1 00:00:29,079 --> 00:00:30,760 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,840 Welcome to a show 3 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:38,520 where we will be noodling about with an enormous array of things 4 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,240 beginning with N. 5 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,200 Please welcome the netholiginous Jerry Springer. 6 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,359 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,600 The nonalturantist Matt Lucas. 8 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:56,200 Thank you. Thank you very much, I'm very happy to be here. 9 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,359 The noctivagant Cariad Lloyd. 10 00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:02,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:03,799 --> 00:01:06,040 And nicky, nacky, noo, 12 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,239 it's Alan Davies. 13 00:01:07,239 --> 00:01:09,079 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,239 Have you been described as netholiginous before, Jerry? 15 00:01:15,239 --> 00:01:16,400 Not recently. 16 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,760 It's a wonderful word, and it means producing clouds of smoke. 17 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:24,000 And, Cariad, noctivagant means night-wandering. 18 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:26,760 That is true, yeah. 19 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,439 So mind you don't do that when Jerry's producing clouds of smoke. 20 00:01:29,439 --> 00:01:30,760 Yeah. 21 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,799 - Sleep-walking, it's a sleep-walking thing. - Yeah, yeah. - Ah. 22 00:01:33,799 --> 00:01:35,000 Do you sleep-walk at all? 23 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,280 No, I don't sleep-walk. I'm a grown-up. 24 00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:41,680 Well, that's told the rest of us. Right... 25 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,719 And their buzzers have been lavishly personalised. 26 00:01:44,719 --> 00:01:46,079 Jerry goes... 27 00:01:46,079 --> 00:01:47,920 - CHANTS: - 'Jerry! Jerry! 28 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,000 'Jerry! Jerry! 29 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,840 'Jerry! Jerry! 30 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,680 'Jerry! Jerry! 31 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,400 'Jerry!' 32 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,159 Can you tell we're a bit excited that you're here, Jerry? 33 00:01:58,159 --> 00:01:59,560 Matt goes... 34 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:01,760 'Nope, but yet, but no, yeah, oh, my God, 35 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,040 'I so can't believe you just said that.' 36 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,519 APPLAUSE 37 00:02:06,519 --> 00:02:09,840 - Cariad goes... - I don't have a famous catchphrase, so... 38 00:02:13,159 --> 00:02:19,360 ♪ Always Cariad Always Cariad Lloyd... ♪ 39 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,159 'Oh, look, there's Cariad Lloyd!' 40 00:02:21,159 --> 00:02:23,120 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 41 00:02:27,719 --> 00:02:29,879 - You have a theme tune now. - I've got a theme tune. 42 00:02:29,879 --> 00:02:31,240 You've got walk-on music. 43 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,360 - Yeah! - And Alan goes... 44 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:37,000 'Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! 45 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,199 'Alan! Al! 46 00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,400 'Alan! Alan!' 47 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,920 SHOTGUN GOES OFF 48 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,599 Anyway, moving on. 49 00:02:44,599 --> 00:02:47,520 Now, I've got a list here 50 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:52,120 of the Christian names of the first 200 parachutists 51 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,079 to land in Normandy on D-Day. 52 00:02:55,079 --> 00:02:57,560 I'd like you to give me the name of any of them. 53 00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,400 - Their Christian names? - Any Christian name. 54 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,800 - Yeah. - Vladimir. - Vladimir, we're going to start with. 55 00:03:05,479 --> 00:03:06,879 Another first name? 56 00:03:06,879 --> 00:03:08,800 - Mordechai? - Mordechai? 57 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,039 Well... 58 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,240 You have over 200 choices in here. 59 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,520 John. Dave. William. 60 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:16,560 Enid. 61 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,800 LAUGHTER 62 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:25,039 'Alan! Alan! Al! Alan! Alan!' 63 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:27,680 Are you suggesting that it's Alan? SHOTGUN GOES OFF 64 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,680 They were dummy people. 65 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:34,479 They WERE dummy people. You are absolutely right. 66 00:03:34,479 --> 00:03:38,120 APPLAUSE 67 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:40,759 The very first Allied parachutists into Normandy 68 00:03:40,759 --> 00:03:42,879 consisted of 200 dummies, six men, 69 00:03:42,879 --> 00:03:44,800 some gramophones and a pigeon. 70 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,560 That's a good night! 71 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,159 It's a classic, yes! Absolute classic! 72 00:03:49,159 --> 00:03:52,680 The 200 dummies were a diversionary tactic, the six men were SAS troops. 73 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:56,039 I like this, they played battle noises on gramophones 74 00:03:56,039 --> 00:03:58,639 to divert the Germans from the real air drops, 75 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,360 which were going on elsewhere. 76 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,360 And the pigeon was a carrier 77 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,159 strapped to the very first man to land, 78 00:04:04,159 --> 00:04:06,639 so the first soldier to land was called Norman Poole. 79 00:04:06,639 --> 00:04:10,639 I think they thought, Normandy, Norman! Let's have Norman. 80 00:04:10,639 --> 00:04:13,080 But the very first ones, there were 200 dummies, 81 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,599 and they were all called Rupert. 82 00:04:15,599 --> 00:04:17,439 Because British soldiers often 83 00:04:17,439 --> 00:04:19,920 referred to their officers as Ruperts. 84 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,040 They were only two foot nine inches tall, 85 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,240 but from the ground, they would have looked full-size. 86 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,160 I've got helmets for you, if you wouldn't mind, 87 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,319 just stick those on there. 88 00:04:27,319 --> 00:04:28,600 Just following orders. 89 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:29,720 Yep. 90 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,839 Because we're going to show you, from the ground, 91 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,000 what the parachute drop would have looked like. 92 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,800 It would have looked like this. 93 00:04:41,159 --> 00:04:43,159 It's possible you didn't need the helmets, 94 00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:45,920 but, then, it is possible that you would need them. 95 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,120 - I needed it, yeah. - So those are replicas, obviously, of Rupert. 96 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:53,399 They contained firecrackers 97 00:04:53,399 --> 00:04:56,519 so that when they landed it sounded like they were firing. 98 00:04:56,519 --> 00:04:58,000 This one is anatomically correct. 99 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,199 They distracted nearly a full German division, and in 2013, 100 00:05:04,199 --> 00:05:06,600 a Rupert was discovered in a garden shed in the UK, 101 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,879 and nobody knows how he got back. 102 00:05:08,879 --> 00:05:12,399 We have a real one here which comes from the Museum of Army Flying 103 00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:14,879 in Middle Wallop. Don't you love this country? 104 00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:17,079 We have a place called Middle Wallop. 105 00:05:17,079 --> 00:05:20,120 It is accompanied by his curator, Susan Lindsay. 106 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,399 Thank you, Susan. 107 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:26,879 Do you not think that is the coolest thing? 108 00:05:26,879 --> 00:05:30,040 Because how Rupert survived and made it all the way back to the UK, 109 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,480 absolutely nobody knows. 110 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,399 It's cool, but it's not as cool as Kanye. 111 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,959 - It is cooler than Kanye. - Really? - Yeah. 112 00:05:36,959 --> 00:05:39,560 Kanye sounds like something you'd cure with yoghurt. 113 00:05:42,079 --> 00:05:43,360 You can take your helmets off. 114 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,399 Here's the thing, when they took the pigeons in, 115 00:05:45,399 --> 00:05:48,079 they either were strapped onto somebody or they had 116 00:05:48,079 --> 00:05:51,040 a little parachute, and they were dropped in a container. 117 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,399 In Monmouth in Wales, there was a factory 118 00:05:53,399 --> 00:05:55,439 that just made pigeon parachutes. 119 00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:58,879 And in the United States, the Maidenform bra company stopped 120 00:05:58,879 --> 00:06:02,199 manufacturing bras just to make pigeon vests and pigeon parachutes. 121 00:06:02,199 --> 00:06:05,319 And there was another extraordinary thing, and you can see a replica 122 00:06:05,319 --> 00:06:08,480 also at the Museum of Army Flying, of something called the Hamilcar. 123 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:09,600 Look at that. 124 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:13,600 It was a wooden glider large enough to take a seven-tonne tank. 125 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,600 - Do you not think that's incredible? - Yep. 126 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,600 - But would they just drop the tank? - No, no... - Oh. 127 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,959 - They would land. - I see. 128 00:06:19,959 --> 00:06:22,079 It wasn't the same as the pigeons and Rupert, 129 00:06:22,079 --> 00:06:24,800 they didn't just go, "Good luck, tank," and then just shove it off. 130 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,040 It's a new way of using a tank. 131 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,720 You just drop it on the enemy, you don't even bother with... 132 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,720 Lots of soldiers in Normandy were wearing what 133 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,199 underneath their uniforms? 