1 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,070 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:34,070 --> 00:00:37,460 good evening, good evening - and welcome to QI. 3 00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:42,660 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate Marriage and Mating. 4 00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:46,620 To help me tie the knot, I've brought along a few mates - 5 00:00:46,620 --> 00:00:51,091 the ministerial Bill Bailey... 6 00:00:55,290 --> 00:00:57,861 ..the matchmaking Greg Davies... 7 00:00:59,930 --> 00:01:04,780 ..the Maid of Honour, Jo Brand... 8 00:01:04,780 --> 00:01:06,099 Maid of Honour? 9 00:01:07,350 --> 00:01:11,450 ..and the "Must We Really Invite Him?" Alan Davies. 10 00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:20,340 So, let's hear your mating calls. Bill goes... 11 00:01:23,861 --> 00:01:26,260 You'll recognise that, Bill, being an animal man. 12 00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:28,228 Oh, should I? Is that an animal? 13 00:01:29,731 --> 00:01:31,380 It's an amphibian. I thought it was a... 14 00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:33,861 Oh, it's a frog of some kind? 15 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,450 It's a marine toad. 16 00:01:40,450 --> 00:01:41,660 And Jo goes... 17 00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,030 I do actually go like that. 18 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,420 Well, that was a moose. 19 00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:52,981 And Greg goes... 20 00:01:57,170 --> 00:01:59,229 It's been a few years since I did that. 21 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:03,010 That is a spider monkey. Of course it is. 22 00:02:03,010 --> 00:02:05,270 Two animals for the price of one. Wonderful. 23 00:02:05,270 --> 00:02:06,500 So, Alan goes... 24 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:09,170 'Hello, darling, you all right?' 25 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:16,340 And that's the mating call of... Where do you come from, Alan, again? 26 00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:17,864 Essex. Yeah. There we are. 27 00:02:19,090 --> 00:02:21,020 And then you have sex, that's how it works. 28 00:02:22,890 --> 00:02:25,450 Everybody wins. Fantastic. 29 00:02:25,450 --> 00:02:29,250 But what's the recipe for a disastrous marriage? 30 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,240 Oh, Jo? 31 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,300 Dead vicar? 32 00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:34,650 It would be, you're right. 33 00:02:34,650 --> 00:02:36,370 Yeah? 34 00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:39,430 Live vicar, lovely couple, escaped Bengali tiger. 35 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,420 Yeah, that would be tricky. 36 00:02:42,420 --> 00:02:45,090 You've painted a word picture, Greg, there. 37 00:02:45,090 --> 00:02:47,130 Let's think first about budget. 38 00:02:47,130 --> 00:02:48,660 The price of the wedding? 39 00:02:48,660 --> 00:02:50,170 The price of the wedding, yeah. 40 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:53,250 Isn't it about 20 grand now? To get... 41 00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:54,930 Yeah, is that a good thing? 42 00:02:54,930 --> 00:02:57,170 I mean does that affect the long-term... Oh, I see. 43 00:02:57,170 --> 00:02:58,250 So the more you spend 44 00:02:58,250 --> 00:03:01,150 doesn't necessarily mean you're going to have a happier marriage. 45 00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:04,260 It's actually the more you spend, the shorter the marriage. 46 00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:05,741 Oh. Yes. Oh. Really? 47 00:03:05,741 --> 00:03:08,150 Isn't that extraordinary? It IS extraordinary. 48 00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:10,430 Mine should be over in a couple of weeks. 49 00:03:12,611 --> 00:03:13,873 Cost a bloody fortune. 50 00:03:16,150 --> 00:03:19,871 It was economists at Emory University, Atlanta, who discovered this. 51 00:03:19,871 --> 00:03:22,170 They found an inverse correlation between money spent 52 00:03:22,170 --> 00:03:23,890 and how long it lasts. 53 00:03:23,890 --> 00:03:28,250 Those who spent less than $1,000 - which is what, £700? - 54 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:32,220 had divorce rates 53% below average, 55 00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:34,100 while those who spent more than 56 00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,820 you were talking about that as a sum - 57 00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:39,260 had divorce rates 46% above average. 58 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,060 What about numbers who attend weddings? 59 00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:42,861 Is that a similar inverse correlation? 60 00:03:42,861 --> 00:03:45,170 The more who come, the shorter the marriage? 61 00:03:45,170 --> 00:03:48,210 I presume so, because of the cost factor. Expense, yeah. 62 00:03:48,210 --> 00:03:50,220 Oddly enough, the reverse is true. 63 00:03:50,220 --> 00:03:55,450 The more people who witness the wedding, the longer it lasts. 64 00:03:55,450 --> 00:03:58,300 So you've got to have a cheap wedding with lots of people. 65 00:03:58,300 --> 00:03:59,540 That seems to be the key. 66 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:02,871 This is Randy Olson, a PhD student at Michigan State. 67 00:04:02,871 --> 00:04:06,030 He found that couples who marry in front of more than 200 people are 68 00:04:06,030 --> 00:04:10,300 92% less likely to get divorced than those who only have a few witnesses. 69 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:14,220 So really you want to get married in Selfridges on Christmas Eve. Yes! 70 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,970 Or maybe, if you want to have it cheap and cheerful, 71 00:04:16,970 --> 00:04:20,350 but lots of people, maybe somewhere like McDonald's, you might think. 72 00:04:20,350 --> 00:04:22,340 In Hong Kong. 73 00:04:22,340 --> 00:04:26,380 For $900, you can get 200 guests at a McDonald's. 74 00:04:26,380 --> 00:04:30,700 McDonald's Happy Marriage. It's a Happy Marriage, yes! 75 00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:33,611 You get a two-hour venue rental, 76 00:04:33,611 --> 00:04:37,871 you get 50 McDonaldland character gifts. 77 00:04:37,871 --> 00:04:40,140 You get two McDonald balloon wedding rings. 78 00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:42,380 Yeah, but how many burgers do you get? 79 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:45,780 Come on, give us that info, 80 00:04:45,780 --> 00:04:48,020 I'm thinking about getting remarried there. 81 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:49,871 It's a very simple ceremony, isn't it? 82 00:04:49,871 --> 00:04:52,820 You point to the bride, "Do you love it?" "I'm loving it." 83 00:04:52,820 --> 00:04:55,436 "All right..." 84 00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:01,900 It's all over in five minutes. 85 00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:03,790 Yeah. Put a ring on it. 86 00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:06,150 Yeah, that's right. Oh, onions, lovely, put a ring on it. 87 00:05:06,150 --> 00:05:07,540 Onion rings. 88 00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:10,660 If you love it, put an onion ring on it. 89 00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:14,260 Randy Olson from Michigan State, who discovered that we should be... 90 00:05:14,260 --> 00:05:15,950 I can't get a picture of an erection 91 00:05:15,950 --> 00:05:17,871 with an onion ring on it out of my head. Oh! 92 00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:23,220 I get that. How do you get a thought out of your head? 93 00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:25,340 What, like onion ring quoits? 94 00:05:29,820 --> 00:05:33,187 I used to do a bit of stand-up about this thing that I found... 95 00:05:34,510 --> 00:05:38,140 About onion rings? That sounds great. That sounds brilliant. 96 00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:40,170 What it was, we were doing a secret Santa, right, 97 00:05:40,170 --> 00:05:42,430 and it was a £10 limit. 98 00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:46,150 And I went in... There was quite a good adult shop on the Essex Road, 99 00:05:46,150 --> 00:05:49,970 and for under £10 the only thing they offered was anal hoopla. 100 00:05:52,741 --> 00:05:56,090 Anal hoopla consists of a stick, 101 00:05:56,090 --> 00:05:58,690 which goes, guess where... Oh, yeah. 102 00:05:58,690 --> 00:06:01,898 And three hoops. 103 00:06:03,170 --> 00:06:05,460 That's...that's the actual game. 104 00:06:05,460 --> 00:06:08,500 It's an ice breaker. It's an ice breaker. 105 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:12,020 If things have gone a bit flat, you know, in the bedroom area. Come on! 106 00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:16,660 I mean, the tone of this show is SO difficult to get right. I'm sorry! 107 00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:19,810 I'm just... I'm recalibrating. 108 00:06:19,810 --> 00:06:24,731 All this anal hoopla. Who would have predicted anal hoopla? 109 00:06:24,731 --> 00:06:28,090 On the front of it, on the front of the packet is a cartoon drawing, 110 00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:30,020 a bit like a saucy postcard. 111 00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:31,420 Two people playing, 112 00:06:31,420 --> 00:06:33,820 as if they couldn't get anyone to actually demo it. 113 00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:36,020 Oh, my goodness, yeah. I dare say it doesn't work. 114 00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:39,020 Where was this for sale? At the ARSE-nal football ground? 115 00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:40,550 Wahey! 116 00:06:43,510 --> 00:06:46,060 Thank you. That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?" 117 00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:55,518 "No, thanks." 118 00:06:57,230 --> 00:06:58,595 "Let's play Scrabble." 119 00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:05,060 Now, what's the longest anyone has ever gone without sex? 120 00:07:05,060 --> 00:07:08,063 I went for a whole panel show once, but I... 121 00:07:09,790 --> 00:07:11,100 It's not over yet, Greg. 122 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:12,988 I can't see that happening again. 123 00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:16,694 A bit of hoopla? You know... 124 00:07:17,790 --> 00:07:21,900 I just think you get to a certain age and you're up for new experiences, Bill. 125 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:25,150 Yeah, go on. 126 00:07:25,150 --> 00:07:29,462 That's it, once you've been with a beardy, you never go back. 127 00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:33,100 I don't know. Is it human? Are you talking humans here? 128 00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,180 No, we're not talking humans. Of course not. 129 00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:38,250 Something buried in the ground, like a lungfish for something. 130 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,790 Is a tortoise? Yeah. I'm just trying to think of things 131 00:07:40,790 --> 00:07:43,020 that live for a long time that could not have sex. 132 00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:45,230 Trees. 133 00:07:45,230 --> 00:07:48,150 Well, no. I beg your pardon? I wasn't doing an impression of you. 134 00:07:48,150 --> 00:07:52,100 It's like... I didn't think you were. But now I do. 135 00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:56,410 No, I had an aunt who couldn't say, "...ex", like that. "...ex". 136 00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:59,050 I love aunts like that. A friend of mine, 137 00:07:59,050 --> 00:08:02,741 his aunt was in hospital having an operation on her leg, 138 00:08:02,741 --> 00:08:06,510 and the surgeon came round to check how it was and she said to him, 139 00:08:06,510 --> 00:08:10,030 "It's the first time I've had my legs together for years." 140 00:08:10,030 --> 00:08:12,881 Of course everyone around the bed went... 141 00:08:12,881 --> 00:08:16,040 Like that, and she had no idea what we were talking about. 142 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,900 Yes, but this is an animal. 143 00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:22,510 What it is about is, when we say species have sex, 144 00:08:22,510 --> 00:08:23,820 what do we mean by that? 145 00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:26,030 Actually... Conjoin. Conjoin. 146 00:08:26,030 --> 00:08:28,871 Yeah. We're going back hundreds of millions of years. 147 00:08:28,871 --> 00:08:30,510 Dinosaurs. 148 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,871 Yes, we're going back to that. Shrews! Shrews! 149 00:08:32,871 --> 00:08:36,180 We're under the sea. The first animal known to have sex... 150 00:08:36,180 --> 00:08:38,540 Barnacle. No. 151 00:08:38,540 --> 00:08:42,624 The first species to do it was a fish called Microbrachius dicki. 152 00:08:45,230 --> 00:08:48,580 Come on. JO: Microbrachius what? 153 00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:51,670 Dicki. Dicki. D-I-C-K-I. 154 00:08:51,670 --> 00:08:53,900 The old dicki. The old dicki. 155 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,510 Microbrachius means small arms. Small arms dick. 156 00:08:56,510 --> 00:08:58,950 Small arms dick. Dick small arms. OK. 157 00:08:58,950 --> 00:09:00,751 Dicky small arms. 158 00:09:00,751 --> 00:09:03,621 The Microbrachius dicki, 159 00:09:03,621 --> 00:09:07,970 380 million years ago was the first creature that we 160 00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:12,260 know of to engage in internal organ sex. 161 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:16,110 Penetrative. Yes, penetrative, exactly. 162 00:09:16,110 --> 00:09:17,941 Fortunately, it kept a diary. 163 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:22,861 They had bony protrusions running down both sides of their bodies, 164 00:09:22,861 --> 00:09:26,300 and during copulation the male's bony bits stuck to the female's 165 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:28,420 Iike Velcro, which held them together. 166 00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:30,970 Aw. It looks quite sweet, though. So, they had sex sideways. 167 00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:32,665 But it didn't really catch on. 168 00:09:34,130 --> 00:09:38,499 And the species' descendants then evolved to stop having sex. 169 00:09:39,670 --> 00:09:44,621 No creature attempted to have internal sex again for between 170 00:09:44,621 --> 00:09:47,390 20 and 40 million years, as far as we know. 171 00:09:47,390 --> 00:09:48,900 I'm not sure how evolution works. 172 00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:51,460 Will it have been one of these fish who just suddenly went, 173 00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:54,180 "I think I'm going to try this today"? 174 00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:59,790 Maybe it started with the lady one laying the eggs 175 00:09:59,790 --> 00:10:02,950 and the man one fertilising the eggs, 176 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:06,420 and then one day he saw the eggs coming out and he decided to get ahead of the game. 177 00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:09,240 To beat the others. I think you're probably right. 178 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,501 And those that did that passed on their genes more successfully. 179 00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:14,780 Until it got further and further inside. 180 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,670 It looks like they're wearing blindfolds. 181 00:10:16,670 --> 00:10:18,422 It's a bit 50 Shades, isn't it? 182 00:10:20,310 --> 00:10:23,347 "What's that? What that?" "It's my male claspers." 183 00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:27,230 Looks like it's been superimposed on an ice lolly. 184 00:10:28,390 --> 00:10:29,755 Yeah, happy face. Yeah. 185 00:10:31,670 --> 00:10:35,680 Anyway, animals first had sex 380 million years ago, 186 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,340 then give it a rest for around 30 million years. 187 00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:41,470 Who's still having sex? 188 00:10:41,470 --> 00:10:44,230 Not me. Not me. 189 00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:46,621 I'll tell you what, these toads. 190 00:10:46,621 --> 00:10:48,751 They're begging for it. Begging for it. 191 00:10:48,751 --> 00:10:50,380 But are they having it? Are they having it? 192 00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:51,540 Who's still having sex? 193 00:10:51,540 --> 00:10:54,540 What, long-term? Some animals lock together for ages, don't they? 194 00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:56,540 Are we still... are we in the animal kingdom? 195 00:10:56,540 --> 00:10:58,770 Well, Alan, you're in absolutely the right area, 196 00:10:58,770 --> 00:11:00,770 in as much as you've spotted our phrase, 197 00:11:00,770 --> 00:11:05,390 "Still having sex," as being having sex in a still position. 198 00:11:05,390 --> 00:11:06,960 Ah! 199 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:11,110 So it is the species that most has to be utterly motionless 200 00:11:11,110 --> 00:11:12,980 when having sex that we could discover. 201 00:11:12,980 --> 00:11:14,320 Is it nuns? 202 00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:19,400 It's not nuns. 203 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,753 Prehistoric nuns. 204 00:11:25,420 --> 00:11:28,190 It's a moth. A moth? It's a moth. It's a moth. 205 00:11:28,190 --> 00:11:29,631 And so... There it is. Oh, right. 206 00:11:29,631 --> 00:11:33,621 There it is, beautiful, beautiful moth. It's the gold swift moth. 207 00:11:33,621 --> 00:11:36,220 And it's at its most vulnerable when mating. 208 00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:38,910 Because it might move and exhibit ecstasy. 209 00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:42,700 So what it does instead is keep incredibly still, 210 00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,550 so that the bat doesn't spot the twitch, any movement. 211 00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:48,980 But it has a wonderful repertoire of positions... 212 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,788 (Why are we whispering?) Unique amongst... 213 00:11:54,310 --> 00:11:57,780 Because we don't want to disturb it. Look, there they are. OK. 214 00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:01,420 Do you know what, you went all David Attenborough, then. 215 00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:03,700 - As though we were sort of... - 216 00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:06,830 I think Stephen's worried about being attacked by a bat. I was. 217 00:12:06,830 --> 00:12:13,960 AS ATTENBOROUGH: On the left there is the standard, facing position. 218 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,710 And in the middle, an extraordinary upside down... 219 00:12:16,710 --> 00:12:18,439 See the tiny moth cock. 220 00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:22,220 Mr Moth and Kate Moth... 221 00:12:23,790 --> 00:12:26,390 Wahey! Thank you. 222 00:12:26,390 --> 00:12:29,430 But they are a marvellous species, I think you'll agree. 223 00:12:29,430 --> 00:12:31,190 Yeah, the gold swift moth, 224 00:12:31,190 --> 00:12:34,670 it has to remain completely still when having sex. 225 00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,390 Now for something completely different. 226 00:12:36,390 --> 00:12:38,233 Who's still having sex? 227 00:12:41,990 --> 00:12:45,266 The, erm, gold...fish moth? What was it called? 228 00:12:47,910 --> 00:12:50,190 God, dementia already. The swift. Gold swift moth. 229 00:12:50,190 --> 00:12:52,631 The gold swift. Oh, the gold swift moth. 230 00:12:54,430 --> 00:12:57,070 Well done. You get points for remembering. Oh. 231 00:12:57,070 --> 00:12:59,680 We are so impressed, because it's very rare that anyone on QI 232 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,060 can remember the question that's just been asked. 233 00:13:02,060 --> 00:13:03,950 Oh, I was so close, I said goldfish moth. 234 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,150 You were close. I know. 235 00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:08,260 Is this a new thing, then? Master Of Memory? Yes, that's right. Wow! 236 00:13:08,260 --> 00:13:12,151 Yeah, well done you. Will we get some slightly easier ones, like our names? 237 00:13:14,310 --> 00:13:17,430 Because my memory's terrible. Mine's terrible. Yeah, really bad. 238 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:19,751 Such a fabulously middle-aged new feature. 239 00:13:19,751 --> 00:13:20,940 Isn't it?! I love it. I know. 240 00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:22,180 Master of Memory! 241 00:13:23,790 --> 00:13:26,830 Well done for remembering something seconds ago. 242 00:13:29,751 --> 00:13:33,180 FRAIL VOICE: Is it Neville Chamberlain?' Anyway... 243 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,900 One of those rave parties. 244 00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:41,130 So, what was the question? 245 00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:43,540 Eh? What? Eh? What, what? What was the question? 246 00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:45,030 Who's still having sex? 247 00:13:45,030 --> 00:13:47,180 Yes, well done. You remembered that, good. 248 00:13:47,180 --> 00:13:49,030 POSH ACCENT: I like a bit of kedgeree in the morning... 249 00:13:51,190 --> 00:13:53,400 So, it's another question, who's still having sex? 250 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,710 Is it anything to do with that lady in the picture? 251 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:59,501 No, the picture, as always, is a complete distraction. She's washed her smalls. 252 00:13:59,501 --> 00:14:01,070 Oh, I suppose that's what it is. 253 00:14:01,070 --> 00:14:03,270 Old ladies don't wear underwear like that. 254 00:14:03,270 --> 00:14:05,200 That one does. 255 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,270 I think they're her husband's. Do you? 256 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,560 So, who's still having sex? 257 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,710 It's a fetish. A cult. Another animal? 258 00:14:13,710 --> 00:14:16,511 A fetish about having sex with things that are still. 259 00:14:16,511 --> 00:14:17,950 Oh, oh... Oh, I see. Statues? 260 00:14:17,950 --> 00:14:19,550 Yes. Oh. 261 00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:22,190 Absolutely right. Is it? Really? Yeah, yeah. 262 00:14:22,190 --> 00:14:25,940 And what's the Greek myth of someone who fell in love with a statue? 263 00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:28,550 Oh, thing. "Thing," yes. 264 00:14:28,550 --> 00:14:30,230 Can we do better? What's it begin with? 265 00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:32,030 It begins with, well, the... Pygmalion. 266 00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:34,300 The sculpture begins with P, Pygmalion, exactly. 267 00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:36,040 Pygmalion is the sculpture of... 268 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,070 Yes! Memory, memory! 269 00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:40,350 Thank you. That one person. 270 00:14:40,350 --> 00:14:42,648 Well, no, but... 271 00:14:45,350 --> 00:14:48,761 Pygmalion made a statue of Galatea and he fell in love with it. 272 00:14:48,761 --> 00:14:52,550 And in the myth, the gods took pity and breathed life into her. 273 00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:55,470 But it does seem to be a genuine passion people have. 274 00:14:55,470 --> 00:14:59,040 Even in Greek times, the first recorded case, Pliny claimed... 275 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,830 And we love Pliny, don't we? Yeah. Oh, yes, yes. 276 00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:05,910 Pliny claimed that Praxiteles' naked statue of Aphrodite of Cnidus, 277 00:15:05,910 --> 00:15:09,190 which is the first naked female statue of that time... Yes. 278 00:15:09,190 --> 00:15:11,910 Apparently she had a permanent stain on her leg from where 279 00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:14,040 a sailor got carried away. 280 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,300 Wow. Ugh. 281 00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:18,860 What you might call seaman stains. 282 00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:21,830 Seaman stains, yeah, well, it's true. Quite literally. 283 00:15:21,830 --> 00:15:23,980 But Cleisophus was a man who tried to make love to 284 00:15:23,980 --> 00:15:26,501 a statue in the temple of Samos. 285 00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:29,830 When he found the marble very, very cold, he changed his mind 286 00:15:29,830 --> 00:15:33,110 and laid out a piece of meat on the floor and made love to that instead. 287 00:15:34,980 --> 00:15:37,830 It's an incredible jump to make, isn't it? It is, a species... 288 00:15:37,830 --> 00:15:42,120 "Oh, this statue's not working for me, get me down the butcher's." 289 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,190 It is a bit odd, isn't it? That would make... 290 00:15:44,190 --> 00:15:48,771 But surely a statue is only a kind of less giving blow-up doll, 291 00:15:48,771 --> 00:15:52,410 really, isn't it? Don't you think? This is a really good point, Jo, 292 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:53,920 because you've absolutely... 293 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,041 Yeah, thank you. 294 00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:00,761 Sex psychiatrists have - 295 00:16:00,761 --> 00:16:03,840 sexologists as they like to call themselves - were early on puzzled by 296 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:09,990 the fact that this particular fetish seemed to die away in the 1950s, 297 00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:13,470 until they'd considered that maybe it was replaced by the love 298 00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:16,511 of blow-up dolls, as they arrived on the market. 299 00:16:16,511 --> 00:16:19,641 So it is, whatever that fetish is, that desire to... 300 00:16:19,641 --> 00:16:22,480 I suppose it's to... so often the case, men's control, 301 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,300 power and all that sort of thing, 302 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,761 that you can control and have power over something that 303 00:16:26,761 --> 00:16:29,550 can't answer back, that is inanimate. Well, I saw... Yeah? 304 00:16:29,550 --> 00:16:34,120 I saw a picture in the paper the other day of a very lifelike woman robot. 305 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:37,190 And I must admit thinking to myself, it's not going to be long. 306 00:16:37,190 --> 00:16:38,940 It isn't, is it? No. 307 00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:40,660 Wait a minute, that was Theresa May. 308 00:16:48,230 --> 00:16:50,910 It was recognised as an illness until the mid-20th century 309 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:53,840 when it was dropped because no actual cases presented themselves. 310 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,030 What was it called? 311 00:16:55,030 --> 00:16:57,670 It was called agalmatophobia. 312 00:16:57,670 --> 00:17:01,920 Sorry, -philia, rather. Phobia is the fear of things. 313 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,480 What's that, sorry? Agalmatophilia. Philia. Yes, agalmatophilia. 314 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,080 The proclivity of having sex with statues. Extraordinary word. 315 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:11,560 OK, agalmatophobia is the fear of having sex with statues. 316 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,480 Yes. Well, the fear of statues. Oh, I see. Right. 317 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:18,670 Now, who married Big-Mouthed Margaret? 318 00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:19,740 Denis. 319 00:17:23,940 --> 00:17:27,120 Oh, thank you. Thank you for that. 320 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:30,120 Well, how can you know Big-Mouthed Margaret? 321 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,230 Was it Tiny-Todger Tony? 322 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:42,020 If I said Muckle-Mou'ed Meg, would that help? 323 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:45,990 Muckle being big and mou'ed being mouthed, Meg being Margaret. 324 00:17:45,990 --> 00:17:47,511 Is it Rabbie Burns? 325 00:17:47,511 --> 00:17:51,550 Well, no, but, astonishingly, you're in the right area, 326 00:17:51,550 --> 00:17:55,391 in as much as it involves a very - probably after Robbie Burns - 327 00:17:55,391 --> 00:17:58,381 the most famous Scottish writer. Wee Willie Winkie. 328 00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:01,381 The most famous Scottish writer after Robbie Burns. 329 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:04,480 Walter Scott? Walter Scott, yes, brilliant. Bloody hell! 330 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,190 Really good. 331 00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:09,310 You're on fire. I'm on fire! 332 00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:11,381 You are on fire. 333 00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:14,550 Yeah, and there you can see William Scott and the woman herself, 334 00:18:14,550 --> 00:18:16,200 Muckle-Mou'ed Meg. 335 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:20,430 And William Scott was Walter Scott's great-great-grandfather, 336 00:18:20,430 --> 00:18:23,830 and he stole some cattle off a man. 337 00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:29,020 And he was sentenced to be hanged, or to marry the man's 338 00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:32,740 incredibly, apparently, ugly daughter, Muckle-Mou'ed Meg. 339 00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,830 I know, it's... What sort of a court was this? 340 00:18:35,830 --> 00:18:39,430 And William Scott said, "I think I'll be hanged." 341 00:18:40,910 --> 00:18:44,070 But at the very last minute he changed his mind and he married her. 342 00:18:44,070 --> 00:18:46,910 And they had a very happy marriage. 343 00:18:46,910 --> 00:18:50,300 And because of it, they had Walter Scott as a... 344 00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,950 Even Robert Browning wrote a poem on it, because they all 345 00:18:52,950 --> 00:18:55,920 worshipped Walter Scott in a way that we don't any more. 346 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,310 Jane Austen venerated him, 347 00:18:57,310 --> 00:19:01,230 particularly the European writers, Balzac and others venerated him. 348 00:19:01,230 --> 00:19:06,030 Yes, William Scott said, "I do," to Muckle-Mouthed Meg. 349 00:19:06,030 --> 00:19:08,670 And it's a good thing he did, or we wouldn't have Sir Walter. 350 00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:12,641 But who advised dissecting a woman before marrying one? 351 00:19:12,641 --> 00:19:15,020 I think my husband said something similar, 352 00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:17,011 when we were a bit pissed one night. 353 00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:20,750 Some great, one of the Victorian... 354 00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:23,430 He was a great, and he was 19th century. 355 00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:26,150 Oddly enough, I've mentioned his name today. 356 00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:28,280 He was a great writer. 357 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,030 Walter Scott. No. 358 00:19:30,030 --> 00:19:31,440 Balzac. Honore de Balzac. 359 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,641 Pliny. Honore de Balzac is the right answer. 360 00:19:33,641 --> 00:19:36,560 I just said Balzac! I said Balzac! No, he did just say that. He did. 361 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,280 You didn't say the first name! All right, calm down. There he is. 362 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,590 There he is, I'd know him anywhere! 363 00:19:41,590 --> 00:19:44,241 Did his fiancee hang herself? 364 00:19:45,470 --> 00:19:48,020 Bless him. Well, his fiancee stayed his fiancee 365 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,560 for a very, very long time. 366 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:53,150 He fell in love with a countess, who said, "You can't marry me 367 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,790 "until my husband dies," because she was already married. 368 00:19:55,790 --> 00:19:57,460 And it took 17 years. 369 00:19:57,460 --> 00:19:58,950 Eventually they got married. 370 00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:00,430 Five months later, Balzac died. 371 00:20:00,430 --> 00:20:02,460 So, he didn't get much use out of her, 372 00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:03,790 if that's the right word. 373 00:20:03,790 --> 00:20:05,644 I don't think it is. No. 374 00:20:06,820 --> 00:20:10,080 He wrote a book in 1829 called The Physiology Of Marriage, 375 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,631 in which he said, "A man ought not to marry without having 376 00:20:12,631 --> 00:20:16,360 "studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman." 377 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:20,240 So, I mean a dead woman, he's not... Oh, that's such a creepy suggestion. It is a bit creepy. 378 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,680 I guess it's so he knows what's... the bits, where they all go. 379 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,470 And where everything is. Really? 380 00:20:26,470 --> 00:20:28,800 No, I hand my mother a cup of tea without knowing 381 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,590 the workings of her hand. 382 00:20:30,590 --> 00:20:33,150 That's a very good point. It's not very romantic, is it? No. 383 00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:35,830 "Darling..." Well, I don't want it to be, she's my mother. 384 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,470 There's a lot worse coming, which I'm not going to read you, 385 00:20:40,470 --> 00:20:43,460 because you'll never read Balzac again. Ooh, great. Oh, please. 386 00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:45,440 He said that "A man should weaken the will 387 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:49,641 "and strength of a wife by tiring her out under the load of constant work, 388 00:20:49,641 --> 00:20:53,460 "so that she has no energy left to cause trouble." 389 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:56,870 He deserved a big spank, didn't he? He was an early founder of Ukip. 390 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,560 And, very weirdly, he said, "Never allow her to drink water alone. 391 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,310 "If you do, you are lost." 392 00:21:06,310 --> 00:21:09,350 I mean, it's interesting, within a few sentences, 393 00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:11,820 he is clearly just a fucking nutter, isn't he? 394 00:21:11,820 --> 00:21:14,190 Yeah. He's having a laugh, surely. 395 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:17,310 I'd find him hard to forgive if he wasn't such a looker. 396 00:21:19,430 --> 00:21:22,030 Do you know the Rodin sculpture of him, which is fantastic? 397 00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:24,270 It's one of the great works of art. 398 00:21:24,270 --> 00:21:27,230 I've rubbed against it. Have you? No! 399 00:21:28,990 --> 00:21:33,160 Balzac drank 50 cups of coffee a day. I don't know if that excuses him. 400 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,521 There's a cup of coffee, in case you didn't know what one looked like. 401 00:21:36,521 --> 00:21:38,590 He drank 50 cups of coffee a day? 402 00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:40,930 Yeah, and when he found that didn't quite hit the spot, 403 00:21:40,930 --> 00:21:44,030 he then took to eating the grounds, coffee grounds. It was really weird. 404 00:21:44,030 --> 00:21:47,080 Well, I'm amazed he was as coherent as he was. 405 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:51,391 If I drank 50 cups of coffee I'd be jumping off buildings. Incredible. 406 00:21:51,391 --> 00:21:56,310 Well, Beethoven always counted out exactly 60 coffee beans 407 00:21:56,310 --> 00:21:58,290 for every cup he drank. 408 00:21:58,290 --> 00:22:01,110 Kierkegaard, on the other hand, the philosopher, 409 00:22:01,110 --> 00:22:04,641 had 50 different coffee cups. 410 00:22:04,641 --> 00:22:09,030 Whenever he wanted a cup of coffee - I really want to kill him so much - 411 00:22:09,030 --> 00:22:12,641 he instructed his secretary to select one of these cups 412 00:22:12,641 --> 00:22:17,190 and provide a valid philosophical reason for doing so. 413 00:22:17,190 --> 00:22:19,738 He sounds like a right knob. 414 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:26,030 "Invalid. Invalid reason." "No, no." "Take it away." 415 00:22:26,030 --> 00:22:30,320 Anyway, Balzac thought that you should dissect a woman before marrying one. 416 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,200 What do monkeys spend their money on? 417 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,830 It depends on the monkey, doesn't it? 418 00:22:35,830 --> 00:22:39,440 Your macaque will spend it on cigarettes and drink. 419 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,521 Your mandrill, DIY. 420 00:22:41,521 --> 00:22:43,807 Clever! 421 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,480 Very good. Man-drill. 422 00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:55,099 Surely the macaque would spend it on lavatory paper. Of course! 423 00:22:56,350 --> 00:22:59,940 Oh, we're going that way, are we? Oh, OK. I see. 424 00:22:59,940 --> 00:23:01,170 Food, I bet this... 425 00:23:01,170 --> 00:23:04,890 Is this going to be some sort of experiment where they got rewarded 426 00:23:04,890 --> 00:23:07,980 with something and they had to take it somewhere to get something else? 427 00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:10,780 Like sort of a monkey thing? Well, they actually were taught... 428 00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:13,660 they were taught the principles of money, monetary exchange. 429 00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:15,060 They were given silver discs 430 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:18,170 and taught that they could exchange them for food. 431 00:23:18,170 --> 00:23:19,340 These are capuchins. 432 00:23:19,340 --> 00:23:21,700 So called because of their colours, the creamy top... 433 00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:24,340 They really do look at a camera lens, monkeys. Those do, yeah. 434 00:23:24,340 --> 00:23:27,580 You see those shots of loads of monkeys all staring at a camera lens. Yeah. 435 00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:30,730 If you've noticed, there's one of them who's not looking at the camera lens. 436 00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:39,890 Quite notably, yes. 437 00:23:39,890 --> 00:23:43,890 Unless that monkey has had a very unfortunate accident with a camera. 438 00:23:43,890 --> 00:23:47,371 Or he's looking for a game of anal hoopla. 439 00:23:47,371 --> 00:23:49,450 Why are capuchins called capuchins? 440 00:23:49,450 --> 00:23:51,650 Isn't it something to do with... Cappuccino. 441 00:23:51,650 --> 00:23:53,990 Cappuccino? Because they're coffee-coloured? 442 00:23:53,990 --> 00:23:56,300 Because they are the same colour as cappuccino, 443 00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:58,100 cream colour at the top, dark at the bottom. 444 00:23:58,100 --> 00:23:59,820 But that's why... Monks. 445 00:23:59,820 --> 00:24:02,020 That's right, it starts with the monks. 446 00:24:05,460 --> 00:24:07,530 What is going on today? 447 00:24:07,530 --> 00:24:10,990 Something's gone wrong with me, I tell you, because normally... 448 00:24:10,990 --> 00:24:14,340 Capuchin monks have a cream-coloured cowl and dark habit. 449 00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:17,350 And so the coffee was named cappuccino, 450 00:24:17,350 --> 00:24:21,220 because it was creamy at the top and coffee below. Oh! 451 00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:23,780 And similarly, capuchin monkeys have that colouring. 452 00:24:23,780 --> 00:24:27,740 It's impossible to take your eyes off that one, I want to. 453 00:24:27,740 --> 00:24:30,140 I just imagine what's going on in his head. 454 00:24:30,140 --> 00:24:32,530 It is so severely inspecting, isn't he? 455 00:24:32,530 --> 00:24:35,780 "Mate, you've got a problem back here, seriously." 456 00:24:35,780 --> 00:24:38,060 "Something's just crawled into your arse." 457 00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:43,381 Researchers at Yale taught capuchin monkeys that in exchange 458 00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:44,860 for a certain number of tokens, 459 00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:49,990 they could buy a certain number of grapes or little cubes of jelly. 460 00:24:49,990 --> 00:24:52,620 Once they grasped this, the extraordinary thing was, 461 00:24:52,620 --> 00:24:54,511 they really got the whole concept. 462 00:24:54,511 --> 00:24:58,350 One of the monkeys used their new currency to give to a female 463 00:24:58,350 --> 00:24:59,870 to have sex with him - 464 00:24:59,870 --> 00:25:01,620 essentially a prostitute. 465 00:25:01,620 --> 00:25:05,730 And the female would then take the disc and buy herself a grape. 466 00:25:05,730 --> 00:25:09,020 So the money had gone, you know, through the system, as money does. 467 00:25:09,020 --> 00:25:14,010 But there is a separate piece of research in 2005 which involved macaques, 468 00:25:14,010 --> 00:25:18,492 that showed that they pay to look at porn. 469 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:27,820 It's true. Wow. But the extraordinary thing is, only classy porn. 470 00:25:27,820 --> 00:25:29,151 Oh, that's all right. Yeah. 471 00:25:30,261 --> 00:25:32,590 They forfeited their usual reward, 472 00:25:32,590 --> 00:25:38,460 which was a glass of cherry juice, for pictures of the faces and bottoms 473 00:25:38,460 --> 00:25:43,810 of what are known as high-ranking females within the troop of macaques. 474 00:25:43,810 --> 00:25:49,020 But they wouldn't look at pictures of the bottoms and faces of 475 00:25:49,020 --> 00:25:52,300 Iower ranked females unless they were GIVEN a glass of juice. 476 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:56,090 So, they would give up their juice to look at the porn of the higher ranking ones, 477 00:25:56,090 --> 00:26:00,300 but they had to be paid in juice to look at the other ones. 478 00:26:00,300 --> 00:26:03,170 It's extraordinary. They're monkeys. It is not a moral thing. 479 00:26:03,170 --> 00:26:06,173 Again, I know I say this a lot, but who is funding this? 480 00:26:08,251 --> 00:26:11,450 What kind of twisted... 481 00:26:11,450 --> 00:26:14,450 "Go on, give them money..." 482 00:26:14,450 --> 00:26:19,069 Anyway, what uses can you think of for a parachute on your wedding day? 483 00:26:20,460 --> 00:26:21,460 Dress? 484 00:26:21,460 --> 00:26:23,790 Yes! It's that simple. 485 00:26:26,690 --> 00:26:28,650 You're running away with it. 486 00:26:28,650 --> 00:26:30,430 Well, normally I'm thick as shit, 487 00:26:30,430 --> 00:26:33,090 I can't really understand what's going on. Anyway. 488 00:26:33,090 --> 00:26:36,330 It was particularly in World War II, and parachutes were made out of...? 489 00:26:36,330 --> 00:26:38,180 AUDIENCE: Silk. BILL: Silk, yes. 490 00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:41,070 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, exactly. 491 00:26:41,070 --> 00:26:44,100 And any spare, or ones that were found in fields, 492 00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:47,460 were grabbed by grateful people to turn into wedding dresses. 493 00:26:47,460 --> 00:26:51,100 There was a village in 1941 where a German soldier 494 00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:52,970 Ianded in his parachute and he... 495 00:26:52,970 --> 00:26:55,690 Didn't have a swastika on it, did it? 496 00:26:55,690 --> 00:26:57,890 No, no, fortunately not! Or if it did... 497 00:27:01,610 --> 00:27:03,620 "I say, she's got a bloody swastika!" 498 00:27:08,300 --> 00:27:10,268 "I think that's in very bad taste." 499 00:27:12,180 --> 00:27:14,940 Even if they were, it was great, because that village 500 00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:17,580 turned them into bloomers, you known, into long knickers. 501 00:27:17,580 --> 00:27:20,540 Oh, that's all right, to have a swastika on your bloomers, though. 502 00:27:20,540 --> 00:27:24,810 Well, no-one would see. I think it's positively encouraged, actually. 503 00:27:24,810 --> 00:27:27,381 "There's something you don't know about me..." 504 00:27:31,690 --> 00:27:34,100 But there you see a wedding dress, 505 00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:39,900 and the majority of wedding dresses were not white until after the war. 506 00:27:39,900 --> 00:27:42,251 White was a more common colour than any other, 507 00:27:42,251 --> 00:27:44,230 but it still wasn't the majority. 508 00:27:44,230 --> 00:27:48,300 Jane Austen's mother wore a bright red dress, for example. 509 00:27:48,300 --> 00:27:50,900 And Queen Victoria had a white wedding dress, 510 00:27:50,900 --> 00:27:54,970 and that was quite a sort of fashion statement that people copied. 511 00:27:54,970 --> 00:27:57,430 But things didn't get really white 512 00:27:57,430 --> 00:27:59,940 until the age of the washing machine and things like that. 513 00:27:59,940 --> 00:28:02,330 Right, it was a luxury, afforded by the rich. 514 00:28:02,330 --> 00:28:05,730 And even in the '50s, people expected to wear their wedding dress 515 00:28:05,730 --> 00:28:07,820 again, it wasn't a one-off thing, as it is now. 516 00:28:07,820 --> 00:28:10,530 But I'll tell you an interesting thing about Queen Victoria. 517 00:28:10,530 --> 00:28:11,660 Yeah? Yeah. 518 00:28:11,660 --> 00:28:14,690 When she died, towards the end of her life... 519 00:28:16,690 --> 00:28:19,170 No, it's gossip and I feel guilty about telling you. Go on. 520 00:28:19,170 --> 00:28:21,460 She won't find out. 521 00:28:21,460 --> 00:28:24,090 She was wider than she was tall. 522 00:28:24,090 --> 00:28:26,010 Really? So? 523 00:28:32,980 --> 00:28:35,690 I wore my wedding dress again, actually. Did you? 524 00:28:35,690 --> 00:28:37,419 Yeah. I went to a fancy dress party as Alaska. 525 00:28:37,530 --> 00:28:38,860 Yeah. I went to a fancy dress party as Alaska. 526 00:28:38,860 --> 00:28:41,050 Anyway... 527 00:28:41,050 --> 00:28:43,590 Tell us about...more about old... 528 00:28:43,590 --> 00:28:46,261 She was 59 inches tall, 529 00:28:46,261 --> 00:28:50,310 and she was 66 inches wide. Wow! Bless her. Really? Yes. 530 00:28:50,310 --> 00:28:54,180 But wide or in circumference? In circumference. Yeah, I was going to say. Sorry, not wide. 531 00:28:54,180 --> 00:28:58,261 She can't possibly have been... No, no. Sorry. 532 00:28:58,261 --> 00:29:00,470 That's circumference. Yeah. 533 00:29:00,470 --> 00:29:02,590 I don't mean width, but I mean... "Here she comes." 534 00:29:02,590 --> 00:29:04,310 All the way round was 66. 535 00:29:04,310 --> 00:29:07,940 "We're going to have to knock through." Yeah. 536 00:29:07,940 --> 00:29:09,760 Can't get through any of the doors. 537 00:29:10,980 --> 00:29:13,517 And that's how the Victoria Line was started. 538 00:29:15,391 --> 00:29:16,744 She needs a pew of her own. 539 00:29:18,820 --> 00:29:21,414 The Albert Hall was just a cast of her body. 540 00:29:22,790 --> 00:29:26,150 This is her bust size, I'm talking about. 66. 541 00:29:26,150 --> 00:29:28,700 Wow! 66 bust? Yeah. Crikey! Good Lord! 542 00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:32,060 She was very short. Oo-hee, there's some lovin' there. 543 00:29:32,060 --> 00:29:35,150 Her bloomers were sold, quite recently, for over £6,000. 544 00:29:35,150 --> 00:29:38,501 Must have been an enormous swastika on there. 545 00:29:38,501 --> 00:29:41,310 Almost certainly a swastika. What do you think their waist was? 546 00:29:41,310 --> 00:29:43,381 Bloomers start at the waist, they're like pants... 547 00:29:43,381 --> 00:29:46,300 80 inches. Well... XXXL. 548 00:29:46,300 --> 00:29:49,670 Yeah, they were XXX... There were lots of Xs, 56 inch waist. 549 00:29:49,670 --> 00:29:53,030 56. 56. I'm so sorry. I got it all wrong. It's 52. 52. 550 00:29:53,030 --> 00:29:54,870 I completely exaggerated. 551 00:29:54,870 --> 00:29:57,100 And she was what, how tall? 552 00:29:57,100 --> 00:30:00,261 59 inches. 4'11". Aw. Bless her heart. 553 00:30:00,261 --> 00:30:03,501 A tiny, little Queen. Yes, she was! 554 00:30:03,501 --> 00:30:07,381 So, what uses can you think of for a half-naked Frenchman 555 00:30:07,381 --> 00:30:08,860 on your wedding night? 556 00:30:10,381 --> 00:30:13,100 If it was the other half, hoopla. 557 00:30:15,330 --> 00:30:19,820 There is an half-naked Frenchman. That is Gerard Depardieu. 558 00:30:19,820 --> 00:30:22,890 He is about three times that size now, he is enormous. 559 00:30:22,890 --> 00:30:25,180 He's gone all Victoria, hasn't he? 560 00:30:25,180 --> 00:30:27,600 He is a little bit tubbier than that now, it must be said. 561 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:29,670 It is not actually a question about Depardieu, 562 00:30:29,670 --> 00:30:32,141 it is a question about an half-naked Frenchman. 563 00:30:32,141 --> 00:30:33,750 So, what are we talking about? 564 00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:36,980 Would you use him to give you a bit of a run out, first, as it were? 565 00:30:36,980 --> 00:30:38,780 Practice? 566 00:30:38,780 --> 00:30:42,470 We're going back in this case to the 16th century, and we're thinking 567 00:30:42,470 --> 00:30:48,230 about how a marriage can be shown to work, especially in royal circles. 568 00:30:48,230 --> 00:30:52,060 Le droit du seigneur? No, it's not that, that's one thing, but... 569 00:30:52,060 --> 00:30:54,020 Not the old blood on the sheet routine? 570 00:30:54,020 --> 00:30:56,770 Well, the blood on the sheet demonstrates what? 571 00:30:56,770 --> 00:30:59,590 Consummation. Consummation. And without consummation, 572 00:30:59,590 --> 00:31:01,900 a marriage is considered invalid, ultimately. 573 00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:05,300 Without consomme... Yeah, without consomme. 574 00:31:05,300 --> 00:31:08,230 So, if the man has not done his duty by the woman... Done the biz. 575 00:31:08,230 --> 00:31:09,590 Henry VIII again. 576 00:31:09,590 --> 00:31:12,820 Well, exactly, and precisely, we are talking about Henry VIII's family. 577 00:31:12,820 --> 00:31:15,620 But it doesn't have to be on the first night, does it? 578 00:31:15,620 --> 00:31:17,980 It doesn't have to be the first night, 579 00:31:17,980 --> 00:31:21,180 but the first night gets it all out of the way. Fair dos. 580 00:31:21,180 --> 00:31:23,180 So, we are in royal circles here. 581 00:31:23,180 --> 00:31:24,490 You mentioned Henry VIII, 582 00:31:24,490 --> 00:31:26,900 and we're actually in the world of Henry VIII's sister. 583 00:31:26,900 --> 00:31:28,740 She was a Tudor, and her name was Mary, 584 00:31:28,740 --> 00:31:32,460 but she is not to be confused with Mary Tudor who was Henry's daughter, 585 00:31:32,460 --> 00:31:35,180 or Bloody Mary, as she was also known. 586 00:31:35,180 --> 00:31:38,490 There she is. She married Louis XI I of France. 587 00:31:38,490 --> 00:31:41,890 Louis XI I had better things to do on the wedding night, 588 00:31:41,890 --> 00:31:44,810 so Mary went into the bedroom, she took off her clothes, 589 00:31:44,810 --> 00:31:50,100 and the Duc de Longueville pulled off his hose and his doublet 590 00:31:50,100 --> 00:31:53,100 and he laid a bare leg and thigh 591 00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:56,700 on the bed till it touched hers under the covers. 592 00:31:58,141 --> 00:32:02,820 All the people there - there was a crowd - applauded. 593 00:32:02,820 --> 00:32:06,740 And that was consummation. Even though it wasn't even the husband. 594 00:32:06,740 --> 00:32:09,220 That's how mad the period was. 595 00:32:09,220 --> 00:32:12,980 He was proxy. Ah, I see. So that was a gig, then? 596 00:32:12,980 --> 00:32:15,110 You could get that as a gig, to touch legs? 597 00:32:15,110 --> 00:32:19,500 Being the proxy? Yeah. The leg toucher. Leg toucher to royal brides. 598 00:32:19,500 --> 00:32:24,261 Yeah. You'd be in the taverns, "Yeah, I'm leg toucher to the Royals, yeah". 599 00:32:24,261 --> 00:32:27,030 "I've touched them all, you know." "Touched them all." 600 00:32:27,030 --> 00:32:30,060 I think they had to check them medically before they were 601 00:32:30,060 --> 00:32:34,750 allowed to do it, though, to make sure they didn't have any venereal disease, 602 00:32:34,750 --> 00:32:40,141 cos they didn't want a poxy proxy. 603 00:32:40,141 --> 00:32:42,257 Thank you. 604 00:32:47,460 --> 00:32:49,110 Like after a walk on a windswept cliff, 605 00:32:49,110 --> 00:32:52,420 but there was a beautiful cake at the end of it. 606 00:32:52,420 --> 00:32:56,210 Yes, Mary Tudor got a bit of a leg over, but it wasn't her husband's. 607 00:32:56,210 --> 00:33:00,770 Now it's time to enrol in the dreaded school of General Ignorance. 608 00:33:00,770 --> 00:33:03,141 Describe the sex chromosomes of the Queen. 609 00:33:03,141 --> 00:33:06,975 Xs and Ys. Ys. Two Ys? 610 00:33:08,131 --> 00:33:10,300 Erm... An X and a Y. 611 00:33:11,460 --> 00:33:13,462 One doesn't have chromosomes. 612 00:33:14,830 --> 00:33:16,946 One has a chromosome proxy, you know. 613 00:33:18,820 --> 00:33:21,980 Well, you've just given me very seriously male chromosomes. Right. 614 00:33:21,980 --> 00:33:25,710 I was having a go, though, wasn't I? I was trying. You were. 615 00:33:25,710 --> 00:33:27,350 I'm under pressure up here. 616 00:33:27,350 --> 00:33:30,350 You've actually done rather well. Have I? Yeah. 617 00:33:30,350 --> 00:33:34,550 Generally speaking, human beings have how many pairs of chromosomes? 618 00:33:34,550 --> 00:33:38,316 One? Two? We have 23, which is not as many as a potato. 619 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:44,460 We have 23 pairs, and one of those pairs determines our sex, gender. 620 00:33:44,460 --> 00:33:49,030 And if you are a female you're... 621 00:33:49,030 --> 00:33:51,340 And if you're male... XY. XY. 622 00:33:51,340 --> 00:33:53,700 And there are variations... I thought it was YY. 623 00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:55,900 ..but generally speaking, we've got the Y. 624 00:33:55,900 --> 00:33:58,990 If you've got YY, what are you, then? 625 00:33:58,990 --> 00:34:00,620 Boy George. 626 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:08,499 But the Queen has given birth to males. And does that change you? 627 00:34:08,499 --> 00:34:11,619 There is a little bit of two-way going on in the womb, 628 00:34:11,619 --> 00:34:15,260 up and down the placenta, as it were, and that is that if you have a male 629 00:34:15,260 --> 00:34:19,260 child inside you, it has XY chromosomes, of course, and a little 630 00:34:19,260 --> 00:34:23,419 bit of that XY chromosome will lodge inside the mother and stay there. 631 00:34:23,419 --> 00:34:27,579 A 93-year-old woman recently was found to have the XY 632 00:34:27,579 --> 00:34:33,059 chromosome in her head from a male child she had had decades ago. 633 00:34:33,059 --> 00:34:39,319 Oh! So the Queen will have, having had three male children, namely... 634 00:34:39,319 --> 00:34:40,579 Er... 635 00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:45,029 She's had Charles, Andrew and Edward. That's right, very good. 636 00:34:45,029 --> 00:34:46,917 Lucky, Lucky and Lucky. 637 00:34:48,979 --> 00:34:52,629 And somewhere there will be remnants of the XY chromosomes. 638 00:34:52,629 --> 00:34:55,489 Makes you more likely to like football. 639 00:34:55,489 --> 00:34:58,260 Prince Philip was in a school, children were showing him, 640 00:34:58,260 --> 00:35:01,849 saying if you inspect the genes you can tell the gender, 641 00:35:01,849 --> 00:35:05,182 and Prince Philip said, "Can't you just pull them down?" 642 00:35:08,859 --> 00:35:12,349 Ah, bless him. Here's a card, isn't he? 643 00:35:12,349 --> 00:35:15,069 Totally. Here is an easy one. 644 00:35:15,069 --> 00:35:18,869 How many legally recognised political parties are there in China? 645 00:35:20,789 --> 00:35:22,759 Yes, Greg? One. 646 00:35:26,270 --> 00:35:28,709 Oh, dear. No, it's not one. None. 647 00:35:28,709 --> 00:35:31,189 Ah, you see, you've played this game a lot. 648 00:35:31,189 --> 00:35:32,939 You think you can... No. 649 00:35:35,509 --> 00:35:38,717 Two. 650 00:35:40,029 --> 00:35:42,779 We could have fun here, couldn't we? 651 00:35:42,779 --> 00:35:44,979 There are actually eight other parties other than 652 00:35:44,979 --> 00:35:48,029 the Communist Party. Isn't that extraordinary? 653 00:35:48,029 --> 00:35:51,270 They are a multiparty state. There they all are. 654 00:35:51,270 --> 00:35:52,714 Day release from prison. 655 00:35:54,429 --> 00:36:00,419 So, what is the maximum number of children allowed in every family in China? 656 00:36:00,419 --> 00:36:03,649 Oh... Ah... Ah! 657 00:36:03,649 --> 00:36:06,749 Hold on. Who is going to go? Do it, do it! 658 00:36:09,189 --> 00:36:12,352 Have a plump. One. 659 00:36:14,829 --> 00:36:17,859 They had a policy. They did have a policy. 660 00:36:17,859 --> 00:36:19,699 But it was never all the people of China, 661 00:36:19,699 --> 00:36:21,629 all the families of China who were affected. 662 00:36:21,629 --> 00:36:26,579 For example, if you were an ethnic minority it didn't apply to you. 663 00:36:26,579 --> 00:36:30,189 Ethnic minority meant anyone who wasn't Han Chinese. 664 00:36:30,189 --> 00:36:34,069 36% of the population were subject to a one child rule, 665 00:36:34,069 --> 00:36:36,299 but never the whole of China. 666 00:36:36,299 --> 00:36:40,029 The average number of children a Chinese woman bears is 1.4. 667 00:36:40,029 --> 00:36:42,299 That's weird, isn't it? 668 00:36:42,299 --> 00:36:44,419 What do you think it is in Britain? 669 00:36:44,419 --> 00:36:45,939 I thought it was 2.4 children? 670 00:36:45,939 --> 00:36:48,909 1.7. 1.8. 671 00:36:48,909 --> 00:36:51,479 1.9. 1.9. You were nearly there. 672 00:36:51,479 --> 00:36:56,549 And I'd be very impressed if you knew the country in the world with the highest birth rate. 673 00:36:56,549 --> 00:37:00,909 This country is in anagram of what Queen Elizabeth does. 674 00:37:00,909 --> 00:37:03,280 Niger. Yes! 675 00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:05,400 Wow! Very quick. 676 00:37:12,589 --> 00:37:15,349 Did he just ask you what she had for breakfast? Yes. 677 00:37:15,349 --> 00:37:17,479 Because I want to know what combination of things 678 00:37:17,479 --> 00:37:20,549 she's had that make her brain work so well today. 679 00:37:20,549 --> 00:37:24,909 Yes, the Queen reigns, and it is Niger. "Niger". Seven is the average. 680 00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:28,579 Good Lord. Quite a burden for a woman in Niger. 681 00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:31,299 Now, name a monogamous bird? 682 00:37:31,299 --> 00:37:33,429 Me. 683 00:37:33,429 --> 00:37:35,400 Swan. 684 00:37:36,909 --> 00:37:39,759 Sorry, we just had to get you there. 685 00:37:39,759 --> 00:37:41,349 MAN IN AUDIENCE: Penguin. 686 00:37:41,349 --> 00:37:44,299 Penguin. Penguin from the audience. 687 00:37:44,299 --> 00:37:46,909 Oh, does the audience want one? 688 00:37:50,189 --> 00:37:52,289 That's what happens... We've got a dumb audience. 689 00:37:52,289 --> 00:37:54,469 Yeah, you see. Not so clever now! 690 00:37:57,299 --> 00:37:58,649 ANOTHER MAN: Magpie. 691 00:37:58,649 --> 00:38:00,260 No, it's a nun, it's a nun. 692 00:38:03,659 --> 00:38:05,659 Almost no birds are monogamous, 693 00:38:05,659 --> 00:38:09,429 even ones that are thought of as monogamous are not truly monogamous. 694 00:38:09,429 --> 00:38:12,030 They misbehave. They cheat. 695 00:38:12,030 --> 00:38:14,759 I mean, the only one we've come up with is the black vulture. 696 00:38:14,759 --> 00:38:17,509 Where you do genetic tests... Nobody... Nobody will have him. No. 697 00:38:17,509 --> 00:38:19,589 Ugh! 698 00:38:19,589 --> 00:38:21,629 A proud, handsome fellow. 699 00:38:21,629 --> 00:38:25,629 Or girl. He is monogamous? He is, yeah. Not by choice. Yeah. 700 00:38:27,549 --> 00:38:30,559 No infidelity is found by DNA testing, 701 00:38:30,559 --> 00:38:32,349 whereas in almost all the other birds... 702 00:38:32,349 --> 00:38:35,829 Ducks are... They're dirty sods, aren't they? 703 00:38:35,829 --> 00:38:39,829 Swans have also...black swans in particular - one in six cygnets is 704 00:38:39,829 --> 00:38:43,869 the result of extra-pair copulation, what we would call extra-marital. 705 00:38:43,869 --> 00:38:45,309 Yes. Despite the love hearts 706 00:38:45,309 --> 00:38:47,869 and the beautiful romantic shape that they make. 707 00:38:47,869 --> 00:38:50,989 Other orders or classes of animal that are genuinely monogamous, 708 00:38:50,989 --> 00:38:55,309 apart from black vultures, are the flatworm Diplozoon paradoxum. 709 00:38:55,309 --> 00:38:57,829 When a male meets a female, they actually fuse together, 710 00:38:57,829 --> 00:39:00,299 so they don't really have any choice in the matter. 711 00:39:00,299 --> 00:39:03,079 So they remain faithful till death. 712 00:39:03,079 --> 00:39:04,559 And voles. 713 00:39:04,559 --> 00:39:06,869 That's very sweet. Look at that. Aw! 714 00:39:06,869 --> 00:39:08,199 How can you not love a vole? 715 00:39:08,199 --> 00:39:11,119 Everything eats them as well, it's such a shame for them. Yeah. 716 00:39:11,119 --> 00:39:16,659 Owls in particular. Yeah. An owl can hear the heartbeat of a vole or... 717 00:39:16,659 --> 00:39:20,309 Or a shrew...or something, from, when it's four feet underground, 718 00:39:20,309 --> 00:39:22,549 when it's flying overhead. I know, it's amazing. 719 00:39:22,549 --> 00:39:24,639 And they've got their concave face, the owls, 720 00:39:24,639 --> 00:39:28,030 it's like an echo chamber, and they can hear the heartbeat underground. 721 00:39:28,030 --> 00:39:32,099 Isn't that amazing? They say they can, anyway. Yeah. 722 00:39:32,099 --> 00:39:34,099 "Yes, I heard it underground. Hmm." 723 00:39:34,099 --> 00:39:36,909 I was like that when I had my ears waxed 724 00:39:36,909 --> 00:39:39,429 and it was like that, you know, coming out of the surgery. 725 00:39:39,429 --> 00:39:43,069 "Oh, my God, I can hear a vole four miles away!" 726 00:39:43,069 --> 00:39:47,589 I saw an owl flying for the first time in my life this year. 727 00:39:47,589 --> 00:39:49,499 And they make no noise at all, do they? No. 728 00:39:49,499 --> 00:39:51,629 And apparently they're really thick. Are they? 729 00:39:51,629 --> 00:39:55,579 They're not as wise as people have been going on about, are they? No, apparently not. 730 00:39:55,579 --> 00:39:58,669 Barn owls are really stupid, they don't even know where they live. 731 00:39:58,669 --> 00:40:01,001 They have to have the habitat built into the name. 732 00:40:04,150 --> 00:40:06,270 "Where do I live? Barn, barn! That's it. Oh, yes." 733 00:40:09,270 --> 00:40:11,429 Well, voles are monogamous and charming 734 00:40:11,429 --> 00:40:14,309 and indeed their names are an anagram of? 735 00:40:14,309 --> 00:40:17,509 Love. Yes. Isn't that nice? 736 00:40:17,509 --> 00:40:21,673 Well, many supposedly monogamous birds have a little tit on the side. 737 00:40:23,669 --> 00:40:27,659 Who can marry you at sea? 738 00:40:27,659 --> 00:40:29,099 The captain of the ship. 739 00:40:35,309 --> 00:40:38,309 A vicar who happened to be on the ship. 740 00:40:38,309 --> 00:40:40,379 Ship's entertainer? 741 00:40:40,379 --> 00:40:41,739 No. No, I don't think so. 742 00:40:41,739 --> 00:40:45,939 That would be great, wouldn't it? "Des O'Connor's marrying you." 743 00:40:45,939 --> 00:40:49,509 The thing is, a ship's captain can't, and never has been able to. 744 00:40:49,509 --> 00:40:51,749 It's a total myth. Oh. Where's that come from, then? 745 00:40:51,749 --> 00:40:53,020 Why do I know that to be true? 746 00:40:53,020 --> 00:40:55,559 It seems to come from films, you know, all kinds of things. 747 00:40:55,559 --> 00:40:57,869 The Amorous Adventures of Moll Flanders, it happens. 748 00:40:57,869 --> 00:41:00,549 Look, Bill, there's your pipe character made flesh. Oh, yes. 749 00:41:00,549 --> 00:41:02,859 Oh, yes. It is, yeah. Look at that moustache. 750 00:41:02,859 --> 00:41:04,099 "Good God! 751 00:41:05,379 --> 00:41:08,020 "I can't marry you, but I'm going to have a bloody good go." 752 00:41:12,589 --> 00:41:14,819 "The things I can do with this moustache, 753 00:41:14,819 --> 00:41:17,189 "you wouldn't believe, madam." "Extraordinary." 754 00:41:17,189 --> 00:41:20,829 "Ooh, oooh!" 755 00:41:20,829 --> 00:41:24,989 "You can actually play hoopla with this moustache." 756 00:41:24,989 --> 00:41:27,105 "And once I bring the pipe into play... 757 00:41:29,150 --> 00:41:30,499 "..you'll be begging for mercy." 758 00:41:30,499 --> 00:41:32,739 "Ooh, ho-ah!" 759 00:41:32,739 --> 00:41:36,549 The only country we could find where it is true that the captain 760 00:41:36,549 --> 00:41:38,669 can marry is Japan. Japan. Yeah. 761 00:41:38,669 --> 00:41:41,349 But the couple has to be Japanese, as well. 762 00:41:41,349 --> 00:41:44,179 The captain can if the couple is Japanese. All right. 763 00:41:44,179 --> 00:41:47,309 He's punching above his weight, that fella, isn't he? Blimey. 764 00:41:47,309 --> 00:41:50,349 Aren't they the ones that were in McDonald's earlier? 765 00:41:50,349 --> 00:41:51,909 I think they do look like it, 766 00:41:51,909 --> 00:41:53,909 we may have just put the different backdrop on. 767 00:41:53,909 --> 00:41:58,229 I think you have. The horrible truth. I think it's right, yeah. 768 00:41:58,229 --> 00:42:01,639 A ship's captain is no more qualified to marry you than I am. 769 00:42:01,639 --> 00:42:04,779 So, to the scores. Oh, my actual. 770 00:42:04,779 --> 00:42:08,319 Well, in first place, the blindingly, anagrammatically, 771 00:42:08,319 --> 00:42:11,239 factually gifted Jo Brand with seven points! 772 00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:16,030 Well done, Jo. 773 00:42:16,030 --> 00:42:18,879 Plus 7, that's a rare plus. 774 00:42:18,879 --> 00:42:23,999 In second place, what a debut, with minus 4, it's Greg. 775 00:42:23,999 --> 00:42:27,196 Well done, Greg Davies. 776 00:42:29,389 --> 00:42:33,150 In third place, with a mighty minus 13, is Bill Bailey. 777 00:42:38,519 --> 00:42:40,359 But never knowingly out-hopelessed, 778 00:42:40,359 --> 00:42:42,669 with minus 32, is Alan Davies. 779 00:42:50,069 --> 00:42:53,109 It only remains for me to thank Greg, Bill, Jo and Alan. 780 00:42:53,109 --> 00:42:56,559 And I leave you with this wise old adage off a bumper sticker. 781 00:42:56,559 --> 00:42:58,179 "Marriage is like a hurricane, 782 00:42:58,179 --> 00:43:00,549 "it starts with all that sucking and blowing, 783 00:43:00,549 --> 00:43:02,439 "and, in the end, you lose your house." 784 00:43:02,439 --> 00:43:04,953 Goodnight. 785 00:43:32,030 --> 00:43:32,290 Who is this dangerous renegade, this maverick,