1 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,320 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,160 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:38,640 and welcome to QI, the show that knows that it knows nothing. 4 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,720 Tonight is a litter of landmarks, learning and larceny. 5 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:45,520 And joining me are the larksome David Mitchell. 6 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,240 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,640 The laudable Colin Lane. 8 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,320 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,200 The ladylike Jo Brand. 10 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,160 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:04,920 And the live-in Alan Davies. 12 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,320 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:12,200 So let's hear their buzzers. David goes... 14 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,320 GALLOPING AND GUNFIRE 15 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,160 Oh. And Colin goes.... 16 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,240 WHISTLING 17 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,160 CRASH 18 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,840 Oh, very larky. And Jo goes... 19 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,680 BOING, BOING, BOING 20 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,040 SPLASHING 21 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,440 And Alan goes... 22 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,560 SAWING 23 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,960 SAWING CONTINUES 24 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,600 SAWING STOPS 25 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,880 LAUGHTER 26 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,920 That's it, good. 27 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:06,040 Well, if you've enjoyed QI, do tune in again next week. 28 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:10,480 But don't forget that you have Spend A Penny cards. 29 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:12,040 There is almost certainly... 30 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,680 JINGLE PLAYS 31 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,280 TOILET FLUSHES 32 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,920 ..going to be a question that is lavatorial. 33 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:22,840 And if you Spend A Penny when I ask the question, you get extra points. 34 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:27,720 What about if we actually want to go during the recording? 35 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:31,120 Well, you should find a little bottle and funnel underneath. 36 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,200 Anyway. Now, last question first. 37 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,320 Why don't you do some of the work for a change? 38 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,360 You can talk about one of two things. 39 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:40,280 What about the death of the last American Civil War pensioner, 40 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,280 or the last thing you'd like to see on the London Underground? 41 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,760 Choose. 42 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,880 - Jo? - The last thing I'd like to see on the Underground 43 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,320 is a dying American Civil War. 44 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:55,920 Well, that would, that would put it all into one, wouldn't it? 45 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,000 Yes. Just trying to make it easy. 46 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:02,040 A dying American Civil War, or a dying American Civil War pensioner? 47 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,880 No, a dying American Civil War... pensioner. 48 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,360 Yeah, all right, fair enough. 49 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,880 If you can give me a date as to when you will be able to see 50 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,080 - the last pensioner from the American Civil War. - It was in the 1860s. 51 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,080 - Well, it finished in 1865, didn't it, the American Civil War? - Correct. 52 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,440 - I'll give you a point for knowing the date of the end of the Civil War. - Do I? 53 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,800 - Yeah. - So, more than 100. - CHEERING 54 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,240 And a lady as well! Ooh. 55 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:30,560 More than 100 years after that is unlikely, so I'm going 1962. 56 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,120 Well, that's not correct. 57 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,600 That's very... Because that was... He'd have to have been 58 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,680 a toddler during the American Civil War, and... 59 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:42,280 - He might be 115, I'm thinking. - Well, we're talking about pensioners, 60 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,440 not veterans. The last veteran to die, amazingly, 61 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:49,160 died in 1956, aged 109. 62 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:53,600 - There he is. Woolson, his name was. - And there's the toddler. 63 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,960 And there is a great-great-great-grandchild, 64 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,560 I'd imagine. A lot of them did live well into the 20th century, 65 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,480 because they were teenagers during the war. 66 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,800 So he was the last veteran to die. 67 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:06,800 But pensioners could have received a pension from the United States Government. 68 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:10,440 Because of their fathers, they would still get a pension. 69 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,120 So it might still be ongoing, then. 70 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:16,080 Well, that's the answer. Still alive. 71 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,720 And here tonight! 72 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,480 If only we could say that. 73 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,720 - Yee-ha! - IMITATES GUNFIRE 74 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:26,360 It's only 876 a year, but it's still a pension. 75 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:31,280 And the last widow of a Civil War soldier died in 2008. 76 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,040 - Wow. - The last widow of a soldier. - Yeah. 77 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,680 - In 1934, Maudie Hopkins... - Shut the front door. 78 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,120 ..married an 86-year-old veteran, called William Cantrell, 79 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,280 - who had fought as a teenager. - How old was Maudie Hopkins? 80 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,520 Well, she was pretty old when she died, but um... 81 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:50,280 - No, when she got married. - Oh, she was young. Very young. 82 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,400 - Really? - Yeah. - She was a toddler. 83 00:04:55,560 --> 00:05:00,400 Alberta Martin, who died in 2004, she married aged 21, in 1927, 84 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:04,440 an 81-year-old Confederate veteran, who died in 1931. 85 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,520 She then married his grandson. 86 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,840 That's rather peculiar, isn't it, to marry the grandson of your husband? 87 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,400 How would you feel if you were the son, though? 88 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:16,920 - Yeah, you'd feel cut out, exactly. - She skipped a generation. - I know. 89 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,880 - She was 21 and she married... - Yes, step-grandson. 90 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:25,800 - I see. - It would be odd if she married her own grandson. - Right. 91 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:29,440 - OK. - So pretty surprising that these things can be that close. 92 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:30,800 I remember my father said that 93 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,000 he remembers, as a boy, listening to Sibelius, 94 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:37,200 the Finnish composer, talking on the radio and he spoke about how, 95 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,720 when he was a boy, he had a music copyist, who was an old man, 96 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,080 who'd been a copyist to Beethoven. 97 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,560 My father listened to him giving a radio talk. That's pretty amazing. 98 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,280 - You don't have to go that far back, really, do you? - No. 99 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,880 On a TV show once in England, 100 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,120 I sat two spots away from Alan Davies. 101 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:59,320 - God! - Yeah. - That's a connection that you're going to boast about in years to come, isn't it? - Yeah. 102 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,000 It's pretty incredible. 103 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,440 And he played with his pen for the whole programme. 104 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,400 - LAUGHTER - Yeah. 105 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,680 STEPHEN LAUGHS 106 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,320 - I can't get it off. - Oh, dear. Yeah. 107 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:16,360 So, that's the Civil War answer, the last pensioner who's still alive. 108 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,960 What about the London Underground? 109 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,640 There was something, which is pretty grisly, that I imagine 110 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:22,800 if you're a decent person wouldn't want to see, 111 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,680 but which was seen by people who travelled on the Underground. 112 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,240 It was the last of its kind to happen in Great Britain. 113 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,920 And it's quite odd to imagine something relatively modern 114 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,160 like an Underground system overlapping with this. 115 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,840 - Somebody not looking at their phone. - No, no. 116 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:42,560 2,000 people turned up to watch this event and many of them went by Tube. 117 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,720 - Oh, a public execution. - Was it a hanging? 118 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,960 It was a public execution, the last ever public execution in Britain. 119 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,480 - Well, let's say, you know, the most recent. - Yes. 120 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:55,720 - We live in dark times. - We do. They may well return. - Yeah. 121 00:06:55,720 --> 00:07:00,440 Well, this one was in Newgate, which is now the Old Bailey, essentially. 122 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,320 The Old Bailey is built on the ruins 123 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,720 and the old cellars of Newgate are still there. 124 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,160 And the walk that the dead man used to have to take, 125 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,160 through archways of diminishing size. 126 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,680 And there would be baying and crying outside, 127 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:14,880 and then he'd go across and there'd be a little patch of blue sky, 128 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:18,840 and then he'd ascend the steps and then the rope would be straight around him. 129 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,640 And he was a Fenian, an Irish nationalist. 130 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,560 He was called Michael Barrett. 131 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,720 Many people believed he was actually innocent. 132 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,200 A bomb was placed outside Clerkenwell Prison 133 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,160 in order to blow a hole in it to free a Fenian prisoner. 134 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,560 So it was probably a Fenian who did it and presumably a gang. 135 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,680 He was the only one arrested and hanged, 136 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,080 but on very slender evidence. 137 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,640 But I think the fact of the matter is, you know, 138 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,560 if hanging came back again, you'd get thousands of people 139 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,640 - going to watch it. It'd be like a football match! - Of course! 140 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,040 - If it was open to the public. - It would go viral. 141 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:55,440 I don't think it's going to be that long before they have hanging on Big Brother. 142 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:56,600 Well, there you are, 143 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,520 the death of the last American Civil War pensioner is unusual 144 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,800 because it hasn't yet happened, at least at time of going to press. 145 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,760 And the last thing you'd probably want to go 146 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,480 and see on the London Underground was the last public hanging. 147 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:11,120 Now we move on to L for larceny. Would you rather get an e-mail 148 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,480 from a Spanish prisoner or a Nigerian Prince? 149 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,440 Well... 150 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,040 CRASHING 151 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,640 - A Nigerian Prince. - Why is that, please, pray? 152 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,240 - What? - Why is that, please? 153 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,040 - I have no reason. I... - Oh, I see. 154 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,920 - I'm using the 50/50 rule. - Oh, fair enough. 155 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,840 - Yes, yes. - I mean, they're both pretty bad options, to be honest. 156 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,960 Yes, can you trust a Nigerian Prince? 157 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,560 Have you never had one of those e-mails? 158 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,800 No, no, actually, I don't. No. 159 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:46,480 Of course, Australian internet connection is so slow, you probably don't even get e-mails. 160 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:47,760 You certainly can't... 161 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,640 You certainly can't download movies or anything. 162 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,800 No, look, I mean I love the country. It's not your fault. 163 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 164 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,520 - Listen, Colin... - He's only going over there, 165 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,240 because that's the only place he can get Wi-Fi. 166 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:08,960 It's not your fault. 167 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:13,200 I love the country, but I do love so much to hang shit on it... 168 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,080 as much as I possibly can. 169 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,640 BUZZER 170 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,360 Yeah? 171 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:22,480 I had a letter from a Nigerian person and it said, 172 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:26,400 - ring this number and the number was in Spain, so what about that? - Ah. 173 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:30,480 And it went to a house where I no longer lived, 174 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,200 addressed to the person who owned it before I owned it. 175 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,480 - That's pretty weird. - Saying, you have won four million euros, 176 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,760 or something like this. Ring this number. 177 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,200 - So I rang the number and I said... - Why did you ring the number? 178 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,720 Because, you know, what if it was true? 179 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,360 LAUGHTER 180 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,200 I said, "I just wanted you to know 181 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,160 "that the person you've sent this to doesn't live here any more. 182 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,920 - "I don't know where he lives." - And how did they respond? 183 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,720 They said, "According to the terms of the win, 184 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:04,120 "the winnings can be passed on to the next owner of the house." 185 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,720 So I said, "Oh, well, that would be me." 186 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:13,040 - I said, "This is, this is beginning to sound like a scam." - Did you? 187 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:16,520 And then he said, in a really thick Nigerian accent, 188 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:21,760 in feigned indignation, how dare I suggest such a thing. 189 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:25,280 And I said, "Well, then send me four million euros forthwith." 190 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,600 And he said, "Well, I'll need your bank account details." 191 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,320 - "I don't think so, sonny Jim," and that was the end of that. - Yeah. 192 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,880 Though some people do actually string them along, 193 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:35,600 they're called 419 baiters. 194 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,360 You bait them by pretending that you're really interested 195 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,760 and you waste their time. 196 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,360 And it's called 419, does anyone know the reason why 419 197 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,520 is attached to it? 198 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,920 CRASHING 199 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,520 No. 200 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,800 It's because, under the penal code of Nigeria, 201 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,240 - 419 covers that type of fraud. - The penal code of Nigeria! 202 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,280 All right, OK. Now, now, now. 203 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:03,800 You see what I love about those scams is the enormous sums of money, you know, 204 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,400 they don't just put like six grand, 205 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:10,080 - which most people, let's be honest, might be quite pleased with. - Yes. 206 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:14,880 - But they put sort of 500,000 billion. - Yes. 207 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,800 And so the thing is, like you know, that really cuts, 208 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,240 - I'm just giving them some advice here... - Yes. 209 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,640 That completely cuts down the number of people 210 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,920 - who will believe something like that. - Yeah. 211 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:30,160 Well, unfortunately, they, like all con artists, prey on the most weak 212 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,600 and the most vulnerable, and of course, I suppose, the most greedy. 213 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,680 There's an old rule in conning, in grifting, 214 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:40,000 is that you can never con someone who isn't greedy. 215 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,840 You know, all the great cons require people to want money. 216 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,720 - I was not conned. - No, you weren't conned. 217 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,800 I was just curious to see who this person was. 218 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:50,440 - I wasn't referring to you. - I thought I might get some material out of it. 219 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,480 - Yeah. But... - But the only way I could make it funny was by doing 220 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:57,280 an appalling Nigerian accent, which is apparently "racist". 221 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,360 - ADOPTS ACCENT: - And that would be inappropriate. This you must not do. 222 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,440 - That wasn't it, for example. - Yeah. And I can't do that. - No. 223 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,080 One of the things Nigerians do, which is very pleasing, 224 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:09,760 is they put the stress in very odd places on English words. 225 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,640 So "I am not in that cat-EG-ory," 226 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,400 they will say, and things like that, which I find very endearing, 227 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,760 and I hope that's not patronising, it's not meant to be. 228 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:17,920 - Er, but they... - It is. 229 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:23,800 - They use, deliberately... - Australia, Nigeria... 230 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,600 I'm patronising to everyone in equal measure, I assure you, Colin. 231 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,760 Excellent, excellent. That makes me feel so much better. 232 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,480 - ADOPTS ACCENT: - What we just sent is, is a scam. - So... Nice one. 233 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:35,840 Things like that. 234 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,800 They deliberately use spelling mistakes and bad grammar. 235 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,400 Why would they do that? 236 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:44,320 - To attract Australians. - You are basically right. 237 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,280 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - You've got it. 238 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,640 Ah, now, then! 239 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,520 - That's my one! - No, you can't touch it. 240 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,440 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! 241 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,120 - See. - We already know what Australians are like at losing, 242 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,400 we've known three times out of four. 243 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,040 APPLAUSE 244 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,280 - Colin's possessions. - Yeah. - What's the most recent result, though? 245 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:17,160 - The most recent... Three out of four we'll take, happily. - Yes. Yes. 246 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:20,400 But the reason, sadly, that they tend to use deliberately bad grammar 247 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,640 and spelling is to get rid of people who will spot it 248 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,840 and think it's not real, it's obviously not from a lawyer. 249 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,920 But people who are more vulnerable, 250 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,160 less educated are more likely to fall for it. 251 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,240 So it is all the crueller and meaner for that reason. 252 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,640 Like that word "refund" there, for example. 253 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:40,160 It's really, really cruel, like all cons of that nature. 254 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:41,680 - "Refvund..." - Yeah, exactly. 255 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,920 Have you had the one where you get an e-mail 256 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:47,280 supposedly from a friend saying, "Oh, I'm stuck in Malta..." 257 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,760 - Yes, very much so. - I always send money to those. 258 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,680 Actually, I got one from a friend of mine 259 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,720 and he really was in trouble and I thought it was a scam and he died. 260 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,040 But, you know, you can't win 'em all. 261 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,040 - That's not true. - That's not true, no. - No. 262 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,120 Now, the first part of the question was about the Spanish prisoner, 263 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,480 - does that phrase mean anything to you? Does it ring a bell of any kind? - No. 264 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,000 The Spanish prisoner principle was really the same thing. 265 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,160 It was a letter going all the way back, you're going 266 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,840 hundreds and hundreds of years, from someone who claimed to be 267 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,160 imprisoned by the Spanish, 268 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,520 "Please send me money, I will pay you back 269 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:25,400 "a thousandfold and you can marry my beautiful daughter," and so on. 270 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:26,840 It was a very early con trick. 271 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:30,880 And in 1914, which was the year Nigeria was founded, 272 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,600 the British Ambassador to Spain wrote to the Nigerian 273 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,600 colonial officers warning them about the Spanish prisoner tricks, 274 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,280 saying, "It appears that perpetrators of this fraud 275 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,840 "are still endeavouring to victimise residents of the British colonies. 276 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,560 "The public in Nigeria should be warned to be upon their guard." 277 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,920 So it's possible that Nigerian criminals got this 278 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,160 from their British colonial officers, in fact. 279 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,440 It's a very ancient one. 280 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,040 Now, how do you turn a camel into a mule? 281 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,800 Chop its hump off. 282 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,640 Well, it would turn it into a camel without humps. 283 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,200 WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Cocaine. 284 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,480 - What? - Great that you should know that, 285 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,960 Slightly dodgy that you should know that, but charming. 286 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,760 - Who was it? - What did they say? - They said... 287 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,800 - Who was it who just shouted, "Cocaine"? - "Cocaine." - Yeah. 288 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,760 - Maybe just, you know, they want some cocaine. - Yeah! 289 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,320 You get to the point, halfway through a show... 290 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,320 Yeah, you need a little bit of a lift. 291 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,240 And we've got waiters going around with all sorts of hard drugs. 292 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,280 - Just place your order. - Did you read, there's so much cocaine being used 293 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,920 - in Britain, that it's in the water supply? - Goodness me! 294 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,200 - Yes! - And ibuprofen as well. - Oh! 295 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,400 - Do you? - Yeah, water will numb you and excite you. 296 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,080 Very extraordinary. I knew about banknotes, that's true 297 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,320 - of banknotes, isn't it? - There are banknotes in the water supply?! - No! 298 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,800 LAUGHTER 299 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,240 It's all very complicated. 300 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,280 - Well, there was a little hint shouted out there. - Oh, so... 301 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,920 - When we used the word "mule". - A drug mule. - A drug mule. 302 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,600 So how do you train a camel to be a drug mule? 303 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,240 Just put some cocaine on its back and send it off into the desert? 304 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,440 Yes, but how can you be sure where it was going? 305 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,560 - You'd want it to go where... - Give it a compass. - Well, sort of. 306 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:06,840 This is L for learning. 307 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,480 What you do first is you take the camel on the journey 308 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:14,080 you want it to learn, which can be a very, very long one, all the way, 309 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:18,960 - say, from round about the Red Sea, or, or... - London to Birmingham. 310 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,600 ..all the way to Morocco. 311 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,560 - Right across the desert. - And it only needs one go to learn it? 312 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,280 You do it without feeding it at all and you only feed it 313 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:29,360 when it gets to the end. So it kind of remembers this long journey... 314 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,080 - Yeah, I'd bloody remember that! - Yeah, exactly! Wouldn't we all? 315 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,200 So then, what you do is take it back to West Africa, 316 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,480 where you get your drugs and you load it, 317 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,440 you have nothing to do with it then, you then get a jeep or a plane 318 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,960 up to Morocco and the thing will make its long journey, 319 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,600 you sit in the hotel drinking beer and wait for it to come, 320 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,800 and it will arrive at the place you last left it. 321 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,520 There's something sad about that. 322 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,640 It is very sad, it's very loyal and very good. 323 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,560 So the camels take responsibility if they're caught? 324 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,520 Well, there's no-one else to blame, is there, except the camels? 325 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,120 So all we need now is to train camels to, 326 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,120 you know, check into airlines... 327 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:06,000 - Yes! - Because where you really want to smuggle drugs to 328 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,920 is rich Western countries. 329 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:10,360 You're only a few miles from Spain, and Spain is, you know, 330 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:14,040 a big distribution point for these drugs, so I think that's the point. 331 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,880 - And camels can swim? - No, you then take it off the camel. 332 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,360 You take it off the camel? Right. 333 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,960 - Yeah. - You don't have to take the camel across to Spain... - No. 334 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,920 - ..by water? - No. - Jet ski! - Jet ski? 335 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:30,120 - None of that! - Pedalo? - Pedalo. Exactly. Um... 336 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:34,960 Now, describe the aviation techniques of the Concrete Arrows. 337 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,520 Well, concrete can't really fly, Stephen, can it, 338 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,600 - because it's very heavy. - Well, are you saying a jumbo jet isn't heavy? 339 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,160 Good point. 340 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,000 - But they didn't make... - It needs a lot of thrust. 341 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,560 When you're in an aeroplane, you can hear that noise, 342 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,640 which is them filling it with helium. 343 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:56,200 - I'm assuming that's what the noise is and that's how it works. - Yes, exactly. - Yeah. 344 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,520 We're just waiting for the cabin to fill with helium 345 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,320 and then we will float gently up and then across the sea. 346 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:06,320 Imagine the conversations you'd have in the plane if it was filled with helium. 347 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,480 HIGH-PITCHED: "All right, yeah." "Can I have a cup of tea, please?" 348 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,240 It does stuff to your ears, so that's what you are hearing. 349 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,640 - But it sounds normal. - Oh, yes. Good point. 350 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,680 We look to you for all this information, 351 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,240 we're very grateful for it. 352 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,440 Well, of course, you are quite right in the sense 353 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,320 that there have never been any flying vehicles built of concrete. 354 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:28,160 But there have been concrete arrows that have a great deal to do with aviation. 355 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,120 And we go back to the early days of aviation, in a country that 356 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,240 was expanding perhaps more rapidly than any economy has ever expanded. 357 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,560 - And that was? The place... - America. America. 358 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,280 The United States of America, yes. 359 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,640 And there's a large landmass and they had... 360 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,600 Arrows to show the way across it? 361 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,600 Well, yes, they had, but this was even faster. 362 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,800 - Is that how big the arrows were? - No. No, those would be huge. 363 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,280 - But they were... - They would be huge. - They were big enough. 364 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,880 They had 70-foot long concrete arrows 365 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,760 every ten miles across the USA. 366 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,000 And there's one that still exists. 367 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,760 In 1933 they stopped the programme, because radio advances 368 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,280 and so on had meant they were unnecessary for navigation. 369 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:07,640 But before that, they really needed to find a way that aeroplanes 370 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,000 didn't have to dive down into towns to look 371 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,160 - and see where they were, which before that... - Ask for directions. 372 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,520 - Yeah, basically! - Go down along the high street. 373 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,880 And what was common was that the towns that actually paint 374 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:21,440 the name of the town on a large roof. 375 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,200 Is that what those big, you see roofs with "TEAS" written on it. 376 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,000 - Yeah, well, maybe. - Is that for pilots who fancy a scone? 377 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,400 - Yes, maybe, maybe. - Teas, but no airport nearby, sorry. 378 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,120 But there, yes, the arrows, straightforward. 379 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:37,120 Really simple and it worked. 380 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:39,240 Speaking of things visible from the air, 381 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,760 can you imagine something that the French made 382 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,280 visible from the air to try and win the First World War? 383 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:49,560 Or at least to try not to be utterly crushed by the First World War. 384 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:53,120 - Something for the German spotter planes to see? - Yes. 385 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,440 The fake weaponry, something like that? Wooden tanks or something. 386 00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:00,640 - Was it a great big baguette? - It was a fake something. 387 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,440 - Fake Eiffel Tower? - Well, and more. 388 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,720 - Fake guillotine, fake Paris. - Fake Paris. 389 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,840 A fake Paris, Colin, well done. Finally. Finally! 390 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,560 Come on, Aussie, come on. 391 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,000 CHEERING 392 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,720 And now you've had the pleasure of a whole audience being 393 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,160 - patronising to you. - Yes. 394 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,520 Come on, Aussie, come on. Yes, you're absolutely right. 395 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,480 The French were very worried, as bombing technology was 396 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,560 improving towards the end of the war, 397 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,920 that their beloved Paris was going to go up in smoke 398 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,720 and all the wonderful buildings. 399 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:37,680 So, 15 miles to the north, on a stretch of the Seine, 400 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,560 they built lots of buildings, including a Gare du Nord and even 401 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,680 moving lights to suggest the railway tracks and other such things. 402 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,240 Unfortunately, it was never completed, because they only 403 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,960 had the idea in 1918 and by November of course the war was over. 404 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,840 - Was it to scale? - From the air, yes. I think it was. 405 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:56,880 - Not like that London in Legoland. - No, not like that. 406 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:01,040 They didn't get people over from, like, Hollywood to build it for them? 407 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,120 You'd think they should've done. Or magicians, like Maskelyne, 408 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,680 who did the famous camouflaging of the Suez Canal. 409 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,840 Didn't he also do the fake army in Kent? 410 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,640 I mean, he CLAIMED, actually, Maskelyne, he claimed rather a lot, 411 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,560 that now people think he probably wasn't responsible for. 412 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaking of magicians and flying, you know, before, did you know 413 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,480 that Houdini, er... 414 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:28,400 he made the first powered flight in Australia? 415 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,960 - Oh, I didn't know that! - Yes. - He went to Australia specifically knowing 416 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,520 no-one had ever flown there before, so he could be the first. 417 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,560 - That's right. - That's the sort of bloke he was. - Total showman, yeah. 418 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,160 I did a run in a theatre in Broadway, 419 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,000 which was the theatre where he did his famous elephant trick, 420 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,440 and it has the deepest sub-stage, as they call it, the deepest area 421 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,440 under the stage imaginable, because he kept two elephants there, 422 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,640 And it's called the Belasco Theatre, and it's absolutely fantastic. 423 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,360 - They weren't still there? - They weren't still there. - No? 424 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:58,000 A theatre in Newcastle, the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, under the stage has... 425 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,480 It's actually a replica, because it burned in the '80s, 426 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:04,120 - but all the old Victorian wheels and ropes and pulleys... - Oh! 427 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,440 - ..so you could have moving floors... - Fantastic! 428 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,480 ..and you could stage a Grand National on a revolving stage. 429 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:14,280 But all of that stuff was all run by sailors, but one time, 430 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,960 they were running such elaborate stage work in that theatre, 431 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,240 - they had 190 crewmembers working under the stage. - God! 432 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,600 - Using the rigging and doing all that stuff. - Yeah. 433 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,640 You should ask someone, if you're interested, 434 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,840 to go round the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, cos that 435 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,480 not only has fantastic mechanisms, but also was on the steam main. 436 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,880 People forget that London was on steam, in the same way that it was 437 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:38,200 on gas and is now on electricity and, on the broadband, as it were. 438 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,200 How do you spell that - broadband? 439 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,640 - Yes! - LAUGHTER 440 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,960 B-R...? Broadband. 441 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,480 - I'll write it up for you upside down. - Thank you. 442 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,080 Now from flight to fight. 443 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:52,720 Which military leader does this mighty Norfolk oak commemorate? 444 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,040 - SPLASHING - Yes, Jo? 445 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,680 Nigel Farage? 446 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,920 ALARM SOUNDS 447 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,080 Well, well. 448 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,160 - It's not a very big oak. - No, it isn't mighty, is it? 449 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,320 - So, it's... - So it's not that old, in fact. 450 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,880 - Yeah, it could be... - It's about 80 years old, not quite 80. 451 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,880 - Not quite 80. - It was a sapling. - Kitchener? 452 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,280 It was a sapling 78 years ago. 453 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:21,720 - So, no, it would be too late for Kitchener. - Not Mosley? 454 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,440 You're in the right ball park, but even more of a military leader. 455 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,600 Not Hitler? 456 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:30,520 Adolf, as you rightly say, Hit, as you pointed out, ler. 457 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,840 - Yes, he's... - There's a commemorative oak tree in Norfolk? 458 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:38,720 The fact is, everybody who won a gold medal in the 1936 Olympics 459 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:42,520 in Berlin was presented with a sapling of an oak tree. 460 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,880 - And they're known as... - Our oak trees, Stephen? 461 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,960 - Ah, well... - You mean they've got oak trees in Germany? 462 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:51,960 Yes, I'm afraid the German for oak is eich, so Eichmann is oak-man. 463 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,120 - Is it really? - Hmm, yes. - I feel soiled. 464 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,360 Some of the oak trees are on the German side. 465 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,400 Yes, our word acorn and oak come from the eich. 466 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,560 - Stout, proud English oak, why are we always going on about...? - I know. 467 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,600 Anyway, the Hitler oaks, there are none left in Britain 468 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,720 except the one in Norfolk, which is surviving, as you see. 469 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,760 You would assume that it's not going to really last that long, 470 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,360 once people watch this. 471 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,800 - Well, no, they might go and hack it down. - Yes. 472 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:18,600 A lot of Americans didn't keep theirs for that reason. Jessie Owens actually did keep his. 473 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,360 He won, how many gold medals at the...? 474 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:21,840 - Four. - Four, quite right. 475 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,840 And one of his Hitler oaks survives in his old training school 476 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,360 in Cleveland, Ohio. He gave another to his mother. 477 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:31,160 - Some US athletes threw theirs away, as I say. - What a lovely present. 478 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,120 It was handed out by the committee, rather than Hitler himself, 479 00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:37,040 but they were, of course, associated so much with his regime. 480 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,600 I gave my mum a pair of Saddam Hussein's pants for her birthday. 481 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:42,960 Anyway, there you go. 482 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,040 Congratulations to all those who did win. 483 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,160 Now, Kyrgyzstan has a famous forest. 484 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:52,400 - Kyrgyzstan? - It's got a forest. - It has a forest in the shape of...? 485 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:56,560 - Oh! - Oh... - Is it something like their dictator's face? 486 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,120 - Or...? - Well, they do have a famous dictator who is a bit mad, 487 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:02,080 - but actually, this is a symbol of dictatorship. - Hammer and sickle? 488 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,360 Not a hammer and sickle. More fascistic. 489 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,040 - JO: - Torture equipment? - HE LAUGHS: - Er... 490 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,640 You might see it on an armband. 491 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,320 - A swastika? - A Swastika is the right answer, yes. 492 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:12,800 APPLAUSE 493 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,800 Um, no-one quite knows how it got there. 494 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,560 They think it may be German prisoners of war who planted it 495 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,160 as a little trick, because it was only visible from the air, 496 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,520 but there is a better-known one from the air, which is 497 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,160 in perhaps what you might call its country of origin, 498 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,520 although you could argue that the swastika is an Indian symbol. 499 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,400 - Is it in the Black Forest somewhere? - It's in Brandenburg, 500 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,840 in Germany, which is in Prussia, and there it is! 501 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:39,240 It only really expresses itself - because it's larch trees, 502 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,880 as opposed to the trees around it - at the right time of year, 503 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,240 when the larch trees go yellow, and they think it was 504 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:49,240 planted in the '30s by enthusiastic Hitler Youth members. 505 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:53,280 So they must be in a quandary, though, because it's an incredibly, 506 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,600 - er, divisive image, but... - Yes. - ..they are trees. 507 00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,000 No, you've pointed it out well and, as you probably know, 508 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,240 it's illegal in Germany and they finally noticed it, 509 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,480 somebody obviously flew over it and said, "Hang on!" 510 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,440 - "Hang on a minute!" - They said, "Achtung, moment bitte." 511 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:08,960 - and so, it was chopped down in the year - 2000. Oh, it was? 512 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,000 - Yeah, it was, so we are looking at an old photo. - You wouldn't have to. 513 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,120 You could just put in some other ones to fill it in 514 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:17,120 - and turn it into a sort of harmless grid. - A square. Yes, that's true! 515 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:19,360 - LAUGHTER - That's true. 516 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,480 It would be lovely for people flying over, going, 517 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:25,480 "What a charming, harmless grid someone's put in the forest." 518 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,600 - LAUGHTER - So, good, excellent. 519 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,840 Now, a question about language. 520 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:35,320 Whom would you back in a fight - Chuck Norris or Communism? 521 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,520 - Instinctively, I'd back Communism. - Would you? - Yeah. 522 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:43,960 What, out of preference or just because it's so mighty? 523 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,840 It's a mighty international movement that kept 524 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,760 millions in subjection, as opposed to just one guy. 525 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:53,880 He...he's never really hit Britain in the way he has America, has he? 526 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,840 - Not like Jean-Claude or... - He's been and gone. - ..or Arnie. 527 00:26:56,840 --> 00:27:02,000 - How can you match a bloke against an abstract political theory... - Quite! 528 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,200 - ..really? - And the fact is, the reality of Communism was, 529 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:09,040 that it basically tried to keep from its people Western culture. 530 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:10,320 And I experienced this. 531 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,480 I was in New York and I had this guy who was driving me, um, 532 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:17,480 and he was Romanian and, er, he spoke about picking his mother up 533 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,960 from the airport when he managed to get her out of Ceausescu's Romania 534 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,000 and he said on the way, he stopped off at this corner supermarket, 535 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,840 she followed him and he started plucking stuff off the shelves 536 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,520 and then she'd disappeared, and he went round the aisle 537 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:31,760 and she was on the floor sobbing her heart out. 538 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,960 And he said, "What's the matter?" 539 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,480 And she said, "They lied! They lied! All my life, they lied! 540 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:41,760 "They told us Westerners were poor and that only the very few were rich 541 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:45,360 "and you're just a driver and you can have all this? 542 00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,400 "I cannot believe how they lied!" 543 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,680 And I'm afraid, whatever one thinks about capitalism and Communism, 544 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:53,800 the Ceausescus, they were so paranoid 545 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,760 about their citizens finding out that, in the West, 546 00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:00,760 for all its faults, most people could eat to some degree, 547 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,840 that they cut everything, even Tom and Jerry, you know the scenes 548 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,880 - in Tom and Jerry where there's a fridge with a big chicken? - "Thomas!" 549 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,600 Yeah, exactly, the Mammy character. 550 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,840 They'd cut those out, so people wouldn't see that. 551 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:14,200 It brings us round to this point is, under the Ceausescus, no element 552 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,600 of Western prosperity was ever allowed to slip through culturally, 553 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,160 so any films that showed any kind of prosperity were banned, 554 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:27,760 but one woman, one woman on her own, imported 5,000 Western movies 555 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:31,240 and dubbed them, hence the language point, she dubbed every character 556 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:33,680 without making any distinction in the voices... 557 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:37,440 - LAUGHTER - ..but it was still an absolute feast 558 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:41,760 in famine for the people of Romania who watched, amongst other things, 559 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:46,360 Jaws, The Godfather 2, The Shining and lots of Chuck Norris movies. 560 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,440 And they adored them! And, after Nicolae Ceausescu, 561 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:53,360 she was the most well-known Romanian to a whole generation. 562 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:55,880 Her name was Margareta Nistor, but they didn't know that, 563 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:57,560 cos obviously she kept it all private 564 00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:59,720 and her story is being turned into a film called 565 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:03,040 Chuck Norris Versus Communism, hence that particular thing. 566 00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:04,360 - Oh, wow. - Yeah. - Wow. 567 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:08,560 Anyway, when should you get out of bed and go to the lavatory? 568 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:09,840 CRASHING 569 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,920 Yes? 570 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:15,720 - Before you go to the lavatory. - Yes. - SOME LAUGHTER 571 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:18,040 That's right, it is obviously a lavatorial question, 572 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,200 - so you're right to spend your penny. - JINGLE PLAYS 573 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,720 - TOILET FLUSHES - Well done! 574 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:24,120 APPLAUSE 575 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:29,320 So, er, yeah, Spend A Penny points are available. 576 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:31,840 When should you get out of bed before you go to the lavatory? 577 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:33,840 It seems a very strange question, doesn't it? 578 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,520 - Well, every time, really! - Yeah! - Yes. 579 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,360 Er, now, we're going into the land of fairytales here, 580 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,040 and it's one of the rather bizarre 1870 tellings 581 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,720 of what was already by this time nearly 1,000 years old as a story, 582 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,320 and that's the story of Little Red Riding Hood, 583 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:49,320 and 1870, you think, is nice Victorians 584 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:51,800 and there's a little Victorian girl in bed with the wolf. 585 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:55,520 Now, this is how it goes, and please don't blame me, after she gets 586 00:29:55,520 --> 00:30:00,080 to the granny's house, the wolf asks her to perform a striptease. 587 00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:04,560 - What?! - And then, tells her to throw her clothes into the fire. 588 00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:09,640 Right? Once in bed, naked presumably, with the wolf, 589 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,800 she realises that the wolf is not her grandmother. 590 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,200 In front of whom she would be perfectly happy 591 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:17,480 to do a striptease and burn her clothes! 592 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:20,200 But when she was clothed, she would have realised? 593 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:23,480 - But only... - Once in bed... - Once in bed! - ..she felt the fur. 594 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:26,440 She knew her grandmother wasn't furry, yeah, so... 595 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,520 - So, to get away, she begs... - LAUGHTER 596 00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,160 ..she begs to be allowed to go to the lavatory. 597 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:35,040 Right? This is in an 1870 version! I promise you, it's true. 598 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,560 The wolf urges her just to have a dump in the bed. 599 00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,040 LAUGHTER 600 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,760 But she insists on going outside, then runs away, 601 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:43,760 her life saved by her good manners. 602 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:48,240 - In the first... - It's not really la-di-da, though, is it? - No! 603 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,840 - It's a bit basic! - "Oh, I see! Won't have a shit in the bed!" 604 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:53,440 LAUGHTER 605 00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,760 The first person to collect these fairytales, the best-known 606 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:01,600 collector of them, was a Frenchman called... Do you know? 607 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,200 The Mother Goose rhymes and other such things? 608 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,760 Charles Perrault. And he collected the Little Red Riding Hood in which 609 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:11,040 she falls asleep and nothing happens after she's fallen asleep, 610 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:13,120 except she's eaten by the wolf. That's it. 611 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:16,080 It's just a moral tale - don't fall asleep in front of wolves. 612 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:17,320 It's not very interesting. 613 00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,600 But early proto-versions are quite extraordinary. 614 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:22,320 There's one in the 11th century, called The False Grandmother, 615 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:23,720 where it's not a wolf, but an ogre 616 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:25,600 who hangs up the grandmother's intestine, 617 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,960 having eaten the grandmother, to use as a latch string on the door. 618 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:32,960 When Little Red Riding Hood arrives, she eats granny's dismembered teeth 619 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,760 and drinks her blood by accident, mistaking them for food. 620 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:37,920 Mistaking it for food? 621 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:40,920 For Granny's delicious Bloody Mary that she always has! 622 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:42,600 LAUGHTER 623 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,120 But if you actually were to encounter a wolf in the wild, 624 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:46,920 would that be a cause to run away? 625 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,120 Oh, you're probably not... I mean, in general, 626 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:52,440 the advice with wild animals is sort of terrifying, 627 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:54,200 in that you're supposed, if you run away, 628 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,920 that'll make them really angry and they can catch up with you, 629 00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,720 so you've got to make yourself look enormous but not threatening. 630 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:02,800 Or you're meant to make a loud noise quietly or, you know... 631 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:04,200 LAUGHTER 632 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:06,920 Make sure you get it right - that's the thing with each animal. 633 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:10,400 "Definitely remember this pamphlet," is what they always say. 634 00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,840 In the case of the wolf, remember that it's a pack animal, 635 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:16,000 so if you come across one, it's going to be the one that runs away. 636 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,160 - Right. - It really is not going to attack you. 637 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:19,520 And if it's a pack of wolves... 638 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,920 If it's a pack of wolves, then really you've been warned 639 00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:25,280 by some severe howling and you're an idiot and you deserve to be eaten. 640 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:26,320 LAUGHTER 641 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:29,320 I only hope you haven't passed your genes on and you win a Darwin Award. 642 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:33,040 You could confuse...you could confuse the wolf and go to the toilet. 643 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:35,560 - That's true! - And just see what it does. 644 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:39,320 I'm sure there is one animal you're supposed to do a shit 645 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,400 and that terrifies them, or makes a smell that confuses them... 646 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:45,080 - Yes! - ..and it thinks you're their mother or something. 647 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:48,400 The human animal, I think. If you're faced with a pack of humans 648 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,760 and you do a shit, they will run away. 649 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,200 - LAUGHTER - A very good way of keeping... - Yes. 650 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:54,520 APPLAUSE 651 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,720 That's...that's... That's what I found anyway. 652 00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:01,760 - It's a very good way of keeping a double seat on a coach. - Yes. 653 00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:05,360 Another children's story that originally was pretty dark was 654 00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:09,120 written by - see if this will help you - Carlo Collodi. Does that help? 655 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:11,960 Someone in the audience wanting to shout out again? Go on, then. 656 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,160 - WOMAN: Pinocchio? - Pinocchio is the right answer. 657 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,720 And in the original story, the first version, 658 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,480 he kills Jiminy Cricket with a hammer. Who can blame him? 659 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,720 - LAUGHTER - Wouldn't you want 660 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,400 - to kill your conscience with a hammer? - Absolutely. - Yeah. 661 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,240 Later, he's robbed and beaten and has his legs burnt off 662 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:30,720 and eventually hanged by a cat and a fox for being smug. 663 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:32,840 Um... That's me in trouble. 664 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:36,040 In Cinderella, they cut their feet off, don't they? The ugly sisters 665 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:39,520 cut their feet off to get their stumps in the slipper or something? 666 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:42,720 - Yes, that's right. - Yeah! All these stories are pretty grim, they are, 667 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:46,480 Grimm literally, of course, um... Let's see how good your history is. 668 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:49,880 Who can you see here? Let's have a look. 669 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:52,240 It was filmed in 1902. 670 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:55,640 Who is the august gentleman in the beard? 671 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:57,080 George V? 672 00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:58,640 ALARM SOUNDS 673 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:02,760 - DAVID: - No, isn't it, it looks... It's Edward VII. 674 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:06,080 It looks exactly like Edward VII. On the other hand, it isn't. 675 00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:08,480 ALARM SOUNDS, LAUGHTER 676 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:13,000 - It's not Edward VII?! - No. - It looks... 677 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,640 - I know, it looks so like him. - It's Father Christmas. 678 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:17,160 And it took place in 1902, 679 00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:20,000 which was the year of Edward VII's coronation. 680 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:24,600 You could have played a Spend A Penny bonus, but I'll let you 681 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:28,640 get extra points if you can spot the lavatory attendant in this? 682 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:32,840 Is he going to the lavatory in the film? 683 00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:36,520 It's the man sitting down in the throne. 684 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,840 The man you thought was Edward VII is in fact a lavatory attendant. 685 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:41,920 He doesn't look so much like Edward VII now. 686 00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:44,200 - No, that's because he's in profile now. - Ah, I see. 687 00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:47,400 - He did look a bit like him full-on. - It's not HD either, is it? 688 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:50,640 No, it's not HD. It's the early days of cinema and the early days of cinema were 689 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:53,240 dominated by one nation more than any other, really. 690 00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:56,200 - And they were? - France. - The French, yes, exactly. 691 00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:58,920 And in 1902, a French film-maker called George Melies, 692 00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:01,400 decided to film the coronation, but he wasn't allowed 693 00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:03,360 in Westminster Abbey, as soon as they heard 694 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:05,880 how loud the film camera was when it was being cranked. 695 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,440 So, they said, "We will have none of that nonsense here." 696 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:12,240 So he decided to restage it, in France, and in a studio. 697 00:35:12,240 --> 00:35:14,120 And he found this lavatory attendant, 698 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:17,360 who had a nice beard, who was the right size, 699 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:20,680 big adipose deposit, a tubby chap, in other words. 700 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,320 And he, basically, went through all the, you know, 701 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:25,840 elements of the coronation as happened. 702 00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:29,080 And so it was the first filmed simulacrum of a coronation, 703 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:30,920 but it wasn't the real thing. 704 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:32,840 In fact, Edward was ill for the real day, 705 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,400 so he was able then to go to England 706 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:37,720 and film the carriages arriving and cut that into the footage. 707 00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:40,400 And so that was the only real part, the rest of it was made up. 708 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:42,360 - And it put... - What was the catering like? 709 00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:45,120 Probably wonderful, if it was French, I should imagine. 710 00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:48,360 The film put to light the awkward fact that, in real life, 711 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,080 the queen Queen Alexandra - was quite a bit taller than Edward. 712 00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:52,800 That picture hides it as well, 713 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:56,240 and it also shows bits of the coronation that didn't happen, 714 00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:59,640 because some bits were omitted because the king had been rather ill. 715 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,440 Yes. What else? The film went more smoothly than the real thing. 716 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,000 In the actual ceremony the very elderly and almost blind 717 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:07,640 Archbishop of Canterbury put the crown on backwards. 718 00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:11,280 - He then couldn't get up. - He shouldn't put it on at all. - No! 719 00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:13,600 LAUGHTER 720 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,200 - He was larking about. - Yeah. - Yeah. 721 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,680 He also had to kneel down to swear fealty to the King 722 00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:22,760 and then he couldn't get up again. So the King had to help him up. 723 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,880 Well, that's what royalty should be, 724 00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:27,760 a blind Archbishop of Canterbury and a great big fat king 725 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:32,720 who keeps getting terrible constipation and being unable to turn up at his own coronation. 726 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:36,240 Exactly. But the film, you'll be pleased to know, was a huge success. 727 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:38,880 It briefly made that lavatory attendant one of the most 728 00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,920 famous film stars in the world. 729 00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:44,240 In 1902 there weren't many to compare him with, but he was huge. 730 00:36:44,240 --> 00:36:47,840 - He was one of the biggest film star of the world. - Yeah, exactly. 731 00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:50,960 And the King saw it when it came out, and he enjoyed it hugely, apparently. 732 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,000 According to a letter sent to us by Pauline Melies, 733 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,920 who is the great-great-granddaughter of the film maker. 734 00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,280 Thank you, Pauline, for sending us that. 735 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:03,160 Do you think Edward thought it was real? He watched it and said, "I think I've lost weight." 736 00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:04,320 Possibly. Possibly. 737 00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,840 So, in the film, The Coronation Of Edward VII, 738 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,000 the man on the throne is a lavatory attendant. 739 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:12,360 Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please. 740 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,160 Where is the Duchy of Cornwall? 741 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:15,960 BUZZER 742 00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:17,000 Yes? 743 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:18,400 Devon? 744 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:19,720 - You're right. - Is it? 745 00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:20,760 That's to say... 746 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:24,520 APPLAUSE 747 00:37:27,720 --> 00:37:30,200 That is to say, more of it is in Devon than is in Cornwall. 748 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:33,800 - It's mainly in Waitrose now. - Yes, you're quite right. 749 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:35,360 You know, in terms of value, 750 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:38,520 one packet of those biscuits would buy you a farmhouse. 751 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,800 Somebody from Australia, what's a duchy? 752 00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:45,760 Is it something you'd pass to the left-hand side, or...? 753 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:48,440 A duchy is just another word for a dukedom. 754 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,080 One of the titles that was given to the Prince of Wales 755 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:53,520 when he was invested as Prince of Wales, in 1973, 756 00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:55,440 was the Duke of Cornwall, which is typical. 757 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,280 There he was getting invested. 758 00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:59,640 - That's the Cornish flag. - And that's the Cornish flag. 759 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:03,560 And that's pretty much all that can be said on that subject, I think, but you got it right. 760 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,800 Now, what does a cowboy call his rope? 761 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:08,160 GALLOPING AND FIRING 762 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:09,760 A lasso. 763 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:11,880 - ALARM SOUNDS - Oh, what a shame! 764 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,080 I don't think that's usual. 765 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:19,320 - Does he call it a rope? - He does. You're on fire! 766 00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:20,360 - Come on! - Yeah. 767 00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:28,440 Lassos and lariats and so on, if you used that word, it would be a 768 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:30,880 dead giveaway that you are, you know, like Billy Crystal, 769 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:32,880 a city slicker in the world of the Wild West. 770 00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:36,720 They weren't invented in the Wild West, of course, obviously they'd been used before. 771 00:38:36,720 --> 00:38:39,960 Ancient Egyptians used them to capture antelopes and wild oxen. 772 00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,680 However, they didn't use horses, the ancient Egyptians. 773 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:45,240 Oh, look at that, they're catching a hippo with one. 774 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:48,000 - That's very impressive. - Hippos are nasty, aren't they? 775 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:52,240 - Oh, gosh, yes. - They kill lots of people, even though they're vegetarians. 776 00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:55,000 Yeah, yeah. Usually by attacking boats and things like that. 777 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:59,000 But NASA is planning to use a lasso to capture what, would you imagine? 778 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:02,920 Stuff in space that's flying around dangerously, a bit like in Gravity? 779 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,280 Well, it's not dangerous stuff, it's an asteroid, 780 00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:07,960 - it plans to lasso an asteroid, would you believe. - Oh, God! 781 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:09,800 And drag it into orbit around the moon. 782 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:12,160 - Why are all their ideas so ridiculous?! - I know. 783 00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:15,360 They're going to choose a small one, it's only about seven metres across. 784 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:19,280 A specific type which would break up harmlessly in the Earth's atmosphere, in case it... 785 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:22,560 I think they should send Sandra Bullock to do it. 786 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:24,760 Which wonderful country is that there? 787 00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:26,760 - Yes, look at it. - Hi. 788 00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:30,040 It's about to be obliterated. 789 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:34,680 You'd better stay here, 'Col. 790 00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:37,120 You can buy wonderful globes in Australia, can't you, 791 00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:40,000 where it's upside-down, because there's no reason to suppose 792 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:41,440 that's the Earth the right way up. 793 00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:44,480 A spaceship approaching Earth could easily see Australia at the top. 794 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:48,160 Which company makes the most tyres in the world? 795 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:50,800 Goodyear. 796 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:52,720 ALARM SOUNDS 797 00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:54,400 Oh! 798 00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:56,920 I had a very good year, thank you. But no, no, not Goodyear. 799 00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:58,840 Harry Hill used to do that joke. 800 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:02,080 So who used to play Bet Lynch in...? What's the character, Julie...? 801 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:05,000 - Julie. - Julie, um... - Goodyear. 802 00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,240 Yeah, not bad, thanks. 803 00:40:07,240 --> 00:40:10,080 It's like the... Who was that Austrian racing driver Niki, Niki? 804 00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:11,560 Lauda. 805 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:12,880 WHO WAS THAT AUSTRIAN? 806 00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:20,320 Did you know that that actress was stabbed, sad story, 807 00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:23,840 that actress who was stabbed, she was in Legally Blonde, Reese? 808 00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,640 Witherspoon? 809 00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:26,840 No, with a knife. 810 00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:27,960 Hey! Oh! 811 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:31,920 Who's that actress who was in Friends? 812 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:34,080 Courteney, Courteney...? What was her name? 813 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:35,520 Cox. 814 00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:38,560 Caught any cock? No, not lately, you're supposed to say. 815 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:42,560 No, silly. Silly, silly, silly, silly, silly. Sorry. 816 00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:44,760 - A good one to finish on. - Yeah, a very good one. 817 00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:47,280 So who makes the most tyres in the world? It's not Goodyear. 818 00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:50,480 - A major tyre manufacturer? - Dunlop? - Yes. It's not Dunlop. 819 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,000 Hankook? Hankook? 820 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,440 - Firestone. - Firestone. No, not Firestone. 821 00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:57,640 Pirelli. 822 00:40:57,640 --> 00:40:59,880 If we get the right one, do we get points? 823 00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:04,520 - Yes, you'll get... - Pirelli? - Not Pirelli, no. 824 00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:06,800 - Tyres, you know... - Continental? 825 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:08,440 < SHOUT FROM AUDIENCE: Lego! 826 00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,240 Oh, audience gets the answer. 827 00:41:10,240 --> 00:41:12,360 - Oh, Lego. - It's Lego. - Lego. Very good. 828 00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:13,760 Very good, aren't they? 829 00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:15,840 Hey! 830 00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:21,760 - It sort of depends how you define a tyre, doesn't it? - It does. 831 00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,360 They're not pneumatic, it must be said, but then tyres, 832 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:26,720 there were tyres before pneumatic tyres. 833 00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:28,560 And they're not the same. 834 00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:31,640 Well, there you are, on that interesting Lego note, 835 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:32,840 that's all for tonight. 836 00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:35,520 Leaving only the little matter of the scores. 837 00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:37,600 How interesting they are. 838 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,640 I'm afraid to say, in a rather convincing last place, 839 00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:44,120 with minus 48, it's David Mitchell. 840 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:47,800 APPLAUSE 841 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,560 And a full 30 points ahead, with minus 18, Jo Brand. 842 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,800 APPLAUSE 843 00:41:58,840 --> 00:42:02,640 Most impressively, skating on nil points, Alan Davies! 844 00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:04,440 APPLAUSE 845 00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:12,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 846 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,680 Say what you like about them... 847 00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:24,360 Every cliche proven. 848 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:31,000 Bad losers, bad winners, graceless, but unquestionably 849 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:32,680 nearly always victorious, 850 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:36,040 - our winner, Colin Lane with two points. - Yes! 851 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:38,880 APPLAUSE 852 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:46,440 So, it's goodnight from Colin, David, Jo, Alan and me. 853 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:50,520 And I leave you with the last words of British politician Henry Fox. 854 00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:54,040 "If Mr Selwyn calls again, show him up. 855 00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:56,800 "If I am alive, I shall be delighted to see him. 856 00:42:56,800 --> 00:42:59,600 "And if I am dead, he would be delighted to see me." 857 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:01,000 Goodnight. 858 00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,320 APPLAUSE