1 00:00:01,915 --> 00:00:08,445 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:21,405 --> 00:00:24,294 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:32,195 --> 00:00:34,405 Oh, how nice. Thank you very much. 4 00:00:34,405 --> 00:00:36,605 How lovely! 5 00:00:36,605 --> 00:00:41,755 Welcome to QI, where tonight it's a lot of noble rot with knobs on. 6 00:00:41,755 --> 00:00:46,126 Nibbling at the upper crust are the incomparable king of comedy, 7 00:00:46,126 --> 00:00:47,835 Jason Manford. 8 00:00:47,835 --> 00:00:51,795 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, hello. 9 00:00:51,795 --> 00:00:56,126 The quintessential queen of quips, Sara Pascoe. 10 00:00:56,126 --> 00:00:58,356 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,555 --> 00:01:04,205 The peerless prince of pleasantries, Jeremy Clarkson. 12 00:01:04,205 --> 00:01:08,695 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:08,695 --> 00:01:11,205 And Lordy, Lordy, it's Alan Davies. 14 00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:14,925 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:17,415 --> 00:01:20,075 Right. Please ring down for service. 16 00:01:20,075 --> 00:01:21,565 Jason goes... 17 00:01:21,565 --> 00:01:22,996 SMALL BELL TINKLES 18 00:01:22,996 --> 00:01:24,435 Sarah goes... 19 00:01:24,435 --> 00:01:26,096 SCHOOL BELL RINGS 20 00:01:27,365 --> 00:01:28,565 Jeremy goes... 21 00:01:28,565 --> 00:01:30,294 LARGE BELL CLANGS 22 00:01:32,246 --> 00:01:33,795 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:33,795 --> 00:01:35,205 ACAPELLA SINGING 24 00:01:35,205 --> 00:01:36,845 # Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding 25 00:01:36,845 --> 00:01:39,725 # Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding-ding Ring, ring, ring... # 26 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:43,855 Let's start off by hobnobbing with a top nob. 27 00:01:43,855 --> 00:01:48,256 Name a nobleman who invented a hot drink you might enjoy with a hobnob. 28 00:01:48,256 --> 00:01:50,685 JEREMY: Coffee Annan. 29 00:01:50,685 --> 00:01:53,605 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 30 00:01:53,605 --> 00:01:55,645 That's a drink and a snack, I think. 31 00:01:55,645 --> 00:01:57,835 Baron Horlicks? Very good. 32 00:01:57,835 --> 00:02:00,275 Hobnobs, of course, are an impostor 33 00:02:00,275 --> 00:02:02,515 and no nobleman would have had a hobnob. 34 00:02:02,515 --> 00:02:05,055 No, that is true. They have the air of a classic. 35 00:02:05,055 --> 00:02:07,445 They do, and yet it's a PR invention. 36 00:02:07,445 --> 00:02:09,925 Actually, they're a kind of '70s hallucination. 37 00:02:09,925 --> 00:02:13,006 OK. So this hot drink is also a kind of PR invention, 38 00:02:13,006 --> 00:02:16,006 which we call by the name of a Lord, but it isn't really. 39 00:02:16,006 --> 00:02:18,485 Earl Grey. Earl Grey. It is Earl Grey. 40 00:02:18,485 --> 00:02:21,515 It is a black tea which has been flavoured with bergamot oil, 41 00:02:21,515 --> 00:02:22,965 and it is named after Earl Grey. 42 00:02:22,965 --> 00:02:24,876 Almost certainly nothing to do with it. 43 00:02:24,876 --> 00:02:27,405 Even though I think it continues to say so on the packaging. 44 00:02:27,405 --> 00:02:28,645 What about Lady Grey? 45 00:02:28,645 --> 00:02:31,205 I like Lady Grey. I was going to ask that. That's lovely, that one. 46 00:02:31,205 --> 00:02:33,925 Well, you and me both! But... LAUGHTER 47 00:02:33,925 --> 00:02:36,715 It's not a euphemism, it's an actual tea! Oh, I see. 48 00:02:36,715 --> 00:02:38,485 I'm not into Earl Grey. 49 00:02:38,485 --> 00:02:43,325 Why's that? It's like someone's melted some pot pourri in a cup. 50 00:02:43,325 --> 00:02:46,935 The fact it smells exactly like it tastes is weird. 51 00:02:46,935 --> 00:02:49,515 Yeah. You do know you're drunk at a party 52 00:02:49,515 --> 00:02:51,575 if you're eating the pot pourri, don't you? 53 00:02:51,575 --> 00:02:53,615 POT pourri, he started this. 54 00:02:53,615 --> 00:02:56,435 POT pourri. POT pourri is how it's said, isn't it, Jason? 55 00:02:56,435 --> 00:02:58,285 Oh, why, is there another pronunciation of it? 56 00:02:58,285 --> 00:03:00,415 I'm going to say Po Pourri. Oh, I see. 57 00:03:00,415 --> 00:03:02,795 Po Pourri. I don't know, we don't have it in our house. 58 00:03:02,795 --> 00:03:05,495 Have you eaten it? We just have a Magic Tree. 59 00:03:05,495 --> 00:03:07,335 From the car. 60 00:03:07,335 --> 00:03:10,126 It's all over your shirt, Jason, it's all over your shirt! 61 00:03:10,126 --> 00:03:14,765 Do we know why it's been named after Earl Grey? 62 00:03:14,765 --> 00:03:17,155 I've no idea. Indeed, that is correct. He insisted. 63 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:20,715 No, he was probably dead 40 years when somebody first came up with it. 64 00:03:20,715 --> 00:03:22,375 Oh, like Jesus. 65 00:03:22,375 --> 00:03:24,650 LAUGHTER 66 00:03:31,285 --> 00:03:34,925 If I'd said that I'd be in so much... He probably will be. 67 00:03:34,925 --> 00:03:36,355 LAUGHTER 68 00:03:36,355 --> 00:03:38,615 Anybody know what Earl Grey IS famous for? 69 00:03:38,615 --> 00:03:40,205 When was he alive? 70 00:03:40,205 --> 00:03:44,765 Well, I can tell you when he was in government, which is from 1830-1834. 71 00:03:44,765 --> 00:03:47,435 Was it a law? Was it a movement? It is a law. 72 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:48,795 OK, so 1830... 73 00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:51,795 1832 there was an important law. What was that one, Jeremy? Yes. 74 00:03:51,795 --> 00:03:56,006 In 1830... Corn Laws. Repealing the Corn Laws. 75 00:03:56,006 --> 00:03:57,925 It's the Great Reform Act. The police... 76 00:03:57,925 --> 00:03:59,235 That's it! Great Reform Act... 77 00:03:59,235 --> 00:04:00,595 # Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding... # 78 00:04:00,595 --> 00:04:02,715 Yes? The Great Reform Act of 1832. 79 00:04:02,715 --> 00:04:05,809 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 80 00:04:07,235 --> 00:04:10,285 Yes. So the reforming government extended the right to vote 81 00:04:10,285 --> 00:04:13,435 and got rid of the rotten boroughs, when there were, maybe, 82 00:04:13,435 --> 00:04:15,876 only nine voters returning a member of Parliament, 83 00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:18,245 so it helped to re-establish the authority of Parliament. 84 00:04:18,245 --> 00:04:23,235 But it was also that he led the most nepotistic government 85 00:04:23,235 --> 00:04:26,415 in British history. OK? 86 00:04:26,415 --> 00:04:28,285 It was described as the most 87 00:04:28,285 --> 00:04:31,855 aristocratic administration that has ever been formed. 88 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:35,515 All but one of his 13 Cabinet members were either peers 89 00:04:35,515 --> 00:04:38,405 or heirs to a peerage and, in the lower ranks, 90 00:04:38,405 --> 00:04:42,006 Iarge numbers of his own family. Did they call it 50 Shades Of Grey? 91 00:04:42,006 --> 00:04:44,525 They should have done. LAUGHTER 92 00:04:44,525 --> 00:04:46,652 They would have been ahead of the game. And pretty sexy. 93 00:04:48,085 --> 00:04:49,725 I don't... 94 00:04:49,725 --> 00:04:52,155 Tea, of course, the great British cure-all. 95 00:04:52,155 --> 00:04:54,695 There are some historians who consider that tea ought to take 96 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:57,006 credit for the fact that the Industrial Revolution 97 00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:59,205 happened first in Britain. Why might that be? 98 00:04:59,205 --> 00:05:01,876 Caffeine. What, keeping you awake? Yes. 99 00:05:01,876 --> 00:05:04,447 No, it's not that. What was the question? 100 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:07,495 No, I was, I'm a bit deaf. 101 00:05:07,495 --> 00:05:10,695 I'm so glad you joined us. You're mocking the afflicted. 102 00:05:10,695 --> 00:05:12,345 Not at all. That's my job! 103 00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:15,075 SHE SHOUTS: Some historians take a view... 104 00:05:15,075 --> 00:05:16,695 Yep. 105 00:05:16,695 --> 00:05:19,085 It was last Tuesday! LAUGHTER 106 00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:22,055 There are historians who take a view that tea is responsible 107 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,595 for the Industrial Revolution. Why might it be? 108 00:05:24,595 --> 00:05:27,565 A determination to get tea here quickly? No. 109 00:05:27,565 --> 00:05:30,445 So, industrialisation, what happens is you get a concentration 110 00:05:30,445 --> 00:05:33,805 of the population in cities and that usually leads to epidemics. 111 00:05:33,805 --> 00:05:35,085 However, in Britain 112 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,595 the health got better rather than worse in cities... 113 00:05:37,595 --> 00:05:39,075 Oh, cos they were boiling the water? 114 00:05:39,075 --> 00:05:41,805 Because they were boiling the water. They didn't have the germs. 115 00:05:41,805 --> 00:05:44,155 Exactly right. So other foods associated, I don't know, 116 00:05:44,155 --> 00:05:46,525 more or less plausibly with eponymous nobles? 117 00:05:46,525 --> 00:05:48,055 Baron Kit Kat? 118 00:05:48,055 --> 00:05:51,415 A Baron Kit Kat sounds like one without chocolate on it, doesn't it? 119 00:05:51,415 --> 00:05:53,925 LAUGHTER 120 00:05:53,925 --> 00:05:56,235 APPLAUSE 121 00:05:56,235 --> 00:05:58,495 Beef Wellington. Beef Wellington! 122 00:05:58,495 --> 00:06:01,695 Good one. Which I find too rich. Does anybody like beef Wellington? 123 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,245 I like it, me. Do you? Yeah, we didn't get it much at school. 124 00:06:04,245 --> 00:06:07,165 Did you not? I've grown into the taste, yeah. 125 00:06:07,165 --> 00:06:10,855 Battenberg cake, which was created especially for 126 00:06:10,855 --> 00:06:14,955 the marriage of Prince Louis of Battenberg in 1884. 127 00:06:14,955 --> 00:06:18,126 Are we looking for titled people who give their names to food? 128 00:06:18,126 --> 00:06:20,055 Well, yes. That would be ideal. 129 00:06:20,055 --> 00:06:21,415 LAUGHTER 130 00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:22,765 Wellington. 131 00:06:22,765 --> 00:06:25,955 I will catch up with you in about five minutes. 132 00:06:25,955 --> 00:06:27,405 LAUGHTER 133 00:06:27,405 --> 00:06:31,325 It's a new thing. Honestly, have you tried being deaf? 134 00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:32,965 It's bloody difficult! 135 00:06:32,965 --> 00:06:35,165 You can't... Sorry? It is. 136 00:06:35,165 --> 00:06:39,245 Put your fingers in your ears. It's all just like I'm underwater. 137 00:06:39,245 --> 00:06:44,136 I'll lean forwards like that then I can stay in tune. If you say so. 138 00:06:44,136 --> 00:06:46,006 Anyway. Moving on. 139 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:49,525 One way to get a good job is to be a nobleman's nephew. 140 00:06:49,525 --> 00:06:54,006 But how can you improve your job prospects by getting nicked? 141 00:06:54,006 --> 00:06:56,285 Is this Duke of Marlborough type stuff? 142 00:06:56,285 --> 00:06:58,315 No. Not particularly. 143 00:06:58,315 --> 00:07:00,495 We have to think about other words for... 144 00:07:00,495 --> 00:07:03,085 Oh! So if you're trying to get a job, and it would be good if you 145 00:07:03,085 --> 00:07:06,085 got nicked, maybe the job is, like, testing how sharp paper is. 146 00:07:06,085 --> 00:07:09,485 OK. And are people going to get paper cuts? That meaning of nicked. 147 00:07:09,485 --> 00:07:12,175 That would be a great job. I would like that. Just work with paper 148 00:07:12,175 --> 00:07:14,245 all day, like - those ones are too sharp. 149 00:07:14,245 --> 00:07:15,245 That one's lovely. 150 00:07:15,245 --> 00:07:18,415 What about when you lick an envelope and you cut your lip? 151 00:07:18,415 --> 00:07:20,495 Oh! Yeah. That would be, like, for the boss person 152 00:07:20,495 --> 00:07:22,215 to do that one, with tongues involved. 153 00:07:22,215 --> 00:07:24,016 Half your face falls off. 154 00:07:24,016 --> 00:07:26,725 Yeah. OK, weirdly... That's how the Joker got like that. 155 00:07:26,725 --> 00:07:30,795 Weirdly... An envelope accident. ..you are in the right area. 156 00:07:30,795 --> 00:07:33,775 Excellent...of cutting your face. 157 00:07:33,775 --> 00:07:36,605 Shaving! Shavers! 158 00:07:36,605 --> 00:07:39,765 No. Razors! Barber! No, it's nothing to do with shaving. 159 00:07:39,765 --> 00:07:42,045 It is until the Second World War 160 00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:46,775 the tradition of duelling with swords was absolutely woven 161 00:07:46,775 --> 00:07:49,645 into the fabric of life in the higher echelons of society. 162 00:07:49,645 --> 00:07:51,965 We are talking about the German-speaking world, 163 00:07:51,965 --> 00:07:53,285 I should be specific. 164 00:07:53,285 --> 00:07:54,725 And the professional classes, 165 00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:58,035 they wore the resulting scars on their cheeks as badges of honour. 166 00:07:58,035 --> 00:08:02,245 And even today there's about 160 student duelling clubs. 167 00:08:02,245 --> 00:08:04,925 We can have a look at them fighting here. 168 00:08:04,925 --> 00:08:07,035 So one of the things is you mustn't move. 169 00:08:07,035 --> 00:08:08,845 You're not allowed to move your feet at all. 170 00:08:08,845 --> 00:08:10,775 You have to keep your left hand behind your back. 171 00:08:10,775 --> 00:08:12,645 Are they beekeepers or...? LAUGHTER 172 00:08:12,645 --> 00:08:14,085 They're a bit like Freemasons. 173 00:08:14,085 --> 00:08:16,495 And so the old boys of these duelling clubs, 174 00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:20,655 they absolutely dominate lots and lots of the jobs in big business. 175 00:08:20,655 --> 00:08:22,375 And you can see it's very ritualised, 176 00:08:22,375 --> 00:08:24,785 and they have these extraordinary get-togethers. 177 00:08:24,785 --> 00:08:27,685 They sing patriotic songs and they have such prodigious 178 00:08:27,685 --> 00:08:31,865 beer-drinking contests that they have special puking basins. 179 00:08:31,865 --> 00:08:33,965 Is this before the fight? 180 00:08:33,965 --> 00:08:36,016 I'm very much hoping it's afterwards. 181 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,455 I very much... That would be great, drunk-duelling. 182 00:08:38,455 --> 00:08:41,395 I'd like to see that. I think you did that on about series 16 183 00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:42,896 of Top Gear, didn't you? 184 00:08:42,896 --> 00:08:45,335 LAUGHTER 185 00:08:45,335 --> 00:08:47,325 And the scars, they're known as schmitte, 186 00:08:47,325 --> 00:08:49,935 or Renommierschmisser, 187 00:08:49,935 --> 00:08:51,865 and they're known as bragging scars. 188 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,685 HE SLURS: I was really drunk... 189 00:08:54,685 --> 00:08:56,335 They were terrible injuries. 190 00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:59,045 In 1566 the Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe 191 00:08:59,045 --> 00:09:01,605 Iost his nose to a fellow student. 192 00:09:01,605 --> 00:09:03,886 Sorry, he was an astronomer? 193 00:09:03,886 --> 00:09:06,805 A famous Danish astronomer. So I'm trying on each show, Jason, 194 00:09:06,805 --> 00:09:09,016 to put in a random Scandinavian fact. 195 00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,255 Good. Which I call my Randy Scandi. 196 00:09:11,255 --> 00:09:13,045 LAUGHTER 197 00:09:13,045 --> 00:09:15,575 He lost his nose and he had to wear a brass 198 00:09:15,575 --> 00:09:17,965 prosthetic for the rest of his life. Brass? Brass, yeah. 199 00:09:17,965 --> 00:09:21,245 You'd look a bit ridiculous going through airport metal detectors. 200 00:09:21,245 --> 00:09:24,535 That's right. They couldn't get a better nose replacement than brass, 201 00:09:24,535 --> 00:09:26,325 but there were aeroplanes. 202 00:09:26,325 --> 00:09:28,020 LAUGHTER He can't hear. 203 00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:32,095 This is the best, we can say anything we want about Jeremy 204 00:09:32,095 --> 00:09:33,096 and he can't hear us. 205 00:09:35,965 --> 00:09:38,136 LARGE BELL CHIMES 206 00:09:38,136 --> 00:09:40,457 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 207 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,725 Can we get Jeremy a trumpet, one of those trumpets? Yes! 208 00:09:44,725 --> 00:09:46,445 I want to get back to his nose. 209 00:09:46,445 --> 00:09:48,525 Why did they fit a brass one? 210 00:09:48,525 --> 00:09:51,766 It's a talking point, isn't it? They had chewing gum in those days. 211 00:09:51,766 --> 00:09:54,215 How did they fit it? There was an adhesive, 212 00:09:54,215 --> 00:09:56,315 but he is said to have had a green line on his face 213 00:09:56,315 --> 00:09:58,725 where the adhesive... And it's possible he also had 214 00:09:58,725 --> 00:10:00,925 a special gold or silver one for parties. 215 00:10:00,925 --> 00:10:02,215 He's an interesting guy. 216 00:10:02,215 --> 00:10:04,565 He was really concerned about the look of things, 217 00:10:04,565 --> 00:10:08,815 and it is possible that he died from extremely good manners. 218 00:10:08,815 --> 00:10:11,525 So 1601, he was at a banquet, and it wasn't the thing, 219 00:10:11,525 --> 00:10:15,405 when you are at a banquet, to excuse yourself to go and wee. 220 00:10:15,405 --> 00:10:18,605 And he may or may not have died of a burst bladder. 221 00:10:18,605 --> 00:10:20,495 Or maybe he was doing coke? 222 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,095 Again... 223 00:10:22,095 --> 00:10:25,455 Which would probably be really tricky with a brass nose. 224 00:10:25,455 --> 00:10:28,016 Yeah. I think I'd have denim. 225 00:10:28,016 --> 00:10:30,815 LAUGHTER 226 00:10:30,815 --> 00:10:32,585 Or gingham for parties. 227 00:10:32,585 --> 00:10:34,455 LAUGHTER 228 00:10:34,455 --> 00:10:37,026 Like kitchen curtains. There's a hole! 229 00:10:37,026 --> 00:10:39,016 LAUGHTER 230 00:10:39,016 --> 00:10:41,125 Or you'd have a miniature sword... 231 00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:43,093 LAUGHTER 232 00:10:47,175 --> 00:10:49,125 "Look, madam, look at my rapier!" 233 00:10:49,125 --> 00:10:51,815 Terrible if you're trying to get off with someone. 234 00:10:51,815 --> 00:10:53,464 "Oh, sorry!" 235 00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:59,525 Unless they'd lost their nose as well, and they had a little shield. 236 00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:02,016 That's how you'd know you were made for each other. 237 00:11:02,016 --> 00:11:03,540 Literally, been made for each other. 238 00:11:04,945 --> 00:11:08,405 Duelling scars were so valued that people sometimes inflicted them 239 00:11:08,405 --> 00:11:12,045 on themselves, or they would stuff horsehair into the wound, 240 00:11:12,045 --> 00:11:15,405 pour red wine onto it, they wanted it to be as prominent as possible. 241 00:11:15,405 --> 00:11:19,375 And having a manly scar was once thought to make one 242 00:11:19,375 --> 00:11:20,865 good marriage material. 243 00:11:20,865 --> 00:11:23,245 So would you be more or less likely to go out with somebody, 244 00:11:23,245 --> 00:11:27,685 Sara, who had a scar? Particularly on the face. I'm not scarrist. No. 245 00:11:27,685 --> 00:11:30,325 I mean, I would like to say I'm not that shallow at all 246 00:11:30,325 --> 00:11:32,805 and I go for personality. Yeah, but... 247 00:11:32,805 --> 00:11:36,006 But, love a man with a scar. 248 00:11:36,006 --> 00:11:38,935 Well, there's been recent research on this which is really interesting 249 00:11:38,935 --> 00:11:42,745 which suggest that women do indeed favour men with scars. Do they? 250 00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,776 But for short-term relationships. 251 00:11:44,776 --> 00:11:47,665 Oh, yeah, women tend to change their tastes when they're ovulating. 252 00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,385 Do you know about these studies? No. 253 00:11:49,385 --> 00:11:52,135 And they think it comes from our multi-partnering history where 254 00:11:52,135 --> 00:11:55,615 essentially we pair up with guys who would make, if we're straight, 255 00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,886 good fathers, but when we're ovulating, 256 00:11:57,886 --> 00:12:00,175 we fancy something a big bigger and rougher. 257 00:12:00,175 --> 00:12:02,535 The one with the scar. Yeah. 258 00:12:02,535 --> 00:12:04,655 It depends how we got the scar, really. 259 00:12:04,655 --> 00:12:09,016 My scar is from a clutch pedal going through my leg on a lorry. 260 00:12:09,016 --> 00:12:10,495 But that's not interesting... 261 00:12:10,495 --> 00:12:11,951 # Sexy! # 262 00:12:14,095 --> 00:12:16,051 This is why we've sat you two far apart. 263 00:12:17,685 --> 00:12:20,855 I don't go around saying, "No, this scar was from saving 264 00:12:20,855 --> 00:12:23,405 "a school bus full of children and a tiger came." 265 00:12:23,405 --> 00:12:25,295 That would be quite good. That's a good scar. 266 00:12:25,295 --> 00:12:26,735 But, "I had an accident in a lorry 267 00:12:26,735 --> 00:12:29,685 "and the clutch pedal went through my leg" is dreary, don't you think? 268 00:12:29,685 --> 00:12:32,125 You say that but I'm actually ovulating at the moment 269 00:12:32,125 --> 00:12:33,455 and I find it... 270 00:12:33,455 --> 00:12:35,855 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 271 00:12:40,525 --> 00:12:43,295 Anybody think women did duelling, or just a boy's thing? 272 00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:46,405 Have you been to the Bigg Market in Newcastle on a Saturday night? 273 00:12:46,405 --> 00:12:49,485 I hope that women did do duelling as well. 274 00:12:49,485 --> 00:12:52,642 Yeah, they did. It was called petticoat duels 275 00:12:52,642 --> 00:12:54,532 and possibly the most famous... 276 00:12:54,532 --> 00:12:56,772 ALAN MIMICS GUNSHOT 277 00:12:56,772 --> 00:12:58,808 LAUGHTER 278 00:13:02,442 --> 00:13:04,733 A kind of a snatch-and-grab! 279 00:13:04,733 --> 00:13:06,655 LAUGHTER 280 00:13:07,902 --> 00:13:10,292 Never thought of hiding a pistol there. 281 00:13:10,292 --> 00:13:13,332 So the most famous one, 1892 in Austria, 282 00:13:13,332 --> 00:13:15,802 it was a topless duel... 283 00:13:15,802 --> 00:13:18,652 Oh, that's brilliant! Channel 5, where are you? 284 00:13:18,652 --> 00:13:21,062 LAUGHTER 285 00:13:21,062 --> 00:13:24,422 ..between Princess Metternich and Countess Kielmannsegg 286 00:13:24,422 --> 00:13:27,052 and what I love about it, it's said to have been caused by 287 00:13:27,052 --> 00:13:29,252 a disagreement over a flower arrangement. 288 00:13:29,252 --> 00:13:30,723 Any excuse. 289 00:13:30,723 --> 00:13:33,692 That sounds like, "Yeah, well, I don't like the flowers, 290 00:13:33,692 --> 00:13:35,542 "so get your top off!" 291 00:13:35,542 --> 00:13:38,142 LAUGHTER 292 00:13:38,142 --> 00:13:40,772 I'll duel you! 293 00:13:40,772 --> 00:13:43,802 Apparently both the women were worried that if they were wounded 294 00:13:43,802 --> 00:13:46,983 and some fabric got into the wound it would get infected. 295 00:13:46,983 --> 00:13:50,452 It's the very first emancipated duel, in that every single person 296 00:13:50,452 --> 00:13:53,082 who took part, all the seconds, the two duellers 297 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,372 and indeed the medic, were all women. 298 00:13:55,372 --> 00:13:57,002 It's hard to say who won. 299 00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,332 The Princess, she was injured first, on the nose, 300 00:13:59,332 --> 00:14:01,122 so the Countess got first blood, as it were. 301 00:14:01,122 --> 00:14:03,652 But she was then injured on the arm which is a better wound. 302 00:14:03,652 --> 00:14:06,652 So there's points for where you cut the person, then? 303 00:14:06,652 --> 00:14:08,412 Who does better. OK. 304 00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:10,642 As long as you come out with both your nipples 305 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,162 I'm sure you'll be all right. 306 00:14:12,162 --> 00:14:14,012 Oh! 307 00:14:14,012 --> 00:14:16,572 LAUGHTER 308 00:14:18,762 --> 00:14:20,723 Milk everywhere. 309 00:14:20,723 --> 00:14:22,702 AUDIENCE GROANS 310 00:14:22,702 --> 00:14:25,012 Boobs aren't full of milk! 311 00:14:25,012 --> 00:14:27,492 That's not why we have... 312 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:30,006 Do you suppose that there's milk all the time? 313 00:14:31,092 --> 00:14:33,652 We've got a baby in the house, there's milk everywhere. 314 00:14:36,122 --> 00:14:38,215 Boobs are sometimes full of milk. 315 00:14:39,282 --> 00:14:40,652 Possibly not those four. 316 00:14:40,652 --> 00:14:43,052 Perhaps they weren't at the time of the duel. 317 00:14:43,052 --> 00:14:45,213 LAUGHTER 318 00:14:47,622 --> 00:14:49,342 "Stop it!" 319 00:14:49,342 --> 00:14:51,014 "Stop it!" 320 00:14:53,422 --> 00:14:55,743 "You are perforated." 321 00:14:57,652 --> 00:15:00,292 I often wonder how we get to where we do. 322 00:15:00,292 --> 00:15:01,932 LAUGHTER 323 00:15:01,932 --> 00:15:05,012 The rule for German businessmen is, "You scratch my cheek 324 00:15:05,012 --> 00:15:10,062 "and I'll scratch yours." How can you tell a nob from a yob? 325 00:15:10,062 --> 00:15:12,652 So we were talking about PO pourri and POT pourri. 326 00:15:12,652 --> 00:15:16,292 How would you know your upper-class from your not so upper-class? 327 00:15:16,292 --> 00:15:18,422 Would they say he's a YOBE? 328 00:15:18,422 --> 00:15:20,902 A NOBE and a YOBE. 329 00:15:20,902 --> 00:15:23,212 It is absolutely to do with what you say. 330 00:15:23,212 --> 00:15:26,733 So in 1954 there was a linguistics professor at Aston University 331 00:15:26,733 --> 00:15:30,082 in Birmingham called Alan Ross. And he devised the terms 332 00:15:30,082 --> 00:15:32,983 U and non-U to distinguish speech patterns 333 00:15:32,983 --> 00:15:35,882 of the English upper classes and what they, unfortunately, called 334 00:15:35,882 --> 00:15:37,292 the lower social strata. 335 00:15:37,292 --> 00:15:40,212 The following year, Nancy Mitford, the extraordinary... 336 00:15:40,212 --> 00:15:42,492 one of the Mitford sisters - there she is on the right there 337 00:15:42,492 --> 00:15:44,412 with her sisters Unity and Diana - 338 00:15:44,412 --> 00:15:47,342 she picked this up in an essay and she said that, nowadays, 339 00:15:47,342 --> 00:15:49,882 you couldn't tell the upper classes, cos they were no longer 340 00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:52,292 cleaner, richer or better-educated than anybody else. 341 00:15:52,292 --> 00:15:54,212 It was principally by language, 342 00:15:54,212 --> 00:15:56,892 and this caused tremendous anxiety in the middle-classes. 343 00:15:56,892 --> 00:15:59,882 So the question is, would you use loo paper or toilet paper? 344 00:15:59,882 --> 00:16:02,332 Bog roll! 345 00:16:02,332 --> 00:16:04,292 LAUGHTER 346 00:16:04,292 --> 00:16:06,622 Do you know, it really is an interesting question. 347 00:16:06,622 --> 00:16:09,723 I was away last week, I was Namibia, and I went up to the man, 348 00:16:09,723 --> 00:16:12,332 cos we were camping. I said, "Have you got any bog roll?" 349 00:16:12,332 --> 00:16:15,292 And he went, "What?" Like, it obviously doesn't work in Namibia. 350 00:16:15,292 --> 00:16:18,572 And I was actually flummoxed, thinking, "Now, what do I say?" 351 00:16:18,572 --> 00:16:19,932 What did you do, did you mime? 352 00:16:19,932 --> 00:16:21,782 Yes, I did. Did you? 353 00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:23,622 Rather than say loo roll. 354 00:16:23,622 --> 00:16:25,162 Which is just... I know. 355 00:16:25,162 --> 00:16:26,936 LAUGHTER 356 00:16:28,412 --> 00:16:30,973 That's the whole thing with powder rooms, wasn't it, 357 00:16:30,973 --> 00:16:33,983 so women never had to say where's the bathroom or the toilet. 358 00:16:33,983 --> 00:16:36,292 The best I heard from that, I had a girlfriend years ago, 359 00:16:36,292 --> 00:16:37,983 went to see a very posh friend of mine. 360 00:16:37,983 --> 00:16:41,652 And his mother, when she got there, this girlfriend of mine, said, 361 00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:43,622 "Would you like to look in a mirror?" 362 00:16:43,622 --> 00:16:46,162 Which means would you like to go and have a piss. But... 363 00:16:46,162 --> 00:16:49,302 What? It can mean "Do you want a line of coke?" 364 00:16:52,882 --> 00:16:55,002 Depends what party you're at. 365 00:16:55,002 --> 00:16:59,652 Here's an interesting fact about wiping your bum. Yes. 366 00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:02,222 I worked this out on the last tour of mine, right. 367 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,062 Half the population, right, when they're wiping their bottom, 368 00:17:05,062 --> 00:17:09,012 they stand up, a hand goes back and they wipe, right. 369 00:17:09,012 --> 00:17:12,733 And the other half, they stay sat down and reach in and have a wipe. 370 00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:16,422 And the weirdest thing is one half, until I just said it now, 371 00:17:16,422 --> 00:17:19,422 didn't even know the other half existed. 372 00:17:19,422 --> 00:17:22,452 How did you get inspired to start this survey? Yeah. 373 00:17:22,452 --> 00:17:25,172 How did you know about the other people? 374 00:17:25,172 --> 00:17:26,702 I think I just walked in on someone. 375 00:17:26,702 --> 00:17:28,132 LAUGHTER 376 00:17:28,132 --> 00:17:29,983 I was like, "What are you doing?" 377 00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:32,603 "This is how you wipe your bum." I went, "It isn't, watch this." 378 00:17:32,603 --> 00:17:34,702 LAUGHTER 379 00:17:34,702 --> 00:17:37,812 So this is a survey based on two people? 380 00:17:37,812 --> 00:17:39,652 LAUGHTER 381 00:17:39,652 --> 00:17:42,012 I started mentioning it on tour. Oh, started mentioning it... 382 00:17:42,012 --> 00:17:44,863 And I noticed that... We'll do it now. OK. Right. 383 00:17:44,863 --> 00:17:46,452 LAUGHTER 384 00:17:46,452 --> 00:17:49,723 If you stand up after you've finished and wipe your bottom... 385 00:17:49,723 --> 00:17:52,132 Yeah...give me a cheer. 386 00:17:52,132 --> 00:17:53,983 AUDIENCE CHEERS 387 00:17:53,983 --> 00:17:56,362 If you stay sat down and reach in and wipe your bottom, 388 00:17:56,362 --> 00:17:58,372 give us a cheer. AUDIENCE CHEERS 389 00:17:58,372 --> 00:18:01,442 50-50. It's weird! It's weird! 390 00:18:01,442 --> 00:18:03,603 APPLAUSE 391 00:18:06,132 --> 00:18:08,292 I didn't think it is 50-50. 392 00:18:08,292 --> 00:18:11,132 I thought the ones who sit down were a slightly camper noise. 393 00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,983 LAUGHTER 394 00:18:12,983 --> 00:18:15,572 When you go to a festival or any outdoor event, 395 00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:19,082 what is it that causes somebody to sit down on the lavatory 396 00:18:19,082 --> 00:18:22,772 and then completely mess up all the rest of it? 397 00:18:22,772 --> 00:18:25,342 "What shall I do with that? I'll throw it on the floor. 398 00:18:25,342 --> 00:18:28,603 "Then I'll completely unravel all the rest of the bog and then, 399 00:18:28,603 --> 00:18:31,782 "somehow, get all that blue stuff all over the seat." 400 00:18:31,782 --> 00:18:34,743 You think, do you do that at home? I mean, how...? 401 00:18:34,743 --> 00:18:37,018 LSD! They're on LSD. 402 00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:39,972 Ah! 403 00:18:39,972 --> 00:18:41,621 LAUGHTER 404 00:18:49,302 --> 00:18:51,542 APPLAUSE 405 00:18:51,542 --> 00:18:54,172 I'm in a blue box! 406 00:18:54,172 --> 00:18:55,702 I'm more suspicious. 407 00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:58,812 I think they might have known that you were behind them in the queue. 408 00:18:58,812 --> 00:19:00,972 LAUGHTER 409 00:19:00,972 --> 00:19:03,252 It's every one of them! Every single one you ever go. 410 00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:04,962 They can't all imagine I'm in there. 411 00:19:04,962 --> 00:19:07,252 Although somebody did once push one of those things over 412 00:19:07,252 --> 00:19:10,582 when I was in it. Yes, they did know it was me. 413 00:19:10,582 --> 00:19:12,582 Did they? At least you can stand up. 414 00:19:12,582 --> 00:19:15,332 For women it's really difficult because you sort of have to hover. 415 00:19:15,332 --> 00:19:17,062 And I remember one time I went to the ladies, 416 00:19:17,062 --> 00:19:19,372 and the lock didn't quite work. This is a very tricky 417 00:19:19,372 --> 00:19:21,892 moment for a woman, because you have to sort of hover... 418 00:19:21,892 --> 00:19:23,662 LAUGHTER 419 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:26,332 And I...so obsessed with not making a mess on the seat, I thought, 420 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,502 "Oh, sod it, I'll just sit down." And as I sat down 421 00:19:28,502 --> 00:19:30,853 the door burst open and a woman came straight in 422 00:19:30,853 --> 00:19:33,702 and she went, "Oh, I'm so sorry." And then she shut the door again. 423 00:19:33,702 --> 00:19:35,252 And then she burst it open again 424 00:19:35,252 --> 00:19:37,522 and she went, "You're Sandi Toksvig. Can I...?" 425 00:19:37,522 --> 00:19:40,855 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 426 00:19:42,572 --> 00:19:44,324 "Give us a minute!" 427 00:19:45,502 --> 00:19:48,863 Let's find out which side of the tracks you were born on. 428 00:19:48,863 --> 00:19:50,702 Let's play Posh Or Becks. 429 00:19:50,702 --> 00:19:52,897 SWINGING JAZZ-STYLE JINGLE 430 00:19:54,502 --> 00:19:57,372 Are you going to be Posh or are you going to be Becks? OK. 431 00:19:57,372 --> 00:19:59,892 Question, you get a bit squiffy at a do, 432 00:19:59,892 --> 00:20:02,372 what's the one thing you shouldn't do? 433 00:20:02,372 --> 00:20:05,882 Don't mention your allegiance to the Nazis. 434 00:20:05,882 --> 00:20:08,100 It depends which sister you're out with, really. 435 00:20:09,422 --> 00:20:13,452 Is it anything to do with being ill? 436 00:20:13,452 --> 00:20:16,733 No, it's to do with being argumentative. Oh, don't... 437 00:20:16,733 --> 00:20:18,422 So, don't have an argument. 438 00:20:18,422 --> 00:20:21,652 What Nancy said was, "When drunk, gentlemen often become amorous, 439 00:20:21,652 --> 00:20:25,372 "or maudlin or vomit in public but they never become truculent." 440 00:20:25,372 --> 00:20:28,782 So when you're drunk, next time, think, "I'm not doing truculent. 441 00:20:28,782 --> 00:20:30,374 "Truculent is not happening." 442 00:20:32,212 --> 00:20:33,603 So, tell me what you can see here 443 00:20:33,603 --> 00:20:35,422 and make sure you watch your Ps and Qs. 444 00:20:35,422 --> 00:20:38,092 So, let's start on the left, what do you see? 445 00:20:38,092 --> 00:20:40,882 Tutu. It's not to do with the clothing, it's to do with the... 446 00:20:40,882 --> 00:20:44,692 Ballerina. There are boys and there are... Girls. Girls. 447 00:20:44,692 --> 00:20:49,792 So, if you are posh, you pronounce girl to rhyme with hell. "Gehl." 448 00:20:49,792 --> 00:20:52,942 Or Hal, "gal." Not to rhyme with curl, not girl. 449 00:20:52,942 --> 00:20:54,102 That's a Bridgestone tyre, 450 00:20:54,102 --> 00:20:56,222 that's probably not relevant, though, is it? 451 00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,883 LAUGHTER 452 00:21:00,332 --> 00:21:02,983 Nothing wrong with your eyes, Jeremy. 453 00:21:04,252 --> 00:21:06,982 So, what's the next one, next to the gal, what's the next one? 454 00:21:06,982 --> 00:21:09,692 That would be a golf ball. It's a "gof" ball, though. Absolutely. 455 00:21:09,692 --> 00:21:11,252 I don't want to be technical as well 456 00:21:11,252 --> 00:21:13,015 but golf balls aren't usually that big. 457 00:21:14,142 --> 00:21:16,792 No, it's really more for the purposes of illustration. 458 00:21:16,792 --> 00:21:18,373 It depends where you're stood. 459 00:21:19,462 --> 00:21:22,592 If you're stood down the fairway, it probably does look that big. 460 00:21:22,592 --> 00:21:26,142 It is without the L if you are posh. Gof? Gof ball. 461 00:21:26,142 --> 00:21:28,542 Well, they're saying it wrong! 462 00:21:28,542 --> 00:21:31,818 I mean, that's not posh and common, that's right and wrong. 463 00:21:33,382 --> 00:21:34,592 It has got an L in it. 464 00:21:34,592 --> 00:21:38,332 I heard somebody refer the other day to the Alps as the "Awps". 465 00:21:38,332 --> 00:21:40,102 The poshest person I've ever heard. 466 00:21:40,102 --> 00:21:42,582 What about the next one, what about the Bridgestone? 467 00:21:42,582 --> 00:21:44,502 A "tahr". Tahr. Tahr. 468 00:21:44,502 --> 00:21:46,582 Tahr, yeah. And the next one? 469 00:21:46,582 --> 00:21:50,692 "Larn." Larn. To rhyme with barn. 470 00:21:50,692 --> 00:21:52,022 You have to say these things 471 00:21:52,022 --> 00:21:54,024 as if you have got a "gof" ball in your mouth. 472 00:21:55,372 --> 00:21:59,012 Anyway, what's so darn shocking about this map? 473 00:21:59,012 --> 00:22:02,102 Is "darn" important? Darn is very important, yeah. 474 00:22:02,102 --> 00:22:05,172 So it's something to do with knitting? No, not that kind of darn. 475 00:22:05,172 --> 00:22:07,853 In the United States what might darn be for? 476 00:22:07,853 --> 00:22:09,902 Darn! Darn! People who say "darn"? 477 00:22:09,902 --> 00:22:14,613 Yes, people who say "darn". It's a euphemism for "damn" from 1781. 478 00:22:14,613 --> 00:22:18,092 And this is its Gi-z score. 479 00:22:18,092 --> 00:22:19,502 OK. 480 00:22:19,502 --> 00:22:22,012 LAUGHTER 481 00:22:22,012 --> 00:22:24,412 It's statistics, people. 482 00:22:24,412 --> 00:22:26,412 LAUGHTER 483 00:22:26,412 --> 00:22:29,502 There was an analysis done of nine billion words in... 484 00:22:29,502 --> 00:22:32,822 Nine billion... ..in America...ejaculations! 485 00:22:32,822 --> 00:22:34,382 LAUGHTER 486 00:22:34,382 --> 00:22:36,892 Blue's bad, but orange is really bad! 487 00:22:36,892 --> 00:22:38,268 LAUGHTER 488 00:22:40,152 --> 00:22:43,692 Nine billion words in American tweets and then they geocoded them, 489 00:22:43,692 --> 00:22:46,262 so they analysed where they are, pinpointing it on a map. 490 00:22:46,262 --> 00:22:48,222 And then they displayed them as heat maps. 491 00:22:48,222 --> 00:22:49,743 So this is "darn". 492 00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:53,532 And if you look at the more the word is used, the darker the red colour. 493 00:22:53,532 --> 00:22:56,382 And the less it's used, the darker the blue. 494 00:22:56,382 --> 00:22:58,452 So it shows that darn is used very heavily 495 00:22:58,452 --> 00:23:01,052 in the northern-central states, well, in tweets, at the least. 496 00:23:01,052 --> 00:23:03,743 Is that Kansas right in the middle? Yes. 497 00:23:03,743 --> 00:23:06,902 Oklahoma's the one with the sticky-out side bit. 498 00:23:06,902 --> 00:23:09,743 Yes, you've totally got the hang of America. I know some of these. 499 00:23:09,743 --> 00:23:12,372 Utah. I'm quite good at these. 500 00:23:12,372 --> 00:23:14,340 We don't know where you're pointing! 501 00:23:16,102 --> 00:23:20,662 New York, California, Florida. Got them all, got them all. 502 00:23:20,662 --> 00:23:22,652 The genius Joan Rivers said that 503 00:23:22,652 --> 00:23:26,252 intelligence was something to do with proximity to water. 504 00:23:26,252 --> 00:23:28,292 She said, "If you look at the United States, 505 00:23:28,292 --> 00:23:30,412 "you get a lot of clever people on the coast, 506 00:23:30,412 --> 00:23:33,172 "and then it goes clever, dumber, dumber, dumber, 507 00:23:33,172 --> 00:23:34,942 "Kansas." 508 00:23:34,942 --> 00:23:37,152 LAUGHTER 509 00:23:37,152 --> 00:23:38,692 So have a look at this one. 510 00:23:38,692 --> 00:23:41,662 What word do you think this map represents? 511 00:23:41,662 --> 00:23:44,262 It's another American swearword. 512 00:23:44,262 --> 00:23:45,542 "Golly". 513 00:23:45,542 --> 00:23:47,743 You're close, it's "gosh". 514 00:23:47,743 --> 00:23:50,332 Gosh. Gosh. Gosh darn! 515 00:23:50,332 --> 00:23:51,902 So heavily used around Texas - 516 00:23:51,902 --> 00:23:54,302 you can see where the red is and hardly at all up in New England. 517 00:23:54,302 --> 00:23:56,542 They don't use "gosh" very much. 518 00:23:56,542 --> 00:23:59,532 I like these ones. Is this words that people use when they jizz? 519 00:23:59,532 --> 00:24:01,972 Is that what it is? 520 00:24:01,972 --> 00:24:03,582 LAUGHTER "Gosh!" 521 00:24:03,582 --> 00:24:06,733 LAUGHTER 522 00:24:06,733 --> 00:24:08,652 "Gosh darn it! 523 00:24:08,652 --> 00:24:10,381 "I'm sorry, Miss Ellen." 524 00:24:11,892 --> 00:24:14,452 This show's changing, isn't it? 525 00:24:14,452 --> 00:24:16,733 Yeah. And I'm just trying to wrestle it back. 526 00:24:16,733 --> 00:24:18,652 So have a look at this one. 527 00:24:18,652 --> 00:24:20,022 Very heavily used in New England, 528 00:24:20,022 --> 00:24:21,942 hardly used in the south-east at all. 529 00:24:21,942 --> 00:24:23,692 Goddamn! It's "asshole"! 530 00:24:23,692 --> 00:24:25,582 Asshole. Asshole. Of course. 531 00:24:25,582 --> 00:24:27,462 That and... Do they not use it, then? 532 00:24:27,462 --> 00:24:29,772 They don't say "asshole" in Arkansas? Georgia. 533 00:24:29,772 --> 00:24:32,592 Or the Carolinas? Not used in Florida. 534 00:24:32,592 --> 00:24:36,902 It's not used in Montana, cos there's nobody there. That's true. 535 00:24:36,902 --> 00:24:39,822 It's not often you see a map of the Gi-z score for "asshole", is it? 536 00:24:39,822 --> 00:24:41,743 LAUGHTER 537 00:24:41,743 --> 00:24:43,662 Not now Stephen's gone. 538 00:24:43,662 --> 00:24:46,665 LAUGHTER 539 00:24:47,863 --> 00:24:49,392 So here's the question. 540 00:24:49,392 --> 00:24:52,832 Do you think that people who swear a lot are more articulate 541 00:24:52,832 --> 00:24:54,902 or less articulate? 542 00:24:54,902 --> 00:24:56,342 More. Why? 543 00:24:56,342 --> 00:24:57,902 Cos they've got more words. 544 00:24:57,902 --> 00:25:00,192 That's exactly right. No, it's exactly right. 545 00:25:00,192 --> 00:25:02,022 Like "wank" and "bloody", and things like that. 546 00:25:02,022 --> 00:25:04,022 People who don't swear haven't got those words. 547 00:25:04,022 --> 00:25:05,422 You were doing so well, 548 00:25:05,422 --> 00:25:08,312 and now you're hardly going to appear in the programme at all. 549 00:25:08,312 --> 00:25:11,022 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 550 00:25:11,022 --> 00:25:14,332 It's just going to be you going, "What?" What? 551 00:25:14,332 --> 00:25:18,022 It's since I started wearing cardigans my ears have gone wrong. 552 00:25:18,022 --> 00:25:20,623 Is that what it is? Yeah. I think you're putting them on wrong. 553 00:25:20,623 --> 00:25:22,420 LAUGHTER 554 00:25:24,132 --> 00:25:25,873 No, there's a swearing fluency test, 555 00:25:25,873 --> 00:25:28,312 and if you do the test and you ask people to write down how many 556 00:25:28,312 --> 00:25:30,412 swear words they can think of in two minutes, 557 00:25:30,412 --> 00:25:33,182 the people who will succeed best are the people who are the most 558 00:25:33,182 --> 00:25:36,102 articulate, although it depends what language you speak, so Japanese, 559 00:25:36,102 --> 00:25:37,772 very, very few swear words. 560 00:25:37,772 --> 00:25:40,902 Dutch bargees, they can swear uninterrupted, most of them, 561 00:25:40,902 --> 00:25:43,493 for two minutes without repetition or hesitation. 562 00:25:43,493 --> 00:25:46,062 Can they really? Yeah. Dutch is really good. 563 00:25:46,062 --> 00:25:49,222 They've got, what's that word, "Swaffelen". What does it mean? 564 00:25:49,222 --> 00:25:51,902 Well, you certainly couldn't say it on Dutch television. 565 00:25:51,902 --> 00:25:56,743 It means to bang your penis against the Taj Mahal. 566 00:25:56,743 --> 00:25:59,303 LAUGHTER 567 00:26:03,332 --> 00:26:05,983 Who amongst us hasn't had that urge? 568 00:26:07,892 --> 00:26:09,692 Jeremy, when I finish this show, 569 00:26:09,692 --> 00:26:12,302 if I get into trouble for googling that, I'm coming after you. 570 00:26:12,302 --> 00:26:15,102 LAUGHTER 571 00:26:15,102 --> 00:26:18,942 How many swear words roughly do you think we have in English? 200. 48. 572 00:26:18,942 --> 00:26:23,462 I'd say 107. Yeah, but you invented about half of them. 573 00:26:23,462 --> 00:26:27,052 Borrowed from the Dutch. Alan's the closest, actually only about 20. 574 00:26:27,052 --> 00:26:29,582 It is actually not as many as you'd think. 575 00:26:29,582 --> 00:26:32,232 The people who had the most swear words were the Romans. 576 00:26:32,232 --> 00:26:35,852 They had about 800. So if you compare that to our 20... 577 00:26:35,852 --> 00:26:37,142 We're doing all right. 578 00:26:37,142 --> 00:26:40,062 We use swear words between 0.3 and 0.7% of the time. 579 00:26:40,062 --> 00:26:41,702 Actually, it's not all that common. 580 00:26:41,702 --> 00:26:46,493 I think Jeremy's listing swear words. I'm way past 20. Are you? 581 00:26:46,493 --> 00:26:49,062 JASON: Press the red button now to see what they all are. 582 00:26:49,062 --> 00:26:50,757 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 583 00:26:55,102 --> 00:26:59,462 Can you make sure that for the next recording, this book's thrown away? 584 00:26:59,462 --> 00:27:02,252 It's just that anyone who opens it up is going to be 585 00:27:02,252 --> 00:27:04,493 a bit surprised by what I've written down there. 586 00:27:04,493 --> 00:27:05,892 You could just sign it, Jeremy, 587 00:27:05,892 --> 00:27:08,052 and then nobody would be the least bit surprised. 588 00:27:08,052 --> 00:27:10,338 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 589 00:27:12,972 --> 00:27:14,412 Anyway. Moving on. 590 00:27:14,412 --> 00:27:17,052 What can't you have knobs on in Canada? 591 00:27:17,052 --> 00:27:19,493 Furniture. Sort of. 592 00:27:19,493 --> 00:27:21,613 It's against the law in some places. 593 00:27:21,613 --> 00:27:24,212 Isn't everything against the law in Canada, really? 594 00:27:24,212 --> 00:27:27,952 They're very polite, Canadians, they're like America with manners. 595 00:27:27,952 --> 00:27:30,822 They are incredibly nice and Vancouver always wins the best place 596 00:27:30,822 --> 00:27:33,972 in the world to live, because nothing ever happens there. 597 00:27:33,972 --> 00:27:36,192 OK, so it is Vancouver that we need to be in. Oh. 598 00:27:36,192 --> 00:27:38,222 And it was a law passed in 2014. 599 00:27:38,222 --> 00:27:40,182 Doorknobs. Doorknobs, yes. 600 00:27:40,182 --> 00:27:43,342 You cannot have doorknobs at all in Vancouver. 601 00:27:43,342 --> 00:27:45,912 Are they trapped inside? They can't get out. 602 00:27:45,912 --> 00:27:47,472 LAUGHTER 603 00:27:47,472 --> 00:27:50,902 Has anyone heard from anyone from Vancouver in the last year? 604 00:27:50,902 --> 00:27:53,422 "It's the best place to live in the world, 605 00:27:53,422 --> 00:27:55,142 "we won't let you out again!" 606 00:27:55,142 --> 00:27:57,472 No new buildings, domestic or commercial, is allowed to have 607 00:27:57,472 --> 00:28:00,312 doorknobs on them. They can only have levers. Why might that be? 608 00:28:00,312 --> 00:28:03,032 Is it when it gets caught in your pocket as you wander past? 609 00:28:03,032 --> 00:28:04,182 Really annoying, isn't it? 610 00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:06,942 No, it's to do with the elderly and the infirm. 611 00:28:06,942 --> 00:28:09,312 They can't turn the knobs. Arthritic hands. 612 00:28:09,312 --> 00:28:11,982 Yes! The idea is to make all buildings work for everybody, 613 00:28:11,982 --> 00:28:14,052 so that you don't have doorknobs any more. 614 00:28:14,052 --> 00:28:16,332 Anyway, a year before the ban was introduced 615 00:28:16,332 --> 00:28:19,039 there was a pro-knob lobby. 616 00:28:20,852 --> 00:28:24,262 Who were up in arms about the incursions of the nanny state. 617 00:28:24,262 --> 00:28:29,052 And the president of the Antique Doorknob Collectors Of America, 618 00:28:29,052 --> 00:28:31,662 Allen Joslyn, said, "To say that when I build my private home 619 00:28:31,662 --> 00:28:34,212 "and nobody is disabled, that I have to put levers on 620 00:28:34,212 --> 00:28:35,852 "strikes me as overreach." 621 00:28:35,852 --> 00:28:38,702 And they do have one rather telling objection, 622 00:28:38,702 --> 00:28:41,222 because the advantage of door levers is not restricted to 623 00:28:41,222 --> 00:28:44,322 the old and the infirm. So, operating a doorknob requires 624 00:28:44,322 --> 00:28:47,982 pronation and supination of the wrist. Yeah, a dog can get in. 625 00:28:47,982 --> 00:28:49,702 That's the point. 626 00:28:49,702 --> 00:28:52,102 To be fair, that dog deserves to be able to open a door. 627 00:28:52,102 --> 00:28:53,582 Yeah, that's true. 628 00:28:53,582 --> 00:28:55,942 If that's skills he's got. But they prefer levers to knobs 629 00:28:55,942 --> 00:28:57,902 because if you haven't got an opposable thumb 630 00:28:57,902 --> 00:28:59,312 you can't possibly work it. 631 00:28:59,312 --> 00:29:02,623 However, there is a county in Colorado, Pitkin County, 632 00:29:02,623 --> 00:29:05,702 which has gone the opposite way to Vancouver and banned all levers. 633 00:29:05,702 --> 00:29:07,862 You can only have doorknobs. Why might that be? 634 00:29:07,862 --> 00:29:09,782 Bears. Absolutely right. It is bears. 635 00:29:09,782 --> 00:29:12,862 Look at them. "We can't get in, what are we going to do?" 636 00:29:12,862 --> 00:29:15,912 "I'll pick you up. You go through the window." 637 00:29:15,912 --> 00:29:19,572 LAUGHTER 638 00:29:19,572 --> 00:29:22,623 If you want to keep bears and old people out of your house, 639 00:29:22,623 --> 00:29:26,712 hang on to your doorknobs. And now to one of nature's aristocrats. 640 00:29:26,712 --> 00:29:31,503 Alan, would you say you were nice and natural? Yes. 641 00:29:31,503 --> 00:29:32,947 KLAXON 642 00:29:34,623 --> 00:29:37,302 Oh, you're doing yourself down, that's the trouble. 643 00:29:37,302 --> 00:29:40,112 Oh, I'm not nice or natural? Look at that idiot. 644 00:29:40,112 --> 00:29:43,262 So, the word nice has completely reversed its meaning. 645 00:29:43,262 --> 00:29:46,062 It used to be an insult, it's the nasty thing you'd say to somebody. 646 00:29:46,062 --> 00:29:48,472 Yeah, it's derived from the Latin for ignorant 647 00:29:48,472 --> 00:29:50,582 and it originally meant foolish or silly, 648 00:29:50,582 --> 00:29:52,753 and up until the 17th century 649 00:29:52,753 --> 00:29:55,292 to call somebody nice was always critical and negative. 650 00:29:55,292 --> 00:29:56,552 It could also mean wanton. 651 00:29:56,552 --> 00:29:58,862 And then in 17th, 18th century, you begin to get 652 00:29:58,862 --> 00:30:01,542 the modern sense of the word as being a nice thing. 653 00:30:01,542 --> 00:30:04,912 They started to appreciate wanton people a bit more. Exactly. 654 00:30:04,912 --> 00:30:06,112 "She's nice." 655 00:30:06,112 --> 00:30:08,582 "Oh, thanks." Yes, she is. 656 00:30:08,582 --> 00:30:11,623 And an earlier meaning of a natural was a born fool or idiot. 657 00:30:11,623 --> 00:30:13,702 That's our family at Christmas. 658 00:30:13,702 --> 00:30:16,785 LAUGHTER 659 00:30:18,782 --> 00:30:21,652 So, there used to be a natural idiot or a natural fool, 660 00:30:21,652 --> 00:30:22,992 that used to be the thing. 661 00:30:22,992 --> 00:30:25,503 Now a natural is a person who is naturally talented, 662 00:30:25,503 --> 00:30:27,982 you say, he's a natural at doing something. The natural. 663 00:30:27,982 --> 00:30:31,062 Anybody remember the term "The necessary?" Lavatorial, wasn't it? 664 00:30:31,062 --> 00:30:33,493 Yes, so a necessary woman was a lavatory attendant, 665 00:30:33,493 --> 00:30:35,542 somebody who worked in the loo. Oh, really? 666 00:30:35,542 --> 00:30:38,633 But there seems to be a tendency for words meaning fool 667 00:30:38,633 --> 00:30:40,182 to start with an N. 668 00:30:40,182 --> 00:30:42,772 Have a look at this list of words and see if you can spot 669 00:30:42,772 --> 00:30:45,503 whether any of them don't mean fool. 670 00:30:45,503 --> 00:30:47,782 Numpty, nincompoop. Noddy. 671 00:30:47,782 --> 00:30:50,112 They're great, aren't they? Ninny-whoop, I like that one. 672 00:30:50,112 --> 00:30:52,552 Which one did you say not? Noddy. 673 00:30:52,552 --> 00:30:56,062 No, there's only one that doesn't meaning fool. What did you say? 674 00:30:56,062 --> 00:30:58,932 Ning-nang. Ning-nang, it was a useless racehorse. 675 00:30:58,932 --> 00:31:00,932 Gosh darn ning-nang! 676 00:31:00,932 --> 00:31:02,462 Goddamn ning-nang! 677 00:31:02,462 --> 00:31:06,012 In the old days, nice and natural meant stupid, twice over. 678 00:31:06,012 --> 00:31:09,342 What should have won a Nobel Prize but didn't? 679 00:31:09,342 --> 00:31:12,192 Oh. Rosalind Franklin. 680 00:31:12,192 --> 00:31:15,292 Ah, well, people do say that because of DNA. Yes. 681 00:31:15,292 --> 00:31:17,182 In fact the absolute case of it is that 682 00:31:17,182 --> 00:31:19,222 they never awarded them posthumously 683 00:31:19,222 --> 00:31:21,862 and she had already passed away. She'd already died. 684 00:31:21,862 --> 00:31:25,552 But it's somebody unbelievably famous, a scientific discovery. 685 00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:28,152 Einstein. General relativity. It is absolutely Einstein 686 00:31:28,152 --> 00:31:33,112 and it's the theory of? Relativity. The theory of relativity is right. 687 00:31:33,112 --> 00:31:34,513 APPLAUSE She said that. 688 00:31:34,513 --> 00:31:36,712 Did you say it? I didn't hear, I apologise. 689 00:31:36,712 --> 00:31:38,657 Deafness is a cruel mistress. 690 00:31:40,753 --> 00:31:42,222 He did win the physics prize 691 00:31:42,222 --> 00:31:44,862 but it was for his work on the photoelectric effect. 692 00:31:44,862 --> 00:31:46,513 He just didn't get the one for... 693 00:31:46,513 --> 00:31:49,232 He won the prize for rubbing balloons on your head 694 00:31:49,232 --> 00:31:50,753 and sticking them to the ceiling. 695 00:31:50,753 --> 00:31:53,942 So, Einstein was nominated every year for a decade 696 00:31:53,942 --> 00:31:56,192 for his work on relativity. Oh, wow. 697 00:31:56,192 --> 00:31:59,272 He's like the Leonardo DiCaprio of his day. Yeah. 698 00:31:59,272 --> 00:32:02,342 And he really needed to win because he had promised the prize money 699 00:32:02,342 --> 00:32:05,472 as part of the divorce settlement to his wife. 700 00:32:05,472 --> 00:32:07,472 That's a brilliant one to tell the lawyers. 701 00:32:07,472 --> 00:32:10,702 "I'm going to win the Nobel Prize, I'll be all right." 702 00:32:10,702 --> 00:32:12,652 Quite confident. But because there was 703 00:32:12,652 --> 00:32:14,932 no experimental confirmation of his theory, 704 00:32:14,932 --> 00:32:18,062 and also because there's, possibly there was an anti-Semitic faction, 705 00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:20,112 they just excluded him every single year. 706 00:32:20,112 --> 00:32:22,942 Then in 1919, a man called Arthur Eddington 707 00:32:22,942 --> 00:32:26,302 measured the defection of light during a solar eclipse 708 00:32:26,302 --> 00:32:29,623 and he proved what Einstein had been saying four years earlier. 709 00:32:29,623 --> 00:32:33,503 And even so, they cast Eddington's measurements into doubt 710 00:32:33,503 --> 00:32:36,302 and then they gave him the physics prize for something different, 711 00:32:36,302 --> 00:32:39,222 they just didn't want to give it to him for the theory of relativity. 712 00:32:39,222 --> 00:32:42,992 Anyway, what's great is that when news of Eddington's experiment broke, 713 00:32:42,992 --> 00:32:48,152 the New York Times sent their only reporter in London to meet him. 714 00:32:48,152 --> 00:32:52,031 It was a man called Henry Crouch and he was their golf correspondent. 715 00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:58,712 And he hadn't the faintest idea what Eddington was talking about. 716 00:32:58,712 --> 00:33:02,422 So he filed the most classic bit of hope-for-the-best journalese. 717 00:33:02,422 --> 00:33:05,552 He wrote, "Lights all askew in the heavens, 718 00:33:05,552 --> 00:33:07,472 "men of science more or less agog 719 00:33:07,472 --> 00:33:09,862 "over results of eclipse observations. 720 00:33:09,862 --> 00:33:13,472 "Einstein theory triumphs, stars not where they seemed 721 00:33:13,472 --> 00:33:16,383 "or were calculated to be but nobody need worry." 722 00:33:16,383 --> 00:33:19,342 LAUGHTER 723 00:33:19,342 --> 00:33:21,122 Very good. 724 00:33:21,122 --> 00:33:24,222 That was very lively journalism for the period. It was great, wasn't it? 725 00:33:24,222 --> 00:33:27,992 From a golf correspondent. Very good journalism. It is wonderful. 726 00:33:27,992 --> 00:33:30,472 The theory of relativity never got a Nobel Prize 727 00:33:30,472 --> 00:33:32,062 because it was only a theory. 728 00:33:32,062 --> 00:33:34,222 What did the royal families of Europe 729 00:33:34,222 --> 00:33:37,383 wear under their uniforms during the 19th century? 730 00:33:37,383 --> 00:33:38,732 Pot pourri. 731 00:33:38,732 --> 00:33:41,472 They were naked. 732 00:33:41,472 --> 00:33:44,192 No! KLAXON 733 00:33:44,192 --> 00:33:46,472 They had rather fine underwear. 734 00:33:46,472 --> 00:33:49,832 Armour. What was the question? I've forgotten this one as well. 735 00:33:49,832 --> 00:33:52,862 What did royal families of Europe wear 736 00:33:52,862 --> 00:33:56,942 under their uniforms during the 19th century? Silk undies. 737 00:33:56,942 --> 00:34:00,582 It's closer to the skin even than your underwear. 738 00:34:00,582 --> 00:34:01,992 Lice. 739 00:34:01,992 --> 00:34:04,782 LAUGHTER 740 00:34:04,782 --> 00:34:07,142 Just loads of lice moving around. 741 00:34:07,142 --> 00:34:11,092 That that's even a thought in your head is a worry. 742 00:34:11,092 --> 00:34:13,012 No. Decorative. 743 00:34:13,012 --> 00:34:15,513 Tattoos. Tattoos is exactly right. 744 00:34:15,513 --> 00:34:17,432 There was a craze for tattoos. 745 00:34:17,432 --> 00:34:21,552 According to the Harmsworth monthly pictorial magazine, 746 00:34:21,552 --> 00:34:25,513 the Grand Duke Alexei of Russia was most elaborately tattooed. 747 00:34:25,513 --> 00:34:28,302 And they were lots of them - Prince and Princess Valdemar of Denmark, 748 00:34:28,302 --> 00:34:30,912 Queen Olga of Greece, King Oscar of Sweden, 749 00:34:30,912 --> 00:34:32,942 the Grand Duke Konstantin 750 00:34:32,942 --> 00:34:35,942 and, in fact, also in the UK, King Edward VII, 751 00:34:35,942 --> 00:34:37,623 and his son George V. 752 00:34:37,623 --> 00:34:41,092 Edward VII had five crosses, which he had done on a visit to Jerusalem 753 00:34:41,092 --> 00:34:43,832 when he was the Prince of Wales, when he was 20. 754 00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:46,383 And then George, his son, had the same design done 755 00:34:46,383 --> 00:34:48,422 by the same artist 20 years later. 756 00:34:48,422 --> 00:34:50,992 And my favourite story features a random Scandinavian, 757 00:34:50,992 --> 00:34:52,992 a Randy Scandi of sorts, 758 00:34:52,992 --> 00:34:56,792 Napoleon's marshal, Jean- Baptiste Jules Bernadotte, 759 00:34:56,792 --> 00:35:00,552 he was a revolutionary firebrand, and he rose to become 760 00:35:00,552 --> 00:35:03,062 King of Sweden and Norway, 761 00:35:03,062 --> 00:35:05,022 and had turned against Napoleon. 762 00:35:05,022 --> 00:35:07,912 He reigned for 26 years after Bonaparte's deposition and 763 00:35:07,912 --> 00:35:12,782 while he was king he never allowed doctors to see his naked torso. 764 00:35:12,782 --> 00:35:15,562 And there is a reason, that became apparent after death, 765 00:35:15,562 --> 00:35:18,422 when he was found to have a tattoo from his revolutionary days 766 00:35:18,422 --> 00:35:20,633 that said, "Death to kings"! 767 00:35:20,633 --> 00:35:22,792 LAUGHTER 768 00:35:22,792 --> 00:35:25,712 And his heirs are the royal family of Sweden to this day. 769 00:35:25,712 --> 00:35:28,552 Wow. I mean, a lot of people do regret tattoos, don't they? 770 00:35:28,552 --> 00:35:29,982 Have you got any tattoos? 771 00:35:29,982 --> 00:35:32,832 I haven't, no, I've never really liked my body so much 772 00:35:32,832 --> 00:35:35,623 that I thought, "Oh, I'll decorate that." 773 00:35:35,623 --> 00:35:38,432 LAUGHTER 774 00:35:38,432 --> 00:35:41,102 But I did see a guy in our local pub once that had a tattoo here 775 00:35:41,102 --> 00:35:43,712 that said, "Sarah," 776 00:35:43,712 --> 00:35:47,352 and then it was crossed out and then underneath it it said, "Chloe". 777 00:35:47,352 --> 00:35:49,240 Oh, I remember him. 778 00:35:51,792 --> 00:35:55,000 All these regrets. Damn you, Chloe! Chloe can have him. 779 00:35:56,992 --> 00:35:59,432 Some people are very passionate vegans, 780 00:35:59,432 --> 00:36:02,232 and they get a tattoo about their veganism, 781 00:36:02,232 --> 00:36:05,842 and tattoos are made from burned animal bones. 782 00:36:05,842 --> 00:36:07,958 So themselves not vegan. 783 00:36:09,462 --> 00:36:11,942 So you can go in and say, "I'd like a vegan tattoo, please?" 784 00:36:11,942 --> 00:36:16,552 Or go to a special... No, please tell me there aren't vegan tattoo places. 785 00:36:16,552 --> 00:36:19,362 There are, really? Yes. That's very funny. 786 00:36:20,712 --> 00:36:24,232 That's 1,200 words in the Sunday Times next week right there. 787 00:36:24,232 --> 00:36:26,439 LAUGHTER 788 00:36:30,272 --> 00:36:34,312 All life is material, Jeremy. It is basically, basically. 789 00:36:34,312 --> 00:36:36,712 Anyway, lots of kings have had tattoos, 790 00:36:36,712 --> 00:36:39,202 but we can't show you any for regal reasons! 791 00:36:39,202 --> 00:36:40,992 AUDI ENCE GROANS 792 00:36:40,992 --> 00:36:44,432 All right, that's enough! Thank you. 793 00:36:44,432 --> 00:36:46,222 Now let's look at a noble gas. 794 00:36:46,222 --> 00:36:48,592 What gas is being used to light up this sign? 795 00:36:48,592 --> 00:36:50,202 It's neon, Sandi. 796 00:36:50,202 --> 00:36:52,352 LARGE BELL CHIMES 797 00:36:52,352 --> 00:36:54,468 KLAXON 798 00:36:56,812 --> 00:36:59,312 Well, now, hang on a minute. What were you going to say? 799 00:36:59,312 --> 00:37:01,432 I was actually going to say oxygen. No. 800 00:37:01,432 --> 00:37:04,552 KLAXON 801 00:37:04,552 --> 00:37:07,562 I actually thought I was going to get through my first-ever QI 802 00:37:07,562 --> 00:37:10,552 without one of those things. I blew it, that's it. Sorry about that. 803 00:37:10,552 --> 00:37:12,432 Anybody else? I was going to say argon. 804 00:37:12,432 --> 00:37:14,822 It is argon, you're absolutely right. Yes! 805 00:37:14,822 --> 00:37:18,222 APPLAUSE Hey! Thank you. 806 00:37:18,222 --> 00:37:20,912 So, it depends on what colour you what, that's the thing, 807 00:37:20,912 --> 00:37:22,712 not all neon signs contain neon. 808 00:37:22,712 --> 00:37:24,712 Neon, of course, one of the noble gases, 809 00:37:24,712 --> 00:37:27,672 so called because they don't react with other elements. 810 00:37:27,672 --> 00:37:30,503 They rather hold themselves aloof from the other compounds. 811 00:37:30,503 --> 00:37:31,912 They do not become truculent 812 00:37:31,912 --> 00:37:34,792 no matter how much they've had to drink. 813 00:37:34,792 --> 00:37:37,513 And several of the noble gases are used in lighting. 814 00:37:37,513 --> 00:37:39,352 So if you wanted to use neon, 815 00:37:39,352 --> 00:37:41,812 that would give a very distinctive red light. 816 00:37:41,812 --> 00:37:43,992 There are other colours produced by other elements. 817 00:37:43,992 --> 00:37:45,912 Or you could just colour the glass of the tube, 818 00:37:45,912 --> 00:37:49,172 that's the other way, I suppose, you could manage to do this. 819 00:37:49,172 --> 00:37:51,822 Now we descend from the airy mansions of the nobility 820 00:37:51,822 --> 00:37:54,513 to the bleak basement that is general ignorance. 821 00:37:54,513 --> 00:37:55,992 Fingers on buzzers, please. 822 00:37:55,992 --> 00:37:58,362 What was this person's first name? 823 00:37:58,362 --> 00:38:00,912 Victoria. It is Queen Victoria... 824 00:38:00,912 --> 00:38:03,403 KLAXON 825 00:38:04,872 --> 00:38:07,192 ..but it isn't her first name. Oh! 826 00:38:07,192 --> 00:38:09,952 She was born on 24th May... 827 00:38:09,952 --> 00:38:11,282 Brian. 828 00:38:11,282 --> 00:38:13,072 LAUGHTER 829 00:38:13,072 --> 00:38:14,482 ..and christened Brian. 830 00:38:15,922 --> 00:38:18,442 Could it be something, Gertrude or something German? 831 00:38:18,442 --> 00:38:21,022 It's Alexandrina. 832 00:38:21,022 --> 00:38:24,082 She was named both after her godfather, Alexander I of Russia, 833 00:38:24,082 --> 00:38:27,002 and her mother as well. When she was a child she was known as Drina... 834 00:38:27,002 --> 00:38:29,272 Are you writing that down as well? Yeah, it's nice. 835 00:38:29,272 --> 00:38:32,112 He's got swear words and you're writing down history, which I like. 836 00:38:32,112 --> 00:38:34,462 And when she became Queen, so 1837, 837 00:38:34,462 --> 00:38:37,462 in the official documents she is originally Alexandrina Victoria, 838 00:38:37,462 --> 00:38:40,162 and then she decided that she wanted her first name removed 839 00:38:40,162 --> 00:38:41,822 and never to be used again. 840 00:38:41,822 --> 00:38:44,393 But I think it was part of her wanting to be her own person, 841 00:38:44,393 --> 00:38:46,712 because her very first royal act, when she was 18, 842 00:38:46,712 --> 00:38:47,792 and she became queen, 843 00:38:47,792 --> 00:38:50,383 was to have her bed moved out of her mother's bedroom 844 00:38:50,383 --> 00:38:52,032 and to have her own bedroom. 845 00:38:52,032 --> 00:38:54,582 That is quite old to still be sleeping in your mum's room. 846 00:38:54,582 --> 00:38:57,782 Especially if you're queen. Fair play, I'm in charge now. 847 00:38:57,782 --> 00:39:00,182 It's weird when you get to know the nicknames that people have. 848 00:39:00,182 --> 00:39:02,722 So in 2000, Nancy Reagan published a collection of letters 849 00:39:02,722 --> 00:39:06,432 between herself and Ronnie, who was her husband for 52 years. 850 00:39:06,432 --> 00:39:08,633 And the pet names are just excruciating. 851 00:39:08,633 --> 00:39:13,072 Little Mommy, Your In- Love Gov, First Papa, Prexy, 852 00:39:13,072 --> 00:39:15,072 and my favourite, Mommy Poo- Pants. 853 00:39:15,072 --> 00:39:17,822 Oh. That was one of the later ones. 854 00:39:17,822 --> 00:39:20,302 LAUGHTER 855 00:39:21,592 --> 00:39:25,542 I've got a little bit of sick in my mouth. Have you? A little bit. 856 00:39:25,542 --> 00:39:28,952 The Victorians were nearly the Drinians. 857 00:39:28,952 --> 00:39:33,072 Under the Emperor Diocletian, the Roman Empire had four capitals, 858 00:39:33,072 --> 00:39:34,912 please, name two of them. 859 00:39:34,912 --> 00:39:36,952 Constantinople? 860 00:39:36,952 --> 00:39:38,802 KLAXON 861 00:39:38,802 --> 00:39:40,832 No. Any more for any more? 862 00:39:40,832 --> 00:39:42,282 Not Constantinople. 863 00:39:42,282 --> 00:39:43,902 Rome. What had four capitals? 864 00:39:43,902 --> 00:39:46,442 KLAXON The Roman Empire. 865 00:39:46,442 --> 00:39:49,752 London? Not Rome, not London. 866 00:39:49,752 --> 00:39:51,962 Keep going, I don't think you're going to guess. 867 00:39:51,962 --> 00:39:53,832 Venice, Tripoli, Florence. 868 00:39:53,832 --> 00:39:55,312 Something Germania. 869 00:39:55,312 --> 00:39:58,032 When he came to power, so 284 AD, 870 00:39:58,032 --> 00:39:59,952 the Roman Empire, it was threatened to collapse 871 00:39:59,952 --> 00:40:03,362 and he did this brilliant thing. He decided to do a tetrarchy, 872 00:40:03,362 --> 00:40:06,472 and that is to be ruled by four emperors. 873 00:40:06,472 --> 00:40:08,722 And so he had four capitals. 874 00:40:08,722 --> 00:40:11,822 They were Nicomedia, which is in modern-day Turkey, 875 00:40:11,822 --> 00:40:14,232 Sirmium, in modern-day Serbia. 876 00:40:14,232 --> 00:40:16,902 Mediolanum, which is modern-day Milan. 877 00:40:16,902 --> 00:40:19,952 And Augusta Treverorum, modern-day Trier. 878 00:40:19,952 --> 00:40:22,263 And actually it worked so well 879 00:40:22,263 --> 00:40:25,872 that Diocletian was the very first emperor to be able to retire. 880 00:40:25,872 --> 00:40:28,352 He retired to the Dalmatian coast, 881 00:40:28,352 --> 00:40:30,792 so that's modern-day Croatia, and he grew vegetables. 882 00:40:30,792 --> 00:40:33,442 So that's the real moral about outsourcing. 883 00:40:33,442 --> 00:40:34,992 Yes. Don't get too stressed, 884 00:40:34,992 --> 00:40:37,643 give other people your job and grow some vegetables. Franchise! 885 00:40:37,643 --> 00:40:39,633 JASON: Just delegate, man. Yeah. Chill out. 886 00:40:39,633 --> 00:40:44,182 Now, which is the BBC's most popular television export? 887 00:40:44,182 --> 00:40:46,264 Oh. Oh. 888 00:40:48,542 --> 00:40:50,542 Doctor Who. 889 00:40:50,542 --> 00:40:53,022 KLAXON 890 00:40:53,022 --> 00:40:56,552 I think I know this. Doctor Who is the most popular drama. 891 00:40:56,552 --> 00:40:58,912 So the BBC's most popular export? 892 00:40:58,912 --> 00:41:01,112 Yes, the BBC's most popular television export. 893 00:41:01,112 --> 00:41:02,312 Television, not World... 894 00:41:02,312 --> 00:41:04,552 More than any other series in the last 40 years. 895 00:41:04,552 --> 00:41:06,672 It's not Keeping Up Appearances, is it? 896 00:41:06,672 --> 00:41:10,462 It is absolutely Keeping Up Appearances. Gasps of amazement! 897 00:41:10,462 --> 00:41:15,232 Hyacinth Bucket?! Yes, that gentle comedy of social snobbery. 898 00:41:15,232 --> 00:41:17,912 How do you know that? I just remember reading it. 899 00:41:17,912 --> 00:41:20,752 It's very popular in Scandinavia and Eastern Europe, 900 00:41:20,752 --> 00:41:23,902 in fact Denmark has just placed another order for the show, 901 00:41:23,902 --> 00:41:26,442 and it's subtitled, they also have dubbed versions. 902 00:41:26,442 --> 00:41:28,722 Do they like it because no-one dies? 903 00:41:28,722 --> 00:41:31,472 No-one gets murdered, it's so ground-breaking. 904 00:41:31,472 --> 00:41:33,192 It's very different to the Game of Thrones 905 00:41:33,192 --> 00:41:34,722 in that regard, it really is. 906 00:41:34,722 --> 00:41:38,672 Attenborough is very popular with monkeys because of his wooden cock. 907 00:41:38,672 --> 00:41:41,106 LAUGHTER 908 00:41:47,162 --> 00:41:50,472 I do my best to steer this show. 909 00:41:50,472 --> 00:41:52,882 Even then, even then you couldn't hear very well, 910 00:41:52,882 --> 00:41:54,632 Iook at you, you're going, "What?" 911 00:41:54,632 --> 00:41:57,752 The hair had been blown out of my ears. 912 00:41:57,752 --> 00:42:01,273 It also looks like Billie Piper's looking at it. 913 00:42:01,273 --> 00:42:02,822 "Doctor, what is it?" 914 00:42:02,822 --> 00:42:04,801 "It's Attenborough's wooden cock." 915 00:42:07,112 --> 00:42:11,902 All of which brings us to the scores. 916 00:42:11,902 --> 00:42:14,722 Well, a fantastic and outright winner, 917 00:42:14,722 --> 00:42:16,622 in first place with eight points, 918 00:42:16,622 --> 00:42:18,192 it's Jason! 919 00:42:18,192 --> 00:42:20,263 APPLAUSE 920 00:42:20,263 --> 00:42:21,912 You'd better check them! 921 00:42:21,912 --> 00:42:23,912 In second place with minus five, 922 00:42:23,912 --> 00:42:25,632 it's Jeremy. 923 00:42:25,632 --> 00:42:27,192 Thank you so much. 924 00:42:27,192 --> 00:42:29,762 APPLAUSE Thank you. 925 00:42:29,762 --> 00:42:32,112 In third place, minus 21, Sara. 926 00:42:32,112 --> 00:42:35,602 CHEERING 927 00:42:35,602 --> 00:42:38,802 And with a commendable minus 64... 928 00:42:38,802 --> 00:42:40,362 LAUGHTER 929 00:42:40,362 --> 00:42:41,832 Alan! 930 00:42:41,832 --> 00:42:46,405 APPLAUSE 931 00:42:51,082 --> 00:42:54,273 It only remains for me to thank Sara, Jason, Jeremy and Alan. 932 00:42:54,273 --> 00:42:57,552 And finally, in case you're feeling envious of the nobility, 933 00:42:57,552 --> 00:42:59,722 spare a thought for Lord Ivy. 934 00:42:59,722 --> 00:43:02,322 The head of the Guinness family in the 1980s 935 00:43:02,322 --> 00:43:05,552 was injured in a traffic accident in Dublin and taken to hospital. 936 00:43:05,552 --> 00:43:09,722 Under the Irish system, people earning more than £11,000 a year 937 00:43:09,722 --> 00:43:12,263 had to pay for their treatment, so when he arrived they asked him, 938 00:43:12,263 --> 00:43:14,482 "Do you earn £11,000?" 939 00:43:14,482 --> 00:43:17,552 To which he replied, "Some days I do, some days I don't." 940 00:43:17,552 --> 00:43:19,281 Toodle-pip!