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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening,

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good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening...

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and welcome to QI -

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where, tonight,
we're mired in misconceptions

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and nothing is as it seems.

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Or is it? Or will they? Have they?

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I don't know.
LAUGHTER

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Do you? Maybe not.
I simply don't know.

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Or do I?
LAUGHTER

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Joining me tonight are...

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Sue Perkins.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..Chris Addison...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..Sara Cox...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..and Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, thank you.

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So, let's hear your buzzers.

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Sue goes...

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BUZZER

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Oh! Chris goes...
IDENTICAL BUZZER

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Sara goes...
IDENTICAL BUZZER

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Alan's buzzer...

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BIRD SCREECHES

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LAUGHTER

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Oh.
KLAXON

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LAUGHTER

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That wasn't a buzzer,
that was a buzzard.

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That's harsh, though, isn't it?
It is harsh.

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Am I on minus then already,

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before I've spoken? Yes.

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That is a new record.

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LAUGHTER

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I have no... My hands are tied.
LAUGHTER

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Now, because almost everything we
think we know about

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the world is wrong,
we've given you each a map,

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so you can refresh your memories.

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Yup, there it is. A map of the
world. Is that wrong?

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You're telling us that's wrong.

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Well, the sea is where the land
should be.

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So, I'm saying yes.

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I don't mind that, shakes things up
a bit. It does, doesn't it?

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It's wrong in other ways. OK.
But it's a representation,

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so we'll forgive it for not being
perfectly accurate.

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OK. Because it's flat,
and the earth is round.

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If we were on a direct flight from
Madrid to Montana...

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which American states beginning with
"M" would we fly over on the way?

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Merica?

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Is that one?

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None. Because you go over the top,
you go straight over the top.

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Is exactly right.
Yes, that's right.

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Very good.

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We will show you the route here.
You might go over Manitoba.

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Yes, you do go over Manitoba.

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You miss all the American states.

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It's seems to not be a straight
line,

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but of course on the globe it is the
shortest distance to go that way.

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If you were to go what seems
a straight line on flat paper,

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it would actually be going
around the curvature of the earth...

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Madrid is on the same
line of latitude as New York.

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It is.

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So you could go around that way.

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Well, it's still further.

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You've got a little globe there.

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You can try
with a piece of string.

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OK. Let's do that.

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Have a look.

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Where's Madrid? There we go.

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There you are, viewers.

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I've illustrated it perfectly.

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You're right.
We're nearly over Winnipeg, there.

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Go over Winnipeg and Regina.

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Regina, you say?

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If you compare the string with
the lines of latitude on the globe,

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you've come so much further up,
haven't you?

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Cos the line of latitude would be
all the way along that way.

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Yeah. We need more string!
You need more string.

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Are you wrestling
with the world, here?

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Yes. Aren't we all, Steve?
Yes, I suppose.

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Well, that's solved a lot of...
Yeah.

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That's an excellent in flight
tool for any air hostess.

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Yes.
Explaining where you're going.

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Just going to
colour in Scotland yellow.

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I didn't want them
the same colour as England. No.

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What we have here is a particular
kind of view of the world.

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It's a 16th century cartographer.

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Ricardo Montalban.

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No, his name was Gerard Merchant,
but it wasn't, it was Latinised.

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Gerard Merchant. Gerardus...
Mercator.

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Mercator. Well done, Chris.

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It's called the Mercator Projection.

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And it was the first time the world
was expressed in such a way

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that sailors could navigate using
straight lines from the compass.

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But in order to do that you
had to compromise

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the reality of the shape
of the continent.

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So Africa became,
for example, much smaller.

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Everything near the equator
was squashed. Yeah.

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Sometimes people think this was
a sort of imperialist thing to make

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Europe look bigger, but it wasn't
actually anything to do with that.

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It was, as always, to make
money for commerce and trade.

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Well, there you are, the great
circle route is a roundabout way

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of going in a straight line.

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So, how did the first American
airmail arrive at its destination?

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Human cannonball.

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LAUGHTER
That's a good thought.

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They just put a postman
in a cannon and fired him.

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Was it an air balloon?

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It wasn't, I'm afraid.
KLAXON

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I mean... Ha-ha-ha!..that seems...

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LAUGHTER

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Welcome to QI. Quite right.

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Oh, surely a carrier pigeon.

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Oh! As in...

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KLAXON

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Was it by bus?

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Closer.

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Bus is closer. Airmail was by bus?
Stagecoach?

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Train. Sedan chair. Train is
the right answer. Sedan chair.

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You deserve to get some points back,
because it started by balloon,

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you see, Sara. Oh, really? Yeah.

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With great hoopla,
they started an airmail service.

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It was going to go
from Indiana to New York.

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Unfortunately,
they chose the opening day

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and lots of mail had arrived, which
was very self-consciously excited.

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"My darling, you're going to get
this by a new means of transport,"

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etc, etc.
They were all thrilled by it.

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There was no wind and, after five
hours, it had gone 30 miles...

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LAUGHTER
..and so he just... Could he...?

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Basically, they let themselves down
and got on a train.

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Throwing the post overboard
to keep height.

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LAUGHTER

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Was that in the days before the...

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They still had burners. Did they
literally use air for air balloons?

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Well, yes, it had to be hot air.
What's the technical term for...

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That is the technical term.
It's a burner. Very hard to spell.

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He was a piano maker
turned ballooning pioneer,

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Professor John Wise,
who started it out. It was in 1859.

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The world's first official airmail
delivery took place in 1911.

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Where, do you think?
South Africa.

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SARA: New Zealand.
Not South Africa or New Zealand.

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France. Germany.

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No, it's India.

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What?! All right.

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It's not that shocking,
but it is perhaps surprising.

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Yeah, it travelled five miles.

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I wouldn't trust my letters in that
contraption.

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They'd be blowing all over the shop.
They would, wouldn't they?

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He can't be a postman,
he's not got his shorts on either.

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They wear a short, a tailored short.
Yes.

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That's powered by a dog chasing it.

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The American airmail service
was started in 1918

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as a way of training pilots -

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and the assistant postmaster
was ruthless,

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and he insisted that the trainees

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would fly, whatever the weather.

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And out of 40 who started,

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more than half were killed.
Oh...! Oh, dear.

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He was a lunatic.
He, himself, didn't fly -

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so it was pretty obvious
he had no idea what was going on,

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so it was all rather tragic.

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Good to see the use of a sinister
doll on the mailbag as well.

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LAUGHTER

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The whole thing's sent by voodoo.
Yeah, it is.

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LAUGHTER

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It's for when they don't
want to get in the plane,

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he makes them with the doll.
LAUGHTER

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He walks the doll.

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"I don't want to fly in the plane!"

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The first airplane-powered
glider airmail service

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was founded by whom?

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Amy Johnson.
The first one was named after...

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No, she's not known
as an aviatrix... Oh, right.

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..she's known as a novelist.

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Madonna. Barbara Cartland.

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Is the right answer!

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APPLAUSE

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INAUDIBLE

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That was very impressive, Sue.

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Barbara Cartland flew the first
glider that dispensed mail?

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Yep, that's absolutely right.
Tell me it was painted pink.

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The glider was called The Barbara
Cartland, as you can see. Yeah.

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Where does she get her ideas?
Indeed.

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Well, she was a flapper,
she was a sort of deb.

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She was very much an aristocrat,

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part of the Bright Young Things -
and they all loved to fly.

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It was an expression of youth. "Oh,
because it was extremely good fun!

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"I mean, just really, really
good to get in a glider

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"and just shove a few letters out.

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"Lovely, rollicking, good fun."

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One of the people I most admire in
the 20th century was

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00:09:00,404 --> 00:09:01,844
the writer PG Wodehouse.

195
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He had such an extraordinary
sunny disposition

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and a genuine belief
in the goodness of people.

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One of the things he did when he was
in London, he would type letters,

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type the address, stamp it
and throw it out the window.

199
00:09:14,194 --> 00:09:17,514
And he reasoned that the average
Britain on seeing a stamped

200
00:09:17,514 --> 00:09:20,244
addressed envelope would put it in
the nearest letterbox.

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00:09:20,244 --> 00:09:23,274
And he claimed
he never had a letter go astray.

202
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But then he never had
a reply either.

203
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America's first airmail letters
arrived by train.

204
00:09:30,964 --> 00:09:33,244
Now, from airmail to e-mail.

205
00:09:33,244 --> 00:09:36,834
What's the most effective way
to do a massive data dump?

206
00:09:36,834 --> 00:09:38,964
Is it...?
LAUGHTER

207
00:09:38,964 --> 00:09:41,284
Is it - "Give your laptop
to a British civil servant

208
00:09:41,284 --> 00:09:42,554
"to leave in a car?"

209
00:09:42,554 --> 00:09:44,514
LAUGHTER
Yes, that will happen.

210
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A data dump? Yeah.

211
00:09:45,844 --> 00:09:47,284
I'm sorry about the picture,

212
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it's nothing to do
with anything lavatorial.

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Where have you got that from?
I've no idea.

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They just googled "data dump",
and there you are.

215
00:09:53,684 --> 00:09:56,124
Yeah. The techno turd.
LAUGHTER

216
00:09:56,124 --> 00:09:58,495
No, don't...
Forget that whole side of it. We...

217
00:09:58,495 --> 00:10:00,605
No, I'm obsessed with that image.
It's our fault.

218
00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:03,284
Our picture suggests the lavatory,
but it's not about that.

219
00:10:03,284 --> 00:10:05,514
If you want to transfer
HUGE amounts of data,

220
00:10:05,514 --> 00:10:08,054
what's the best way to do it?
Dropbox. Dropbox, yeah.

221
00:10:08,054 --> 00:10:09,974
Dropbox. You send it...
KLAXON

222
00:10:09,974 --> 00:10:13,605
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

223
00:10:13,605 --> 00:10:16,334
Do you...? By data dump, do you mean
to get the data somewhere else,

224
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or do you mean to...?
To wipe it? Yeah, exactly.

225
00:10:18,365 --> 00:10:20,804
Oh sorry, the "wipe it" again,
I mean... No, not to wipe it.

226
00:10:20,804 --> 00:10:22,084
LAUGHTER

227
00:10:22,084 --> 00:10:24,564
But you always want to wipe
after a data dump.

228
00:10:24,564 --> 00:10:25,844
I'll give you an example.

229
00:10:25,844 --> 00:10:28,514
Enormous data sets
that come from Hubble

230
00:10:28,514 --> 00:10:30,684
have to be transferred
to different scientists,

231
00:10:30,684 --> 00:10:32,794
to interpret
and to render the images

232
00:10:32,794 --> 00:10:34,994
and all these kind of...
And they're huge data sets.

233
00:10:34,994 --> 00:10:37,204
So, what do they use to send it?
Do they use Ethernet?

234
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:39,204
Do they use...?
What do they use? Fibre optics?

235
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See, I'm regretting in our house
that we divvy up all the duties.

236
00:10:41,964 --> 00:10:44,874
You see, if you were to ask me
about what factor sun cream

237
00:10:44,874 --> 00:10:48,355
to pack for my kids' holidays,
it's kind of one of my things.

238
00:10:48,355 --> 00:10:50,004
Technology is my husband's.

239
00:10:50,004 --> 00:10:52,204
Would your husband do the data dump?

240
00:10:52,204 --> 00:10:54,525
Yeah, and light bulbs.

241
00:10:56,434 --> 00:10:59,794
But he gives more to the family than
that, do you know what I mean?

242
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Do they just print it off?

243
00:11:01,605 --> 00:11:04,524
No, that's... Do they put it
in the Cloud? They don't put it...

244
00:11:04,524 --> 00:11:07,284
They run to a phone booth. They do
all that, like in the old films.

245
00:11:07,284 --> 00:11:09,794
"I've got all the data.
OK, have you got a pen? Listen."

246
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,054
LAUGHTER

247
00:11:11,054 --> 00:11:14,124
"OK, first thing - a star,
then a space, then another star..."

248
00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:16,365
LAUGHTER
..and do that for some time.

249
00:11:16,365 --> 00:11:18,724
What they do is they post it...

250
00:11:18,724 --> 00:11:20,564
in the mail, the ordinary mail.

251
00:11:20,564 --> 00:11:23,964
It's quicker. Bradley Wiggins
delivers it. It's quicker.

252
00:11:23,964 --> 00:11:26,074
It takes less than 24 hours
for each transfer

253
00:11:26,074 --> 00:11:27,605
if you take it by mail.

254
00:11:27,605 --> 00:11:29,764
Whereas, to transfer
the complete data set,

255
00:11:29,764 --> 00:11:31,235
which is 120 terabytes,

256
00:11:31,235 --> 00:11:33,634
it would take 111 days...

257
00:11:33,634 --> 00:11:35,724
if you did it by the internet.
To send?

258
00:11:35,724 --> 00:11:37,154
You know, by e-mail. Yeah.

259
00:11:37,154 --> 00:11:38,434
That is surprising, isn't it?

260
00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:40,324
And we've done some calculations.

261
00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:43,004
FedEx or UPS, or any of those,

262
00:11:43,004 --> 00:11:45,114
could deliver massive amounts
of information

263
00:11:45,114 --> 00:11:47,485
64 times faster than the internet.

264
00:11:47,485 --> 00:11:49,834
Based on the weight of packages
which ship every day...

265
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,245
They're going to love you!

266
00:11:51,245 --> 00:11:53,884
I hope you're getting money
from them for this! No, it's just...

267
00:11:53,884 --> 00:11:55,204
I didn't... Oh, from FedEx.

268
00:11:55,204 --> 00:11:58,204
It all ends up on an island
with Tom Hanks...

269
00:11:58,204 --> 00:12:00,154
"Faster than the internet."
- Stephen Fry.

270
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,804
..for three years.

271
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,414
Based on the weight of packages
and the weight of memory cards,

272
00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:08,854
they could transport
2,222 terabytes per second.

273
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:11,564
Now that...
The whole internet, in 2016,

274
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,485
is expected to be
34.5 terabytes a second.

275
00:12:14,485 --> 00:12:16,245
What's a terabyte, Stephen?

276
00:12:16,245 --> 00:12:18,444
Well, you've got a byte...
Yes. A byte.

277
00:12:18,444 --> 00:12:19,774
..a kilobyte...

278
00:12:19,774 --> 00:12:21,124
And then the terror-byte!

279
00:12:21,124 --> 00:12:23,774
..a megabyte... Megabyte.
Yeah. Megabyte I can do, yeah.

280
00:12:23,774 --> 00:12:26,594
Yeah, a megabyte.
..and then a gigabyte... Yeah.

281
00:12:26,594 --> 00:12:28,794
..and a terabyte...

282
00:12:28,794 --> 00:12:31,774
..and then you have a petabyte,
even bigger than that. Petabyte.

283
00:12:31,774 --> 00:12:33,495
But the expansion of memory,

284
00:12:33,495 --> 00:12:37,084
the expansion of processing power
in computing is bewildering -

285
00:12:37,084 --> 00:12:39,794
partly because
it doubles every two years,

286
00:12:39,794 --> 00:12:41,884
and do you know what that is called?

287
00:12:41,884 --> 00:12:44,124
It was predicted in the '60s
that it would double.

288
00:12:44,124 --> 00:12:47,365
A gobble, a gobble, a double gobble.
No, there was a man who predicted...

289
00:12:47,365 --> 00:12:49,524
Oh, right...that it would
double every two years.

290
00:12:49,524 --> 00:12:52,074
His name was Gordon Moore
and it's called Moore's Law,

291
00:12:52,074 --> 00:12:53,684
and Moore's Law... Oh, that's good.

292
00:12:53,684 --> 00:12:55,355
That worked out well, didn't it?
Yeah.

293
00:12:55,355 --> 00:12:58,274
Moore's Law has governed
the astonishing rise in power

294
00:12:58,274 --> 00:13:00,874
and capacity in computing
ever since.

295
00:13:00,874 --> 00:13:03,594
For a long, long time. It doubles
and doubles and doubles.

296
00:13:03,594 --> 00:13:06,485
To give you an example of how
breathtaking and bewildering it is,

297
00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:08,964
we've got some memory capacity here.

298
00:13:08,964 --> 00:13:10,764
Here... This is from the '60s

299
00:13:10,764 --> 00:13:13,774
and it's rather elegant
in its own little way.

300
00:13:13,774 --> 00:13:16,954
And it would have fitted into
some sort of great, big cabinet

301
00:13:16,954 --> 00:13:18,844
that was part of a computing system.

302
00:13:18,844 --> 00:13:20,874
It's called the Univac 1004.

303
00:13:20,874 --> 00:13:24,444
And it's a core store memory module.

304
00:13:24,444 --> 00:13:27,235
And how much memory
do you think that contains?

305
00:13:27,235 --> 00:13:28,604
A byte.

306
00:13:28,604 --> 00:13:30,724
No, it's a lot more than that.

307
00:13:30,724 --> 00:13:32,245
A gigabyte. A gigabyte.

308
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,964
Oh, no, it's nothing
like as big as that.

309
00:13:33,964 --> 00:13:35,245
LAUGHTER

310
00:13:35,245 --> 00:13:37,574
It's one kilobyte.
A kilobyte?! Yeah.

311
00:13:37,574 --> 00:13:40,284
There's a kilobyte, too.
What's a kilobyte? I don't remember.

312
00:13:40,284 --> 00:13:42,054
1,000 bytes.

313
00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:44,004
And look. I've got here, this -

314
00:13:44,004 --> 00:13:45,964
which is 128 gigabytes.

315
00:13:45,964 --> 00:13:48,235
Can you see it?
I'll put it there, it's a little...

316
00:13:48,235 --> 00:13:51,235
micro SD chip.

317
00:13:51,235 --> 00:13:54,154
And this, here,

318
00:13:54,154 --> 00:14:00,154
would have to weigh
140,229 metric tonnes...

319
00:14:00,154 --> 00:14:02,314
to carry this much information.
LAUGHTER

320
00:14:02,314 --> 00:14:04,644
In 1963. Yeah.
That is hugely impractical.

321
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,284
It's... Exactly.

322
00:14:06,284 --> 00:14:09,355
Just under six-and-a-half
Ark Royal aircraft carriers...

323
00:14:09,355 --> 00:14:11,204
I'd need an extension done.
LAUGHTER

324
00:14:11,204 --> 00:14:12,674
..if this was what you were using.

325
00:14:12,674 --> 00:14:14,994
And it just shows, this is
an example of Moore's Law -

326
00:14:14,994 --> 00:14:16,485
you go from that to that.

327
00:14:16,485 --> 00:14:18,404
Or maybe this.

328
00:14:18,404 --> 00:14:19,714
Ah! There we are.

329
00:14:19,714 --> 00:14:22,284
Look at that.
Isn't that beautiful? It is.

330
00:14:22,284 --> 00:14:24,044
It is a splendid piece of work,
isn't it?

331
00:14:24,044 --> 00:14:26,235
That's the middle of C-3PO.
LAUGHTER

332
00:14:26,235 --> 00:14:30,154
It's the Elliott 803
core store memory module.

333
00:14:30,154 --> 00:14:32,164
It was made in the early '60s, also,

334
00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:34,084
and it weighs 7kg...
Wow.

335
00:14:34,084 --> 00:14:36,894
..and stores 20 kilobytes.

336
00:14:38,084 --> 00:14:40,004
LAUGHTER
Wow!

337
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,375
Yeah. How about that?

338
00:14:41,375 --> 00:14:43,414
My favourite one... Supercomputers.

339
00:14:43,414 --> 00:14:47,054
..is the Bryant Model-2 Series
hard disk platter.

340
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,284
Mine too. Yeah.

341
00:14:49,284 --> 00:14:50,854
I love that. I've got all of them.

342
00:14:50,854 --> 00:14:52,884
I have a poster.
Did you have the poster?

343
00:14:52,884 --> 00:14:55,684
Yeah, absolutely. I was obsessed.
I love it. I was in the club.

344
00:14:55,684 --> 00:14:57,054
I had the...
GASPS AND LAUGHTER

345
00:14:57,054 --> 00:14:58,404
There it is. No!

346
00:14:58,404 --> 00:15:00,495
THAT is a hard disk.

347
00:15:00,495 --> 00:15:02,004
Isn't that good?

348
00:15:02,004 --> 00:15:03,934
It's a disk... That's ludicrous!

349
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:06,284
HE KNOCKS ON DISK
..and it's hard.

350
00:15:06,284 --> 00:15:07,414
LAUGHTER

351
00:15:07,414 --> 00:15:10,235
It's very rare for technology to
double as S&M equipment, isn't it?

352
00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:13,004
LAUGHTER
I think it's absolutely blissful.

353
00:15:13,004 --> 00:15:15,284
You look like a Borrower
playing with a CD.

354
00:15:15,284 --> 00:15:17,134
I'm going to put that down again...

355
00:15:17,134 --> 00:15:19,724
Oh!..because it's so heavy. Oh!

356
00:15:19,724 --> 00:15:22,495
It's made of magnesium alloy
of some kind.

357
00:15:22,495 --> 00:15:24,284
Careful, you'll scratch it.
LAUGHTER

358
00:15:24,284 --> 00:15:25,674
Yeah, I don't want to scratch it.

359
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,564
It carried eight megabytes,

360
00:15:27,564 --> 00:15:29,514
so that was pretty impressive.

361
00:15:29,514 --> 00:15:32,674
What's a megabyte? And its drive...
LAUGHTER

362
00:15:32,674 --> 00:15:34,084
Can't remember.

363
00:15:34,084 --> 00:15:38,804
The drive that operated the Bryant
Model-2 Series hard disk platter,

364
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:41,954
the brochure boasted
its short warm-up time.

365
00:15:41,954 --> 00:15:43,235
Which was?

366
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,485
15 minutes.

367
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,714
LAUGHTER
Oh.

368
00:15:46,714 --> 00:15:49,245
These are wonderful, I think,
of the advances certainly in

369
00:15:49,245 --> 00:15:51,674
memory management and in capacity
and everything else.

370
00:15:51,674 --> 00:15:53,314
It doesn't make us any better
people.

371
00:15:53,314 --> 00:15:56,235
Well, listen, I ought to say
that we are extremely grateful

372
00:15:56,235 --> 00:16:00,674
to the National Museum of Computing,
who lent us these fabulous items.

373
00:16:00,674 --> 00:16:04,365
If you want a really great day out,
and I'm completely ashamed about

374
00:16:04,365 --> 00:16:07,524
recommending it cos I'm a bit of a
nerd when it comes to these things,

375
00:16:07,524 --> 00:16:09,375
then you could do a lot worse than
visit

376
00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:11,485
the National Museum
of Computing at Bletchley -

377
00:16:11,485 --> 00:16:13,444
where, of course, Enigma was cracked

378
00:16:13,444 --> 00:16:16,884
and it's the home of British
engineering in that regard.

379
00:16:16,884 --> 00:16:20,414
So we deeply thank Robert Dowell
and Angie Lewis.

380
00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:24,168
APPLAUSE

381
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:30,724
Alan, when will I finally be able
to replace you with a machine?

382
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:33,524
Sooner than I would like.

383
00:16:33,524 --> 00:16:36,644
Mm-hm. Yeah, that's maybe true.

384
00:16:36,644 --> 00:16:40,654
There is a kind of, it's not a law,
really, but when people predict

385
00:16:40,654 --> 00:16:46,375
robots that replace humans, they
always say in about 15 years' time.

386
00:16:46,375 --> 00:16:53,134
That started in 1950. By 1965, they
will have robots that replace us.

387
00:16:53,134 --> 00:16:56,814
1965, it will be by 1980.

388
00:16:56,814 --> 00:16:58,884
Presumably at some
point that is true.

389
00:16:58,884 --> 00:17:01,574
It's presumably that at some point
that prediction comes true.

390
00:17:01,574 --> 00:17:03,524
Yes, it will be. Or possibly was.
Yeah.

391
00:17:03,524 --> 00:17:06,444
Well, indeed cos there are plenty
of things in which humans

392
00:17:06,444 --> 00:17:10,014
have been replaced by computers.
Can you think of any examples?

393
00:17:10,014 --> 00:17:12,964
At the supermarket,
with self service.

394
00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:14,804
God, I hate those!

395
00:17:14,804 --> 00:17:17,524
I think instead of getting
the self service tills

396
00:17:17,524 --> 00:17:19,814
they should have got
robots behind the tills

397
00:17:19,814 --> 00:17:22,084
and just put them
in a nice tabard...

398
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:25,495
Even cheapest, to have the humans
you already have who just go...

399
00:17:25,495 --> 00:17:27,404
beep, boop, beep, beep, boop.

400
00:17:27,404 --> 00:17:29,375
Doing all the things
they'd normally do.

401
00:17:29,375 --> 00:17:32,574
Beep, boop, beep, beep.
Peter Crouch tactic.

402
00:17:32,574 --> 00:17:35,454
Boop, boop, beep, boop.

403
00:17:35,454 --> 00:17:40,375
A friend of mine got so angry with
those machines that he punched it.

404
00:17:40,375 --> 00:17:42,034
I'll so end up doing that.

405
00:17:42,034 --> 00:17:44,804
I'm sure that when I die
and I'm in the crematorium,

406
00:17:44,804 --> 00:17:46,604
Iast sound I'll hear will be,

407
00:17:46,604 --> 00:17:49,604
"Unexpected item
in the burning area."

408
00:17:49,604 --> 00:17:50,854
I once mooned on that,

409
00:17:50,854 --> 00:17:54,245
because I kept hearing,
"Unexpected item in the bagging
area."

410
00:17:54,245 --> 00:17:57,524
Literally, trousers down and said,
"Now there is."

411
00:17:57,524 --> 00:18:00,014
Had an absolute belly full of it.
Deal with it. Exactly.

412
00:18:00,014 --> 00:18:02,774
Permanently. Horrifying.
Well, that is one area indeed.

413
00:18:02,774 --> 00:18:05,094
And of course, planes,
flying planes.

414
00:18:05,094 --> 00:18:10,014
On an average, how long do you think
pilots are in control of the flight?

415
00:18:10,014 --> 00:18:12,524
Like, 10% of the time or something.

416
00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:14,444
Less than that. Three minutes.

417
00:18:14,444 --> 00:18:16,004
Three minutes?!

418
00:18:16,004 --> 00:18:17,972
That is an easy job, isn't it?

419
00:18:19,614 --> 00:18:21,524
It's pretty good, isn't it?

420
00:18:21,524 --> 00:18:24,044
You turn up to work, you work
for a minute and a half and you go,

421
00:18:24,044 --> 00:18:26,574
"There we go," for ten hours.

422
00:18:26,574 --> 00:18:29,495
Just the taxi into the runway,
that three minutes.

423
00:18:29,495 --> 00:18:32,123
It probably is.
And after that they go...

424
00:18:35,044 --> 00:18:37,684
A couple of scientists at Oxford,
Carl Frey

425
00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:40,854
and Michael Osborne,
have suggested that taxi drivers,

426
00:18:40,854 --> 00:18:44,495
security guards, jobs most likely
to be replaced by robots.

427
00:18:44,495 --> 00:18:48,214
50% chance that computer programming
could be outsourced to machines.

428
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:51,094
Cameramen have a 60% chance.

429
00:18:51,094 --> 00:18:52,534
Oh!

430
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:54,864
Stay where you are. Don't worry.
It's fine.

431
00:18:54,864 --> 00:18:57,378
Television announcers
only 10% apparently.

432
00:18:58,654 --> 00:19:00,444
Yes!

433
00:19:00,444 --> 00:19:03,534
Be a long time before comedians
are replaced by machines.

434
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:05,604
That doesn't affect anyone here.

435
00:19:08,245 --> 00:19:11,014
There are various teams around
the world working on algorithms

436
00:19:11,014 --> 00:19:12,094
to create jokes.

437
00:19:12,094 --> 00:19:13,974
We've got two really weird
ones here.

438
00:19:13,974 --> 00:19:15,524
Dreadful puns, but they're so...

439
00:19:15,524 --> 00:19:17,804
Surreal isn't the word,
they're just odd.

440
00:19:17,804 --> 00:19:21,296
What do you call a washing machine
with a September?

441
00:19:23,044 --> 00:19:24,814
I don't know, Stephen,

442
00:19:24,814 --> 00:19:27,294
what do you call a washing machine
with a September?

443
00:19:27,294 --> 00:19:29,084
Autumnpoint. I don't know.

444
00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:31,609
An autumn-matic washing machine.

445
00:19:33,934 --> 00:19:36,884
You nearly got it.
Yes, well, it's one of mine.

446
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,524
I've been trying
that for years in the clubs,

447
00:19:39,524 --> 00:19:41,454
never got anything out of it.

448
00:19:41,454 --> 00:19:43,245
A washing machine with a September?

449
00:19:43,245 --> 00:19:45,574
It hasn't quite got the point,
has it?

450
00:19:45,574 --> 00:19:49,934
No. Or,
what kind of preschool has a wine?

451
00:19:49,934 --> 00:19:51,458
Most of them.

452
00:19:52,804 --> 00:19:54,328
A playgrape.

453
00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:58,004
AUDIENCE GROANS

454
00:19:58,004 --> 00:20:00,204
So, hang on,
they've taken presumably the end

455
00:20:00,204 --> 00:20:02,115
and then tried to back
work the joke?

456
00:20:02,115 --> 00:20:04,484
Yeah, they take words that sound
like other words a bit,

457
00:20:04,484 --> 00:20:06,854
so they obviously can
find that automatic

458
00:20:06,854 --> 00:20:10,034
sounds like autumn, so they've got
quite a good database of sounds.

459
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:12,804
Yeah, but just no sense of humour.

460
00:20:12,804 --> 00:20:14,474
Needs work, I think.

461
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:18,004
I would love to see one of them
at a club though.

462
00:20:18,004 --> 00:20:20,834
ROBOT VOICE: Sorry, this is all new.

463
00:20:20,834 --> 00:20:24,531
What was I going to say next?
Please don't leave.

464
00:20:26,084 --> 00:20:27,744
What a funny idea.

465
00:20:27,744 --> 00:20:30,294
I think it's safe to say that
artificial intelligence

466
00:20:30,294 --> 00:20:31,844
is still 15 years away.

467
00:20:31,844 --> 00:20:34,174
Now then,
for a question about mistakes,

468
00:20:34,174 --> 00:20:36,734
what's the real cost
of parachute jumping?

469
00:20:36,734 --> 00:20:38,245
A shattered pelvis?

470
00:20:38,245 --> 00:20:39,534
It can be.

471
00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:42,255
Why do most people jump off planes?

472
00:20:42,255 --> 00:20:43,884
For charity. Charity. For charity.

473
00:20:43,884 --> 00:20:44,974
Well...

474
00:20:44,974 --> 00:20:47,214
Which is good, don't get me wrong.
LAUGHTER

475
00:20:47,214 --> 00:20:49,174
Can I just say,
it's only in that situation,

476
00:20:49,174 --> 00:20:51,574
falling out of a plane,
that my hair makes sense.

477
00:20:51,574 --> 00:20:53,164
LAUGHTER

478
00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:56,044
I've been looking for a context
for this for years.

479
00:20:56,044 --> 00:20:57,964
It does, doesn't it?
Now, finally. Whoosh.

480
00:20:57,964 --> 00:21:00,524
Stephen appears quite
frightened at the back there.

481
00:21:00,524 --> 00:21:02,094
Well, I am... Are you on fire?

482
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:07,294
..because I probably know about the
1999 Perth Royal Infirmary study -

483
00:21:07,294 --> 00:21:09,125
which is most unfortunate.

484
00:21:09,125 --> 00:21:12,115
They looked at five years
of charity jumps

485
00:21:12,115 --> 00:21:16,884
and found they resulted
in injuries to 174 people, right?

486
00:21:16,884 --> 00:21:19,255
Which cost the National
Health Service... Oh, no.

487
00:21:19,255 --> 00:21:21,744
over £600,000.

488
00:21:21,744 --> 00:21:23,334
How much had they raised?

489
00:21:23,334 --> 00:21:26,944
The average amount raised per person
for charity was £30.

490
00:21:26,944 --> 00:21:28,944
So, every pound raised

491
00:21:28,944 --> 00:21:33,204
cost the NHS roughly £13.75.

492
00:21:33,204 --> 00:21:35,454
Oh, that is so depressing, though.

493
00:21:35,454 --> 00:21:39,754
And, of course,
about 70% of the jumps

494
00:21:39,754 --> 00:21:42,764
were raising money
for NHS-related causes.

495
00:21:42,764 --> 00:21:45,744
LAUGHTER
Oh, no. That is amazing.

496
00:21:45,744 --> 00:21:47,294
It is amazing, isn't it?

497
00:21:47,294 --> 00:21:49,824
The thing is, when you think
about it, don't do something

498
00:21:49,824 --> 00:21:52,614
that is likely to injure yourself,
if that's your game.

499
00:21:52,614 --> 00:21:54,614
"I'm having a sponsored
catch-the-measles."

500
00:21:54,614 --> 00:21:56,184
LAUGHTER

501
00:21:56,184 --> 00:21:58,944
Sponsored... For Measles Relief.
Yeah, for Measles relief.

502
00:21:58,944 --> 00:22:00,614
Sponsored spread cholera.

503
00:22:00,614 --> 00:22:03,824
Bring typhus back...for charity.
LAUGHTER

504
00:22:03,824 --> 00:22:06,404
A lot of them
are first-time jumpers, of course,

505
00:22:06,404 --> 00:22:08,404
and what happens is, very often,

506
00:22:08,404 --> 00:22:10,734
when the ground
rushes up to meet you,

507
00:22:10,734 --> 00:22:13,135
you forget everything
you've been taught

508
00:22:13,135 --> 00:22:16,744
and so all the bad things you've
been told could happen, happen.

509
00:22:16,744 --> 00:22:18,614
And you need longer training,

510
00:22:18,614 --> 00:22:21,334
not necessarily on the details
of how to roll and drop -

511
00:22:21,334 --> 00:22:24,604
but on how to prepare your mind
so that you don't panic.

512
00:22:24,604 --> 00:22:27,484
That's the key. Is that a thing
that they do in the paras then?

513
00:22:27,484 --> 00:22:30,484
So before they go behind enemy
lines, are they there going,

514
00:22:30,484 --> 00:22:32,404
"Hmm..."?
LAUGHTER

515
00:22:32,404 --> 00:22:35,844
"Just don't drop us yet,
I'm not quite there."

516
00:22:35,844 --> 00:22:37,564
LAUGHTER
Maybe. Maybe.

517
00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:40,094
I mean the fact is,
it's a dangerous thing to do.

518
00:22:40,094 --> 00:22:43,334
And in the days of, you know, those
great commando parachute drops,

519
00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:45,884
they're unlikely to survive
more than three.

520
00:22:45,884 --> 00:22:48,125
Well, but then there were
people shooting at you then -

521
00:22:48,125 --> 00:22:51,125
which might actually make them
more fun, these charity drops.

522
00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:53,014
Certainly add a bit of spice.

523
00:22:53,014 --> 00:22:55,654
Well, there was a dog
called Rob, in 1945,

524
00:22:55,654 --> 00:23:00,744
and this was in Africa and Italy,
in the campaign there, and he...

525
00:23:00,744 --> 00:23:03,664
Apparently, he did 20 drops,
and he won...

526
00:23:03,664 --> 00:23:05,054
For the RSPCA!

527
00:23:05,054 --> 00:23:06,974
He won the...
LAUGHTER

528
00:23:06,974 --> 00:23:08,894
Yes, quite! Fundraising.

529
00:23:08,894 --> 00:23:12,304
He won the Dickin Medal,
which is the VC for animals.

530
00:23:12,304 --> 00:23:14,534
They just open the door of
the plane, throw a bone out

531
00:23:14,534 --> 00:23:16,174
and off he goes.

532
00:23:16,174 --> 00:23:18,454
But it wasn't until 2006
that it was revealed

533
00:23:18,454 --> 00:23:19,974
that his heroism was a hoax.

534
00:23:19,974 --> 00:23:21,814
What? Oh. For morale?

535
00:23:21,814 --> 00:23:24,654
Well, not quite, actually.
Well, sort of morale, in a way.

536
00:23:24,654 --> 00:23:27,094
It was that the couple
from Shropshire,

537
00:23:27,094 --> 00:23:29,814
who had given the dog
to the regiment, said,

538
00:23:29,814 --> 00:23:31,324
"Can we have him back, please?"

539
00:23:31,324 --> 00:23:33,814
And the regiment
were so fond of him,

540
00:23:33,814 --> 00:23:36,654
they made-up all these things
to show that he was indispensable.

541
00:23:36,654 --> 00:23:39,174
"He's a heroic dog, you will
not believe what he can do."

542
00:23:39,174 --> 00:23:41,774
And so they went, "Oh, all right
then, you'd better keep him,

543
00:23:41,774 --> 00:23:43,764
"I suppose.
He's valuable for the war effort."

544
00:23:43,764 --> 00:23:46,094
But he wasn't at all,
he was just a mascot. Brilliant.

545
00:23:46,094 --> 00:23:47,054
They just liked him.

546
00:23:47,054 --> 00:23:49,334
Sending them pictures
of him chewing Hitler's legs.

547
00:23:49,334 --> 00:23:51,054
LAUGHTER
Yes, that's right.

548
00:23:51,054 --> 00:23:55,414
I presume that was the actual shape
of his right front leg there.

549
00:23:55,414 --> 00:23:58,924
And they were like, "Look what he's
done on his trip, he was so brave."

550
00:23:58,924 --> 00:24:02,774
After World War II, in America,
they used surplus parachutes

551
00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:05,894
to help repopulate beavers
into the wild.

552
00:24:05,894 --> 00:24:08,255
The idea was
they'd shove them in a box.

553
00:24:08,255 --> 00:24:11,094
They first thought, "We'll shove
them in a box and they'll fall

554
00:24:11,094 --> 00:24:13,204
"and then they'll gnaw
their way out of the box."

555
00:24:13,204 --> 00:24:15,744
Then they worried... This doesn't
sound like sexy times to me.

556
00:24:15,744 --> 00:24:17,744
Just shove them in a box.
They'll pull through.

557
00:24:17,744 --> 00:24:19,824
They worried that
they'd eat through the box

558
00:24:19,824 --> 00:24:22,574
while they were still in the air.
They chucked them out of a plane?

559
00:24:22,574 --> 00:24:24,414
Yeah. To repopulate... Yeah.
LAUGHTER

560
00:24:24,414 --> 00:24:26,135
There are huge areas of wilderness.

561
00:24:26,135 --> 00:24:28,454
It's incredibly hard to...
Yes, it makes total sense.

562
00:24:28,454 --> 00:24:29,924
..give them their own territory.

563
00:24:29,924 --> 00:24:32,024
Couldn't they have
driven them there, Stephen?

564
00:24:32,024 --> 00:24:34,414
They could have driven them there.
No... Wilderness.

565
00:24:34,414 --> 00:24:36,974
Huge areas of wilderness.
They're bigger than countries.

566
00:24:36,974 --> 00:24:39,385
They're bigger than England,
these... What, beavers?!

567
00:24:39,385 --> 00:24:41,174
No, the parks! The parks.
LAUGHTER

568
00:24:41,174 --> 00:24:42,694
"Bring me some massive beavers!"

569
00:24:42,694 --> 00:24:44,814
The parks in which
you wished to drop them. OK.

570
00:24:44,814 --> 00:24:47,255
And you want to sort of get
them disposed evenly around.

571
00:24:47,255 --> 00:24:49,385
Why had they been dying out?
Oh, gosh.

572
00:24:49,385 --> 00:24:51,664
People had been throwing them
out of planes. Yeah.

573
00:24:51,664 --> 00:24:52,974
LAUGHTER

574
00:24:52,974 --> 00:24:55,494
As you fall out, you gnaw your
way out of your crate and go,

575
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:56,844
"Oh, thanks a lot!"

576
00:24:56,844 --> 00:24:59,255
"Well, this is the middle of...
HE MOUTHS..nowhere."

577
00:24:59,255 --> 00:25:00,534
LAUGHTER

578
00:25:00,534 --> 00:25:02,454
"I've got to go all
the way back to Ottawa."

579
00:25:02,454 --> 00:25:04,894
Until another beaver
lands on your head at high velocity.

580
00:25:04,894 --> 00:25:06,135
LAUGHTER

581
00:25:06,135 --> 00:25:07,744
The rest of the wildlife...

582
00:25:07,744 --> 00:25:09,404
The moose around there,

583
00:25:09,404 --> 00:25:11,534
"What is going on?!"

584
00:25:11,534 --> 00:25:13,454
Beavers coming out of the sky.

585
00:25:13,454 --> 00:25:15,454
"My God! It's actually happening!"

586
00:25:15,454 --> 00:25:16,824
"It's raining beavers."

587
00:25:16,824 --> 00:25:20,024
Part of the moose religious texts
is that that's...

588
00:25:20,024 --> 00:25:21,255
LAUGHTER

589
00:25:21,255 --> 00:25:24,385
That's a sign of the rapture
is when the beavers start dropping.

590
00:25:24,385 --> 00:25:26,414
Well, they had tried moving them

591
00:25:26,414 --> 00:25:28,964
into new territories
for them by mule

592
00:25:28,964 --> 00:25:32,184
and they just simply got too hot and
they really didn't like it at all.

593
00:25:32,184 --> 00:25:35,024
They put a beaver on horseback,
essentially? Yeah.

594
00:25:35,024 --> 00:25:36,894
Well, you've got
to transport it somehow.

595
00:25:36,894 --> 00:25:38,984
What...? How would you transport it?
Well, I...

596
00:25:38,984 --> 00:25:40,774
But I don't understand
why the beavers...

597
00:25:40,774 --> 00:25:43,494
I don't understand any of this.
LAUGHTER

598
00:25:43,494 --> 00:25:45,064
They thought, "We can't..."

599
00:25:45,064 --> 00:25:47,135
"OK, there's no way we
can drop them into a park,

600
00:25:47,135 --> 00:25:48,854
"other than from the sky."

601
00:25:48,854 --> 00:25:52,145
Or by mule, which you found
also incomprehensible.

602
00:25:52,145 --> 00:25:53,904
Is there a man with...?

603
00:25:53,904 --> 00:25:56,824
Or a lady with the beaver
on horseback?

604
00:25:56,824 --> 00:25:58,544
Or is it just a beaver on horseback?

605
00:25:58,544 --> 00:25:59,984
LAUGHTER

606
00:25:59,984 --> 00:26:01,644
Of course there's a person.

607
00:26:01,644 --> 00:26:03,334
I'm confused.

608
00:26:03,334 --> 00:26:05,135
So, is it one beaver per mule?

609
00:26:05,135 --> 00:26:06,654
LAUGHTER

610
00:26:06,654 --> 00:26:09,544
Because then they're repopulating
the place with mules,

611
00:26:09,544 --> 00:26:12,385
as far as I can work it out.
LAUGHTER

612
00:26:12,385 --> 00:26:14,924
Yeah, the beavers
didn't want to stay.

613
00:26:14,924 --> 00:26:17,814
The mules have
forced the beavers further along...

614
00:26:17,814 --> 00:26:19,934
They were relying on the mule
to find its way back.

615
00:26:19,934 --> 00:26:21,104
LAUGHTER

616
00:26:21,104 --> 00:26:24,204
More complicated than you think,
this beaver transportation thing.

617
00:26:24,204 --> 00:26:27,774
Yeah, it is. Well, that was harder
work than I expected.

618
00:26:27,774 --> 00:26:31,414
LAUGHTER

619
00:26:31,414 --> 00:26:36,624
In 1834, someone translated these
ancient Swedish ruins.

620
00:26:36,624 --> 00:26:40,014
What do you think they said?
Best before 1833.

621
00:26:41,854 --> 00:26:46,464
Don't try assembling the Billy
bookcase from Ikea.

622
00:26:46,464 --> 00:26:48,574
Is it particularly ghastly,
the Billy bookcase?

623
00:26:48,574 --> 00:26:51,135
I think they all are.
I don't know.

624
00:26:51,135 --> 00:26:52,694
I can't and won't...

625
00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:55,894
Have you noticed that you never see
a lorry with Ikea on the side?

626
00:26:55,894 --> 00:26:58,135
Don't you?
And that's because they transport

627
00:26:58,135 --> 00:27:02,054
so much stuff that it would freak
you out if it had Ikea on the wagon.

628
00:27:02,054 --> 00:27:05,064
It would put the brand that
much into your head, like,

629
00:27:05,064 --> 00:27:07,694
"Wow, they've taken over the world.
This isn't great."

630
00:27:07,694 --> 00:27:09,854
So they just do it
undercover in white wagons.

631
00:27:09,854 --> 00:27:11,974
That's really interesting.
In white wagons.

632
00:27:11,974 --> 00:27:15,774
A friend told me that on the way
back from the pub, so...

633
00:27:17,454 --> 00:27:22,334
As he was saying, just behind your
head an Ikea lorry was just going.

634
00:27:22,334 --> 00:27:25,624
But it's good.
You never see a lorry with that.

635
00:27:25,624 --> 00:27:28,502
You know that Eddie Stobart
is the Swedish for Ikea.

636
00:27:30,614 --> 00:27:32,265
Oh, I love an Eddie Stobart.

637
00:27:32,265 --> 00:27:34,334
I like how the front
of Eddie Stobart lorries

638
00:27:34,334 --> 00:27:37,284
always have the name
of the driver's lady love.

639
00:27:37,284 --> 00:27:41,534
I've always wanted to see just one
of those guys in the Stobart livery,

640
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:43,980
with the tie, and just "Keith".

641
00:27:45,907 --> 00:27:48,562
It would be great.

642
00:27:48,562 --> 00:27:51,452
"I love him."

643
00:27:51,452 --> 00:27:55,562
Back to the ruins. It's in Runemo
in Sweden. So what is it?

644
00:27:55,562 --> 00:27:58,253
Well, from the 12th century it was
believed to be a secret message

645
00:27:58,253 --> 00:27:59,972
written, no-one could solve it.

646
00:27:59,972 --> 00:28:03,322
The Royal Danish scientific society
took a look in 1833.

647
00:28:03,322 --> 00:28:05,972
A scholar called Finnur Magnusson
had a breakthrough.

648
00:28:05,972 --> 00:28:08,832
He announced that no-one else had
been able to decipher them

649
00:28:08,832 --> 00:28:12,402
is that they were in Icelandic
and they should be read backwards.

650
00:28:12,402 --> 00:28:16,972
And he came up with the ruin's poem
telling you of a battle victory.

651
00:28:16,972 --> 00:28:21,762
And then they discovered
in 2000-ish...

652
00:28:21,762 --> 00:28:24,642
Oh, dear. I sense bad things.
Yeah.

653
00:28:24,642 --> 00:28:27,543
Is it birds or something?
It's just cracks in the rock.

654
00:28:28,762 --> 00:28:30,482
Love it.

655
00:28:30,482 --> 00:28:34,253
He had worked on a copy someone else
had made and it's just nothing.

656
00:28:34,253 --> 00:28:37,133
So he'd written some huge poem?

657
00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:41,282
That's right.
It was 700 pages he wrote.

658
00:28:41,282 --> 00:28:43,772
He must have padded that out.
Look at that.

659
00:28:43,772 --> 00:28:47,722
He thought it said this.
Which is Runic for...

660
00:28:47,722 --> 00:28:49,822
Out of focus.

661
00:28:49,822 --> 00:28:51,892
STEPHEN READS OUT POEM

662
00:29:05,282 --> 00:29:08,003
I like that there's obviously two
symbols that he just couldn't

663
00:29:08,003 --> 00:29:11,003
figure out and went,
"They must be brackets."

664
00:29:11,003 --> 00:29:12,762
It's a nice thought that, isn't it?

665
00:29:12,762 --> 00:29:15,682
But what "Ole, hate" is about,
I don't know.

666
00:29:15,682 --> 00:29:17,730
It's an early football chant.

667
00:29:19,532 --> 00:29:22,562
Yeah, the mysterious Runemo ruins
turned out to be

668
00:29:22,562 --> 00:29:24,172
a load of old cracks.

669
00:29:24,172 --> 00:29:26,962
Now, we're off to the match
and it's penalty time.

670
00:29:26,962 --> 00:29:29,272
For the best chance of success,
where should you aim?

671
00:29:29,272 --> 00:29:30,532
At the ball.

672
00:29:30,532 --> 00:29:32,532
LAUGHTER

673
00:29:32,532 --> 00:29:34,842
And then into the goal. Wahey!

674
00:29:34,842 --> 00:29:37,612
I'm so bad at sport,
my inclination would be to...

675
00:29:37,612 --> 00:29:38,892
I know where I'd hit it,

676
00:29:38,892 --> 00:29:41,202
so I would then just reverse
my natural inclination.

677
00:29:41,202 --> 00:29:42,812
That would probably be the best.

678
00:29:42,812 --> 00:29:45,253
So, a bit of game theory going on,
on yourself? Yes.

679
00:29:45,253 --> 00:29:47,762
Yeah. See, I'd go top right,

680
00:29:47,762 --> 00:29:50,522
which means that probably
the best way would be bottom left...

681
00:29:50,522 --> 00:29:53,123
KLAXON

682
00:29:53,123 --> 00:29:55,162
Yeah, top corner either way
is not the best.

683
00:29:55,162 --> 00:29:56,842
Is it "at the goalie?"

684
00:29:56,842 --> 00:29:58,172
Yes.

685
00:29:58,172 --> 00:30:00,722
Because he's going to jump...
Yeah, because he's going to...

686
00:30:00,722 --> 00:30:03,243
He's going to go. Because
the goalkeeper nearly always

687
00:30:03,243 --> 00:30:06,082
goes one way or the other. So you
hit it straight down the middle?

688
00:30:06,082 --> 00:30:08,003
Straight down the middle
is, far and away,

689
00:30:08,003 --> 00:30:10,632
the most statistical
likely way of doing it.

690
00:30:10,632 --> 00:30:13,842
But it's odd, because
footballers know this...

691
00:30:13,842 --> 00:30:16,922
because it's been, you know,
obviously well gone over...

692
00:30:16,922 --> 00:30:18,993
and yet footballers don't.

693
00:30:18,993 --> 00:30:21,352
Is it because they just think
they'd look so stupid

694
00:30:21,352 --> 00:30:23,562
if they kicked it
right at the keeper... Yes!

695
00:30:23,562 --> 00:30:25,123
..and the keeper just caught it?

696
00:30:25,123 --> 00:30:27,272
If the one or two times
out of 100,

697
00:30:27,272 --> 00:30:29,542
the goalkeeper does actually
stay in the middle

698
00:30:29,542 --> 00:30:31,003
and the ball goes and hits him,

699
00:30:31,003 --> 00:30:32,982
the crowd would
just boo their heads off

700
00:30:32,982 --> 00:30:35,772
and think that the penalty taker
is the biggest idiot in the world.

701
00:30:35,772 --> 00:30:38,532
Although, statistically, he was
doing exactly the right thing.

702
00:30:38,532 --> 00:30:41,172
So, they'd rather not look a fool.
You're absolutely right.

703
00:30:41,172 --> 00:30:42,572
Because it's seen as 50/50.

704
00:30:42,572 --> 00:30:44,612
If the goalie goes the correct way
and saves it,

705
00:30:44,612 --> 00:30:46,802
it's still seen as all right,
isn't it? Yes.

706
00:30:46,802 --> 00:30:49,562
In fact, it's 57% in one direction,

707
00:30:49,562 --> 00:30:52,172
41% in the other.

708
00:30:52,172 --> 00:30:54,442
Do you know which that might be?
Left. Left-right. Left?

709
00:30:54,442 --> 00:30:56,642
It's 57% left, yes.
Because you...

710
00:30:56,642 --> 00:30:58,682
They go left more often.
..use your right foot.

711
00:30:58,682 --> 00:31:00,182
And 2% in the middle.

712
00:31:00,182 --> 00:31:02,123
Three countries have an absolute

713
00:31:02,123 --> 00:31:04,842
0% success record
in penalty shoot-outs.

714
00:31:04,842 --> 00:31:06,722
They played two and lost two.

715
00:31:06,722 --> 00:31:09,082
San Marino? No, it's Gabon...

716
00:31:09,082 --> 00:31:11,972
Micronesia...Romania and Chile.

717
00:31:11,972 --> 00:31:15,602
But there's one country
that's taken part in more than two

718
00:31:15,602 --> 00:31:18,792
and has the worst record of all in
the world, apart from those three...

719
00:31:18,792 --> 00:31:21,792
Is it England?
..and it's England. Yeah.

720
00:31:21,792 --> 00:31:24,332
AUDIENCE GROANS
Why is that? What a surprise(!)

721
00:31:24,332 --> 00:31:26,003
We've only ever won one.

722
00:31:26,003 --> 00:31:27,892
We've won one out of eight.

723
00:31:27,892 --> 00:31:33,072
12.5% success rate - as opposed to
Germany, who've won 83% of theirs.

724
00:31:33,072 --> 00:31:34,402
Why is that then?

725
00:31:34,402 --> 00:31:36,712
Because, presumably,
all teams have access to that

726
00:31:36,712 --> 00:31:38,432
very simple statistical information.

727
00:31:38,432 --> 00:31:40,792
Is it just the fact that
it's now embedded in the psyche?

728
00:31:40,792 --> 00:31:43,442
FAUX GERMAN ACCENT:
"You are weak, mentally weak."

729
00:31:43,442 --> 00:31:44,892
LAUGHTER

730
00:31:44,892 --> 00:31:47,432
Do you think hypnotism would help?
Probably.

731
00:31:47,432 --> 00:31:50,402
Of the keeper. Of the keeper, yeah.
LAUGHTER

732
00:31:50,402 --> 00:31:52,182
Of the keeper, like...
LAUGHTER

733
00:31:52,182 --> 00:31:56,622
I think if it was me, I'd stand by
one post, feigning indifference...

734
00:31:56,622 --> 00:31:58,932
Having a fag.
..and, as they run up to take it,

735
00:31:58,932 --> 00:32:01,292
I would sprint to the other post...
LAUGHTER

736
00:32:01,292 --> 00:32:02,852
..surely distracting him

737
00:32:02,852 --> 00:32:05,292
and, if he did go that way,
it would hit me on the way past.

738
00:32:05,292 --> 00:32:06,622
LAUGHTER

739
00:32:06,622 --> 00:32:09,442
That would do it.
Yep, that's the plain truth.

740
00:32:09,442 --> 00:32:11,722
To be successful
in penalty shoot-outs,

741
00:32:11,722 --> 00:32:14,802
either go straight down the middle
or be German.

742
00:32:14,802 --> 00:32:15,892
LAUGHTER

743
00:32:15,892 --> 00:32:18,692
Do an impression of
the world's first mime.

744
00:32:18,692 --> 00:32:22,082
"Come back! I'm not supposed to
be saying anything. Come back!"

745
00:32:22,082 --> 00:32:25,362
Is it the one where you do...? Oh.

746
00:32:25,362 --> 00:32:27,263
They do the... Is it that one?

747
00:32:27,263 --> 00:32:31,212
KLAXON
Oh, they're all doing it.

748
00:32:31,212 --> 00:32:32,932
You're all doing activities.

749
00:32:32,932 --> 00:32:36,332
Where does the word "mime"
come from, do you imagine?

750
00:32:36,332 --> 00:32:39,512
"Twat in white gloves?" Mimic?
LAUGHTER

751
00:32:39,512 --> 00:32:42,282
Mimic, the same root
as the word mimic.

752
00:32:42,282 --> 00:32:43,682
You see...

753
00:32:43,682 --> 00:32:45,122
Mimesis. Yeah.

754
00:32:45,122 --> 00:32:48,133
Greek word meaning...
Yes, imitation. Imitation, yeah.

755
00:32:48,133 --> 00:32:52,062
But imitation doesn't stick to
physical movements, does it?

756
00:32:52,062 --> 00:32:55,812
No. So was it more like sort of
Rorius Bremnerus?

757
00:32:55,812 --> 00:32:57,572
It was acting,

758
00:32:57,572 --> 00:32:59,162
it was full-on acting.

759
00:32:59,162 --> 00:33:01,902
Speech and movement
and everything else.

760
00:33:01,902 --> 00:33:05,212
The world's first mime
was a fellow called Sophron,

761
00:33:05,212 --> 00:33:07,412
who was much admired by Plato,
amongst others.

762
00:33:07,412 --> 00:33:09,562
His audience don't seem
to like him very much.

763
00:33:09,562 --> 00:33:10,922
Well, no, that's...
LAUGHTER

764
00:33:10,922 --> 00:33:12,722
They're punching him.
No, I think...

765
00:33:12,722 --> 00:33:14,722
They're recreating
that night after Top Gear.

766
00:33:14,722 --> 00:33:17,902
LAUGHTER

767
00:33:17,902 --> 00:33:21,202
Very good.
APPLAUSE

768
00:33:21,202 --> 00:33:23,883
In Rome, mimes were pretty amazing.

769
00:33:23,883 --> 00:33:26,282
Women took the female parts,
which is just...

770
00:33:26,282 --> 00:33:27,782
Scandalous! Yeah.

771
00:33:27,782 --> 00:33:29,092
LAUGHTER

772
00:33:29,092 --> 00:33:32,532
Performers did not wear masks
or formal acting shoes.

773
00:33:32,532 --> 00:33:34,292
LAUGHTER

774
00:33:34,292 --> 00:33:35,572
Oh! Forfend!

775
00:33:35,572 --> 00:33:37,013
"My formal acting shoes."

776
00:33:37,013 --> 00:33:39,622
"What kind of formal acting shoes
would you wear?"

777
00:33:39,622 --> 00:33:42,013
The object...
Now you'll like this, Alan.

778
00:33:42,013 --> 00:33:44,362
The object was to get laughs,
no matter how obscene...

779
00:33:44,362 --> 00:33:46,342
LAUGHTER
..the jokes had to be.

780
00:33:46,342 --> 00:33:49,652
They all had a character called the
"stupidus," or fool, who was some...

781
00:33:49,652 --> 00:33:53,332
Who's actually the cleverest one
of them all. Yes. Now, exactly.

782
00:33:53,332 --> 00:33:54,722
LAUGHTER

783
00:33:54,722 --> 00:33:56,883
Sometimes they featured
adultery live on stage.

784
00:33:56,883 --> 00:33:58,852
Wahey!

785
00:33:58,852 --> 00:34:01,652
Or a little bit less, less...
Gets better by the minute!

786
00:34:01,652 --> 00:34:02,852
Less amusingly,

787
00:34:02,852 --> 00:34:06,982
Iive executions with actors
replaced by condemned criminals.

788
00:34:06,982 --> 00:34:10,052
Were they wearing the right shoes?
Yes.

789
00:34:10,052 --> 00:34:13,442
The church excommunicated all mimes
in the fifth century AD.

790
00:34:13,442 --> 00:34:15,522
Not a moment too soon.

791
00:34:15,522 --> 00:34:19,162
Why? I guess, because they
were pleasurable and...

792
00:34:19,162 --> 00:34:20,972
It's not why, it's...

793
00:34:20,972 --> 00:34:24,442
It's hard because you can't scream.
LAUGHTER

794
00:34:24,442 --> 00:34:28,052
Marcel Marceau of course is
the famous French mime

795
00:34:28,052 --> 00:34:30,412
with his character Bip.
Bip on the left.

796
00:34:30,412 --> 00:34:32,883
And he's hardly
recognisable as a man himself.

797
00:34:32,883 --> 00:34:36,282
Has he been excommunicated?
I don't think he has.

798
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:38,722
He did a sketch called
walking in the wind,

799
00:34:38,722 --> 00:34:40,852
and do you know who was
influenced by that?

800
00:34:40,852 --> 00:34:43,162
The people of East Anglia.

801
00:34:43,162 --> 00:34:45,202
Charlie Chaplin.
The people of East Anglia.

802
00:34:45,202 --> 00:34:47,642
No, not Charlie Chaplin.
It's Michael Jackson.

803
00:34:47,642 --> 00:34:50,692
Moonwalking was essentially derived
from Marcel Marceau.

804
00:34:50,692 --> 00:34:52,722
Is that where the white
glove comes from?

805
00:34:52,722 --> 00:34:55,342
Like an homage to...
Maybe, yes.

806
00:34:55,342 --> 00:34:57,023
And the scary white face.

807
00:34:57,023 --> 00:35:00,299
LAUGHTER

808
00:35:03,332 --> 00:35:05,082
Very good.

809
00:35:05,082 --> 00:35:07,492
The first mimes had plenty
to say for themselves.

810
00:35:07,492 --> 00:35:10,883
If you want something,
what's the magic word?

811
00:35:10,883 --> 00:35:12,602
"Darling..."

812
00:35:12,602 --> 00:35:14,642
LAUGHTER

813
00:35:14,642 --> 00:35:16,642
"Please."

814
00:35:16,642 --> 00:35:18,732
KLAXON

815
00:35:18,732 --> 00:35:20,932
LAUGHTER

816
00:35:20,932 --> 00:35:23,972
This is something
that's been researched.

817
00:35:23,972 --> 00:35:25,412
There is a particular word.

818
00:35:25,412 --> 00:35:27,572
Let's suppose that you queue-barge.

819
00:35:27,572 --> 00:35:32,722
Now, in general, if you queue-barge
apologetically and charmingly,

820
00:35:32,722 --> 00:35:35,602
60% of people will let you in
without too much complaint -

821
00:35:35,602 --> 00:35:38,362
this was done for a queue
to a photocopier -

822
00:35:38,362 --> 00:35:41,342
but if you used this one word
in your sentence,

823
00:35:41,342 --> 00:35:44,162
you would get 95% of people
letting you in quite happily.

824
00:35:44,162 --> 00:35:47,292
Smallpox?
LAUGHTER

825
00:35:47,292 --> 00:35:50,172
Letting you in... "I've got
the smallpox. Can I get in?"

826
00:35:50,172 --> 00:35:52,412
Letting you in,
not abandoning the queue.

827
00:35:52,412 --> 00:35:54,893
It's a good thought though.
It's probably better though.

828
00:35:54,893 --> 00:35:56,652
"Unclean, unclean." What do you say?

829
00:35:56,652 --> 00:35:59,442
Do you say, "Room for a small one?"

830
00:35:59,442 --> 00:36:01,572
You say, "I like your blouse.
Can I come in?"

831
00:36:01,572 --> 00:36:04,013
LAUGHTER
It's one word.

832
00:36:04,013 --> 00:36:06,092
"Because.

833
00:36:06,092 --> 00:36:09,242
"Because. Yeah, because I've got
some photocopying to do."

834
00:36:09,242 --> 00:36:11,602
And it's obvious
you've got photocopying to do,

835
00:36:11,602 --> 00:36:13,852
you've gone to the front
of the photocopying queue,

836
00:36:13,852 --> 00:36:16,412
but just saying "because"
is the magic word. You can't...

837
00:36:16,412 --> 00:36:18,692
It unlocks people's objection.
"Because I'm in a hurry."

838
00:36:18,692 --> 00:36:20,282
"Do you mind?
Because I'm in a hurry."

839
00:36:20,282 --> 00:36:22,652
Can you turn to someone
and go, "Because!"

840
00:36:22,652 --> 00:36:24,342
LAUGHTER
Maybe.

841
00:36:24,342 --> 00:36:26,502
# Because, because,
because, because... #

842
00:36:26,502 --> 00:36:28,502
Obviously there are...

843
00:36:28,502 --> 00:36:31,013
There are variables
in terms of attitude and niceness.

844
00:36:31,013 --> 00:36:33,102
# I'm off to see the wizard... #

845
00:36:33,102 --> 00:36:34,252
"Because!"

846
00:36:34,252 --> 00:36:36,502
"All right, go in front, Christ!"

847
00:36:36,502 --> 00:36:37,862
LAUGHTER

848
00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:41,572
He's going to do the whole musical.
You're ever so silly. Oh, dear.

849
00:36:41,572 --> 00:36:45,492
# The wonderful Wizard of Oz... #
"All right, go in front of me!"

850
00:36:45,492 --> 00:36:47,652
Well, I can illustrate
the answer, actually,

851
00:36:47,652 --> 00:36:49,893
because - say it's
a magical word here, this is...

852
00:36:49,893 --> 00:36:52,292
You know I like to do little
magical moments... I know.

853
00:36:52,292 --> 00:36:53,812
..because it's the M series here -

854
00:36:53,812 --> 00:36:55,883
and we've got,
as you can see, MAGICAL.

855
00:36:55,883 --> 00:36:59,212
So, what we do is, we take
all the letters from MAGICAL...

856
00:36:59,212 --> 00:37:00,602
As you can see, I hope.

857
00:37:00,602 --> 00:37:02,212
..and we shuffle them about.

858
00:37:02,212 --> 00:37:04,502
I'll have one
from the bottom, please. Well...

859
00:37:04,502 --> 00:37:06,602
Or from anywhere else,
please, Carol.

860
00:37:06,602 --> 00:37:09,162
What I'll do is, I'll give you...
I'll give you the numbers,

861
00:37:09,162 --> 00:37:12,082
so you can call out where
you want the letter to go.

862
00:37:12,082 --> 00:37:13,572
Do you see? OK. Yes, sir.

863
00:37:13,572 --> 00:37:16,652
So I'll pick a letter up and you
decide where it goes, all right.

864
00:37:16,652 --> 00:37:18,133
Three. Three?

865
00:37:18,133 --> 00:37:20,962
One, two, three,
isn't it? There. Yeah.

866
00:37:20,962 --> 00:37:22,362
Smooth. Seven.

867
00:37:22,362 --> 00:37:24,602
Seven? All right.
This will go in seven.

868
00:37:24,602 --> 00:37:27,522
Are you sure seven? Five.
All right, OK. Five.

869
00:37:27,522 --> 00:37:29,202
One, two, three, four, five. Yeah.

870
00:37:29,202 --> 00:37:30,572
One. One, oh...

871
00:37:30,572 --> 00:37:33,302
This is what happens
when you do these things. Four.

872
00:37:33,302 --> 00:37:36,532
Four? Oh, God, you had to do that,
didn't you?

873
00:37:36,532 --> 00:37:38,013
Yeah? Two. Two.

874
00:37:38,013 --> 00:37:39,972
Two? All right,
all right, all right.

875
00:37:39,972 --> 00:37:42,102
And what are the chances?
What are the chances?

876
00:37:42,102 --> 00:37:44,522
What are the chances?!

877
00:37:44,522 --> 00:37:49,858
APPLAUSE

878
00:37:51,492 --> 00:37:54,422
The laws of physics
absolutely defied on this programme.

879
00:37:54,422 --> 00:37:56,372
It's frightening.
LAUGHTER

880
00:37:56,372 --> 00:37:58,932
Now - since this whole show
has been about Misconceptions -

881
00:37:58,932 --> 00:38:01,292
this week, we've replaced
General Ignorance

882
00:38:01,292 --> 00:38:04,802
with a test of your
M-themed general knowledge.

883
00:38:04,802 --> 00:38:07,842
There are lots and lots of points
to be won in this quickfire round,

884
00:38:07,842 --> 00:38:09,282
so fingers on buzzers.

885
00:38:09,282 --> 00:38:11,532
What's the capital of Mexico?
BUZZARD

886
00:38:11,532 --> 00:38:13,322
Mexico City.

887
00:38:13,322 --> 00:38:16,422
Is the right answer. Very good.
Name the deepest part of the ocean?

888
00:38:16,422 --> 00:38:18,242
BUZZARD
Yes? The Mariana...

889
00:38:18,242 --> 00:38:19,652
Marianas Trench or something?

890
00:38:19,652 --> 00:38:21,732
The Mariana Trench
is the right answer.

891
00:38:21,732 --> 00:38:23,572
If something is genuine,
it's the real...?

892
00:38:23,572 --> 00:38:25,222
BUZZER
McCoy.

893
00:38:25,222 --> 00:38:27,522
Oh.
KLAXON

894
00:38:27,522 --> 00:38:28,962
LAUGHTER

895
00:38:28,962 --> 00:38:31,062
No, the original phrase is McKay.

896
00:38:31,062 --> 00:38:33,962
That's 42 years older than
the phrase - "the real McCoy."

897
00:38:33,962 --> 00:38:37,422
It's from G McKay,
the Scottish distillers.

898
00:38:37,422 --> 00:38:38,772
There you are.

899
00:38:38,772 --> 00:38:41,242
FAUX SCOTTISH ACCENT: "A drappie
o' the real McKay."

900
00:38:41,242 --> 00:38:44,212
So, what city can be found
on the Moscow River?

901
00:38:44,212 --> 00:38:46,013
BUZZER
Yes? Moscow.

902
00:38:46,013 --> 00:38:47,772
Is the right answer!

903
00:38:47,772 --> 00:38:49,652
What's the name of
Cameron Mackintosh's

904
00:38:49,652 --> 00:38:51,522
Abba-themed London Musical?

905
00:38:51,522 --> 00:38:53,492
BUZZARD
Yes? Mamma Mia.

906
00:38:53,492 --> 00:38:55,682
BUZZER
Mamma Mia? Oh, Alan!

907
00:38:55,682 --> 00:38:57,862
KLAXON

908
00:38:57,862 --> 00:39:00,542
No, indeed.
BUZZER

909
00:39:00,542 --> 00:39:02,332
Mamma Mia was produced
by Judy Craymer -

910
00:39:02,332 --> 00:39:05,252
but, before that,
a musical called Abbacadabra,

911
00:39:05,252 --> 00:39:06,942
produced by Cameron Mackintosh,

912
00:39:06,942 --> 00:39:11,143
staged at the Lyric, Hammersmith,
in 1983. Oh! Yeah.

913
00:39:11,143 --> 00:39:13,023
So, who created Miss Marple?

914
00:39:13,023 --> 00:39:15,023
BUZZER
Yes?

915
00:39:15,023 --> 00:39:16,153
Agatha Christie.

916
00:39:16,153 --> 00:39:19,013
Of course. You see, nothing to be
frightened of. I'm scared now.

917
00:39:19,013 --> 00:39:20,812
LAUGHTER
That's the point...

918
00:39:20,812 --> 00:39:23,023
I'm really scared.
..we want you scared.

919
00:39:23,023 --> 00:39:25,502
Agatha Christie, of course,
created Miss Marple.

920
00:39:25,502 --> 00:39:27,682
What's the gambling
capital of the world?

921
00:39:27,682 --> 00:39:30,292
BUZZER
Yes? Las Vegas.

922
00:39:30,292 --> 00:39:33,143
Oh!
KLAXON

923
00:39:33,143 --> 00:39:35,972
Oh, that was really unlucky.
I don't know.

924
00:39:35,972 --> 00:39:38,332
Is it Croydon? Dubai? "Croydon."
LAUGHTER

925
00:39:38,332 --> 00:39:40,332
It's seven times bigger
than Las Vegas.

926
00:39:40,332 --> 00:39:42,662
BUZZER
It's Hong Kong.

927
00:39:42,662 --> 00:39:44,532
No. You're in the right area.
The other one.

928
00:39:44,532 --> 00:39:46,372
What's our themed letter? M. M...

929
00:39:46,372 --> 00:39:48,372
AUDIENCE CALL OUT: Macau.

930
00:39:48,372 --> 00:39:50,682
Audience gets the points.
BUZZER

931
00:39:50,682 --> 00:39:51,862
APPLAUSE

932
00:39:51,862 --> 00:39:54,612
I guessed on your behalf.
It's Macau. Macau. Is it really?

933
00:39:54,612 --> 00:39:57,252
Yes. Where's your sheep, though?
Hey!

934
00:39:57,252 --> 00:40:00,092
It's Ma-cow. Here's me cow.

935
00:40:00,092 --> 00:40:01,852
LAUGHTER

936
00:40:01,852 --> 00:40:04,502
Very, very, very, very... Me cow.

937
00:40:04,502 --> 00:40:06,252
..very amusing!

938
00:40:06,252 --> 00:40:08,532
LAUGHTER

939
00:40:08,532 --> 00:40:10,862
Macau is the gambling capital
of the world.

940
00:40:10,862 --> 00:40:12,372
Where's your cow?

941
00:40:12,372 --> 00:40:14,222
Which planet is closest to the sun?

942
00:40:14,222 --> 00:40:16,602
BUZZER
Mercury.

943
00:40:16,602 --> 00:40:18,662
Is of course the right answer.

944
00:40:18,662 --> 00:40:22,013
How long do mayflies live for?
BUZZER

945
00:40:22,013 --> 00:40:23,852
17 hours.

946
00:40:23,852 --> 00:40:26,013
Oh, no.
BUZZER

947
00:40:26,013 --> 00:40:28,292
That's a good answer.
You didn't say a day.

948
00:40:28,292 --> 00:40:30,042
No, it's not a day and it's not...

949
00:40:30,042 --> 00:40:32,013
BUZZER
Ages.

950
00:40:32,013 --> 00:40:33,492
Ages is the right answer.

951
00:40:33,492 --> 00:40:35,732
No, up to four years. Four years?!

952
00:40:35,732 --> 00:40:38,242
This is nonsense. Not in that form.

953
00:40:38,242 --> 00:40:40,232
But from the larva all
the way through.

954
00:40:40,232 --> 00:40:42,023
They have a long, long lifespan.

955
00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:45,222
So they're in their adult
form for 17...

956
00:40:45,222 --> 00:40:48,292
Yes, for a day.
A day and they're kids for...

957
00:40:48,292 --> 00:40:50,692
As juveniles, they have a long,
long time.

958
00:40:50,692 --> 00:40:52,252
That's double a hamster.

959
00:40:52,252 --> 00:40:54,823
I'm going to get those
beauties for my kids.

960
00:40:55,773 --> 00:40:58,532
"Oh, lovely mayfly."

961
00:40:58,532 --> 00:41:01,252
Your last chance for lots of points
is a picture round.

962
00:41:01,252 --> 00:41:05,302
Please draw a picture of
a juvenile fruit fly brain.

963
00:41:07,742 --> 00:41:09,972
A juvenile fruit fly brain?

964
00:41:09,972 --> 00:41:11,512
Yes, indeed.

965
00:41:11,512 --> 00:41:12,942
All right.

966
00:41:12,942 --> 00:41:14,692
I'll wager...

967
00:41:14,692 --> 00:41:16,742
that it doesn't have one.

968
00:41:16,742 --> 00:41:19,532
LAUGHTER

969
00:41:19,532 --> 00:41:21,102
I'm going to do it...

970
00:41:21,102 --> 00:41:22,462
So, we've already got...

971
00:41:22,462 --> 00:41:25,612
We've got there, from
Chris's juvenile fruit fly brain

972
00:41:25,612 --> 00:41:28,452
to scale. I've done a banana.
What have you drawn?

973
00:41:28,452 --> 00:41:29,773
You've got a strawberry.

974
00:41:29,773 --> 00:41:31,773
Well, the shattering news
for you, Alan -

975
00:41:31,773 --> 00:41:33,382
and it really is disappointing -

976
00:41:33,382 --> 00:41:36,013
is that, for once, what you
usually draw could have worked.

977
00:41:36,013 --> 00:41:38,692
What, it's like... It's a cock
and balls!..a cock and balls?

978
00:41:38,692 --> 00:41:40,692
No! Yes!
LAUGHTER

979
00:41:40,692 --> 00:41:42,057
There they are.

980
00:41:43,222 --> 00:41:44,942
WHISTLING

981
00:41:44,942 --> 00:41:46,572
You see, the one time you didn't.

982
00:41:46,572 --> 00:41:49,732
The one time you behaved.
Oh, you did?

983
00:41:49,732 --> 00:41:51,652
Before the show. Before the show.

984
00:41:51,652 --> 00:41:53,052
Before the show? I see.

985
00:41:53,052 --> 00:41:55,773
We got the cock and balls
out of our system before the show.

986
00:41:55,773 --> 00:41:57,893
LAUGHTER
We got that out of the way.

987
00:41:57,893 --> 00:42:00,382
First thing you do when you arrive.
Do the cock and balls.

988
00:42:00,382 --> 00:42:02,893
Do the cock and balls, then you
won't make a fool of yourself

989
00:42:02,893 --> 00:42:04,962
by drawing a cock and balls
on the programme.

990
00:42:04,962 --> 00:42:07,052
Well, on that cock-shell,
let's take a look at...

991
00:42:07,052 --> 00:42:08,402
LAUGHTER

992
00:42:08,402 --> 00:42:10,042
Let's take a look at the scores.

993
00:42:10,042 --> 00:42:12,862
It's pretty exciting,
because we have a clear winner,

994
00:42:12,862 --> 00:42:14,522
on a staggering...

995
00:42:14,522 --> 00:42:16,402
plus - and minus - zero,

996
00:42:16,402 --> 00:42:19,732
is Chris Addison.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

997
00:42:19,732 --> 00:42:21,402
How?

998
00:42:21,402 --> 00:42:23,582
In second place...

999
00:42:23,582 --> 00:42:26,302
with a highly impressive minus six,

1000
00:42:26,302 --> 00:42:30,942
Sue Perkins.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1001
00:42:30,942 --> 00:42:33,972
Usually this would be good enough
to win the wooden spoon, Sara,

1002
00:42:33,972 --> 00:42:37,662
it's a brilliant first appearance
to get minus 13...

1003
00:42:37,662 --> 00:42:40,052
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1004
00:42:40,052 --> 00:42:44,222
..but it takes an old hand to do
really, really badly at this game,

1005
00:42:44,222 --> 00:42:47,372
Alan Davies on minus 54! 54?!

1006
00:42:47,372 --> 00:42:49,499
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1007
00:42:53,582 --> 00:42:57,042
So it's thank you
from Sara, Chris, Sue, Alan and me.

1008
00:42:57,042 --> 00:42:59,612
And I leave you with
this from Charlie Brown.

1009
00:42:59,612 --> 00:43:04,452
"Sometimes I lie awake at night and
I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'

1010
00:43:04,452 --> 00:43:06,452
"Then a voice says to me,

1011
00:43:06,452 --> 00:43:09,412
" 'This is going to take
more than one night.' "

1012
00:43:09,412 --> 00:43:11,732
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.

1013
00:43:11,732 --> 00:43:14,303
APPLAUSE