134 00:06:33,199 --> 00:06:34,639 Oh, Kanye West t-shirts. 135 00:06:36,319 --> 00:06:38,759 - They wore pyjamas. - Did they? 136 00:06:38,759 --> 00:06:40,840 Did they have a swimming exam later? 137 00:06:42,079 --> 00:06:44,240 To get the...get the brick. 138 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,920 It was for comfort. 139 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:49,159 And JD Salinger was present, carrying in his backpack the very first 140 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:51,399 six chapters of The Catcher In The Rye. 141 00:06:51,399 --> 00:06:53,519 - Just an extraordinary thought, isn't it? - Wow! - Yeah. 142 00:06:53,519 --> 00:06:55,519 My favourite story from that time is Lord Lovat, 143 00:06:55,519 --> 00:06:57,720 he was the commander of the first commando brigade. 144 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,959 He took with him his personal bagpiper, 145 00:06:59,959 --> 00:07:01,639 this is very British, to do this. 146 00:07:01,639 --> 00:07:04,759 He took with him Bill Millin, who was his personal bagpiper. 147 00:07:04,759 --> 00:07:06,480 In the hope that he'd get shot? 148 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:12,000 The story is he walked slowly up and down Sword Beach in Highland dress 149 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,879 playing to encourage the Allied troops, 150 00:07:13,879 --> 00:07:15,600 and then he later piped the commandos 151 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,120 through the French countryside, 152 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,360 and the German snipers said, 153 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,079 "We didn't shoot him because we thought he'd gone mad." 154 00:07:21,079 --> 00:07:23,160 LAUGHTER 155 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,240 Jerry. Now, this time that we're talking about, 156 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,639 the battle of Normandy, 157 00:07:29,639 --> 00:07:31,720 you were in the UK? 158 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,360 Yes. I'd been born six months earlier, yes. 159 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:35,600 And where were you? 160 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,159 I was actually born in Highgate, in the tube station. 161 00:07:38,159 --> 00:07:41,159 - During an air raid? - Not during an air raid, but you didn't know... 162 00:07:41,159 --> 00:07:42,879 Your mother just missed her train and... 163 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:44,240 Yes. 164 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:49,079 Women in the ninth month would often spend nights in the subway 165 00:07:49,079 --> 00:07:50,759 because those were the bomb shelters. 166 00:07:50,759 --> 00:07:52,319 Have you been back to the station? 167 00:07:52,319 --> 00:07:54,720 Yeah, and there's not even a plaque there! 168 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,279 LAUGHTER 169 00:07:56,279 --> 00:07:57,639 You know. 170 00:07:57,639 --> 00:08:02,000 You'd need to have been conceived to have a plaque there, I think. 171 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,240 When you were Mayor of Cincinnati... 172 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,680 - Yes. - 1977, is that right? 173 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,279 1977, '78, yeah. 174 00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:09,959 Oh, my God! 175 00:08:09,959 --> 00:08:11,639 What are you doing in that picture? 176 00:08:11,639 --> 00:08:13,160 Well, you know, when you're mayor, 177 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,120 you also get a lot of ceremonial things to do, 178 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,680 so it probably was some... 179 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,160 Oh, I know. That's when I got circumcised. 180 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,240 LAUGHTER 181 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,800 That's when everybody got circumcised. 182 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,040 Is it true about Cincinnati, 183 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,360 that there is a full abandoned subway system that was never used, 184 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,159 that's underneath the city, is that true? 185 00:08:32,159 --> 00:08:33,919 Yeah, they ran out of money, actually. 186 00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:35,720 And so it was never completed. 187 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,960 - But, yeah. - So are there stations? 188 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,000 - Yeah. - So why did they not do it...? 189 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,480 It was before my time. 190 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,080 If I were mayor, we would have finished that subway! 191 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,759 Quite right. 192 00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:48,759 APPLAUSE 193 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,120 From Normandy to Newcastle now, 194 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:55,639 we know why you'd take a canary down a coal mine, 195 00:08:55,639 --> 00:08:57,879 but why would you take a dead fish? 196 00:08:57,879 --> 00:08:59,919 Is it one of those fish you put in your hand, you know, 197 00:08:59,919 --> 00:09:01,600 you used to get from the shop for a pound? 198 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,000 Oh, for fortune telling? 199 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,519 A fortune-telling fish. So you'd be like, "There is coal here," 200 00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:08,759 and it rolls over and goes, "No, the coal-mining industry has gone." 201 00:09:08,759 --> 00:09:11,320 Wow, that's like the saddest fortune fish of all time. 202 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,080 LAUGHTER 203 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,559 If you brought a live fish down, 204 00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:17,519 they would be dead by the time you got to the bottom of the mine, 205 00:09:17,519 --> 00:09:18,679 so this just saves time. 206 00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:20,080 That's true. 207 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:23,360 If you want to have a fish at all, just save time by killing it first. 208 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:27,799 - Right. - Maybe, because in some cultures people eat fish. 209 00:09:27,799 --> 00:09:31,200 So... Maybe the people in the mine are peckish. 210 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,799 OK. We're in Newcastle. 211 00:09:32,799 --> 00:09:34,440 Do they eat fish in Newcastle? 212 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,000 Oh, yes, they do. 213 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,159 They have a little fishy on a little dishy when the boat comes in. 214 00:09:39,159 --> 00:09:40,840 LAUGHTER 215 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,399 Dance for your daddy, my little laddie. 216 00:09:43,399 --> 00:09:46,200 Is it possible you spend too much time with your small children? 217 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:49,000 LAUGHTER 218 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,360 OK, so I'm going to give you a clue. 219 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,159 The fish in the picture is glowing. 220 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,320 It does something down there 221 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,279 that tells you that something's not right, 222 00:09:55,279 --> 00:09:57,919 and it's time to leave? Similar to the canary. 223 00:09:57,919 --> 00:10:01,000 Well, the canary was used, of course, to work out if there was... 224 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,480 Poisonous gases. 225 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,000 - ..if there was poisonous gases. - So the canary would die first. 226 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,080 Absolutely. But in the 18th century in the Newcastle coal mines, 227 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,919 they used dead fish as lights. 228 00:10:10,919 --> 00:10:14,720 So some dead fish, not all, glow faintly, 229 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,559 and they are safer than lamps in mines because of explosive gas. 230 00:10:18,559 --> 00:10:20,320 Unfortunately, the fish have two putrefy 231 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,480 in order to be able to glow, 232 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:25,519 so the smell must have been unbelievable. 233 00:10:25,519 --> 00:10:27,559 But it is called bioluminescence. 234 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:29,399 And they glow because of bacteria, 235 00:10:29,399 --> 00:10:31,639 and it's possible that the bacteria glow 236 00:10:31,639 --> 00:10:34,639 to attract living fish to eat the dead fish 237 00:10:34,639 --> 00:10:36,840 and that helps the bacteria to spread. 238 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,879 - That is incredible. - Yeah. Cunning bacteria. 239 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,399 And it's been known about for years. 240 00:10:41,399 --> 00:10:43,559 Aristotle spotted that damp wood glowed, 241 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:46,360 Pliny the Elder, he recommended using, I like this, 242 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:50,000 a walking stick dipped in a jellyfish's glowing slime 243 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,080 as a torch. 244 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,399 When Kanye West played Madison Square Gardens, 245 00:10:54,399 --> 00:10:57,799 - he lit the show just with fish. - Dead fish. 246 00:10:57,799 --> 00:11:01,600 That's the same as, you know toxoplasmosis, that bacteria, 247 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:02,759 and it lives in cats. 248 00:11:02,759 --> 00:11:04,000 It wants to be in cats. 249 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,159 But if it can't get in a cat, say it infects a rat or a mouse, 250 00:11:07,159 --> 00:11:10,039 it will make the mouse not scared of cats any more, 251 00:11:10,039 --> 00:11:13,200 so that it's more likely to be ate by a cat. 252 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,159 - Are you making this up? - No. 253 00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:18,159 They have found that human beings who have toxoplasmosis 254 00:11:18,159 --> 00:11:19,639 are more likely to have car crashes, 255 00:11:19,639 --> 00:11:22,519 so the bacteria is trying to kill you 256 00:11:22,519 --> 00:11:24,440 so that a cat will find you. 257 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,919 - LAUGHTER - It's true. 258 00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:30,159 Is this why we have these books, to write this down? 259 00:11:30,159 --> 00:11:34,000 It's also to write down what medication Cariad is on. 260 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,240 Toxoplasmosis, guys. 261 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,080 It is absolutely true what Cariad is saying. 