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This programme contains
some strong language.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Goo-oo-oo-ood evening.

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Good evening, good evening,
good evening, and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we're doing
the Monster Mash.

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Let's meet the nameless horrors
that lurk in our monstrous shadows.

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The malformed Josh Widdicombe...

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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..the mutated Phill Jupitus...

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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..the misbegotten Sara Pascoe...

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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..and the complete monstrosity
Alan Davies.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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IN MENACING VOICE:
Now, let's hear your scary noises.

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Sarah goes...

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WOMAN SCREAMS

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Josh goes...

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MONSTER GROWLS

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Phill goes...

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WOLF HOWLS

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And Alan goes...
CHICKEN CLUCKS

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LAUGHTER

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Too terrible to contemplate.

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Let's start with
a monster mix-and-match.

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Here are some cards
you'll find under your desk.

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The fronts and the backs. Oh!

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And we want you
to see if you can make

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some kind of monster -
and name it if you can.

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Oh, right. Name it? Mm.

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OK. You've got bottoms, Alan...

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I'm a classic bottom.
I'm a classic top.

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..and Josh has got tops.

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What have you got there?
Alan Davies has got gorgeous legs.

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LAUGHTER
Hey...

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What you've created there
is a human.

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I'd say it's borderline, Stephen.
Too terrible to contemplate. Yeah.

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Here we go, here we go, all right...
OK, OK.

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You don't know what I've put,
then we'll look in a minute. OK.

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Ooh. OK. There we go.

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Ah, a lionfish.

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Now, that's interesting,
cos the lionfish does exist.

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Unlike the merlion
that we have created...

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Ah, the merlion is a very good...

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..which would sing on the rocks
by the coast of Africa

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and lure deer to their deaths.

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Well, Alan, there you've got
an ant...

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An ant cow.

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Yeah, we've got the...

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Basically, what you've got there is

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an ungulate that will ruin a picnic.

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Well, we can go through
some of these.

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Certainly a lionfish exists. OK.

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There's a bounty on them,
if you catch them in the Caribbean.

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They destroy the habitat -
they're so successful

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there's almost nothing that can get
them, and they can eat everything.

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Try making one to order.
See if you can make a Minotaur. OK.

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Minotaur... Oh, Minotaur...

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So, it's... Bull's head.
Bull's head's on there.

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Chap's bottom, isn't it? A Minotaur.
Yeah. Rather than a lion?

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There we go.

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No-one's quite sure whether
it should have...

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the human top with
a bull's bottom, but...

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We've made a Minotaur.
Oh, yeah. He looks really muscly.

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That's not as scary
as I thought it was going to be.

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I'm going to say
pop your cards away. Oh.

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I've just made a mermaid, Stephen.

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You've done a lovely mermaid -
well done.

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That's definitely one
that was available.

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There are all kinds
of things available -

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the myrmecoleon, which is also known
as a formicaleon.

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This is a lion head and
an ant body. What?!

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In medieval bestiaries, they
were very sure that that existed.

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They held it to be bigger
than an ant.

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Basically, it lived in a little pit
and pulled in things.

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How big was it?
A bit like a large ant.

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Oh, like a large ant.

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I feel like someone who had a very
low pain threshold is the person

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who was like, "No, promise you,
it was a lion what bit me but it was
very small.

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"It came out of a tiny hole."

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Yeah, well, they do exist, antlions.
Americans call them doodlebugs.

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They live in a pit and they pull in
anything that falls in. Wow!

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Mermaids and mermen, obviously,
are the human body with a fish tail.

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People think, you know,
sailors fall in love with mermaids

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and how can they consummate
their relationship? You know...

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Fertilise the eggs, Stephen.
Exactly, it's very simple.

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She lays her eggs on a rock
or something

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and you fertilise them -
what's the problem with that?

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The sailor has to sail back to
his waters where he was spawned

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and take the mermaid with him.

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So, he has to go back to,
I don't know, Dorking...

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Yes, that it might be.

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..find a pond,
pop his new fishwife in there.

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JOSH: Fishwife!
She lays her eggs

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and then he has to be arrested
for indecent public exposure

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at a boating pond.

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And one that you get points for
because it does exist

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is the merlion.

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Yeah, which you came up with -
a merlion -

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which is the lion head and
a fish tail. Yeah. Really?

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Yeah, the national symbol
of Singapore.

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Is it? Oh...thank you, Singapore.

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Yeah. They give you those points.

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The hippocampus.
Hippopotamus.

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Thank you for replying
with another animal.

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LAUGHTER
You're doing very well.

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Hip-po replacement.

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But...hippocampus is...

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The hipster campus is, it's...

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runs coffee bars in Shoreditch...
LAUGHTER

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..in a very effeminate way.

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Well, as you probably know,

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it's part of the brain,
the hippocampus,

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but why is it called
the hippocampus?

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The shape of it. Is...?

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It's the shape of a seahorse.

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But a hippocampus,
as a mythical beast,

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had a horse front
and a fish tail. Oh...

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And so did they think that
before they found the seahorse

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or they thought there were
two separate seahorses?

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No, there are seahorses in
the Mediterranean, so I suppose...

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Let's find out sometime - not now.

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LAUGHTER

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That is surely the opposite of
what this show is about.

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I panicked, all right?
I just panicked.

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People love seahorses because

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it's the male who gestates the
babies, isn't it, with seahorses?

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Which is always so lovely.

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I've dived amongst them and I was
just shocked by how small they are.

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You must have...

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They are tiny. Well, I've seen them
in the London Aquariums. Oh, right.

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They have a very long thin tank
that they go up and down -

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it's quite sweet.

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I assume that's
what they want to do,

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otherwise it feels a bit unfair.
Would be cruel.

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They have to just go up and down.

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They're very horse-like as well
in the way they feed... They race.

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..they browse in the weeds.

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They browse in the weeds, looking...

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They have little stalls
and they all get in.

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LAUGHTER
At the races.

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There's always one that doesn't want
to go and they have to take him off.

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So, no matter what monster
you imagine,

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you can be pretty sure that
someone else made it first.

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Here's a monster that someone
made earlier,

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but what is it and
what's it made from?

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Oh.... Oh, my gosh.

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Is it carved? Mm...
Is it made from bone?

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It's a type of mermaid that was
very popular in the 19th century.

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It's called a Fiji mermaid. Ooh...

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People would come from miles
to see it.

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It was shown off at carnivals,

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and it was made from fish
and household bits and pieces.

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For a long time,
people thought it was made by

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the addition of a monkey's head
with a fish.

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And this particular one was acquired
by the Wellcome Collection in 1919,

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and then later by the fabulous
Horniman Museum.

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Do you know the Horniman Museum?
Yeah, I live near there.

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Do you? It's in Forest Hill.
It's brilliant, yeah.

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It is an incredible place.

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A genuine museum of curiosities
of the most fascinating kind.

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I've been there too - it's great.
It is good. It's a fine place.

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You just saying that
cos I said I've been there?

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LAUGHTER
I go every week. Largely, yeah.

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Cos when you said you went to
the aquarium, I didn't jump on it.

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Like, "Oh, yeah, I've been."

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I let you have your time in the sun.

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"Time in the sun."

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When you say household bits and
pieces... Yeah.

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..what, like...

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LAUGHTER

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..sticky-backed plastic?

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Well... Fairy liquid bottle?

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You'd be surprised to know that
recent CT scans

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and DNA tests have been done
on this fellow, and they revealed

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that no monkeys were harmed
in its making,

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but it is a fish and the rest
is made from

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fabric of a wooden frame

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supporting a papier mache head

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with a fish's jaw. Wow.

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So, kind of household. Papier mache
is usually bits of newspaper

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or paper, isn't it, mashed up?

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SARA GASPS
Oh, wow!

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There we go.

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Now, look. You see, now...

186
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So, were they
supposed to be scary creatures?

187
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It is quite scary.

188
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You can picture it scampering
in your bedroom or something.

189
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They were a lot sexier once they
added the hair and the shell bras.

190
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Exactly. But you'll be pleased
to know that

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this is a result of the CT scans,

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which were made by
the Horniman Museum for us,

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and Dr James Moffatt
of St George's University in London

194
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translated the CT scan data into

195
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this 3- D printing
of the original. Wow!

196
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So, this is a 3- D printing.

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Isn't it good? Yeah!
Yeah, we like that.

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APPLAUSE

199
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And you can see how detailed it is.

200
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Even the little holes and flaws
in the fish tail.

201
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Have you been to
St George's Hospital?

202
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It's really excellent.

203
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LAUGHTER
Now...

204
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I'm not going to play this game.

205
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Ergh! Ergh!

206
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I genuinely jumped.

207
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LAUGHTER

208
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You've seen them on Dartmoor,
haven't you, Widdicombe?

209
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What are your monsters called?
We've got... On Dartmoor? Yeah.

210
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We've got the Hairy Hand.
Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?

211
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Which is a... No.

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PHILL: You get it
when you're about 15.

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LAUGHTER

214
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The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand
that would appear from nowhere

215
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if you were driving along
the B3021... Pissed.

216
00:09:43,890 --> 00:09:46,720
..and it would steer you
off the road.

217
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But there's... "Officer!" "Officer!"

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IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
"And it smelt of cider, didn't it?"

219
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"It dropped its pint on me,
and then it drove me off the road."

220
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One of the people that claimed

221
00:10:00,971 --> 00:10:03,730
he'd been steered off the road
by the Hairy Hand,

222
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he described it as invisible.

223
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LAUGHTER

224
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Oh, bless him for trying.

225
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There's the old curse about
the Monkey Wishing Hand,

226
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which it seems is
where that's coming from. Oh, yeah.

227
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What's that? What's that?

228
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,890
It's a dead one of those.

229
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:24,972
LAUGHTER

230
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What's that? What's that?

231
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:29,460
What's that? What's that?

232
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It's a herd of those.

233
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I've got loads of them.

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APPLAUSE

235
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Now, the Horniman Museum,

236
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which gave us access to the original
of this...

237
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Probably went there before Sara.

238
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:49,610
..it was all arranged by a man who's
in the audience tonight

239
00:10:49,610 --> 00:10:51,330
from the Horniman Museum,

240
00:10:51,330 --> 00:10:53,560
and it's Paolo Viscardi.
Can you give us a wave?

241
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,530
There you are.
Thank you very much, Paolo.

242
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APPLAUSE

243
00:10:59,690 --> 00:11:01,721
Grazie.

244
00:11:01,721 --> 00:11:05,280
Who do you recognise more,
me or Alan?

245
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,770
Who's been more often? Yeah.

246
00:11:07,770 --> 00:11:10,900
So, Jenny.
Do you know about Jenny Haniver?

247
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,410
No. Jenny Agutter.

248
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:14,290
Jenny Agutter you know about?
That's good.

249
00:11:14,290 --> 00:11:16,971
Let me add another Jenny
to your list of Jennys.

250
00:11:16,971 --> 00:11:19,000
Let's see some pictures
of Jenny Haniver.

251
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,450
Was she on the front of a boat?
Whoa. Oh!

252
00:11:21,450 --> 00:11:23,280
Lord, that's Doctor Who.

253
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,330
That's a box of props
from Doctor Who.

254
00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:27,250
It does look like it, doesn't it?

255
00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:28,770
It's the Ku Klux Klams.

256
00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:31,375
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

257
00:11:33,890 --> 00:11:35,360
Can you guess what they are?

258
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:38,610
You burn one cross...
Fish. They're fish.

259
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:41,490
They are flatfish.
They're skates. Skate. Oh, skate.

260
00:11:41,490 --> 00:11:43,890
Rays or skates would be carved
in these shapes -

261
00:11:43,890 --> 00:11:45,760
it was known as Jenny Hanivers.

262
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,550
Mostly sailors from Antwerp
who seemed to do this -

263
00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:50,290
it was their specialist art.

264
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:52,210
Other sailors did scrimshaw,
you know,

265
00:11:52,210 --> 00:11:54,340
and they did Jenny Haniver.

266
00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:55,851
Very odd, but they exist,

267
00:11:55,851 --> 00:11:58,981
and you can see that they exist,
because they're there in a box.

268
00:11:58,981 --> 00:12:01,010
LAUGHTER

269
00:12:01,010 --> 00:12:02,971
Discarded, unwanted.

270
00:12:02,971 --> 00:12:05,700
The ones in the middle that look
like they're wearing glasses

271
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:07,180
are the best ones. They are.

272
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:09,180
If they started singing,
you'd shit yourself.

273
00:12:09,180 --> 00:12:12,180
LAUGHTER

274
00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:13,650
# Doo-doo doo-doo dum... #

275
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,732
HE SCREAMS

276
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:20,721
Now, describe the mammoth
moles of Siberia.

277
00:12:20,721 --> 00:12:25,829
They're huge and they live
underground. Right... Yeah. Next.

278
00:12:27,910 --> 00:12:31,750
Consider the word mammoth. Woolly.
Mammoth. Where is it from?

279
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,910
What language might it be from?
Welsh. Russian?

280
00:12:34,910 --> 00:12:37,880
No, but it's that... Almost...
Cornish? Is it kind of Celtic?

281
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:41,520
Baltic/Nordic. They consider
themselves Nordic people.

282
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:42,550
Norway.

283
00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:44,270
LAUGHTER

284
00:12:44,270 --> 00:12:46,230
They really, really ARE Nordic.

285
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:49,470
These people, most people wouldn't
think of them immediately as Nordic.

286
00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:52,570
They'd think of them as Baltic.
Latvia, Estonia... Yeah, Estonia.

287
00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:55,880
Is it? OK. The wonderful country
of Estonia. I've never been there.

288
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,190
Sara, have you?

289
00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:59,030
LAUGHTER

290
00:12:59,030 --> 00:13:01,260
I've got a lifetime membership card.

291
00:13:01,260 --> 00:13:03,851
I can go for free as many
times as I like.

292
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,341
Lovely gardens.

293
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,600
Well, they have a language
that is very

294
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,890
separate from the languages
of their neighbours.

295
00:13:11,890 --> 00:13:16,010
It's Finno-Ugric. It's related to
Finnish and Hungarian.

296
00:13:16,010 --> 00:13:20,310
And the word "mammoth" is one of the
theirs and it means "earth mole".

297
00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:21,841
Does it?

298
00:13:21,841 --> 00:13:23,080
It means "earth mole".

299
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,260
And the reason is that
it was thought...

300
00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:28,530
When mammoths were discovered
they were always underground,

301
00:13:28,530 --> 00:13:31,470
and they thought they lived
underground and were killed

302
00:13:31,470 --> 00:13:34,350
by breathing air by coming up
and maybe that's what killed them.

303
00:13:34,350 --> 00:13:36,410
And so that's why
they got the name mammoth.

304
00:13:36,410 --> 00:13:39,630
But when were the last mammoths,
do you think, in thousands of years?

305
00:13:39,630 --> 00:13:41,520
1940s. Very cold. 1940s!

306
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:42,999
LAUGHTER

307
00:13:44,731 --> 00:13:47,090
200,000 years ago. 10,000 years ago.

308
00:13:47,090 --> 00:13:49,220
I would say three million years ago.

309
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:52,210
It's more recent than you might
think. It's 4,000 years ago.

310
00:13:52,210 --> 00:13:55,140
Really? There was a herd of them
in... Essex.

311
00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:57,370
..Wrangel Island in the Arctic.

312
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:01,397
So when they were there in a herd
the Great Pyramid of Cheops

313
00:14:01,397 --> 00:14:03,857
was already 1,000 years old.
So it was civilisation?

314
00:14:03,857 --> 00:14:07,457
So they overlapped with man,
very much so, yeah. Wow.

315
00:14:07,457 --> 00:14:09,867
But there is a company called Revive
and Restore

316
00:14:09,867 --> 00:14:12,327
that is looking to
re-introduce mammoths.

317
00:14:12,327 --> 00:14:14,707
They think they can take some genes,

318
00:14:14,707 --> 00:14:19,062
do some gene juggling with Asian
elephants and create a mammoth.

319
00:14:19,062 --> 00:14:21,652
It's a very extraordinary thought.

320
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,782
Aw! Bless. Asian elephants with
the small ears.

321
00:14:23,782 --> 00:14:26,307
Yes, just before
they have their genes juggled.

322
00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:32,853
"Aw! Come into the lab now. I've
just got to cut your ovaries open."

323
00:14:32,853 --> 00:14:35,853
It's genome editing
is what they call it.

324
00:14:35,853 --> 00:14:39,422
We're hoping they would need
to live in the tundra

325
00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:43,212
and one of the reasons we hope
that is that they'll reintroduce

326
00:14:43,212 --> 00:14:46,062
certain grasses, the way they eat
and the way they move.

327
00:14:46,062 --> 00:14:47,332
They move the seeds around.

328
00:14:47,332 --> 00:14:51,212
Yeah, and the permafrost there where
they used to roam is really,

329
00:14:51,212 --> 00:14:53,942
really beneficial to
the environment.

330
00:14:53,942 --> 00:14:57,452
It contains two to three times as
much carbon as the world's
rainforests.

331
00:14:57,452 --> 00:14:59,072
That would be amazing. Yeah.

332
00:14:59,072 --> 00:15:02,652
That could be good aside from the
fact it would be delightful to think
of them anyway.

333
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:04,932
If they're free and out on
the tundra that's amazing.

334
00:15:04,932 --> 00:15:07,782
I thought they would just be
breeding them to put them in
captivity,

335
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,612
so we could go, "Oh, you're back."

336
00:15:09,612 --> 00:15:12,622
They're going to put them in one of
those tubes like the London
Aquarium.

337
00:15:12,622 --> 00:15:14,172
They could swim up and down.

338
00:15:14,172 --> 00:15:17,692
No, there's a man called Sergey
Zimov who has created

339
00:15:17,692 --> 00:15:21,372
an experimental preserve in Siberia
that he's called Pleistocene Park.

340
00:15:21,372 --> 00:15:23,772
Wow. So could you do that with
other...?

341
00:15:23,772 --> 00:15:26,772
Is it possible that this will
become a thing that will happen?

342
00:15:26,772 --> 00:15:27,973
T Rex. I guess it is, yeah.

343
00:15:27,973 --> 00:15:30,182
I think it's a question of when
rather than if.

344
00:15:30,182 --> 00:15:33,222
I think it would be a foolish person
to say it could never happen.

345
00:15:33,222 --> 00:15:34,662
If there's human will behind it,

346
00:15:34,662 --> 00:15:36,342
and it's not illegal,
and it's not...

347
00:15:36,342 --> 00:15:38,342
Maybe not velociraptors.

348
00:15:38,342 --> 00:15:40,022
No, we've got a warning there

349
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,532
cos you see what they do in
a kitchen. Yeah.

350
00:15:42,532 --> 00:15:47,022
Less bother in a kitchen than
Gordon Ramsay. Well, that's true.

351
00:15:47,022 --> 00:15:51,652
JOSH: Do you reckon in 4,000 years
they'll be trying to recreate
Gordon Ramsay?

352
00:15:52,983 --> 00:15:54,702
PHILL: Wow!
JOSH: For a dare.

353
00:15:54,702 --> 00:15:56,983
They'll think...
PHILL: Imagine herds of them

354
00:15:56,983 --> 00:15:58,942
sweeping across. Hear their cry.

355
00:15:58,942 --> 00:16:00,660
"Fuck!"

356
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,942
"Why don't you grow some balls?"

357
00:16:03,942 --> 00:16:08,382
"What's this? It's a stupid person
sandwich."

358
00:16:08,382 --> 00:16:09,622
Lawks!

359
00:16:09,622 --> 00:16:14,172
Now, what kind of animal does
this skull belong to?

360
00:16:14,172 --> 00:16:18,302
Toothy. Well... He's very toothy.
..Iooks dinosaur-y to me.

361
00:16:18,302 --> 00:16:21,542
Well, you can certainly tell
that it's not herbivore,

362
00:16:21,542 --> 00:16:23,062
it's not vegetarian, can't you?

363
00:16:23,062 --> 00:16:25,252
Is it...a killer rabbit?
Sabre-toothed tiger?

364
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:26,892
Is it a sabre-toothed tiger?

365
00:16:26,892 --> 00:16:29,942
No, it's a bit smaller than that.
Is it a tiny mouse?

366
00:16:29,942 --> 00:16:33,583
LAUGHTER
It's a little bit bigger than that.

367
00:16:33,583 --> 00:16:36,694
It's a species we've mentioned
already...

368
00:16:36,694 --> 00:16:38,694
Is it a mole? It's a mole!
A mole! Is it?

369
00:16:38,694 --> 00:16:40,243
That's a mole. Well done.

370
00:16:40,243 --> 00:16:43,132
APPLAUSE
Well done.

371
00:16:44,843 --> 00:16:48,603
The species, not surprisingly, is
called the star-nosed mole, and...

372
00:16:48,603 --> 00:16:51,183
It looks like that guy from
Futurama, doesn't it?

373
00:16:51,183 --> 00:16:53,973
It does. Zoidberg. Zoidberg. Yeah.

374
00:16:53,973 --> 00:16:56,413
IMITATES ZOIDBERG:
Well, when you look like Zoidberg...

375
00:16:56,413 --> 00:16:57,539
LAUGHTER

376
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:01,760
It's a wonderful mole.

377
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,430
They live underground, and we don't
have much to do with them,

378
00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:06,430
but they're equipped
with special powers.

379
00:17:06,430 --> 00:17:09,500
For example,
they can smell in stereo,

380
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:12,450
so they can tell when something
is coming, from which direction.

381
00:17:12,450 --> 00:17:14,570
So they'd be very useful in a lift,
wouldn't they?

382
00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:16,910
They'd be able to say,
"It was you. It was you.

383
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,780
"Don't lie - it was you."

384
00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:21,130
And they have toxins
with which they paralyse

385
00:17:21,130 --> 00:17:23,260
and stun the worms that they eat.

386
00:17:23,260 --> 00:17:25,970
Why would they want to do that
if they've got the worm anyway?

387
00:17:25,970 --> 00:17:28,060
So they can eat it later.
So they can eat it later.

388
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:30,140
So they find it and go...
They have larders.

389
00:17:30,140 --> 00:17:32,900
.."tasty, but lunchtime."
Exactly. Deferred pleasure.

390
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,930
Pop it in their larder. Eurgh...

391
00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:38,130
But they're...
That's amazing. PHILL: Christ!

392
00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:42,050
Yeah. They need a lot of sustenance
because they do a lot of work.

393
00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:43,740
They do extraordinary tunnelling.

394
00:17:43,740 --> 00:17:47,490
They can dig 150 feet
of new tunnels a day.

395
00:17:47,490 --> 00:17:49,571
Now, given their size and weight

396
00:17:49,571 --> 00:17:52,691
that is the equivalent of a human
moving four tonnes -

397
00:17:52,691 --> 00:17:56,370
about 1,000 shovel loads -
every 20 minutes.

398
00:17:56,370 --> 00:17:58,380
Why didn't we get them
to do the Channel Tunnel?

399
00:17:58,380 --> 00:18:01,630
LAUGHTER
It would've been amazing - and cute.

400
00:18:01,630 --> 00:18:05,770
Yeah, about 400 of them -
Crossrail, done in a fortnight.

401
00:18:05,770 --> 00:18:09,100
LAUGHTER
We're missing something. Huh?

402
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:10,465
APPLAUSE

403
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:16,350
They're very territorial
and solitary, though,

404
00:18:16,350 --> 00:18:17,940
and the females mate...

405
00:18:17,940 --> 00:18:21,490
and as soon as they've mated,
germinated, ovulated,
whatever things females do,

406
00:18:21,490 --> 00:18:22,660
erm...

407
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:24,260
LAUGHTER

408
00:18:24,260 --> 00:18:25,780
It's complicated!

409
00:18:25,780 --> 00:18:27,310
It's complicated.

410
00:18:27,310 --> 00:18:29,140
Once they've done that,

411
00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:33,340
their gonads then put out
enormous quantities of testosterone,

412
00:18:33,340 --> 00:18:37,500
so that they become very aggressive
and territorial. That's amazing.

413
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:40,821
And they then go back to
a solitary life like a male.
So they become sort of male.

414
00:18:40,821 --> 00:18:43,980
Did you know that hyenas...
female hyenas have penises... Yes.

415
00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:46,210
..that they have to give birth
through.

416
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:48,260
Ooh... Yes.

417
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,581
Oh, an audible gasp!
They're fake penises, though...

418
00:18:50,581 --> 00:18:53,930
What ARE they laughing at?!
They're not real penises.
They don't work like one.

419
00:18:53,930 --> 00:18:55,290
HE CACKLES LIKE A HYENA

420
00:18:55,290 --> 00:18:57,380
LAUGHTER

421
00:18:57,380 --> 00:19:00,930
So their body has to basically
put them to sleep to give birth,

422
00:19:00,930 --> 00:19:03,990
they have to release so many
relaxants to be able to do it. Oh...

423
00:19:03,990 --> 00:19:08,220
I know. Incredible. Isn't that
amazing, though? Yeah. Phenomenal.

424
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:12,702
Anyway, now, name all the members
of the Monstrous Regiment of Women.

425
00:19:13,890 --> 00:19:14,982
Beryl?

426
00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:18,540
Linda... Jean.

427
00:19:18,540 --> 00:19:21,190
..Shirley. Angry Sue.

428
00:19:21,190 --> 00:19:23,260
LAUGHTER
She's the leader.

429
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:25,980
Have you heard of
The Monstrous Regiment Of Women?

430
00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:29,750
The First Blast Of The Trumpet
Against The Monstrous... Oh!

431
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:31,970
John Knox. Yes, John Knox.
I knew you would've...

432
00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:33,831
The First Blast Of
The Trumpet Against

433
00:19:33,831 --> 00:19:36,270
The "Monstrous", notice,
Regiment Of Women.

434
00:19:36,270 --> 00:19:39,050
So, I've read that, and it's bad
that I couldn't remember

435
00:19:39,050 --> 00:19:42,100
the Monstrous Regiment... It seems
like it's kind of the main part.

436
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:44,070
LAUGHTER
It seems like...

437
00:19:44,070 --> 00:19:46,500
Actually, what it is
is a slight change in the language,

438
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:49,540
and "monstrous" doesn't mean
"monstrous" as we would say it -

439
00:19:49,540 --> 00:19:51,420
it means unnatural. Mm.

440
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:53,970
And "regiment" doesn't mean

441
00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:56,180
the whole load of them marching on,
these women -

442
00:19:56,180 --> 00:19:58,821
it means "regime". Right.

443
00:19:58,821 --> 00:20:00,660
And he was a Protestant,

444
00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:02,470
and he was angry at the fact

445
00:20:02,470 --> 00:20:04,990
there were two Catholic women
on the thrones...

446
00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:08,010
Oh, of course...of England.
Who might they have been? Mary...

447
00:20:08,010 --> 00:20:10,790
Which Mary?
They were both called Mary.

448
00:20:10,790 --> 00:20:12,340
The Two Marys... The Two Marys.

449
00:20:12,340 --> 00:20:14,270
LAUGHTER
Exactly.

450
00:20:14,270 --> 00:20:17,591
This has now turned into a story
from the Bunty - The Two Marys.

451
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:21,110
There was our Mary, Bloody Mary.
Bloody Mary - Mary Tudor. Yeah.

452
00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:23,420
The one who burned the Protestants.

453
00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:26,900
And in Scotland,
it wasn't Mary Queen of Scots,

454
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:30,910
it was her regent,
who was Mary of Guise.

455
00:20:30,910 --> 00:20:32,500
Cheery bunch. Yeah, a cheery bunch.

456
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:36,140
I feel like that's the same Mary
in different outfits. Yeah.

457
00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:39,340
You know when they do, like, those
style challenges on This Morning

458
00:20:39,340 --> 00:20:41,831
and it's before and after?
It is, isn't it?

459
00:20:41,831 --> 00:20:44,420
"She used to just wear monochrome,
but look at her now!"

460
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:46,206
LAUGHTER

461
00:20:47,250 --> 00:20:50,250
So, Knox, who was
a very keen Protestant,

462
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:52,400
didn't like these women
on the throne.

463
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,200
He was angry about it
and wrote this thing.

464
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,490
But on the subject
of Mary Queen of Scots,

465
00:20:56,490 --> 00:20:59,320
do you remember who her husband was,
by any chance?

466
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,090
Darnley, his name was, her husband.

467
00:21:02,090 --> 00:21:04,961
He was murdered.
He was actually blown up.

468
00:21:04,961 --> 00:21:07,251
This is a very extraordinary story.

469
00:21:07,251 --> 00:21:09,291
One of the presumed architects
of the explosion

470
00:21:09,291 --> 00:21:11,011
was a fellow
called Archibald Douglas -

471
00:21:11,011 --> 00:21:13,651
a pair of his shoes were found
at the scene of the crime.

472
00:21:13,651 --> 00:21:15,592
ALAN GIGGLES

473
00:21:15,592 --> 00:21:17,131
"Where's your shoes, Archibald?"

474
00:21:17,131 --> 00:21:19,042
LAUGHTER
"Oh!"

475
00:21:20,881 --> 00:21:24,451
You've always got to take
your shoes off before a dynamiting.
He got away with it.

476
00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:27,041
But he later gave
an account of Mary's reaction.

477
00:21:27,041 --> 00:21:30,321
So, this is Mary, her husband
has been blown up. Mm-hm.

478
00:21:30,321 --> 00:21:34,161
"She sent for a number of
light ladies and women

479
00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:36,521
"to come to Holyroodhouse

480
00:21:36,521 --> 00:21:40,852
"and participate stark naked
in a ball."

481
00:21:40,852 --> 00:21:44,091
"Then they had cut off
their pubic hair

482
00:21:44,091 --> 00:21:48,891
"and had put it in puddings
to be eaten by the male guests,

483
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:50,131
"who were sick."

484
00:21:50,131 --> 00:21:52,321
LAUGHTER

485
00:21:52,321 --> 00:21:54,361
Is that what you do
when your husband's blown up?

486
00:21:54,361 --> 00:21:56,641
Was she just trying to,
you know, like,

487
00:21:56,641 --> 00:21:58,241
trying to get back to normal life?

488
00:21:58,241 --> 00:22:00,491
LAUGHTER

489
00:22:00,491 --> 00:22:03,001
"Let's just carry on as we were."
That's right.

490
00:22:03,001 --> 00:22:05,091
"Get your pubes
and put them in that pie."

491
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:07,931
"It's what he would have wanted."
LAUGHTER

492
00:22:07,931 --> 00:22:09,891
Actually, I think this might be
quite clever.

493
00:22:09,891 --> 00:22:12,211
Probably, if your partner
is killed in a horrific way,

494
00:22:12,211 --> 00:22:14,531
all anyone is ever going to
talk to you about is,

495
00:22:14,531 --> 00:22:16,531
"Aw, what happened to your husband?"

496
00:22:16,531 --> 00:22:19,091
But now, no -
"Why did you have that pube party?"

497
00:22:20,521 --> 00:22:23,651
What? Why? Are you joking?

498
00:22:23,651 --> 00:22:25,251
It's all the detail we have.

499
00:22:25,251 --> 00:22:28,041
"Two things, Mary - number one,
condolences. Number two..."

500
00:22:28,041 --> 00:22:29,602
It's all the detail we have, sadly,

501
00:22:29,602 --> 00:22:32,121
but the actual person who took
the rap for the murder -

502
00:22:32,121 --> 00:22:33,651
he was hanged, drawn and quartered

503
00:22:33,651 --> 00:22:36,441
on the basis that he was the one
who discovered the scene,

504
00:22:36,441 --> 00:22:37,681
which seems a bit unfair -

505
00:22:37,681 --> 00:22:39,251
his name was William Blackadder.

506
00:22:39,251 --> 00:22:40,931
Oh...

507
00:22:40,931 --> 00:22:43,041
HE IMPERSONATES GENERAL MELCHETT:
It's true.

508
00:22:43,041 --> 00:22:44,852
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

509
00:22:44,852 --> 00:22:46,729
Oh, stop it. Don't.

510
00:22:48,852 --> 00:22:50,131
There you are.

511
00:22:50,131 --> 00:22:53,021
The Monstrous Regiment Of Women
was just a couple of Marys.

512
00:22:53,021 --> 00:22:54,612
Which is nastier -

513
00:22:54,612 --> 00:22:58,971
a Foetid Parachute
or a Hairy Nuts Disco?

514
00:22:58,971 --> 00:23:02,852
OK... I'll tell you who doesn't
like a hairy nuts disco - Mary.

515
00:23:02,852 --> 00:23:06,251
LAUGHTER
Exactly. It's so true.

516
00:23:06,251 --> 00:23:08,617
Presumably, she has that
sort of in bowls...

517
00:23:10,121 --> 00:23:13,291
You have hairy nuts
as a sort of amuse-bouche.

518
00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,681
Basically that would be a party

519
00:23:14,681 --> 00:23:18,685
with people just walking around,
going...
HE RETCHES

520
00:23:20,931 --> 00:23:23,441
HE CONTINUES TO RETCH

521
00:23:23,441 --> 00:23:26,571
Making a PUBIC nuisance of yourself.
LAUGHTER

522
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:27,961
They ARE cocktails?

523
00:23:27,961 --> 00:23:30,041
Are these cocktails?
They're not cocktails.

524
00:23:30,041 --> 00:23:31,891
They look exactly as
if they would be...

525
00:23:31,891 --> 00:23:36,612
In Japan, there is a disco where
the women don't wear underwear

526
00:23:36,612 --> 00:23:39,691
and they are on a floor above,
and it's glass,

527
00:23:39,691 --> 00:23:42,211
and they dance and the men
pay more to be underneath.

528
00:23:42,211 --> 00:23:44,331
And I was telling my friend this
and she went,

529
00:23:44,331 --> 00:23:47,921
"They couldn't do it with men
cos it would look like
everyone was waving at you."

530
00:23:47,921 --> 00:23:50,011
LAUGHTER

531
00:23:50,011 --> 00:23:52,482
Isn't that romantic -
people like, "Oh... Don't worry."

532
00:23:52,482 --> 00:23:54,121
"No, no, it's OK, carry on."

533
00:23:54,121 --> 00:23:56,371
Foetid Parachute might be
a slight clue

534
00:23:56,371 --> 00:23:59,221
inasmuch as the shape of
a parachute might be.

535
00:23:59,221 --> 00:24:01,581
JOSH: Oh! Oh, jellyfish! Jellyfish!

536
00:24:01,581 --> 00:24:03,931
That's the one thing
it could've been... Mushrooms!

537
00:24:03,931 --> 00:24:07,881
..the other one is mushrooms.
Yeah, these are fungi or fun-gee.

538
00:24:07,881 --> 00:24:11,251
Extraordinary names for new species
that occur all the time,

539
00:24:11,251 --> 00:24:13,301
and there are some incredible names.

540
00:24:13,301 --> 00:24:15,661
Pink Disco - that's normal and nice.

541
00:24:15,661 --> 00:24:17,811
Greasy Bracket...

542
00:24:17,811 --> 00:24:20,492
"Punched him in the greasy bracket."
I don't know.

543
00:24:20,492 --> 00:24:22,482
Powdery Piggyback.

544
00:24:22,482 --> 00:24:24,841
IN A MENACING VOICE:
Shall we play powdery piggyback?

545
00:24:24,841 --> 00:24:29,001
White Brain, Jelly Ear,
Verdigris Navel,

546
00:24:29,001 --> 00:24:30,841
LAUGHING: Fragrant Funnel...

547
00:24:30,841 --> 00:24:33,612
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
LAUGHTER

548
00:24:33,612 --> 00:24:37,612
Cinnamon Jellybaby, Witches' Butter,
Slimy Earth Tongue.

549
00:24:37,612 --> 00:24:41,371
Alan Rickman's Fridge Gunk. Let's
just start making up mushroom names.

550
00:24:41,371 --> 00:24:45,482
These are also all bands that have
had a John Peel session as well.

551
00:24:45,482 --> 00:24:48,241
Hot Lips, Twisted Deceiver...

552
00:24:48,241 --> 00:24:50,111
Barbara Cartland's Shoe Tree.

553
00:24:50,111 --> 00:24:53,732
..Bog Cannon, Gassy Night...

554
00:24:53,732 --> 00:24:56,482
JOSH: I've had one of them.
..and the Hairy Nuts Disco.

555
00:24:56,482 --> 00:24:58,971
So how often are they finding
new fungi?

556
00:24:58,971 --> 00:25:01,581
Amazingly, amazingly.
Let me tell you a remarkable story.

557
00:25:01,581 --> 00:25:03,841
This is in September 2014 -
not very long ago.

558
00:25:03,841 --> 00:25:05,661
A couple of mycologists -

559
00:25:05,661 --> 00:25:08,371
as they call fungus experts -
from Kew Gardens

560
00:25:08,371 --> 00:25:14,021
analysed the DNA of a supermarket
packet of porcini mushrooms.

561
00:25:14,021 --> 00:25:17,691
They found three species
unknown to science.

562
00:25:17,691 --> 00:25:21,041
LAUGHTER
Perfectly edible...

563
00:25:21,041 --> 00:25:22,451
Was there any horse in it?

564
00:25:22,451 --> 00:25:24,941
LAUGHTER

565
00:25:24,941 --> 00:25:26,771
The scientists named them in Latin

566
00:25:26,771 --> 00:25:30,732
White Beef Liver, Delicious cattle
Liver Fungus and Edible.

567
00:25:30,732 --> 00:25:32,251
Wow.

568
00:25:32,251 --> 00:25:34,931
Do you know, the worst thing is
throughout that I was thinking,

569
00:25:34,931 --> 00:25:37,971
"I wonder who's been to
Kew Gardens more - Sara or Alan?"

570
00:25:37,971 --> 00:25:39,771
LAUGHTER

571
00:25:39,771 --> 00:25:44,101
So in terms of fungi as a whole,
1,200 new species are added a year.

572
00:25:44,101 --> 00:25:46,371
Wow. 1,200 a year?
Amazing, isn't it?

573
00:25:46,371 --> 00:25:51,391
They may account for up to 25%
of the Earth's biomass. Wow.

574
00:25:51,391 --> 00:25:54,101
So are they really adaptive?
Is that's what's happening? Very.

575
00:25:54,101 --> 00:25:56,541
And can be aggressive -
that's why we've... Like moles!

576
00:25:56,541 --> 00:25:58,941
We should get them in a fight. Yes!

577
00:25:58,941 --> 00:26:00,941
Mushrooms versus moles!
LAUGHTER

578
00:26:00,941 --> 00:26:03,951
They can be very aggressive.
Although they don't exactly move,

579
00:26:03,951 --> 00:26:06,651
they do spread themselves
huge distances underground.

580
00:26:06,651 --> 00:26:08,892
I still think I could beat one
in a fight.

581
00:26:10,691 --> 00:26:13,800
Some would beat you in a fight
if you tried to EAT them. Yes...

582
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,290
which is how I fight.

583
00:26:15,290 --> 00:26:17,930
LAUGHTER

584
00:26:17,930 --> 00:26:20,060
Well, there you are, you see?

585
00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:23,340
The Trichoderma fungus
bumps into another species

586
00:26:23,340 --> 00:26:25,980
and grasps it with its hyphae,
its thin tubes,

587
00:26:25,980 --> 00:26:28,290
and squeezes the food out of it.

588
00:26:28,290 --> 00:26:30,810
So it basically takes
the food from another species.

589
00:26:30,810 --> 00:26:33,730
"Meanwhile,
in the Swan Vesta reject room...!

590
00:26:33,730 --> 00:26:35,770
LAUGHTER

591
00:26:35,770 --> 00:26:38,050
Other fungi launch gas warfare -

592
00:26:38,050 --> 00:26:40,691
the Sulphur Tuft
produces chemical agents...

593
00:26:40,691 --> 00:26:42,290
Chemical warfare?!

594
00:26:42,290 --> 00:26:45,581
Yeah. Against each other.
Oh, my God. Yeah.

595
00:26:45,581 --> 00:26:47,730
Mushrooms are quite small.
They used to be huge.

596
00:26:47,730 --> 00:26:51,441
They used to be the biggest kinds
of non-animal there were.

597
00:26:51,441 --> 00:26:53,810
When trees and plants
were just three foot tall,

598
00:26:53,810 --> 00:26:56,340
they were much, much bigger -
and much more phallic.

599
00:26:56,340 --> 00:26:58,420
Really? Apparently.

600
00:26:58,420 --> 00:27:00,020
Planet of the Cocks.

601
00:27:00,020 --> 00:27:02,420
LAUGHTER

602
00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:05,370
Anyway, if Frankenstein's
Monster came to dinner,

603
00:27:05,370 --> 00:27:07,530
what would you give him to eat?

604
00:27:07,530 --> 00:27:09,340
Electricity, I would give him.

605
00:27:09,340 --> 00:27:11,630
Electricity? To keep him alive?

606
00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:13,500
That's what he was brought
to life with,

607
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:15,170
so that's what I would feed him.

608
00:27:15,170 --> 00:27:18,490
Just finger in the plug socket,
or...

609
00:27:18,490 --> 00:27:21,650
JOSH: Have you got an adaptor?

610
00:27:21,650 --> 00:27:25,500
In the novel, Frankenstein,
Or The Modern Prometheus,

611
00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:29,290
the Monster speaks and is
intelligent, and brave, and kind.

612
00:27:29,290 --> 00:27:31,880
And also eats.

613
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,350
Who wrote it? Mary Shelley.

614
00:27:34,350 --> 00:27:37,170
Mary Shelley, who was the wife of...
She was very, very young...

615
00:27:37,170 --> 00:27:39,170
Percy. Percy Shelley.
..when she wrote it.

616
00:27:39,170 --> 00:27:42,060
She was young. Percy Shelley
and she were two of the most

617
00:27:42,060 --> 00:27:44,770
notable pioneering vegetarians.

618
00:27:44,770 --> 00:27:46,370
Ahh.

619
00:27:46,370 --> 00:27:49,860
And they wanted to express that
feeling in the creature,

620
00:27:49,860 --> 00:27:51,890
in the Monster, as it's called.

621
00:27:51,890 --> 00:27:56,010
A simple humble diet of carrots,
vegetables,

622
00:27:56,010 --> 00:27:57,750
and gallons of laudanum.

623
00:27:58,980 --> 00:28:01,530
So Frankenstein's Monster
didn't eat any meat?

624
00:28:01,530 --> 00:28:03,340
He actually has
a speech in the novel,

625
00:28:03,340 --> 00:28:04,880
"My food is not that of Man.

626
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,800
"I do not destroy the lamb
and the kid to glut my appetite.

627
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,780
"Acorns and berries accord me
sufficient nourishment."

628
00:28:11,780 --> 00:28:14,510
Aw, that's amazing. He could do
better than acorns and berries.

629
00:28:14,510 --> 00:28:16,370
He could have a quiche, for example.

630
00:28:16,370 --> 00:28:17,340
LAUGHTER

631
00:28:17,340 --> 00:28:21,290
It's weird to think of
Frankenstein's Monster having
that in common with Piglet.

632
00:28:21,290 --> 00:28:24,420
"I like haycorns."

633
00:28:24,420 --> 00:28:27,650
But that's how we know he was such
a kind, empathetic character.

634
00:28:27,650 --> 00:28:29,090
Because he lived with a bear.

635
00:28:29,090 --> 00:28:31,300
I was talking
about Frankenstein's Monster.

636
00:28:31,300 --> 00:28:33,701
LAUGHTER

637
00:28:33,701 --> 00:28:36,610
When Shelley died... Do you know how
Shelley died? He was very young,

638
00:28:36,610 --> 00:28:38,780
as Keats was. On a boat?
He died in Italy, didn't he?

639
00:28:38,780 --> 00:28:40,810
On a boat, quite right.
I was right, yeah.

640
00:28:40,810 --> 00:28:44,220
It sank, the Arial, and his friend,
Captain John Trelawny,

641
00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:46,250
scoured the Italian coast
to find his body.

642
00:28:46,250 --> 00:28:49,090
And when they burnt his body
at the cremation,

643
00:28:49,090 --> 00:28:52,780
the heart seemed to stay whole,
and so Trelawny grabbed it,

644
00:28:52,780 --> 00:28:54,530
pulled it out,
burned his hand terribly,

645
00:28:54,530 --> 00:28:57,970
and gave the heart to Mary,
who kept it for 30 years.

646
00:28:57,970 --> 00:29:01,100
Some people now think it was
probably the liver, not the heart,

647
00:29:01,100 --> 00:29:03,890
and it...
Who knows? But it's rather touching.

648
00:29:03,890 --> 00:29:06,250
Byron's liver would have
gone off like a bomb.

649
00:29:06,250 --> 00:29:07,706
LAUGHTER

650
00:29:10,610 --> 00:29:14,530
Right, yeah, Frankenstein's Monster
was a vegetarian, fair play to him.

651
00:29:14,530 --> 00:29:16,220
Alan,
what horrors are under your bed

652
00:29:16,220 --> 00:29:17,744
and how can you get rid of them?

653
00:29:19,370 --> 00:29:21,065
LAUGHTER

654
00:29:22,050 --> 00:29:23,890
Be honest with us. Share.

655
00:29:23,890 --> 00:29:26,420
Don't over share,
but just share enough.

656
00:29:26,420 --> 00:29:28,530
The Bogeyman,
everyone's always scared of.

657
00:29:28,530 --> 00:29:30,500
The Bogeyman.
And how do you get rid of it?

658
00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:32,610
Is there a way?

659
00:29:32,610 --> 00:29:35,060
Er, fire. Burn him, smoke him out.

660
00:29:35,060 --> 00:29:36,581
LAUGHTER

661
00:29:36,581 --> 00:29:38,300
A futon.

662
00:29:38,300 --> 00:29:40,090
LAUGHTER

663
00:29:40,090 --> 00:29:42,250
Well, there is...

664
00:29:42,250 --> 00:29:44,980
Yeah,
we have a divan base with drawers.

665
00:29:46,250 --> 00:29:47,860
No Bogeyman.

666
00:29:47,860 --> 00:29:52,070
The point is you can buy a spray
that you tell your child

667
00:29:52,070 --> 00:29:54,100
will get rid of the Bogeyman.

668
00:29:54,100 --> 00:29:56,140
Oh, really. Great, lies in a can.

669
00:29:56,140 --> 00:29:57,530
So, yeah, you can get the spray.

670
00:29:57,530 --> 00:30:00,300
And we've got some, I think it's
under there somewhere.

671
00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:01,900
You can spray away the monsters.

672
00:30:01,900 --> 00:30:03,341
Yours is...
LOUD HONK

673
00:30:03,341 --> 00:30:05,300
Yes, that's the loud...
That's another way.

674
00:30:05,300 --> 00:30:06,820
What if you like monsters?

675
00:30:06,820 --> 00:30:08,970
If you like them, don't...
I'm not going to.

676
00:30:08,970 --> 00:30:12,064
You like monsters?
I think I'm open to them.

677
00:30:13,331 --> 00:30:16,280
I remember being a bit afraid of
what was down the bottom of the bed.

678
00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:19,260
Indeed, and there are evolutionary
psychologists

679
00:30:19,260 --> 00:30:22,090
who believe that the child's
resistance to bed

680
00:30:22,090 --> 00:30:23,610
is actually very sensible

681
00:30:23,610 --> 00:30:26,780
and is part of the in-built
thing of not wanting to sleep

682
00:30:26,780 --> 00:30:29,711
alone in the dark where there are
genuine monsters,

683
00:30:29,711 --> 00:30:32,980
animals and all kinds of things,
and it's been inherited.

684
00:30:32,980 --> 00:30:36,581
But in Hungary, they have a monster
which is most peculiar.

685
00:30:36,581 --> 00:30:38,100
It's called Rezfaszu bagoly,

686
00:30:38,100 --> 00:30:40,341
though I'm sure it's not
pronounced like that.

687
00:30:40,341 --> 00:30:43,860
But what it means, in English,
is "the copper-penised owl."

688
00:30:43,860 --> 00:30:47,740
He is a giant owl...
I'm glad you've shown me his face.

689
00:30:47,740 --> 00:30:49,680
LAUGHTER

690
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:51,780
He's a giant owl
and he has a copper penis,

691
00:30:51,780 --> 00:30:53,970
and he'll get you...
When you say "copper penis"...

692
00:30:53,970 --> 00:30:55,970
Yeah, I mean a penis made of copper.
Thank you.

693
00:30:55,970 --> 00:30:58,500
Not a tiny policeman with balls.

694
00:30:58,500 --> 00:30:59,740
LAUGHTER

695
00:30:59,740 --> 00:31:01,430
That would be scary, though.

696
00:31:01,430 --> 00:31:02,690
"Evenin', all."

697
00:31:02,690 --> 00:31:06,430
The really scary part is he's
a threat to children, this creature.

698
00:31:06,430 --> 00:31:07,940
Oh. That's the point.

699
00:31:07,940 --> 00:31:11,500
This is what's disturbing,
is that the copper-penised owl

700
00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:14,140
will get you if you don't do
what your mother tells you.

701
00:31:14,140 --> 00:31:15,790
What does it mean, "get you"?

702
00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:17,331
Oh, my gosh.

703
00:31:17,331 --> 00:31:20,050
What sort of mother would say
that to a child?

704
00:31:20,050 --> 00:31:23,591
If you don't behave,
the copper-penised owl

705
00:31:23,591 --> 00:31:25,100
will come and get you.

706
00:31:25,100 --> 00:31:27,591
Imagine that, you're lying in bed
at night and you hear...

707
00:31:27,591 --> 00:31:28,870
IMITATES OWL

708
00:31:28,870 --> 00:31:31,380
LAUGHTER

709
00:31:31,380 --> 00:31:33,250
Oh, my God, it's tarnished!

710
00:31:33,250 --> 00:31:36,010
There is some research to show
that people who play

711
00:31:36,010 --> 00:31:37,620
a lot of computer games

712
00:31:37,620 --> 00:31:41,331
can sometimes develop the ability to
take control of their nightmares

713
00:31:41,331 --> 00:31:42,810
and fight back within them.

714
00:31:42,810 --> 00:31:44,581
Wow. Yeah, it's rather good,
isn't it?

715
00:31:44,581 --> 00:31:46,341
Take it to the next level.

716
00:31:46,341 --> 00:31:47,950
Take it to the next level.

717
00:31:47,950 --> 00:31:51,101
Now, how do you keep
a blue man happy?

718
00:31:54,050 --> 00:31:56,250
I once auditioned
for the Blue Man Group.

719
00:31:56,250 --> 00:32:00,100
Did you? I auditioned for everything
that was in The Stage,

720
00:32:00,100 --> 00:32:02,900
which is a newspaper
for out-of-work actors,

721
00:32:02,900 --> 00:32:05,050
and I did not read that
advert properly.

722
00:32:05,050 --> 00:32:08,100
And not only do you need to be a man
to be in the Blue Man Group,

723
00:32:08,100 --> 00:32:10,380
but you also need to be over 6'5".

724
00:32:10,380 --> 00:32:12,420
Seriously?
And I was in the queue thinking...

725
00:32:12,420 --> 00:32:13,830
"I think I've got this."

726
00:32:15,540 --> 00:32:18,180
"I'm really special amongst
all these people."

727
00:32:18,180 --> 00:32:20,180
So is it...
What is the Blue Man Group?

728
00:32:20,180 --> 00:32:22,790
Like that, completely painted blue.
They're a huge success,

729
00:32:22,790 --> 00:32:24,690
enormous. There they are!

730
00:32:24,690 --> 00:32:28,260
They started in New York. I didn't
get it, if anyone was wondering.

731
00:32:28,260 --> 00:32:30,900
They have five running just
in the United States.

732
00:32:30,900 --> 00:32:33,790
And whenever you're in any
city in the world, you see

733
00:32:33,790 --> 00:32:35,820
a poster for the Blue Man Group.

734
00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:39,341
Tourist fodder, because they're not
dependent on language. Exactly.

735
00:32:39,341 --> 00:32:41,270
That's a very good point.

736
00:32:41,270 --> 00:32:44,660
But these blue men are monsters
in the world that we're in.

737
00:32:44,660 --> 00:32:46,548
Not the Smurfs, then.

738
00:32:47,591 --> 00:32:49,700
These are the Blue Men of the Minch,

739
00:32:49,700 --> 00:32:53,150
Between the north-west coast
of Scotland and the Hebrides.

740
00:32:53,150 --> 00:32:58,110
And the Blue Men of Minch,
they're also known as Sea Kelpies.

741
00:32:58,110 --> 00:33:01,341
Oooh. Ooh, he's a charmer.

742
00:33:01,341 --> 00:33:02,700
Yeah, isn't he?

743
00:33:02,700 --> 00:33:04,970
And they used to lure sea folk.

744
00:33:04,970 --> 00:33:07,341
They're always luring,
aren't they, monsters?

745
00:33:07,341 --> 00:33:10,150
It creates storms.
But they had a really unique line

746
00:33:10,150 --> 00:33:12,461
in allowing you to be saved.

747
00:33:12,461 --> 00:33:15,780
And that is they would shout out
two lines of poetry

748
00:33:15,780 --> 00:33:20,150
and if you could shout back two
which rhymed, that pleased them,

749
00:33:20,150 --> 00:33:21,510
they would let your ship go.

750
00:33:21,510 --> 00:33:23,865
There was a young man from Dunoon...

751
00:33:26,030 --> 00:33:28,471
Like an improv game.

752
00:33:28,471 --> 00:33:31,060
That's right. We have one
example from Scottish mythology.

753
00:33:31,060 --> 00:33:32,900
Perhaps you could supply the reply.

754
00:33:32,900 --> 00:33:35,980
The chief of the Blue Men called out
thus to a ship's captain -

755
00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:38,810
"My men are eager, my men are ready

756
00:33:38,810 --> 00:33:40,780
To drag you below the waves."

757
00:33:40,780 --> 00:33:43,740
"One's called Steve,
one called Zeddy..."

758
00:33:43,740 --> 00:33:45,230
LAUGHTER

759
00:33:45,230 --> 00:33:46,870
"The other three are all Daves."

760
00:33:46,870 --> 00:33:48,872
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

761
00:33:51,100 --> 00:33:52,601
Very pleasing!

762
00:33:53,820 --> 00:33:56,610
I think they would have been insane
not to let you off with that.

763
00:33:56,610 --> 00:34:00,080
In fact, the rather dull one that
saved the skippers of that ship

764
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:01,420
that was attacked was,

765
00:34:01,420 --> 00:34:03,591
"My ship is speedy,
my ship is steady

766
00:34:03,591 --> 00:34:06,910
If it sank,
it would wreck your caves."

767
00:34:06,910 --> 00:34:11,050
Rubbish. I like to think that it was
like a proto version of The Voice.

768
00:34:11,050 --> 00:34:13,510
They were all in chairs
the other way around

769
00:34:13,510 --> 00:34:15,510
and they shouted the rhymes.

770
00:34:15,510 --> 00:34:17,260
And, like, "Yeah, that rhymes."

771
00:34:17,260 --> 00:34:20,341
If they just said to me,
"My men are eager, my men are ready

772
00:34:20,341 --> 00:34:22,140
"To drag you below the waves",

773
00:34:22,140 --> 00:34:24,390
I'd never have thought,

774
00:34:24,390 --> 00:34:26,310
"They want me to rhyme with this."

775
00:34:26,310 --> 00:34:27,420
LAUGHTER

776
00:34:27,420 --> 00:34:28,956
I'd see that as a threat.

777
00:34:30,461 --> 00:34:32,770
Maybe that's what hecklers have
been wanting all along.

778
00:34:34,110 --> 00:34:37,670
What, a rhyme... Yeah, rhyme back.

779
00:34:37,670 --> 00:34:43,331
The theory is they were blue
because they'd painted themselves.

780
00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:46,400
And Latin for to paint is pictum,

781
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,130
as in picture and depict...

782
00:34:49,130 --> 00:34:50,870
and... Picts.

783
00:34:50,870 --> 00:34:53,950
Picts, exactly. They were Picts.
The Picts and the Scots.

784
00:34:53,950 --> 00:34:56,331
There were Picts in woad,
possibly on kayaks,

785
00:34:56,331 --> 00:34:59,230
who were aggressive and did indeed
colonise Scotland,

786
00:34:59,230 --> 00:35:00,700
so maybe that's who they were.

787
00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:03,260
"Angus, can you hear lions singing?"

788
00:35:03,260 --> 00:35:06,110
LAUGHTER

789
00:35:06,110 --> 00:35:08,420
"Sounds awfully nice."

790
00:35:08,420 --> 00:35:11,500
Wellll, if you don't want to
sink in the Minch,

791
00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:13,700
think of something that rhymes...

792
00:35:13,700 --> 00:35:15,461
LAUGHTER
..at a pinch.

793
00:35:15,461 --> 00:35:16,870
Um, yeah.

794
00:35:16,870 --> 00:35:18,310
Ah, it's a cinch.

795
00:35:18,310 --> 00:35:20,620
So, now it's time
to descend into the dark

796
00:35:20,620 --> 00:35:23,980
and fetid nest of nasties
that is General Ignorance.

797
00:35:23,980 --> 00:35:26,591
First, some real sea monsters.
Fingers on buzzers.

798
00:35:26,591 --> 00:35:28,830
Why do great white sharks
bite people?

799
00:35:28,830 --> 00:35:30,870
WOMAN SCREAMS
Yes?

800
00:35:30,870 --> 00:35:32,770
It's to keep themselves in the news.

801
00:35:32,770 --> 00:35:34,476
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

802
00:35:35,601 --> 00:35:36,704
That's probably why.

803
00:35:38,591 --> 00:35:40,420
It's so good and so true.

804
00:35:40,420 --> 00:35:42,461
Is it cos they think
they're something else?

805
00:35:42,461 --> 00:35:45,310
It's a pretty good answer, yes...

806
00:35:45,310 --> 00:35:47,540
People say it's because
the shadow of a person,

807
00:35:47,540 --> 00:35:49,740
especially if they're surfing,
looks like a seal.

808
00:35:49,740 --> 00:35:51,860
No, you see, the thing is when...
They do eat seals,

809
00:35:51,860 --> 00:35:54,190
but when they eat seals,
it's a frenzy, it's a torpedo -

810
00:35:54,190 --> 00:35:56,351
they dive in,
and there's nothing left.

811
00:35:56,351 --> 00:35:58,780
But when they attack people,
they just take a bite,

812
00:35:58,780 --> 00:36:01,060
and they usually then go off.

813
00:36:01,060 --> 00:36:03,990
So it's generally believed that
it's a kind of curiosity.

814
00:36:03,990 --> 00:36:05,471
"What is this?" Oh, God.

815
00:36:05,471 --> 00:36:07,471
So it's like at a party
with a vol-au-vent?

816
00:36:07,471 --> 00:36:08,900
Yeah, basically.

817
00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:11,510
They just think, "I'll just take
a little bit off it..."

818
00:36:11,510 --> 00:36:14,310
Oh, no, no. "..and see if I like it,
see what it is."

819
00:36:14,310 --> 00:36:15,830
That's generally believed by...

820
00:36:15,830 --> 00:36:19,060
Going over to his mates going,
"Don't try that - it's horrible."

821
00:36:19,060 --> 00:36:21,670
"Don't put it back on the tray.
Don't put it back on the tray.

822
00:36:21,670 --> 00:36:23,700
"Put it over there."
"You've started it now."

823
00:36:23,700 --> 00:36:27,030
Curious rather than predatory
is the way their behaviour is.

824
00:36:27,030 --> 00:36:29,310
Wrap it in a napkin,
put it in your pocket.

825
00:36:29,310 --> 00:36:31,540
If you're a human and
you lose half your leg,

826
00:36:31,540 --> 00:36:34,110
you don't, obviously,
think of it like that. No, no.

827
00:36:34,110 --> 00:36:35,860
But the point is
if they wanted to kill you,

828
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:37,221
they are such ferocious...

829
00:36:37,221 --> 00:36:39,348
"I hope that's sated
your curiosity!"

830
00:36:41,341 --> 00:36:43,591
So, yeah, sharks like to have
a nibble

831
00:36:43,591 --> 00:36:45,950
before they decide whether or not
we're worth munching.

832
00:36:45,950 --> 00:36:47,645
Who has the biggest face in America?

833
00:36:51,341 --> 00:36:53,870
Oh, is it...
MONSTER ROARS

834
00:36:53,870 --> 00:36:55,670
..one of Mount Rushmore?

835
00:36:55,670 --> 00:36:59,231
Ah... Dang nabbit.
SIREN RINGS

836
00:37:00,550 --> 00:37:02,211
No, I said "one of".

837
00:37:02,211 --> 00:37:04,221
Is it a clock?
No, it's not a clock.

838
00:37:04,221 --> 00:37:07,270
Good, good... Very smart. OK.

839
00:37:07,270 --> 00:37:10,790
Where's Mount Rushmore? Dakota.
South Dakota is right, yeah.

840
00:37:10,790 --> 00:37:13,860
And this particular huge face

841
00:37:13,860 --> 00:37:18,030
which is bigger by far than either
of the four Presidents there...

842
00:37:18,030 --> 00:37:20,310
But you can get a point
for naming them.

843
00:37:20,310 --> 00:37:22,580
Washington...
Washington...Lincoln...

844
00:37:22,580 --> 00:37:23,786
and the other two.

845
00:37:25,950 --> 00:37:29,500
McKinley, no? And...
Jefferson... Jefferson and...

846
00:37:29,500 --> 00:37:32,790
..and Teddy Roosevelt. Oh! Oh! Oh!

847
00:37:32,790 --> 00:37:34,710
Oh, we can all do that
at the end, Josh.

848
00:37:34,710 --> 00:37:38,060
LAUGHTER
I knew all of them! Just on the...

849
00:37:38,060 --> 00:37:39,584
Oh, Horniman Museum!

850
00:37:41,130 --> 00:37:43,860
I'm not going to lie -
I was going to go Obama, so...

851
00:37:47,860 --> 00:37:51,590
15 miles away from Mount Rushmore
is the biggest face in America.

852
00:37:51,590 --> 00:37:55,330
15 miles? Which is an ongoing work,
also sculpting a face.

853
00:37:55,330 --> 00:37:57,190
Oh, it's the Indian head thing.

854
00:37:57,190 --> 00:38:00,320
Yes, it's the head of
a Lakota Sioux Indian chief

855
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:01,870
who was a hero to his people.

856
00:38:01,870 --> 00:38:05,070
It's being done by one person who's
been doing it for about 20 years.

857
00:38:05,070 --> 00:38:07,680
Ancient Polish guy - I've met him.
He's extraordinary, yeah.

858
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:10,341
It's going to be much, much bigger
than them, isn't it? Yes.

859
00:38:10,341 --> 00:38:12,270
87 feet high, is the face.

860
00:38:12,270 --> 00:38:14,980
And do you know the name of
the Indian brave?

861
00:38:14,980 --> 00:38:17,710
He won, for his people, the battle,

862
00:38:17,710 --> 00:38:19,710
of which was only a battle -
they lost the war...

863
00:38:19,710 --> 00:38:22,341
Sitting Bull. Sitting Bull.
Crazy Horse.

864
00:38:22,341 --> 00:38:24,590
Steve. # Ow! # "Steve!"

865
00:38:24,590 --> 00:38:25,910
Crazy Horse.

866
00:38:25,910 --> 00:38:28,400
There it is - there's the face.
Oh, he's beautiful.

867
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:30,950
He beat Custer in
the Battle of Little Bighorn.

868
00:38:30,950 --> 00:38:33,221
Yeah, but they never found Roobarb.

869
00:38:33,221 --> 00:38:35,223
LAUGHTER

870
00:38:36,710 --> 00:38:38,630
Lordy, lord.

871
00:38:38,630 --> 00:38:41,920
HE SINGS ROOBARB AND CUSTARD
THEME MUSIC

872
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,070
But if you go sideways on,
he's on his horse.

873
00:38:44,070 --> 00:38:47,280
IMITATES CUSTARD: Look out,
there's a big Indian after you.

874
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:50,550
So, there's one guy who's done this?
Yeah. Amazing.

875
00:38:50,550 --> 00:38:52,920
And he's still doing it.
That's why it's taking so long.

876
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,300
When did he start?
Do you have to buy the mountain

877
00:38:55,300 --> 00:38:57,400
first, or do you just do it
on somebody else's?

878
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:59,540
Cos I'd be pretty angry
if that was in my garden.

879
00:38:59,540 --> 00:39:02,200
You know,
the really impressive thing is

880
00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:04,770
that he's done it with sandpaper.

881
00:39:04,770 --> 00:39:05,870
Is he going to get to the end

882
00:39:05,870 --> 00:39:09,720
and then they're going to realise
he hasn't got planning permission?

883
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,040
"Put it all back, my friend."

884
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,510
"You have to rebuild
the original mountain as it was.

885
00:39:13,510 --> 00:39:15,717
LAUGHTER
"We want it all back."

886
00:39:17,361 --> 00:39:20,351
There you can see
how it should look. Oh, wow.

887
00:39:20,351 --> 00:39:22,780
That's the real thing
in the background.

888
00:39:22,780 --> 00:39:24,270
It's a noble endeavour,

889
00:39:24,270 --> 00:39:26,221
but, goodness me,
it's taking him a long time.

890
00:39:26,221 --> 00:39:27,830
I don't know if he's using dynamite,

891
00:39:27,830 --> 00:39:29,780
cos that's what they used
in Mount Rushmore.

892
00:39:29,780 --> 00:39:32,910
They used dynamite to
four inches' worth of accuracy.

893
00:39:32,910 --> 00:39:34,760
Really?
You know, all the little features -

894
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,150
the nose and everything else.
Unbelievable.

895
00:39:37,150 --> 00:39:40,120
It was going to be Lewis and Clark,
the explorers,

896
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:41,430
you know, who opened up the West,

897
00:39:41,430 --> 00:39:43,990
and it was going to be
Chief Red Cloud and Buffalo Bill,

898
00:39:43,990 --> 00:39:46,880
but then they decided
it should be presidents

899
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:49,361
just to get on the right side
of politics, I suppose.

900
00:39:49,361 --> 00:39:52,120
There's Buffalo Bill. Obviously,
Lewis and Clark on the right.

901
00:39:52,120 --> 00:39:54,760
And you know what you do
after a good dynamite?

902
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:56,390
Pube party.

903
00:39:56,390 --> 00:39:58,990
LAUGHTER

904
00:39:58,990 --> 00:40:01,430
That must have been
the biggest pube party of all time.

905
00:40:01,430 --> 00:40:03,310
It was massive.

906
00:40:03,310 --> 00:40:08,510
Anyway, name the largest single
man-made structure on the planet.

907
00:40:08,510 --> 00:40:11,270
Oh... Oh, yeah.
Not falling for that one.

908
00:40:11,270 --> 00:40:13,560
No way. No way!

909
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:16,630
Is it going to be
a 50-mile long tunnel or a bridge

910
00:40:16,630 --> 00:40:17,990
or something like that?

911
00:40:17,990 --> 00:40:21,020
What we've got out of the way,
cos it's hanging here like a worry,

912
00:40:21,020 --> 00:40:23,030
is it's not the Great Wall of China.

913
00:40:23,030 --> 00:40:25,870
Oh, OK. Yeah.
Try a continent where it might be.

914
00:40:25,870 --> 00:40:28,020
Europe. OK.
Europe is not where it is.

915
00:40:28,020 --> 00:40:30,200
Asia. Australia.
Nor Asia, nor Australia.

916
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:31,760
North America. Nor North America.

917
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:33,630
South America. Nor South America.

918
00:40:33,630 --> 00:40:36,231
Antarctica. Antarctica.
Nor Antarctica. Arctic.

919
00:40:36,231 --> 00:40:39,150
Africa. Africa! Thank you.

920
00:40:39,150 --> 00:40:41,150
Hey! Bloody hell, I'm glad...

921
00:40:41,150 --> 00:40:43,152
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

922
00:40:44,790 --> 00:40:47,710
I really, really hope Ban Ki-moon
isn't watching this.

923
00:40:47,710 --> 00:40:51,060
"Africa! Africa!"

924
00:40:51,060 --> 00:40:54,880
So, is it Egyptian? Is it North...?
It's Nigeria, in fact. Oh.

925
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:56,770
It's the Great Earthworks of Benin.

926
00:40:56,770 --> 00:40:59,150
The Great Earthworks of Benin!

927
00:40:59,150 --> 00:41:02,150
LAUGHTER

928
00:41:02,150 --> 00:41:03,720
It's also called the Walls of Benin.

929
00:41:03,720 --> 00:41:06,120
The Walls, of course, Benin!
Defensive earthworks...

930
00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:08,580
The Earthen Walls of Benin in...

931
00:41:08,580 --> 00:41:10,790
..dug by the Edo people.

932
00:41:10,790 --> 00:41:13,910
10,000 miles in length. Miles of it.
10,000 miles... 10,000 miles?

933
00:41:13,910 --> 00:41:16,790
..of defensive earthworks
by the Edos.

934
00:41:16,790 --> 00:41:19,384
10,000 miles in length.
How could I forget(?!)

935
00:41:20,830 --> 00:41:23,280
Four times longer than
the Great Wall of China. OK.

936
00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:24,440
Puny little wall.

937
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,590
Consumed 100 times more material
than the Great Pyramid of Cheops.

938
00:41:27,590 --> 00:41:32,430
Took 700 years and an estimated
150 million hours of digging.

939
00:41:32,430 --> 00:41:35,390
Severely damaged by...
HE CLEARS THROAT

940
00:41:35,390 --> 00:41:40,000
..the British...when we sacked
and burned Benin in 1897.

941
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:41,510
Aren't the British brilliant?

942
00:41:41,510 --> 00:41:44,550
"Yes. Well, they just wouldn't do
as they were told."

943
00:41:44,550 --> 00:41:46,471
LAUGHTER

944
00:41:46,471 --> 00:41:49,720
"There's only so much gentle
persuasion we've got time for.

945
00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:52,006
"Sack and burn them.
Fuck the earthworks."

946
00:41:54,150 --> 00:41:56,920
More or less exactly what happened.

947
00:41:56,920 --> 00:42:00,510
And then we twisted the knife
by not remembering Africa existed.

948
00:42:00,510 --> 00:42:03,080
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

949
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:05,000
What did they build it for?
Defences.

950
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:08,491
Keep out the British, I'd imagine.
Keep out the British!

951
00:42:08,491 --> 00:42:10,310
Didn't work very well,
unfortunately.

952
00:42:10,310 --> 00:42:12,790
"Here come the white folks.
Dig, dig!"

953
00:42:12,790 --> 00:42:14,160
Of course, you could argue that

954
00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:17,560
the Eurasian road network
is a bigger thing,

955
00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:21,430
cos it covers Portugal
all the way to Siberia.

956
00:42:21,430 --> 00:42:24,310
You can drive across the whole lot.
It's all connected by road.

957
00:42:24,310 --> 00:42:26,380
You know...
So, who do we take this up with?

958
00:42:26,380 --> 00:42:29,960
The Guinness Book Of Records?
Or do we go to Nigeria?

959
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:32,750
They'll go, "I think in fact
we got something bigger, actually."

960
00:42:32,750 --> 00:42:34,650
And further twist the knife again.

961
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,440
The monstrous Walls of Benin
were the biggest thing ever built

962
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:40,430
until we monstrously
knocked them down.

963
00:42:40,430 --> 00:42:43,240
All of which brings us
to the monstrous scores.

964
00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:46,720
It's remarkable.
PHILL AND SARA LAUGH

965
00:42:46,720 --> 00:42:48,491
I'm going to start...

966
00:42:48,491 --> 00:42:51,608
You've all done, may I say,
remarkably well.

967
00:42:52,720 --> 00:42:56,000
In last place, with a score that
sometimes could be a winning score

968
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,231
of minus seven is Josh Widdicombe.

969
00:42:58,231 --> 00:43:01,075
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

970
00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:06,241
In third place, with minus two...

971
00:43:06,241 --> 00:43:09,121
Ooh! It's Sara Pascoe.

972
00:43:09,121 --> 00:43:11,988
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

973
00:43:14,620 --> 00:43:17,950
No! Tell me it ain't so!

974
00:43:17,950 --> 00:43:21,520
In second place, with plus five,
Alan Davies!

975
00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:24,091
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

976
00:43:26,260 --> 00:43:27,680
How close it was,

977
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:32,510
because the winner by a whisker
on six points is Phill Jupitus.

978
00:43:32,510 --> 00:43:35,422
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I don't understand it.

979
00:43:40,190 --> 00:43:43,900
That's all from Sara, Phill,
Josh, Alan and me,

980
00:43:43,900 --> 00:43:47,790
and I leave you with these words
from Andre Breton.

981
00:43:47,790 --> 00:43:51,930
"The man who can't visualise
a horse galloping on a tomato

982
00:43:51,930 --> 00:43:53,640
"is an idiot."

983
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:55,270
Thank you.

984
00:43:55,270 --> 00:43:58,171
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE