1 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:29,485 _ 2 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,440 Hello, and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,600 where tonight, I am pleased to say, 4 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:39,040 we will be enjoying multiple organisms. 5 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,240 Let's meet our life forms. 6 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,560 The wise Nish Kumar. 7 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:50,200 The noble Cariad Lloyd. 8 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,360 The amusing Holly Walsh. 9 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,600 And the single-celled Alan Davies! 10 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,680 Right, let's hear your multiple organisms. 11 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,040 Cariad goes... 12 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,400 Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh! 13 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,320 That's me, that's me. 14 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:17,840 Holly goes... 15 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,760 Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! 16 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,240 Nish goes... 17 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,880 It's a really disturbing programme! 18 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,800 And Alan goes... 19 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,640 I do, actually! 20 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:45,800 What animal gets the lion's share of online viewing? 21 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,840 I don't know, but that horse looks like Donald Trump. 22 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,400 We had a cat that used to watch the telly. 23 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,920 He watched a documentary about urban foxes, 24 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,560 and he watched the whole programme with his paws up on the back of 25 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,640 the chair, looking at it like this. 26 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:08,600 And about six months later they repeated it, and he watched it all again. 27 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:13,760 And any time a fox went out of the side, he went like that. 28 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:18,440 Probably birds as well, birds probably watch a lot of TV, because they're in the room, aren't they? 29 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:23,040 - What about people who hang their budgie by the window, so it can see the other birds outside? - Yeah! 30 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,920 Is that not the definition of evil? 31 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,280 Anyway, none of this is what I wanted to talk about! 32 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:31,720 Is it lions? 33 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:32,760 Yes. 34 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:33,800 No! 35 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,320 It's surprising. 36 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,520 Blue whale. 37 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:50,240 No. Surprisingly, there are more dog videos on YouTube 38 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,400 than there are cat videos. People always talk about cat videos. 39 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,520 65.9 million dog videos, 40 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,080 versus 65.3 million cats. 41 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,720 The dogs just got the edge there. 42 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,280 - Why do we think that might be? - Dogs are better than cats. Ooh! 43 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,960 Oh, that's the most controversial thing ever said in this studio! 44 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,040 Wow! Yeah. I'm with you, Cariad. 45 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,240 Thank you. 46 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:12,840 That's the Brexit of the pet world. 47 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:16,680 - Yeah. - In England, people would care more about that than they did about Brexit, 48 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,720 if you start slagging off dogs or cats. 49 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,080 Let's try it. People who like cats, say "cats". 50 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,480 Cats! 51 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,000 - People who like dogs, say "dogs". - Dogs! 52 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,600 People who like Brexit, say "Brexit"! 53 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,360 People who like people, say "people"! 54 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,680 Nothing. 55 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,440 I have to say that Google tells a different story than YouTube. 56 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,760 There are 2.2 billion pages about cats, 57 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:42,040 compared to 1.8 billion about dogs. 58 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,920 Yeah, people going, "Why are cats shit?" 59 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,920 "Why did I get a cat?" "I can't get rid of this cat." 60 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,280 Did a cat slap you when you were a baby?! 61 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,080 No, do you know what, 62 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,320 the reason I don't like cats is I am allergic to them, 63 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,760 and I want to stroke them and I can't, 64 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,560 so what I've done is develop a hatred. 65 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,160 - Right, right. - It worked the same way for men when I was younger. 66 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,760 This is how Brexit... 67 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,560 So why animal videos, why do we watch a lot of animal videos, 68 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,280 what's the reason for it? 69 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,080 Is it because we're, like, 70 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,560 programmed as people to love looking at animals? 71 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,520 Well, no, the concept is that we just watch something that's a bit of fun, 72 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,320 and it makes you feel fewer negative emotions. Anxiety, you know, guilt, that kind of thing. 73 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:19,800 I was working with an editor once, 74 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,400 and he was telling me that they did this experiment where, like, 75 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,920 they wanted to see where people's eyes went on, say, movies. 76 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,960 You know, like, so what people are looking at. 77 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,760 And they had, like, a shot with a topless woman, and obviously, like, 78 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,040 most people watched the topless woman, 79 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,120 and then the only thing that distracted them was when a dog walked in, 80 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,600 and then they all just looked at the dog! 81 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:42,520 In the, like, Top Trumps of distraction, it goes tits, dog. 82 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,200 And a topless dog is, like... 83 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,320 It's my dream, a topless dog! 84 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,720 Yeah. That's my website. 85 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,600 That's what I'm after. 86 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,120 Well, there are more dog videos online than cat videos, 87 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,320 and even fewer otter videos. 88 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,120 So who wants to see a juggling otter? 89 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,960 - Yes, yes! - Yes! 90 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,160 - Let's have a look. - Oh, my God! 91 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:11,080 - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - I know! 92 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,760 That definitely trumps tits and dog. 93 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,320 There we go, back with that one. 94 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,240 Ah! 95 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,360 Totally nailing all the moves there. 96 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,400 Has anyone checked he's not trapped under there? 97 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:29,400 He's like help! Let me out! 98 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,480 Do something! 99 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,960 Stop it, you're messing my mascara! 100 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,040 That's a juggling otter. 101 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,520 But not everybody loves otters, all right, like we do. 102 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:50,240 So tell me, what do otter hounds hunt? 103 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,960 Yes, Nish. 104 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,880 I mean, I know what's about to happen. 105 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:54,920 Yes. 106 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,400 Otters? 107 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,720 OK, it is illegal to hunt otters, so when otter hunting was banned, 108 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,400 they retrained them to hunt mink, 109 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,200 so what do otter hounds hunt? 110 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:15,800 Small boys in caps? 111 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,480 Mink. 112 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:20,680 Mink! 113 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,840 It's illegal to hunt Mink. It's illegal to hunt mink. 114 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,160 But do they hunt mink? 115 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:28,880 Do they, you know, hunt mink? 116 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,400 - Is that, like, a euphemism? - Yeah, that's like... 117 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,520 That's a backhander, guys. 118 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,240 Is it? Oh, backhander. 119 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,520 Oh, it's a backhander? I thought it was a back entrance. 120 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,400 I thought that was, like... a backhander was, like, 121 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,480 "I'll take some money if you don't mention it." 122 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:49,720 - Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, "I'll get the mink for you." - Oh, I thought it was "I've just farted"! 123 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,240 I thought it was, like, a lesbian euphemism. 124 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:59,320 My whole life in a club, I've never gone... 125 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,480 All right, we've got a backhander in tonight! 126 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:06,120 Anybody up for some mink hunting?! 127 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:11,640 Otter hunting was a very, very popular blood sport throughout the Middle Ages and so on... 128 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,520 - That's horrible! - There was a. 129 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:18,560 King's Otterer. He had an estate called Otterer's Fee in Aylesbury. 130 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,720 And then it largely died out, because the otter was largely dying out, 131 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:25,360 and so there was a little bit of a revival in the 20th century until 1978, 132 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,600 and then the otter became a protected species, and then they tried mink, 133 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,400 and now it's rats. In fact, 134 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:33,720 only rats and rabbits are exempt from the ban on hunting mammals 135 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,720 - with dogs. - What about squirrels? 136 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,040 It's rats and rabbits, that's your limit. 137 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,120 Yeah, but could you squeeze in a squirrel? 138 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,160 When you use the expression "squeeze in a squirrel", what do you mean? 139 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:48,320 - It's another lesbian euphemism, in the clubs. - One of the most prized 140 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,000 things for hunters was the otter's baculum. 141 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,800 - Anybody know what the otter's baculum is? - Something nasty? 142 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:54,960 Oh, is it the penis bone? 143 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,160 - It is the penis bone, yes. - See, something nasty. 144 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,440 Absolutely right. There is one right there... 145 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,280 It's the length of the otter?! 146 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,080 Oh, my God, I'm going to get an erection! 147 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,480 Ooh! 148 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,240 Get it off me! 149 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,400 The rest of that video is the otter struggling under the rocks, 150 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,240 and he goes, "Hold on a second..." Phodum!! 151 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:28,440 Just throwing up a pebble, and then whacking it with its cock! 152 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,080 If you've just tuned in, 153 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,520 that's Alan Davies pretending to be an otter with a troublesome erection. 154 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:38,320 So... Otter's baculum was much prized. 155 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,360 - You've got one?! - Well, what I've got, these are earrings, 156 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,560 and this is actually made from a mink's... 157 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,880 Obviously two, there's not one, he doesn't have two. 158 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,520 They're made from mink baculum. 159 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,320 There's some mink out in the world going, 160 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,000 "I hope you're enjoying that earring!" 161 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,680 "I hope it's made you happy, that earring." 162 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,280 I don't understand how this works. 163 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,240 So they constantly have a hard-on? 164 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,040 Well, no, what it is... Humans don't have a baculum, I'm told. 165 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,960 Yes, I'd like to beg to differ there. 166 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,120 Do you know why humans don't have it? 167 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,160 - What's the reason given? - Underpants. 168 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,320 Do you want to see them? Thank you. 169 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,840 Not compatible with underpants. 170 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:20,560 So the mythological reason is that Eve was taken, not from a rib of Adam, but from his baculum. 171 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,240 But the real reason is that the baculum is needed for what's... 172 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,640 How can I put this politely? Prolonged intromission, 173 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,040 - is what you need it for. - So do you think Sting's got a baculum? 174 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,080 This thing's the exact same shape as my nose! 175 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:44,200 There's a good idea for a show - Nish Kumar: Mink Pleasurer. 176 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,240 I'll watch it. 177 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,880 Nish And The Mink. 178 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,040 Eee! Eee! 179 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:54,800 Next. Otter hounds are now employed as rat catchers. 180 00:09:54,800 --> 00:10:00,160 But speaking of occupations, what's the best job for a beetle? 181 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,480 Drummer, because you'll still be alive. 182 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,560 That's very good. 183 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,000 I am going to give you an extra point. 184 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,440 - Thanks. - Even though it's horribly wrong. 185 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,960 So, beetles are employed, where might they be employed? 186 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,360 Dung moving. It must be dung moving. 187 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,000 It isn't, it is a form of job that only a beetle can do. 188 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,000 They can get under things, they can go through little holes. 189 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,840 Eating, scavengers. 190 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,040 Oh, is it anything to do with nuclear power stations? 191 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,720 No, not at all! 192 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:38,040 They work in museums. So, skeletons contain a lot of delicate structures, 193 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:45,360 and the best way to prep them for a museum display without damaging them is the dermestid beetle. 194 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,000 - Oh, God! - And it lives by stripping the flesh off rotten corpses. 195 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,880 It's used by museums all over the world for that purpose. 196 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:56,680 The good news about this horrible job is that they only work on six-month contracts, so... 197 00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:59,720 Which is the life expectancy of a dermestid beetle. 198 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,400 - Right, they die on the job. - They die on the job. 199 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,960 But speaking of skeletons, 200 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:08,320 it's time for a round of that evergreen parlour game favourite. 201 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,880 OK, let's have a look at our skeletons, 202 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:19,000 and who's going to start with number one? 203 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,760 And be specific, please. 204 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,600 Its teeth haven't come through. 205 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,720 You're absolutely right, it's a child, 206 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,480 because you can actually see the adult teeth waiting to... 207 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,320 Oh, no, it's not that kid, is it?! 208 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,560 - No, it's not. - It's not that child, is it? - It's not that child, OK?! 209 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:36,160 It's another child that we don't care about! 210 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:41,760 That poor kid is a model, and then his parents might be just flicking through 211 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,000 the TV, and they're like, argh!! 212 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,240 This looks like you've spun the world's worst fruit machine! 213 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,480 Yeah, you can see the teeth waiting to come through there, 214 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,680 so the process of the old teeth being pushed out is called exfoliation. 215 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,240 We moved house recently, 216 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:06,920 and behind the U-bend under the sink we found this tobacco tin full of 217 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,520 - children's teeth. - Oh, my God! 218 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,320 - Yeah, yeah. - Is that where the tooth fairy puts them? 219 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,640 And I didn't know what we should do with them, 220 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:17,400 and I felt really bad because they were obviously the people who lived in the house before us, 221 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:21,520 and it's like a family heirloom, so I asked our neighbour if they had a forwarding address 222 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,840 for them, and they were like, "yeah, sure". And I... 223 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,120 I sent it to them, and I felt really good about myself, 224 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,040 and then I was talking to my other neighbour, and she said, 225 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:34,120 "That's so weird because they didn't have children." 226 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,160 Oh, my God! 227 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:43,280 So I just sent a complete stranger a tin of children's teeth! 228 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,840 Right, moving on. 229 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,440 Let's go back to our QI ossuary. 230 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,080 Number two, anybody? 231 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,600 - Is it a vulture? - No, it's not. 232 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,760 - It is a bird. - Is it an ostrich? 233 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,280 You'd think that because of the long neck. Yes. This one is extraordinary, 234 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,840 because it doesn't look as though it has a long neck. 235 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,440 But it has 14 vertebrae, so twice as many as a giraffe, and it is...? 236 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,520 - A chicken. - Turkey. - It's an owl. 237 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,720 So we never think that, because the owl has got so many feathers, 238 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:13,480 but it is how they're able to rotate their heads through nearly 360 degrees. 239 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,600 - That's amazing! - So they only appear short-necked because of the feathers. 240 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,600 Let's have a look at number three. 241 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,120 - Is that a bat? - It is a bat. 242 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,280 Here's something I did not know before, 243 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:25,200 is that bats' knees face backwards. 244 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,880 - Oh, yeah. - But despite this, some of them are still very good walkers. 245 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,440 They recently discovered that vampire bats can chase their prey on foot, 246 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,960 and we've got some video of a bat walking, 247 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,240 which is not something that you see very often. 248 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,120 - Oh, my God. - Whoa. Yeah, really whoa. 249 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:45,040 It's just like terrifying that not only can they fly at you in pitch-black, they can also run! 250 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,080 It's like the worst nightmare. 251 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,080 - Yeah. - Most nocturnal animals are ugly, 252 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,840 and that's why they come out at night. 253 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,000 That's a really offensive thing to say. 254 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,840 - OK. - Careful, Alan, you're going to get some children's teeth in the post! 255 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,320 Number four, let's have a quick look. 256 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,760 The horns are the giveaway. 257 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,200 - Is it a goat? - Goat. 258 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,880 No, smaller. Smaller than a goat. 259 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,640 Reindeer. 260 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,920 Yes, those famous small reindeer! 261 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,440 - Muntjac. - No, it's called a dik-dik. 262 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,480 Oh, yeah. A "dick pic"? 263 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:20,680 A dik-dik. 264 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,080 No, not a dick pic! 265 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,320 I'd rather get one of those than a dick pic, to be honest. 266 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,560 Do you know why they're called dik-dik? 267 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,040 Cos they've got two dicks. 268 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,760 So good they named it twice. 269 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,720 Because they've got two what, darling? 270 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,200 Oh... 271 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,400 No, it's just I thought... 272 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,960 Sorry, the rest of the class want to hear it now. 273 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,280 I was just saying... 274 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:47,160 It seemed very important that you wanted to interrupt Sandi. 275 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:51,920 I was just... I was just saying that maybe they have two dicks. 276 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,480 Yeah, no. 277 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,080 It's the sound they make. It's a sort of warning cry. 278 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,400 Dick! Dick! Yeah. 279 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,920 Dick! Dick! 280 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:11,120 The thing I like about them, they are incredibly efficient with water. 281 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:16,360 They have the driest poo and the most concentrated urine of any ungulate. 282 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:20,560 All right. Well, clearly you've never spent a night in Wetherspoon's. 283 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:25,160 And an extra point for that, because that's true, too. 284 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,320 Let's look at the next one. 285 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,760 Number five. 286 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,600 Is it a gorilla? 287 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,000 It's really surprising. 288 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,480 It is not a gorilla. 289 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,320 What's the thing that always gets you, the klaxon, darling? 290 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,720 A blue whale. 291 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,160 It is a whale's fin. 292 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,520 No way! 293 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,480 - What?! - It looks remarkably like the human hand. 294 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,880 That is amazing. It even has thumb bones, and it's because, of course, 295 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,760 it's a mammal, and all mammals evolved from an animal with the basic skeletal structure 296 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,000 that includes five protrusions on each hand. 297 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,560 So it's basically got mittens on. 298 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,720 - Yeah. - It's just a dolphin with oven gloves. 299 00:15:58,720 --> 00:15:59,760 Yes. 300 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:06,120 Looking for an oven. Let's have a look at the final one. 301 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,440 Is that a camel? 302 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,840 It is a camel. 303 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,080 It has a straight spine, because the hump is, of course, all fat. 304 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:13,560 How can you tell it wasn't a horse? 305 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,960 - It didn't look like a horse, so... - There's no saddle on it. 306 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,240 - A camel's got no hoof. - Camel toe. 307 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:35,880 You can use it for anything, anything. Anything that's slightly... Ooh! I'll sort you out. 308 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,520 As the old saying goes, 309 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:41,440 you can't always tell an organism from its osseous tissue. 310 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,200 How is that an old saying?! 311 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:50,320 Which ferocious beast is the world's most successful hunter? 312 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,040 Right, hold on. What is happening? 313 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,920 Is that Philip Green? 314 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:03,360 It looks like you've gone to a fancy dress party dressed as Captain Mainwaring! 315 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,320 It's terrifying. So, most ferocious... 316 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,520 - It starts with an O. What ferocious species is the world's most successful hunter? - Hunter... 317 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,200 Because hippos are really dangerous, aren't they? 318 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,840 It starts with an H. 319 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,520 - Oh, yeah. - Orangutans. 320 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,440 Otters. 321 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,320 - Er... - Ostrich. - No, it's... 322 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,160 The audience have offered up octopus. 323 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,560 Octopus is not it, either. 324 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,480 Not as easy as it looks, is it?! 325 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,000 It is the creature that belongs to the order Odonata, 326 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,600 so it is dragonflies. 327 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,720 - Dragonflies are... - What, they're killer? 328 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,320 ..the most successful hunters. 329 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:57,280 They are thought to have the highest hunting success rate of any hunting 330 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:01,880 creature on Earth, it's between 90 and 95% success rate. 331 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:06,800 And here is the unbelievable thing, they don't track their prey, they intercept it. 332 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:11,240 They calculate where the prey is going to be in the future. 333 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,240 So instead of chasing it, like a lion might, 334 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,040 they fly to where it's going to be and catch it there. 335 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,200 So let's have a quick look. So there it is, 336 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,920 it just seems to be minding its own business, 337 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,560 and off it goes to catch its prey. 338 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,400 Now, let's have another look, 339 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,880 because let's be really clear about where the prey was coming from. 340 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,320 So have a look up in the red box, 341 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,920 and you see the prey is coming in, and he's not flying towards it, 342 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,480 he's flying away from it and over to the right, and catches it. 343 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,600 And it's the same thing that humans use to predict the future when they're catching a ball, 344 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,880 but we don't really know how they're able to do it. 345 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,080 There is a downside to being a dragonfly, I think, 346 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:48,840 because the mating is very, very odd. 347 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,760 So the male is a dik-dik. Oh. What does that mean, the male is a dik-dik? 348 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,360 - Double dick. - It's got two dicks! - Yes! - Two dicks! 349 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:03,200 Well done, Nish. So the male has got two sets of sexual organs, 350 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,000 so before inseminating the female, 351 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,280 he sort of has to inseminate himself. 352 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:11,120 - He transfers sperm... - Yeah, yeah... I did that as well. 353 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,600 Transfers sperm from his testes to his sperm pouch, and then to his penis, 354 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,400 and he's still not ready to inseminate, because he then... 355 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,720 He's got a, sort of, shovel-shaped penis, 356 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:25,360 and he uses it to scrape out any sperm from other males, before he then... 357 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,640 - Yes. - Who is clapping that?! 358 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,280 What the...? 359 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:33,720 - "What a bloke!" - There's a theory that that is why the male penis is 360 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,960 shaped that way, to remove any sperm, 361 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,800 - because they are assuming that woman probably has had sex with someone else. - So it's a scraper? 362 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,080 - Yeah, it's a scraper. - Very useful in the winter, 363 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,720 if your car's frosted over! 364 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,560 That as well! 365 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,240 I could do a wing mirror! 366 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,320 Right, moving on. 367 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:07,080 What is a zookeeper's worst nightmare? 368 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,280 - Yes? - Planet Of The Apes. 369 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,400 I'm going to give you a point for that, very good. 370 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,000 - Yes! - Is it an out of the blue redundancy? 371 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,440 No. You've mentioned it already. 372 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:22,760 Orangutan? 373 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,720 Orangutans is the absolute answer. 374 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:28,040 Why? Are they always filing, sort of, sexual harassment cases? 375 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,160 They are so adept at escape. 376 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,720 - Oh, really? - They work cooperatively, they learn very easily, 377 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:37,200 - they're very patient, they're very determined. - They work out your routines. 378 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,160 They do. They absolutely do. 379 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,520 "It takes him 32 minutes to go and feed the zebras." 380 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,560 "That is our window, my friend." 381 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:50,040 You're right, Alan. 382 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,960 They check out the zookeeper's routine, and see if there's a flaw. 383 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,400 And then when he goes, they all put their caps on. 384 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,800 Put the shirt, 385 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:01,200 three of them stand on top of each other as they're walking out. 386 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:06,160 There was a wonderful orangutan called Ken Allen, and in the... 387 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,840 in the 1980s, he was in San Diego Zoo, 388 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:13,040 he was known as the Hairy Houdini, and he used to get out all the time, 389 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,720 and then he'd stroll around having a look at the other animals. 390 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,200 And he had a fan club called the Orang Gang, 391 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,040 and they had T-shirts and bumper stickers... 392 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,480 He printed them all. 393 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:26,280 He'd just nip out and get good deals on bumper stickers then come back. 394 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,360 They couldn't work out how he was getting out, 395 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,760 so they started to send in plainclothes zookeepers, 396 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,040 sort of wearing touristy gear and sunglasses and trying to look casual, 397 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,160 but Ken always spotted them. 398 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:42,680 There were nine major break-outs by Ken and his fellow prisoners, 399 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:44,680 and according to one local paper, 400 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:48,280 "crowds cheering the apes on as keepers ran after them". 401 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,080 Right, moving on. 402 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,080 Where's this guy going with that ox, 403 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:58,320 and what's he going to do when he gets there? 404 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,160 Is it like an early boom box? 405 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,320 I can tell you, as you can see because he's able to lift it, 406 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,800 that the cow has been hollowed out, and why might...? 407 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,360 Is it before the invention of birthday cakes, 408 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:14,160 people used to get strippers to jump out of cows? 409 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,000 Yes, it's that. 410 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,680 Not at a Hindu wedding! 411 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,800 I hate to say this, but if someone's inviting a stripper to a wedding, 412 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,520 that wouldn't... 413 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:29,440 Is it to scare off another animal? 414 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:30,880 It's quite the reverse. It's to... 415 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,560 - To encourage? - It's to be able to hide. 416 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,840 This is Richard Kearton, he's one of the world's first wildlife photographers. 417 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,480 So before the telephoto lens, 418 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,200 in order to get a close-up you literally had to get close up. 419 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,360 So if you wanted to take, for example, 420 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:44,800 a photograph of a birds' nest with eggs in it, 421 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,080 this is Richard and his brother Cherry Kearton. 422 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,560 - Cherry? - Cherry, I know. 423 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,280 They went, "Richard, let's have something different, Cherry". 424 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,600 Richard and Cherry, pioneers of wildlife photography, 425 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,400 they bought an ox from a butcher. 426 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,560 They got a taxidermist to hollow it out, 427 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:02,640 and they hid themselves in the ox with a lens sticking through a hole. 428 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:08,960 One day, apparently, Richard fainted inside the ox, and it fell over, and his brother... 429 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,880 That's brilliant! 430 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,400 So good! 431 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:20,280 Cherry turned up an hour later and took the photo before he got his brother out! 432 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:25,360 They more or less invented professional nature photography. 433 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:29,440 Their subjects ranged from anything from flowers in the Yorkshire Dales to lion hunts in Africa. 434 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:30,960 And before them, 435 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,960 most nature photographs were stuffed animals placed in natural 436 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,840 surroundings. But you can see, they abseiled down cliffs, 437 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:40,360 they had those astonishing fragile box cameras slung to their backs. 438 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,720 He's hot. 439 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:45,640 - Do you think? - Yeah. - Cherry Kearton became the Attenborough of his age, 440 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,680 he moved into wildlife documentaries. 441 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,160 Here from inside the ox. Yes. 442 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:55,360 Now, what use is an ostrich in a car factory? 443 00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:57,160 Are they indestructible? 444 00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:58,240 So... 445 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,440 You can use them as, like, a crash test dummy. 446 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:05,960 No. No, it's not that. So I'm going to give these out. 447 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:09,560 - Oh, dusters. - There you go, these are ostrich feathers, 448 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,680 so what might you use them for? 449 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,160 Get yourself one of them, love. 450 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:18,680 What might you use it for in a car factory? 451 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,760 Are the BBC just trying to cut back on cleaning, 452 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,920 and just having us just dust down the set? 453 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,480 Well, cleaning is the thing, Nish. 454 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:28,040 It is in those hi-tech, very robotic factories where they make cars, 455 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,640 ostrich feathers are still the best thing to dust the cars. 456 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,880 The softest I've ever... Yes, well, there's the point. 457 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,280 So they have these sort of giant rollers, a bit like a car wash, 458 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,520 made of ostrich feathers. 459 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,640 Female feathers apparently worked best. 460 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,360 - Of course. - Cleaning, innit. Bound to be a woman. 461 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,400 I knew you were going to say that! 462 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,960 This from the man who said he could scrape the ice off a wing mirror with his cock! 463 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,880 - We're doing that experiment in the next series. - I offered to try! 464 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,400 So female feathers are the best. 465 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,880 There are lots of grades, whose names are fantastic. 466 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,120 Whites are the best. 467 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:05,760 Come on, Sandi, I'm sat right here! 468 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,040 Jesus! 469 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,400 Just nick that out and make that a ring tone. 470 00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,680 "Whites are the best." 471 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:18,200 There's whites, feminas, spads, blues, blacks, drabs and floss. 472 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,160 They're all wonderful names, aren't they? 473 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,960 You can't beat a good old ostrich feather duster, if you want a nice clean car. 474 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,240 Now, my little organisms, fingers on buzzers, please, 475 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,520 as we enter the phylum of General Ignorance. 476 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,560 How did all that oestrogen get into our water? 477 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:35,680 Yes, darling? 478 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,520 Um... 479 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:42,960 What happened was, I put my hand down on the table, 480 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,000 but I forgot that it was on the buzzer. 481 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,680 - Yeah. - So I pressed the buzzer. 482 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:52,280 So, I guess what I'm saying is they have two dicks. 483 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,200 Is it cos loads of women take the pill, and then they piss it out, 484 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,800 and it goes back in? 485 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,360 You did two in one go there, you did pill and urine. 486 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,240 No is the answer. 487 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,480 Is that not true? Because a lot of people claim that. 488 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:19,040 People do think that. The pill is responsible for about 1% only of the 489 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,960 oestrogen found in the water supply, according to an American study. 490 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:27,840 90% of the oestrogen entering into the water is the run-off from livestock manure. 491 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,360 Now, why do cows lie down? 492 00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:33,840 Is it cos they're tired? 493 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,880 Yes, because they can't be arsed to stand any longer. 494 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,200 It's their break. 495 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,960 So, some people think that they lie down because it's going to rain. 496 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:44,920 The fact is, cows get up and down 14 or so times a day, 497 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:48,000 and at some point it may rain, because... 498 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,440 They're a herd animal, so one of them will lie down, 499 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,400 the others will think, "That is a marvellous idea." 500 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,480 "Totally going to do that." 501 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,720 Sometimes they do it cos they're cold, and it keeps their stomachs warm. 502 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,880 They don't want a dry patch, then? 503 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:04,440 - No. - I thought that's why they do it. 504 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:08,200 - I don't think they're that forward-thinking. - Like dogs know it's going to rain, don't they? 505 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,440 - Yeah. - They can feel something in the air that we can't, 506 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,440 and then they'll start going under the bed. 507 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:16,360 "The dog's gone under the bed, go and get the washing in." 508 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:19,440 I don't think they're that forward-thinking, if I'm honest with you. 509 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:22,120 No? I think you're under-estimating the cow. 510 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:25,480 I think what we're saying is no cow is a reliable weather forecaster. 511 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:29,480 If you see cows lying down, it means one thing. 512 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,040 Cows enjoy lying down. 513 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:33,720 And so the scores. 514 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:37,680 At the bottom of the taxonomic table tonight with a fabulous -35, 515 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,920 it's Alan! 516 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:47,680 Just emerging from the primordial soup with -22, it's Holly! 517 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:56,880 Slowly developing the ability to walk on land with -6, Nish! 518 00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:00,200 Two dicks, two dicks! 519 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:04,040 And swinging through the trees like a good'un, it's our winner with -5, 520 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,600 Cariad! 521 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:21,200 And tonight's Objectionable Object prize is this lovely pair of mink penis bone earrings! 522 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,280 There we are, congratulations! 523 00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,120 Thank you so much. 524 00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:34,360 - Anyone? - Thank you to Holly, Nish, Cariad and Alan. 525 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:37,680 And we leave you with the words of the epigramist Logan Pearsall Smith, 526 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,240 who wrote in one of his books, 527 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:42,640 "These pieces of moral prose have been written, dear reader," 528 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:44,920 "by a large carnivorous mammal," 529 00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:49,600 "belonging to that sub-order of the animal kingdom which includes also the orangutan," 530 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:53,240 "the tuft gorilla, the baboon with his bright blue and scarlet bottom," 531 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,200 "and the gentle chimpanzee." 532 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:58,560 From all the animals at QI, scarlet-bottomed and otherwise, 533 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,560 until next time, goodbye.