1 00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:29,540 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,060 --> 00:00:35,540 Goooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:40,180 where this week we're under doctor's orders as we dissect a Medley of Maladies. 4 00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:41,660 Joining me in the waiting room, 5 00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:46,740 with a 1984 edition of The People's Friend, we have Dr No, Lucy Porter. 6 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:50,660 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:50,660 --> 00:00:53,020 Dr Strangelove, Matt Lucas. 8 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:57,260 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:57,260 --> 00:00:59,540 Dr Zhivago, Ross Noble. 10 00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:03,740 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,460 And Dr Snuggles, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:05,460 --> 00:01:11,900 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:15,180 So, buzzers please, nurse. Lucy goes... 14 00:01:15,180 --> 00:01:20,300 DR ZHIVAGO THEME TUNE 15 00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:25,860 For the ignorant nonsenses amongst you, 16 00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:28,020 that was Dr Zhivago's theme tune. LAUGHTER 17 00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:29,300 Matt goes... 18 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:33,100 DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME TUNE 19 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:36,700 For those under 80, that was Dr Finlay's Casebook. 20 00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:39,260 So Ross Noble, he goes... 21 00:01:39,260 --> 00:01:44,860 DR WHO THEME TUNE 22 00:01:46,980 --> 00:01:49,940 Hmm, no, I don't know what that was. And Alan goes... 23 00:01:49,940 --> 00:01:53,100 # Oh, doctor, I'm in trouble 24 00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,820 ♪ Well, goodness gracious me... ♪ 25 00:01:55,820 --> 00:01:57,340 Oh, more of that. 26 00:01:57,340 --> 00:02:01,460 - Yeah, Goodness Gracious Me. - Can't get enough of it. - Well, there you are. 27 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:04,340 So, come in, lie down, pop your feet in the stirrups 28 00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:06,860 and let's see what the trouble is. 29 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,980 What did Typhoid Mary die of? 30 00:02:09,980 --> 00:02:11,140 Oh, don't...start! 31 00:02:12,460 --> 00:02:14,420 LAUGHTER 32 00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:16,420 DR WHO THEME TUNE Yes, Ross? 33 00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:19,540 Was it a lack of circulation to her toe? 34 00:02:22,420 --> 00:02:24,020 That is a possibility. 35 00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:25,380 Yeah. Is it typhoid? 36 00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:26,420 - Oh! - One! 37 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:32,980 Her name, as the label around that toe said, was Mary Mallon, 38 00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:36,740 and she was known as Typhoid Mary. 39 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,740 What did she die of? It wasn't typhoid. 40 00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:44,420 Er...why am I interrupting you? I don't even know. 41 00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:45,460 That's QI. Yeah. 42 00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:48,540 There was nothing wrong with her. Boredom, she'd had boredom from... 43 00:02:48,540 --> 00:02:52,780 - Car crash. - That's what I was going to say. - Waiting to get typhoid and never getting it. 44 00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:55,820 Boredom. She had typhoid. She didn't suffer from typhoid. 45 00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:57,100 But she never had symptoms. 46 00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,540 Yes, thank you. Thank you, Lucy Porter. 47 00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:03,580 You're welcome, Stephen Fry. She didn't have the symptoms, as Typhoid Mary, 48 00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:08,140 round about the turn of the century was a cook in New York. 49 00:03:08,140 --> 00:03:11,180 An Irish immigrant. As the name would suggest, Irish. 50 00:03:11,180 --> 00:03:15,900 Yeah. And she had typhoid, but no symptoms, she wasn't ill. 51 00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:18,740 She was immune to it, to all intents and purposes. 52 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:22,340 But, she was able to give it to others, and she did. 53 00:03:22,340 --> 00:03:24,380 30, 40, 50 people, possibly. 54 00:03:24,380 --> 00:03:30,020 It must have been freezing in that ward with all that snow. 55 00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,180 That's normally on the... 56 00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:33,940 It's taking... It's taking his mind off the fact he's being 57 00:03:33,940 --> 00:03:37,540 attacked by an octopus, at the back there. 58 00:03:37,540 --> 00:03:39,340 Something with trailing legs. 59 00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:42,380 Presumably they're, they're all lying there going, 60 00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:45,820 "Sorry, what did you say your name was? What Mary?" Exactly. 61 00:03:45,820 --> 00:03:50,300 "Glad to sharing a ward with you." Well, the sad thing is that she was not a nice person, 62 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:51,860 by any way of looking at it. 63 00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:54,940 All right, Stephen, she's dead - come on. 64 00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,820 Well, the thing is, she worked in households as a cook 65 00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:01,780 and people would die of typhoid in the household where she cooked, 66 00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:04,740 and she would mysteriously leave and take up a job in another one. 67 00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:07,420 - So she knew that she was a carrier. - Oh, she was a carrier. 68 00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:10,780 Because she was put into quarantine, and then she could go free 69 00:04:10,780 --> 00:04:14,020 as long as she never worked in service again, didn't cook. 70 00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:18,180 Within weeks, she got another job as a cook, and she tried to 71 00:04:18,180 --> 00:04:21,220 hide from the authorities, and so she ended up, the last two 72 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,140 decades of her life in quarantine 73 00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:25,500 and she died of pneumonia, in fact. 74 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:26,860 Ah. 75 00:04:26,860 --> 00:04:29,300 How did she pass it on? Saliva, fluids, body fluids. 76 00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,780 Oh, because she was, yeah, she had typhoid. 77 00:04:31,780 --> 00:04:34,140 - She went... - BREATHES OUT AND MIMES COUGHING 78 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:37,500 Yeah. But she actually coughed, anything like that. Yeah. 79 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:40,660 - She didn't have to wee in the soup. - And so her name has become synonymous. 80 00:04:40,660 --> 00:04:43,740 I don't know about it, I thought it was waterborne. Or was that cholera? 81 00:04:43,740 --> 00:04:45,820 Well, it's spread by the... 82 00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:48,980 The germ in question is salmonella typhi. 83 00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:50,140 The salmonellas. 84 00:04:50,140 --> 00:04:52,980 I thought you said that it's spread by a German. 85 00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:58,620 I thought you said, just one German, walking around the place. 86 00:04:58,620 --> 00:05:00,420 Is that the fella there, is it? 87 00:05:00,420 --> 00:05:01,780 There it is, yeah. 88 00:05:01,780 --> 00:05:05,540 - Yeah. - Unpleasant-looking. Why is it called salmonella? 89 00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:08,580 Salmon, that's salmon it's from, so it's fishborne. 90 00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:14,780 They were named by a bacteriologist called Salmon. 91 00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,380 - Oh, of course. - Dr Daniel Salmon. 92 00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:17,460 Of course. 93 00:05:17,460 --> 00:05:21,300 Who also died of pneumonia, as it happens, not of salmonella. 94 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:24,820 Well, I'll tell you what, I'm looking at that, I'm never going to eat Wotsits again. 95 00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:31,380 Now, what's the most deadly thing 96 00:05:31,380 --> 00:05:33,540 you can find in a doctor's waiting room? 97 00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:37,180 And you can look at that picture. Oh, a copy of the Daily Telegraph. 98 00:05:37,180 --> 00:05:39,660 LAUGHTER 99 00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:43,020 I'm guessing, looking at that example, 100 00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:46,780 is it the tiny baby bear which has crawled out 101 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,340 from inside that plant there? 102 00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:54,620 Oh, is it going to be that lethal water carrier thing in the corner? 103 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:57,980 Hang on, right next to a lamp?! Water next to electricity? 104 00:05:57,980 --> 00:06:00,460 That's a Health and Safety nightmare! 