the critical moment. 372 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:30,720 And the ninth drop in 2014 snapped off because the apparatus was being adjusted, so it doesn't count. 373 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,240 So that's a very long experiment, 374 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,680 but one which really, unfortunately has never been observed, which is a pity. 375 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,600 - When will they stop it? - I don't think they will. I think... 376 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:42,080 I mean, I don't want to have a go at Queensland, but I don't think there's a lot else going on. 377 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,800 - I think, let's just stick with this. - Cane toads, that's a big problem. 378 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:49,520 - Cane toads, you can lick a cane toad. - Yeah. - What do you mean you can lick a cane toad? 379 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,960 - You hallucinate. - Do you? - Yeah, if you lick the back of the cane toad. 380 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,800 Who found that out, how many toads had they licked? 381 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,080 "This one's good!" 382 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,920 I was told when I was a boy that if you took the wax from a dog's ear 383 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,240 and rubbed it on the engine of a motorcycle, 384 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:10,440 it would melt and go up into you and give you incredible hallucinations. 385 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,200 I tried it and it didn't work. I think someone was... 386 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,840 I think you were hallucinating when you dreamt someone told you that. 387 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,800 I think someone was pulling my leg. You know how it is when kids go, "apparently..." 388 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:25,000 I just love the idea of you with a Q-Tip and a dog going, "Come on. Come on. 389 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,760 "Here, boy. Daddy needs to get high." 390 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,360 You must have done that when you were a kid, surely. 391 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,440 I don't know about the earwax from dogs, no. 392 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,680 There was a certain... It was drying banana skins and smoking that, it was pretty unpleasant. 393 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,920 And then of course I joined a rock and roll band, and things changed quite dramatically. 394 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,360 Yes. You sobered up completely. 395 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:47,080 So, excellent. Yeah. There you go. 396 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,920 That's the Clarendon Dry Pile, 397 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,640 the world's longest scientific experiment. 398 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:55,880 It's been quietly ringing bells in the City of Dreaming Spires for 174 years. 399 00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,600 What use is half a copy of the Daily Telegraph? That's a very pleasing photograph. 400 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,520 Makes your butt look good. Look at that, that looks good. 401 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:07,240 Yes, it does, doesn't it? That is a fine, fine pair of nates. 402 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:11,200 Footballers used to put magazines down the back of their socks, 403 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,280 in the days when you were allowed to tackle from behind. 404 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:18,040 - Well, that's interesting. So to stop them getting hacked. - Where they got kicked in the legs. 405 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:22,320 - Is it, well, they used to put newspaper, fish and chips were... - Yes. - ..sold in newspaper, 406 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,160 and it was because it was the cheapest way to get a clean wrapper. 407 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,320 Absolutely, but I'll draw a line now, 408 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,440 because you'll get it just by default. 409 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,360 It's the Spend A Penny question. 410 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:35,040 - The lavatorial answer. - So half a copy of the... - Daily Telegraph. 411 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,960 - Wow, that's a lot going on... - I know what you're thinking of, 412 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,560 you're immediately thinking of essuyage, of wiping, aren't you? 413 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:42,880 That's not the answer. 414 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:47,400 I'm thinking of something else. At football matches when I was a kid, when people stood, 415 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,480 there was, I think more than an apocryphal side of the fact that 416 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,920 when something warm ran down the back of your leg, there was a fella, 417 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,800 two people behind you peeing in a rolled up newspaper. 418 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,000 So you got past the person in front of you. 419 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,840 He got the blame, but it was the bloke behind him who was actually peeing. 420 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,560 You're too squashed in to do anything about it, 421 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:09,040 but it wasn't that, obviously, and it wouldn't have been the Telegraph at the Chelsea Shed. 422 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,520 - No, I don't think so! - That's where it all went wrong. 423 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,720 It was used until the 1970s as a test, as an index, to test? 424 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:20,080 - Oh, if it could flush away. - Yes? - The length of time spent on... 425 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:25,200 - Not that, that's a very good... - But if you put it down the toilet, flush that away... - If you could flush it. 426 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,200 A lavatory had to be powerful enough to be able to flush down half 427 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,640 a Daily Telegraph. 428 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,960 - That's quite a lot to flush away, isn't it? - Yeah. 429 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,400 - It's a lot to flush, isn't it? - It is, it is. And it's... 430 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,040 Hell of a lot of shit in the Daily Telegraph. 431 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 432 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:40,840 - Very good. - Boom, boom. 433 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,480 Ha, ha, nice one. 434 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:46,640 - Not a unanimous round of applause, I noticed. - Not unanimous, no. 435 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,680 They now use a synthetic sludge stimulant. 436 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,880 - SUGGS: What, to read? - No! 437 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,240 - Christ! - No, that would do it. 438 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,160 - It's in the Daily Mail. - Yeah, that's the Daily Mail. 439 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:01,400 - No, it's... - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 440 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:05,880 It's synthetic sludge stimulant, 441 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,960 a mixture of yeast, water, seed husks, peanut oil, 442 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,600 miso paste and shredded tissue, otherwise known as fake poo. 443 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,880 Unilever developed it for their Domex Toilet Academy, 444 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,000 which is in India. 445 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:21,280 They hope to be able to install 24,000 new lavatories in India, 446 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:24,320 for World Toilet Day, 2015. 447 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:28,560 It's a very important thing though, a third of the world's population don't have a flushing toilet. 448 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:32,960 Absolutely. In India, a staggering 90% of Indians own a mobile phone, 449 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,960 but only 50% have flush loos. 450 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,000 - Yeah. - Priorities, and it's all priorities. 451 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,920 According to insurance claims, a staggering 800,000 mobile phones 452 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:44,080 - are accidentally flushed down the loo in Britain each year. - At least they don't have that problem. 453 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,680 Quite, exactly. 454 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:49,200 - So... - They just needed a packet of vegetarian sausages, take it from me. - Really? 455 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,520 - That would probably be the closest poo replica you can find. - Yes. 456 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:56,240 - But they're absolutely delicious. - I'm sure they are. 457 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,800 So let's go to the Victorians, who are, of course, as always, 458 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,760 more ambitious when it came to the loos. 459 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,800 George Jennings, he was the man. His pedestal vase. 460 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,200 He flushed down, to show its capacity, 461 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:07,840 ten apples, four pieces of paper, 462 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,600 a flat sponge and an apprentice's cap. 463 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,720 Swept away in a single flash at the public debut of his pedestal vase. 464 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,000 It's like The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 465 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:23,920 He install the first-ever public lavatories for the Great Exhibition in 1851. 466 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:29,000 It was a great success and the loos had 827,280 visitors. 467 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,120 How would they know it was that number? 468 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:35,400 - Counting. - Goodness me. - To count everyone who goes to the loo is just ridiculous. 469 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,440 But there's another thing you can count. 470 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:41,000 The amount of water you use? the right of loo roll you use? 471 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,120 - Penny! - These were the first public loos. 472 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:47,200 - You paid a penny. - Spend a penny! - They count the pennies. 473 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,920 They counted the pennies and it came to 827,280. 474 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,920 And for that penny you got a clean seat, a towel, a comb, a shoeshine 475 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,320 and a nice hole in the partition, just in case. 476 00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,960 Er, no. No. 477 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,320 So, anyway, that was the beginning of the euphemism "to spend a penny." 478 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,960 There it began, and still it goes on in some families. 479 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:13,560 What would you do with the world's longest corkscrew? 480 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:17,120 Undo the world's most convivial bottle of wine. 481 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,680 - Well, exactly. That's perfect. - Obviously. 482 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,200 I would make, I would make a sex toy for pigs. 483 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:23,840 Oh, that's very good. 484 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,960 - Because you know about the fact... - The pig's got a little corkscrew... 485 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,280 - ..a little curly corkscrew of a knoblet. - Not just pigs as well. 486 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,600 - Oh, is it not for taking out plugs... - Ducks. 487 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:35,280 LAUGHTER 488 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,840 Have you been looking for someone who goes the other way? 489 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,280 As it were. 490 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 491 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:46,720 Oh, dear. 492 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,960 - I love it when it's a genuine... - I know! 493 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,240 So, this is a helical structure. It's not really a corkscrew, 494 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,400 but it's the longest that occurs in nature. 495 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:55,880 And I have one. 496 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,840 I mean, I say I have one, I don't have one growing about my person, 497 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:02,240 I have one on my person, as it were, now it's on my person. 498 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,000 I can't believe you're being so blase about this, you've killed a unicorn! 499 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,640 - LAUGHTER - Yeah. 500 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,400 - You're a monster! - Oh, JK Rowling gave me permission. 501 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,240 Um, it's not a unicorn, 502 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,680 though some believe the unicorn myth sprang from this... 503 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:19,480 - Is it the narwhal? - Narwhal! Absolutely right. And... - Very good. 504 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,840 - I'm pretty sure that's made up. - Yeah. - What is a narwhal? 505 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,600 - This guy. - There it is. - What? - I know. Isn't it astonishing? - No way! 506 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:28,160 You think it's been glued on by someone at the Natural History Unit in Bristol, 507 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,160 but it is a real creature. 508 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,120 It's a whale, and the word narwhal means dead body, 'Nar' in Norse, 509 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:36,920 because it's a rather grey, unappetising-looking flesh. 510 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:40,520 But what do you think it is? Do you think it's horn, or tooth, or what? 511 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:44,240 - I imagine it's hair, always hair, isn't it? - In this case it isn't, it is actually a tooth. 512 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,840 It's a tooth without enamel. It is a single tooth that bursts out of it. 513 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,200 I mean, it's phenomenal. 514 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,320 And nobody quite knows, A, why it's corkscrewed 515 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:53,800 and what it's for. 516 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,160 The assumption people make, because it's on the male, 517 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:59,320 must be that it's for fighting other males for the right to mate. 518 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,960 But nobody's ever observed two... Oh, well, hang on... 519 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,520 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 520 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,720 No. They rub them together as a bonding thing, 521 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,920 it's not fighting, they don't hurt each other. 522 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:16,080 - Rub them together as a bonding sort of thing? - Yeah. - That's right. - They've been to private school. 523 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:19,720 Keep telling yourself that, Stephen, I don't know who you're fooling. 524 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,920 SUGGS: It's the only way they ever get to chew. 525 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:23,840 They get a grape between them and kind of... 526 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,320 - They're very much the Ken Dodd of the oceans. - They are, aren't they? 527 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,320 They actually eat their food by hoovering it up 528 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,000 and just inhaling it, virtually. 529 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,400 They're not krill eaters, like a lot of the larger whales. 530 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,480 The most common form of death, which is strange, 531 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:38,040 cos you might think they could get out of it with this, 532 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,440 is they get trapped under the ice. 533 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,920 Massive entrapments can sometimes kill as many as 100, which is very sad. 534 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,200 And they're called sassats, these entrapments. 535 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,400 You'd think maybe they could get them down and poke up. 536 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,520 - Exactly, twist open a hole in the ice. - Yes. 537 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:53,080 But it's fascinating that a creature like that, you know, 538 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,040 we think we cover the world with our natural history documentaries, 539 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,040 there are whole channels devoted to it, 540 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,640 and people go out in boats and they're quietly watching. 541 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,160 But we still just don't know what that's for. 542 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:05,960 That's...I think it's nice when there's a mystery about animals. 543 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:11,560 We're very grateful to Raff Fells, who lent us his snooker cue, and... 544 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:14,840 - Maybe they are just attractive to the female whales. - It may be that. 545 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:18,520 - Yeah, it may just be that. - It may be like, ooh, I like your one. - Yeah. 546 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:24,200 - It must be awful when you have to give birth to a boy one. - Ooh! 547 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:28,920 - I think it grows. I hope. - Let's hope it grows afterwards. 548 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:33,560 Yes, anyway. What has a long tail and loses long jumps? 549 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,360 SAX PLAYS 550 00:28:35,360 --> 00:28:38,680 Oh, dear! Seems to be getting worse. Yes? 551 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,200 The conga. The human conga. 552 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:43,200 Of course, you are famous for your congas. 553 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:47,200 Not the conga. But a particular person 554 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:51,000 who had long hair and lost a long jump. It's that simple. 555 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:56,920 My little boy said to me this morning, he's two, he came up to me and he goes, "I'm a dog." 556 00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:01,800 "I'm a dog." And I said, "Can you wag your tail?" 557 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,240 And he said, "I haven't got a tail." 558 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,400 I said, "You haven't got a tail?" He goes, "I'm not a real dog." 559 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:11,320 I like the way he thinks. 560 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:18,640 - They have trained him well. - I do love him so. - Aww! 561 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:23,360 - It's animal kingdom? - It's in the animal kingdom, it's human, I'll give you that. 562 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:27,360 - And it had a long tail? - Mmm. Which made them lose the long jump. 563 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:30,840 - The tail... The tail lands in the sand. - Yes. 564 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:35,480 - And makes your jump shorter. - Exactly. What sort of tail would that be? 565 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,360 - Ponytail. - Ponytail. Yes, and there she is. 566 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:43,840 She made a fantastic jump in the World Championship in 2011. It was 6.9 metres. 567 00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:47,720 She was from Belarus, her name was Nastassia Mironchyk-Ivanova. 568 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,360 And there you can see exactly what happened. 569 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:54,720 A great jump, and that tail counts, I'm afraid, so she came fourth on that basis. 570 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:56,240 Still a good jump. 571 00:29:56,240 --> 00:30:01,320 It looks to me, that photo on the left, it looks as if she is treating that sandpit like a cat would. 572 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,640 But long jump doesn't seem to have changed much. 573 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:12,360 Run along, you bounce off the wooden or whatever it is made of these days, 574 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,880 and you fly through the air and you jump. 575 00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:18,320 Can you think of any innovations that might have been tried? 576 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:20,880 It used to be, in the first Olympics, it was a standing jump, wasn't it? 577 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:22,600 It was the standing jump, yes. 578 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:27,760 But in terms of long jump, they did try a rather obvious innovation to make them go further. 579 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:29,720 SUGGS: Marshmallows. 580 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:32,720 JIMMY: Custard would be interesting, wouldn't it? Custard. 581 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:36,800 It was the jumpers themselves who tried it. They were banned by the International Athletic Federation. 582 00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:39,800 - Springs. - No, that would be good. 583 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,960 Springs, I like that. Very Beano, somehow, isn't I? Very comic. 584 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:45,600 Steroids. 585 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:50,800 What did Dick Fosbury do to the high jump? He revolutionised it. 586 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,400 - He jumped over backwards. - He jumped over backwards, it caused the Fosbury flop. 587 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:56,800 - Were they jumping forwards? - Exactly. 588 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:58,080 They dived. 589 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,080 They tried to somersault in the air, 590 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,320 like someone who has just scored a goal. 591 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:05,400 And they found that that got them further. 592 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:07,800 Unfortunately they tried kind of off-season, 593 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:12,240 - and the International Amateur Athletics Federation... - Landed on their heads. 594 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:17,360 ..saw it happening and ruled, in rule 185.1C, as you well know, 595 00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:22,680 that an athlete fails if he employs any form of somersaulting whilst running up or in the act of jumping 596 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,120 because they thought it was so far off the original. 597 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:27,200 And in fact they would have done that to Fosbury, 598 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:30,800 if Fosbury hadn't been smart enough to save his flop for the actual Olympic Games. 599 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:34,320 He was awarded a gold medal, so it was too late for them to change it. 600 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,520 So if you turn up now with giant marshmallows tied to your feet, on the day, 601 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:39,360 there's nothing they can do about it. 602 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,280 On the day they can't touch you. 603 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,280 Anyway, what human endurance record 604 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:46,840 - gets broken every eight months? - Pregnancy. 605 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:48,920 LAUGHTER 606 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:50,600 Just stop and think now. 607 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:52,800 How is that an endurance record? 608 00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:55,920 Every eight months, on average, the world's oldest person... 609 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:58,960 - Dies. Or something like that. - Brilliant Claudia, absolutely right. 610 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:02,440 Every eight months on average, yeah, the world's oldest person dies. 611 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,560 At the moment they may be the oldest person in the world somewhere in, 612 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:07,920 I don't know, Kazakhstan, or somewhere. 613 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:10,080 - There are certain places... - It's normally Japan. 614 00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:12,760 - Well, Japan is... - It's always Japan. - ..Japan, Costa Rica, 615 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:15,240 nearly always near the sea. Sardinia is another place. 616 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,920 - Bournemouth. - Bournemouth, maybe. - LAUGHTER 617 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:22,360 Who's that? Do you remember her? She is a very extraordinary exception, 618 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,760 who stayed the oldest person for a very long time. 619 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:27,840 She died in 1997, aged 122 620 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:31,520 and 164 days, so 122 and a third and the rest. 621 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:35,280 She was a smoker and she hogged pole position for more than two years. 622 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:38,080 She died in '97, she knew van Gogh. 623 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:39,520 And Bruce Forsyth. 624 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:42,280 - LAUGHTER - And Bruce Forsyth, of course, absolutely. 625 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:43,600 She was a fabulous figure. 626 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:45,840 She said, "the only wrinkle I have, I'm sitting on." 627 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:48,480 LAUGHTER 628 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:52,080 But terrific, terrifically humorous and extraordinary woman 629 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,520 and her name was Jeanne Calment. 630 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,800 And that's exactly where she lived, around Arles. Extraordinary. 631 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:00,440 Lots of olive oil, obviously. That seems to be good. 632 00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:03,400 There are parts of the world where people seem to live unusually long, 633 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,800 they're called "blue zones" and you can see them there. 634 00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:09,400 Loma Linda, Nicoya, Costa Rica, Sardinia, Icaria, 635 00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:12,360 which is where Icarus is said to have dropped into the sea, 636 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:13,680 and Okinawa. 637 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:17,000 All of them by the sea, so maybe seafood is a good thing, 638 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:19,440 and omega 3s which come from, sorry, am I in the way? 639 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:21,840 - I'm just checking Australia. - Oh, no, I'm afraid... 640 00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:23,960 - Doesn't look good, does not look good. - No luck there. 641 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,800 They say it's less dairy, don't they? 642 00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:28,600 Good red wine, good, sort of, ordinary red wine. 643 00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,920 - I'll tell you where a great place to live is, the sea. - Yes. 644 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:34,560 LAUGHTER 645 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,840 - It really feels like... - That's very blue. 646 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:38,960 - ..it really feels like you could last there. - Yeah. 647 00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:41,400 - Highly blue. - Dry land seems to be holding us back. 648 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,760 Is it genuinely a scientific fact about bringing booze home from your holiday 649 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:46,880 that makes it taste different when you get home? 650 00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,640 - I know, it does. - The most delicious old plonk 651 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:53,360 when you're sitting on the beach, you get it home, and your neighbours' teeth fall out. 652 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,320 - It's so true. - There's like, there's only a couple of tastes, 653 00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:59,160 but there's a million different flavours, because it's the nose, 654 00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:03,080 and what you're smelling when you're on holiday is the beach and there's other things around. 655 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:04,640 It's particularly true of cold wine. 656 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,960 And you've got your feet up and you're relaxed and lovely, and it's beautiful, of course. 657 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,800 It's very cold and you're hot, and when it's cold you taste less of it. 658 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:12,440 Chilled Retsina is a perfect example. 659 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:16,880 I do remember being on holiday recently in southern Italy, and this delicious chilled rose. 660 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,560 And I said to the fella after much pidgin Italian, 661 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:21,720 "What is this? It's absolutely fantastic." 662 00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:23,640 He went to his missus and he came back and he went, 663 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:25,160 "it is wine, signore." 664 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:32,280 Stupid English pig. What do you think it is? 665 00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:38,040 I was with a couple in Ischia, and they said, this wine is liquid sunshine, they said. 666 00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:41,400 "What's it called?" And they looked at it, Lachryma Christi. 667 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,360 They turned to me and they said, "What does Lachryma Christi mean?" 668 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:46,000 I said, "It means the tears of Christ." 669 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,440 They went, "My goodness, we shouldn't be drinking this!" 670 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:54,640 This ought to be valuable. 671 00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:56,880 Bloody hell, he was upset! 672 00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:02,800 He must have been gutted. Did they lose at home? 673 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,200 Anyway, sorry. Very strange. 674 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,000 So, anyway, there we are with age. 675 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:10,200 Someone breaks the world's oldest living person record every eight months, 676 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:13,520 which brings us stumbling into the long lost land of General Ignorance. 677 00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:15,440 Fingers on buzzers if you would, please. 678 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:19,680 - What is cryogenics? - Where they freeze someone's head, right. 679 00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:22,640 - No. - KLAXON SOUNDS 680 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:25,120 - Ah, you see? Thank you. - No problem at all. 681 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:28,280 My problem with that is, OK, you get an incredibly wealthy guy, 682 00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,240 like your Walt Disney, and you go, 683 00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:35,320 OK, we're going to freeze your head so they can find a cure for what killed you. 684 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:36,800 Brilliant idea. 685 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,880 Will they be able to find a cure for being decapitated? 686 00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:42,720 So, what is cryogenics, then? 687 00:35:42,720 --> 00:35:46,280 Cryogenics is the study of what happens to things under extreme cold, 688 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:49,160 almost approaching absolute zero, but it's not 689 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:52,600 what happens when you freeze people in order to wake them up again later. 690 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:56,160 Does anyone know what the actual freezing of people is called as opposed to cryogenics? 691 00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:59,360 - Winter. - Cryonics. - Cryonics, well done. Winter, very good! 692 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:03,520 - Cryonics is the right answer. - Thank you. - Clever you. 693 00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,520 So, don't confuse cryonics with cryogenics. 694 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,240 Though it must be said, if you follow the OED online, 695 00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:13,800 they keep up with usage, and in science fiction 696 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:17,600 they use "cryogenically frozen" to mean cryonically frozen. 697 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:21,960 But to be precise, because there is a real study, cryogenics which is very important 698 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,760 for superconductivity and other things, and that's cryogenics. 699 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,320 - Also fish fingers. - And for fish fingers. 700 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,160 So, good, excellent. 701 00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:32,600 Can you name a famous person who is kept in cryonic preservation? 702 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,200 GONG SOUNDS 703 00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:35,800 Walt Disney. 704 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:38,560 KLAXON SOUNDS 705 00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:40,880 You were doing so well! 706 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,400 He was. He definitely was! 707 00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:47,800 - Everyone knows that! - Quite a few people believe in cryonic preservation, 708 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,320 but Walt Disney. I'm sorry. 709 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:53,280 You need to do that in a more Scottish voice. Once again, more Scottish. 710 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:58,960 - SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Quite a few people believe in cryonic preservation, but Walt DISNAE. 711 00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:02,040 APPLAUSE Good! 712 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:08,560 No. He died of lung cancer in 1966 and was buried at Forest Lawn Cemetery. 713 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:13,960 And his daughter was astonished by this bizarre urban myth that Walt Disney was cryonically frozen. 714 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,080 She's going to be even more astonished 715 00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:18,000 when he's thawed out and comes back. 716 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:19,640 Ta da! 717 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:23,120 There is... Probably the most famous person that was cryonically preserved 718 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,760 was Professor James Bedford of the University of California. 719 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,120 Pretty much the father of cryo-preservation. 720 00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:30,800 We'll have to agree to disagree on the definition of famous. 721 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,720 I know, he's famous in one community. 722 00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:34,240 He's not Miley Cyrus, is he? 723 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,520 Who? 724 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:46,280 January 12, 1967 he was frozen, 725 00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:51,200 and amongst the cryonics community, January 12 is known as Bedford Day. 726 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:55,160 That was his name. So he's famous amongst that particular group of people. 727 00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:57,640 Which is not huge, I grant you. 728 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:02,360 Cryogenics is the study of very cold things, freezing dead people is cryonics. 729 00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,600 What colour is the dark side of the moon? 730 00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:08,840 Well, you can't see it, Stephen, so no-one really knows. 731 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,520 Oh, that's not true at all. 732 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:13,720 The dark side of the moon is the part which is dark when it's... 733 00:38:13,720 --> 00:38:16,320 That dreadful Pink Floyd album that won't go out of the charts. 734 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:18,200 - That lasted.... - That thing, yeah. 735 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:21,240 ..a very long time, sold 50 million copies and counting. 736 00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:24,120 But you can see a horned moon or a new moon, 737 00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:26,280 you can see the sliver and then the dark bit. 738 00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:28,080 It reflects, what does it reflect? 739 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,840 It is light, we'll show you a bit of horned moon here. 740 00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:32,440 There's a horned moon 741 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:36,960 and there's a shine on it that comes as a reflection of the Earth. 742 00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:40,680 So, it's actually a kind of blue, but it's not really blue, 743 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:43,640 it's turquoise, according to the Mauna Loa lab, 744 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:45,400 the observatory in Hawaii. 745 00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:47,280 So it has earth-shine, which is turquoise. 746 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,840 That's what the colour of the dark side of the moon is. 747 00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:52,840 - In case you wanted to know. - It's lovely. - Very nice. 748 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:54,040 At least, I say "the moon," 749 00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:55,840 but how many moons does the earth have? 750 00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:58,360 - Oh, God! - Yeah... - LAUGHTER 751 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:02,160 BUZZER Most definitely only one. 752 00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:04,720 - Oh, dear. Oh, dear. - Of course. KLAXON SOUNDS 753 00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:07,320 - It had to be that. - Of course. - Yeah. 754 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:10,760 - It is THE moon, I think I'm with him. - They've changed it. 755 00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:12,400 - KLAXON SOUNDS - They call it... 756 00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:13,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 757 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,520 SUGGS: The one and only moon! 758 00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:22,200 - Well, there are moons around, around other planets... - The moon in June, all them songs. 759 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:26,200 - They're all about "the moon." - There are lots of orbiting objects, aren't there? 760 00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:28,600 - Some of them are far away. - Lots of orbiting objects, yes. 761 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,400 We gave an argument there were hundreds, last time, to confuse you, 762 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:35,640 but there's another argument which seems compelling and interesting, which is that there are none. 763 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:38,680 Which is to say that the moon is not a moon. 764 00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:40,520 - The moon actually qualifies... - Christ! 765 00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:43,080 We've discovered it's turquoise and now it's not there. 766 00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:45,280 - LAUGHTER - No, it's there, 767 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:47,640 but it maybe qualifies as a planet. 768 00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:49,000 A wanderer, a planet... 769 00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,720 Well, the Clangers lived on it, didn't they? We know that. 770 00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:53,640 - Soup Dragon and all that. - That's true. 771 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:57,800 In order to be a planet, the International Astronomical Union, in 2006, laid down definitions. 772 00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:00,000 These were the ones that booted out Pluto, I think. 773 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:01,960 - So, it has to orbit the sun... - Right. 774 00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:05,040 ..it has to be massive enough for its own gravity to make it round. 775 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:08,760 It has to have cleared its neighbourhood of smaller objects. 776 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,000 The moon comfortably fulfils the first two. 777 00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,560 On the third it makes more sense to say that the Earth and moon 778 00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:15,880 TOGETHER have cleared their neighbourhood. 779 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,880 The Earth certainly hasn't cleared the moon, 780 00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:20,520 so they are a binary system, like binary stars. 781 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:23,600 - Like lichen. - Yeah, exactly, exactly. 782 00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:26,600 So, there is a genuine possibility some people... 783 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:28,440 LAUGHTER 784 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:30,880 And the sun's gravitational effect on the moon 785 00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:32,560 is more than twice that of the Earth's. 786 00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:35,080 So we don't have nearly as much gravitational effect. 787 00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:36,880 There is a good reason to suspect 788 00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:40,120 that we are actually in possession of a fellow planet. 789 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,280 All them songs binned, eh? 790 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:47,360 You're a musician. There's a gap in the market. Write a song called The Little Planet Out There. 791 00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:48,880 # Out tonight, the planet... # 792 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,560 Come with me with my planet, Janet. 793 00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:53,760 You know? Come on. The moon in June, and the planet with 794 00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:57,320 Janet Street Porter. 795 00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:58,960 It goes round the earth, though. 796 00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:03,000 - The earth orbits the moon as well. - What? - Yeah. - Does it? - Hmm. 797 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,880 - I know. Go use an astrolabe... - LAUGHTER 798 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,480 So we've been consistently inconsistent about this, 799 00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:11,960 but tonight we're saying that the Earth doesn't have a moon at all. So there. 800 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:15,480 That was a slightly mean question to end on, so let's have a liquid lark. 801 00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:19,240 I've got some liquid here in the form of our very own QI water, 802 00:41:19,240 --> 00:41:21,760 as you can see. And what I'm going to do is pour some, 803 00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,440 I'm going to not use the sporty... Oh, God, I can't even open it. 804 00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,840 I'm going to have to use the sporty bit, there we go. Mmm. 805 00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,960 - There we go. - That's as much exercise as you get, is it? 806 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:33,360 LAUGHTER Oh, so sporty. 807 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,120 What we do is we flatten this card on it 808 00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:37,440 and we turn it upside down 809 00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:39,600 and I want you to try and do this if you can. 810 00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:42,440 And, Oh, God, please work, please work, please work, 811 00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:45,120 please work, please work. There you go, holds up. 812 00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:46,680 Hurray. 813 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:49,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 814 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:52,760 So you should, you should be able to try that. Whoa. 815 00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:56,320 - Terrific, terrific fun. - Yeah. 816 00:41:56,320 --> 00:41:58,200 This could not possibly end in tears. 817 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:01,320 - No, no, try it, honestly. - It could go on and on. 818 00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:04,680 You just, you just turn it over... 819 00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:06,680 There you are you see, it does work! 820 00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 821 00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:14,200 Hang on, so, hang on. And... 822 00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:15,840 - Yay! - Hurray! 823 00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:17,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 824 00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,200 Wahey! 825 00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:26,840 And do you want to know something really extraordinary about this? 826 00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,880 Watch. This should work. 827 00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:30,400 SUGGS: Oh, leave it out. 828 00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:31,960 GASPING AND APPLAUSE 829 00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:36,560 - JIMMY: Shut up! Shut the front door. - How about that? 830 00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:39,600 - That's pretty amazing, isn't it? - You're actually made of magic. 831 00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:40,720 LAUGHTER 832 00:42:40,720 --> 00:42:42,920 - Go on, let's have a look. - Not bad, is it? 833 00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:44,960 SQUEALING AND APPLAUSE 834 00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:50,200 That's why we gave you these! 835 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:51,560 Whoa! 836 00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:53,360 LAUGHTER 837 00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:56,600 - Well, hang on a second. - Oh! - What happened there?! 838 00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:59,880 - I know you know JK Rowling, but how is that done? - So, 839 00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:04,360 on that water-bombshell, at long last... 840 00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:08,760 ..at long last it is time for the scores. 841 00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:10,320 And it's pretty exciting. 842 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:14,160 - In first place, it's Claudia with plus nine. - Oh, my goodness. 843 00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:17,320 - WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you. 844 00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:18,440 In... 845 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,040 ..second place, 846 00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:22,800 with minus eight, is Alan Davies! 847 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:26,400 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much. 848 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,480 In third place, 849 00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:30,480 with minus 16, it's Suggs. 850 00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:32,600 APPLAUSE 851 00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:34,760 Which means our runaway loser, 852 00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:37,040 with minus 37, is Jimmy Carr. 853 00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:39,720 - And this is why! - APPLAUSE 854 00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:41,600 END OF SHOW JINGLE 855 00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:50,560 So, it's goodnight from Claudia, Jimmy, Suggs, Alan and me 856 00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:53,240 and I'll leave you with the last words of the great hotelier, 857 00:43:53,240 --> 00:43:54,840 Conrad Hilton: 858 00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:58,240 "Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub." 859 00:43:58,240 --> 00:44:00,920 Those were his dying words. Goodnight. 860 00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:03,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 861 00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:06,240 WHISTLING