1 00:00:21,751 --> 00:00:24,447 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,871 --> 00:00:33,160 How very kind. 3 00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:37,170 How lovely. Thank you very much... 4 00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:40,280 and welcome to QI, where tonight, 5 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,570 we are turning positively negative, 6 00:00:42,570 --> 00:00:46,640 in the "Not Nearly, Nearly Not, Neither and No" show. 7 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,730 So let's meet our naysayers - 8 00:00:48,730 --> 00:00:52,240 the never-knowingly under-funny Gyles Brandreth. 9 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,600 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:55,600 --> 00:01:00,160 And the nearly perfect Jimmy Carr. APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,446 Thanks very much! 12 00:01:04,590 --> 00:01:09,390 The not-half-bad Victoria Coren Mitchell. 13 00:01:09,390 --> 00:01:12,325 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:14,110 --> 00:01:18,720 And no, no, no, no, no... 15 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:20,080 yes. 16 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,240 It's Alan Davies! 17 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:25,210 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 18 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,650 And why not hear their buzzers? Jimmy goes... 19 00:01:31,650 --> 00:01:34,240 # Na na na na, na na na na na 20 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,030 # Na na na na na, na na na na na. # 21 00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,960 And Victoria goes... 22 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:41,170 # No no # No-no, no no 23 00:01:41,170 --> 00:01:42,761 # No-no, no no 24 00:01:42,761 --> 00:01:45,150 # No no There's no limit. # 25 00:01:45,150 --> 00:01:46,960 And Gyles goes... 26 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,920 # Na na na na na na na na na 27 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,117 # Na na na na na na na na na. # 28 00:01:54,110 --> 00:01:57,170 You look like the games teacher at a school's disco. 29 00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:01,320 And Alan goes... 30 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,190 # No, no, a thousand times no 31 00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:06,329 # I'd rather die than say yes. # 32 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,310 I like yours best, actually. I thought that was very nice. 33 00:02:11,310 --> 00:02:12,920 And so to the first question, 34 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:17,470 and it's important you don't listen un-carefully to this one. 35 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:21,008 Alan, don't you not want some points or not? 36 00:02:25,001 --> 00:02:26,930 ALAN GROANS Gyles is writing it down. 37 00:02:26,930 --> 00:02:30,560 Well, that's very difficult to say yes or no to! 38 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,440 What do you reckon? There are three negatives. Ah, yes. 39 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:37,011 "Don't you not want some points or not?" "Do you not...?" 40 00:02:37,011 --> 00:02:43,450 Do you not want some points... Or not? Do you not...? Do you not...? 41 00:02:43,450 --> 00:02:46,730 We also don't know whether he does or not. Yes. 42 00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:49,320 "Don't you not want some points, or not?" 43 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,110 Do NOT not want points... So, here's the thing... 44 00:02:52,110 --> 00:02:56,640 It's true to say that I do not NOT want points. Yes. Or not? 45 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,640 So "or not" would mean that you...do. 46 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,730 "Do you want points or not?" Yes, but... 47 00:03:01,730 --> 00:03:03,300 The answer is... Is... 48 00:03:04,470 --> 00:03:07,190 LAUGHTER 49 00:03:07,190 --> 00:03:10,881 Well, it's two questions! No, it's just one question with one answer. 50 00:03:10,881 --> 00:03:12,110 But I'll just tell you now - 51 00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:14,681 one answer has a klaxon, and one doesn't. There. 52 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,840 Do you think I'm giving too much away here? Can we help him? 53 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,300 The show's nearly over. I'm filibustering. 54 00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:26,200 Gyles, Gyles. Sometimes with these really taxing questions, 55 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,001 the thing to do is to translate them into another language. OK. 56 00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:31,930 Because that makes it simpler. Oh, right. Because, as we know, 57 00:03:31,930 --> 00:03:34,040 you asked the question in English. I did, yes. 58 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,960 English - there are 500,000 words in the Oxford English Dictionary, 59 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,400 it is the largest language in the world. 60 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,080 Well, there's more than a million now, in fact. Ah, well, indeed, 61 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,600 including all the words you've introduced since the series began. 62 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,190 Perfectly true. In my edition - 500,000 words. 63 00:03:46,190 --> 00:03:48,680 The German language only has about 150,000 words, 64 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,400 and the French have fewer than 100,000 words. Yes. OK? 65 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,730 Including "le weekend". Yes. ALAN BUZZES 66 00:03:53,730 --> 00:03:57,761 Oh, yes? Have you thought about it? Yes. 67 00:03:57,761 --> 00:04:00,160 Yes is the right answer! 68 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,845 APPLAUSE 69 00:04:08,751 --> 00:04:11,280 Yes? Yes isn't the right answer. Oh! 70 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,736 It's not a yes/no question. No, that's what I thought. 71 00:04:13,736 --> 00:04:15,806 But, fundamentally, yes is better than no. 72 00:04:15,806 --> 00:04:18,526 In your life, maybe. Yes, I was enjoying Gyles'... 73 00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:21,366 But, curiously, the answer would have been different... 74 00:04:21,366 --> 00:04:23,254 I didn't mean I would come back to it. 75 00:04:25,196 --> 00:04:29,046 I wasn't enjoying it that much. But interestingly, the answer in French 76 00:04:29,046 --> 00:04:30,686 would have been yes. 77 00:04:30,686 --> 00:04:32,556 Oh, no - no! 78 00:04:32,556 --> 00:04:35,296 In French you could have said, "I don't know," 79 00:04:35,296 --> 00:04:38,366 which is "je ne sais pas", which is a double negative. 80 00:04:38,366 --> 00:04:42,166 Ah. Or... But if you translate it... What did you originally say? 81 00:04:43,686 --> 00:04:46,120 Is it too early to lose the will to live? 82 00:04:48,046 --> 00:04:50,516 I'm extremely concerned, Sandi, that you, 83 00:04:50,516 --> 00:04:52,096 a role model for women everywhere, 84 00:04:52,096 --> 00:04:54,096 should, in fleshing out the double negative, 85 00:04:54,096 --> 00:04:56,596 come out with the statement, "Broadly, yes is better than no"! 86 00:04:56,596 --> 00:04:59,121 That's not what I'll be telling my daughter! 87 00:05:00,606 --> 00:05:03,086 APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER 88 00:05:07,096 --> 00:05:09,046 There's a lot of these in pop, aren't there? 89 00:05:09,046 --> 00:05:10,566 A lot of these in pop and rock lyrics. 90 00:05:10,566 --> 00:05:12,656 Yes. There's lots of I Can't Get No Satisfaction. 91 00:05:12,656 --> 00:05:15,656 Yes, there is. And if it's a positive double negative, 92 00:05:15,656 --> 00:05:18,877 Iike Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual, that's fine. OK? Why is that fine? 93 00:05:18,877 --> 00:05:21,646 Well, it never used to be a problem, the double negative, 94 00:05:21,646 --> 00:05:24,486 and then, in the 18th century, they became obsessed with mathematics, 95 00:05:24,486 --> 00:05:25,926 and it's to do with mathematics. Oh. 96 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:29,456 So they began to codify the language as being illogical 97 00:05:29,456 --> 00:05:32,326 if it didn't fit with mathematical thinking. So, in mathematics, 98 00:05:32,326 --> 00:05:36,556 minus a minus is a plus. Oh, do do this in Danish! OK. 99 00:05:36,556 --> 00:05:40,316 Yes. SHE SPEAKS IN DANISH 100 00:05:40,316 --> 00:05:44,846 No, I won't do it now. APPLAUSE 101 00:05:44,846 --> 00:05:47,116 If you do that, I'd think I'd had a stroke. 102 00:05:47,116 --> 00:05:48,956 I always think that there's a body been found, 103 00:05:48,956 --> 00:05:50,321 as soon as I hear Danish. 104 00:05:52,596 --> 00:05:55,126 You can almost feel the wind on the bridge. 105 00:05:55,126 --> 00:05:57,086 I tell you what, it's a hell of a contortion 106 00:05:57,086 --> 00:05:59,054 if you can feel wind on your bridge. 107 00:06:05,176 --> 00:06:08,046 I'm trying to think what position you'd have to be in... 108 00:06:08,046 --> 00:06:10,901 I don't know, but I'm going to try and sketch it. 109 00:06:12,007 --> 00:06:15,017 Just pass it along when you've done. 110 00:06:15,017 --> 00:06:18,116 Anybody know the difference between no and nay? 111 00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:21,116 Is it like the French non and si, 112 00:06:21,116 --> 00:06:24,686 where si is a yes if somebody is expecting the answer no? 113 00:06:24,686 --> 00:06:25,887 Yeah, you're exactly right. 114 00:06:25,887 --> 00:06:27,846 It's to do with the type of question that you get. 115 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:29,757 So there used to be, in early modern English - 116 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:32,606 so we're talking, sort of, late 15th to late 17th century - 117 00:06:32,606 --> 00:06:34,446 two affirmatives, yes and yea, 118 00:06:34,446 --> 00:06:36,757 and two negatives, which were no and nay, 119 00:06:36,757 --> 00:06:39,897 and so subtle the rules that even the people at the time thought, 120 00:06:39,897 --> 00:06:41,116 "I have no idea how this works." 121 00:06:41,116 --> 00:06:42,897 But, basically, yes and no were responses to 122 00:06:42,897 --> 00:06:44,246 questions posed in the negative. 123 00:06:44,246 --> 00:06:46,036 So, "Will he not go?" 124 00:06:46,036 --> 00:06:48,256 The answer is, "Yes, he will," or "No, he will not." 125 00:06:48,256 --> 00:06:51,456 But if you positively frame a question, "Will he go?", 126 00:06:51,456 --> 00:06:53,656 the answer is, "Yea, he will," or "Nay, he will not." 127 00:06:53,656 --> 00:06:57,246 Are you allowed to say "nay" without saying "sirrah"? That's right. 128 00:06:57,246 --> 00:06:59,686 GYLES: Or, indeed, prefacing it with "hey nonny, no nay"? 129 00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:00,887 VICTORIA: Yes. 130 00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:04,836 I'll be docking points from anybody who gets it wrong 131 00:07:04,836 --> 00:07:06,372 from now on. Is that clear? 132 00:07:07,877 --> 00:07:09,816 Yes, but not... No, not exactly. 133 00:07:09,816 --> 00:07:12,036 Yes, but not entirely. Is that correct? Yes and no. 134 00:07:12,036 --> 00:07:13,476 Yea. Yea. 135 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,489 KLAXON What? 136 00:07:17,556 --> 00:07:19,816 It was positively phrased, so the answer, in fact - 137 00:07:19,816 --> 00:07:21,966 Victoria is entirely right - is yea is the answer. 138 00:07:21,966 --> 00:07:23,606 It's yea, is the answer? Yes. 139 00:07:23,606 --> 00:07:25,096 And so, yea... 140 00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,246 Yea is the equivalent... 141 00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,616 Yea is the equivalent of yes, 142 00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:31,406 but nay is not the equivalent of no - that's what we've learnt. 143 00:07:31,406 --> 00:07:32,976 No. So... VICTORIA: No! 144 00:07:32,976 --> 00:07:35,017 LAUGHTER 145 00:07:35,017 --> 00:07:38,326 Yea is yes if the answer yes is expected. 146 00:07:38,326 --> 00:07:40,536 Yea and nay are for positively-framed questions, 147 00:07:40,536 --> 00:07:42,836 and yes and no... I'm losing... Honestly, I can't... 148 00:07:42,836 --> 00:07:45,007 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What we've learned is nothing. 149 00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,616 Ah! We weren't really paying attention. 150 00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:48,396 That was the problem. I know, exactly. 151 00:07:48,396 --> 00:07:49,966 But what I can tell you is that there's really 152 00:07:49,966 --> 00:07:51,656 nothing wrong with double negatives. 153 00:07:51,656 --> 00:07:55,846 Only arbitrary pedants believe there isn't...not. 154 00:07:55,846 --> 00:08:00,276 Now it's time for my favourite subject in all the world - not. 155 00:08:00,276 --> 00:08:02,966 It's sport. GYLES GROANS 156 00:08:02,966 --> 00:08:05,017 Yea, sport! Yea, sport(!) OK. GYLES: Nay! 157 00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:09,246 Why is the person on the right such a loser? 158 00:08:09,246 --> 00:08:10,736 Oh, isn't this interesting? 159 00:08:10,736 --> 00:08:13,656 I don't know yet. No, no, no, no... LAUGHTER 160 00:08:13,656 --> 00:08:16,606 Just because he's not got any badges and ribbons on, 161 00:08:16,606 --> 00:08:18,526 he's obviously been in a court martial - 162 00:08:18,526 --> 00:08:19,916 he's had them stripped off him. 163 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,126 That's why he's the loser. 164 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:22,916 You are in the right area. 165 00:08:22,916 --> 00:08:25,376 Is he standing in for someone? 166 00:08:25,376 --> 00:08:27,606 Well... Oh, is it a centaur? 167 00:08:27,606 --> 00:08:31,176 Is he half-man, half-horse? 168 00:08:31,176 --> 00:08:33,897 Actually, the other guy's riding a horse and he's actually the horse, 169 00:08:33,897 --> 00:08:35,446 and those are fake legs. 170 00:08:35,446 --> 00:08:38,376 Oh, that's my favourite, but no. 171 00:08:38,376 --> 00:08:40,476 So, he's a sort of nearly man. 172 00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:43,331 An understudy? I don't think we can call them that any more. 173 00:08:45,887 --> 00:08:48,845 APPLAUSE 174 00:08:52,286 --> 00:08:54,326 The idea, Jimmy, that you would teach me 175 00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,596 to be politically correct... 176 00:08:56,596 --> 00:08:59,326 I'm so sorry. You're so fantastic. 177 00:08:59,326 --> 00:09:02,556 I've started a new thing on the show which is my random Scandinavian, 178 00:09:02,556 --> 00:09:04,836 and this is my "randy Scandi", this guy. 179 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,276 He took part in the 1948 Olympics. 180 00:09:06,276 --> 00:09:08,406 His name is Sergeant Gehnall Persson. 181 00:09:08,406 --> 00:09:11,126 He was in the Swedish Equestrian team, 182 00:09:11,126 --> 00:09:13,556 and they easily won gold in the dressage 183 00:09:13,556 --> 00:09:15,806 and then they were stripped of the medal, 184 00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,526 because the French, who came second, 185 00:09:17,526 --> 00:09:19,926 noticed that he was wearing a sergeant's cap. 186 00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:22,256 So you were in the right area, absolutely, Gyles. 187 00:09:22,256 --> 00:09:24,726 In those days, Olympic equestrianism was open 188 00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:26,836 only to officers and gentlemen. 189 00:09:26,836 --> 00:09:28,276 It was an amateur sport, 190 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,926 and other ranks were considered to be professionals. 191 00:09:30,926 --> 00:09:33,276 So what had happened - he'd been given a bogus promotion 192 00:09:33,276 --> 00:09:35,526 to being a lieutenant, just for the Games, 193 00:09:35,526 --> 00:09:38,046 but he forgot to change his hat. 194 00:09:38,046 --> 00:09:40,536 Oh! But it's a happy ending - 195 00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:43,256 the gentleman rule was changed, and he went on to win gold 196 00:09:43,256 --> 00:09:45,757 at the next two Olympics, just as a sergeant, 197 00:09:45,757 --> 00:09:47,366 and he didn't have to be a lieutenant. 198 00:09:47,366 --> 00:09:49,046 So, here's the thing that I think, OK? 199 00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:51,276 I would like to see the amateur ethos brought back to sport. 200 00:09:51,276 --> 00:09:53,206 What do you think about that? Oh, yes. Oh, 100%. 201 00:09:53,206 --> 00:09:54,566 The amateur thing with sport is... 202 00:09:54,566 --> 00:09:57,326 They've ruined it now, haven't they? They've ruined the Olympics. 203 00:09:57,326 --> 00:09:58,446 Have they? Well, I think... 204 00:09:58,446 --> 00:10:01,027 You can't have Eddie the Eagle or Eric the Eel or any of those, 205 00:10:01,027 --> 00:10:02,767 kind of, the fun ones... No! Can I say? 206 00:10:02,767 --> 00:10:06,686 Drugs are the making of the Olympics. 207 00:10:06,686 --> 00:10:08,256 Don't you think? I mean, you know... 208 00:10:08,256 --> 00:10:11,276 Isn't it an exciting idea - who can go faster and faster and faster? 209 00:10:11,276 --> 00:10:12,816 Then, maybe you need two Games. 210 00:10:12,816 --> 00:10:15,606 You need a clean one and you need a drug-addled... Yeah, exactly. 211 00:10:15,606 --> 00:10:17,976 So, do you...? What do people watch most? 212 00:10:17,976 --> 00:10:19,686 Lance Armstrong made a very interesting point 213 00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:21,366 in that documentary they made about him. 214 00:10:21,366 --> 00:10:23,916 He basically said, "Yes, I was on drugs - so was everyone else. 215 00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:26,606 "I was the best on drugs." Yeah. 216 00:10:26,606 --> 00:10:29,036 I also think that the drugs should be more interesting. 217 00:10:29,036 --> 00:10:32,806 Does anybody know what the very first-ever substance-abuse case 218 00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:34,767 in the Olympics dealt with? 219 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,486 Well, it was a very high-class affair. Oh... 220 00:10:36,486 --> 00:10:38,316 The first person banned for substance abuse? 221 00:10:38,316 --> 00:10:39,446 Sherry. You're very close. 222 00:10:39,446 --> 00:10:40,536 Yes? Was it absinthe? 223 00:10:40,536 --> 00:10:42,046 No. Oh, sorry, I wasn't answering. 224 00:10:42,046 --> 00:10:44,836 I was just hoping someone could bring a sherry. 225 00:10:44,836 --> 00:10:46,456 Was it an animal that was doped? 226 00:10:46,456 --> 00:10:47,556 No. A human? 227 00:10:47,556 --> 00:10:50,166 It's a fantastic American swimmer called Eleanor Holm. 228 00:10:50,166 --> 00:10:53,887 She was suspended from the American Olympic swim team in 1936 for 229 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,366 drinking too much champagne. 230 00:10:55,366 --> 00:10:56,606 No... Now, who...? 231 00:10:57,816 --> 00:10:58,966 That's good. 232 00:10:58,966 --> 00:11:00,686 How much champagne is too much champagne? 233 00:11:00,686 --> 00:11:02,166 I think it's... That's all relative. 234 00:11:02,166 --> 00:11:03,916 You wouldn't think it would particularly 235 00:11:03,916 --> 00:11:05,486 improve her performance. 236 00:11:05,486 --> 00:11:06,526 I mean, she was happy. 237 00:11:06,526 --> 00:11:08,966 You've only got to go backwards and forwards with swimming - 238 00:11:08,966 --> 00:11:10,406 you've got to keep yourself busy. 239 00:11:10,406 --> 00:11:13,261 Bubbles could have helped keeping her up, and afloat. 240 00:11:14,566 --> 00:11:16,286 The first time I went dog racing, 241 00:11:16,286 --> 00:11:19,096 I went with a friend of mine and he was betting on the second favourite. 242 00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,376 He said, "It's always good to back the second favourite 243 00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:24,476 "cos often someone's slipped the favourite a pie." 244 00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:26,757 And that's... 245 00:11:26,757 --> 00:11:30,326 The dog... Is the dog like, "I can't run. I've... I'm, oh... 246 00:11:30,326 --> 00:11:31,686 "Oh..." 247 00:11:31,686 --> 00:11:32,966 That was delicious, though. 248 00:11:32,966 --> 00:11:34,476 That's how you nobble a dog race - 249 00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:37,556 you slip a meat pie to the dog, and then it eats it, 250 00:11:37,556 --> 00:11:39,767 and, I mean, you can imagine it doesn't run so fast. 251 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,556 That would probably work on this show, do you not think? 252 00:11:42,556 --> 00:11:45,887 Many's the time I've been slipped a pie, Sandi. 253 00:11:45,887 --> 00:11:49,206 So from a nearly man, to the world's biggest nobody. 254 00:11:49,206 --> 00:11:53,256 What did these guys do when they realised their cox was too big? 255 00:11:55,276 --> 00:11:57,846 I presume they threw him overboard. 256 00:11:57,846 --> 00:12:02,006 Kind of. It's a really sweet story, this. 257 00:12:02,006 --> 00:12:03,996 So we all know what the cox does. 258 00:12:03,996 --> 00:12:05,566 The cox tells them... He steers the boat. 259 00:12:05,566 --> 00:12:07,846 Steers the boat, yes. Stops them from rowing into things. 260 00:12:07,846 --> 00:12:09,846 From "coxswain", literally a boat servant. 261 00:12:09,846 --> 00:12:14,686 Also shouts "row", which doesn't seem necessary in any other sport. 262 00:12:14,686 --> 00:12:16,966 No-one in the 100 metres has got a guy on the side going, 263 00:12:16,966 --> 00:12:19,606 "Left, right, left, right." 264 00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,767 So this boy is the cox? He BECAME the cox. 265 00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:24,276 He was the replacement. This is... 266 00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:26,206 First of all, I love these outfits. Can I just say? 267 00:12:26,206 --> 00:12:27,406 If every sport wore these... 268 00:12:27,406 --> 00:12:30,196 Yes, is it unusual to do it in your underpants? I think they're sweet. 269 00:12:30,196 --> 00:12:33,126 They look gorgeous. They're anatomically correct. 270 00:12:33,126 --> 00:12:34,456 Not necessarily. 271 00:12:34,456 --> 00:12:37,376 This is the Dutch cox pair from the 1900 Olympics. 272 00:12:37,376 --> 00:12:39,446 So what happened was they got through to the final 273 00:12:39,446 --> 00:12:41,846 and they had an overweight cox called Hermanus Brockmann, 274 00:12:41,846 --> 00:12:44,196 and they thought it was going to cost them the gold. 275 00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:48,246 So they had noticed that the French crews were using children as coxes, 276 00:12:48,246 --> 00:12:49,926 and so they decided to get one of their own, 277 00:12:49,926 --> 00:12:51,887 and they plucked one from a crowd - this boy. 278 00:12:51,887 --> 00:12:54,366 He'd already been discarded, actually, by the French 279 00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:55,996 as being too heavy. 280 00:12:55,996 --> 00:12:58,046 He's between seven and ten years old, 281 00:12:58,046 --> 00:12:59,556 nobody knows his name, 282 00:12:59,556 --> 00:13:02,276 but with him coxing they won the gold, 283 00:13:02,276 --> 00:13:04,486 and then he vanished back into the crowd. 284 00:13:04,486 --> 00:13:06,736 He is an Olympic gold medallist, 285 00:13:06,736 --> 00:13:09,366 and nobody knows his name. 286 00:13:09,366 --> 00:13:11,556 Isn't it the sweetest story? Incredible. 287 00:13:11,556 --> 00:13:13,406 Also, the idea that he was telling his friends, 288 00:13:13,406 --> 00:13:15,196 "I went and I saw the rowing, it was amazing." 289 00:13:15,196 --> 00:13:17,335 "Where did you sit?" "I had a great seat! 290 00:13:18,526 --> 00:13:20,176 "Yeah, I was in the boat." 291 00:13:20,176 --> 00:13:23,486 He's the only anonymous gold winner ever in the Olympics. 292 00:13:23,486 --> 00:13:25,916 The medal was given to the overweight cox 293 00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:28,806 who didn't actually row, Hermanus Brockmann, he got the gold medal. 294 00:13:28,806 --> 00:13:31,047 And he was disappointed that it wasn't made of chocolate. 295 00:13:32,206 --> 00:13:33,926 I think that's the main disappointment 296 00:13:33,926 --> 00:13:35,647 of all gold medal-winners in the Olympics. 297 00:13:35,647 --> 00:13:38,166 "Oh, seriously?" 298 00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:42,526 Yes, indeed. They sacked their cox and got a lad in to do his job. 299 00:13:42,526 --> 00:13:45,926 And now for something that's not quite the full shilling. 300 00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:49,376 So, I have got three bottles of wine. 301 00:13:49,376 --> 00:13:52,836 I've got a very nicely aged Chateau Brandreth. 302 00:13:52,836 --> 00:13:55,556 Ooh! How lovely. I'll pass that to you down there. 303 00:13:55,556 --> 00:13:58,046 I've got a - this is rather lovely - Jimicar Valley White. 304 00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:00,176 Fruity and fresh. I'll just pass that. 305 00:14:00,176 --> 00:14:01,887 Very excellent with cheese. 306 00:14:01,887 --> 00:14:03,736 And this one... 307 00:14:03,736 --> 00:14:05,926 What are you saying about Jimmy's material? 308 00:14:05,926 --> 00:14:07,887 Cheesy and fruity? Oh, fair enough. 309 00:14:07,887 --> 00:14:11,176 This one goes down very well, I hear. 310 00:14:11,176 --> 00:14:15,086 It's a 1966 Alan Davies Piteous Whine. 311 00:14:15,086 --> 00:14:18,816 There we go. So, Victoria, you know nothing about these wines. 312 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,606 Let us imagine that you care for all wines 313 00:14:20,606 --> 00:14:22,206 in a rather similar manner. Mm-hmm. 314 00:14:22,206 --> 00:14:24,757 I can make that leap of the imagination. Thank you very much. 315 00:14:24,757 --> 00:14:28,396 Which one would you purchase, based on the price? 316 00:14:28,396 --> 00:14:31,251 On those prices, I mean, all of them. I'd still get change... 317 00:14:32,816 --> 00:14:36,446 People who have wine stoppers - what's the point of that? 318 00:14:36,446 --> 00:14:40,096 What are they for? Indeed, what are they for? 319 00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,200 APPLAUSE 320 00:14:44,556 --> 00:14:46,757 If you mean genuinely, what would I do? Yes, genuinely. 321 00:14:46,757 --> 00:14:48,996 I'm not a wine snob. If I didn't know anything about them, 322 00:14:48,996 --> 00:14:49,996 I'd buy the cheapest one. 323 00:14:49,996 --> 00:14:51,446 Would you buy the one that's £5.50? 324 00:14:51,446 --> 00:14:53,887 Yeah, why not? I don't know what the extra 50p will get me. 325 00:14:53,887 --> 00:14:56,566 I was told by somebody who knows about wine that you should 326 00:14:56,566 --> 00:14:58,606 consider the duty on the wine. 327 00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,276 Oh, right. So if a bottle... 328 00:15:00,276 --> 00:15:03,767 If the duty says £4 on a bottle and the bottle is £5, 329 00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:06,637 you're really paying for a £1 bottle of wine. Wow. 330 00:15:06,637 --> 00:15:09,006 But if it's £6, you're paying for a £2 bottle of wine, 331 00:15:09,006 --> 00:15:10,767 so it's therefore twice as good. Ooh. 332 00:15:10,767 --> 00:15:13,206 So, even though it's only £1 more... Ah. 333 00:15:13,206 --> 00:15:15,816 And I have followed that advice ever since. Was that man...? 334 00:15:15,816 --> 00:15:18,166 So, this guy buying a £1 bottle of wine, 335 00:15:18,166 --> 00:15:20,686 was he outside a shop at the time? Was he? 336 00:15:20,686 --> 00:15:23,256 Was he in the park drinking, perchance? 337 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,757 He was... He was already drunk. 338 00:15:25,757 --> 00:15:28,126 Anybody else? Anybody? What would you go for, Jimmy? 339 00:15:28,126 --> 00:15:29,526 Second-cheapest, always. 340 00:15:29,526 --> 00:15:31,286 Right, so you'd go for the 5.99? 341 00:15:31,286 --> 00:15:32,736 Well, yeah. Well, you know... 342 00:15:32,736 --> 00:15:35,126 In restaurants, people never choose the cheapest one, 343 00:15:35,126 --> 00:15:37,456 and they don't feel they can afford the most expensive 344 00:15:37,456 --> 00:15:38,916 because that's usually about £600, 345 00:15:38,916 --> 00:15:40,606 so they go for the one above the cheapest, 346 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,736 which would be the 5.99. Except, except... 347 00:15:42,736 --> 00:15:44,996 And then once you've had one bottle, just get the house. 348 00:15:44,996 --> 00:15:46,496 But also, is there not...? 349 00:15:46,496 --> 00:15:48,196 If there's only a penny difference, you see, 350 00:15:48,196 --> 00:15:50,126 is there not a psychological advantage there? 351 00:15:50,126 --> 00:15:52,637 It is, this is the thing. It's called psychological pricing, 352 00:15:52,637 --> 00:15:55,456 and most... It's also known as charm pricing or magical pricing, 353 00:15:55,456 --> 00:15:56,726 pretty pricing. 354 00:15:56,726 --> 00:15:58,887 Most people would go for the 5.99... 355 00:15:58,887 --> 00:16:01,046 They wouldn't be so cheap, Victoria. 356 00:16:01,046 --> 00:16:05,176 They'd go for the 5.99, and there seems to be a subconscious thing 357 00:16:05,176 --> 00:16:07,336 that we prefer precise prices to round ones. 358 00:16:07,336 --> 00:16:08,736 That seems to be a thing. 359 00:16:08,736 --> 00:16:11,276 And also, it's called a left-digit anchor effect, 360 00:16:11,276 --> 00:16:13,806 so the 5.99, it's still in the £5 bracket, 361 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,246 it's not quite in the £6 bracket, 362 00:16:15,246 --> 00:16:16,916 and therefore, we seem more likely... 363 00:16:16,916 --> 00:16:18,846 Are we still falling for this, people? I know! 364 00:16:18,846 --> 00:16:20,126 Isn't there a theory on this, 365 00:16:20,126 --> 00:16:22,176 that it started because they wanted to make sure 366 00:16:22,176 --> 00:16:24,486 that they weren't being ripped off by their vendors? 367 00:16:24,486 --> 00:16:26,456 If you've got to give them a penny change, 368 00:16:26,456 --> 00:16:27,556 it has to go through the till. 369 00:16:27,556 --> 00:16:28,996 Yes, there was a theory about that, 370 00:16:28,996 --> 00:16:31,056 but there are experiments that suggest 371 00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:34,276 that you do better to price products at £5.99 than at £5.50, 372 00:16:34,276 --> 00:16:36,326 because the 99 feels like a reduction. 373 00:16:36,326 --> 00:16:40,926 It is odd that £6.01 sounds a lot more than £5.99. 374 00:16:40,926 --> 00:16:43,686 It sounds about 40 quid more. Yes, it does, doesn't it? 375 00:16:43,686 --> 00:16:46,637 Also, what a bore to have 99p in change. 376 00:16:46,637 --> 00:16:47,966 That's the reason for not doing it. 377 00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:50,916 Well, the Official Monster Raving Loony Party in this country 378 00:16:50,916 --> 00:16:54,446 has proposed creation of a 99p coin to save change. 379 00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:56,448 APPLAUSE 380 00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:00,644 It's a very good idea. 381 00:17:01,996 --> 00:17:04,816 Is this genuinely wine, or have they filled the bottle with water? 382 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:07,846 I haven't opened it to check. Why don't you unscrew it and see? 383 00:17:07,846 --> 00:17:09,716 This is wine. This is wine. 384 00:17:09,716 --> 00:17:12,606 It's Beaujolais. Have we got any glasses? 385 00:17:12,606 --> 00:17:14,346 APPLAUSE 386 00:17:18,716 --> 00:17:21,086 Do you think you've overpaid for that, or was that all right? 387 00:17:21,086 --> 00:17:23,126 No, I think that's all right. That's not too shabby? 388 00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:24,897 I think I've done well with the cheapest one. 389 00:17:24,897 --> 00:17:27,326 I think in restaurants you should always order the house wine 390 00:17:27,326 --> 00:17:28,846 because if they should... 391 00:17:28,846 --> 00:17:31,966 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 392 00:17:31,966 --> 00:17:33,736 Oh, do you know what? Not terrible! 393 00:17:33,736 --> 00:17:37,206 No, and weirdly, the next subject that I've got coming up 394 00:17:37,206 --> 00:17:38,889 is the bacteria in people's mouths. 395 00:17:43,637 --> 00:17:45,767 You should always order the house wine... Why's that? 396 00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,966 ..cos a restaurant ought to stand by its house wine. 397 00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:50,637 If the house wine is not good then the food is not going to be good. 398 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:53,326 And, also, they buy so much of it they can get it at a better price. 399 00:17:53,326 --> 00:17:54,416 Yes, so that is... 400 00:17:54,416 --> 00:17:56,966 So, buy the house wine at 99 rather than... 401 00:17:56,966 --> 00:17:58,647 Well, it depends on how expensive it is. 402 00:17:58,647 --> 00:18:00,996 So a prestige good, a luxury good like, say, for example, 403 00:18:00,996 --> 00:18:03,046 do you like handbags? Do you like luxury handbags? 404 00:18:03,046 --> 00:18:05,686 Of course, yes. No. No? 405 00:18:05,686 --> 00:18:08,206 People are more likely to pay £900 for a luxury handbag 406 00:18:08,206 --> 00:18:09,887 than £899.99... Oh, yes. 407 00:18:09,887 --> 00:18:12,556 ..cos you don't want it to be affordable, that's not the point. 408 00:18:12,556 --> 00:18:15,256 I genuinely... I don't understand about handbags. OK. 409 00:18:15,256 --> 00:18:16,356 And I'm... 410 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,606 I'm not really a proper girl, as I try to... 411 00:18:18,606 --> 00:18:19,925 GYLES: Oh. 412 00:18:22,406 --> 00:18:25,536 And Jimmy's fine with that. 413 00:18:25,536 --> 00:18:26,637 A handbag is essential. 414 00:18:26,637 --> 00:18:27,767 Do you carry a man-bag? 415 00:18:27,767 --> 00:18:30,566 I don't carry a man-bag, but I discovered a handbag was essential 416 00:18:30,566 --> 00:18:32,846 when I wrote a book about the Queen, 417 00:18:32,846 --> 00:18:35,696 and the Queen always has a handbag, one over her arm. Mmm. 418 00:18:35,696 --> 00:18:41,716 And when she moves her handbag from one wrist to the other wrist, 419 00:18:41,716 --> 00:18:45,996 that is the cue for the equerry-in-waiting to move you on. 420 00:18:45,996 --> 00:18:47,276 Oh. 421 00:18:47,276 --> 00:18:49,897 So, when you are next, Sandi, chatting with Her Majesty... Yes. 422 00:18:49,897 --> 00:18:51,606 ..and thinking it's going rather well, 423 00:18:51,606 --> 00:18:54,356 doing some of your amusing Danish stuff, erm... 424 00:18:54,356 --> 00:18:56,936 LAUGHTER 425 00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:57,976 Not tactful but... 426 00:18:57,976 --> 00:18:59,976 She can't get enough of it. She can't. 427 00:18:59,976 --> 00:19:02,246 She can't - her husband is a Dane. She loves all that. 428 00:19:02,246 --> 00:19:03,486 She loves the Nordics. 429 00:19:03,486 --> 00:19:04,926 She loves all that. Philip? 430 00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,526 Yeah. I think he's Greek. 431 00:19:06,526 --> 00:19:08,637 Oh, no, no. Oh, no, that's just a cover. 432 00:19:08,637 --> 00:19:11,566 OK. LAUGHTER 433 00:19:11,566 --> 00:19:13,966 He's quite mad, you know. No! 434 00:19:13,966 --> 00:19:16,606 I had lunch with Her Majesty and she appeared to have nothing but 435 00:19:16,606 --> 00:19:18,887 dog biscuits in the bag. Yeah, well... 436 00:19:18,887 --> 00:19:20,536 But, anyway, that is the trick. 437 00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:23,526 So, just watch out when she moves the bag from one wrist to 438 00:19:23,526 --> 00:19:26,206 the other, you know it's your time to step away. 439 00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:27,816 Move along. Move along. 440 00:19:27,816 --> 00:19:30,406 Erm, in The Meaning Of Liff, which is a fabulous book, 441 00:19:30,406 --> 00:19:32,637 a Kibblesworth, which is a village in Tyne and Wear, 442 00:19:32,637 --> 00:19:34,966 is defined as "the footling amount of money 443 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:37,336 "by which a price is less than a sensible number", 444 00:19:37,336 --> 00:19:39,246 which I like. 445 00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,637 Shall we put the bottles away? Do you want to give me...? 446 00:19:41,637 --> 00:19:43,416 Give me yours! I AM putting it away! 447 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,896 No, give me yours, sweetheart. APPLAUSE 448 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:50,777 I'll keep it safe. 449 00:19:50,777 --> 00:19:54,196 So, I got 99 problems, but the pence ain't one. 450 00:19:54,196 --> 00:19:57,176 Now. Just... That's for the younger people. 451 00:19:59,276 --> 00:20:03,046 Here is a not-unknotty poser for you to consider. 452 00:20:03,046 --> 00:20:06,326 What's a really unfortunate name to have on the internet? 453 00:20:06,326 --> 00:20:08,637 I was thinking of that one of, like, there's a... 454 00:20:08,637 --> 00:20:11,206 There's a Pen Island that has a website. 455 00:20:11,206 --> 00:20:13,166 Oh! Yes! 456 00:20:13,166 --> 00:20:15,076 Is that right? Which doesn't look great. 457 00:20:15,076 --> 00:20:16,767 No. What? Pen Island. 458 00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:18,735 Oh, Pen Island! OK. 459 00:20:20,336 --> 00:20:22,456 There's actually a company that I've worked for 460 00:20:22,456 --> 00:20:23,976 called Bound And Gagged Comedy, 461 00:20:23,976 --> 00:20:27,887 and if you type in "bound and gagged" - ooh! 462 00:20:27,887 --> 00:20:32,836 I found that once. I googled "big carthorse" - and, my word! 463 00:20:32,836 --> 00:20:34,846 That could take your eye out. 464 00:20:34,846 --> 00:20:39,806 Sorry - for what legitimate reason were you googling "big carthorse"? 465 00:20:41,556 --> 00:20:43,126 I get lonely. 466 00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:48,606 Anyway, there are all sorts of names that don't work. 467 00:20:48,606 --> 00:20:51,046 There's a man called Christopher Null, who is from Texas, 468 00:20:51,046 --> 00:20:54,526 and he finds that computers regularly reject anything, 469 00:20:54,526 --> 00:20:56,936 because "null", in lots of programming languages, 470 00:20:56,936 --> 00:21:00,176 basically means "this space is intentionally left blank". 471 00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:01,446 Now, here is the good thing - 472 00:21:01,446 --> 00:21:03,726 Mr Null is a prominent tech journalist, 473 00:21:03,726 --> 00:21:06,846 as I think you can tell by his thrusting photograph, 474 00:21:06,846 --> 00:21:09,046 and the easiest thing, apparently, 475 00:21:09,046 --> 00:21:11,436 is to put a full stop after the name, is the best way. 476 00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:13,136 There are all sorts of names like that - 477 00:21:13,136 --> 00:21:14,816 computers go, "Well, I don't know." 478 00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:15,976 Oh, I see. As in null and void? 479 00:21:15,976 --> 00:21:17,836 Yes. So you type in "null" and nothing appears? 480 00:21:17,836 --> 00:21:20,406 Yes... He's the Invisible Man! That's what he looks like. 481 00:21:20,406 --> 00:21:21,996 Yes, that is indeed what he looks like. 482 00:21:21,996 --> 00:21:24,686 But he's not on his own, there've been hundreds of people in China 483 00:21:24,686 --> 00:21:26,006 who've had to change their names 484 00:21:26,006 --> 00:21:27,686 because the computer codes don't exist 485 00:21:27,686 --> 00:21:29,436 and they don't have the Chinese sign for it. 486 00:21:29,436 --> 00:21:32,176 And therefore they don't exist so they've had to change their name, 487 00:21:32,176 --> 00:21:34,637 otherwise they can't apply for a driving licence, or whatever. 488 00:21:34,637 --> 00:21:37,686 And what are these people called? I don't know the names of all of them, 489 00:21:37,686 --> 00:21:39,777 because there are several hundred of them. 490 00:21:39,777 --> 00:21:42,246 There are a lot of Chinese people, that is a matter of fact. Yeah. 491 00:21:42,246 --> 00:21:46,436 There was a British feminist called Margaret Sandra and, in 1979, 492 00:21:46,436 --> 00:21:48,726 she dropped her surname because she got very irritated. 493 00:21:48,726 --> 00:21:51,496 She went to buy a tumble dryer and she wasn't allowed to buy it 494 00:21:51,496 --> 00:21:53,616 unless her husband signed the form. 495 00:21:53,616 --> 00:21:56,326 Ah! So she became enraged, and she doesn't have a surname. 496 00:21:56,326 --> 00:21:57,767 But the result is, if you don't... 497 00:21:57,767 --> 00:22:00,356 Wet clothes. Yes. 498 00:22:00,356 --> 00:22:01,966 If you don't have a surname on a computer, 499 00:22:01,966 --> 00:22:03,326 you can't easily claim benefits 500 00:22:03,326 --> 00:22:05,086 or you can't book online or you can't... 501 00:22:05,086 --> 00:22:07,166 There's all sorts of things you can't do. 502 00:22:07,166 --> 00:22:10,056 So what does...? Poor Bono and Cher, it must be all kinds of... 503 00:22:10,056 --> 00:22:11,767 Must be hell. The poor things. 504 00:22:11,767 --> 00:22:15,286 Just being them, actually. They've got no white goods at all. 505 00:22:15,286 --> 00:22:18,076 Poor Sting can't get a driver's licence. 506 00:22:18,076 --> 00:22:21,496 Down there at the water's edge, bashing their clothes on rocks. 507 00:22:21,496 --> 00:22:25,444 "Why are you doing that?" "I can't get a washing machine!" 508 00:22:27,166 --> 00:22:29,623 This makes me feel... The Edge is no help. 509 00:22:32,637 --> 00:22:35,128 APPLAUSE 510 00:22:37,006 --> 00:22:39,076 My favourite story about getting names wrong - 511 00:22:39,076 --> 00:22:41,286 there was a British student called Adam Armstrong, 512 00:22:41,286 --> 00:22:43,726 and he had his Ryanair seat accidentally booked 513 00:22:43,726 --> 00:22:44,816 in the wrong name, 514 00:22:44,816 --> 00:22:47,966 so the airline was going to charge him £220 administration fee 515 00:22:47,966 --> 00:22:50,416 to correct this error, and he didn't want to pay the money, 516 00:22:50,416 --> 00:22:53,396 so he changed his name by deed poll, 517 00:22:53,396 --> 00:22:55,616 which is free, OK, 518 00:22:55,616 --> 00:22:57,891 and he got a new passport for £103. 519 00:22:59,696 --> 00:23:03,406 Way cheaper - instead of paying Ryanair for a clerical error, 520 00:23:03,406 --> 00:23:06,126 change your name. 521 00:23:06,126 --> 00:23:09,206 There's a lesson, though I have no idea what it is. 522 00:23:09,206 --> 00:23:11,126 And now, for a total non-event - 523 00:23:11,126 --> 00:23:14,476 who's the best person to invite to a "Don't Come" party? 524 00:23:14,476 --> 00:23:17,406 Oh! Yes. A "Don't Come" party? 525 00:23:17,406 --> 00:23:19,716 It's an actual thing that is used now by charities... 526 00:23:19,716 --> 00:23:22,326 Oh, I think I know what it is then. Yes. 527 00:23:22,326 --> 00:23:27,326 It is where, in order to raise money, they say, 528 00:23:27,326 --> 00:23:30,996 "If you give us £1,000, we will not hold this occasion." 529 00:23:30,996 --> 00:23:33,606 You don't therefore need to spend money on having your hair done, 530 00:23:33,606 --> 00:23:37,076 buying a new frock, hiring a car... Yeah...taking part in the raffle, 531 00:23:37,076 --> 00:23:41,126 buying a balloon, getting the drugs behind the fountain... 532 00:23:41,126 --> 00:23:43,286 None of these things need to happen. 533 00:23:43,286 --> 00:23:45,566 It's a cheap, cheap evening. 534 00:23:45,566 --> 00:23:46,976 Behind the fountain? 535 00:23:46,976 --> 00:23:49,176 And, what, did this come out of people going, 536 00:23:49,176 --> 00:23:50,996 "I would pay not to go to that event"? 537 00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:52,887 Yes. Yes. So people that want to stay at home. 538 00:23:52,887 --> 00:23:56,086 I would pay not to hear Gyles' after-dinner speech. 539 00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:58,926 I'm not saying that. I... 540 00:23:58,926 --> 00:24:01,846 APPLAUSE 541 00:24:01,846 --> 00:24:03,126 And you can make the thing sound 542 00:24:03,126 --> 00:24:05,326 as extravagant and glamorous as you like, 543 00:24:05,326 --> 00:24:06,616 and then don't have it. 544 00:24:06,616 --> 00:24:09,286 You say it's at a fantastically expensive hotel 545 00:24:09,286 --> 00:24:11,436 and there's going to be champagne, but don't come, 546 00:24:11,436 --> 00:24:14,126 and then you get more money because people don't want to go anywhere. 547 00:24:14,126 --> 00:24:15,976 So, a "Never Event" is different. Yes. 548 00:24:15,976 --> 00:24:17,716 OK, and do we know what that is? 549 00:24:17,716 --> 00:24:20,056 Is that an event that was never going to happen? 550 00:24:20,056 --> 00:24:23,536 No. It's the official name used by hospital administrators 551 00:24:23,536 --> 00:24:26,416 to describe errors that are wholly avoidable, 552 00:24:26,416 --> 00:24:28,806 so should never occur. 553 00:24:28,806 --> 00:24:33,046 Like, I should think using a meat cleaver on a patient would be... 554 00:24:33,046 --> 00:24:35,897 Before we rush to judgment, we don't know what's the matter with him. 555 00:24:35,897 --> 00:24:38,496 No. That might be necessary. 556 00:24:38,496 --> 00:24:41,076 But, curiously, these Never Events do occur. 557 00:24:41,076 --> 00:24:44,728 I was hosting the British Funeral Directors' awards recently... 558 00:24:48,086 --> 00:24:50,259 We've got to get you a new agent, dude. 559 00:24:51,326 --> 00:24:53,078 It was quite quiet, initially. 560 00:24:56,406 --> 00:24:59,486 I hope you opened with that. It took place at the end of the day - 561 00:24:59,486 --> 00:25:02,436 they'd had their trade show in the same venue, 562 00:25:02,436 --> 00:25:07,536 and so around the edges of the room there were coffins, caskets, 563 00:25:07,536 --> 00:25:10,206 people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of sitting up in them. 564 00:25:10,206 --> 00:25:11,976 Were you picking a new home? 565 00:25:11,976 --> 00:25:13,932 AUDI ENCE MURMURS DISAPPROVINGLY 566 00:25:17,176 --> 00:25:19,686 No! It's all right. Can I say...? He's old and he'll be dead soon. 567 00:25:19,686 --> 00:25:21,996 I'm sorry if I was... 568 00:25:21,996 --> 00:25:24,606 Can I tell you something, Jimmy? 569 00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:27,246 I don't think you realise how this is getting to me, 570 00:25:27,246 --> 00:25:29,336 because this morning, this very morning, 571 00:25:29,336 --> 00:25:31,006 I received a letter through the post 572 00:25:31,006 --> 00:25:34,772 inviting me to be the new face of the Stannah stairlift. 573 00:25:36,696 --> 00:25:39,836 Take it! APPLAUSE 574 00:25:44,126 --> 00:25:45,616 The worst thing about this is... 575 00:25:47,696 --> 00:25:50,654 ..my wife said, "I think we should consider this." 576 00:25:51,836 --> 00:25:54,846 Then - this is a true story - 577 00:25:54,846 --> 00:25:58,486 I then phoned them up and I said, 578 00:25:58,486 --> 00:26:00,534 "Have you thought of Nigel Havers?" 579 00:26:02,086 --> 00:26:04,907 It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list. 580 00:26:05,996 --> 00:26:08,246 I'm afraid this is not the first invitation 581 00:26:08,246 --> 00:26:09,856 of its kind I've received, 582 00:26:09,856 --> 00:26:13,206 because I also - this is maybe how they got hold of my name - 583 00:26:13,206 --> 00:26:19,286 I was considered for being the new figure stretched out on the floor 584 00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:21,049 reaching for the alarm. 585 00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:25,166 "Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up"? 586 00:26:25,166 --> 00:26:28,567 That one. But June Whitfield has got that gig at the moment. 587 00:26:29,916 --> 00:26:31,796 But I have had this brilliant idea, 588 00:26:31,796 --> 00:26:33,796 which I've now begun to discuss with them, 589 00:26:33,796 --> 00:26:35,576 because my problem is that I go upstairs 590 00:26:35,576 --> 00:26:37,486 and can't remember why I've gone upstairs. 591 00:26:37,486 --> 00:26:40,286 Yes. So my idea is this - 592 00:26:40,286 --> 00:26:42,686 I attach to the arm of the stairlift 593 00:26:42,686 --> 00:26:45,166 an old-fashioned tape recorder, 594 00:26:45,166 --> 00:26:47,566 I sit in the chair, I press the two buttons, 595 00:26:47,566 --> 00:26:50,647 I tell myself why I am going upstairs. 596 00:26:50,647 --> 00:26:54,447 And I go up. APPLAUSE 597 00:27:00,647 --> 00:27:03,571 It's like the worst Beckett play ever. 598 00:27:04,897 --> 00:27:09,076 And the tape, years later it will be handed down the generations 599 00:27:09,076 --> 00:27:15,126 with all the reasons why Uncle Gyles went up the stairs for ten years. 600 00:27:15,126 --> 00:27:16,798 "For a shit." 601 00:27:23,606 --> 00:27:25,926 Never Events you may not wish to attend 602 00:27:25,926 --> 00:27:30,076 include Gyles Brandreth addressing funeral directors. 603 00:27:30,076 --> 00:27:33,566 These are both improbable pictures of George I, 604 00:27:33,566 --> 00:27:36,046 so what on earth happened here? 605 00:27:36,046 --> 00:27:38,264 Oh, he had his wig made into a moustache. 606 00:27:40,836 --> 00:27:43,777 I can give you a clue - they're separate "George I"s. 607 00:27:43,777 --> 00:27:46,416 The one on the left is Matt Lucas. 608 00:27:46,416 --> 00:27:48,086 I'm pretty sure that's Matt Lucas. 609 00:27:48,086 --> 00:27:50,796 I do think they all look like Samuel Pepys - everyone in a wig like that. 610 00:27:50,796 --> 00:27:52,686 Yes, those wigs, there, there's a thing. Yeah. 611 00:27:52,686 --> 00:27:54,777 Well, I can tell you, George I of Britain on the left. 612 00:27:54,777 --> 00:27:57,527 Yes, cos he's dressed up like... He was German, of course. 613 00:27:57,527 --> 00:27:58,726 He was German. 614 00:27:58,726 --> 00:28:01,076 In fact, he only spoke German when he first became king. 615 00:28:01,076 --> 00:28:03,206 GYLES SPEAKS GERMAN 616 00:28:03,206 --> 00:28:05,696 You don't have to do it in German. It's perfectly fine to... 617 00:28:05,696 --> 00:28:06,996 How did he become king? 618 00:28:06,996 --> 00:28:08,606 Well, that is the extraordinary thing, 619 00:28:08,606 --> 00:28:11,846 because there were 51 candidates to become the next king. 620 00:28:11,846 --> 00:28:13,526 Why did they choose George? 621 00:28:13,526 --> 00:28:16,326 All of them were ahead of him - were closer in line to the throne. 622 00:28:16,326 --> 00:28:17,767 Because we like a German. 623 00:28:17,767 --> 00:28:19,436 Because the others were all Catholics. 624 00:28:19,436 --> 00:28:20,767 Ah, of course. 625 00:28:20,767 --> 00:28:22,326 He was the only Protestant, 626 00:28:22,326 --> 00:28:25,446 and the Act was designed to ensure that Protestants came to the throne. 627 00:28:25,446 --> 00:28:26,966 The Act of Settlement? Yeah. 628 00:28:26,966 --> 00:28:29,156 It must have been like an upset on the X Factor, 629 00:28:29,156 --> 00:28:31,767 when the outsider comes in. Yes, yes, it was exactly like that. 630 00:28:31,767 --> 00:28:33,726 Start kicking Catholics off the X Factor, 631 00:28:33,726 --> 00:28:35,421 that'll stir up the ratings. 632 00:28:36,796 --> 00:28:38,996 Arbitrarily. 633 00:28:38,996 --> 00:28:41,846 We've got it back to the old rules. Yes. 634 00:28:41,846 --> 00:28:43,566 So, the other George I, 635 00:28:43,566 --> 00:28:46,366 also another king who took office against the odds, he's my random... 636 00:28:46,366 --> 00:28:49,406 Is he your...? Is he going to be Danish? He is, he's a randy Scandi. 637 00:28:49,406 --> 00:28:50,777 He is a randy Scandi. Yes, yes! 638 00:28:50,777 --> 00:28:54,136 He was Prince William of Denmark, and he became King of Greece in... 639 00:28:54,136 --> 00:28:55,566 Yup. That's... Excuse me! 640 00:28:55,566 --> 00:28:56,783 Yes? 641 00:28:57,846 --> 00:29:00,926 He's alive! Almost... 642 00:29:00,926 --> 00:29:02,606 You may recall that I mentioned earlier - 643 00:29:02,606 --> 00:29:04,726 and there was, sort of, ribald laughter - 644 00:29:04,726 --> 00:29:06,777 that the Duke of Edinburgh was Danish. Yes. 645 00:29:06,777 --> 00:29:08,206 The Duke of Edinburgh is Danish 646 00:29:08,206 --> 00:29:10,246 because he is a direct descendant of this man. 647 00:29:10,246 --> 00:29:11,777 OK, fair enough. And... 648 00:29:11,777 --> 00:29:14,256 So, surprisingly, at the end of the Greek War of Independence, 649 00:29:14,256 --> 00:29:15,566 so 1829... 650 00:29:15,566 --> 00:29:17,637 LAUGHTER 651 00:29:17,637 --> 00:29:20,246 ..Greece was in chaos. Who can imagine such a thing? 652 00:29:20,246 --> 00:29:23,076 Greece in chaos?! I know. It was the most extraordinary thing. 653 00:29:23,076 --> 00:29:24,616 What now with the who, how? I know. 654 00:29:24,616 --> 00:29:27,256 They had this guy called King Otto, and he was hopeless, 655 00:29:27,256 --> 00:29:29,006 and they didn't like him, so he was overthrown 656 00:29:29,006 --> 00:29:31,856 and they had a referendum to decide his successor. 657 00:29:31,856 --> 00:29:33,796 And there was Prince William of Denmark 658 00:29:33,796 --> 00:29:36,704 and Prince Alfred, who was the second son of Queen Victoria. 659 00:29:36,704 --> 00:29:41,922 There were 240,000 votes counted and Prince William got six, OK? 660 00:29:41,922 --> 00:29:44,882 The Greeks voted 95% of them that they wanted 661 00:29:44,882 --> 00:29:46,802 the British Prince, Prince Alfred. 662 00:29:46,802 --> 00:29:48,002 How touching. 663 00:29:48,002 --> 00:29:50,252 But there was a treaty that banned British royals from 664 00:29:50,252 --> 00:29:53,282 taking the Greek throne, so Prince William got it. 665 00:29:53,282 --> 00:29:54,402 He got it. 666 00:29:54,402 --> 00:29:56,332 With six votes?! With six votes, yes. 667 00:29:56,332 --> 00:29:57,282 Oh... 668 00:29:57,282 --> 00:30:00,842 That's democracy and royalty working together. 669 00:30:00,842 --> 00:30:02,692 They did try a lot of other royals as well, 670 00:30:02,692 --> 00:30:04,922 before they came down to these final two to put in the mix. 671 00:30:04,922 --> 00:30:07,692 They did, and what I like is there were 93 votes in the referendum 672 00:30:07,692 --> 00:30:09,773 for a republic and one to bring back King Otto. 673 00:30:09,773 --> 00:30:11,482 I mean, we have no idea who that was. 674 00:30:11,482 --> 00:30:15,132 And they took it... I think it might have been Otto. 675 00:30:15,132 --> 00:30:17,893 Otto's loyal butler. 676 00:30:17,893 --> 00:30:20,972 So, anyway, your chances of ascending the throne may be 677 00:30:20,972 --> 00:30:22,442 better than you thought, 678 00:30:22,442 --> 00:30:25,442 and here's another coronation that was not without its controversies. 679 00:30:25,442 --> 00:30:28,162 Have a careful look at this and tell me what's not all right. 680 00:30:28,162 --> 00:30:30,643 First of all, do we know which coronation it is? 681 00:30:30,643 --> 00:30:34,482 It's Queen Victoria. So, does anybody know what went wrong? 682 00:30:34,482 --> 00:30:36,692 They crowned the wrong woman. 683 00:30:36,692 --> 00:30:40,052 A lady called Karen was crowned. She ruled for 80 years. 684 00:30:40,052 --> 00:30:42,552 In a way, it's almost what happened. It's five hours, it was. 685 00:30:42,552 --> 00:30:44,432 First of all, the Archbishop of Canterbury 686 00:30:44,432 --> 00:30:46,442 forced the coronation ring onto the wrong finger - 687 00:30:46,442 --> 00:30:48,202 caused her severe pain, 688 00:30:48,202 --> 00:30:49,872 and they couldn't get it off afterwards. 689 00:30:49,872 --> 00:30:50,992 And three years later, 690 00:30:50,992 --> 00:30:52,932 he did exactly the same thing at her wedding. 691 00:30:52,932 --> 00:30:55,653 He was just not ring-savvy, the Archbishop of Canterbury. 692 00:30:55,653 --> 00:30:57,282 Then the Bishop of Bath and Wells 693 00:30:57,282 --> 00:31:00,012 accidentally turned over two pages in the service book, 694 00:31:00,012 --> 00:31:03,209 and he cut out the whole section where they made her Queen. 695 00:31:05,152 --> 00:31:07,252 What do you mean, "the whole section"? 696 00:31:07,252 --> 00:31:09,202 That's surely the whole coronation, isn't it? 697 00:31:09,202 --> 00:31:11,242 But the coronation was invalid, 698 00:31:11,242 --> 00:31:13,792 and in fact she had left the Abbey before they realised 699 00:31:13,792 --> 00:31:16,072 and she had to come back and do it again. 700 00:31:16,072 --> 00:31:18,372 I love that, they had to do a retake. 701 00:31:18,372 --> 00:31:21,002 And then, as the Lords were being presented to her, 702 00:31:21,002 --> 00:31:24,922 the elderly, rather aptly named Lord Rolle, became globally famous 703 00:31:24,922 --> 00:31:27,722 for tripping over on the steps leading to the throne 704 00:31:27,722 --> 00:31:29,212 and rolling all the way down. 705 00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:34,162 Apparently she didn't endear herself to the public until that moment, 706 00:31:34,162 --> 00:31:36,252 and when Lord Rolle fell down the stairs 707 00:31:36,252 --> 00:31:37,492 she got up and tried to help him, 708 00:31:37,492 --> 00:31:39,252 and after that they thought, "Oh, she's..." 709 00:31:39,252 --> 00:31:41,792 Because she was very young, wasn't she? Yeah, she was a teenager. 710 00:31:41,792 --> 00:31:44,002 I mean, it must have been an unbelievable thing. 711 00:31:44,002 --> 00:31:47,432 Now, here's a substance you may be not unfamiliar with, 712 00:31:47,432 --> 00:31:50,722 even if you don't think you're not. 713 00:31:50,722 --> 00:31:52,162 What might you use Nobel's... 714 00:31:52,162 --> 00:31:55,482 This whole episode's giving me a headache. 715 00:31:55,482 --> 00:31:57,722 What might you use Nobel's Safety Powder for? 716 00:31:57,722 --> 00:32:00,002 JIMMY BUZZES Yes? 717 00:32:00,002 --> 00:32:02,722 Is that not the original name for dynamite? 718 00:32:02,722 --> 00:32:05,292 It is. Absolutely right. It's the original name for dynamite. 719 00:32:05,292 --> 00:32:09,412 You're absolutely right. That's the... That's the... Yeah. 720 00:32:09,412 --> 00:32:11,492 He was the one that made it kind of safe. 721 00:32:11,492 --> 00:32:13,682 Well, it was safer than the alternative explosives, 722 00:32:13,682 --> 00:32:15,152 and in the end he called it dynamite, 723 00:32:15,152 --> 00:32:16,962 which is from the ancient Greek for "power", 724 00:32:16,962 --> 00:32:20,252 but dynamite is less likely to blow up while you're handling it. 725 00:32:20,252 --> 00:32:23,082 Why did he want to blow up pretty Japanese girls? 726 00:32:23,082 --> 00:32:25,072 Sorry? 727 00:32:25,072 --> 00:32:27,482 We've just seen the photograph - I mean, the picture. 728 00:32:27,482 --> 00:32:29,442 Let's go back. Let's go back and have a look. Yeah. 729 00:32:29,442 --> 00:32:30,882 Is that not a geisha of some kind? 730 00:32:30,882 --> 00:32:34,362 I'm going to guess that that's a mock-up for amusement purposes. 731 00:32:34,362 --> 00:32:36,763 Oh, for today. Yes. Oh, it's not the original advertisement. 732 00:32:36,763 --> 00:32:39,402 No, I don't think suggesting... LAUGHTER 733 00:32:39,402 --> 00:32:41,492 Well, the idea that someone would be, you know, 734 00:32:41,492 --> 00:32:44,932 flicking through What Quarry magazine, going, 735 00:32:44,932 --> 00:32:47,792 "This stuff looks... This looks pretty good." 736 00:32:47,792 --> 00:32:50,152 "I'll get some of that." Oh, that's a bit disappointing. 737 00:32:50,152 --> 00:32:52,202 You'd have to have serious cellulite to want to 738 00:32:52,202 --> 00:32:53,612 put dynamite to it, I'd think. 739 00:32:53,612 --> 00:32:54,992 There was no Botox. Yes. 740 00:32:54,992 --> 00:32:57,242 That'd be quite a thing. Some people will do anything. 741 00:32:57,242 --> 00:32:59,282 They sell embalming fluid as a beauty cream. Do they? 742 00:32:59,282 --> 00:33:00,482 GYLES: I know that, actually. 743 00:33:00,482 --> 00:33:03,792 Well, yeah, from your friends in the funeral business. 744 00:33:03,792 --> 00:33:07,282 I was wondering what was keeping you looking so fresh. 745 00:33:07,282 --> 00:33:09,284 He's got a bucket of it. Yeah. 746 00:33:13,232 --> 00:33:15,122 So he went on and called it dynamite, 747 00:33:15,122 --> 00:33:17,282 and then he made the even safer "blasting gelatine", 748 00:33:17,282 --> 00:33:20,092 which is an explosive jelly which is known as gelignite. 749 00:33:20,092 --> 00:33:22,322 Well, isn't there the thing on him where he... 750 00:33:22,322 --> 00:33:26,282 there was a false obituary or a premature obituary of his? Yeah. 751 00:33:26,282 --> 00:33:28,362 That had basically said, this guy was, you know, 752 00:33:28,362 --> 00:33:31,482 he'd profited from death and then he set up the Peace Prize. 753 00:33:31,482 --> 00:33:34,482 So they say. Nobody can find such an obituary, so it may be 754 00:33:34,482 --> 00:33:36,513 one of those things, those stories that we tell... 755 00:33:36,513 --> 00:33:38,412 It'd be in an old paper. Who can be bothered to look? 756 00:33:38,412 --> 00:33:40,763 But there's quite a lot of stories like that about him. 757 00:33:40,763 --> 00:33:42,872 There's a story that there's no Nobel Maths Prize, 758 00:33:42,872 --> 00:33:45,152 in order to punish all mathematicians, 759 00:33:45,152 --> 00:33:47,322 because one of them had eloped with his wife. 760 00:33:47,322 --> 00:33:49,002 It's not true because... 761 00:33:49,002 --> 00:33:49,972 He wasn't married. 762 00:33:49,972 --> 00:33:51,152 He never got married. 763 00:33:51,152 --> 00:33:53,442 He had lots of long-term romantic relationships 764 00:33:53,442 --> 00:33:55,982 but nobody left him for a mathematician. It isn't true. 765 00:33:55,982 --> 00:33:57,402 There's no Nobel Prize for Maths 766 00:33:57,402 --> 00:33:59,622 because there wasn't any reason why there should be one. 767 00:33:59,622 --> 00:34:02,763 There's no Nobel Prize for PE, or... 768 00:34:02,763 --> 00:34:04,612 Biology or Geography. 769 00:34:04,612 --> 00:34:06,763 There isn't even, actually, a Nobel for Economics. 770 00:34:06,763 --> 00:34:09,362 The Economics Nobel isn't a Nobel Prize. 771 00:34:09,362 --> 00:34:11,682 It's the Swedish bank, the Riksbank, 772 00:34:11,682 --> 00:34:13,932 they give it in memory of Alfred Nobel, 773 00:34:13,932 --> 00:34:15,482 and it's given at the same ceremony. 774 00:34:15,482 --> 00:34:18,282 Is that a double negative and it is a Nobel Prize? 775 00:34:18,282 --> 00:34:20,792 It isn't, because it's in memory of him, 776 00:34:20,792 --> 00:34:23,212 rather than it was one of the ones which he founded. Right. 777 00:34:23,212 --> 00:34:25,442 Can I say? The way you share this information with us, 778 00:34:25,442 --> 00:34:27,692 I love hearing you just giving us facts. 779 00:34:27,692 --> 00:34:30,162 There's a kind of erotic charge in the room. 780 00:34:30,162 --> 00:34:32,232 LAUGHTER 781 00:34:32,232 --> 00:34:35,052 I knew one day I'd turn - I never thought it'd be you, Gyles. 782 00:34:35,052 --> 00:34:37,692 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, who's... 783 00:34:37,692 --> 00:34:41,202 I think it's just nice for you to 784 00:34:41,202 --> 00:34:43,202 be in a room that isn't full of coffins, isn't it? 785 00:34:43,202 --> 00:34:45,202 GYLES: Yeah, yeah! 786 00:34:45,202 --> 00:34:46,682 Less funereal. Yes! 787 00:34:46,682 --> 00:34:48,491 But soon, Gyles. Soon. 788 00:34:50,513 --> 00:34:52,792 At which point, we turn our attention-deficit 789 00:34:52,792 --> 00:34:54,842 to that slush fund of negative knowledge - 790 00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:56,792 the General Ignorance round. 791 00:34:56,792 --> 00:35:00,072 Fingers not unadjacent to buzzers, if you please. 792 00:35:00,072 --> 00:35:03,405 Name some common Egyptian characters. 793 00:35:06,052 --> 00:35:08,922 Yes? The Eye of Horus. 794 00:35:08,922 --> 00:35:11,208 KLAXON 795 00:35:12,442 --> 00:35:14,402 What are the chances? 796 00:35:14,402 --> 00:35:17,402 I want to know why the Eye of Horus isn't a common Egyptian character. 797 00:35:17,402 --> 00:35:19,362 Because it's a hieroglyph, 798 00:35:19,362 --> 00:35:22,042 and hieroglyphs were only used for special occasions. 799 00:35:22,042 --> 00:35:24,232 GYLES: Ah. So they were not common, in fact. 800 00:35:24,232 --> 00:35:25,513 Well, I think you'll find 801 00:35:25,513 --> 00:35:28,002 that there were many special occasions in Egyptian life. 802 00:35:28,002 --> 00:35:29,362 Yes, obviously. The thing is, 803 00:35:29,362 --> 00:35:31,932 the normal everyday form of writing in Egyptian was hieratic. 804 00:35:31,932 --> 00:35:33,412 So it's a simplified version. 805 00:35:33,412 --> 00:35:35,292 It's a much more cursive version - there it is. 806 00:35:35,292 --> 00:35:37,442 That's a rarefied klaxon. 807 00:35:37,442 --> 00:35:41,722 I think, frankly, Victoria, they've set you up there. 808 00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:44,442 It can only be described as a trap. 809 00:35:44,442 --> 00:35:46,773 You have them on Only Connect, do you not, hieroglyphs? 810 00:35:46,773 --> 00:35:50,932 Yeah, we do. Yes. In our first series, it was Greek letters, 811 00:35:50,932 --> 00:35:53,322 and people wrote in and said, 812 00:35:53,322 --> 00:35:55,432 "We like the show, but we find that pretentious." 813 00:35:55,432 --> 00:35:57,412 So we began series three with an apology, saying, 814 00:35:57,412 --> 00:36:00,122 "We'd like to say sorry to anyone that's been enjoying the show, 815 00:36:00,122 --> 00:36:02,562 "but found the Greek letters a bit pretentious. We've listened, 816 00:36:02,562 --> 00:36:05,092 "it's your BBC, you've reached out, we've heard you. 817 00:36:05,092 --> 00:36:07,765 "Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph." 818 00:36:09,852 --> 00:36:11,802 Well, they're for special occasions, you see. 819 00:36:11,802 --> 00:36:14,212 The thing is, they can have multiple meanings. 820 00:36:14,212 --> 00:36:16,722 So, sometimes they just represent the thing they're drawing, 821 00:36:16,722 --> 00:36:19,202 so it could be a saw of some kind, it could be a tool, 822 00:36:19,202 --> 00:36:20,362 it could be something else. 823 00:36:20,362 --> 00:36:24,052 So the nose hieroglyph, for example, means smell or joy or contempt. 824 00:36:24,052 --> 00:36:26,653 But no vowels. Again, they're like Only Connect, you have a round, 825 00:36:26,653 --> 00:36:27,972 don't you, with no vowels? We do. 826 00:36:27,972 --> 00:36:30,072 There are no vowels in Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, 827 00:36:30,072 --> 00:36:31,852 so we have no idea how it would have sounded. 828 00:36:31,852 --> 00:36:34,552 So, King Ramses could be King Rameesees. We don't know. 829 00:36:34,552 --> 00:36:36,592 But that's impossible because, you know... 830 00:36:36,592 --> 00:36:38,872 Well, maybe I suppose you can manage without vowels, 831 00:36:38,872 --> 00:36:41,792 because when it comes to diction, vowels for volume... Right. 832 00:36:41,792 --> 00:36:43,773 ..consonants for clarity. 833 00:36:43,773 --> 00:36:46,773 As in the exercise that is performed by actors, 834 00:36:46,773 --> 00:36:48,362 you repeat the following: 835 00:36:48,362 --> 00:36:50,332 "Hip bath, hip bath, 836 00:36:50,332 --> 00:36:52,042 "lavatory, lavatory, 837 00:36:52,042 --> 00:36:53,643 "bidet, bidet, 838 00:36:53,643 --> 00:36:55,052 "douche!" 839 00:36:55,052 --> 00:36:57,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 840 00:37:00,712 --> 00:37:02,072 Are these all things...? 841 00:37:02,072 --> 00:37:04,492 Are these all things you're advertising? 842 00:37:04,492 --> 00:37:06,562 APPLAUSE 843 00:37:08,332 --> 00:37:10,332 Just tell us about your sponsorships, please. 844 00:37:10,332 --> 00:37:13,562 Can I say? People of your generation probably don't know what a bidet is, 845 00:37:13,562 --> 00:37:17,002 but they are all bathroom appliances of one kind or another. 846 00:37:17,002 --> 00:37:19,052 That you're advertising. Hip bath, hip bath, 847 00:37:19,052 --> 00:37:20,492 Iavatory, lavatory... 848 00:37:20,492 --> 00:37:22,852 bidet, bidet, douche! 849 00:37:22,852 --> 00:37:23,872 VICTORIA: Douche! 850 00:37:23,872 --> 00:37:26,592 Douche! I didn't like the way you looked at me when you said "douche". 851 00:37:26,592 --> 00:37:27,682 Now... 852 00:37:27,682 --> 00:37:30,643 When this goes out in America, that means something else there. Yeah. 853 00:37:30,643 --> 00:37:34,962 The average ancient Egyptian wrote not in hieroglyphics but hieratics. 854 00:37:34,962 --> 00:37:37,852 Now, what would happen if you dropped a penny 855 00:37:37,852 --> 00:37:40,272 from the Empire State Building? 856 00:37:40,272 --> 00:37:43,412 Oh, no, this is about killing people, isn't it? 857 00:37:43,412 --> 00:37:47,292 OK. Nothing. It wouldn't kill someone if it hit them. 858 00:37:47,292 --> 00:37:49,482 It would not kill somebody. 859 00:37:49,482 --> 00:37:51,882 It's too light. It's too light, absolutely. 860 00:37:51,882 --> 00:37:55,572 It's like you could drop a duckling, and it would float. A duckling? 861 00:37:55,572 --> 00:37:58,002 It's incredibly light, and also... 862 00:37:58,002 --> 00:38:00,792 Wouldn't a duckling fly? Oh, because a duckling can't fly yet. 863 00:38:00,792 --> 00:38:05,082 It can't fly, but they can fall out of nests and float to the ground, 864 00:38:05,082 --> 00:38:06,882 and you know how I know this? Yes? 865 00:38:06,882 --> 00:38:10,332 Because I had a roof terrace that had a pond on it, 866 00:38:10,332 --> 00:38:13,082 and some ducks came and moved in... Oh! 867 00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:16,763 ..had ducklings, and they all threw themselves off the roof. 868 00:38:16,763 --> 00:38:18,962 Oh! Three storeys up. 869 00:38:18,962 --> 00:38:21,643 Quickly, say there's a happy ending! And I ran down the stairs, 870 00:38:21,643 --> 00:38:24,612 and they were all wandering about in the car park. 871 00:38:25,601 --> 00:38:27,642 Did they get hit by a car? 872 00:38:27,642 --> 00:38:30,201 No, somebody rounded them up and put them in a box 873 00:38:30,201 --> 00:38:33,071 and took them back up the stairs, whereupon they did it again. 874 00:38:33,071 --> 00:38:35,231 Oh, no! What was it about living with you 875 00:38:35,231 --> 00:38:36,951 that made them want to jump off a roof? 876 00:38:36,951 --> 00:38:38,431 That's just what they do. 877 00:38:38,431 --> 00:38:39,762 Because they're so light, 878 00:38:39,762 --> 00:38:42,201 they won't plummet to the ground and die - they'll float. 879 00:38:42,201 --> 00:38:45,201 It's the same with the coins - they're fantastically lightweight, 880 00:38:45,201 --> 00:38:47,151 and they also have too much air-resistance. 881 00:38:47,151 --> 00:38:49,324 But if you had a whole bag of them...? 882 00:38:51,591 --> 00:38:54,951 If you really, really wanted to kill somebody... 883 00:38:54,951 --> 00:38:57,121 that is perfectly possible. 884 00:38:57,121 --> 00:38:59,871 A pen would make it. That would drill a hole in your head. 885 00:38:59,871 --> 00:39:02,001 That is not a good thing. Bad news. 886 00:39:02,001 --> 00:39:03,701 But, in fact, it's an academic question, 887 00:39:03,701 --> 00:39:05,881 because the coins mostly don't hit the ground at all. 888 00:39:05,881 --> 00:39:08,522 What happens is the design and height of the building 889 00:39:08,522 --> 00:39:10,231 creates so much strong updraught, 890 00:39:10,231 --> 00:39:13,522 that the tossed coins tend to be pushed back towards the building, 891 00:39:13,522 --> 00:39:16,481 and they land on the ledges and roofs of the lower floors, 892 00:39:16,481 --> 00:39:19,561 where the maintenance crew say, "Thank you", 893 00:39:19,561 --> 00:39:21,851 and collect them all up. 894 00:39:21,851 --> 00:39:24,241 Indeed. This is not connected with the pennies, 895 00:39:24,241 --> 00:39:25,291 but can I just tell you 896 00:39:25,291 --> 00:39:27,791 about one of my favourite creatures in the world? 897 00:39:27,791 --> 00:39:29,601 It's called the hero ant. 898 00:39:29,601 --> 00:39:32,201 It's a cliff-dwelling ant in Madagascar. 899 00:39:32,201 --> 00:39:35,001 Not a looker. Not a looker, I'll be honest. 900 00:39:35,001 --> 00:39:38,311 It's got the most fantastic way of removing predators from the nest. 901 00:39:38,311 --> 00:39:42,431 It grabs them and holds them and then jumps off the cliff, 902 00:39:42,431 --> 00:39:45,211 and then when it hits the bottom it lands softly, 903 00:39:45,211 --> 00:39:47,961 and then it lets go and climbs back up to the cave. 904 00:39:47,961 --> 00:39:50,801 Don't you think that's fantastic? That's rather fantastic. 905 00:39:50,801 --> 00:39:53,361 I mean, you probably shouldn't try it with a home intruder. 906 00:39:53,361 --> 00:39:56,571 No. That's worth mentioning. But, yeah, for safety. 907 00:39:56,571 --> 00:39:59,051 A coin dropped from the Empire State Building 908 00:39:59,051 --> 00:40:01,881 would never reach the ground, and if it did, it wouldn't do any damage. 909 00:40:01,881 --> 00:40:03,241 Finally, a quick health check. 910 00:40:03,241 --> 00:40:06,281 Put your hand up if you haven't got haemorrhoids at the moment. 911 00:40:06,281 --> 00:40:08,135 Put my hand up where? 912 00:40:11,011 --> 00:40:13,332 KLAXON 913 00:40:15,411 --> 00:40:17,129 Really? 914 00:40:23,411 --> 00:40:25,991 I don't mind getting the buzzer, but when you're so gleeful... 915 00:40:25,991 --> 00:40:27,361 Yes! So... 916 00:40:27,361 --> 00:40:30,281 I've always got... I've had haemorrhoids for about 25 years. 917 00:40:30,281 --> 00:40:33,281 The thing is, everybody's got them. We are born with haemorrhoids. 918 00:40:33,281 --> 00:40:35,291 There isn't anybody who doesn't have them. 919 00:40:35,291 --> 00:40:37,411 They're cushions, they're sort of made of veins 920 00:40:37,411 --> 00:40:40,311 which are a normal part of the anatomy, like your eyelids or lips, 921 00:40:40,311 --> 00:40:41,811 possibly not quite so pretty. 922 00:40:41,811 --> 00:40:45,491 And they're there to stop the stools leaking out of your bottom. 923 00:40:45,491 --> 00:40:48,938 They explained all this to me when I went to the audition for the job. 924 00:40:51,061 --> 00:40:53,131 It's only when they become enlarged or inflamed 925 00:40:53,131 --> 00:40:55,361 that they cause problems, but we have them all the time - 926 00:40:55,361 --> 00:40:57,161 we all have haemorrhoids all the time. 927 00:40:57,161 --> 00:41:00,361 Well, you know what? I think... Shall we go Embarrassing Bodies? 928 00:41:00,361 --> 00:41:03,522 Will I whip one out? So we've all got them at all times? 929 00:41:03,522 --> 00:41:06,231 We do, but there's a myth that if you sit on a cold surface 930 00:41:06,231 --> 00:41:08,642 or, conversely, on a radiator, it causes piles, 931 00:41:08,642 --> 00:41:10,081 and that's simply not true. 932 00:41:10,081 --> 00:41:12,491 And spicy food - not true. What causes...? 933 00:41:12,491 --> 00:41:14,481 Well, there is another old wives' tale 934 00:41:14,481 --> 00:41:16,571 about reading on the loo, can cause them. 935 00:41:16,571 --> 00:41:18,772 That may be true. What do you have to read? 936 00:41:18,772 --> 00:41:21,691 Is it like a spell? An incantation? 937 00:41:21,691 --> 00:41:25,041 No, it's sitting or standing for too long - strains your rectum. 938 00:41:25,041 --> 00:41:28,321 Yes, you mustn't push. No. No. 939 00:41:28,321 --> 00:41:31,301 And also, never resist the call to stool. 940 00:41:33,591 --> 00:41:35,934 Is that another way of warming up for an actor? 941 00:41:37,522 --> 00:41:39,951 Harry Hill told me that with his medical hat on - 942 00:41:39,951 --> 00:41:42,051 "Oh, you must never resist the call to stool." 943 00:41:42,051 --> 00:41:43,561 I like that. That's very good. 944 00:41:43,561 --> 00:41:46,001 They think Napoleon may have lost the battle of Waterloo 945 00:41:46,001 --> 00:41:47,691 because he had a terrible attack of piles 946 00:41:47,691 --> 00:41:49,481 which made him not sleep the night before. 947 00:41:49,481 --> 00:41:52,231 Well, they captured the moment, didn't they? 948 00:41:52,231 --> 00:41:54,361 That is a man with piles. 949 00:41:54,361 --> 00:41:55,801 Most definitely! 950 00:41:55,801 --> 00:41:58,211 That's the power of Instagram for you. 951 00:41:58,211 --> 00:42:01,291 "Your horse is ready." SHE SHUDDERS 952 00:42:01,291 --> 00:42:02,481 And David Livingstone, 953 00:42:02,481 --> 00:42:06,051 thought to have died on the banks of the Zambezi from burst haemorrhoids. 954 00:42:06,051 --> 00:42:09,100 Oh, no! If a haemorrhoid bursts in the forest... 955 00:42:11,561 --> 00:42:13,851 It's lovely that we're at the haemorrhoids section 956 00:42:13,851 --> 00:42:15,211 of the show, anyway. 957 00:42:15,211 --> 00:42:19,001 Yes, absolutely. So, let's have a look at the scores. 958 00:42:19,001 --> 00:42:24,571 And in first place, with -1 point, it's Gyles. 959 00:42:24,571 --> 00:42:27,677 CHEERI NG AND APPLAUSE 960 00:42:30,281 --> 00:42:33,051 In second place, with -5, Alan. 961 00:42:33,051 --> 00:42:35,645 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 962 00:42:38,642 --> 00:42:40,591 And in third place, with -8, Victoria. 963 00:42:40,591 --> 00:42:43,378 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 964 00:42:46,231 --> 00:42:47,851 -21... 965 00:42:47,851 --> 00:42:49,491 Jimmy! 966 00:42:49,491 --> 00:42:51,937 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 967 00:42:58,851 --> 00:43:01,991 So, it's thanks to Victoria, Jimmy, Gyles and Alan, 968 00:43:01,991 --> 00:43:04,131 and I'll leave you with this - in the 1950s, 969 00:43:04,131 --> 00:43:07,411 the American philosophy professor Sidney Morgenbesser 970 00:43:07,411 --> 00:43:11,361 went to a lecture by the English linguistics expert JL Austin, 971 00:43:11,361 --> 00:43:14,571 who claimed that, while some languages use double negatives 972 00:43:14,571 --> 00:43:15,811 to make a positive, 973 00:43:15,811 --> 00:43:19,281 no language uses a double positive to make a negative. 974 00:43:19,281 --> 00:43:20,671 And from the back of the room 975 00:43:20,671 --> 00:43:24,778 came Morgenbesser's distinctive New York drawl, "Yeah, yeah". 976 00:43:26,001 --> 00:43:27,207 Goodnight.