1 00:00:31,010 --> 00:00:33,209 Goooooood evening, 2 00:00:33,210 --> 00:00:35,769 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,800 and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:37,801 --> 00:00:40,769 where, tonight, we're mixing and matching 5 00:00:40,770 --> 00:00:44,249 a medley of things beginning with M. 6 00:00:44,250 --> 00:00:46,489 Now, let's meet our makers. 7 00:00:46,490 --> 00:00:48,440 The matchless James Acaster. 8 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,610 The match-fit Jo Brand. 9 00:00:57,770 --> 00:01:01,690 The match made in heaven, Bill Bailey. 10 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,769 And... 11 00:01:06,770 --> 00:01:09,120 match abandoned, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:17,960 So, let's hear you mix. James goes... 13 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,429 That's mixing. Is it? 14 00:01:24,430 --> 00:01:26,629 Yeah, you're beating an egg, I think. 15 00:01:26,630 --> 00:01:29,930 Beating something. 16 00:01:29,931 --> 00:01:31,689 Now. 17 00:01:31,690 --> 00:01:34,089 You're on your first warning. 18 00:01:34,090 --> 00:01:35,440 Jo goes... 19 00:01:39,730 --> 00:01:41,870 Yes, that's masturbation as I know it. 20 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,921 I'd love to know what the machine is, wouldn't you? 21 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,120 Bill goes... 22 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,079 Ah, yeah. I like it, yes. 23 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,921 That's masturbation as I know it. 24 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,880 So, three mixes and Alan goes... 25 00:02:13,290 --> 00:02:15,329 Ah, you see. A match. Yeah. 26 00:02:15,330 --> 00:02:16,599 So, on with the game. 27 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,409 Now our first "M" tonight is "M" for metals. 28 00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:24,679 Can you see anything on this board here that does not contain metal? 29 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,679 Oh. You've got a mushroom, 30 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,999 a balloon, a stack of coins, 31 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,719 a monkey, a star, an Alan Davies... 32 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,489 of some kind. An Alan Davies. 33 00:02:34,490 --> 00:02:37,409 Well, bodies do contain metal, so it can't be... 34 00:02:37,410 --> 00:02:39,489 They do. It can't be you... 35 00:02:39,490 --> 00:02:42,199 Alan, you contain metal. Yes. You do. I do. 36 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,510 Enough iron to make a nail. Alan specifically? 37 00:02:45,850 --> 00:02:47,839 Yeah, just Alan. Just Alan. He can make a nail. 38 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,519 But, no, that's right, isn't it? 39 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,839 The body contains enough iron to make a nail - 40 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:55,040 phosphorus, carbon, water... 41 00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:56,879 Magnesium. Lime. 42 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,959 Gold, actually. A person... 43 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,510 You could boil it down to a half-decent kids' party. 44 00:03:03,210 --> 00:03:06,529 You could get a paddling pool, some fireworks and a tequila slammer. 45 00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:09,599 All inside us, churning away. All inside. So, it can't be Alan. 46 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,050 No, it's not me. And I don't... I'm... 47 00:03:12,051 --> 00:03:13,969 Now, look... Now. 48 00:03:13,970 --> 00:03:16,689 Things that grow probably have got metal in them... Yes. 49 00:03:16,690 --> 00:03:18,519 ..that's my thinking. Yeah. 50 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,839 The fact is, you've brilliantly avoided everything, 51 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,489 cos all those things contain metals. 52 00:03:23,490 --> 00:03:25,050 When the universe was created... 53 00:03:25,051 --> 00:03:26,589 4,000 years ago... 54 00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:29,410 4,000 years ago, as it says in the Bible... by our Lord. 55 00:03:30,801 --> 00:03:33,489 ..only two elements were created at that time. 56 00:03:33,490 --> 00:03:34,800 Gold and silver. 57 00:03:34,801 --> 00:03:37,040 Yes. 58 00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:39,409 It was... Frankincense and myrrh. 59 00:03:39,410 --> 00:03:40,879 Cheese and pickle. 60 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,839 They are still the most abundant elements in the universe. Helium! 61 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,050 99% of the universe is composed of? 62 00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:47,770 Helium and sarcasm. 63 00:03:50,770 --> 00:03:52,419 Helium and... 64 00:03:52,420 --> 00:03:53,699 Hydrogen? 65 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,519 Hydrogen is correct. Yes. 66 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:58,339 And then the first two elements to be created, 67 00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:00,129 after hydrogen and helium, 68 00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:01,689 which are both gases, 69 00:04:01,690 --> 00:04:03,199 were both metals. 70 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,599 Imagine God was rather depressed by having created the universe. 71 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,209 A knife. I should think he bloody well was. I would be. Yeah. 72 00:04:09,210 --> 00:04:11,529 So, if you're depressed, what's the metal you'd go for? 73 00:04:11,530 --> 00:04:12,699 Lithium. Lithium. 74 00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:15,050 Lithium was one of them, and the other was beryllium. 75 00:04:15,051 --> 00:04:18,053 Oh, beryllium. Beryllium, I love that one. Beryllium. 76 00:04:18,054 --> 00:04:20,044 And how were they created? What was the process? 77 00:04:20,045 --> 00:04:21,483 It was in the stars. 78 00:04:21,484 --> 00:04:23,034 Fusion? Fusion. 79 00:04:23,035 --> 00:04:25,034 You're on fire. Crikey! 80 00:04:25,035 --> 00:04:26,433 Like the stars, very good. 81 00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:30,503 Yeah. 82 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,193 And in that fusion, EVERYTHING was made. 83 00:04:33,194 --> 00:04:36,774 And we are, as Carl Sagan famously said, we are made of star stuff. 84 00:04:36,775 --> 00:04:40,593 We are made of the stuff that was created in those fusion moments. 85 00:04:40,594 --> 00:04:41,943 Yes, we are. 86 00:04:41,944 --> 00:04:45,943 And astronomers call anything that isn't the first two, 87 00:04:45,944 --> 00:04:48,583 hydrogen and helium, a metal - 88 00:04:48,584 --> 00:04:50,403 even if it's oxygen. 89 00:04:50,404 --> 00:04:52,874 Are some people made of heavy metal? 90 00:04:54,114 --> 00:04:55,483 Yeah. Lemmy. Lemmy. 91 00:04:55,484 --> 00:04:57,303 Lemmy from Motorhead. 92 00:04:57,304 --> 00:04:59,233 Death metal. That's a good one. 93 00:04:59,234 --> 00:05:00,753 Yeah. Thrash metal. 94 00:05:00,754 --> 00:05:02,503 Nu metal, when I was a teenager. 95 00:05:02,504 --> 00:05:03,763 What's nu metal? 96 00:05:03,764 --> 00:05:06,044 It was rap and metal together. 97 00:05:06,045 --> 00:05:07,514 It went very badly. 98 00:05:08,634 --> 00:05:10,953 Yeah, there was quite a lot of... 99 00:05:10,954 --> 00:05:12,343 Quite a lot of that in it, yeah. 100 00:05:12,344 --> 00:05:17,293 There was one I was told about that was a mixture of techno and disco... 101 00:05:17,294 --> 00:05:19,144 and it was called Tesco. 102 00:05:21,114 --> 00:05:22,683 Then there was Valium metal, 103 00:05:22,684 --> 00:05:24,224 and Tesco's own-brand metal. 104 00:05:26,434 --> 00:05:29,833 Yeah, the human body contains a lot of metal, even gold. 105 00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:32,143 How many human beings 106 00:05:32,144 --> 00:05:34,633 would you need to extract the gold from 107 00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:37,763 before you could make, of them, a gold coin? 108 00:05:37,764 --> 00:05:39,665 Just Mr T. 109 00:05:41,114 --> 00:05:42,114 Yes, just that, yeah. 110 00:05:42,115 --> 00:05:43,513 Very good, that's true. 111 00:05:43,514 --> 00:05:44,664 Normal humans. 112 00:05:44,665 --> 00:05:46,403 One million humans. No. 113 00:05:46,404 --> 00:05:48,223 One billion humans. No, it's... 114 00:05:48,224 --> 00:05:50,063 47. 115 00:05:50,064 --> 00:05:52,293 Six. 116 00:05:52,294 --> 00:05:54,423 This could take a long time. 40,000. 117 00:05:54,424 --> 00:05:56,664 And how many different metals have we got inside us? 118 00:05:56,665 --> 00:05:58,023 72. 119 00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,143 47. 120 00:05:59,144 --> 00:06:01,114 Very close, it's 48! 121 00:06:03,294 --> 00:06:04,943 Whoa! On fire! 122 00:06:04,944 --> 00:06:07,233 Amazing. On fire! 123 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:08,914 In your face! 124 00:06:08,915 --> 00:06:11,313 Did you just point at Alan and say, "Eat it"? 125 00:06:11,314 --> 00:06:12,993 No. 126 00:06:12,994 --> 00:06:14,833 No, I pointed at him and went, "On fire!" 127 00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:16,583 Oh, "On fire." "On fire!" 128 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:17,664 It's most impressive. 129 00:06:17,665 --> 00:06:19,403 And you're all right, in many ways. 130 00:06:19,404 --> 00:06:23,073 To astronomers, anything that isn't hydrogen or helium is a metal. 131 00:06:23,074 --> 00:06:26,303 Even apparently normal metals can be quite deceptive, 132 00:06:26,304 --> 00:06:27,943 as this trick shows. 133 00:06:27,944 --> 00:06:30,233 I'm going to get a glass of water, 134 00:06:30,234 --> 00:06:33,753 and I'll get a teaspoon. 135 00:06:33,754 --> 00:06:37,513 Right. Oh, I'll just... To prove that it is water, I'll drink it. 136 00:06:37,514 --> 00:06:39,404 That just proves it might be vodka. 137 00:06:41,194 --> 00:06:45,223 It proves at least that it's not sulphuric acid or something... Yeah. 138 00:06:45,224 --> 00:06:46,664 ..because what I'm going to do 139 00:06:46,665 --> 00:06:48,917 is try and make this teaspoon disappear. 140 00:06:51,124 --> 00:06:52,953 It may not work. 141 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:54,373 I'm not a good magician, 142 00:06:54,374 --> 00:06:56,223 I'm a great magician. 143 00:06:56,224 --> 00:06:58,601 And so we stir it here and I... 144 00:06:59,764 --> 00:07:01,753 Oh, don't, Oh, no... 145 00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:04,473 Oh, it might not work, it might work, I don't know. 146 00:07:04,474 --> 00:07:07,023 I'm, oh... 147 00:07:07,024 --> 00:07:08,954 Yeah, it seems to have worked. Ooh. 148 00:07:12,304 --> 00:07:14,123 Wow! 149 00:07:14,124 --> 00:07:17,743 There you are. Thank you. 150 00:07:17,744 --> 00:07:19,023 That's rather good, isn't it? 151 00:07:19,024 --> 00:07:20,593 Rather good. That's good. That is. 152 00:07:20,594 --> 00:07:22,733 In fact, on this occasion, it wasn't a magic trick, 153 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,583 and it's something you can do. 154 00:07:24,584 --> 00:07:27,933 I'll give you your water and you'll notice the water is rather warm. 155 00:07:27,934 --> 00:07:30,303 Oh, it's warm. It's warm water. Warm water. 156 00:07:30,304 --> 00:07:32,473 And I'll give you a couple of spoons. 157 00:07:32,474 --> 00:07:34,833 They are metal, they're metal spoons, but the metal... 158 00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:36,584 Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer? 159 00:07:37,994 --> 00:07:40,593 They might as well be - they're made out of gallium. 160 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:43,153 And gallium is a metal... 161 00:07:43,154 --> 00:07:44,924 A very useful metal. 162 00:07:44,925 --> 00:07:48,123 Let's have a look... but it has the quality that it melts, 163 00:07:48,124 --> 00:07:51,353 as Alan is showing, in water. Good Lord. 164 00:07:51,354 --> 00:07:53,833 Oh, you wouldn't want that of your teaspoon, would you? 165 00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:55,924 No, it wouldn't make a practical teaspoon. 166 00:07:55,925 --> 00:07:59,643 That's lasting less time than a biscuit. Yeah. 167 00:07:59,644 --> 00:08:00,843 That's it. Look at that. 168 00:08:00,844 --> 00:08:02,303 Now, if you stir it, 169 00:08:02,304 --> 00:08:04,383 it'll happen more quickly. 170 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:06,833 Oh, good Lord, look at that. Ah, jeez. That is... 171 00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,273 That would be the most annoying teaspoon in the world. 172 00:08:09,274 --> 00:08:11,843 It really would, wouldn't it? Now, oh. 173 00:08:11,844 --> 00:08:13,993 But it's, like, Terminator's teaspoon. 174 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,503 Yeah, exactly. Terminator 2, it should be said. 175 00:08:16,504 --> 00:08:19,273 Yes. Terminator two-spoon. 176 00:08:19,274 --> 00:08:20,664 Hey! 177 00:08:20,665 --> 00:08:23,743 Well, I hope you're impressed with that. Wow. I'm very impressed. Yeah. 178 00:08:23,744 --> 00:08:27,353 It's not poisonous, gallium, so you can drink it again. I shan't. 179 00:08:27,354 --> 00:08:30,383 OK. You can put your glasses away. 180 00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:32,664 There you are, top man. 181 00:08:32,665 --> 00:08:33,994 "Mmm, delicious." 182 00:08:35,744 --> 00:08:36,914 OK, pop away. 183 00:08:36,915 --> 00:08:38,203 Er... gallium. 184 00:08:38,204 --> 00:08:42,273 Gallium was discovered in the 19th century by a Frenchman... Yes... 185 00:08:42,274 --> 00:08:43,393 ..called Lecoq. 186 00:08:43,394 --> 00:08:44,473 Oh... 187 00:08:44,474 --> 00:08:49,283 And he called it gallium because he was French 188 00:08:49,284 --> 00:08:51,843 and he wanted to be patriotic. Gaul. 189 00:08:51,844 --> 00:08:54,463 Yeah. Exactly, as in our word "Gallic." 190 00:08:54,464 --> 00:08:58,463 But also, there's another word which means "cockerel," 191 00:08:58,464 --> 00:09:00,023 Oh. Which is "gallus," 192 00:09:00,024 --> 00:09:03,633 so he called gallium after himself as well as after his country. 193 00:09:03,634 --> 00:09:05,864 So he was modest. He was modest, exactly. 194 00:09:06,954 --> 00:09:08,743 Staying with valuable metals, 195 00:09:08,744 --> 00:09:13,511 though, what use did the world's richest man have for wide trousers? 196 00:09:16,925 --> 00:09:18,664 Yeah? 197 00:09:18,665 --> 00:09:20,844 Did he have very fat ankles? 198 00:09:22,024 --> 00:09:24,503 That would be useful. Who was the world's richest man? 199 00:09:24,504 --> 00:09:27,233 That's what we have to discover. Is he alive today? 200 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,863 No. Was he a Greek bloke? 201 00:09:28,864 --> 00:09:30,303 Was it... No... Rockefeller? 202 00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:32,063 Wasn't Croesus, wasn't Rockefeller. 203 00:09:32,064 --> 00:09:36,203 But it has been calculated, quite recently in fact, that this 204 00:09:36,204 --> 00:09:39,473 man was the richest man by any standards... Ever? 205 00:09:39,474 --> 00:09:41,233 ..of which there has ever been. Oh! 206 00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:43,675 Someone... Aladdin. Aladdin, yes. 207 00:09:45,154 --> 00:09:47,313 I'm going to say, and I don't want to upset anybody, 208 00:09:47,314 --> 00:09:49,033 I'm going to say it's someone real. 209 00:09:49,034 --> 00:09:51,104 Someone... Ah, someone from Fifa. 210 00:09:59,824 --> 00:10:01,794 Someone from the 14th century. 211 00:10:01,795 --> 00:10:04,113 He is M-M-of M-. 212 00:10:04,114 --> 00:10:06,651 Murmansk. Did he come from Murmansk? No. 213 00:10:07,925 --> 00:10:09,003 Mesopotamia. No! 214 00:10:09,004 --> 00:10:11,234 No, it's good, though. Margate. 215 00:10:13,394 --> 00:10:17,033 He visited Mesopotamia... Mick of Margate. 216 00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:19,283 He visited Mesopotamia? Well... 217 00:10:19,284 --> 00:10:21,233 Mu... Mohammed.....Arabia. 218 00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:22,993 Muchti? The Muchti. 219 00:10:22,994 --> 00:10:25,363 He was Muslim, so that's another M. 220 00:10:25,364 --> 00:10:27,744 Ming the Merciless. Ming the Merciless. 221 00:10:31,594 --> 00:10:34,273 Mansa Musa. Is the right answer, but... Who? 222 00:10:34,274 --> 00:10:38,313 ..you would have got more points... 223 00:10:40,675 --> 00:10:42,914 The audience is very impressive, isn't it? They are. 224 00:10:42,915 --> 00:10:46,143 You'd only have got more points if you'd said Mansa Musa I. 225 00:10:46,144 --> 00:10:47,513 Ah. 226 00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,873 But, no, Mansa Musa is the right answer. Ah. 227 00:10:49,874 --> 00:10:54,513 What's the country he's from? Mess... Er... No. 228 00:10:54,514 --> 00:10:55,794 Muh... Mer... Muk... Mali. 229 00:10:55,795 --> 00:10:58,713 Mali. Mali! Mali, he comes from, Africa. 230 00:10:58,714 --> 00:11:01,363 Mali. And his riches came from gold. 231 00:11:01,364 --> 00:11:04,554 Oh. He had so much gold, you would not believe. 232 00:11:04,555 --> 00:11:06,924 He was also a very faithful Muslim, 233 00:11:06,925 --> 00:11:11,833 and he went on the Hajj to Mecca, and on his Hajj, every Friday, 234 00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:15,883 he stopped and he built a mosque, but also, everyone he met, 235 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,193 he gave gold to. 236 00:11:17,194 --> 00:11:18,393 Right. 237 00:11:18,394 --> 00:11:21,873 By the time all these people went to cash their gold in, 238 00:11:21,874 --> 00:11:23,873 it destroyed the market for it. 239 00:11:23,874 --> 00:11:26,473 And they suffered from hyperinflation. 240 00:11:26,474 --> 00:11:30,674 And he very generously tried to put right what he'd done wrong, 241 00:11:30,675 --> 00:11:32,953 so he bought the gold back, 242 00:11:32,954 --> 00:11:37,243 but it still destroyed the whole Mediterranean economy for ten years. 243 00:11:37,244 --> 00:11:39,873 What an idiot. 244 00:11:39,874 --> 00:11:42,953 He was trying to be kind. Well, there's that saying, isn't there, 245 00:11:42,954 --> 00:11:46,363 "No act of kindness ever goes unpunished." 246 00:11:46,364 --> 00:11:49,353 Yes! And I think that's very true in this case. It is very true. 247 00:11:49,354 --> 00:11:54,863 He was also quite a warrior, and he had an army of 100,000, and 248 00:11:54,864 --> 00:11:59,193 if he had a successful general, he would reward him with wide trousers. 249 00:11:59,194 --> 00:12:01,363 That's... That was the question! 250 00:12:01,364 --> 00:12:04,753 If you had wide trousers it was proof of your success as a general. 251 00:12:04,754 --> 00:12:07,193 Wide trousers being what? Oxford bags. 252 00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:10,448 Pretty jolly wide. Kind of Showaddywaddy. Yeah. 253 00:12:11,514 --> 00:12:13,313 On his way back from Mecca, 254 00:12:13,314 --> 00:12:16,753 he stopped and established this city that became a great 255 00:12:16,754 --> 00:12:18,283 centre for Islamic scholarship 256 00:12:18,284 --> 00:12:20,873 and world scholarship for the following century. Hmm. 257 00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,593 Do you know what that town was called? 258 00:12:22,594 --> 00:12:24,516 On the way from Mecca to Mali. Yeah. 259 00:12:25,594 --> 00:12:28,713 Closer to Mali than Mecca by a long way. Mombasa. 260 00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:30,903 No. There it is! Good effort, though. 261 00:12:30,904 --> 00:12:32,243 I keep looking at that picture 262 00:12:32,244 --> 00:12:34,233 Iike I'm going to recognise it or something. 263 00:12:34,234 --> 00:12:36,304 Ah, yeah... 264 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,154 Is it Timbuktu? Yes! Timbuktu. 265 00:12:45,805 --> 00:12:46,806 Well done. 266 00:12:48,114 --> 00:12:53,163 Yes, Mansa Musa of Mali made medieval markets melt down. 267 00:12:53,164 --> 00:12:55,003 From one golden age to another, 268 00:12:55,004 --> 00:12:58,444 how did the ancient Britons celebrate the merry month of May? 269 00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:03,043 Jo. Was it pole dancing? 270 00:13:03,044 --> 00:13:04,633 Oh, ha-ha... 271 00:13:04,634 --> 00:13:05,954 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 272 00:13:07,514 --> 00:13:09,843 That's not... 273 00:13:10,384 --> 00:13:12,993 No, that's not what I said. She's quite right. 274 00:13:12,994 --> 00:13:14,474 You didn't say "maypole." 275 00:13:18,594 --> 00:13:20,593 Human sacrifice, probably? 276 00:13:20,594 --> 00:13:22,473 Human sacrifice, no, not that. 277 00:13:22,474 --> 00:13:24,903 Mead? Mead is possible. 278 00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:27,314 Cannibalism? 279 00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:31,313 Not that we know of. We don't know much about the ancient Britons. 280 00:13:31,314 --> 00:13:33,444 If only they'd blogged more. 281 00:13:35,004 --> 00:13:38,523 Murder - they would murder people for a laugh. 282 00:13:38,524 --> 00:13:40,113 Anyone who really liked April. 283 00:13:40,114 --> 00:13:43,073 They'd murder them really badly. Yeah. 284 00:13:43,074 --> 00:13:44,823 Well, they would pick flowers. 285 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,934 Ugh. 286 00:13:47,555 --> 00:13:49,373 As far as we know, they didn't do much 287 00:13:49,374 --> 00:13:51,633 other than the fact that it was early summer, 288 00:13:51,634 --> 00:13:54,804 Iate spring, and they would put flowers in the house. 289 00:13:54,805 --> 00:13:56,393 The things we think of - 290 00:13:56,394 --> 00:13:59,833 Morris dancing and maypoles and the Queen of the May and everything - 291 00:13:59,834 --> 00:14:01,873 were all later inventions. 292 00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:06,273 Morris dancing seems to have arrived in the 15th century. 293 00:14:06,274 --> 00:14:09,044 Oh, God, what a terrible year. 294 00:14:10,194 --> 00:14:12,443 A bad year. They have much to answer for. They have. 295 00:14:12,444 --> 00:14:15,723 Do you know why it's called Morris dancing, where that comes from? 296 00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,674 It was just boredom. That's really what it was, wasn't it? 297 00:14:18,675 --> 00:14:20,263 A combination of boredom, 298 00:14:20,264 --> 00:14:23,153 nothing to do and we might as well do something. 299 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:24,373 Do a dance. 300 00:14:24,374 --> 00:14:26,814 Do a dance. Yeah. Let's have some mead and do a dance. 301 00:14:26,815 --> 00:14:29,604 "What's your name?" "Morris." "Right, we'll call it after you." 302 00:14:30,634 --> 00:14:33,483 We think they borrowed the name from the Spaniards, 303 00:14:33,484 --> 00:14:35,033 who had a Morisco dance. Oh! 304 00:14:35,034 --> 00:14:39,883 When they celebrated the expulsion of the Moors, or Moriscos, 305 00:14:39,884 --> 00:14:43,523 as in the word Morocco, from Spain, and this dance came to England 306 00:14:43,524 --> 00:14:45,963 by the 15th century, and we did that sort of dance. 307 00:14:45,964 --> 00:14:49,273 So it's a bit racist, really. If you like, yeah. 308 00:14:49,274 --> 00:14:51,754 Yeah. Well, maybe we could get it banned on that account. 309 00:14:56,234 --> 00:14:58,532 Got to try. Poor old Morris dancers. 310 00:14:59,675 --> 00:15:02,623 Yeah. The most traditional way to celebrate May Day 311 00:15:02,624 --> 00:15:04,623 is to decorate your house with flowers. 312 00:15:04,624 --> 00:15:07,953 Our next M also grows in the ground. 313 00:15:07,954 --> 00:15:10,036 Now, what sex is this mushroom? 314 00:15:10,904 --> 00:15:12,903 What sex? What sex? 315 00:15:12,904 --> 00:15:14,484 Well, it looks like a penis, so... 316 00:15:15,484 --> 00:15:17,114 ..I'm guessing it's female. 317 00:15:19,034 --> 00:15:20,603 You see... 318 00:15:20,604 --> 00:15:22,603 Now... Is it male, then? 319 00:15:22,604 --> 00:15:26,813 Oh! 320 00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:30,523 Is it asexual? 321 00:15:30,524 --> 00:15:32,623 Well... it's not asexual, no. 322 00:15:32,624 --> 00:15:34,993 Is it a stinkhorn? Just doesn't have a gen... 323 00:15:34,994 --> 00:15:36,804 We're going to come to stinkhorns. 324 00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,513 But you can have a look. I love them. 325 00:15:38,514 --> 00:15:41,194 See if you can spot the organs of generation on those. 326 00:15:43,264 --> 00:15:45,723 Well, there's a mushroom. Yeah. 327 00:15:45,724 --> 00:15:47,483 Fry it up, lovely. 328 00:15:47,484 --> 00:15:49,804 It's difficult to tell, isn't it? They're all sort of... 329 00:15:49,805 --> 00:15:51,243 They're all vaguely suggestive 330 00:15:51,244 --> 00:15:53,123 in some way, aren't they? I mean... Yeah. 331 00:15:53,124 --> 00:15:55,814 Any type of fungus will tell you the same story - 332 00:15:55,815 --> 00:15:58,253 they don't have genders. They don't have sexes. 333 00:15:58,254 --> 00:16:00,684 Oh, right. They do reproduce, 334 00:16:00,685 --> 00:16:03,173 but they don't use gender as a... 335 00:16:03,174 --> 00:16:04,753 Spores? Is it spores? 336 00:16:04,754 --> 00:16:07,123 Spores, well, spores have to be... Inseminated. 337 00:16:07,124 --> 00:16:08,913 They have to be inseminated, germinated. 338 00:16:08,914 --> 00:16:11,953 But there is no gender, you don't have a female or a male. Right. 339 00:16:11,954 --> 00:16:14,704 Oh, you've made a whole new one with a hat. I've made a new one. 340 00:16:15,805 --> 00:16:18,623 It's like a French painter. "Ah. Ah-ha-ho-ho." 341 00:16:18,624 --> 00:16:20,624 But... 342 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:24,284 Oh! 343 00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:26,593 "No, I'm a... 344 00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:28,314 "Some people say I'm a mushroom, but..." 345 00:16:29,844 --> 00:16:32,004 Oh, what the hell. "I have no gender!" 346 00:16:33,484 --> 00:16:36,323 "I have no gender, I am nothing, not male nor female." 347 00:16:36,324 --> 00:16:38,314 "Ha-ha! I laugh at you. Ah-ha-ha!" 348 00:16:39,924 --> 00:16:42,633 You mentioned the stinkhorn. Yes, I did, I love that. 349 00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,073 Well, have a look at one. 350 00:16:44,074 --> 00:16:45,243 There you are. 351 00:16:45,244 --> 00:16:48,703 Ohh! Ooh, dirty stinkhorn. Dirty! 352 00:16:48,704 --> 00:16:50,163 It's pretty grim, isn't it? 353 00:16:50,164 --> 00:16:51,883 Is that flies? 354 00:16:51,884 --> 00:16:55,993 Yeah, flies all over it. Its Latin name is phallus impudicus, 355 00:16:55,994 --> 00:16:59,194 which means... Oh, you wouldn't want that on your cock, would you? 356 00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:01,393 Not again. 357 00:17:01,394 --> 00:17:04,033 The meaning of its name is "shameless cock." 358 00:17:04,034 --> 00:17:05,593 Shameless cock. 359 00:17:05,594 --> 00:17:06,913 Is it? Shameless! Yeah. 360 00:17:06,914 --> 00:17:08,473 Phallus impudicus. 361 00:17:08,474 --> 00:17:10,613 And it gives off a sort of mucus... 362 00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:14,764 That's actually given me an idea for my husband's birthday present. 363 00:17:15,604 --> 00:17:17,963 A little fly willy warmer. 364 00:17:17,964 --> 00:17:19,684 What do you think? Yeah. He'd love it. 365 00:17:19,685 --> 00:17:21,763 He would love it. Beautiful idea. 366 00:17:21,764 --> 00:17:26,253 There's a mucus that's given off on the top of it, um... 367 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,973 And it stinks, hence the name stinkhorn. It does. 368 00:17:28,974 --> 00:17:33,073 It smells of rotting meat, and it attracts flies. 369 00:17:33,074 --> 00:17:36,073 You can't eat them, either, can you? Oh, the Chinese do. Do they? 370 00:17:36,074 --> 00:17:37,913 They dry them and they eat them, 371 00:17:37,914 --> 00:17:42,963 because they've discovered this really important scientific fact. 372 00:17:42,964 --> 00:17:46,163 - They're aphrodisiac. - Of course they are. Oh, yeah 373 00:17:46,164 --> 00:17:48,204 Er... 374 00:17:48,274 --> 00:17:50,123 So there it is, that's the stinkhorn. 375 00:17:50,124 --> 00:17:52,833 Is that only because it looks like a penis, let's be honest? It is. 376 00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:55,613 That's why it's called... "Oh, look, it looks like an erect penis, 377 00:17:55,614 --> 00:17:58,564 "therefore, ergo, it must be an aphrodisiac." 378 00:17:58,565 --> 00:18:01,533 Yeah. That's what it is, really. I'm afraid it is. Effectively. 379 00:18:01,534 --> 00:18:04,203 There's a lot of things that look like an erect penis that... 380 00:18:04,204 --> 00:18:06,123 don't get used as aphrodisiacs. 381 00:18:06,124 --> 00:18:07,643 Like? Like... 382 00:18:07,644 --> 00:18:08,815 A baguette. 383 00:18:10,534 --> 00:18:11,763 Very good. 384 00:18:11,764 --> 00:18:14,523 Now, let's stay in the garden. 385 00:18:14,524 --> 00:18:17,273 Why would you spread mustard on your lawn? 386 00:18:17,274 --> 00:18:20,833 So you can... Like, if you stick roast beef on yourself, 387 00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:23,963 and you slide across the lawn... 388 00:18:23,964 --> 00:18:26,565 Somebody's made a graphic of a man mowing some custard. 389 00:18:29,964 --> 00:18:32,753 Imagine you wanted to conduct 390 00:18:32,754 --> 00:18:36,033 a worm census of your lawn, 391 00:18:36,034 --> 00:18:39,123 you wanted to find out how many worms there wah... "There wah"? 392 00:18:39,124 --> 00:18:41,123 ..in your lawn. Make them come up out of the earth 393 00:18:41,124 --> 00:18:42,993 with washing-up liquid. 394 00:18:42,994 --> 00:18:44,643 Is that what you'd use? Yeah. 395 00:18:44,644 --> 00:18:46,793 That really works a treat, actually. 396 00:18:46,794 --> 00:18:48,843 What, do you put the washing up liquid...? 397 00:18:48,844 --> 00:18:51,684 You just spray washing-up liquid on the lawn and they all come up, 398 00:18:51,685 --> 00:18:53,924 "Oh", like that, to help you with the washing up. 399 00:18:55,604 --> 00:18:57,123 And it doesn't harm them? 400 00:18:57,124 --> 00:18:58,324 Oh, it kills them. 401 00:19:00,244 --> 00:19:01,483 This... 402 00:19:01,484 --> 00:19:03,613 This is where your system and mine differ, 403 00:19:03,614 --> 00:19:06,473 because my system is just about counting them and not harming them. 404 00:19:06,474 --> 00:19:07,633 Right. Because it does... 405 00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:09,884 But you can still count them when they're dead. 406 00:19:11,714 --> 00:19:14,113 Easier, really. It is easier. It's true, you're right. 407 00:19:14,114 --> 00:19:17,533 Dry them out. But they're good for aerating the lawn, aren't they? 408 00:19:17,534 --> 00:19:19,414 So is a pitchfork. Yeah. 409 00:19:20,695 --> 00:19:22,643 Well, anyway, it irritates them slightly, 410 00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:24,053 but it doesn't kill them. 411 00:19:24,054 --> 00:19:26,203 And, in fact, they did this in America, 412 00:19:26,204 --> 00:19:32,043 and discovered that 100% of North American worms are non-native. 413 00:19:32,044 --> 00:19:34,793 All the worms of North America 414 00:19:34,794 --> 00:19:37,613 were wiped out a long time ago. 415 00:19:37,614 --> 00:19:39,923 Washing-up liquid! Must have been. 416 00:19:39,924 --> 00:19:41,483 10,000 years ago, 417 00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:43,913 before washing-up liquid. Ice age? 418 00:19:43,914 --> 00:19:45,723 Ice age is the right answer. 419 00:19:45,724 --> 00:19:47,073 Yeah, they were wiped out. 420 00:19:47,074 --> 00:19:48,524 He's on fire, you're both on fire! 421 00:19:52,404 --> 00:19:54,473 Yeah, the European worms arrived 422 00:19:54,474 --> 00:19:56,243 in the root balls of plants 423 00:19:56,244 --> 00:19:58,913 that were exported to the Americas. 424 00:19:58,914 --> 00:20:00,554 But what else do we...? 425 00:20:00,555 --> 00:20:01,793 Help me with mustard. 426 00:20:01,794 --> 00:20:04,634 You can spread it on your hands if you're trying to give up smoking. 427 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,993 Yes, apparently a friend of mine did that, to try and, you know, 428 00:20:09,994 --> 00:20:11,694 give up smoking. Did it work? 429 00:20:11,695 --> 00:20:13,494 Um... No. 430 00:20:15,284 --> 00:20:17,613 Gas, lethal gas. 431 00:20:17,614 --> 00:20:19,723 Yes, mustard gas. 432 00:20:19,724 --> 00:20:22,123 What was mustard gas? Did it have mustard in it? 433 00:20:22,124 --> 00:20:23,883 It stank, poisonous. 434 00:20:23,884 --> 00:20:25,694 It didn't actually contain mustard. 435 00:20:25,695 --> 00:20:29,564 Nothing to do with mustard, called it only because of the colour of it. 436 00:20:29,565 --> 00:20:31,723 Well, the colour and the smell. And the smell of it. 437 00:20:31,724 --> 00:20:33,243 Sulphur mustard, it was called. 438 00:20:33,244 --> 00:20:36,363 And rather like too much mustard, it could cause blistering. 439 00:20:36,364 --> 00:20:37,913 And there were mustard baths. 440 00:20:37,914 --> 00:20:39,123 A bath of mustard? 441 00:20:39,124 --> 00:20:40,684 Is that a Comic Relief thing? 442 00:20:40,685 --> 00:20:43,393 No, you'd think it was. 443 00:20:43,394 --> 00:20:45,323 But, funnily enough, 444 00:20:45,324 --> 00:20:48,243 we British have mustard baths all the time, didn't you know that? 445 00:20:48,244 --> 00:20:49,513 No? No. 446 00:20:49,514 --> 00:20:52,843 According to the National Museum of Mustard, 447 00:20:52,844 --> 00:20:55,113 which is in Middleton, Wisconsin. 448 00:20:55,114 --> 00:20:57,113 I was going to say, it's got to be in America. 449 00:20:57,114 --> 00:20:58,273 Yeah. Yeah. 450 00:20:58,274 --> 00:21:00,523 They have a National Museum of Mustard and I... 451 00:21:00,524 --> 00:21:01,763 Just be careful, 452 00:21:01,764 --> 00:21:04,893 because Norwich has a very famous mustard museum, as well. Uh-oh. 453 00:21:04,894 --> 00:21:07,434 Mr Coleman? Coleman's, exactly. 454 00:21:07,435 --> 00:21:09,283 This museum in Middleton, Wisconsin, 455 00:21:09,284 --> 00:21:12,523 it asserts that "bathing in mustard is an English custom 456 00:21:12,524 --> 00:21:14,414 "to this very day." 457 00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:19,993 There you are, that's what they think. 458 00:21:19,994 --> 00:21:23,713 That's right, over in England, at night they... 459 00:21:23,714 --> 00:21:27,685 Everyone in England asks their butler to draw them a mustard bath. 460 00:21:29,874 --> 00:21:32,434 And you spoke of Coleman's of Norwich... 461 00:21:32,435 --> 00:21:34,684 Norwich... the great mustard company of Norwich. 462 00:21:34,685 --> 00:21:37,873 They provided quite a lot of mustard for Robert Falcon Scott 463 00:21:37,874 --> 00:21:40,763 and his Discovery Expedition. To the South Pole. 464 00:21:40,764 --> 00:21:44,203 As you can see there, he has pots of Coleman's Mustard. 465 00:21:44,204 --> 00:21:46,523 That's a genuine real photograph... Yes, of course. 466 00:21:46,524 --> 00:21:49,413 ..not in the least bit touched-up. 467 00:21:49,414 --> 00:21:53,243 How much did Coleman's, of Norwich, give... 468 00:21:53,244 --> 00:21:56,243 to Captain Scott's team in the 1901-02...? 469 00:21:56,244 --> 00:21:58,133 Two enormous barrels of mustard. 470 00:21:58,134 --> 00:22:01,203 Actually, they gave them one and a half tonnes... Tiny jar? 471 00:22:01,204 --> 00:22:03,803 One and a half tonnes?! ..of mustard. 472 00:22:03,804 --> 00:22:05,694 Tonnes of mustard. 473 00:22:05,695 --> 00:22:06,923 Excellent. 474 00:22:06,924 --> 00:22:09,323 That's enough for a lot of baths, as well as a lot of food. 475 00:22:09,324 --> 00:22:11,283 Now, from counting worms 476 00:22:11,284 --> 00:22:13,153 to monkeys that count. 477 00:22:13,154 --> 00:22:16,154 What job can even a monkey do? 478 00:22:17,714 --> 00:22:19,603 Yes, Jo? 479 00:22:19,604 --> 00:22:21,714 Is it quantity surveying? 480 00:22:25,124 --> 00:22:28,283 They might be able to. Apologies to all quantity surveyors watching. 481 00:22:28,284 --> 00:22:30,763 That includes my brother. Is your brother...? Oh, is he? 482 00:22:30,764 --> 00:22:33,694 He is a quantity surveyor, yes. Does he survey quantities all day? 483 00:22:33,695 --> 00:22:36,523 Yeah, sadly for him. Do you get tired of surveying quantities? 484 00:22:36,524 --> 00:22:39,413 I mean, how many quantities can you survey in one day? 485 00:22:39,414 --> 00:22:43,353 He can survey 47 quantities in a day. 47 quantities? 486 00:22:43,354 --> 00:22:44,853 That's a lot of quantities. 487 00:22:44,854 --> 00:22:48,843 Wow. Well, no, I don't think monkeys can survey quantities. 488 00:22:48,844 --> 00:22:50,434 They can count. Yes. 489 00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:53,083 The person who counts how many people are on the plane 490 00:22:53,084 --> 00:22:55,134 before you take off, that could be a monkey. 491 00:22:56,854 --> 00:22:59,404 That would instil us all with confidence, wouldn't it? 492 00:23:00,685 --> 00:23:01,963 Just before takeoff, 493 00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:05,914 a small primate comes down the aisle with a clicker. 494 00:23:08,514 --> 00:23:11,403 And he also does the duty-frees because no-one ever buys anything. 495 00:23:11,404 --> 00:23:12,873 Yes. 496 00:23:12,874 --> 00:23:15,123 In Thailand, there is a school. 497 00:23:15,124 --> 00:23:16,763 A monkey school? Yep. 498 00:23:16,764 --> 00:23:18,923 They have between three and six months of training - 499 00:23:18,924 --> 00:23:21,483 the pig-tailed macaques - 500 00:23:21,484 --> 00:23:25,593 and they end up working on a plantation, 501 00:23:25,594 --> 00:23:27,243 where they can pick 502 00:23:27,244 --> 00:23:30,803 between 800 and 1,000 whats a day? 503 00:23:30,804 --> 00:23:34,053 Bananas. Not bananas cos they'd eat those, wouldn't they? They would. 504 00:23:34,054 --> 00:23:35,444 Coconuts. Coconuts! 505 00:23:35,445 --> 00:23:38,603 Between 800 and 1,000 coconuts a day, they can pick. 506 00:23:38,604 --> 00:23:39,883 There they are. 507 00:23:39,884 --> 00:23:41,333 But it's very useful. 508 00:23:41,334 --> 00:23:43,403 So, a lot more than a human could, probably. 509 00:23:43,404 --> 00:23:45,163 But they do they count them, as well? 510 00:23:45,164 --> 00:23:47,803 Well, I don't... Those don't, no. 511 00:23:47,804 --> 00:23:49,004 Clicker in one hand. 512 00:23:51,364 --> 00:23:53,773 In the US, they use capuchin monkeys 513 00:23:53,774 --> 00:23:56,333 for a charity called Helping Hands, 514 00:23:56,334 --> 00:23:58,324 which assists people with disabilities, 515 00:23:58,325 --> 00:23:59,643 and they help with feeding, 516 00:23:59,644 --> 00:24:01,444 retrieving dropped items, 517 00:24:01,445 --> 00:24:03,043 changing compact discs, 518 00:24:03,044 --> 00:24:05,643 turning lights on and off. Wow. 519 00:24:05,644 --> 00:24:08,053 And in Tokyo, there's a tavern where... 520 00:24:08,054 --> 00:24:10,053 A traditional sake house, 521 00:24:10,054 --> 00:24:11,963 where macaques are employed 522 00:24:11,964 --> 00:24:14,533 to bring customers hot towels. 523 00:24:14,534 --> 00:24:17,584 I don't want a hot towel off that fella, I'll tell you that. 524 00:24:19,494 --> 00:24:20,933 That is horrible. 525 00:24:20,934 --> 00:24:23,083 Imagine that at the end of your bed at night. 526 00:24:23,084 --> 00:24:24,963 Oh, God! 527 00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,695 "Hot towel, sir?" Oh, fuck off! 528 00:24:28,404 --> 00:24:31,773 The late, great Rik Mayall had a joke that he always told if you ever 529 00:24:31,774 --> 00:24:35,053 went to a Japanese restaurant, sushi house or something, like that, 530 00:24:35,054 --> 00:24:36,704 and he'd go, "Waiter!" 531 00:24:36,705 --> 00:24:40,773 "Bring me several types of Japanese wine, and don't get all sake!" 532 00:24:40,774 --> 00:24:43,213 Yay! 533 00:24:43,214 --> 00:24:45,444 Couldn't help saying it every time. 534 00:24:45,445 --> 00:24:46,683 It somehow... 535 00:24:46,684 --> 00:24:48,723 From him, it was funny. 536 00:24:48,724 --> 00:24:51,574 Now, from smart monkeys to smart aleck kids. 537 00:24:51,575 --> 00:24:55,153 Which of these would an ancient Mexican use 538 00:24:55,154 --> 00:24:57,314 to teach children manners? 539 00:24:57,315 --> 00:24:58,803 You've got chocolate, 540 00:24:58,804 --> 00:25:00,233 chilli... 541 00:25:00,234 --> 00:25:03,273 The monkey with a baseball bat seems pretty effective. 542 00:25:03,274 --> 00:25:05,873 You've got to say "please" or you get the monkey with the bat. 543 00:25:05,874 --> 00:25:08,593 I, personally, would use a cactus. 544 00:25:08,594 --> 00:25:10,153 Yeah. What would you do with it? 545 00:25:10,154 --> 00:25:11,664 Throw the child at it. 546 00:25:13,294 --> 00:25:16,893 Then you are pretty much on a par with those ancient Mexicans. 547 00:25:16,894 --> 00:25:18,093 Oh, am I? 548 00:25:18,094 --> 00:25:20,243 Yeah. The Aztec or the... 549 00:25:20,244 --> 00:25:22,014 ..Mexica. 550 00:25:23,494 --> 00:25:25,423 The Mexica, as they were called... Yeah. 551 00:25:25,424 --> 00:25:27,283 ..from which, we get our word Mexico, 552 00:25:27,284 --> 00:25:30,283 did have a firm, but fair, way of treating their children. 553 00:25:30,284 --> 00:25:31,574 That means "very cruel". 554 00:25:31,575 --> 00:25:33,093 Yeah, I know. 555 00:25:33,094 --> 00:25:35,678 And the Codex Mendoza was written by someone 556 00:25:35,679 --> 00:25:38,004 observing the practices of the Aztecs, 557 00:25:38,005 --> 00:25:40,074 and this is what he found. 558 00:25:40,075 --> 00:25:44,514 Basically, they were taught to be humble, hard-working and polite, 559 00:25:44,515 --> 00:25:45,994 just like British... 560 00:25:45,995 --> 00:25:48,565 Oh, no, what am I talking about? 561 00:25:48,566 --> 00:25:50,315 So this is how it went. 562 00:25:50,316 --> 00:25:52,224 It begins with an eight-year-old boy 563 00:25:52,225 --> 00:25:54,994 being threatened with the spines of a cactus. Wow. 564 00:25:54,995 --> 00:25:57,504 The following year, he's stripped, bound and pierced 565 00:25:57,505 --> 00:25:59,924 in his neck, side and thigh. 566 00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:03,204 Next year, he's bound and beaten with a pine stick. 567 00:26:03,205 --> 00:26:05,874 The year after that, aged 11, his father holds his son, 568 00:26:05,875 --> 00:26:10,594 bound and weeping over a fire of burning chillies - 569 00:26:10,595 --> 00:26:12,074 as you can see, top right, there. 570 00:26:12,075 --> 00:26:14,675 All practices carried on in English boarding schools. Yes. 571 00:26:16,005 --> 00:26:18,435 Finally, a stroppy 12-year-old is bound and dumped 572 00:26:18,436 --> 00:26:20,924 in a damp vegetable patch for a day 573 00:26:20,925 --> 00:26:22,664 to reflect on his conduct. 574 00:26:22,665 --> 00:26:26,154 By the time he's 13, he's dutifully gathering reeds, as you can see. 575 00:26:26,155 --> 00:26:27,955 Yeah, bearing a terrible grudge. 576 00:26:29,635 --> 00:26:31,714 Which he will take out on HIS child. Yes. 577 00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:33,435 Unfortunately, that's the way it works. 578 00:26:33,436 --> 00:26:36,435 So, it's a sort of a meme of cruelty. It is, yeah. 579 00:26:36,436 --> 00:26:39,154 But the Huichol Mexicans - and you'll like this, I think, Jo - 580 00:26:39,155 --> 00:26:41,194 they had an interesting practice, 581 00:26:41,195 --> 00:26:43,315 which was, when a woman was pregnant, 582 00:26:43,316 --> 00:26:44,794 she would lie, and, 583 00:26:44,795 --> 00:26:46,315 in the room above, 584 00:26:46,316 --> 00:26:48,274 her husband would lie, 585 00:26:48,275 --> 00:26:49,954 and he would have strings 586 00:26:49,955 --> 00:26:51,994 attached to his testicles, 587 00:26:51,995 --> 00:26:53,884 which would drop down into the room below - 588 00:26:53,885 --> 00:26:55,234 where his wife was pregnant. 589 00:26:55,235 --> 00:26:56,644 I'm loving this so far. 590 00:26:56,645 --> 00:26:57,804 She would have... 591 00:26:57,805 --> 00:27:00,804 She would hold the strings and, when she had a contraction, 592 00:27:00,805 --> 00:27:02,934 she would pull... 593 00:27:02,935 --> 00:27:05,205 ..so that he was forced to share her pain... 594 00:27:07,446 --> 00:27:10,394 He, cunningly, slipped the string off, tied it onto the... 595 00:27:10,395 --> 00:27:12,725 boards of the bed and went to the pub. 596 00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:16,134 Tied it to the dog. 597 00:27:16,135 --> 00:27:17,955 "Tied it to the dog"! 598 00:27:19,365 --> 00:27:20,794 Or his 12-year-old son. 599 00:27:20,795 --> 00:27:22,714 "Argh!" 600 00:27:22,715 --> 00:27:24,565 It's possible. 601 00:27:24,566 --> 00:27:26,435 Oh, we're... Sorry, go on. No, carry on. 602 00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:27,844 No, I was going to say a terrible 603 00:27:27,845 --> 00:27:30,764 and very embarrassing story about testicles, but you carry on. 604 00:27:30,765 --> 00:27:32,834 Oh, I want your testicle story. All right, then. 605 00:27:32,835 --> 00:27:34,764 Well, we had this dog, and it got into the bed 606 00:27:34,765 --> 00:27:36,514 and it started to lick... 607 00:27:36,515 --> 00:27:38,315 the wrong set of testicles. 608 00:27:38,316 --> 00:27:42,804 That's all I'm saying. 609 00:27:42,805 --> 00:27:44,644 Surely everybody wins? 610 00:27:44,645 --> 00:27:47,524 Everyone's a winner. 611 00:27:47,525 --> 00:27:48,874 Not everyone, Stephen. 612 00:27:48,875 --> 00:27:50,685 I haven't been back. 613 00:27:58,645 --> 00:28:01,034 Yeah, the Mexica people of Mexico 614 00:28:01,035 --> 00:28:04,364 used a very hands-on variety of tough love. 615 00:28:04,365 --> 00:28:08,025 And speaking of hands, what's this man doing with his other hand? 616 00:28:09,525 --> 00:28:12,004 Oh, Lord! It's M, it's M... 617 00:28:12,005 --> 00:28:13,944 It begins with M. It begins with M. 618 00:28:13,945 --> 00:28:15,664 He could be doing anything, Stephen. 619 00:28:15,665 --> 00:28:17,244 Is it something beginning with M? 620 00:28:17,245 --> 00:28:19,764 If that was me, it would be me trying to work out how the... 621 00:28:19,765 --> 00:28:21,964 Scratching? ..bloody thing works with a printer. 622 00:28:21,965 --> 00:28:24,284 Well, it does begin with M. Massaging something? 623 00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:27,325 If I tell you that he's a professor. He's got a massive mouse on his leg. 624 00:28:27,326 --> 00:28:30,154 Milking, mousing. "Massive mouse." 625 00:28:30,155 --> 00:28:32,754 You're right to think of an animal, cos he's a scientist - 626 00:28:32,755 --> 00:28:35,284 a professor at the University of Kentucky. 627 00:28:35,285 --> 00:28:38,005 Has he got his finger stuck in a moose? 628 00:28:41,205 --> 00:28:43,714 He's a Mexican, he's a Mexican man, 629 00:28:43,715 --> 00:28:46,755 and he's pressing a child against a cactus under the desk. 630 00:28:48,355 --> 00:28:49,674 He's a cruel man. 631 00:28:49,675 --> 00:28:51,364 He is Professor Grayson Brown, 632 00:28:51,365 --> 00:28:54,954 and he's an entomologist of a particular kind. 633 00:28:54,955 --> 00:28:57,315 A culicidologist, if that makes any sense to you. 634 00:28:57,316 --> 00:28:59,634 Molluscs? Not molluscs. 635 00:28:59,635 --> 00:29:01,274 Oh. An entomologist. Mosquitoes. 636 00:29:01,275 --> 00:29:03,075 Mosquitoes is the right answer. 637 00:29:05,566 --> 00:29:07,884 Wow! On fire. 638 00:29:07,885 --> 00:29:09,364 Sorry. 639 00:29:09,365 --> 00:29:10,575 That's brilliant. 640 00:29:10,576 --> 00:29:12,884 He's very serious in his study of mosquitoes, 641 00:29:12,885 --> 00:29:15,435 and he was allowing 1,000 mosquitoes - 642 00:29:15,436 --> 00:29:16,674 as he does every morning, 643 00:29:16,675 --> 00:29:18,754 while he carries on doing his e-mails - 644 00:29:18,755 --> 00:29:21,315 to feast on his arm. 645 00:29:21,316 --> 00:29:24,604 His body is so used to it they no longer leave a mark, apparently. 646 00:29:24,605 --> 00:29:25,954 It's most bizarre. 647 00:29:25,955 --> 00:29:28,524 Asian mosquitoes are very picky, 648 00:29:28,525 --> 00:29:31,004 they only, ONLY, feast on humans... 649 00:29:31,005 --> 00:29:33,514 They won't eat the blood of any other animal. 650 00:29:33,515 --> 00:29:35,445 ..and, in order to keep them happy, 651 00:29:35,446 --> 00:29:37,315 obviously they need a big supply of blood. 652 00:29:37,316 --> 00:29:38,844 So, he and his fellow workers... 653 00:29:38,845 --> 00:29:41,284 And some animals, it has to be said, in his lab, 654 00:29:41,285 --> 00:29:44,954 also supply the blood for other breeds of mosquito - 655 00:29:44,955 --> 00:29:48,244 but, for the Asian ones, it's just humans. 656 00:29:48,245 --> 00:29:51,164 And, of course, they have to keep them breeding. 657 00:29:51,165 --> 00:29:53,604 Now, they're odd, these Asian mosquitoes, 658 00:29:53,605 --> 00:29:54,884 cos they're really a bit lazy. 659 00:29:54,885 --> 00:29:56,954 I suppose they produce so many thousands... 660 00:29:56,955 --> 00:29:58,364 What's he trying to find out? 661 00:29:58,365 --> 00:30:00,794 I mean, what is there left to know about these creatures? 662 00:30:00,795 --> 00:30:03,674 Well, given how many millions of people they kill every year, 663 00:30:03,675 --> 00:30:05,854 it's kind of... You can't know enough. 664 00:30:05,855 --> 00:30:07,954 Cos they kill more, as you know, than wars. 665 00:30:07,955 --> 00:30:10,524 But in order to get them to mate, to force-mate them. 666 00:30:10,525 --> 00:30:12,885 Play some Barry White, give them some wine. 667 00:30:14,215 --> 00:30:16,204 Well, that's what I thought, but in this case, 668 00:30:16,205 --> 00:30:18,445 they decapitate the male... Oh, that's different. 669 00:30:18,446 --> 00:30:20,325 No, no, that wouldn't work. Good so far. 670 00:30:20,326 --> 00:30:23,164 ..they anaesthetise the female. 671 00:30:23,165 --> 00:30:25,684 They then insert the male's genitals 672 00:30:25,685 --> 00:30:28,315 into his unconscious partner. 673 00:30:28,316 --> 00:30:30,234 Despite the lack of the male's head, 674 00:30:30,235 --> 00:30:32,524 and the lack of the female's consciousness, 675 00:30:32,525 --> 00:30:34,044 the insects lock together, 676 00:30:34,045 --> 00:30:35,594 sperm is transferred, 677 00:30:35,595 --> 00:30:37,394 and the female becomes pregnant. 678 00:30:37,395 --> 00:30:39,724 Does that happen with humans? 679 00:30:39,725 --> 00:30:41,954 Yes? Well, if you've had enough Jagermeister, 680 00:30:41,955 --> 00:30:44,594 I suppose it will, yeah. 681 00:30:44,595 --> 00:30:47,754 And a skilled entomologist can do this without a microscope. 682 00:30:47,755 --> 00:30:49,724 That's nothing to brag about, though, is it? 683 00:30:49,725 --> 00:30:51,604 No, it probably isn't! 684 00:30:51,605 --> 00:30:54,045 "Oh, I can make mosquitoes bang without a microscope." 685 00:30:55,245 --> 00:30:58,684 We had a pair of preying mantis once in the kitchen, 686 00:30:58,685 --> 00:31:01,474 In a... You know, in the tank, obviously. 687 00:31:01,475 --> 00:31:04,104 And I came home one night and the male praying mantis 688 00:31:04,105 --> 00:31:05,445 was on the kitchen floor 689 00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,514 walking across, like, towards the door. 690 00:31:07,515 --> 00:31:10,164 And I went, "Oh, no, he's got out of the t... Oh, what a shame." 691 00:31:10,165 --> 00:31:11,604 And I carefully scooped him up, 692 00:31:11,605 --> 00:31:13,684 and I placed him back in the tank, very gently, 693 00:31:13,685 --> 00:31:15,955 and the female pounced and bit his head off and... 694 00:31:17,456 --> 00:31:19,364 ..he was clearly making a break for it. 695 00:31:19,365 --> 00:31:22,565 Oh, because they do. The whole time, "No, don't put me back there. Oh." 696 00:31:22,566 --> 00:31:24,724 The females do eat the males, don't they? Yes, they do. 697 00:31:24,725 --> 00:31:27,594 So, they must have just mated. They must have just... And he was off. 698 00:31:27,595 --> 00:31:28,824 Yeah. Oh, dear, oh, dear. 699 00:31:28,825 --> 00:31:31,874 Now, then, what's the world's oldest complaint? 700 00:31:31,875 --> 00:31:33,525 "I'm dying." 701 00:31:36,446 --> 00:31:37,524 Er... 702 00:31:37,525 --> 00:31:39,654 We're after the first recorded complaint. Oh. 703 00:31:39,655 --> 00:31:40,964 A medical complaint? 704 00:31:40,965 --> 00:31:42,964 Not a medical complaint, actually. Oh, right. 705 00:31:42,965 --> 00:31:44,604 Complaint as in a moan, as in a... 706 00:31:44,605 --> 00:31:46,124 Oh, I see, so the... 707 00:31:46,125 --> 00:31:48,954 Where were the earliest pieces of writing that we have? 708 00:31:48,955 --> 00:31:50,394 In hieroglyphs? 709 00:31:50,395 --> 00:31:53,394 Not hieroglyphs, actually - they're made with reeds... 710 00:31:53,395 --> 00:31:55,893 poked into wet clay onto tablets, 711 00:31:55,894 --> 00:31:58,633 so the edge of the reed is like a wedge shape, 712 00:31:58,634 --> 00:32:02,524 and Latin for "wedge," cuneus... 713 00:32:02,525 --> 00:32:04,174 Cuneiform? 714 00:32:04,175 --> 00:32:06,294 Cuneiform, yes. Oh, right. 715 00:32:06,295 --> 00:32:08,445 Which was where - where did they do that? 716 00:32:08,446 --> 00:32:09,474 It's... Babylon. 717 00:32:09,475 --> 00:32:12,244 Babylon, yeah, Mesopotamia. Mesopotamia! 718 00:32:12,245 --> 00:32:13,524 Mesopotamia! 719 00:32:13,525 --> 00:32:14,764 Knew it'd come up! 720 00:32:14,765 --> 00:32:17,114 Keep saying it. 721 00:32:17,115 --> 00:32:19,094 "Keep saying it, it'll be right in a minute." 722 00:32:19,095 --> 00:32:22,195 And they have an enormous number of these in the British Museum, 723 00:32:22,196 --> 00:32:24,114 a fantastic collection. Stolen! 724 00:32:24,115 --> 00:32:25,195 Well... 725 00:32:25,196 --> 00:32:26,674 Sorry - saved. 726 00:32:26,675 --> 00:32:28,724 Saved! Salvaged. 727 00:32:28,725 --> 00:32:32,044 What, so it's a complaint, you're saying? It's a complaint. 728 00:32:32,045 --> 00:32:35,394 It's from a merchant, and it's nearly 4,000 years old. 729 00:32:35,395 --> 00:32:38,445 It's an ancient Babylonian copper merchant. 730 00:32:38,446 --> 00:32:39,814 He's called Nanni. 731 00:32:39,815 --> 00:32:42,684 He's complaining to a supplier called Ea-nasir 732 00:32:42,685 --> 00:32:46,234 that he's received a shipment of copper ore which was late, 733 00:32:46,235 --> 00:32:49,394 and it was damaged and of an inferior grade. 734 00:32:49,395 --> 00:32:53,244 "You have put ingots which were not good enough before my messenger, 735 00:32:53,245 --> 00:32:55,754 "and said, 'If you want to take them, take them. 736 00:32:55,755 --> 00:32:57,514 "'If you do not want to take them, go away.' 737 00:32:57,515 --> 00:32:58,674 "What do you take me for, 738 00:32:58,675 --> 00:33:00,954 "that you treat me with such contempt? 739 00:33:00,955 --> 00:33:02,964 "You alone treat my messenger with contempt. 740 00:33:02,965 --> 00:33:06,834 "You have withheld my money bag from me in enemy territory. 741 00:33:06,835 --> 00:33:10,164 "It's now up to you to restore my money to me in full." 742 00:33:10,165 --> 00:33:12,394 I was thinking that earlier and I should have said it. 743 00:33:12,395 --> 00:33:14,734 You...! 744 00:33:14,735 --> 00:33:17,325 Would there be a series of these complaints going back and forth? 745 00:33:17,326 --> 00:33:19,205 We don't have... 746 00:33:19,206 --> 00:33:21,965 "I refer you to the tablet of the 14th." 747 00:33:23,206 --> 00:33:25,446 "I still have not received redress on the copper." 748 00:33:26,535 --> 00:33:29,404 On and on, like, piles and piles of these things. 749 00:33:29,405 --> 00:33:32,485 "Stick your ingots where the sun don't shine." 750 00:33:33,555 --> 00:33:37,034 "I will be speaking to you now through my lawyers." 751 00:33:37,035 --> 00:33:40,244 I mean, the things that survived most in terms of writing 752 00:33:40,245 --> 00:33:43,164 are nearly always things to do with money and trade. Mmm. 753 00:33:43,165 --> 00:33:44,914 Cos that's what people cared about most, 754 00:33:44,915 --> 00:33:46,924 and that's how writing seemed to develop. 755 00:33:46,925 --> 00:33:50,374 So, the world's first complaint was composed on a tablet. 756 00:33:50,375 --> 00:33:51,884 But now it's time to move on 757 00:33:51,885 --> 00:33:54,804 to the low-hanging fruit of General Ignorance. 758 00:33:54,805 --> 00:33:57,182 What kind of animal is a musk ox? 759 00:33:58,165 --> 00:33:59,205 Is it an ox? 760 00:33:59,206 --> 00:34:01,554 Oh! 761 00:34:01,555 --> 00:34:03,329 How could you think such a thing? 762 00:34:04,765 --> 00:34:06,805 What kind of animal is a musk ox? Musk. 763 00:34:08,085 --> 00:34:09,164 Not a musk. 764 00:34:09,165 --> 00:34:10,316 That's... 765 00:34:11,965 --> 00:34:14,164 You did say musk! Is it a deer? 766 00:34:14,165 --> 00:34:15,754 Is it a banana, Stephen? 767 00:34:15,755 --> 00:34:17,674 Not a banana! 768 00:34:17,675 --> 00:34:19,394 Have a look at one. Have a look at one? 769 00:34:19,395 --> 00:34:22,244 Yeah, have a look at some musk oxen. Cow. Bison. 770 00:34:22,245 --> 00:34:24,554 Not a bison, no. Is it a sheep? 771 00:34:24,555 --> 00:34:25,754 A snake? 772 00:34:25,755 --> 00:34:27,604 Sheep is the right answer-ish. 773 00:34:27,605 --> 00:34:29,674 A goat? 774 00:34:29,675 --> 00:34:31,165 A goat! 775 00:34:32,525 --> 00:34:34,404 It's a goat, well done. 776 00:34:34,405 --> 00:34:37,234 It's a goat. Got its horns right down the side, low down - 777 00:34:37,235 --> 00:34:39,325 that's very difficult for rutting, isn't it? 778 00:34:39,326 --> 00:34:41,325 Got to go up next to someone and hook them. 779 00:34:41,326 --> 00:34:44,205 And they have enormous coats of fur. 780 00:34:44,206 --> 00:34:46,316 Thought you might have said something else there. 781 00:34:47,365 --> 00:34:49,754 Really huge, and they are very... 782 00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:51,674 very good at surviving cold temperatures. 783 00:34:51,675 --> 00:34:54,764 So good that they survived the cold temperature 784 00:34:54,765 --> 00:34:57,004 that many of their fellow animals at the time didn't - 785 00:34:57,005 --> 00:34:58,794 the sabre-toothed tiger, for example. 786 00:34:58,795 --> 00:35:00,325 Ice age! 787 00:35:00,326 --> 00:35:02,884 The ice age - they survived the ice age. 788 00:35:02,885 --> 00:35:05,834 And they're a hardy, hardy beast. 789 00:35:05,835 --> 00:35:09,578 They have this wonderful butting contest where they butt heads. 790 00:35:09,579 --> 00:35:13,661 Males, don't they - they have these tremendous battles, male... 791 00:35:13,662 --> 00:35:15,871 Man on man... Mano a mano. 792 00:35:15,872 --> 00:35:18,901 "Mano a mano" means "hand to hand." Yeah. 793 00:35:18,902 --> 00:35:20,952 OK, what's the head, then? 794 00:35:22,992 --> 00:35:24,991 Well, yeah, despite its name, 795 00:35:24,992 --> 00:35:27,312 the musk ox is a member of the goat family. 796 00:35:27,313 --> 00:35:30,141 What do magpies like to steal? 797 00:35:30,142 --> 00:35:32,102 Shiny things. 798 00:35:34,712 --> 00:35:35,741 Everyone knows that! 799 00:35:35,742 --> 00:35:38,531 Oh, Alany, Alany, Alany-walany, Alany-walany-woo. Come on! 800 00:35:38,532 --> 00:35:41,141 No. We think they do, but they don't. Oh. 801 00:35:41,142 --> 00:35:44,141 We've done tests. Well, WE haven't, people have. Have you? 802 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:47,341 Out of 64 of them, magpies picked up a shiny object only twice, 803 00:35:47,342 --> 00:35:49,091 and then immediately dropped it. 804 00:35:49,092 --> 00:35:51,221 They're not interested in shiny things. 805 00:35:51,222 --> 00:35:54,351 Like all animals, they're interested in things that look like food or... 806 00:35:54,352 --> 00:35:56,891 that they can shag. 807 00:35:56,892 --> 00:35:59,581 The... It's folklore surrounding them, seems to be just that - 808 00:35:59,582 --> 00:36:01,151 folklore, anecdotes. 809 00:36:01,152 --> 00:36:03,575 But the Italian for magpie... 810 00:36:04,602 --> 00:36:06,071 ..Ieads to an interesting thing. 811 00:36:06,072 --> 00:36:07,622 Magpie-o. 812 00:36:09,382 --> 00:36:10,461 Awfully nice thought. 813 00:36:10,462 --> 00:36:13,182 Do you know the Rossini opera, The Thieving Magpie? 814 00:36:13,183 --> 00:36:14,821 Called "La Gazza Ladra." 815 00:36:14,822 --> 00:36:17,361 "Gazza" is a magpie, 816 00:36:17,362 --> 00:36:20,901 and a little magpie, "gazzetta." 817 00:36:20,902 --> 00:36:23,151 Oh, it's the newspaper. Called the "gazzetta". 818 00:36:23,152 --> 00:36:24,861 A newspaper - gazette. 819 00:36:24,862 --> 00:36:26,432 And that's it, the gossipy chatter, 820 00:36:26,433 --> 00:36:28,381 Iike a magpie. Ah! 821 00:36:28,382 --> 00:36:30,391 That's where we get that word, "gazette". 822 00:36:30,392 --> 00:36:33,901 I like... I quite like that one. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Yeah, certainly. 823 00:36:33,902 --> 00:36:37,261 Also, if I were to say that the magpie's real name is a pie, 824 00:36:37,262 --> 00:36:38,711 it's a pie. 825 00:36:38,712 --> 00:36:41,261 Then where does the "mag" come from? 826 00:36:41,262 --> 00:36:43,351 Margaret. Yeah. 827 00:36:43,352 --> 00:36:44,712 Margaret. Was it? Yeah. 828 00:36:48,582 --> 00:36:52,511 Where did that come from? 829 00:36:52,512 --> 00:36:54,351 "Margaret Pie." 830 00:36:54,352 --> 00:36:57,941 In medieval England, it was common to give birds a Christian name, 831 00:36:57,942 --> 00:37:02,231 sometimes, and the ones that have survived have included magpie. 832 00:37:02,232 --> 00:37:04,231 Which other ones can you...? Robin. Robin. 833 00:37:04,232 --> 00:37:06,021 Robin redbreast. Robin redbreast. 834 00:37:06,022 --> 00:37:08,791 Robin's the only one where the first name is the one that's kept... 835 00:37:08,792 --> 00:37:11,031 Dave Starling. Sorry? 836 00:37:11,032 --> 00:37:13,173 Joseph Starling? No, big Dave Starling. 837 00:37:14,612 --> 00:37:16,371 Joseph would have been funny. 838 00:37:16,372 --> 00:37:18,811 Joseph Starling is good, yeah. I like that. I prefer that. 839 00:37:18,812 --> 00:37:21,701 Not as funny as Dave, but it's better. Yeah. 840 00:37:21,702 --> 00:37:22,731 Tomtit. 841 00:37:22,732 --> 00:37:23,941 Jenny Wren. Tomtit, yeah. 842 00:37:23,942 --> 00:37:26,021 Charlie Crow. 843 00:37:26,022 --> 00:37:28,811 Jackdaw. Jackdaw. Oh, jackdaw. Yeah, yeah. 844 00:37:28,812 --> 00:37:31,332 So there are a few of them. Christopher Chaffinch. 845 00:37:35,102 --> 00:37:38,061 We had an injured bird in the garden yesterday... Oh. 846 00:37:38,062 --> 00:37:40,581 ..and it looked like a magpie, and it couldn't take off, 847 00:37:40,582 --> 00:37:43,151 and I was watching it for ages. I didn't know what to do with it, 848 00:37:43,152 --> 00:37:45,102 so I opened the back gate and shooed it out. 849 00:37:47,072 --> 00:37:50,302 Oh, dear. What do you think it was, then? What make? "The back gate." 850 00:37:50,303 --> 00:37:53,432 I think it was a young crow... Yeah. 851 00:37:53,433 --> 00:37:56,821 ..that was having a bit of trouble with flight, 852 00:37:56,822 --> 00:37:58,741 because it flew into a bush... Oh, dear. 853 00:37:58,742 --> 00:38:00,173 ..and I presume it's dead by now. 854 00:38:01,892 --> 00:38:04,972 That's it, you...? And that's the end of tonight's Springwatch. Yes. 855 00:38:13,232 --> 00:38:15,151 What could you have done with it? 856 00:38:15,152 --> 00:38:17,981 I don't know, what are you going to do with a bird? Shoot it, shoot it. 857 00:38:17,982 --> 00:38:19,621 Take it out. Shoot the... 858 00:38:19,622 --> 00:38:22,391 Sniper's rifle, through the brain. I could have gone after it, 859 00:38:22,392 --> 00:38:24,551 because it was in the garden and couldn't get out. 860 00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:28,182 I could have easily got it with a tennis racket. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 861 00:38:28,183 --> 00:38:29,751 Just scoop it up with a tennis racket 862 00:38:29,752 --> 00:38:31,621 and hit it with a frying pan... 863 00:38:31,622 --> 00:38:33,951 ..and chuck it over the wall. That's what I'd do. 864 00:38:33,952 --> 00:38:36,621 And then its parents would have come and ate it, wouldn't they? 865 00:38:36,622 --> 00:38:39,591 Yeah, that's right. Let's face it, it is the wild. Yeah. Exactly, yes. 866 00:38:39,592 --> 00:38:40,752 Even if it is Hampstead. 867 00:38:42,342 --> 00:38:44,021 It's wild for them, though. 868 00:38:44,022 --> 00:38:45,872 They'd have had it in a coulis. 869 00:38:48,972 --> 00:38:51,422 A crow couscous. 870 00:38:51,423 --> 00:38:52,582 With some quinoa. 871 00:38:54,022 --> 00:38:55,821 I wonder what its name was. 872 00:38:55,822 --> 00:38:56,891 Clive, I expect. 873 00:38:56,892 --> 00:38:58,611 No, I think it was Vel. 874 00:38:58,612 --> 00:39:00,462 Vel? Vel-crow. "Velcro." 875 00:39:03,582 --> 00:39:06,751 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 876 00:39:06,752 --> 00:39:10,901 So, magpies aren't particularly interested in shiny objects. 877 00:39:10,902 --> 00:39:13,541 How many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh - 878 00:39:13,542 --> 00:39:15,911 or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go"... 879 00:39:15,912 --> 00:39:17,701 How many did he sell while he was alive? 880 00:39:17,702 --> 00:39:19,063 Don't say none. 881 00:39:20,512 --> 00:39:22,032 None! I'm going to say none. 882 00:39:24,672 --> 00:39:26,871 D'oh! D'oh! 883 00:39:26,872 --> 00:39:29,151 Really, I'm afraid... 884 00:39:29,152 --> 00:39:30,982 One. A few, maybe? 885 00:39:33,063 --> 00:39:34,511 "A few". 886 00:39:34,512 --> 00:39:37,231 It was lots. He sold hundreds of paintings. 887 00:39:37,232 --> 00:39:38,911 Hundreds?! Yeah, when he was 15, 888 00:39:38,912 --> 00:39:40,591 he used to work in an art gallery. 889 00:39:40,592 --> 00:39:42,501 Oh, shut up! 890 00:39:42,502 --> 00:39:43,831 It's true. 891 00:39:43,832 --> 00:39:46,182 I just asked you how many paintings... 892 00:39:46,183 --> 00:39:48,671 This is the closest I've come to walking out of this show! 893 00:39:48,672 --> 00:39:51,521 I'd like a recount on those two. 894 00:39:51,522 --> 00:39:53,261 It was a horribly mean question, 895 00:39:53,262 --> 00:39:55,621 but the fact is, he did sell hundreds, 896 00:39:55,622 --> 00:39:57,231 they just weren't his own. 897 00:39:57,232 --> 00:39:59,381 He was very good at selling them, too - 898 00:39:59,382 --> 00:40:02,302 he did extremely well, and it was a big French company, 899 00:40:02,303 --> 00:40:04,231 and his brother, Theo, 900 00:40:04,232 --> 00:40:06,381 ran the Montmartre branch, 901 00:40:06,382 --> 00:40:10,821 and Vincent relocated, after a while, to the London branch. 902 00:40:10,822 --> 00:40:13,302 And he spent two years in London, living in Brixton, 903 00:40:13,303 --> 00:40:16,231 and he called it the happiest time of his life. 904 00:40:16,232 --> 00:40:18,331 Yeah, he did really well, and he loved it. 905 00:40:18,332 --> 00:40:21,161 Good fun in Brixton. It's great. It was good fun, it's a good place. 906 00:40:21,162 --> 00:40:22,951 Brixton Village. Brixton Village. 907 00:40:22,952 --> 00:40:25,521 He would have gone and got some chicken from Chickenliquor, 908 00:40:25,522 --> 00:40:27,062 that's real nice. 909 00:40:27,063 --> 00:40:29,182 Yeah. Is that your manor? 910 00:40:29,183 --> 00:40:31,511 I used to live in Brixton and... 911 00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:34,062 Do you know what I nearly did then? I nearly called you "man," 912 00:40:34,063 --> 00:40:35,671 and then I stopped myself. Thank you. 913 00:40:35,672 --> 00:40:38,591 I just want you to appreciate that. I really do. Thank you. 914 00:40:38,592 --> 00:40:43,411 Anyway, perhaps the most surprising thing we'll all learn today... Yes. 915 00:40:43,412 --> 00:40:45,411 ..is that, after Brixton, 916 00:40:45,412 --> 00:40:48,591 he came back to the UK in 1876, 917 00:40:48,592 --> 00:40:50,221 and Vincent Van Gogh... 918 00:40:50,222 --> 00:40:51,461 worked... 919 00:40:51,462 --> 00:40:54,111 as a supply teacher in Ramsgate. 920 00:40:54,112 --> 00:40:56,391 Oh! Isn't that wonderful? 921 00:40:56,392 --> 00:40:59,421 Wow. That's a big surprise, isn't it? It is. It is, yeah. 922 00:40:59,422 --> 00:41:02,421 I wonder if the children remembered him for years afterwards... 923 00:41:02,422 --> 00:41:04,671 Mr Van Gogh?..as a flame-haired figure. Moody sod. 924 00:41:04,672 --> 00:41:07,341 Yeah. Yeah. Then he became a painter, supported financially, 925 00:41:07,342 --> 00:41:09,861 and, indeed, emotionally by his brother, Theo. 926 00:41:09,862 --> 00:41:12,781 He suffered from tinnitus, vertigo and, of course, depression, 927 00:41:12,782 --> 00:41:15,511 and he killed himself aged 37. 928 00:41:15,512 --> 00:41:18,421 Only one of his 900 paintings 929 00:41:18,422 --> 00:41:20,671 was sold in his lifetime. 930 00:41:20,672 --> 00:41:23,391 Sold to a remarkable woman called Anna Boch, 931 00:41:23,392 --> 00:41:24,981 who was, herself, a painter. One. 932 00:41:24,982 --> 00:41:26,741 You said one! I said one. You said one. 933 00:41:26,742 --> 00:41:29,412 I asked how many paintings, not how many of HIS OWN paintings. 934 00:41:30,762 --> 00:41:33,072 I know, I'm sorry, but, look, I did say... 935 00:41:33,073 --> 00:41:34,992 Chairman of the Pedantic Association. 936 00:41:36,782 --> 00:41:39,981 "It's actually the Society of Pedantics, but I'll let that go." 937 00:41:39,982 --> 00:41:42,631 Yes, exactly, in fact. 938 00:41:42,632 --> 00:41:45,072 Anna Boch paid 400 francs 939 00:41:45,073 --> 00:41:48,062 for a painting of his called The Red Vineyard, 940 00:41:48,063 --> 00:41:49,341 which is rather beautiful. 941 00:41:49,342 --> 00:41:52,261 About £1,000 today, that would be. 942 00:41:52,262 --> 00:41:54,391 Bet he had a big night that night. 943 00:41:54,392 --> 00:41:56,421 Well, it was only four months before his death, 944 00:41:56,422 --> 00:41:58,701 so it obviously didn't cheer him up enormously. 945 00:41:58,702 --> 00:42:02,231 Five out of the 30 most valuable paintings ever sold at auction 946 00:42:02,232 --> 00:42:03,312 are Van Goghs. 947 00:42:03,313 --> 00:42:06,341 Four of them raising over 100 million each. 948 00:42:06,342 --> 00:42:10,141 That, er... That was his life, a very unfortunate one in that sense. 949 00:42:10,142 --> 00:42:13,391 But his work lives on for ever, of course. 950 00:42:13,392 --> 00:42:15,962 And with that, the final whistle has blown and... 951 00:42:17,272 --> 00:42:19,312 ..the match has come to an end. 952 00:42:19,313 --> 00:42:22,951 It's actually a very extraordinary series of scores. 953 00:42:22,952 --> 00:42:24,261 Um... 954 00:42:24,262 --> 00:42:26,671 In first place, with plus eight - 955 00:42:26,672 --> 00:42:29,272 yes, she WAS on fire - Jo Brand! 956 00:42:34,392 --> 00:42:37,261 In second place... 957 00:42:37,262 --> 00:42:40,063 with minus seven, it's James. 958 00:42:42,872 --> 00:42:45,871 In third place... 959 00:42:45,872 --> 00:42:48,391 with minus 32, is Bill Bailey. 960 00:42:48,392 --> 00:42:52,141 Minus, how...? 961 00:42:52,142 --> 00:42:54,621 In fourth place... 962 00:42:54,622 --> 00:42:55,872 with minus 41, Alan Davies. 963 00:43:02,902 --> 00:43:05,341 So, all that remains for me 964 00:43:05,342 --> 00:43:07,231 is to pull up the corner flags, 965 00:43:07,232 --> 00:43:09,471 thank James, Bill, Jo and Alan, 966 00:43:09,472 --> 00:43:11,911 and to leave you with this classic piece of Ron Atkinson 967 00:43:11,912 --> 00:43:14,551 when asked about what made the perfect match. 968 00:43:14,552 --> 00:43:17,182 "Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's - 969 00:43:17,183 --> 00:43:19,621 "movement and positioning." 970 00:43:19,622 --> 00:43:20,912 Good night.