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This programme contains
some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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WHISTLING

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Well...

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good evening, good evening,
good evening,

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good evening, good evening,
and welcome to QI,

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which tonight is a
melange of M places.

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Joining me on my metropolitan
meander are,

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the M-inent Sue Perkins!

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APPLAUSE

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The M-powered Sami Shah!

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APPLAUSE

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The M-phatic David Mitchell!

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APPLAUSE

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WHISTLING

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And...the frankly
M-barrassing Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Their buzzers

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celebrate some of the most
magnificent Ms on the map.

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Sue goes...

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♪ When I was walking in Memphis... ♪

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Sami goes...

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# I'm going to Miami...

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LAUGHTER

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♪ Welcome to Miami... ♪

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David goes...

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# And the lights all went down

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In Massachusetts... #

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Yeah, the Bee Gees. And Alan goes...

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♪ Glory, glory Man United... ♪

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GROANING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, don't you like that?

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Don't you like that?
Oh, try again. Oh...

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# Hate Man United

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♪ We only hate Man United... ♪

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
You see.

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So, which of the following
M-places is made up?

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There they are.

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Messak Settafet.

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Er, The Mountains of Kong.

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Meedhupparuraa...

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LAUGHTER

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Merv.

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♪ Miami... ♪ Yes, Sami?

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I'm going to say Meedhupparuraa,
only because...

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it has 'made up',
literally, in its name.

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ALARM

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Failure! There's a logic there

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and you're new to QI
and I'd like to be merciful,

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but I'm not going to be.
All right, fair enough.

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DAVID: But in a sense,
all names are made-up, aren't they?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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HIGH PITCHED: Welcome

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to the logically ruthless world
of David Mitchell!

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LAUGHTER

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Not that you sound like that,
I'm sorry.

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But no, of course you're right,
they are. Yeah. You're right.

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But which one is not existing?
But we have...

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The Mountains of Kong
sounds like it's from fiction. Kong.

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That sounds totally made up.
Mountains of Kong?

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You're right. You're right. Though...

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it was made up in a way that was
utterly convincing for 100 years.

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It's not like something from
Flash Gordon, or something?

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No, it's earlier than that.
It was a cartographer

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who was a highly respected figure...
Mm.

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..who was just imagining them.

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It was a chain of mountains all
the way across Africa,

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below the Sahara

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and before what you might call
'darkest Africa',

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sub-Saharan Africa,
as we'd now say.

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And this, right up to 1895,
this was in atlases.

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He was called James Rennell

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and he was a very respected figure.

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And he... Until someone...
Until he made it up.

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Until someone went
skiing in the Mountains of Kong.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, the effect of it was that
nobody... Should be here somewhere.

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The effect of it was
that nobody dreamt

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or thought of passing this barrier
and going through

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to the rest of Africa. Yeah.

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They had obviously navigated
the coast,

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there was the slave routes,
which were all the way further down,

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but everyone thought from the
north you couldn't get through.

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Did he, what did he do,
spill something on the map and..?

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That's quite possible!

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Oh, bollocks, I've just...
I'll call it the Mountains of...

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LAUGHTER
..Kong.

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But who, who gets to name, who gets
the honour of naming a thing?

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If you chance upon it,
can you call it..? Yeah.

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Kong Mountains, or Jimmy Hill, or...

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Maybe, in the case David Livingstone,
you'd call it Lake Victoria,

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after your dear queen
and all that sort of thing.

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Difficult to name it after
yourself, isn't it? It is.

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You have to name it
after someone and so,

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the thing to do, as an explorer,
would be to get there

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and then ask your assistant explorer
if they can think of a name.

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LAUGHTER

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You know, while reminding them
how they got that job. Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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"Oh, no, me? Really?
Oh, you can't be..." Yes.

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Well, he called somewhere Blantyre,

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for example, which is where he was
born in Scotland, Livingstone,

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but you do run out, don't you?

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It's a bit like the naming of waifs
and strays, orphaned children,

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at the Foundling Hospital in London.

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It's a rather wonderful
place to visit.

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And there's a plaque with names of
all these children who turned up

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who were orphans, or babies mostly,
left by their mothers.

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And after a while, the committee
for naming them just got bored.

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And so... Jessiah Table.

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LAUGHTER

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Charlotte Sky.

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In a way, it's just awful!
"Oh, I can't be arsed."

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John Thing. Yes!

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John Thing the Second.

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John Thing the Third.
John Other Thing. Yeah.

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Couldn't give a toss!

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402.

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LAUGHTER

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But Meedhupparuraa
exists in the Maldives.

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That's an island in the Raa Atoll.

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Well, it won't exist for long, then.
LAUGHTER

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Because it's very low.
Yes, yes, absolutely, yes. Very low.

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A couple more coal-fired
power stations

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and it'll be Meedhupparuraa again.
LAUGHTER

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What about Messak Settafet?

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Fine tennis player.
LAUGHTER

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Is it in Egypt?

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Not actually in Egypt,

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but not so many million miles away.
Shropshire.

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It's in the Sahara,
is what I'm trying to say.

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In the Sahara. It's in the Sahara,

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and it is known as containing more
tools than any other place on earth.

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Apart from "insert city."
Apart from Made In Chelsea.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You may say, "Oh, a lot of tools.
Well, that's not very interesting."

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But 75 artefacts per square metre,

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it's almost 200 million
per square mile.

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It's a staggering amount of man-made
objects. These things like hand axes?

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Yes. That sort of old tools.
Yeah, all those kinds of things.

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Over 100,00 years or so.

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Local sandstone was ideal.
Messak Settafet,

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is that Saharan language, whatever
it is, for Homebase, or...?

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LAUGHTER

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It was the right kind of rock.
Clay Tools R Us.

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They'd bought a lot of flint

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the day before the strimmer
was invented. Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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According to Dr Robert Foley
of Cambridge University,

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the rock extracted from Africa
by humans to make tools

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over the last million years
would be enough to build

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three Great Pyramids of Giza

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for every square mile
of the entire continent.

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Which is one way of expressing
that there were a lot of them.

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There was a lot more Africa

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before early man
turned it into tools.

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LAUGHTER
Well, it's still there.

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It's still in Africa, it's just now
loose. No, most of it's in museums.

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Pyramids and pyramids are in museums

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and in a big heap
in Messak Settafet.

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Probably the Mountains of Kong
WERE there.

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LAUGHTER
They were just... They just made
tools out of them. Yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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Very good indeed.

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So, Merv. Where's Merv?
Where was Merv? Where is Merv?

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Where could Merv be?
Usually fielding on the boundary.

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LAUGHTER
So you're talking about...
Merv Hughes.

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Merv Hughes, Merv the Swerve. Yeah.

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No, it's not that.
It genuinely was a place.

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Where's Merv? I don't know.
Well, it was a city.

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Is that Merv... The earliest city
is supposed to be Ur, isn't it?

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- Yeah, that's just, they're like,
"What shall we name it? Urgh!"

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- Exactly. Argh! Eeeh!
- "Sounds good to me, yeah!"

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- It's like the first stage of
sophistication beyond Ur,

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we've gone Ur, Argh, Eurgh and Eeh.

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You need then Merv, Brrf, Prrf.
LAUGHTER

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And then Seurgh.

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Merv was on the legendary Silk Road.

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OK. The great trading route.
Oh, all right. Yeah.

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So China and India. You mean in
China and India and Pakistan.

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Exactly. Through your... Yeah,
it's in my neck of the woods,
if you will. Yeah, exactly.

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Good old Merv, we used to go
there for chai and beverages.

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LAUGHTER

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There's a guy there who makes
an amazing naan.

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LAUGHTER

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Is it like Knutsford,
like a services?

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Naan, lovely, but surely chai
is disgusting.

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Chai is tea! Oh, chai's lovely.
It's hot, sweet milky.

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It's always sweet... It's only
your fault we have that!
LAUGHTER

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Have you ever asked... There was
no chai before the British came.

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"..I'll have some chai, please,
but without sugar."

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Why would you ask without sugar?

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That's genuinely an insult which is,
yeah, it's punishable. Uh-oh.
LAUGHTER

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I'd rather not get type 2 diabetes.

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Stephen, he's only been here ten
minutes and you've insulted him.

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If you can't commit to type 2
diabetes, then you shouldn't have
chai in the first place.

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LAUGHTER
I've learnt that, painfully.
Fair enough.

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Let's get back to Merv.

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It was arguably the largest
city in the world,

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had a population of 200,000 people.

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This is, we're going back from 1150s
to 1200, that sort of thing.

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A bit quieter now, though,
by the look of it. Well, yes.

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LAUGHTER

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Just a man and a donkey. Ever since
they built the railway! Yep.

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LAUGHTER

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Since they built the freeway.
He's sitting there like, "They'll
come back soon."

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That's what happened when
they built the bypass.

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The bottom fell out of
the market for green stuff.

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LAUGHTER

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But it all sounds a bit
George RR Martin, actually,

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cos it changed hands between
the Khwarazmians of Khiva,

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the Ghuzz and the Ghurids.

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And the Dothraki.
And the Dothraki in the end.
LAUGHTER

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In 1221, they surrendered to the
Mongols, which was a big mistake.

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Didn't everyone surrender
to the Mongols around then?

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I would. I don't think surrendering
was the right word, though.

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They didn't have a choice in
the matter as such. Not really,

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and the result was they were all
massacred, every one of them killed.

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Disaster. Yeah. Except for that
person. The Mongols didn't understand
the basics, did they?

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Yeah, the Mongols were not kind
or polite. Yeah, bad Mongols!

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We might come to them
later, who knows?

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But the closest modern city
to Merv is in Turkmenistan,

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and it's called Mary. I like that.
It's a city called Mary. Mother Mary.

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Why do you think it's called Mary?
Erm, why is it called Mary?

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Oh, because Catholic
missionaries, or...?

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No, it's because they believe that's
where the mother of Jee-ee-sus...

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LAUGHTER
..was buried.

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LAUGHTER BUILDS

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Anyway! Why would the
mother of Jesus have

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gone quite such a
long way to be buried?

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It's a long way from Nazareth.

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Cos she wasn't as much of a
celebrity, then...

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LAUGHTER

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Nowadays, it would be no
problem for her to sort it out.

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You could get a sponsorship deal,
Richard Branson would happily

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helicopter her anywhere
in the world to be buried,

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but in those days it's
just a long trek... It was.

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..with no-one really taking
any notice of you.

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She's just another dead Mary,
isn't she? Exactly.

239
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:12,700
Maybe it was just a random. Are they
sure it's the right Mary? Yeah.

240
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:16,700
Well, it could be, because there was
all kinds of Marys around. Yes.

241
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:19,700
It was like Brighton,
it was just full of Marys.

242
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:22,700
So - thank you for getting
that, if you did - erm...

243
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,700
LAUGHTER

244
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:28,700
The Mountains of Kong aren't real,
but Meedhupparuraa is.

245
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,700
Can you give me your best
Mummerset accent?

246
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:33,700
"Mummerset."

247
00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:36,700
THEY MUMBLE

248
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,700
You're hoping for an, "ooh-aar."

249
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:42,700
Yes, that's correct. That's right.
It's not difficult. Oh. Yeah.

250
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,700
Another go. So that's like
a generic mumbling. Yeah.

251
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,700
It's not even West Country,
is it, Mummerset?

252
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:51,700
It's sort of like a default kind
of... It can be east and west or
anywhere. That's right, yes.

253
00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:54,700
You replace an S with a Z, like
"zider," all that sort of thing.

254
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:57,700
F with a V - Vry, Stephen Vry.

255
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:01,700
Right, so for example, "I haven't
seen Alan since Friday,"

256
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:04,700
becomes, "Oi ain't zeen
that Alan since Vroiday."

257
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,700
LAUGHTER

258
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:08,700
Why is it called Mummerset?

259
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:12,700
Mummerset. What is a mummer? What
are mummers? Oh, a theatrical player.
A theatrical clown.

260
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:16,700
Mummers are... Like a clown or
something. Actors. Players. Actors.

261
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:19,700
And it's a word given to the
generic West Country accent

262
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:24,700
that - most West Country people
would say - bad actors

263
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:27,700
give to a clown, a fool...
On BBC radio.

264
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:30,700
..a rustic, any kind of figure like
that, in a drama or a film. Pirates.

265
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:32,700
They say, "Ooh-aar,
you can't come here."

266
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:35,700
Pirates are bit West Country,
aren't they? Yeah.

267
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:36,700
"Aar. Aaaar."

268
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,700
So, how do you say, "Hay!"?

269
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:41,700
Like that! I don't know.

270
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:43,700
LAUGHTER

271
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:44,700
Hay!

272
00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:47,700
Hay bales!

273
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:51,700
Whooo!

274
00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:52,700
It's not unique... Hay!

275
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:55,700
LAUGHTER

276
00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:57,700
It's not unique to English.
He's delighted.

277
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:59,700
I gather, Sami, that...
I've lost my needle !

278
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,700
LAUGHTER

279
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,700
APPLAUSE
Help me !

280
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:10,700
But I gather, Sami, there is
a generic Indian accent?

281
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:13,700
Well, OK, there is a generic
Indian accent -

282
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,700
PUTS ON ACCENT: "Talking like this
and everything's OK."

283
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:18,700
But I realised recently, cos I was
doing a Pakistani character

284
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,700
in one of my stand-up shows, where I
was talking about my relative,

285
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:24,700
and I put on a generic
Indian accent, and I was like,

286
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:26,700
"Am I being racist towards myself
at this point?"
LAUGHTER

287
00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:30,700
PUTS ON ACCENT: "How are you doing?"
And I think, but I don't
talk like that.

288
00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:33,700
So I don't know why I did that to
myself. That is fascinating. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

289
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:36,700
Yeah, on the subject of
accents and so on,

290
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:39,700
who was the first BBC newsreader

291
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:42,700
to have what you might call a
regional accent? Do you know this?

292
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:45,700
Uh... It was a Yorkshire accent,
as it goes.

293
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:48,700
I don't know. I'm trying to
remember one. So from Yorkshire?

294
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,700
It was during the Second World War.

295
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:54,700
And the idea was, people thought -
the BBC and the Government thought

296
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:58,700
that a local accent would be harder
for a German impostor to put on.
LAUGHTER

297
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,700
Because the newsreaders
had to say their name.

298
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:03,700
So they'd say, "This is the six
o'clock news read by Alvar Lidell,"
or whatever.

299
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,700
"Read by Wolfgang... Oh, oh!"

300
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:07,700
LAUGHTER

301
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:09,700
Exactly. Got you! Got you! Ha, ha!

302
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:12,700
And it was, "This is
the six o'clock news

303
00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:14,700
"read by Wilfred Pickles."

304
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:15,700
Oh, Pickles. Yeah, Wilfred Pickles.

305
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:19,700
Unfortunately the public reported
that while they may believe that it
was Wilfred Pickles,

306
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,700
what they didn't believe
was a word he said.

307
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:24,700
IN A POSH ACCENT: "Because he didn't
speak like this."

308
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:26,700
IN A YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "This was
a lot of fuss about nothing."

309
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:30,700
"So we are winning the war in
the Atlantic." "No, that's rubbish."

310
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:32,700
LAUGHTER

311
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:35,700
That's how it went.
So actors, yeah, have this...

312
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,700
You're an actor as well
as a comedian.

313
00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:39,700
I did one stage play
a while back, yeah.

314
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:42,700
I believe it was Romeo And Juliet?
Yes. And naturally you played...

315
00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:44,700
I played Juliet, actually.

316
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:45,700
LAUGHTER

317
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:49,700
No, it was... The point of the play
was to create awareness

318
00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:52,700
about homosexuality and about
AIDS awareness in Pakistan.

319
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:56,700
So we did the play and the goal
was I would play Juliet

320
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,700
and we'd have a man
playing Romeo as well.

321
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:02,700
But we did one night and then we
got told not to do any more.

322
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:05,700
When you say told not to do any
more, is that a euphemism for...

323
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,700
It's not a, "No, please
don't do any more."

324
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:10,700
It's not like that at all, no. No.
It's a, "Please don't do any more."

325
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:14,700
Well, I mean, they don't ever have
to point it, because it's, um...

326
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:17,700
Because they've got a massive sword.
Yeah, it's implied.
LAUGHTER

327
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:22,700
I don't want to make hasty judgements
about Pakistan, I've never been,
but you've got the Taliban. Hello?

328
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,700
Yeah, but other than them it's nice.
LAUGHTER

329
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:27,700
I mean, how do you go back? Yeah,
but Stephen, the naans, the naans!

330
00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:29,700
The naans are amazing.

331
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:31,700
LAUGHTER

332
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:33,700
APPLAUSE

333
00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:38,700
But seriously, how do you go back
when you do things like this?

334
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,700
You stand up for gay rights.

335
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,700
You're not a gay man yourself,
but you stand up for them, which is

336
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:45,700
completely, as it were, unnecessary,
but a magnificent thing to do.

337
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:49,700
How do you...dare? What happens is
you get the death threats

338
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,700
and as long as you're getting
the death threats...

339
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:55,700
Oh, we all get death threats, don't
we? Yes! But we get them for silly
things like, you know,

340
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,700
not being ever considered to be
the host of a motoring show.

341
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:00,700
You get for doing really
serious, humanitarian,

342
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:01,700
against-the-grain, political work.

343
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,700
Well, it's all just stand-up
comedy at the end of the day,

344
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:07,700
so you're kind of wondering whether,
like, is this another penis joke?

345
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,700
Like, you don't know how
humanitarian it is.

346
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,700
So is there a thriving
stand-up circuit?

347
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:13,700
There was me and another guy.

348
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:14,700
LAUGHTER

349
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:19,700
And he's an undercover agent! Yeah!

350
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:22,700
And he's German, it turns out.

351
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:25,700
No, the main thing I realised
was as long as the death

352
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:27,700
threats are coming, you're safe.

353
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:30,700
It's when they stop coming, that
means the people sending the threats

354
00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:32,700
are now coming over.
LAUGHTER

355
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,700
They used to say in the First World
War, when you hear the

356
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,700
whistle of the shells, it's when
they stop you're in danger.

357
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:38,700
That's right. God.

358
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:41,700
Well, Mummerset - exactly,
it's mummers,

359
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:43,700
actors and their generic
West Country accent.

360
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:45,700
Now, while we're in the West Country,

361
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:49,700
the highest point in Cornwall
is called Brown Willy.

362
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,700
But can you name an M-word
for the part of the body

363
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:54,700
that Brown Willy is named after?

364
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:56,700
Hello. I say!

365
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:57,700
LAUGHTER

366
00:16:57,700 --> 00:17:00,700
Massive man tool. Massive man tool.
Massive man tool.

367
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:04,700
Is it the middle? Midriff, you mean?
Is it the pectorals?

368
00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:07,700
Mid...midr... No, just the middle.
The middle, general middle.

369
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:08,700
The middle of a person.

370
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:10,700
LAUGHTER

371
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:13,700
Can I just say about that man, he's
spent so much time on his torso,

372
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,700
and yet that hair. Yeah.

373
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:16,700
LAUGHTER

374
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,700
And I say that with this,
but you know.

375
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:22,700
The Brown in Brown Willy actually
comes from... A bit of the body
beginning with M...

376
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:24,700
The mind. Ooooh. Oh, yeah.

377
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:28,700
Aaah. Is that body or is it...?
Oh, I say. Well, that's interesting.
See what I did there?

378
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:31,700
It comes from... An internal
organ beginning with M?

379
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,700
The old Cornish word Bronn
is the Brown bit. OK.

380
00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:36,700
And that means breast.
Breast? Breast.

381
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,700
Breast.

382
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,700
LAUGHTER
Mammary glands.

383
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:44,700
Yeah, exactly. Does it make you feel
more comforted to say it repeatedly?

384
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:47,700
LAUGHTER
Mammaries, exactly. Breast, breast!

385
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:51,700
So yeah, and Willy was originally
Wennili, meaning swallow.

386
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:53,700
I mean the animal. The bird.
Right, sure.

387
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:55,700
LAUGHTER

388
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,700
There are lots of places in the UK
named after mammaries.

389
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:59,700
Can you name one?

390
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:01,700
Um... Boob Town. Boob Town!

391
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,700
LAUGHTER
No, can you name a real one?

392
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:06,700
Oh, sorry. Great Tit-chfield.

393
00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:08,700
The Mountains of Boob.

394
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:10,700
LAUGHTER

395
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:13,700
LAUGHING: The Mountains of Boob.
Well...

396
00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:15,700
Press your buzzer.

397
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,700
♪ Man United... ♪

398
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:19,700
Manchester? Yes!

399
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:21,700
Oh. It was Mam-chester originally.

400
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:23,700
Mam as in mammary. Yes.

401
00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:25,700
And it's got "chest"
in it as well. Yeah!

402
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:27,700
LAUGHTER

403
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:29,700
It's an incredibly
rudely named place.

404
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,700
Full breasts, the mammaries
and the chest. Yeah.

405
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:34,700
And there's Nippleton, as well,
isn't there? Yeah.

406
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,700
It's from the Celtic "Mam".

407
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:39,700
And you've got Mam Tor in Derbyshire.

408
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:40,700
Jugsford.

409
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,700
LAUGHTER

410
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,700
Racksbury.

411
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:47,700
Melonford.

412
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:49,700
Great Titty. Bazookaville.

413
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:51,700
LAUGHTER

414
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:52,700
Rackton.

415
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,700
LAUGHTER

416
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,700
Oh, dear, gracious.

417
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:59,700
The Paps of Anu in Ireland are
named after the breasts...

418
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:00,700
LAUGHTER

419
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:03,700
And there's a Pap of Glencoe
and a Maiden Pap in Scotland.

420
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,700
There's Papworth.
Papworth, absolutely.

421
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:07,700
There's a hospital there.

422
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:10,700
And what about Titty Hill
in West Sussex? What about it?

423
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:13,700
It exists, but it's not named
after breasts. No, of course.

424
00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:17,700
What's it named after? The other
tits. Sir Malcolm Titty.

425
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:19,700
LAUGHTER

426
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,700
It's so silly, it's funny.

427
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:24,700
His assistant named it when
they both discovered it.

428
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,700
"What do you think we should
call this?" "Er..."

429
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:29,700
"I think we should name it
after you, Titty." "Titty Hill."

430
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:33,700
LAUGHTER
"You found it, Titty."

431
00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:35,700
"Well, we're not going to name it
after you, Big Dick."

432
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:37,700
Silly Carry On lines. Oh, dear.

433
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:41,700
It's actually named after, I think
you were struggling to say that,
what it was named after.

434
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:44,700
Oh, the birds? The birds, the tits.
The blue tits. Blue tits.

435
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:47,700
Or the great tits. Blue tits,
great tits, yeah. Birds.
LAUGHTER

436
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:50,700
Brown Willy is the highest point
of Bodmin Moor. Of anyone's life.

437
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,700
LAUGHTER

438
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:56,700
Anyway, how mad can a mango
make a man go?

439
00:19:56,700 --> 00:20:01,700
LAUGHTER
Do you see what I did?
There's a mango.

440
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,700
This is a story you either know or
you don't, but it is actually

441
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:08,700
genuinely a fascinating story, and
rather horrifically repellent, too.

442
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:10,700
So where a mango made a man go mad?

443
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:14,700
It made a whole nation go mad,
actually, this. Is there something
toxic about a mango?

444
00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:17,700
Not toxic. It made them go mad
in a fever of worship.

445
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:19,700
Oh, so they fetishised the mango?

446
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,700
They fetishised the man who
gave them the mango.

447
00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:25,700
They made a god of a mango-bringing
man? Virtually, yes. Right.

448
00:20:25,700 --> 00:20:28,700
Absolutely right. Was it Del Monte,
the man from Del Monte?

449
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:30,700
LAUGHTER

450
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:33,700
That would have been relatively sane,
in a strange sort of way.

451
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:38,700
To worship the man from Del Monte?
This was the largest nation on earth
in the 1960s. 1968, to be precise.

452
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:41,700
China. China. China.
So who ruled China in 1968?

453
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:44,700
Mao Zedong. Mao Zedong.
The hero of the people.

454
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:47,700
He received a crate of
mangos from...

455
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,700
The man from Del Monte!
The man from Del Monte.

456
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:52,700
The man responsible was the Pakistani
Foreign Minister. There we go.

457
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:55,700
Do you know this story? Oh! Yeah,
because the Pakistani mango is,

458
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:59,700
no matter what the Indians say,
the best in the world. Yes.

459
00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:03,700
And the fact that I haven't had a
Pakistani mango in three years now

460
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:05,700
is just a point of misery for me.
You really miss them?

461
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:07,700
Oh, my God, they're amazing.
They really are.

462
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:11,700
If you try and eat a mango,
usually they've been over-chilled

463
00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:14,700
in Britain, so they're fibrous and
that stone in the middle is too close

464
00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:18,700
to the flesh, and you try it with
your knife and it squirts over you.

465
00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:20,700
What should you do? Should you just
simply bury your head in it?

466
00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:22,700
There's no dignity. Right, so you...

467
00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:26,700
Mangos are like lobsters. You can't
look cool and eat a mango.

468
00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:29,700
Like, you decide,
"I'm eating the mango

469
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,700
"OR I'm getting laid tonight."

470
00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:34,700
LAUGHTER
Those are the choices
you make in life.

471
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:38,700
Well, obviously, then, the Pakistani
Foreign Minister in 1968 thought

472
00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:42,700
he was doing a really smart thing
by giving such a beautiful fruit,

473
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:45,700
a crate of them to the leader of
the most populous nation on earth,

474
00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:50,700
Mao Zedong, and he instantly
re-gifted those mangos.

475
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:53,700
This is where it gets weird.
Awkward. Yeah. He gave them to

476
00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:56,700
the factory workers' peace-keeping
squads, who called themselves

477
00:21:56,700 --> 00:22:00,700
The Worker Peasant Mao Zedong
Thought Propaganda Teams.

478
00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:02,700
Catchy.
LAUGHTER

479
00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:05,700
What's the big deal?
He didn't like them, re-gifted them.

480
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:08,700
No story there.
The crate of mangos was split up

481
00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:10,700
and individual fruits
were sent to factories,

482
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:14,700
where they were put on altars -
so yes, you were right, worshipped -

483
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:17,700
preserved in formaldehyde,
sealed in wax,

484
00:22:17,700 --> 00:22:20,700
and in one case, boiled
in a huge pot of water,

485
00:22:20,700 --> 00:22:24,700
and one teaspoon went to each worker,
of the water.

486
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:27,700
So they didn't eat the mango?
No. It gets weirder.

487
00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:30,700
There were mango... Just...
There were Mao mango...
LAUGHTER

488
00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:32,700
Lots of M's here. Sacrilege! It is!

489
00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:36,700
There were Mao mango medallions.
Textiles with mango pictures on them.

490
00:22:36,700 --> 00:22:39,700
Hundreds more mango artefacts -
trays, mugs, fabric.

491
00:22:39,700 --> 00:22:42,700
The state even produced
Mango brand cigarettes.

492
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:44,700
Despite all this, most people
in China, of course,

493
00:22:44,700 --> 00:22:46,700
had never seen a mango.
There was only one crate

494
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:48,700
to go round a billion people.

495
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:50,700
LAUGHTER

496
00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:53,700
One man who remarked that
it was nothing special

497
00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:55,700
and looked just like a sweet potato

498
00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:57,700
was arrested as
a counter-revolutionary...

499
00:22:57,700 --> 00:23:00,700
LAUGHTER
As he should have been.

500
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:02,700
..put on - wait for it -
put on trial, found guilty,

501
00:23:02,700 --> 00:23:05,700
taken to the edge of town and shot.

502
00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:08,700
LAUGHTER

503
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:10,700
Sorry, sorry. Now, come on!

504
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:13,700
I'm just saying! Sorry.
APPLAUSE

505
00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:17,700
There we go. It's pretty
astonishing though, isn't it?

506
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:20,700
It tells a lot about human nature.
It's very unfortunate.

507
00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:24,700
What you want to do, you want to
slice the side off and then score it

508
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:27,700
with horizontal and
vertical lines... Oooh.

509
00:23:27,700 --> 00:23:29,700
..and then kind of
pop it inside out...

510
00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:33,700
And then it's like a little
hedgehog. Yeah. ..and then you
eat the little squares.

511
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:34,700
AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS

512
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:37,700
You can get a sort of
clutter that shape.
LAUGHTER

513
00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:39,700
Round of applause for
describing how to eat a mango!

514
00:23:39,700 --> 00:23:42,700
The Mango Appreciation
Society is in.

515
00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:45,700
I'm very proud to be
part of a show in which

516
00:23:45,700 --> 00:23:48,700
we can spend ten minutes
discussing mangos. Yeah.

517
00:23:48,700 --> 00:23:50,700
It's very pleasing. Lovely.

518
00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:54,700
Now, who gets best use
out of a man engine?

519
00:23:54,700 --> 00:23:56,700
A woman.

520
00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:58,700
LAUGHTER

521
00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:02,700
Can't believe that hasn't gone off!

522
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:03,700
LAUGHTER

523
00:24:03,700 --> 00:24:06,700
Do you want to know what
the forfeit was? No.

524
00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:08,700
"You do, Stephen."

525
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:10,700
LAUGHTER

526
00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:12,700
Isn't that sick? I said,

527
00:24:12,700 --> 00:24:14,700
"No, no-one's going to say that!"
And you didn't.

528
00:24:14,700 --> 00:24:16,700
Yeah, we've moved beyond.
Yeah, exactly.

529
00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:20,700
Anyway, what do you get out of a man
engine? Is it invented by a Mr Man?

530
00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:23,700
Not a Mr Man, not like... Mr Men.
LAUGHTER

531
00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:26,700
Mr Strong or... Mr Inventor.
Roger Hargreaves. Yeah.

532
00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:28,700
Mr Brilliant Inventor. Mr Inventor.

533
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:31,700
But someone whose surname was Man?

534
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:33,700
No, it's nothing to do with that.

535
00:24:33,700 --> 00:24:35,700
What was the first engine?
Steam engines. Steam.

536
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:38,700
There was the Newcomen engine.
The Newcomen engine, where was that?

537
00:24:38,700 --> 00:24:40,700
That was in the early 18th century,

538
00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,700
it was for pumping water
out of mines.

539
00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:46,700
Where were those mines? Cornwall.
Cornwall? Cornwall. Tin mines.

540
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:49,700
Tin mines. Trevithick, his engine,
and Newcomen, as you rightly say.

541
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:53,700
So, you've got to get men down the
mines to hammer away and get the tin.

542
00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:56,700
And there, you can see, there's a
ladder that goes a certain way down,

543
00:24:56,700 --> 00:25:00,700
but if you dig down, dig down, dig
down, dig down, and then you've
got a real problem.

544
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:04,700
The men have got to get all the way
down to the bottom, all the way up to
the top, and they'll be knackered.

545
00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:07,700
You're not getting good productivity
out of them. So you need... A lift!

546
00:25:07,700 --> 00:25:11,700
Yeah, but there's no technology
for a lift. Oh, shit!
You need a man engine!

547
00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:14,700
So all you have is a wheel that
goes round, like that. Oh, yeah.

548
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:16,700
That's what you have.
It's very cunning, look at that.

549
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:19,700
Watch the men there going up.
That's like two weird ski lifts.

550
00:25:19,700 --> 00:25:22,700
I bet there were never
accidents doing that.
LAUGHTER

551
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:24,700
Well, given how many there are
in coal mines....

552
00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:26,700
It's beautifully elegant, isn't it?

553
00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:29,700
And is that when they invented
the computer game as well?

554
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:30,700
LAUGHTER

555
00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:33,700
Well, that's to give you
an impression of how it works.

556
00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:36,700
It's actually rather elegant.
As you can see, the flywheel or
whatever you call it,

557
00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:39,700
the wheel which converts into this
downward and upward motion.

558
00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:43,700
And obviously if you reverse,
it'll get the men down.

559
00:25:43,700 --> 00:25:44,700
I could watch that for days.

560
00:25:44,700 --> 00:25:47,700
Yeah. I've actually gone into a
hypnotic trance now, have you?

561
00:25:47,700 --> 00:25:51,700
As you can see, this one is simply
run by water, it's not even
a steam engine.

562
00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:53,700
And then they get on
a conveyor belt at the top.

563
00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:56,700
LAUGHTER

564
00:25:57,700 --> 00:26:00,700
APPLAUSE

565
00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:03,700
Yes, you're right.

566
00:26:04,700 --> 00:26:07,700
It can't be, they hadn't invented
that. It must be an ice rink.

567
00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:09,700
LAUGHTER

568
00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:10,700
These days, mines are... "Argh!"

569
00:26:10,700 --> 00:26:15,700
"Argh! Argh!"

570
00:26:15,700 --> 00:26:18,700
LAUGHTER
The Lemmings game.

571
00:26:18,700 --> 00:26:22,700
Now, what are the three manly games?

572
00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:24,700
Rugger, surely.

573
00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:26,700
KLAXON

574
00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:32,700
Not rugby. Spin the bottle? Boxing.

575
00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,700
Boxing? Oh... No.
KLAXON

576
00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:36,700
David, David, David, David, David...

577
00:26:36,700 --> 00:26:39,700
Is it going to be Tiddlywinks
and... Oh!

578
00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:41,700
KLAXON

579
00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:43,700
LAUGHTER

580
00:26:43,700 --> 00:26:45,700
APPLAUSE

581
00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:47,700
That is miraculous, I have to say.

582
00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:49,700
Greco-Roman wrestling.

583
00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:51,700
It's a form of wrestling.
It's not Greco-Roman -

584
00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:55,700
it's very much of its own country,
which begins with our... M?

585
00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:57,700
..our guest letter, yes, exactly.
Mongolian wrestling.

586
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:59,700
Mongolia is the right answer!

587
00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:02,700
Oh, I'm bouncing back from
the tiddlywinks fiasco.

588
00:27:02,700 --> 00:27:05,700
Yeah, the Mongolians have these
games in their biggest festival,

589
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:07,700
which is Naadam.

590
00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:09,700
So, as you can see,
it's archery, it's horse racing

591
00:27:09,700 --> 00:27:11,700
and it's wrestling in tight pants.

592
00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:12,700
And that's what the Mongolians do.

593
00:27:12,700 --> 00:27:14,700
Those aren't pants, sorry.
Aren't they?

594
00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:17,700
They're underwear. Oh, yeah! We
have a linguistic issue here,

595
00:27:17,700 --> 00:27:18,700
you're right. I'm... Oh, sorry.

596
00:27:18,700 --> 00:27:20,700
Oh, so in England are underwear
pants?

597
00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:22,700
Yes. Yes. That explains
a lot of confusion I have.

598
00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:25,700
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

599
00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:27,700
It's... What they're really wearing

600
00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:29,700
is some sort of cheerleader's
outfit. Yeah.

601
00:27:29,700 --> 00:27:32,700
It's a sort of crop top and tight
underpants and boots.

602
00:27:32,700 --> 00:27:34,700
This is confusing for me,
cos this is exactly what Mary Berry

603
00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:36,700
is wearing
in this season of Bake Off.

604
00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:38,700
LAUGHTER

605
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:40,700
And it's... She's got a soggy
bottom!

606
00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:43,700
In that outfit, everyone has a soggy
bottom. Well, that's true.

607
00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:45,700
The thing is, although they're
called the three manly games,

608
00:27:45,700 --> 00:27:48,700
women can enter the archery
and the racing, the horsing,

609
00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:51,700
but they can't enter the
wrestling with men in it.

610
00:27:51,700 --> 00:27:53,700
Is the jockey tiny or
is the horse enormous?

611
00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:55,700
LAUGHTER

612
00:27:55,700 --> 00:27:58,700
A bit of both! A bit of both plus
the effect of...

613
00:27:58,700 --> 00:28:01,700
Its vast head! I think
that horse is a donkey.

614
00:28:01,700 --> 00:28:03,700
LAUGHTER

615
00:28:03,700 --> 00:28:06,700
Do you really? It does look like a
donkey. Yeah, I think it's a donkey.

616
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:09,700
I don't think that person will win
cos his horse is a donkey.

617
00:28:09,700 --> 00:28:10,700
LAUGHTER

618
00:28:10,700 --> 00:28:12,700
But this will interest you, I think.

619
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:16,700
The winner of the Naadam wrestling
contest is given the title...

620
00:28:16,700 --> 00:28:18,700
Oh, there he is. Yeah. Ooh, hello.

621
00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:21,700
Did the man second back ever have
his breasts used

622
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:25,700
to model a tor in,
or a mountain in, Cornwall?

623
00:28:25,700 --> 00:28:26,700
Because it...
LAUGHTER

624
00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:28,700
What is it with the clothes
and the hats,

625
00:28:28,700 --> 00:28:31,700
what are they doing?! Look, this is
a culture long established

626
00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:33,700
that murdered all
the people of Merv.

627
00:28:33,700 --> 00:28:36,700
Yeah.
LAUGHTER

628
00:28:36,700 --> 00:28:38,700
They make fun of their predecessors.
Yeah...

629
00:28:38,700 --> 00:28:40,700
When they turned up in Merv,
and everyone went...

630
00:28:40,700 --> 00:28:42,700
HE LAUGHS
We surrender and your clothes are
funny!

631
00:28:42,700 --> 00:28:44,700
LAUGHTER

632
00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:47,700
In Mongolia, nothing's more manly
than wrestling another man

633
00:28:47,700 --> 00:28:49,700
in a pair of tiny underpants.

634
00:28:49,700 --> 00:28:53,700
What's the connection between
margarine and marriage in Maine?

635
00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:56,700
Oh... Is this like a sort of erm...
Is it an anagram?

636
00:28:56,700 --> 00:29:00,700
It's about statistics... Oh, is it
about...people less interested?

637
00:29:00,700 --> 00:29:03,700
Well, there's a man called
Tyler Vigen of Harvard University,

638
00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:06,700
who describes himself as
a "statistical provocateur",

639
00:29:06,700 --> 00:29:11,700
and he's found evidence that...
He sounds AWFUL.

640
00:29:11,700 --> 00:29:13,700
LAUGHTER

641
00:29:13,700 --> 00:29:15,700
He's really trying to sex up
his dossier there.

642
00:29:15,700 --> 00:29:18,700
Can you imagine
getting stuck at a party

643
00:29:18,700 --> 00:29:20,700
with a statistical provocateur?

644
00:29:20,700 --> 00:29:22,700
LAUGHTER

645
00:29:22,700 --> 00:29:25,700
"Are you saying there are more
schoolchildren who

646
00:29:25,700 --> 00:29:27,700
"have pencils than don't?"

647
00:29:27,700 --> 00:29:30,700
"Well... Prepare to be shocked!"
LAUGHTER

648
00:29:30,700 --> 00:29:33,700
I'd say 75% of me
thinks you're a total dick.

649
00:29:33,700 --> 00:29:35,700
LAUGHTER

650
00:29:35,700 --> 00:29:39,700
Oh, I feel sorry for him now,
you bastards. No, there is a point
to him.

651
00:29:40,700 --> 00:29:43,700
He discovered that the divorce rate
in Maine since 2000

652
00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:47,700
correlates with the
per capita consumption of margarine
in the United States as a whole.

653
00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:50,700
In other words,
when margarine consumption goes up...

654
00:29:50,700 --> 00:29:52,700
so do the number of divorces.

655
00:29:52,700 --> 00:29:55,700
But that's a false correlation
presumably. Yes! That's the point.

656
00:29:55,700 --> 00:29:59,700
He actually wants us to understand
that it's very easy for us to believe

657
00:29:59,700 --> 00:30:04,700
that you get a set of statistics
that say...

658
00:30:04,700 --> 00:30:07,700
"as the amount of free milk
and orange juice went up in the '50s

659
00:30:07,700 --> 00:30:10,700
"so did the literacy
rate in Britain" -

660
00:30:10,700 --> 00:30:14,700
people go, "Oh, that just shows them
orange juice and milk are very
important to literacy."

661
00:30:14,700 --> 00:30:17,700
It's bollocks. You have to
demonstrate a causal relationship.

662
00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:19,700
This is what's
known as a correlative one.

663
00:30:19,700 --> 00:30:22,700
And he becomes more
and more ridiculous.

664
00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:24,700
And that's why he's a provocateur,
he wants to...

665
00:30:24,700 --> 00:30:28,700
SOUNDS provocative. Yeah.
It is, kind of. He discovered -

666
00:30:28,700 --> 00:30:29,700
these are just "M" ones alone -

667
00:30:29,700 --> 00:30:32,700
the age of Miss America correlates
to the number of murders by steam,

668
00:30:32,700 --> 00:30:34,700
hot vapours and hot objects.

669
00:30:34,700 --> 00:30:37,700
LAUGHTER
The marriage rate in New York

670
00:30:37,700 --> 00:30:39,700
correlates with the number of murders
by blunt objects.

671
00:30:39,700 --> 00:30:42,700
So the more people get married in
New York, the more murders there are.

672
00:30:42,700 --> 00:30:45,700
That might actually be causative.
LAUGHTER

673
00:30:45,700 --> 00:30:47,700
George Canning, who was Prime
Minister of Britain for the

674
00:30:47,700 --> 00:30:50,700
supreme length of 119 days -

675
00:30:50,700 --> 00:30:52,700
there he is, not the
best-known Prime Minister -

676
00:30:52,700 --> 00:30:55,700
he said, "I can prove anything
with statistics,

677
00:30:55,700 --> 00:30:56,700
"except the truth."

678
00:30:56,700 --> 00:30:58,700
Mmmm!

679
00:30:58,700 --> 00:31:00,700
That's when they got rid of him.

680
00:31:00,700 --> 00:31:02,700
LAUGHTER
Yeah.

681
00:31:02,700 --> 00:31:03,700
They went, "Oh, God..."

682
00:31:03,700 --> 00:31:05,700
I was thinking the...

683
00:31:05,700 --> 00:31:07,700
"Can't you be more provocative?!"

684
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:08,700
LAUGHTER

685
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:11,700
Now - describe the morning glory
of the rubber people of Mexico.

686
00:31:11,700 --> 00:31:12,700
ALAN LAUGHS

687
00:31:15,700 --> 00:31:18,700
Is there something amusing
in that question? Yeah.

688
00:31:18,700 --> 00:31:20,700
The morning glory of the rubber
people. The rubber people?

689
00:31:20,700 --> 00:31:22,700
Break it down for us.

690
00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:24,700
What's morning glory?

691
00:31:24,700 --> 00:31:26,700
Well, morning glory

692
00:31:26,700 --> 00:31:30,700
is a delicious vegetable enjoyed by
many people in southeast Asia
and often put in broths,

693
00:31:30,700 --> 00:31:32,700
and a massive erection.

694
00:31:32,700 --> 00:31:34,700
LAUGHTER

695
00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:39,700
Yeah, a morning glory is indeed
a flower, beautiful flower.
Vegetable and flower. Yeah.

696
00:31:39,700 --> 00:31:41,700
The rubber people...?

697
00:31:41,700 --> 00:31:43,700
DAVID: Are these where
there are rubber trees?

698
00:31:43,700 --> 00:31:45,700
Well, it's the early
people of Mexico,

699
00:31:45,700 --> 00:31:47,700
the earliest people we know of...

700
00:31:47,700 --> 00:31:49,700
SAMI: The rubber age.
LAUGHTER

701
00:31:49,700 --> 00:31:52,700
The rubber age!
Iron age, rubber age.

702
00:31:52,700 --> 00:31:55,700
Well, it was for them
a rubber age, exactly. These people.

703
00:31:55,700 --> 00:31:59,700
Because rubber was first
cultivated in Mexico.

704
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:03,700
Not in Malaysia or Liberia any of
the other places where it's grown,
but in Mexico.

705
00:32:03,700 --> 00:32:05,700
And the people of that time...

706
00:32:05,700 --> 00:32:08,700
Well, I only know the Aztecs...

707
00:32:08,700 --> 00:32:11,700
Or the Mayans? Well, the Aztecs
gave them this name.
They were called the Olmec.

708
00:32:11,700 --> 00:32:15,700
Between 1200 and 400 BC,
so it was a long time ago.

709
00:32:15,700 --> 00:32:18,700
And then they tapped rubber,

710
00:32:18,700 --> 00:32:20,700
and made a ball out of it
which they played their ball game in,

711
00:32:20,700 --> 00:32:23,700
which they called in their language
"the ball game".

712
00:32:23,700 --> 00:32:24,700
LAUGHTER

713
00:32:24,700 --> 00:32:26,700
And they used one of those hoops,

714
00:32:26,700 --> 00:32:28,700
and versions of it are still
played to this day.

715
00:32:28,700 --> 00:32:30,700
So it's really remarkable.

716
00:32:30,700 --> 00:32:33,700
Because it was 3,000 years later

717
00:32:33,700 --> 00:32:37,700
that we in the West learned to do
this same thing to rubber,

718
00:32:37,700 --> 00:32:39,700
a process known as...

719
00:32:39,700 --> 00:32:41,700
Do you know what it's called?
Vulcanization?

720
00:32:41,700 --> 00:32:43,700
Vulcanization, exactly right.

721
00:32:43,700 --> 00:32:45,700
Invented by Spock and the Vulcans.

722
00:32:45,700 --> 00:32:47,700
LAUGHTER
Yeah, exactly!

723
00:32:47,700 --> 00:32:51,700
It was a man called Thomas Hancock
in Britain, and a better-known figure

724
00:32:51,700 --> 00:32:55,700
called Charles Goodyear in America -
Goodyear tyres still obviously used -

725
00:32:55,700 --> 00:32:57,700
in 1844.

726
00:32:57,700 --> 00:33:01,700
Yes, the Olmecs were making rubber
a good few years before Goodyear.

727
00:33:01,700 --> 00:33:04,700
But now it's time for the
earth-shattering round

728
00:33:04,700 --> 00:33:07,700
that we call General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, if you please.

729
00:33:07,700 --> 00:33:11,700
What's the easternmost state
of the USA?

730
00:33:11,700 --> 00:33:13,700
♪ ..Massachusetts... ♪

731
00:33:14,700 --> 00:33:16,700
Well... Now...

732
00:33:16,700 --> 00:33:17,700
LAUGHTER

733
00:33:17,700 --> 00:33:18,700
I'm going to say Alaska.

734
00:33:18,700 --> 00:33:21,700
Is the right answer! Well done.

735
00:33:21,700 --> 00:33:22,700
APPLAUSE

736
00:33:23,700 --> 00:33:25,700
Yeah...

737
00:33:25,700 --> 00:33:29,700
Maine sees the first sunrise
on the continental United States,

738
00:33:29,700 --> 00:33:31,700
but that's the line of longitude,

739
00:33:31,700 --> 00:33:33,700
and little bits of that

740
00:33:33,700 --> 00:33:35,700
that look like just Russia and things
are actually Alaska -

741
00:33:35,700 --> 00:33:38,700
you see those islands at the bottom
that curve round...

742
00:33:38,700 --> 00:33:40,700
It's got the weirdest shape,
Alaska. Yeah.

743
00:33:40,700 --> 00:33:42,700
The very south of it,
the Aleutian Islands,

744
00:33:42,700 --> 00:33:44,700
they cross the line of longitude,

745
00:33:44,700 --> 00:33:47,700
so the bits that go right up to
the line are the westernmost parts

746
00:33:47,700 --> 00:33:50,700
but the bits the other side
are the easternmost parts.

747
00:33:50,700 --> 00:33:53,700
So there are bits of it
that are south of Russia...

748
00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:55,700
Yes. Absolutely,
it's all very surprising.

749
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:59,700
Are they inhabited, any of those,
do we know? No, I don't think so.

750
00:33:59,700 --> 00:34:01,700
Most of them are uninhabited.

751
00:34:01,700 --> 00:34:03,700
Any old fishing villages
or something?

752
00:34:03,700 --> 00:34:06,700
Millions of sea birds.
But no, not many humans.

753
00:34:06,700 --> 00:34:08,700
Alaska's state motto
is North To The Future.

754
00:34:08,700 --> 00:34:11,700
Don't know what that means,
but there it is.

755
00:34:11,700 --> 00:34:15,700
They all have mottos, these states -

756
00:34:15,700 --> 00:34:18,700
my favourite one is Kentucky.

757
00:34:18,700 --> 00:34:20,700
Kentucky's known really
for two things...

758
00:34:20,700 --> 00:34:23,700
Fried chicken.
Well, yeah, apart from that.

759
00:34:23,700 --> 00:34:25,700
It's called the Bluegrass State,

760
00:34:25,700 --> 00:34:29,700
but it's bourbon
and the Kentucky Derby, the race.

761
00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:33,700
And somebody came up with a two-word
phrase for Kentucky,

762
00:34:33,700 --> 00:34:36,700
which encapsulates both those things
which I think is rather brilliant...

763
00:34:36,700 --> 00:34:38,700
Pissed Horses.

764
00:34:38,700 --> 00:34:40,700
LAUGHTER
That would do it...

765
00:34:40,700 --> 00:34:42,700
No, it's Unbridled Spirit.

766
00:34:42,700 --> 00:34:45,700
Oh...! Isn't that clever? Very good.

767
00:34:45,700 --> 00:34:47,700
That's genuinely clever.
No, that's great,

768
00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:50,700
that absolutely
shits on North To The Future.

769
00:34:50,700 --> 00:34:52,700
LAUGHTER

770
00:34:53,700 --> 00:34:54,700
It's got to be said!

771
00:34:54,700 --> 00:34:57,700
Cos if there's one place you do not
want to head north from

772
00:34:57,700 --> 00:35:00,700
it's Alaska - cos there's fuck all
of the world there.

773
00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:01,700
LAUGHTER

774
00:35:01,700 --> 00:35:03,700
You want to go SOUTH.

775
00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:05,700
South to the future. Yeah.

776
00:35:05,700 --> 00:35:07,700
North to the future, maybe,
you'd say, from Argentina.

777
00:35:07,700 --> 00:35:09,700
Yes!

778
00:35:09,700 --> 00:35:13,700
But Alaska - south. North,
in denial of the rest of humanity.

779
00:35:13,700 --> 00:35:14,700
LAUGHTER

780
00:35:14,700 --> 00:35:17,700
"Head into the snow and die."
"North to a massive tundra."

781
00:35:17,700 --> 00:35:19,700
Wishful thinking, exactly.

782
00:35:19,700 --> 00:35:22,700
Yes, East is East, West is West
and Alaska is both.

783
00:35:22,700 --> 00:35:25,700
In which country was Mozart born?

784
00:35:25,700 --> 00:35:26,700
Ooh. Mm.

785
00:35:26,700 --> 00:35:29,700
The countries were weird then, most
of the countries didn't exist yet.

786
00:35:29,700 --> 00:35:32,700
Places like you think it's always
been a country, like Germany

787
00:35:32,700 --> 00:35:35,700
and Italy, didn't exist then.
No, that's right.

788
00:35:35,700 --> 00:35:38,700
Was it the Mountains of Kong?
LAUGHTER

789
00:35:38,700 --> 00:35:40,700
Well, obviously... Was he born in
Salzburg?

790
00:35:40,700 --> 00:35:41,700
Yes! Well done. Good points.

791
00:35:41,700 --> 00:35:44,700
And was that like a republic?
It was indeed. It was a state.

792
00:35:44,700 --> 00:35:47,700
APPLAUSE
Yeah, it was a Serbian state.

793
00:35:49,700 --> 00:35:53,700
But Mozart HATED it and he moved,
as soon as he could, to Vienna.

794
00:35:53,700 --> 00:35:56,700
Called himself German,
although there was no such country.

795
00:35:56,700 --> 00:35:59,700
In fact, he died
way before there was such a country.

796
00:35:59,700 --> 00:36:03,700
He didn't make Paul McCartney's
mistake of, you know...

797
00:36:03,700 --> 00:36:05,700
outliving his cool.

798
00:36:05,700 --> 00:36:07,700
LAUGHTER
No.

799
00:36:07,700 --> 00:36:10,700
He didn't. Yep. Very, very true.

800
00:36:10,700 --> 00:36:12,700
APPLAUSE

801
00:36:14,700 --> 00:36:17,700
So, there you are.
Yes, Mozart was a Salzburger.

802
00:36:17,700 --> 00:36:19,700
Goethe, as it happens,
was a Frankfurter,

803
00:36:19,700 --> 00:36:22,700
Mendelssohn was a Hamburger,

804
00:36:22,700 --> 00:36:24,700
and the Brothers Grimm were Hessian.

805
00:36:24,700 --> 00:36:26,700
So they all came from different
lands.

806
00:36:26,700 --> 00:36:28,700
Who invented the aqueduct?

807
00:36:28,700 --> 00:36:30,700
SAMI: The...

808
00:36:30,700 --> 00:36:32,700
DAVID LAUGHS

809
00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:34,700
Go on, Sami! Romans.

810
00:36:34,700 --> 00:36:36,700
Oh!
KLAXON

811
00:36:36,700 --> 00:36:38,700
Damn!

812
00:36:38,700 --> 00:36:39,700
You fell into our little honeytrap.

813
00:36:39,700 --> 00:36:42,700
What have the Romans ever done
for us?
LAUGHTER

814
00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:44,700
They built that beautiful
one there

815
00:36:44,700 --> 00:36:47,700
which the Pont du Gard in the
Provencal region... So who got there
first?

816
00:36:47,700 --> 00:36:51,700
The Etruscans, or someone who
came before the Romans.

817
00:36:51,700 --> 00:36:54,700
Even further before actually,
you've got to go way back. Adam.

818
00:36:54,700 --> 00:36:56,700
LAUGHTER

819
00:36:56,700 --> 00:36:58,700
Too far back.

820
00:36:58,700 --> 00:37:01,700
That's a bit too far back.
DAVID: The Babylonians?

821
00:37:01,700 --> 00:37:05,700
Always a good bet. The first ones
that are known about to archaeology

822
00:37:05,700 --> 00:37:08,700
were quite simple little ones, little
runnels that allowed water...

823
00:37:08,700 --> 00:37:10,700
Assyrians?
..like that, not great big...

824
00:37:10,700 --> 00:37:14,700
No, we're actually in Greek-ish land,
the Minoan culture. Which is Crete.

825
00:37:14,700 --> 00:37:19,700
And they were about
the second millennium BC,
so it was a long time ago.

826
00:37:19,700 --> 00:37:23,700
And then also earlier was as you said
Babylonian -

827
00:37:23,700 --> 00:37:24,700
Sennacherib,

828
00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:28,700
who was a big emperor of the time,
celebrated in a Byron poem.

829
00:37:28,700 --> 00:37:29,700
Good hat.

830
00:37:29,700 --> 00:37:32,700
He built really impressive ones,
he was extremely rich and powerful.

831
00:37:32,700 --> 00:37:35,700
It was about 691 BC.

832
00:37:35,700 --> 00:37:37,700
Ten metres high, 30 metres wide,

833
00:37:37,700 --> 00:37:40,700
made of over two million stones,
his aqueduct. Was used to water
his gardens.

834
00:37:40,700 --> 00:37:42,700
(Shut up.) Which many think
were the

835
00:37:42,700 --> 00:37:45,700
sort of the origin of...
DAVID: The Hanging Gardens. Yes.

836
00:37:45,700 --> 00:37:47,700
Do you think that could
possibly be true?

837
00:37:47,700 --> 00:37:50,700
Well, there is quite
a lot of archaeology to support it,
it's not just description...

838
00:37:50,700 --> 00:37:54,700
Two million stones? It must've
taken 100 years to build.

839
00:37:54,700 --> 00:37:58,700
Well, 100 million slaves probably -
not that many obviously, but... Yeah.

840
00:37:58,700 --> 00:38:02,700
It was an 80 kilometre limestone
aqueduct, it's a long way.

841
00:38:02,700 --> 00:38:05,700
(80 kilometres?) Yeah.
Just for a garden.

842
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:07,700
Just... But gardens are important.

843
00:38:07,700 --> 00:38:10,700
Alan Titchmarsh has got a similar
one in HIS garden.
LAUGHTER

844
00:38:10,700 --> 00:38:14,700
HE MIMICS ALAN: "But it's made of
plastic guttering from B!"

845
00:38:14,700 --> 00:38:17,700
"Decking. Lovely, lovely decking."

846
00:38:17,700 --> 00:38:19,700
It has to be said that those
Minoan ones,

847
00:38:19,700 --> 00:38:22,700
the word "gutter" is more
appropriate than the word
"aqueduct".

848
00:38:22,700 --> 00:38:24,700
LAUGHTER

849
00:38:24,700 --> 00:38:25,700
I would not say I had an "aqueduct"

850
00:38:25,700 --> 00:38:28,700
round the edge of my house
to collect the rainwater.

851
00:38:28,700 --> 00:38:30,700
LAUGHTER

852
00:38:30,700 --> 00:38:33,700
"The aqueduct's leaking again!"

853
00:38:33,700 --> 00:38:35,700
"Get out there and
clear the aqueduct!"

854
00:38:35,700 --> 00:38:37,700
"Oooh...love."

855
00:38:39,700 --> 00:38:42,700
Now... Ooh, this is exciting! I've
got some glasses of water for you.

856
00:38:42,700 --> 00:38:43,700
Ooh! Yes, I know. Be very...

857
00:38:43,700 --> 00:38:45,700
HE STRAINS
..very excited.

858
00:38:45,700 --> 00:38:49,700
Oh, there we go.
Here are yours, Alan and David.

859
00:38:49,700 --> 00:38:51,700
Now, before... Don't try them.

860
00:38:51,700 --> 00:38:54,700
Don't, for God...whatever you do,
drink any yet!

861
00:38:54,700 --> 00:38:57,700
Until you know what you're doing.

862
00:38:57,700 --> 00:39:01,700
Ah, there we are. There's A, B and C.
Can you see that?

863
00:39:01,700 --> 00:39:03,700
Well, A has got something in it.
Yeah.

864
00:39:03,700 --> 00:39:05,700
There's some weird detritus in it.

865
00:39:05,700 --> 00:39:07,700
Yeah, that's either
some very poor washing up...

866
00:39:07,700 --> 00:39:09,700
LAUGHTER
..or that's... Dandruff.

867
00:39:09,700 --> 00:39:13,700
Well, I'll tell you what it is.
A is sea water. A is sea water. Oh.

868
00:39:13,700 --> 00:39:15,700
Oh, it'll kill you.
I'll tell you what B is.

869
00:39:15,700 --> 00:39:18,700
Fresh water, because there's
bubbles in it.

870
00:39:18,700 --> 00:39:19,700
It's, er, treated sewage.

871
00:39:19,700 --> 00:39:22,700
All right, then. Ooh.
LAUGHTER

872
00:39:22,700 --> 00:39:24,700
That's why it's got bubbles in it!

873
00:39:24,700 --> 00:39:27,700
Yeah, are you sure they're bubbles
then? And C is ultrapure water.

874
00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:29,700
Right. Can I have C?

875
00:39:29,700 --> 00:39:30,700
LAUGHTER

876
00:39:30,700 --> 00:39:32,700
Is that... That's your choice?

877
00:39:32,700 --> 00:39:33,700
Oh, no. Hey!

878
00:39:33,700 --> 00:39:37,700
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

879
00:39:38,700 --> 00:39:42,700
But, to be fair, we don't know
whether Sue meant C as in C

880
00:39:42,700 --> 00:39:44,700
or sea as in sea.
STEPHEN LAUGHS

881
00:39:44,700 --> 00:39:46,700
LAUGHTER
Ah, you little devil!

882
00:39:46,700 --> 00:39:48,700
LAUGHTER

883
00:39:48,700 --> 00:39:51,700
But, yes, the point was to trap you
into choosing ultrapure water.

884
00:39:51,700 --> 00:39:54,700
Ultrapure water is too pure. Oh.

885
00:39:54,700 --> 00:39:58,700
The kidneys have a real problem here,
because we rely on electrolytes

886
00:39:58,700 --> 00:40:04,700
to power, energize our brains and the
heart and other bits of ourselves.

887
00:40:04,700 --> 00:40:07,700
And if your blood is drained
of all the particles,

888
00:40:07,700 --> 00:40:11,700
because the pure water is taking them
away, through osmosis,

889
00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:14,700
then you will die if you have too
much ultrapure water.

890
00:40:14,700 --> 00:40:16,700
I'm going to revise now.

891
00:40:16,700 --> 00:40:19,700
Would that amount of pure water kill
you? No, no! That's fine, no.

892
00:40:19,700 --> 00:40:21,700
So what is the best out of those
three?

893
00:40:21,700 --> 00:40:23,700
Well, what about sea water, what...?

894
00:40:23,700 --> 00:40:25,700
Well, sea water's got
a lot of salt in it.

895
00:40:25,700 --> 00:40:26,700
Yeah, the kidneys try
and get the salt out,

896
00:40:26,700 --> 00:40:29,700
and, in order to get the salt out,
they have to use water.

897
00:40:29,700 --> 00:40:33,700
So you, actually, the effect of
drinking sea water is to dehydrate.

898
00:40:33,700 --> 00:40:35,700
Yeah. Right.
So we're left with treated sewage.

899
00:40:35,700 --> 00:40:38,700
Well, it's been treated, I suppose
that's... It has been treated, yeah.

900
00:40:38,700 --> 00:40:41,700
But someone told me that water that
you drink from a tap in London

901
00:40:41,700 --> 00:40:44,700
has been through nine people
before it reaches the glass.

902
00:40:44,700 --> 00:40:46,700
Is that true? Yeah, it's not yet...

903
00:40:46,700 --> 00:40:48,700
No, it's not yet true at all. This is
a sort of urban myth, that we all

904
00:40:48,700 --> 00:40:52,700
like to think we're drinking... It's
been through cows and sheep as well.

905
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:53,700
LAUGHTER

906
00:40:53,700 --> 00:40:56,700
They're talking about it...
I'd like to know which nine people

907
00:40:56,700 --> 00:40:58,700
they were, wouldn't you? That is
also very important to know. Yeah.

908
00:40:58,700 --> 00:41:01,700
In Windhoek, which is
the capital of Namibia... Namibia.

909
00:41:01,700 --> 00:41:05,700
Yeah, exactly. And there, they have a
slightly salty water... Points!

910
00:41:05,700 --> 00:41:07,700
..because 25% of it is treated
sewage,

911
00:41:07,700 --> 00:41:10,700
but only 25%.
But it's perfectly OK.

912
00:41:10,700 --> 00:41:13,700
There's no excuse not do what this
is, I believe,

913
00:41:13,700 --> 00:41:15,700
which is probably either
Orange Country or LA,

914
00:41:15,700 --> 00:41:19,700
which is that they use treated sewage
for golf courses

915
00:41:19,700 --> 00:41:21,700
and for irrigation and things like
that.

916
00:41:21,700 --> 00:41:24,700
Treated sewage is getting popular,
actually, around the world,

917
00:41:24,700 --> 00:41:26,700
so that seems a helpful thing.

918
00:41:26,700 --> 00:41:28,700
But you ought to try.
Why don't you try... No, thanks!

919
00:41:28,700 --> 00:41:30,700
LAUGHTER
No, I won't let you try the sewage,

920
00:41:30,700 --> 00:41:33,700
try the ultrapure. Cos it's not
going to kill you, one sip,

921
00:41:33,700 --> 00:41:35,700
just see if it is noticeably pure.
All right.

922
00:41:35,700 --> 00:41:36,700
Hm.

923
00:41:37,700 --> 00:41:39,700
ALAN BURPS

924
00:41:39,700 --> 00:41:41,700
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

925
00:41:41,700 --> 00:41:42,700
SUE: Oh, my kidneys!

926
00:41:42,700 --> 00:41:44,700
LAUGHTER

927
00:41:44,700 --> 00:41:46,700
It's good. I've messed up on this.
You can, yeah.

928
00:41:46,700 --> 00:41:50,700
I would say it does taste like
water, but a little bit more boring.

929
00:41:50,700 --> 00:41:53,700
LAUGHTER
It's brilliant.
Maybe I'm just imposing that on it.

930
00:41:53,700 --> 00:41:57,700
No, you might be... It's not got
that chlorine high note, has it?

931
00:41:57,700 --> 00:41:59,700
I don't expect a party in my mouth

932
00:41:59,700 --> 00:42:01,700
with water, but...
LAUGHTER

933
00:42:01,700 --> 00:42:05,700
..that was like a party in my mouth
but with a statistical provocateur.

934
00:42:05,700 --> 00:42:07,700
LAUGHTER

935
00:42:07,700 --> 00:42:08,700
Well, I've got treated
sewage in this -

936
00:42:08,700 --> 00:42:12,700
and I wouldn't ask you to
cos you might not want to
but I'm going to have a...

937
00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:14,700
Oh, Jeez.
LAUGHTER

938
00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:16,700
Does it pong?

939
00:42:18,700 --> 00:42:20,700
It's shitty but it's pissy as well.

940
00:42:20,700 --> 00:42:22,700
LAUGHTER

941
00:42:22,700 --> 00:42:24,700
Oh, you've put me right off.

942
00:42:26,700 --> 00:42:28,700
"That's lovely!"

943
00:42:28,700 --> 00:42:32,700
It's tap water. We couldn't get
any treated sewage - we asked for it,

944
00:42:32,700 --> 00:42:35,700
I said I was up for drinking it
but that's just tap water.

945
00:42:35,700 --> 00:42:38,700
So it's only been through...
nine people.
LAUGHTER

946
00:42:38,700 --> 00:42:43,700
So, drinking pure water can kill you.
You're much better off draining
a glass of processed sewage.

947
00:42:43,700 --> 00:42:45,700
Good health to you all.

948
00:42:45,700 --> 00:42:49,700
And all that's left now
are the scores.

949
00:42:49,700 --> 00:42:51,700
Oh, my gracious goodness...

950
00:42:51,700 --> 00:42:52,700
Crash! ..heavenly me.

951
00:42:52,700 --> 00:42:54,700
In last place, I'm afraid...

952
00:42:54,700 --> 00:42:56,700
but she probably knows it,

953
00:42:56,700 --> 00:42:59,700
by the fact that I've used
a feminine pronoun...

954
00:42:59,700 --> 00:43:00,700
LAUGHTER

955
00:43:00,700 --> 00:43:04,700
..it's Sue Perkins!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

956
00:43:05,700 --> 00:43:06,700
WHISTLING

957
00:43:09,700 --> 00:43:12,700
Fighting manfully into third place,

958
00:43:12,700 --> 00:43:13,700
Alan Davies!

959
00:43:13,700 --> 00:43:16,700
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thank you very much.

960
00:43:20,700 --> 00:43:23,700
In second place, a magnificent
debut from Sami Shah!

961
00:43:23,700 --> 00:43:25,700
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

962
00:43:29,700 --> 00:43:32,700
Which can only mean that our
clear winner, with minus four,

963
00:43:32,700 --> 00:43:35,700
is David Mitchell!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

964
00:43:35,700 --> 00:43:37,700
JINGLE PLAYS

965
00:43:42,700 --> 00:43:46,700
And that's all from Sami,
Sue, David, Alan and me.

966
00:43:46,700 --> 00:43:49,700
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

967
00:44:15,700 --> 00:44:17,700
He brought ground-breaking,
subversive shows

968
00:44:17,700 --> 00:44:18,700
to the stage and screen.

969
00:44:18,700 --> 00:44:21,700
He was the most brilliant
young producer.

970
00:44:21,700 --> 00:44:24,700
He was the only one that could
really keep up with me.