APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
and welcome to QI, the show that knows that it knows nothing.
Tonight is a litter of landmarks, learning and larceny.
And joining me are the larksome David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE
The laudable Colin Lane.
APPLAUSE
The ladylike Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE
And the live-in Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
So let's hear their buzzers. David goes...
GALLOPING AND GUNFIRE
Oh. And Colin goes....
WHISTLING
CRASH
Oh, very larky. And Jo goes...
BOING, BOING, BOING
SPLASHING
And Alan goes...
SAWING
SAWING CONTINUES
SAWING STOPS
LAUGHTER
That's it, good.
Well, if you've enjoyed QI, do tune in again next week.
But don't forget that you have Spend A Penny cards.
There is almost certainly...
JINGLE PLAYS
TOILET FLUSHES
..going to be a question that is lavatorial.
And if you Spend A Penny when I ask the question, you get extra points.
What about if we actually want to go during the recording?
Well, you should find a little bottle and funnel underneath.
Anyway. Now, last question first.
Why don't you do some of the work for a change?
You can talk about one of two things.
What about the death of the last American Civil War pensioner,
or the last thing you'd like to see on the London Underground?
Choose.
- Jo? - The last thing I'd like to see on the Underground
is a dying American Civil War.
Well, that would, that would put it all into one, wouldn't it?
Yes. Just trying to make it easy.
A dying American Civil War, or a dying American Civil War pensioner?
No, a dying American Civil War... pensioner.
Yeah, all right, fair enough.
If you can give me a date as to when you will be able to see
- the last pensioner from the American Civil War. - It was in the 1860s.
- Well, it finished in 1865, didn't it, the American Civil War? - Correct.
- I'll give you a point for knowing the date of the end of the Civil War. - Do I?
- Yeah. - So, more than 100. - CHEERING
And a lady as well! Ooh.
More than 100 years after that is unlikely, so I'm going 1962.
Well, that's not correct.
That's very... Because that was... He'd have to have been
a toddler during the American Civil War, and...
- He might be 115, I'm thinking. - Well, we're talking about pensioners,
not veterans. The last veteran to die, amazingly,
died in 1956, aged 109.
- There he is. Woolson, his name was. - And there's the toddler.
And there is a great-great-great-grandchild,
I'd imagine. A lot of them did live well into the 20th century,
because they were teenagers during the war.
So he was the last veteran to die.
But pensioners could have received a pension from the United States Government.
Because of their fathers, they would still get a pension.
So it might still be ongoing, then.
Well, that's the answer. Still alive.
And here tonight!
If only we could say that.
- Yee-ha! - IMITATES GUNFIRE
It's only 876 a year, but it's still a pension.
And the last widow of a Civil War soldier died in 2008.
- Wow. - The last widow of a soldier. - Yeah.
- In 1934, Maudie Hopkins... - Shut the front door.
..married an 86-year-old veteran, called William Cantrell,
- who had fought as a teenager. - How old was Maudie Hopkins?
Well, she was pretty old when she died, but um...
- No, when she got married. - Oh, she was young. Very young.
- Really? - Yeah. - She was a toddler.
Alberta Martin, who died in 2004, she married aged 21, in 1927,
an 81-year-old Confederate veteran, who died in 1931.
She then married his grandson.
That's rather peculiar, isn't it, to marry the grandson of your husband?
How would you feel if you were the son, though?
- Yeah, you'd feel cut out, exactly. - She skipped a generation. - I know.
- She was 21 and she married... - Yes, step-grandson.
- I see. - It would be odd if she married her own grandson. - Right.
- OK. - So pretty surprising that these things can be that close.
I remember my father said that
he remembers, as a boy, listening to Sibelius,
the Finnish composer, talking on the radio and he spoke about how,
when he was a boy, he had a music copyist, who was an old man,
who'd been a copyist to Beethoven.
My father listened to him giving a radio talk. That's pretty amazing.
- You don't have to go that far back, really, do you? - No.
On a TV show once in England,
I sat two spots away from Alan Davies.
- God! - Yeah. - That's a connection that you're going to boast about in years to come, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's pretty incredible.
And he played with his pen for the whole programme.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
STEPHEN LAUGHS
- I can't get it off. - Oh, dear. Yeah.
So, that's the Civil War answer, the last pensioner who's still alive.
What about the London Underground?
There was something, which is pretty grisly, that I imagine
if you're a decent person wouldn't want to see,
but which was seen by people who travelled on the Underground.
It was the last of its kind to happen in Great Britain.
And it's quite odd to imagine something relatively modern
like an Underground system overlapping with this.
- Somebody not looking at their phone. - No, no.
2,000 people turned up to watch this event and many of them went by Tube.
- Oh, a public execution. - Was it a hanging?
It was a public execution, the last ever public execution in Britain.
- Well, let's say, you know, the most recent. - Yes.
- We live in dark times. - We do. They may well return. - Yeah.
Well, this one was in Newgate, which is now the Old Bailey, essentially.
The Old Bailey is built on the ruins
and the old cellars of Newgate are still there.
And the walk that the dead man used to have to take,
through archways of diminishing size.
And there would be baying and crying outside,
and then he'd go across and there'd be a little patch of blue sky,
and then he'd ascend the steps and then the rope would be straight around him.
And he was a Fenian, an Irish nationalist.
He was called Michael Barrett.
Many people believed he was actually innocent.
A bomb was placed outside Clerkenwell Prison
in order to blow a hole in it to free a Fenian prisoner.
So it was probably a Fenian who did it and presumably a gang.
He was the only one arrested and hanged,
but on very slender evidence.
But I think the fact of the matter is, you know,
if hanging came back again, you'd get thousands of people
- going to watch it. It'd be like a football match! - Of course!
- If it was open to the public. - It would go viral.
I don't think it's going to be that long before they have hanging on Big Brother.
Well, there you are,
the death of the last American Civil War pensioner is unusual
because it hasn't yet happened, at least at time of going to press.
And the last thing you'd probably want to go
and see on the London Underground was the last public hanging.
Now we move on to L for larceny. Would you rather get an e-mail
from a Spanish prisoner or a Nigerian Prince?
Well...
CRASHING
- A Nigerian Prince. - Why is that, please, pray?
- What? - Why is that, please?
- I have no reason. I... - Oh, I see.
- I'm using the 50/50 rule. - Oh, fair enough.
- Yes, yes. - I mean, they're both pretty bad options, to be honest.
Yes, can you trust a Nigerian Prince?
Have you never had one of those e-mails?
No, no, actually, I don't. No.
Of course, Australian internet connection is so slow, you probably don't even get e-mails.
You certainly can't...
You certainly can't download movies or anything.
No, look, I mean I love the country. It's not your fault.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Listen, Colin... - He's only going over there,
because that's the only place he can get Wi-Fi.
It's not your fault.
I love the country, but I do love so much to hang shit on it...
as much as I possibly can.
BUZZER
Yeah?
I had a letter from a Nigerian person and it said,
- ring this number and the number was in Spain, so what about that? - Ah.
And it went to a house where I no longer lived,
addressed to the person who owned it before I owned it.
- That's pretty weird. - Saying, you have won four million euros,
or something like this. Ring this number.
- So I rang the number and I said... - Why did you ring the number?
Because, you know, what if it was true?
LAUGHTER
I said, "I just wanted you to know
"that the person you've sent this to doesn't live here any more.
- "I don't know where he lives." - And how did they respond?
They said, "According to the terms of the win,
"the winnings can be passed on to the next owner of the house."
So I said, "Oh, well, that would be me."
- I said, "This is, this is beginning to sound like a scam." - Did you?
And then he said, in a really thick Nigerian accent,
in feigned indignation, how dare I suggest such a thing.
And I said, "Well, then send me four million euros forthwith."
And he said, "Well, I'll need your bank account details."
- "I don't think so, sonny Jim," and that was the end of that. - Yeah.
Though some people do actually string them along,
they're called 419 baiters.
You bait them by pretending that you're really interested
and you waste their time.
And it's called 419, does anyone know the reason why 419
is attached to it?
CRASHING
No.
It's because, under the penal code of Nigeria,
- 419 covers that type of fraud. - The penal code of Nigeria!
All right, OK. Now, now, now.
You see what I love about those scams is the enormous sums of money, you know,
they don't just put like six grand,
- which most people, let's be honest, might be quite pleased with. - Yes.
- But they put sort of 500,000 billion. - Yes.
And so the thing is, like you know, that really cuts,
- I'm just giving them some advice here... - Yes.
That completely cuts down the number of people
- who will believe something like that. - Yeah.
Well, unfortunately, they, like all con artists, prey on the most weak
and the most vulnerable, and of course, I suppose, the most greedy.
There's an old rule in conning, in grifting,
is that you can never con someone who isn't greedy.
You know, all the great cons require people to want money.
- I was not conned. - No, you weren't conned.
I was just curious to see who this person was.
- I wasn't referring to you. - I thought I might get some material out of it.
- Yeah. But... - But the only way I could make it funny was by doing
an appalling Nigerian accent, which is apparently "racist".
- ADOPTS ACCENT: - And that would be inappropriate. This you must not do.
- That wasn't it, for example. - Yeah. And I can't do that. - No.
One of the things Nigerians do, which is very pleasing,
is they put the stress in very odd places on English words.
So "I am not in that cat-EG-ory,"
they will say, and things like that, which I find very endearing,
and I hope that's not patronising, it's not meant to be.
- Er, but they... - It is.
- They use, deliberately... - Australia, Nigeria...
I'm patronising to everyone in equal measure, I assure you, Colin.
Excellent, excellent. That makes me feel so much better.
- ADOPTS ACCENT: - What we just sent is, is a scam. - So... Nice one.
Things like that.
They deliberately use spelling mistakes and bad grammar.
Why would they do that?
- To attract Australians. - You are basically right.
- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - You've got it.
Ah, now, then!
- That's my one! - No, you can't touch it.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
- See. - We already know what Australians are like at losing,
we've known three times out of four.
APPLAUSE
- Colin's possessions. - Yeah. - What's the most recent result, though?
- The most recent... Three out of four we'll take, happily. - Yes. Yes.
But the reason, sadly, that they tend to use deliberately bad grammar
and spelling is to get rid of people who will spot it
and think it's not real, it's obviously not from a lawyer.
But people who are more vulnerable,
less educated are more likely to fall for it.
So it is all the crueller and meaner for that reason.
Like that word "refund" there, for example.
It's really, really cruel, like all cons of that nature.
- "Refvund..." - Yeah, exactly.
Have you had the one where you get an e-mail
supposedly from a friend saying, "Oh, I'm stuck in Malta..."
- Yes, very much so. - I always send money to those.
Actually, I got one from a friend of mine
and he really was in trouble and I thought it was a scam and he died.
But, you know, you can't win 'em all.
- That's not true. - That's not true, no. - No.
Now, the first part of the question was about the Spanish prisoner,
- does that phrase mean anything to you? Does it ring a bell of any kind? - No.
The Spanish prisoner principle was really the same thing.
It was a letter going all the way back, you're going
hundreds and hundreds of years, from someone who claimed to be
imprisoned by the Spanish,
"Please send me money, I will pay you back
"a thousandfold and you can marry my beautiful daughter," and so on.
It was a very early con trick.
And in 1914, which was the year Nigeria was founded,
the British Ambassador to Spain wrote to the Nigerian
colonial officers warning them about the Spanish prisoner tricks,
saying, "It appears that perpetrators of this fraud
"are still endeavouring to victimise residents of the British colonies.
"The public in Nigeria should be warned to be upon their guard."
So it's possible that Nigerian criminals got this
from their British colonial officers, in fact.
It's a very ancient one.
Now, how do you turn a camel into a mule?
Chop its hump off.
Well, it would turn it into a camel without humps.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Cocaine.
- What? - Great that you should know that,
Slightly dodgy that you should know that, but charming.
- Who was it? - What did they say? - They said...
- Who was it who just shouted, "Cocaine"? - "Cocaine." - Yeah.
- Maybe just, you know, they want some cocaine. - Yeah!
You get to the point, halfway through a show...
Yeah, you need a little bit of a lift.
And we've got waiters going around with all sorts of hard drugs.
- Just place your order. - Did you read, there's so much cocaine being used
- in Britain, that it's in the water supply? - Goodness me!
- Yes! - And ibuprofen as well. - Oh!
- Do you? - Yeah, water will numb you and excite you.
Very extraordinary. I knew about banknotes, that's true
- of banknotes, isn't it? - There are banknotes in the water supply?! - No!
LAUGHTER
It's all very complicated.
- Well, there was a little hint shouted out there. - Oh, so...
- When we used the word "mule". - A drug mule. - A drug mule.
So how do you train a camel to be a drug mule?
Just put some cocaine on its back and send it off into the desert?
Yes, but how can you be sure where it was going?
- You'd want it to go where... - Give it a compass. - Well, sort of.
This is L for learning.
What you do first is you take the camel on the journey
you want it to learn, which can be a very, very long one, all the way,
- say, from round about the Red Sea, or, or... - London to Birmingham.
..all the way to Morocco.
- Right across the desert. - And it only needs one go to learn it?
You do it without feeding it at all and you only feed it
when it gets to the end. So it kind of remembers this long journey...
- Yeah, I'd bloody remember that! - Yeah, exactly! Wouldn't we all?
So then, what you do is take it back to West Africa,
where you get your drugs and you load it,
you have nothing to do with it then, you then get a jeep or a plane
up to Morocco and the thing will make its long journey,
you sit in the hotel drinking beer and wait for it to come,
and it will arrive at the place you last left it.
There's something sad about that.
It is very sad, it's very loyal and very good.
So the camels take responsibility if they're caught?
Well, there's no-one else to blame, is there, except the camels?
So all we need now is to train camels to,
you know, check into airlines...
- Yes! - Because where you really want to smuggle drugs to
is rich Western countries.
You're only a few miles from Spain, and Spain is, you know,
a big distribution point for these drugs, so I think that's the point.
- And camels can swim? - No, you then take it off the camel.
You take it off the camel? Right.
- Yeah. - You don't have to take the camel across to Spain... - No.
- ..by water? - No. - Jet ski! - Jet ski?
- None of that! - Pedalo? - Pedalo. Exactly. Um...
Now, describe the aviation techniques of the Concrete Arrows.
Well, concrete can't really fly, Stephen, can it,
- because it's very heavy. - Well, are you saying a jumbo jet isn't heavy?
Good point.
- But they didn't make... - It needs a lot of thrust.
When you're in an aeroplane, you can hear that noise,
which is them filling it with helium.
- I'm assuming that's what the noise is and that's how it works. - Yes, exactly. - Yeah.
We're just waiting for the cabin to fill with helium
and then we will float gently up and then across the sea.
Imagine the conversations you'd have in the plane if it was filled with helium.
HIGH-PITCHED: "All right, yeah." "Can I have a cup of tea, please?"
It does stuff to your ears, so that's what you are hearing.
- But it sounds normal. - Oh, yes. Good point.
We look to you for all this information,
we're very grateful for it.
Well, of course, you are quite right in the sense
that there have never been any flying vehicles built of concrete.
But there have been concrete arrows that have a great deal to do with aviation.
And we go back to the early days of aviation, in a country that
was expanding perhaps more rapidly than any economy has ever expanded.
- And that was? The place... - America. America.
The United States of America, yes.
And there's a large landmass and they had...
Arrows to show the way across it?
Well, yes, they had, but this was even faster.
- Is that how big the arrows were? - No. No, those would be huge.
- But they were... - They would be huge. - They were big enough.
They had 70-foot long concrete arrows
every ten miles across the USA.
And there's one that still exists.
In 1933 they stopped the programme, because radio advances
and so on had meant they were unnecessary for navigation.
But before that, they really needed to find a way that aeroplanes
didn't have to dive down into towns to look
- and see where they were, which before that... - Ask for directions.
- Yeah, basically! - Go down along the high street.
And what was common was that the towns that actually paint
the name of the town on a large roof.
Is that what those big, you see roofs with "TEAS" written on it.
- Yeah, well, maybe. - Is that for pilots who fancy a scone?
- Yes, maybe, maybe. - Teas, but no airport nearby, sorry.
But there, yes, the arrows, straightforward.
Really simple and it worked.
Speaking of things visible from the air,
can you imagine something that the French made
visible from the air to try and win the First World War?
Or at least to try not to be utterly crushed by the First World War.
- Something for the German spotter planes to see? - Yes.
The fake weaponry, something like that? Wooden tanks or something.
- Was it a great big baguette? - It was a fake something.
- Fake Eiffel Tower? - Well, and more.
- Fake guillotine, fake Paris. - Fake Paris.
A fake Paris, Colin, well done. Finally. Finally!
Come on, Aussie, come on.
CHEERING
And now you've had the pleasure of a whole audience being
- patronising to you. - Yes.
Come on, Aussie, come on. Yes, you're absolutely right.
The French were very worried, as bombing technology was
improving towards the end of the war,
that their beloved Paris was going to go up in smoke
and all the wonderful buildings.
So, 15 miles to the north, on a stretch of the Seine,
they built lots of buildings, including a Gare du Nord and even
moving lights to suggest the railway tracks and other such things.
Unfortunately, it was never completed, because they only
had the idea in 1918 and by November of course the war was over.
- Was it to scale? - From the air, yes. I think it was.
- Not like that London in Legoland. - No, not like that.
They didn't get people over from, like, Hollywood to build it for them?
You'd think they should've done. Or magicians, like Maskelyne,
who did the famous camouflaging of the Suez Canal.
Didn't he also do the fake army in Kent?
I mean, he CLAIMED, actually, Maskelyne, he claimed rather a lot,
that now people think he probably wasn't responsible for.
Speaking of magicians and flying, you know, before, did you know
that Houdini, er...
he made the first powered flight in Australia?
- Oh, I didn't know that! - Yes. - He went to Australia specifically knowing
no-one had ever flown there before, so he could be the first.
- That's right. - That's the sort of bloke he was. - Total showman, yeah.
I did a run in a theatre in Broadway,
which was the theatre where he did his famous elephant trick,
and it has the deepest sub-stage, as they call it, the deepest area
under the stage imaginable, because he kept two elephants there,
And it's called the Belasco Theatre, and it's absolutely fantastic.
- They weren't still there? - They weren't still there. - No?
A theatre in Newcastle, the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, under the stage has...
It's actually a replica, because it burned in the '80s,
- but all the old Victorian wheels and ropes and pulleys... - Oh!
- ..so you could have moving floors... - Fantastic!
..and you could stage a Grand National on a revolving stage.
But all of that stuff was all run by sailors, but one time,
they were running such elaborate stage work in that theatre,
- they had 190 crewmembers working under the stage. - God!
- Using the rigging and doing all that stuff. - Yeah.
You should ask someone, if you're interested,
to go round the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, cos that
not only has fantastic mechanisms, but also was on the steam main.
People forget that London was on steam, in the same way that it was
on gas and is now on electricity and, on the broadband, as it were.
How do you spell that - broadband?
- Yes! - LAUGHTER
B-R...? Broadband.
- I'll write it up for you upside down. - Thank you.
Now from flight to fight.
Which military leader does this mighty Norfolk oak commemorate?
- SPLASHING - Yes, Jo?
Nigel Farage?
ALARM SOUNDS
Well, well.
- It's not a very big oak. - No, it isn't mighty, is it?
- So, it's... - So it's not that old, in fact.
- Yeah, it could be... - It's about 80 years old, not quite 80.
- Not quite 80. - It was a sapling. - Kitchener?
It was a sapling 78 years ago.
- So, no, it would be too late for Kitchener. - Not Mosley?
You're in the right ball park, but even more of a military leader.
Not Hitler?
Adolf, as you rightly say, Hit, as you pointed out, ler.
- Yes, he's... - There's a commemorative oak tree in Norfolk?
The fact is, everybody who won a gold medal in the 1936 Olympics
in Berlin was presented with a sapling of an oak tree.
- And they're known as... - Our oak trees, Stephen?
- Ah, well... - You mean they've got oak trees in Germany?
Yes, I'm afraid the German for oak is eich, so Eichmann is oak-man.
- Is it really? - Hmm, yes. - I feel soiled.
Some of the oak trees are on the German side.
Yes, our word acorn and oak come from the eich.
- Stout, proud English oak, why are we always going on about...? - I know.
Anyway, the Hitler oaks, there are none left in Britain
except the one in Norfolk, which is surviving, as you see.
You would assume that it's not going to really last that long,
once people watch this.
- Well, no, they might go and hack it down. - Yes.
A lot of Americans didn't keep theirs for that reason. Jessie Owens actually did keep his.
He won, how many gold medals at the...?
- Four. - Four, quite right.
And one of his Hitler oaks survives in his old training school
in Cleveland, Ohio. He gave another to his mother.
- Some US athletes threw theirs away, as I say. - What a lovely present.
It was handed out by the committee, rather than Hitler himself,
but they were, of course, associated so much with his regime.
I gave my mum a pair of Saddam Hussein's pants for her birthday.
Anyway, there you go.
Congratulations to all those who did win.
Now, Kyrgyzstan has a famous forest.
- Kyrgyzstan? - It's got a forest. - It has a forest in the shape of...?
- Oh! - Oh... - Is it something like their dictator's face?
- Or...? - Well, they do have a famous dictator who is a bit mad,
- but actually, this is a symbol of dictatorship. - Hammer and sickle?
Not a hammer and sickle. More fascistic.
- JO: - Torture equipment? - HE LAUGHS: - Er...
You might see it on an armband.
- A swastika? - A Swastika is the right answer, yes.
APPLAUSE
Um, no-one quite knows how it got there.
They think it may be German prisoners of war who planted it
as a little trick, because it was only visible from the air,
but there is a better-known one from the air, which is
in perhaps what you might call its country of origin,
although you could argue that the swastika is an Indian symbol.
- Is it in the Black Forest somewhere? - It's in Brandenburg,
in Germany, which is in Prussia, and there it is!
It only really expresses itself - because it's larch trees,
as opposed to the trees around it - at the right time of year,
when the larch trees go yellow, and they think it was
planted in the '30s by enthusiastic Hitler Youth members.
So they must be in a quandary, though, because it's an incredibly,
- er, divisive image, but... - Yes. - ..they are trees.
No, you've pointed it out well and, as you probably know,
it's illegal in Germany and they finally noticed it,
somebody obviously flew over it and said, "Hang on!"
- "Hang on a minute!" - They said, "Achtung, moment bitte."
- and so, it was chopped down in the year - 2000. Oh, it was?
- Yeah, it was, so we are looking at an old photo. - You wouldn't have to.
You could just put in some other ones to fill it in
- and turn it into a sort of harmless grid. - A square. Yes, that's true!
- LAUGHTER - That's true.
It would be lovely for people flying over, going,
"What a charming, harmless grid someone's put in the forest."
- LAUGHTER - So, good, excellent.
Now, a question about language.
Whom would you back in a fight - Chuck Norris or Communism?
- Instinctively, I'd back Communism. - Would you? - Yeah.
What, out of preference or just because it's so mighty?
It's a mighty international movement that kept
millions in subjection, as opposed to just one guy.
He...he's never really hit Britain in the way he has America, has he?
- Not like Jean-Claude or... - He's been and gone. - ..or Arnie.
- How can you match a bloke against an abstract political theory... - Quite!
- ..really? - And the fact is, the reality of Communism was,
that it basically tried to keep from its people Western culture.
And I experienced this.
I was in New York and I had this guy who was driving me, um,
and he was Romanian and, er, he spoke about picking his mother up
from the airport when he managed to get her out of Ceausescu's Romania
and he said on the way, he stopped off at this corner supermarket,
she followed him and he started plucking stuff off the shelves
and then she'd disappeared, and he went round the aisle
and she was on the floor sobbing her heart out.
And he said, "What's the matter?"
And she said, "They lied! They lied! All my life, they lied!
"They told us Westerners were poor and that only the very few were rich
"and you're just a driver and you can have all this?
"I cannot believe how they lied!"
And I'm afraid, whatever one thinks about capitalism and Communism,
the Ceausescus, they were so paranoid
about their citizens finding out that, in the West,
for all its faults, most people could eat to some degree,
that they cut everything, even Tom and Jerry, you know the scenes
- in Tom and Jerry where there's a fridge with a big chicken? - "Thomas!"
Yeah, exactly, the Mammy character.
They'd cut those out, so people wouldn't see that.
It brings us round to this point is, under the Ceausescus, no element
of Western prosperity was ever allowed to slip through culturally,
so any films that showed any kind of prosperity were banned,
but one woman, one woman on her own, imported 5,000 Western movies
and dubbed them, hence the language point, she dubbed every character
without making any distinction in the voices...
- LAUGHTER - ..but it was still an absolute feast
in famine for the people of Romania who watched, amongst other things,
Jaws, The Godfather 2, The Shining and lots of Chuck Norris movies.
And they adored them! And, after Nicolae Ceausescu,
she was the most well-known Romanian to a whole generation.
Her name was Margareta Nistor, but they didn't know that,
cos obviously she kept it all private
and her story is being turned into a film called
Chuck Norris Versus Communism, hence that particular thing.
- Oh, wow. - Yeah. - Wow.
Anyway, when should you get out of bed and go to the lavatory?
CRASHING
Yes?
- Before you go to the lavatory. - Yes. - SOME LAUGHTER
That's right, it is obviously a lavatorial question,
- so you're right to spend your penny. - JINGLE PLAYS
- TOILET FLUSHES - Well done!
APPLAUSE
So, er, yeah, Spend A Penny points are available.
When should you get out of bed before you go to the lavatory?
It seems a very strange question, doesn't it?
- Well, every time, really! - Yeah! - Yes.
Er, now, we're going into the land of fairytales here,
and it's one of the rather bizarre 1870 tellings
of what was already by this time nearly 1,000 years old as a story,
and that's the story of Little Red Riding Hood,
and 1870, you think, is nice Victorians
and there's a little Victorian girl in bed with the wolf.
Now, this is how it goes, and please don't blame me, after she gets
to the granny's house, the wolf asks her to perform a striptease.
- What?! - And then, tells her to throw her clothes into the fire.
Right? Once in bed, naked presumably, with the wolf,
she realises that the wolf is not her grandmother.
In front of whom she would be perfectly happy
to do a striptease and burn her clothes!
But when she was clothed, she would have realised?
- But only... - Once in bed... - Once in bed! - ..she felt the fur.
She knew her grandmother wasn't furry, yeah, so...
- So, to get away, she begs... - LAUGHTER
..she begs to be allowed to go to the lavatory.
Right? This is in an 1870 version! I promise you, it's true.
The wolf urges her just to have a dump in the bed.
LAUGHTER
But she insists on going outside, then runs away,
her life saved by her good manners.
- In the first... - It's not really la-di-da, though, is it? - No!
- It's a bit basic! - "Oh, I see! Won't have a shit in the bed!"
LAUGHTER
The first person to collect these fairytales, the best-known
collector of them, was a Frenchman called... Do you know?
The Mother Goose rhymes and other such things?
Charles Perrault. And he collected the Little Red Riding Hood in which
she falls asleep and nothing happens after she's fallen asleep,
except she's eaten by the wolf. That's it.
It's just a moral tale - don't fall asleep in front of wolves.
It's not very interesting.
But early proto-versions are quite extraordinary.
There's one in the 11th century, called The False Grandmother,
where it's not a wolf, but an ogre
who hangs up the grandmother's intestine,
having eaten the grandmother, to use as a latch string on the door.
When Little Red Riding Hood arrives, she eats granny's dismembered teeth
and drinks her blood by accident, mistaking them for food.
Mistaking it for food?
For Granny's delicious Bloody Mary that she always has!
LAUGHTER
But if you actually were to encounter a wolf in the wild,
would that be a cause to run away?
Oh, you're probably not... I mean, in general,
the advice with wild animals is sort of terrifying,
in that you're supposed, if you run away,
that'll make them really angry and they can catch up with you,
so you've got to make yourself look enormous but not threatening.
Or you're meant to make a loud noise quietly or, you know...
LAUGHTER
Make sure you get it right - that's the thing with each animal.
"Definitely remember this pamphlet," is what they always say.
In the case of the wolf, remember that it's a pack animal,
so if you come across one, it's going to be the one that runs away.
- Right. - It really is not going to attack you.
And if it's a pack of wolves...
If it's a pack of wolves, then really you've been warned
by some severe howling and you're an idiot and you deserve to be eaten.
LAUGHTER
I only hope you haven't passed your genes on and you win a Darwin Award.
You could confuse...you could confuse the wolf and go to the toilet.
- That's true! - And just see what it does.
I'm sure there is one animal you're supposed to do a shit
and that terrifies them, or makes a smell that confuses them...
- Yes! - ..and it thinks you're their mother or something.
The human animal, I think. If you're faced with a pack of humans
and you do a shit, they will run away.
- LAUGHTER - A very good way of keeping... - Yes.
APPLAUSE
That's...that's... That's what I found anyway.
- It's a very good way of keeping a double seat on a coach. - Yes.
Another children's story that originally was pretty dark was
written by - see if this will help you - Carlo Collodi. Does that help?
Someone in the audience wanting to shout out again? Go on, then.
- WOMAN: Pinocchio? - Pinocchio is the right answer.
And in the original story, the first version,
he kills Jiminy Cricket with a hammer. Who can blame him?
- LAUGHTER - Wouldn't you want
- to kill your conscience with a hammer? - Absolutely. - Yeah.
Later, he's robbed and beaten and has his legs burnt off
and eventually hanged by a cat and a fox for being smug.
Um... That's me in trouble.
In Cinderella, they cut their feet off, don't they? The ugly sisters
cut their feet off to get their stumps in the slipper or something?
- Yes, that's right. - Yeah! All these stories are pretty grim, they are,
Grimm literally, of course, um... Let's see how good your history is.
Who can you see here? Let's have a look.
It was filmed in 1902.
Who is the august gentleman in the beard?
George V?
ALARM SOUNDS
- DAVID: - No, isn't it, it looks... It's Edward VII.
It looks exactly like Edward VII. On the other hand, it isn't.
ALARM SOUNDS, LAUGHTER
- It's not Edward VII?! - No. - It looks...
- I know, it looks so like him. - It's Father Christmas.
And it took place in 1902,
which was the year of Edward VII's coronation.
You could have played a Spend A Penny bonus, but I'll let you
get extra points if you can spot the lavatory attendant in this?
Is he going to the lavatory in the film?
It's the man sitting down in the throne.
The man you thought was Edward VII is in fact a lavatory attendant.
He doesn't look so much like Edward VII now.
- No, that's because he's in profile now. - Ah, I see.
- He did look a bit like him full-on. - It's not HD either, is it?
No, it's not HD. It's the early days of cinema and the early days of cinema were
dominated by one nation more than any other, really.
- And they were? - France. - The French, yes, exactly.
And in 1902, a French film-maker called George Melies,
decided to film the coronation, but he wasn't allowed
in Westminster Abbey, as soon as they heard
how loud the film camera was when it was being cranked.
So, they said, "We will have none of that nonsense here."
So he decided to restage it, in France, and in a studio.
And he found this lavatory attendant,
who had a nice beard, who was the right size,
big adipose deposit, a tubby chap, in other words.
And he, basically, went through all the, you know,
elements of the coronation as happened.
And so it was the first filmed simulacrum of a coronation,
but it wasn't the real thing.
In fact, Edward was ill for the real day,
so he was able then to go to England
and film the carriages arriving and cut that into the footage.
And so that was the only real part, the rest of it was made up.
- And it put... - What was the catering like?
Probably wonderful, if it was French, I should imagine.
The film put to light the awkward fact that, in real life,
the queen Queen Alexandra - was quite a bit taller than Edward.
That picture hides it as well,
and it also shows bits of the coronation that didn't happen,
because some bits were omitted because the king had been rather ill.
Yes. What else? The film went more smoothly than the real thing.
In the actual ceremony the very elderly and almost blind
Archbishop of Canterbury put the crown on backwards.
- He then couldn't get up. - He shouldn't put it on at all. - No!
LAUGHTER
- He was larking about. - Yeah. - Yeah.
He also had to kneel down to swear fealty to the King
and then he couldn't get up again. So the King had to help him up.
Well, that's what royalty should be,
a blind Archbishop of Canterbury and a great big fat king
who keeps getting terrible constipation and being unable to turn up at his own coronation.
Exactly. But the film, you'll be pleased to know, was a huge success.
It briefly made that lavatory attendant one of the most
famous film stars in the world.
In 1902 there weren't many to compare him with, but he was huge.
- He was one of the biggest film star of the world. - Yeah, exactly.
And the King saw it when it came out, and he enjoyed it hugely, apparently.
According to a letter sent to us by Pauline Melies,
who is the great-great-granddaughter of the film maker.
Thank you, Pauline, for sending us that.
Do you think Edward thought it was real? He watched it and said, "I think I've lost weight."
Possibly. Possibly.
So, in the film, The Coronation Of Edward VII,
the man on the throne is a lavatory attendant.
Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please.
Where is the Duchy of Cornwall?
BUZZER
Yes?
Devon?
- You're right. - Is it?
That's to say...
APPLAUSE
That is to say, more of it is in Devon than is in Cornwall.
- It's mainly in Waitrose now. - Yes, you're quite right.
You know, in terms of value,
one packet of those biscuits would buy you a farmhouse.
Somebody from Australia, what's a duchy?
Is it something you'd pass to the left-hand side, or...?
A duchy is just another word for a dukedom.
One of the titles that was given to the Prince of Wales
when he was invested as Prince of Wales, in 1973,
was the Duke of Cornwall, which is typical.
There he was getting invested.
- That's the Cornish flag. - And that's the Cornish flag.
And that's pretty much all that can be said on that subject, I think, but you got it right.
Now, what does a cowboy call his rope?
GALLOPING AND FIRING
A lasso.
- ALARM SOUNDS - Oh, what a shame!
I don't think that's usual.
- Does he call it a rope? - He does. You're on fire!
- Come on! - Yeah.
Lassos and lariats and so on, if you used that word, it would be a
dead giveaway that you are, you know, like Billy Crystal,
a city slicker in the world of the Wild West.
They weren't invented in the Wild West, of course, obviously they'd been used before.
Ancient Egyptians used them to capture antelopes and wild oxen.
However, they didn't use horses, the ancient Egyptians.
Oh, look at that, they're catching a hippo with one.
- That's very impressive. - Hippos are nasty, aren't they?
- Oh, gosh, yes. - They kill lots of people, even though they're vegetarians.
Yeah, yeah. Usually by attacking boats and things like that.
But NASA is planning to use a lasso to capture what, would you imagine?
Stuff in space that's flying around dangerously, a bit like in Gravity?
Well, it's not dangerous stuff, it's an asteroid,
- it plans to lasso an asteroid, would you believe. - Oh, God!
And drag it into orbit around the moon.
- Why are all their ideas so ridiculous?! - I know.
They're going to choose a small one, it's only about seven metres across.
A specific type which would break up harmlessly in the Earth's atmosphere, in case it...
I think they should send Sandra Bullock to do it.
Which wonderful country is that there?
- Yes, look at it. - Hi.
It's about to be obliterated.
You'd better stay here, 'Col.
You can buy wonderful globes in Australia, can't you,
where it's upside-down, because there's no reason to suppose
that's the Earth the right way up.
A spaceship approaching Earth could easily see Australia at the top.
Which company makes the most tyres in the world?
Goodyear.
ALARM SOUNDS
Oh!
I had a very good year, thank you. But no, no, not Goodyear.
Harry Hill used to do that joke.
So who used to play Bet Lynch in...? What's the character, Julie...?
- Julie. - Julie, um... - Goodyear.
Yeah, not bad, thanks.
It's like the... Who was that Austrian racing driver Niki, Niki?
Lauda.
WHO WAS THAT AUSTRIAN?
Did you know that that actress was stabbed, sad story,
that actress who was stabbed, she was in Legally Blonde, Reese?
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Hey! Oh!
Who's that actress who was in Friends?
Courteney, Courteney...? What was her name?
Cox.
Caught any cock? No, not lately, you're supposed to say.
No, silly. Silly, silly, silly, silly, silly. Sorry.
- A good one to finish on. - Yeah, a very good one.
So who makes the most tyres in the world? It's not Goodyear.
- A major tyre manufacturer? - Dunlop? - Yes. It's not Dunlop.
Hankook? Hankook?
- Firestone. - Firestone. No, not Firestone.
Pirelli.
If we get the right one, do we get points?
- Yes, you'll get... - Pirelli? - Not Pirelli, no.
- Tyres, you know... - Continental?
< SHOUT FROM AUDIENCE: Lego!
Oh, audience gets the answer.
- Oh, Lego. - It's Lego. - Lego. Very good.
Very good, aren't they?
Hey!
- It sort of depends how you define a tyre, doesn't it? - It does.
They're not pneumatic, it must be said, but then tyres,
there were tyres before pneumatic tyres.
And they're not the same.
Well, there you are, on that interesting Lego note,
that's all for tonight.
Leaving only the little matter of the scores.
How interesting they are.
I'm afraid to say, in a rather convincing last place,
with minus 48, it's David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE
And a full 30 points ahead, with minus 18, Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE
Most impressively, skating on nil points, Alan Davies!
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Say what you like about them...
Every cliche proven.
Bad losers, bad winners, graceless, but unquestionably
nearly always victorious,
- our winner, Colin Lane with two points. - Yes!
APPLAUSE
So, it's goodnight from Colin, David, Jo, Alan and me.
And I leave you with the last words of British politician Henry Fox.
"If Mr Selwyn calls again, show him up.
"If I am alive, I shall be delighted to see him.
"And if I am dead, he would be delighted to see me."
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE