1 00:00:30,410 --> 00:00:33,209 Goo-oo-oo-ood... 2 00:00:33,210 --> 00:00:35,639 evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,689 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome 4 00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:43,979 to QI, where tonight we'll be one massive, marvellous, molten mess. 5 00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:45,339 And here's the mix. 6 00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:47,490 The massive Noel Fielding... 7 00:00:51,410 --> 00:00:53,220 ..the marvellous Eddie Kadi... 8 00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:57,860 ..the molten Sarah Millican... 9 00:01:00,210 --> 00:01:02,499 ..and who will clean up this mess? 10 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:03,700 Alan Davies. 11 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:12,060 And let's hear your messy buzzers. 12 00:01:12,061 --> 00:01:13,410 Noel goes... 13 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,440 Hmm. Eddie goes... 14 00:01:21,530 --> 00:01:23,020 Sarah goes... 15 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,811 And Alan goes... 16 00:01:33,970 --> 00:01:35,779 Do you know what that was? 17 00:01:35,780 --> 00:01:37,439 April 2010. 18 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,930 What's our theme? 19 00:01:38,931 --> 00:01:39,979 Mess. 20 00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:41,009 Lionel? 21 00:01:41,010 --> 00:01:42,729 Lionel Messi. 22 00:01:42,730 --> 00:01:45,499 Messi... scoring how many times against ARSENAL? 23 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,810 Oh, four. Four times. 24 00:01:46,811 --> 00:01:48,070 Yes. 25 00:01:48,071 --> 00:01:49,350 I'm afraid so. 26 00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,249 There you are. 27 00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:53,579 Oh, dear! 28 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:59,089 Anyway, what's... the meaning of this mess of M words? 29 00:01:59,090 --> 00:02:01,449 Just choose one as it passes by. 30 00:02:01,450 --> 00:02:05,169 Oh, mumbudget is how much your mum's got in her purse. 31 00:02:05,170 --> 00:02:09,079 So, is that literally the budget that your mum has? 32 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,629 Cos when I was growing up, I'd ask my mum for £10 33 00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:14,769 and she'll always be like, "I don't have £10, here's £1." 34 00:02:14,770 --> 00:02:17,579 Right? If I asked her for £1, she'll give me 20 pence, 35 00:02:17,580 --> 00:02:19,849 so I asked her for a million... 36 00:02:19,850 --> 00:02:22,339 Just to get it up. Just to, yes, just to get it up. 37 00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:23,944 And she slapped me. 38 00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:28,209 Mumbudget is like keeping mum, it's to be silent about something. 39 00:02:28,210 --> 00:02:31,299 You put the word budget after, like, there's a word fussbudget, 40 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,339 for example, which is someone who's very fussy. 41 00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:36,219 "Oh, don't be such a fussbudget" was a Regency sort of word. 42 00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:38,050 Munge! Monster Munge. 43 00:02:38,051 --> 00:02:40,009 Monster Munge! 44 00:02:40,010 --> 00:02:42,009 Munge is New Zealand for minge. 45 00:02:42,010 --> 00:02:43,490 Oh, munge! 46 00:02:46,410 --> 00:02:48,209 Oh, dear, horribly true. 47 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:49,579 Monarsenous. 48 00:02:49,580 --> 00:02:51,989 Yeah, a single, er... crack. 49 00:02:51,990 --> 00:02:53,025 Oh! 50 00:02:54,220 --> 00:02:57,419 Mammock, the mixture of a mammoth and a hammock. 51 00:02:57,420 --> 00:03:00,339 It's a bra, it's a bra. A useful one to sleep in. 52 00:03:00,340 --> 00:03:05,060 It's where... A mammock? It's where I hang my mammaries. Oh, your mammary hammock, yes. A mammock. 53 00:03:05,061 --> 00:03:07,159 A maness is a woman. Yes. 54 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,129 Is a mormal...? Is it? Yes... Is it? 55 00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:12,449 But what's surprising... Is it?! Yeah. You got one right! 56 00:03:12,450 --> 00:03:16,060 I got one right, yeah. I'm going! Is it actually? Yes. 57 00:03:16,061 --> 00:03:19,339 You might think that it was a recent word for a woman, a maness, 58 00:03:19,340 --> 00:03:20,969 but actually it's 16th century. 59 00:03:20,970 --> 00:03:22,859 Tudor, 1500s, maness. 60 00:03:22,860 --> 00:03:24,489 A man and a maness. Yeah, a man... 61 00:03:24,490 --> 00:03:27,019 Mazology, the study of mazes. 62 00:03:27,020 --> 00:03:29,079 Oh, no! 63 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:31,449 The study of mazes. 64 00:03:31,450 --> 00:03:34,874 Oh, you must be so stupid to get one of those go off! 65 00:03:36,230 --> 00:03:39,329 It's actually the study of mammals. Oh! 66 00:03:39,330 --> 00:03:41,499 Mammals in zoology. That live in mazes. 67 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:42,420 Mazology, yeah. 68 00:03:42,421 --> 00:03:43,649 Mogi, mogi... 69 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,777 Is a mutton-monger like a Welsh person? No! 70 00:03:48,430 --> 00:03:49,899 I'll get into trouble for that. 71 00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:53,219 It could be a man with extreme sexual appetites can be called a mutton-monger. 72 00:03:53,220 --> 00:03:54,790 Oh, really? So a Welshman, then. 73 00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:57,739 I pulled it back, did you see? 74 00:03:57,740 --> 00:04:00,739 Moley is someone who's like a mole, not actually a mole, 75 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:03,459 but like a mole. Is mole-y. They're sort of moley. 76 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:06,816 Is a mournival like a really good funeral? 77 00:04:09,730 --> 00:04:11,937 Whoo! 78 00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:18,709 I'll catch up with a moley - it's actually rather a grim thing. Wonderful there is a name for it. 79 00:04:18,710 --> 00:04:23,139 1950s gangs, racecourse gangs and things 80 00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:26,889 were often known as razor gangs, and razors were the weapon of choice. 81 00:04:26,890 --> 00:04:30,169 People used to shave each other. 82 00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:31,459 They used to... Their legs. 83 00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:34,429 They used to conceal razors inside a potato. 84 00:04:34,430 --> 00:04:36,329 Oh, nice. And they called it a moley. 85 00:04:36,330 --> 00:04:38,329 "Oh... I'll mole you!" 86 00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:42,139 They could keep it in their pocket without hurting themselves... Wow. ..and then attack. 87 00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:45,959 Better than having it concealed in your sandwiches. Well, yes, that would be horrible. 88 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,219 And what other words have we come up across? 89 00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:51,379 A mugwump is when you put your biscuit in your tea 90 00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:53,139 and half of it falls to the bottom. 91 00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:55,690 Oh! That would be so useful as a word. 92 00:04:55,691 --> 00:04:57,680 What about munge, is that a man with a vagina? 93 00:04:57,681 --> 00:04:58,898 No, it's... 94 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:03,729 Is moggadored like if you're a cat lady? 95 00:05:03,730 --> 00:05:05,179 I'm mog-adored. 96 00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:08,219 Munge is actually a verb, and it's something mothers do, 97 00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:10,969 but I don't know anybody else would do it, unless they were weird. 98 00:05:10,970 --> 00:05:14,229 I munge, you munge, we munge, they munge. We munge, that's how verbs work. 99 00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:16,099 They munge! 100 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,499 You've conjugated the verb "to munge" very nicely. 101 00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:19,609 I have. 102 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,299 Mothers... I munge daily. Yeah. 103 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:24,619 I am munge... I will have munged, would be future perfect. Yes. 104 00:05:24,620 --> 00:05:26,070 I could have munged. 105 00:05:26,071 --> 00:05:29,040 Could have munged, I might have munged, I may well have munged. Yes. 106 00:05:29,041 --> 00:05:31,629 I cannot remember if I munged or not. 107 00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:34,439 To munge is to wipe someone else's nose. Wow. 108 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,950 I did not munge. You didn't munge. 109 00:05:36,951 --> 00:05:39,299 I munge about every 15 minutes at home. 110 00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:42,149 Mesopygion... mesopygion is interesting, 111 00:05:42,150 --> 00:05:44,129 because you almost mentioned that. 112 00:05:44,130 --> 00:05:45,719 A mesopygion. Mesopygion. 113 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,029 Mesopygion. 114 00:05:47,030 --> 00:05:50,229 It sounds like you're doing yourself down, "Oh me-so-pygion." 115 00:05:50,230 --> 00:05:52,529 Oh, mesopygion. Er... 116 00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:56,619 Pyg, P-Y-G is buttocks in Greek, as in styrop, styropigus, 117 00:05:56,620 --> 00:05:59,179 and beautiful fat buttocks, styropigus. 118 00:05:59,180 --> 00:06:02,859 And mesopygius is the crack between the buttocks. Eso what? 119 00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:06,089 It's your anal fissure, your anal fissure. 120 00:06:06,090 --> 00:06:09,859 That's what I call sexy times. Did I say anal fisher? I'm an anal fisher. 121 00:06:09,860 --> 00:06:12,700 A fissure. A fissure, I mean. 122 00:06:12,701 --> 00:06:13,799 Yeah. 123 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:14,899 Not an anal fisher? 124 00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,700 What else were we? 125 00:06:16,701 --> 00:06:19,179 No, no, no. An anal angler. 126 00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:20,317 Oh, dear. 127 00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:25,659 So, if you've got like an itch, you could be a mesopygion. Yeah, that's right, yeah, you could. 128 00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:29,859 It's amazing. Oh, it's all running down my mesopygion. Yeah... 129 00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:30,869 Yup, there it is. 130 00:06:30,870 --> 00:06:34,529 There's got to be a word for these things, hasn't there? It's good that it exists. Yeah. 131 00:06:34,530 --> 00:06:38,309 But you talked about mugwump earlier - "mugwump" is a word that most Americans would know, 132 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:41,309 because it has a historical place in American politics. 133 00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:44,619 Mugwumps were Republicans who deserted the Republican Party 134 00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:47,299 in the 1880s and voted Democrat. 135 00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:48,579 Oh... 136 00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:49,779 And so it means a turncoat, 137 00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:52,739 a political turncoat in American political discourse. Wow. 138 00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:55,409 That person must have been really angry, who decided that word. 139 00:06:55,410 --> 00:06:58,700 Well... "Oh, they've gone to the other side, the mugwumps!" 140 00:06:58,701 --> 00:07:01,659 It's an Algonquin Indian word. Mug-wump! 141 00:07:01,660 --> 00:07:03,619 It's Algonquin Indian. Mugwump. 142 00:07:03,620 --> 00:07:05,379 Mullipuff? Mullipuff. 143 00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:07,469 It's a thoughtful... 144 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:08,823 Puff! 145 00:07:10,050 --> 00:07:11,409 Steady! 146 00:07:11,410 --> 00:07:14,609 It's a contemptible... It's an absolute minefield! 147 00:07:14,610 --> 00:07:17,659 It's a contemptible, despicable person, a mullipuff. Is it? 148 00:07:17,660 --> 00:07:20,139 Or it is a type of puffball fungus. 149 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,329 Yeah, there we are. 150 00:07:21,330 --> 00:07:23,019 If you want to know what the rest mean, 151 00:07:23,020 --> 00:07:25,500 go to... 152 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,499 It's a real site. 153 00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:31,299 There's one last thing I'd like to mention from the list, though. 154 00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:36,389 Mytacism, which we haven't commented on, it's an excessive use of the letter M. 155 00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:37,330 Ah-h-h. 156 00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:40,099 So, let's let the mytacism roll. 157 00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:43,539 Name a politician with raw animal magnetism. 158 00:07:43,540 --> 00:07:45,169 Oh... wow... 159 00:07:45,170 --> 00:07:47,309 Ed Miliband. 160 00:07:48,550 --> 00:07:50,821 No, but seriously. 161 00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,459 It's actually a politician long dead. 162 00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:58,099 Animal magnetism - where did that phrase come from? 163 00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,659 It's not actually an obvious or natural phrase. 164 00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:03,700 It seems so to us, cos we use it all the time, 165 00:08:03,701 --> 00:08:05,669 but why animal magnetism? 166 00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:08,339 There's something charismatic about them physically, 167 00:08:08,340 --> 00:08:11,339 the way they move or look or do things. Mmm. 168 00:08:11,340 --> 00:08:14,099 It's not what they say, it's their aroma. 169 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:15,869 Is it the way... 170 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:17,339 Yeah, free spirit. 171 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:20,019 Yeah, is it the way like a gorilla can sometimes be sexy, 172 00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:22,056 but you're not allowed to say that? 173 00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:27,519 It's not banned in zoos to go, "I'd do that one, wouldn't you?" 174 00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:32,389 Where are we, is it American politicians? No, we're back in the 19th century. 175 00:08:32,390 --> 00:08:33,869 19th century. 19th century, and... 176 00:08:33,870 --> 00:08:37,639 It'll be either Gladstone or Disraeli. A German Austrian figure called Franz... Franz. 177 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:42,009 ..who achieved huge public recognition for what he claimed to do, 178 00:08:42,010 --> 00:08:47,039 which involved using the magnetic fluids of people 179 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,409 to make them do things they didn't want to do. 180 00:08:49,410 --> 00:08:52,229 And he coined the phrase "animal magnetism," 181 00:08:52,230 --> 00:08:56,779 meaning a very basic, primal, human, magnetic quality. 182 00:08:56,780 --> 00:09:00,130 And his name was Franz M... 183 00:09:01,260 --> 00:09:02,539 Magnet. 184 00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:04,020 Mugwump. 185 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,239 It's a word that means it's absolutely hypnotic 186 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:08,749 and amazing, I'm m... 187 00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:09,899 Mesmerising. 188 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,229 Yes, and so his name was? 189 00:09:11,230 --> 00:09:13,790 Bobby Mesmeriser. 190 00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,739 I've already given you Frank... Franz, haven't I? 191 00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,659 Franz Mesmer. 192 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:22,379 Franz Mesmer was his name. 193 00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:27,499 And he was the first great public figure to hypnotise. Oh-h-h. 194 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,700 To use hypnosis. 195 00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:30,419 Even the name's quite mesmerising. 196 00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:31,710 It is, the name... 197 00:09:31,711 --> 00:09:34,779 "I am Bobby the Mesmeriser." 198 00:09:34,780 --> 00:09:37,189 Yeah. Forget the Bobby. Frank, Franz. Yeah. 199 00:09:37,190 --> 00:09:39,109 I like Bobby. You prefer Bobby, OK. 200 00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:41,589 Yeah, cos you don't see it coming, do you? No, you don't. 201 00:09:41,590 --> 00:09:45,589 "Hi, I'm Bobby." "Yeah, he's harmless." Bobby Mesmer. Where are the fluids, bodily fluids? 202 00:09:45,590 --> 00:09:49,309 The magnetic fluids? Yeah. It's nonsense, but that's what he claimed existed. Oh. 203 00:09:49,310 --> 00:09:52,669 He used what we would call basic hypnotic techniques, 204 00:09:52,670 --> 00:09:57,129 but he claimed that he was exploiting these magnetic fluids, 205 00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,950 which don't exist in the human body, 206 00:09:58,951 --> 00:10:02,049 in order to sort of pull out the things that he could make people do. 207 00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:05,499 It's called Rohypnol now. Yes, I'm afraid it is! 208 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:08,629 But plenty of people believed in what he did and said - 209 00:10:08,630 --> 00:10:13,989 Coleridge, Marie Antoinette, Edgar Allan Poe, Mozart, Dickens, Conan Doyle, a lot of them. 210 00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:17,109 Dickens liked to try and practise on a friend of his, 211 00:10:17,110 --> 00:10:20,859 Madame de la Rue, and he once, on a train, with his wife, 212 00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:24,259 was practising hypnotising on Madame de la Rue, and he wrote 213 00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:27,490 that he "heard the sound of his wife's muff falling to the ground." 214 00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:31,599 Why are we laughing? 215 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,740 I think mine sometimes comes loose, but it's never hit the deck. 216 00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:43,849 Oh, dear. We might come back to muffs, I hope not, but we might. 217 00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:48,109 What happened is, he hypnotised his wife into a trance by accident. 218 00:10:48,110 --> 00:10:51,339 And he heard a sound... He heard the sound of her muff hitting the ground, 219 00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:55,419 and he turned round and saw that she had been the one who'd been hypnotised, not Madame de la Rue. 220 00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:58,389 So, his wife was... she just came in with a cup of tea, and, bang, gone. 221 00:10:58,390 --> 00:11:00,029 Yes, exactly. 222 00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:04,269 But the politician whom Coleridge characterised as having animal magnetism, 223 00:11:04,270 --> 00:11:05,779 which was an insult, 224 00:11:05,780 --> 00:11:07,259 was Pitt the Younger. 225 00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:11,979 He thought Pitt the Younger exhibited these traits of animal magnetism. Wow. 226 00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:15,419 In other words, that he somehow used some sort of force, or some 227 00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:19,539 sort of power over people, in order to persuade them to his cause. 228 00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:22,979 Yeah, and there were royal commissions to investigate it, especially in France, 229 00:11:22,980 --> 00:11:24,580 Louis XVI set one up. 230 00:11:24,581 --> 00:11:27,789 It was the first placebo-controlled trial in history. 231 00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:30,789 They ruled that it had no basis in fact, 232 00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:33,769 but nonetheless people continued to believe it. Yeah. 233 00:11:33,770 --> 00:11:36,570 Pitt the Younger possessed raw animal magnetism, 234 00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,479 at least according to Coleridge. 235 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,870 Now, here's an interesting effect - listen to this. 236 00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:45,069 What was being said? 237 00:11:45,070 --> 00:11:46,580 Is that the Devil? 238 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,059 It was the Devil, but do you know what he was saying? 239 00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:52,139 "I'm going to be late, put the dinner on." 240 00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:53,190 Have another listen. 241 00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:57,830 Now... 242 00:11:57,831 --> 00:12:01,580 Chances are you just didn't understand what it was saying, 243 00:12:01,581 --> 00:12:03,779 but if you heard it said, clearly, 244 00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:05,909 then listen again to that distorted sound. 245 00:12:05,910 --> 00:12:08,619 And so this is what was being said. 246 00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:12,060 'Try saying "blue whale" - that's bound to come up eventually.' 247 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,419 Isn't it extraordinary? Wow! Hear that again... 248 00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:21,860 'Try saying "blue whale" - that's bound to come up eventually.' 249 00:12:24,190 --> 00:12:26,189 Yeah! You really can hear it, can't you? 250 00:12:26,190 --> 00:12:29,069 Sounds like he's saying it with a cold. You're right! 251 00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:31,812 It's amazing what the human brain can process. 252 00:12:31,813 --> 00:12:34,097 But it needs a little bit of information - 253 00:12:34,098 --> 00:12:37,737 from that apparently random sound that you thought you could never, ever understand, 254 00:12:37,738 --> 00:12:41,407 once you're told what it is, you can instantly imprint the structure of it. 255 00:12:41,408 --> 00:12:44,447 It's amazing, I think. Phenomenal, phenomenal! 256 00:12:44,448 --> 00:12:49,327 What's the most inappropriate thing beginning with M that the Pope has kissed? 257 00:12:49,328 --> 00:12:51,047 Yes, Sarah Millican? 258 00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:52,379 My breasts. 259 00:12:54,318 --> 00:12:57,127 Well, this has come as a shock to me, tell the story, where were you? 260 00:12:57,128 --> 00:13:00,087 That's it, he just, he sort of fell. 261 00:13:00,088 --> 00:13:01,197 He fell on your breasts? 262 00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:03,484 I was in, like, WH Smith's, and... 263 00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:06,777 He'd come in to bless some Bibles or something, 264 00:13:06,778 --> 00:13:10,377 and he just tripped on, cos the carpet was... and... and I had 265 00:13:10,378 --> 00:13:14,127 a low-cut top and I don't wear one for QI, because it feels disrespectful. Yes. 266 00:13:14,128 --> 00:13:16,847 But I normally have them out, and he just landed, 267 00:13:16,848 --> 00:13:19,407 and cos his natural inclination is to kiss things, 268 00:13:19,408 --> 00:13:21,287 he just kissed them. Wow! 269 00:13:21,288 --> 00:13:22,808 What was his reaction? 270 00:13:22,809 --> 00:13:24,207 Did he like it? 271 00:13:24,208 --> 00:13:25,470 He was pleased. 272 00:13:27,228 --> 00:13:30,027 Did he, did he go, "Mmmm"? No, he was too polite for that, 273 00:13:30,028 --> 00:13:31,998 but I could see a little glint in his eye. 274 00:13:34,108 --> 00:13:37,987 There's been a rapid succession of pontiffs in the last ten years or so. 275 00:13:37,988 --> 00:13:40,668 So was this John Paul I I, was it Benedict...? 276 00:13:40,669 --> 00:13:42,108 I can't tell them apart. 277 00:13:44,178 --> 00:13:45,237 Well, this is... 278 00:13:45,238 --> 00:13:49,186 It would help if they wore different outfits, but they're always in the same dress. They are! 279 00:13:50,748 --> 00:13:53,427 Anyway, a merkin, what's a merkin? 280 00:13:53,428 --> 00:13:55,707 It's a pubic wig. A pubic wig. Yes. 281 00:13:55,708 --> 00:13:59,517 Could a Pope kiss a pubic wig? Is it likely? 282 00:13:59,518 --> 00:14:01,877 If he was drunk enough. 283 00:14:01,878 --> 00:14:04,487 On communion wine. Had he tripped in a different way. 284 00:14:04,488 --> 00:14:06,907 Well, we're going back to the 17th century. 285 00:14:06,908 --> 00:14:08,688 And it was a rather... If it was a tall lady. 286 00:14:08,689 --> 00:14:10,727 I think you're going to like this man. 287 00:14:10,728 --> 00:14:12,317 There's an English... 288 00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:16,487 English highwayman called Captain Dick Dudley. 289 00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:17,837 Dicky Dudley! 290 00:14:17,838 --> 00:14:20,187 Dick Dudley. I think you're going to like Dick Dudley. 291 00:14:20,188 --> 00:14:21,597 He was hiding in Rome, 292 00:14:21,598 --> 00:14:24,437 and while he was hiding from the law enforcement officers, 293 00:14:24,438 --> 00:14:27,808 he bought a dead prostitute's pubic wig, 294 00:14:27,809 --> 00:14:30,558 a merkin, from an anatomist. 295 00:14:30,559 --> 00:14:34,397 "He dried it well and combed it out," that's in inverted commas 296 00:14:34,398 --> 00:14:37,597 cos it's a quotation, "and sold it to the Pope." 297 00:14:37,598 --> 00:14:40,247 There they are, there's a selection of them. Wow! 298 00:14:40,248 --> 00:14:42,247 I like the one on the bottom right. 299 00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,847 That's excellent. Yes, nice curls. 300 00:14:43,848 --> 00:14:46,808 Yeah. That's had a perm, that one. 301 00:14:46,809 --> 00:14:50,087 So, this was Ann Summers back in the day. Yeah. Kind of. 302 00:14:50,088 --> 00:14:51,247 My goodness. 303 00:14:51,248 --> 00:14:55,727 He sold it to the Pope, it could have been Clement X or Innocent XI, 304 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,094 as a piece of St Peter's beard. 305 00:15:02,158 --> 00:15:03,278 And... 306 00:15:05,318 --> 00:15:06,447 Oh, well done, him! 307 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:08,957 Popes like relics. He's a great man, I like Dick Dudley. 308 00:15:08,958 --> 00:15:10,678 Pope Gullible IV. 309 00:15:10,679 --> 00:15:12,957 Yeah! Exactly! 310 00:15:12,958 --> 00:15:14,627 "A beard, you say? Hmm." 311 00:15:14,628 --> 00:15:15,686 "St Peter's!" 312 00:15:17,448 --> 00:15:21,317 Exactly, Alan, the Pope put it on his mouth, kissed it multiple times 313 00:15:21,318 --> 00:15:23,397 and appeared to be thrilled with his purchase. 314 00:15:23,398 --> 00:15:26,847 Dick was paid 100 ducats, and he immediately skedaddled it 315 00:15:26,848 --> 00:15:30,738 out of Rome before anybody caught up with him, called his muff... bluff! 316 00:15:32,608 --> 00:15:34,047 Wow. 317 00:15:34,048 --> 00:15:38,837 But they've existed in Britain as pubic wigs since the 14th century, at least. 318 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:42,774 And were especially useful for women who'd lost their pubic hair due to...? 319 00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:46,808 Disease. Waxing? Yes, syphilis. Through what? 320 00:15:46,809 --> 00:15:48,887 Waxing. Waxing. No! 321 00:15:48,888 --> 00:15:51,607 That picture looks like the sun if it forgot to shave. 322 00:15:51,608 --> 00:15:53,477 Yes, it does rather, doesn't it? 323 00:15:53,478 --> 00:15:55,607 Or Mick Hucknall. Hipster sun. 324 00:15:55,608 --> 00:15:59,248 You have to get up early to catch the sun unshaven. 325 00:16:01,478 --> 00:16:03,917 Anyway, when in Rome, don't kiss St Peter's beard, 326 00:16:03,918 --> 00:16:05,613 you don't know where it's been. 327 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,885 What did Marie Antoinette keep in her muff? 328 00:16:10,088 --> 00:16:11,707 Cake. 329 00:16:11,708 --> 00:16:13,967 Oh! 330 00:16:13,968 --> 00:16:16,887 We were there before you, Eddie, I'm sorry. Welcome. 331 00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:18,765 Yeah, welcome to our world, exactly. 332 00:16:20,118 --> 00:16:22,887 I told you we'd return to muffs, and here we have with a vengeance. 333 00:16:22,888 --> 00:16:26,287 What did people keep in muffs? What did women keep in muffs? 334 00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:29,457 There was a particular thing, a fashionable accessory. 335 00:16:29,458 --> 00:16:30,637 Mirror. 336 00:16:30,638 --> 00:16:33,077 A living, moving accessory. Ooh. 337 00:16:33,078 --> 00:16:34,568 A hamster? 338 00:16:35,718 --> 00:16:37,327 Maybe that just WAS the muff. 339 00:16:37,328 --> 00:16:40,767 Well, you know what Chinese people kept in their large sleeves? 340 00:16:40,768 --> 00:16:42,121 A crocodile. 341 00:16:44,038 --> 00:16:47,037 A wild guess, and I wish it were correct, it's... 342 00:16:47,038 --> 00:16:49,127 A duck. Not a duck. 343 00:16:49,128 --> 00:16:51,887 That's what Pekingese dogs were bred for. A dog. 344 00:16:51,888 --> 00:16:54,157 Yeah, so dogs. In their sleeves? Yeah. 345 00:16:54,158 --> 00:16:58,317 But the muffs, which were sometimes known as snuffkins in England, 346 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:01,167 were worn by both men and women, not just women. 347 00:17:01,168 --> 00:17:06,568 King Louis XIV had muffs made of tiger, panther, otter and beaver skins. Wow. 348 00:17:06,569 --> 00:17:08,688 In his diary, Samuel Pepys reported that, 349 00:17:08,689 --> 00:17:13,183 "This day I did first wear a muff, being my wife's last year's muff." 350 00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,688 All right... The Marquis de Sade, who was imprisoned in the Bastille, 351 00:17:19,689 --> 00:17:22,127 of course, had letters smuggled in by his wife, 352 00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:23,569 which she kept in her muff. 353 00:17:25,048 --> 00:17:26,997 Now, come on. If I say muff enough, it's... 354 00:17:26,998 --> 00:17:28,897 Can you just control yourselves?! 355 00:17:28,898 --> 00:17:30,847 YOU don't... you, how... 356 00:17:30,848 --> 00:17:33,897 Well, I haven't said anything about the vagina for four minutes! 357 00:17:36,918 --> 00:17:39,927 There's a marvellous woman called Celestine Galli-Marie, 358 00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:42,127 who was the first woman to play Carmen. 359 00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:45,359 She always kept a marmoset in her muff. Of course she did. 360 00:17:47,679 --> 00:17:50,277 So, there you are. There's a lot of... 361 00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:54,037 Where else are you going to put it? Yeah, exactly, there's fun to be had from muffs. 362 00:17:54,038 --> 00:17:56,887 Muffs were once used to store dogs. Muff said. 363 00:17:56,888 --> 00:17:59,717 Now, for a question about meteorology. 364 00:17:59,718 --> 00:18:04,098 Why did the inventor of the weather forecast think that dinosaurs had died out? 365 00:18:05,328 --> 00:18:08,327 Maybe he loved dinosaurs, right? He loved them so much 366 00:18:08,328 --> 00:18:13,127 he wished he could actually let them know before the weather changed and killed them off. Yeah. 367 00:18:13,128 --> 00:18:16,537 And he started going, "Do you know what? I'm going to resist this happening again, 368 00:18:16,538 --> 00:18:20,287 "I'm creating the weather forecast, just in case dinosaurs come back and they need it." 369 00:18:20,288 --> 00:18:22,051 Here's a man who had... 370 00:18:23,278 --> 00:18:26,797 ..an extraordinary and brilliant idea, 371 00:18:26,798 --> 00:18:29,407 and he had an incredibly stupid idea. 372 00:18:29,408 --> 00:18:32,997 But the world believed his stupid idea, 373 00:18:32,998 --> 00:18:36,411 but laughed derisively at his good idea. 374 00:18:37,528 --> 00:18:40,037 His name was FitzRoy and he invented the weather forecast 375 00:18:40,038 --> 00:18:44,167 and said he could forecast the weather, given, you know, enough knowledge of the variables. 376 00:18:44,168 --> 00:18:46,011 And people laughed him to scorn. 377 00:18:47,528 --> 00:18:51,757 But then he said, "I know why dinosaurs died out. 378 00:18:51,758 --> 00:18:55,568 "Because they were too big to fit onto Noah's Ark." 379 00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:58,458 And people said, "That's a brilliant point, you're right." 380 00:19:00,128 --> 00:19:03,327 And that's true. He was genuinely respected for thinking that. 381 00:19:03,328 --> 00:19:06,617 And that is rubbish because that ark was huge, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right. 382 00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:09,167 It's because Tyrannosaurus Rex's arms were so small, 383 00:19:09,168 --> 00:19:12,087 they couldn't get the umbrella over their head. 384 00:19:12,088 --> 00:19:13,407 And he... 385 00:19:13,408 --> 00:19:16,047 I'm sure Noah would have factored that in, wouldn't he? 386 00:19:16,048 --> 00:19:19,007 Noah would have had a whole... dinosaur section, it's absurd. 387 00:19:19,008 --> 00:19:22,167 You seem to be buying into this whole Noah's Ark idea. 388 00:19:22,168 --> 00:19:23,977 Was there a weather forecast? 389 00:19:23,978 --> 00:19:27,207 The dinosaurs said, "No, no, we'll stay, I'm sure it'll be fine." 390 00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:28,727 They're just really positive. 391 00:19:28,728 --> 00:19:31,407 They were deluded. They were very sort of optimistic. 392 00:19:31,408 --> 00:19:35,407 And when the flood came they thought, "Oh, shit, actually it's much worse than we thought." 393 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:38,767 I've just got the image now of a weather... cave weatherman doing the weather... 394 00:19:38,768 --> 00:19:41,698 I don't know why there'd be a cave weatherman... on a cave, and then 395 00:19:41,699 --> 00:19:44,566 all the dinosaurs sort of gathering round to see the pollen count. 396 00:19:46,798 --> 00:19:49,917 FitzRoy, does the name mean anything to you, in terms of natural history? 397 00:19:49,918 --> 00:19:50,967 A bastard. 398 00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:55,047 He was perhaps best known for being the guy in charge of the Beagle. 399 00:19:55,048 --> 00:19:56,897 He was a friend of Darwin's. Oh. 400 00:19:56,898 --> 00:20:00,367 But despite being a friend of Darwin's, he didn't believe anything Darwin said. 401 00:20:00,368 --> 00:20:04,568 In fact, he was outraged by Darwin's Theory of Evolution, because Darwin didn't take into account... 402 00:20:04,569 --> 00:20:08,637 "Oh, Charles, for God's sake, they just didn't have enough room on the Ark for them!" 403 00:20:08,638 --> 00:20:10,856 Yeah, exactly. 404 00:20:11,918 --> 00:20:13,857 Basically, that's what he tried... 405 00:20:13,858 --> 00:20:16,647 "Oh, yadda, yadda, yadda, Charles! 406 00:20:16,648 --> 00:20:19,087 "I'm telling you, it's going to rain in the morning." 407 00:20:19,088 --> 00:20:21,128 "Oh, don't be ridiculous, FitzRoy!" 408 00:20:23,488 --> 00:20:24,927 "You can't possibly know that." 409 00:20:24,928 --> 00:20:27,247 "I'm telling you, it is!" 410 00:20:27,248 --> 00:20:30,077 Well, it was 20 years... What a pair! They were a pair. 411 00:20:30,078 --> 00:20:33,517 20 years after the Beagle, he started his weather forecasting, 412 00:20:33,518 --> 00:20:36,207 and actually it did catch on, despite the initial scepticism. 413 00:20:36,208 --> 00:20:39,167 In fact, even Queen Victoria used to send word round 414 00:20:39,168 --> 00:20:42,167 asking what sort of crossing she'd get to the Isle of Wight. 415 00:20:42,168 --> 00:20:45,417 He lived in Norwood and he would send a message saying, "It'll be windy." 416 00:20:45,418 --> 00:20:47,137 Lived in Norwood! That's funny to me. 417 00:20:47,138 --> 00:20:49,767 It is, I know. Only Victorians lived in Norwood. Norwood. 418 00:20:49,768 --> 00:20:52,282 Maybe Norwood was quite nice then, but, Christ, it's a khazi. 419 00:20:53,848 --> 00:20:56,407 His first ever weather forecast, it was in the Times, 420 00:20:56,408 --> 00:20:57,807 and was four words. 421 00:20:57,808 --> 00:21:00,618 "Moderate, westerly wind, fine." 422 00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:04,891 I thought you were going say, "Bloody pissing down." 423 00:21:06,368 --> 00:21:07,407 Well, there you are. 424 00:21:07,408 --> 00:21:11,197 The word "meteorology" comes from the Greek for "things high up," 425 00:21:11,198 --> 00:21:13,127 and in terms of high up, 426 00:21:13,128 --> 00:21:15,927 they used to use frogs for telling the weather forecast. 427 00:21:15,928 --> 00:21:19,257 They built them little ladders and put them in a jar. 428 00:21:19,258 --> 00:21:23,057 Of course they did. And they thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine. 429 00:21:23,058 --> 00:21:25,647 If they went down the ladder, it was going to be a bit wet. 430 00:21:25,648 --> 00:21:27,647 Giving you the idea of it. OK. 431 00:21:27,648 --> 00:21:30,947 Did frogs... Did frogs even know what ladders were? 432 00:21:32,218 --> 00:21:34,487 I don't think they have to know what they are, do they? 433 00:21:34,488 --> 00:21:37,367 Did they just like...? They just have to have the instinct to climb. 434 00:21:37,368 --> 00:21:40,688 So, it could have been anything, didn't have to be ladders. It didn't have to be. 435 00:21:40,689 --> 00:21:45,047 "Where's the frog?" "He's halfway up." "But which way is he looking?" "He's looking down." 436 00:21:45,048 --> 00:21:47,972 Just say, "Scattered showers, scattered showers." 437 00:21:50,408 --> 00:21:52,647 I think you're right. "Sunny spells. Sunny spells." 438 00:21:52,648 --> 00:21:55,537 Just do a cloud with a bit of the sun, half the sun. 439 00:21:56,728 --> 00:21:58,487 What if it was foggy? 440 00:21:58,488 --> 00:22:01,082 "He's gone on an escalator, it's foggy." 441 00:22:02,968 --> 00:22:07,137 Maybe he was trying to get out the top. Yeah. That's what he's trying to do. He's trying to escape. 442 00:22:07,138 --> 00:22:10,237 One day, the ladder's right up to the top and the frog's fucked off, 443 00:22:10,238 --> 00:22:11,857 and then what's going to happen? 444 00:22:11,858 --> 00:22:16,087 Left a note, "I've no idea what the weather's going to be like. 445 00:22:16,088 --> 00:22:17,448 "I'm out of here." 446 00:22:17,449 --> 00:22:19,528 I'm out of this game. 447 00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:22,584 There we have it. 448 00:22:23,928 --> 00:22:27,217 That's right, the father of meteorology thought that 449 00:22:27,218 --> 00:22:29,877 the dinosaurs were too big for Noah's Ark. 450 00:22:29,878 --> 00:22:31,727 When does the weekend start? 451 00:22:31,728 --> 00:22:33,488 Here! Here! 452 00:22:35,128 --> 00:22:36,413 Nooo! 453 00:22:38,699 --> 00:22:40,768 Oh, Alan, wrong. 454 00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:47,797 I'm speaking in what historians use as that rather annoying present tense, that they say, 455 00:22:47,798 --> 00:22:50,907 "And the World War starts in 1914," 456 00:22:50,908 --> 00:22:52,787 and the weekend starts... 457 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:54,927 In other words, it's historian's past tense... 458 00:22:54,928 --> 00:22:56,967 No, the one that I really hate is the columnists, 459 00:22:56,968 --> 00:22:58,337 when they're going somewhere, 460 00:22:58,338 --> 00:23:00,787 and they always put, "To the awards at the Dorchester..." 461 00:23:00,788 --> 00:23:03,227 Oh, yes. So annoying, isn't it? 462 00:23:03,228 --> 00:23:05,977 Also being "caught up" - they interview someone and say, 463 00:23:05,978 --> 00:23:09,417 "I finally caught up with him in the rehearsal rooms of..." 464 00:23:09,418 --> 00:23:13,247 You didn't catch up with him, you arranged to meet, precisely there. 465 00:23:13,248 --> 00:23:15,727 This idea that you were running round going, "Where is he? 466 00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:17,777 "I'm going to catch up with him!" 467 00:23:17,778 --> 00:23:19,777 But a worse one than that... Preposterous! 468 00:23:19,778 --> 00:23:23,287 I gave an interview to a journalist once who was late, wasn't his fault, but he was late, 469 00:23:23,288 --> 00:23:26,578 and I said to him, "Are you going to have enough? You've got to write quite a lot." 470 00:23:26,579 --> 00:23:28,337 And he said, "Oh, I don't know..." 471 00:23:28,338 --> 00:23:32,527 I said, "If you think of anything you wanted to ask me, just give me a ring and we'll..." 472 00:23:32,528 --> 00:23:35,727 So he rang me the next day, and he left a message, and I rang him back. 473 00:23:35,728 --> 00:23:38,487 Anyway, when they put the article in the magazine, they put, 474 00:23:38,488 --> 00:23:40,648 "A few days after this interview, Davies calls me..." 475 00:23:41,728 --> 00:23:42,807 What ch... 476 00:23:42,808 --> 00:23:46,217 "He wants to talk about the gig I saw him do at such-and-such a venue..." What?! 477 00:23:46,218 --> 00:23:48,598 "It's playing on his..." I didn't fucking call you! 478 00:23:51,288 --> 00:23:53,609 You were late, you useless shitbag! 479 00:23:56,498 --> 00:23:58,057 Like I was desperate, I was so... 480 00:23:58,058 --> 00:24:01,367 Pacing about thinking, "Oh, my God, I'd better call him about the gig." 481 00:24:01,368 --> 00:24:02,377 "Davies calls me"! 482 00:24:02,378 --> 00:24:05,518 "Davies calls me and climbs halfway up the ladder." 483 00:24:06,728 --> 00:24:08,167 "Looks like rain again." 484 00:24:08,168 --> 00:24:09,367 Ohh, dear. 485 00:24:09,368 --> 00:24:12,667 "A few days later, Davies punches me in the face." 486 00:24:15,368 --> 00:24:17,627 Hashtag ♪celebrityproblems. Yeah. 487 00:24:17,628 --> 00:24:19,147 Erm... It's... 488 00:24:19,148 --> 00:24:21,518 It's 15 years ago, it still pisses me off! 489 00:24:26,958 --> 00:24:28,867 Oh, dear! 490 00:24:28,868 --> 00:24:30,617 So, yeah, the weekend starting now. 491 00:24:30,618 --> 00:24:33,558 Well, it is actually a fairly modern concept... 492 00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:35,117 Is it?..ish, yeah. 493 00:24:35,118 --> 00:24:38,717 Yeah, in The Ragged-Trousered Philanthropists, 494 00:24:38,718 --> 00:24:41,837 they work six days a week, they don't work on Sunday, of course. 495 00:24:41,838 --> 00:24:44,298 And then they have one day's holiday a year. 496 00:24:44,299 --> 00:24:46,467 Yeah. And they go on a beano to Margate 497 00:24:46,468 --> 00:24:48,584 and get completely wankered. Mmm. 498 00:24:49,608 --> 00:24:51,887 Magnificent work. It is a great... 499 00:24:51,888 --> 00:24:54,687 No, it is a great novel, it's a truly great novel. Brilliant book. 500 00:24:54,688 --> 00:24:58,607 Robert Tressell wrote that, didn't he, just after the invention, if you like, of the weekend. 501 00:24:58,608 --> 00:25:00,297 Before, for 300 years at least, 502 00:25:00,298 --> 00:25:03,247 there'd been what was known as Saint Monday, 503 00:25:03,248 --> 00:25:07,527 which was very much a holy day for workers on which they didn't work. 504 00:25:07,528 --> 00:25:10,297 Like a bank holiday. Yeah, every Monday. 505 00:25:10,298 --> 00:25:11,937 It started in the 17th century, 506 00:25:11,938 --> 00:25:14,687 you spent Monday with friends drinking and socialising. 507 00:25:14,688 --> 00:25:17,617 I always feel slightly cheated if it's a bank holiday 508 00:25:17,618 --> 00:25:20,887 and I haven't realised. About 12 o'clock, Spartacus comes on 509 00:25:20,888 --> 00:25:23,148 and I go, "There's no-one on the streets." 510 00:25:24,528 --> 00:25:27,537 "Spartacus is on. It's got to be a bank holiday." 511 00:25:27,538 --> 00:25:31,097 I have to phone my friends with jobs and go, "Is it a bank holiday?" 512 00:25:31,098 --> 00:25:33,147 "Yeah, it is." 513 00:25:33,148 --> 00:25:34,661 "Never had a job, you dick." 514 00:25:37,018 --> 00:25:41,137 Yeah, after the Industrial Revolution introduced regular working hours, 515 00:25:41,138 --> 00:25:44,257 factory workers adapted by routinely taking Monday off. 516 00:25:44,258 --> 00:25:47,588 Those who DI D turn up to work on Monday usually got sent home from factories 517 00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:50,177 cos there weren't enough people manning the machines. Wow. 518 00:25:50,178 --> 00:25:53,687 Yeah, surprising, isn't it? But a lot of people are still playing into that culture. 519 00:25:53,688 --> 00:25:54,977 Yes, they are! 520 00:25:54,978 --> 00:25:58,527 But, yeah, the weekend was introduced as a compromise from employers 521 00:25:58,528 --> 00:26:01,937 to overcome this Saint Monday business, and they gave... 522 00:26:01,938 --> 00:26:04,857 Half of Saturday was off. Half of Saturday. 523 00:26:04,858 --> 00:26:07,737 And that's why football was a big thing. Yes, that's exactly right. 524 00:26:07,738 --> 00:26:11,867 Because football was three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, so the factories would empty and... 525 00:26:11,868 --> 00:26:15,328 Then they had Sunday off, so they had a day and a half that just became the weekend, 526 00:26:15,329 --> 00:26:17,527 and then that slowly became the whole Saturday. 527 00:26:17,528 --> 00:26:19,967 And that's why Saturday night became the big boozy night, 528 00:26:19,968 --> 00:26:22,897 cos you couldn't drink on a Sunday cos of God. Mmm, that's right. 529 00:26:22,898 --> 00:26:27,460 God was inflicted on people as a punishment for trying to have a nice time on their day off. Precisely! 530 00:26:28,698 --> 00:26:31,497 "No, no, no, you've got to think about God, dress up and..." 531 00:26:31,498 --> 00:26:33,378 Yeah. Thing is... 532 00:26:34,508 --> 00:26:37,227 I don't think that's... Shops weren't open until 1994. 533 00:26:37,228 --> 00:26:38,947 Those were the days. Cor! 534 00:26:38,948 --> 00:26:41,737 Those were the days, when you couldn't get bread or milk, 535 00:26:41,738 --> 00:26:43,047 I used to love those days. 536 00:26:43,048 --> 00:26:44,697 Yes, thank God it's Friday, 537 00:26:44,698 --> 00:26:47,687 but thank Saint Monday that you get the weekends off. 538 00:26:47,688 --> 00:26:49,687 Now, I'm going to do something with my mouth. 539 00:26:49,688 --> 00:26:51,698 What do you think? 540 00:26:53,388 --> 00:26:54,657 Yes or no? 541 00:26:54,658 --> 00:26:56,147 Er, yes. 542 00:26:56,148 --> 00:26:57,588 Yes is right. 543 00:26:57,589 --> 00:26:59,339 Oh, phew! That was yes. 544 00:27:01,948 --> 00:27:03,227 Well done. 545 00:27:03,228 --> 00:27:05,408 In the Swedish town of Umea, that is "yes," to go... 546 00:27:07,098 --> 00:27:09,097 Which you can sort of do in English, going... 547 00:27:09,098 --> 00:27:10,857 "Yeah, yeah, yeah..." 548 00:27:10,858 --> 00:27:13,817 Oh, that's their way of saying yes? Yeah, their way of saying yes. 549 00:27:13,818 --> 00:27:16,887 What's interesting is the idea that there may or may not be 550 00:27:16,888 --> 00:27:19,417 a universal way of signalling yes or no. 551 00:27:19,418 --> 00:27:21,377 Darwin was very interested in the idea, 552 00:27:21,378 --> 00:27:24,537 and he looked all over the world to the different cultures to see 553 00:27:24,538 --> 00:27:27,448 whether they nodded and shook for yes and no. 554 00:27:27,449 --> 00:27:31,937 Mostly, it seems that nodding for yes and shaking for no... 555 00:27:31,938 --> 00:27:33,507 Shaking for Timotei. 556 00:27:33,508 --> 00:27:35,417 Yeah, indeed, in the middle. 557 00:27:35,418 --> 00:27:36,537 And nodding for dandruff. 558 00:27:36,538 --> 00:27:38,537 But there's a reason, some people think, 559 00:27:38,538 --> 00:27:41,257 why it may be that there's a "yes" and a "no." 560 00:27:41,258 --> 00:27:44,057 The babies, if you offer them food and they don't want it, 561 00:27:44,058 --> 00:27:45,537 what do they do? Yeah, they... 562 00:27:45,538 --> 00:27:47,537 They turn their head away, they do that. 563 00:27:47,538 --> 00:27:50,227 It's a shaking of the head, if you like, a kind of... 564 00:27:50,228 --> 00:27:53,217 I never do that. And if they want... No! 565 00:27:53,218 --> 00:27:55,898 If they want food... 566 00:27:57,028 --> 00:27:58,381 Oh, dear! 567 00:28:00,058 --> 00:28:03,107 ..they incline their heads if they want food. 568 00:28:03,108 --> 00:28:06,217 They seem to incline their heads, generally speaking, around the world. 569 00:28:06,218 --> 00:28:09,227 Is it, do you know, well, you grew up in Democratic Republic of Congo, 570 00:28:09,228 --> 00:28:11,257 is there a "yes" and "no" head-shaking thing? 571 00:28:11,258 --> 00:28:13,458 You know, my friend was in Ethiopia, 572 00:28:13,459 --> 00:28:15,607 and she said she was at a restaurant, 573 00:28:15,608 --> 00:28:18,127 and the guy was asking, "What foods do you have?" 574 00:28:18,128 --> 00:28:19,737 And he just kept going... 575 00:28:19,738 --> 00:28:21,578 "Do you have any...?" 576 00:28:21,579 --> 00:28:23,947 So she's like, "I think he's having a panic attack!" 577 00:28:23,948 --> 00:28:26,177 He goes, "No, they've got everything on the list." 578 00:28:26,178 --> 00:28:28,967 Literally, that was yes, their way of saying yes was... 579 00:28:28,968 --> 00:28:31,777 But in Africa in general, including Congo, 580 00:28:31,778 --> 00:28:33,897 we have sound effects that we use. 581 00:28:33,898 --> 00:28:35,897 You know, your mum, when she's going, "Ah-ha!", 582 00:28:35,898 --> 00:28:37,137 it means she's agreeing. 583 00:28:37,138 --> 00:28:39,907 When she goes, "Ah-ah!" it means she doesn't want it. 584 00:28:39,908 --> 00:28:43,727 So, Dad will be like, "Darling, did you, you know, put the kids to bed?" 585 00:28:43,728 --> 00:28:45,287 And she's like, "Ah-ha." 586 00:28:45,288 --> 00:28:47,847 "So can you put me to bed?" "Ah-ah!" 587 00:28:47,848 --> 00:28:50,207 Very dramatic. And it literally is that, you see, 588 00:28:50,208 --> 00:28:52,877 you'll see a lot of Africans, when they're talking, it's like, 589 00:28:52,878 --> 00:28:55,368 "Ah-ah! Ah-ha!" "Ehh?" "Ohh!" "Ah-haaa!" 590 00:28:57,238 --> 00:28:58,957 It looks like an argument, 591 00:28:58,958 --> 00:29:01,165 but they're having the most pleasant conversation. 592 00:29:02,358 --> 00:29:07,167 You mentioned Ethiopia there, cos actually, Darwin, one of the peoples he looked into were the Abyssinians, 593 00:29:07,168 --> 00:29:11,237 as they were then called, and they apparently said "no" by jerking the head to the right shoulder 594 00:29:11,238 --> 00:29:13,757 and making a slight cluck... 595 00:29:13,758 --> 00:29:18,667 ..while "yes" was expressed by the head being thrown backwards and the eyebrows raised for an instant. 596 00:29:18,668 --> 00:29:21,438 But it's Bulgaria where the opposite is true, 597 00:29:21,439 --> 00:29:24,467 that a nod means "no" and a head-shake means "yes." 598 00:29:24,468 --> 00:29:27,127 What about if you're patting your head and rubbing your tummy? 599 00:29:27,128 --> 00:29:28,299 What does that mean? 600 00:29:29,928 --> 00:29:31,767 Too much time on your hands. 601 00:29:31,768 --> 00:29:34,449 It means, "I'm available but don't touch me." 602 00:29:35,688 --> 00:29:39,667 Now, why do you never see a mongoose and a rat together? 603 00:29:39,668 --> 00:29:41,388 Same person. Yeah. 604 00:29:45,439 --> 00:29:48,597 Oh! Oh, no! 605 00:29:48,598 --> 00:29:52,568 It was too good to be punished, I'm so sorry. 606 00:29:52,569 --> 00:29:54,807 - That's really sad. - Do they just not get on? 607 00:29:54,808 --> 00:29:56,877 Well, we're talking about their lifestyles. 608 00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:57,917 Yeah. 609 00:29:57,918 --> 00:29:59,597 One is day, one is night? 610 00:29:59,598 --> 00:30:00,928 Exactly. 611 00:30:01,928 --> 00:30:03,597 Rats are nocturnal, and mongoose... 612 00:30:03,598 --> 00:30:08,467 Mongooses, mongeese, are diurnal, they... Do they not, like, pass, like... 613 00:30:08,468 --> 00:30:11,877 One's like, "Night-night," and the other's like... Yeah, yeah. 614 00:30:11,878 --> 00:30:13,838 "Have a nice day - I've shat everywhere." 615 00:30:16,938 --> 00:30:19,477 It was a particular issue in Hawaii. 616 00:30:19,478 --> 00:30:21,427 They had a rat infestation, 617 00:30:21,428 --> 00:30:25,598 so they decided to bring in some mongoose to deal with them. 618 00:30:25,599 --> 00:30:28,958 But... Playing the didgeridoo. 619 00:30:30,618 --> 00:30:33,218 They brought in the mongoose to deal with the rat population, 620 00:30:33,219 --> 00:30:34,468 and of course it didn't work, 621 00:30:34,469 --> 00:30:36,497 because they lived at different times of day. 622 00:30:36,498 --> 00:30:39,777 And so the mongoose also fed on the natural endemic birds of Hawaii, 623 00:30:39,778 --> 00:30:42,387 and their populations went screaming down... 624 00:30:42,388 --> 00:30:45,707 Somebody should have worked that out before they did that. They should have done. 625 00:30:45,708 --> 00:30:47,747 It was in the early-ish, mid-19th century, 626 00:30:47,748 --> 00:30:50,817 when people were less knowledgeable about wildlife than they are now. 627 00:30:50,818 --> 00:30:53,597 The people of Samoa were about to introduce to mongoose 628 00:30:53,598 --> 00:30:55,318 to deal with their rat problem 629 00:30:55,319 --> 00:30:59,957 when a resident of Hawaii wrote to them and said, "Don't do this, it's destroyed our birdlife even more." 630 00:30:59,958 --> 00:31:01,477 So it saved Samoa. 631 00:31:01,478 --> 00:31:04,561 That's why they invented the moon, to get rid of the sun. 632 00:31:11,678 --> 00:31:13,807 I think you're onto something there. Yeah. 633 00:31:13,808 --> 00:31:15,727 It's... I'm loving it. 634 00:31:15,728 --> 00:31:17,837 It was a mongoose that invented the moon. 635 00:31:17,838 --> 00:31:19,297 There's one bird which, 636 00:31:19,298 --> 00:31:22,737 surprisingly, they're very pleased has not thrived, 637 00:31:22,738 --> 00:31:25,087 or thriven, in Hawaii, 638 00:31:25,088 --> 00:31:27,377 and that's one of the most beautiful of all birds. 639 00:31:27,378 --> 00:31:28,477 The dodo. Peacock. 640 00:31:28,478 --> 00:31:31,517 - Not the dodo, that's not thriving anywhere. - Flamingo. Tits. 641 00:31:31,518 --> 00:31:34,647 The robin. Peacock. The hummingbird, did you say? 642 00:31:34,648 --> 00:31:36,807 NO, I said robin, but, yeah, I'll take hummingbird. 643 00:31:36,808 --> 00:31:39,087 Hummingbird is the right answer, Eddie, well done. 644 00:31:39,088 --> 00:31:43,077 You'd think, why would anybody not want to have hummingbirds? 645 00:31:43,078 --> 00:31:44,827 But one of the main crops of Hawaii, 646 00:31:44,828 --> 00:31:47,117 out of which they make a lot of money... Pineapple. 647 00:31:47,118 --> 00:31:49,067 ..is the pineapple, absolutely right. 648 00:31:49,068 --> 00:31:53,687 And hummingbirds are marvellous pollinators of pineapples, 649 00:31:53,688 --> 00:31:58,177 but unfortunately if you pollinate it, it's filled with seeds and is much less juicy and much less tasty. 650 00:31:58,178 --> 00:32:00,117 Right. So they don't want hummingbirds. 651 00:32:00,118 --> 00:32:01,947 I once ate a whole pineapple. 652 00:32:01,948 --> 00:32:03,677 DID you?! Yeah. 653 00:32:03,678 --> 00:32:06,317 Not the skin, though? No, no, I, like, you know... 654 00:32:06,318 --> 00:32:09,108 I cored it and stuff, I didn't, like, eat the whole thing, just... 655 00:32:10,108 --> 00:32:11,857 That's what I imagined. 656 00:32:11,858 --> 00:32:14,861 Just like that with the spiky top hanging out. 657 00:32:16,028 --> 00:32:18,978 I thought like the Pope, you just fell over and swallowed... 658 00:32:20,808 --> 00:32:23,837 It was just after the Pope kissed her on the knockers. 659 00:32:23,838 --> 00:32:27,167 That's how I celebrated. "Imagine what I'd do with an entire pineapple!" 660 00:32:27,168 --> 00:32:29,287 Now, what could you learn from a meerkat? 661 00:32:29,288 --> 00:32:31,007 Oh... 662 00:32:31,008 --> 00:32:32,964 Oh! How to accessorise? 663 00:32:34,048 --> 00:32:36,367 Well, clearly, very beautifully clothed. 664 00:32:36,368 --> 00:32:39,887 Not how to put mascara on. No, that's not impressive, is it? 665 00:32:39,888 --> 00:32:43,198 Don't offer a cigarette to a drawing of a cat? 666 00:32:43,199 --> 00:32:44,336 No! 667 00:32:53,608 --> 00:32:55,487 What are meerkats a type of? 668 00:32:55,488 --> 00:32:58,168 They're a type of meer, or possibly a type of kat. 669 00:32:59,378 --> 00:33:02,537 They're actually a sort of mongoose. Mongoose. Oh! A sort of mongoose. 670 00:33:02,538 --> 00:33:05,017 Do you know what they do? Is a mongoose a goose? 671 00:33:05,018 --> 00:33:07,100 The men fight... What's that one doing? 672 00:33:08,178 --> 00:33:11,847 What's he doing with his hands?! He's meering! Impression of a mongoose. 673 00:33:11,848 --> 00:33:14,807 The males fight so that one becomes dominant, and then he has his pick 674 00:33:14,808 --> 00:33:17,737 of the females, and he thinks he's in charge, and he'll usually 675 00:33:17,738 --> 00:33:20,837 drive out the second most dominant one, and then he'll live on his own. 676 00:33:20,838 --> 00:33:23,817 But the women sneak out to see him. 677 00:33:23,818 --> 00:33:25,607 Oh, that's very sweet. 678 00:33:25,608 --> 00:33:28,287 And that's how they keep mixing up the genes, you know? 679 00:33:28,288 --> 00:33:30,458 Yes, getting a diverse pool. The women sneak out. 680 00:33:30,459 --> 00:33:33,087 I saw, there was a whole programme about it. It's quite funny. 681 00:33:33,088 --> 00:33:34,967 They had quite funny little footage 682 00:33:34,968 --> 00:33:37,087 of the women kind of sneaking out of the camp. 683 00:33:37,088 --> 00:33:40,167 Like, climbing down, like, knotted sort of... Yeah, basically, yeah! 684 00:33:40,168 --> 00:33:43,177 And then she met up with Brian or whatever, and they did it, 685 00:33:43,178 --> 00:33:45,319 they literally did it in a bush! 686 00:33:46,828 --> 00:33:49,458 And then she went back to camp as if nothing had happened! 687 00:33:49,459 --> 00:33:51,557 No woman would sneak out for a Brian! 688 00:33:51,558 --> 00:33:52,867 No?! 689 00:33:52,868 --> 00:33:55,277 We're quite choosy. Animal magnetism. 690 00:33:55,278 --> 00:33:57,567 Animal magnetism. That's the one. 691 00:33:57,568 --> 00:34:01,307 The question asked was, "What do we learn from meerkats?" 692 00:34:01,308 --> 00:34:05,677 Well, if it's a driving instructor, it'll be driving. Yes... 693 00:34:07,268 --> 00:34:11,637 Let's... Iet's suppose it isn't a driving instructor. 694 00:34:11,638 --> 00:34:15,017 Let's suppose they're in the wild, in Africa. Is it a danger thing? 695 00:34:15,018 --> 00:34:17,527 We learnt they're one of the very few animals, 696 00:34:17,528 --> 00:34:20,967 other than human beings, who teach their young. 697 00:34:20,968 --> 00:34:23,637 Oh, they have classes. Kind of do, yeah. 698 00:34:23,638 --> 00:34:26,247 Ah! Little books and things. 699 00:34:26,248 --> 00:34:30,557 They sacrifice time and effort, with no apparent gain to self, to teach. 700 00:34:30,558 --> 00:34:32,568 That one's a supply teacher. 701 00:34:35,648 --> 00:34:37,027 He's got that look! 702 00:34:37,028 --> 00:34:39,897 They also gradually make their lessons harder for their pupil. 703 00:34:39,898 --> 00:34:41,737 One of the things they have to teach them, 704 00:34:41,738 --> 00:34:44,537 for example, is how to deal with a scorpion. 705 00:34:44,538 --> 00:34:47,897 So they start by giving them a scorpion that's dead, 706 00:34:47,898 --> 00:34:50,967 then a live one with no sting. Oh, my God! 707 00:34:50,968 --> 00:34:53,817 And then, finally, as you can see - there it is watching - 708 00:34:53,818 --> 00:34:56,007 making sure that it's all going well, 709 00:34:56,008 --> 00:34:58,487 if the scorpion escapes, it pushes it back in. 710 00:34:58,488 --> 00:35:01,277 And then eventually they give one a scorpion with a sting, 711 00:35:01,278 --> 00:35:03,338 so that they make sure their young pup... 712 00:35:03,339 --> 00:35:06,328 The last lesson is, "Don't get in that square with a scorpion!" 713 00:35:06,329 --> 00:35:08,737 Yeah! 714 00:35:08,738 --> 00:35:10,567 But I think it's rather... 715 00:35:10,568 --> 00:35:13,002 If you see a square with a scorpion in it, go round it. 716 00:35:15,168 --> 00:35:16,847 It is pretty impressive, isn't it? 717 00:35:16,848 --> 00:35:20,637 It's amazing! And do any of the young die? 718 00:35:20,638 --> 00:35:22,198 I think they're such good teachers, 719 00:35:22,199 --> 00:35:24,747 they know exactly what they're doing. Really? Yeah. 720 00:35:24,748 --> 00:35:27,127 They don't give them a live one, even WITHOUT a sting, 721 00:35:27,128 --> 00:35:29,137 until they're absolutely sure they can cope. 722 00:35:29,138 --> 00:35:32,267 And you would start on, like, your least favourite bairn. Wouldn't you? Yes! 723 00:35:32,268 --> 00:35:34,157 While you were learning how to teach. 724 00:35:34,158 --> 00:35:37,617 "He's boring, let's do him first. He's lazy." 725 00:35:37,618 --> 00:35:40,417 And you'd keep your good bairn for the end. 726 00:35:40,418 --> 00:35:42,927 Are you saying there's no bad students, only bad teachers? 727 00:35:42,928 --> 00:35:45,338 I mean, imagine that. "You are ready." G-doong! 728 00:35:45,339 --> 00:35:47,216 "Oh, you weren't ready, shit!" 729 00:35:50,339 --> 00:35:51,647 "Brian!" 730 00:35:51,648 --> 00:35:55,186 "I said a scorpion with no tail! Oh, God!" 731 00:35:57,408 --> 00:35:59,927 But other animals teach. I mean, it seems that 732 00:35:59,928 --> 00:36:02,257 formal teaching is clear in the ant world. 733 00:36:02,258 --> 00:36:04,607 They engage in tandem running, 734 00:36:04,608 --> 00:36:07,357 whereby a leader guides a pupil to a food store 735 00:36:07,358 --> 00:36:08,817 Iike that. There we are. 736 00:36:08,818 --> 00:36:11,097 The leader adjusts its speed of running, even though 737 00:36:11,098 --> 00:36:14,047 it means getting to the food four times more slowly 738 00:36:14,048 --> 00:36:15,607 just so the little one can catch up. 739 00:36:15,608 --> 00:36:18,168 So you can see it's very clearly leading it, 740 00:36:18,169 --> 00:36:19,567 and the other one's following. 741 00:36:19,568 --> 00:36:22,968 They also count their strides to measure how far they've travelled. 742 00:36:22,969 --> 00:36:25,979 It's easier on that cos they're on squared paper. 743 00:36:30,899 --> 00:36:33,129 "This is a grid. Shit!" 744 00:36:34,289 --> 00:36:37,258 Well, we've much to learn from ants and much to learn from meerkats. 745 00:36:37,259 --> 00:36:40,138 And so to the fearful mess that we call General Ignorance. 746 00:36:40,139 --> 00:36:45,188 Fingers on buzzers, please. How can I tell the age of this tree? 747 00:36:45,189 --> 00:36:47,608 Chop it down. 748 00:36:47,609 --> 00:36:50,538 Yeah, count the rings. Oh! 749 00:36:50,539 --> 00:36:53,008 Is that not right? Well, not really, no. 750 00:36:53,009 --> 00:36:55,928 It's a sort of rough guide, but it doesn't really tell you the age. 751 00:36:55,929 --> 00:36:59,058 Well, it's still a rough guide. Maybe that's all I'm after! 752 00:36:59,059 --> 00:37:00,459 It's not all... 753 00:37:00,460 --> 00:37:04,178 Maybe I don't care about accuracy, Stephen! Maybe I've got shit to do! 754 00:37:04,179 --> 00:37:06,090 Did the question say...? 755 00:37:07,470 --> 00:37:10,498 I'm afraid the answer is extremely annoying. 756 00:37:10,499 --> 00:37:12,898 There are some years when it doesn't put down rings 757 00:37:12,899 --> 00:37:15,818 and other years when it puts down two, even three rings. 758 00:37:15,819 --> 00:37:17,448 So it's very hard to tell precisely. 759 00:37:17,449 --> 00:37:19,848 Wow. As it's getting older, it starts lying. Yeah. 760 00:37:19,849 --> 00:37:21,008 Not putting a ring down. 761 00:37:21,009 --> 00:37:23,768 "Yeah, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. 762 00:37:23,769 --> 00:37:26,288 "This ran out years ago, mate. 763 00:37:26,289 --> 00:37:27,369 "32 again!" 764 00:37:33,009 --> 00:37:36,928 Dendrochronologists give a very annoying answer. 765 00:37:36,929 --> 00:37:39,858 They say the most reliable way to tell the age of a tree 766 00:37:39,859 --> 00:37:42,438 is to find out when it was planted. Yeah 767 00:37:42,439 --> 00:37:45,498 Oh, shut up! I know! It's not my answer, it's their answer. 768 00:37:45,499 --> 00:37:46,728 Passport! Yeah! 769 00:37:46,729 --> 00:37:48,988 But some are a little too old to be able to do that. 770 00:37:48,989 --> 00:37:51,648 In 2012 there was a seed, 771 00:37:51,649 --> 00:37:53,208 that was the oldest seed ever known 772 00:37:53,209 --> 00:37:56,778 successfully to germinate. How old do you think it was? 773 00:37:56,779 --> 00:37:58,898 1 million years! 774 00:37:58,899 --> 00:38:02,298 No. You said it like an evil genius there! 775 00:38:02,299 --> 00:38:04,648 "Mr Bond" No, 776 00:38:04,649 --> 00:38:06,498 it wasn't a million years... 777 00:38:06,499 --> 00:38:07,898 36... 32,000. Oh. 778 00:38:07,899 --> 00:38:09,768 You were going to say 36,000? Yeah. 779 00:38:09,769 --> 00:38:12,488 It was 32,000. So you were jolly close. 780 00:38:12,489 --> 00:38:14,618 They used carbon dating and that sort of thing. 781 00:38:14,619 --> 00:38:17,568 30 metres below the Siberian ice it was discovered, 782 00:38:17,569 --> 00:38:20,978 in a fossilised squirrel burrow. 783 00:38:20,979 --> 00:38:24,298 So it was probably buried there by a squirrel. 784 00:38:24,299 --> 00:38:26,938 How annoyed would that squirrel be? 785 00:38:26,939 --> 00:38:31,858 There was one in 2008 - a 2,000-year-old seed grew, and you may say that's not so impressive 786 00:38:31,859 --> 00:38:35,778 but it sprouted into an extinct date palm. 787 00:38:35,779 --> 00:38:37,578 - So that was rather wonderful. - Wow! 788 00:38:37,579 --> 00:38:40,438 A new species came back to life. Yeah. 789 00:38:40,439 --> 00:38:43,019 Now, what colour is the moon? 790 00:38:45,189 --> 00:38:46,939 Black. 791 00:38:51,989 --> 00:38:54,349 OK! Well... 792 00:38:54,350 --> 00:38:55,858 The dark side of the moon. 793 00:38:55,859 --> 00:38:58,428 I'll accept black, cos it's... The dark side of the moon. 794 00:38:58,429 --> 00:39:02,138 Well, the sides are all the same colour. I know! It's a nice thought, dark side of the moon. 795 00:39:02,139 --> 00:39:06,068 But actually, all the moon is very, very dark grey. Yes. 796 00:39:06,069 --> 00:39:08,298 Basically kind of charcoal. Almost black. 797 00:39:08,299 --> 00:39:11,578 Not a light grey and not a silvery colour. I mean, of course we get light... 798 00:39:11,579 --> 00:39:13,659 It's weird, cos you can't get grey cheese. 799 00:39:17,859 --> 00:39:20,448 Right. I hadn't thought of that. 800 00:39:20,449 --> 00:39:22,368 Yeah. 801 00:39:22,369 --> 00:39:24,548 It's quite bright, but not as bright as the Earth. 802 00:39:24,549 --> 00:39:26,378 A full Earth seen from the moon 803 00:39:26,379 --> 00:39:27,858 is a lot brighter 804 00:39:27,859 --> 00:39:29,448 than a full moon seen from the Earth. 805 00:39:29,449 --> 00:39:31,498 That's cos people leave their lights on. 806 00:39:31,499 --> 00:39:34,148 That's probably the reason, yeah, yeah. 807 00:39:34,149 --> 00:39:37,710 So the moon is very dark grey. But - what colour is the sun? 808 00:39:39,009 --> 00:39:42,308 I've heard it's... green. 809 00:39:43,340 --> 00:39:44,932 Not bad... Tartan? 810 00:39:46,929 --> 00:39:50,706 - Oh, you were doing so well, Noel. - Tartan 811 00:39:51,809 --> 00:39:54,258 Well, on the Farrow and Ball colour chart... 812 00:39:54,259 --> 00:39:56,307 Yes?..it's mushroom. 813 00:39:57,379 --> 00:40:00,698 Well, it is actually a kind of turquoise, so green is not bad. 814 00:40:00,699 --> 00:40:02,298 Is it? It's bluey-green. Turquoise? 815 00:40:02,299 --> 00:40:06,058 It emits photons of all the colours. Like a blue flame. 816 00:40:06,059 --> 00:40:08,368 But slightly more blue-green photons than any other, 817 00:40:08,369 --> 00:40:11,178 so it is, you know, a slightly blue/green tint. That is not fair. 818 00:40:11,179 --> 00:40:14,788 The moon and the sun are just playing with us. Well, yes! 819 00:40:14,789 --> 00:40:18,738 It would actually look white from space, more or less totally white. Right. 820 00:40:18,739 --> 00:40:22,368 As it does at noon if you looked at it from the ground. Like a star. But don't, obviously. 821 00:40:22,369 --> 00:40:24,378 Yeah, the sun is white with a hint of turquoise. 822 00:40:24,379 --> 00:40:26,176 What is "agoraphobia"? 823 00:40:27,299 --> 00:40:30,778 Ah, now, that's... Now, hang on... 824 00:40:30,779 --> 00:40:34,008 "Wait a second, I'm not going to get suckered into this!" 825 00:40:34,009 --> 00:40:36,728 You've spelt it different or something, have you? 826 00:40:36,729 --> 00:40:40,219 No... It's a bit like when Phil Brown said, "Why does Andrea Pirlo 827 00:40:40,220 --> 00:40:43,298 "not leave Italy and play in the Premier League? 828 00:40:43,299 --> 00:40:47,350 "Why does he want to stay in Italy? Is it because he's homophobic?" 829 00:40:50,449 --> 00:40:54,613 He thought "homophobic" meant he was afraid of leaving home! 830 00:40:56,539 --> 00:40:59,428 Well, it kind of makes sense. Out loud, on live radio. 831 00:40:59,429 --> 00:41:01,778 It was absolutely brilliant. 832 00:41:01,779 --> 00:41:04,349 Is it a fear of really fluffy rabbits? 833 00:41:04,350 --> 00:41:06,988 No! "Angoraphobia", very good. 834 00:41:06,989 --> 00:41:08,578 Thanks. 835 00:41:08,579 --> 00:41:12,099 Agoraphobia...? Yeah. Most people think "agoraphobia" 836 00:41:12,100 --> 00:41:13,339 means a fear of open spaces. 837 00:41:13,340 --> 00:41:15,368 "Agora" is the Greek for the marketplace, 838 00:41:15,369 --> 00:41:17,778 the equivalent of the Roman forum, it's the open place. 839 00:41:17,779 --> 00:41:20,219 But apparently in psychiatry, 840 00:41:20,220 --> 00:41:23,938 agoraphobia can be a fear of any kind of space you don't like. 841 00:41:23,939 --> 00:41:26,418 So claustrophobia is a kind of agoraphobia. 842 00:41:26,419 --> 00:41:28,219 Other phobias... 843 00:41:28,220 --> 00:41:32,578 Do you know, according to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in North Carolina, 844 00:41:32,579 --> 00:41:35,458 80% of high-rise buildings in America do not have what? 845 00:41:35,459 --> 00:41:37,428 Windows. 846 00:41:37,429 --> 00:41:39,508 No. 80%... 847 00:41:39,509 --> 00:41:41,028 A lift. 848 00:41:41,029 --> 00:41:43,578 We're talking about phobias...? A 13th floor. 849 00:41:43,579 --> 00:41:46,428 80% of buildings in America do not have a 13th floor. 850 00:41:46,429 --> 00:41:50,458 So what happens when they come here? Americans, and they see, like, "13th floor." 851 00:41:50,459 --> 00:41:52,588 "I'm not staying in this hotel!" No, they won't. 852 00:41:52,589 --> 00:41:57,298 Or at least they won't want to be on the 13th floor, they won't want the room on the 13th floor. 853 00:41:57,299 --> 00:42:00,019 "You're principally unlucky... because you're American." 854 00:42:01,149 --> 00:42:02,719 Now...! 855 00:42:08,529 --> 00:42:12,089 Alfred Hitchcock had a very powerful fear - of...? 856 00:42:12,090 --> 00:42:13,808 There is a word for it. 857 00:42:13,809 --> 00:42:15,898 Hummus. 858 00:42:15,899 --> 00:42:17,288 Might as well have been. 859 00:42:17,289 --> 00:42:21,339 It was alektorophobia. "Alektorophobia", not "electro-". 860 00:42:21,340 --> 00:42:25,168 It's all the more extraordinary that he made the film The Birds... People called Alec. 861 00:42:25,169 --> 00:42:30,078 No, not people called Alec. It's not a fear of birds, but it's a fear of something birds produce. 862 00:42:30,079 --> 00:42:32,508 Eggs. Eggs, he had a fear of eggs. 863 00:42:32,509 --> 00:42:35,718 Never ate one... Really? He used to weep around omelettes. 864 00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:37,748 He actually looks scared in that picture, 865 00:42:37,749 --> 00:42:39,618 as if you'd shown him the eggs. 866 00:42:39,619 --> 00:42:43,359 I'd be scared if an egg that size was coming... That's true, it's a big egg. 867 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:47,659 And all that's left now is the rather messy business of the scores. 868 00:42:49,429 --> 00:42:51,898 I've got a fear of the scores. 869 00:42:51,899 --> 00:42:53,668 Well, don't have, because... 870 00:42:53,669 --> 00:42:58,259 in last place, with minus 15 is Sarah Millican, I'm afraid! 871 00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:08,059 In third place, with a jolly minus 14, is Noel Fielding! 872 00:43:12,659 --> 00:43:16,939 With a highly impressive minus 4, in second place, Eddie Kadi. 873 00:43:20,469 --> 00:43:23,818 It can only mean one astonishing thing. 874 00:43:23,819 --> 00:43:26,819 In first place, with minus 1, Alan Davies. 875 00:43:34,149 --> 00:43:35,878 Well! 876 00:43:37,509 --> 00:43:39,979 That's this mess cleaned up. 877 00:43:39,980 --> 00:43:43,018 So we thank Eddie, Noel, Sarah, Alan and me. 878 00:43:43,019 --> 00:43:45,969 In the words of that prolific writer, Anne Onymous, 879 00:43:45,970 --> 00:43:48,068 "Chaos, panic and disorder. 880 00:43:48,069 --> 00:43:50,379 "My work here is done." Goodnight.