1 00:00:01,999 --> 00:00:05,127 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:29,949 --> 00:00:31,839 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:31,839 --> 00:00:35,479 Good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI. 4 00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:40,269 Tonight we're making a meal of it with a muster of master chefs. 5 00:00:40,269 --> 00:00:45,499 On tonight's mouthwatering menu, mincing his words, Phill Jupitus. 6 00:00:45,499 --> 00:00:48,559 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:50,039 --> 00:00:53,109 Mixing her metaphors, Cariad Lloyd. 8 00:00:53,109 --> 00:00:55,919 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:55,919 --> 00:01:00,039 Marinating in his own juices, Dermot O'Leary. 10 00:01:00,039 --> 00:01:03,139 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:03,139 --> 00:01:05,989 And with a soggy bottom, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:05,989 --> 00:01:09,277 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:14,219 So let's hear their buzzers. Cariad goes... 14 00:01:14,219 --> 00:01:18,149 # Food, glorious food. # 15 00:01:18,149 --> 00:01:19,310 Nice. Phill goes... 16 00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:22,589 # Hot sausage and mustard. # 17 00:01:22,589 --> 00:01:24,049 Dermot goes... 18 00:01:24,049 --> 00:01:27,639 # While we're in the mood 19 00:01:27,639 --> 00:01:31,279 # Cold jelly and custard. # 20 00:01:31,279 --> 00:01:32,589 And Alan goes... 21 00:01:32,589 --> 00:01:34,659 LOUD BELCH 22 00:01:40,149 --> 00:01:45,075 So, what's missing from this menu? 23 00:01:47,479 --> 00:01:49,709 Three tortoises. 24 00:01:53,779 --> 00:01:57,886 Can you imagine the anal retentives looking at that picture at home? 25 00:02:00,409 --> 00:02:02,199 I just want to say "hare." 26 00:02:02,199 --> 00:02:04,565 KLAXON 27 00:02:05,949 --> 00:02:08,279 Welcome to our world, Cariad. 28 00:02:08,279 --> 00:02:11,869 Thank you. The tortoises and the hare, not, sadly. 29 00:02:11,869 --> 00:02:15,149 That's 69 tortoises. 69 tortoises, 30 00:02:15,149 --> 00:02:17,595 and the bitch ain't one. 31 00:02:23,509 --> 00:02:26,189 That's what we were thinking of. Is that a song? 32 00:02:26,189 --> 00:02:28,560 I believe it's popular in the hit parade right now. 33 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,659 You've had that on Radio 2, I'm sure. 34 00:02:30,659 --> 00:02:32,629 What do we know about tortoises? 35 00:02:32,629 --> 00:02:35,719 They are old. 36 00:02:35,719 --> 00:02:38,669 There's one that just died that was around in George III's time. 37 00:02:38,669 --> 00:02:41,949 Yes, there was. How would you know if it was dead? 38 00:02:41,949 --> 00:02:43,639 It belonged to Clive of India. Sorry? 39 00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:47,949 You'd have to wait a few months to be sure it's dead or just asleep. 40 00:02:47,949 --> 00:02:51,149 Don't bury it, for God's sake. 41 00:02:51,149 --> 00:02:54,509 Why do you think they have such enormous shells? 42 00:02:54,509 --> 00:02:56,158 They've got big TVs. 43 00:02:57,509 --> 00:02:59,499 Lot of stuff. Lot of belongings. 44 00:02:59,499 --> 00:03:02,440 That's the thing about getting old, you look around and you think, 45 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,079 my God, look how much shit I've got. 46 00:03:05,079 --> 00:03:08,759 If you're an agoraphobic tortoise. 47 00:03:08,759 --> 00:03:11,876 Terrifying. It's better than being a claustrophobic tortoise. 48 00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:16,769 There's three in London Zoo and the oldest is about 90... 49 00:03:16,769 --> 00:03:19,209 Cos they live to about 150, right? Oh, indeed. 50 00:03:19,209 --> 00:03:21,199 And as Cariad said, even longer. 51 00:03:21,199 --> 00:03:23,759 There's one that lived at the time of Mozart 52 00:03:23,759 --> 00:03:25,129 and it only died a few years ago. 53 00:03:25,129 --> 00:03:27,799 Didn't Darwin's tortoise die recently, or is he still around? 54 00:03:27,799 --> 00:03:29,999 Well, interestingly, there was a story 55 00:03:29,999 --> 00:03:34,440 that Alan may remember of Darwin and giant...? 56 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,229 Oh, yeah. Didn't they all get eaten on the boat? Yeah. 57 00:03:37,229 --> 00:03:39,560 They were so delicious, that's the point. 58 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,999 Wouldn't it be brilliant if The Origin Of Species 59 00:03:41,999 --> 00:03:45,279 just halfway through turned into a cookbook? 60 00:03:45,279 --> 00:03:49,509 "I basically put it to you all, members of the Royal Society, 61 00:03:49,509 --> 00:03:51,648 "everything is bloody delicious." 62 00:03:53,709 --> 00:03:57,199 Funnily enough, Darwin at Cambridge was a member of a club 63 00:03:57,199 --> 00:03:59,839 which specialised in eating rare animals. 64 00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:02,639 Oh. And he loved that. So he obviously... So that is why he went? 65 00:04:02,639 --> 00:04:05,719 For recipes. Well, one of his interests was... 66 00:04:05,719 --> 00:04:11,009 "Dear Diary, today I tasted deli-cious dodo. 67 00:04:12,349 --> 00:04:13,361 "Rare." 68 00:04:16,229 --> 00:04:19,019 Well, to return to our question, yes, these tortoises... 69 00:04:19,019 --> 00:04:22,009 I was guiding you towards the idea that they might have been delicious 70 00:04:22,009 --> 00:04:27,649 because they are evidence of the first ever human feast. 71 00:04:27,649 --> 00:04:32,199 The first ever menu. Rather than just eating, a real feast. 72 00:04:32,199 --> 00:04:35,709 And there were 71 tortoises consumed at this feast, 73 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:38,209 it would seem from archaeological evidence. 74 00:04:38,209 --> 00:04:42,069 So Alan said there were three tortoises missing from that list. 75 00:04:42,069 --> 00:04:47,029 In fact, there were two missing, because it should have been 71 76 00:04:47,029 --> 00:04:50,019 instead of 69, so you're going to have to have a point for that. 77 00:04:50,019 --> 00:04:51,629 Why not? 78 00:04:51,629 --> 00:04:54,359 APPLAUSE 79 00:04:56,669 --> 00:04:59,137 I'm plus one, so I'm not going to speak again. 80 00:05:01,639 --> 00:05:04,389 There was a female shaman's body discovered 81 00:05:04,389 --> 00:05:08,440 next to all these shells and it seems there was a giant feast. 82 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,560 It was 12,000 years ago. 83 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,560 Seems just unfair, really. 84 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,421 You're basically born with a wok on your back. 85 00:05:17,421 --> 00:05:19,470 The original microwave meal. 86 00:05:19,470 --> 00:05:21,150 The tortoise. 87 00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:22,940 Just pierce the top. 88 00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:25,460 GROANING 89 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:28,700 It was 12,000 years ago, guys! I wasn't there! 90 00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,304 Too soon! 91 00:05:32,190 --> 00:05:36,180 If it's anything like a micro meal, you stab it lots of times. 92 00:05:36,180 --> 00:05:38,860 Never sure how many they mean when they say... 93 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:41,541 Have you got a set number you do? 94 00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:45,068 Have you got a microwave? Yeah. The idea of you at the microwave! 95 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,930 I had to do TV dramas where you... 96 00:05:50,930 --> 00:05:52,557 "I was playing a rough type!" 97 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:58,820 My microwave annoys me, I used to have one that just went ping, 98 00:05:58,820 --> 00:06:00,730 that was fine. Ping - it's finished. Simple. 99 00:06:00,730 --> 00:06:02,930 Come and get it, don't get it, 100 00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:06,060 whatever, we're just letting you know. 101 00:06:06,060 --> 00:06:10,790 Now we've got one that goes, beep, beep, beep, beep... 102 00:06:10,790 --> 00:06:13,588 As your food slowly reverses out of the kitchen. 103 00:06:16,301 --> 00:06:18,576 APPLAUSE 104 00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:22,180 I wish it would! 105 00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:26,551 I'm at the other end going, "I know! In a minute! 106 00:06:26,551 --> 00:06:30,190 "Sorry, the microwave is pissing me off." 107 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:34,100 If we leave the fridge open, it goes, beep, beep, beep, beep! 108 00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:37,990 The washing machine is going, "I'm finished! Beep, beep, beep!" 109 00:06:37,990 --> 00:06:41,096 Oh, Jesus. It must be like living with Kraftwerk. 110 00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:46,450 Get them all synced up right. 111 00:06:46,450 --> 00:06:49,090 These weren't microwaved, were they, Stephen? 112 00:06:49,090 --> 00:06:50,780 These were not microwaved. 113 00:06:50,780 --> 00:06:52,780 They were roasted in their shells. 114 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:57,490 Alive, probably? Yeah. Heroes in a half shell. Very sad. 115 00:06:57,490 --> 00:06:59,620 Very sad. 116 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,019 Leonardo, Donatello... 117 00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:08,547 Is that Splinter at the bottom, then? 118 00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:13,700 So, when might the first menu have appeared? 119 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:17,140 When do you guess that archaeology discovered the first actual menu 120 00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:19,990 as opposed to signs of a feast? Oh, the first menu? 121 00:07:19,990 --> 00:07:22,620 The Chinese were the first people, I thought. 122 00:07:22,620 --> 00:07:25,150 They did discover one in ancient Egypt. Oh, really? 123 00:07:25,150 --> 00:07:26,700 And it was quite detailed. 124 00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:30,291 It was the celebration feast for two twins that had been born, 125 00:07:30,291 --> 00:07:33,900 one of whom became Ramses I I, so it was quite an important event. 126 00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:38,060 This was a menu actually not for the diners. For the camels. 127 00:07:38,060 --> 00:07:40,980 No. Was it for the chefs? Yeah, for the kitchens. 128 00:07:40,980 --> 00:07:45,270 The first record that we have of a menu for diners is actually French. 129 00:07:45,270 --> 00:07:48,301 18th-century French menus, they used to have, 130 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,380 where people could choose their food. 131 00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:53,900 The oldest known feast was turtle-y delicious! 132 00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:57,780 That was the menu for the world's first shared feast. GROANI NG 133 00:07:57,780 --> 00:07:59,980 All right! Back off, you lot. 134 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:04,291 Tell me, why wouldn't you want to share a meal with these men? 135 00:08:04,291 --> 00:08:06,373 They'd kill you. 136 00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:10,810 Looks like it. As you can see they've got napkins. 137 00:08:10,810 --> 00:08:14,291 That doesn't mean they won't kill you! No, it doesn't. 138 00:08:14,291 --> 00:08:16,431 Well, THEY wouldn't. The meal might. 139 00:08:16,431 --> 00:08:19,741 One of these men invented Pringles! 140 00:08:22,220 --> 00:08:24,108 Was it that one with the moustache? 141 00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:28,936 "I have an idea for a tubular-based potato snack. 142 00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:33,421 "You laughed at my moustache. 143 00:08:33,421 --> 00:08:36,299 "You won't laugh at my potato-based tubular snack!" 144 00:08:37,421 --> 00:08:39,301 See if you can place a date on this. 145 00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:42,270 Er, '20s? Early '20s. 146 00:08:42,270 --> 00:08:44,850 1910s. Closer. 147 00:08:44,850 --> 00:08:47,011 1909. Closer still! 148 00:08:48,140 --> 00:08:49,664 1908. 149 00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:53,780 This guy's on fire! 150 00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:57,930 It's between 1902 and 1906, that picture. OK. Edwardians. 151 00:08:57,930 --> 00:09:01,460 Yeah, Edwardian if it were English, but it's not. Oh. Are they French? 152 00:09:01,460 --> 00:09:02,860 Not even French. American? 153 00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:03,990 The United States, yeah. 154 00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:07,260 Was it the Americans who introduced certain cutlery? 155 00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:08,500 They have a word for cutlery. 156 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:11,421 They do use the word cutlery, but in certain places in America, 157 00:09:11,421 --> 00:09:13,940 they very rarely use cutlery. They have another word for it. 158 00:09:13,940 --> 00:09:17,301 Do you know what that is? Hands? 159 00:09:17,301 --> 00:09:18,570 They call it flatware. 160 00:09:18,570 --> 00:09:21,949 Where did they get the plastic kettle from in the late 1900s? 161 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,370 Morphy Richards, suddenly. Strangely popped in. 162 00:09:26,370 --> 00:09:27,740 Something odd going on here. 163 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:31,630 There's a guy from Tefal's got a TARDIS. He nips back in time. 164 00:09:31,630 --> 00:09:34,291 Share a meal with this lot, bad idea. 165 00:09:34,291 --> 00:09:36,820 It's a bad idea. Are they cannibals? Lethal foods. 166 00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:39,930 They... Eat people! No. 167 00:09:39,930 --> 00:09:41,780 They were paid in meals, 168 00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:46,380 three meals a day was their reward for eating...? 169 00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:48,800 Food? Poison, or at least eating additives 170 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,780 that could be considered dangerous. 171 00:09:50,780 --> 00:09:55,100 It was the first move on the part of the US Department of Agriculture 172 00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:58,710 to codify the possibility of additives being something 173 00:09:58,710 --> 00:10:02,380 that you could regulate, so they got these volunteers 174 00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:05,700 who swiftly gained the nickname "The Poison Club." 175 00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:08,450 They ate some extraordinary things. 176 00:10:08,450 --> 00:10:13,460 October 1902 to July 1903, they experimented with eating borax. 177 00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:18,620 Their Christmas menu was apple sauce, borax, soup, borax, 178 00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:22,181 turkey, borax, borax, carrots, green beans, 179 00:10:22,181 --> 00:10:25,000 sweet potatoes, white potatoes, turnips, borax, 180 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,920 chipped beef, cream gravy, cranberry sauce, celery, pickles, 181 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,780 rice pudding, milk, bread and butter, tea, coffee, little borax. 182 00:10:31,780 --> 00:10:33,460 They were well fed. 183 00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:36,311 " I don't like borax! " 184 00:10:36,311 --> 00:10:38,710 "You're having it! I 've told you, it's Christmas, 185 00:10:38,710 --> 00:10:41,950 "everyone's having borax! Your dad likes it." 186 00:10:41,950 --> 00:10:46,070 "And now Andy Williams with A Very Borax Christmas." 187 00:10:46,070 --> 00:10:49,350 Can you name something that we use borax for today? 188 00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:52,431 Is it an element? Cleaning. Washing powder. 189 00:10:52,431 --> 00:10:56,370 Cleaning, as a detergent, but it's used as a fire retardant 190 00:10:56,370 --> 00:10:59,421 and an antifungal compound. 191 00:10:59,421 --> 00:11:02,790 Quite useful to have in your system then, really? 192 00:11:02,790 --> 00:11:05,140 Resistant to poison and flames. 193 00:11:05,140 --> 00:11:07,340 That's true! 194 00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:10,150 No record of any of them actually dying but they were weighed 195 00:11:10,150 --> 00:11:13,260 and their blood pressure was taken and their pulse and everything else. 196 00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:16,450 Until 1912, when they introduced LD50 testing, 197 00:11:16,450 --> 00:11:18,890 and then it all went tits-up. 198 00:11:18,890 --> 00:11:22,421 And in 1906, Congress passed a couple of acts, 199 00:11:22,421 --> 00:11:25,940 the Meat Inspection Act and the Pure Food And Drug Act, 200 00:11:25,940 --> 00:11:30,220 which was to help with food, for the first time, that's the point. 201 00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:34,460 There you are, never accept a dinner invitation from The Poison Squad. 202 00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:38,270 Who likes to feast on a breakfast menu of horse manure, 203 00:11:38,270 --> 00:11:44,425 rancid pickled mudfish, Thai Boy shrimp and Big Cock shrimp paste? 204 00:11:46,301 --> 00:11:49,260 Vietnamese? This is items... 205 00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:52,990 I got sent some Big Cock paste. 206 00:11:52,990 --> 00:11:56,500 An Amazon order went terribly wrong in your house. 207 00:11:56,500 --> 00:12:00,740 It exists, Big Cock shrimp paste and Thai Boy shrimp paste, both exist. 208 00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:03,150 I'm married to a Norwegian, 209 00:12:03,150 --> 00:12:07,150 and they eat a dish all over Norway called lutefisk, 210 00:12:07,150 --> 00:12:11,250 which is a jellified fish, and it's cod, really, 211 00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:14,370 but they bury it, I think, then dry it out, 212 00:12:14,370 --> 00:12:17,090 and then they served this for me, my in-laws. 213 00:12:17,090 --> 00:12:18,159 Those bastards! 214 00:12:20,530 --> 00:12:23,301 They saw you coming, mate! They saw you coming. 215 00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:27,230 My mother-in-law made me a fish pie, it was delicious. 216 00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:30,070 So I ate this thing and I did what we always do 217 00:12:30,070 --> 00:12:33,740 when you don't like something and you're round someone's house. 218 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:35,116 "OH, GOD! 219 00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:40,870 "WHAT IS THIS?!" 220 00:12:40,870 --> 00:12:43,350 I just ate it really quickly, 221 00:12:43,350 --> 00:12:46,230 at which point my mother-in-law went, 222 00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:49,020 "This is fantastic, you must have some more." 223 00:12:49,020 --> 00:12:51,870 And I finished and I thought, I've got to be honest with them, 224 00:12:51,870 --> 00:12:56,431 and I said at the end, "I'm really sorry but I really don't like it." 225 00:12:56,431 --> 00:12:59,719 They went, "We hate it, we're only serving it because you're here." 226 00:13:01,431 --> 00:13:03,740 That's Norwegian... 227 00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,350 That's brilliant. 228 00:13:05,350 --> 00:13:09,820 Well, it may be the case that that's what this particular feaster 229 00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:11,610 on these foods also thinks, 230 00:13:11,610 --> 00:13:14,150 but it seems unlikely because it's not human. 231 00:13:14,150 --> 00:13:17,070 I was going to say, is it an animal? It is a living creature. 232 00:13:17,070 --> 00:13:20,140 Very beautiful. Flamingo. 233 00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:22,181 Not a flamingo, it's one you'd find in Britain. 234 00:13:22,181 --> 00:13:24,510 In fact, it's in Britain that it's offered this food. 235 00:13:24,510 --> 00:13:27,540 Regularly, once a year as a sort of tribute to its beauty. 236 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,110 Prince Philip. 237 00:13:33,390 --> 00:13:36,314 APPLAUSE 238 00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:43,350 Has it got four legs? 239 00:13:43,350 --> 00:13:45,352 Six. Six legs. 240 00:13:47,510 --> 00:13:49,311 Is it an ant? 241 00:13:49,311 --> 00:13:51,660 It's not an ant, but it is definitely an insect. 242 00:13:51,660 --> 00:13:54,890 Is it a bee? No, but it's a flying insect. 243 00:13:54,890 --> 00:13:57,060 Is it a fly? 244 00:13:57,060 --> 00:13:59,940 It has the word "fly" in its family name. 245 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,820 Dragonfly. A butterfly. 246 00:14:01,820 --> 00:14:04,150 A species of butterfly. 247 00:14:04,150 --> 00:14:06,740 There it is. A very beautiful butterfly. 248 00:14:06,740 --> 00:14:09,220 It's a Purple Emperor. 249 00:14:09,220 --> 00:14:11,256 A cock-hungry Purple Emperor. 250 00:14:14,790 --> 00:14:17,710 Yes. "Settled on my bell-end." 251 00:14:17,710 --> 00:14:22,660 Please! "At four o'clock in the morning." 252 00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:24,510 "I was out in the garden the other day 253 00:14:24,510 --> 00:14:26,970 "and I was admiring a cock-hungry Purple Emperor 254 00:14:26,970 --> 00:14:28,892 "on my red-hot poker." 255 00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:34,389 "There was paste everywhere." 256 00:14:42,070 --> 00:14:44,106 "The poor bugger couldn't take off." 257 00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:50,260 Now, calm down. 258 00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:52,980 Anyway, they live in the trees high up, 259 00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:55,900 so how do they know they have a taste for all this? 260 00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:59,620 Well, they've been observed midsummer coming down from their usual 261 00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:03,070 feeding areas high in the trees and going for cowpats 262 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:06,790 and that sort of thing, and other rotting and horrible things, 263 00:15:06,790 --> 00:15:10,830 and so - because they are so admired and particularly in Northamptonshire, 264 00:15:10,830 --> 00:15:14,441 a little picnic is spread out for them in midsummer 265 00:15:14,441 --> 00:15:19,670 including rancid pickled mudfish, fox guts, stinking Big Cock shrimp paste, 266 00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:23,350 and Thai Boy shrimp paste, and they seem to like this, 267 00:15:23,350 --> 00:15:25,830 possibly because of its sodium content. 268 00:15:25,830 --> 00:15:28,510 No-one is quite sure but it's a weird thing 269 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:33,100 if you find yourself midsummer in Northamptonshire, follow the smell. 270 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,181 Lots of those beautiful animals. 271 00:15:36,181 --> 00:15:39,340 In a forest, they lay this out, did you say? In a clearing. 272 00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:41,230 You could get into real trouble 273 00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:43,580 if you go looking for a dodgy smell in a forest. 274 00:15:43,580 --> 00:15:46,890 If you go looking for the smell of sodium and shrimp paste, 275 00:15:46,890 --> 00:15:49,980 you might walk into something other than a butterfly celebration. 276 00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:51,070 I'm just saying. 277 00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:53,391 Especially in Northamptonshire. 278 00:15:55,150 --> 00:15:58,340 What are you implying, especially in Northamptonshire? 279 00:15:58,340 --> 00:16:00,390 Just suggesting. 280 00:16:00,390 --> 00:16:03,750 That they indulge in butterfly dogging, is that what you're saying? 281 00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:05,431 Maybe. 282 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:08,800 Anyway, a beautiful animal, the Purple Emperor butterfly. 283 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,700 Likes to start its today with rancid pickled mudfish, 284 00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:15,590 Thai Boy shrimp paste and Big Cock shrimp paste. 285 00:16:15,590 --> 00:16:17,080 Mmm. 286 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,743 What are you, 12? 287 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,181 Come on! 288 00:16:26,181 --> 00:16:29,820 When will the phrase "Big Cock shrimp paste" not be funny? 289 00:16:29,820 --> 00:16:32,870 Never. 290 00:16:32,870 --> 00:16:34,500 All right. 291 00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:38,220 Speaking of mornings, where's the worst place to be 292 00:16:38,220 --> 00:16:40,450 if you're not a morning person? 293 00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:41,890 Funeral. 294 00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:43,301 Ah-ha! 295 00:16:43,301 --> 00:16:44,740 You see, you know me well enough 296 00:16:44,740 --> 00:16:48,020 to know that I say "moor-ning" for that kind. 297 00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:50,380 For so many things, love. 298 00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:51,450 Erm... 299 00:16:51,450 --> 00:16:55,790 Is this somewhere where it's morning all the time or something like that? 300 00:16:55,790 --> 00:16:59,030 Not quite all the time, but you get a lot of mornings. 301 00:16:59,030 --> 00:17:02,061 Some human beings have experienced it. The Space Station. 302 00:17:02,061 --> 00:17:05,311 Yes, the International Space Station. Oh, very good, Dermot. 303 00:17:05,311 --> 00:17:08,790 How many mornings do you think you get in a 24-hour period? 304 00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:11,910 It goes... I did a show about it last year. 305 00:17:11,910 --> 00:17:17,340 It goes 17,500 mph and it laps the planet every 90 minutes. 306 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:18,830 Someone else do the maths! 307 00:17:20,380 --> 00:17:23,950 Very good info. It's 15 mornings you get in a 24-hour period. Wow. 308 00:17:23,950 --> 00:17:26,100 An incredible astronaut called Luca Parmitano, 309 00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:27,700 who I interviewed last year, 310 00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:29,670 almost drowned in his own space suit 311 00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:32,590 because the cooling fluid started leaking into his helmet. 312 00:17:32,590 --> 00:17:33,750 And just as they said, 313 00:17:33,750 --> 00:17:36,950 "Listen, we've got to get you back into the air lock," which was... 314 00:17:36,950 --> 00:17:39,830 You know, he was on a five-hour spacewalk... 315 00:17:39,830 --> 00:17:41,390 The sun went down like that. 316 00:17:41,390 --> 00:17:44,820 And so he immediately was just in pitch-black, pitch darkness. 317 00:17:44,820 --> 00:17:46,790 He had to find his way all the way through. 318 00:17:46,790 --> 00:17:48,870 And I said to him, "How weren't you panicking?" 319 00:17:48,870 --> 00:17:51,330 He said, "It's just training." You know it so well, 320 00:17:51,330 --> 00:17:54,100 because they've got biggest swimming pool in the world there 321 00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:55,510 that they train on underwater, 322 00:17:55,510 --> 00:17:58,980 and he said he was just able to feel every part of the space station. 323 00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:00,630 He knew exactly where he was. 324 00:18:00,630 --> 00:18:04,150 That's absolutely wonderful. It's a great story of survival. 325 00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:06,710 The best ISS story they told me when I was over there - 326 00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:08,340 because the Russians built half of it 327 00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:09,870 and the Americans built half of it, 328 00:18:09,870 --> 00:18:15,150 and so they had to link when it got 250 miles above the Earth. 329 00:18:15,150 --> 00:18:16,420 And... 330 00:18:16,420 --> 00:18:20,061 Excuse me being crude, but one half has to be the female 331 00:18:20,061 --> 00:18:22,390 and one half has to be the male, i.e... 332 00:18:22,390 --> 00:18:23,900 HE CLICKS 333 00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:27,950 And neither the Russians or the Americans wanted to be the female. 334 00:18:27,950 --> 00:18:29,790 Oh, pathetic! 335 00:18:29,790 --> 00:18:31,600 Unbelievable, isn't it? Pathetic! 336 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,740 They had to redesign... So it did a monkey grip? Yeah, pretty much. 337 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,510 Locked in like that. 338 00:18:37,510 --> 00:18:38,943 Childish beyond belief! 339 00:18:40,030 --> 00:18:42,885 Can they redesign everything to...? 340 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,550 We can all... That's just fine. We can all just monkey grip. 341 00:18:47,550 --> 00:18:48,750 That sounds great. 342 00:18:48,750 --> 00:18:50,270 I was with Dermot as far as that, 343 00:18:50,270 --> 00:18:52,329 but I didn't know what the clock was. 344 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:56,030 I mean, I've not been putting myself through 45 degrees. 345 00:18:56,030 --> 00:18:58,181 Have I been making a mistake? Maybe. 346 00:18:58,181 --> 00:18:59,887 That's why I've got two girls. 347 00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:03,670 Didn't follow through. 348 00:19:03,670 --> 00:19:06,241 When... I didn't carry on till there was a click. 349 00:19:07,550 --> 00:19:09,311 HE GIGGLES 350 00:19:09,311 --> 00:19:11,590 And here's some more that Dermot may well know. 351 00:19:11,590 --> 00:19:13,660 How do you brush your teeth in space? 352 00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:15,700 I don't know. You use a powder or something? 353 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:18,230 You brush them normally, but afterwards, obviously, 354 00:19:18,230 --> 00:19:19,950 you can't spit it out. 355 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:23,910 Swallow it? So you swallow it or you spit it into a towel. 356 00:19:23,910 --> 00:19:25,470 Showering? 357 00:19:25,470 --> 00:19:29,350 Er, wet wipes. Wet wipes. Yeah, can't do it. Exactly. Cat's lick. 358 00:19:29,350 --> 00:19:31,830 Space wipes! You can put "space" in front of everything. 359 00:19:31,830 --> 00:19:33,680 Space wipes! 360 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,030 "Gotta use my space brush and my space towel!" 361 00:19:37,030 --> 00:19:39,191 It's like Glastonbury, though. You can't... 362 00:19:39,191 --> 00:19:42,110 You know, quite often you can't get access to showers at Glastonbury, 363 00:19:42,110 --> 00:19:43,830 so you just take a lot of wet wipes, 364 00:19:43,830 --> 00:19:45,400 or a J cloth and some bleach. 365 00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:49,071 It's called a cat's lick wash. 366 00:19:49,071 --> 00:19:53,680 I like that. That's...a certain East London... A cat's lick. 367 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,230 You get a flannel. Cat's lick. You just do the bits that matter. 368 00:19:57,230 --> 00:20:00,420 But they're quite keen on organics at Glastonbury. 369 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:02,422 Do you think they have trained cats? 370 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:05,790 I'm sure they do. 371 00:20:05,790 --> 00:20:08,550 And I'm sure those cats know how to monkey grip as well. 372 00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:11,311 I have a fact for you that I want you to explain how this can be true, 373 00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:12,950 and it is true. 374 00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:15,460 The first British woman in space... 375 00:20:15,460 --> 00:20:16,461 Sue Barker. 376 00:20:17,870 --> 00:20:19,510 Helen Sharman, right. 377 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:23,820 Not just the first British woman in space, the first Briton in space. 378 00:20:23,820 --> 00:20:25,630 She came from Mars. 379 00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:27,590 OK... 380 00:20:27,590 --> 00:20:29,876 Is Mars a place in Northamptonshire? No. 381 00:20:31,181 --> 00:20:33,311 It's not. Slough? 382 00:20:33,311 --> 00:20:35,130 That's where they make Mars Bars. 383 00:20:35,130 --> 00:20:37,980 Yes, she worked for Mars before she worked for the space agency. 384 00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:41,061 She came from Mars. So, she might have come from... 385 00:20:41,061 --> 00:20:44,550 you know, Walkers crisps or something, but she came from Mars. 386 00:20:44,550 --> 00:20:46,760 In fact, she worked on the team that created... 387 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,590 The Milky Way! ..Mars Bar ice cream. 388 00:20:48,590 --> 00:20:50,590 That deserves going into space for. 389 00:20:50,590 --> 00:20:54,340 And the way she became an astronaut is entirely pleasing. 390 00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:55,546 Competition winner. 391 00:20:56,780 --> 00:21:00,140 She was driving along and she heard on the radio, the car radio, 392 00:21:00,140 --> 00:21:05,311 she heard an advert that just said, "Astronauts wanted. 393 00:21:05,311 --> 00:21:08,390 "No previous experience necessary." 394 00:21:08,390 --> 00:21:11,550 And she applied and she got it and she became the first Briton in space. 395 00:21:11,550 --> 00:21:14,270 I think that's really fabulous. I missed those adverts. 396 00:21:14,270 --> 00:21:16,124 When did they play those adverts? 397 00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:24,420 Now, from breakfast time to teatime. 398 00:21:24,420 --> 00:21:29,630 Name two things you can get from a kangaroo's nipple. 399 00:21:29,630 --> 00:21:33,311 Do you see? When I said "teatime," I said "teat time." 400 00:21:33,311 --> 00:21:35,550 Yes. Clever, wasn't it? 401 00:21:35,550 --> 00:21:38,620 I bet they don't lactate. Oh, they do. Is it a trick? 402 00:21:38,620 --> 00:21:41,600 No, they do lactate and that's what's so interesting. 403 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:45,910 Castlemaine XXXX out of one, Foster's out of the other. 404 00:21:45,910 --> 00:21:49,620 They have little babies that are born almost still foetuses. 405 00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:53,540 Like little maggots, they're tiny little wriggly things, called joeys. 406 00:21:53,540 --> 00:21:56,670 And then they have to crawl to the pouch of their own accord. 407 00:21:56,670 --> 00:21:58,620 And the nipples are in the pouch. 408 00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:01,900 But there might be a much older brother or sister in there. 409 00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:04,510 They can do something with their eggs, can't they? 410 00:22:04,510 --> 00:22:08,860 If they're nursing one joey, they can hold off the egg... 411 00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:11,710 No, actually. Quite the reverse, they can have two joeys who are 412 00:22:11,710 --> 00:22:14,390 completely different ages and have different needs. 413 00:22:14,390 --> 00:22:18,510 Yeah. That's the thing. There they are. All these nipples. 414 00:22:18,510 --> 00:22:22,230 And the nipples know whether it is a young joey who needs 415 00:22:22,230 --> 00:22:24,191 a kind of semi-skimmed milk, 416 00:22:24,191 --> 00:22:28,270 which is not so very rich and strong and thick, and there's the older joey 417 00:22:28,270 --> 00:22:30,910 at another nipple, or even the same nipple later on, 418 00:22:30,910 --> 00:22:34,710 and it will know that it's an older joey and give it a much thicker... 419 00:22:34,710 --> 00:22:36,390 And that's a rather magical trick. 420 00:22:36,390 --> 00:22:38,260 It's because of the power of the suction. 421 00:22:38,260 --> 00:22:40,191 The young ones don't suck so hard, 422 00:22:40,191 --> 00:22:44,120 whereas when they really have a go, which the older ones do, they get... 423 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:47,630 How do the scientists find these things out? 424 00:22:47,630 --> 00:22:50,390 What are they doing? 425 00:22:50,390 --> 00:22:53,311 AUSSIE ACCENT: "I'm just popping off down to the kangaroo enclosure 426 00:22:53,311 --> 00:22:54,403 "for a bit of a suck." 427 00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:58,950 "That's rich, that's definitely rich." 428 00:22:58,950 --> 00:23:01,350 "I'm going to suck quite powerfully." 429 00:23:01,350 --> 00:23:03,230 "I'm taking my younger brother. 430 00:23:03,230 --> 00:23:06,270 "My younger brother is going to suck a little bit less." 431 00:23:06,270 --> 00:23:10,670 If you saw a kangaroo with a tiny, tiny joey and a really big joey 432 00:23:10,670 --> 00:23:13,040 both still suckling, 433 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,900 you would wonder if they needed the same sort of proteinous drink. 434 00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:19,830 It wouldn't have crossed my mind, Stephen, to be honest. 435 00:23:19,830 --> 00:23:22,110 I saw one once and they're quite fun. 436 00:23:22,110 --> 00:23:24,670 There was a little joey and the tourists came round 437 00:23:24,670 --> 00:23:27,321 in this wildlife park, and it got a little bit spooked 438 00:23:27,321 --> 00:23:31,480 so it bounded across to its mother and just leapt in, headfirst. 439 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,150 Oh, they do that! 440 00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:35,071 The mother went "Oof," like this, 441 00:23:35,071 --> 00:23:37,640 and then it was stuck in the sack. And you see the legs... 442 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:42,590 She was going, "Oh, for God's sake!" Then his head came out. 443 00:23:42,590 --> 00:23:45,000 You think the legs are going to burst through. 444 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,350 How are they holding that? 445 00:23:47,350 --> 00:23:49,400 A bin liner couldn't hold them. 446 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,840 Stronger than a bin liner. 447 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,321 That's the miracle of kangaroo suckling. 448 00:23:54,321 --> 00:23:56,000 Who do you think...? 449 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,860 PHILL LAUGHS I'm sorry. 450 00:23:58,860 --> 00:24:02,580 This is the only show where I hear sentences like that. 451 00:24:02,580 --> 00:24:06,030 "That's the miracle of kangaroo suckling. Next." 452 00:24:06,030 --> 00:24:08,430 Which mammal has the most nipples? 453 00:24:08,430 --> 00:24:12,550 Well... If I said it came from an M-country, this being an M-series? 454 00:24:12,550 --> 00:24:16,030 Someone from Madagascar. Is the right answer. One of their monkeys? 455 00:24:16,030 --> 00:24:18,110 A lemur? They don't have monkeys in Madagascar. 456 00:24:18,110 --> 00:24:19,980 They do have lemurs, but it's not a lemur. 457 00:24:19,980 --> 00:24:24,620 It is another kind of very small mammal... The great-titted earthworm. 458 00:24:24,620 --> 00:24:27,201 No... A shrew of some sort? 459 00:24:27,201 --> 00:24:28,630 No, well, it's like a shrew 460 00:24:28,630 --> 00:24:31,201 because they don't have shrews or anything or hedgehogs, 461 00:24:31,201 --> 00:24:34,480 but they have a class of mammal that looks exactly like hedgehogs, 462 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:35,840 exactly... An echidna? 463 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,280 ..that have evolved separately and distinctly 464 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:39,941 and they're called tenrecs. 465 00:24:39,941 --> 00:24:42,420 T- E- N- R- E-C. Amazing animals. 466 00:24:42,420 --> 00:24:44,550 And this is obviously not the hedgehog tenrec, 467 00:24:44,550 --> 00:24:48,321 this is the one that boasts a really bizarre number of nipples. 468 00:24:48,321 --> 00:24:50,400 It's 29. 469 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,830 A prime number. Maybe it's a mathematical... 470 00:24:52,830 --> 00:24:56,110 Does it have large litters? Do they have lots of babies? 471 00:24:56,110 --> 00:24:57,710 They do have a lot of babies, yeah. 472 00:24:57,710 --> 00:25:02,321 I don't think they have enough to justify a whopping 29 nipples. 473 00:25:02,321 --> 00:25:04,720 I'm going to give you another little teaser. 474 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,770 When human mothers give suck to their infants, 475 00:25:08,770 --> 00:25:10,431 they are feeding two species. 476 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:16,941 Right? 477 00:25:16,941 --> 00:25:20,510 So the baby is one of them. Yes. One is a human child. 478 00:25:20,510 --> 00:25:23,550 Bacteria? Very specifically, it is the bacteria, 479 00:25:23,550 --> 00:25:26,550 you may say it's feeding the baby and then of course the bacteria, 480 00:25:26,550 --> 00:25:29,480 but this is not feeding the baby, it is only feeding the bacteria. 481 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:33,230 In human breast milk, there are oligosaccharides 482 00:25:33,230 --> 00:25:36,220 and these are indigestible to human babies, 483 00:25:36,220 --> 00:25:40,081 but they are adored by the bacteria in the baby's tummy, 484 00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:42,800 so they bypass the baby's system 485 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,690 to go to the stomach to feed the healthy bacteria. 486 00:25:45,690 --> 00:25:47,690 That's great. Isn't that pleasing? 487 00:25:47,690 --> 00:25:50,990 It's rather nice. See? Mothers, always giving. 488 00:25:50,990 --> 00:25:52,990 Always. Always. 489 00:25:52,990 --> 00:25:56,590 "Who else needs feeding? The bacteria, fine! I'll do it!" 490 00:25:56,590 --> 00:25:59,280 Perfect parasite. 491 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,480 "Well, why didn't you tell me he was coming for dinner? 492 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,050 "I've only made enough..." 493 00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:08,560 Who would like to see some milky magic because I want to show you... 494 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:10,596 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 495 00:26:12,110 --> 00:26:14,408 Stranger danger! APPLAUSE 496 00:26:18,300 --> 00:26:20,120 I wish I hadn't put it like that. 497 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:23,510 If a man says this to you in a park, say no. 498 00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:29,270 RASPING: "Would you like to see my milky magic?" 499 00:26:29,270 --> 00:26:30,750 You know what I meant. 500 00:26:30,750 --> 00:26:33,670 "Would you like to see my milky magic?" 501 00:26:33,670 --> 00:26:35,560 OK, I've got some... Mm! 502 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,131 Here we are... Lovely milky things. 503 00:26:40,310 --> 00:26:43,150 Stop saying it! 504 00:26:43,150 --> 00:26:45,951 Well, now, because here we are. 505 00:26:45,951 --> 00:26:48,640 This is just the thing about milk, there's never enough, 506 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,870 you always want more. 507 00:26:53,961 --> 00:26:57,169 This is what happens when you get to the clearing in Northamptonshire. 508 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:00,770 Bear with me. Here we have... 509 00:27:00,770 --> 00:27:04,480 Here we have some milk. What I'd like to do 510 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:05,947 is just transfer it along the way. 511 00:27:07,790 --> 00:27:10,660 From smaller to larger glasses, as you can see. 512 00:27:10,660 --> 00:27:14,951 This will fill it about halfway up, maybe, just checking the size. 513 00:27:14,951 --> 00:27:19,098 Well, that fills it up completely. That's weird. 514 00:27:19,098 --> 00:27:20,978 That's all right, that's good, 515 00:27:20,978 --> 00:27:23,738 because we've got more than we started out with.... No! 516 00:27:23,738 --> 00:27:26,978 Fast forward, fast forward. With milk... 517 00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:30,179 No! Got to have that, haven't you? 518 00:27:30,179 --> 00:27:32,218 No! That makes sense. 519 00:27:32,218 --> 00:27:34,908 And then see if we can get even more, because what we're doing 520 00:27:34,908 --> 00:27:37,298 is earning ourselves lots and lots of milk. 521 00:27:37,298 --> 00:27:39,498 Which has got to be good, surely. There we are. 522 00:27:39,498 --> 00:27:41,398 Can you do this with wine? 523 00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:48,189 Oh, no! You're Jesus! 524 00:27:50,179 --> 00:27:51,498 APPLAUSE 525 00:27:51,498 --> 00:27:52,908 There. You like that? 526 00:27:58,548 --> 00:27:59,898 It's quite pleasing, isn't it? 527 00:27:59,898 --> 00:28:03,118 "And that's how we get the European milk mountain." 528 00:28:03,118 --> 00:28:06,218 Somehow you can find much out of little 529 00:28:06,218 --> 00:28:08,138 and that's maybe a lesson in life. 530 00:28:08,138 --> 00:28:11,908 Redefines the second coming anyway. Exactly. 531 00:28:11,908 --> 00:28:14,428 Oh, what? Oh, no. 532 00:28:14,428 --> 00:28:17,939 "And then Stephen took a can of tuna, 533 00:28:17,939 --> 00:28:21,858 "and lo, he did share it out amongst the audience." 534 00:28:21,858 --> 00:28:24,548 And that's how much we've now got, out of nowhere. 535 00:28:24,548 --> 00:28:26,498 Which is very pleasing. 536 00:28:26,498 --> 00:28:27,749 APPLAUSE 537 00:28:33,138 --> 00:28:35,778 There we are. 538 00:28:35,778 --> 00:28:38,988 Well, from milk to meat... Whoa, whoa, whoa, 539 00:28:38,988 --> 00:28:41,388 aren't you going to tell us how you did it? 540 00:28:43,658 --> 00:28:45,748 APPLAUSE 541 00:28:45,748 --> 00:28:49,718 Oh, Alan, you know well enough, the milky magician never tells. 542 00:28:52,748 --> 00:28:55,288 Disappointing. Oh, dear! 543 00:28:55,288 --> 00:28:58,138 From milk to meat, so for a meaty question now, 544 00:28:58,138 --> 00:29:03,075 why did five Royalist men from Milton fail to eat their own buttocks? 545 00:29:06,949 --> 00:29:10,498 They were trying to? Yes. That's the weird thing. 546 00:29:10,498 --> 00:29:12,718 That's what that man has just suggested in the corner. 547 00:29:12,718 --> 00:29:15,628 "Guys, look. I think we should eat our own buttocks." 548 00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:18,378 And everyone's, "No." 549 00:29:18,378 --> 00:29:20,838 That's what happened in a pub in Milton. 550 00:29:20,838 --> 00:29:24,308 Too painful for them? Was it a dare, like a bet? 551 00:29:24,308 --> 00:29:27,138 It wasn't a bet. How did I describe...? 552 00:29:27,138 --> 00:29:28,949 See how much they love the king? 553 00:29:28,949 --> 00:29:30,578 Yes, I described them as Royalists 554 00:29:30,578 --> 00:29:34,939 so that must mean they came from the 17th century, Civil War time. 555 00:29:34,939 --> 00:29:38,658 Just to stick it to Cromwell. "Up yours, Cromwell." Cava-lee-ais? 556 00:29:38,658 --> 00:29:43,268 They were Cavaliers, yes. They wanted to toast the king's health. 557 00:29:43,268 --> 00:29:46,428 And they wanted to show that they were more loyal than 558 00:29:46,428 --> 00:29:49,658 just about anyone else, so to hell with beer, to hell with wine, 559 00:29:49,658 --> 00:29:52,418 we're going to toast him in our own blood, 560 00:29:52,418 --> 00:29:55,298 and the best way to get a bit of blood, you'd think, 561 00:29:55,298 --> 00:29:57,268 is just to prick your thumb, but no. 562 00:29:57,268 --> 00:29:58,778 Slice off their buttocks. 563 00:29:58,778 --> 00:30:01,628 But why the bum? How does the bum show you're loyal? 564 00:30:01,628 --> 00:30:05,018 The biggest muscle, they thought they'd have some to spare. 565 00:30:05,018 --> 00:30:08,708 The Royal Fat-Arse Regiment, I don't know. 566 00:30:08,708 --> 00:30:11,138 They probably thought that it wouldn't hurt too much, 567 00:30:11,138 --> 00:30:14,069 but in fact what happens is they sliced off a bit of butt cheek 568 00:30:14,069 --> 00:30:17,939 and it bled profusely. So profusely. It was shocking. 569 00:30:17,939 --> 00:30:21,306 "Men, to the delicatessen. Onto the slicer with you!" 570 00:30:22,658 --> 00:30:24,189 Argh! 571 00:30:24,189 --> 00:30:26,350 "To the king! Wow!" 572 00:30:27,929 --> 00:30:30,318 As long as they didn't have any salami, they'll be fine. 573 00:30:31,628 --> 00:30:35,348 I think the idea was they sat on a gridiron... Ooh! 574 00:30:35,348 --> 00:30:38,148 ..and a bit of buttock poked out and they sliced off... 575 00:30:38,148 --> 00:30:40,189 SHOCKED GASPS 576 00:30:40,189 --> 00:30:43,204 They must have been so pissed when they came up with it. 577 00:30:46,508 --> 00:30:50,268 You'd only even come up with it if you were pissed. 578 00:30:50,268 --> 00:30:54,658 They did that, the blood poured out, and everyone got in a panic. 579 00:30:54,658 --> 00:30:57,748 Their wives heard about it and were furious. 580 00:30:57,748 --> 00:30:59,578 "What's he done?" 581 00:30:59,578 --> 00:31:04,018 "I'm feeding two species, I haven't got time to pick him up!" 582 00:31:04,018 --> 00:31:07,298 There was so much loss of blood, the whole thing was a disaster. 583 00:31:07,298 --> 00:31:10,478 We know about this... You think they still talk about it, 584 00:31:10,478 --> 00:31:14,468 Iike, "Oh, that day. It was such a bad idea. 585 00:31:14,468 --> 00:31:17,308 "From start to finish." Cut to the pub the next day, 586 00:31:17,308 --> 00:31:19,663 "The special today, pork medallions." 587 00:31:21,578 --> 00:31:25,588 Well, the village of Milton was in Berkshire. It's now in Oxfordshire. 588 00:31:25,588 --> 00:31:28,018 And we think the pub is the one that now calls itself 589 00:31:28,018 --> 00:31:32,378 the Plum Pudding, which is rather appropriate somehow. 590 00:31:32,378 --> 00:31:35,059 It was called The Dog at the time of the event. 591 00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:38,498 It's since been called the Red Lion and the Admiral Benbow. 592 00:31:38,498 --> 00:31:40,148 Yeah, during the Civil War, 593 00:31:40,148 --> 00:31:43,858 five men from Milton got rather cavalier with their own buttocks. 594 00:31:43,858 --> 00:31:46,747 What's the most expensive lump of meat in the world? 595 00:31:48,428 --> 00:31:49,349 Royalist buttock. 596 00:31:51,148 --> 00:31:53,628 Very rare. Very rare. Very rare! 597 00:31:53,628 --> 00:31:55,550 Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. 598 00:31:57,468 --> 00:31:59,628 Good answer. He's pricey. 599 00:31:59,628 --> 00:32:02,378 And meaty! Well pricey, well meaty. 600 00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:05,788 Is it the Japan...? Ooh, you're in the right part of the world. 601 00:32:05,788 --> 00:32:07,578 Wagu beef? Type of... 602 00:32:07,578 --> 00:32:10,268 It's not Kobe or Wagu beef, although those are very expensive. 603 00:32:10,268 --> 00:32:13,658 Supposedly massaged and fed on beer and all that sort of thing. 604 00:32:13,658 --> 00:32:15,578 No, this is a piece of art. Oh! 605 00:32:15,578 --> 00:32:17,199 An ancient piece of art. 606 00:32:17,199 --> 00:32:21,278 Qing Dynasty piece of art. Really?! Yeah. A piece of meat 607 00:32:21,278 --> 00:32:24,998 rendered in jasper. Wow. And there it is. A piece of pork belly. 608 00:32:24,998 --> 00:32:28,228 You can see the pork... Still looks great, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. 609 00:32:28,228 --> 00:32:29,458 I would eat that. 610 00:32:29,458 --> 00:32:32,069 I really like pork belly and that... That looks good. 611 00:32:32,069 --> 00:32:34,658 It's nearly six centimetres tall, 612 00:32:34,658 --> 00:32:37,348 and people come from all over the place to see it. 613 00:32:37,348 --> 00:32:40,988 It was recently shown in Japan, where thousands a day came to see it. 614 00:32:40,988 --> 00:32:43,268 When you go to the Far East, they've always got models 615 00:32:43,268 --> 00:32:46,268 of what you can order in the window, haven't they? Yes. 616 00:32:46,268 --> 00:32:50,819 Was this done for a restaurant? Something like that? Maybe it was! 617 00:32:50,819 --> 00:32:53,448 Maybe it was. "Yeah, we got the pork in jasper this week. 618 00:32:53,448 --> 00:32:55,059 "Would you like one of them?" 619 00:32:55,059 --> 00:32:58,998 This one drew 84,000 people for its reasonably short exhibition 620 00:32:58,998 --> 00:33:05,918 in Japan, whereas the Qing Dynasty jadeite cabbage drew even more. 621 00:33:05,918 --> 00:33:08,819 And there it is. Wow. People were fascinated by it. 622 00:33:08,819 --> 00:33:12,468 That jacket at the back there. What was she thinking? 623 00:33:12,468 --> 00:33:14,561 "I like EGGS!" 624 00:33:16,718 --> 00:33:20,228 It's in the National Palace Museum in Taipei. 625 00:33:20,228 --> 00:33:23,388 And there's the meat stone and the jadeite cabbage both there, 626 00:33:23,388 --> 00:33:27,108 and you can buy souvenirs for your mobile phone. 627 00:33:27,108 --> 00:33:30,458 Just in 2012, they sold over a quarter of a million of them, 628 00:33:30,458 --> 00:33:31,658 the museum. 629 00:33:31,658 --> 00:33:35,949 Right, well, there you have it. Jasper meat and jadeite cabbage. 630 00:33:35,949 --> 00:33:38,868 I can't help wondering whether it's supposed to be funny, 631 00:33:38,868 --> 00:33:41,428 as an item - jadeite cabbage. 632 00:33:41,428 --> 00:33:44,308 And so I got on the phone to my friend, Jiang Kun, 633 00:33:44,308 --> 00:33:47,998 who is China's most famous comedian, 634 00:33:47,998 --> 00:33:51,238 and he flew over just to be here to answer that question 635 00:33:51,238 --> 00:33:53,098 with his daughter, Charlotte. 636 00:33:53,098 --> 00:33:57,578 So, JK, where are you? Hello! How are you? Nice to see you. Hi. 637 00:33:57,578 --> 00:33:59,298 I really need to know, 638 00:33:59,298 --> 00:34:02,018 and thank you for coming all the way from China to answer this - 639 00:34:02,018 --> 00:34:06,588 is jadeite cabbage funny in Chinese? 640 00:34:06,588 --> 00:34:09,955 No. LAUGHTER 641 00:34:13,018 --> 00:34:14,838 That's answered that. 642 00:34:16,378 --> 00:34:18,069 Well, there you have it. 643 00:34:18,069 --> 00:34:19,798 I like difference in the world. 644 00:34:21,428 --> 00:34:25,788 Now, onto the smorgasbord of smugness that we call General Ignorance. 645 00:34:25,788 --> 00:34:27,568 Fingers on buzzers, if you please. 646 00:34:27,568 --> 00:34:30,108 I'm going to say this quite fast so listen carefully. 647 00:34:30,108 --> 00:34:33,108 How much sugar in a sugar-free Tic Tac? 648 00:34:33,108 --> 00:34:35,438 # Custard. # 649 00:34:35,438 --> 00:34:38,028 There's no sugar in a sugar-free Tic Tac. 650 00:34:38,028 --> 00:34:40,388 KLAXON 651 00:34:40,388 --> 00:34:42,708 You'd done so well up to this point. 652 00:34:42,708 --> 00:34:46,079 Is it sugar-free doesn't mean there's no sugar, does it? 653 00:34:46,079 --> 00:34:48,158 It does, but within certain limits 654 00:34:48,158 --> 00:34:51,508 according to the Food and Drug Administration. 655 00:34:51,508 --> 00:34:53,388 One calorie. 656 00:34:53,388 --> 00:34:54,668 A little bit. 657 00:34:54,668 --> 00:34:57,998 It's pretty much all sugar, but they're so small, 658 00:34:57,998 --> 00:35:00,998 the law says that if it's only half a gram of sugar it doesn't count 659 00:35:00,998 --> 00:35:03,508 as sugar, it doesn't count as anything. 660 00:35:03,508 --> 00:35:07,358 According to their own website, Tic Tac "registered trademark" mints 661 00:35:07,358 --> 00:35:10,558 do contain sugar as listed in the ingredients statement. 662 00:35:10,558 --> 00:35:12,868 However, since the amount of sugar per serving - 663 00:35:12,868 --> 00:35:14,358 one mint is a serving... 664 00:35:17,358 --> 00:35:21,108 Since the amount of sugar per serving is less than half a gram, 665 00:35:21,108 --> 00:35:26,178 FDA labelling requirements permit the nutrition facts to state 666 00:35:26,178 --> 00:35:28,738 that there are zero grams of sugar per serving. 667 00:35:28,738 --> 00:35:32,356 Unbelievable! And they wonder why people get killed with hammers. 668 00:35:35,228 --> 00:35:36,388 You're weird. 669 00:35:38,829 --> 00:35:42,148 In America, sugar-free Tic Tacs are pretty much all sugar. 670 00:35:42,148 --> 00:35:45,788 When you lose weight, where does most of the fat go? 671 00:35:45,788 --> 00:35:47,158 # Mustard. # 672 00:35:47,158 --> 00:35:48,598 You exhale it. 673 00:35:48,598 --> 00:35:50,188 Is exactly the right answer. 674 00:35:50,188 --> 00:35:51,598 Far and away, most of it. 675 00:35:55,158 --> 00:35:58,389 Very impressed indeed. I'm on the balloon diet. 676 00:36:01,358 --> 00:36:04,156 I spend my time quite light-headed most of the day. 677 00:36:05,238 --> 00:36:08,819 We were going to forfeit you had you said sweat, urine, faeces, 678 00:36:08,819 --> 00:36:11,819 turns into muscle or energy, or any of those things. 679 00:36:11,819 --> 00:36:15,178 No, when you lose weight, your body breaks down the fat cells 680 00:36:15,178 --> 00:36:17,748 and metabolises the compounds into triglycerides 681 00:36:17,748 --> 00:36:22,468 which are made of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen. 682 00:36:22,468 --> 00:36:29,628 For every 10kg of fat lost by your body, 8.4kg are breathed out. 683 00:36:29,628 --> 00:36:33,988 The rest, about 1.6, is fatty water, what they call fatty water, 684 00:36:33,988 --> 00:36:37,949 which is excreted... Oh, dear. ..in urine and sweat. 685 00:36:37,949 --> 00:36:39,819 Fatty water? Fatty water, yes. 686 00:36:39,819 --> 00:36:42,162 He's a really good blues player, isn't he? 687 00:36:44,158 --> 00:36:46,080 Fatty Water, over here. 688 00:36:50,308 --> 00:36:51,878 Yeah, when you lose weight, 689 00:36:51,878 --> 00:36:54,358 most fat you lose comes out of your mouth and nose. 690 00:36:54,358 --> 00:36:58,238 What kind of bird does the Goliath bird-eating spider consume? 691 00:36:58,238 --> 00:37:01,878 Oh, God! Whoa! That should have had a warning. 692 00:37:01,878 --> 00:37:05,268 Whoa! That is fucking horrible. 693 00:37:07,468 --> 00:37:11,748 The little furry animal! It's still there. Still there. Still there. 694 00:37:11,748 --> 00:37:13,998 SHE SCREAMS 695 00:37:13,998 --> 00:37:17,949 Oh, my God! There's a still image of one. 696 00:37:17,949 --> 00:37:20,538 It's not moving any more. Eyes on me. 697 00:37:20,538 --> 00:37:22,998 Eyes on me, eyes on me. It's all right, Phill. 698 00:37:22,998 --> 00:37:24,108 It's OK. I'm all right. 699 00:37:24,108 --> 00:37:26,269 SHE SCREAMS 700 00:37:28,588 --> 00:37:30,670 That was naughty. What?! 701 00:37:33,388 --> 00:37:34,428 Sorry. 702 00:37:34,428 --> 00:37:39,320 What a pathetic reaction. I'd be the same if not for all the therapy. 703 00:37:40,518 --> 00:37:43,829 We should have... No, it's not moving, so that's OK. 704 00:37:43,829 --> 00:37:46,618 They're big - it must be said, they are very big - 705 00:37:46,618 --> 00:37:49,108 and they are called Goliath bird-eating spiders. 706 00:37:49,108 --> 00:37:51,718 But it's never eaten a bird in its life? 707 00:37:51,718 --> 00:37:53,188 Well, that one may not have done 708 00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:55,358 because it's very, very rare for them to eat birds. 709 00:37:55,358 --> 00:37:58,308 It just so happens the person who discovered it happened upon one 710 00:37:58,308 --> 00:38:00,829 eating a hummingbird. And so called it the bird-eating spider. 711 00:38:00,829 --> 00:38:03,878 That's like in your family when you do something once. 712 00:38:05,708 --> 00:38:08,148 "Cariad always gets sick on holiday." 713 00:38:08,148 --> 00:38:10,788 You're like, "It was one time!" 714 00:38:10,788 --> 00:38:13,949 Oh, Poland-invading Adolf! 715 00:38:13,949 --> 00:38:15,951 "Once, I invade Poland!" 716 00:38:19,668 --> 00:38:21,908 He was just eating the hummingbird, just eating it, 717 00:38:21,908 --> 00:38:24,268 and he was like, "Oh, no! This is not what I normally do. 718 00:38:24,268 --> 00:38:27,448 "What? No, stop writing that name down! Stop it! 719 00:38:27,448 --> 00:38:28,908 "I was just really hungry." 720 00:38:28,908 --> 00:38:32,238 That's more or less the story of the Goliath bird-eating hummingbird... 721 00:38:32,238 --> 00:38:34,438 Er, hummingbird eating spider. 722 00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:37,518 They live in South America and they are a form of tarantula. 723 00:38:37,518 --> 00:38:39,238 They will eat insects 724 00:38:39,238 --> 00:38:41,308 and very small... 725 00:38:41,308 --> 00:38:43,268 Oh, God! 726 00:38:43,268 --> 00:38:45,188 Somebody help her! 727 00:38:45,188 --> 00:38:48,362 Somebody help her, it's on her face and she doesn't know! 728 00:38:51,188 --> 00:38:52,438 Despite its name, 729 00:38:52,438 --> 00:38:55,988 the Goliath bird-eating spider usually just eats worms. 730 00:38:55,988 --> 00:38:59,438 Alan. Hello. Let's bring this to a beautiful conclusion. 731 00:38:59,438 --> 00:39:01,486 Cariad has been bitten by a snake. 732 00:39:02,868 --> 00:39:04,308 What's happening to me?! 733 00:39:04,308 --> 00:39:07,089 This is not I'm A Celebrity! 734 00:39:07,089 --> 00:39:09,188 What should you do? 735 00:39:09,188 --> 00:39:11,108 Suck her. 736 00:39:11,108 --> 00:39:13,598 KLAXON 737 00:39:13,598 --> 00:39:15,878 In every sense, no. 738 00:39:15,878 --> 00:39:17,550 You can't afford it, love! 739 00:39:18,878 --> 00:39:22,158 APPLAUSE 740 00:39:22,158 --> 00:39:25,628 Even when you've been bitten by a cobra... 741 00:39:25,628 --> 00:39:28,338 You're going to haggle prices. Oh, yeah. 742 00:39:28,338 --> 00:39:31,125 You'd soon drop your prices once you've tried it. 743 00:39:36,238 --> 00:39:38,518 Do you tourniquet it? 744 00:39:38,518 --> 00:39:40,748 KLAXON 745 00:39:40,748 --> 00:39:42,748 Not even a tourniquet. 746 00:39:42,748 --> 00:39:46,908 Guys, I'm dying! I've been bitten by a snake! 747 00:39:46,908 --> 00:39:48,808 The spider's coming! SHE SQUEALS 748 00:39:50,548 --> 00:39:53,839 Stay still so it doesn't go round your blood. Is that in there? 749 00:39:53,839 --> 00:39:57,605 Well, if you're not near a car, but drive her to a hospital. 750 00:39:58,829 --> 00:40:02,310 Take the snake if you can. Exactly, or a photograph of it. 751 00:40:07,188 --> 00:40:09,534 I didn't say selfie! 752 00:40:09,534 --> 00:40:11,884 It was sort of implicit in the question 753 00:40:11,884 --> 00:40:14,974 that Cariad and I were alone somewhere. 754 00:40:14,974 --> 00:40:17,584 Not on the M4 or something. 755 00:40:17,584 --> 00:40:19,334 I had to take drastic actions, 756 00:40:19,334 --> 00:40:23,134 despite her constant demands for money. 757 00:40:23,134 --> 00:40:26,454 Why am I on the M4 with you? What happened to me beforehand? 758 00:40:26,454 --> 00:40:28,324 You're going to Reading! Come on! 759 00:40:28,324 --> 00:40:31,734 Where did we find a venomous snake on the M4? 760 00:40:31,734 --> 00:40:33,815 I suppose... Adder... An adder. 761 00:40:33,815 --> 00:40:36,424 Very unlikely. My dad got bitten by an adder 762 00:40:36,424 --> 00:40:38,384 on the golf course. 763 00:40:38,384 --> 00:40:40,734 How old is he? My step-sister, who's a GP, said, 764 00:40:40,734 --> 00:40:43,464 "No, that's just a scratch from a bramble. It's not a snake bite." 765 00:40:43,464 --> 00:40:46,384 And then his leg nearly came off. It went black. 766 00:40:46,384 --> 00:40:48,794 So, yeah, my aunt went down to the golf club 767 00:40:48,794 --> 00:40:50,864 and said "Are there adders in the golf club?" 768 00:40:50,864 --> 00:40:53,614 to the groundsman. And he said, "Oh, yes. 769 00:40:53,614 --> 00:40:55,468 "They've been reintroduced." 770 00:40:57,945 --> 00:41:00,864 What sort of backward thinking is that?! 771 00:41:00,864 --> 00:41:02,894 "This is what we haven't got enough of, 772 00:41:02,894 --> 00:41:04,589 "venomous snakes in the long rough." 773 00:41:07,184 --> 00:41:11,734 Well, it adds a little, because it was getting too easy, that par-4. 774 00:41:11,734 --> 00:41:15,224 The answer is if you do go somewhere where you think there may be 775 00:41:15,224 --> 00:41:18,094 venomous snakes, find out where the nearest hospital is 776 00:41:18,094 --> 00:41:21,894 that has antivenom, because that's really the best thing you can have. 777 00:41:21,894 --> 00:41:25,014 But in Britain it's going to be fine. An adder is not going to kill. 778 00:41:25,014 --> 00:41:28,504 I would still offer to suck you, Cariad. 779 00:41:28,504 --> 00:41:31,024 It's the right thing to do. 780 00:41:31,024 --> 00:41:35,264 If your friend has been bitten by a snake, all you need is car keys. 781 00:41:35,264 --> 00:41:37,224 Any other course of action sucks. 782 00:41:37,224 --> 00:41:40,695 Which brings us to the end of our feast of questions, 783 00:41:40,695 --> 00:41:44,104 and so all that's left for me to do is to let you know... Ooh! 784 00:41:44,104 --> 00:41:45,584 How the scores are doing. 785 00:41:45,584 --> 00:41:47,174 They're doing rather wonderfully. 786 00:41:47,174 --> 00:41:50,224 In first place with a magnificent plus four, 787 00:41:50,224 --> 00:41:52,224 wearing plus-fours, 788 00:41:52,224 --> 00:41:54,534 is Phill Jupitus! 789 00:41:54,534 --> 00:41:57,389 APPLAUSE 790 00:41:58,935 --> 00:42:02,815 And with a very stunning score of nothing, 791 00:42:02,815 --> 00:42:05,174 wearing nothing - oh, that doesn't work - 792 00:42:05,174 --> 00:42:08,044 zero, Cariad! 793 00:42:08,044 --> 00:42:10,979 APPLAUSE 794 00:42:14,024 --> 00:42:18,144 It seems so unfair, because he had the most information, 795 00:42:18,144 --> 00:42:21,374 but third-place for Dermot O'Leary with minus ten! 796 00:42:21,374 --> 00:42:24,309 APPLAUSE 797 00:42:29,384 --> 00:42:32,594 And a very respectable - for Alan - minus 16! 798 00:42:32,594 --> 00:42:34,710 APPLAUSE 799 00:42:40,264 --> 00:42:44,094 So it's thank you from Cariad, Phill, Dermot, Alan and me, 800 00:42:44,094 --> 00:42:47,184 and I leave you with this mealtime story 801 00:42:47,184 --> 00:42:48,945 about rissoles. 802 00:42:48,945 --> 00:42:51,825 Man goes into a restaurant and looks at the menu 803 00:42:51,825 --> 00:42:54,784 and says to the waiter, "I'll have some pissoles, please." 804 00:42:54,784 --> 00:42:57,584 And the waiter says, "No, sir, that's an R." 805 00:42:57,584 --> 00:43:00,664 He says, "Oh, I'll have some R-soles then." Thank you. 806 00:43:00,664 --> 00:43:03,326 APPLAUSE