1 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,960 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,760 Good evening! Happy Christmas! Joyeux Noel, 3 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,560 and welcome to QI. 4 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,680 The turkey is in the oven, this Queen's speech is on YuleTube 5 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,720 and it's time to see what's under the tree. 6 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,200 You'll never guess who - Josh Widdicombe. 7 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,200 A...bit of a know-all - Susan Calman. 9 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,680 X marks the spot - Matt Lucas. 11 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:04,760 Hello! It's me! It's actually me! 12 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:08,080 And a Christmas cracker - Alan Davies. 13 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,040 - Hello. - WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,080 Right, let's hear their festive buzzers. Josh goes... 15 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,480 # Dashing through the snow... # 16 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,840 - Susan goes... - # In a one-horse open sleigh... # 17 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,640 LAUGHTER Matt goes... 18 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,400 # O'er the fields we go... # 19 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,720 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,560 - CHILD'S VOICE: - Are we nearly there yet? 21 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,640 LAUGHTER 22 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:36,080 So, God aften, velkomst to QI, or Glaedelig Jul. 23 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,880 Yes indeed, this year we have gone all Danish. 24 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,760 The panel are dressed as nisse, 25 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,120 which is the traditional Danish Christmas elf, and I have to say, 26 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,440 this is a very Danish thing, 27 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,960 we have a little competition on Christmas Eve... 28 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,960 - Ooh. - ..to see who can find the whole almond. 29 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,880 LAUGHTER 30 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:54,480 It's not fun when you actually play it, 31 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:58,320 but the winner gets a marzipan pig. There we are. 32 00:01:58,320 --> 00:01:59,760 Isn't that fantastic? LAUGHTER 33 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,200 Oh, yes, please. 34 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,440 Can I ask, where am I going to have to search for the full almond? 35 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,520 Don't you worry about the almond, but the prize today, 36 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,760 - the marzipan pig, is rather fine. - It is. 37 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,120 So, we shall be doing that and goodness knows what else besides. 38 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,520 Now, a recent survey asked the British public 39 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:19,040 what Christmas tradition should be preserved. 40 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,920 Number three, paper decorations. 41 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:25,960 Number two, carols, but number one was parlour games. 42 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:30,520 - Oh, no. - Right? Yes, so, let's try a parlour game to get us started. 43 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,360 One Victorian parlour game was called taboo. 44 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,000 You were asked a question and had to answer without using 45 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,360 a taboo letter of the alphabet. 46 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,920 Our taboo letter tonight is obviously N, 47 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,160 so please answer the following questions 48 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,600 without using the letter N. 49 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:49,160 Matt, name a tasty yellow fruit 50 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,680 grown mostly in the Caribbean and Central America. 51 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:56,760 In the Philippines its name has been corrupted to bayabus. 52 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,920 Is it, um, a ba-a-a? 53 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,080 LAUGHTER 54 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,640 I'm trying to think what's nice and yellow. Crisps. 55 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,560 - I'm going for crisps. - LAUGHTER 56 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:10,560 - Yes, as a tasty yellow fruit. - Yes. - So, no, the answer is guava... 57 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,520 - Ah. - ..is the answer we were... - Oh, there is an answer? 58 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,080 There is an answer! LAUGHTER 59 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,280 I've been playing this game wrong for years. 60 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,960 - It isn't banana at all. The answer is guava... - Guava. 61 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,840 ..is the fruit that we were looking for. 62 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,880 In the Philippines, it has been corrupted to bayabus. 63 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,400 - Do you know what the Filipinos call bananas? - No. 64 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,960 LAUGHTER 65 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,680 - They call them bananas. I could've got you with that one... - Yeah. 66 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,840 - ..had you fallen for it. - So, Sandi, even in counter... - Yes. 67 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,160 - ..in cross-examination... - Yes. - ..the rules of the game still apply. 68 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,280 - No, just the answer, just the answer. - Just the answer. 69 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:46,360 But a supplementary counts as well, cos you said you could've got... 70 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,360 It will do with you. Here's your question... 71 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:49,920 LAUGHTER 72 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,560 - Susa Calma. - LAUGHTER 73 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:56,440 Susan, what do you call a woman who looked after Victorian children 74 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,600 whose mothers were social equals 75 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,160 but couldn't be arsed to do the job themselves? 76 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,600 Well, I would call them the help. 77 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,240 LAUGHTER 78 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,880 Which is nice, but not the correct term. 79 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,840 Well, then I would call them... 80 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,560 SUSAN GIGGLES 81 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:17,520 You've got such a gaze, Sandi! It's like the eye of Sauron. 82 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,000 LAUGHTER 83 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,040 Sorry, but Sauron's got an N in it. 84 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,800 Oh, come on! 85 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,880 I would've said the nanny, or a governess... 86 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,560 - Oh... - Yes. - ALARM RINGS 87 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,720 - I was essentially cajoled into that. - You were. 88 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,240 So, not nanny, obviously, 89 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,400 because how many Ns have you got there, Susan? 90 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,960 - At least two. - At least two. 91 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,560 Also, not social equal, a nanny. 92 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:41,640 It's au pair. 93 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,320 - JOSH: - Oh, no... - Au pair. 94 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,960 Oh, Josh! Don't start with your, 95 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,800 "Oh, it was on the tip of my tongue there"! 96 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,080 - It's been around since the 1840s... - Has it? 97 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,640 Well, it literally means social equal, au pair. 98 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:54,680 - Does it? - Yes. 99 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,280 "Have you met our social equal? She's really, really fit." 100 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,920 LAUGHTER 101 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,800 "He's only run off with the social equal!" 102 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,240 LAUGHTER 103 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,280 So, nobody doing very well, 104 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,400 but I'm relying on Josh to get this one right. 105 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,240 - Watch and learn. - OK, here we go... 106 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,560 SUSAN LAUGHS 107 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,200 ..what do you call a Roman Catholic religious woman 108 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:23,200 who has taken simple vows of poverty, chastity and obedience? 109 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,800 Is it the au pair? 110 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,280 LAUGHTER 111 00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:29,840 No, it's guava. 112 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,320 LAUGHTER 113 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,680 Oh, it's difficult, isn't it, now? Yeah. 114 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,680 Yeah, not so quick with the answers now, are we? 115 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,080 Tracy? 116 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,520 LAUGHTER 117 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,720 - Um, oh, go on, then. Nun. - Nun... 118 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,320 - KLAXON - Yeah. - No. 119 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:52,160 - No. - So, here's the thing, the answer is a sister. 120 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:57,640 So a nun has taken solemn vows, but a sister has taken simple vows. 121 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,560 It's a technical difference to do with the repudiation of property. 122 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,320 So a nun's SOLEMN vow repudiates property absolutely. 123 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:08,840 A sister's SIMPLE vow allows her to reserve an interest. 124 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,520 LAUGHTER 125 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,360 She's hedging her bets, Josh. Hedging her bets, that one. 126 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,480 - Right, Alan. - Yes. 127 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:19,840 Name any of the digits in the common emergency telephone number. 128 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,920 It's like you can see the brain working. 129 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,320 - Common emergency telephone number... - Yeah. 130 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,480 What is that? 131 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,520 Is that when you call the operator 132 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,200 and you say, "Is that the operator on the line? 133 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,120 "Get off quick - there's a train coming." 134 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,800 Wahey! HE GROANS 135 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,600 LAUGHTER 136 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,080 111. Oh, no, that's got Ns in... 137 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:44,480 KLAXON 138 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,400 - Oh... - So, what's the difference? 139 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,320 - There's an emergency number which is? - 999. - 999. 140 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:53,400 KLAXON 141 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,200 They're great guys, they're great guys. 142 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,680 - LAUGHTER - Brutal. 143 00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:00,520 - But the common emergency telephone number is 112. - Is it? - Yes. 144 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,800 So you can use it on a mobile phone, even if it's locked 145 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,680 - or you haven't got a SIM card... - It has got Ns in, 112. 146 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,960 Well, I asked you to name any of the digits in the common emergency... 147 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:13,000 - Oh, come on! - So you could've said two. - Oh, my word. 148 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,200 INDISTINCT WAILING 149 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,520 Two. 150 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,840 LAUGHTER 151 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:22,200 Well, it's Christmas, so Alan wins that one. There we are! 152 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 153 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:31,600 OK, we can dispense with our nisse hats, I think, for the moment. 154 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,080 We might have some more parlour games a little bit later, 155 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,640 you'll be glad to hear. 156 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,920 Meanwhile, who are Spoon Licker, Doorway Sniffer, 157 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,480 Sausage Swiper and Meat Hook? 158 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:42,960 # ..the snow... # 159 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,760 - Yes, Josh? - Is that how you refer to us four? 160 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,440 LAUGHTER 161 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:55,760 And, if so, name names. 162 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,040 Yes! 163 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,120 If you were to have to describe us, Sandi, 164 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:01,760 which one of us would be the Sausage Swiper? 165 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,160 - LAUGHTER - # We go... # 166 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 167 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,280 I was being so careful, Matt. 168 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,600 Are they reindeer? 169 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,120 No, they're not reindeer, but it is obviously a Christmassy... 170 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,040 - I think I know the answer, kind of. - Yes, go. 171 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,280 I think it's something to do with Iceland and Christmas. 172 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,240 It is something to do with Iceland and Christmas. 173 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,480 Does anybody have any ideas what it might be? Josh, yes? 174 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,480 Is that the food they sell in Iceland at Christmas? 175 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,720 LAUGHTER 176 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,840 I think whoever got Doorway Sniffer hasn't gone... 177 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,920 - Ooh. - Yes? - Is it the nativity people? 178 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,440 Yes, those are all the people who turned up to meet Jesus(!) 179 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,160 LAUGHTER 180 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,000 - I'm not going to lie to you! - Yes. 181 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,520 When I said it, I thought... "I'm right!" 182 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,240 LAUGHTER 183 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,080 And now I've never felt so stupid in my life. 184 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,440 It is what I call a random Scandinavian fact, 185 00:08:58,440 --> 00:08:59,880 it's a Randy Scandy. 186 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:05,760 These are four of the Icelandic 13 Santas. 187 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:09,160 They are called the Yule Lads. There they are, there's a Yule Lad. 188 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,240 And each of them leaves a gift for the children 189 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,680 on successive nights, starting on December the 12th. 190 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,160 And there are some fantastic names, there's also Pot Scraper, 191 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:19,280 and Bowl Licker, Sheep Cot Clod... 192 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,920 Window Peeper, I worry about... LAUGHTER 193 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,400 It's more of a gift for him, really, I think. 194 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,520 In Scandinavia, we have this as the symbol. 195 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:31,680 We call it julebuk, the jule goat. 196 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,360 There's a Swedish town called Gavle, 197 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,560 and since 1966, they have built 198 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:41,040 a 42-foot-high jule goat of straw every year. 199 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:45,400 In that time, it's been kicked to pieces, it's had its legs removed, 200 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:49,520 it's been hit by a car, it's been damaged by fireworks. 201 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,880 In 1968, one couple climbed up inside and had sex inside it. 202 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,240 LAUGHTER 203 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,200 In 2010, somebody tried to steal it with a helicopter. 204 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,000 LAUGHTER 205 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,520 Unsuccessfully. 206 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:05,120 It's been destroyed by arson 34 times. 207 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,680 Once by firing flaming arrows at it. 208 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,400 That's the Christmas spirit, I think. 209 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,720 Anybody know what Santa does in the summer? 210 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,200 Ibiza. 211 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,640 - LAUGHTER - He gets bang on it. 212 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:23,840 He does. He rides one of those big giant bananas in the sea. 213 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,240 They're called guavas. 214 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,320 LAUGHTER 215 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,680 Any ideas? What does Santa do in the summer? 216 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:34,160 - I've read Raymond Briggs' Santa Goes On Holiday. - Right. 217 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,400 But I don't think that was factual. 218 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,960 - Do you not? - No. - How strange. 219 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,040 In conclusion, no, I don't know. 220 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,000 LAUGHTER 221 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,320 That's the finish to all your GCSEs. 222 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,400 "In conclusion, I have no idea." 223 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,000 It happens in the very best country in the world. 224 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,200 - Denmark, of course. - Denmark, obviously. 225 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,800 - He goes to the World Santa Claus Congress. - Ah! 226 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,240 It happens in July every year in Denmark, 227 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,880 in an amusement park called Bakken. 228 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:05,520 Julemandskongres. It takes three days. 229 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,480 I have no idea what they do. 230 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,440 Ho ho ho ho. Ho-ho ho. 231 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,280 Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. 232 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,000 Ho ho ho! 233 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,440 Bloody kids. 234 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,640 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 235 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,160 The only real rule is that 236 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,520 the participants are not allowed to smoke or drink whilst in uniform. 237 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,920 There's one bloke there 238 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,560 who's just a bloke who's got a beard and someone's put a hat on him. 239 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,080 "I'm not in this! I don't want to be in this!" 240 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,880 What's with the archbishop, trying to bring religion into Christmas! 241 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,320 - They get everywhere, don't they? - Yeah! 242 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,040 You don't suppose that's St Nicholas, do you? 243 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:50,040 My...goat. Put my goat away. Not something you say every day. 244 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,880 What's the worst thing about Christmas lights? 245 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,320 - Oh, they get terribly tangled up, don't they? - They do. 246 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,720 The worst thing I've encountered about Christmas lights 247 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,920 is they get in the way of the remote control. 248 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,840 They do, they do interfere with your Wi-Fi. 249 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:02,880 - JOSH: - Do they? - Yes. 250 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,680 The microwaves which come from your Wi-Fi router are quite weak 251 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,760 and they can get blocked by stronger signals, 252 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,520 and indeed the Christmas lights would be a stronger signal. 253 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,240 The man across the road from me changes my channel on my television. 254 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,920 You must ask him not to sit next to you. 255 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,400 - LAUGHTER - No! 256 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,840 He sits across the road and he changes my channel. 257 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,440 - SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "You're not watching that shite." 258 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,160 And he goes, click! 259 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,720 "Highland games for you." 260 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,240 LAUGHTER 261 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,720 How small is this road that you can see each other so easily? 262 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:39,560 - It's just a flat... - You live in a little model village. 263 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,160 Susan Calman from Toy Town. 264 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,400 "Stop turning me telly over, you bastard!" 265 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,360 You forgot to open the little curtains. 266 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 267 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,800 So, it is the Wi-Fi, but that's not the first thing on the list. 268 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,360 It's environmental cost, is the real thing. 269 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,080 It's incredible. So the US Energy Department, 270 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,960 they did a study in 2008, and over the whole of the United States 271 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:20,680 a staggering 6.63 billion kilowatt hours of electricity use, 272 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:26,440 so that is twice as much electricity as Cambodia uses in a year. 273 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,280 - Just for the Christmas lights. - It's very dark there, though, isn't it? 274 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,320 Cambodia? LAUGHTER 275 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,040 Well, it's also more than the annual use in lots of countries - 276 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,160 - Ethiopia, El Salvador, Tanzania... - I don't like, really... 277 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,640 - Don't like what? - They go a bit overboard, don't they? 278 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,880 Oh, when they do the whole house it makes me crazy. 279 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,480 - What I don't mind is a moving reindeer. - Yes. 280 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:45,960 LAUGHTER 281 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,560 - I don't mind that. - So you work on that impression all year 282 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,120 - and then you bring it out at Christmas. - What's this? What's this? 283 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:55,840 LAUGHTER 284 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,880 Moving reindeer! Every year. 285 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,840 Christmas lights are also responsible 286 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,520 for a great many injuries, so... 287 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,520 - Tripping up, burning... - Oh, my goodness. Yes. 288 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,160 I mean, he's gone the wrong side up a ladder. 289 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,840 LAUGHTER 290 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,520 He's only got himself to blame. This is nothing to do with the lights. 291 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,760 He's looked at the manual and just got it the wrong way round. 292 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,200 LAUGHTER 293 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,320 - "This ladder is shit!" - LAUGHTER 294 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,000 Look what's in the front of frame - it's a guava. Look. 295 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,400 LAUGHTER 296 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,880 I like that ladder impersonation. 297 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,880 That could double as a reindeer doing backstroke. 298 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,520 That's very good. 299 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,640 I can't wait till next year on BBC Two. 300 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,240 Alan Davies' Christmas Impersonations. 301 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,040 LAUGHTER 302 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,440 So, lots of people injured putting up Christmas lights. 303 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:47,560 - The average victim is a 55-year-old man. - Well. 304 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,640 Is he the one that lives across from Susan? 305 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,560 LAUGHTER 306 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,840 And now for a bit of a Danish Christmas parlour game. 307 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,400 Or rather we're going to turn it into a parlour game. 308 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,960 So, there is a Danish tradition... We celebrate Christmas Eve, 309 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,840 and then we all hold hands and we sing standing around the tree. 310 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,440 So we're going to give this a go, 311 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,440 but we're going to do it in a very QI manner, and in order to help us, 312 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,840 please welcome, from Festival Of The Spoken Nerd, Helen and Steve. 313 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,800 APPLAUSE 314 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,800 OK. 315 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,000 So, the really important thing, Helen, 316 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,240 is that we have to hold hands and sing. OK, are you happy with this? 317 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,240 - All right. - This experiment works best if you hold hands and sing. - OK. 318 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,840 But we're going to start off telling you what we've got. 319 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,280 - Over here I've got an amplifier. - Right. 320 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,720 Going into that is some traditional Danish Christmas music. 321 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,000 Thank you very much. 322 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,680 - Over there, another amplifier. Coming out of that is a speaker. - OK. 323 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,840 And normally you'd use a speaker cable to connect the two. 324 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,400 - I've taken that speaker cable and I've cut it in half. - Half? 325 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:52,680 - Is that exposed wiring, Helen? - Yeah. But we've made it safe. 326 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,080 - I would say don't try this at home. - OK. 327 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,160 What I need to do is I need to give you that bare wire... 328 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,520 - It really is perfectly OK? All right. - Yes, absolutely fine. 329 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,480 We have measured the current going through this, 330 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,600 it's either so low that our meter can't read it, 331 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,240 - or our meter's broken. - LAUGHTER 332 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,040 So can I get you to hold that bare wire? So you've got bare wires... 333 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,600 I love you, Mum. 334 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,400 LAUGHTER 335 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,240 I just need you to touch the bare wires... 336 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,640 It's seriously OK to do this? 337 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,480 Absolutely. Just touch them together. 338 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,280 GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC 339 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,840 Ah, that's lovely. That's a song we sing when we go round the tree. 340 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,160 Um... 341 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:26,320 OK. And if I let go? 342 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,080 Everyone else's whelm is very much under. 343 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,200 LAUGHTER Yes, cos so far 344 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,640 all I've done is connect up the speaker wire. 345 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:37,000 What I can do is - Steve, if you could give that to Josh 346 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,160 - and I will take this round to Matt. - OK. 347 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:43,880 Now, Matt, if you could take out your hand and grasp... 348 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,200 Don't, Josh! 349 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,120 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 350 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,280 No! OK. 351 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,920 - OK? - No! No, it's fine. 352 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,920 Ah! No, it's fine. 353 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,400 LAUGHTER 354 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,440 This is where you get to hold hands. 355 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,600 Let's find out if it works. So, if you can link up. 356 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,920 I've got huge issues with human contact. 357 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,240 So, Matt, you hold Susan's hand. 358 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,160 My hair's already fallen out, but for you guys, who knows? 359 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,800 - It's the spirit of Christmas... - STATIC NOISE 360 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,080 GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC 361 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,560 APPLAUSE 362 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,960 Susan was looking very sceptical. 363 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,000 MUSIC RESUMES 364 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,320 APPLAUSE 365 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,720 Have you got any "Wham!"? 366 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,080 LAUGHTER Why does it work? 367 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:43,000 Humans are about 70% water, and that means your skin's about 70% water, 368 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,440 but water's not a very good conductor of electricity, 369 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,720 but salty water is, so the sweatier you are... 370 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,960 the better this works. 371 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,480 That was absolutely fantastic. 372 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,520 The Festival Of The Spoken Nerd! 373 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 374 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,280 Scary, that was actually quite scary. 375 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,200 I'm telling my mum that you made me do that. 376 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,560 LAUGHTER 377 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:10,680 Right, here is another piece of Christmas music 378 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,920 that you may be more familiar with. 379 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:17,160 GARBLED PIANO VERSION OF ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS 380 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:26,400 OK. Quick question for the audience. 381 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:30,480 Hands up, audience, how many of you could hear the words to that tune? 382 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:31,720 - JOSH: - You liars. 383 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,320 Quite a few! Quite a few could hear the words. 384 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,040 - Could anybody on the panel hear the words? - I could hear, yeah, yeah. 385 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,680 So, here's the thing - the music being played is a MIDI file, 386 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,000 so it consists only of musical notes. 387 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,800 There are no human voices at all, 388 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,640 and people who haven't heard the song before will hear it that way, 389 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,360 they'll hear it just as a series of notes. 390 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:52,920 But anybody who has heard the Mariah Carey vocal version 391 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,920 will tend to hear her voice mixed in with the track 392 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,560 - even though it isn't actually really there. - Oh, wow. 393 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,240 It's extraordinary. It's something called top-down processing. 394 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,920 So what happens is the brain uses information that it already has 395 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,080 to try and interpret the world, and there is a template in your head, 396 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,120 in the heads of those people who put their hands up, 397 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,960 for that particular song, and the brain matched it to the new sounds, 398 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,760 filling in the non-existent vocals. 399 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,600 Same principle as ghosts. 400 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:17,680 Is that right? 401 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,880 LAUGHTER We think we see somebody? 402 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,960 Yeah, you think, "Oh, there's something there. 403 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,920 "Ugh... Oh, it's a person." 404 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,400 - It's not. - It's not just a light. 405 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,840 It's usually a dressing gown on the back of the door. 406 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,600 Now, what's this Christmassy noise? 407 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,400 INDISTINCT SPLUTTERING SOUND 408 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:38,960 # We go... # 409 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,320 - Matt? - That is after the Christmas meal when you've fallen asleep... 410 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,800 LAUGHTER 411 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,880 That's Grandpa farting, isn't it? Let's be honest. 412 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,760 KLAXON AND LAUGHTER 413 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,800 APPLAUSE 414 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,080 Thank you. 415 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,400 - It isn't that. - That's the sound of Santa Clause 416 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,320 in a particularly tight chimney. 417 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,800 LAUGHTER That would be bad, wouldn't it? 418 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,720 - It's a pony. - JOSH: - Is it a reindeer? 419 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,080 - It's a pony or a reindeer. - You think it's a reindeer? 420 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,400 - It is a creature. - It's the death throes of a turkey. 421 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,680 LAUGHTER 422 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,440 You are the closest, you are the closest at the moment. It is a bird, 423 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,080 - but it's a bird that might appear... - A robin? - ..in a song? 424 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,720 - 12 Days Of... - Partridge. 425 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,040 It is a partridge. It is, absolutely. 426 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,920 It is the sound... 427 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,680 - So, I... - Rrrr! 428 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,920 - Do you want to hear it one more time? - Yes. - Oh, yes. 429 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,080 SPLUTTERING SOUND 430 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,920 - That is the sound of a partridge... - Farting. - ..taking off. 431 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,520 - Oh, taking off? Oh! - Yeah. 432 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,000 So here is the extraordinary thing - 433 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,280 it comes from the Greek word... ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY 434 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,000 LAUGHTER 435 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,480 That's how they get themselves going. 436 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,040 - Go... - ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY 437 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,760 LAUGHTER 438 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,720 So here's the weird thing, Alan, it comes from the Greek, perdesthai, 439 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,960 - which means to break wind. - Shut the front door. 440 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,440 Partridge, the word partridge means to break wind. 441 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,080 And it gets its name from the rapid fluttering noise 442 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,560 it makes when it flies away. 443 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,600 - ALAN BLOWS A SMALL RASPBERRY - Partridge... 444 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,440 LAUGHTER 445 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,880 The origin of the lyrics to 12 Days Of Christmas are lost in time. 446 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,600 The possibility is that we got the French wrong. 447 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,120 It's one of those wonderful mistranslation things. 448 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,520 So, the French for a partridge is une perdrix, 449 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,560 and we mistook it for a pear tree. 450 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,280 We should actually be singing, "A partridge, a partridge." 451 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,600 Did you know that the Scottish 452 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,960 have a different version of The 12 Days Of Christmas? 453 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,240 - What is it? I've never heard this. - Early 19th century. 454 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,440 IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: The King sent his lady... 455 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,200 Don't do the voice - that's racist. 456 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,040 LAUGHTER 457 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,520 IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: The King sent his lady on the first Yule day 458 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,760 a papingo-aye. 459 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,360 - A what? - A papingo-aye. It's a parrot. 460 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,720 - Oh... - Yeah, Scottish for parrot. Wha learns my carol... 461 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,520 Sorry, can I just... A Scottish parrot? Can I just... 462 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,240 LAUGHTER 463 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,640 I've lived there a long time, and I'm sounding more Scottish, 464 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:50,920 and there's nae parrots... 465 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,600 LAUGHTER 466 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,200 Haud the bus! There's a parrot over there. 467 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,560 You can get them in a pet shop. They look a bit like pigeons. 468 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,200 Papingo-aye. 469 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,840 Let's see what else they had. 470 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,720 Wha learns my carol and carries it away? 471 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,640 And you also get an Arabian baboon. 472 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,240 Three hinds a-merry hunting. 473 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,960 And three stalks o' merry corn. 474 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,960 - It's quite merry all the way through. - Right. 475 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,280 I have...NEVER heard of that. 476 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:19,200 A goose that was grey, three starlings, three goldspinks, 477 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,200 a bull that was brown. 478 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,160 - It's like that conveyor-belt round on The Generation Game. - It is. 479 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:25,880 LAUGHTER 480 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,800 The Faroe Islands also have their own version, 481 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,360 and pretty much you get one feather and 14 rounds of cheese. 482 00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:33,080 LAUGHTER That's pretty much it. 483 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,600 - Who likes sprouts? - I like sprouts. - Do you? - Yeah, they're lovely. 484 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,040 Well, I feel like something happened with sprouts, didn't it? 485 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,440 Like, a few years ago, people start pan-frying them now 486 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,440 and putting sort of walnuts and... 487 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,200 Nicely caramelised with loads of butter on them. 488 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:50,240 Put some walnuts, some maple syrup, some ice cream. 489 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,320 - LAUGHTER - Some... 490 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,160 Anything to avoid the taste... 491 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,800 - LAUGHTER - Kit Kat. Some After Eights. 492 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,160 Yeah! 493 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:02,120 - Some Matchmakers. - Stuck in them like that. 494 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,360 - They're lovely for breakfast, sprouts. - Ugh! 495 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,720 - JOSH: - What?! - Sprouts and eggs for breakfast. 496 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,680 No. You've ruined my Christmas. 497 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,440 You have gone too far! 498 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,760 - What is wrong with you people?! - You've ruined it. 499 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,640 You're willing to believe we've got parrots, 500 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,440 but, oh, sprouts and eggs! 501 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,600 Sprouts floating in Irn-Bru. 502 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,600 LAUGHTER 503 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,960 - Anybody remember the great sprout drought? 2010. - No! 504 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:32,360 There was bad weather, and they went to £9.55 per kilo. 505 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:35,520 Only 31p per kilo cheaper than turkey! 506 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:38,080 - So you had to choose... - Is a kilo a lot? 507 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,120 Cos I did my home shopping the other day 508 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,920 and I ordered one mushroom by mistake. 509 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:44,280 LAUGHTER 510 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:49,080 I felt so bad because it arrived in a separate bag. 511 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:54,040 You can just imagine the guy going up the aisle, going... 512 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,160 LAUGHTER 513 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,160 Did you write how many grams...? 514 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:05,440 I thought it was a packet, so I just put... I just put one. 515 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:06,920 Did you eat the mushroom? 516 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,680 I mean, when it came to, like, making dinner, 517 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,600 did you go, well, I'll put the mushroom in... 518 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,480 Tell you what it's good with - sprouts and eggs. 519 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:18,920 I ate the mushroom quickly because, in the same shopping, 520 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,680 I thought I'd ordered four onions, 521 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,200 and I ordered four sacks of onions. 522 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,360 LAUGHTER 523 00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:30,320 - And I had to get rid of the onions... - So what did you do? 524 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,080 ..before my wife came home. 525 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:37,640 So I went down the close in my flat, offering people bags of onions. 526 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,840 And pretended it was a Scottish tradition. 527 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,040 "Oh, it's Onion Day!" 528 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:45,960 - Did you tell your wife? - No. 529 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,720 But does she watch this show? 530 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,040 Ahh... 531 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:51,160 LAUGHTER 532 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,720 You can change the channel and say, 533 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,160 "That'll be the guy over the road, he's always..." 534 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 535 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:06,000 Time for another parlour game! Are you there, Moriarty? 536 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,840 Who knows how to play this? 537 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,160 - You're blindfolded, I'm guessing. - Yes, you are. 538 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,360 You're blindfolded and you're as tall as a newspaper. 539 00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:18,200 This is a British one which I frankly don't understand. OK. 540 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:23,000 So, you are blindfolded, you hold each other's left hands, 541 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,120 one of you shouts out, "Are you there, Moriarty?" 542 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:26,760 The other one shouts, "Yes!" 543 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,720 And the one who said, "Are you there, Moriarty?" 544 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,520 then tries to hit them with the newspaper. 545 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,960 - I'll be the shouter. - OK. You take turns, you take turns. 546 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,240 Oh, all right, OK. 547 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,560 I mean, obviously I'm going to have to hit the target, 548 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,160 but I'm not sure how comfortable I am 549 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,000 hitting a woman on national television. 550 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,640 It's Susan, you'll be all right. 551 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,000 LAUGHTER 552 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,560 Right... 553 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,600 Just think about the man over the road! 554 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,840 - Think about the man over the road! - Oh, thanks(!) 555 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:55,320 - Left hands held. - Give me your hand. - Left hand. - Left hands held. 556 00:25:55,320 --> 00:26:00,400 - OK, so, Matt... - Yes? - You're going to say, "Are you there, Moriarty?" 557 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,200 and, Susan, you're going to say, "Yes," 558 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,320 - and then, Matt, you're going to try and hit her. - OK. - OK, go. 559 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,120 Are you there, Moriarty? 560 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:08,520 Yes! 561 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:09,960 LAUGHTER 562 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,240 - Do I try again? - You try again, that's it. 563 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,960 Sorry... Go on, Susan. 564 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,240 - Uh...are...? Are you there, Moriarty? - No, I'm not. No. 565 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,600 LAUGHTER 566 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:24,920 No, I've left! Ow! Ow! 567 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,120 - Do you know what? - Yeah? 568 00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,360 I'd love the idea that someone has turned on this 569 00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:29,840 for the first time and gone... 570 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,400 LAUGHTER 571 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,440 "It's really changed without Stephen, hasn't it?" 572 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:36,920 LAUGHTER 573 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,600 Uncle Stephen would never have allowed this. 574 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,640 - SUSAN: - Ow! 575 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,520 I know you're there! 576 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,480 Ow! Ow! 577 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:50,120 This is good, this is good. I've found her, so I don't need to... 578 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,080 Right, you two, come on, let's have a go. 579 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,920 So, put your blindfold on. 580 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,800 I've got quite a big head, so I'm not sure it's going to fit round. 581 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,360 Oh, there we go. 582 00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:01,520 - Do we stand up? - So... No... - Ow! - LAUGHTER 583 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,200 I think Alan's won. 584 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:06,200 So now hold left hands. 585 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:08,240 I'm not going near him, he's an animal! 586 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,120 - Hold left hands. OK. - Got you. 587 00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:14,680 - So, Josh shouts, "Are you there, Moriarty?" - Are you there, Moriarty? 588 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,000 Ow. 589 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,480 Ow! 590 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,800 - No. Alan... - What? - So, you have to say... - How am I doing? 591 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,440 - LAUGHTER SUSAN: - You missed! 592 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:24,760 Let me just say it again. 593 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,920 Josh is going to shout, "Are you there, Moriarty?" 594 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,960 Alan's going to shout, "Yes", to indicate his location, 595 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,640 and then he's going to try and escape Josh hitting him. 596 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,320 OK? Right, Josh. 597 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,200 - Er, are you there, Moriarty? - Yes. - Now, try and escape. 598 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,160 LAUGHTER 599 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,440 - Just one hit! - Ow! 600 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,560 LAUGHTER 601 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,360 I don't want to... Ow! 602 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:52,720 Ow! 603 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,280 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 604 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:58,880 No! 605 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:04,480 APPLAUSE 606 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,600 Josh, you were rubbish at that game. You were rubbish. 607 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:16,360 I don't want to turn this into a Carry On film, 608 00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:18,160 but mine wasn't as rigid as Alan's. 609 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,560 LAUGHTER 610 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:22,480 I'm not sure that was the problem... 611 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:25,680 I think the... The overall winner of that is Alan. 612 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:27,960 APPLAUSE 613 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:30,040 This is great. Are you all right? 614 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:36,960 Now, how did the British ruin Christmas for everybody? 615 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,200 Did they invent a game in which I get beaten up with a newspaper? 616 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:43,840 LAUGHTER It is to do with a deplorable custom 617 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,360 that the British invented around Christmas. 618 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:47,600 - Crackers. - Secret Santa. 619 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,040 Sort of in the gift area. 620 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,520 Where you have to give presents to people even if you hate them, 621 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:54,120 like your nieces and nephews. 622 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:55,680 No, sorry... 623 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,960 - Giving presents on the day? - It's a gift, but not for you family. 624 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:00,680 Charity! Charity! 625 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:02,240 - JOSH: - Milkman! Postman! 626 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,360 Milkman and postman is exactly right. 627 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:08,480 It's the deplorable custom of giving tips to tradesmen at Christmas. 628 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,440 It used to be called the Christmas pot. 629 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,000 I forgot that this has become very right-wing. 630 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,400 LAUGHTER 631 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,480 No, it was the Americans who complained. 632 00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:20,520 So, in the 1860s, they complained that it was turning America 633 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:22,800 - into the land of the fee. - Well, that's ironic! 634 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:25,760 You go to America, you have to pay them to accept your tip. 635 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,800 I mean, all they want is to be tipped. 636 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,000 You have to tip them for bloody everything. 637 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,040 - It was thought to be deplorable in the 1860s. - They've got over that. 638 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,840 It was called loathsome and corrupt form of roguery. 639 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:40,920 In the 1890s, Christmas was described as the worst time of year 640 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:43,080 because of excessive tipping. 641 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:44,840 You were expected to tip everybody. 642 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:48,680 The butcher's boy, the librarian, the turncock. 643 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:52,200 - Was the person who turned on the water mains for you. - Of course. 644 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,480 In Denmark, we're much more honest about tipping. 645 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:58,280 It's called drinking money. Drikkepenge. 646 00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,440 It's the same in French, I think. It's pourboire. 647 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:03,040 You know what the tip is for. It's for somebody to have a drink. 648 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:05,520 And the Germans too, I think. Trinkgeld. 649 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:07,760 The British ruined Christmas for everybody 650 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:09,800 because of their legendary generosity. 651 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:11,640 LAUGHTER 652 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:15,360 What does a Siberian getaway car look like? 653 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:17,400 - Some sort of a sled-y thing? - JOSH: - Is it huskies? 654 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,280 - It is a sled thing. It's not huskies. Reindeer? - Cats! 655 00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,400 - It is reindeer. JOSH: - "Cats"! 656 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:23,960 I wish it'd been cats! 657 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,480 Forget the last thing I said! Reindeer! 658 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,040 You were calling us cats, weren't you? 659 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,560 - Reindeer cats. - Yeah! - It's reindeer cats! 660 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,000 Thanks, Josh. 661 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,720 Apparently, the local indigenous population 662 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:38,960 are very, very skilled at reindeer driving, 663 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:42,680 and reindeer sleighs are faster over snow than police snowmobiles. 664 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:46,360 In fact, in 2014, the Moscow Times reported there were plans afoot 665 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,320 for a police reindeer division... 666 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:49,920 to tackle this specific... 667 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:52,280 I bet they look lovely in their wee hats. 668 00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:54,080 - Oh, yes, and blue lights. - Yeah. 669 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:56,360 Blue lights on the reindeer, that would be very... 670 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,360 - JOSH: - Or just the nose, going like that. 671 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,760 LAUGHTER 672 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:05,160 OK, let's look at the nose. Why was Rudolph's nose useful? 673 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,360 Well, Rudolph, with your nose so bright, 674 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:09,040 won't you guide my sleigh tonight? 675 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:10,560 It's a lie, Susan. 676 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:14,240 No, the fact is that there would've been no need for the red nose, 677 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,320 cos reindeer can see perfectly well in low light. 678 00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,640 They change the colour of what's known as their tapetum lucidum. 679 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:24,120 It's a layer of tissue behind the retina that reflects light. 680 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,200 So in long, bright summer light it is gold, 681 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:28,040 and then, in the winter, it turns blue, 682 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:31,200 and the colour change means that less light escapes from their eyes 683 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,160 and it gives them a kind of night-vision. 684 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,480 So there would've been no need for the nose to light the way. 685 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,720 I had a chance encounter with a reindeer once. 686 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,440 In the Arctic, and here's the thing that is extraordinary about them - 687 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,040 they've got hairy noses. 688 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,800 - They don't have shiny, moist noses. - Aw! 689 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:48,120 They've got these really delightful hairy noses. 690 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:49,680 They're also unique amongst deer 691 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:53,960 in that they are actually attracted to the smell of human urine. 692 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,280 Uh, I guess if you wanted to lure a reindeer to you, 693 00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:58,440 that would be the way. 694 00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,160 Let's do it now! Let's do it now! 695 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:03,400 Someone pee there and we'll see if one comes. 696 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:05,200 It's Christmas! 697 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:09,240 - We've got two female cats. - Yeah. 698 00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:11,800 We've got a male cat that keeps coming into our garden 699 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:13,120 and we don't want him there. 700 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,240 - I've been told that I'm meant to mark... - Shoot him. 701 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:16,920 ..my own territory. "Shoot him"! 702 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,240 So, I'm meant to piss in the garden myself. 703 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:21,840 - It's not going to make any difference if you... - Is it not? - No. 704 00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:23,880 Well, that's two months wasted, isn't it? 705 00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:25,560 LAUGHTER 706 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:27,680 So you've got a reindeer problem now, then? 707 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:29,800 LAUGHTER 708 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,640 I don't understand. People buy a cat 709 00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:35,840 and then they keep it in my garden - what is that about? 710 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,480 Right, that's the turkey dinner out of the way, 711 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,200 let's fall asleep in the comfy armchair of General Ignorance. 712 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:43,600 Fingers on buzzers, please. 713 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:46,560 You are standing in the middle of the Antarctic, 714 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,000 and your toes are frozen. 715 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,120 How far do you have to travel to reach a place 716 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:52,640 where it's literally too hot to stand? 717 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:54,760 - # ..sleigh... # - Susan. 718 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:58,120 - A mile? - Uh... - I'm just guessing. - OK. Which way? - Down! 719 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:00,600 - You're just guessing?! - Straight down! 720 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:02,680 - Yes, Alan. - If you go down, it's hot. 721 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:04,880 You're exactly right. 722 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:08,040 No, I was about to answer that question. 723 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:11,000 In fairness, she was about to give a different answer. 724 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:13,480 LAUGHTER 725 00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:14,840 He was too quick for you. 726 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:17,280 You'd only have to go a couple of kilometres downwards. 727 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,080 Underground temperature in Antarctica 728 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,440 pretty much the hottest in the world. 729 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:24,080 Hotter than 99% of the rest of the planet. 730 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:28,960 - Are these people emerging? - Yes, they've come up from China. 731 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:31,720 It's not a very relaxing bath 732 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:34,880 if everyone's standing around in anoraks taking photos of you. 733 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:37,360 They're all queueing for the facilities. 734 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:39,000 They're all doggers, aren't they? 735 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,920 That woman did not look out if... 736 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:45,360 LAUGHTER 737 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,360 It's been calculated that the temperature under the ice 738 00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:52,280 rises by approximately 200 degrees Celsius per kilometre, 739 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:56,320 so several times the global average on continents. Unbelievably hot. 740 00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,160 So, down is the correct answer. 741 00:33:58,160 --> 00:33:59,840 From feet to hands. 742 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:02,280 - Now, Josh, last year... - Yes. 743 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:05,960 - ..you told us all about the hairy hands of Dartmoor. - Yes. 744 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:07,000 Is that right? 745 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,960 They grab the steering wheel of your car and drive you off the road. 746 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:12,480 I wonder if you could just remind us which road you said it was. 747 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:15,320 Er, the B3021? 748 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:16,800 Yes. 749 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:18,280 KLAXON AND LAUGHTER 750 00:34:21,240 --> 00:34:22,640 This is, I can promise you, 751 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,080 one of the finest quibbles that QI has ever received. 752 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:28,160 There is a gentleman called Ian Dunn who has written in 753 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,760 to point out that the hairy hands of Dartmoor 754 00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:34,840 actually haunt the B3212 and not the B3021. 755 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:36,480 LAUGHTER 756 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:37,960 You are... 757 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:39,720 APPLAUSE 758 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,960 I'm afraid you're having points docked this time. 759 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:48,520 - What? Posthumously? - Yes. It couldn't be more wrong, 760 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,960 the B3212 runs across Dartmoor between Exeter and Yeovilton 761 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:54,840 via the hamlet of Postbridge, that's where the hairy hands hang out. 762 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,200 - Of course, yeah. - The B3021, I'm afraid, 763 00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:59,840 goes from Old Windsor to Datchet in Berkshire. 764 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,960 Remember that next time you make a joke. 765 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,240 LAUGHTER 766 00:35:03,240 --> 00:35:06,400 Can I just say that he watched me talk about these ghost hands 767 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,760 that appear and drive you off the road - 768 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,920 - and his quibble was with the number of the road?! - Yes. 769 00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:13,920 "That's incorrect, so I'm just going to... 770 00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:15,560 "Dear QI..." 771 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:18,320 Josh, without precision, there is no comedy. 772 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:21,760 You have to understand that, without saying the right name of a B road, 773 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,240 no-one can laugh at that. 774 00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:27,600 I thought a year ago that didn't get a laugh, and now I know why. 775 00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:31,080 Your road was nowhere near Dartmoor whatsoever. 776 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,560 I love the idea of Ian sat at home now going, 777 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,520 "Oh, I have ruined Josh's Christmas. Lovely." 778 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:39,960 Well, your error has been particularly egregious, I'm afraid. 779 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:42,320 You didn't just let Ian down, or the show down, 780 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,040 you've let yourself down, haven't you? 781 00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:46,040 In many ways, I think I've let Jesus down. 782 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,240 - LAUGHTER - Yes, I know. 783 00:35:48,240 --> 00:35:50,000 And his hairy hands! 784 00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:51,440 LAUGHTER 785 00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:55,440 And now for another of those Christmas traditions 786 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:58,680 that people want to preserve, cutting decorations out of paper. 787 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,120 So you should have some scissors and some paper. 788 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:02,520 And here is my question, 789 00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:04,720 if I want to make a five-pointed star, 790 00:36:04,720 --> 00:36:08,040 how many straight lines would I need to cut? 791 00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:10,840 I tell you what, these would've been a game-changer 792 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:13,160 in Are You There, Moriarty? wouldn't they? 793 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:14,760 LAUGHTER 794 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,520 So how many cuts do we think? It's a five-pointed star. 795 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:20,880 That's two so far, Sandi. 796 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:24,960 - OK. - I'll do a couple more now. There's another one. 797 00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,520 - How are you doing? - Great, Sandi. 798 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:30,160 Got the solution immediately. 799 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:33,160 - Here we go, here we go. - Oh, no! 800 00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:34,920 LAUGHTER 801 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,080 MUTED APPLAUSE 802 00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:42,680 Oh, that's very good. 803 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:46,240 It looks more like a person, a sort of happy person jumping. 804 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,800 What is that? 805 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,600 - What is that, Josh? - I don't know. 806 00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:56,360 It looks like that London 2012 logo, doesn't it? 807 00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:57,840 LAUGHTER 808 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:00,880 So the answer is one. 809 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:03,320 The Fold And Cut Theorem states 810 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:05,920 that any shape composed of straight lines 811 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:07,800 can be made using a single cut, 812 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,080 if you can just figure out which way to fold the paper. 813 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:12,240 So all you need to do - here they are - 814 00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:14,120 is just cut along the red line. 815 00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,360 - Just cut along the red line. - I've done it. - So, one cut... 816 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,200 I've done it. 817 00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:20,520 ALAN CRIES OUT 818 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:24,760 LAUGHTER 819 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,560 Well that's... What is that? 820 00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:28,160 LAUGHTER 821 00:37:32,240 --> 00:37:35,320 They've all done it! What's wrong with you all? 822 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:40,480 - Oh, yeah, no. - We've got the wrong bit! - The wrong bit of paper. 823 00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:44,040 I got the wrong bit as well. 824 00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:46,560 - Who's got it? Who's got the star? - Me. - There we go. 825 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:51,240 From one single cut you can get a five-point star. 826 00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:54,640 And there is a presumably apocryphal story. 827 00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:57,200 Betsy Ross, the woman who is alleged to have made 828 00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:58,840 the very first American flag, 829 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,560 was discussing the design for the flag with George Washington, 830 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:03,560 and he said, "Could you do a six-pointed star?" 831 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:06,320 And she said, "A five-point would be easier", and she showed him 832 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:08,640 by folding a piece of cloth in that manner, 833 00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:12,160 and that is why the modern flag has the five-point star. 834 00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:14,560 There's a problem with this story, if you go to Philadelphia, 835 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:15,840 you can visit Betsy Ross' house, 836 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:17,880 but it's almost certain that she didn't live there 837 00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:20,120 and probably didn't make the flag, but there we are... 838 00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:21,280 LAUGHTER Other than that... 839 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,320 American history in a nutshell. 840 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,000 LAUGHTER 841 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:28,560 Susan, I want you to have my star and also be my girlfriend, please. 842 00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:30,840 Susan, be very careful. 843 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:35,000 He's the man from over the road! 844 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,080 LAUGHTER 845 00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:38,760 Do you know what? 846 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,920 I always used to get quite lonely at Christmas cos I didn't have a date, 847 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,920 and I don't feel lonely this Christmas because I've got you now. 848 00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:47,440 Brilliant. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. 849 00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:48,800 APPLAUSE 850 00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:51,480 There you go. 851 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,560 That's the most uncertain round of applause. 852 00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:56,720 I didn't want it to come to this, but, Alan... 853 00:38:56,720 --> 00:38:58,240 LAUGHTER 854 00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:04,800 APPLAUSE 855 00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:10,400 OK, how would you consume the original Humpty Dumpty? 856 00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,920 - # ..the snow... # - Yes? 857 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:16,200 For breakfast with sprouts. 858 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,040 For breakfast with sprouts. Any more? 859 00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,960 Is it that he wasn't an egg? He was something else? 860 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:22,760 Is correct. Yes. 861 00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,880 It's always been a sort of a nickname, but it wasn't an egg. 862 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,400 In fact, in the early depictions of the rhyme, 863 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,560 he's actually depicted as a child. 864 00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:32,960 There he is, not looking entirely content. 865 00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:34,840 That's horrific! 866 00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:37,680 - I give that rhyme to my niece. - You hate your niece. 867 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:39,760 We've established that. 868 00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:42,240 LAUGHTER 869 00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:49,440 It's not a real story - that's the thing, Susan. 870 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:52,160 Some people think it might have been a story about Richard III, 871 00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:55,400 depicted as humpbacked in Tudor histories, and he was defeated, 872 00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:59,200 and despite all his king's men and horses, at the Battle of Bosworth. 873 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:01,560 Oh, isn't he gorgeous? 874 00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:04,240 So when did it start becoming about an egg? 875 00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:05,920 Because it's an egg, isn't it? 876 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:07,480 Well, we now think of it as an egg, 877 00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:09,240 but it could be about so many other things. 878 00:40:09,240 --> 00:40:12,120 In Colchester, they believe that it is a Civil War-era cannon 879 00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:13,680 on Colchester's city walls. 880 00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:15,520 I have to say, there is no evidence of that. 881 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,880 But the earlier citation in the OED 882 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,560 is for a drink made with ale, 883 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:23,400 boiled with brandy... 884 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:25,080 Yes, please. 885 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:27,680 And I have some here. 886 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:30,280 - And I have five glasses. - Oh, yes! 887 00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:32,600 Are you sharing it out or just having a brilliant time? 888 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:33,960 I am sharing it out. 889 00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:38,640 - So here is the thing as well, the traditional... - Keep pouring! 890 00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:42,360 The traditional food that is eaten at Danish Christmas 891 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:43,880 is something called aebleskiver. 892 00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:47,200 They are a little tiny, like a pancake thing, 893 00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,000 which you have in jam, 894 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:51,640 and these have been made for me by a brilliant Danish chef, 895 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:54,160 Bronte Aurell, from the Scandinavian Kitchen in London, 896 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:55,320 who's here in the audience. 897 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:56,880 Where are you, Bronte? Give us a wave. 898 00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:58,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 899 00:40:58,880 --> 00:40:59,920 Brilliant. 900 00:40:59,920 --> 00:41:03,000 - Have a glass, there we are. - Then tip the jam on your head... 901 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:04,600 There you go. 902 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,760 - There we go. - Thank you. 903 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:10,880 - Say it's medicinal. - Oh, God, that's horrific. 904 00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,080 - LAUGHTER - Not the food. 905 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:16,200 SLURRING: So, Humpty Dumpty was originally a mixture... 906 00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:18,200 This is lovely, isn't it? 907 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:20,040 Look at all me jam! Phwoar! 908 00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:22,480 I never had a happy childhood, I wasn't happy. 909 00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:26,760 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I didn't like you, either! OK... 910 00:41:26,760 --> 00:41:28,680 Let's all just get a taxi... 911 00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,840 SHE SLURS 912 00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:37,200 LAUGHTER 913 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,200 Humpty Dumpty was originally a drink... 914 00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,240 ..of ale and brandy, and you consumed it like this. 915 00:41:44,240 --> 00:41:45,520 Cheers to everybody. 916 00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:48,320 - Cheers. - Skol! - Cheers. - Cheers... 917 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:50,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 918 00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:56,760 OK, so, that brings us to the matter of the festive scores, 919 00:41:56,760 --> 00:41:58,680 and here's what I've decided - 920 00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:01,360 it's Christmas, so everybody is a winner. 921 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,480 First-equal to everybody, 922 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:07,880 but the marzipan pig goes to the man of the hour, 923 00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:09,560 Alan Davies. 924 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:12,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 925 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,520 Go on, eat it, Alan. 926 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,320 QI THEME TUNE AND APPLAUSE 927 00:42:21,720 --> 00:42:22,840 OK. 928 00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:27,200 So, it's thanks to Susan, Matt, Josh and Alan. 929 00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:29,640 Now, Christmas is a time of togetherness, 930 00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:32,000 so I thought we could end the show tonight 931 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:34,760 by solving a Christmas equation together, OK? 932 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:38,280 Are you ready? Here we go. So, Alan, let's have a quick look. 933 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:41,880 Here's an equation. What would you like to do with that equation? 934 00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:43,280 LAUGHTER 935 00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:50,040 - I would... Now... - Yes? - ..I would multiply both sides by R-squared... 936 00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:52,440 OK, we're going to multiply both sides by R-squared. 937 00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:54,680 There we go. Right, Josh? 938 00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:57,320 Er, well, LN is obviously the natural log. 939 00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:58,880 - SUSAN: - Whoo! 940 00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:01,920 - ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY - Yeah... 941 00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:09,040 - So if we raise both sides to the power of the natural log... - Yeah. 942 00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:12,080 - ..which is, the base is E... - Yeah. - Cancels out, doesn't it? 943 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:15,240 OK, well, fancy. It does, yes. So, like that? Is that what you mean? 944 00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:18,440 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER OK, so, very good, Matt. 945 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:23,160 I'm going to propose we multiply both sides by M. 946 00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:25,080 Oh. OK, excellent. Susan? 947 00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:28,640 Well... 948 00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,320 - we've all had a lovely time. - Yes. 949 00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:33,000 LAUGHTER 950 00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:34,800 - SLURRING: - It's Christmas... 951 00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:36,640 I just love you all. 952 00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:40,640 I think we should go a bit mad 953 00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:43,160 and expand the R-squared. 954 00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:45,240 Expand the R-squared thing and there we are - 955 00:43:45,240 --> 00:43:46,400 you only heard it on QI. 956 00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:47,760 Merry Christmas, everybody! 957 00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:50,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE