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This programme contains
some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening!

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Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to QI,
for the middle show of the M series,

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which is in the middle
of the alphabet,

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where our theme is, well, not so much
middle as muddle, to be honest.

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But we have the magnificent
Aisling Bea.

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CHEERING

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The mighty Danny Bhoy.

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CHEERING

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The magnetic Jimmy Carr.

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CHEERING

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And the miscellaneous Alan Davies.

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CHEERING

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And their buzzers
are merrily multifarious.

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Aisling goes...

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CHILD: # Here we go round
the mulberry bush

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♪ The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush. ♪

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Danny goes...

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CHILD: # This old man, he played one

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♪ He played knick knack
on my drum. ♪

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Jimmy goes...

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CHILDREN: # Three blind mice

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♪ Three blind mice. ♪

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It's like the soundtrack
of a horror film.

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And Alan goes...

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CHILD: # My Bonnie lies over... #

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BANG ON DOOR
Will you go to bed?!

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DOOR SLAMS

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Was that a gunshot? I don't know.

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The bit at the end, yes.

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Well, the best place to start,
I always think, is in the middle.

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How do you know when a chimpanzee
is having a midlife crisis?

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Does it get a Chinese tattoo?

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Just on the back of his neck there.
A motorbike.

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A motorbike?

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KLAXON BLARES

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APPLAUSE

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Where does the phrase
"midlife crisis" come from?

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How long has it been in the language,
do you think?

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Do you think the Victorians used it?
Do you think...?

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I bet it's more recent.
I bet it's like a '50s... Yeah.

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Cos it was about buying sports cars
and doing those kind of crazy...

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divorcing your wife
and going out with someone of 22.

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It was actually 1965

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that a psychologist decided on
this midlife crisis.

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He thought that only geniuses
got a midlife crisis.

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He used the phrase,

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but he said it was something
that happened to geniuses.

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But we... It's not only us.
It's not only us.

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Is it, Alan? You get them too.

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Yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

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I went to my...

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I went to my doctor and I said,

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"I hate the West
and I want all the infidels dead,"

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and he said, "Don't worry, you're
just going through a midlife Isis."

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LAUGHTER

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Of course, they might be in the
Olympics by the time this goes out!

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That would be an extraordinary
turnaround of fortune for them.

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I think, in the next World Cup,
Fifa would take them. What, Isis?!

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Yeah, of course. Yeah,
they would be in England's group.

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Group of death!

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That is supposedly a man
in a midlife crisis.

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If he's in a midlife crisis, he's
going to live to 300, which is...

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The awkward thing
about midlife crises,

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I've had some friends
that have gone through them recently

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and they've left their partners,
gone out with much younger women

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and they've bought sports cars,
and the most difficult thing

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is pretending to my other half that,

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"Aw! That's terrible. Isn't it sad?"

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"Aw, ah.
God, he's had a disaster there.

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"Yeah. No, apparently she used to be
a dancer. Yeah."

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Yeah.
LAUGHTER

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He's not... But is he happy?

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Aw.

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Yes.

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He can't stop smiling.

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He showed me some photos
on his phone, it looks amazing.

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Well, it turns out that chimpanzees,
when they're young, they're high

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and when they get to middle age,
they kind of go down

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and then up again, which is
supposedly what a midlife crisis is.

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Does it only affect the men, or does
it affect the women chimps as well?

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It seems to be a male thing,
doesn't it? And I think...

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Yeah. I hear that, sister monkeys.

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Are those guys laughing
at the ginger ones?

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Well, the tests were done
on the ginger ones,

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or orang-utans,
as some people prefer to call them...

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The ginger ones, yes.
..and on the chimpanzees.

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There are some well-known examples

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of people in middle age
doing extraordinary things.

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Henry VIII was 35...
Is he 35 in that picture?

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I think, in that picture,
he's a little older.

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His reaction to a midlife crisis
was pretty extreme. Well, it was.

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He fell for a younger woman
when he was 35, called Anne Boleyn,

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and as a result, broke with...
Catherine of Aragon. ..Rome.

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Well, he broke with her as well,
that's true.

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He divorced her
against the Pope's wishes.

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Well, she didn't give him an heir,
did she? It's her own fault!

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LAUGHTER

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She should have magicked him up
a boy. She was a failure.

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He had a boy, though,
but he was a bastard, wasn't he?

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Couldn't be King. No.
So, he had some messy break-ups.

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He had messy break-ups, but 35, that
was the year he really pushed it out.

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You know, he broke with Rome,
founded his own church. And...

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Who else is there?
Well, Jesus and Buddha.

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Would you call Jesus's
a midlife crisis?

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DANNY: He died when he was 33,

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so when was his midlife crisis?
Well, in his 30s.

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I mean, before he was 30,
he didn't really do anything.

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But what about Buddha?
I mean, there was the weight gain.

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LAUGHTER

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From Siddhartha to a big potbellied
thing. Yeah, I think that's the...

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That's the middle-age thing,
isn't it?

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You just get into box sets and...

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a bit more takeout, twice a week,
it's not good for you.

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But he didn't become the Buddha
until he was in his 40s, about 48.

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What was his name before that?
Frank? Maybe, well, 30s.

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So there's still a chance for me,
is there?

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Well, no-one really knows
what these things are about,

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except that it does seem to be
a pattern with men.

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Now, what mania was started
by a few myopic Merseysiders?

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♪ Mulberry bush. ♪
Weirdly, you know...

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Yeah? No, keep going.

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Does this buzzer stop Jimmy
speaking? Try again.

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LAUGHTER

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Say something.

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I was just going to say...
# Mulberry bush. #

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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There's some support for it.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I find the buzzers
really disconcerting.

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It does feel like someone's
about to get murdered in the show.

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"Oh, go to bed!"
LAUGHTER

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Those childish ghost cries.

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♪ Mice. ♪

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It's usually The Beatles.

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Hmm. Isn't it?

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Yeah, it's usually The Beatles.

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The Beatles is what you're saying.
It's usually The Beatles.

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He's saying The Beatles.

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KLAXON BLARES
# Mulberry bush. #

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Very good.

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No, is the answer.

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Oh. It was a mania,
but not Beatlemania on Merseyside.

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Myopic Merseyside.
It involves something to do with M.

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Myopic is short-sighted, is it? Yes.

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Partially-sighted.
So, what M could help you

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with partial-sightedness?

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My glasses.
LAUGHTER

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Yes.

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Any particular type
of ophthalmic instrument

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that would help, that began with M?
Monocle.

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Monocle is the right answer.
There we go, very good.

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Yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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I only knew that cos there happens
to be a monocle next to me.

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It was a bit of a giveaway.

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There you are, pop them in.

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It was a fashion thing
that seemed to sweep Liverpool.

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I can imagine it taking off again,
to be honest.

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You do look great.
You look very good.

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Ah, Jimmy!
LAUGHTER

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Oh, my goodness.
My old pal.

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What are you laughing at?

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Jimmy, you've never looked more like
a ventriloquist's doll in your life.

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LAUGHTER

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So, Jimmy...

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SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

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Oh, my! You really did look like
Lord Charles there.

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HE LAUGHS

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I now feel slightly haunted.

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Wow! Thank you for putting your hand
there, by the way.

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It was really...special.

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Your hair is all up.

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They won't fit because monocles
had to be made to fit,

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which is why they were expensive.

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And because they were expensive,

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they were associated
with the upper classes.

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And even when you wear them,

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it's very hard not to look rather
kind of like that, isn't it?

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At what point in history
did someone just go,

183
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make that mental leap between,

184
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"I've got it here and
I've got a little bridge here.

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"I could maybe
just put another one..."

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Well, it's funny you should say that.

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Which came first,
the monocle or the spectacles?

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I'm going to say the spectacles.

189
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Yes. The spectacles,
by hundreds of years.

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What? When do you think
the monocle came in?

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1974.

192
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No. They came in in the 1800s
and they were instantly a success,

193
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but they were expensive.

194
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And we associate them with,
I suppose...

195
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Oh, there I am.
DANNY: Yeah. There you are, yeah.

196
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,640
I had all three of those.

197
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DANNY: They knocked that up
pretty quickly. Yeah.

198
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,640
But something gave them
a rather bad image

199
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,040
in the 20th century.
Californian vegetables. Nazis.

200
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,320
Nazis, and in fact...
LAUGHTER

201
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Californian vegetables.

202
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Buy Californian vegetables.

203
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By Jove, they're awfully good.
LAUGHTER

204
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,120
Yeah, they were associated with...
You do become instantly posh.

205
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..aristocrats, German soldiers
and generals.

206
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,200
Ludendorff wore one, Krebs,
various of those figures there did.

207
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,960
Ja.

208
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,520
Advance.

209
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,440
They really did never stop...
No squinting.

210
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..trying to look more evil,
did they? No, they didn't.

211
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,120
Well, what could we add to this?

212
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,360
I've got the, you know,
the skull and crossbones,

213
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,160
I've got the weird look,
I've got the steely eyes.

214
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,400
They're a very good fit.

215
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,720
I know, I'll put
one spectacle lens over here.

216
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,560
GERMAN ACCENT: What about a monocle?

217
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:05,200
Zat would make us more evil.
A tiny moustache.

218
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,600
So, who are the famous monocle
wearers that you can name?

219
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,200
Patrick Moore. That's one. Good.

220
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,120
Goebbels. No, he didn't have one.

221
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,040
Hitler. Hitler!

222
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:19,240
It would have set him off lovely,
but no, he didn't. He didn't.

223
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:20,480
Mr Peanut, from the peanuts.

224
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,840
Yes, that's right,
the Planters peanuts, Mr Peanuts.

225
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:24,280
Can anyone think of any?

226
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,160
AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT
Terry-Thomas, we had Terry-Thomas.

227
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,440
No, I don't think he did.
Bad luck, you're out.

228
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,120
Did Churchill ever wear one?
Churchill, no...

229
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:34,760
Jesus? Erich von Stroheim.

230
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,320
Jesus?! Jesus wore one. Jesus!

231
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,440
Chris Eubank.

232
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,800
Chris Eubank! Of course!
It doesn't count

233
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:48,560
if you're driving a monster truck
through Brighton at the time.

234
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,520
There was a very peculiar thing
that started in 1902,

235
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,760
which was the New York Times,
whether as a joke originally,

236
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:58,080
but it seems to have become one
because it is so preposterous,

237
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,200
is they keep predicting the return of
the monocle,

238
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,120
so in 1902, they said
it was going to come back,

239
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,800
then in 1936 the reported that
more than 20 British MPs had one.

240
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:11,760
1941, they found that
monocle sales were up 50%

241
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,640
but then they dropped again
because...

242
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,760
That was a pair of glasses,
it turned out.

243
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:21,560
But the war, the association with
Nazis then sort of dropped the sales

244
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,440
and then in 1970,
the New York Times again

245
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:29,160
reported sales had risen by 50%,
quoted a Bond Street optician.

246
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,760
If I ran an opticians,

247
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,800
I'd make them do the shop sign
in a really blurry font.

248
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:40,840
Even as recently as 2014,
the New York Times again reported

249
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,480
on a comeback in cities as diverse as
Manhattan and Cape Town and Berlin.

250
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,880
I like that the association with
Nazis made it drop,

251
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,360
made it fall, the sales.
Encouraging, yes.

252
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:54,960
You mentioned the Beatles and, of
course, there was a myopic Beatle.

253
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,800
John Lennon. John Lennon.

254
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,480
His glasses.

255
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:01,000
LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: I've never
worn a monocle in me life,

256
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,480
it was only glasses,
only ever worn glasses.

257
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,360
But he was very, very short-sighted,

258
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,000
so much so that if he didn't
wear his glasses,

259
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,200
he would be qualified as blind.

260
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,200
That explains Yoko Ono!

261
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,840
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

262
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,600
Now!

263
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:21,840
APPLAUSE

264
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,080
Why am I clapping? That's dreadful!

265
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:31,160
Another great figure from
the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame

266
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:34,160
who died famously young...
Buddy Holly.

267
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,360
Buddy Holly, yes.

268
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,320
Oh, was he FLYING the plane?!

269
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,560
LAUGHTER

270
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,160
APPLAUSE

271
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:49,240
That's it, when they found the
black box, it was just him going,

272
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,840
"Can I have a go?"

273
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:54,120
And the Big Bopper going,
"No, Buddy!

274
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,960
"You're bli-i-i-i-i-i-ind!"

275
00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,600
He couldn't read the top line
of an eye-test chart.

276
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:04,640
He obviously famously
wore glasses too, as many do.

277
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,400
But there you are.
Now for a medical question.

278
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:14,360
What malady could you ameliorate
by standing in the middle of Wales?

279
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,800
Yes? Er, Moby Dick.

280
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:19,720
Ha!

281
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,840
Stand in the middle of whales.
Moby Dick!

282
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,400
Ah.

283
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:27,080
Oh, very good. Very good.
APPLAUSE

284
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,680
Very good. Whales or
Wales the country, though?

285
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,360
Well, you see, this is the thing.

286
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,600
Not whale, the giant mammal.

287
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,880
You kind of deserve a little point
for your Moby Dick.

288
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,800
Oh, do I? Because I am
actually talking...

289
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,920
If you stood in the middle
of a blue whale...

290
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,280
I know you're obsessed,
but it doesn't have to be blue.

291
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,040
Yeah, but let's say it's blue.

292
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,440
All right, blue. All right blue.

293
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,680
Because you know you can stand
in one of those.

294
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:51,040
You can? They're huge.

295
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,520
Yeah.

296
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,240
They are quite big, aren't they?

297
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,160
Of course, they're not the biggest
life form on earth, as you know.

298
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,720
Hell no!

299
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,040
Sorry, are we doing
a "best of" show?

300
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,840
In some ways, it's the "worst of".

301
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,320
You two have had this conversation
like a million times.

302
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,240
What's the question again, Stephen?

303
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,680
Yeah, what sort of amelioration
for what sort of malady

304
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,240
could you expect, if you stood...

305
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,840
A cream, an ointment? Some...a balm.

306
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,120
No. No, this is...the act
of standing,

307
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,280
it's not something that's just
taken from a whale.

308
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,720
This is an example.
This is in 1896 or thereabouts.

309
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,680
This is an Australian...
Is that a dead whale?

310
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,400
A drunken Australian
found a dead whale on the beach...

311
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,760
Just say Australian,
you don't need to beleaguer.

312
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,760
I knew you'd say that.
Is that him there?

313
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,280
Yeah, that's him.
..and decided to walk into the whale.

314
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,080
That looks like something from
Embarrassing Bodies, doesn't it?

315
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,160
It does a bit.

316
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,160
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "I've put on
a little bit of weight."

317
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,880
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "I've fallen
into a bloody whale."

318
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,800
LAUGHTER

319
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,480
"I thought a blowhole
meant something else.

320
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,400
"I feel like a bloody fool now."

321
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,360
"I'll look for a malady
and ameliorate it."

322
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,760
Just the kind of language you'd use.

323
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,560
But no, he got out of the whale...

324
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:06,800
He got out, he stank.

325
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,640
..and was amazed to discover...

326
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:09,840
He could walk.

327
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,640
LAUGHTER

328
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,760
That his... He was sober.

329
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,840
..his rheumatism had disappeared.

330
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,440
We'd never have got that. We could
have been here about a week.

331
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,880
I know. That's why I helped you out.

332
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,400
Thank you so much.
So it cures rheumatism?

333
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,000
Well... But I mean, you can't
get them at the chemist, can you?

334
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,840
No, you can't.
It started a fad, though. People...

335
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,080
Would go and stand
in the middle of dead whales? Yeah.

336
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,720
And whalers would leave a hole,

337
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,440
a little, sort of, area
for people who would pay

338
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:37,240
and go and stand inside.

339
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,000
And the decaying blubber
would act as a kind of poultice.

340
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,960
Is there any kind of...?
I want to go now.

341
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,520
No. Total... No evidence
that it works at all.

342
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,080
But it was just one of those fads
that they had in those days.

343
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,240
What a fun fad. A fun fad.

344
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,800
These days we've got...
Imagine if the monocle people went

345
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,360
and they were standing there like,
"Oh, I'm all for a fad now.

346
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,240
"Here I am with my monocle,
sat in a whale.

347
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,840
"I'll do anything, me."

348
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,040
But rheumatism, what is rheumatism?
I don't know. No.

349
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,040
That's a very good answer.
Aches and pain.

350
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,680
Yes, pain in the joints
is often called rheumatism,

351
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,320
but it covers up to 200
different conditions

352
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,560
and rheumatologists are real doctors,

353
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,160
but rheumatism...
There isn't one rheumatism.

354
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,600
There are all kinds
of autoimmune things that happen

355
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,920
to affect the joints and the muscles.

356
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,000
And there are all kinds of things
people take for it

357
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,880
that aren't necessarily any use.

358
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,640
Copper bracelets, for example.

359
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,880
You can pay up to ã200
for a copper bracelet.

360
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:33,160
There was a rheumatologist who said,
"Yes, you can pay ã5 for one as well

361
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,840
"and you go just as green."

362
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,480
Well, yeah, that's it really.

363
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,920
Australians with rheumatism
had a whale of a time.

364
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,080
What would you find
in a medieval manhole?

365
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,800
Do they keep
their favourite things in it?

366
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,040
Do they bury them in case
of marauding pillagers?

367
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:55,040
Is it like a priest-hole?
Like a hidey-place?

368
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,400
Well, you really would
have to know about this...

369
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:01,960
I've never heard the phrase
"priest..." Priest-hole?

370
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,920
You don't have them in Ireland,
of course! Well, we kind of do,

371
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,960
but we don't talk about it.
No, the priest-hole would be...

372
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,680
You would hide your Catholics

373
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,600
in behind the fireplace
in a secret little... Priest-hole!

374
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,880
During the time of Queen Elizabeth,
Catholics had quite a hard time of it

375
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,520
and people who kept
their Catholic faith

376
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,960
had priests who came to minister them

377
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:25,520
and, in the bigger houses, they put
little holes, sliding panels,

378
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,560
tiny places for the priest to hide

379
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,600
in case the army came round
in order to arrest them

380
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,520
and to catch them
in the act of being all Catholic.

381
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,560
Yeah. So those were the
priest-holes.

382
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,240
They'd catch them
having loads of children. Yeah!

383
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,240
Wow, I'd never heard of that before.

384
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,280
We're actually
in the Germanic regions here.

385
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,800
Obviously, there was no Germany
in medieval times, but...

386
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,360
Is it access to drains?

387
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:51,280
Ah, no. It's a legal issue.
It's a rather bizarre one.

388
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,640
If a man wanted to take
another man to court,

389
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:58,200
in Germany and in England,
they used trial by battle.

390
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,840
This is from Game Of Thrones!

391
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,680
This is clearly
from Game Of Thrones.

392
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,360
In England, if a man wanted
to take a woman to court,

393
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,320
he couldn't use trial by battle.

394
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,680
But in Germany, you could,

395
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,920
but you had to dig a hole
and be inside a hole

396
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,920
and tie one arm behind your back...

397
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,480
LAUGHTER
Oh, yeah.

398
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:18,000
No way! ..and then you could fight.

399
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,200
Yeah. Yeah. I like that.

400
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:23,640
But what if you were fighting
Brienne of Tarth? Bring it back!

401
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,040
I feel like on this panel show,

402
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,040
I should be stood up like this
and all of you should be down there,

403
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,640
and I'm slashing around me jokes.
LAUGHTER

404
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,800
There were certain
other rules as well.

405
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,640
The man would be given three clubs

406
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,880
with which he could, you know,
try and hit the woman.

407
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,640
And the woman would have rocks
and a slingshot.

408
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,680
Now... Did this actually happen,
or...?

409
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,040
Yes. Oh gosh, yes. Really?

410
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,800
That should be surely be
the other way on.

411
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,640
He should have the slingshot
and the rocks,

412
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:50,840
if he's just stuck in a hole.

413
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,800
Yeah, I know. It's strange.
She can stand back quite a way

414
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,720
and just fire at him. With stones.

415
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,000
I imagine then, I suppose,

416
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,240
you can get right down in your hole,
can't you?

417
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,520
Yeah. And just go round like that,
with a club.

418
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,520
If the man touched
the side of his hole...

419
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,280
Oh, that's...
LAUGHTER

420
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,440
You know what I mean.

421
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,840
If he touched the side of the hole,
he forfeited one of his clubs.

422
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,160
Right.
And then he only had two clubs left.

423
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,640
But it's important to remember,

424
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,320
whoever lost the battle
would be put to death.

425
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,840
So this is quite a serious thing.

426
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,440
They've already sort of
dug the grave, so it's all right.

427
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,880
Yes, that's true. It's not as bad.

428
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,880
Pop them in there, fill it in,
we're done. Yeah.

429
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,080
That's extraordinary.
Isn't it? Yeah.

430
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,440
Yeah. Anyway...

431
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,960
That's what I love about this show,

432
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,000
that sometimes we can all just go,
"Yeah, fine."

433
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,280
Indeed. Perfectly lovely.
That's quite interesting, yeah.

434
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,480
Still on the medieval match-ups,

435
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,960
what brilliant new strategy
was employed by the England team

436
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,560
in the European Championships
of 1176?

437
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:52,720
Did they just do
what they always do -

438
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,960
get a really easy qualifying group?

439
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,000
And Scotland got, you know,

440
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,200
the Holy Roman Empire.
LAUGHTER

441
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,040
The Knights Templar and Spain.

442
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:06,080
And England...England get
Lindisfarne.

443
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,000
Did they... Did they dig holes?

444
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,320
And they stood in the holes and
waited for the other team to... No?

445
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,640
KLAXON BLARES
Come on!

446
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,480
APPLAUSE

447
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,280
This is medieval again,

448
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,360
and it's early medieval,
I suppose you might say.

449
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,240
It's not football, though, is it?
It must be another...

450
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,680
No, it's not football. Jousting?

451
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,400
Jousting came later.

452
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,200
What happened in early medieval...
They need more space for that.

453
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,240
..was that.

454
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,360
I know, they do, don't they?
It's rather crowded.

455
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,400
They're not getting enough
of a run-up.

456
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,800
Yeah. Before jousting,
the two with lances, you know,

457
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,160
riding towards each other,

458
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,360
there was something,
which was a French word

459
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:53,960
that we still use to mean
a kind of fray.

460
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,880
It begins with M. Menagerie.

461
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,840
Not a menagerie.
LAUGHTER

462
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,040
Menage a trois.

463
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,720
A European menage a trois.

464
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:07,160
Melee. Yes! A melee is what it was.

465
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:09,800
Well done.

466
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,600
The original cast of Avatar
in a melee.

467
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,840
And we're looking at
the 12th century,

468
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,480
and the great king then was...
Henry II.

469
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,920
Followed by his son, Richard I,
the Lionheart. Oh, right.

470
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,800
And they liked this melee when
Richard wasn't out at the Crusades.

471
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,840
"I like it." And...

472
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,960
"I do. It pleaseth me."

473
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:37,160
And they saw this very good trick
and they copied it.

474
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,600
And that is, you tell them
you're not going to fight today.

475
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,560
You know,
"I won't do the melee today."

476
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:42,720
And they go, "Oh, OK."

477
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,760
And then they exhaust each other. And
then you come with your lot saying,

478
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:46,920
"I think I will actually."

479
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,000
And they're all completely tired,
and you win.

480
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,920
What do you mean
they exhaust each other?

481
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,880
Well, because they're running
backwards and forwards at each other,

482
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,840
running and running.
This is how I do a menage a trois.

483
00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:59,560
I let them go for a while
and then I come in late.

484
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,280
They stole the idea
off Philip of Flanders

485
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,200
and it seemed to work pretty well.

486
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,800
The sport is called melee
and it's similar to jousting?

487
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:09,520
Well, the reason jousting then
took on,

488
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,480
as you can see from the picture,
this involves a lot all at once,

489
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,040
whereas jousting is cheaper.

490
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,640
Ah, I see. It's simply that.

491
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,760
It was so much cheaper to have that.

492
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,360
And you've got champions
at the jousting

493
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:21,880
who appeal to the ladies.

494
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,800
You know, the handkerchiefs
and the favours

495
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,560
and the rather extraordinary
elaborate form of romance.

496
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,800
It's kind of funny that
that would appeal to ladies.

497
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,560
It's kind of like the version now
for men for The Only Way Is Essex.

498
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,160
That you don't actually know
what someone looks like... Yes!

499
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,760
..because they've got so much
fancy stuff and extensions on.

500
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:39,760
You're like,
"Oh, he's gorgeous. Look at him!

501
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,200
"I really like the look of him."

502
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,800
Then he takes off his thing
at the end

503
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,520
and you're like, "Oh, God!

504
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:45,760
"Maybe I don't like him."

505
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,280
Going round in a miniskirt
with a massive pole in your hand.

506
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:49,920
Yeah.
LAUGHTER

507
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,320
The chicks go wild.

508
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:57,200
Well, the first rule
of knight club was to cheat.

509
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,520
Now, for a question
about moral turpitude.

510
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:04,160
What morally questionable activity
will you finally be able to do

511
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,280
on the streets of Knutsford in 2015?

512
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,080
Is the clue in the picture, Stephen?
Sort of, yeah.

513
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,760
Does it involve nuts?

514
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:14,000
No. Sadly not.

515
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,680
Does it involve bunting?

516
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,440
Nor bunting. And look lower down.

517
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,480
What is there particularly
noticeable?

518
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,920
Terrible shoes. Oh.
Look at them, oh.

519
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,720
Very bad shoes. Yeah.

520
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,120
The road. Pavement's... Parking.
Double yellow lines.

521
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,520
The pavement.

522
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,680
What about the pavement?
It's small, very narrow.

523
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,680
It's a very narrow pavement.
Thank you, Danny.

524
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,760
It is a narrow pavement.
You can't have that.

525
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,720
There's a reason for
the narrow pavement.

526
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,680
Because... Those two people
are massive.

527
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,080
LAUGHTER

528
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,400
In the olden days...

529
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:47,840
Yeah? A certain class of person
virtually ruled the roost in Britain

530
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,640
and that was an aristocrat.
Oh, the bastards.

531
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,440
Yes. Absolutely shocking people.

532
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,280
And you had to throw yourself into
the gutter if one approached you.

533
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,760
Well, sometimes they had strong,
stern and absurd moral views.

534
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,680
And... Oh, so they weren't allowed
to walk... Well, yes.

535
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,120
If you imagine... ..side by side?

536
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:06,600
ARISTOCRATIC VOICE: "I'm not having
the working classes

537
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,200
"next to each other in the street

538
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,640
"cos it can only lead to touching."

539
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,280
I know you think you're doing
a voice, but that is how you talk.

540
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,560
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

541
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,880
There's no difference.

542
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,240
Like a hair's breadth.

543
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,720
You are a beast.

544
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,400
Voicing the inner workings
of the mind.

545
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,040
So, you weren't allowed to walk
hand-in-hand with a lady?

546
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,440
You could just walk behind her?

547
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,920
Basically, yeah. I'm happy with that.

548
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:39,160
Well, Lady Jane Stanley,

549
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,880
who was the daughter
of the 11th Earl of Derby,

550
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:45,960
and she laid down this strict code
of... Single-file pavement...

551
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,560
Single-file pavements. ..in case
they touched one another.

552
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,920
Yes. She died unmarried,
as you might expect. Yeah!

553
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,720
She wrote her own epitaph,
apparently, which is,

554
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:59,120
"A maid I lived and a maid I died.
I never was asked and never denied."

555
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,440
I think that's not bad,
considering she was dead.

556
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,000
Yes, quite.

557
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,120
Fair enough.

558
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,240
But perhaps the most famous prude
of his era was a little later,

559
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,520
in the 1870s -
a fellow called Anthony Comstock.

560
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,880
Comstock was from New York

561
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:16,040
and founded a league
against lewdness of any kind.

562
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,440
He saw it everywhere. He hated it.

563
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:22,320
He'd been in the Civil War,
didn't like the swearing, apparently.

564
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,160
Yeah, that's the worst thing
about war. Yes, I know.

565
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,040
Especially that Civil War, you know?
I mean...

566
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,440
"They've blown my fucking leg off!"

567
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,680
"Now, now - language."

568
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,080
"I'm going to fucking kill you."

569
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,360
"Please, could you just kill me?
Thank you."

570
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:39,200
But the particular tragedy
that struck him in 1873,

571
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:40,280
after the war,

572
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,960
was a friend of his - who was
addicted to pornography - died,

573
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,440
supposedly having masturbated
himself to death.

574
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,360
LAUGHTER

575
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:52,040
There's a lesson in there, Jimmy.

576
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:54,280
I'm happy to report, Stephen,
that cannot happen.

577
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,480
You're just not trying
hard enough, boy.

578
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,080
HE LAUGHS

579
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:01,640
I thought you looked pale, Jimmy.

580
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:03,480
Comstock believed that anyway.

581
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,200
Yes, he founded the New York Society
for the Suppression of Vice

582
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,840
and for nine years in its height,
from the '70s to early '80s,

583
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:13,760
the society was responsible for
700 arrests, 333 prison sentences.

584
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,160
So, almost a 50% success rate
on its arrests.

585
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,720
And fines totalling 65,000,
which was a heck of a lot then.

586
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,120
The seizure of roughly 65,000
articles as well.

587
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:26,240
Articles for immoral use of rubber,
etc.

588
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,200
LAUGHTER

589
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,760
I saw some ancient pornography once.
Someone... There was a book...

590
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,640
Scraping the barrel that day,
were you?

591
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,040
"There's nothing left I haven't
seen!" No, no,

592
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,040
someone was writing a paper,
at college,

593
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,560
on the history of pornography

594
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,480
and it was kind of the earliest
pornographic sort of photographs

595
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:48,480
and it was just a guy standing...
leaning on a fireplace,

596
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:52,120
but clearly they had only had
their photo taken in certain poses,

597
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,520
so they thought, "Well, I guess
that's how photos work,"

598
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,400
so he had a pipe on

599
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,160
and all the usual porn stuff
was going on, but...

600
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:02,000
I think it's rather wonderful.

601
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,520
Are you sure you're not
describing the album cover

602
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,200
of Bing Crosby's Christmas Hits?

603
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,400
The X-rated version!

604
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,520
As late as 1927 they were still going

605
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,240
and they managed, reprehensibly,

606
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,320
to shut down Mae West's
Broadway play, Sex,

607
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,600
and had her imprisoned for ten days.

608
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:21,640
Really?

609
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,160
There was the Comstock Law,
which made it a federal offence

610
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:28,240
to send obscene matter - for example,
contraceptives - through the post.

611
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:31,800
It was finally overturned in '36
in the wonderfully named case of

612
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:36,120
United States versus
One Package of Japanese Pessaries.

613
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:39,360
LAUGHTER

614
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:41,280
The US was always going to
win that one.

615
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,600
It was, wasn't it? I think so.

616
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:47,280
I've never had...I've never had,
in 14 years,

617
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:50,120
people eating sweets
in the front row.

618
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:51,840
What the hell?!

619
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,840
And I can't think
about anything else.

620
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,520
LAUGHTER

621
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,240
Thanks, Jimmy.

622
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,920
You can have them back
at the end of the lesson.

623
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:12,720
I feel really bad for those people,

624
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,680
because, obviously, you're just sat
there watching an episode of QI,

625
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:17,720
and then suddenly
the telly gets up...

626
00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:21,320
LAUGHTER

627
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,000
..and nicks your sweets.

628
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,480
"I didn't press the red button,
what's going on?"

629
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,080
LAUGHTER

630
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,360
Anyway, what did the French do
with marmosets

631
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:36,040
that normal people did with cheese?

632
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:39,440
LAUGHTER

633
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,720
I have no memory of that whatsoever.
That's Alan!

634
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,840
Oh, we all remember
our student days.

635
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:49,640
Forget the marmoset.

636
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,440
Right, forget the marmoset. I say
"normal people" do with cheese?

637
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,760
What do we do with cheese?
I put it on bread or crackers.

638
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,480
Put it in the back of the fridge
for six months, then chuck it out.

639
00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:59,160
Think laterally.

640
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,360
Not the substance, not the food even.

641
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:02,800
What else is there?

642
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,600
Cheese. Oh, not...not on some
sort of, no...

643
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,160
No, don't. Oh, Jimmy.

644
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:09,720
Not the substance.

645
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:11,360
Not any substance at all.

646
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:14,280
Say "cheese". We say "cheese".
That's it! Thank you, Danny.

647
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,400
Thank you.
APPLAUSE

648
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:17,760
Very good.

649
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:20,640
So do the French say "marmoset?"

650
00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:22,480
They do. They say "marmoset"?

651
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:24,760
Well, they used to.
I put it in the past tense.

652
00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,600
That makes me go, "Oh, no wonder."
Cos that makes you go like this...

653
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:30,520
and that's what all French people
look like in photos, "Allo. Allo."

654
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:32,080
We have a Frenchman in the audience.

655
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,640
We have Vincent, who's come all
the way from la belle France,

656
00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:35,960
from la Republique. Bonjour.

657
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:38,520
Let's just listen to him shouting
marmoset in French.

658
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:39,680
Ouistiti.

659
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:41,440
Ouistiti. Brilliant, thank you.

660
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,240
And the point is,
we smile when we say the...

661
00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:52,080
Which titty? Which titty?
Which titty?

662
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,440
Ouistiti. This titty... Which titty?
..or this titty?

663
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:56,640
Which titty? This titty
or this titty? Ouistiti...

664
00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:00,800
Which titty? Which titty will make
you smile? Which titty?

665
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,120
It does make you smile,
just saying, "Which titty?"

666
00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:06,960
If you stretch your face
to say "ti-ti".

667
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:09,080
Titty. Titty.

668
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,120
As you do to say cheese.
Little titty, big titty.

669
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:12,160
Exactly.

670
00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:15,200
And other languages, of course,
have other words, or used to.

671
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:17,640
I don't think it... But people
Blue Steel now, don't they?

672
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,640
They Blue Steel it. They don't...
Well, there is that, unfortunately.

673
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:25,200
But do you know
of any other countries' words?

674
00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:27,840
Yes, the Danish... Yes?
Yeah, what? Yeah?

675
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:29,920
They say "orange".

676
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:31,880
Well, they don't say the word orange,
do they?

677
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,240
Well, I don't know what it is,
but I remember someone...

678
00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:36,800
It's the Danish for orange.
Do we have Danes in the audience?

679
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:38,520
There's one. Oh. You're Danish?

680
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,920
It sounds like apple, doesn't it?
Say, if you could...

681
00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:43,760
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Appelsin. Yeah,
there we go. AISLING: Appelsin?

682
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:45,640
A pussy?

683
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:47,240
Appelsin. Where titty, a pussy?

684
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,320
Which titty? A pussy. A pussy.

685
00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:53,920
This is... Europe is filth!
Europe is filthy.

686
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,600
And in various other languages,
we have Serbian,

687
00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,440
I don't suppose anyone. Well...
I don't think they smile in Serbia.

688
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:02,800
LAUGHTER

689
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:04,920
Do we have any Slavs in the audience?

690
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:06,360
No, we don't.

691
00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:09,560
"Little bird" in Serbian is ptica.

692
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:10,920
Tee-chee-tsa.

693
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:13,480
Tee-chee-tsa. It might be the same
in Russian, I don't know.

694
00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,840
Iticheetza!
LAUGHTER

695
00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:18,640
Iticheetza! Iticheetza!

696
00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:20,000
Iticheetza!

697
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:26,000
Honestly. Korean you might get,
cos it's their favourite thing.

698
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,720
Eating dogs.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Kimchi.

699
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:29,560
Kimchi. Nuclear. Kimchi, yeah.
Kimchi.

700
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:30,800
They love their kimchi.

701
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,520
Argentina and some other
Latin countries

702
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,960
is actually an English word they say.
Or Scottish.

703
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:38,680
A Gaelic word, I should say.
'Usquebaugh' means whisky.

704
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:40,320
Usquebaugh? Yeah, whisky.

705
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:42,600
Or water of life, isn't it?
Usquebaugh.

706
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,920
Ah, usquebaugh is the same in Irish,
in Gaelic as well.

707
00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,280
Except you put an 'e' in it
when you make it English.

708
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,600
No, we don't put an 'e' in it,
because that's really...

709
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:51,880
LAUGHTER

710
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:55,160
They did for one 48-hour period,
yeah.

711
00:31:56,240 --> 00:32:00,200
Bulgarian is... We don't have any
Bulgars in the audience, I'm sure?

712
00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:02,840
There's one! A Bulgar!
You're joking, really?

713
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:04,320
Is that what you say, a Bulgar?

714
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,320
You don't say you're a Bulgar?
Bulgarian?

715
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:09,120
AUDIENCE MEMBER: I am Bulgarian.
And what would you say if...?

716
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:12,320
We say "zele". Yes! Zele.
Which means?

717
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,640
Cabbage. Cabbage, yes. Cabbage.

718
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:16,640
Good, very good.

719
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,320
The sad thing is that
they've tended to die out.

720
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,560
Not because people do Blue Steel,
as you were saying,

721
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:27,840
but because the Americanisms
and British even,

722
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:29,280
they say "cheese" or "smile".

723
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,480
People go "hmmm"
and they just do it.

724
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:33,840
Isn't it sad? People saying smile,
how awful.

725
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:35,360
No, I didn't...

726
00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:37,560
I always wondered why
in old photographs,

727
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:40,240
like early 1800s and stuff,
they were never smiling,

728
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,960
and it's because the exposure
was two, three hours long,

729
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:46,520
so you can't physically... Wrong!
Oh, is that wrong?

730
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:47,920
Yes, but I'm glad you said it,

731
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:50,560
because we were just going to
come to that very thing.

732
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:53,160
You're an absolute natural
for this show!

733
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,240
No, it is a common misapprehension.

734
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:57,640
By 1845,
in the early daguerreotypes,

735
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:01,280
it was only a few seconds,
the exposure. One reason is...

736
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:03,720
At least five of them
look like they're dead.

737
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,520
Well, they are regarded as serious.

738
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,720
If you look at portraits in oils,
you know, paintings,

739
00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,680
Reynolds, Gainsborough and so on,
they don't smile. No.

740
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:13,480
The Mona Lisa smile? That one.

741
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:16,240
Exactly, her enigmatic smile,
it's what makes her a unique...

742
00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:17,760
That's very good, Aisling.

743
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:19,680
The lady on the far right there,

744
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:22,240
she was very good in
the Wizard of Oz, wasn't she?

745
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:25,960
Terrifying. She was, yeah.

746
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,000
To be honest, I wouldn't
be smiling if my parents

747
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,360
had dressed me up like that
for a photograph. I know, no.

748
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:33,960
But the word they said instead of
"cheese" turned out to be "prunes".

749
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:38,360
To make them look serious -
prunes, prunes. Prunes...

750
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,400
But anyway, what colour is a mirror?

751
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:45,280
Ah! Now, this is going to be
a trick. Come on, Danny.

752
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:48,040
Is it the colour of whatever
is standing in front of it?

753
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:52,400
No, you fool!
It's perfectly reasonable.

754
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:54,320
LAUGHTER

755
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,240
It's a perfectly
reasonable thing to say.

756
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:59,440
It would certainly reflect back
the colour of... It's just glass!

757
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,360
It's like a rainbow
because it's glass

758
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,680
and it is the accumulation
of light and...

759
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,840
and all of the colours
in a rainbow, but...

760
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:10,720
This sounds madder, but I feel
like I am right, but...

761
00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:12,600
"Oh, go to bed!"

762
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,760
Silver.

763
00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:16,960
KLAXON BLARES
Silver is not a colour.

764
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:22,320
Silver isn't a colour. Are mirrors
made of sand, aren't they?

765
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,840
Well, they are made of glass,
which is made of sand,

766
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,120
and the silvered backing,
whatever that might be that is used.

767
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:32,320
This silvery foil thing. What?
The what backing?! Silvered...

768
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,200
It's silver, but its colour isn't
silver, silver isn't a colour

769
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:37,800
because you can't make a silver
colour on a computer using...

770
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:40,560
Just because it's not on your
computer...! Silver is not colour.

771
00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:42,640
It's glass...
No? Silver is not colour, no.

772
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:44,720
Oh, I love this show!
It is good, isn't it?

773
00:34:44,720 --> 00:34:48,000
It's all of the colours, it's like
when the sun goes through a raindrop

774
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:50,400
and a rainbow comes out cos...
And all the colours...

775
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:53,000
Yes, you're absolutely
on the right lines.

776
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,160
I mean, anything you see
as a coloured object...

777
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,680
Like a tomato looks red

778
00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:00,800
because it takes in all
the colours of white light,

779
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:05,240
all the colours in there, EXCEPT
red. And therefore, the red... What?!

780
00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:08,200
Therefore, the red reflects back.
But red... Sorry.

781
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:09,960
The red is in there
with all the others,

782
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,400
but can't get through, as it were,
and comes out...

783
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:15,240
Don't let him into your mind.
It's like Scientology, the whole...

784
00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:19,120
No, that's how it works. So, a
mirror... How do Skittles work, then?

785
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:22,280
Sorry?
LAUGHTER

786
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,840
Taste the rainbow!

787
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:26,880
A mirror takes in all the colours,

788
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:31,120
but there is one colour
which slightly can't get in

789
00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:34,560
and you can only see that all mirrors
have a slight tinge of this... Green?

790
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:36,400
A vampire. Oh. Yes, green!

791
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:38,600
Literally, I was just going
to list the colours.

792
00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,360
Green is right
and you can see it there.

793
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,200
That is not coloured glass
of any kind.

794
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:43,520
You see it best in the effect of

795
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:46,160
a hall of mirrors - mirror on
mirror on mirror - so you're seeing

796
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:48,280
lots of mirrors together,
you see this tinge,

797
00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:50,320
that gets stronger and stronger,
of green.

798
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:53,720
Now, that is just pure glass
and pure mirror effect,

799
00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:56,400
but it seems green to us.

800
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,920
So if you are looking slightly
green in the morning,

801
00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:00,440
you can blame it on the mirror.

802
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:04,880
Now, why might blocking the middle
of a fire exit be a good thing?

803
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:06,440
♪ Mulberry bush. ♪

804
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:09,400
Cos it stops the fire
from getting out.

805
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,000
"Hold on!"

806
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:14,440
So, if everyone goes
for the fire exit at the same time,

807
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,200
they would cause...

808
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,000
It would get blocked
by the mass of people,

809
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:20,680
whereas if you had two lanes,
it's like motorway traffic.

810
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,720
If you block the middle, they would
go out sort of individually. Yes!

811
00:36:23,720 --> 00:36:26,400
And it would be better. You
are on the money, absolutely right.

812
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,480
It's an extraordinary thing.

813
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:32,840
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
We are a team!

814
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:34,480
They started it with ants.

815
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,760
I mean, they didn't start a fire,
but they had a single exit for ants

816
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:40,040
and they blocked
the middle of it

817
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:42,600
and they found that the ants
were slower,

818
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:46,240
but they all got out more quickly
and it seems to work with humans too,

819
00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:48,320
probably for exactly
the reasons you say.

820
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:52,640
Is that why they do those individual
doors in airports? Maybe it is, yes.

821
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,800
Those ones where it says,
"Keep moving,"

822
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:56,640
as you walk towards
the plate glass.

823
00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:59,680
But with aeroplanes, in order to have
a certificate of air worthiness,

824
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,480
amongst other things like making
sure the wings don't fall off,

825
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:05,280
you have to be able to evacuate
in 90 seconds.

826
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,720
No way! Because that is
the speed at which...

827
00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:09,360
LAUGHTER

828
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:10,920
When you say...

829
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:12,960
Stephen, when you say "evacuate",

830
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:15,360
it depends what they say
over the tannoy.

831
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,560
90 seconds is how long it would take
a fire to engulf.

832
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:21,960
That's helping(!) She is, yeah.
"Get off!"

833
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:25,720
When you do evacuate,
it's difficult to test, of course,

834
00:37:25,720 --> 00:37:27,720
whether you can get people off.

835
00:37:27,720 --> 00:37:31,320
How do you motivate them to get
off quickly enough? Do they pay them?

836
00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:33,600
Pay them.
So is it like the last guy off...?

837
00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:35,640
They basically give them
a monetary incentive

838
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:37,760
to get off as fast as possible.
They get a refund.

839
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:40,320
Well, no,
this is in the test situation,

840
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:43,000
you haven't bought a ticket,
you've been asked to test...

841
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:47,400
Oh, tests! The tests. "Get out in
90 seconds, I'll give you 20 quid."

842
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,800
Are you saying you would be
on a plane, it would be on fire

843
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:51,880
and they go, "We'll give you ã20
if you get off,"

844
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:53,120
and you go, "Make it 30..."

845
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:54,920
LAUGHTER

846
00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:58,280
"I'm holding out for more, love. It
is getting warm, but it's worth it.

847
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,280
"They'll put the price up."
Yeah, I'll be the last off.

848
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:05,920
So, now it's time to run screaming
into the disaster zone

849
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:07,520
that we call General Ignorance.

850
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:09,840
So, fingers on buzzers,
if you please.

851
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,360
It's Midsummer in the UK.

852
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:16,880
To the nearest hour,
what time does day become night?

853
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:19,840
About 10,
gets up again around 4?

854
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:22,800
KLAXON BLARES

855
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:26,480
So I was going to say 1!

856
00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:28,200
You were going to say 1?!

857
00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:30,200
KLAXON BLARES

858
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:35,120
You'll take that one!
I'll take that one!

859
00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:38,040
Is it... I'm only saying this,
there is no rationale at all,

860
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,880
but is it noon? It's always
something weird on this show

861
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:44,880
and you go, "Oh, no, it's actually
night-time in the middle of the day.

862
00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:47,600
"You're all idiots,
you've been doing it wrong."

863
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:49,680
In Midsummer,
there is no night in Britain.

864
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:51,760
There's no night.
There's no night, Danny.

865
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:54,360
LAUGHTER

866
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:59,800
It's constant twilight.
Oh, bollocks. It gets dark.

867
00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:03,120
Constant Twilight sounds like
a really good indie album. It does!

868
00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:05,280
Yeah, even as far south as Jersey,

869
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:09,480
twilight lasts between June 8th
and July 4th, without night.

870
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,160
And how do you define twilight?

871
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:14,960
Well, it's defined as the time
after the sun goes down, but...

872
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:18,240
When the vampires
and werewolves fight!

873
00:39:18,240 --> 00:39:19,920
Who will she choose...

874
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,640
while constantly looking
like she has just farted?

875
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:26,240
How? In the Twilight films.
You know Kirsten?

876
00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:29,360
She looks as if she has just farted
the whole time. Shall I?

877
00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:32,320
You look like you could
be one of the vampires.

878
00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:33,960
"Oh, my God, am I going to pick you?

879
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,400
"You're so cold. Can I touch you?
Are you even real?"

880
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,080
That's exactly the whole movie.

881
00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:42,040
The whole movie is her choice
between a half animal and a zombie.

882
00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:46,280
So Twilight lasts about...

883
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,280
lasts about six hours
if you watch all three of them.

884
00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:53,160
Twilight is defined as the time after
the sun goes beneath the horizon

885
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,760
but while there is still light
caused by the reflection

886
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:57,680
of the sun's rays
from the atmosphere.

887
00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,560
During summer nights,
even at 2am,

888
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,080
there is still a little
bit of light from the sun.

889
00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:05,920
When is the best time to
charge your mobile phone?

890
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:07,960
At night.

891
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:10,720
Well, good. Yeah, it might be.
Any other thoughts?

892
00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:13,000
Oh, really?
I thought that would go off!

893
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:16,680
You can't do it on Midsummer. No.
"There is no night, you fool!"

894
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:20,160
When it's completely
almost run out of battery.

895
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,080
KLAXON BLARES
Oh! Oh!

896
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:26,960
If you've got an iPhone,
it's every 15 minutes.

897
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,000
LAUGHTER

898
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,200
It used to be the case
with an old phone.

899
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,040
Nokia would go on for weeks.

900
00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:36,800
Yeah! Look at that beauty.
Bring 'em back!

901
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,360
That's like one of the most modern,

902
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,680
"Oh, it's not like it was
in the old days."

903
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:45,320
These phones of that generation
used what sort of batteries?

904
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,200
Lithium? Lithium.
No, nickel is the point.

905
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,960
And if you charged it
when it was 20% full,

906
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:51,960
it wouldn't remember the rest of it,
as it were,

907
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:53,320
it was called memory problem.

908
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:54,520
So, you had to drain them.

909
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:56,840
You had to use them completely,
so that it would charge

910
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:58,040
the whole battery.

911
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:01,720
But we use lithium now
and that isn't a problem any more.

912
00:41:01,720 --> 00:41:03,520
But here's a great thing
about batteries,

913
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:05,280
and I'm going to demonstrate this
to you,

914
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:07,120
and I think it'll be
rather interesting.

915
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:09,960
We're just talking about
ordinary AA batteries here,

916
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,600
whether or not they're charged or...

917
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:14,600
They have a thumb thing on them
now, don't they?

918
00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:17,040
I would, I would use...
Well, they did the thumb thing,

919
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:18,840
but they've got rid of that,
haven't they?

920
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:19,960
They never quite worked.

921
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:22,160
It was supposed to shine a...
go green or something.

922
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:24,400
Yeah, yeah, go green
and there was like a press thing.

923
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:25,960
I would attach it
to my nipple clamps

924
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,360
and see if it gives me a buzz
that I need.

925
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:29,520
Here are two batteries.

926
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:32,400
How can you tell which one is flat,
as it were,

927
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:33,920
which one is drained of power

928
00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:35,880
and which one is still powerful?
Try it on you.

929
00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:38,280
Some magnetic thing.
It's nothing to do with magnetism.

930
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:40,520
I'm going to slip them through
these copper sleeves

931
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:42,560
so that they're both facing
the right direction

932
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:44,160
and should both fall
at the same time.

933
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:46,960
So you can count me down from
three, two, one and drop, all right?

934
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:49,120
The whole audience can join in.

935
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:52,600
ALL: Three, two, one, drop!

936
00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:55,480
All right, let's have a look at that.

937
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:58,120
In theory, an empty battery
should bounce more.

938
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:01,280
AUDIENCE MURMURS
Oh!

939
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:04,600
And that is the case that this
is the one which has been drained.

940
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:06,520
It's to do with the gel
inside the batteries.

941
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,440
And when they're drained,
it's hardened and so it bounces more.

942
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:12,360
Should we do an apology now for
people breaking their mobile phones?

943
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:16,040
Presumably someone is at home going,
"Is this charged?"

944
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,000
You could try it with that.
Seems all right.

945
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:19,520
There you are, isn't that good?

946
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:21,840
Couldn't you just buy new batteries?
LAUGHTER

947
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:33,400
I just didn't think of that.

948
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:35,720
Right. Yes, the best time
to charge your phone

949
00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:37,440
is any time you can find
a power socket.

950
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:40,760
All of which brings us charging
towards a battery

951
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:45,040
of very extraordinary scores,
which will amaze and astonish you.

952
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:46,120
Not.

953
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:49,880
So, in first place,
what an extraordinary debut,

954
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:53,320
Danny Bhoy on ten points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

955
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,080
In second place,

956
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:03,000
half as good, but still brilliant,

957
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:04,480
five points to Jimmy Carr.

958
00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:06,520
I'm happy with that.
I'll take that all day.

959
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:08,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Five?!

960
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:10,880
That's good.

961
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,280
In third place, with -7,

962
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:14,720
it's Aisling Bea.

963
00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:17,520
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah!

964
00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:21,200
Who does that leave us, I wonder?

965
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:23,320
Well...

966
00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:26,800
-44 for Alan Davies!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

967
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:37,280
Well, that's all from Aisling, Jimmy,
Danny, Alan and me.

968
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:38,840
And I leave you with these wise words

969
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:41,960
from Pulitzer Prize winner,
Anna Quindlen.

970
00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:44,560
"Life is not so much about beginnings
and endings

971
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,480
"as it is about going on and on
and on.

972
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,320
"It's about muddling through
the middle,"

973
00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:50,920
which I hope we've done this evening.

974
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:51,960
Good night.
APPLAUSE