105 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:04,140 POSH VOICE: These people are seconds from death, why? 106 00:06:04,140 --> 00:06:07,020 You've got a fire engine there, you'll be fine. 107 00:06:07,020 --> 00:06:10,980 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - That's true. - On an electrical fire?! Are you mad?! 108 00:06:10,980 --> 00:06:12,980 LAUGHTER 109 00:06:12,980 --> 00:06:16,660 - Come on! - Does she take the pen and stab everyone in the waiting room? 110 00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:18,940 That's another... That would be dangerous. 111 00:06:18,940 --> 00:06:21,820 - Actually, Ross got it straightaway. - Shut your face! 112 00:06:21,820 --> 00:06:24,020 - It's the bear. - I knew it was the bear. - The bear? Yeah. 113 00:06:24,020 --> 00:06:27,980 - Why is it the bear? - Ha-ha, the murderer is in this very room! 114 00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:31,260 Well, you can't trust bears. Bears are shifty. 115 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:32,980 LAUGHTER 116 00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:36,500 - Can I say that isn't ACTUALLY a bear. - Ah. 117 00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:38,380 - It looks like a bear. - Well... 118 00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:40,580 If it were a bear, it would be far and away 119 00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:43,180 the most dangerous thing in the room. It's... 120 00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:44,860 I'd say to you, "prove it"! 121 00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:47,020 It's a soft cuddly toy. 122 00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:50,380 - Covered in germs! It's a carrier of diseases. - Yes. 123 00:06:50,380 --> 00:06:51,900 It's Bear Mary. 124 00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:54,220 LAUGHTER 125 00:06:54,220 --> 00:06:56,580 - Big bear's bear, you're right. - Typhoid bear. 126 00:06:56,580 --> 00:06:59,100 - Typhoid Beary, yeah. - Yeah. Typhoid bearer. 127 00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,140 Did you see what she did there? 128 00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:02,900 Typhoid Bearer, eh? Ha-ha! 129 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:05,020 Because a bear can't... 130 00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:06,700 A bear can't shit in the woods... 131 00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:09,340 A bear can't be cut... A bear can't... 132 00:07:09,340 --> 00:07:12,180 I don't know if I can really say this, because it sounds odd, 133 00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:14,340 but a bear can't be wiped down. 134 00:07:14,340 --> 00:07:16,820 - LAUGHTER - You've tried! 135 00:07:16,820 --> 00:07:19,580 Well, I mean, it can obviously be wiped down. 136 00:07:19,580 --> 00:07:22,340 You've wiped a lot of bears down. Come on, Stephen. 137 00:07:22,340 --> 00:07:24,740 LAUGHTER 138 00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:27,900 APPLAUSE 139 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:37,900 Not as hygienically as, say, an abacus, is that a Barbie or a Sindy? 140 00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:40,740 - I'm not really... - That's a Sindy. - That's a Sindy. Sindy... 141 00:07:40,740 --> 00:07:43,340 You've got to wipe them down every 45 minutes. 142 00:07:43,340 --> 00:07:47,220 Lego tower... Her legs go all the way up. The doll, of course... 143 00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:50,020 - You can chuck in the machine, can't you, your teddy bear? - I do. 144 00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:51,740 - You can do what? - Chuck it in the machine. 145 00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:54,500 Chuck it in the machine. On a hot wash, on a boil. You can, you can. 146 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,860 So, are we coming to the conclusion that Pudsey needs to die? 147 00:07:57,860 --> 00:07:59,860 LAUGHTER 148 00:07:59,860 --> 00:08:02,300 That's how he lost his eye, because somebody... 149 00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:05,500 No, he just needs to be boiled. Not killed, just boiled! 150 00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:07,340 Not too boiled. 151 00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:09,740 That would be the best opening to Children In Need ever, 152 00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:11,900 if it was literally cut to Terry Wogan, 153 00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:14,620 he was just there going, "Ah, good old Pudsey!" 154 00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:15,780 HE YELLS 155 00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:19,060 "Give me the money or Pudsey boils." 156 00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:22,780 There is something very eerie when you put kids' toys in the machine 157 00:08:22,780 --> 00:08:25,420 and wash them and then you just see their little faces 158 00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:29,060 pressed against the glass. Aah, and the children sit... 159 00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:31,100 Because you say to the kids, "You next, yeah." 160 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:33,980 The children sit there watching them going round and round. 161 00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:36,860 Now we know why it's called Winnie The Pooh. Hey, you're right! 162 00:08:36,860 --> 00:08:39,620 His real name is "Winnie The Filthy Shit". 163 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,060 LAUGHTER 164 00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:43,540 Oh, dear! 165 00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:44,940 Thank you very much. 166 00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:47,140 APPLAUSE 167 00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:52,620 13.5% of "hard" toys 168 00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:54,260 in GP's waiting rooms... 169 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,900 - Don't google that, whatever you do! - LAUGHTER 170 00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:01,500 - Don't google "hard toys"! - No. 171 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,380 Don't google "wiping down bears". 172 00:09:03,380 --> 00:09:05,660 LAUGHTER 173 00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:08,100 Basically, it's a nightmare, isn't it? 174 00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:11,500 Certainly not "Winnie The Filthy Shit". 175 00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:15,220 She's a lovely girl, but she should never have started that website. 176 00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:18,180 You don't want to see... Not while you're eating, anyway. 177 00:09:18,180 --> 00:09:21,580 A shocking 90% of soft toys 178 00:09:21,580 --> 00:09:26,940 had serious moderate to heavy bacterial contamination. 179 00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:28,580 That's what I want to leave you with. 180 00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:31,380 LAUGHTER Magazines... 181 00:09:31,380 --> 00:09:34,180 Why do you think that the magazines 182 00:09:34,180 --> 00:09:37,740 in doctors' waiting rooms are so dull, so uninteresting? 183 00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:40,180 Because people steal the good ones, presumably! 184 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,860 Is the right answer! 185 00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:43,620 CHEERING Very good! 186 00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:45,980 APPLAUSE 187 00:09:45,980 --> 00:09:47,980 It's as simple as that. 188 00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:51,020 - Yeah. - Yeah. - Well, I'm not the only one, then. That is good... 189 00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:53,180 LAUGHTER 190 00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:56,300 I would never buy Now or Chat, but if it's there... 191 00:09:56,300 --> 00:10:00,860 Yeah. Nobody steals New Statesman or The Economist. 192 00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:01,980 You might be able... 193 00:10:01,980 --> 00:10:05,340 Where do we stand on the gentleman's literature... 194 00:10:05,340 --> 00:10:08,460 in the booths... 195 00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:11,620 at a place of...fluid deposits? 196 00:10:11,620 --> 00:10:13,380 LAUGHTER 197 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:16,420 - The sperm banks? - That's the word I'm looking for. 198 00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:19,500 - Are they taken away? - What I'm saying is, is that, you know, 199 00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:21,660 - when they provide the... - HE MUTTERS 200 00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:24,300 ..where does that stand in the... You know... 201 00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,940 Like, on the filth scale, what are we...? 202 00:10:26,940 --> 00:10:28,420 LAUGHTER 203 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:30,660 Because I've only done that once 204 00:10:30,660 --> 00:10:32,780 and there wasn't literature. 205 00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:35,860 Strictly speaking, it wasn't a sperm bank, but... 206 00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:38,140 LAUGHTER 207 00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:40,660 Hang on, no, no, I... It was a regular doctor... 208 00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:42,820 It was the sperm building society. 209 00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:46,260 - It was a... - It was a regular doctor's? 210 00:10:46,260 --> 00:10:49,940 - It was a... No, wait... - You went to the doctor's for a wank? - Yes! 211 00:10:51,060 --> 00:10:52,620 No, no, no. 212 00:10:52,620 --> 00:10:55,460 What happened was, I used to live right out in the bush, 213 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:59,380 - right out in the countryside, right, miles away, right. - Yeah, good! 214 00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:02,140 LAUGHTER 215 00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:05,500 - And I needed to do the... - Were you on a register? 216 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,660 LAUGHTER 217 00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:09,180 I am now! But the... 218 00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:11,460 No, but we lived too far away. 219 00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:14,260 By the time you've done the deposit in the beaker... 220 00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:17,340 - Your sperm have died. - Exactly. By the time you drove in. 221 00:11:17,340 --> 00:11:18,500 So, my wife just said, 222 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,220 "Hey, why don't we just go to the regular doctor's 223 00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,980 "and then you nip into the... and then have..." 224 00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:26,020 and the only thing that was in there was, 225 00:11:26,020 --> 00:11:29,580 you know on a lady's sanitary bag, 226 00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:33,060 - they have a picture of a woman in Victorian costume? - Yes. 227 00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,780 LAUGHTER 228 00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:38,020 There's very few things that I'm happy to admit in public, 229 00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:41,820 but I can't look at Mary Poppins in the same way now. 230 00:11:41,820 --> 00:11:44,380 LAUGHTER 231 00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:47,740 - I fully, to the... With the... - You didn't do it in the bag? 232 00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,300 LAUGHTER 233 00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,260 - What I'm saying is... - Yes? 234 00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:55,780 What I'm saying is, when a gentleman goes to a sperm bank, 235 00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:59,700 - and they provide you with... - No gentleman goes to a sperm bank, sir! 236 00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:01,020 LAUGHTER 237 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:04,940 They provide you with a copy of Smash Hits, The One Direction Special... 238 00:12:04,940 --> 00:12:06,500 LAUGHTER 239 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:07,580 Yeah. 240 00:12:07,580 --> 00:12:10,140 - That's... Yes. - Or whatever, yeah. 241 00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:14,300 I believe that's why Harry Styles's hair goes like that. 242 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:19,260 - Something about Harry. - Right across like that. Yeah. 243 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:22,220 APPLAUSE 244 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,380 So, there we are. 245 00:12:25,380 --> 00:12:28,660 The most dangerous thing in a waiting room is a cuddly toy. 246 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,940 Which bits of your bodies could you do without? 247 00:12:30,940 --> 00:12:34,100 I'm going to give you an example of a human body. 248 00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:37,460 So, that you can possibly... That's for you two. 249 00:12:37,460 --> 00:12:40,700 - Kidney, you can lose a kidney, can't you? - This is for you two. This is... 250 00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:42,340 That is one of the most macabre 251 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,700 Bobbleheads I've ever seen. Look at that. 252 00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:46,580 LAUGHTER 253 00:12:46,580 --> 00:12:48,820 - "Good afternoon." - Woohoo! 254 00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,540 - Shall we take out the bits we think? - Yeah, take out the... 255 00:12:52,540 --> 00:12:53,940 Take out the bits we think? 256 00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,340 Take out a bit that you think we can do without. 257 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,740 You're taking out the entire intestines. Stop it. 258 00:12:58,740 --> 00:13:00,420 LAUGHTER 259 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:04,940 There goes the liver. There goes one lung and another. 260 00:13:04,940 --> 00:13:07,100 I don't know what that is, but it's going. 261 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,540 ALAN GROANS 262 00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:15,580 - You got that right. - He died. It's died. - That's one dead human. 263 00:13:15,580 --> 00:13:18,180 Are you offering me a lung? Half a brain. 264 00:13:18,180 --> 00:13:21,140 No, I was just trying to make a pork pie. 265 00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:23,500 LAUGHTER 266 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:24,780 Oh! 267 00:13:24,780 --> 00:13:27,380 Fine, it's fine... 268 00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:28,980 There it is! 269 00:13:28,980 --> 00:13:31,060 What have you got there? A kidney. 270 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:34,220 A kidney. That's what I was looking for! 271 00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:37,700 It's not good surgical practice to get rid of everything else 272 00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:40,540 - between you and the kidney. - I couldn't get to the kidney! 273 00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:43,380 And now, I can't get it back together again. 274 00:13:43,380 --> 00:13:46,300 - I'm going to say... - Nurse! - Right. 275 00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:50,340 I'm going to say, if you're a man, you don't... Do you need a nipple? 276 00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:53,180 It's a very good question, as to why men have nipples at all. 277 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:56,380 They look hot when they're pierced, but apart from that. 278 00:13:56,380 --> 00:13:59,020 I don't really know why else you would need one. 279 00:13:59,020 --> 00:14:02,220 Well, the fact is that, there are lots of bits you can do without. 280 00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:05,140 Tonsils, obviously, you knew that. Appendix, you have those out. 281 00:14:05,140 --> 00:14:07,660 Appendix, you knew that. What else have you come across? 282 00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:09,380 You've given me a kidney, which is good. 283 00:14:09,380 --> 00:14:10,900 I can't get it back together again. 284 00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,780 Gall bladder you could give me. Sinuses. Head. 285 00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:17,420 - Sinuses? - Yeah. You don't need a face. Appendix. Testes. 286 00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:20,020 I mean, obviously, we LIKE having testes, if you're a man, 287 00:14:20,020 --> 00:14:21,980 but you won't die if they're taken away. 288 00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:24,620 - Mine hasn't got any testes, sir. - Uterus. Uterus, ovaries, 289 00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:26,900 all that shebang. You can lose the ovaries. 290 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:30,340 Basically, all you need is a neck. Yeah. Half your brain can go. 291 00:14:30,340 --> 00:14:33,220 In fact, there's an operation, a hemispherectomy. 292 00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:36,060 - Well you've done very well with that, haven't you? - Thanks, yes. 293 00:14:36,060 --> 00:14:38,260 LAUGHTER 294 00:14:38,260 --> 00:14:40,260 - Congratulations. - Thank you very much. 295 00:14:40,260 --> 00:14:42,660 APPLAUSE 296 00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:45,620 - If you remove... - Oh, hang on, hair! What about hair? 297 00:14:45,620 --> 00:14:48,780 Yes. And what do you reckon, Matt? 298 00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:52,140 LAUGHTER 299 00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:58,860 Well, I don't know why you're asking me. 300 00:14:58,860 --> 00:15:02,220 What happens if I were to remove four fifths of your liver? Yeah. 301 00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:04,260 It would grow back. 302 00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:07,260 Yes, that's the thing about livers, they do, they regenerate, 303 00:15:07,260 --> 00:15:08,420 you get that back. 304 00:15:08,420 --> 00:15:11,500 Teeth, obviously. Bladders can also be regrown, amazingly. 305 00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:14,300 The bones in your leg, the fibula and tibia, 306 00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:16,020 the fibula isn't load-bearing, 307 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,860 so you could lose that and you'd still be able to walk. 308 00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:22,860 Really? I'll have that out. I'm going to do it. 309 00:15:22,860 --> 00:15:26,340 Can you name one of the most famous people on earth 310 00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:30,060 who has gone without a lung since he was a teenager? 311 00:15:30,060 --> 00:15:33,060 - He, so, it's a he. - Justin Bieber. 312 00:15:34,220 --> 00:15:36,140 Possibly more famous than Justin Bieber. 313 00:15:36,140 --> 00:15:38,380 Barack Obama. No, I can't. I don't know. 314 00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:41,540 Hang on a minute, more famous than Justin Bieber? 315 00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:45,300 Harry Styles? Argentinian. 316 00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:48,060 "I don't know foreign people, what's all this about?!" 317 00:15:48,060 --> 00:15:51,100 There's only one truly famous Argentinian. "Well, I don't know 'em, 318 00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,380 "I don't know, I tell you, I don't watch that show." 319 00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:55,300 - Pele. - Diego Mara... - Diego Maradona. 320 00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,180 Diego Maradona's the only one I know. 321 00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:59,260 - No. The Pope! - ALL: Oh. 322 00:15:59,260 --> 00:16:01,620 Oh, yes, he is quite famous! Pope Francis, there he is. 323 00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:04,100 - The Pope, yes. - Yeah. - He's only got the one lung? 324 00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:06,340 He's gone happily without a lung for a long time. 325 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:08,300 What happened when they were picking him 326 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,660 and all that smoke's coming out of the top... 327 00:16:10,660 --> 00:16:13,660 Oh, I bet he was wheezing up that bit, wasn't he? 328 00:16:13,660 --> 00:16:15,420 Going "Hey! You're the Pope!" 329 00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:18,420 He's going, "Oh, oh, me lungs! Oh, me one lung's playing up, mate!" 330 00:16:18,420 --> 00:16:21,220 Was he born with one lung, or did he have it removed, he lost it? 331 00:16:21,220 --> 00:16:24,060 As a teenager he had one removed. So, good. 332 00:16:24,060 --> 00:16:26,300 - Can you pop your bodies away. Did I just say that? - Yes. 333 00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:29,700 - Put your bodies away. - And we just reacted as if that was normal. 334 00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:33,300 There's your kidney. OK, so, Alan, I've got a question for you. 335 00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:35,900 It's quite complicated in a way. 336 00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:37,660 If you had kidney failure... 337 00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:38,860 Right. 338 00:16:38,860 --> 00:16:43,060 I would willingly, happily, gladly donate a kidney to you. 339 00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:46,300 LAUGHTER 340 00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:47,860 There you are... 341 00:16:47,860 --> 00:16:50,860 I don't like the way they're looking at me, I must say. 342 00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:54,260 - So, you've got one of my kidneys, I'm glad... - Thank you, Stephen. 343 00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:55,740 There's no greater cause. 344 00:16:55,740 --> 00:16:58,340 That would leave me with one kidney, obviously. 345 00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:00,340 How many kidneys would you have? 346 00:17:00,340 --> 00:17:03,420 Well, I presume that I've lost one, 347 00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:06,740 one's failed, and you've given me one, so I've got two. 348 00:17:06,740 --> 00:17:08,820 KLAXON BLARES Oh! 349 00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:13,700 - It's a strange thing... - 14 years! 350 00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,420 ..in the world of renology, 351 00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:21,060 is that when someone has a kidney transplant... 352 00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:23,620 - Yes. They take them both out. - The old one stays in. 353 00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:27,780 - Oh, does it? - Yes. So you'd have three. - Oh. - Very odd, isn't it? 354 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,100 - That's greedy, isn't it? - It's greedy, it seems it. 355 00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:32,900 There's a case of a man who had repeated transplants 356 00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,820 and he has five kidneys inside him. 357 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,900 - Enough for a pie, isn't it? - He's almost a stew. 358 00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:40,140 LAUGHTER 359 00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:45,700 Oh, I wish I was wearing a hat, 360 00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,380 I would have taken it off to you for that. 361 00:17:48,380 --> 00:17:50,020 Here's another handshake. 362 00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:52,900 Well, there are many body parts that anybody can do without. 363 00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:56,660 What's wrong with 80% of medical students? 364 00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,660 They're so tired from pole dancing all night... 365 00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:03,020 LAUGHTER 366 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,700 ..they can't focus. 367 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:10,940 They're exhausted from complaining about being tired. 368 00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:13,100 Well, medical students do get a hard time of it, 369 00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:15,620 they get very tired, but they have a condition. 370 00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:17,100 I'm going to say 371 00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:22,300 that they imagine that they're ill a lot, because they... 372 00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:25,620 It's what I have, where you read about stuff, and you go, 373 00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:28,180 "Oh, my God! Totally got that! I've got totally got that!" 374 00:18:28,180 --> 00:18:30,620 Yes, hypochondria is what it's all about. 375 00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:34,580 And medical students tend to believe they have the disease of the week. 376 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:38,740 Each week, they learn about some extraordinary new condition 377 00:18:38,740 --> 00:18:40,940 and they believe they have it. 378 00:18:40,940 --> 00:18:43,980 And vets get that as well and they think they've got myxomatosis. 379 00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:45,300 LAUGHTER 380 00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:48,300 If you were a vet, then you'd end up just loving your ball. 381 00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:50,260 LAUGHTER 382 00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:56,300 "Oh, he loves his food, don't you, Doctor?" "Yeah!" 383 00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,940 "Stop licking that, Doctor, stop licking it!" 384 00:18:59,940 --> 00:19:01,460 "He doesn't mind, he likes it!" 385 00:19:01,460 --> 00:19:05,140 LAUGHTER Yeah, it's called Medical Student Syndrome, 386 00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:07,540 and it was first identified in 1908, 387 00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:09,060 so it's well over 100 years old. 388 00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:11,260 If they read about Medical Student Syndrome, 389 00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:13,300 they will also believe they've got that. 390 00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,420 - They'll think they've got everything. - Even if they haven't, 391 00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:20,260 they will then get it. So, it's long been recognised. 392 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,740 The worst case scenario is always death. 393 00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:25,140 It could be, you may just have a headache, 394 00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:27,700 - or it may be a terminal brain tumour. - Yeah. 395 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,100 We just don't know. Good day. 396 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:32,140 When you smell something that isn't there and no-one else can smell, 397 00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:34,580 Like, "Can you smell burning rubber or burning hair?" 398 00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:37,220 And they go, "No. Oh, you might have a brain tumour." 399 00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:40,100 - Yeah. Or you're pregnant. - Or your head might be on fire! 400 00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:41,620 Oh, yeah. 401 00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:44,740 "I can smell burning hair." "Yeah, you want to put that out, mate." 402 00:19:44,740 --> 00:19:46,700 Yeah, possibly. 403 00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:49,340 Who might be having sex 404 00:19:49,340 --> 00:19:50,740 on your face 405 00:19:50,740 --> 00:19:52,020 right now? 406 00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:54,020 LAUGHTER 407 00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:55,620 Kim and Kanye? 408 00:19:57,820 --> 00:20:00,300 In your dreams! They love it! 409 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:04,380 Who is having sex on your face right now? 410 00:20:04,380 --> 00:20:08,460 - Bacteria. It's usually bacteria, go with me on this. - Mites. 411 00:20:08,460 --> 00:20:11,220 Mites, you said mites. Mites was the right answer. 412 00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:13,140 Mites. Mites. 413 00:20:13,140 --> 00:20:16,340 - Well, it MIGHT be. - Let's... Hey! 414 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,740 - Mites, maybe. - Let's consider this. 415 00:20:18,740 --> 00:20:21,940 There are mites that live on the human face. 416 00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:24,580 They, unfortunately... 417 00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:27,340 They're disgusted already, don't go any further! 418 00:20:27,340 --> 00:20:30,140 Only 14% of them are visible to the human eye, 419 00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:33,020 most of them are not. ALL: 14%?! 420 00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:35,340 - Yes. - Visible? - Yeah. Listening very closely. 421 00:20:35,340 --> 00:20:37,420 What, just... "I like your moustache!" 422 00:20:37,420 --> 00:20:40,140 And then it starts curling up like that. 423 00:20:40,140 --> 00:20:41,540 HE JABBERS 424 00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:44,940 Not that visible, I mean, they're really, really tiny. 425 00:20:44,940 --> 00:20:48,180 They're very small. They have no anuses. 426 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,820 Oh, thank God for that! 427 00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:51,620 No! 428 00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:54,260 I don't mind the intercourse, it's the shitting I can't stand. 429 00:20:54,260 --> 00:20:56,860 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 430 00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:01,460 Unfortunately, Alan, the fact they have no anuses means 431 00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:03,060 that when they die, 432 00:21:03,060 --> 00:21:07,420 a whole lifetime's waste is deposited on your face. 433 00:21:07,420 --> 00:21:08,900 LAUGHTER 434 00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,420 That's what happens. 435 00:21:10,420 --> 00:21:13,620 Is this 14% waste you can see? 436 00:21:13,620 --> 00:21:15,540 No. But what percentage of human... 437 00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:18,020 That's a lovely tan you've got there, Stephen. 438 00:21:18,020 --> 00:21:21,380 LAUGHTER 439 00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:25,940 You may be right. 440 00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:30,220 But what percentage, tracking that waste, 441 00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:32,260 voided at the death of the mite, 442 00:21:32,260 --> 00:21:34,340 on account of its having no anus, 443 00:21:34,340 --> 00:21:36,460 what percentage of human beings 444 00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:39,620 has been calculated to have mites on their face? 445 00:21:39,620 --> 00:21:43,500 - Oh, I know this. - Yeah? - But I'm not going to tell you. 446 00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:47,620 Oh, I'll guess at either 12 or 86. 447 00:21:48,980 --> 00:21:51,580 - Any other thoughts? High. - 0.1%. - High. - 91%. 448 00:21:51,580 --> 00:21:53,580 No, the answer is 100%. 449 00:21:53,580 --> 00:21:58,300 - Oh... - We all have these mites on our faces. 450 00:21:58,300 --> 00:22:01,180 LAUGHTER All of us, all of us. 451 00:22:01,180 --> 00:22:04,380 And there's nothing... You can't wash them out, 452 00:22:04,380 --> 00:22:08,100 - they're perfectly happy to have water... - Her Majesty the Queen? - Yes. 453 00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:10,700 - Her Majesty the Queen has... - Royal mites. 454 00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:14,100 ..has anus-less mites wandering about willy nilly on her face? 455 00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:16,620 Jawohl! German mites! 456 00:22:16,620 --> 00:22:18,020 Unbelievable! 457 00:22:18,020 --> 00:22:19,900 Her Royal Highness?! 458 00:22:19,900 --> 00:22:23,220 Yeah, I know. Hard to believe, isn't it? 459 00:22:23,220 --> 00:22:25,260 But there it is, we all have mites on our face, 460 00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:27,580 but there are also, some people believe two thirds 461 00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:31,980 and other scientists believe 98% of us have eyebrow mites. 462 00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:34,860 Although one of us here, 463 00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:38,860 one of us here won't have eyebrow mites. 464 00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:41,660 Matt might not have eyebrows. 465 00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:44,140 So, he doesn't, so he doesn't! 466 00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:46,260 I don't got no eyebrows, cos... 467 00:22:46,260 --> 00:22:48,580 Mum says it's cos I'm special. 468 00:22:48,580 --> 00:22:50,300 LAUGHTER 469 00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:53,780 Well, you are special. I am. You are. 470 00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:55,780 I lost my hair when I was six. 471 00:22:55,780 --> 00:22:58,580 Was it traumatic? Did you bang your head or something? 472 00:22:58,580 --> 00:23:02,340 Well you know, Duncan Goodhew fell out of a tree. Yeah. 473 00:23:02,340 --> 00:23:05,020 Well, it was my head he landed on and my hair... 474 00:23:05,020 --> 00:23:07,260 Hey! No, because. 475 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:10,300 Why? I think it's an overactive immune system, 476 00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:12,300 that something happened, 477 00:23:12,300 --> 00:23:15,580 then something inside me said, "Right, we don't need no hair!" 478 00:23:15,580 --> 00:23:18,860 Like I'm not... And treated your hair as a foreign invader. 479 00:23:18,860 --> 00:23:20,740 Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day, 480 00:23:20,740 --> 00:23:23,580 and we didn't have the window open, I don't know. 481 00:23:23,580 --> 00:23:25,380 Maybe you're just a super-evolved human, 482 00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:27,980 because we don't really need hair and we're all going... 483 00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:29,780 No, we do, this country's cold! 484 00:23:29,780 --> 00:23:32,940 LAUGHTER 485 00:23:32,940 --> 00:23:35,060 We do, we do. 486 00:23:35,060 --> 00:23:36,860 I suffer, I do suffer. 487 00:23:36,860 --> 00:23:39,860 Well, I would say, I mean, I feel your pain, 488 00:23:39,860 --> 00:23:42,940 but I would say that I'm quite a hairy-chested man, 489 00:23:42,940 --> 00:23:46,300 and with small children, when you're holding a small child, 490 00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:50,700 they like to grab a hold of the chest hair and then just lean back. 491 00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:53,980 LAUGHTER Ow. You don't want that. 492 00:23:53,980 --> 00:23:57,140 And it's when you've got a beautiful little face just there, 493 00:23:57,140 --> 00:24:00,500 - just looking at you and you go... - HE SCREAMS - ..into it. 494 00:24:01,860 --> 00:24:04,860 - Apparently, that's not good for raising a child. - Right. 495 00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:08,340 - You're trying to make me feel better? - Yeah. - Well, you didn't, 496 00:24:08,340 --> 00:24:10,820 because I'm gay. I don't have children, I'm very lonely. 497 00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:12,500 AUDIENCE: Ahhh. 498 00:24:12,500 --> 00:24:14,580 All right, then, well here's the thing, 499 00:24:14,580 --> 00:24:17,100 - we'll work out a time-share thing. - OK. 500 00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:22,340 - I will make you a chest wig out of my own chest hair... - Yes. 501 00:24:22,340 --> 00:24:24,020 - And glue it onto you. - All right. 502 00:24:24,020 --> 00:24:26,900 - And then allow my children to rip it off. - OK. 503 00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:29,420 I'm all about equality, I want you to feel the pain 504 00:24:29,420 --> 00:24:32,980 - of having your tits ripped off by a small child. - All right. 505 00:24:32,980 --> 00:24:35,500 And I will arrange for a whole group of men 506 00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:38,580 - to come and have sex with you. - Marvellous! 507 00:24:38,580 --> 00:24:41,100 APPLAUSE 508 00:24:43,180 --> 00:24:46,700 Wow! Marvellous. You were there, ladies and gentlemen. 509 00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:51,140 Now, which of your organs most resembles an elephant's trunk? 510 00:24:51,140 --> 00:24:53,140 Come on. 511 00:24:53,140 --> 00:24:54,740 LAUGHTER 512 00:24:54,740 --> 00:24:56,060 Oh, God. 513 00:24:56,060 --> 00:24:59,060 - Go on, who wants it? Alan, Ross, me? - No, no, no, no. 514 00:24:59,060 --> 00:25:01,100 - Who wants it? - Go on, you go on. 515 00:25:01,100 --> 00:25:04,700 I'm just trying to think of the most humorous way to phrase it. 516 00:25:05,740 --> 00:25:08,220 Yeah, well, no, it's not. It's not penis. It isn't. 517 00:25:08,220 --> 00:25:11,820 - Of course, it isn't. Well... - Isn't it? Nose? - Can your penis do that? 518 00:25:11,820 --> 00:25:13,540 An elephant's penis... 519 00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:18,940 It may, there may be it's a dangling, pendulous appendage, your penis, 520 00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:21,220 and so is a trunk, but really, 521 00:25:21,220 --> 00:25:22,860 truly resembling in structure. 522 00:25:22,860 --> 00:25:25,420 That's not one there, is it? Down the bottom there? 523 00:25:25,420 --> 00:25:26,740 It's swinging, yes. 524 00:25:26,740 --> 00:25:29,900 - That's it, that's the... - He's got tusks down there... 525 00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:33,260 There's a lot going on... Stephen, move out of the way. 526 00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:35,620 The, yeah, no, the elephant can... 527 00:25:35,620 --> 00:25:38,260 - It has a... - Yeah. 528 00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:39,660 Good God! 529 00:25:39,660 --> 00:25:43,700 Yes, all right. All right, class. It has a... 530 00:25:43,700 --> 00:25:47,220 Very amusing. There's an animal that has organs of generation, 531 00:25:47,220 --> 00:25:49,220 let's laugh at that for a long time. 532 00:25:49,220 --> 00:25:52,300 - Hmm. - Yeah, but it is quite funny. - It is funny, though. 533 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:53,860 LAUGHTER 534 00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:57,660 HE GIGGLES 535 00:25:57,660 --> 00:25:59,460 The elephant, this is... 536 00:25:59,460 --> 00:26:01,060 And this is true this, 537 00:26:01,060 --> 00:26:04,620 - the elephant is the only mammal that has a chin. - Yes. 538 00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:07,420 Well, what about humans?! 539 00:26:07,420 --> 00:26:09,140 LAUGHTER 540 00:26:09,140 --> 00:26:11,500 Well, yeah, obviously, apart from humans. 541 00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:14,180 Apart from humans. Bruce Forsyth. He's got two. 542 00:26:14,180 --> 00:26:16,340 Exactly, if he was an elephant. Imagine that. 543 00:26:16,340 --> 00:26:18,820 But what is it about the trunk that... What is...? 544 00:26:18,820 --> 00:26:20,820 We have an organ that is like the trunk. 545 00:26:20,820 --> 00:26:23,580 Is it the "prehensility", is that a word? 546 00:26:23,580 --> 00:26:26,380 African elephants have almost like lips 547 00:26:26,380 --> 00:26:28,660 which can pick up a blade of grass, 548 00:26:28,660 --> 00:26:31,340 prehensile kind of little bits there, 549 00:26:31,340 --> 00:26:34,620 but the actual tongue itself is interesting, it's a muscle. 550 00:26:34,620 --> 00:26:37,620 - Oh, hang on, so what about the lip? - I mean, the trunk. 551 00:26:37,620 --> 00:26:40,140 - Ah, have you given us a hint? - The trunk is... - Ah, the tongue! 552 00:26:40,140 --> 00:26:42,900 - The trunk and our tongue is the same. Ah. - So what about...? 553 00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:46,260 Our tongue is also a muscle. It's a muscular hydrostat. 554 00:26:46,260 --> 00:26:50,460 The reason the trunk can take on any shape is because it's all muscle. 555 00:26:50,460 --> 00:26:54,460 And mostly water, which you wouldn't think of a muscle, but it's true. 556 00:26:54,460 --> 00:26:56,900 And water can't be compressed, of course, 557 00:26:56,900 --> 00:26:58,660 liquids cannot be compressed. 558 00:26:58,660 --> 00:27:00,260 I've had a Capri-Sun 559 00:27:00,260 --> 00:27:01,940 and they've got that packet, 560 00:27:01,940 --> 00:27:05,420 and they carry it around. You can put them under pressure, but they will burst out. 561 00:27:05,420 --> 00:27:08,460 So, that means like, so you can pull a muscle, so does that mean 562 00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:11,420 that sometimes an elephant will be flicking away and... 563 00:27:11,420 --> 00:27:12,540 And pull his tongue. 564 00:27:12,540 --> 00:27:15,660 And he'll go, "Ow! I've cramped-up me trunk!" 565 00:27:15,660 --> 00:27:18,660 - It's a horrible thought. - And they have to rub a bit of Deep Heat. 566 00:27:18,660 --> 00:27:21,900 You have to go some to pull a muscle in your tongue though, don't you? 567 00:27:21,900 --> 00:27:24,740 Well, while on the subject of muscles, 568 00:27:24,740 --> 00:27:27,220 which of us here has the strongest muscle? 569 00:27:27,220 --> 00:27:30,260 Well, it's bound to be the lady, isn't it? 570 00:27:30,260 --> 00:27:31,980 I don't look like that. 571 00:27:31,980 --> 00:27:35,740 - Yeah, for the birthing. - Yes, so, which muscle would it be? 572 00:27:35,740 --> 00:27:38,980 Pelvic floor? They're always going on about the pelvic floor. 573 00:27:38,980 --> 00:27:40,300 LAUGHTER 574 00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:44,460 It's the uterus. Oh, the uterus! The uterus is a muscle. Yeah. Yes. 575 00:27:44,460 --> 00:27:46,740 And of all the muscles in the human body, 576 00:27:46,740 --> 00:27:50,220 it exerts the most pressure, pound for pound. 577 00:27:50,220 --> 00:27:54,700 The amount of force that it exerts is the equivalent to a long bow, 578 00:27:54,700 --> 00:27:57,420 - so if you imagine someone... - Good God! 579 00:27:57,420 --> 00:27:59,820 Pray God, I'm looking under the desk going, 580 00:27:59,820 --> 00:28:01,820 "Don't have a long bow under there, please." 581 00:28:01,820 --> 00:28:03,140 I am not prepared to do that! 582 00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:05,940 Is that why when my wife went into labour she put an apple on my head? 583 00:28:05,940 --> 00:28:07,980 LAUGHTER 584 00:28:09,620 --> 00:28:13,700 Well, the jaw can exert pressure which is extremely high 585 00:28:13,700 --> 00:28:17,700 and 500 pounds per square inch, roughly, which is enormous. 586 00:28:17,700 --> 00:28:20,860 And the gluteus maximus is the largest muscle in the human body, 587 00:28:20,860 --> 00:28:24,980 the buttock muscle. But it is the uterus that wins the prize. 588 00:28:24,980 --> 00:28:27,380 Now, you mentioned the gluteus maximus, 589 00:28:27,380 --> 00:28:29,300 the arse muscles there. 590 00:28:29,300 --> 00:28:31,580 This is a true thing, right. 591 00:28:31,580 --> 00:28:37,620 It is physically impossible for the human buttocks to break an egg. 592 00:28:37,620 --> 00:28:40,220 - LAUGHTER - That is true. 593 00:28:40,220 --> 00:28:42,740 That is absolutely 100% true 594 00:28:42,740 --> 00:28:45,660 and I've tried it, and... 595 00:28:46,980 --> 00:28:50,220 - And the beautiful thing... - You put it in the crack in the cleavage? 596 00:28:50,220 --> 00:28:51,580 As much as you want. 597 00:28:51,580 --> 00:28:54,860 He's not allowed to work in kitchens any more. 598 00:28:54,860 --> 00:28:57,620 And he keeps going back like Typhoid Mary. 599 00:28:59,420 --> 00:29:02,140 Yeah, if you put the egg between the buttocks, 600 00:29:02,140 --> 00:29:04,420 and then it doesn't matter how hard you squeeze, 601 00:29:04,420 --> 00:29:05,860 impossible to crack the egg. 602 00:29:05,860 --> 00:29:07,940 Now, here's the thing, I know that to be true, 603 00:29:07,940 --> 00:29:10,580 there might be people watching this who question that. 604 00:29:10,580 --> 00:29:12,500 But I like to think all over the country... 605 00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:16,500 People are now introducing eggs into the area. 606 00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:18,220 Heading for the kitchen, 607 00:29:18,220 --> 00:29:20,060 "Is Noble lying or not?" Hmm. 608 00:29:20,060 --> 00:29:22,780 I mean, if you've got somebody lying there, you put an egg there, 609 00:29:22,780 --> 00:29:24,580 if somebody else is there to go like that. 610 00:29:24,580 --> 00:29:27,500 Ah, but then that's not the muscle doing it. 611 00:29:27,500 --> 00:29:29,460 Ah, OK, yeah. That's the point. 612 00:29:29,460 --> 00:29:32,420 It's the muscle, can you by a twitch, a pulling in? 613 00:29:32,420 --> 00:29:35,460 - Exactly. - I'm doing it now. 614 00:29:35,460 --> 00:29:38,180 LAUGHTER I think the worry would be... 615 00:29:38,180 --> 00:29:41,060 Underneath... Oh, that Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone. 616 00:29:41,060 --> 00:29:42,260 LAUGHTER 617 00:29:42,260 --> 00:29:44,580 That's probably melting rather than... 618 00:29:44,580 --> 00:29:47,540 The worry is that you do it and the egg could go right up. 619 00:29:47,540 --> 00:29:50,260 - That's a worry? - You see, that's interesting. 620 00:29:50,260 --> 00:29:51,860 LAUGHTER 621 00:29:51,860 --> 00:29:53,100 APPLAUSE 622 00:29:53,100 --> 00:29:54,380 Sorry. 623 00:29:58,220 --> 00:30:01,900 So, yes, your tongue is a muscular hydrostat, 624 00:30:01,900 --> 00:30:04,060 like an elephant's trunk. 625 00:30:04,060 --> 00:30:08,780 What's the difference between "post-orgasmic illness syndrome" 626 00:30:08,780 --> 00:30:10,940 and "floppy trunk syndrome"? 627 00:30:10,940 --> 00:30:12,540 GIGGLING 628 00:30:14,140 --> 00:30:17,220 It was a mistake to choose the blue costume, wasn't it? 629 00:30:19,060 --> 00:30:22,220 Those pink ones are floppy trunks, technically. Yes. 630 00:30:22,220 --> 00:30:24,500 He needs a bra, doesn't he, that fella... 631 00:30:25,660 --> 00:30:29,020 - It's show-casing the medal lovely though, isn't it? - Yeah. 632 00:30:29,020 --> 00:30:30,860 LAUGHTER 633 00:30:30,860 --> 00:30:33,140 Are these human conditions? 634 00:30:33,140 --> 00:30:35,380 In the case of floppy trunk syndrome, 635 00:30:35,380 --> 00:30:38,220 I can tell you that it's not a human condition, 636 00:30:38,220 --> 00:30:40,420 - you'll be pleased to know. - Is it an elephant? 637 00:30:40,420 --> 00:30:42,780 It is a condition that affects elephants, 638 00:30:42,780 --> 00:30:45,740 a very unhappy condition, affects African elephants. 639 00:30:45,740 --> 00:30:48,340 They can't do anything, without that, can they? 640 00:30:48,340 --> 00:30:49,820 No, they absolutely can't. 641 00:30:49,820 --> 00:30:52,140 It just seems to lose all power and it flops 642 00:30:52,140 --> 00:30:55,340 and they often push it over their heads to keep it out of the way... 643 00:30:55,340 --> 00:30:58,540 - What, flick it away? - ..to stop it trailing on the ground. 644 00:30:58,540 --> 00:31:02,020 And then the lady elephant says, "Don't worry, it's happened before." 645 00:31:02,020 --> 00:31:04,180 Yes, leaf through these books. Doesn't matter. 646 00:31:04,180 --> 00:31:07,540 And they have to half immerse themselves in water just to drink. 647 00:31:07,540 --> 00:31:09,940 They can't eat properly, they get emaciated 648 00:31:09,940 --> 00:31:11,540 and they're very often put to death 649 00:31:11,540 --> 00:31:14,100 as a kind of mercy killing, because there's no cure for it 650 00:31:14,100 --> 00:31:16,500 and there's no understanding of where it comes from. 651 00:31:16,500 --> 00:31:20,260 There must be some kind of erectile dysfunction technology 652 00:31:20,260 --> 00:31:24,140 that could help. I suppose, it's a muscle after all, therefore... 653 00:31:24,140 --> 00:31:27,380 What you don't want is it suddenly shooting straight up. 654 00:31:27,380 --> 00:31:29,060 LAUGHTER 655 00:31:29,060 --> 00:31:30,420 That's equally useless. 656 00:31:32,500 --> 00:31:34,540 It's true, that is just hopeless. 657 00:31:34,540 --> 00:31:38,180 "Equally useless" is a very good phrase. 658 00:31:38,180 --> 00:31:39,900 It can't get out from the tree. 659 00:31:39,900 --> 00:31:41,660 LAUGHTER 660 00:31:41,660 --> 00:31:43,820 So that's your floppy trunk syndrome. 661 00:31:43,820 --> 00:31:45,660 What's your post-orgasmic illness? 662 00:31:45,660 --> 00:31:49,020 I presume that does affect humans rather than... This is human, yeah. 663 00:31:49,020 --> 00:31:51,500 Is it those feelings of revulsion that you get after... 664 00:31:51,500 --> 00:31:52,820 Yes, yeah, absolutely. 665 00:31:52,820 --> 00:31:55,660 Where you're just saying, "I don't even care what is, 666 00:31:55,660 --> 00:31:59,660 - "I don't know the name, I just want them to leave." - Yeah. - Yeah. 667 00:31:59,660 --> 00:32:03,820 You can say, "Just here, please, driver," and get out. 668 00:32:03,820 --> 00:32:06,700 This is a worse version. These are the symptoms. 669 00:32:06,700 --> 00:32:08,620 After sex, flu-like symptoms, 670 00:32:08,620 --> 00:32:12,820 rashes, itching, exhaustion and concentration difficulties, 671 00:32:12,820 --> 00:32:13,860 Alan. 672 00:32:15,100 --> 00:32:16,980 I'm sorry? 673 00:32:16,980 --> 00:32:18,580 It happens to men 674 00:32:18,580 --> 00:32:24,500 and it's believed to be a result of being allergic to your own semen. 675 00:32:24,500 --> 00:32:25,860 Ah. 676 00:32:25,860 --> 00:32:28,660 Not because you've drunk it or tasted it, 677 00:32:28,660 --> 00:32:31,380 though let's face it, which of us hasn't? 678 00:32:31,380 --> 00:32:32,900 It's... 679 00:32:32,900 --> 00:32:35,620 Oh... Oh, dear. 680 00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,620 Did I mis...? Did I misjudge? 681 00:32:38,620 --> 00:32:41,860 Stephen, Stephen, my mum's sitting just up there. 682 00:32:41,860 --> 00:32:44,420 Oh! I'm sorry. She told me not to do this show. 683 00:32:44,420 --> 00:32:46,620 I am so sorry. 684 00:32:46,620 --> 00:32:49,860 See if you can guess the cure for being allergic to your own semen? 685 00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:52,380 Introduced onto your skin or anything like that, 686 00:32:52,380 --> 00:32:54,500 it caused the problem. 687 00:32:54,500 --> 00:32:58,780 To solve it, because you know, like, if you're like allergic to cats 688 00:32:58,780 --> 00:33:02,940 - and you slowly bring a cat closer... - Yes. - Is it the same thing? 689 00:33:02,940 --> 00:33:06,540 - Yes. - Do you just...? - Yes, it is. - You stand on your head and, well...? 690 00:33:06,540 --> 00:33:08,260 Well, you don't have to do that, 691 00:33:08,260 --> 00:33:10,540 - you ask a doctor to do it for you. - Oh, God, no! 692 00:33:10,540 --> 00:33:14,420 Multiple subcutaneous injections of your own semen. 693 00:33:14,420 --> 00:33:18,340 Well, I've injected into others, but not into myself. 694 00:33:18,340 --> 00:33:19,900 Oh! 695 00:33:19,900 --> 00:33:21,060 I would... 696 00:33:21,060 --> 00:33:23,660 How dare you?! Your mum's in tonight! 697 00:33:23,660 --> 00:33:25,660 Oh, yeah, sorry, Mum. Sorry. 698 00:33:25,660 --> 00:33:27,900 I'd be less comfortable injecting into myself, 699 00:33:27,900 --> 00:33:29,260 I don't think it would reach. 700 00:33:29,260 --> 00:33:31,180 Right, yes, absolutely, completely. 701 00:33:31,180 --> 00:33:34,820 Oh, don't go coy, now, Stephen Fry! You brought it up! 702 00:33:34,820 --> 00:33:38,180 Why, on this picture of sperm, have they blotted out all the faces? 703 00:33:38,180 --> 00:33:39,900 LAUGHTER 704 00:33:39,900 --> 00:33:41,900 Good question. 705 00:33:41,900 --> 00:33:44,220 Well, that seems to be the problem with multiple... 706 00:33:44,220 --> 00:33:46,900 Oh, post-orgasmic syndrome. 707 00:33:46,900 --> 00:33:50,140 LAUGHTER 708 00:33:50,140 --> 00:33:52,460 I imagine the effort, the physical effort. 709 00:33:52,460 --> 00:33:55,260 Another unfortunate allergy is suffered by Ian Wragg, 710 00:33:55,260 --> 00:33:56,940 spelled W-R-A-G-G, 711 00:33:56,940 --> 00:33:58,820 a Yorkshire magician, 712 00:33:58,820 --> 00:34:01,620 who is allergic to the rabbits that he pulls out of the hat. Aah. 713 00:34:01,620 --> 00:34:05,860 Well, why doesn't he pull out cocker spaniels, or kittens or... 714 00:34:05,860 --> 00:34:08,580 That must be brilliant though, seeing his show. 715 00:34:08,580 --> 00:34:10,900 Because the top hat, if he puts his hand in, 716 00:34:10,900 --> 00:34:12,820 his hand comes out twice the size. 717 00:34:15,500 --> 00:34:18,260 He doesn't even need to pull the rabbit out. 718 00:34:18,260 --> 00:34:20,460 - "Look at this, kids!" - HE YELLS 719 00:34:21,740 --> 00:34:25,500 We had a lady who came in to work on Little Britain, 720 00:34:25,500 --> 00:34:29,100 an animal handler, and she was terrified of... 721 00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:32,700 Is that for bringing in David Walliams? "Here he is!" 722 00:34:34,220 --> 00:34:36,780 - HE GROWLS - "Oh!" 723 00:34:36,780 --> 00:34:38,260 It was... 724 00:34:38,260 --> 00:34:41,580 I'm diplomatically not laughing, but I'm laughing inside. 725 00:34:42,980 --> 00:34:45,900 And this animal handler was terrified of mice 726 00:34:45,900 --> 00:34:47,620 and she had mice on the show. 727 00:34:47,620 --> 00:34:49,940 - She was like... "Ugh, ugh!" - No? - Yeah. 728 00:34:49,940 --> 00:34:53,500 And I just thought, "Pick another job, there's a lot of other jobs." 729 00:34:53,500 --> 00:34:56,180 - It's ridiculous. Yeah, I know. - That's very funny. 730 00:34:56,180 --> 00:34:58,020 I once worked with an animal handler who, 731 00:34:58,020 --> 00:34:59,940 he had a parrot on his shoulder 732 00:34:59,940 --> 00:35:01,460 and he was chatting away 733 00:35:01,460 --> 00:35:03,100 and then every now and again, 734 00:35:03,100 --> 00:35:05,660 the parrot would just steal his hearing aid. 735 00:35:05,660 --> 00:35:08,140 LAUGHTER 736 00:35:08,140 --> 00:35:10,980 And every time he did it, he looked at him as if to go, 737 00:35:10,980 --> 00:35:13,380 "Oh, my parrot's just stolen my hearing aid." 738 00:35:13,380 --> 00:35:16,460 And then he had to try and get it back off the parrot... 739 00:35:16,460 --> 00:35:18,220 "The parrot's got it." "What?" 740 00:35:18,220 --> 00:35:20,620 "The parrot's got it." "What? Oh..." 741 00:35:20,620 --> 00:35:23,620 - Well, there you go. - "I've got it... What?" 742 00:35:23,620 --> 00:35:26,540 That's one of the worst things an elephant can suffer from, 743 00:35:26,540 --> 00:35:28,740 it's floppy trunk syndrome. 744 00:35:28,740 --> 00:35:30,820 Who has the best teeth in the world? 745 00:35:30,820 --> 00:35:33,460 I really like this question and the answer. The Bee Gees. 746 00:35:33,460 --> 00:35:36,620 - Bee Gees, they have good teeth. - John Bishop? 747 00:35:36,620 --> 00:35:40,140 - I'm looking for a nation, I'm looking for a people. - Americans. 748 00:35:40,140 --> 00:35:42,940 KLAXON BLARES Who did you say, Americans? No. 749 00:35:42,940 --> 00:35:44,340 No, I didn't say that. 750 00:35:44,340 --> 00:35:47,340 Is it Scandinavian, it must be the Scandinavians... 751 00:35:47,340 --> 00:35:50,220 - No. - Oh, no, it'll be... - The English. - It'll be the... 752 00:35:50,220 --> 00:35:53,580 - Yes! The British. - Yeah! - The British have the best teeth in the world! 753 00:35:53,580 --> 00:35:54,940 CHEERING 754 00:35:54,940 --> 00:35:58,340 It's true. According to... 755 00:35:58,340 --> 00:36:00,220 We win again! 756 00:36:00,220 --> 00:36:01,660 According to the OECD, 757 00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:05,620 the Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development, 758 00:36:05,620 --> 00:36:07,580 - international body. - Well remembered. 759 00:36:07,580 --> 00:36:10,100 They looked at all the different nations of the Earth 760 00:36:10,100 --> 00:36:13,580 and they found that, according to fillings and decay, and so on, 761 00:36:13,580 --> 00:36:18,820 that British children had the best teeth on Planet Earth! 762 00:36:18,820 --> 00:36:21,620 Did they just go to one particular school in Notting Hill? 763 00:36:21,620 --> 00:36:23,340 I don't think so. I think it was... 764 00:36:23,340 --> 00:36:26,260 Yeah, they said that's because we've got less fillings, 765 00:36:26,260 --> 00:36:28,860 it may be because we don't go to the dentist at all. 766 00:36:28,860 --> 00:36:31,300 "Fewer" fillings. Fewer fillings. 767 00:36:31,300 --> 00:36:34,300 Ooh! Stephen... I was just being silly. 768 00:36:34,300 --> 00:36:36,220 Knock knock. Yeah, who's there? 769 00:36:36,220 --> 00:36:37,620 To. To who? 770 00:36:37,620 --> 00:36:39,100 No, it's "to whom". 771 00:36:39,100 --> 00:36:41,300 LAUGHTER 772 00:36:41,300 --> 00:36:43,580 APPLAUSE Yes, touche! 773 00:36:43,580 --> 00:36:45,620 Yes. Tou-bloody-che! 774 00:36:45,620 --> 00:36:46,860 Yes. Yes. 775 00:36:46,860 --> 00:36:49,500 - Oh, I love that. - LAUGHTER 776 00:36:49,500 --> 00:36:53,540 But, actually, you could argue that the best teeth in the world 777 00:36:53,540 --> 00:36:57,100 - are in fact not human, but the limpet. - The limpet. 778 00:36:57,100 --> 00:36:59,940 - What's so great about limpets' teeth? - They get them stuck in a rock. 779 00:36:59,940 --> 00:37:01,380 Yeah, they're on their tongue 780 00:37:01,380 --> 00:37:05,220 and they're the strongest biological matter on Earth. 781 00:37:05,220 --> 00:37:08,020 Incredible power. To give you an example... 782 00:37:08,020 --> 00:37:10,220 - "Limpets' teeth"? - Limpets' teeth. 783 00:37:10,220 --> 00:37:14,300 Now how do they compare, on the scale, bees' knees, limpets' teeth? 784 00:37:14,300 --> 00:37:19,620 Where are we on the scale there? 785 00:37:19,620 --> 00:37:23,380 Well, it's about hanging things from spaghetti. 786 00:37:23,380 --> 00:37:25,420 - Right. - Right. 787 00:37:25,420 --> 00:37:27,500 The "bees' knees", I have to tell you, 788 00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:29,860 is just an American way of expressing 789 00:37:29,860 --> 00:37:34,220 when immigrants from Italy and other places said, "It's the business." 790 00:37:34,220 --> 00:37:35,540 It's the "beesness". 791 00:37:35,540 --> 00:37:37,020 - Oh. - Became "bees' knees", 792 00:37:37,020 --> 00:37:41,340 So, it's not really anything to do with the knee of a bee, as such. 793 00:37:41,340 --> 00:37:43,500 Oh, what about, "It's-a the dog's-a bollocks!" 794 00:37:43,500 --> 00:37:45,860 LAUGHTER 795 00:37:45,860 --> 00:37:49,420 But their teeth strength is the equivalent of 796 00:37:49,420 --> 00:37:52,180 a single string of spaghetti 797 00:37:52,180 --> 00:37:56,980 holding up 3,000 half-kilo bags of sugar. 798 00:37:56,980 --> 00:38:00,580 - Or 1,500 kilo bags. - LAUGHTER 799 00:38:00,580 --> 00:38:02,100 Aaah, right. 800 00:38:02,100 --> 00:38:04,540 So. Moving on. 801 00:38:05,780 --> 00:38:08,580 And now, as is our general practice, 802 00:38:08,580 --> 00:38:11,940 it's time to prescribe a dose of General Ignorance. 803 00:38:11,940 --> 00:38:13,540 Fingers on buzzers. 804 00:38:13,540 --> 00:38:16,780 What did Gabriele Falloppio call these? 805 00:38:18,460 --> 00:38:21,020 DR ZHIVAGO THEME TUNE Yes, Lucy? 806 00:38:21,020 --> 00:38:22,580 "My bloody tubes." 807 00:38:22,580 --> 00:38:24,300 "My bloody tubes!" 808 00:38:24,300 --> 00:38:27,380 He didn't call them tubes. DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME TUNE 809 00:38:27,380 --> 00:38:29,820 Are they those, what do they call it, Beats? 810 00:38:29,820 --> 00:38:32,660 Those headphones, the Beats. 811 00:38:32,660 --> 00:38:34,340 LAUGHTER 812 00:38:34,340 --> 00:38:37,540 - Fallopians by Dre. - Yeah. Dr Dre. 813 00:38:37,540 --> 00:38:39,820 Fallopian tubes, we think of. 814 00:38:39,820 --> 00:38:42,740 - Yeah. But Falloppio... - He called them something else. 815 00:38:42,740 --> 00:38:46,900 He thought, when he identified these shapes inside the lady person... 816 00:38:46,900 --> 00:38:48,460 A lady's pipes. 817 00:38:48,460 --> 00:38:50,700 Yeah, he thought they reminded him of what were 818 00:38:50,700 --> 00:38:53,060 in those days rather long musical instruments 819 00:38:53,060 --> 00:38:55,940 with an end like a trumpet's bell, these were tubas. 820 00:38:55,940 --> 00:38:59,460 And so he called them "tubas". 821 00:38:59,460 --> 00:39:01,660 And if you have a tuba, 822 00:39:01,660 --> 00:39:05,660 if you have a word ending in A in Italian, 823 00:39:05,660 --> 00:39:08,260 how do you pluralise it? What is two "tuba"? 824 00:39:08,260 --> 00:39:09,780 - Tube. - "Tube." - Tube. 825 00:39:09,780 --> 00:39:12,980 Tube. With an E on the end, spelled T-U-B-E. 826 00:39:12,980 --> 00:39:17,740 So, when it went around the world as his "tube", his "tubas", 827 00:39:17,740 --> 00:39:19,260 people saw the word "tube". 828 00:39:19,260 --> 00:39:21,860 But, in fact, he had called them "tubas". Gosh! 829 00:39:21,860 --> 00:39:23,260 So now, when a lady breaks wind, 830 00:39:23,260 --> 00:39:25,780 she can say, "I'm sorry, "it's just my fallopian tubas." 831 00:39:25,780 --> 00:39:27,140 - ALAN PARPS - Just the old tuba. 832 00:39:27,140 --> 00:39:29,420 - HE PARPS - Sorry about my tuba. - Her tube. 833 00:39:29,420 --> 00:39:32,100 That's quite interesting, a reasonably interesting piece. 834 00:39:32,100 --> 00:39:34,420 - That is quite interesting. - Quite interesting, yes. 835 00:39:34,420 --> 00:39:36,140 He also gave the world the condom. 836 00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:39,100 He was 16th century, so it was in 1540s and '50s. 837 00:39:39,100 --> 00:39:41,820 What were they made of, then? I will show you. This. Linen. 838 00:39:41,820 --> 00:39:43,300 Oh, is it the old pig's bladder? 839 00:39:43,300 --> 00:39:46,140 Would you like to play with a condom? What, is that a real one? 840 00:39:46,140 --> 00:39:47,540 No, that's not a real one. 841 00:39:47,540 --> 00:39:50,460 No, made by our director's wife, as a matter of fact. 842 00:39:53,500 --> 00:39:55,860 HE PUFFS 843 00:39:55,860 --> 00:39:58,340 I love blowing up a condom, don't you? 844 00:39:58,340 --> 00:39:59,900 Falloppio was very... 845 00:39:59,900 --> 00:40:00,940 Didn't answer. 846 00:40:00,940 --> 00:40:02,180 ..ahead of his time. 847 00:40:02,180 --> 00:40:03,740 A condom for you, there you are. 848 00:40:03,740 --> 00:40:05,620 He was very ahead of his time. 849 00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:10,140 He reckoned that the use of these would save a lot of deaths 850 00:40:10,140 --> 00:40:12,420 and infections from syphilis. 851 00:40:12,420 --> 00:40:14,220 And he actually gave... 852 00:40:14,220 --> 00:40:18,380 1,100 men, he gave condoms 853 00:40:18,380 --> 00:40:20,540 and none of them developed syphilis. 854 00:40:20,540 --> 00:40:23,740 Not one of those men got pregnant. Very good. 855 00:40:23,740 --> 00:40:26,380 - And I'll tell you what, keep you warm, wouldn't it. - Yeah. 856 00:40:26,380 --> 00:40:30,220 Yeah, it's... Not right for the woman, because it's quite abrasive. 857 00:40:30,220 --> 00:40:33,220 Well, yes. Well... LUCY GIGGLES 858 00:40:35,220 --> 00:40:37,220 Yes, I don't know. Oh, Lucy! My! 859 00:40:37,220 --> 00:40:39,940 Well, it seems that a fallopian tube 860 00:40:39,940 --> 00:40:43,460 should really have been a fallopian tuba. 861 00:40:44,860 --> 00:40:47,820 So, which of these couples is most likely to catch a cold? 862 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:52,780 Couple on the left, because you get more of it from contact with hands. 863 00:40:52,780 --> 00:40:55,940 You're right. Yeah, because then you scratch your eyes and you... 864 00:40:55,940 --> 00:40:58,020 - That's exactly the point. - Yes. 865 00:40:58,020 --> 00:41:00,900 Mucus and the nose, and people who do that who've got a cold. 866 00:41:00,900 --> 00:41:02,980 They get left everywhere on door handles. 867 00:41:02,980 --> 00:41:06,060 They shake hands with someone. But saliva is not a problem, 868 00:41:06,060 --> 00:41:08,220 as far as cold transmission is concerned, at all. 869 00:41:08,220 --> 00:41:10,420 Really? Saliva, what you can't, oh...? No. 870 00:41:10,420 --> 00:41:12,460 You can osculate as much as you like, 871 00:41:12,460 --> 00:41:16,540 you can give it good French and you won't necessarily get a cold from it. 872 00:41:16,540 --> 00:41:19,180 You may get another disease, but... Who's that? I've seen her. 873 00:41:19,180 --> 00:41:21,420 - What's her name? - It's Dame Vera Lynn. 874 00:41:21,420 --> 00:41:24,540 In the blue, I've seen her. Oh, um, on the stamp, that's it. 875 00:41:24,540 --> 00:41:27,740 Look at her face, covered in mites! Look at it! 876 00:41:27,740 --> 00:41:29,820 LAUGHTER 877 00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:31,020 Disgusting! 878 00:41:31,020 --> 00:41:34,420 You disgust me, Your Majesty! You disgust me! 879 00:41:34,420 --> 00:41:38,460 Look at Dame Vera Lynn there, you could eat your dinner off her face! 880 00:41:38,460 --> 00:41:40,580 That's why we won the war. 881 00:41:40,580 --> 00:41:43,460 - She's let the country down with those mites. - Yeah. 882 00:41:43,460 --> 00:41:45,580 Look at Terry Wogan leaning forward going, 883 00:41:45,580 --> 00:41:47,100 "Oh, Jesus, I poked his eye out, 884 00:41:47,100 --> 00:41:48,940 "I put him in a pan and boiled his head!" 885 00:41:48,940 --> 00:41:50,740 LAUGHTER 886 00:41:50,740 --> 00:41:53,260 Anyway, this could go on for ever, but it mustn't. 887 00:41:53,260 --> 00:41:56,300 It mustn't, and it won't, and it shan't and shut up! 888 00:41:56,300 --> 00:41:58,380 So, you're more likely to catch a cold 889 00:41:58,380 --> 00:42:02,300 from holding someone's hand than tickling their tonsils. 890 00:42:02,300 --> 00:42:05,980 Here's an easy question, what's a hip fracture? 891 00:42:05,980 --> 00:42:07,780 It's cracking the hip bone? 892 00:42:07,780 --> 00:42:10,500 Is it not really a fracture and that's why you're asking us...? 893 00:42:10,500 --> 00:42:12,100 KLAXON BLARES 894 00:42:12,100 --> 00:42:14,700 A fracture of the hip. Oh, I see. 895 00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:17,540 A hip fracture is not a fracture of the hip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 896 00:42:17,540 --> 00:42:19,700 It's weird to say this, but it's true. 897 00:42:19,700 --> 00:42:22,860 A hip fracture is a fracture of the femur, of the long thigh bone, 898 00:42:22,860 --> 00:42:25,780 there. OK, but, what if you actually fracture your hip, you'll... 899 00:42:25,780 --> 00:42:27,100 That's a pelvic fracture. 900 00:42:27,100 --> 00:42:30,660 But what if you actually fracture your pelvis? We could go on... 901 00:42:30,660 --> 00:42:33,340 I know, I know. It's a different name for every one! 902 00:42:33,340 --> 00:42:35,940 I know, it does seem mad, it's a question that was designed 903 00:42:35,940 --> 00:42:38,620 simply to get points out of Alan and it worked, and so... 904 00:42:38,620 --> 00:42:40,820 God, well, no wonder the doctors are going mad. 905 00:42:40,820 --> 00:42:43,220 Yeah, it is a bit peculiar, I grant you. 906 00:42:43,220 --> 00:42:45,500 And we now come coughing and spluttering 907 00:42:45,500 --> 00:42:50,900 to the most heavily doctored part of the whole evening - the scores. 908 00:42:50,900 --> 00:42:56,260 Oh, my. Well, in first place, with not a cough, not a tickle, 909 00:42:56,260 --> 00:42:58,140 clear skin, free of mites, 910 00:42:58,140 --> 00:43:00,300 on 9 points, it's Lucy Porter. 911 00:43:00,300 --> 00:43:03,140 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 912 00:43:03,140 --> 00:43:04,540 I thank you. 913 00:43:04,540 --> 00:43:06,740 I know. 914 00:43:06,740 --> 00:43:09,220 In second place, almost as healthy, 915 00:43:09,220 --> 00:43:10,980 it's Ross Noble on 7 points! 916 00:43:10,980 --> 00:43:14,380 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 917 00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:19,180 On -5, with a tickly throat, 918 00:43:19,180 --> 00:43:21,500 and not looking too well, 919 00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:23,060 it's Matt Lucas. 920 00:43:23,060 --> 00:43:24,620 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 921 00:43:24,620 --> 00:43:25,660 Thank you. 922 00:43:29,220 --> 00:43:33,020 And groaning and wheezing 923 00:43:33,020 --> 00:43:37,220 at death's door on -44, Alan Davies. 924 00:43:37,220 --> 00:43:40,100 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What?! 925 00:43:46,220 --> 00:43:50,380 So, it only remains for me to thank Matt, Ross, Lucy and Alan. 926 00:43:50,380 --> 00:43:53,500 I leave you with the words of Rodney Dangerfield. 927 00:43:53,500 --> 00:43:56,900 "When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother." 928 00:43:56,900 --> 00:43:58,900 Goodnight.