262 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,960 Absolutely true. The world is so extraordinary, 263 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,159 there are lots of sea creatures that glow 264 00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:44,879 when they are disturbed by a boat's wake. 265 00:11:44,879 --> 00:11:46,879 So that glows. And this is a serious issue, 266 00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:50,480 so in World War I, there was a German submarine tracked and sunk 267 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:53,559 because it had disturbed enough bioluminescent organisms. 268 00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:55,080 We could see where it was? 269 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,919 Exactly. It glowed from the surface. 270 00:11:56,919 --> 00:11:59,919 And there is bacteria that's now been engineered to glow brighter in 271 00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:02,960 polluted water so you can tell if water has been polluted. 272 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,279 - Yeah, usually you can smell it. - Yeah, there is that! 273 00:12:06,279 --> 00:12:08,759 And they can also use it in various ways, for example, 274 00:12:08,759 --> 00:12:10,080 they can inject mice 275 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,799 with a genetically-modified glowing herpes virus. 276 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:16,000 And who hasn't wanted to have that at some point? 277 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,320 Scientists can examine how it moves through the body. 278 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,159 No, I don't know why it's glowing, honey. 279 00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:23,759 LAUGHTER 280 00:12:25,399 --> 00:12:27,480 Just one of those things. 281 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,120 You get up in the night, and you don't need to put the light on. 282 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:32,360 LAUGHTER 283 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,039 I can just find my way. 284 00:12:34,039 --> 00:12:35,559 LAUGHTER 285 00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:38,519 Jerry, did you know the phrase "carrying coals to Newcastle"? 286 00:12:38,519 --> 00:12:40,399 Is it a phrase with which you are familiar? 287 00:12:40,399 --> 00:12:42,360 No, we don't say that in the States. 288 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,320 So, anybody here know this phrase? 289 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,919 They've got coal, they know about coal, 290 00:12:45,919 --> 00:12:48,080 you're giving them something they've already got. 291 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:51,559 So the idea is that you take it to an area that there's already lots of. 292 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:53,399 Oh, it's like taking sand to the beach. 293 00:12:53,399 --> 00:12:55,240 - Yes, exactly, or cheese to Wisconsin. - Got it. 294 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,799 Here's the thing - since the coal industry's decline, 295 00:12:57,799 --> 00:12:59,960 the young seem unfamiliar with this phrase. 296 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,919 So we're just going to try a little experiment. 297 00:13:01,919 --> 00:13:04,200 I would like you, audience, to put your hands up if you were 298 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,240 familiar with the phrase carrying coals to Newcastle. 299 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:11,039 And now, can you put your hands down if you're aged over 30? 300 00:13:12,799 --> 00:13:14,759 Wow, it's hardly anybody. 301 00:13:14,759 --> 00:13:17,639 It's a commonplace idiom that seems to have died out pretty much 302 00:13:17,639 --> 00:13:19,240 - in one generation. - Wow. 303 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,759 The Danes say "give bagerborn brod", 304 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,960 which means "give the baker's children bread." 305 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:28,399 The Greeks has a wonderful one. It is "bringing owls to Athens". 306 00:13:28,399 --> 00:13:29,480 So, first of all, 307 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:32,120 the owl used to roost in the rafters in the Parthenon. 308 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,000 It was sacred, the owl, to the patron goddess Athena, 309 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,360 and it featured on the beautiful, beautiful silver coins. 310 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,600 So there was no point in bringing owls to Athens, 311 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,360 either the real birds or the coins, because that would be pointless. 312 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,879 They had plenty. We should think of some new ones, shouldn't we? 313 00:13:45,879 --> 00:13:48,360 If we can't have coals to Newcastle, what else could we have? 314 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,399 Fake tan to Essex. 315 00:13:50,399 --> 00:13:52,799 LAUGHTER 316 00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:57,720 What about bringing the footballer Andrew Cole to Newcastle? 317 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,679 Because he used to play for Newcastle. 318 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:02,799 Well, that's so clever I wish I'd thought of it. 319 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:07,080 Now for a question on non-employment. 320 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,039 What is the most painless way of sacking 24,000 people 321 00:14:10,039 --> 00:14:11,759 at the same time? 322 00:14:11,759 --> 00:14:13,960 - Don't tell them. - Don't tell them? 323 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,720 - Don't tell them. - Just don't mention it? 324 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,519 Are they dummies again? Are they fake employees that never existed? 325 00:14:18,519 --> 00:14:20,240 They are. And it did happen. 326 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,720 So, it was February, 2016. 327 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,960 Nigeria sacked 23,846 employees from the government payroll, 328 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,519 all for the same offence - they didn't exist. 329 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,039 And the move saved £8 million a month. 330 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,639 They were ghost workers. 331 00:14:35,639 --> 00:14:37,000 It's a common problem, 332 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,080 you get real workers collect fictional colleagues' payrolls. 333 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:43,080 In 2011, a newborn baby was added to the government payroll 334 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,840 and got £90 a month, and a diploma. 335 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,759 You can get high office as well. 336 00:14:48,759 --> 00:14:53,799 In 2007, Andre Kasongo Ilunga became the Minister of Foreign Trade 337 00:14:53,799 --> 00:14:56,159 in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, 338 00:14:56,159 --> 00:14:58,759 despite the fact that he was entirely fictional. 339 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,519 The Congolese law is that there has to be two candidates 340 00:15:02,519 --> 00:15:04,759 for any ministerial post. 341 00:15:04,759 --> 00:15:07,240 So there was a politician called Kasimba Ngoi, 342 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,240 and he really wanted the role. 343 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,600 So what he did was he invented a fake rival, this gentleman. 344 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,840 - And the fake guy won? - Well... 345 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,759 Kasimba assumed that the Prime Minister 346 00:15:18,759 --> 00:15:21,200 would choose the person he'd heard of. 347 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,600 But, unfortunately for Mr Ngoi, 348 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,799 the Prime Minister disliked him intensely 349 00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,279 and chose the fictional Mr Ilunga. 350 00:15:28,279 --> 00:15:31,399 Mr Ngoi later claimed that Ilunga had resigned. 351 00:15:31,399 --> 00:15:33,559 But the Prime Minister said he would only accept 352 00:15:33,559 --> 00:15:34,919 the resignation in person. 353 00:15:34,919 --> 00:15:36,799 LAUGHTER 354 00:15:38,039 --> 00:15:40,120 Eventually, Ilunga was sacked. 355 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,200 - Possibly for non-attendance. - For not turning up. 356 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,440 But there was a guy, 357 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,960 a Spanish water board employee called Joaquin Garcia, he bunked off work... 358 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,840 Well, we don't exactly know, but it certainly was over six years 359 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,399 that he bunked off and read the Dutch philosopher Spinoza. 360 00:15:54,399 --> 00:15:57,399 And the water board thought that the council was employing him 361 00:15:57,399 --> 00:16:00,679 and the city council thought that he was working for the water board, 362 00:16:00,679 --> 00:16:03,799 and it was only noticed that he hadn't turned up when 363 00:16:03,799 --> 00:16:07,799 he was awarded a special award for two decades of loyal service... 364 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,399 - ..and nobody could find him to give it to him. - Yeah. 365 00:16:12,399 --> 00:16:14,159 That happened in Bristol. 366 00:16:14,159 --> 00:16:17,480 By the zoo there's a car park and this guy, every day, 367 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:21,159 would collect, like, £3 to park your car, and then one day he wasn't 368 00:16:21,159 --> 00:16:24,720 there and some people were like, "Oh, where's Jeff at the car park?" 369 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,120 And they said to the zoo, "Where's your car park attendant?" 370 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,399 They were like, "We don't have a car park attendant." 371 00:16:29,399 --> 00:16:31,919 And he had been doing this for, like, 15 years, 372 00:16:31,919 --> 00:16:34,679 so he'd obviously just collected £3 in a really busy car park, 373 00:16:34,679 --> 00:16:37,399 - taken the money and done a runner. - Yeah, it's a great story. 374 00:16:37,399 --> 00:16:40,240 - It's unfortunately an urban myth. - Oh, no! - I know! 375 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,399 - JERRY: - Oh, it's not true? - Is it definitely not true? 376 00:16:42,399 --> 00:16:43,720 No, it is definitely not true. 377 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,720 I've had several people tell it to me, though. 378 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,919 - I hate when several people lie. - I know! 379 00:16:49,559 --> 00:16:52,480 People from Bristol who'd said they'd met him. Damn those liars! 380 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,240 I don't know, I think you're deflecting. 381 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,879 I now don't trust anything you say. 382 00:16:56,879 --> 00:17:00,000 - I'm actually Kanye. - Oh! 383 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,480 And you heard it here first. 384 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,480 LAUGHTER 385 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,160 Now, which is worse, death or Norfolk? 386 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,680 LAUGHTER 387 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,599 Well, you could leave Norfolk. 388 00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,759 Yes, that's a very good point. 389 00:17:13,759 --> 00:17:16,920 But it's not the English county of Norfolk that we are talking about. 390 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,759 Sometimes I think the questions on this show 391 00:17:19,759 --> 00:17:22,400 aren't quite what they seem. 392 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:26,359 Let me give you a clue, OK. So which newly-discovered continent, 393 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:28,640 beginning and ending in A, 394 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:32,799 were most British convicts transported to in the 18th century? 395 00:17:32,799 --> 00:17:34,400 Australia. 396 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,880 Or Australasia. 397 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:42,519 No, not Australasia. 398 00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:43,880 Antarctica. 399 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,400 - Not Antarctica. - America. 400 00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:52,200 You are absolutely right. So 1718 to 1775, 401 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,240 they were sent exclusively to America, 402 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,359 at least 52,000 of them. 403 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:57,519 It wasn't America yet. 404 00:17:57,519 --> 00:17:59,039 No, it wasn't even America yet. 405 00:17:59,039 --> 00:18:02,160 And some people estimate that as many as a tenth of the migrants 406 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,839 to America during that period were, in fact, British convicts. 407 00:18:04,839 --> 00:18:06,359 And Australia was only used after 408 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:08,240 the American War of Independence broke out 409 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:10,519 and everybody thought, "What a dangerous place. 410 00:18:10,519 --> 00:18:11,960 "Let's send them somewhere else." 411 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,920 Is that the best image we could find for 52,000 people going to America? 412 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:20,079 It looks like the Ark. It looks more like it ought to have animals on it. 413 00:18:20,079 --> 00:18:22,279 But the Norfolk we are talking about is in Australasia, 414 00:18:22,279 --> 00:18:23,720 which is what you mentioned. 415 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,599 It's a tiny little island called Norfolk Island. 416 00:18:26,599 --> 00:18:30,920 And in 1825, it was established as a penal colony for a penal colony. 417 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,480 So it was for people who had committed crimes 418 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,000 while already serving a sentence in Australia. 419 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,599 Oh, my God. 420 00:18:37,599 --> 00:18:39,079 Not a place that anybody wanted to go. 421 00:18:39,079 --> 00:18:41,440 In fact, people who were sentenced to death on the mainland 422 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,440 thanked God that they were not going to Norfolk Island. 423 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,079 Some people hated the island so much, 424 00:18:46,079 --> 00:18:48,279 they openly committed capital crimes. 425 00:18:48,279 --> 00:18:51,359 They openly would kill somebody just to be taken back to Sydney 426 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:54,720 to be tried and executed, because it was so horrendous. 427 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,720 - Have you been to English Norfolk, Jerry? - No, I haven't. - Never? 428 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,119 It's fantastic. It's really, really beautiful. 429 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:04,000 It has places called Misery Corner, Vinegar Middle, 430 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,319 and there's also a place called Tuzzy Muzzy. 431 00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:08,599 There used to be a place called Nowhere, 432 00:19:08,599 --> 00:19:10,839 in which 16 people lived in 1861. 433 00:19:10,839 --> 00:19:12,920 Sadly, now it's nowhere to be found. 434 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,000 It's the last place in Britain where people regularly ate swan. 435 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,920 So if you walk along the river - is it the Wensum? 436 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:23,519 - You can see the swan pits. Anybody tried swan? - No. - Eaten swan? 437 00:19:23,519 --> 00:19:24,759 Not allowed, are you? 438 00:19:24,759 --> 00:19:27,200 Well, you can if you are... 439 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,400 - Quick. - If you're quick. 440 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,000 If you're going to dinner at St John's College, Cambridge, 441 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,559 you can eat swan. But, no, you're not normally allowed to. 442 00:19:34,559 --> 00:19:37,440 But they have become a sort of wonderful symbol of love, 443 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:41,319 and in Boston Public Gardens there are two swans, Romeo and Juliet, 444 00:19:41,319 --> 00:19:43,079 who have been together over a decade, 445 00:19:43,079 --> 00:19:45,079 who represent love to the City of Boston. 446 00:19:45,079 --> 00:19:47,200 It was found out recently they should have been called 447 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,279 Juliet and Juliet, so... 448 00:19:48,279 --> 00:19:50,880 LAUGHTER 449 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,240 There we are, just one of those things. 450 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:56,640 In which country is the very highest peak of the Alps? 451 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,440 Isn't Mont Blanc the tallest? 452 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,039 - OK, so where is that? - Where is it, Matt? 453 00:20:02,039 --> 00:20:04,920 LAUGHTER 454 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,359 Italy, I think. 455 00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:09,680 - Yeah, it's on the border. - It is, exactly on the border. 456 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,599 The French-Italian border, in fact, 457 00:20:11,599 --> 00:20:13,480 passes directly over Mont Blanc's peak. 458 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,160 The very highest peak of the Alps is not there. 459 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,240 - Not Mont Blanc? - Neither in France, nor in Italy. 460 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,119 - Switzerland? - So we'll go for Switzerland. 461 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:24,039 I want you to think, unlikely, and I want you to think, you know... 462 00:20:24,039 --> 00:20:25,160 like a flat place. 463 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,920 Is it that the Alps go much further? 464 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,480 No, it's in the Netherlands. 465 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:33,599 - Really? - There was a Swiss geologist called Horace-Benedict de Saussure, 466 00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,400 born in 1740, 467 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,880 he led the very first expedition up Mont Blanc. 468 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,359 When he got to the top, he took the top as a souvenir. 469 00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:46,319 It is now in the Teylers Museum in Haarlem in the Netherlands. 470 00:20:46,319 --> 00:20:49,680 I'm going to guess it's not quite that big. 471 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,880 And it's not floating in a museum. 472 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,039 He was a fantastic polymath, de Saussure. 473 00:20:54,039 --> 00:20:56,680 He's really worth looking up. He did so much for women's education, 474 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:58,599 because he educated his daughter, Albertine. 475 00:20:58,599 --> 00:21:02,480 He's also described as the inventor of climbing, or alpinism. 476 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,200 On his expedition, he took two frock coats, several waistcoats, 477 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,000 his slippers, two cravats, a bed, a blanket, a mattress, 478 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,559 and 18 guides. 479 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,279 He was the one who got to the top. 480 00:21:13,279 --> 00:21:14,839 Did he invent climbing? 481 00:21:14,839 --> 00:21:18,000 - Well, he invented... - People were climbing in the Alps before, 482 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:22,000 and he came along and went, "I will call this climbing." 483 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,279 People must have been climbing before then, yeah. 484 00:21:24,279 --> 00:21:28,000 Probably the same guy who told you the story about the parking lot. 485 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,160 Yes. Boys making things up. It's not right, is it? 486 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,480 - Probably several people said it. - Several people! 487 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,319 You've never had that on your show, have you? 488 00:21:35,319 --> 00:21:37,480 - People making things up? - That would be so wrong. 489 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,119 That would be very wrong, Jerry. 490 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:40,960 It would be a good topic for the show, 491 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,240 "My friend claims he invented climbing." 492 00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:46,599 And the women who love him, yeah. 493 00:21:46,599 --> 00:21:48,759 LAUGHTER 494 00:21:48,759 --> 00:21:52,039 You can say any sentence in the world, and as long as you add 495 00:21:52,039 --> 00:21:54,839 - "and the women who love him"... - Yeah. - ..then you've got a show. 496 00:21:54,839 --> 00:21:56,519 LAUGHTER 497 00:21:56,519 --> 00:21:58,799 My Labrador, and the women who love him. 498 00:21:58,799 --> 00:22:00,240 There you go. 499 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,680 So, the highest point of the Alps may be in the Netherlands. 500 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,039 Where is the highest point of the Netherlands? 501 00:22:05,039 --> 00:22:07,880 Well, a lot of it's below sea level, isn't it? It's not high at all. 502 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:12,119 Yes, but it might not be necessarily in the low areas. Where might it be? 503 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,799 Have they got a colony of some kind? 504 00:22:14,799 --> 00:22:17,720 - They have a municipality. - In Africa. 505 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,920 - No, it's in the Caribbean. - Oh, nice! - Yeah. - Oh, the Caribbean, nice. 506 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,200 - There's an island called Saba... - Oh, lovely. 507 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,880 I say island, it's pretty much just a volcano. 508 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,519 It's 887m high - it is nearly three times higher 509 00:22:29,519 --> 00:22:31,759 than the tallest bit of the European Netherlands. 510 00:22:31,759 --> 00:22:34,160 The highest bit of the Netherlands is in the Caribbean. 511 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,880 There's a Dutch province called Drenthe and the highest point 512 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,319 in Drenthe is a 56m-high VAM-berg - 513 00:22:40,319 --> 00:22:43,039 so that is a landscaped former rubbish dump. 514 00:22:44,559 --> 00:22:46,480 This thing of taking the top off, 515 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,559 so there was an artist called Oscar Santillan in 2015, 516 00:22:49,559 --> 00:22:52,519 and he removed the topmost inch of Scafell Pike. 517 00:22:52,519 --> 00:22:54,480 Can't they just leave these tops there? 518 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,279 - Why are they taking them off? - I know. 519 00:22:56,279 --> 00:22:59,960 He made everybody very cross in Cumbria, the managing director, 520 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:03,200 Ian Stephens, of Cumbrian Tourism said, "This is taking the mickey. 521 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,039 "We want the top of our mountain back." 522 00:23:05,039 --> 00:23:07,240 Yeah, you'd get a mohel for that. 523 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,720 A mohel? That's a Jewish gentleman who does circumcision? 524 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:11,920 That's right, yeah. 525 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:12,960 Yeah, that's painful. 526 00:23:14,079 --> 00:23:16,480 It happens when you're eight days old, so in theory, 527 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:20,000 - you don't remember it. - But you two are both in pain still. 528 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,799 I'm still limping, yeah. 529 00:23:22,799 --> 00:23:26,039 I don't care if it was a subway station, I'll remember it. 530 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,880 Wow, I'll never see Highgate station the same way again. 531 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,440 LAUGHTER 532 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:35,000 So much for some big features in the nation of the Netherlands. 533 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:40,599 But what is Britain's biggest national secret? 534 00:23:40,599 --> 00:23:42,279 If we tell it, it won't be a secret any more. 535 00:23:42,279 --> 00:23:43,400 Ah, well, that is true, 536 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,079 and that was the thing that worried people for a long, long time. 537 00:23:46,079 --> 00:23:47,480 - So we're in London. - Right. 538 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,599 - So... - Was it the London Tower or something? 539 00:23:49,599 --> 00:23:51,640 It is a tower. Tower is right, Jerry. 540 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:54,200 Is this some enormous building that isn't supposed to...? 541 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,640 Yes, there is an enormous building 542 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,400 that was a secret for years and years. 543 00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,240 - The Gherkin. - The BT Tower. 544 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,000 The BT Tower is exactly right. 545 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,759 It was built in 1965, 546 00:24:03,759 --> 00:24:07,319 it was considered such an important part of the telecoms infrastructure 547 00:24:07,319 --> 00:24:09,839 that it was classified as an official secret. 548 00:24:09,839 --> 00:24:11,279 What?! 549 00:24:11,279 --> 00:24:12,759 Because no-one can see it! 550 00:24:12,759 --> 00:24:15,559 No, it was Britain's tallest building, 551 00:24:15,559 --> 00:24:18,839 it contained a public viewing gallery, and a revolving restaurant. 552 00:24:18,839 --> 00:24:20,440 Nevertheless... 553 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,319 I went to that place once for a charity event. 554 00:24:23,319 --> 00:24:25,079 And Rick Astley was singing. 555 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,640 It was wonderful. And I went to the loo, which is in the middle, 556 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,359 and when I came out of the loo it had revolved, 557 00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:34,519 and I came out right on stage next to him. 558 00:24:34,519 --> 00:24:36,039 LAUGHTER 559 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:41,200 He was going... # Never going to give you up... # 560 00:24:44,559 --> 00:24:47,039 It was technically illegal to take photographs of the tower 561 00:24:47,039 --> 00:24:48,839 under the Official Secrets Act. 562 00:24:48,839 --> 00:24:50,799 It wasn't included in any Ordnance Survey maps 563 00:24:50,799 --> 00:24:53,000 until the mid-1990s. 564 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:58,400 In a 1978 case a judge would only refer to it as location 23, 565 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,640 and in 1993 the MP Kate Hoey 566 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,519 spoke in parliament to state the location, she said, 567 00:25:03,519 --> 00:25:05,880 "I hope I that I am covered by Parliamentary privilege 568 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,599 "when I reveal that the British Telecom Tower does exist, 569 00:25:08,599 --> 00:25:12,039 "and that its address is 60 Cleveland St, London." 570 00:25:12,039 --> 00:25:14,519 But the restaurant was fantastic. 571 00:25:14,519 --> 00:25:17,000 Did you ever go to the revolving restaurant? 572 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,160 - No. - It was just glorious. 573 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,519 And in 2009, BT said they were going to reopen it, 574 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,480 and anybody who's ever had a promise from BT 575 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,839 will know that'll never happen. 576 00:25:23,839 --> 00:25:25,440 LAUGHTER 577 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,119 You get a lot of e-mails saying your order's on its way. 578 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:30,039 LAUGHTER 579 00:25:30,039 --> 00:25:32,960 But the location of the Post Office Tower not the worst-ever 580 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,359 breach of national security. 581 00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:36,759 So, the English historian Peter Hennessy, 582 00:25:36,759 --> 00:25:39,480 in 1963, the 25th June, he said 583 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:43,000 Britain was left entirely unguarded against nuclear attack because 584 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:47,279 every single screen of the Ballistic Missile Early Warning System 585 00:25:47,279 --> 00:25:48,839 was tuned to the cricket. 586 00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:51,119 LAUGHTER 587 00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:54,000 What's the best cure for nostalgia? 588 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,000 Is it actually living in the actual past? 589 00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:59,839 And staying there? 590 00:25:59,839 --> 00:26:03,119 And then you don't need nostalgia, cos you're still living in it. 591 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:05,680 But wouldn't you be nostalgic for the hundred years before that? 592 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,319 Would there not be a period...? There's always going to be a period. 593 00:26:08,319 --> 00:26:10,160 - Oh, yeah. - Like, even the Dark Ages. 594 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,119 Do you get nostalgic, Jerry? 595 00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:13,960 Yeah. Smell. 596 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,079 If you smell something, it brings back a memory. 597 00:26:17,079 --> 00:26:19,599 - Straight away, isn't it? - Cigarettes in pubs. 598 00:26:19,599 --> 00:26:21,720 Do you miss them? 599 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,160 - Oh, yeah. - Smell affects your memory part more than sight, or touch, 600 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,359 or anything. It instantly affects your memory. 601 00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:30,480 My wife, when she smells beer on me, she knows where I've been. 602 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,519 LAUGHTER 603 00:26:32,519 --> 00:26:34,680 Are there things you're nostalgic for, Alan? 604 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:37,160 I'm not a nostalgic person, no. 605 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:42,039 - That's probably good. - I think the future's going to be great. 606 00:26:42,039 --> 00:26:43,519 The past, whatever. 607 00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:47,680 I'm nostalgic for when Alan used to be nostalgic. 608 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:50,240 - That was a lovely time. - Those were the days. 609 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,400 Well, in the 18th and 19th century, it was seen as a deadly disease... 610 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,000 - Really? - ..to be nostalgic. 611 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,519 It was known as Schweizenkrankheit, or Swiss illness, 612 00:26:58,519 --> 00:27:02,640 because Swiss soldiers were apparently particularly prone to it. 613 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:06,119 And in the American Civil War, more than 5,000 men were diagnosed 614 00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:10,000 with nostalgia and 74 allegedly died from it. 615 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,240 In fact, the Unionist army was forbidden 616 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:15,920 from playing Home Sweet Home in case it brought on an attack. 617 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,400 No doubt the past makes you upset. 618 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,839 I found, when I wrote my book, this is not a plug, it's out of print. 619 00:27:21,839 --> 00:27:23,200 No-one bought it. 620 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,559 LAUGHTER 621 00:27:25,559 --> 00:27:26,920 It was part-memoir, 622 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,559 that meant a lot of going back through childhood memories. 623 00:27:29,559 --> 00:27:31,559 And it's not pleasant, it's not nice. 624 00:27:31,559 --> 00:27:34,039 It's much better to look forward - it hasn't happened yet, 625 00:27:34,039 --> 00:27:35,559 you can invent it. 626 00:27:35,559 --> 00:27:39,880 The only one thing I would like to have is my grandmother's trifle. 627 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:41,559 Oh, was it particularly good? 628 00:27:41,559 --> 00:27:45,400 It was so good. She died in 1974, and it went with her. 629 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,640 - No-one knew how to make it. - Have you tried to recreate it? 630 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,559 I don't even know how she did it. No-one knows. 631 00:27:49,559 --> 00:27:52,960 Grannies everywhere, write down all your recipes 632 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,480 so that we can continue to have them. 633 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,359 Funnily enough, I just bought a book for my kids 634 00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:58,880 for all the things that I've learnt from previous generations, 635 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,759 and I'm starting to write the recipes down. 636 00:28:00,759 --> 00:28:02,880 Yeah, I think that's a good idea. 637 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,440 So if you've just tuned in, 638 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,440 this evening's episode was a tribute to Cariad, 639 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,240 Jerry, Sandi and Alan, who all very sadly died of nostalgia. 640 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,279 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 641 00:28:20,279 --> 00:28:23,799 So they still haven't worked out what the best cure is. 642 00:28:23,799 --> 00:28:26,640 A Russian general came up with it in 1733. 643 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:27,920 Vodka. Did it involve vodka? 644 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:29,440 It didn't involve vodka. 645 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:31,200 What he did was, he warned the troops 646 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:32,759 that the very first man 647 00:28:32,759 --> 00:28:36,680 to come down with a case of nostalgia would be buried alive. 648 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:38,200 And cases plummeted. 649 00:28:39,559 --> 00:28:42,160 The suspected causes of nostalgia 650 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:45,640 were unfulfilled ambition, poor hygiene, 651 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,400 coming from farming stock, and masturbation. 652 00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:50,440 Those were the... 653 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:51,960 I've got two of those. 654 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,839 LAUGHTER 655 00:28:53,839 --> 00:28:57,200 Me too, and I've never been on a farm. 656 00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:59,759 It was declassified as a disease as late as 1899. 657 00:28:59,759 --> 00:29:01,079 What was? Oh... 658 00:29:01,079 --> 00:29:02,720 Nostalgia. Yeah. 659 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:04,640 They say that's still troublesome. 660 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:05,680 I miss it. 661 00:29:07,559 --> 00:29:10,400 Actually, it can be useful. It is thought to protect, slightly, 662 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:14,400 against cold. So people can stand the pain of icy water for longer 663 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:17,359 - if they focus on nostalgic memories. - Who writes this stuff down? 664 00:29:17,359 --> 00:29:20,559 So you mean if you're trapped in a freezer by a gangland criminal 665 00:29:20,559 --> 00:29:21,759 you just say to someone, 666 00:29:21,759 --> 00:29:24,720 "Do you remember when we weren't trapped in this freezer?" 667 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,240 You're going to make it. 668 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,599 I think you have to think about Grandma Davies's trifle. 669 00:29:28,599 --> 00:29:30,079 Oh, I see what you mean, yeah. 670 00:29:30,079 --> 00:29:32,680 The weird thing was, when we went round to her house there weren't 671 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:33,920 enough chairs round the table, 672 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:36,039 so she would produce this stool from... 673 00:29:36,039 --> 00:29:37,640 I was going to say stool! 674 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:39,200 LAUGHTER 675 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,640 I mean, some things probably keep to yourself. 676 00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:45,559 It was an actual stool! 677 00:29:45,559 --> 00:29:47,839 It was an actual stool, it wasn't a...you know. 678 00:29:49,319 --> 00:29:51,640 She was your grandma and you loved her! 679 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,960 - And that's all that matters today. - Here you are. 680 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:57,480 It's a stool. 681 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,680 And we all wanted to sit on the stool, 682 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:03,640 even though it was the wrong height for the table and was uncomfortable. 683 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:05,079 Why did you want to sit on it? 684 00:30:05,079 --> 00:30:07,799 I don't know, it was different from a normal chair. 685 00:30:07,799 --> 00:30:12,039 As soon as one kid wants the stool, everyone wants the stool. 686 00:30:12,039 --> 00:30:16,079 I'd like the stool and the trifle. Everything else can... I don't care. 687 00:30:17,799 --> 00:30:19,880 Now for something completely different. 688 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,359 Alan. Are you a narcissist? 689 00:30:22,359 --> 00:30:24,799 I know I don't like looking at myself. 690 00:30:24,799 --> 00:30:27,720 LAUGHTER 691 00:30:29,599 --> 00:30:32,400 I would take either of those two lives ahead of my own! 692 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,960 LAUGHTER 693 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:36,400 Yes or no, are you a narcissist? 694 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:37,480 No, I'm not. 695 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:38,599 That is correct. 696 00:30:38,599 --> 00:30:41,759 And this is a complete reversal of the usual format, 697 00:30:41,759 --> 00:30:44,799 because whether you said yes or no, we are going to give you two points. 698 00:30:44,799 --> 00:30:48,640 - Oh. - And that is because in the standard modern test for narcissism, 699 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:52,119 research shows that narcissists feel so good about themselves, 700 00:30:52,119 --> 00:30:54,440 they don't mind admitting it. 701 00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:57,680 So if you think you are a narcissist, then you are. 702 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,079 Would you say that you were a narcissist? 703 00:31:00,079 --> 00:31:01,119 Yes. 704 00:31:02,519 --> 00:31:04,000 Totally fine. What about you, Jerry? 705 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:05,480 Would you say you're a narcissist? 706 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,720 No, I've got a mirror, that depresses me. 707 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:13,759 I mean, you're asking the star of the Jerry Springer Show! 708 00:31:13,759 --> 00:31:15,039 - CHANT: - Jerry! 709 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,720 Me, a narcissist? 710 00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:20,880 What about yourself, Cariad? A narcissist? 711 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,680 I wasn't until I got my own theme tune, and now I might be. 712 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,119 So, the thing about narcissists, they rate themselves. 713 00:31:26,119 --> 00:31:28,240 They think that they are particularly intelligent, 714 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:29,880 attractive, likeable, funny. 715 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:33,000 They also think that they are unusually power-orientated, 716 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,839 impulsive, arrogant, prone to exaggeration, 717 00:31:34,839 --> 00:31:36,880 but they just don't care. 718 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:40,039 - Oh, now you've listed it, yeah, now I am one, yeah. - Yeah, one of those. 719 00:31:40,039 --> 00:31:42,240 Apparently we are in the midst of a narcissism epidemic. 720 00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:43,799 Oh, I think we are. Look at the selfie - 721 00:31:43,799 --> 00:31:45,079 I mean, that is the ultimate. 722 00:31:45,079 --> 00:31:47,119 We live in the most narcissistic time of all. 723 00:31:47,119 --> 00:31:48,640 The whole social media thing is... 724 00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:52,039 This is a very, very narcissistic time. 725 00:31:52,039 --> 00:31:54,759 It's definitely for us five to cast judgment, 726 00:31:54,759 --> 00:31:58,039 as we sit here talking, and those people just listen to us. 727 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:02,119 Let's do a quick test. Have a look at this pole, 728 00:32:02,119 --> 00:32:06,039 and I want you to tell me whether you are taller or shorter than it. 729 00:32:06,039 --> 00:32:07,480 So, let's start with you, Cariad. 730 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,839 I'm just assuming I'm shorter because I'm shorter 731 00:32:09,839 --> 00:32:11,400 - than most things. - Shorter. 732 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,480 Jerry, you think taller or shorter than that pole? 733 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:15,319 - I'm shorter. - Shorter. 734 00:32:15,319 --> 00:32:18,720 - Boys? Alan? - I'm exactly the same height as it. 735 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,079 Exactly the same height. 736 00:32:20,079 --> 00:32:22,200 I'm going to go with shorter. 737 00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:24,559 It is interesting, because none of you asked me 738 00:32:24,559 --> 00:32:27,519 how tall the pole is at all, and we have no clue how tall it is. 739 00:32:27,519 --> 00:32:30,720 But powerful people will tend to perceive themselves as taller. 740 00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:33,359 So Alan's the nearest to a narcissist that we've got. 741 00:32:33,359 --> 00:32:35,079 But maybe they're tall people. 742 00:32:35,079 --> 00:32:38,200 Maybe all the powerful people are tall and that's the problem. 743 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,000 You think there are no powerful small people in the world? 744 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:45,160 - No... - Well, I'll have you know you could lose with such a remark! 745 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,079 I went to university with a very beautiful girl. 746 00:32:47,079 --> 00:32:49,759 She just thought she looked normal, she didn't realise how the world 747 00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:52,559 perceived her, that everybody would literally see her and just smile. 748 00:32:52,559 --> 00:32:54,920 If she didn't have enough money at a cafe, they'd be like, 749 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:57,200 - "You're so beautiful, just don't worry about it." - Wow. 750 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:00,480 - Do you know what happened to her? - She's very happily married. 751 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,200 - Yeah. - I wanted it to have turned out shit, didn't you? 752 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:04,759 LAUGHTER 753 00:33:04,759 --> 00:33:06,440 APPLAUSE 754 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,759 In mythology, of course, we get narcissism from... 755 00:33:12,759 --> 00:33:15,640 Narcissus gazing in a pond. 756 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:19,160 That's a beautiful picture by John William Waterhouse. 757 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:22,480 He became so transfixed by his own reflection 758 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:25,160 that he was unable to drag himself away, and he stayed there, 759 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,079 and was eventually transformed into a flower. 760 00:33:27,079 --> 00:33:28,599 What flower was he transformed into? 761 00:33:28,599 --> 00:33:30,079 Oh, self-raising! 762 00:33:30,079 --> 00:33:33,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 763 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:38,680 - What did you say? - A narcissi? 764 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:40,960 No, it's one of those weird things, it's not connected. 765 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,880 So you'd think that the scientific name for the daffodil is connected, 766 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:47,039 but in fact, that's related to the narcotic quality of the bulb. 767 00:33:47,039 --> 00:33:48,279 Did he turn into a lily? 768 00:33:48,279 --> 00:33:50,039 We don't know. We've no idea. 769 00:33:50,039 --> 00:33:52,960 So why did you ask us, then? You don't even have the answer! 770 00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,279 Some things are unknown, Matt. That's OK. 771 00:33:56,480 --> 00:34:00,480 What's curious about him is that he seems to have bothered to wear a hat. 772 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:02,200 It's a big hat, below his elbow there. 773 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:05,279 - The painter's tribute to his mother, his grandmother. - Yeah. 774 00:34:05,279 --> 00:34:07,359 He could have put a stool there... 775 00:34:07,359 --> 00:34:09,840 LAUGHTER 776 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:11,599 Anyway, moving on, now... 777 00:34:11,599 --> 00:34:14,440 He has five faces and bigger sperm than you. 778 00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:15,599 CARIAD LAUGHS 779 00:34:15,599 --> 00:34:18,360 - Not really talking to you, Cariad, in this instance. - OK. 780 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:20,000 Five faces... 781 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,800 - Is it a type of fish? - It is a creature. 782 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:26,159 Oh, so it's not just some old actor with a lot of face-lifts. 783 00:34:27,199 --> 00:34:30,760 - Just one after the other like that. - Yeah. - Er, no. 784 00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:32,559 - A pyramid... - A pyramid? 785 00:34:32,559 --> 00:34:34,599 Well, the Egyptian pyramids. 786 00:34:34,599 --> 00:34:37,960 I mean, that has five sides. 787 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,519 Yeah. It's more of a creature than, erm... 788 00:34:40,519 --> 00:34:42,360 LAUGHTER 789 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:44,920 It is fair to say more of these, probably, 790 00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:47,480 than almost any other creature. 791 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:48,960 Is it a bacteria? 792 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:51,519 It is not a bacteria, no, but it can be very, very tiny. 793 00:34:51,519 --> 00:34:53,360 Is it a type of beetle or insect? 794 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:56,480 It's called a nematode and it is a kind of roundworm, 795 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:58,280 and they are extraordinary. 796 00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:01,519 So, there is one - there it is! Pristionchus borbonicus. 797 00:35:01,519 --> 00:35:05,000 It grows one of five different faces as it matures, 798 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:08,960 depending on whether it's going to eat microbes or other worms. 799 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:12,119 It's called polyphenism and it's when animals change their form, 800 00:35:12,119 --> 00:35:15,000 they change into different forms depending on the environment. 801 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:17,679 OK, here is the really extraordinary thing about the nematode - 802 00:35:17,679 --> 00:35:19,840 we know about more than 20,000 species, 803 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:22,119 so then compare that with 5,000 mammals. 804 00:35:22,119 --> 00:35:24,840 But some scientists believe that there are more than 805 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:29,039 a million undiscovered species, and they are everywhere. 806 00:35:29,039 --> 00:35:32,960 Some of them are so small that it would take 20-30 of them lying 807 00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:37,039 end to end to equal the thickness of a single average coin. 808 00:35:37,039 --> 00:35:40,119 There are some species that live exclusively in vinegar, 809 00:35:40,119 --> 00:35:41,519 in book-binding glue... 810 00:35:41,519 --> 00:35:44,760 There are some that use slugs as taxis. 811 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:47,719 They do, they use slugs as taxis to carry them to a new food source. 812 00:35:47,719 --> 00:35:50,599 They're cheaper than Uber, I guess, aren't they? 813 00:35:50,599 --> 00:35:52,800 And their sperm is bigger than human sperm. 814 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:56,639 - What, all nematodes? - Oh, yeah? - Not all of them. - I was going to say. 815 00:35:56,639 --> 00:35:59,159 - Fight, fight, fight! - Do they get one of their sperm 816 00:35:59,159 --> 00:36:00,400 and lob it at the female? 817 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:02,119 So, not the tiny, tiny little ones, 818 00:36:02,119 --> 00:36:05,280 but the very first one that I talked about. 819 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,480 LAUGHTER 820 00:36:08,559 --> 00:36:11,400 Why might bigger animals produce smaller sperm? 821 00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:14,719 I can't tell you how many times I've asked that question. 822 00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:16,480 LAUGHTER 823 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:18,480 Because the bigger animals have got less to prove. 824 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:19,639 No, the bigger you are, 825 00:36:19,639 --> 00:36:22,239 the more sperm you need to produce to increase the odds that you're 826 00:36:22,239 --> 00:36:24,599 going to make one, that is the thing, so you need lots of them. 827 00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:26,719 - Tiny animals can produce fewer sperm... - Oh, I see. 828 00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:28,239 ..so they can make them much bigger. 829 00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:30,199 But don't you love the idea they use a slug as a taxi 830 00:36:30,199 --> 00:36:31,559 to get them to a new food source? 831 00:36:31,559 --> 00:36:34,360 So, they get themselves eaten, they travel to a different bit of 832 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:37,159 the garden, they are then excreted and they have this... 833 00:36:37,159 --> 00:36:39,760 - How do they not get digested? - Because they have a cuticle, 834 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:43,239 a sort of thick skin that is totally resistant to both acids and alkalis. 835 00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:45,719 That's what you need when you get on the Tube. 836 00:36:45,719 --> 00:36:47,039 A big thick skin to protect you. 837 00:36:47,039 --> 00:36:48,519 - So they avoid being digested. - Wow. 838 00:36:48,519 --> 00:36:50,840 Anyway, now it's time for our weekly brush 839 00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:53,480 with general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please. 840 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:56,599 Which of these two men has stronger muscles? 841 00:36:56,599 --> 00:37:00,039 'I can't believe you've just said that!' 842 00:37:00,039 --> 00:37:02,920 Well, the one on the right certainly has bigger muscles, 843 00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:06,199 but maybe the muscles on the left are stronger 844 00:37:06,199 --> 00:37:08,239 because they're not as strong, 845 00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:10,199 and yet they're still working. 846 00:37:10,199 --> 00:37:12,280 Stop now! Stop now, you're doing so well. 847 00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,199 - Or is the answer, we just don't know? - No. 848 00:37:14,199 --> 00:37:17,199 Pound for pound, body-builders have weaker muscles than normal people. 849 00:37:17,199 --> 00:37:19,320 So one of the reasons body-builders are so strong 850 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,800 is that they have a large amount of muscle. 851 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,840 But the muscles they do have are, in fact, weaker. 852 00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:27,119 Here is the thing. If you don't have muscles, 853 00:37:27,119 --> 00:37:29,639 but you have a really good imagination, 854 00:37:29,639 --> 00:37:31,639 you can exercise your muscles. 855 00:37:31,639 --> 00:37:33,880 So say your hand is in a cast. 856 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,760 You can prevent yourself from losing muscle mass 857 00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:40,000 by simply imagining yourself using your hand muscles. 858 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:43,400 - Wow! - Well, I'm just imagining myself winning the show. 859 00:37:45,519 --> 00:37:47,559 I'm imagining myself using my hands. 860 00:37:47,559 --> 00:37:49,480 LAUGHTER 861 00:37:51,079 --> 00:37:53,480 - Moving along, erm... - With prosthetic limbs, 862 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,360 if you lose a limb, and you know you have phantom pains often? 863 00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:58,199 So if they've lost a hand they still feel it. 864 00:37:58,199 --> 00:38:01,480 They get a mirror and if they wiggle that hand but use the mirror 865 00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:04,159 to make it look like the other hand, their pain goes away. 866 00:38:04,159 --> 00:38:05,719 So again, you can trick your brain... 867 00:38:05,719 --> 00:38:08,079 But do you not think that is the most extraordinary thing, 868 00:38:08,079 --> 00:38:09,599 how the brain can be used in that way? 869 00:38:09,599 --> 00:38:10,960 Yeah, it's incredible. 870 00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,440 Yeah, I think it's extraordinary. 871 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:15,559 Now, which of Shakespeare's plays wasn't performed at first 872 00:38:15,559 --> 00:38:17,960 because it was believed to be cursed? 873 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:19,920 ♪ Cariad Lloyd... ♪ 874 00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:22,000 Is it Richard II 875 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,119 because the language was so provocative? 876 00:38:24,119 --> 00:38:26,320 It's a good choice, but it is not Richard II. 877 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,920 Is it Midsummer Night's Dream, in which I played Bottom, 878 00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,039 and got the best reviews of my career? 879 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:34,800 Er, no. 880 00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:38,360 Is it the one that was playing when the Globe was burnt down? 881 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:39,679 It is the one that was playing. 882 00:38:39,679 --> 00:38:41,480 Oh, No Sex, Please, We're British. 883 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:42,960 That's it! 884 00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:44,559 Run For Your Wife! 885 00:38:44,559 --> 00:38:46,719 1613, it was a production of Henry VIII. 886 00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:48,360 I was going to say Henry VIII! 887 00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:50,639 It was the very first recorded performance at the Globe, 888 00:38:50,639 --> 00:38:53,199 and they fired a cannon as one of the special effects, 889 00:38:53,199 --> 00:38:55,039 and it hit the straw of the thatched roof 890 00:38:55,039 --> 00:38:56,199 and the theatre burnt down. 891 00:38:56,199 --> 00:38:57,519 I have to say nobody was injured, 892 00:38:57,519 --> 00:39:00,400 the only risk to life was one man's britches caught fire 893 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:04,400 and his friend put him out with a bottle of beer. 894 00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:07,360 Theatres used to burn down all the time. 895 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:11,599 And one theatre was burnt down about four or five hundred years ago 896 00:39:11,599 --> 00:39:13,559 because one guy advertised 897 00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:17,719 that he could squeeze himself into a quart bottle on stage. 898 00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:21,400 And so thousands of people turned out to see him, and when it was... 899 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:22,840 Weirdly, he couldn't do it. 900 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:24,760 Weirdly, he couldn't do it, and there was a riot, 901 00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:26,679 and the theatre burnt down. 902 00:39:26,679 --> 00:39:29,559 - Why don't they do that on Britain's Got Talent? - Yeah. 903 00:39:29,559 --> 00:39:32,360 - Have you been to the Globe Theatre that was rebuilt? - No, I haven't. 904 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,920 Oh, it's absolutely fantastic, it's really wonderful. 905 00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:36,039 And what I loved about it, 906 00:39:36,039 --> 00:39:38,639 when they were excavating to build the present one, 907 00:39:38,639 --> 00:39:41,639 they discovered a layer of hazelnut shells and it allowed 908 00:39:41,639 --> 00:39:43,119 the rainwater to filter through. 909 00:39:43,119 --> 00:39:44,480 So when they rebuilt it, 910 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:48,119 the theatre sourced 7.5 tonnes of hazelnut shells from Turkey 911 00:39:48,119 --> 00:39:50,519 and they were flown over on a military transport plane 912 00:39:50,519 --> 00:39:52,440 and used in exactly the same way. 913 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:55,599 But what is the play that actors have often treated as being cursed? 914 00:39:55,599 --> 00:40:01,239 Well, I don't want to say it because it's cursed to say it, but Macbeth. 915 00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:04,559 And the reason you're not supposed to say Macbeth 916 00:40:04,559 --> 00:40:06,440 is because, traditionally, 917 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:12,199 when repertory companies were doing a play and no-one was coming, 918 00:40:12,199 --> 00:40:15,400 what they would do is quickly put on Macbeth, 919 00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:17,039 which was in their repertoire, 920 00:40:17,039 --> 00:40:18,880 because people always came to see Macbeth. 921 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:20,639 So if you were putting on Macbeth, 922 00:40:20,639 --> 00:40:23,280 it was that the thing you really wanted to do was a disaster. 923 00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:25,280 But, I mean, there have been some examples. 924 00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,480 So, 1947, there was a guy called Harold Norman. 925 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:30,159 He was an actor who pooh-poohed the superstition 926 00:40:30,159 --> 00:40:32,360 and he was playing the lead in the Scottish play. 927 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,719 And he died at Oldham Coliseum in 1947 playing Macbeth 928 00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:39,079 when he was accidentally stabbed with a real sword. 929 00:40:39,079 --> 00:40:42,719 1849, there was a British actor called William Charles Macready 930 00:40:42,719 --> 00:40:45,599 and an American called Edwin Forrest that were both playing Macbeth 931 00:40:45,599 --> 00:40:47,000 at different theatres in New York. 932 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,639 And their fans rioted as to who was the most successful, 933 00:40:50,639 --> 00:40:53,920 and more than 20 people died and more than 100 were injured. 934 00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:55,440 - My God! - Wow! 935 00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:57,119 But nobody was superstitious 936 00:40:57,119 --> 00:40:59,679 about the Scottish play in Shakespeare's lifetime. 937 00:40:59,679 --> 00:41:01,480 Name America's biggest fault. 938 00:41:03,519 --> 00:41:04,800 Donald Trump. 939 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,679 APPLAUSE 940 00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:19,719 Now, it's not, is it NOT going to be the San Andreas fault? 941 00:41:19,719 --> 00:41:22,760 - It is NOT the San Andreas, you're absolutely right. - Yes! 942 00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:26,360 It is not even the most dangerous fault line in California. 943 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,760 So here's the thing, California sits across two continental plates, 944 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:31,639 the Pacific and the North American. 945 00:41:31,639 --> 00:41:33,760 There's dozens of fault lines between them. 946 00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:36,039 And the maximum size of earthquake 947 00:41:36,039 --> 00:41:38,000 that the San Andreas fault could cause is 948 00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:39,880 8.2 on the moment magnitude scale. 949 00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:44,679 The nearby Cascadia Subduction Zone, just off the coast, 950 00:41:44,679 --> 00:41:47,159 is far more dangerous. 951 00:41:47,159 --> 00:41:49,519 A huge rupture along it could release an earthquake 952 00:41:49,519 --> 00:41:51,800 30 times stronger than the San Andreas. 953 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,440 I mean, that is half as large again as the quake 954 00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:58,400 that caused the Indian Ocean tsunami on Boxing Day in 2004, 955 00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,360 so it is a huge thing. 956 00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:03,639 They estimate a big earthquake would cause a tsunami up to 100 feet high. 957 00:42:03,639 --> 00:42:04,880 Yikes! 958 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:09,280 Yeah, yikes indeed. And that brings me to the matter of the scores. 959 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:10,800 Well, my goodness, 960 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:14,320 in first place with a magnificent seven points, it's Cariad. 961 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,119 APPLAUSE 962 00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:23,280 In second place with minus 26, it's Jerry. 963 00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:25,280 APPLAUSE 964 00:42:27,679 --> 00:42:30,719 In third place with minus 36, Matt. 965 00:42:32,679 --> 00:42:36,000 I'm very proud, thank you. 966 00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,760 And Alan, with a breathtaking minus 56, 967 00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:41,840 fourth place. 968 00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:44,280 APPLAUSE 969 00:42:49,519 --> 00:42:52,119 Our thanks to Jerry, Cariad, Matt and Alan. 970 00:42:52,119 --> 00:42:55,360 Tonight, I'm going to leave the last word to Jerry. 971 00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:58,599 Watch this show, or I'll kill my dog. 972 00:42:58,599 --> 00:43:01,000 LAUGHTER 973 00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,920 Just kidding. Just kidding. 974 00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:07,679 - Take care of yourselves, and each other. - Goodnight! 975 00:43:07,679 --> 00:43:09,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE