1 00:00:28,519 --> 00:00:30,600 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:34,039 --> 00:00:39,320 Welcome to QI, where tonight's show is frankly a lot of nonsense. 3 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:44,039 Not helped by stultiloquent poppycock from Holly Walsh. 4 00:00:44,039 --> 00:00:45,880 APPLAUSE 5 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,359 Nagmentory codswallop from Nish Kumar. 6 00:00:52,359 --> 00:00:53,799 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,119 Fribbling gibberish from Phill Jupitus. 8 00:01:00,119 --> 00:01:01,960 APPLAUSE 9 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,480 And the Alan Davies from Essex. 10 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,560 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:13,159 --> 00:01:15,680 And their buzzers sound like nonsense too. Holly goes... 12 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,239 'The trouble with kittens is that...' 13 00:01:18,239 --> 00:01:19,519 Nish goes... 14 00:01:19,519 --> 00:01:22,879 'While they're sat on the mat, they get fat...' 15 00:01:22,879 --> 00:01:24,120 And Phill goes... 16 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,719 'They grow and they grow, and the next thing you know...' 17 00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:28,079 And Alan goes... 18 00:01:28,079 --> 00:01:30,079 'Your kitten's a boring old cat.' 19 00:01:30,079 --> 00:01:32,039 LAUGHTER 20 00:01:32,039 --> 00:01:33,319 Love that. 21 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:35,799 So, your first task tonight is to say something 22 00:01:35,799 --> 00:01:40,719 completely nonsensical, that sounds profound. 23 00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:42,159 That's what I would like. 24 00:01:42,159 --> 00:01:44,840 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,960 Nish, have you got any thoughts? 26 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:51,520 I always find that when people say, "I make my own luck," 27 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,960 - I think that is the biggest load of nonsense. - Yeah. 28 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,680 - Because, if you make it, that's not luck. - Yeah. 29 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,200 - That's not how luck works. - No. 30 00:02:01,719 --> 00:02:04,040 Phill, have you got a profound sentiment for me? 31 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:08,159 It's the centenary this year of the establishment of the Dada art group, 32 00:02:08,159 --> 00:02:11,479 set up at Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich. 33 00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:15,599 Richard Huelsenbeck was a Dada artist 34 00:02:15,599 --> 00:02:19,240 and he wrote a long poem called Fantastic Prayers. 35 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,960 And a couple of sections from it are... 36 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,319 "Birribum, birribum 37 00:02:24,319 --> 00:02:26,280 "The ox runs down the circulum 38 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,400 "Voila, here are the engineers with their assignment 39 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:33,840 "Light minds to throw in a still-crude state. 40 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,280 "Some showers." 41 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,639 - Is it part poem, part weather report? - Basically. 42 00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:42,879 Whenever you say anything nonsense like that, I always think... 43 00:02:42,879 --> 00:02:45,759 - LOWERS INTONATION - ..falling slightly at the end of it. 44 00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:47,879 It just becomes shipping forecast to me. 45 00:02:47,879 --> 00:02:49,719 What about you, Alan? 46 00:02:49,719 --> 00:02:52,319 Well, I like things that sound like proverbs. 47 00:02:52,319 --> 00:02:55,719 And the important thing about them is that they are always reversible. 48 00:02:55,719 --> 00:02:57,560 So I've come up with a couple. 49 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,680 You can change your mind, but you can't change your brain. 50 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,960 - Oh... - That's so crazy. 51 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,039 The alternative is, you can't change your brain, 52 00:03:07,039 --> 00:03:08,879 but you can change your mind. 53 00:03:08,879 --> 00:03:11,280 Wow, that's the sort of thing a teacher would say to you 54 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,680 - and nod as if it meant something. - It means bugger all. 55 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,039 Another one is, you can't jump without landing. 56 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,000 Equally, you can't land without jumping. 57 00:03:24,039 --> 00:03:27,039 I just need time to think about that. 58 00:03:27,039 --> 00:03:29,759 This is the sort of thing we should definitely be smoking weed 59 00:03:29,759 --> 00:03:31,439 and listening to. 60 00:03:31,439 --> 00:03:34,000 Like, you would be a weed guru with this stuff. 61 00:03:36,159 --> 00:03:39,759 You could say things like, a dry man is not swimming. 62 00:03:41,879 --> 00:03:43,680 That's so messed up, man! 63 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,240 A swimming man is never dry. 64 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,240 There's a geezer with a sticker factory in Kettering now 65 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,560 who is writing all these down. 66 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,479 "This is gold!" 67 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,520 Have you got any profound thoughts for me? 68 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,039 Well, I just like, when you're standing on a train platform 69 00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:03,479 and they go, "Any unattended items will be destroyed without warning." 70 00:04:03,479 --> 00:04:05,759 And I'm always like... 71 00:04:05,759 --> 00:04:07,520 - that IS a warning. - Yeah. 72 00:04:08,919 --> 00:04:11,719 - It makes no sense to me. - Does that include a child? 73 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,479 Is a child an item? 74 00:04:16,319 --> 00:04:18,759 I bet you'd sell a lot of children's T-shirts if it just said, 75 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,480 "I am not an unattended item." 76 00:04:22,519 --> 00:04:23,759 "Do not destroy." 77 00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:28,680 There's a fantastic website called the New Age Bullshit Generator. 78 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,240 What it does, it takes buzzwords from New Age tweets 79 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,399 and it combines them to create syntactically correct, 80 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,600 profound-sounding nonsense, such as, 81 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:41,759 "Hidden meaning transforms unparalleled abstract beauty." 82 00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:45,319 That's a Coldplay B-side, isn't it? 83 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:50,879 "The infinite is calling to us via superpositions of possibilities." 84 00:04:50,879 --> 00:04:54,000 These all just sound like Morrissey lyrics. 85 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,240 ♪ The infinite is calling to us. ♪ 86 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,560 I really like them. 87 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,319 "Perceptual reality transcends subtle truth." 88 00:05:00,319 --> 00:05:03,319 I think we've all felt like that at some point. 89 00:05:03,319 --> 00:05:06,959 "Consciousness is the growth of coherence, and of us." 90 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,399 So, here's the thing - Canadian researchers asked subjects 91 00:05:11,399 --> 00:05:13,759 to rate the various sentences I have been reading out 92 00:05:13,759 --> 00:05:15,360 on a scale of one to five, OK? 93 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:19,800 The statements received an average score of 2.6 - "somewhat profound". 94 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,480 And the researchers concluded, 95 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,959 "These results indicate that our participants largely failed 96 00:05:24,959 --> 00:05:27,560 "to detect the statements are bullshit." 97 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:32,159 Yeah, and also, they are just trying to put a number in the middle, 98 00:05:32,159 --> 00:05:34,959 - so they can't be wrong. - Yeah, it's got to be in here somewhere. 99 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,480 "How many out of five?" "Er, three. 100 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,159 "Don't ask me anything else." 101 00:05:40,159 --> 00:05:42,519 It's like multiple-choice at your O Levels, isn't it? 102 00:05:42,519 --> 00:05:44,120 C, C, C, C, 103 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,519 B for change, 104 00:05:45,519 --> 00:05:46,720 C... 105 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,199 All sorts of sentences that people found profound, like, 106 00:05:49,199 --> 00:05:51,480 "Most people enjoy some sort of music." 107 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,319 There's lots of nonsense out there, particularly on the internet. 108 00:05:56,319 --> 00:05:58,920 In 2014, the German scientific publisher Springer 109 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,680 and also the American Institute Of Electrical And Electronic Engineers 110 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,759 had to remove more than 120 papers from their website 111 00:06:05,759 --> 00:06:08,600 because they discovered they were computer-generated nonsense. 112 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,439 Have you ever seen those computer-generated novels? 113 00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:16,519 So, they did Moby Dick, with the words swapped for meows of the same length, 114 00:06:16,519 --> 00:06:20,000 so, "Call me Ishmael," is, "Meow me Meeeeoow." 115 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,920 They did another one, it's a novel made of unconnected excerpts 116 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:31,120 from online databases of teenage girls' accounts of their dreams. 117 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,560 But it's not just computers that can generate rubbish 118 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,040 or things you don't understand, 119 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,560 so the Delphic Oracle was proverbial for its ambiguous... 120 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,079 Wow, she's got weird legs. 121 00:06:41,079 --> 00:06:43,279 LAUGHTER 122 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:47,600 That's a skill, isn't it, to hover on stilts like that? Fantastic. 123 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:51,040 - That's the sort of thing you'd see in Covent Gardens. - Yes. 124 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,519 But usually they have a Yoda costume over the top. 125 00:06:54,519 --> 00:06:58,079 I'm quite alarmed because all of those men sort of look like me. 126 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,759 Oh, yeah! There is a look. 127 00:07:01,759 --> 00:07:04,519 Blue WKD had a different sort of packaging in those days. 128 00:07:04,519 --> 00:07:08,199 So, lots of ambiguous one-liners. Croesus, who was King of Lydia, 129 00:07:08,199 --> 00:07:11,439 he asked for advice on whether he should attack Persia and was told, 130 00:07:11,439 --> 00:07:14,399 "If you cross the river, a great empire will be destroyed," 131 00:07:14,399 --> 00:07:16,759 and he thought, "Fantastic, she thinks I should do this!" 132 00:07:16,759 --> 00:07:20,040 Of course, the great empire was his own that was destroyed. 133 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,639 And there is another piece of advice that was given. 134 00:07:22,639 --> 00:07:26,480 "You will go, you will return, never in war will you perish." 135 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,879 So it's one of those things that it depends how you punctuate it. 136 00:07:29,879 --> 00:07:33,240 "You will go, you will return, never in war will you perish," 137 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:37,279 or, "You will go, you will return never, in war will you perish." 138 00:07:37,279 --> 00:07:39,199 And she never gave out the punctuation, 139 00:07:39,199 --> 00:07:40,720 so it's impossible to tell. 140 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,519 - Lynne Truss would go mental if she saw the Delphic Oracle. - Yes, yes. 141 00:07:44,519 --> 00:07:47,840 Many people can't tell profound truth from complete nonsense, 142 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:51,279 but then again, as a wise man once said, 143 00:07:51,279 --> 00:07:53,720 no leg's too short to reach the ground. 144 00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:01,519 Talking of legs of different lengths, why is netball nonsense? 145 00:08:01,519 --> 00:08:04,480 - It's just the worst sport ever. - Oh, my goodness, yes. 146 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,800 I think you and I could do an hour on this. 147 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,959 It should be banned, because it's not fair, it's a load of crap, 148 00:08:09,959 --> 00:08:12,720 it favours tall people, who already do better at school discos, 149 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,439 getting off with boys anyway, and the whole thing is not fair. 150 00:08:15,439 --> 00:08:19,279 - It's just not fair! - Wow, Holly, we've really opened some old wounds. 151 00:08:19,279 --> 00:08:20,720 Oh, yes. 152 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,920 They have a thing in netball called a chest pass, right? 153 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,279 And I used to get them in the face. 154 00:08:25,279 --> 00:08:27,000 LAUGHTER 155 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,439 Did you used to have one of those bibs with SG on it? 156 00:08:31,439 --> 00:08:32,720 For "short girl"? 157 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:37,039 But they put you against somebody, some girl, six foot tall, 158 00:08:37,039 --> 00:08:38,559 who's going to mark you, and she just 159 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:41,120 - stands there for the whole time like this. - Just doing that. 160 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,200 This is what she does, she does this. For, like, 40 minutes. 161 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,960 That. And that's it, that's all you can do. It's so galling. 162 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,399 One of the great puzzles of netball, 163 00:08:48,399 --> 00:08:50,279 apart from why anybody would want to play it, 164 00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,440 is that it has tremendous restriction on movement. 165 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,120 So, why would you want to restrict players 166 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,759 to certain areas of the court? 167 00:08:55,759 --> 00:08:58,000 Isn't it just to avoid contact? 168 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,559 - No... - Cos it's a very small court? 169 00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:02,840 No, it's due to a misunderstanding. 170 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,200 So, what happened, the men's game, basketball, 171 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,600 invented by a man called James Naismith in 1891, 172 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,279 and there was a PE teacher called Clara Bear of New Orleans, 173 00:09:11,279 --> 00:09:14,159 and she asked if he would send a copy of the rules. 174 00:09:14,159 --> 00:09:17,720 So, he sent the rules and it contained a drawing of the court 175 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,639 with lines pencilled across it showing the area that various players 176 00:09:20,639 --> 00:09:24,919 could best patrol, and she misinterpreted this to mean 177 00:09:24,919 --> 00:09:27,519 that players couldn't leave those areas. 178 00:09:27,519 --> 00:09:30,399 She then wrote that into her version. 179 00:09:30,399 --> 00:09:33,320 Then it got worse. In 1983, a gym teacher in Massachusetts 180 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,639 called Senda Berenson modified it further, 181 00:09:35,639 --> 00:09:38,159 because she thought it was unseemly for young women. 182 00:09:38,159 --> 00:09:39,639 She wrote an essay about it 183 00:09:39,639 --> 00:09:42,799 and she wrote, "Unless a game as exciting as basketball 184 00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:46,080 "is carefully guided by such rules as will eliminate roughness, 185 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,159 "the great desire to win and the excitement of the game 186 00:09:49,159 --> 00:09:52,720 "will make our women do sadly unwomanly things." 187 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:57,120 So she made them all miserable as they are in that picture. 188 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,960 So, she banned tackling and she instituted 189 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,080 the three-second time limit for holding the ball 190 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,840 and basically didn't think people should run backwards and forwards 191 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,279 because the girls' hearts 192 00:10:05,279 --> 00:10:08,720 would become what she called hypertrophic if they ran too far. 193 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,200 Rounders was always the best of all sports. 194 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,639 Yeah, I liked rounders. 195 00:10:12,639 --> 00:10:14,360 I was dreadful at all sports. 196 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:18,360 I was the first kid in my school to be put into remedial rugby. 197 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,720 They gave me a round ball, because they were like, 198 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,159 "This kid's going to have his eye out on the points." 199 00:10:23,159 --> 00:10:25,159 At school we had three divisions for swimming. 200 00:10:25,159 --> 00:10:27,279 We had A, B and C, and I was in F. 201 00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,120 That's "floating". 202 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,519 LAUGHTER 203 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,799 - Do you like kabaddi? - Do I like kabaddi?! 204 00:10:35,799 --> 00:10:39,000 I don't like it, I LOVE kabaddi. 205 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,320 Kabaddi is an Indian sport. If you don't know what it is, 206 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,000 it's like somebody looked at a game of rugby and thought, 207 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,200 you know what the problem with this is? The ball. 208 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,879 We just get rid of that. And it's also the only game 209 00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:51,240 where the players stand there and just go, 210 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,360 "Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi." 211 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,240 Is that it? Is that the whole thing? 212 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,799 What you have to do, one man will be sent out by one team 213 00:10:58,799 --> 00:11:02,320 and he's got to try to touch the end zone. And the other team, 214 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,440 they're usually linking up and they've got to try to touch him, 215 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:08,000 but if he touches them, that's basically it. 216 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,559 - It's tag? - Is it British Bulldog? 217 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:11,639 It's sort of like British Bulldog and tag. 218 00:11:11,639 --> 00:11:13,480 It's very much kabaddi, OK? 219 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,279 I won't have this imperialist conquest of our sports! 220 00:11:17,799 --> 00:11:20,759 "Is that British Bulldog?" No, it's very much Indian kabaddi! 221 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:27,720 You may take our Koh-I-Noor diamond, but you'll never take our kabaddi! 222 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,679 - PHILL: - It sounds like a good game, 223 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:32,639 but it sounds like what it needs is kissing. 224 00:11:32,639 --> 00:11:35,120 It's the only sport where, during the sport, 225 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,799 you just say the name of the sport. 226 00:11:36,799 --> 00:11:38,960 It would be like a footballer kicking the ball 227 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,600 and just going, "Football." 228 00:11:42,279 --> 00:11:44,679 - Do people get injured in it, do you get injured? - Is it rough? 229 00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:47,000 I think it's one of those sports that LOOKS pretty rough. 230 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,799 The other thing that's weird about it 231 00:11:48,799 --> 00:11:51,000 is they're sort of all in kind of loincloths. 232 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,559 Oh, wow! Now we're talking! 233 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:57,279 If you tuned in, you would think 234 00:11:57,279 --> 00:12:02,080 you were watching a particularly strange piece of all-male erotica. 235 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,240 - Well, I was watching on YouTube yesterday... - Uh-oh. 236 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,759 ..this Turkish sport where they all get oiled up - 237 00:12:07,759 --> 00:12:10,200 this is genuinely true - and they wear leather trousers 238 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,200 and they wrestle each other and the competition is 239 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,799 to get their hands down the front of the trousers, 240 00:12:15,799 --> 00:12:17,600 like that's how you win the points. 241 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,399 That's not a sport! 242 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:24,200 Is it possible the subtitles were less than correct? 243 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,279 Well, it was being done in this big field 244 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,960 and there were loads of people watching and elderly gentlemen 245 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,399 that you wouldn't imagine would be into that sort of thing 246 00:12:31,399 --> 00:12:35,320 and they were... These younger men were doing it and they were... 247 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,960 It was really serious. 248 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:42,240 - I'm just... - You were on YouTube, watching Turkish dogging! 249 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,440 I'm not joking, I'm so serious. 250 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,200 I'm wondering if some of these Turkish rules 251 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,919 couldn't be introduced to kabaddi. How fantastic! 252 00:12:52,919 --> 00:12:55,120 We should have a QI kabaddi team. 253 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,799 Would it be us versus other panel shows? 254 00:12:57,799 --> 00:12:59,519 Oh, that's a very interesting idea. 255 00:12:59,519 --> 00:13:01,039 I wouldn't want to go up against 256 00:13:01,039 --> 00:13:03,039 the Have I Got News For You kabaddi team. 257 00:13:03,039 --> 00:13:04,799 I reckon Hislop's got moves. 258 00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:09,440 I think Pointless kabaddi. Me against Richard Osman. 259 00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:16,159 We finally have the sport that television needs, that's what I think. 260 00:13:16,159 --> 00:13:18,840 Celebrity Death Match Kabaddi. 261 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,480 - I can see it. - Write this down! 262 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,519 Fantastic. We've invented a new sport, 263 00:13:23,519 --> 00:13:25,320 it was well worth the whole thing. 264 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,120 From nonsense to neuroscience. 265 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,759 What's the worst noise in the world? 266 00:13:32,759 --> 00:13:34,080 'Do you know...?' 267 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,240 - Yes? - I believe I've mentioned it before tonight. 268 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,600 That would be Coldplay B-sides. 269 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 270 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,440 Not everyone applauding. Quite a lot of people going, 271 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,080 "I LIKE Coldplay B-sides." 272 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,679 So, we have some props. You can make some noises. 273 00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:53,600 - Oh, hello. - Let's have a look. 274 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,320 So, let's start with Nish and Alan. 275 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,399 BEEP 276 00:13:56,399 --> 00:13:57,960 That's very irritating, isn't it? 277 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,120 Oh, God. All right, stop it. 278 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,320 LOUD HORN 279 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,080 Do you remember what that is, Nish? 280 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,200 - This is a vuvuzela. - It is a vuvuzela, yes. 281 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,080 Which ruined the 2010 World Cup. 282 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,679 It's a hideous noise, isn't it? 283 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,240 Luckily I have grade seven in vuvuzela, so we're fine. 284 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,639 HONK 285 00:14:14,639 --> 00:14:16,960 SHRILL SCRATCHING Oh, Alan, Alan. 286 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,519 AUDIENCE GROANS 287 00:14:20,919 --> 00:14:23,200 Fingers on a chalkboard! 288 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,879 That is awful. 289 00:14:26,759 --> 00:14:29,279 A RECORDER IS PLAYED TUNELESSLY 290 00:14:33,799 --> 00:14:35,799 We've got a band going, don't stop! 291 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,840 SCRATCHY VIOLIN 292 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,320 I've got a mirror and this cube of white stuff... 293 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,000 LAUGHTER 294 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:52,480 Is the most annoying sound in the world me on drugs? 295 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,279 I think...this is polystyrene. 296 00:14:55,279 --> 00:14:56,360 - Yes. - And... 297 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,519 SQUEAKING Oh! 298 00:14:58,519 --> 00:15:01,799 The Journal of Neuroscience did the top-10 most annoying sounds. 299 00:15:01,799 --> 00:15:04,120 Apparently the most annoying is a knife on a bottle, 300 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,279 but we haven't been able to work out why that is. 301 00:15:06,279 --> 00:15:08,480 This one we can do. This is number two. 302 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,000 - A fork... - Oh, God. 303 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,159 LAUGHTER 304 00:15:13,159 --> 00:15:15,559 ♪ I got the power! ♪ 305 00:15:15,559 --> 00:15:18,480 - FORK SCRAPING ON PLATE - Ugh, stop, stop, stop. 306 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:19,799 Aargh! 307 00:15:19,799 --> 00:15:22,320 That's very unpleasant, isn't it? 308 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,799 The worst sound, I think, is Stan Collymore on talkSPORT. 309 00:15:27,679 --> 00:15:30,720 There's going to be a long list of people who hate you now! 310 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,480 - I've got... This is the old... - Yes, yes. 311 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,879 SMOKE ALARM BEEPS 312 00:15:35,879 --> 00:15:39,759 What is worse than this, is when it just goes... 313 00:15:39,759 --> 00:15:40,879 Doot! 314 00:15:40,879 --> 00:15:42,240 Oh, yes. 315 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,879 And four minutes later goes... 316 00:15:44,879 --> 00:15:45,919 Doot! 317 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:50,320 And you can't work out which one it is. It's somewhere in the house. 318 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:52,639 Doot! 319 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,240 The thing I love about any sort of smoke alarm is that 320 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,360 we've advanced so far technologically, 321 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:03,039 and yet we still haven't got beyond the only way to solve a smoke alarm 322 00:16:03,039 --> 00:16:05,840 is to have a tea towel and just do this underneath it. 323 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,960 I was in a hotel once, and I was...a bit pissed, 324 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,720 and I fell asleep on the bed in my clothes. 325 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:15,759 And then I was woken up by this terrible noise in the room 326 00:16:15,759 --> 00:16:18,600 and I thought, "What is that?" This, "Whee-whee-whee!" 327 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,559 And there was this thing on the ceiling 328 00:16:20,559 --> 00:16:23,279 and I started hitting it with my shoe, as hard as I could, 329 00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:26,799 and then it fell off the ceiling and it was dangling by a wire. 330 00:16:26,799 --> 00:16:28,879 And then I rang reception and said, 331 00:16:28,879 --> 00:16:31,639 "There's a thing in my room making a terrible noise." 332 00:16:31,639 --> 00:16:34,879 And they said, "That's the fire alarm, sir, will you please evacuate." 333 00:16:34,879 --> 00:16:36,279 LAUGHTER 334 00:16:39,879 --> 00:16:42,600 And I said, "Oh, just so you know, when it went off, 335 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,759 "it kind of fell from the ceiling." 336 00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:51,279 Then I went out on the street and I was the only person in clothes. 337 00:16:55,919 --> 00:16:59,000 So I can possibly top all the noises that we have had so far. 338 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,120 Has anybody ever seen these being played? 339 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,919 - Ah! - Is that...? 340 00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:06,359 Yes, it's an extraordinary noise, but here's the thing, 341 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:10,440 1761, Benjamin Franklin was visiting in Cambridge, in England, 342 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,119 and he saw the glasses being played and he thought, 343 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:14,440 "I can improve on this." 344 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:17,720 And he developed something called a glass armonica. 345 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:22,119 It's 37 bowls and they are mounted horizontally on an iron spindle, 346 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:24,240 and they're turned by means of a foot pedal 347 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,839 and the sound is then produced by touching the rims. 348 00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:30,079 There it is. It is the most extraordinary noise. 349 00:17:30,079 --> 00:17:33,279 They're painted different colours, according to the pitch of the notes. 350 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,880 Franklin used to play this at dinner parties, 351 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,440 and it really took off, and thousands were built. 352 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,880 There was a factory employing over 100 people making glass armonicas. 353 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,599 Lots of the performers were women. 354 00:17:45,599 --> 00:17:48,279 There was a woman, Marianne Davies, and she toured all over Europe. 355 00:17:48,279 --> 00:17:51,079 She taught Marie Antoinette to play the glass armonica. 356 00:17:51,079 --> 00:17:54,880 - There she is. - "Here we see Marie Antoinette pleasuring an armadillo." 357 00:17:57,759 --> 00:17:59,680 That's one of the worst sounds in the world, 358 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,720 Marie Antoinette pleasuring an armadillo. 359 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,480 "I'll get a tune out of this armadillo, you just watch me." 360 00:18:07,279 --> 00:18:09,759 I have important things to tell you about the glass armonica. 361 00:18:09,759 --> 00:18:10,839 Crack on, girl, crack on. 362 00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:13,880 No, I want to know about pleasuring an armadillo. 363 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,799 My brain's gone off in the wrong direction. 364 00:18:15,799 --> 00:18:17,559 So, anyway, it got a very bad reputation, 365 00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:20,319 because it was thought at first it had a sort of soothing effect 366 00:18:20,319 --> 00:18:23,640 and then eventually people thought it drove you mad to listen to it 367 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,279 and that it would even summon the dead. 368 00:18:25,279 --> 00:18:28,200 And people who played it said they got mental anguish 369 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,440 from the vibrations. 370 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,400 In fact, the chances are they were getting lead poisoning 371 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,960 because the lead was leaching out of the glass and into their system. 372 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,279 Do they revive them and get them out for the Proms 373 00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:39,440 or anything like that? 374 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,000 The only time I ever heard one played 375 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,839 is outside Paul Revere's house in Boston. 376 00:18:42,839 --> 00:18:45,400 There's a woman who plays and you give her money to stop. 377 00:18:47,039 --> 00:18:49,279 How have we had this whole conversation 378 00:18:49,279 --> 00:18:51,279 and no-one has mentioned bagpipes? 379 00:18:51,279 --> 00:18:53,039 Yes, what do you think, are you in favour...? 380 00:18:53,039 --> 00:18:54,599 - I'm against bagpipes. - Against. 381 00:18:54,599 --> 00:18:57,200 What it was for me, I stayed at the Edinburgh Festival one year 382 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,880 and made the mistake of staying in a hotel on Princes Street 383 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,599 and there's a guy with a bagpipe comes out, 10am, 384 00:19:03,599 --> 00:19:07,039 kicks off outside the Waverley Shopping Centre. 385 00:19:07,039 --> 00:19:09,440 I was going to hire a sniper. 386 00:19:11,599 --> 00:19:15,359 You were inside your hotel trying to hit the fire alarm. 387 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:19,319 But the weird thing is, if you are the other side of the hotel, 388 00:19:19,319 --> 00:19:22,119 you've got the bloke with the panpipes. 389 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,000 - Oh, yes! - Oh, I love those! 390 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,759 The panpipe bloke, where did he come from? What's he doing in Scotland?! 391 00:19:27,759 --> 00:19:30,000 I like the panpipes, except, 392 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,319 when you go up to the panpipers and you buy one of their tapes, 393 00:19:33,319 --> 00:19:36,200 they're playing things like Greensleeves and that kind of thing. 394 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,480 You don't want that, you want traditional Peruvian... 395 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,880 Hits by John Williams, that kind of thing, yeah. 396 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,720 Do you think they have to pay rights to...Henry VIII or whatever? 397 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,759 I didn't think that through, but... 398 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,319 Have you ever tried saying to buskers, 399 00:19:49,319 --> 00:19:52,079 "How much do you make an hour?" They say, "Oh, about £25." 400 00:19:52,079 --> 00:19:54,960 You go, "Here's 26, now, just for an hour, ssh!" 401 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,960 Now, make of this nonsensical question what you will. 402 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,079 Who blows their nose for something to eat? 403 00:20:02,079 --> 00:20:03,119 My children. 404 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,200 There might be some good bacteria in your mucus. 405 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,240 That's what I was told about children, 406 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,000 doing that does actually help their immune system, 407 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,039 - to consume their bogeys. - Yeah. 408 00:20:14,039 --> 00:20:16,799 Was that one of your children that told you that? 409 00:20:19,799 --> 00:20:21,599 "It's very good for me, actually." 410 00:20:21,599 --> 00:20:23,880 There is a conflict of interest there. 411 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,400 Is it an anteater? 412 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,640 Is it an anteater?! 413 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:29,599 Well, they suck up ants through their noses, don't they? 414 00:20:29,599 --> 00:20:33,079 Yes, but we are actually looking for something that blows its nose. 415 00:20:33,079 --> 00:20:34,480 Blows its nose. 416 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,519 - Yes. - Bird? Mammal. 417 00:20:36,519 --> 00:20:38,960 - Bird... - Mammal... - Mammal... - Bird? 418 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,839 Are you trying to psyche me out so I tell you? 419 00:20:40,839 --> 00:20:44,759 - I'm trying, I'm trying. - OK, it's a worm! You did it. 420 00:20:44,759 --> 00:20:46,880 Worms haven't got noses, they've got spiracles! 421 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,200 Oh, well, here's the extraordinary thing. 422 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,279 Have a look at this. 423 00:20:50,279 --> 00:20:52,839 Prepare yourselves for this bit of footage. 424 00:20:52,839 --> 00:20:54,000 This is... 425 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,480 AUDIENCE GROANS 426 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,680 Make it stop! 427 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,480 It's called a nemertea, or a ribbon worm, 428 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,480 and it literally blows its nose. 429 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:17,119 So it explosively injects its proboscis from its body 430 00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:18,359 in search of food. 431 00:21:18,359 --> 00:21:20,319 They are also known as proboscis worms. 432 00:21:20,319 --> 00:21:22,559 - Is that snot, then? - No, it's its nose. 433 00:21:22,559 --> 00:21:26,359 When they detect food or prey, the muscle contractions of the body wall 434 00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:28,519 forces the proboscis, literally its nose, 435 00:21:28,519 --> 00:21:31,519 out of the body and turns it inside-out, like a rubber glove. 436 00:21:31,519 --> 00:21:34,839 - Right. - OK. And the one that's shown here is a gorgon worm, 437 00:21:34,839 --> 00:21:37,839 and it's got these branching, spaghetti-like tentacles 438 00:21:37,839 --> 00:21:41,000 on its proboscis which then envelops the prey 439 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,519 with a sticky toxin and draws it back into the body. 440 00:21:44,519 --> 00:21:47,960 Are you telling me that it ate that bloke? 441 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,640 - Let's have another look. Let's have one more look. - No, let's not! 442 00:21:58,279 --> 00:22:00,559 - It's amazing, isn't it? - No! 443 00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:05,799 And again! 444 00:22:07,079 --> 00:22:08,880 It's like those people on YouTube 445 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,319 who watch people squeezing spots and stuff like that. 446 00:22:11,319 --> 00:22:13,279 I mean, what is wrong with people?! 447 00:22:13,279 --> 00:22:16,240 What is wrong with your YouTube search history?! 448 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,279 Turkish dogging, spot squeezing... Add this to the list - 449 00:22:21,279 --> 00:22:23,160 freaky worm eating a bloke. 450 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,599 Wow, Holly, thank God we had you on the show 451 00:22:25,599 --> 00:22:28,119 so you could take a break from these things! 452 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:30,000 What is that? What is that? 453 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,200 Well, OK, here's the thing that will upset you. 454 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,839 Oh, THIS will upset me! 455 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,839 They can regenerate lost body parts, 456 00:22:39,839 --> 00:22:41,839 so any nemertean are able to do that, 457 00:22:41,839 --> 00:22:44,200 but there is one species, and this is it, 458 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,640 the ramphogordius sanguineus, and it is exceptional. 459 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,000 Any body part that is severed, 460 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,039 apart from maybe the tip of the tail where there aren't any nerves, 461 00:22:52,039 --> 00:22:53,480 can regrow into a new worm, 462 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:56,920 so you could take a worm that is only 15 centimetres long 463 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,920 and it is claimed that more than 200,000 worms could result 464 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,319 from that one tiny, little worm. 465 00:23:03,319 --> 00:23:05,240 That's extraordinary, isn't it? 466 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:06,799 Isn't that unbelievable? 467 00:23:06,799 --> 00:23:10,079 The most common nemertean around the UK is called the bootlace worm. 468 00:23:10,079 --> 00:23:12,359 It can grow to ENORMOUS lengths. 469 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:16,480 There was one that washed ashore in St Andrews in Scotland in 1864 470 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,440 that was said to be 180 feet long, 471 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,960 which makes it arguably the longest of all animals. 472 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,039 Extraordinary, aren't they? 473 00:23:24,039 --> 00:23:27,799 And now a question from a master of nonsense, Mr Lewis Carroll. 474 00:23:27,799 --> 00:23:31,759 Which is more useful, a clock which is right twice a day, 475 00:23:31,759 --> 00:23:34,960 or a clock which is right once every two years? 476 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,160 Wow. Now, is it going to be 477 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:41,039 that all clocks are right once every two years 478 00:23:41,039 --> 00:23:44,359 and the clock that has stopped is right twice a day, so it's the... 479 00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:45,799 it's the first one? 480 00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:49,559 Which was the first, sorry? LAUGHTER 481 00:23:49,559 --> 00:23:53,079 - SHAKILY: - If you promise not to show me the worm... 482 00:23:53,079 --> 00:23:55,759 I'll say anything you want. 483 00:23:55,759 --> 00:23:58,480 I think that clocks are never quite right, 484 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,000 but every two years they are right. 485 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,720 That's one of those bullshit statements, isn't it? 486 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,240 If it's the two-year one, 487 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,880 is it like losing a second every hour or something like that, 488 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,599 so therefore you can kind of ballpark what time it is. 489 00:24:12,599 --> 00:24:14,759 You're exactly right. So, the idea that the clock 490 00:24:14,759 --> 00:24:16,920 that's right twice a day - yes, Alan, well done - 491 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,960 it has, of course, stopped, it can't tell us anything about the time, 492 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,119 - so you'd have no idea when it was right. - No. 493 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:24,000 But a clock that's right once every two years, 494 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,400 that's a clock that loses a minute a day, 495 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:29,119 but you could tell the time from it if you knew how slow it was 496 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,680 and it was a question that Lewis Carroll wrote about 497 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,400 in a wonderful miscellany that he wrote called The Rectory Umbrella 498 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,880 and it's one of the things that he was most passionate about. 499 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,680 If you think about Alice In Wonderland, 500 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,960 the rabbit has a watch and talks about being late, 501 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:42,960 there's a sense about time in a lot of his writing, 502 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,559 he was slightly obsessed with it. 503 00:24:44,559 --> 00:24:46,759 Now, if we are talking about telling time, 504 00:24:46,759 --> 00:24:48,440 I want you to have a look at this. 505 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:52,079 - So, this box, it contains... PHILL: - A worm! 506 00:24:52,079 --> 00:24:53,359 It's got a worm in it. 507 00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:57,039 It's got no dial, it's got... 508 00:24:57,039 --> 00:25:01,000 You can see, it's got no obvious way of telling the time, 509 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,839 but it will tell you the time. 510 00:25:02,839 --> 00:25:05,079 Any thoughts as to how you might do it? 511 00:25:05,079 --> 00:25:06,759 - CLEARLY: - What's the time? 512 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:09,640 You don't need to take it outdoors? 513 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,400 - You don't need to take it outdoors, you don't... - Do you knock on it? 514 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:16,079 You do. It was designed at the Copenhagen Institute Of Design. 515 00:25:16,079 --> 00:25:20,079 One of the things I'm putting in the show are random Scandinavian facts. 516 00:25:20,079 --> 00:25:22,480 This is today's Randi Scandi. 517 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,680 LAUGHTER 518 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,079 So, if you have a listen, 519 00:25:27,079 --> 00:25:28,559 I will knock on it to ask the time 520 00:25:28,559 --> 00:25:31,480 and it will knock back what the time is. 521 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:35,559 NINE RHYTHMIC KNOCKS, PAUSE 522 00:25:35,559 --> 00:25:38,440 PHILL IMPERSONATES COUNTDOWN CLOCK, TWO RHYTHMIC KNOCKS 523 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,400 So it did nine and then ten minute increments, 524 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:41,920 so it's 20 minutes past. 525 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,799 This was in fact built for us by Paul Plowman who is here. 526 00:25:44,799 --> 00:25:47,960 Where is Paul? Let's give him a round of applause. There we are. 527 00:25:51,799 --> 00:25:55,119 I want one of those. I think that's absolutely fantastic. 528 00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:58,519 A clock that runs behind is better than one that doesn't work at all. 529 00:25:58,519 --> 00:26:01,519 Now, name a nonsense museum. 530 00:26:01,519 --> 00:26:04,279 - The Leicester Gas Museum? - Is there a gas museum? 531 00:26:04,279 --> 00:26:05,680 - Yes! - I want to go. 532 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,079 I went there, it was amazing, 533 00:26:07,079 --> 00:26:09,599 and the guy who runs it is a James Bond lookalike. 534 00:26:09,599 --> 00:26:11,880 But he asked us to guess who he was a lookalike of 535 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:15,200 - and we didn't get it, so I'm not sure how successful he is. - That's not so good. 536 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,319 Does he look like a specific James Bond? 537 00:26:17,319 --> 00:26:19,720 He looks like the Scottish guy. 538 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:21,359 Is it unlucky to mention him? 539 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,839 - "You're not allowed to say..." - The Scottish Bond! 540 00:26:26,839 --> 00:26:28,920 "..The Scottish James Bond." 541 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,240 And because we were so enthusiastic, 542 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:35,160 he gave us some British Gas tracksuits from 1988. 543 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:38,960 Is he supposed to give away the exhibits? That doesn't seem right. 544 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,720 My favourite, there's a Pencil Museum in Cumbria. 545 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,480 - Yes. - It's brilliant. - In Keswick. 546 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,960 Keswick. It's got the world's biggest pencil, which is massive. 547 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,319 You go and they show you how they make pencils, 548 00:26:49,319 --> 00:26:51,319 they show you how pencils were invented, 549 00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:53,680 you can have a pencil with your name on it. 550 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,119 It's like the best museum in the world. 551 00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:58,359 Until I went to McLean in Texas, 552 00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:00,359 where they have the Barbed Wire Museum. 553 00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:01,960 They do! 554 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:03,640 - NISH: - How do you get in? 555 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:04,799 Exactly! 556 00:27:07,319 --> 00:27:09,279 Barbed wire is the thing that changed 557 00:27:09,279 --> 00:27:12,160 the entire face of America, because that thing that we think about, 558 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,559 the Wild West, was only about a 20-year period of history 559 00:27:14,559 --> 00:27:16,759 because barbed wire came in and it was impossible 560 00:27:16,759 --> 00:27:19,720 to drive cattle across the country, so it's hugely important. 561 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,359 - But it is an extraordinary museum. - Oh, yeah, yeah. It's great. 562 00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:25,119 - AMERICAN ACCENT: - "That piece of barbed wire there, 563 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:27,279 "that's over 200 year old." 564 00:27:28,319 --> 00:27:31,039 The best museum I've ever been to is the Margaret Mitchell Museum, 565 00:27:31,039 --> 00:27:33,480 which is in Atlanta, Georgia. Margaret Mitchell, of course, 566 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,559 wrote Gone With The Wind and there was a big picture 567 00:27:35,559 --> 00:27:38,119 behind the woman selling the tickets and it was of a massive fire. 568 00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:39,839 I said, "Oh, what's the picture for?" 569 00:27:39,839 --> 00:27:44,519 She said, "Well, unfortunately, 1982, the museum burned down." 570 00:27:44,519 --> 00:27:47,079 I said, "Oh, that's a shame. You rebuilt it?" 571 00:27:47,079 --> 00:27:48,640 She said, "Yes, we rebuilt it. 572 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,599 "Then, unfortunately, four years later, 573 00:27:50,599 --> 00:27:52,759 "darned thing burned down again." 574 00:27:52,759 --> 00:27:54,680 And the result is they have nothing 575 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,319 that ever belonged to Margaret Mitchell. 576 00:27:58,759 --> 00:28:03,759 So you get shown around and they say, "This chair here is very like..." 577 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,799 Everything is "very like". 578 00:28:09,799 --> 00:28:12,880 The Titanic Museum in Belfast, they've got a reproduction 579 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,400 of the central staircase in the main atrium on the Titanic 580 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,839 and the thing is, you're not allowed to see the staircase, 581 00:28:19,839 --> 00:28:22,880 it's in a shut-off bit and you go, "Where's the staircase?" 582 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:26,519 They go, "That's upstairs and you can only go if you have Sunday tea." 583 00:28:26,519 --> 00:28:28,519 - Seriously? You can't...? - I go, "It's Wednesday!" 584 00:28:28,519 --> 00:28:30,359 "Come back Sunday... 585 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:32,079 "and have tea! 586 00:28:32,079 --> 00:28:34,960 "Then you can see the stairs! 587 00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:36,839 "It's great! 588 00:28:36,839 --> 00:28:40,079 "They've got carpet on them!" 589 00:28:40,079 --> 00:28:42,400 Then you go in the museum and you think, 590 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,160 "Oh, there's going to be all manner of Titanic knick-knacks." 591 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:46,759 They've got one letter. 592 00:28:46,759 --> 00:28:50,240 One letter, written by a doctor that was actually on the Titanic. 593 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:51,880 A letter. One... 594 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,519 It's a Titanic MUSEUM! 595 00:28:54,519 --> 00:28:57,400 Yeah, but I liked it because of all the things 596 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,240 - about how many rivets there were. - Yeah. 597 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,519 I was once on one of those tours around Manhattan 598 00:29:02,519 --> 00:29:04,519 and we went under the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge 599 00:29:04,519 --> 00:29:07,599 and the guy said, "This bridge is enormous," he said how many rivets it had. 600 00:29:07,599 --> 00:29:10,039 He said, "If you took all the pieces it took to make this bridge 601 00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:11,640 "and you laid them end to end, 602 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:13,359 "the bridge would fall down." 603 00:29:17,039 --> 00:29:20,359 Anyway, there is actually a Nonsense Museum. 604 00:29:20,359 --> 00:29:23,519 The Nonseum in Herrnbaumgarten in Austria. 605 00:29:23,519 --> 00:29:28,880 It was founded in 1994 and it houses a collection of absurdist items. 606 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:32,079 So it has things like the selfie rifle. 607 00:29:34,799 --> 00:29:36,599 One previous owner. 608 00:29:36,599 --> 00:29:39,599 This crockery set, I think, is a very useful thing. 609 00:29:39,599 --> 00:29:41,240 This is divorce crockery. 610 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:46,240 And these are keyhole-shaped spectacles for voyeurs. 611 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,319 LAUGHTER 612 00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:54,119 And the next one is something I absolutely would like to have. 613 00:29:54,119 --> 00:29:56,279 This is a biological lawnmower. 614 00:29:58,279 --> 00:30:01,359 That's not a real sheep! 615 00:30:01,359 --> 00:30:03,960 But there's also some very good stuff. 616 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:07,200 The US Patent Office is a tremendous place to look for nonsensical items. 617 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,680 For example, the Behringer vacuum cleaner, this is a depressing thing. 618 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,240 It's from before the time of the electric vacuum cleaner. 619 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:15,400 Basically, the man's had a busy day and he comes home 620 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,079 and he sits in his rocking chair, reads the paper, smokes a pipe, 621 00:30:18,079 --> 00:30:21,799 and he rocks, and the action of rocking enables the woman, 622 00:30:21,799 --> 00:30:26,599 quite rightly, to do the hoovering. 623 00:30:26,599 --> 00:30:29,680 What happens in figures 1-11? 624 00:30:33,319 --> 00:30:35,160 Is that where the dust goes down? 625 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,920 I think 13 is where she throttles him with that long hose. 626 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:43,920 The worst example of these is the centrifugal birthing machine. 627 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:47,400 So this was invented in the 1960s by George and Charlotte Blonsky, 628 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:49,680 who I can only imagine did not actually have children. 629 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,000 So, women were strapped to it and rotated 630 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,279 at a speed dictated by the doctor. 631 00:30:54,279 --> 00:30:57,559 And when it was delivered, the baby landed in a net... 632 00:30:57,559 --> 00:30:59,000 LAUGHTER 633 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:03,000 ..which triggered the machine to stop. 634 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,279 I love the idea that all other midwives were like, 635 00:31:05,279 --> 00:31:07,200 "Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi..." 636 00:31:10,359 --> 00:31:12,440 That would be awesome. What a way to come out. 637 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:15,079 Something that would be like that would be a birthing trebuchet. 638 00:31:15,079 --> 00:31:16,880 Yeah. 639 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,640 So you're labouring away 640 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:22,480 and then they strap you to a catapult, but then, bang! 641 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:25,559 It's like getting ketchup out the bottom of the...thing. 642 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,759 Just the force of the boom. They'd be, "Whoa!" 643 00:31:29,759 --> 00:31:32,160 You've forgotten the cord, Phill. 644 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:34,440 That baby's coming back. 645 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,599 LAUGHTER 646 00:31:37,599 --> 00:31:40,200 APPLAUSE 647 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:42,400 Anyway, moving on... 648 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,680 The other invention that I like is the pedestrian catcher. 649 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,759 When they first got trams in Los Angeles, 650 00:31:47,759 --> 00:31:50,720 they were very worried that it was going to hit some pedestrians 651 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:52,240 and on old-fashioned American trains 652 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:53,960 there used to be a thing called a cow catcher 653 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,759 and they wanted something rather similar, 654 00:31:55,759 --> 00:31:57,880 but they didn't want to knock people out of the way, 655 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:03,160 so they put a long, thin, upholstered sofa across the front of the tram. 656 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,559 The idea was that it would comfortably catch you. 657 00:32:06,559 --> 00:32:07,799 Just carry on. 658 00:32:07,799 --> 00:32:11,079 What they really should have is a bouncy castle on the front... 659 00:32:11,079 --> 00:32:13,920 - Yeah, yeah. - ..of every vehicle. - Everything, yeah. 660 00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:16,319 Do you know what they call a bouncy castle in America? 661 00:32:16,319 --> 00:32:18,119 - A bounce house. - Do they? 662 00:32:18,119 --> 00:32:19,599 Yeah, we call it a bouncy castle. 663 00:32:19,599 --> 00:32:22,440 - I think that says so much about our regard for history. - Yes. 664 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,400 Peasants! 665 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:29,400 In America, there are three places called Fort Nonsense 666 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,200 but only one called Nowhere. 667 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,160 What's the official name for the middle of nowhere? 668 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:38,200 There is a place in the world that is the middle of nowhere. 669 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:39,559 Where, Croydon? 670 00:32:39,559 --> 00:32:41,000 AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS 671 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,759 I'm from Croydon, so I can say that, OK? 672 00:32:43,759 --> 00:32:46,359 It's the centre of the least-populated bit? 673 00:32:46,359 --> 00:32:48,119 You're absolutely in the right area. 674 00:32:48,119 --> 00:32:50,279 So where would you find the least number of people? 675 00:32:50,279 --> 00:32:51,880 Not necessarily on the land, maybe? 676 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:53,519 - Oh. - The ocean? 677 00:32:53,519 --> 00:32:55,119 It's a part of the Pacific. 678 00:32:55,119 --> 00:32:58,839 It is as far from land as it is possible to get on the Earth 679 00:32:58,839 --> 00:33:00,920 and it's called Point Nemo. 680 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:03,640 It is 1,700 miles from any coast. 681 00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:06,039 Named, of course, after the submarine captain 682 00:33:06,039 --> 00:33:07,480 in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. 683 00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:11,039 - And there's a Starbucks there, right? - Yeah, there's a Starbucks. 684 00:33:11,039 --> 00:33:15,559 Nemo, Latin rendering of the ancient Greek Outis, meaning "nobody". 685 00:33:15,559 --> 00:33:18,119 It's also known as the oceanic pole of inaccessibility. 686 00:33:18,119 --> 00:33:20,000 And here is the extraordinary thing - 687 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:23,440 you'd think there's nothing there, but it is a spacecraft graveyard. 688 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:27,519 There are more than 160 spacecraft littering the ocean floor there. 689 00:33:27,519 --> 00:33:29,599 I have to say, they're mostly Russian. 690 00:33:29,599 --> 00:33:32,119 So here's the thing - it's much cheaper to allow 691 00:33:32,119 --> 00:33:35,039 the orbit to decay naturally than to push it out into space. 692 00:33:35,039 --> 00:33:37,359 But when they know they're going to do this to a spacecraft 693 00:33:37,359 --> 00:33:39,680 they have to see if there are any sailors in the area 694 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,920 and ring them or contact them by radio and make sure that they know. 695 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,119 And if you pass Point Nemo at the right time of day 696 00:33:46,119 --> 00:33:49,880 you'll be closer to the astronauts on the space station, 697 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:53,880 250 miles away, than to any other human being on Earth. 698 00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:56,039 Isn't that extraordinary? 699 00:33:56,039 --> 00:33:58,799 And now it's time for the most nonsensical bit of all, 700 00:33:58,799 --> 00:34:02,240 general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please. 701 00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:06,119 More than 1,000 stone examples of what are found on Easter Island? 702 00:34:06,119 --> 00:34:07,200 '..old cat.' 703 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,760 Giant heads. 704 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:11,400 KLAXON 705 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:15,800 APPLAUSE 706 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:17,639 There are giant heads, they're called Moai. 707 00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:18,960 There's 887 of them, 708 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,559 but it isn't the thing that there's more than 1,000 of. 709 00:34:21,559 --> 00:34:25,039 There are more than 1,000 - 1,233, in fact - 710 00:34:25,039 --> 00:34:27,079 chicken stone houses. 711 00:34:27,079 --> 00:34:29,639 There they are. And here's the extraordinary thing - 712 00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:31,679 there are no trees on Easter Island. 713 00:34:31,679 --> 00:34:34,760 I thought you were going to say there were no chickens! 714 00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:37,000 No chickens, they live in hope! 715 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:40,440 The chief came out and said, "We must build houses for the chickens. 716 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:42,079 "When the chickens come..." 717 00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:45,440 But the chickens, they never came. 718 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:47,400 "What shall we put in the chicken houses?" 719 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:49,480 "Wait for the chickens!" 720 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:51,519 "Make some heads. Make some heads!" 721 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:55,800 Just one empty Nando's on the outer island. 722 00:34:57,280 --> 00:34:59,679 No, there are chickens, it's their main source of food, 723 00:34:59,679 --> 00:35:02,119 but there are no trees at all on Easter Island. 724 00:35:02,119 --> 00:35:03,800 There used to be, thousands of them. 725 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:06,079 So, what are you going to do to protect your chickens? 726 00:35:06,079 --> 00:35:08,440 And what you did was, you built a house like this, 727 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:11,119 with a single, small entrance that you could close up 728 00:35:11,119 --> 00:35:13,039 with a suitable, flush-fitting stone, 729 00:35:13,039 --> 00:35:15,800 and your neighbour would be unable to find the entrance. 730 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:17,760 I think I've lived in London for too long, 731 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:21,320 because I'm looking at that, thinking, "Looks all right." 732 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,639 600 a month? Yes, please. 733 00:35:27,079 --> 00:35:30,599 Let's have a look at the heads. What's missing from this picture? 734 00:35:30,599 --> 00:35:32,079 Hair. 735 00:35:32,079 --> 00:35:34,519 Well, weirdly enough they used to have a sort of topknot, 736 00:35:34,519 --> 00:35:36,800 a red topknot. So huge kind of headpieces. 737 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,039 We don't know why or indeed how they got them up there, 738 00:35:39,039 --> 00:35:41,719 - but something else is missing. - The rest of his body is underground. 739 00:35:41,719 --> 00:35:44,039 The body. Absolutely right. People used to think that 740 00:35:44,039 --> 00:35:46,400 they were only heads but, in fact, they have bodies as well. 741 00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:48,880 And the other thing they used to have, they used to have eyes. 742 00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:50,639 Extraordinary eyes that were detachable. 743 00:35:50,639 --> 00:35:53,480 They were made of coral and they were inserted for special occasions. 744 00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:54,880 Like my nan. 745 00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:58,639 Stick her eye in for a special occasion? 746 00:35:58,639 --> 00:35:59,760 Christmas. 747 00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:02,480 "I'll pop me coral eyes in." 748 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:04,960 The volcano where the stones come from, Rano Raraku, 749 00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:06,639 which is where they were carved... 750 00:36:06,639 --> 00:36:09,719 The only volcano named by Scooby-Doo. 751 00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,159 - SHAGGY VOICE: - "What volcano are we going to, Scoob?" 752 00:36:12,159 --> 00:36:13,960 - SCOOBY VOICE: - "Rano Raraku!" 753 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,639 LAUGHTER 754 00:36:15,639 --> 00:36:17,159 APPLAUSE 755 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,519 We now think that it was a sacred site 756 00:36:22,519 --> 00:36:24,960 and all the statues fan out from the volcano, 757 00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,280 so it's not the workplace, it's the actual sacred site. 758 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:30,599 Lads, lads, lads, beautiful sunset. 759 00:36:30,599 --> 00:36:32,320 Lads! Behind you! 760 00:36:34,199 --> 00:36:38,960 It does look like an ancient stone carving of a stag do. 761 00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:43,559 And the one with the brick on his head, he was the stag. 762 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:49,760 Anyway, how many Rex Britanniae have been called Alan? 763 00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:51,679 One. 764 00:36:51,679 --> 00:36:54,119 One is the absolutely right answer. 765 00:36:54,119 --> 00:36:55,760 APPLAUSE 766 00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:57,400 - Kabaddi! - Kabaddi! 767 00:37:00,199 --> 00:37:02,599 Well done. It means "King of Brittany". 768 00:37:02,599 --> 00:37:04,840 And there's been one. He was called Alan the Great. 769 00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:06,599 The Great Alan, he was a lovely man. 770 00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,360 He was given the title by the Emperor Charles the Fat. 771 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:15,079 Yeah, he was around 876, until his death in 907. 772 00:37:15,079 --> 00:37:18,000 By the time he died, there was another Emperor, Charles the Simple. 773 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,119 When did they switch to the number system for naming the Charleses? 774 00:37:21,119 --> 00:37:24,519 When you had to have Hotmail addresses. 775 00:37:24,519 --> 00:37:26,440 Yeah, that's true. 776 00:37:27,519 --> 00:37:28,840 Alan's main adversary, 777 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,639 you have to say it very carefully, because it's called F-U-L-K. 778 00:37:31,639 --> 00:37:33,199 What do you think, Falk? Foolk? 779 00:37:33,199 --> 00:37:34,840 - Fulk of Angou? - Yeah. 780 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:36,159 I don't fulking know. 781 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:39,159 What's that's depicting? 782 00:37:39,159 --> 00:37:41,719 Well, after Alan died, Brittany was overrun by Vikings 783 00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:44,880 and they were in turn driven out by Alan's grandson who was Alan II, 784 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:47,039 but he wasn't a king so he doesn't count as a Rex. 785 00:37:47,039 --> 00:37:49,719 What you can see in this picture is Alan the Simple, 786 00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:51,800 who's trying to hit a fire alarm. 787 00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,199 - Just to the right, off shot. - Got his shoe off. 788 00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:58,039 Just a sandal. 789 00:37:58,039 --> 00:38:01,320 Brittany was the original Little Britain, as opposed to Great Britain. 790 00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:04,440 That's absolutely right and lots of the names that we have now 791 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,280 - come from there, cos of after the Normans' names. - Exactly. 792 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,719 David, Robert, Alan, all our names are French, 793 00:38:10,719 --> 00:38:12,679 we're just saying them wrong. 794 00:38:12,679 --> 00:38:14,760 - We just... Yeah. - Even Nish?! 795 00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:16,239 Not... But not Nish. 796 00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:19,679 I don't know if you came with the Normans, 797 00:38:19,679 --> 00:38:22,000 part of the Norman kabaddi team. 798 00:38:24,239 --> 00:38:25,719 Oh, wow! Imagine that! 799 00:38:25,719 --> 00:38:29,199 - FRENCH ACCENT: - "Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi! Huh?!" 800 00:38:29,199 --> 00:38:32,039 It's all on a tapestry, going on for... 801 00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:39,119 In days of yore, Alan the Great was a celebrated King of Brittany. 802 00:38:39,119 --> 00:38:42,559 Now, this spider is called the house spider, 803 00:38:42,559 --> 00:38:45,199 but what is its natural habitat? 804 00:38:45,199 --> 00:38:47,039 '..get fat' 805 00:38:47,039 --> 00:38:49,440 - Yes, Nish? - A house. 806 00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:51,639 You're absolutely right. 807 00:38:51,639 --> 00:38:53,199 APPLAUSE 808 00:38:57,239 --> 00:38:59,159 - Kabaddi! - Kabaddi! - Yeah! 809 00:38:59,159 --> 00:39:01,679 House spiders really do live in houses. 810 00:39:01,679 --> 00:39:05,280 Whenever I catch them, I put them outside, which must drive them mad. 811 00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:07,800 - No, it kills them. - It kills them? - It absolutely kills them. 812 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,199 They're one of a very small number of species 813 00:39:10,199 --> 00:39:12,480 specially adapted to living indoors. 814 00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:15,039 The same as if you take a garden spider and you invite it in 815 00:39:15,039 --> 00:39:18,159 from the cold and you think, it's a bit chilly out there, it will die. 816 00:39:18,159 --> 00:39:19,559 Who's doing that?! 817 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:25,880 What idiot is going out looking for feral spiders to bring indoors? 818 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,559 - So really you need a spider cupboard? - Yes. 819 00:39:28,559 --> 00:39:31,400 A special cupboard in your house, when you catch a spider, 820 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,480 you put it in the spider cupboard, they're all in there together. 821 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:38,239 - Yeah. - What kind of hellish arrangement is that? 822 00:39:38,239 --> 00:39:41,519 I just think it's probably a good thing that Peter Parker 823 00:39:41,519 --> 00:39:43,639 wasn't bitten by a radioactive house spider. 824 00:39:43,639 --> 00:39:46,480 Because it would have been a very short film 825 00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:49,079 of him just going, "I've got all this power." 826 00:39:49,079 --> 00:39:51,559 He walks out of the house - dead immediately. 827 00:39:51,559 --> 00:39:54,880 He has to stay indoors going, "There's a criminal!" 828 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,840 - He's able to phone the police! - "Chase him, chase him!" 829 00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:03,400 "Spider-Man, come out." "I can't come out. I can't come out. 830 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:05,440 "I'm a House Spider-Man." 831 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:10,039 Iron Man would go rusty, right? 832 00:40:10,039 --> 00:40:13,159 - Yeah, exactly. - That's another... "I can't come out, it's raining. 833 00:40:13,159 --> 00:40:17,000 - "I'll seize up." - And Batman just gets smacked by someone's shoe. 834 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:20,320 Certain people get really itchy eyes around Catwoman. 835 00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:24,719 Bruce Banner's in therapy, never gets annoyed. 836 00:40:26,159 --> 00:40:27,519 Anyway, moving on... 837 00:40:28,599 --> 00:40:32,440 What phrase do you use to end a radio conversation? 838 00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:34,840 - Come on, someone, don't make me do it. - Uh... - Go on, Holly. 839 00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:36,280 Do you go, "Over and out"? 840 00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:38,079 KLAXON 841 00:40:39,679 --> 00:40:43,599 I bought my kids walkie-talkies and they knew about over and out, 842 00:40:43,599 --> 00:40:45,920 but they didn't know how to say it, and they would say, 843 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:49,039 I could hear them in the house going, "Out and in, out and in." 844 00:40:49,039 --> 00:40:50,559 LAUGHTER 845 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:53,760 No. Over means, 846 00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:57,639 "This is the end of my transmission to you and a response is necessary. 847 00:40:57,639 --> 00:40:59,079 "Go ahead, transmit." 848 00:40:59,079 --> 00:41:01,960 Out means, "This is the end of my transmission to you 849 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,400 "and no answer is required and expected." 850 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:08,000 So over and out would technically mean, "You can talk now if you want, 851 00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:09,960 "but I'm not going to be listening." 852 00:41:12,159 --> 00:41:14,960 You know when you're on the phone to someone and they drop out 853 00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:18,880 of reception and it goes beep, beep, beep, and you know they've cut off. 854 00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:22,039 I'd love to be able to do that in normal conversation with someone. 855 00:41:22,039 --> 00:41:26,639 So if they just bore me, I just sit there and go, "Beep, beep, beep," 856 00:41:26,639 --> 00:41:30,400 - and they just know to give up. - The thing I do if I'm on a train 857 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:32,320 and my signal's gone 858 00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:35,000 but I've continued talking for at least another minute, 859 00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:38,719 then you have to save face by having a full hour-long conversation. 860 00:41:38,719 --> 00:41:41,880 You just go, "Yeah, no, it is, yeah, yeah, yeah. 861 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:44,239 "I am SO on the phone!" 862 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:50,199 - So, what about roger wilco? - Lovely fella. There he is. 863 00:41:50,199 --> 00:41:52,000 He was quite a looker, I reckon. 864 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:55,840 Quite a looker? I thought you said "licker". It was hard to say! 865 00:41:55,840 --> 00:42:00,000 Roger wilco, that's, "I understand, I will cooperate," isn't it? 866 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,039 So, roger is, "I have received your last transmission satisfactorily, 867 00:42:03,039 --> 00:42:04,719 "radio check is loud and clear," 868 00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:06,800 but wilco is, "I understand and will comply," 869 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:10,159 so the roger part is redundant, you would never use the two together. 870 00:42:10,159 --> 00:42:12,320 That's quite enough of this nonsense. 871 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:13,880 Let's have a look at the scores. 872 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:17,159 And I can tell you, oh, we have a tie for first place. 873 00:42:17,159 --> 00:42:19,519 - They both have... - Fight, fight, fight... 874 00:42:19,519 --> 00:42:22,920 Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi... 875 00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:26,079 They both have three points, it's Phill and Nish! 876 00:42:26,079 --> 00:42:27,519 APPLAUSE 877 00:42:32,599 --> 00:42:36,039 A very creditable third place, with -4, it's Alan. 878 00:42:36,039 --> 00:42:37,519 APPLAUSE 879 00:42:37,519 --> 00:42:38,840 Pleased with that. 880 00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:42,000 And in last place, and what an honourable place it is to be, 881 00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:43,559 with -6, it's Holly! 882 00:42:43,559 --> 00:42:44,960 APPLAUSE 883 00:42:51,079 --> 00:42:54,360 It only remains for me to thank Holly, Phill, Nish and Alan. 884 00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:56,840 And I leave you with this account of a bit of old nonsense 885 00:42:56,840 --> 00:42:58,880 from the London Evening Standard. 886 00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,719 "'Their behaviour was disgusting. 887 00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:03,920 "'She and her friends pulled their clothes up for pictures, 888 00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,800 "'lay about on the floor in compromising positions 889 00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:09,480 "'and pulled a man's trousers and pants down,' 890 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:11,440 "a club member told the tribunal. 891 00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:13,400 "'I was absolutely horrified. 892 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:16,239 "'You don't go for an evening out at a Conservative Club 893 00:43:16,239 --> 00:43:18,639 "'expecting to see behaviour like that. 894 00:43:18,639 --> 00:43:21,039 "'We stayed to see midnight in and then left.'" 895 00:43:21,039 --> 00:43:22,519 Goodnight. 896 00:43:22,519 --> 00:43:24,400 APPLAUSE