1 00:00:23,820 --> 00:00:28,380 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,660 --> 00:00:37,060 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to QI, 3 00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:39,700 where this week the name of the game is Naming Names. 4 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:41,860 There's an old Chinese proverb that says, 5 00:00:41,860 --> 00:00:45,500 "The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names." 6 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:48,740 So let's get off on the right foot by naming my guests. 7 00:00:48,740 --> 00:00:51,780 A household name - Romesh Ranganathan. 8 00:00:51,780 --> 00:00:53,980 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:56,740 --> 00:01:00,100 A rose by any other name - Cariad Lloyd. 10 00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:02,420 - Ahh! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:05,180 --> 00:01:08,380 A name to conjure with - Phill Jupitus. 12 00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:10,420 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:15,780 And old what's-his-name - 14 00:01:15,780 --> 00:01:16,980 Alan Davies! 15 00:01:16,980 --> 00:01:18,940 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:27,420 So, this week, their buzzers are their porn names, OK? 17 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,660 So that's... If you've not played that game, 18 00:01:29,660 --> 00:01:32,980 it's the first pet's name and mother's maiden name. 19 00:01:32,980 --> 00:01:34,540 So Phill goes... 20 00:01:34,540 --> 00:01:36,060 BASS RIFF 21 00:01:36,060 --> 00:01:39,180 GRAVELLY MALE VOICE: 'Hi, it's Schroeder Swan.' 22 00:01:43,820 --> 00:01:45,100 That's quite sexy. Very sexy. 23 00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,860 I don't know how much you paid that bloke, 24 00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:49,780 but I'd have done that for nothing. 25 00:01:49,780 --> 00:01:52,140 - And more convincingly. - Well... - That sounded like you found 26 00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:55,060 an asthmatic tramp on the South Bank out there. 27 00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:57,380 - What was the name? - Schroeder Swan. 28 00:01:57,380 --> 00:01:58,660 Oh, yes. No, that's very good. 29 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:01,620 Schroeder, Schroeder was a spiteful pub dog. 30 00:02:01,620 --> 00:02:03,060 Right. 31 00:02:03,060 --> 00:02:05,100 He used to attack Jock, our barman. 32 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:08,100 You had your own barman? I don't want to know. 33 00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:09,980 We haven't started the show yet. 34 00:02:09,980 --> 00:02:11,500 Cariad goes... 35 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:12,780 BASS RIFF 36 00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:15,700 SULTRY FEMALE VOICE: 'Hello. I'm Snuffy. 37 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,100 'Snuffy Storey.' 38 00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:23,220 - And... - It does, though, mean you can now... 39 00:02:23,220 --> 00:02:25,500 You can access my bank account, I think. 40 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,820 - That is a very, very specific kind of porn right there. - Mm-hm. Yeah. 41 00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:32,620 Romesh goes... 42 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,260 BASS RIFF 43 00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:37,700 REEDY VOICE: 'Oh, hello. It's Goldie Silveragi.' 44 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,980 CARIAD: Why didn't you get a sexy voice? 45 00:02:42,980 --> 00:02:45,060 - Why've - I - been given that one? 46 00:02:45,060 --> 00:02:47,180 It's quite camp. 47 00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:48,620 And Alan goes... 48 00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:51,140 MUSIC: You're the First, the Last, My Everything by Barry White 49 00:02:51,140 --> 00:02:53,780 NORTHERN VOICE: 'Ey up, it's Nobby Stiles!' 50 00:02:53,780 --> 00:02:55,740 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 51 00:03:00,340 --> 00:03:04,500 I have to say, Nobby Stiles is a very good porn name, isn't it? 52 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:10,380 It suggests a certain... It's very farming-specific, isn't it? 53 00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:13,060 I'm not really good with my hands but... "Nobby" Stiles! 54 00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:19,340 Now, here's my first, very simple question. 55 00:03:19,340 --> 00:03:21,100 Who is offended by what? 56 00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:24,340 Oh, God, everybody by everything. 57 00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:25,900 Yes, well, there is that. 58 00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:30,420 Anybody who reads a tweet and doesn't understand it immediately 59 00:03:30,420 --> 00:03:32,100 - is offended by it. - Yeah. 60 00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:34,780 - Do you tweet? - I do tweet. Yeah, I do. - Right. 61 00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:39,020 But I'm often scared to tweet about anything that's, you know... 62 00:03:39,020 --> 00:03:40,900 - controversial. - What do you do? 63 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,820 Just the colour beige, or...? 64 00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:46,500 No, just like Emojis and, like, GIFs of Japanese girls 65 00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,740 - cutting hairs with crab hands. - Right. 66 00:03:48,740 --> 00:03:50,940 ROMESH: Well, that's... 67 00:03:50,940 --> 00:03:54,580 The problem is with Twitter, even if you choose something, like, 68 00:03:54,580 --> 00:03:58,060 that you think is really innocent and can't be offensive, it can be. 69 00:03:58,060 --> 00:04:00,140 You tweet about porridge and somebody goes, 70 00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:03,060 "Well, actually, I had a porridge-related incident 71 00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:05,340 "many years ago and actually I find it highly offensive. 72 00:04:05,340 --> 00:04:07,980 "I can't believe you'd even not bother to consider the feelings 73 00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:10,180 "of people that had Ready Brek-related incidents 74 00:04:10,180 --> 00:04:11,580 "in their childhood." 75 00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:14,860 - Is that, then, @ThreeBears? Is that the sort of...? - Yeah. 76 00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:20,100 APPLAUSE 77 00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:26,020 It's not Twitter-related, so it's more to do with who. 78 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:28,300 - "Who is offended by what?" - Yes. 79 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:30,700 Um...Doctor offended by Daleks. 80 00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:32,340 Er, doctor is the right area. 81 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,740 - But not Doctor Who. - Oh. 82 00:04:34,740 --> 00:04:36,300 It is to do with doctors. 83 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:38,300 Generally medical practitioners? 84 00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,220 It is a large organisation. 85 00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:41,740 Think of it as an acronym. 86 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:43,660 World Health Organization. 87 00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:46,140 The World Health Organization. Absolutely right. 88 00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:48,020 And they're offended by What 89 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:51,540 which is the World Health Annual... 90 00:04:51,540 --> 00:04:54,260 - CARIAD: Trust? - ROMESH: ..Transportation convention. 91 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:55,620 No. 92 00:04:55,620 --> 00:05:00,860 They are worried that scientists are naming diseases that offend people 93 00:05:00,860 --> 00:05:02,980 and that, indeed, we've done this too much in the past. 94 00:05:02,980 --> 00:05:06,780 So, for example, Spanish flu would be a good example. 95 00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:09,900 It affects people in Spain, possibly, and tourism. 96 00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:12,460 People might think, if you go to Spain, you'll get Spanish flu. 97 00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:13,700 Legionnaires' disease. 98 00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:15,220 There's not a legionnaire in the world 99 00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:17,820 not been distressed by the thought. 100 00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:19,860 Oh, I know one, Essex wind. 101 00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:25,380 It's awful, innit, Phill? 102 00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,420 Terrible. It blows right up your Thames corridor. 103 00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:32,020 Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which I imagine... 104 00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:34,740 I don't know who that would offend. People called Creutzfeldt? 105 00:05:34,740 --> 00:05:37,380 Jakob Creutzfeldt, I would imagine, very offended. 106 00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:38,980 Swine flu, apparently. 107 00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:41,700 Very offensive to people who work with, I don't know, pigs. 108 00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:44,140 - Mrs Swine. - Mrs Swine? - Mrs Swine is upset about it. 109 00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:47,020 I'm very keen on paralytic shellfish 110 00:05:47,020 --> 00:05:51,660 which I could only imagine would offend prawns that drink too much, 111 00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:52,740 right? 112 00:05:52,740 --> 00:05:55,460 I can't see how anyone would be offended by that. Apparently... 113 00:05:55,460 --> 00:05:57,900 Staggering home sideways, crabs, hey? 114 00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:00,900 Paralytic. 115 00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:05,300 I'll be honest, I don't see how you get crabs 116 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:08,180 if you're staggering sideways but... 117 00:06:08,180 --> 00:06:10,020 I'm doing a crab playing the piano, 118 00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:12,860 I don't know why I'm doing that with my fingers. 119 00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:16,020 Why am I doing that with my fingers? It's that, isn't it? 120 00:06:17,700 --> 00:06:21,500 The kind of idea is you're trying to minimise unnecessary distress. 121 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:24,100 So, for example, if you called something sudden death syndrome, 122 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,300 that's just too frightening. 123 00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:28,020 Hold on a sec. If you're about to die imminently, 124 00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:30,900 you can't just say something cuddly so they're not offended. 125 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:32,980 - No. - If they're going to die in the next 20 minutes, 126 00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:35,780 - you can't just go, "You've just got the chills"... - Yeah. 127 00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:37,540 ..because you don't want them to be upset. 128 00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:38,700 No, but here's the thing, 129 00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:40,820 doctors have certain acronyms, and I love these. 130 00:06:40,820 --> 00:06:42,020 There's SBI, 131 00:06:42,020 --> 00:06:43,500 which is "something bad inside". 132 00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:45,820 And it means the doctor knows there's something wrong, 133 00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:47,820 not entirely sure what it is. 134 00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:50,260 SVBI - "something VERY bad inside". 135 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,980 Again, don't know what it is, but it'll definitely kill you. 136 00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:55,220 Which I like. 137 00:06:55,220 --> 00:06:57,740 There's loads for fat people. There's CBT, 138 00:06:57,740 --> 00:06:59,820 which is "chronic biscuit toxicity". 139 00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:05,380 The other best one for fat people is BW. 140 00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:06,740 "Beached whale". 141 00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:09,100 AUDIENCE GROANS 142 00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,140 And my favourite acronym, PRATFO. 143 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:12,900 "Patient reassured and told to F off". 144 00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:17,420 APPLAUSE 145 00:07:19,580 --> 00:07:22,500 There used to be loads of occupational diseases. 146 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,420 Certain diseases that were entirely... 147 00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:25,900 Miners' cough. 148 00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:27,100 Yeah, miners' lung. 149 00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:28,780 Joggers' nipple. 150 00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:30,220 Joggers' nipple, yes. 151 00:07:30,220 --> 00:07:33,700 The very first one ever was chimney-sweep's scrotum. 152 00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:38,100 - What?! - Yep. Chimney-sweep's scrotum. - What...? 153 00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:40,500 Well, he should put the fire out! 154 00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:42,540 LAUGHING: Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus! 155 00:07:42,540 --> 00:07:44,340 Bagpiper's fungus is a terrible thing. 156 00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:47,020 It's apparently if you don't clean the bagpipes, 157 00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:49,140 you can get a sort of horrible microbe. 158 00:07:49,140 --> 00:07:53,420 Imagine getting a fungus from an instrument that makes that noise. 159 00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:54,820 Do you know what I mean? 160 00:07:54,820 --> 00:07:57,180 Sounds like it's trying to kill you anyway, doesn't it? 161 00:07:57,180 --> 00:08:01,260 I've seen all these things listed outside a flat in Amsterdam. 162 00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:06,620 Is chimney-sweep's scrotum because once they're up there 163 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,340 and if you poke the sweep up...? 164 00:08:09,340 --> 00:08:10,900 I'm just guessing. 165 00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:12,420 Poor Dick Van Dyke. 166 00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:17,780 AS DICK VAN DYKE: "Oh, Mary Poppins, 167 00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:20,900 "me scrotum's playing me up something rotten. 168 00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:24,540 "Step in time! 169 00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:29,260 "ARRRRGH!" 170 00:08:29,260 --> 00:08:32,780 That was the subplot they never managed in the film. 171 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,660 ♪ A spoonful of... ♪ 172 00:08:34,660 --> 00:08:39,820 That's why they're all doing that! That's why they're all doing that! 173 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,060 APPLAUSE 174 00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:50,540 Do you think he was in too much pain to do the accent properly? 175 00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:56,140 So, anyway. Can you tell me what this bird's name is? 176 00:08:57,220 --> 00:08:59,060 Is it a wagtail? 177 00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,580 It is not a wag... 178 00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:02,460 What I really want is I want its actual name. 179 00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:05,020 Is it Phillip, Jeremy, Mabel? 180 00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:08,460 Well, to assist you, you have some bird whistles beside you. 181 00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:09,740 - Ooh! - Yeah. 182 00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:12,500 See if you can come up with the actual name. 183 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:14,820 HE PLAYS A TRILL 184 00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,620 Oh. That's better than mine. 185 00:09:16,620 --> 00:09:18,580 SHE PLAYS LIKE A CLANGER 186 00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:20,980 Oh, here we go. "..said Tiny Clanger." 187 00:09:20,980 --> 00:09:23,020 Oh, you've got lots of different ones. 188 00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:25,140 CARIAD CONTINUES PLAYING 189 00:09:25,140 --> 00:09:26,420 ALAN PUFFS 190 00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:27,660 HE LAUGHS 191 00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,580 The famous calling sound of a goose with asthma. 192 00:09:35,740 --> 00:09:37,740 THEY PLAY A CLANGER CONVERSATION 193 00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:38,860 What is going on? 194 00:09:39,940 --> 00:09:41,500 What are you doing? 195 00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:43,420 It's just my ears popped. 196 00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:47,980 HONKING CALL 197 00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:49,460 Is that a duck call? 198 00:09:49,460 --> 00:09:51,660 It's supposed to be a duck. A duck call. Sounds like a... 199 00:09:51,660 --> 00:09:52,980 HALF-HONK AND PUFFING 200 00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:57,740 Try the littlie. 201 00:09:57,740 --> 00:09:59,620 HONKING CALL Hang on! 202 00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:02,100 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 203 00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:06,940 Well... THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE 204 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,580 ..it could be any one of these tunes. 205 00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:09,940 Here is the extraordinary thing. 206 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,620 This bird is called - and this is such a lovely name - 207 00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:15,220 it's called a superb fairy-wren. 208 00:10:15,220 --> 00:10:17,220 Ah! Isn't that the sweetest thing? 209 00:10:17,220 --> 00:10:19,220 And every single nest has a family name. 210 00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:22,940 So it's like it has a surname, and the surname is given to the mother 211 00:10:22,940 --> 00:10:24,180 when the kids are all in the eggs 212 00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:25,860 and what she does is she lays the eggs 213 00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:28,220 and she waits for nine days and then she sits by the eggs 214 00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:31,020 and she starts singing a unique tune. So it might be... 215 00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:32,420 GASPING TWEETS 216 00:10:32,420 --> 00:10:34,060 ..better than that. 217 00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:37,060 What beautiful song does she sing, Sandi? 218 00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:40,260 UPBEAT TWITTERING 219 00:10:40,260 --> 00:10:42,860 THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE 220 00:10:55,980 --> 00:10:57,100 Can I...? 221 00:10:58,260 --> 00:11:01,180 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 222 00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:08,700 Basically, she sings the same tune every four minutes, 223 00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:10,420 over and over, for a week. 224 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:13,940 Now, I would imagine this drives the chicks in the eggs completely barmy. 225 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,340 My daughter does that with Let It Go. 226 00:11:16,340 --> 00:11:18,700 Oh, I hate that song. I can't be doing with it. 227 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:21,980 I didn't used to but, holy smokes, it's a test. 228 00:11:21,980 --> 00:11:24,340 Anyway, what happens is the chicks in the egg, 229 00:11:24,340 --> 00:11:26,700 they actually hear it and they commit it to memory, 230 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:29,700 and Mum and Dad and eggs, they all know the tune. It's a unique tune. 231 00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:31,420 ♪ Waterloo... ♪ 232 00:11:37,220 --> 00:11:39,140 I don't think there are lyrics. 233 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,580 What happens is she goes away and gets food, 234 00:11:42,580 --> 00:11:45,380 when she returns to the nest, she sings this particular tune 235 00:11:45,380 --> 00:11:47,700 that they all know and they have to sing it back to her 236 00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:49,740 and that way she can be absolutely sure 237 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:51,260 there isn't a cuckoo in the nest. 238 00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:55,260 So, they have, as it were, a surname just for that nest. 239 00:11:55,260 --> 00:11:57,220 - That is amazing. - That really is amazing. 240 00:11:57,220 --> 00:11:58,940 - But if they were people... - Yeah. 241 00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:01,380 ..how annoying would they be to have round for dinner? 242 00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:02,700 Unbelievably irritating. 243 00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:04,340 "Andrew, shall we do our song? 244 00:12:05,540 --> 00:12:08,060 "We all know this song, we've sung it from when we were children. 245 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,220 "Let's do it, shall we?" 246 00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,300 They're not even real, I'm going to leave! 247 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:12,820 I knew a family that did that. 248 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,900 They had a whistle and in the supermarket, 249 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,460 the mum would do a certain whistle and the kid would whistle back. 250 00:12:17,460 --> 00:12:20,260 No, darling, that's the Von Trapps. That's a film. 251 00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:23,020 They did, they had a whistle in the supermarket in case they got lost. 252 00:12:23,020 --> 00:12:25,260 My mum would summon me home by whistling. 253 00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:26,660 - Seriously? - Yeah. 254 00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:28,860 She taught me how to do it with the two fingers. 255 00:12:28,860 --> 00:12:30,140 HE WHISTLES LOUDLY 256 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:33,940 - Wow. - Now, I could hear that, er... 257 00:12:33,940 --> 00:12:35,260 three miles away. 258 00:12:35,260 --> 00:12:38,020 So me and me brother would be playing with mates 259 00:12:38,020 --> 00:12:40,180 and we'd be out all day and then, at tea-time, 260 00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:42,180 my mum would go out the back door and go... 261 00:12:42,180 --> 00:12:43,300 HE WHISTLES LOUDLY 262 00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,620 - And then we would... - Wow. That is a seriously good whistle. 263 00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:49,380 - We would come back. - One time, do you remember, we were in Manchester? 264 00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:52,380 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - And I had to get a train... - Yeah. 265 00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:54,980 ..and a taxi went by and I went, "TAXI!" like that, 266 00:12:54,980 --> 00:12:57,340 and he ignored me and it went about 50 yards 267 00:12:57,340 --> 00:12:59,260 and he did that and it braked. 268 00:12:59,260 --> 00:13:01,900 - PHILL IMITATES SQUEALING BRAKES - And he did a U-turn and came back. 269 00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:04,980 ROMESH: Oh, was the taxi driver your mum? 270 00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:07,260 APPLAUSE 271 00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,620 Here is the thing about the birds which is extraordinary, 272 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:13,940 it isn't just birds who do this. 273 00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:17,820 Horses also do this. They have a signature whinny. 274 00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:18,980 Wow. 275 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,380 Serious. 276 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:26,620 - Has the picture budget been slashed? Yeah. - Why...? 277 00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:29,140 That's from Horses And Orthodontistry. 278 00:13:30,420 --> 00:13:31,780 I'm so allergic to horses 279 00:13:31,780 --> 00:13:34,300 - that I just sneezed at the sight of that picture. - Seriously? 280 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:38,260 I don't think it's an allergy. That photo is terrifying. 281 00:13:38,260 --> 00:13:42,940 He's going, "WHERE ARE MY EYES?! WHERE ARE MY EYES? 282 00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:45,220 "THE CROWS HAVE GOT MY EYES! 283 00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:48,980 "AAAAARRRRGH!" 284 00:13:51,020 --> 00:13:52,380 That's the mother horse going, 285 00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:55,300 "WHERE ARE YOU?! COME HOME!" 286 00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:57,180 "KIDS, BRING MY EYES BACK!" 287 00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:02,980 That overbite reminds me of my games teacher at school. 288 00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:06,340 So, here's the thing. Horses have signature whinnies. 289 00:14:06,340 --> 00:14:09,580 So, say, for example, you have a horse - shall we call it Alan? - 290 00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:13,220 in a stall, and another horse called Shergar walks by 291 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,780 and goes out of sight behind a barrier. 292 00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:17,220 Alan notices that and... 293 00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:18,780 You're being Alan the horse? 294 00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:21,740 ..goes back to eating. If, when Shergar is behind the barrier, 295 00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:23,860 scientists play his identifying whinny, 296 00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:25,740 Alan won't really pay any attention. 297 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:29,180 If they play the identifying whinny of a different horse, 298 00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:31,100 Alan gets really freaked out because he knows 299 00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:35,140 that the horse he saw walk past wasn't the one that he's just heard. 300 00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:38,420 This is on the list of things scientists can be arsed to do. 301 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:44,060 So horses have a signature whinny and dolphins as well. 302 00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:47,420 PHILL MIMICS A DOLPHIN 303 00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:51,260 Flipper's here. There's two children down a mine shaft! 304 00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:55,380 A dolphin taxi is going to come through now. 305 00:14:57,340 --> 00:15:00,020 They meet at sea, dolphins, and one of the very first things they do 306 00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:02,300 is to introduce themselves with their unique whistle 307 00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:05,140 and then when they hear someone calling that unique whistle, 308 00:15:05,140 --> 00:15:07,740 - they answer with the same whistle so it's sort of... - Wow. 309 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:11,220 - .."I'm here" kind of thing. - Oh, dolphins. - I know. 310 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:14,500 - Are they nice, really? - Well, I once swam with wild dolphins, 311 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:17,460 I've never been more terrified in my life, frankly. 312 00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:22,020 Wrens, horses and dolphins all give themselves names. 313 00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:26,460 Who sold seashells on the seashore? 314 00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:27,820 Is it someone who's got no idea 315 00:15:27,820 --> 00:15:30,300 about the laws of sort of supply and demand? 316 00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:36,100 APPLAUSE 317 00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:40,740 Interestingly, there were plenty of seashells, 318 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,940 and lots of people who wanted to buy them. So who...? 319 00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:45,660 The answer is "she", isn't it? KLAXON 320 00:15:45,660 --> 00:15:46,980 Yay! 321 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:50,740 Er, well, it is in the rhyme. Can you do the rhyme? 322 00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:53,340 - Do you know the rhyme? - She... No, I can't, because I've got a lisp. 323 00:15:53,340 --> 00:15:55,060 Ah! 324 00:15:55,060 --> 00:15:57,940 What a fantastically mean thing to do to you. 325 00:15:57,940 --> 00:16:00,460 Make him do it, Sandi! Make him do it! 326 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,420 - CARIAD: She sells seashells on the seashore. - Mm-hm. 327 00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:06,220 And then she goes home again. I don't know the second bit. 328 00:16:06,220 --> 00:16:09,020 The shells she sells are seashells, I'm sure 329 00:16:09,020 --> 00:16:11,140 For if she sells seashells on the seashore 330 00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:14,060 Then I'm sure she sells seashore shells. 331 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,420 Wow. Is the full rhyme. 332 00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:18,620 AUDIENCE OOHS Thank you very much. Oh, yes. 333 00:16:18,620 --> 00:16:20,620 APPLAUSE Oh, yes. 334 00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:22,860 - That is not... - I know, I know! 335 00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:26,540 That is the first time I've heard that typical British reaction 336 00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:28,860 to a tongue twister. 337 00:16:28,860 --> 00:16:30,980 And it is "Ooooh!" 338 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:36,660 That's what we think of articulate people. 339 00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:38,540 "Ooooh!" 340 00:16:42,060 --> 00:16:45,100 I didn't know we had that in our make-up. 341 00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,500 So "she", but who was "she"? 342 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,740 The woman who sold seashells? 343 00:16:49,740 --> 00:16:53,580 Was she a Cockney woman who some white Victorian man 344 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:56,180 made up a nice rhyme about, but actually, she was probably 345 00:16:56,180 --> 00:16:58,180 a prostitute who died of syphilis? 346 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:01,860 Well... 347 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:06,860 That turned Dickens really quickly. 348 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,940 - That was... - I wonder why they didn't include that bit in the rhyme. 349 00:17:09,940 --> 00:17:12,660 - "..and then she got syphilis." - It's like those nursery rhymes... 350 00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:16,020 - What a dark place your head is, Cariad. - Yes, it's very dark. 351 00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:19,820 It was an actual woman, she worked in Lyme Regis. 352 00:17:19,820 --> 00:17:21,060 - Aargh! - "Aargh!" 353 00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:23,460 Have you had that seizure or do you want me to get somebody... 354 00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:25,060 - No. - ..or are you all right? 355 00:17:25,060 --> 00:17:26,980 - No, no, it's the... - AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES 356 00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:29,460 - ..Dorset lady... - Yeah. - Bless you. 357 00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:31,340 We're a caring, sharing show. 358 00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:34,140 It was the Dorset lady. 359 00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:36,220 She's a killer! Look at the weapon! There she is. 360 00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:38,420 She found the first dinosaur in the UK, didn't she? 361 00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:41,100 - The first whole...? - She was the inspiration for the tongue twister. 362 00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,180 She's a Victorian fossil hunter called Mary Anning. 363 00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:46,060 - Mary Anning. - Oh, she's the fossil hunter - 364 00:17:46,060 --> 00:17:48,060 she's all over the Natural History Museum. Yeah. 365 00:17:48,060 --> 00:17:50,460 All over the Natural History Museum, and she's incredible. 366 00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,420 She was very brave, because it's very dangerous. 367 00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:54,340 That is a picture of her with her dog, Tray. 368 00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:57,460 She's about to kill it and put it in that bag. Well... 369 00:17:57,460 --> 00:17:58,940 I can't tell if the dog is already... 370 00:17:58,940 --> 00:18:00,620 "And now I shall make a fossil!" 371 00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:05,100 Bang! Bang! 372 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:10,780 "Finish your painting, please, before the dog wakes up." 373 00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:17,020 I don't know if the picture shows the dog already dead. 374 00:18:17,020 --> 00:18:20,140 It died in a landslide, and she was very fond of it. 375 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,580 In a landslide caused by...? 376 00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:26,180 Well, it is... I don't know if you... 377 00:18:28,860 --> 00:18:30,860 - She found HUGE fossils. - Yeah. 378 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,900 She is really an extraordinary woman. 379 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:35,140 And her findings absolutely made important changes 380 00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:38,340 in scientific thinking because, up until the 1820s, 381 00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:40,820 lots of people didn't believe extinctions could happen, 382 00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,620 cos it would imply that God's creations were less than perfect. 383 00:18:43,620 --> 00:18:45,900 But she, in fact, discovered the very first 384 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,900 ichthyosaur skeleton correctly identified, 385 00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:50,420 the first two plesiosaur skeletons 386 00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:53,580 and the first pterosaur skeleton outside Germany. 387 00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:56,900 She also found... I'm going to give you some examples. She found these, 388 00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,420 and she's the very first person who worked out what they are. 389 00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:03,220 So I'm going to pass you one there for you to share. 390 00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:04,900 Do you know what that is? 391 00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:06,060 Oh. This is... 392 00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:08,660 £9.50 in a Cornwall gift shop. 393 00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:12,020 Is this dinosaur shit? 394 00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:14,860 It is. It is absolutely that. 395 00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:16,540 OK. Now I feel weird. 396 00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:21,220 These have been tumbled to prove you can, in fact, polish a turd. 397 00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:22,500 But, um... 398 00:19:24,860 --> 00:19:26,340 That's amazing. 399 00:19:26,340 --> 00:19:28,740 People thought they were bezoars, so stomach stones, 400 00:19:28,740 --> 00:19:31,500 something from the inside of the stomach, but what she did, 401 00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,380 she cracked one open and she discovered... 402 00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:34,500 PHILL LAUGHS 403 00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:38,100 - Oh, God! - It's science, it's science! 404 00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:39,820 She discovered fish scales and teeth, 405 00:19:39,820 --> 00:19:42,460 and she's the first person who realised that, in fact, coprolites - 406 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:44,820 which is the correct term for them - is in fact dinosaur poo. 407 00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:46,140 Isn't that extraordinary? 408 00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:49,260 To have a dinosaur's bit of poo in your hands, I think it's incredible. 409 00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:50,940 I feel a bit sorry for her, that, you know, 410 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,420 she's done all these amazing things 411 00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:55,060 and when they decide to come up with a rhyme about her 412 00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:57,980 they made up one about she used to knock out seashells. 413 00:19:57,980 --> 00:20:00,060 Well, here's the thing. That's how she made a living. 414 00:20:00,060 --> 00:20:02,140 She was very poor. Her father was a cabinet-maker, 415 00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:04,260 he died when she was 11. And so she had to make a living. 416 00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:05,860 And actually, people selling fossils 417 00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:07,860 has been a big thing on the Lyme Regis coast... 418 00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:10,260 She did start finding them when she was 12 or 13, didn't she? 419 00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:12,020 Yeah. She could sell them to tourists. 420 00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:13,460 It was one of the very first... 421 00:20:13,460 --> 00:20:16,180 So your £9.50 for a coprolite is probably about right. 422 00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:18,220 She really sort of pains me slightly, 423 00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:19,420 because she sold things to men 424 00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:21,420 who then wrote scientific articles about them, 425 00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:23,700 and she didn't get the credit. She wasn't allowed to join, 426 00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:25,620 for example, the Geological Society of London. 427 00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:28,540 They didn't admit women until 1904. 428 00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:33,260 She didn't get full credit until, 163 years after her death, 429 00:20:33,260 --> 00:20:36,420 the Royal Society included Anning in a list of the ten British women 430 00:20:36,420 --> 00:20:38,820 who have most influenced the history of science. 431 00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:41,340 Was she not allowed to join the society because she was a woman? 432 00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:43,140 Or because she killed that dog? 433 00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:47,500 I think the dog didn't help, if I'm honest with you. 434 00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:49,700 Right, time for a look in Mother Toksvig's 435 00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:52,540 Bumper Book Of Neological Novelties, I think. 436 00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:54,460 Here are some new names for things. 437 00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:58,220 But can you tell me what any of them are? 438 00:20:58,220 --> 00:21:00,020 - Adorkable? - Adorkable. Do you know what it is? 439 00:21:00,020 --> 00:21:02,260 Is that when somebody's, like, really into comic books, 440 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:05,100 - but it's quite cute? - CARIAD: It's manic pixie dream girl syndrome. 441 00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:08,460 Adorably dorkish, so socially inept but charming with it. 442 00:21:08,460 --> 00:21:09,740 Are these...? 443 00:21:09,740 --> 00:21:13,340 These are new words that have recently... What's happening here? 444 00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:15,020 They're what's known as neologisms, 445 00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:17,820 so they are new terms that have entered the language. 446 00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:20,660 - Oh, I see. - Al desco is having your lunch... 447 00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:22,940 - Having your lunch at your desk. - Yeah. 448 00:21:22,940 --> 00:21:24,980 A belfie, I can't remember what a belfie is. 449 00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:28,020 A belfie is where you take a selfie, but you have a bell. 450 00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:32,460 - Really? - No, it is a selfie, but what of? 451 00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:34,020 What part of you is a belfie? 452 00:21:34,020 --> 00:21:35,220 - Oh, my God! - Yes. 453 00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:38,140 - CARIAD: Oh! - ROMESH: Really? 454 00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:39,620 Your bell end? It's... 455 00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:43,740 APPLAUSE 456 00:21:45,060 --> 00:21:46,300 I thought that was a dick pic. 457 00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:48,500 - It's your bottom. - Oh, your bottom? 458 00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:50,620 - Yes, it's a picture of your... - That's a bumfie! 459 00:21:50,620 --> 00:21:51,740 A bumfie? 460 00:21:53,180 --> 00:21:54,540 How is "belfie" bum? 461 00:21:54,540 --> 00:21:56,420 I don't... Darling, I didn't write them. 462 00:21:56,420 --> 00:21:58,860 I'm just telling you. These are all examples 463 00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:01,140 that have been included in the OED in recent years. 464 00:22:01,140 --> 00:22:02,980 The OED have got to stop adding now. 465 00:22:02,980 --> 00:22:04,340 - Stop adding. - Those are just... 466 00:22:04,340 --> 00:22:06,460 It's like the OED has been taken over 467 00:22:06,460 --> 00:22:09,260 by a 14-year-old boy who's bored. 468 00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:11,500 BREAKING VOICE: "Yeah, we'll put 'em all in! Ha-ha! 469 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:12,580 "And I'll make up 12." 470 00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:14,300 I like that one, stoor-sooker. 471 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:15,780 - What is that? - Is that Scottish? 472 00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:17,980 Yes. It's to do with sucking. It's to do with sucking. 473 00:22:17,980 --> 00:22:19,780 - Really? - Oh, it's something nasty again. 474 00:22:19,780 --> 00:22:21,940 - I think I'll leave the quiz now. - No, no, it's fine. 475 00:22:21,940 --> 00:22:24,020 It's a Scottish neologism for a vacuum cleaner. 476 00:22:24,020 --> 00:22:26,940 It's a stair-sucker, a stoor-sooker. PHILL LAUGHS 477 00:22:26,940 --> 00:22:29,100 Oh, right. What's honkenbonkers? 478 00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:31,700 Honkenbonkers, it just means amazing. 479 00:22:31,700 --> 00:22:33,700 Is that the one you were thinking, 480 00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:35,620 "That's the one I might take from this"? 481 00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:37,140 Yeah. 482 00:22:37,140 --> 00:22:39,660 "What am I just going to throw into casual conversation?" 483 00:22:39,660 --> 00:22:41,260 The good thing about any of these words, 484 00:22:41,260 --> 00:22:42,580 is if I hear someone using them, 485 00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:46,780 I can beat them to death with the OED, which is quite a hefty book. 486 00:22:46,780 --> 00:22:50,460 Wabsteid is another Scottish one for website. 487 00:22:50,460 --> 00:22:52,140 What's cauldpress? 488 00:22:52,140 --> 00:22:54,420 Cauldpress is a Scottish neologism for a fridge. 489 00:22:54,420 --> 00:22:56,980 These are just Scottish words! 490 00:22:56,980 --> 00:22:59,220 Does anybody know where the word "quiz" comes from? 491 00:22:59,220 --> 00:23:00,540 As we're doing a kind of quiz. 492 00:23:00,540 --> 00:23:03,380 I feel like I do know, but I can't remember. 493 00:23:04,860 --> 00:23:07,260 - I feel like that. - ROMESH: Do we get a point for that? 494 00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:11,540 Alan can have a point for that, I'm fine with that, yeah. 495 00:23:11,540 --> 00:23:13,660 So when you say it, I'm going to go... 496 00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:14,740 "Oh, yeah..." 497 00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:19,540 You watch. Watch, watch. OK. 498 00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:21,540 - We don't really know. - Oh... Oh! 499 00:23:25,180 --> 00:23:27,820 So it used to mean a sort of eccentric person. 500 00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:31,020 How it has come to mean asking people questions for points, 501 00:23:31,020 --> 00:23:33,340 we don't really know. There's a story that Richard Daley, 502 00:23:33,340 --> 00:23:36,100 who was a proprietor, a theatre proprietor in Dublin in 1791, 503 00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:37,900 made a bet that, within 48 hours, 504 00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:40,140 he could get a word into common parlance. 505 00:23:40,140 --> 00:23:42,100 And he distributed the word "quiz" 506 00:23:42,100 --> 00:23:44,340 to be put up on walls all over Dublin, 507 00:23:44,340 --> 00:23:46,460 and it became part of the language. 508 00:23:46,460 --> 00:23:49,140 So really, when they say the police are quizzing the suspect, 509 00:23:49,140 --> 00:23:50,180 that's wrong, isn't it? 510 00:23:50,180 --> 00:23:53,580 No, that's from inquisitive. And inquisition. 511 00:23:53,580 --> 00:23:55,060 So that's a separate... 512 00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:57,380 You've got it, you're in the right chair. 513 00:23:58,580 --> 00:24:01,180 I had a little cold feeling then! 514 00:24:03,780 --> 00:24:06,460 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 515 00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:18,140 Right, OK. 516 00:24:18,140 --> 00:24:22,900 A new word is created in English every 98 minutes or so. 517 00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:25,180 Now, we're going to name our little piggies. 518 00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:27,500 You all know the rhyme. Come on, let's do this together. 519 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:29,020 This little piggy went to market... 520 00:24:29,020 --> 00:24:31,940 ALL: This little piggy stayed home This little piggy had roast beef 521 00:24:31,940 --> 00:24:33,300 This little piggy had none... 522 00:24:33,300 --> 00:24:34,940 And what did the last one do? 523 00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:38,260 ALL: This little piggy went "wee-wee-wee" all the way home. 524 00:24:38,260 --> 00:24:39,820 Unbelievably irritating. 525 00:24:39,820 --> 00:24:43,700 So, what we're going to do is we're going to play with Alan's feet. 526 00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:46,540 - Are we all right to play with your feet, darling? - Yes. 527 00:24:46,540 --> 00:24:48,380 I don't really like feet, can I just say this? 528 00:24:48,380 --> 00:24:50,780 I consider them the frayed edges of the body. I don't... 529 00:24:52,180 --> 00:24:54,220 Do you want both feet? We just need one. 530 00:24:54,220 --> 00:24:58,100 - In fact, do you want to play? - I believe my feet died in 1987... 531 00:24:59,340 --> 00:25:01,460 ..and the rest of my body will catch up eventually 532 00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:03,540 but I think my feet went some time ago. 533 00:25:03,540 --> 00:25:05,860 Right. So, here's what we're going to do. 534 00:25:05,860 --> 00:25:08,420 - Oh... - What's that noise? 535 00:25:08,420 --> 00:25:11,180 What is that noise?! 536 00:25:11,180 --> 00:25:13,820 We've never had an audience that's so judgmental. 537 00:25:13,820 --> 00:25:17,580 - When you hear a tongue twister... OK. - "Urgh!" 538 00:25:17,580 --> 00:25:19,700 What's the matter with you? Very nice... 539 00:25:19,700 --> 00:25:22,980 Someone else will get their foot out and you'll go, "Yay!" 540 00:25:26,180 --> 00:25:29,220 OK. Romesh, there's a little stick... 541 00:25:29,220 --> 00:25:32,580 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 542 00:25:36,100 --> 00:25:38,180 So, imagine that your big toe is number one 543 00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:40,140 and the next toe is number two, three... 544 00:25:40,140 --> 00:25:41,620 So number five is your little toe. 545 00:25:41,620 --> 00:25:44,580 OK. I want you to shut your eyes and Romesh... 546 00:25:44,580 --> 00:25:47,340 Romesh is going to gently touch one of your toes 547 00:25:47,340 --> 00:25:51,260 and you tell us which one it is he's touching. 548 00:25:51,260 --> 00:25:53,380 I can't actually see which ones are being touched 549 00:25:53,380 --> 00:25:57,500 so let me just come and have a look. I'm coming behind you! 550 00:25:57,500 --> 00:25:59,540 OK, go ahead, then. Do it again. 551 00:26:00,700 --> 00:26:02,380 - Yep, which one? - Four. 552 00:26:02,380 --> 00:26:03,780 Yeah. And keep going. 553 00:26:06,220 --> 00:26:08,660 Three? Ah, so, OK. 554 00:26:08,660 --> 00:26:10,260 So, you can stop now, that's fantastic 555 00:26:10,260 --> 00:26:12,340 because rather marvellously and rather pleasingly 556 00:26:12,340 --> 00:26:13,700 you've entirely proved the point 557 00:26:13,700 --> 00:26:15,700 that I was trying to make which is very nice. 558 00:26:15,700 --> 00:26:18,660 So, you said it was number three and, in fact, it was number two. 559 00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:21,580 Was it? Yeah, it was actually number two that was being poked 560 00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:24,420 - and here's the extraordinary thing. - I can't get my leg down, hang on. 561 00:26:24,420 --> 00:26:25,940 Are you all right? 562 00:26:28,180 --> 00:26:31,220 So, people at Oxford University research this kind of thing, 563 00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:34,060 in 2015, so they asked people to close their eyes 564 00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:36,220 while somebody pressed on one of their fingers 565 00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:39,660 and they were correctly able to identify, 99% of the case, 566 00:26:39,660 --> 00:26:41,060 which finger was being simulated. 567 00:26:41,060 --> 00:26:43,340 - It sort of defeats the object... - You can't do it yourself. 568 00:26:43,340 --> 00:26:44,940 Yeah, to go home and do it yourself. 569 00:26:44,940 --> 00:26:48,380 - You know which one you're prodding. - Yeah, yeah. 570 00:26:48,380 --> 00:26:50,820 - And also... - I'll actually admit I went right through with it 571 00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:52,940 and I did one of the toes myself and then thought, 572 00:26:52,940 --> 00:26:55,580 "Oh, that's number one," and of course it was! 573 00:26:56,860 --> 00:27:00,940 Have you ever been involved in scientific research in anything? 574 00:27:00,940 --> 00:27:03,860 I just have to let myself down, Sandi, all the time. 575 00:27:03,860 --> 00:27:07,100 I'm an unbelievable idiot. I think you're lovely. 576 00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:11,740 So you can recognise your big and little toes about 94% of the time 577 00:27:11,740 --> 00:27:14,180 but the ones in the middle are the troublesome ones. 578 00:27:14,180 --> 00:27:16,260 We particularly struggle, as you did, 579 00:27:16,260 --> 00:27:18,340 between the second and the third toes 580 00:27:18,340 --> 00:27:21,820 and about half the people when the second toe was pressed, 581 00:27:21,820 --> 00:27:25,100 actually, think it's the third one. And also, even more strangely, 582 00:27:25,100 --> 00:27:28,180 lots of people find it difficult to keep track of their toes entirely. 583 00:27:28,180 --> 00:27:32,100 Nearly half the testers reported feeling as if one toe was gone. 584 00:27:34,660 --> 00:27:36,500 A huge number of people with their eyes shut 585 00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:38,860 thought they only had four toes. 586 00:27:38,860 --> 00:27:40,260 Wouldn't you have just thought 587 00:27:40,260 --> 00:27:42,820 - "We've picked the wrong person for the experiment"? - Yeah. 588 00:27:42,820 --> 00:27:44,380 Just gone entirely. 589 00:27:44,380 --> 00:27:46,900 Right, a question for all of us here on the panel, 590 00:27:46,900 --> 00:27:50,300 which of us is the most common? 591 00:27:50,300 --> 00:27:54,140 - It's either me or Alan. - Why? Oh, why? 592 00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:55,380 No, hang on, no! 593 00:27:55,380 --> 00:27:58,020 There's more women in the world so it's one of you two. 594 00:27:58,020 --> 00:28:01,460 - It's not that. It isn't that. - It must be Romesh. 595 00:28:01,460 --> 00:28:04,340 No, in fact, the most common... 596 00:28:05,940 --> 00:28:08,140 You've got to give an argument, "It must be Romesh." 597 00:28:10,460 --> 00:28:12,980 - Him... - Oh, I see! OK. 598 00:28:12,980 --> 00:28:16,660 - I had a look to see whose name was the most common. - Oh. 599 00:28:16,660 --> 00:28:19,740 So whose name do we think is the most common? 600 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:22,460 It's quite... Well, I'd say Romesh, Sandi and Cariad probably not... 601 00:28:22,460 --> 00:28:24,780 - Not going to be... - ..going to be top of the list, yeah. - No. 602 00:28:24,780 --> 00:28:27,540 Davies is a very common name. I'm afraid it is you, Alan. 603 00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:28,820 I had a look. 604 00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:32,260 Ranganathan is used, according to a website called Namespedia, 605 00:28:32,260 --> 00:28:35,700 is used 1,789 times in at least 26 countries. 606 00:28:35,700 --> 00:28:38,220 So, what does it mean, the name? Do you know what the name means? 607 00:28:38,220 --> 00:28:39,740 I think it means, like... 608 00:28:39,740 --> 00:28:41,460 "Love God." 609 00:28:42,860 --> 00:28:44,660 OK, so... 610 00:28:44,660 --> 00:28:46,860 I... 611 00:28:49,020 --> 00:28:50,860 I broke it down. 612 00:28:54,340 --> 00:28:56,860 APPLAUSE 613 00:28:58,900 --> 00:29:02,740 I broke it down, Romesh. Ranga means "source of amusement for others." 614 00:29:02,740 --> 00:29:05,460 - Right. - And Nathan means "he will give." 615 00:29:05,460 --> 00:29:07,020 Oh, right. 616 00:29:07,020 --> 00:29:10,420 Lloyd is used 65,467 times 617 00:29:10,420 --> 00:29:13,060 in at least 46 countries. 618 00:29:13,060 --> 00:29:15,500 - We get about, the Welsh. - There is that. 619 00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:18,100 Phill, I searched your name, honestly, you come up, 620 00:29:18,100 --> 00:29:21,060 there's nothing, you Lithuanian bastard. 621 00:29:21,060 --> 00:29:24,620 It's an accidental name because it's actually Seputis 622 00:29:24,620 --> 00:29:27,460 but when they arrived in 1917 in the UK, 623 00:29:27,460 --> 00:29:31,180 some bloke at Tilbury, when they arrived, went "Name." 624 00:29:31,180 --> 00:29:32,340 And they go, "Seputis." 625 00:29:32,340 --> 00:29:34,500 And he went, "Jupitus." 626 00:29:34,500 --> 00:29:36,660 So he just wrote down what he heard 627 00:29:36,660 --> 00:29:39,380 and so that's why it came out as Jupitus. 628 00:29:39,380 --> 00:29:41,060 I have lovely hair. 629 00:29:46,220 --> 00:29:49,100 - No wonder I'm so smug. - Yeah. 630 00:29:49,100 --> 00:29:52,300 I don't know who's upset Alan. 631 00:29:52,300 --> 00:29:54,660 I look like I've been pulled over for speeding. 632 00:29:54,660 --> 00:29:56,900 You're like, "Ugh, come on." 633 00:29:56,900 --> 00:30:01,180 Davies is the most popular, 47 different countries, it appears. 634 00:30:01,180 --> 00:30:03,700 Did you know there was an entire group of Indo-Iranian people 635 00:30:03,700 --> 00:30:06,300 in the Caucasus Mountains that were called the Alans? 636 00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:07,540 I did not know that. 637 00:30:07,540 --> 00:30:09,020 They've died out. 638 00:30:12,220 --> 00:30:14,740 She gives and she takes away. 639 00:30:14,740 --> 00:30:16,740 And my own name I looked up on this thing, Toksvig, 640 00:30:16,740 --> 00:30:19,900 and it said that it is used at least 23 times in three countries 641 00:30:19,900 --> 00:30:22,980 - and then it listed all the people. - # Da-da-dah! # 642 00:30:22,980 --> 00:30:25,060 And all of them... 643 00:30:25,060 --> 00:30:28,260 All of them are relatives of mine and I'm not on the list. 644 00:30:32,140 --> 00:30:33,860 What does Toksvig mean? 645 00:30:33,860 --> 00:30:36,860 It means "river by the burial ground." 646 00:30:36,860 --> 00:30:38,700 Oh, that's nice. Poetic. 647 00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:40,860 Having a huge name can help with your uniqueness. 648 00:30:40,860 --> 00:30:43,500 Have a look at these, these are some of the longest names in history. 649 00:30:43,500 --> 00:30:44,700 Look at that. 650 00:30:44,700 --> 00:30:47,060 That's one person's name, this was a woman, 651 00:30:47,060 --> 00:30:51,300 the long-reigning ruler of Yemen in the 11th and 12th century 652 00:30:51,300 --> 00:30:54,540 and she was the greatest of the rulers of the Sulayhid dynasty 653 00:30:54,540 --> 00:30:57,540 and she is sometimes referred to as the Little Queen of Sheba. 654 00:30:57,540 --> 00:31:00,420 Imagine how annoyed you'd be if you were doing the school trophy, 655 00:31:00,420 --> 00:31:01,980 she won the hundred. 656 00:31:03,500 --> 00:31:05,620 - Look at that name, that's great, isn't it? - Wow. 657 00:31:05,620 --> 00:31:09,100 That's a fantastic name. Queen of Bali, circa 1088 to 1101. 658 00:31:09,100 --> 00:31:12,740 Do you think she fell asleep and just collapsed onto the keyboard? 659 00:31:17,100 --> 00:31:19,900 That last bit at the end, that ain't a name. That is a... 660 00:31:19,900 --> 00:31:21,700 That is a two-year-old, 661 00:31:21,700 --> 00:31:24,860 that's a two-year-old on an iPhone. 662 00:31:26,140 --> 00:31:30,340 Now, would you rather be in a non-routine operation 663 00:31:30,340 --> 00:31:32,580 or a mass deposition event? 664 00:31:32,580 --> 00:31:34,980 It looks like Alan's in The Simpsons from here. 665 00:31:38,780 --> 00:31:41,500 Well, I don't like the sound of a non-routine operation. 666 00:31:41,500 --> 00:31:43,420 - I'd prefer a non-routine operation. - Do you? 667 00:31:43,420 --> 00:31:45,860 - I just think, if it's routine... - It's a better story. 668 00:31:45,860 --> 00:31:46,980 Well, if it's routine, 669 00:31:46,980 --> 00:31:48,980 the person's more likely to be a bit blase about it 670 00:31:48,980 --> 00:31:50,340 if you've done it loads of times. 671 00:31:50,340 --> 00:31:52,060 Where, if it's non-routine, he'll think, 672 00:31:52,060 --> 00:31:54,180 "I probably should stay awake while I'm doing this." 673 00:31:54,180 --> 00:31:56,620 If it's non-routine, they're going to have the book open. 674 00:31:56,620 --> 00:32:00,660 Exactly. Like they're doing it for the first time. 675 00:32:00,660 --> 00:32:03,260 - I imagine it being like a chef. - If it's routine, they'll go, 676 00:32:03,260 --> 00:32:06,180 "Just for a game, I'm going to do it with my blindfold on." 677 00:32:06,180 --> 00:32:08,140 I can tell you that the non-routine operation 678 00:32:08,140 --> 00:32:11,700 is a phrase used by Trans-Florida Airlines. 679 00:32:11,700 --> 00:32:13,340 OK. Crash landing? 680 00:32:13,340 --> 00:32:16,700 - It is. It is their word for a plane crash. - Oh-ho! 681 00:32:16,700 --> 00:32:19,620 - "Notice to passengers..." - Must be in the lead! 682 00:32:19,620 --> 00:32:21,860 "..in case of a non-routine operation, 683 00:32:21,860 --> 00:32:24,980 "we'd like you to be familiar with the location of the airplane exits." 684 00:32:24,980 --> 00:32:27,740 - You'd hope they'd call that non-routine, wouldn't you? - Yeah. 685 00:32:27,740 --> 00:32:30,540 What a damning indictment of the airline if they don't. 686 00:32:30,540 --> 00:32:32,580 Can I show you my favourite airport sign? 687 00:32:32,580 --> 00:32:34,460 Cos you know you never get proper information. 688 00:32:34,460 --> 00:32:37,060 I think this is absolutely fantastic. There we go. 689 00:32:44,860 --> 00:32:46,540 It kind of says everything, doesn't it? 690 00:32:46,540 --> 00:32:48,580 - It's fair enough. - Loses something in translation. 691 00:32:48,580 --> 00:32:50,340 - It's honest. - It's absolutely fine. 692 00:32:50,340 --> 00:32:53,300 The other thing is, a mass deposition event is, in fact, 693 00:32:53,300 --> 00:32:54,540 a huge pile of poo. 694 00:32:54,540 --> 00:32:56,340 In fact, it's a rather specific pile of poo. 695 00:32:56,340 --> 00:32:58,620 It's a euphemistic term given by archaeologists 696 00:32:58,620 --> 00:33:01,300 to the discovery of a thick layer of horse dung 697 00:33:01,300 --> 00:33:03,860 at a site called the Col de la Traversette, 698 00:33:03,860 --> 00:33:05,700 and it's believed to be associated 699 00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:10,020 with Hannibal's crossing of the Alps into Italy in 218 BC. 700 00:33:10,020 --> 00:33:13,420 I love this. The team analysing the poo, OK, 701 00:33:13,420 --> 00:33:15,940 are hoping to find signs of elephant droppings. 702 00:33:15,940 --> 00:33:17,660 Here's a quote from one of the team. 703 00:33:17,660 --> 00:33:20,700 "There's even the possibility of finding an elephant tapeworm egg. 704 00:33:20,700 --> 00:33:24,140 "This would really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." 705 00:33:26,260 --> 00:33:28,060 Tapeworm egg. 706 00:33:28,060 --> 00:33:30,220 - Not even a tapeworm... - No. - ..just a tapeworm egg. 707 00:33:30,220 --> 00:33:32,460 Just a tapeworm egg. While we're on euphemisms, 708 00:33:32,460 --> 00:33:36,620 what is a nondiscernible microbionoculator? 709 00:33:36,620 --> 00:33:39,660 Something you can't see. It's very small, very small. 710 00:33:39,660 --> 00:33:41,300 You don't want to have it. 711 00:33:41,300 --> 00:33:43,740 - So, like a parasite? - It's nondiscernible, you can't see it. 712 00:33:43,740 --> 00:33:45,340 It's a man-made thing. 713 00:33:45,340 --> 00:33:46,420 Bullet. 714 00:33:46,420 --> 00:33:48,540 - Sort of. - A lethal injection. 715 00:33:48,540 --> 00:33:51,380 You're absolutely in the right area, it's a poison dart gun, 716 00:33:51,380 --> 00:33:54,100 devised by the CIA in 1975. 717 00:33:54,100 --> 00:33:55,460 I'm on fire, I'm bound to win! 718 00:33:55,460 --> 00:33:57,820 - You're doing... I've only had one klaxon. Yeah. - Yeah. 719 00:33:57,820 --> 00:34:00,100 I have to say this during the show to flag it up. 720 00:34:00,100 --> 00:34:02,220 - Yeah. - Yeah. - You've done fantastic. 721 00:34:02,220 --> 00:34:06,500 Otherwise they would just give me -40 and tell me to piss off. 722 00:34:06,500 --> 00:34:10,580 That looks like a particularly tough night at the Rotary Club. 723 00:34:10,580 --> 00:34:12,900 "I think I'm going to kill Alan." 724 00:34:12,900 --> 00:34:17,300 - He's got the sight on back to front. - The thing I don't understand... - Yes. 725 00:34:17,300 --> 00:34:19,820 The bloke on the right is saying, "Back to front, you idiot!" 726 00:34:19,820 --> 00:34:22,980 "He's bloody miles away, the dart will never get him!" 727 00:34:27,340 --> 00:34:31,700 Why wouldn't you want to get caught in bed with a Norfolk Howard? 728 00:34:31,700 --> 00:34:34,340 Cos it's probably cattle, is it, or something like that? 729 00:34:34,340 --> 00:34:37,180 No, but it is a creature of some kind. 730 00:34:37,180 --> 00:34:39,220 Oh, some sort of a bug or a flea or a tick... 731 00:34:39,220 --> 00:34:40,860 Oh, yes, you are on fire. Yes. 732 00:34:40,860 --> 00:34:43,780 - What's going on with you today? - Yeah. 733 00:34:43,780 --> 00:34:46,740 - Suddenly you know shit. - Oh, it's a sub... 734 00:34:46,740 --> 00:34:49,060 It's, like, a substandard panel this week. 735 00:34:51,620 --> 00:34:55,740 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 736 00:34:57,500 --> 00:34:59,980 It's, in fact, it's a euphemism for a bedbug, 737 00:34:59,980 --> 00:35:01,220 a Norfolk Howard. 738 00:35:01,220 --> 00:35:03,220 Turn of the 20th century, there was a guy, 739 00:35:03,220 --> 00:35:05,500 he's either called Bugsy or Joshua Bug. 740 00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:07,620 Anyway, he really hated being called Bug 741 00:35:07,620 --> 00:35:10,180 and so he changed his name to Norfolk Howard 742 00:35:10,180 --> 00:35:12,220 and his friends, to take the mickey, 743 00:35:12,220 --> 00:35:16,100 referred to all bedbugs as Norfolk Howards and in the end, 744 00:35:16,100 --> 00:35:18,980 bedbugs became known as Norfolk Howard. 745 00:35:18,980 --> 00:35:20,780 Oh, that's horrible. 746 00:35:20,780 --> 00:35:24,020 I think that is a beautifully designed... 747 00:35:24,020 --> 00:35:26,220 It's an amazing things. ..and coloured... Yeah. 748 00:35:26,220 --> 00:35:28,740 - I mean... - They are amazing, bedbugs, yeah. - ..that is a stunner. 749 00:35:28,740 --> 00:35:31,340 - Look at the shell on that. - You wouldn't accept that from a hotel, 750 00:35:31,340 --> 00:35:34,380 though, if they said that to you, would you? 751 00:35:34,380 --> 00:35:37,020 "Bedbugs, yeah, but look how beautiful..." 752 00:35:39,100 --> 00:35:42,100 And so we reach that round that dare not speak its name. 753 00:35:42,100 --> 00:35:45,260 Fingers on buzzers, please, for General Ignorance. 754 00:35:45,260 --> 00:35:48,900 Name the place where all the Vikings who died in battle went. 755 00:35:50,420 --> 00:35:52,420 'Schroeder Swan.' 756 00:35:52,420 --> 00:35:54,500 I'll take the hit, Valhalla. 757 00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:57,340 KLAXON 758 00:35:58,500 --> 00:35:59,700 No. 759 00:35:59,700 --> 00:36:02,220 You'd think, right, that any warrior, death in battle, 760 00:36:02,220 --> 00:36:05,460 you'd get to go to the Hall of the Fallen in Asgard. 761 00:36:05,460 --> 00:36:09,300 It's amazing, it has a roof entirely made of golden shields, 762 00:36:09,300 --> 00:36:14,180 it's got 540 doors, you can get 800 men in and out, whenever you like. 763 00:36:14,180 --> 00:36:17,060 - Sounds brilliant. - It's amazing, it's amazing. 764 00:36:17,060 --> 00:36:20,700 But only half of the Viking heroes actually go to Valhalla. 765 00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:23,660 So in Viking mythology, there are actually two sets of gods, 766 00:36:23,660 --> 00:36:26,580 the Aesir, which is Odin and co, 767 00:36:26,580 --> 00:36:29,940 and the Vanir and both sets get to choose their dead. 768 00:36:29,940 --> 00:36:31,300 So half go to Valhalla, 769 00:36:31,300 --> 00:36:33,420 which is where they all want to go, basically, 770 00:36:33,420 --> 00:36:38,220 and the other half go to the goddess Freya's field of Folkvangr, 771 00:36:38,220 --> 00:36:40,460 which was probably, you know, a blow, I would imagine. 772 00:36:40,460 --> 00:36:44,620 I have never been more aroused on a TV show than I am right now. 773 00:36:44,620 --> 00:36:46,780 - Same, same. - Do the voice, do the voice, do the voice. 774 00:36:46,780 --> 00:36:48,780 - Folkvangr. - Folkvangr. - Folkvangr. 775 00:36:48,780 --> 00:36:50,620 See, I think you'd like to go there, Phill. 776 00:36:50,620 --> 00:36:54,220 Yes, I would like to go to Folkvangr. 777 00:36:54,220 --> 00:36:56,940 - Because there are women there. - There's no women in Valhalla? 778 00:36:56,940 --> 00:36:58,900 No, just the Valkyries riding in and out. 779 00:36:58,900 --> 00:37:01,500 That's a great name of a porn film. 780 00:37:01,500 --> 00:37:03,580 No Women In Valhalla! 781 00:37:03,580 --> 00:37:05,980 So, if you didn't die in battle you died a natural death, 782 00:37:05,980 --> 00:37:07,060 where did you go? 783 00:37:07,060 --> 00:37:10,220 Because you didn't go to Valhalla and you didn't go to Folkvangr. 784 00:37:10,220 --> 00:37:13,180 Did you go to Loki's Kingdom of Mischief? 785 00:37:13,180 --> 00:37:15,260 It's place we don't want to go today when we die. 786 00:37:15,260 --> 00:37:17,700 We don't want to go... Hell. We don't want to go to hell. 787 00:37:17,700 --> 00:37:20,580 Fantastic, it's exactly right. They went to hell, yeah. 788 00:37:20,580 --> 00:37:23,020 - Indeed they did. - If they died of natural causes? 789 00:37:23,020 --> 00:37:25,900 If they died of natural causes, they went to hell which was... 790 00:37:25,900 --> 00:37:28,980 "I feel terrible. Quick, start a fight!" 791 00:37:30,660 --> 00:37:32,300 "There's that battle today..." 792 00:37:32,300 --> 00:37:34,140 "Oh, this is so unfair. 793 00:37:34,140 --> 00:37:37,980 "I've been in all the battles, trying to get killed." 794 00:37:37,980 --> 00:37:40,100 Hell is ruled over by a goddess called Hell, 795 00:37:40,100 --> 00:37:41,940 it's where we get the word hell from. 796 00:37:41,940 --> 00:37:45,900 Anyway, only half of Viking warriors ever got to Valhalla. 797 00:37:45,900 --> 00:37:47,860 Name a self-confessed Nazi. 798 00:37:50,540 --> 00:37:52,220 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 799 00:37:52,220 --> 00:37:54,540 - Phill Jupitus. - OK. 800 00:37:54,540 --> 00:37:56,780 - Erm... - All those guys. 801 00:37:56,780 --> 00:37:58,100 They're like "Me, it's me." 802 00:37:58,100 --> 00:38:00,100 They didn't call themselves Nazis. 803 00:38:00,100 --> 00:38:01,860 Absolutely right. There are none, 804 00:38:01,860 --> 00:38:04,380 there are none because they didn't call themselves Nazis. 805 00:38:04,380 --> 00:38:06,540 You are just doing brilliantly. 806 00:38:06,540 --> 00:38:08,860 Yep. Absolutely right. 807 00:38:10,540 --> 00:38:13,180 APPLAUSE 808 00:38:16,260 --> 00:38:17,900 - All this time... - Yep. 809 00:38:17,900 --> 00:38:21,420 All this time you've been intimidated to say what you know 810 00:38:21,420 --> 00:38:25,260 and now you can just, you can just speak! It's lovely, Alan. 811 00:38:25,260 --> 00:38:27,580 - No, indeed and... - Hang on, I'll throw him off his game. 812 00:38:27,580 --> 00:38:30,300 AS STEPHEN FRY: Maa! Maa! 813 00:38:32,140 --> 00:38:34,540 Although I like that Churchill called them "Nazzies". 814 00:38:34,540 --> 00:38:38,540 "Nazzies", yeah. And he referred to the Gestapo as the "Jester-po". 815 00:38:39,580 --> 00:38:41,620 That was very good. You're absolutely right. 816 00:38:41,620 --> 00:38:44,900 No self-respecting Nazi ever called themselves a Nazi, 817 00:38:44,900 --> 00:38:47,220 it was the German exiles who called them that. 818 00:38:47,220 --> 00:38:50,740 Name the cause of the first mass extinction? 819 00:38:50,740 --> 00:38:52,260 Oh, now this is a trick one, 820 00:38:52,260 --> 00:38:55,020 because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one, 821 00:38:55,020 --> 00:38:56,940 but there was one before that, wasn't there? 822 00:38:56,940 --> 00:38:59,620 After 14 years, he understands the format! 823 00:39:02,500 --> 00:39:04,940 APPLAUSE 824 00:39:09,860 --> 00:39:14,020 And the thing I still can't do is think in my head. 825 00:39:18,380 --> 00:39:21,100 Where do you think, then? 826 00:39:21,100 --> 00:39:23,220 In my mouth. In your mouth. 827 00:39:23,220 --> 00:39:24,980 Is it ice? Ice? 828 00:39:24,980 --> 00:39:27,500 - It is not ice, no. - CARIAD: Baby! 829 00:39:29,740 --> 00:39:32,420 - Very good. - They had a problem, but they didn't solve it. 830 00:39:32,420 --> 00:39:34,100 There was a massive extinction. 831 00:39:35,620 --> 00:39:40,180 It's sea anemone greed and, really, the invention of the mouth. 832 00:39:40,180 --> 00:39:42,020 So what happens is... 833 00:39:42,020 --> 00:39:44,900 So many problems come when we invent the mouth! 834 00:39:44,900 --> 00:39:46,460 These are ediacarans, 835 00:39:46,460 --> 00:39:50,340 and ediacarans are the very first complex life forms on earth. 836 00:39:50,340 --> 00:39:54,140 And they hung around on the sea floor for about 37 million years. 837 00:39:54,140 --> 00:39:56,180 They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus. 838 00:39:56,180 --> 00:39:57,940 They just lived through osmosis. 839 00:39:57,940 --> 00:39:59,340 They got along fine! 840 00:39:59,340 --> 00:40:03,060 They were just fine. And then, what happens is, the Cambrian explosion, 841 00:40:03,060 --> 00:40:06,980 so that's - give or take a Tuesday - about 542 million years ago. 842 00:40:06,980 --> 00:40:09,420 You suddenly get life forms suddenly rocketing 843 00:40:09,420 --> 00:40:11,220 cos there's more oxygen around, 844 00:40:11,220 --> 00:40:13,620 and you get sea anemone-like creatures, they have a mouth. 845 00:40:13,620 --> 00:40:15,940 And do you know what they did? They ate them. They ate them. 846 00:40:15,940 --> 00:40:18,060 Absolutely right. They ate the lot of them. 847 00:40:18,060 --> 00:40:19,420 And the terrible, tragic thing 848 00:40:19,420 --> 00:40:21,740 was that they couldn't tell each other what was happening. 849 00:40:21,740 --> 00:40:24,060 - Oh, don't! That's so sad! - Yeah. - No mouth. 850 00:40:26,060 --> 00:40:29,180 - Just lying there being eaten and not being able to... - Or warn each other. 851 00:40:29,180 --> 00:40:32,740 I've had boyfriends like that, and I understand how they feel. 852 00:40:37,020 --> 00:40:39,940 Nothing you can do. Just let them get on with it. 853 00:40:39,940 --> 00:40:42,860 It's been a learning experience being with you, Cariad. 854 00:40:43,860 --> 00:40:45,180 That's why I'm adorkable! 855 00:40:45,180 --> 00:40:47,300 I thought for a moment you meant you'd had boyfriends 856 00:40:47,300 --> 00:40:49,580 with no mouth or anus. 857 00:40:49,580 --> 00:40:53,260 - It felt like that, Alan. - They can't cry for help. - No. 858 00:40:53,260 --> 00:40:55,540 - Can't speak. - Anyway... 859 00:40:55,540 --> 00:40:58,540 what's French for nom de plume? 860 00:40:58,540 --> 00:41:00,340 Oh, hang on a minute. 861 00:41:00,340 --> 00:41:02,660 'Snuffy Storey.' 862 00:41:02,660 --> 00:41:04,140 Is it that they don't have, 863 00:41:04,140 --> 00:41:08,460 that doesn't mean pseudonym in French? 864 00:41:08,460 --> 00:41:10,500 - Er, yeah, kind of. - They don't have... 865 00:41:10,500 --> 00:41:12,620 In fact, the French for when an author chooses to write 866 00:41:12,620 --> 00:41:15,060 - under a different name is nom de guerre. - Oh, yeah. 867 00:41:15,060 --> 00:41:16,540 It is now nom de plume in French 868 00:41:16,540 --> 00:41:18,220 but the British didn't like nom de guerre, 869 00:41:18,220 --> 00:41:20,020 they didn't think it was a good idea 870 00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:21,620 and so they changed it to nom de plume 871 00:41:21,620 --> 00:41:23,860 and now the French have used it, they've taken it from us. 872 00:41:23,860 --> 00:41:25,500 That's unusual that they would take it 873 00:41:25,500 --> 00:41:27,860 because normally they hold on to their French words... 874 00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:31,780 Yeah, like "le weekend." Like crazy they hold on to those words. 875 00:41:31,780 --> 00:41:32,980 My favourite nom de plume... 876 00:41:32,980 --> 00:41:35,500 - Voltaire had loads and he had about 173. - What?! 877 00:41:35,500 --> 00:41:38,900 Defoe had loads and loads, in fact, including Daniel Defoe, 878 00:41:38,900 --> 00:41:40,700 his real name was Daniel Foe, 879 00:41:40,700 --> 00:41:44,220 - he just bigged himself up with the "De" part. - Oh. 880 00:41:44,220 --> 00:41:46,780 - And Benjamin Franklin. - He lived in Stoke Newington. 881 00:41:46,780 --> 00:41:49,020 - Who did? Daniel Defoe? - Daniel Defoe. 882 00:41:49,020 --> 00:41:51,740 See, I like that because that is where somebody like that 883 00:41:51,740 --> 00:41:54,580 ought to live. There's a wonderful story about a book written by 884 00:41:54,580 --> 00:41:56,700 a man called T Lobsang Rampa. 885 00:41:56,700 --> 00:41:59,700 He was supposedly a Tibetan monk and it was a huge hit, this book, 886 00:41:59,700 --> 00:42:02,980 it was called The Third eye, it was published in 1954, massive hit. 887 00:42:02,980 --> 00:42:07,180 In fact, it was written by a plumber from Plympton... 888 00:42:07,180 --> 00:42:09,180 his name was Cyril Henry Hoskin. 889 00:42:09,180 --> 00:42:12,260 - Hoax, a total hoax. - A total hoax but what I like about it... - Brilliant. 890 00:42:12,260 --> 00:42:14,740 ..he didn't, he wouldn't back down, right? 891 00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:18,860 So he claimed that the soul of the original Lobsang Rampa 892 00:42:18,860 --> 00:42:23,380 had inhabited his body after he fell out of a fir tree in his garden 893 00:42:23,380 --> 00:42:26,900 in Thames Ditton while attempting to photograph an owl. 894 00:42:29,340 --> 00:42:32,420 - If you're going to lie... - Lie big. Go for it. - Yeah. 895 00:42:32,420 --> 00:42:35,580 The French for nom de plume is nom de guerre. 896 00:42:35,580 --> 00:42:38,780 So our panellists emerge at the scores, 897 00:42:38,780 --> 00:42:41,420 but let's see who has made a name for themselves, 898 00:42:41,420 --> 00:42:43,980 and who has a black mark next to theirs. 899 00:42:43,980 --> 00:42:48,340 In fourth place, with a magnificent -2, 900 00:42:48,340 --> 00:42:50,660 it is Phill! 901 00:42:50,660 --> 00:42:53,020 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 902 00:42:55,540 --> 00:42:57,900 - Yes! - In third place, with 4 points, 903 00:42:57,900 --> 00:42:59,140 it's Romesh! 904 00:42:59,140 --> 00:43:01,380 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 905 00:43:03,900 --> 00:43:06,500 OK, I don't know if you're going to be able to guess who wins 906 00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:09,260 if I tell you who's in second place. With 5 points, 907 00:43:09,260 --> 00:43:10,660 it's Cariad. 908 00:43:10,660 --> 00:43:12,460 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 909 00:43:12,460 --> 00:43:14,460 Alan! Oh, my God! 910 00:43:14,460 --> 00:43:17,060 And the winner is Alan, with 7. 911 00:43:17,060 --> 00:43:19,820 EXCITED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 912 00:43:27,900 --> 00:43:29,660 It only remains for me to thank... 913 00:43:29,660 --> 00:43:31,220 I'm going to be UNBEARABLE! 914 00:43:31,220 --> 00:43:33,140 SANDI LAUGHS 915 00:43:33,140 --> 00:43:34,300 I shall bear with it. 916 00:43:34,300 --> 00:43:37,420 It only remains for me to thank Cariad, Phill, Romesh and Alan. 917 00:43:37,420 --> 00:43:40,980 Finally, let me leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget 918 00:43:40,980 --> 00:43:42,540 from the Johannesburg Star. 919 00:43:42,540 --> 00:43:45,540 The Sunday morning quiet of the city centre was shattered 920 00:43:45,540 --> 00:43:47,900 when a man went berserk in Plain Street. 921 00:43:47,900 --> 00:43:50,500 He smashed about 4,000 rands' worth of shop windows 922 00:43:50,500 --> 00:43:52,340 before being shot in the thigh 923 00:43:52,340 --> 00:43:53,900 by a passing churchgoer. 924 00:43:55,140 --> 00:43:56,300 Goodnight. 925 00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:59,140 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE