1 00:00:27,988 --> 00:00:30,628 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,628 --> 00:00:33,829 Goooooood.... 3 00:00:33,829 --> 00:00:38,138 ..rest ye merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry gentlemen, 4 00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:40,058 let nothing you dismay 5 00:00:40,058 --> 00:00:42,268 and welcome to the QI Christmas panto, 6 00:00:42,268 --> 00:00:44,278 with an evening of Merriment. 7 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,959 Let's see who's under my tree. 8 00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:49,883 It's Baron Hardup, Johnny Vegas. 9 00:00:53,949 --> 00:00:56,247 And here's Buttons Bill Bailey. 10 00:01:00,068 --> 00:01:02,400 Widow Twankey, Jenny Eclair. 11 00:01:05,668 --> 00:01:08,501 And a horse's arse, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:13,078 --> 00:01:16,788 So, let's hear your panto noises. 13 00:01:16,788 --> 00:01:18,118 Johnny goes... 14 00:01:18,118 --> 00:01:19,892 BUZZER: "OH, YES, IT IS." 15 00:01:21,268 --> 00:01:22,358 Bill goes... 16 00:01:22,358 --> 00:01:24,398 BUZZER: "OH, NO, IT ISN'T." 17 00:01:24,398 --> 00:01:25,428 Jenny goes... 18 00:01:25,428 --> 00:01:27,628 BUZZER: "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" 19 00:01:27,628 --> 00:01:28,998 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:28,998 --> 00:01:31,512 BUZZER: "WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS, MUMMY?" 21 00:01:34,198 --> 00:01:37,628 Good question. Have a sweet, dear. 22 00:01:37,628 --> 00:01:41,348 Right, now, I've sent you all a Christmas card and here they are. 23 00:01:41,348 --> 00:01:45,108 I've got one for Johnny. And one for Jenny. 24 00:01:45,108 --> 00:01:48,438 Thank you. One for Bill. And there's one for Alan. 25 00:01:48,438 --> 00:01:51,478 Thank you. Now, my question is quite simple - 26 00:01:51,478 --> 00:01:56,839 whose card is most like the first card ever sent? 27 00:01:56,839 --> 00:01:58,628 Well, mine's like that. Yeah. 28 00:01:58,628 --> 00:02:00,628 OK, well, I've got a robin. You've got a robin. 29 00:02:00,628 --> 00:02:05,238 A lovely cock robin. Cock - maybe. How do you know it's a cock robin? 30 00:02:05,238 --> 00:02:08,268 Er, well, um... 31 00:02:08,268 --> 00:02:09,709 I mean, I don't mean cock robin... 32 00:02:09,709 --> 00:02:11,119 Is that what Batman said? 33 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,548 That's terrible. ALAN LAUGHS 34 00:02:19,548 --> 00:02:22,278 He likes that - you like that, don't you? I like that. 35 00:02:22,278 --> 00:02:24,849 He's very pleased with himself. Have another sweet. 36 00:02:26,478 --> 00:02:28,558 Sorry? "How do you know it's a cock, Robin?" 37 00:02:28,558 --> 00:02:29,839 I didn't actually... 38 00:02:29,839 --> 00:02:32,428 "How do you know it's a cock, Robin?" 39 00:02:32,428 --> 00:02:34,998 So you've got the robin and the robin is certainly 40 00:02:34,998 --> 00:02:37,278 a traditional Christmas card picture and image. 41 00:02:37,278 --> 00:02:40,318 You've got a Roman statue? In a Christmas jumper. 42 00:02:40,318 --> 00:02:42,548 Which seems unlikely, though, of course, 43 00:02:42,548 --> 00:02:46,198 the Roman Empire had hundreds of years as a Christian empire... No. 44 00:02:46,198 --> 00:02:50,358 But you still... If it had been a Christmas toga, maybe, but no. 45 00:02:50,358 --> 00:02:52,278 That's not the original Christmas card. 46 00:02:52,278 --> 00:02:53,488 Well, fair point. 47 00:02:53,488 --> 00:02:54,928 You've got a little baby. 48 00:02:54,928 --> 00:02:57,442 I'm struggling to think this is the original. 49 00:02:58,868 --> 00:03:00,927 It's very close to my upbringing. 50 00:03:02,638 --> 00:03:06,558 But it's not... "I saw this and thought of you." 51 00:03:06,558 --> 00:03:08,478 Well, we saw that and thought of you, Alan. 52 00:03:08,478 --> 00:03:10,068 There we are. It does look a bit like me. 53 00:03:10,068 --> 00:03:11,428 It looks very like you. 54 00:03:11,428 --> 00:03:14,558 I would say that is Alan Davies, there. 55 00:03:14,558 --> 00:03:16,640 In a production of Puss In Boots. Puss In Boots. 56 00:03:18,918 --> 00:03:20,868 In 1916. 57 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,198 So was that the very first Christmas card? 58 00:03:23,198 --> 00:03:27,148 No, it wasn't, but we were just fascinated to see Alan in it 59 00:03:27,148 --> 00:03:30,428 and to see that you were working in panto then 60 00:03:30,428 --> 00:03:34,228 and wondered, you know, whether you had a good experience? 61 00:03:34,228 --> 00:03:35,959 Loved it. You loved it, yeah. 62 00:03:35,959 --> 00:03:38,228 It's demanding, cos it's five shows a day. 63 00:03:38,228 --> 00:03:39,959 Yes, five. That's what they always say. 64 00:03:39,959 --> 00:03:42,758 But financially, it's the best gig of the year, so... 65 00:03:42,758 --> 00:03:45,839 And can I say, I don't think we're getting the best out of my costume. 66 00:03:45,839 --> 00:03:47,198 Show the ladies and gentlemen. 67 00:03:47,198 --> 00:03:48,638 Look, I've got a tail. 68 00:03:48,638 --> 00:03:49,998 Hey! AUDIENCE: Hey! 69 00:03:49,998 --> 00:03:52,523 And I've got...I've got feet and everything. 70 00:03:53,688 --> 00:03:56,719 But it's all out of sight below the desk, Stephen. Yes. 71 00:03:56,719 --> 00:03:59,918 It looks like you're just wearing a pair of large grey trousers, 72 00:03:59,918 --> 00:04:01,589 for no reason at all. 73 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:04,438 They are retaining all the moisture, that's all I'd like to say... 74 00:04:04,438 --> 00:04:06,599 Is it a ventriloquist's donkey? It is now. 75 00:04:06,599 --> 00:04:08,788 Oh, yeah... "Happy new year." 76 00:04:08,788 --> 00:04:11,918 That's a scary-looking... "Rubbish Stephen, more points." 77 00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:13,908 You look like you're wearing boiler lagging. 78 00:04:13,908 --> 00:04:16,278 You do! You've been lagged. I've been lagged. 79 00:04:16,278 --> 00:04:19,628 All right, so yes, that was one Christmas card, it was 1916. 80 00:04:19,628 --> 00:04:21,858 I vote the robin as the early one. 81 00:04:21,858 --> 00:04:24,398 Robins were very early on Christmas cards. 82 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:27,348 It's probably the most common depiction of Christmas, isn't it? 83 00:04:27,348 --> 00:04:29,038 Do you know why they were common? 84 00:04:29,038 --> 00:04:32,688 Why were they considered a symbol of Christmas? Uh... 85 00:04:32,688 --> 00:04:35,558 What it is, is that when the first Christmas cards were delivered, 86 00:04:35,558 --> 00:04:38,438 they were delivered by postmen who wore red tunics 87 00:04:38,438 --> 00:04:40,508 and were known as "red breasts". 88 00:04:40,508 --> 00:04:42,508 Oh, yes. Robin red breasts. 89 00:04:42,508 --> 00:04:46,589 And so the sight of the postman coming up the path in the snow... 90 00:04:46,589 --> 00:04:48,078 ..was a harbinger of doom. 91 00:04:48,078 --> 00:04:50,719 ..was a harbinger of doom, of doom / Christmas. 92 00:04:50,719 --> 00:04:52,548 A harbinger of postal orders. Yeah. 93 00:04:52,548 --> 00:04:55,038 That's the most commonly accepted theory. 94 00:04:55,038 --> 00:04:59,508 What is also interesting is that in the last...20 years, maybe, 95 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:02,048 the number of robins on Christmas cards in Britain 96 00:05:02,048 --> 00:05:03,918 has declined enormously. 97 00:05:03,918 --> 00:05:07,137 Well, that's because that one looks like he's been doing Charlie. 98 00:05:09,589 --> 00:05:10,798 No, that... 99 00:05:10,798 --> 00:05:13,084 It just looks like he's been abusing drugs. 100 00:05:15,198 --> 00:05:16,495 BILL: It does, doesn't it? 101 00:05:18,438 --> 00:05:21,308 JOHNNY: He's the reason you can't get in a cubicle. 102 00:05:21,308 --> 00:05:23,408 Only you would notice, only you. 103 00:05:23,408 --> 00:05:26,228 I'm perhaps one of the last humans in Britain 104 00:05:26,228 --> 00:05:28,878 who use cubicles to have a poo. 105 00:05:28,878 --> 00:05:32,928 And at Christmas, the thought of a little robin red breast in there 106 00:05:32,928 --> 00:05:34,878 just going... HE SNIFFS 107 00:05:34,878 --> 00:05:37,085 HIGH-PITCHED: "I'll be out in a minute." 108 00:05:38,228 --> 00:05:40,768 ..whilst I'm touching Christmas cloth. 109 00:05:40,768 --> 00:05:42,048 Oh, gracious. 110 00:05:42,048 --> 00:05:43,868 BILL: # "Touching Christmas cloth..." 111 00:05:43,868 --> 00:05:46,438 HE HUMS TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS" 112 00:05:46,438 --> 00:05:49,048 This is already going slightly out of control. 113 00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:51,998 I think he's just... He's been at the Gold Top, that's all that is, 114 00:05:51,998 --> 00:05:53,928 he's been at the Gold Top on your doorstep. 115 00:05:53,928 --> 00:05:55,589 Yes, that's right. That's true, yes. 116 00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:59,678 I think the first picture on a Christmas card 117 00:05:59,678 --> 00:06:04,558 was a furious middle-aged woman scrubbing at a roasting tray 118 00:06:04,558 --> 00:06:06,908 with a think bubble coming out of her head 119 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:09,763 which reads, "The ungrateful shits!" 120 00:06:11,548 --> 00:06:13,668 It would be... it would be very accurate. 121 00:06:13,668 --> 00:06:16,589 I'll just finish my robin point, which was reasonably interesting, 122 00:06:16,589 --> 00:06:18,438 at least to me, if no-one else. Yes. 123 00:06:18,438 --> 00:06:21,698 And that is, that over the last ten years, 124 00:06:21,698 --> 00:06:24,318 the number of robins appearing in Christmas cards... 125 00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:26,768 YAWNING 126 00:06:26,768 --> 00:06:28,928 Over the last ten years, the number of robins 127 00:06:28,928 --> 00:06:32,518 appearing on Christmas cards has declined by a quarter. 128 00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:35,358 But the number of robins in Britain, as the real birds, 129 00:06:35,358 --> 00:06:37,719 has increased by nearly a half. 130 00:06:37,719 --> 00:06:39,719 Exponentially. Yeah. Oh, right. 131 00:06:39,719 --> 00:06:41,278 And the question of how you sex them, 132 00:06:41,278 --> 00:06:43,918 how you tell them apart, it's not easy at all. No. 133 00:06:43,918 --> 00:06:46,488 But it's something to do with the hairline they have there, 134 00:06:46,488 --> 00:06:48,278 where the red turns into grey. 135 00:06:48,278 --> 00:06:50,758 That one on the right is wearing Just For Men. 136 00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,438 It's said that if it's a kind of quite strong V, 137 00:06:54,438 --> 00:06:55,849 it's likely to be a female. 138 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,438 And if it's more of a U, it's a male, 139 00:06:57,438 --> 00:06:59,428 but even ornithologists find it difficult. 140 00:06:59,428 --> 00:07:03,518 No, it's very true, it's impossible. Yeah. So, we'll turn to Jenny. 141 00:07:03,518 --> 00:07:05,638 What did Romans do at Christmas time? 142 00:07:05,638 --> 00:07:07,278 Rome...? What did Romans...? 143 00:07:07,278 --> 00:07:11,558 Well, they would feast and fornicate and puke up afterwards. Exactly. 144 00:07:11,558 --> 00:07:14,719 Nothing's changed, really, over the years, has it? 145 00:07:14,719 --> 00:07:17,278 That's Christmas, basically. That's Christmas, yeah. 146 00:07:17,278 --> 00:07:20,918 Christmas tends to happen... Once a year. 147 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:24,278 Once a year. 148 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,118 Thank you. I'm trying to help. 149 00:07:26,118 --> 00:07:27,568 APPLAUSE You are. 150 00:07:27,568 --> 00:07:30,288 She can't get points for that. No points for that. 151 00:07:30,288 --> 00:07:32,368 You think that's too obvious? It's not for me... 152 00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:34,368 A perfectly legitimate point has been scored. 153 00:07:34,368 --> 00:07:37,198 Christmas is for life... All right. ..not just for... 154 00:07:37,198 --> 00:07:39,488 Oh, hang on, no, no. 155 00:07:39,488 --> 00:07:42,318 There are midwinter feasts - Christmas is one. Pagan feasts. Yeah. 156 00:07:42,318 --> 00:07:45,318 And the Roman one was Saturnalia. Saturnalia. Saturnalia, 157 00:07:45,318 --> 00:07:47,208 after the god Saturn. 158 00:07:47,208 --> 00:07:49,158 And there you can see... Oh, the debauchery. 159 00:07:49,158 --> 00:07:51,488 You can see him throwing up in the middle, in fact. 160 00:07:51,488 --> 00:07:53,638 We did that in the stockroom at Argos. 161 00:07:55,998 --> 00:07:57,998 At Christmas. 162 00:07:57,998 --> 00:08:01,358 But the card that is closest to the first card ever sent 163 00:08:01,358 --> 00:08:02,918 is Johnny's. 164 00:08:02,918 --> 00:08:06,038 Oh, the drinking baby. Baby with a drink? 165 00:08:06,038 --> 00:08:07,998 It was similar to the first card, 166 00:08:07,998 --> 00:08:10,928 which had a whole family with drinks, including a baby there. 167 00:08:10,928 --> 00:08:13,768 That's the original. JOHNNY: Let me get this straight. 168 00:08:13,768 --> 00:08:15,798 For years, I've thought that I was raised 169 00:08:15,798 --> 00:08:17,208 in an unstable environment, 170 00:08:17,208 --> 00:08:19,719 when actually my dad, every day, 171 00:08:19,719 --> 00:08:22,308 has just been trying to promote the original Christmas card. 172 00:08:22,308 --> 00:08:24,788 Yes, there you are, exactly. Exactly. 173 00:08:24,788 --> 00:08:26,599 JOHNNY LAUGHS 174 00:08:26,599 --> 00:08:29,428 It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, 175 00:08:29,428 --> 00:08:33,719 Royal... Royal Acad... No, now I'm going to have one of these moments... 176 00:08:33,719 --> 00:08:35,719 Royal Acadamadition. A Royal Acadamadition. 177 00:08:35,719 --> 00:08:38,288 A Royal Academician. ALAN BABBLES 178 00:08:38,288 --> 00:08:41,238 It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, RA. 179 00:08:41,238 --> 00:08:42,444 And he... 180 00:08:43,719 --> 00:08:45,278 Very good. Nice. Safe. 181 00:08:45,278 --> 00:08:47,308 And, as you see, it depicts a family 182 00:08:47,308 --> 00:08:49,798 all toasting Christmas and the New Year, 183 00:08:49,798 --> 00:08:52,428 including the toddler, there, in green, in front, 184 00:08:52,428 --> 00:08:54,998 and there's on the left a sign of feeding the poor, 185 00:08:54,998 --> 00:08:57,589 and on the right, a sign of clothing the naked, 186 00:08:57,589 --> 00:09:00,078 all the good things you should do on Christmas. Ah, yes. 187 00:09:00,078 --> 00:09:01,966 If you see any naked people, clothe them. Yes. 188 00:09:04,518 --> 00:09:05,928 Do not approach them. 189 00:09:05,928 --> 00:09:08,158 No. So there we are. 190 00:09:08,158 --> 00:09:13,008 Now, the Queen has a Christmas message, as do we. 191 00:09:13,008 --> 00:09:17,438 In fact, as we approach the end of series 13, 192 00:09:17,438 --> 00:09:20,758 it's time for us to reveal that every episode of QI, 193 00:09:20,758 --> 00:09:23,448 every single one, since the very first, 194 00:09:23,448 --> 00:09:27,958 has included a secret message which nobody has spotted. 195 00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:30,288 Where do you think it's hidden? 196 00:09:30,288 --> 00:09:31,960 Is it on your face? 197 00:09:35,168 --> 00:09:36,928 Have you just encrypted 198 00:09:36,928 --> 00:09:40,158 some of your delightful laughter lines into some...? 199 00:09:40,158 --> 00:09:41,368 Perhaps it's in Klingon. 200 00:09:41,368 --> 00:09:44,228 HE SPEAKS KLINGON 201 00:09:44,228 --> 00:09:47,288 Merry Christmas. It's not on my face. 202 00:09:47,288 --> 00:09:50,368 Is it in the credits or the theme tune? 203 00:09:50,368 --> 00:09:52,368 Theme tune. The theme tune? Ah! The theme tune. 204 00:09:52,368 --> 00:09:53,918 BILL: What? No! 205 00:09:53,918 --> 00:09:55,288 Yes. It's in code. 206 00:09:55,288 --> 00:09:58,078 What sort of code do you think it might be in? Morse code. 207 00:09:58,078 --> 00:10:01,589 Morse code is the right answer. No, really?! Yes. Yes! 208 00:10:01,589 --> 00:10:04,638 JENNY LAUGHS, APPLAUSE 209 00:10:08,568 --> 00:10:12,248 It was composed by the prolific Howard Goodall, 210 00:10:12,248 --> 00:10:14,849 whom people will know from Vicar of Dibley and Blackadder 211 00:10:14,849 --> 00:10:17,928 and many other theme tunes, as well as serious work, 212 00:10:17,928 --> 00:10:21,888 and his colleague, Simon Nathan, decoded this, 213 00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:24,729 and this is what it actually says. 214 00:10:24,729 --> 00:10:27,168 And that is actually a decoding of the... 215 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,368 HE KNOCKS ON DESK ..the long and the shorts, 216 00:10:29,368 --> 00:10:32,448 the minims and the crochets, if you like, in musical terms. 217 00:10:32,448 --> 00:10:37,568 And it does come out as www.alan0andstephenhero.com. 218 00:10:37,568 --> 00:10:40,888 And that...that is... 219 00:10:40,888 --> 00:10:43,798 I know, I'm sorry. I didn't... 220 00:10:43,798 --> 00:10:45,572 APPLAUSE 221 00:10:49,638 --> 00:10:52,168 BILL: He never told you. No... 222 00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:54,678 Years, you've been, like, in the stocks. 223 00:10:54,678 --> 00:10:59,088 Oh. Poor Alan. 224 00:10:59,088 --> 00:11:01,528 Well, I didn't know it until I was told either, Alan. 225 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:02,599 It's not my... 226 00:11:02,599 --> 00:11:04,328 A STUDIO LIGHT BLOWS Oh! My God! 227 00:11:05,888 --> 00:11:08,288 What happened there? What the hell was that?! 228 00:11:08,288 --> 00:11:09,849 It was a light. BILL: Was it a lamp? 229 00:11:09,849 --> 00:11:11,878 It might be a lamp. No, no, he's got a bad ankle, 230 00:11:11,878 --> 00:11:13,095 I'm just taking him out. 231 00:11:14,849 --> 00:11:16,648 I can't afford to keep him. 232 00:11:16,648 --> 00:11:19,438 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 233 00:11:19,438 --> 00:11:20,803 Wow. 234 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:25,118 I absolutely shat myself. 235 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,086 ABSOLUTELY shat yourself? My God. 236 00:11:28,648 --> 00:11:30,758 So where were we? Where were we? Where were we? 237 00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:34,808 Oh, we were with this, www.alan0andstephenhero.com. 238 00:11:34,808 --> 00:11:37,729 Yeah, let's move on from that. You might find, ladies and gentlemen, 239 00:11:37,729 --> 00:11:39,758 including panelistas, 240 00:11:39,758 --> 00:11:41,758 that that is a real URL, 241 00:11:41,758 --> 00:11:45,238 a real web address, that you can find a little QI Easter egg in 242 00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,308 if you visit it. 243 00:11:46,308 --> 00:11:48,731 Wow, if you've got nothing better to do with your lives. 244 00:11:50,018 --> 00:11:52,448 I think it's a jolly exciting thing to do with your life. 245 00:11:52,448 --> 00:11:53,648 Yes, it is, of course. 246 00:11:53,648 --> 00:11:55,320 BUZZER: "OH, NO, IT ISN'T..." 247 00:11:56,878 --> 00:11:58,208 So this... 248 00:11:58,208 --> 00:11:59,729 BUZZER: "OH, YES, IT IS." 249 00:11:59,729 --> 00:12:02,653 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew there'd be trouble. 250 00:12:06,938 --> 00:12:10,398 I mentioned to you that that hidden code was discovered by Simon Nathan. 251 00:12:10,398 --> 00:12:12,288 He's in the audience. Where are you? 252 00:12:12,288 --> 00:12:14,518 Is he wearing an anorak? There he is, over there. 253 00:12:14,518 --> 00:12:16,568 He's not wearing an anorak. APPLAUSE 254 00:12:16,568 --> 00:12:18,684 Well done. Thank you very much. 255 00:12:20,158 --> 00:12:21,448 There you are. 256 00:12:21,448 --> 00:12:26,828 Other TV shows have also hidden Morse code inside them. Have they? 257 00:12:26,828 --> 00:12:28,208 Yeah. Do you know of one? 258 00:12:28,208 --> 00:12:31,168 One quite well-known example, pretty obvious when you think about it. 259 00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:32,408 Loose Women. BILL: Morse. 260 00:12:32,408 --> 00:12:34,238 Morse. Of course. Morse, yeah. 261 00:12:34,238 --> 00:12:38,008 The composer, Barrington Pheloung, liked to... 262 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,938 Never! That's his name, yes. 263 00:12:39,938 --> 00:12:43,008 Barrington Pheloung, nice chap. Very nice fellow. 264 00:12:43,008 --> 00:12:45,088 He used to hide the name of the murderer very often 265 00:12:45,088 --> 00:12:46,528 in the opening... 266 00:12:46,528 --> 00:12:48,088 HE HUMS BEAT ..there. 267 00:12:48,088 --> 00:12:50,048 Yes. Wasn't it like this? 268 00:12:50,048 --> 00:12:52,248 Hang on, I've actually, look, look... Oh, hello. 269 00:12:52,248 --> 00:12:55,368 Right. It was like this, wasn't it? 270 00:12:55,368 --> 00:12:56,729 HE PLAYS NOTES 271 00:12:56,729 --> 00:12:59,609 Yes. He'd tap it out and then when the murderer appeared, he went... 272 00:12:59,609 --> 00:13:01,372 SINISTER MUSICAL STING 273 00:13:02,938 --> 00:13:05,758 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 274 00:13:05,758 --> 00:13:07,931 And you went, "That's him!" 275 00:13:10,018 --> 00:13:13,198 They never understood why everybody could guess the murderer, could they? 276 00:13:13,198 --> 00:13:16,198 Another one which used Morse might surprise you. 277 00:13:16,198 --> 00:13:17,648 It had titles that came over 278 00:13:17,648 --> 00:13:20,609 as a sort of ticker-tape kind of thing at the end, 279 00:13:20,609 --> 00:13:24,288 with a piccolo giving the tune of a famous sitcom. 280 00:13:24,288 --> 00:13:27,008 BILL WHISTLES 281 00:13:27,008 --> 00:13:30,008 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. 282 00:13:30,008 --> 00:13:32,678 That one. That one. Exactly. I'll stop whistling now. 283 00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:35,038 That was brilliant, you're right, that was the tune. 284 00:13:35,038 --> 00:13:37,198 And there's a building that gives off Morse code, 285 00:13:37,198 --> 00:13:38,808 a very famous building in Hollywood. 286 00:13:38,808 --> 00:13:42,078 How? Tapping it? Well, it's got a light flashing at the top. 287 00:13:42,078 --> 00:13:43,798 It's not sound. Oh, I thought it was... 288 00:13:43,798 --> 00:13:46,238 Because of course, Morse code can be visual as well. 289 00:13:46,238 --> 00:13:49,318 There it is. Capitol Records. It's like a stack of discs. 290 00:13:49,318 --> 00:13:51,968 And it flashes out this message here, 291 00:13:51,968 --> 00:13:54,489 "Hollywood", in Morse code - very simple. 292 00:13:54,489 --> 00:13:59,248 But in 2013, it changed to announce Katy Perry's new album Prism 293 00:13:59,248 --> 00:14:01,928 and its release date came out in Morse code. 294 00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:03,611 Nobody noticed. 295 00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:09,208 Not like the demographic of Katy Perry's fans, not... 296 00:14:09,208 --> 00:14:13,298 They're not really into Morse. I'm just...just saying, just saying. 297 00:14:13,298 --> 00:14:14,648 Bletchley and Katy Perry, 298 00:14:14,648 --> 00:14:17,398 there's no real cross-over, is there? Not really. 299 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,561 There's 200,000 fans sitting there with carrier pigeons. 300 00:14:23,098 --> 00:14:26,008 "If only I'd known it was Morse." 301 00:14:26,008 --> 00:14:30,479 In 2004, Morse code added its first addition since World War II, 302 00:14:30,479 --> 00:14:33,368 which is di-dah-dah-di-dah-di. 303 00:14:33,368 --> 00:14:34,938 See if you can guess what it is? 304 00:14:34,938 --> 00:14:36,729 It's an addition to the Morse alphabet. 305 00:14:36,729 --> 00:14:38,448 It's going to be a hashtag or an @ sign. 306 00:14:38,448 --> 00:14:39,888 It's an @ sign, well done. 307 00:14:39,888 --> 00:14:42,458 Exactly right, so that people can spot e-mail addresses. 308 00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:45,758 Samuel Morse invented Morse code, as you probably know. 309 00:14:45,758 --> 00:14:49,518 But do you know anything about him, other than that he was the inventor of Morse code? 310 00:14:49,518 --> 00:14:52,108 He had another job, which was rather interesting. 311 00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:58,128 He was a painter and he liked, or was commissioned, to paint... 312 00:14:58,128 --> 00:15:00,688 Dot-dot-dot, dash... ..to paint paintings... 313 00:15:00,688 --> 00:15:03,489 Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot... 314 00:15:03,489 --> 00:15:06,928 He wasn't a pointillist, but he was commissioned to paint paintings. 315 00:15:06,928 --> 00:15:09,848 It seems very odd, why would he be commissioned to paint paintings? 316 00:15:09,848 --> 00:15:11,850 Whoa! There's a fly on my hand! 317 00:15:14,838 --> 00:15:15,838 Argh! 318 00:15:15,838 --> 00:15:17,688 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 319 00:15:17,688 --> 00:15:18,689 Oh! 320 00:15:19,888 --> 00:15:21,458 Oh...! 321 00:15:22,568 --> 00:15:24,918 You've killed it, Alan! 322 00:15:24,918 --> 00:15:28,178 I never thought I'd get it in a million years! How could you?! 323 00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,168 It was just looking for somewhere to sleep 324 00:15:30,168 --> 00:15:33,248 and you just killed it, you...you brute! I'm so sorry. 325 00:15:33,248 --> 00:15:35,569 Never mind. Merry Christmas, everybody. 326 00:15:36,918 --> 00:15:38,489 Samuel Morse was a painter 327 00:15:38,489 --> 00:15:41,278 and he was commissioned to paint paintings. 328 00:15:41,278 --> 00:15:43,198 Paint paintings. Because he lived in an era 329 00:15:43,198 --> 00:15:44,758 when there were no catalogues. 330 00:15:44,758 --> 00:15:47,739 Of course. Of museums, for example. So he painted... 331 00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:51,198 The Argos catalogue. He painted one famous... 332 00:15:51,198 --> 00:15:53,968 He painted one famous painting, six foot by nine, 333 00:15:53,968 --> 00:15:58,739 of the most well-known exhibits at the Louvre Museum. 334 00:15:58,739 --> 00:16:02,248 So you could see them if you hadn't visited it. 335 00:16:02,248 --> 00:16:04,968 You can see the Mona Lisa, down there, famously. 336 00:16:04,968 --> 00:16:07,098 The best-known of... He was quite good, wasn't he? 337 00:16:07,098 --> 00:16:08,888 Yeah, he was. So as a sort of copyist... 338 00:16:08,888 --> 00:16:11,118 Yeah. To give you an idea of what was in the museum, 339 00:16:11,118 --> 00:16:14,818 the best-known ones there, if you didn't have a chance of getting to Paris, for example. 340 00:16:14,818 --> 00:16:17,248 So next time you think of Samuel Morse, 341 00:16:17,248 --> 00:16:19,638 you can think of that as well as the dots and dashes. Oh. 342 00:16:19,638 --> 00:16:23,328 I will - I'll think of him as...as a public spirited... 343 00:16:23,328 --> 00:16:25,729 I think that's genuinely interesting. Thank you. 344 00:16:25,729 --> 00:16:28,408 Yes. That's all we hope for. Good. 345 00:16:28,408 --> 00:16:30,729 So by that logic, he invented the internet? 346 00:16:37,848 --> 00:16:39,378 He didn't. He didn't? No. 347 00:16:39,378 --> 00:16:41,744 BILL: Wait, the fly's coming back to life! 348 00:16:44,098 --> 00:16:45,278 Hold that thought, though. 349 00:16:45,278 --> 00:16:47,558 I have to hold these thoughts, I have nothing else. 350 00:16:47,558 --> 00:16:49,248 No, they're good thoughts. Thank you. 351 00:16:49,248 --> 00:16:51,258 Anyway... We'll move on, we'll move on. 352 00:16:51,258 --> 00:16:52,489 And we may come back to that. 353 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,252 I very much doubt it, but we may. 354 00:16:56,688 --> 00:17:00,739 Describe the plot of, or sing a song from the popular musical, 355 00:17:00,739 --> 00:17:02,468 "The Bathrooms Are Coming". 356 00:17:04,568 --> 00:17:07,288 # The bathrooms are coming 357 00:17:07,288 --> 00:17:09,131 # Thank God, I need a shit! # 358 00:17:10,338 --> 00:17:12,609 Nice. Bill, can you do me 359 00:17:12,609 --> 00:17:15,568 CISTERNS Are Doing It For Themselves? 360 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,809 Oh, very good. APPLAUSE 361 00:17:19,458 --> 00:17:22,648 # The bathrooms are coming Lock up your pipes 362 00:17:22,648 --> 00:17:26,128 # The bathrooms are coming Where are your knives? 363 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:29,278 # Kill, kill, kill them They'll be coming 364 00:17:29,278 --> 00:17:30,988 # Kill them, kill them 365 00:17:30,988 --> 00:17:33,808 # The bathrooms are coming for your lives... # 366 00:17:33,808 --> 00:17:35,628 AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG 367 00:17:35,628 --> 00:17:38,005 # They're coming for your souls... # 368 00:17:40,198 --> 00:17:43,898 # I've had it installed now 369 00:17:43,898 --> 00:17:46,981 # And there's nothing to pay till September 370 00:17:50,568 --> 00:17:55,818 # I'm on an HP high 371 00:17:55,818 --> 00:18:00,369 # And ain't no debt collector ever gonna bring me down 372 00:18:01,638 --> 00:18:04,558 # Water may be very hot 373 00:18:04,558 --> 00:18:08,458 # Don't let the grout go mouldy on me... # 374 00:18:08,458 --> 00:18:10,380 APPLAUSE 375 00:18:12,898 --> 00:18:14,378 It was country and western. 376 00:18:14,378 --> 00:18:15,998 BILL PLAYS A TUNE 377 00:18:15,998 --> 00:18:18,778 If you're going to do country and western, it'll be... 378 00:18:18,778 --> 00:18:23,090 # Fixed shower head, driving me wild 379 00:18:24,739 --> 00:18:29,824 # Can't find my crevices no matter how hard I tried 380 00:18:31,098 --> 00:18:33,328 # I'm going to put my leg up... # No, don't! 381 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,185 # Pull my junk to the side... # Oh...! 382 00:18:39,278 --> 00:18:41,348 BILL PLAYS AN END NOTE 383 00:18:42,568 --> 00:18:44,098 Thank you. 384 00:18:44,098 --> 00:18:47,248 Well, that was a big surprise, thank you very much. 385 00:18:47,248 --> 00:18:49,928 Do you know what that might be? The Bathrooms Are Coming? 386 00:18:49,928 --> 00:18:52,808 The Bathrooms Are Coming? Written by a Broadway musical composer. 387 00:18:52,808 --> 00:18:54,248 But not for Broadway. 388 00:18:54,248 --> 00:18:57,568 Was it a bathroom company? A commercial or something? 389 00:18:57,568 --> 00:19:00,088 Yes. American Standard, they were called, 390 00:19:00,088 --> 00:19:03,978 and this was one of many, many, many industrial musicals, 391 00:19:03,978 --> 00:19:06,818 which had their heyday in between 1950 and 1980, 392 00:19:06,818 --> 00:19:08,538 30 years of exciting musicals 393 00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:12,898 for conventions of various companies and their salesmen, all over America. 394 00:19:12,898 --> 00:19:16,328 And they would write specialist musicals just for the salesmen, 395 00:19:16,328 --> 00:19:18,978 just for the conventioners, not for the members of the public. 396 00:19:18,978 --> 00:19:22,008 But they had big budgets and they were written by Broadway, 397 00:19:22,008 --> 00:19:24,619 serious Broadway composers, who hid their names, I think. 398 00:19:24,619 --> 00:19:27,609 Yeah. But that's an example of one, The Bathrooms Are Coming. 399 00:19:27,609 --> 00:19:30,818 An original musical, presented by American Standard, as you can see. 400 00:19:30,818 --> 00:19:32,619 The Sound of Selling. 401 00:19:32,619 --> 00:19:36,208 B F Goodrich's 1966 sales meeting musical. 402 00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:37,448 Isn't that exciting? 403 00:19:37,448 --> 00:19:39,978 The Saga of the Dingbat. The Saga of the Dingbat? 404 00:19:39,978 --> 00:19:42,178 This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Isn't it? 405 00:19:42,178 --> 00:19:45,098 Truly astonishing. Mental, innit? These were huge. What's going on? 406 00:19:45,098 --> 00:19:48,178 Well, when it started in the '50s, by about 1955, 407 00:19:48,178 --> 00:19:50,928 America... ..had gone mad. 408 00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:52,818 ..made two-thirds of the world's goods. 409 00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:55,609 Two-thirds of manufacturing industry in the world was American. 410 00:19:55,609 --> 00:19:56,768 Was this at the height of, 411 00:19:56,768 --> 00:19:59,808 "This week's show was brought to you by Lorimar cigarettes..."? 412 00:19:59,808 --> 00:20:02,078 There was all that sponsorship going on... Yeah. 413 00:20:02,078 --> 00:20:04,538 ..on the Ed Sullivan Show and things like that, yeah. 414 00:20:04,538 --> 00:20:07,008 So wait, hang on, if you want to hang on a second. Excellent! 415 00:20:07,008 --> 00:20:09,638 # If you've a hankering for knowledge 416 00:20:09,638 --> 00:20:11,928 # But can't be arsed with college 417 00:20:11,928 --> 00:20:16,538 # Then this is the show for you. # Something like that, I don't know. 418 00:20:16,538 --> 00:20:17,609 Yeah. That's the one! 419 00:20:17,609 --> 00:20:19,078 That's the QI show. APPLAUSE 420 00:20:19,078 --> 00:20:23,818 # This really Quite Interesting show! # 421 00:20:23,818 --> 00:20:26,458 Something like that. Yes, The Quite Interesting Show. 422 00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:28,460 We've got our own musical. APPLAUSE 423 00:20:31,258 --> 00:20:32,468 Thank you, Bill. 424 00:20:32,468 --> 00:20:35,609 # Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan 425 00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:38,288 # Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan I'm aghast! # 426 00:20:38,288 --> 00:20:41,369 LAUGHTER # And he's won! No, he's last. # 427 00:20:41,369 --> 00:20:42,347 You know. 428 00:20:43,998 --> 00:20:46,058 We could, we could do this, I don't know, 429 00:20:46,058 --> 00:20:48,728 Iike funded by some kind of light bulb company... Yeah. 430 00:20:48,728 --> 00:20:51,698 LAUGHTER ..and put it on ice. 431 00:20:51,698 --> 00:20:53,058 Yes. Yes! 432 00:20:53,058 --> 00:20:54,648 Don't need to skate properly - 433 00:20:54,648 --> 00:20:57,412 just skate out, deliver your lines and skate off. 434 00:20:59,328 --> 00:21:02,898 QI on Ice. On Ice. Q Ice! Just, just... 435 00:21:02,898 --> 00:21:06,258 Stephen, don't look at your cards, think about it just for a second. 436 00:21:06,258 --> 00:21:08,648 Please! Quite pleased with that - Q Ice. 437 00:21:08,648 --> 00:21:12,048 We've got reality shows filling arenas, QI on Ice. 438 00:21:12,048 --> 00:21:14,248 Do you think that would work? I think so. No. 439 00:21:14,248 --> 00:21:16,728 I would... Wouldn't you pay to see yourself...? 440 00:21:16,728 --> 00:21:18,768 Would I pay to see myself on ice? 441 00:21:18,768 --> 00:21:19,998 Skate out... LAUGHTER 442 00:21:19,998 --> 00:21:22,698 BILL: In a horse costume! In a horse costume! 443 00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:26,178 No, I will not part with any money under any circumstances. Come on! 444 00:21:26,178 --> 00:21:27,179 So... 445 00:21:28,359 --> 00:21:31,438 QI on Ice, just think about it, just overnight, 446 00:21:31,438 --> 00:21:33,288 don't write it off straight away. 447 00:21:33,288 --> 00:21:35,848 I'll put it on... on ice. 448 00:21:35,848 --> 00:21:37,359 LAUGHTER So... 449 00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:39,248 Here are some lines from musicals, 450 00:21:39,248 --> 00:21:42,168 in this golden era of the industrial musical, as it was called, 451 00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:44,658 and you have to tell me who the company was, really. 452 00:21:44,658 --> 00:21:48,369 Go on. "I can sell a wiener! My school..." Sausages! 453 00:21:48,369 --> 00:21:49,779 Yes, wieners are sausages. 454 00:21:51,058 --> 00:21:53,369 But it goes a little further, you see. Oh, I see. 455 00:21:53,369 --> 00:21:56,268 "My school supplies are cleaner! I sell candy!" 456 00:21:56,268 --> 00:21:58,898 So, OK, can sell a sausage and candy? Wal-Mart. 457 00:21:58,898 --> 00:22:01,648 Wal-Mart. You're in the right area, it's a very well-known brand, 458 00:22:01,648 --> 00:22:04,728 sells things, from early in the morning to quite late at night. 459 00:22:04,728 --> 00:22:08,008 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven is the right answer. That was a good clue! 460 00:22:08,008 --> 00:22:11,298 Well, you know... That was a bit of a hint, wasn't it? I was helping you. 461 00:22:11,298 --> 00:22:14,438 This one you won't necessarily know the name of the company, but it's, 462 00:22:14,438 --> 00:22:18,728 "Any cola tastes so much colier. Holy water is somewhat holier." 463 00:22:18,728 --> 00:22:21,138 They weren't trying, really, then, were they? No! 464 00:22:21,138 --> 00:22:22,178 LAUGHTER 465 00:22:22,178 --> 00:22:24,728 Something that contains liquids. Very much phoning it in! 466 00:22:24,728 --> 00:22:27,369 It's the Scott paper cup company, that's what it is. Oh, right. 467 00:22:27,369 --> 00:22:29,288 This one is weird, because it makes Mad Men 468 00:22:29,288 --> 00:22:33,288 Iook positively modern in its attitude towards women and bosses. 469 00:22:33,288 --> 00:22:37,998 "Though our boss never beats us, for that he'd never do 470 00:22:37,998 --> 00:22:42,609 "It always looks as though he does 'cause we are black and blue. 471 00:22:42,609 --> 00:22:45,328 "With ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons!" 472 00:22:45,328 --> 00:22:47,078 Typewriters, typewriters, isn't it? 473 00:22:47,078 --> 00:22:49,538 Monroe Calculators. Oh! Yeah. 474 00:22:49,538 --> 00:22:52,978 "I really enjoyed my appendectomy. Loved my hysterectomy." 475 00:22:52,978 --> 00:22:54,900 LAUGHTER 476 00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,338 Um... BUPA? 477 00:22:58,338 --> 00:23:03,619 It's Surg-O- Pack, who are disposable surgical implements and so on. Right. 478 00:23:03,619 --> 00:23:07,369 Implying that you sort of did it yourself, really, sort of... Yeah! 479 00:23:07,369 --> 00:23:10,458 Exactly. "I gave myself a lovely hysterectomy." 480 00:23:10,458 --> 00:23:12,978 Yes, I draw it on - how hard can it be? Yeah. 481 00:23:12,978 --> 00:23:16,778 Well, there you are. Industrial musicals were made to motivate. 482 00:23:16,778 --> 00:23:19,099 Whose music do cats like best? 483 00:23:20,738 --> 00:23:25,858 Um, is he, that cat, listening to Purr-ple Rain perhaps? 484 00:23:25,858 --> 00:23:27,448 GROANING Purr-ple Rain! 485 00:23:27,448 --> 00:23:31,088 You've made a cat joke! I liked it. No, no, good. 486 00:23:31,088 --> 00:23:32,698 It looks like he's in Old Smokey, 487 00:23:32,698 --> 00:23:35,978 he looks like he's in an electric chair being... Oh! 488 00:23:35,978 --> 00:23:37,698 LAUGHTER 489 00:23:37,698 --> 00:23:40,648 Sparky, I think, rather than Smokey, wasn't it? 490 00:23:40,648 --> 00:23:43,448 They're electrocuting that cat. He's not listening to anything. 491 00:23:43,448 --> 00:23:47,158 Is it jazz? Is it...? No. Well, not jazz, actually. 492 00:23:47,158 --> 00:23:49,258 Perhaps unsurprisingly, 493 00:23:49,258 --> 00:23:53,208 cats are not that interested in human music of any kind. 494 00:23:53,208 --> 00:23:56,369 They're pretty much indifferent to it. Really? Yeah. 495 00:23:56,369 --> 00:23:59,718 But they do like music specially composed for them. 496 00:23:59,718 --> 00:24:01,638 Do they like birdsong? Cat music is... 497 00:24:01,638 --> 00:24:05,978 Well, it sounds like mouse and bird and indeed cat sounds. 498 00:24:05,978 --> 00:24:07,707 SOFT MUSIC PLAYS 499 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:13,018 These are cats enjoying themselves, are they? Yeah. 500 00:24:13,018 --> 00:24:15,528 Wow. Not being tormented? 501 00:24:15,528 --> 00:24:18,178 No! No cats were tormented in the making of this sequence. 502 00:24:18,178 --> 00:24:20,448 If you listen to the music... It's quite lovely. 503 00:24:20,448 --> 00:24:22,268 PIANO TINKLING 504 00:24:22,268 --> 00:24:25,778 It has slight calls and slight birds and purring things. It's got hums. 505 00:24:25,778 --> 00:24:28,648 Yeah, cat noises in it as well. MUSIC CONTINUES 506 00:24:28,648 --> 00:24:32,858 Yeah, but is it true that cats don't meow to other cats, only to humans? 507 00:24:32,858 --> 00:24:34,288 BIRDSONG ON MUSIC 508 00:24:34,288 --> 00:24:35,898 LAUGHTER 509 00:24:35,898 --> 00:24:38,978 I don't know. I'm being genuine! I was told this. No, I'm fascinated! 510 00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:41,088 I don't know. I'll go along with that! Yeah, yeah? 511 00:24:41,088 --> 00:24:43,128 I've had cats and then, you don't see them meow. 512 00:24:43,128 --> 00:24:45,369 They just kind of hiss, they just grunt. Yeah. 513 00:24:45,369 --> 00:24:47,168 Their body language says enough. 514 00:24:47,168 --> 00:24:49,688 They hiss if they're fighting. They go up very close to them 515 00:24:49,688 --> 00:24:52,619 and going, "Yeah, you get the food, I'll go out the back." Yeah. 516 00:24:52,619 --> 00:24:55,528 They're just whispering and hissing and all sorts of other noises. 517 00:24:55,528 --> 00:24:57,418 Yeah, but it's only with humans 518 00:24:57,418 --> 00:25:00,239 that they go, "Meow." Yeah. "Meow." You're right. 519 00:25:00,239 --> 00:25:01,978 Younger cats are more receptive 520 00:25:01,978 --> 00:25:04,158 to that sort of music than middle-aged ones, 521 00:25:04,158 --> 00:25:07,128 and, some like it so much, they rub their faces against the speakers. 522 00:25:07,128 --> 00:25:09,878 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw! They get very, very excited by it. 523 00:25:09,878 --> 00:25:12,258 The same cat music composer... Well, we've all done that! 524 00:25:12,258 --> 00:25:15,088 ..is working with the Smithsonian National Zoo 525 00:25:15,088 --> 00:25:19,379 on cotton-top tamarins... Aw! ..who like silence more than music. 526 00:25:19,379 --> 00:25:21,578 How do they get the funding? Yes! 527 00:25:21,578 --> 00:25:23,178 LAUGHTER 528 00:25:23,178 --> 00:25:26,578 But isn't...? Shouldn't there be a cut-off point where you're suddenly 529 00:25:26,578 --> 00:25:29,448 going, "Oh, the cat doesn't like my music, I'll change my music." 530 00:25:29,448 --> 00:25:32,738 And then, you go, "Well, the cat can't work my cooker." 531 00:25:32,738 --> 00:25:35,249 I'll devise a cooker that the cat can use. Yeah. 532 00:25:35,249 --> 00:25:38,288 And then, essentially, you end up living in the cat's house. 533 00:25:38,288 --> 00:25:39,379 LAUGHTER 534 00:25:39,379 --> 00:25:43,338 And you're sitting there on a bed of dead robins, 535 00:25:43,338 --> 00:25:47,888 wondering why they don't feature on Christmas cards any more. 536 00:25:47,888 --> 00:25:52,088 Isn't there a point where we should maintain the human/pet relationship? 537 00:25:52,088 --> 00:25:55,168 You're right, you've painted a nightmare scenario there. 538 00:25:55,168 --> 00:25:58,018 Well, I just don't know how big the roof will be. 539 00:25:58,018 --> 00:26:01,298 No! No none of us, none of us does. LAUGHTER 540 00:26:01,298 --> 00:26:04,538 Um... When you come home and you go through a flap, 541 00:26:04,538 --> 00:26:06,088 you know it's gone too far. 542 00:26:06,088 --> 00:26:07,464 LAUGHTER 543 00:26:08,808 --> 00:26:10,808 Anyway, cats prefer their own music 544 00:26:10,808 --> 00:26:13,698 to Atomic Kitten or Cat Stevens. JENNY LAUGHS 545 00:26:13,698 --> 00:26:16,888 Now time for a short interval. Who wants an ice cream? 546 00:26:16,888 --> 00:26:19,888 Yes, please. Me, me, pick me. Oh, there we are. Yeah, go on. 547 00:26:19,888 --> 00:26:21,088 There, take a couple. 548 00:26:21,088 --> 00:26:23,728 We've got some left over, of course. Thank you very much. Wow! 549 00:26:23,728 --> 00:26:27,448 There you go. Johnny? Oh, yes, please. Thank you, my love. 550 00:26:27,448 --> 00:26:30,218 Chocolate, I've got chocolate, I don't really like chocolate. 551 00:26:30,218 --> 00:26:32,808 I've got raisin, I don't like raisin. Do you want to swap? Yes. 552 00:26:32,808 --> 00:26:34,938 No, I'd like vanilla, please. Oh? 553 00:26:34,938 --> 00:26:36,509 LAUGHTER Do you like chocolate? 554 00:26:36,509 --> 00:26:38,888 Do you want to swap? Yes! You can have another flavour. 555 00:26:38,888 --> 00:26:41,808 I've got strawberry. That'll do me! All right. 556 00:26:41,808 --> 00:26:43,528 Oh, you already had a bit! Yes! 557 00:26:43,528 --> 00:26:45,808 LAUGHTER 558 00:26:45,808 --> 00:26:48,528 How else would I know I didn't like it!? 559 00:26:48,528 --> 00:26:51,543 Well, do what I did - just sniff it and lick it. Don't do that! 560 00:26:53,858 --> 00:26:57,058 People who sniff... Don't take a lump out! 561 00:26:57,058 --> 00:27:00,608 You must have very warm hands, cos this is already melted! 562 00:27:00,608 --> 00:27:02,988 I'm having a hot flush! 563 00:27:02,988 --> 00:27:05,528 APPLAUSE It's one of my super-powers! 564 00:27:05,528 --> 00:27:07,808 Mine's turned into a slushy! Yes! 565 00:27:07,808 --> 00:27:10,499 You're going to a dinner party and they've forgotten to get 566 00:27:10,499 --> 00:27:13,058 the ice cream out of the freezer, just hold it against my neck! 567 00:27:13,058 --> 00:27:16,088 LAUGHTER And it's spoon soft in seconds! 568 00:27:16,088 --> 00:27:18,168 Well, there's barely any... THEY BOTH SHOUT 569 00:27:18,168 --> 00:27:20,848 LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT 570 00:27:20,848 --> 00:27:23,288 Right... I don't want to do this in front of Stephen. No. 571 00:27:23,288 --> 00:27:26,369 But the next time we're having ice cream, just... 572 00:27:26,369 --> 00:27:28,608 LAUGHTER 573 00:27:28,608 --> 00:27:32,374 Don't have her on my team! Do you have any HRT-flavoured ice cream? 574 00:27:34,008 --> 00:27:36,249 No, this is delicious. Thank you very much. Good. 575 00:27:36,249 --> 00:27:38,898 This is what I think life will be like in a nursing home. 576 00:27:38,898 --> 00:27:40,938 LOUD LAUGHTER 577 00:27:40,938 --> 00:27:42,538 APPLAUSE Anyway... 578 00:27:42,538 --> 00:27:44,348 What flavour have you got?! 579 00:27:44,348 --> 00:27:46,888 Bingo! So what was the biggest nuisance 580 00:27:46,888 --> 00:27:50,499 in the Victorian theatre? I like peas! I had a fly in mine. 581 00:27:50,499 --> 00:27:53,098 What was the biggest nuisance...? I've got to tell this. 582 00:27:53,098 --> 00:27:55,658 What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 583 00:27:55,658 --> 00:27:58,818 No... What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 584 00:27:58,818 --> 00:28:00,778 APPLAUSE Please! 585 00:28:00,778 --> 00:28:05,348 SHOUTS: What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 586 00:28:05,348 --> 00:28:09,148 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 587 00:28:12,018 --> 00:28:13,778 Yeah? 588 00:28:13,778 --> 00:28:15,418 Any thoughts? 589 00:28:15,418 --> 00:28:17,138 Ice-cream? 590 00:28:17,138 --> 00:28:19,778 I, genuinely... Don't worry, you don't need to press them. 591 00:28:19,778 --> 00:28:22,808 Was it people interrupting? That was one of them. 592 00:28:22,808 --> 00:28:26,538 Was it the infamous female flasher 593 00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:31,298 who'd invade a Victorian stage without her bloomers, 594 00:28:31,298 --> 00:28:33,259 and she was called Fanny by Gaslight. 595 00:28:33,259 --> 00:28:35,658 Was it her? It wasn't that, no. 596 00:28:35,658 --> 00:28:38,249 Was it things going wrong, like machinery? 597 00:28:38,249 --> 00:28:40,888 Well, those were all bad things, they are bad today, 598 00:28:40,888 --> 00:28:43,738 but what is actually still one of the worst things that can happen? 599 00:28:43,738 --> 00:28:46,138 People eating sweets. That's bad. Was it a bulb breaking? 600 00:28:46,138 --> 00:28:47,298 If you're in the audience, 601 00:28:47,298 --> 00:28:49,808 what is one of the most annoying things for you, not just... 602 00:28:49,808 --> 00:28:51,808 Cholera. 603 00:28:51,808 --> 00:28:53,528 LAUGHTER 604 00:28:53,528 --> 00:28:56,448 Being stabbed in the neck by someone. 605 00:28:56,448 --> 00:28:58,968 You're stretching, Bill. It's good that you're thinking. 606 00:28:58,968 --> 00:29:01,288 TB. 607 00:29:01,288 --> 00:29:02,728 Rickets. 608 00:29:02,728 --> 00:29:03,888 LAUGHTER 609 00:29:03,888 --> 00:29:07,088 If you stayed in for a very long time. No, what it is... 610 00:29:07,088 --> 00:29:10,178 Let's imagine, for example, the Victoria Theatre, in London. 611 00:29:10,178 --> 00:29:15,098 Yeah. It had 2,200 people. When it came to the interval? 612 00:29:15,098 --> 00:29:16,668 Oh, the lavatories? The lavatories. 613 00:29:16,668 --> 00:29:19,308 How many lavatories do you think it had? Four. Two. One. 614 00:29:19,308 --> 00:29:22,249 One lavatory. One lavatory, 2,200 people. 615 00:29:22,249 --> 00:29:27,018 This is an issue, isn't it? It's not good. Nothing's changed. 616 00:29:27,018 --> 00:29:29,428 Well, things were even more problematic up north, 617 00:29:29,428 --> 00:29:33,178 certainly in the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, in the Victorian era, 618 00:29:33,178 --> 00:29:38,178 where they actually installed lead lining on the floor of the balcony 619 00:29:38,178 --> 00:29:41,298 because urine was dropping down on to the people in the stalls, 620 00:29:41,298 --> 00:29:43,898 because people just peed where they sat 621 00:29:43,898 --> 00:29:45,538 cos there was nowhere else to go. 622 00:29:45,538 --> 00:29:47,509 GEORDI E ACCENT: Lovely, lovely Geordies! 623 00:29:47,509 --> 00:29:49,018 LAUGHTER 624 00:29:49,018 --> 00:29:52,018 Now, now, careful, careful. Just be careful, that's all I 'm saying. 625 00:29:52,018 --> 00:29:56,068 Aye aye, we'll piss on't floor! It's pretty grim. That was in 1837. 626 00:29:56,068 --> 00:29:59,048 That was a serious problem and it's still a problem today, is it not? 627 00:29:59,048 --> 00:30:01,668 I think particularly for women? Absolutely. 628 00:30:01,668 --> 00:30:04,379 Sometimes you just have to invade the men's. Yeah. 629 00:30:04,379 --> 00:30:06,338 We always hear of these Japanese funnels 630 00:30:06,338 --> 00:30:09,509 that are supposed to allow women... The Shewees...yeah, to stand up, 631 00:30:09,509 --> 00:30:12,098 but they haven't caught on. I just go for the side swipe. OK. 632 00:30:12,098 --> 00:30:13,618 LAUGHTER 633 00:30:13,618 --> 00:30:18,308 Am I going to be able to picture this? It's sort of a dance move... 634 00:30:18,308 --> 00:30:20,468 and a relief. Oh, yes. 635 00:30:20,468 --> 00:30:23,259 But I'm not going to demonstrate it now. 636 00:30:23,259 --> 00:30:24,978 This is a nice programme. 637 00:30:24,978 --> 00:30:27,458 But is not the male urinal, couldn't you not... 638 00:30:27,458 --> 00:30:31,249 I mean, is that usable as a lady? 639 00:30:31,249 --> 00:30:36,608 I can't see what is wrong with just going sort of like that. 640 00:30:36,608 --> 00:30:39,178 A squat, like that. Yeah. 641 00:30:39,178 --> 00:30:41,538 Or you could hold yourself up between two parked cars. 642 00:30:41,538 --> 00:30:43,538 LAUGHTER 643 00:30:43,538 --> 00:30:45,328 Yes. 644 00:30:45,328 --> 00:30:48,048 Not that I've ever done that! 645 00:30:48,048 --> 00:30:52,658 Weren't the girl guides taught to pee standing up, as a form of... 646 00:30:52,658 --> 00:30:54,048 Self-defence? 647 00:30:54,048 --> 00:30:57,298 LAUGHTER 648 00:30:57,298 --> 00:30:59,408 What changed then were intervals. 649 00:30:59,408 --> 00:31:02,328 Intervals came more or less in time to coincide with the desire 650 00:31:02,328 --> 00:31:03,898 of people to, you know... 651 00:31:03,898 --> 00:31:05,978 They had what they called the Broadway Bladder, 652 00:31:05,978 --> 00:31:08,108 which is supposedly 75 minutes, 653 00:31:08,108 --> 00:31:12,898 which is the maximum, averagely, that people can go without having a pee. 654 00:31:12,898 --> 00:31:15,878 And cinemas often had intermissions in our childhood. 655 00:31:15,878 --> 00:31:17,468 Do you remember any particular ones? 656 00:31:17,468 --> 00:31:19,868 Zulu, I saw Zulu... Zulu had an intermission. 657 00:31:19,868 --> 00:31:22,458 ..and it was very frightening and there were masses of Zulus 658 00:31:22,458 --> 00:31:25,148 coming over the hill, and then they had a break... Yeah. 659 00:31:25,148 --> 00:31:28,148 ..and when we came back, wasn't quite so frightening after that. No. 660 00:31:28,148 --> 00:31:29,668 Well, the one I remember best was 661 00:31:29,668 --> 00:31:32,828 where there's a car going along some green towards a cliff 662 00:31:32,828 --> 00:31:35,618 and then suddenly they're going, "Argh!" as they go over the cliff, 663 00:31:35,618 --> 00:31:38,338 just going straight down and then it just goes - Intermission. 664 00:31:38,338 --> 00:31:40,888 And my brother and I were absolutely, just terrified, 665 00:31:40,888 --> 00:31:43,738 and we had our choc-ices and our Kia Ora orange drink, 666 00:31:43,738 --> 00:31:47,249 and all these other things, and came back, and then it picked it up from 667 00:31:47,249 --> 00:31:49,968 there again, the car goes down and then suddenly it flies. 668 00:31:49,968 --> 00:31:53,538 # Um Chitty, um Chitty, Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. # 669 00:31:53,538 --> 00:31:55,888 And it was just the most heroic moment in all cinema 670 00:31:55,888 --> 00:31:58,458 and we went back again and again and again. 671 00:31:58,458 --> 00:32:01,668 Nothing will ever recapture that moment. No? So wonderful. 672 00:32:01,668 --> 00:32:03,538 I was happy then, you know. 673 00:32:03,538 --> 00:32:04,948 LAUGHTER 674 00:32:04,948 --> 00:32:07,338 And now this. This! 675 00:32:07,338 --> 00:32:11,158 Aah, that's a lovely story. Thank you, yes. And quite interesting. 676 00:32:11,158 --> 00:32:12,618 Yeah, well, we hope. 677 00:32:12,618 --> 00:32:14,538 Other films, The Godfather, Sound of Music, 678 00:32:14,538 --> 00:32:16,698 they all had intermissions too. Really big movies. 679 00:32:16,698 --> 00:32:19,458 Hitchcock said, "The length of a film should be directly related 680 00:32:19,458 --> 00:32:21,618 "to the endurance of the human bladder." 681 00:32:21,618 --> 00:32:25,058 About seven minutes with me, then. Oh, dear. 682 00:32:25,058 --> 00:32:27,538 Now, who's the worst person to sit next at a silent movie? 683 00:32:27,538 --> 00:32:29,178 ALAN BURPS 684 00:32:29,178 --> 00:32:30,938 Alan Davies. 685 00:32:30,938 --> 00:32:33,458 I rather bolted my ice-cream. I'm very sorry. 686 00:32:33,458 --> 00:32:35,458 You did, didn't you? Disgusting! 687 00:32:35,458 --> 00:32:36,978 STEPHEN TUTS 688 00:32:36,978 --> 00:32:40,978 Alan, have you? Did you? Could you? No, I just, I slightly belched. 689 00:32:40,978 --> 00:32:44,178 Would it be someone telling you the plot? Someone talking? 690 00:32:44,178 --> 00:32:47,178 Telling the plot, yes, kind of. That is very annoying. Yes. 691 00:32:47,178 --> 00:32:50,129 How were plots laid out in silent movies? 692 00:32:50,129 --> 00:32:52,608 Obviously there was no dialogue as such. Cards? Cards. 693 00:32:52,608 --> 00:32:55,538 Cards were showed. Cards would come, these captions, which would... 694 00:32:55,538 --> 00:32:58,538 Oh, reading out the captions. Reading out the captions. Memoing. 695 00:32:58,538 --> 00:33:01,458 The number one annoyance in the days of silent movies, apparently. 696 00:33:01,458 --> 00:33:03,018 There were various others. 697 00:33:03,018 --> 00:33:05,538 They were very concerned about how people should behave 698 00:33:05,538 --> 00:33:07,178 so they put out these things. 699 00:33:07,178 --> 00:33:10,538 And the cinemas themselves had these cards at the beginning, telling 700 00:33:10,538 --> 00:33:14,499 people, as you can see - "Loud talking and whistling not allowed." 701 00:33:14,499 --> 00:33:16,618 "Please applaud with hands only." 702 00:33:16,618 --> 00:33:18,379 LAUGHTER 703 00:33:18,379 --> 00:33:21,338 I suppose it means don't cat-call and don't, you know, stamp your feet. 704 00:33:21,338 --> 00:33:23,828 Or slap your buttocks together or something. 705 00:33:23,828 --> 00:33:27,618 And "Madam, how would you like to sit behind the hat you are wearing?" 706 00:33:27,618 --> 00:33:29,878 That's another issue. Yes. 707 00:33:29,878 --> 00:33:32,318 So people would actually go, "Look out!" 708 00:33:32,318 --> 00:33:36,058 and would all shout, "Look out!" Yes, probably, exactly. Annoying. 709 00:33:36,058 --> 00:33:39,338 Yeah. But then watching films in America is great, though, 710 00:33:39,338 --> 00:33:42,098 in New York particularly, because the whole crowd get involved, 711 00:33:42,098 --> 00:33:43,858 and they all shout. 712 00:33:43,858 --> 00:33:46,818 I went to see Lord of the Rings in New York. 713 00:33:46,818 --> 00:33:50,249 Just the best experience, cos in the fight scenes, 714 00:33:50,249 --> 00:33:52,618 people are shouting out, "Kick that Orc's ass!" 715 00:33:52,618 --> 00:33:54,228 LAUGHTER 716 00:33:54,228 --> 00:33:56,738 "Go get it! Damn!" It's true, they do. 717 00:33:56,738 --> 00:33:58,698 "Damn you, that Orc!" It's fantastic. 718 00:33:58,698 --> 00:34:01,938 Well, there are certain other bits of cinema etiquette which 719 00:34:01,938 --> 00:34:03,538 now are very common, which is 720 00:34:03,538 --> 00:34:06,818 if you happen to know how a film turns out, you're not 721 00:34:06,818 --> 00:34:09,608 supposed to tell anybody on social media, or at least if you do... 722 00:34:09,608 --> 00:34:13,058 No spoilers...and you blog or review, you put in capital letters? 723 00:34:13,058 --> 00:34:14,878 Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. 724 00:34:14,878 --> 00:34:17,418 And yet, there's a thing called the Spoiler Paradox. 725 00:34:17,418 --> 00:34:20,259 Do you know about this? It's more fun if you know what's happening? 726 00:34:20,259 --> 00:34:21,618 It's more fun if you know. 727 00:34:21,618 --> 00:34:23,588 If you actually know how a film turns out, 728 00:34:23,588 --> 00:34:26,668 you are more likely to enjoy it, quite appreciably. 729 00:34:26,668 --> 00:34:30,259 The films I like the most are the ones where you've no expectation, 730 00:34:30,259 --> 00:34:32,618 you haven't been tainted in advance in any way 731 00:34:32,618 --> 00:34:34,259 and then it all unfolds before you. 732 00:34:34,259 --> 00:34:38,948 I think I prefer that. I forget anyway. People tell me stuff. 733 00:34:38,948 --> 00:34:41,978 Anyway, make sure you mind your manners at the movies. 734 00:34:41,978 --> 00:34:46,458 Now, Christmas comes and goes, but one thing that's never 735 00:34:46,458 --> 00:34:49,818 out of season is General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please. 736 00:34:49,818 --> 00:34:55,618 It's a moonlit Christmas night in the city, and you can see just fine. 737 00:34:55,618 --> 00:34:57,738 But then the moon goes behind a cloud. 738 00:34:57,738 --> 00:34:59,538 What happens next? 739 00:34:59,538 --> 00:35:01,468 BILL'S BUZZER: 'Oh, no, it isn't!' 740 00:35:01,468 --> 00:35:03,259 You turn into a wolf. 741 00:35:03,259 --> 00:35:04,978 LAUGHTER 742 00:35:04,978 --> 00:35:08,018 Wouldn't that be when the moon came out? Or maybe not. Yes. 743 00:35:08,018 --> 00:35:09,968 Oh, yeah. 744 00:35:09,968 --> 00:35:12,308 That's right. That's why it's not working out for me. 745 00:35:12,308 --> 00:35:15,548 The moon goes behind a cloud. JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Oh, yes, it is! 746 00:35:15,548 --> 00:35:17,188 Does it actually become brighter? 747 00:35:17,188 --> 00:35:20,228 Yes. Very good. Spot on. 748 00:35:20,228 --> 00:35:23,139 APPLAUSE 749 00:35:23,139 --> 00:35:27,238 Extra extra points if you can tell me why? 750 00:35:27,238 --> 00:35:29,308 There's already light bouncing off the earth. 751 00:35:29,308 --> 00:35:31,058 Ah ah ah ah ah, yes. 752 00:35:31,058 --> 00:35:32,748 I mentioned we were in the city there. 753 00:35:32,748 --> 00:35:34,978 London is burning huge amounts of light. 754 00:35:34,978 --> 00:35:38,028 If the moon goes behind a cloud and the clouds are covering the sky, 755 00:35:38,028 --> 00:35:42,548 then the light bounces back from the clouds and it increases, 756 00:35:42,548 --> 00:35:44,948 it magnifies the light by a considerable amount. 757 00:35:44,948 --> 00:35:48,731 Whereas if it's a completely cloudless night, even with a bright 758 00:35:48,731 --> 00:35:53,171 big full moon, that's less light than you get in the reflection. 759 00:35:53,171 --> 00:35:55,651 And this has been found to be true even in the countryside. 760 00:35:55,651 --> 00:35:58,091 Ice-cream makes you intelligent! 761 00:35:58,091 --> 00:36:00,011 LAUGHTER 762 00:36:00,011 --> 00:36:04,171 The brightest area was in Schipliden in the Netherlands, 763 00:36:04,171 --> 00:36:08,331 where the sky was 10,000 times lighter than the darkest night sky. 764 00:36:08,331 --> 00:36:11,601 Tomatoes were grown there and the greenhouse lights were on. 765 00:36:11,601 --> 00:36:14,731 Good lord. Too incredible for words. 766 00:36:14,731 --> 00:36:16,971 Right, time for some Christmas music. 767 00:36:16,971 --> 00:36:21,841 What did the boys in the NYPD choir sing? 768 00:36:21,841 --> 00:36:23,661 BILL'S BUZZER: 'Oh, no, it isn't!' 769 00:36:23,661 --> 00:36:24,971 Galway Bay. 770 00:36:24,971 --> 00:36:26,382 KLAXON 771 00:36:26,382 --> 00:36:28,661 D'oh! Don't you know by now? 772 00:36:28,661 --> 00:36:31,181 Oh, I thought I'd take one for the team. 773 00:36:31,181 --> 00:36:32,981 Firstly they can't have done, 774 00:36:32,981 --> 00:36:35,781 because there is no NYPD choir at all. 775 00:36:35,781 --> 00:36:38,941 The NYPD people they brought in for the video were the pipe band 776 00:36:38,941 --> 00:36:41,541 in fact, of the New York Police Department. 777 00:36:41,541 --> 00:36:44,181 And we're talking about the Pogues' Shane MacGowan singing 778 00:36:44,181 --> 00:36:46,671 Fairytale of New York, the great Christmas single. 779 00:36:46,671 --> 00:36:49,461 Yes, the greatest Christmas song. Ever. Brilliant, yeah. 780 00:36:49,461 --> 00:36:51,981 It's a very thin competition now, isn't it, really? Eh? 781 00:36:51,981 --> 00:36:53,411 It's pretty thin competition. 782 00:36:53,411 --> 00:36:55,541 Well, it's Mistletoe and Wine and that. 783 00:36:55,541 --> 00:36:57,411 LAUGHTER 784 00:36:57,411 --> 00:36:59,981 So the pipe band came in and they didn't know Galway Bay. 785 00:36:59,981 --> 00:37:02,181 Right. They were supposed to sing it. 786 00:37:02,181 --> 00:37:06,031 And so instead they sang the Mickey Mouse Club 787 00:37:06,031 --> 00:37:07,901 and it was slightly slowed down 788 00:37:07,901 --> 00:37:10,691 and it fitted to the words of Galway Bay, apparently, 789 00:37:10,691 --> 00:37:13,132 so you couldn't tell. 790 00:37:13,132 --> 00:37:16,661 But there are more points if you can tell me, Shane MacGowan's band, 791 00:37:16,661 --> 00:37:17,941 The Pogues, of course, 792 00:37:17,941 --> 00:37:21,451 why is it called The Pogues and what does that mean? Oh, I know this. 793 00:37:21,451 --> 00:37:24,331 Oh, we revised it. I knew it would come up! 794 00:37:24,331 --> 00:37:26,691 No, I DI D once know this. 795 00:37:26,691 --> 00:37:30,101 Well, it's Pog mo thoin. That means "kiss my arse". 796 00:37:30,101 --> 00:37:33,971 That's it. That's it. Kiss my arse in Irish. Rather pleasing. 797 00:37:33,971 --> 00:37:37,181 I had one night out with him and my thumb has never been the same again. 798 00:37:37,181 --> 00:37:39,051 I can't bend it properly. 799 00:37:39,051 --> 00:37:42,821 I'm just picturing a night out with Johnny Vegas and Shane MacGowan. 800 00:37:42,821 --> 00:37:46,101 That is something. He was reading a book on architecture 801 00:37:46,101 --> 00:37:49,061 and I was just in a foul mood and we got drinking together. 802 00:37:49,061 --> 00:37:54,021 Good times! And I, yeah, I fell and I couldn't get up. 803 00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:57,551 I fell in a little gully and my head was trapped, 804 00:37:57,551 --> 00:37:59,971 so I just laid there for three hours going, "Help!" 805 00:37:59,971 --> 00:38:01,262 LAUGHTER 806 00:38:01,262 --> 00:38:03,471 And then I fell asleep after saying, 807 00:38:03,471 --> 00:38:07,262 "Some kind of neighbours you are," in my sleep. 808 00:38:07,262 --> 00:38:09,901 Well, that's absolutely amazing. Yeah. 809 00:38:09,901 --> 00:38:14,031 Now, on which bank holiday is it most likely to snow? 810 00:38:14,031 --> 00:38:16,061 Easter Monday. 811 00:38:16,061 --> 00:38:17,701 Is the right answer. 812 00:38:17,701 --> 00:38:18,981 No!!! 813 00:38:18,981 --> 00:38:20,461 APPLAUSE 814 00:38:20,461 --> 00:38:22,701 Yes! Come on! 815 00:38:22,701 --> 00:38:24,741 Very good. 816 00:38:24,741 --> 00:38:27,971 Bloody hell. I'm impressed. 817 00:38:27,971 --> 00:38:29,461 Absolutely. 818 00:38:29,461 --> 00:38:32,981 Statistically it is more likely to snow at an Easter bank holiday 819 00:38:32,981 --> 00:38:35,181 than it is over the Christmas, even though it moves. 820 00:38:35,181 --> 00:38:37,181 Well, the weather here is rubbish, isn't it? 821 00:38:37,181 --> 00:38:40,021 I was out with the old man on a hot June day 822 00:38:40,021 --> 00:38:43,411 and there were lots of people driving in their open-top cars 823 00:38:43,411 --> 00:38:45,661 down the King's Road, as they would. 824 00:38:45,661 --> 00:38:48,411 And the old man, who knows everything, said, 825 00:38:48,411 --> 00:38:50,891 "Do you know that there are only six days a year 826 00:38:50,891 --> 00:38:53,981 "where people with open-top sports cars could put their tops down." 827 00:38:53,981 --> 00:38:57,021 Wow. That made me feel better... And that was one of them? Yeah, yeah. 828 00:38:57,021 --> 00:38:59,531 There's so few good days in this country, 829 00:38:59,531 --> 00:39:02,451 and so that's why I thought it was quite likely to be on Easter Monday. 830 00:39:02,451 --> 00:39:06,091 That's true, cos we, as a nation, we, per capita, 831 00:39:06,091 --> 00:39:10,471 own more convertible cars than any other country in Europe. 832 00:39:10,471 --> 00:39:12,461 No, that's so hopeful! Durrr! 833 00:39:12,461 --> 00:39:15,751 Optimistic. Oh, bless us. Driving with an umbrella, yeah. 834 00:39:15,751 --> 00:39:21,631 Yeah, December averaged 3.9 days of snow and March had 4.2. 835 00:39:21,631 --> 00:39:25,221 You are more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas. 836 00:39:25,221 --> 00:39:28,588 Can you give me a line from the world's first panto? 837 00:39:29,901 --> 00:39:31,981 Go on, go on... 838 00:39:31,981 --> 00:39:33,341 He's behind you. 839 00:39:33,341 --> 00:39:35,351 KLAXON 840 00:39:35,351 --> 00:39:37,491 Yay! Oh, you MADE me do that! 841 00:39:37,491 --> 00:39:40,111 Why did you do that? It's your buzzer, isn't it? 842 00:39:40,111 --> 00:39:41,651 She did so well on Easter Monday 843 00:39:41,651 --> 00:39:44,621 and you've just sabotaged it out of spite! 844 00:39:44,621 --> 00:39:49,262 Anyway, no, first pantoMIME, what were pantomimes originally? 845 00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:52,382 Oh, silent. They WERE silent. They were mime. 846 00:39:52,382 --> 00:39:54,262 Yeah, unlike mimes, oddly enough. 847 00:39:54,262 --> 00:39:57,981 The pantomime was a character in a Roman play, who represented 848 00:39:57,981 --> 00:40:01,101 all kinds of mythological things and he never spoke. 849 00:40:01,101 --> 00:40:02,701 Wow. Terrifying. 850 00:40:02,701 --> 00:40:05,101 You'd be hard pressed to shift tickets for that, though, 851 00:40:05,101 --> 00:40:06,621 wouldn't you? 852 00:40:06,621 --> 00:40:08,101 LAUGHTER 853 00:40:08,101 --> 00:40:11,901 My God, look at that. That's an Ood and Lady GaGa. 854 00:40:11,901 --> 00:40:15,392 Well, isn't it Zoidberg from Futurama? 855 00:40:15,392 --> 00:40:18,821 Nothing screams "festive" like a shin-kicking contest 856 00:40:18,821 --> 00:40:24,392 between two people for whom life has gone very wrong. 857 00:40:24,392 --> 00:40:28,221 The first pantomimes were silent and only had one person in the cast. 858 00:40:28,221 --> 00:40:30,571 So let's take a look at the scores. 859 00:40:30,571 --> 00:40:32,701 Oh, my actual actual. 860 00:40:32,701 --> 00:40:34,901 In fourth place, a brilliant first appearance, 861 00:40:34,901 --> 00:40:38,101 and actually an incredibly high score by any QI standards. 862 00:40:38,101 --> 00:40:40,981 On minus two it's Jenny Eclair! Did quite well. 863 00:40:40,981 --> 00:40:43,836 APPLAUSE 864 00:40:46,931 --> 00:40:49,651 In third place, with minus one, Bill Bailey! 865 00:40:49,651 --> 00:40:51,931 APPLAUSE 866 00:40:51,931 --> 00:40:54,707 I still don't understand why. 867 00:40:55,981 --> 00:40:58,621 When two giants meet at Christmas, who can it be? 868 00:40:58,621 --> 00:41:00,461 Who's the winner, who's the winner here? 869 00:41:00,461 --> 00:41:03,411 In second place, with eight points, it's... 870 00:41:03,411 --> 00:41:05,981 Johnny Vegas! 871 00:41:05,981 --> 00:41:09,012 APPLAUSE 872 00:41:09,012 --> 00:41:12,971 Oh, my stars, the winner on 11 is Alan Davies! 873 00:41:12,971 --> 00:41:15,181 APPLAUSE 874 00:41:15,181 --> 00:41:17,934 QI JINGLE PLAYS 875 00:41:19,371 --> 00:41:22,571 So, that's all from Jenny, Johnny, Bill and Alan, 876 00:41:22,571 --> 00:41:25,371 but before we go, I have one more trick up my sleeve. 877 00:41:25,371 --> 00:41:28,461 Right, let's see. 878 00:41:28,461 --> 00:41:32,331 Now, here's the box in which I keep my luggage. 879 00:41:32,331 --> 00:41:35,581 There we go, like so. 880 00:41:35,581 --> 00:41:37,697 Let's see. That's... 881 00:41:38,651 --> 00:41:44,022 Now, in my luggage I keep a very Christmassy item. 882 00:41:44,022 --> 00:41:47,631 It's what everyone should keep in their luggage, really. 883 00:41:47,631 --> 00:41:49,631 It's a big surprise. 884 00:41:49,631 --> 00:41:52,341 APPLAUSE 885 00:41:52,341 --> 00:41:55,471 Do you need a hand? Thank you. 886 00:41:55,471 --> 00:41:57,152 There you go. 887 00:41:57,152 --> 00:41:58,781 Splendid. 888 00:41:58,781 --> 00:42:01,661 Oh, hello, Scott? I have a surprise for you, Stephen. Oh, no. 889 00:42:01,661 --> 00:42:05,421 My name is Scott Penrose. I am the President of the Magic Circle, 890 00:42:05,421 --> 00:42:07,431 and if you're a member of the Magic Circle, 891 00:42:07,431 --> 00:42:09,781 you have to have taken a test. 892 00:42:09,781 --> 00:42:12,471 And throughout this series of QI, you've been doing various 893 00:42:12,471 --> 00:42:16,181 magical experiments, so it's with a great deal of pleasure... No! 894 00:42:16,181 --> 00:42:18,621 ..to announce that Stephen Fry is now formally 895 00:42:18,621 --> 00:42:20,371 a member of The Magic Circle. 896 00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:23,221 Oh, my God! APPLAUSE 897 00:42:23,221 --> 00:42:25,291 MUSIC: Magic Moments by Perry Como 898 00:42:58,421 --> 00:43:00,501 Merry Christmas, everybody! 899 00:43:00,501 --> 00:43:03,937 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE