1 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:27,800 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,800 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,800 good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,800 where, tonight, we'll be taking in a magnificent miscellany 5 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:41,800 of things beginning with M. 6 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,800 Please welcome the mundivagant Rhod Gilbert. 7 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,800 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,800 The marmoraceous Noel Fielding. 9 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:54,800 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,800 A woman of great muliebrity, Cariad Lloyd. 11 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:02,800 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,800 And macerating in the corner, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,800 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,800 Their buzzers are... ALAN MUMBLES 15 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,800 What did you say? I haven't understood any of the words so far. 16 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,800 Well, macerating, what do you think that means? 17 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,800 I don't know. Something you would do in a garden, I'd have thought. 18 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,800 No, that's masturbating. Oh, yes. 19 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,800 You clearly have a much more private garden than I've got. 20 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:33,800 Macerating is steeping in liquid to thin out. 21 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,800 You do it to grapes to make wine, you macerate. 22 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,800 Oh! So what was mul... Multi... Muliebrity? Muliebrity. 23 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,800 It means womanliness, wifely womanliness. 24 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,800 CARIAD: Oh, nice(!) 25 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:46,800 Oh, like "mujer" in Spanish. 26 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,800 Exactly. Muller Yogurts. 27 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,800 Women eat those. 28 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,800 You are a linguist, aren't you? You studied languages, didn't you? 29 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:56,800 Yeah, I did study language. 30 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,800 It sounds like the word I gave you was rather appropriate, 31 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:02,800 if you speak languages, because it sounds as though you're mundivagant, 32 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,800 which is what I called you. One who wanders the world. 33 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,800 There you are, a world wanderer. HIGH-PITCHED: That's you! 34 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:08,800 Oh, that came out oddly. 35 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:13,800 And I think you were marmoraceous. Marmoraceous? Noel was marmoraceous. 36 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,800 Wow. Sounds good. Sounds like a delicious marmalade. 37 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,800 It's called that because a chicken one day laid an orange. An orange? 38 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,800 Yeah, and all the chicks said, "Look at the orange mama-laid." 39 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,800 And that's how it got its name. ALAN GROANS 40 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,800 That was just dreadful. QI will be replaced in the autumn. 41 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,800 Is it breasty? 42 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:41,800 No, marmoreal is of marble and marmoraceous is marble-like. 43 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:42,800 Right. Marble-like. 44 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,800 Marble isn't really a compliment, though, is it? 45 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,800 "Oh, I love that Noel Fielding, he's like marble." I'm like a... 46 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,800 I'm like a bag of marbles. "He's such a character! 47 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,800 "He's such a character, he is!" What are you, a world wanderer? 48 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,800 You're a womble and I was a marble. 49 00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,800 Not sure I'm happy with that. 50 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,800 Womanly is surely a compliment for anybody? 51 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,800 I'd be complimented with being called womanly. 52 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,800 In fact, I often am because of my breasts. 53 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,800 But on with the buzzers. 54 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,800 They're, frankly, a miscellany of musical mischief. 55 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:14,800 Cariad goes... 56 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,800 DRUMROLL 57 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,800 Noel goes... DRUMROLL 58 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,800 SWING BEAT 59 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,800 Rhod goes... DRUMROLL 60 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:32,800 MUSIC: God Save The Queen 61 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,800 And Alan goes... DRUMROLL 62 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,800 GUILLOTINE BLADE SWOOSHES 63 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,800 CHEERING 64 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,800 Now, then, what was the matter 65 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:48,800 with the Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy children's chemistry set? 66 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,800 LAUGHTER 67 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,800 Did it have uranium in it or something? 68 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,800 LAUGHTER It sure did. 69 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,800 LAUGHTER 70 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,800 That's what... Kids glowing green. 71 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,800 That's what U-238 is. Yeah, absolutely. 72 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:03,800 It contained uranium 73 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,800 and other sources of alpha, beta and gamma radiation, 74 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,800 including good, healthy polonium... 75 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,800 LAUGHTER ..which was in there. 76 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,800 Yeah. And it included a Geiger counter 77 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,800 and instructions on how to mine for uranium and... 78 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,800 LAUGHTER Wow. 79 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,800 This is the start of the Iranian weapons programme. 80 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,800 LAUGHTER Yes, exactly. "We have the kit." 81 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,800 The packaging said it was completely safe and harmless. 82 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:33,800 It was sold in 1951, 1952, for $49.50, 83 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,800 which is about ?300 now. Whoa. 84 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:37,800 So, it was pricey. It was. 85 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,800 If you wanted your polonium even then, it'd cost you. 86 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,800 And that's why they stopped making it. 87 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:42,800 Cos it was too expensive? 88 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,800 Yeah, the margins were not good enough 89 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,800 for them to make much of a profit on it. 90 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,800 As you see, it says along the top, 91 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,800 "Another Gilbert Hall of Science product" and the... 92 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,800 It also says exciting and safe. That's right. Absolutely. 93 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,800 I'm not sure those two things go together. 94 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,800 LAUGHTER They don't, do they? 95 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:01,800 My friend in science dared me to eat some iron filings and I did it. 96 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,800 I got in a lot of trouble... 97 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,800 Cos my teacher was a magnet. No, but... 98 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,800 I had to go... Could you then draw a beard? 99 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,800 Could you, like, move it around? 100 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,800 I had to go and see the head science teacher and stand in front 101 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,800 of the whole class and explain I'd eaten iron filings. 102 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:22,800 And for about two years, I was the boy that ate iron filings. 103 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,800 That's a Channel 4 documentary, isn't it? 104 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:25,800 That's fantastic. 105 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,800 Was it uncomfortable when it came out? 106 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,800 Well, we had to drink a weird solution 107 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,800 and then I didn't notice when it came out. 108 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,800 Oh, did it dissolve them like acid or something? 109 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:38,800 I was hoping that I would, you know, maybe have some sort of, 110 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,800 you know, strontium turd come out. 111 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,800 Well, the guy responsible was called Alfred Carlton Gilbert 112 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,800 and he came up with a number of sets for children. 113 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,800 I mean, there was a chemistry set which contained ammonium nitrate, 114 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,800 which is the principle ingredient for fertiliser bombs. 115 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,800 LAUGHTER He liked the good stuff, didn't he? 116 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,800 Yeah, he liked, exactly, the good stuff. 117 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,800 Agent Orange. LAUGHTER 118 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,800 The first experiment in that kit 119 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,800 was to make gunpowder. LAUGHTER 120 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,800 He just didn't like children, did he? 121 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,800 LAUGHTER His most famous invention 122 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,800 is huge in America. 123 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,800 It's the American equivalent of Meccano, 124 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,800 which is called Erector. Erector set. And there it is. 125 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,800 LAUGHTER 126 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,800 Are there giggles from our audience because it contains the word erect? 127 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,800 LAUGHTER Well, there you are. 128 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,800 They're still all smiling now. "Ooh, love that word." 129 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,800 I just love the idea 130 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,800 that you can make a Ferris wheel out of erections. 131 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,800 LAUGHTER 132 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,800 It interconnects with any penis. LAUGHTER 133 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,800 Simple docking. 134 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,800 GROANING Oh. 135 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,800 LAUGHTER 136 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,800 Sorry, Stephen. I was doing the Ferris wheel 137 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,800 as if it were attached to my cock. 138 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,800 I'm so sorry. Fair enough. LAUGHTER 139 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,800 I'm lowering the tone again. I accept that. 140 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,800 But it was all part of that time - 1950s - 141 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,800 this incredible worship of the nuclear bomb. 142 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,800 And it even got to the stage where you could get a cereal toy, 143 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:15,800 which was an atomic bomb ring, celebrating The Lone Ranger series. 144 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,800 There it is. There's the atomic bomb inside a ring 145 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,800 and it contains polonium alpha, 146 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,800 so it gives off brilliant flashes of light 147 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,800 as part of nuclear disintegration, 148 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,800 so that your little boy and your little girl 149 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,800 each have one from the cereal packet and they flash. 150 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,800 But it's weird that this was for The Lone Ranger, 151 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,800 which you may remember was a Western set in the 19th century. 152 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:36,800 Yeah, it's a cowboy. Yeah. 153 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,800 But somehow, he had the atom bomb in what's a very complicated story. 154 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,800 LAUGHTER He had an atomic bomb in his ring? 155 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,800 Yeah. LAUGHTER 156 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,800 Wait. Wait. 157 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,800 That's one of my favourite ever sentences on this show. 158 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,800 LAUGHTER And that's when he was running 159 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:56,800 the Erector amusement park. 160 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,800 "I've got an A-bomb in my ring." LAUGHTER 161 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,800 You sounded like Jeremy Clarkson then. 162 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,800 LAUGHTER 163 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,800 Jeremy would love an A-bomb in his ring. 164 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,800 A cowboy with an A-bomb in his ring. 165 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,800 So, he's got an A-bomb in his ring and then decades later, 166 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,800 James Bond comes along and all his watch does 167 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,800 is fire a dart into a mouse or something, isn't it? 168 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,800 It gives you a dead leg. I've basically got 169 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,800 The Lone Ranger's costume on tonight. You have! 170 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,800 LAUGHTER Have you got an A-bomb in your ring? 171 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:26,800 I have, yeah. 172 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,800 At the end of the show, I'll let that off... 173 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:29,800 But this is rather... 174 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,800 ..like a small firework display. 175 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,800 We'll all gather round to see the lights. 176 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,800 This is not like, "Oh, we found this obscure present 177 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,800 "in some cereal packs for a four-month period." 178 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,800 Over a million of these were made. Really? God. 179 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:43,800 It was a big promotion. 180 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,800 There was a boy as late as the '90s - '94 - 181 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,800 who tried to construct a nuclear reactor 182 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,800 in his mother's shed in his garden in Michigan. 183 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,800 He was the Nuclear Boy Scout. 184 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,800 There are his badges, including, top left, 185 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,800 he's holding up the nuclear badge. 186 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,800 I didn't know Scouts had one, but they seem to. Wow. 187 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,800 He can't even fix a blind. 188 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,800 LAUGHTER 189 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,800 They called him the Radioactive Boy Scout 190 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,800 and when I said he was trying to construct a nuclear reactor, 191 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:14,800 I mean it. He was trying to construct a nuclear reactor. 192 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,800 His safety included wearing a lead poncho. 193 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,800 Where do you find a lead poncho? 194 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,800 LAUGHTER Noel's got one. Noel's got one. 195 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,800 Yes, you have one. Yes! You must have a lead poncho. 196 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,800 You're the only person who would have a lead poncho. 197 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,800 I keep it next to my strontium turd. 198 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,800 LAUGHTER He's not going to make a nuclear... 199 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,800 He's got an arrow to show which way up his top goes on. 200 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,800 LAUGHTER There is that. 201 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:41,800 And he threw away his clothes after each session 202 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:42,800 that he was in his mother's shed. 203 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:45,800 He was in the middle of purifying thorium 204 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,800 when he was rumbled by the authorities. Wow. 205 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,800 And his shed was found to be 1,000 times more radioactive 206 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,800 than background radiation and was buried in the desert. 207 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,800 LAUGHTER It was! 208 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,800 How did they take his shed to the desert? 209 00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,800 That's amazing. Must have been a chopper. Yeah. 210 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,800 "We're going to have to take the birdbath as well. This is..." 211 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,800 LAUGHTER 212 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,800 "This washing line - that's right out, mate." 213 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,800 "And the trellis. The trellis has got to go." 214 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,800 "Dad's barbecue - gone, mate. Gone." LAUGHTER 215 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,800 So, if you want to really light up your children's faces, 216 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,800 you could get them a radioactive chemistry lab. 217 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,800 Which place, beginning with M, holds the world's deadest parties? 218 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,800 Milton Keynes. 219 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,800 LAUGHTER Milton Keynes? Oh, dear. 220 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:29,800 Michael Gove's underpants. LAUGHTER 221 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,800 Maidstone. KLAXON 222 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,800 Oh! How amazing. 223 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,800 You got Maidstone. Thank you for that. 224 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,800 Well, no, it's an island - one of the largest islands on Earth. 225 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,800 Oh, erm... Madagascar. Madagascar. Madagascar. 226 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,800 The Malagasy people. The Malgache people. 227 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,800 Yeah, every few years, they dig up their ancestors 228 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,800 and have a party and dance with them over their heads. 229 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,800 LAUGHTER Yeah, I know. 230 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,800 Not as weird as a radioactive chemistry kit. No, it isn't. 231 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,800 They dig them up. 232 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,800 They dress them in silk... "Hello, Grandad!" 233 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,800 Dress them in silk scarves. Yeah. 234 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,800 It's what we do in Camden. LAUGHTER 235 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,800 They also spray their ancestors' bodies with perfume, 236 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,800 perhaps understandably... LAUGHTER 237 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,800 ..and they bathe them in sparkling wine. 238 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,800 After the dance, the corpses are placed on the ground like that. 239 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,800 See, there are the corpses in winding sheets and so on. 240 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,800 Oh, too weird. Too weird. Yeah. And the elders tell their children 241 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,800 about the significance of their relatives. 242 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,800 But they also tell the dead ancestors 243 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,800 about the children that have been born since the ancestors died. 244 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,800 So, they have a sort of two-way communication, as it were, 245 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,800 about their families. 246 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:33,800 They should have booked a bigger hall. 247 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,800 Yeah. Well, yes, it's full and bouncy. 248 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,800 It's amazing. That's amazing. 249 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,800 We don't talk about death enough, just to bring up in a comedy show. 250 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,800 I am NOT getting my grandma out... 251 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,800 LAUGHTER ..in a potato sack. 252 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,800 RHOD: I know what you mean. 253 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,800 We hide away from it here. I'm with you, Cariad. 254 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,800 We don't talk about it at all. Other cultures are much more open. 255 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,800 I don't. I'm a Goth. I'm all over it. 256 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,800 LAUGHTER I sleep in a coffin. 257 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,800 No, you're right, we do. 258 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,800 We don't like to talk about it, but they celebrate it. 259 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:03,800 They do. It's rather wonderful. 260 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,800 Do they drink at the party? You must have to. I think so. 261 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,800 Do they sometimes get home and think, "Oh, shit, 262 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:10,800 "I've left Grandma somewhere"? 263 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,800 LAUGHTER On the bus! 264 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,800 LAUGHTER 265 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,800 Supposedly, they do it because they've had a dream 266 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,800 in which an ancestor's visited them 267 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,800 and told them they're cold in their grave 268 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,800 and that they want to come up. 269 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,800 This ceremony, it's called a Famadihana, 270 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:32,800 and the whole taboo and folklore system of Madagascar is called fady 271 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:33,800 and it's very strong. 272 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,800 It's much stronger than it is in many other countries 273 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,800 and despite all the pressures on Madagascar, 274 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,800 as they are on all countries. It seems a bit grim, 275 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,800 but I think it's fine. Quite nice, I think. I like it. 276 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,800 Two things they're known for - that and square guitars. 277 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,800 LAUGHTER Yes. Yeah, it does. 278 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:48,800 Well, there you are. 279 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,800 Now, from morbidity to meals. 280 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,800 How could you get out of prison using nothing but a decent lunch? 281 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,800 Visit the... You know, you get a last meal, don't you, 282 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,800 if you're going to get the electric chair? Yeah. 283 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,800 Is it, they do a competition, if you name the right meal, you get... 284 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,800 If it's vegetarian lasagne, you're free. 285 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,800 No. 286 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,800 If someone said lasagne and they were like, 287 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,800 "Are you sure you want BEEF lasagne? Not vegetarian?" 288 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,800 The prisoner doesn't have the lunch. Oh, the governor has a good lunch. 289 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,800 It's not the governor. 290 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,800 And he just feels like, "Oh, let them all go, I feel great!" 291 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,800 It's not someone inside the prison, 292 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,800 it's someone who might have the power to get you out of prison. 293 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,800 A magistrate type... Yeah, the parole board. Mao Tse-tung! 294 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,800 It's the parole board. Oh. Not Mao Tse-tung! That was a wild guess. 295 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,800 Wouldn't that have been amazing if you'd been right? 296 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,800 That's some judges. But this is actually... 297 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,800 The experiment was done... They're so pleased with themselves. 298 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,800 "Your hair looks ridiculous." "I know!" 299 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,800 Same hairdresser. 300 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,800 They're actually meeting up to say, "Listen, Bill's a good hairdresser, 301 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,800 "but he can only really do the spaniel way, we've got to get someone else." 302 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,800 It was a study that was done on the Israeli parole board, actually. 303 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,800 At the start of each day, 304 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,800 judges granted about two thirds of applications for parole. 305 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,800 As time went on, they approved fewer and fewer and fewer, 306 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,800 until just before lunch, they approved virtually none. 307 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,800 Then they had lunch and then they were incredibly generous again 308 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,800 and gave everybody parole. Wow! 309 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,800 So the process was in fact completely impartial, it was nothing to do 310 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,800 with the ethnicity or even the severity of the crime. 311 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,800 It just seemed to be generally repeated day after day after day, 312 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,800 it was to do with how hungry they were, yeah. 313 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:34,800 CARIAD: I can understand that. 314 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,800 So if you're in court, what should you do, then? What's the best... 315 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:41,800 You would do all in your power for your case to be heard after lunch, 316 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:42,800 straight after. After lunch. 317 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,800 So if I say I can't make it in the morning, for example... Yeah. 318 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,800 But if you're in prison... I'd have thought it'd be the opposite. 319 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,800 When you're coming to lunch, you're just getting hungry, 320 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,800 "Let them off, let them off, quick, let's just get the lunch." 321 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,800 But you're grumpy, aren't you? So you're more like, "Oh, no." 322 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,800 "Execution, execution, execution! 323 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,800 "When are those fish fingers getting here? Execution!" 324 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,800 Maybe they should just have snacks... 325 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:07,800 you know, little bowls of nuts. Just keep them going. 326 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:08,800 Yeah, that would do it. Some pretzels. 327 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,800 Probably not a good sign if you're in the dock 328 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,800 and then someone's looking at the menu. 329 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:14,800 "Yeah, what is it? 330 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:18,800 "I'll have the banoffee. Yeah, yeah, get rid of this guy." 331 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,800 Just take a Kit Kat with you and say, "Before you sentence me, 332 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:22,800 "would you like a Kit Kat?" 333 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:25,800 "You can go!" 334 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,800 Well, one of the really annoying... "I feel marvellous!" 335 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,800 It's annoying for someone like me, not for any of you, 336 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:37,800 is that willpower, it seems, is driven by glucose, 337 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,800 that your willpower is stronger 338 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,800 if your blood sugar is registering good levels of glucose. 339 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,800 So if, like me, you're fighting constantly not to be a fat bastard... 340 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,800 ..then you need the willpower not to eat. 341 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,800 But you get the willpower by eating lots of sugar. Oh, my God. 342 00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,800 So you're in a terrible catch-22. It's like, "Oh, I can't, oh, no. 343 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,800 "Tell you what, I'll have lots of sugar, then I'll be able 344 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,800 "to not eat... Oh! That doesn't work." 345 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:09,800 It is easier to not eat a cake after you've eaten a cake. 346 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,800 "I'm not eating any more cakes! That's it for me!" 347 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,800 Oh, dear. I'm like that with drinking. 348 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,800 "This is definitely my last time." 349 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,800 The trouble is, plates are too big. 350 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:30,800 If plates were smaller, people would eat less. 351 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,800 And when you fill them up, you're too full. 352 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:33,800 So you should just have smaller plates. 353 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,800 But then you should make everything smaller. We should try that. 354 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,800 The Alan Davies small plate diet. Smaller plates. 355 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,800 Small plates, but keep them in the distance. 356 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,800 Long spoons and binoculars! 357 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,800 Takes so long, you get bored. 358 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,800 I'm just going to eat one of those tiny Brussels sprouts. 359 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,800 All right, so. 360 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,800 Now for a serious medical malady. 361 00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,800 Show me the symptoms of bicycle face. 362 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,800 Bicycle face? Mm-hm. LAUGHTER 363 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,800 That's with goggles. No, these are wheels. Oh, they're... 364 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,800 Oh, I see. Sorry. Of course they're wheels! 365 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,800 Is bicycle...? What is bicycle face? 366 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,800 When you get sucked off by your Grifter? 367 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,800 LAUGHTER Wow! 368 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:19,800 LAUGHTER Sorry. I'd better go. 369 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,800 No, that's the right answer! 370 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,800 That's what I've got written on the card. 371 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,800 LAUGHTER That's amazing! 372 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,800 On my card in THIS universe, on the other hand... 373 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,800 LAUGHTER ..I've got something else. 374 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,800 The Literary Digest, in 1895, warned women cyclists... 375 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,800 I don't know why I'm looking at you. I'm a woman. You are. That's OK. 376 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:39,800 You've identified me as a woman. 377 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,800 It's going to get worse, I'm afraid. OK. This thing is. 378 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,800 "Overexertion, the upright position on the wheel 379 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,800 "and the unconscious effort to maintain one's balance 380 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,800 "produces a wearied and exhausted bicycle face. 381 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,800 "The main symptoms..." No-one will marry you! Yes. 382 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,800 "The main symptoms are a hard, clenched jaw and bulging eyes..." 383 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:00,800 I wasn't sure where you were going to stop at. Yeah, quite. 384 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,800 "..as well as being flushed or pale." 385 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:03,800 Either of those. I... Yeah. 386 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,800 And, "Wearing a haggard, anxious expression." 387 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,800 That's just the fear of patriarchy. LAUGHTER 388 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,800 "I'm under so much pressure." Well, there was a worry. 389 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:12,800 Some doctors said that, 390 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,800 "Cycling would irritate the pelvic organs 391 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,800 "and stimulate women to disturbing lusts." 392 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,800 LAUGHTER If you can't get it at home, 393 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,800 you get it on a bike, right, ladies? Yeah. 394 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,800 Get your stimulated pelvic organs. 395 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,800 Well, there's a downside, according to a French expert... 396 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,800 Of course. ..who said, "It would ruin the female organs 397 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,800 "of matrimonial necessity." 398 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,800 LAUGHTER 399 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,800 Now, Cariad, tell me, your organs of matrimonial necessity... 400 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,800 Excuse me? What are you asking me? 401 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,800 I'm just hoping that they haven't been ruined by bicycling. 402 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,800 "Hello, Wembley! We're the Female Organs Of Natural Necessity." 403 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,800 It's funny cos the clitoris... HE INHALES SHARPLY 404 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,800 LAUGHTER 405 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,800 La-la-la, la-la-la. Shall we draw a picture? 406 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,800 LAUGHTER She said it! She said it! 407 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,800 She said it! SHE IMITATES ALARM 408 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,800 I've drawn a rainbow, everyone. 409 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,800 It's all right. LAUGHTER 410 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,800 Where's Sue Perkins when you need her? 411 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,800 The clitoris is actually a very large organ... 412 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,800 Shush, Cariad! LAUGHTER 413 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,800 And it's just literally the tip of an iceberg. 414 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,800 When you say, "LITERALLY the tip of an iceberg..."? 415 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,800 Yeah. I knew I was looking for it in the wrong place. 416 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,800 LAUGHTER 417 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,800 There was an artist in New York... In the Arctic Ocean. 418 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:23,800 Yeah. An artist in New York. 419 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,800 She made, like, this - obviously not to scale - clitoris 420 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,800 and she got women to ride on it, but it literally...it's huge. 421 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,800 It's, like, there's this bit 422 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,800 and then there's these two other huge bits that are in the body. 423 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:35,800 I was looking behind you. Yeah. 424 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,800 LAUGHTER Behind just here. 425 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,800 Wow. It's giant. It's way bigger... But you have two, don't you? 426 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:42,800 It's one under each arm, yes? 427 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,800 LAUGHTER Have I got this wrong? 428 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,800 Alan, help me out. It's OK. 429 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,800 I didn't bring mine with me today. LAUGHTER 430 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,800 So, to say it damages the vital organs is... 431 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,800 So, how much more of it is there, then? Going...? 432 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,800 Oh, my God. Guys, do we have to, like...? 433 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,800 Is this the bit where I tell you about...explain it to you? 434 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,800 A woman at some point in your life 435 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,800 should have explained this to you, but perhaps... 436 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,800 I've never seen such fear in all your faces. 437 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,800 LAUGHTER 438 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,800 Do you think people will believe it if I say that my penis 439 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,800 is only the tip of the iceberg? LAUGHTER 440 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,800 There's a lot more under the surface 441 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,800 you haven't seen. LAUGHTER 442 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:17,800 There's a huge nerve ending 443 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,800 coming out right out of the top of my head. 444 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:20,800 LAUGHTER 445 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,800 Well, whatever it may or may not do to the organs of female 446 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:28,800 matrimonial necessity, bicycling did cause a lot of men to get 447 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,800 rather angry and concerned about the fact that women were doing it. 448 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:32,800 Do you know for what reason? 449 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,800 Cos they were afraid. They were allowed to move. Exactly. 450 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,800 If they move, what else are they going to do? Vote? Think? 451 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:44,800 Be allowed on panel shows? No, we've got to stop it! That's dangerous. 452 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,800 There's a man coming home early from work 453 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,800 and the wife's in bed with a bicycle. 454 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,800 She's got five gears! 455 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,800 Well, early bikes were designed, some of them, for women to ride... 456 00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,800 Side saddle. 457 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,800 Yes, because the idea of women being astride was considered rude. 458 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,800 Also, the amount of skirts they had must have made it quite 459 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,800 hard to literally get on a bike. How the heck do you pedal side saddle? 460 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,800 The pedals were all at one side, were they? Yeah, I guess. 461 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,800 She's got a woman underneath that skirt pedalling for her. 462 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,800 Some poor cockney woman going, "I'll do it, I'll do it. 463 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,800 "It's an 'ard job, ma'am, but it's worth it." 464 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,800 Anyway, bicycle face was a medical condition 465 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,800 that would apparently only affect lady cyclists. 466 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,800 Now for a bit of mid-show magic. 467 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,800 Would you like to learn the mysteries of the Magnus effect? 468 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,800 Yes, is the answer, yes, you would. Thank you. Yes, I would. 469 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:42,800 What is the Magnus effect? Well, it's about spin. 470 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,800 It's about how spin... This could work very badly. 471 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,800 I'm not good at this. Oh, there we are. 472 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,800 Watch out for your organs of matrimonial necessity. 473 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,800 LAUGHTER 474 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,800 Like that? Yeah, that's it. No, that's not it. 475 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,800 That'll go into my face. That's going to hit you, yeah. 476 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,800 Like that? Yeah. 477 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:08,800 OK, so, the idea is that this should spin and then... 478 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,800 Whoo! 479 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,800 APPLAUSE 480 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,800 Why don't you have a try? 481 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,800 Behind you I'll show you an effect of it on a football, 482 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,800 which you may be familiar with - taking a corner like this. 483 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,800 You'll see the classic bend, which we're all familiar with now. 484 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,800 David Beckham, of course, a master of it. And it's the same principle. 485 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,800 We couldn't afford to have a moving image of him. 486 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,800 Yeah, it's all about the pressure of the air building up 487 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,800 on the opposite sides of the spin and pushing the ball. 488 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:42,800 Cariad's ready. OK. 489 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:50,800 Oh, well guessed, though! Fine. It was more of a propel. Yep. 490 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,800 APPLAUSE 491 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,800 Rhod? I can... Come on, Rhod. Oh, that was good. 492 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,800 APPLAUSE 493 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,800 Alan's got a bicycle-faced look. 494 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,800 LAUGHTER 495 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,800 Yeah, that was not bad. 496 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,800 APPLAUSE 497 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,800 Noel, go on, show them how it's done. 498 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,800 Oh, yes! That's the effect. 499 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,800 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 500 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,800 That's the effect there, Noel, what you did there. 501 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,800 You see, it went up like that. It was the pressure, 502 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,800 because the spin creates that and the air pushes it up. 503 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,800 That's how I'm getting home tonight. Yeah? 504 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,800 So, I'll show you another version of it 505 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,800 using those two cups stuck together. 506 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,800 Excellent. You see, it jumps up like that and then goes down. 507 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,800 Noel's was pretty good. There you are. Well done. 508 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,800 Now, how would this bird make an offer you couldn't refuse? 509 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,800 LAUGHTER 510 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,800 Oh, yeah, that bird. He does your tax returns. 511 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,800 LAUGHTER 512 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,800 It's called a brown-headed cowbird, rather unimaginatively. 513 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,800 It's got a brown head and it's on a cow. 514 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,800 I just don't want to know how it got the brown head. 515 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,800 I don't want to think about how it got the brown head. 516 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,800 Oh, stop it! LAUGHTER 517 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,800 "That's as far as I can go!" "All right, stop there." 518 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,800 "Now flap. Now flap your wings!" "I can't!" 519 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,800 LAUGHTER 520 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,800 You haven't seen the cow's legs. They're blue. 521 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,800 And we have to forget the cow in this instance, 522 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,800 other than the fact that it's in its name. 523 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,800 It is a parasitic bird, in a sense. A brood parasite. 524 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,800 Do you know what a brood parasite might be? 525 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,800 What's a brood? A family of parasites. 526 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,800 If you're broody. You want to have more parasites. 527 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,800 You want to have... LAUGHTER 528 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:37,800 The type of parasite it is is a brood parasite. 529 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,800 That's to say it's parasitic in the way 530 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,800 that it occupies a host's birthing place. Womb. 531 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,800 Not womb in this case cos they don't have wombs, do they, birds? 532 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,800 Oh, I thought it was in the cow. Oh, no, no. It's the bird. 533 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,800 It's the bird that's the parasite. Oh, OK. It's a brood parasite. 534 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,800 It lays its eggs in someone else's nest. 535 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:54,800 I'd love if it was the cow that was the parasite! 536 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,800 LAUGHTER Living off the bird. 537 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:00,800 That would be such a flaw for a parasite - 538 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:01,800 to have to wait for the bird to land on you. 539 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,800 LAUGHTER 540 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,800 Running around getting underneath birds. 541 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,800 LAUGHTER 542 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,800 Painting an H on your own back. 543 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:15,800 Well, that's... Put a nest on your back. 544 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,800 With a vacant sign. 545 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:19,800 LAUGHTER 546 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:21,800 Yeah, it's a brood parasite, it lays its egg like that. 547 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,800 As does, more famously, our...? Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo, yes. 548 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,800 Cuckoo's the Great British brood parasite. 549 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,800 That nest wasn't on the back of that cow, was it? 550 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,800 No. I did say, "Forget the cow," 551 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,800 but I knew that wasn't going to be a helpful remark. 552 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,800 I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen. Yeah, well... 553 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,800 It's a question of why the birds put up with it. 554 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,800 Why does the one that lays the blue eggs in this instance 555 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:40,800 allow that to happen? 556 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,800 Why doesn't it just get rid of the egg? 557 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,800 Is it...? The answer is it does...once. 558 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,800 If it tries it, a bird that's laid that egg will come back 559 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:52,800 and absolutely destroy the nest and everything in it. 560 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:57,800 And the mother bird learns this and next time it builds... 561 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,800 laboriously builds a new nest, laboriously lays her own eggs... 562 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,800 Next time a brown-headed cowbird comes along to lay their egg 563 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,800 they go, "Yeah, you can have it, I'll look after it, it's no problem." 564 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,800 It's basically a protection racket. They're gangster birds. Oh, my God. 565 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,800 Hence the phrase, "Make you an offer you can't refuse." Ohh. 566 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,800 But it works. 567 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,800 So which one...was it the one with the blue eggs or the other one? 568 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,800 The blue eggs is like the nice guy who runs the Italian delicatessen 569 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,800 for his family all these years. Exactly, that's it. 570 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,800 And then the other egg is the guy who comes round going, 571 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,800 "You're going to look after my egg, otherwise I'll come round..." 572 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,800 Or, "You'll find a job for my boy, you'll find him a job." Yeah. 573 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,800 "You see this egg? You know what I'm going to do to this egg 574 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,800 "if you don't look after the other egg?" 575 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,800 And then he sma...and then he throws it out. 576 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,800 Eventually, cos it's evolution, they'll start spraying 577 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,800 their own blue egg that brown colour. Yes. 578 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,800 "Hey, someone's already done me. Leave it." 579 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,800 You're right, that's quite likely, isn't it? 580 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,800 Why haven't they evolved just to lay enough eggs so there's no gap? 581 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,800 LAUGHTER Oh, yeah. 582 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,800 That's what I'd do. 583 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:01,800 Good point. You'd think they would, wouldn't you? 584 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,800 Stop leaving a gap! 585 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,800 Anyway, that's brown-headed cowbirds. 586 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:10,800 Now, what starts with M and nearly destroyed the world 587 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,800 470 million years ago? 588 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,800 Magneto. 589 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,800 You try... I can feel us being led by this image... 590 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:22,800 Yes. ..in a direction. 591 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,800 You're right, I'm going to warn you, I'm in a good mood, 592 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:26,800 do not say meteor or meteorite, or meteoroid. 593 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,800 Don't say either of those. It looks like the logo for MasterChef. 594 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:33,800 Which is branding a pterodactyl. But... 595 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,800 A m-earthquake. A m-earthquake. 596 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,800 That's what we hope happens here every week. 597 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,800 Is it mitochondria? Is it something like bacterial... 598 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,800 Well, it's a life form, you're absolutely right. 599 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,800 It's a life form that destroyed all other life forms, 600 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:49,800 virtually, on Earth. 601 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,800 It was the Ordovician-Silurian extinction event. 602 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,800 But it begins with M, this particular life form. Mouse. 603 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,800 It got rid of all the oxygen... Sorry? Mouse. 604 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,800 It wasn't a mouse. You've got the right consonants. 605 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,800 Consonants. All right. M...m...m... 606 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:06,800 ..m... Muh and a suh. 607 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,800 Muh and a suh. It's wonderful how he's coming on, isn't it? 608 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:11,800 LAUGHTER 609 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:18,800 It's moss. Moss! Moss! Yes, moss is the answer. 610 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:20,800 How boring. Wow. Yeah, hard to believe. Moss. 611 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,800 It was like a phage, it ate away at rocks... 612 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,800 Right. ..even altering them chemically. 613 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:26,800 Hey, Cariad, there's an iceberg like your clitoris. 614 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:28,800 LAUGHTER You're learning! 615 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,800 I mean this, Alan, you can get more... 616 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:32,800 If you've just joined the show... 617 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,800 I can usually predict almost everything 618 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:36,800 that's going to be said on this show, 619 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,800 but "There's an iceberg like your clitoris" is a new one for me. 620 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,800 That's exactly what I was talking about. 621 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:44,800 Don't just work with what you see. 622 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:46,800 You've got to work with more underneath it. 623 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:47,800 Not moss on it, is there? Yes, mate. 624 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:49,800 Keep the moss on, what's wrong with you? 625 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,800 You don't want to look like a child. 626 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:53,800 LAUGHTER 627 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,800 Wear your moss and be proud, ladies. 628 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,800 Interestingly, you only get moss on the north side of a lady. 629 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:02,800 LAUGHTER 630 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,800 That seems fair. Oh, Lord. 631 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:07,800 It depends how long she's been at the bus stop. 632 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:11,800 There's types of moss that destroy other types of moss, 633 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:14,800 but it takes, like, sort of, you know, hundreds of years. 634 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:15,800 Yeah. But if you were to watch it, 635 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,800 you would see what is essentially a horrible war... 636 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,800 There's moss that destroys itself, like Kate Moss. 637 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,800 LAUGHTER But... 638 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:25,800 Now... 639 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:26,800 Yeah. 640 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,800 Well, this moss used to eat the rocks and it would create 641 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,800 a chemical reaction with phosphorus, reacted with CO2, 642 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:34,800 sucked it from the atmosphere. 643 00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:37,800 So it was a whole series of these reactions. 644 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:39,800 And that used up almost all the oxygen, 645 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:41,800 destroying life forms everywhere. 646 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,800 It took about 35 million years for this process to work 647 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,800 and it was 470 million years ago. 648 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:50,800 We should keep an eye on moss now, in case it ever... We should, yeah. 649 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,800 ..gets an idea again to take over. 650 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:54,800 I've always had my suspicions about moss. 651 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:55,800 Have you? 652 00:29:57,800 --> 00:29:59,800 Bitchin' about lichen. 653 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:02,800 LAUGHTER 654 00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:05,800 APPLAUSE 655 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:07,800 There's the nasty moss that destroyed everything a long, 656 00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:11,800 long time ago, but there's... How many species, do you think, of moss? 657 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:13,800 200. Two. Two? Right, OK. 200? 658 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:16,800 It's, like, thousands, isn't it? I'm going to give you the points. 659 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:20,800 There's 14,000, and the rarest form of moss in the world - 660 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,800 extremely rare - and it's in Britain. 661 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:24,800 It's in Derbyshire. 662 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,800 And it's feather moss. 663 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:29,800 And it's so rare, Derbyshire feather moss, that there's only 664 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,800 a single yard of it in a stretch of river in the Peak District. 665 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,800 What, there's one yard? In the world or...? In the whole world. 666 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:40,800 There's one species. And its location is secret. 667 00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:42,800 Have they at least put a little fence round it? 668 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:43,800 The location is secret. 669 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,800 How well guarded it is I don't know, somebody crosses the river... 670 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,800 They don't want to leave that to chance. They should put 671 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:52,800 one of the yellow things they have in the supermarket up. 672 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:56,800 What if somebody stands on that? I know, it's amazing, isn't it? 673 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,800 Absolutely incredible. There you are. Good old Derbyshire. 674 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:01,800 Now, from moss to moths. 675 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:05,800 Why would you want to blow up a moth's penis? 676 00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:08,800 Really the question should be why wouldn't you? 677 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,800 You've run out of balloons at a kids' children's party. 678 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,800 Blow it up like destroy it, or... Inflate it. 679 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:17,800 Inflate it, yeah. ..like, with a foot pump? 680 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:19,800 Using... Flotation device. 681 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:23,800 It takes a certain kind of person to invent something 682 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:25,800 to increase the size of a moth's penis... 683 00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:27,800 It does. It certainly does. It really does. 684 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:28,800 It takes an Australian. 685 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,800 And it takes a device that they've invented called... 686 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:35,800 "Get your lips round that, fella." Yeah. 687 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,800 LAUGHTER And it's called... 688 00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,800 "We're going to have to float downstream or we'll die." 689 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:43,800 And it's called the phalloblaster. 690 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:50,800 The phalloblaster is what pumps up the penis of a moth... 691 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:51,800 Come here, little fella, 692 00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:53,800 I'm just going to increase the size of your penis. 693 00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:55,800 Shouldn't hurt. 694 00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:57,800 Did we...did we answer the why... 695 00:31:57,800 --> 00:31:59,800 Why would we? Yeah, why? Why? 696 00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:01,800 I love the idea that they blow up the penis, 697 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,800 then let it go and it goes... HE MIMES DEFLATING BALLOON 698 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:06,800 LAUGHTER Well, what it is... 699 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,800 And the moths go, "Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" 700 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:13,800 There are a lot of species of insect that are impossible to determine 701 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:17,800 the actual species except by an inspection of the genitalia. 702 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:18,800 Right. Oh, really? Yeah. 703 00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,800 Oh, some doctor said, "It's the only way I could find out 704 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:25,800 "if it was a man, so I blew it and now I know." 705 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,800 They used to use... 706 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,800 "Because otherwise I wasn't sure. Leave me alone, Mary..." 707 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:36,800 I thought moths were just butterflies from the '70s. 708 00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:40,800 LAUGHTER 709 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:41,800 Ah-ha. 710 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:43,800 So, forward, the phalloblaster. 711 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,800 It uses a stream of pressurised alcohol 712 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:49,800 to fill and inflate the insect's penis. 713 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,800 And if anyone knows about pressurised alcohol, it's an Australian. 714 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:56,800 I don't think that's a... 715 00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:59,800 "Can we have two streams of pressurised alcohol, please?" 716 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,800 That's not a scientific experiment, that's an Australian stag do. 717 00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:03,800 It basically is. 718 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:06,800 When the alcohol evaporates, you see, it hardens the tissue 719 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:11,800 and then you're left with one much larger, hardened organ that... 720 00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:14,800 This is the sort of thing you should put in a kit for a teenage boy. 721 00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:15,800 Yeah. 722 00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:17,800 How do they do this? Because the thing is... 723 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:19,800 Have we come on to the why yet, as well? 724 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,800 Do they hold the moth and then do it? 725 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:24,800 Because you know when you hold moths, the gold stuff 726 00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:26,800 comes off their wings and they can't fly any more 727 00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:27,800 and they have to walk home. 728 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,800 It explains why they're always trying to get to the moon, no? 729 00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:33,800 Bloody hell. I'd be out of here, as well. 730 00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:36,800 They've been told there's spare penises up there... 731 00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:38,800 "I've had enough of this, I'm off." 732 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:43,800 When you said, "I'm off," it sounded like "I...moth." 733 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,800 Like I... Like a very thoughtful moth. 734 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,800 Yeah. I moth. I moth. Do take thee, other moth. 735 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,800 I thought he was just talking Welsh. I-moth. I-moth. 736 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:57,800 I-moth. Well, it's cowin' lush, either way. So, um... 737 00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,800 LAUGHTER 738 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:00,800 See, I speak Welsh. 739 00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:04,800 Now, this man invented toilet vinegar. 740 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:06,800 What other bright ideas did he have? 741 00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:08,800 Waterproof fish and chips? 742 00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:11,800 LAUGHTER 743 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,800 NOEL: The triple beard. Yes. 744 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,800 Is it Thomas Edison? It's not Thomas Edison. 745 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,800 With the light bulb. No... Bright idea, you see. 746 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:28,800 You're right, very clever, that was brilliant. Smarter than we've been. 747 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,800 Is it Jack Torch, inventor of the torch? No. 748 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:33,800 Is toilet vinegar something to do with cleaning? 749 00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,800 It's toilet vinegar in the sense of toilet water. 750 00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:37,800 It's supposed to be... Oh, yeah. 751 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:38,800 But, in fact, it would work for cleaning. 752 00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:41,800 But if I told you his name, you might guess what he invented 753 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:43,800 which is in a related field. 754 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:44,800 His name was Rimmel. 755 00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:46,800 Oh, did he invent... Oh, make-up. 756 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:48,800 Particular kind? The lipstick? Lipstick. 757 00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:50,800 Not the lipstick, no. The blusher? 758 00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,800 Not the blusher. Mascara. 759 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:54,800 Yes. Oh. Absolutely right, mascara. Yes. 760 00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:56,800 Why weren't things going off then? 761 00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:58,800 If I'd said things, it would all have gone off. 762 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:02,800 LAUGHTER 763 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:04,800 Finally you've worked out the pattern... 764 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:07,800 If you start guessing things, it goes off! 765 00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:09,800 That's how it works. 766 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,800 It's just that fair. Just cos she's a girl! 767 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:14,800 Oh, no! Now then. 768 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,800 Ahh, she's a girl who knew the right answer. 769 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:19,800 Ahh, I can't believe it. 770 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:22,800 There's an urban myth that mascara contains...? 771 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:24,800 Have you ever heard of this? Dogs. 772 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:26,800 It is made of dogs. The French don't care. 773 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:28,800 You know what they're like. They're cruel. 774 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:32,800 Some people think it's made of bat guano. Bat droppings. 775 00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:35,800 Oh, my goodness. Bat gua... It's because it has guanine in it 776 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,800 and guanine is made from fish scales. 777 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:39,800 Robin, take that and make some mascara. 778 00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:42,800 He looks like... 779 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:45,800 Please. 780 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:46,800 Be proud of yourself. 781 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:48,800 Is bat guano poisonous? Batman shit. 782 00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:51,800 LAUGHTER 783 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:53,800 He was very much a perfume-y sort of person. 784 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,800 In plays in the Victorian era, as the curtain went up, 785 00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:59,800 there would be a waft of perfume for each scene, different perfume, 786 00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:04,800 and he would be credited in the programme - "Perfume by Rimmel." 787 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:07,800 Talking of inventors, you mentioned Edison, 788 00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,800 but actually, John Logie Baird, who's best known for...? Television. 789 00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:13,800 His first invention, which you can guess what it might be... The chair. 790 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:17,800 He didn't invent the chair. Chair first, then the television. 791 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,800 LAUGHTER 792 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:22,800 It's a perfect suite of inventions. 793 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,800 The remote control, then the television. TV listings. 794 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,800 TV listings, no. 795 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:31,800 Anger. Jeremy Kyle, he invented Jeremy Kyle. Anger? 796 00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,800 Television first and then anger. 797 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,800 "It's all shit!" 798 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:39,800 It was actually nothing to do with television. Toaster. No. 799 00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:40,800 Was it the hairdryer? 800 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:44,800 It was a pair of socks that went over the socks you already wore. 801 00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:46,800 I mean under, sorry, they went under. 802 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:48,800 You've got your socks and then under them 803 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:51,800 you've got these socks that are impregnated with 804 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:56,800 borax to keep them dry, so that the borax absorbs the moisture. 805 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:58,800 Why did they go under the other socks? 806 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:01,800 Why didn't he just have those socks? 807 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:05,800 Why would they love sockses...sockses that keep your feet dry? 808 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:07,800 Cos there's a very damp environment. 809 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:11,800 Where did you have damp feet as a bad thing? In the river. 810 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:13,800 LAUGHTER 811 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:18,800 In the trenches. In the trenches. The soldiers loved them. 812 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:21,800 It was the one thing that kept morale high. Exactly. 813 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:23,800 While their friends were being gassed and blown to pieces, 814 00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:26,800 they'd turn to each other and say, "Mind you, my feet are dry." 815 00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:28,800 LAUGHTER 816 00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:31,800 "It's this borax, I've heard, it's wonderful." 817 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:33,800 "I haven't eaten for a week and Freddie's bought it, 818 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,800 "but my feet feel marvellous." 819 00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:39,800 It's quite a leap to go from socks to television. It is, isn't it? 820 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:41,800 That's why we thought it was interesting. 821 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:44,800 And now it's time for us to leave the maelstrom of miscellany 822 00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:46,800 and move into the murky waters of general ignorance. 823 00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:49,800 Fingers on mushroomoids. 824 00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:50,800 Who invented the motorway? 825 00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:53,800 Oh... 826 00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:55,800 Mr Way. 827 00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:57,800 LAUGHTER 828 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:01,800 Is it someone like Diddy David Hamilton? It's someone well known. 829 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:05,800 That really was drawn out weirdly! 830 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:09,800 From where...which bottom drawer of the mind did he arrive? 831 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:13,800 I'm talking about which country. Oh! Which country first had a motorway? 832 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:15,800 Germany. Not Germany! 833 00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:17,800 KLAXON 834 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,800 A lot of people might have thought it was Germany 835 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,800 because the Nazis were famous for the Autobahn. Is it us, then? 836 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,800 Is it the M1? It was actually America, the first one. 837 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,800 It was called the Long Island Motor Parkway, or LIMP, 838 00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:32,800 and it was opened in 1908. 839 00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:33,800 They want to invent the... 840 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:37,800 The thingy barrier quite quickly as well. Look at that! 841 00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:39,800 No cat's eyes there. 842 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,800 Originally they used to just bury a cat up to its neck. 843 00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:45,800 The what? The first cat's eyes? 844 00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:49,800 The Victorians... The ladies were going, "Argh!", 845 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:52,800 the cats were buried in the ground and the men were furious. 846 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:56,800 Then they'd dig them up two years later and dance around with them. 847 00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:58,800 It's all knitting and fusing together. 848 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:00,800 It was greeted on its opening with the headline 849 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:04,800 "First of the Motorways is Opened", so I think it definitely counts. 850 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,800 The first motorway in Europe wasn't German, either. 851 00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:11,800 It was a toll road between Milan and the northern Italian lakes. 852 00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,800 It was built in 1924. It was pretty basic, though. 853 00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,800 Looks like a river. Yes. 854 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:21,800 What is the definition of a motorway, then? Motor traffic only. 855 00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:24,800 It's got a Welcome Break. Yeah, it's got a Welcome Break. 856 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:27,800 Is that what it is, motor traffic only? Is that...? Yeah. 857 00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:30,800 No horses, no bicycles, pedestrians. Yeah. 858 00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,800 The Nazis weren't even responsible for the first German motorway, 859 00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:35,800 in fact, which was built in 1932. 860 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:37,800 What did the Nazis ever do for us? 861 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:42,800 The motorway was invented in America, or Italy, but not Nazi Germany. 862 00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:47,800 After you die, what's the last bit of your body to stop beating? 863 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:50,800 The internal section of the clit... 864 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:52,800 LAUGHTER 865 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,800 Now, you see... RHOD: The foot. 866 00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:58,800 APPLAUSE 867 00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:01,800 It's known as the foot, Alan, in mountaineering circles. 868 00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:04,800 The foothills are the clitoris. NOEL: Oh, is it the shadow? 869 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:08,800 Excuse me? LAUGHTER 870 00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:10,800 Officially weird. 871 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,800 APPLAUSE 872 00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:19,800 Did those iron filings ever have any effect on you? 873 00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:21,800 Well, just imagine if you were lying in a coffin 874 00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:23,800 and your shadow was going, "Great, what am I going to do now? 875 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:27,800 LAUGHTER "I could be someone else's shadow." 876 00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,800 Do you know about the little pulsing, beating hairs we have in our body? 877 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:31,800 Oh, in your digestive system? 878 00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:34,800 They're tiny. We have them all over the body. 879 00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,800 In the nose, not the nostril hairs, they're big, 880 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,800 but the tiny, tiny little... 881 00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:39,800 Like moss. 882 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,800 Like moss. They're called cilia. 883 00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:44,800 What, the little hairs in your nose? Cilia. 884 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:46,800 No, not the visible ones. I was going to say, I feel really guilty, 885 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,800 I machined mine out this morning. 886 00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:49,800 They're like little... 887 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:51,800 Are they the ones that collect mucus? 888 00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:53,800 Microscopic little bulrushes there, 889 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,800 and they beat in waves to pass things backwards and forwards. 890 00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:59,800 You can test if you put saccharin in your nose... 891 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:01,800 I know it sounds suspicious... 892 00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:03,800 You trying to get us into trouble or...? 893 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:06,800 "No, Officer, I'm trying something... 894 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:08,800 "It's a QI thing. You put..." 895 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,800 Pulling up in a lay-by on the A40. "It's saccharin, Officer." 896 00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,800 If you just dab saccharin on your nostrils, right... 897 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:14,800 Right. 898 00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:17,800 And wait, don't push it up or sniff it up, or anything like that, 899 00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:20,800 just wait until you can taste it in the back of the throat. 900 00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:22,800 Right. And that's the action of the cilia pulling it up. 901 00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:25,800 Like tiny elves passing to each other. 902 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:28,800 So, yeah, they studied 100 cadavers, scientists, 903 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,800 and found that not only did the cilia keep moving for up to 20 hours, 904 00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:34,800 but the beat of them slowed down at a consistent pace, regardless 905 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:37,800 of external factors, like temperature and so on. 906 00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,800 That's so sad. It could help forensic investigators, though, 907 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,800 work out the time of death. They kept trying to keep... 908 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:44,800 "Come on, lads. Keep going, he might come back." 909 00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:46,800 Why would they continue doing that? 910 00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:48,800 Cos they weren't ready to let it go... 911 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:49,800 Let it go, cilia. 912 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:54,800 They even transport molecules to the retina's light-sensitive cells. 913 00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:56,800 They're very amazing. Quite useful, aren't they? 914 00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:59,800 They help propel sperm and waft eggs through the oviduct. 915 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:01,800 That's...that's one for you. 916 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:03,800 LAUGHTER 917 00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:05,800 I have ovaries. 918 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,800 Just in case anyone who watched the programme didn't know that I had 919 00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:11,800 a clitoris, ovaries and a vulva, we've discussed mine this evening. 920 00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:14,800 Yeah. Thank you. Shall I get my rainbow out? Yes, please. 921 00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:19,800 I've got a Ferris wheel on me cock so don't worry too much. 922 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:22,800 We're both having a good time. Everyone relax, everyone relax. 923 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:24,800 Shall I waft my eggs over to your Ferris wheel... 924 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:26,800 Yeah, oh-ho! Oh-ho! 925 00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:28,800 I would say your matrimonial necessities 926 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:32,800 have had a damn good airing this evening. Yeah. 927 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:34,800 They didn't need it, they definitely didn't need it. 928 00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:37,800 Well, that brings me to the matter of the scores, 929 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:39,800 and how fascinating they are. 930 00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,800 Actually, really fantastic because way out in the lead 931 00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:46,800 with a magnificent plus eight is Cariad Lloyd. 932 00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,800 Ah. LAUGHTER 933 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:51,800 I win. 934 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:56,800 In a superb second place, with plus four - Noel Fielding. 935 00:42:56,800 --> 00:43:00,800 APPLAUSE 936 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:04,800 And no disgrace to be on minus seven - Rhod Gilbert. 937 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:08,800 Incredible. I'm happy with that... 938 00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:09,800 And pretty good for him, 939 00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:12,800 minus 29 - Alan Davies. 940 00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:13,800 Thank you. 941 00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:18,800 APPLAUSE 942 00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:20,800 Well, that's all from Cariad, Rhod, Noel, Alan and me. 943 00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:23,800 And I leave you with this quote about mystery 944 00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,800 from Sir Arthur Eddington, the great physicist. 945 00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:30,800 "Something unknown is doing we don't know what." Goodnight.