1 00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:06,300 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:25,380 --> 00:00:27,660 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,860 Goooooood evening! 4 00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:32,860 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 5 00:00:32,860 --> 00:00:35,180 and welcome to QI, 6 00:00:35,180 --> 00:00:39,700 where tonight we're on parade for all things military. 7 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:43,340 Here to do battle are the flag-waving Jimmy Carr. 8 00:00:43,340 --> 00:00:47,380 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:50,020 The sabre-rattling Sheila Hancock. 10 00:00:50,020 --> 00:00:52,980 APPLAUSE 11 00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:56,540 The war-mongering Jeremy Clarkson. 12 00:00:56,540 --> 00:00:59,100 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:03,060 And the ambulance-driving Alan Davies. 14 00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:05,580 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:08,340 --> 00:01:10,580 Now their buzzers are suitably belligerent. 16 00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:11,860 Jimmy goes... 17 00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:15,700 MUSIC: Theme from The Great Escape 18 00:01:18,740 --> 00:01:20,460 Sheila goes... 19 00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:24,660 MUSIC: Theme from 633 Squadron 20 00:01:24,660 --> 00:01:26,300 Jeremy goes... 21 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:30,420 MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Wagner 22 00:01:33,380 --> 00:01:35,060 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:37,740 March! March! March! March! 24 00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:39,300 March! March! March! 25 00:01:40,780 --> 00:01:41,900 Nice! 26 00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:46,780 What was unusual about Britain's war with Finland in 1941? 27 00:01:48,940 --> 00:01:50,060 Jeremy? 28 00:01:50,060 --> 00:01:52,540 Well, not a shot was fired. 29 00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:53,900 Oooh... 30 00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:55,340 No, it was the only time, I think, 31 00:01:55,340 --> 00:01:58,140 that two democracies have ever gone to war with one another. 32 00:01:58,140 --> 00:02:01,380 KLAXON 33 00:02:02,620 --> 00:02:04,500 That's a hell of an alarm. Yeah. 34 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:07,020 Does it know what we're thinking? Yes, definitely. 35 00:02:07,020 --> 00:02:08,660 How did you know that? 36 00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:11,940 Welcome to my world! 37 00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:15,860 11 years ago, Jeremy Clarkson, you said, on this very programme... 38 00:02:15,860 --> 00:02:16,940 That that was true! 39 00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:19,340 ..that the 1941 Anglo-Finnish War was the only one 40 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,500 fought between two democracies. 41 00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:25,420 Yeah. Well, have we declared war, since the show, started on France? 42 00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:27,740 No, there had been others before. 43 00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:30,580 A viewer named Otto Lowe has written to us... 44 00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:33,260 - Otto? He'd know! - ..to point out that we were wrong. 45 00:02:33,260 --> 00:02:35,780 So we're retro-actively taking points from you today. 46 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,820 LAUGHTER 47 00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:40,900 You had a slightly bad start to the year, but now it's got terrible! 48 00:02:40,900 --> 00:02:42,700 LAUGHTER 49 00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:45,900 - I'm really sorry. - It is 11 years ago I mentioned it! 50 00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:50,140 There was the fourth Anglo-Dutch War of 1780 to 1784. 51 00:02:50,140 --> 00:02:52,620 The Football War of 1969... What was that? 52 00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:54,260 ..between El Salvador and Honduras. 53 00:02:54,260 --> 00:02:56,140 Football War? The Football War. 54 00:02:56,140 --> 00:02:58,780 Had Honduras kicked a football into their...? 55 00:02:58,780 --> 00:03:00,500 LAUGHTER 56 00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:02,500 It only lasted ten hours, it must be said. 57 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:04,540 Was there a half-time? 58 00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:05,860 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:05,860 --> 00:03:07,980 Well, I'll go back to my original answer, then, 60 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:10,100 which was not a shot was fired. 61 00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,140 I'm afraid that's not true, either. 62 00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:15,020 13 people were killed in the Anglo-Finnish War. 63 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:19,900 The British attacked a port called Petsamo on 30th July, 1941. 64 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:23,580 I still think it's the only proper war fought between two democracies. 65 00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:26,300 Oh, give in, Jeremy, give in. 66 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,420 LAUGHTER 67 00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:31,740 If you'd gone home after the programme and looked it up, 68 00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:33,180 then you'd have known. 69 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,500 I did look it up before I mentioned it 11 years ago! 70 00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:37,260 LAUGHTER 71 00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:40,700 Well, Wikipedia has got more accurate since then. But, erm... 72 00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:43,620 LAUGHTER 73 00:03:43,620 --> 00:03:47,780 The fact is, despite its reputation, the Anglo-Finnish War of 1941 74 00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:50,500 is not the only time two democracies have fought each other. 75 00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:52,860 Now, if I can be serious for a moment. 76 00:03:52,860 --> 00:03:55,060 More than 100 million people were killed 77 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,860 in wars during the 20th century 78 00:03:56,860 --> 00:03:59,580 and the total number of people ever killed by wars 79 00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:01,780 could be as many as one billion. 80 00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:06,940 Einstein described war as "a cloak that covers acts of murder." 81 00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:11,420 And Antoine de Saint-Exupery called it "a disease, like typhus." 82 00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:14,940 With all that in mind, here is my question to you. 83 00:04:14,940 --> 00:04:17,580 Why did Hitler have such a silly moustache? 84 00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:19,820 LAUGHTER 85 00:04:19,820 --> 00:04:22,540 Thank God for that! I thought I was on the wrong show for a minute. 86 00:04:22,540 --> 00:04:24,260 It all got very serious. 87 00:04:24,260 --> 00:04:26,860 I'm sure you'd agree with my description of war, Sheila? 88 00:04:26,860 --> 00:04:28,340 I would, absolutely. 89 00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:31,460 This is a difficult show for me to be on because I'm a Quaker pacifist. 90 00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:34,660 So I'm not an ideal person on the thing. 91 00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:36,100 Were you born a Quaker? 92 00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:38,740 No, I wasn't. I was "a Quaker by convincement," as they call it. 93 00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:40,340 Is that what it's called? Yeah. Yeah. 94 00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:43,020 Because my family, the Fry family, were very early Quakers. 95 00:04:43,020 --> 00:04:45,540 Of course they were, yeah. It's a very admirable thing. 96 00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:47,980 And the pacifism is taken very seriously, isn't it? Yes. 97 00:04:47,980 --> 00:04:50,300 Well, it's a lovely thing until Hitler comes along 98 00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,180 and then it's not much use. 99 00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:57,460 Well, if we'd have done something about it before Hitler came along, 100 00:04:57,460 --> 00:04:59,820 - then maybe we would have... - Shaved his moustache off! 101 00:04:59,820 --> 00:05:01,740 And I think the reason he had that moustache 102 00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:04,100 is he was probably a fan of Oliver Hardy. 103 00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:08,860 Ah, well, it's certainly true that they were popular in the '20s 104 00:05:08,860 --> 00:05:11,420 and increasingly in the '30s among... 105 00:05:11,420 --> 00:05:14,020 Well, Charlie Chaplin, of course, is best known. Exactly. 106 00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:17,420 But, supposedly, Hitler changed from 107 00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:20,140 what was a relatively bushy moustache... 108 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:23,060 You may have seen a famous photograph of him as a gefreiter, 109 00:05:23,060 --> 00:05:25,540 a corporal, in the First World War. There he is on the left. 110 00:05:25,540 --> 00:05:28,580 But there are a couple of stories. No-one's quite sure which is true. 111 00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:32,460 There was a fellow who served with him, Alexander Moritz Frey - 112 00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:34,700 Great Uncle Alexander - 113 00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:38,260 he was in the same regiment in the First World War as Hitler 114 00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:41,380 and he said that Hitler trimmed it into the familiar toothbrush 115 00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:44,820 in order to fit into the gas mask properly. 116 00:05:44,820 --> 00:05:46,980 Frey's account is controversial, apparently. 117 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,700 He went on to become a satirist and fantasy novelist, 118 00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:51,700 starting a family tradition. 119 00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:53,260 And so... 120 00:05:53,260 --> 00:05:56,260 But here's a point about Hitler. He's judged very harshly by history, 121 00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:58,460 but he did kill Hitler. 122 00:05:58,460 --> 00:06:00,860 LAUGHTER 123 00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:04,660 APPLAUSE 124 00:06:05,660 --> 00:06:08,220 That's... I can't take that away from you, Jimmy. 125 00:06:08,220 --> 00:06:10,620 Credit when credit is due. That's true. 126 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:15,180 Some historians believe that Hitler only adopted the 'tache in 1919. 127 00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:17,900 And his sister-in-law, who lived in Liverpool... 128 00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:19,540 What, she had one as well? 129 00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:20,780 LAUGHTER 130 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:23,860 She may have done. Do you know what her name was? 131 00:06:23,860 --> 00:06:25,860 - Muriel. - Almost, as it were. 132 00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:27,260 Scouse Adolf. 133 00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:29,100 - Bridget Hitler. - Bridget Hitler...? 134 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:31,220 Yeah, that was her name. Bridget Hitler. 135 00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,140 - Bridget Hitler?! - Is that true? 136 00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:36,780 Yes. She was married to Alois Junior, who was Hitler's half-brother. 137 00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:39,700 And they had a son, William Patrick Hitler. 138 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,140 Billy Hitler! 139 00:06:41,140 --> 00:06:42,940 William Patrick Hitler went to America 140 00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:45,660 and won a Purple Heart in the Navy. 141 00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:47,300 Changed his name, I presume. 142 00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:50,020 Eventually, to Stuart-Houston, I think. 143 00:06:50,020 --> 00:06:53,260 And he claimed he wanted to forget anything to do with his uncle, 144 00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:57,180 but he named his first son Alexander Adolf Stuart-Houston. 145 00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:59,180 LAUGHTER 146 00:06:59,180 --> 00:07:01,220 Aren't there still, in the American phone book...? 147 00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:02,420 I know there's a weird fact, 148 00:07:02,420 --> 00:07:04,580 it's quite interesting, might work on this show, 149 00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:08,180 where there's still, I think, nine people called Adolf Hitler... 150 00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:11,180 Really? ..that were obviously born before he came to... 151 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:14,900 Oh, watch it, because in 11 years they're going to ask you a question. 152 00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:16,700 LAUGHTER 153 00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:18,260 - Oh, Jesus! - You'll be, "Arrgh!" 154 00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:20,460 You're simmering about that, aren't you? 155 00:07:20,460 --> 00:07:22,300 I'm not a sore loser, but... 156 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,500 Yeah. 157 00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:27,420 Anyway, yes, Bridget in her memoirs said that he came to visit Liverpool 158 00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:30,180 and that she told him that he should trim the ends of his moustache 159 00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:31,700 to make it less bushy. 160 00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:34,820 But as she put it, "As in most things, he went too far." 161 00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:36,820 LAUGHTER 162 00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:38,340 That's put him in his place. 163 00:07:38,340 --> 00:07:40,380 Hey, take it easy, Bridget. 164 00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:41,780 Yeah, I know! 165 00:07:41,780 --> 00:07:44,460 Yeah, and speaking of things going a little bit too far, 166 00:07:44,460 --> 00:07:45,900 here's a question on mutinies. 167 00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:48,100 Everybody remembers the mutiny on the Bounty, 168 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,860 but give me the name and rank 169 00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,980 of the man who was overthrown and cast adrift in an open boat? 170 00:07:52,980 --> 00:07:55,620 - Christian. - Fletcher Christian. Wasn't he the one that...? 171 00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,460 KLAXON 172 00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:03,780 Is this just the BBC still getting at me? 173 00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:05,900 LAUGHTER 174 00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:08,700 APPLAUSE 175 00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:11,340 You were about to correct Sheila, weren't you? 176 00:08:11,340 --> 00:08:13,900 I was about to say, no, Fletcher Christian was the one who... 177 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:15,020 The mutineer. 178 00:08:15,020 --> 00:08:17,180 ..did the mutinying, but Captain... 179 00:08:17,180 --> 00:08:19,620 Was he a captain and was he called Bligh? 180 00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:22,900 KLAXON 181 00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:25,500 He was called Bligh. He was called William Bligh. 182 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:27,740 But he was a lieutenant commander. 183 00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:29,620 I thought it was Marlon Brando. 184 00:08:29,620 --> 00:08:31,860 KLAXON 185 00:08:31,860 --> 00:08:33,420 Oops, what happened there? 186 00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:36,020 Yeah, he was a commanding lieutenant on the Bounty 187 00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:39,020 and there was a mutiny, and what was the mutiny about, 188 00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:41,220 what was the prime cause of it? 189 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:44,260 - They couldn't get Netflix. - LAUGHTER 190 00:08:44,260 --> 00:08:47,700 - You would think they could... - Was there a shuffleboard incident? 191 00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:51,660 They could flick their net to catch... Bligh was being too strict. 192 00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:53,180 Well, they had been in Tahiti, 193 00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:56,540 where they had enjoyed the hospitality of Tahitian women. 194 00:08:56,540 --> 00:09:00,340 Beautiful food and fabulous climate and they just loved it so much, 195 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:03,300 and Bligh insisted that they all get back on the boat, 196 00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:04,900 to get back to their duties. 197 00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:07,660 Do you remember what the duties of the Bounty were? 198 00:09:07,660 --> 00:09:12,020 They were collecting flowers, or something. No, some food. Yes! 199 00:09:12,020 --> 00:09:14,660 Breadfruit. Breadfruit, that's it. 200 00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:18,260 Because they thought that may be the magical food for the British Navy. 201 00:09:18,260 --> 00:09:21,260 But they were really resentful at the idea that they had to get back 202 00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:24,380 to their duties and they eventually cast him adrift in an open boat. 203 00:09:24,380 --> 00:09:26,660 And they gave him just a sextant and a pocket watch 204 00:09:26,660 --> 00:09:29,060 and, miraculously, he made it all the way to Timor. 205 00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:30,580 It was a remarkable feat. 206 00:09:30,580 --> 00:09:33,140 But Bligh seems to have had problems commanding people, 207 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,140 because he was made Governor of New South Wales 208 00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:37,860 quite a few years after the mutiny, and they mutinied. 209 00:09:37,860 --> 00:09:40,500 There was a military putsch to kick him out. 210 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,180 - He obviously had the knack. - He had a bit of a knack. 211 00:09:43,180 --> 00:09:46,220 So this guy had a knack of upsetting people he worked with. Yeah. 212 00:09:46,220 --> 00:09:47,900 All right... 213 00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:50,900 LAUGHTER 214 00:09:52,420 --> 00:09:56,940 Yes, other mutinies - describe the Mutiny of the Monkeys. 215 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:00,660 Mutiny of the Monkeys? 216 00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:03,540 It seems to be that the one in the middle is going to an England match. 217 00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:06,660 Peter Tork had had enough. 218 00:10:06,660 --> 00:10:08,660 Oh, The Monkees! Very good. 219 00:10:08,660 --> 00:10:10,860 - See what I did there? - I do see what you did there. 220 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,500 He wanted a go on the hat, 221 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:15,860 and the one who always had the hat wouldn't let him have the hat. 222 00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:18,460 Anyway, the gig was cancelled. 223 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:23,580 The one who had the hat, his mum invented Post-It notes. 224 00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:27,140 Yes, which came about because they were bad stickers. 225 00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:28,580 Yeah. Yes. 226 00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:30,300 They were actually a failure, 227 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:33,420 because they didn't stick properly, then they thought, hang on a minute. 228 00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:35,260 They should have used superglue, 229 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:38,180 because that never sticks anything to anything. 230 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:40,820 - It doesn't! - I've lost the thread of this conversation! 231 00:10:40,820 --> 00:10:42,460 LAUGHTER 232 00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:44,260 Yes, you may not be alone, Sheila! 233 00:10:44,260 --> 00:10:46,460 Somehow, they were talking about... 234 00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:49,540 You see, it was the Mutiny of the Monkeys, showing pictures of monkeys, 235 00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:52,220 they were talking about the pop group... I was there with that. 236 00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:54,620 One of them... Who wears the hat, Mike Nesmith? 237 00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:56,900 His mother invented Post-It notes... 238 00:10:56,900 --> 00:11:01,220 - Or was it Tippex? It was in fact Tippex. Was it Tippex? Yup. - Oh! 239 00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:06,340 Oh, well, you got a free Post-It note fact, anyway. 240 00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:07,700 Yeah, very true. 241 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:11,620 So, no, we are in the world of primates here, actual monkeys. 242 00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:12,860 Mutiny of the Monkeys? 243 00:11:12,860 --> 00:11:15,340 Well, it was called the Monkey Mutiny, it was in 1890, 244 00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:18,220 a British vessel called the Margaret, 245 00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:20,820 which travelled from Durban to Boston 246 00:11:20,820 --> 00:11:25,060 and it contained a consignment of 400 cockatoos, 12 snakes, 247 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:28,740 two crocodiles, some monkeys, a gorilla and an orang-utan, 248 00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:30,740 to be delivered to an American zoo. 249 00:11:30,740 --> 00:11:33,860 Almost immediately, things started to go wrong. 250 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,460 I think I've seen a documentary about this. 251 00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:37,980 Is it called The Life Of Pi? 252 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,540 More or less, yes! Sorry, that actually happened? 253 00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:46,260 With the tiger, yes. So, come on, what kicked off... 254 00:11:46,260 --> 00:11:47,380 They were on a boat... 255 00:11:47,380 --> 00:11:50,460 Well, the rats ate the grain, which was intended for the cockatoos, 256 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:54,740 so they all died. The cockatoos? 400 cockatoos, dead. 257 00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:56,060 Food for the crocodiles! 258 00:11:56,060 --> 00:11:59,260 Yeah, there was a storm, the snakes and the crocodiles escaped, 259 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,180 so, the crew barricaded themselves into their cabins 260 00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:05,220 and wouldn't go out, but then, fortunately, the crocodiles 261 00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:07,580 and snakes fought each other until there was only one 262 00:12:07,580 --> 00:12:11,820 crocodile left, and eventually some cargo fell on it and it was killed. 263 00:12:11,820 --> 00:12:14,100 So, the truth could then come out... 264 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,860 And they all got new shoes. 265 00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:20,300 Then, the monkeys escaped and climbed the rigging, 266 00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:23,660 then they were swept off to sea and drowned. 267 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,740 Where were the human beings while all this was happening? 268 00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:29,060 - Shitting themselves! - They had hidden themselves 269 00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:31,300 in their cabin for a lot of it. They were scared. 270 00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:34,020 But by the time they did get to Boston, there was a gorilla, 271 00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:37,980 three monkeys and four parrots left, out of that whole consignment. 272 00:12:37,980 --> 00:12:40,340 That is why Boston Zoo is shit. 273 00:12:42,820 --> 00:12:46,260 - That's the survivors' photo, then! - Yes, exactly! 274 00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:50,140 Anyway, so, a mob of monkeys caused a mutiny on the Margaret. 275 00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:52,660 What's a better way to get out of the Army than shooting 276 00:12:52,660 --> 00:12:54,220 yourself in the foot? 277 00:12:54,220 --> 00:12:57,260 Putting your underpants on your head and pencils up your nostrils. 278 00:12:57,260 --> 00:13:00,300 KLAXON 279 00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:03,300 APPLAUSE 280 00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:09,340 AS ROWAN ATKINSON: "And remember to say...uh-bibble. 281 00:13:09,340 --> 00:13:12,260 "You must say...uh-bibble." Erm... 282 00:13:12,260 --> 00:13:16,300 Anyway, are we talking about now, or in history? First World War. 283 00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:19,700 Is it to say you were homosexual? Well, yeah... 284 00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:21,780 After the war, there was the conscription, 285 00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:24,020 the war was over... Oh, national service. 286 00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:26,660 You had national service, and I know one or two actors 287 00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:29,740 who pretended they were gay to get out of doing conscription. 288 00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:33,100 I've known more actors who pretended they were straight, but there we are. 289 00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:37,580 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 290 00:13:39,220 --> 00:13:42,580 You are right to be in the area of sexual behaviour, shall we say. 291 00:13:42,580 --> 00:13:44,780 Because there was this idea of a "Blighty wound", 292 00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:46,060 where in the First World War, 293 00:13:46,060 --> 00:13:49,060 you'd shoot yourself through the foot in order to be invalided... 294 00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:50,380 Chop your cock off. 295 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:53,300 Well, any of those, if you were discovered doing them, 296 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,060 would be a shootable offence. 297 00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:58,060 - It was considered desertion. - Cheesegrate it off. 298 00:13:58,060 --> 00:13:59,580 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 299 00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:00,820 Ooh! 300 00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:04,300 If you haven't tried it, don't judge. 301 00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:07,180 Sorry, so, did people really shoot themselves in the foot? 302 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,660 Did that happen a lot? 303 00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:12,300 Not a lot, because they would just be accused of cowardice and desertion. 304 00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:15,500 - So, there was another way. - Running away. - Fraternise? 305 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:20,180 - Well, a very particular kind of fraternising. - Pursuing an officer. 306 00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:24,940 - You do get leave, even in Flanders... - Sex change. - Sorry? 307 00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:28,220 No, you don't have to go that drastic! 308 00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:30,260 Bestiality. 309 00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:37,700 - Oh, that would be all right. - Necrophilia. - Eugh! 310 00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:41,460 Look, come on, you're on leave, you go to Rouen or a Le Havre... 311 00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,740 - Oh, sexually transmitted disease. - Yes! 312 00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:47,700 Sexually transmitted disease is the answer. 313 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:53,300 What did you have to get in a brothel to get out of... 314 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:56,420 Well, venereal disease, usually it was the pox or the clap, 315 00:14:56,420 --> 00:14:57,900 syphilis or gonorrhoea. 316 00:14:57,900 --> 00:15:00,580 And you were five times more likely to have a venereal disease 317 00:15:00,580 --> 00:15:03,140 - than you were trench foot, on the front. - Then why didn't... 318 00:15:03,140 --> 00:15:04,500 Forgive me for asking, but why 319 00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:06,260 didn't everybody simply go to a brothel 320 00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:08,020 in the hope that they could get a dose... 321 00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:11,380 - They just about did, that's my point. - It would be tremendous! 322 00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:13,060 But it was quite well treated, 323 00:15:13,060 --> 00:15:16,780 and there didn't seem to be any utterly terminal or terrible 324 00:15:16,780 --> 00:15:19,580 form of venereal disease, so, you would get your few months off, 325 00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:21,940 and that for something, for that war... 326 00:15:21,940 --> 00:15:24,780 Then you could go home and see the wife. 327 00:15:24,780 --> 00:15:26,780 Yes... "All right, love? 328 00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:29,260 "Nice to see you, but we've got to rest this up..." 329 00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:33,300 There were 75,000 prostitutes in Paris alone, 330 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,620 less than 10% of whom were licensed. 331 00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:41,060 According to one contemporary report, 171,000 British troops visited 332 00:15:41,060 --> 00:15:44,460 brothels in a single street in Le Havre in just one year. 333 00:15:44,460 --> 00:15:46,020 Makes you proud, doesn't it? 334 00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:49,620 During the German occupation, it was an offence for a prostitute 335 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:52,180 to give a German soldier a venereal disease, 336 00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:54,740 and the offender could be imprisoned to keep other men 337 00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:57,660 safe, but as soon as they started retreating, towards the end of 338 00:15:57,660 --> 00:16:00,860 the war, they released all the women with venereal disease, in the hope 339 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:04,660 that the pursuing enemy would catch the clap, essentially. 340 00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:09,620 - Dear, oh, dear. - They really were marvellous times, weren't they? 341 00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:11,620 War is such fun. Isn't it? 342 00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:12,780 Robert Graves, 343 00:16:12,780 --> 00:16:15,300 who wrote probably the best memoir of the First World War, 344 00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:16,900 Goodbye To All That, the poet, 345 00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:19,900 he said there were no restraints in France, "These boys had money 346 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,860 "to spend and knew that they stood a good chance of being killed 347 00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:26,620 "within a few weeks anyhow. They did not want to die virgins." 348 00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:30,420 And that kind of says it all, I think. Oh, dear! 349 00:16:30,420 --> 00:16:34,300 So, yes... I was told this show would be fun! 350 00:16:35,860 --> 00:16:38,380 Everybody said, "Do QI, it's fun!" 351 00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:42,140 Well, catching the syphilis IS fun, at least. It's all the rest of it. 352 00:16:42,140 --> 00:16:44,260 It's proving your point about war. 353 00:16:44,260 --> 00:16:49,100 Yes, soldiers in World War I could get off by... by getting off! 354 00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:52,860 Which of these was originally used for military purposes? 355 00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:55,780 - The bumper car. - Not the bumper car, in fact. 356 00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:58,140 The Ferris wheel. Not the Ferris wheel. 357 00:16:58,140 --> 00:17:01,180 - The merry-go-round. - That thing that goes round, for sea sickness. 358 00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:04,220 Well, there we are, we've all gone for something different. 359 00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:05,580 That's rather pleasing. 360 00:17:05,580 --> 00:17:08,100 And the only one that's correct is the merry-go-round. 361 00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:11,660 Which was originally used for that purpose of war training. 362 00:17:11,660 --> 00:17:15,460 You would sit on the horse and a servant would have a ring 363 00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:17,820 and you'd have a lance and you would go round and round 364 00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:21,220 and you'd try and get your lance through the ring 365 00:17:21,220 --> 00:17:22,620 to practise your accuracy. 366 00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:25,340 I mean, that's surely bullshit. No? 367 00:17:25,340 --> 00:17:26,780 LAUGHTER 368 00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:28,540 No. A merry-go-round was invented to... 369 00:17:28,540 --> 00:17:31,700 - That can't be right. - A carousel, it was called a carosello and... 370 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:34,180 So the original was sort of like a tennis ball machine. 371 00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:35,860 Yeah, kind of, yeah. 372 00:17:35,860 --> 00:17:38,660 Call Of Duty is better, isn't it, really? 373 00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:40,860 But while we're on the subject of fairgrounds, 374 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,460 there had been a particular problem in the Boer War, 375 00:17:43,460 --> 00:17:45,860 where they'd noticed that the British were not very good 376 00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:48,020 at aiming and firing rifles. 377 00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:49,660 So they passed special laws. 378 00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:51,940 - One of the basics, really, isn't it? - Yeah. 379 00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,340 They passed special laws 380 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:55,860 that allowed fairgrounds to have rifle ranges, 381 00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:57,820 so you could fire rifles, live ammunition. 382 00:17:57,820 --> 00:18:00,660 Sorry, there's live ammunition in the fairground? Yes. 383 00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:03,580 Have you never gone to one of those? But it's always like a little cap. 384 00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:04,940 Tin pellet. Yeah, a pellet. 385 00:18:04,940 --> 00:18:07,940 I mean, mostly, you get the pellets, but what is allowed, in law, 386 00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:10,940 even to this day, is live actual ammunition, proper ammunition. 387 00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:13,300 - In a fairground? - Yeah. - Really? Gosh. 388 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,340 Wow... 389 00:18:14,340 --> 00:18:15,500 - Really? - Yeah, really. 390 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:18,540 What, a 7.62 mm... 391 00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:19,820 Up to .23. 392 00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:22,460 - It is frowned upon if you bring your own gun. - I was going to say. 393 00:18:22,460 --> 00:18:24,860 I just want to make it absolutely clear for Jeremy. 394 00:18:24,860 --> 00:18:27,140 If I turned up with my AK, I'd get all those balloons. 395 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:30,060 But a .22 would work. So you could have that. 396 00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:33,740 It would be quite good to turn up at a fairground with an AK-47 397 00:18:33,740 --> 00:18:37,020 and go, "I think I'll be taking that bear home." 398 00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:38,700 LAUGHTER 399 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,780 "Someone needs a cuddle." 400 00:18:40,780 --> 00:18:43,140 Have you ever fired an AK-47? 401 00:18:43,140 --> 00:18:45,420 Er, not in anger, Jeremy. 402 00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:47,380 No, somebody put it onto automatic 403 00:18:47,380 --> 00:18:50,420 and quite literally stood me in front of a barn door 404 00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:51,940 and I missed it. 405 00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:53,580 LAUGHTER 406 00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:55,300 - Is that...? - As we all would. 407 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,260 It just flies around like a mad thing. 408 00:18:57,260 --> 00:18:59,860 Of course, the man that did that isn't here to tell the story. 409 00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:01,020 LAUGHTER 410 00:19:01,020 --> 00:19:02,900 Very unfortunate incident. 411 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:05,060 It never breaks down and it never hits anything. 412 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,980 - And what, it just flies... - It just does that. 413 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:09,540 And then rushes about in your hands. Terribly dangerous. 414 00:19:09,540 --> 00:19:12,300 Well, that explains all of the series of The A-Team. 415 00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:14,260 LAUGHTER 416 00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:16,820 So it is actually realistic, the idea that, you know, 417 00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:18,580 no-one got shot, ever. 418 00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:20,580 Nobody could possibly get shot with an AK, 419 00:19:20,580 --> 00:19:22,420 not unless you weren't aiming at them. 420 00:19:22,420 --> 00:19:25,780 If I aimed at you, most of the audience would be history. 421 00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:27,100 LAUGHTER 422 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:28,980 Well, that's you. Not everybody. 423 00:19:28,980 --> 00:19:30,980 I mean, if they knew how to handle it. 424 00:19:30,980 --> 00:19:32,540 No, it's pretty much everybody. 425 00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:36,460 Unless you're a burly Russian shot putt enthusiast, 426 00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:38,860 then you could probably hold on to it. But I couldn't. 427 00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,580 - I fired a machine gun in Vietnam. - Really, did you? 428 00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:43,260 Did you hit anything? 429 00:19:43,260 --> 00:19:45,100 I hit the end of the field. 430 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,140 LAUGHTER 431 00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:47,380 A field's reasonable. 432 00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:49,860 But they'd got all these old weapons from the American war 433 00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:51,700 and you go up and you buy bullets. 434 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:54,140 - "How many bullets do you want?" - Oh, my goodness. 435 00:19:54,140 --> 00:19:55,380 I think I bought ten bullets. 436 00:19:55,380 --> 00:19:57,660 And they put it in and then you squeeze the trigger 437 00:19:57,660 --> 00:19:59,020 and they've gone, like that. 438 00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:00,860 You think, "Oh, I wish I had more." 439 00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:04,100 That's the evil of guns, isn't it? It triggers something. 440 00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:07,380 Sheila, you're a Quaker pacifist. Have you got any good gun stories? 441 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:10,500 LAUGHTER 442 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:11,860 I'm not allowed! 443 00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:13,820 Oh, dear...! 444 00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:15,780 It would be so good, though, if you went, 445 00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:18,900 "Yeah, has anyone ever had a go on a bazooka?" 446 00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:22,740 That's what we were told, that you could bazooka cows and things, 447 00:20:22,740 --> 00:20:25,660 but I didn't get the chance to do that. 448 00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:27,180 - You're a vegetarian! - We had a... 449 00:20:27,180 --> 00:20:29,300 LAUGHTER 450 00:20:30,460 --> 00:20:32,700 You see, this is what guns do, isn't it? 451 00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:34,260 Vegetarian of the Year. 452 00:20:34,260 --> 00:20:38,260 The other thing that I learned about was that they used cattle... 453 00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:39,700 Erm... 454 00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:43,060 Oh, no, that was a stand-up routine I did. That's not true. 455 00:20:43,060 --> 00:20:44,940 LAUGHTER 456 00:20:44,940 --> 00:20:48,700 APPLAUSE 457 00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:52,620 I think you're beginning to blur the lines. 458 00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:55,180 It's come to something when I'm struggling to remember a fact 459 00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:56,780 and it's something I made up myself. 460 00:20:56,780 --> 00:20:58,340 LAUGHTER 461 00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:01,940 Anyway, one important skill for a soldier is map reading. 462 00:21:01,940 --> 00:21:04,980 But why are maps so difficult to fold? 463 00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:08,340 Well, because now they're on your phone, so you've got to break it. 464 00:21:08,340 --> 00:21:11,340 Well, we've got some ones that aren't on a phone. 465 00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:14,340 My father was a navigator in rallying and he could... 466 00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:15,540 Oh, was he? 467 00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:18,340 He could fold one in the passenger seat of a Mini Cooper 468 00:21:18,340 --> 00:21:21,100 - in the dark at night. - Did he pass that skill on? 469 00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:24,300 - This is torture, you know? - So whenever I go to fold up a map... 470 00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,700 - Genuinely, this is my idea of hell. - Of hell, yeah. 471 00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:28,100 It is hell. 472 00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:31,300 That's right, because there are...severe problems. 473 00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:34,220 So there they are. 474 00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:36,420 I mean, I'll tell you, probably the best idea 475 00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:39,060 is not to unfold it in the first place, Stephen. Yeah. 476 00:21:39,060 --> 00:21:40,380 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 477 00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:41,860 Hey, well done! 478 00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:45,500 That's impressive! 479 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,260 That is 12 seconds. 480 00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:51,220 It's like anything with maps, my father was a navigator. 481 00:21:52,180 --> 00:21:54,220 And I know what all the symbols mean. 482 00:21:54,220 --> 00:21:56,380 Sheila, we've missed our turn! 483 00:21:56,380 --> 00:21:57,660 Concentrate! 484 00:21:57,660 --> 00:21:59,500 Right, I'll race you. 485 00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:01,060 Oh, oh, we'll cheat... 486 00:22:01,060 --> 00:22:03,260 You're sort of doing what I do there, I think. 487 00:22:06,420 --> 00:22:08,340 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 488 00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:09,420 Oh, Sheila! 489 00:22:11,780 --> 00:22:13,460 My car is just full of those. 490 00:22:13,460 --> 00:22:16,460 Pyongyang. Pyongyang. 491 00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:20,580 - Haven't you got a satnav? - Where would we be without satnav? 492 00:22:20,580 --> 00:22:23,180 Hey...! "Where would we be?" 493 00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:25,540 Elstree. Probably at those studios, I don't know. 494 00:22:25,540 --> 00:22:27,740 Come on, everyone, make an effort. 495 00:22:27,740 --> 00:22:29,580 LAUGHTER 496 00:22:29,580 --> 00:22:33,780 The fact is, most maps have got nine folds one way and two the other, 497 00:22:33,780 --> 00:22:38,220 which means that there are 2,048 different ways of folding them. 498 00:22:38,220 --> 00:22:39,780 Two to the power of 11. Really? 499 00:22:39,780 --> 00:22:43,340 A man called Miura, who was an aeronautical designer, 500 00:22:43,340 --> 00:22:45,660 was doing solar panel foldings 501 00:22:45,660 --> 00:22:48,180 and he came up with this way of doing it... 502 00:22:49,740 --> 00:22:52,180 And all you have to do is that and it folds. 503 00:22:53,180 --> 00:22:55,740 You just push the corners together. 504 00:22:55,740 --> 00:22:57,420 And it doesn't matter what you... 505 00:22:57,420 --> 00:22:59,740 - And what's more... - It wouldn't work. 506 00:22:59,740 --> 00:23:01,780 - Sorry? - It wouldn't work if you gave it to me. 507 00:23:01,780 --> 00:23:04,460 Stephen, could you... Well, I'll give you one. 508 00:23:04,460 --> 00:23:08,300 The one that you've got there, is that a map of Mars? 509 00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:10,340 You've got one there. 510 00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:13,420 And you just take the top-right and bottom-left corners, 511 00:23:13,420 --> 00:23:15,060 or any other way. That way? 512 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:16,900 It's so folded, it just does it by itself. 513 00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:19,100 Take the corners and push them together. Oh, my God! 514 00:23:19,100 --> 00:23:21,060 That's it! Jeremy, you've done it! 515 00:23:21,060 --> 00:23:23,660 APPLAUSE 516 00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:31,580 - But this man is the greatest genius who ever lived. - Isn't he? I know! 517 00:23:31,580 --> 00:23:33,260 - It's fantastic. - Who is he? 518 00:23:33,260 --> 00:23:34,860 He's called Miura, he's a... 519 00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:37,820 LAUGHTER 520 00:23:37,820 --> 00:23:39,420 Good God! 521 00:23:39,420 --> 00:23:42,300 Of course, what you don't realise, he was trying to make a crane. 522 00:23:42,300 --> 00:23:44,260 LAUGHTER 523 00:23:44,260 --> 00:23:47,300 Koryo Miura his name is, and they are very handy. 524 00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:50,700 I would have been so fucking pleased if I'd invented that. 525 00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:52,500 LAUGHTER 526 00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:54,740 Well, there are other things you can do with folding. 527 00:23:54,740 --> 00:23:57,260 I've got some tissues here. And if we... 528 00:23:57,260 --> 00:23:59,340 - Oh, what are we doing now? - Oh, origami! 529 00:23:59,340 --> 00:24:01,980 You're each... If I can give you each a tissue. 530 00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:03,740 All right, so I'll pass... 531 00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:04,780 OK. 532 00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:07,700 There we are. Pass it down. Oops...! 533 00:24:07,700 --> 00:24:10,140 What are we doing with the tissue? And I'll have one here. 534 00:24:10,140 --> 00:24:12,220 OK, so what are we up to? 535 00:24:12,220 --> 00:24:14,780 What you're trying to do is scrunch it up... Oh, yeah, OK. 536 00:24:14,780 --> 00:24:16,620 ..like this in your hands. Yeah. 537 00:24:16,620 --> 00:24:19,300 - And you scrunch it up. And then... - Stick it right up your bum! 538 00:24:19,300 --> 00:24:20,380 No! 539 00:24:20,380 --> 00:24:21,820 LAUGHTER 540 00:24:21,820 --> 00:24:23,300 You try and think of an animal... 541 00:24:23,300 --> 00:24:25,060 Like, I'm thinking of an animal. 542 00:24:25,060 --> 00:24:27,380 I'm thinking of a sort of swan or something like that. 543 00:24:27,380 --> 00:24:29,820 - I've really scrunched mine up. - I'm thinking of a swan. 544 00:24:29,820 --> 00:24:32,260 - Like that, can you see my swan? - Do I have to think of a swan? 545 00:24:32,260 --> 00:24:33,740 There you are... 546 00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:37,860 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 547 00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:44,060 There we are. 548 00:24:44,060 --> 00:24:46,700 Tiger. I've got tiger. 549 00:24:47,780 --> 00:24:50,060 - I've got absolutely nothing at all. - Oh, well. 550 00:24:50,060 --> 00:24:51,900 I thought of a badger, but it got run over. 551 00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:54,580 LAUGHTER 552 00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:56,420 Excellent! Well done, all. 553 00:24:56,420 --> 00:24:59,500 Now, an army is said to march on its stomach, 554 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:05,060 but what is the most morale-boosting thing you can find in a meat pie? 555 00:25:05,060 --> 00:25:10,980 Cocaine? No! Well, motivation wise, it would do wonders. Well, perhaps. 556 00:25:10,980 --> 00:25:16,820 - A Greggs steak bake. - People, people. - Yes, people! - People in pies. 557 00:25:16,820 --> 00:25:19,620 I'll tell you the story behind it and you might think that 558 00:25:19,620 --> 00:25:22,740 there probably was never quite such a morale-boosting pie. 559 00:25:22,740 --> 00:25:26,820 It was Philip the Good, and Philip the Good was the ruler of Burgundy. 560 00:25:26,820 --> 00:25:30,380 - There we are, then, red wine... - And in 13... 561 00:25:30,380 --> 00:25:33,420 56, probably, I wouldn't be surprised... 1454... 562 00:25:33,420 --> 00:25:37,100 - LAUGHTER He, um... - Good save! 563 00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:38,820 He held a feast for knights 564 00:25:38,820 --> 00:25:41,300 and squires and pages and lords and so on. 565 00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:44,060 It was a PR stunt to promote a crusade that he wanted 566 00:25:44,060 --> 00:25:47,340 to hold against the Turks. They had taken Constantinople. 567 00:25:47,340 --> 00:25:50,820 Anyway, he had a feast, it was called the Feast of the Pheasant, 568 00:25:50,820 --> 00:25:55,140 and it included a meat pie which contained 28 musicians... 569 00:25:55,140 --> 00:25:57,100 Oh! Alive? 570 00:25:57,100 --> 00:26:00,460 ..who played throughout the meal. Yes, alive! It was a vast pie. 571 00:26:00,460 --> 00:26:04,580 A Manneken-Pis, which was urinating rose water, 572 00:26:04,580 --> 00:26:08,620 a castle that squirted orange punch into its moat, 573 00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:12,980 and a lion chained to a pillar, that protected a statue of 574 00:26:12,980 --> 00:26:16,540 a nude woman who served mulled wine from her right breast. 575 00:26:16,540 --> 00:26:19,620 It sounds like a party at Elton John's house. 576 00:26:21,860 --> 00:26:25,260 Well, in this case, after this enormous pie, a giant came on, 577 00:26:25,260 --> 00:26:29,300 with an elephant on a leash, the elephant had a castle on its back 578 00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:33,100 and the castle had a dishevelled nun, whose hands were held in 579 00:26:33,100 --> 00:26:38,020 prayer, and she implored Philip to go on a crusade to save Constantinople. 580 00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:41,180 A dishevelled nun? Apparently dishevelled. 581 00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:44,060 He immediately leapt to his feet, made an oath to retake the city 582 00:26:44,060 --> 00:26:47,300 and all his guests, caught up in the excitement of the pie, which had so 583 00:26:47,300 --> 00:26:50,660 boosted their morale, that they said they would go on the crusade, too. 584 00:26:50,660 --> 00:26:53,860 And that's why it's always a good idea to invade the Middle East. 585 00:26:53,860 --> 00:26:56,780 Well, actually, they were very fortunate, because they didn't 586 00:26:56,780 --> 00:27:00,540 - go on their crusade, despite the morale-boosting pie. - They didn't go? 587 00:27:00,540 --> 00:27:04,180 No, they didn't, because Charles VII of France, who was the King, 588 00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:07,060 said that he thought it was a terrible idea. 589 00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:12,860 - So, they had the pie for nothing. - I'm fascinated by this dishevelled nun. 590 00:27:12,860 --> 00:27:16,900 Yes, well, the word "dishevelled" is used in Chaucer, you may remember... 591 00:27:16,900 --> 00:27:19,860 - I don't remember, Stephen. - No, fine... 592 00:27:19,860 --> 00:27:22,580 - Did you know him at all, Sheila? - No. 593 00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:29,860 - He uses the word hevelled. - Hevelled? - "The man's head is cleanly hevelled." 594 00:27:29,860 --> 00:27:34,180 So, dishevelled means uncombed. So, the nun was uncombed, it seems. 595 00:27:34,180 --> 00:27:36,900 Though it's often used of clothes as well now. 596 00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:39,940 Yeah, Philip the Good, he certainly knew how to throw a good party. 597 00:27:39,940 --> 00:27:43,620 What's the worst thing you can find in a Morrison Sandwich? 598 00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:46,740 Well, Morrison was Food Minister during the war. 599 00:27:46,740 --> 00:27:48,620 - Ah, you've got straight to it. - Herbert. 600 00:27:48,620 --> 00:27:51,700 He was in charge of sandwiches, was he? No. Well... 601 00:27:51,700 --> 00:27:55,100 He was, in fact, in charge of home defence. And he came up... 602 00:27:55,100 --> 00:27:56,980 Making sure no-one got in and took them. 603 00:27:56,980 --> 00:27:58,820 - Home Guard? - Not the Home Guard, exactly, 604 00:27:58,820 --> 00:28:02,940 but he came up with a home defence idea, which was a type of shelter. 605 00:28:02,940 --> 00:28:06,140 - It was for the more deprived families and they... - Not the Anderson? 606 00:28:06,140 --> 00:28:08,500 It was indoors. ..they were given free. It was indoors. 607 00:28:08,500 --> 00:28:11,260 Indoors, as opposed to the Anderson shelter, which was outside. 608 00:28:11,260 --> 00:28:13,980 Exactly right. Which I spent my life in. 609 00:28:13,980 --> 00:28:16,180 And a dear friend of mine was in one of those 610 00:28:16,180 --> 00:28:19,460 and her house took a direct hit and she survived. Yes. 611 00:28:19,460 --> 00:28:20,860 One of the things we wanted to say 612 00:28:20,860 --> 00:28:22,860 is that it was actually not, as it might seem, 613 00:28:22,860 --> 00:28:24,340 a rather unsafe contrivance. 614 00:28:24,340 --> 00:28:27,420 But it actually worked really, really well, it seems. Yeah, it did. 615 00:28:27,420 --> 00:28:29,700 But there was one problem. Sometimes, the top bit, 616 00:28:29,700 --> 00:28:32,300 which was solid metal, and the bottom was solid metal, 617 00:28:32,300 --> 00:28:34,260 sometimes, the top bit just crashed down 618 00:28:34,260 --> 00:28:37,580 and the person was caught in what was then called a Morrison Sandwich. 619 00:28:37,580 --> 00:28:39,580 - Wow! - Oh, gosh! But it was considered safer. 620 00:28:39,580 --> 00:28:42,020 And it was also quite loved, unlike the Anderson shelter, 621 00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:43,940 which was pretty hated, is that right? 622 00:28:43,940 --> 00:28:45,540 Well, I quite liked it, actually. 623 00:28:45,540 --> 00:28:48,060 You used to sit, be outside and you could watch, 624 00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:51,420 you always had binoculars and you could watch the dogfights going on, 625 00:28:51,420 --> 00:28:53,700 you know, in the Battle of Britain and... God! 626 00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:55,340 And you felt kind of safe down there. 627 00:28:55,340 --> 00:28:57,180 The only thing was that you were frightened 628 00:28:57,180 --> 00:28:58,940 that you'd be trapped in the shelter. 629 00:28:58,940 --> 00:29:00,540 I sleep with my hand over my head, 630 00:29:00,540 --> 00:29:02,180 because there was an escape hatch 631 00:29:02,180 --> 00:29:04,700 at the back of the Anderson shelter with a spanner 632 00:29:04,700 --> 00:29:06,100 that you would use to get out. 633 00:29:06,100 --> 00:29:09,540 And I used to sleep like that on my bunk, and I still do. 634 00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:11,820 I sleep with one hand over the head. 635 00:29:11,820 --> 00:29:14,140 You could probably sleep somewhere else now, Sheila. 636 00:29:14,140 --> 00:29:16,140 LAUGHTER 637 00:29:16,140 --> 00:29:18,220 This one on the left... 638 00:29:19,740 --> 00:29:22,060 This one on the left, it's actually a weight test. 639 00:29:22,060 --> 00:29:24,220 It's being tested for how much it can take. 640 00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:26,420 And, as you can see, it's a fair amount of weight. 641 00:29:26,420 --> 00:29:29,020 There was one in my uncle's garden, I remember. 642 00:29:29,020 --> 00:29:30,540 What, an Anderson shelter? 643 00:29:30,540 --> 00:29:34,140 - There is one on my farm and it's just full of pornography. - What is? 644 00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:38,540 - Pornography? - It's just full of Men Only, Mayfair... All from the '70s. 645 00:29:38,540 --> 00:29:40,460 Is that where you keep your collection? 646 00:29:40,460 --> 00:29:42,500 That used to be a thing, though, didn't it? 647 00:29:42,500 --> 00:29:45,660 Whenever you'd walk through woodland, I remember as a teenager, 648 00:29:45,660 --> 00:29:47,740 there would be pornography lying around. 649 00:29:47,740 --> 00:29:50,020 - In the hedges. - In the days before the internet. 650 00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:52,700 There was just porn lying about in the woods. 651 00:29:52,700 --> 00:29:56,980 Does anyone else remember that? Is that just me? It's a thing, right? 652 00:29:56,980 --> 00:29:58,900 - No! - No, it is! 653 00:29:58,900 --> 00:30:01,740 You used to walk through the woods and there would be porn lying about. 654 00:30:01,740 --> 00:30:03,980 Everywhere. I was never able to get 655 00:30:03,980 --> 00:30:07,020 to the sweet shop without encountering pornography. 656 00:30:07,020 --> 00:30:12,420 Well, this is very odd! Why in the woods? Why in the woods? 657 00:30:12,420 --> 00:30:14,980 I think that's when, possibly, people went and bought some 658 00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:17,820 pornography and thought, well, I'd better not bring that home. 659 00:30:17,820 --> 00:30:20,020 Then they'd drive home and leave a single shoe 660 00:30:20,020 --> 00:30:22,700 - in the central reservation, which is the other thing. - Yes! 661 00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:25,540 And unravel their cassette tape. There we are... 662 00:30:25,540 --> 00:30:28,260 That's everything done now for the day. 663 00:30:28,260 --> 00:30:33,740 Cassette tape, single shoe, strong pornography in the wood. 664 00:30:33,740 --> 00:30:37,180 What a strange world you live in. 665 00:30:37,180 --> 00:30:41,580 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 666 00:30:44,060 --> 00:30:45,620 Anyway, yes, Morrison Sandwich... 667 00:30:45,620 --> 00:30:48,380 Morrison's sandwiches, as opposed to Morrison Sandwiches, 668 00:30:48,380 --> 00:30:49,900 which were people caught there. 669 00:30:49,900 --> 00:30:51,940 There's a Morrison's sandwich, and, of course, 670 00:30:51,940 --> 00:30:54,380 they're delightful, fresh and charming and I wouldn't want 671 00:30:54,380 --> 00:30:56,460 to suggest anything about them that was unpleasant. 672 00:30:56,460 --> 00:30:58,980 - You've never had one in your life, have you? - Well, no, but... 673 00:30:58,980 --> 00:31:00,620 LAUGHTER 674 00:31:00,620 --> 00:31:01,980 I know they exist. 675 00:31:01,980 --> 00:31:04,900 APPLAUSE 676 00:31:04,900 --> 00:31:07,660 So, yes, Morrison Sandwiches could be deadly, 677 00:31:07,660 --> 00:31:10,780 but Morrison's sandwiches are, of course, delicious. 678 00:31:10,780 --> 00:31:12,900 LAUGHTER 679 00:31:12,900 --> 00:31:16,580 How do all-female military battles differ from all-male ones? 680 00:31:16,580 --> 00:31:18,940 They all tidy up afterwards. 681 00:31:22,140 --> 00:31:23,580 So sweet! 682 00:31:23,580 --> 00:31:28,220 Female battles? I don't think humans have ever had an all-female war. 683 00:31:28,220 --> 00:31:29,860 No, I wouldn't have thought so. 684 00:31:29,860 --> 00:31:33,020 The Amazons were supposedly female soldiers, but they fought men. 685 00:31:33,020 --> 00:31:35,340 The reason there has never been an all-female war 686 00:31:35,340 --> 00:31:37,660 is there's plenty of me to go round, I think. 687 00:31:37,660 --> 00:31:40,940 They might have to bail out. 688 00:31:40,940 --> 00:31:42,620 Oh, lawks! 689 00:31:42,620 --> 00:31:46,540 - So, we are not talking about human beings, in that case. - Oh! 690 00:31:46,540 --> 00:31:48,460 - Oh, an animal war. - An animal war, 691 00:31:48,460 --> 00:31:51,340 - conducted purely by females of that species. - Mosquitoes. 692 00:31:51,340 --> 00:31:54,380 - Is it the praying mantis? - Not mosquitoes, but... - Rabbits? 693 00:31:54,380 --> 00:31:55,980 You were right with insects. Bees? 694 00:31:55,980 --> 00:31:58,980 - Bees! - A bee war. - Bees went to war? 695 00:31:58,980 --> 00:32:03,580 - Yes, bees' war on other hives, other colonies. - Lady bees? 696 00:32:03,580 --> 00:32:06,580 - Yes, Australian stingless bees... - The Queen bee? 697 00:32:06,580 --> 00:32:09,260 The Queen is the one who doesn't fight, 698 00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:11,540 but all the other females, who are sterile... 699 00:32:11,540 --> 00:32:14,100 - Are there other female bees? - Yes, but they are sterile. 700 00:32:14,100 --> 00:32:16,740 They launch a turf war against another colony. 701 00:32:16,740 --> 00:32:19,260 The main attack method is to bite the leg or wing. 702 00:32:19,260 --> 00:32:20,980 But because they have six legs, 703 00:32:20,980 --> 00:32:24,300 they can keep going until they have got no legs left. 704 00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:28,860 - These are not British bees...? - No, Australian. - Oh, right! 705 00:32:28,860 --> 00:32:31,780 British bees would never... Yes, yes! 706 00:32:31,780 --> 00:32:34,820 They would leave them at home, making honey! 707 00:32:34,820 --> 00:32:39,020 - British lady bees, exactly. - British bees wouldn't bite legs off. 708 00:32:39,020 --> 00:32:41,260 So... LAUGHTER 709 00:32:41,260 --> 00:32:45,700 - When the victory... - There are some weird animals in Australia. 710 00:32:45,700 --> 00:32:47,620 There are. 711 00:32:47,620 --> 00:32:49,860 The colony that wins, they install their Queen 712 00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:52,780 and kick out all the others, who are left to die, 713 00:32:52,780 --> 00:32:55,740 - because they can't survive unless they are in a colony. - Oh, charming! 714 00:32:55,740 --> 00:32:57,340 Yes, it's all rather grim. 715 00:32:57,340 --> 00:32:58,940 In Scouting For Boys... 716 00:32:58,940 --> 00:33:01,460 Sorry, your hobby...? 717 00:33:01,460 --> 00:33:03,300 It is a strange title. 718 00:33:03,300 --> 00:33:07,020 It is, of course, by the founder of the Scouting movement... 719 00:33:07,020 --> 00:33:08,340 Baden Powell. 720 00:33:08,340 --> 00:33:11,260 What does one think of a man who can say something like this? 721 00:33:11,260 --> 00:33:15,700 He said of bees, "They are quite a model community, 722 00:33:15,700 --> 00:33:20,060 "for they respect their Queen and kill their unemployed." 723 00:33:22,580 --> 00:33:25,180 - Does he say that? - Yup! 724 00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:30,100 What begins with M that you could shoot with one of these? 725 00:33:31,340 --> 00:33:33,060 Those guys are tiny! 726 00:33:33,060 --> 00:33:34,620 LAUGHTER 727 00:33:34,620 --> 00:33:36,380 A mallard. 728 00:33:36,380 --> 00:33:39,180 A mallard is very good, absolutely. You recognise what that is? 729 00:33:39,180 --> 00:33:42,180 - It's a punt gun. - It is indeed a punt gun. 730 00:33:42,180 --> 00:33:45,140 APPLAUSE 731 00:33:45,140 --> 00:33:47,020 - There's a few punters in. - Yeah...! 732 00:33:47,020 --> 00:33:49,900 You're good on guns, aren't you, Jeremy? 733 00:33:49,900 --> 00:33:53,500 Well, I shot one of those, but I shot a clay pigeon with it. 734 00:33:54,540 --> 00:33:57,900 And proved that a man can actually fly. 735 00:33:57,900 --> 00:34:00,100 LAUGHTER 736 00:34:00,100 --> 00:34:01,820 So don't tell me you weren't on a punt? 737 00:34:01,820 --> 00:34:04,860 No, I wasn't on a punt and there's a sort of momentum thing goes 738 00:34:04,860 --> 00:34:07,460 and you get it going and then you just can't stop it. 739 00:34:07,460 --> 00:34:10,100 And I was airborne for 20 minutes. 740 00:34:10,100 --> 00:34:11,620 LAUGHTER 741 00:34:11,620 --> 00:34:13,940 That's one of the reasons they have them on punts is... 742 00:34:13,940 --> 00:34:16,180 - I mean, the boat goes backwards. - That's the point. 743 00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:17,900 You could fire that in Norfolk 744 00:34:17,900 --> 00:34:20,860 and you would wind up in Stavanger three weeks later 745 00:34:20,860 --> 00:34:22,540 doing 300mph. 746 00:34:22,540 --> 00:34:25,060 More or less true. But also, more distressingly, perhaps, 747 00:34:25,060 --> 00:34:26,620 if you like waterfowl, 748 00:34:26,620 --> 00:34:29,540 one shot can destroy up to 50 at a time. 749 00:34:29,540 --> 00:34:32,020 - So you could have... - So is it shot like a shotgun? 750 00:34:32,020 --> 00:34:34,300 Yeah, it's just a huge amount of blast. 751 00:34:34,300 --> 00:34:36,660 I mean, I know you're a vegetablist, which is fine... 752 00:34:36,660 --> 00:34:37,860 LAUGHTER 753 00:34:37,860 --> 00:34:39,740 What I don't understand about these 754 00:34:39,740 --> 00:34:43,060 is that if you actually hit a duck, it vaporised it. 755 00:34:43,060 --> 00:34:44,380 LAUGHTER 756 00:34:44,380 --> 00:34:46,620 And apart from licking the lake or the grass... 757 00:34:46,620 --> 00:34:48,540 LAUGHTER 758 00:34:48,540 --> 00:34:50,980 ..there's no nutritional value from an atomised layer. 759 00:34:50,980 --> 00:34:52,420 You're pretty much right. 760 00:34:55,260 --> 00:34:58,540 Seriously, why do they have such a great big gun for it? 761 00:34:58,540 --> 00:35:02,020 Well, it was used in the United States of America, of course... Ah! 762 00:35:02,020 --> 00:35:04,140 ..in the early part of the 19th century. 763 00:35:04,140 --> 00:35:05,620 But even the Americans realised 764 00:35:05,620 --> 00:35:08,260 they were going to deplete their waterways just too much. 765 00:35:08,260 --> 00:35:11,740 So, by 1860, it was banned. You couldn't use it any more. 766 00:35:11,740 --> 00:35:14,420 - And then they use hand grenades now. - Yes. They do, yeah. 767 00:35:14,420 --> 00:35:17,460 I got picked up, this is another gun story, and I apologise, Sheila, 768 00:35:17,460 --> 00:35:20,060 but I got picked up by a man once at an airport in Phoenix 769 00:35:20,060 --> 00:35:24,540 and he was a big noise in the NRA and we had very little in common. 770 00:35:24,540 --> 00:35:26,300 And he drove along in complete silence 771 00:35:26,300 --> 00:35:28,940 and he just turned to me after about ten minutes and went, 772 00:35:28,940 --> 00:35:31,460 "What is your personal preference of firearm?" 773 00:35:31,460 --> 00:35:33,860 As a small talk. That was small talk. 774 00:35:33,860 --> 00:35:36,220 - "I don't really have one, mate." - And you said punt gun. 775 00:35:36,220 --> 00:35:38,580 "Punt gun, mate." 776 00:35:38,580 --> 00:35:39,860 Yeah, I should have done. 777 00:35:39,860 --> 00:35:42,500 I tried that earlier with Sheila. We didn't really hit it off. 778 00:35:42,500 --> 00:35:43,620 LAUGHTER 779 00:35:43,620 --> 00:35:46,460 I almost want to go to a rifle range with you 780 00:35:46,460 --> 00:35:47,860 to see you with one of these guns. 781 00:35:47,860 --> 00:35:50,100 You're obviously hopeless at it. 782 00:35:50,100 --> 00:35:52,940 LAUGHTER 783 00:35:52,940 --> 00:35:56,540 APPLAUSE 784 00:35:56,540 --> 00:36:00,540 The punt gun was used to massacre mallards, Muscovy ducks, 785 00:36:00,540 --> 00:36:03,580 mergansers and other mother-duckers. 786 00:36:03,580 --> 00:36:05,340 From ducks to Drakes. 787 00:36:05,340 --> 00:36:07,260 What was the name of the fleet of ships 788 00:36:07,260 --> 00:36:10,940 that got its arse kicked in 1589 during the Anglo-Spanish War? 789 00:36:11,900 --> 00:36:13,140 The Spanish Armada. 790 00:36:13,140 --> 00:36:15,100 KLAXON 791 00:36:15,100 --> 00:36:18,580 - Oh, taking one for the team now. - Well, I knew that would come. 792 00:36:18,580 --> 00:36:21,300 Yeah. That was 1588, the Spanish Armada. Oh. 793 00:36:21,300 --> 00:36:23,460 Is this the next year? The next year. 794 00:36:23,460 --> 00:36:26,380 They came back and had another go? No, this is what's so interesting. 795 00:36:26,380 --> 00:36:27,660 This is the English Armada. 796 00:36:27,660 --> 00:36:30,180 What's interesting is we just don't teach this in schools, 797 00:36:30,180 --> 00:36:31,980 but it's a far worse defeat on the English. 798 00:36:31,980 --> 00:36:33,140 Was this Cadiz? 799 00:36:33,140 --> 00:36:35,940 No, Cadiz was singeing the King of Spain's beard, as it was called. 800 00:36:35,940 --> 00:36:38,860 - It was a success. - Cadiz is pronounced Cardiff, by the way. 801 00:36:38,860 --> 00:36:40,540 IN SPANISH ACCENT: Cadiz. Cadiz. 802 00:36:40,540 --> 00:36:41,660 But if you say Cardiff, 803 00:36:41,660 --> 00:36:44,060 you're much closer to the way the Spanish say it. 804 00:36:44,060 --> 00:36:45,860 - As I've found out. - Oh, really? 805 00:36:45,860 --> 00:36:49,100 Just say Cardiff and they go, "Oh, si, si. That way." 806 00:36:49,100 --> 00:36:50,740 You walked to it?! 807 00:36:50,740 --> 00:36:52,540 If you say Cadiz, they go, "Que?" 808 00:36:52,540 --> 00:36:54,420 But, anyway, it's nothing to do with Cadiz. 809 00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:56,460 Was it the one where we went and did too long? 810 00:36:56,460 --> 00:36:59,220 No, what's interesting about this is that the English had a plan. 811 00:36:59,220 --> 00:37:01,100 Having seen off the Spanish Armada, 812 00:37:01,100 --> 00:37:02,820 Drake, filled with confidence, 813 00:37:02,820 --> 00:37:05,260 thought they would really defeat Philip II of Spain 814 00:37:05,260 --> 00:37:07,580 and we would really finish the job. 815 00:37:07,580 --> 00:37:11,300 Instead of which, we lost 40 ships and it was an utter disaster. 816 00:37:11,300 --> 00:37:13,820 But they don't teach it in English schools. 817 00:37:13,820 --> 00:37:16,900 The Spanish Armada that is taught a lot and we celebrate 818 00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:19,380 was not really that much of a triumph, to be honest. 819 00:37:19,380 --> 00:37:22,100 We didn't sink their ships in the great battle. 820 00:37:22,100 --> 00:37:25,500 The fire ships that Drake invented to send into them 821 00:37:25,500 --> 00:37:27,500 didn't destroy any Spanish shipping. 822 00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:30,020 So it was just not really that great a triumph. 823 00:37:30,020 --> 00:37:32,260 It was the wind that beat them, not really Drake. 824 00:37:32,260 --> 00:37:35,420 But where... What... I've forgotten what the question was about 1589? 825 00:37:35,420 --> 00:37:38,460 What was the name of the fleet of ships that got its arse kicked? 826 00:37:38,460 --> 00:37:40,940 Oh, it's the name of the fleet of ships. I don't know. 827 00:37:40,940 --> 00:37:43,740 - It was the English Armada. - Oh, was it? Yeah. 828 00:37:43,740 --> 00:37:46,060 - Yeah, well, I don't want to learn about that. - No! 829 00:37:46,060 --> 00:37:47,900 LAUGHTER 830 00:37:47,900 --> 00:37:50,140 - I learnt about HMS Victory. - Mm. 831 00:37:50,140 --> 00:37:54,860 And they used 60,000 trees to make HMS Victory. 832 00:37:54,860 --> 00:37:58,060 They would grow oak trees and when they were saplings, 833 00:37:58,060 --> 00:37:59,620 they would tie ropes round them 834 00:37:59,620 --> 00:38:03,140 so that branches would grow into bends, because they needed... 835 00:38:03,140 --> 00:38:08,140 To make the hulls and the keel, you needed oak in that shape, 836 00:38:08,140 --> 00:38:11,380 - so the growing of the oak was an extraordinary... - Amazing, isn't it? 837 00:38:11,380 --> 00:38:13,980 Extraordinary expertise went into it. 838 00:38:13,980 --> 00:38:16,380 The year after the Spanish Armada, 839 00:38:16,380 --> 00:38:18,820 an English Armada was soundly beaten by Spain. 840 00:38:18,820 --> 00:38:20,820 But we don't really like to talk about it. 841 00:38:20,820 --> 00:38:23,580 That was something that people are generally ignorant about. 842 00:38:23,580 --> 00:38:25,500 And here are some more. 843 00:38:25,500 --> 00:38:27,060 Fingers on buzzers, if you please. 844 00:38:27,060 --> 00:38:30,700 I'll give you 100 points if you can name one of the countries 845 00:38:30,700 --> 00:38:35,740 where either the first or last shots of the First World War were fired. 846 00:38:35,740 --> 00:38:37,900 - Well... - It's worth it, for 100 points. 847 00:38:37,900 --> 00:38:39,900 - France. - KLAXON 848 00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:41,780 Germany, England... 849 00:38:41,780 --> 00:38:45,420 It's where that guy, the king, the man was shot in the carrier. 850 00:38:45,420 --> 00:38:47,180 - ..Austria, Turkey. - Where was that? 851 00:38:47,180 --> 00:38:49,940 Well, that first shot in Sarajevo was not the shot of the war. 852 00:38:49,940 --> 00:38:52,060 It's what caused the war later. 853 00:38:52,060 --> 00:38:53,780 Oh, you mean soldiers shooting. 854 00:38:53,780 --> 00:38:55,860 Once the war was under way, 855 00:38:55,860 --> 00:38:58,300 - the first shot that was actually fired in it... - Romania. 856 00:38:58,300 --> 00:38:59,780 - The Isle of Man. - Denmark. 857 00:38:59,780 --> 00:39:02,100 - Jersey. - No. I'll tell you. 858 00:39:02,100 --> 00:39:03,540 It was Togoland. 859 00:39:03,540 --> 00:39:06,900 That was the next thing I was going to say. 860 00:39:06,900 --> 00:39:09,100 Where is Togoland? 861 00:39:09,100 --> 00:39:10,620 Next to Disneyland. 862 00:39:10,620 --> 00:39:13,980 It is now called Togo, but it was called Togoland then. 863 00:39:13,980 --> 00:39:17,060 It's the middle of the Pacific, isn't it? Somewhere a long way away. 864 00:39:17,060 --> 00:39:20,340 No, you may be thinking of Tonga or something. This is Africa. 865 00:39:20,340 --> 00:39:23,340 It was a German colony. And on the 4th August, 1914, 866 00:39:23,340 --> 00:39:25,900 the British Empire declared war on Germany 867 00:39:25,900 --> 00:39:28,140 and three days later it attacked Togoland, 868 00:39:28,140 --> 00:39:31,460 - Germany's small, but strategic colony there. - Is that Namibia-y way, then? 869 00:39:31,460 --> 00:39:35,060 No, it's much further up, near the Gold Coast, that sort of area. 870 00:39:35,060 --> 00:39:37,460 And Regimental Sergeant Major Alhaji Grunshi 871 00:39:37,460 --> 00:39:40,180 was the first to shoot back when the German-led police force 872 00:39:40,180 --> 00:39:42,580 shot the approaching British forces, colonial forces. 873 00:39:42,580 --> 00:39:45,020 He was obviously better at it than Jeremy. Yeah! 874 00:39:45,020 --> 00:39:47,340 - So he became... - Did he actually hit anything? 875 00:39:47,340 --> 00:39:49,060 He didn't necessarily hit anybody, 876 00:39:49,060 --> 00:39:52,740 but he became the first member of the British Army to fire a shot in the war. 877 00:39:52,740 --> 00:39:56,100 Because I'd be the perfect armed guard for a Quaker meeting. 878 00:39:56,100 --> 00:39:58,020 You would! You would! 879 00:39:58,020 --> 00:40:01,340 I'm loving everything that you're so bad with guns. 880 00:40:01,340 --> 00:40:03,020 - You missed again. - Yes, I have. 881 00:40:03,020 --> 00:40:04,980 But the war also ended in Africa, in fact. 882 00:40:04,980 --> 00:40:06,740 The last actual battle took place 883 00:40:06,740 --> 00:40:10,660 on a golf course in Northern Rhodesia, which is now called Zambia. 884 00:40:10,660 --> 00:40:12,900 They stopped fighting eventually, 885 00:40:12,900 --> 00:40:15,140 but German troops fought on for ages 886 00:40:15,140 --> 00:40:17,700 in what is now Tanzania, Tanganyika as it was. 887 00:40:17,700 --> 00:40:19,660 And they surrendered on November 25th, 1918. 888 00:40:19,660 --> 00:40:21,420 If you shoot someone on a golf course, 889 00:40:21,420 --> 00:40:23,500 is it considered polite to shout "Fore!"? 890 00:40:23,500 --> 00:40:26,460 You'd think it would be the least you could do. Probably. 891 00:40:26,460 --> 00:40:29,460 So, yes, 14 days after the Armistice was the last shot of the war 892 00:40:29,460 --> 00:40:32,420 that anybody can find, which was in Tanganyika. 893 00:40:32,420 --> 00:40:36,420 So, yeah, the first shots of World War I were fired in Togo, 894 00:40:36,420 --> 00:40:37,980 the last in Tanganyika. 895 00:40:37,980 --> 00:40:39,900 And, finally, our last question. 896 00:40:39,900 --> 00:40:42,460 What happened to the last of the Mohicans? 897 00:40:42,460 --> 00:40:44,060 He had a haircut. 898 00:40:44,060 --> 00:40:45,980 LAUGHTER 899 00:40:45,980 --> 00:40:48,620 Wild West show? Well, what is a Mohican? 900 00:40:48,620 --> 00:40:51,900 A hairstyle. Well, aside from a hairstyle, yes. 901 00:40:51,900 --> 00:40:54,260 Well, it's an Indian. Native American tribe, is it? 902 00:40:54,260 --> 00:40:55,820 - Oh, no, wait... - You said what? 903 00:40:55,820 --> 00:40:58,420 Have I... I've gone and trodden on one of those land mines. 904 00:40:58,420 --> 00:41:00,500 Because you can't say Indian, can you? 905 00:41:00,500 --> 00:41:02,220 What do I say, Native American? 906 00:41:02,220 --> 00:41:03,660 No, actually you can say Indian. 907 00:41:03,660 --> 00:41:06,180 I found, doing a documentary all over the reservations... 908 00:41:06,180 --> 00:41:08,180 - I can say it? - ..they called each other Indians. 909 00:41:08,180 --> 00:41:09,820 I nearly got fired for that once. 910 00:41:09,820 --> 00:41:11,540 LAUGHTER 911 00:41:11,540 --> 00:41:13,500 APPLAUSE 912 00:41:15,460 --> 00:41:17,180 Things go around, don't they? 913 00:41:18,820 --> 00:41:21,460 The American Indian Movement is the premier political body 914 00:41:21,460 --> 00:41:23,500 fighting for the rights of American Indians 915 00:41:23,500 --> 00:41:26,100 and they call themselves the American Indian Movement, AIM. 916 00:41:26,100 --> 00:41:27,660 It's a whole new world since I left. 917 00:41:27,660 --> 00:41:30,020 LAUGHTER 918 00:41:30,020 --> 00:41:32,700 There are two sets of Native Americans, American Indians, 919 00:41:32,700 --> 00:41:34,500 that have been known as Mohicans. 920 00:41:34,500 --> 00:41:37,300 They're the Mohegans, who live in Connecticut 921 00:41:37,300 --> 00:41:39,180 and run the Casino of the Sky. 922 00:41:39,180 --> 00:41:42,220 Yeah, the Mohegan Sun Casino, I've been there. 923 00:41:42,220 --> 00:41:44,580 - It's called Mohegans, is it? - Mohegan, yeah. 924 00:41:44,580 --> 00:41:46,580 And then the Mahicans or Ma-he-cans, 925 00:41:46,580 --> 00:41:48,940 also provide a gambling service for you 926 00:41:48,940 --> 00:41:51,580 at the North Star Mohican Resort in Wisconsin, 927 00:41:51,580 --> 00:41:54,060 known as "the Midwest's Friendliest Casino". 928 00:41:54,060 --> 00:41:55,220 Yeah. 929 00:41:55,220 --> 00:41:57,700 The guy on the right there is rubbish. 930 00:41:57,700 --> 00:41:59,060 He is. 931 00:41:59,060 --> 00:42:01,140 The worst Native American ever. 932 00:42:01,140 --> 00:42:03,300 It doesn't work, does it? Not joining in, is he? 933 00:42:03,300 --> 00:42:06,660 He's going, "No-one told me we were supposed to dress as Indians!" 934 00:42:06,660 --> 00:42:08,460 LAUGHTER 935 00:42:08,460 --> 00:42:09,940 "I look ridiculous!" 936 00:42:09,940 --> 00:42:11,540 LAUGHTER 937 00:42:11,540 --> 00:42:13,860 The Mohican hairstyle, which you've alluded to, 938 00:42:13,860 --> 00:42:15,620 is only called that in Britain. 939 00:42:15,620 --> 00:42:18,980 - What do they call it in America? - Something ridiculous. 940 00:42:18,980 --> 00:42:22,700 - They call it Mohawk. - A Mohawk! 941 00:42:22,700 --> 00:42:27,780 Yeah, but actually, neither Mohicans, neither the Mohegan... 942 00:42:27,780 --> 00:42:31,340 Whichever one you choose, none of them had their hair like that. 943 00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:33,620 Nor do Mohawks have their hair like that. 944 00:42:33,620 --> 00:42:36,780 It's the Pawnees who have their hair cut like that. 945 00:42:36,780 --> 00:42:39,820 But for some reason, Mohawk and Mohican is there. 946 00:42:39,820 --> 00:42:42,340 So, we haven't seen the last of the Mohicans. 947 00:42:42,340 --> 00:42:44,340 They're still coining it in their casinos. 948 00:42:44,340 --> 00:42:47,420 Ker-ching, ker-ching, chin-go ker-chook-chook-chook, ching ching. 949 00:42:47,420 --> 00:42:49,580 As Neville Chamberlain said, 950 00:42:49,580 --> 00:42:52,500 "In war, no matter which side may call itself the victor, 951 00:42:52,500 --> 00:42:54,700 "there are no winners, all are losers." 952 00:42:54,700 --> 00:42:56,740 And so it is with QI. 953 00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:59,620 But let's see who is the least losing of them all. 954 00:42:59,620 --> 00:43:01,580 Lord, oh, bless my blimey... 955 00:43:01,580 --> 00:43:04,460 Well, I have to say, it's a fantastic score 956 00:43:04,460 --> 00:43:06,540 for a first-time performance. 957 00:43:06,540 --> 00:43:08,660 Wow! Look at that! 958 00:43:08,660 --> 00:43:11,660 Quaking away at minus 2 is Sheila Hancock! 959 00:43:11,660 --> 00:43:14,780 APPLAUSE 960 00:43:15,980 --> 00:43:19,900 In second place, with minus 8, it's Jimmy Carr. 961 00:43:19,900 --> 00:43:22,620 APPLAUSE Minus 8 is good, that's great. 962 00:43:24,220 --> 00:43:27,580 In third place, going great guns, it's Jeremy. 963 00:43:27,580 --> 00:43:30,780 Minus 13. APPLAUSE 964 00:43:30,780 --> 00:43:32,900 Which means... How did you do that? 965 00:43:32,900 --> 00:43:36,420 And only just last is... 966 00:43:36,420 --> 00:43:38,580 Alan on minus 14. 967 00:43:38,580 --> 00:43:41,420 APPLAUSE 968 00:43:46,420 --> 00:43:48,820 That's all from Sheila, Jimmy, Jeremy, Alan and me. 969 00:43:48,820 --> 00:43:50,660 And I leave you with this deep thought 970 00:43:50,660 --> 00:43:52,380 of American humorist Jack Handy. 971 00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:54,780 "I can picture in my mind a world without war, 972 00:43:54,780 --> 00:43:56,260 "a world without hate 973 00:43:56,260 --> 00:43:58,220 "and I can picture us attacking that world, 974 00:43:58,220 --> 00:43:59,980 "because they'd never expect it." 975 00:43:59,980 --> 00:44:01,420 Good night.